#634 - Fiona Cauley

29:24That's very funny. Dogs can absolutely show same-sex sexual and bonding behaviors, but scientists are cautious about calling that being gay in the human identity scene. I think that makes sense. Some dogs will mildly hump another dog, but it's almost just like two guys at the gym that keep high-fiving because they don't know how to express themselves verbally. Yeah. That's kind of how I look at that. Yeah. I thought it was just a dominance thing. The sex part? The humping. I could see that. Because I guess it's dominant between male and female. It's like a man will, like at one point. Men hate when you hump them.

30:02Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell you what.

30:08What, oh, you can have Celsius? Oh, hell yeah. But does that make, like, have you ever had so much you're just like, I'm out of here. I like Kool-Aid man myself too

30:28Sorry She said I like Kool-Aid man myself Out of the room They're great or whatever Why did all those cartoons Just break down walls and furniture That was fucking crazy I don't know Fucking handyman watching that Like not again The guys had one cup of Kool-Aid and he just ruined mom's kitchen. What is in this? Oh, man. What were some of the first times whenever like your, whenever Friedrich's attacks came along, what were some of the early signs? And did you misplace it for something else? Oh, this is good. So when I was 15, I started walking weird. I was a volleyball player and I couldn't do like the practices.

31:21We would do suicides. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I would start like falling a little bit, just getting clumsy. My coach was like, you're, you know, not taking this seriously. I thought I was high. Did they bench you? Yeah. And so I. Which is where you were going to end up anyway, which is insane. They were just getting me prepared for my future. They were like, sit down, you should be real good at this

31:53Oh man, that's so good And did your parents pick up on it pretty quick? I mean, how did that kind of go? This can make you so mad It is? Yeah, maybe Why, were your parents drinking and stuff? Were they having a tough time? Oh, well, yeah

32:12But no, so 15 I was like something's wrong. My principal was like smelling my breath because she thought I was drunk. Because I would spill everything, drop everything, or talk. I get it. And the red hair too probably. Yeah, yeah. That's like number one indicator. Yeah. You're St. Patrick's daughter in here. Something was wrong. Yeah. And then I went to my mom and I was like I think I need to go to the doctor. I don't know what but something. and my older sister had health issues that weren't this but like different stuff and so my mom was like like acne or whatever? well yeah but like scoliosis oh god I'm sorry wow I'm just kidding and that's so sorry dude and I'm very sorry god and that shows what like that shows what like somebody who doesn't have to deal with a common ailment thinks of as like issues Yeah, that's actually so real.

33:16No, I love it. But she was like, you're copying your sister. Because my sister walked over, but we blamed it on other stuff, and I had nothing wrong with me. And then I kind of got in trouble for faking it by my family a lot, and yada, yada. Then once I turned 18 It was my senior year of high school So you had to go that long dealing with it? And would it always be there? Or is it just kind of every now and then? It was getting worse Yeah, it was always all the time I didn't know why Like I used to get in trouble There was like an elevator in the school For like people that broke their legs Or whatever And I would use it And I got detention all the time because I would fall down the stairs all the time and I didn't know why.

34:13Sorry. I'm not laughing. There's something wrong with my face and voice box.

34:20Oh, that's insane. And was part of you still unsure too? Because I'm sure if a lot of your surroundings are like, no, you're just not figuring this out correctly. Was part of you still kind of unsure too? Well, I was gaslit like crazy. I fully thought I had a mental issue. And I was making this all up. Like, I really, I just wanted an answer. I fully believed it was something I could get fixed before I went to college. Like, I did not think it would be this serious. Yeah. So at 18, I went, I took myself to a neurologist. I eventually ended up being a neurologist, but I had to involve my mom in that.

35:03and she was like fine but like this has to be the end of the road for that like they were so sick of me being like something's wrong you know and then I was right and then they were like oh my god what's wrong with your sister and they got her tested same shit and my little brother a year and a half ago got tested and he has it too but he can still walk so so you cracked the code really yeah i ruined our family yeah it's another way of saying that yeah if you never figure it out you're just a bunch of people who like just a bunch of weevil wobble you're just a bunch of people who just break out into the electric slide every now and then

35:49you're just doing the cupid shuffle your mom's like stop cupid shuffling Wow And so was that like Was that almost Was that like a real breakthrough moment for your family Like oh my god this is what's been going on And for your sisters as well Yeah My mom felt so bad Like cried And you know because she had been telling me I was wrong And I was just excited To be right So I didn't even like hear I was 18 I didn't get the seriousness of it. And I was like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. You know, like I'm celebrating that she was wrong and I was right. Oh, yeah. You're just like, get fucked, I'm a vape.

36:35Yeah, yeah. I'm a vape. Yeah, dude. Did they think, was that ever part of it? Like, oh, you're just vaping too much or whatever? Yeah, I smoked a lot of weed in high school, too. What? I partied a lot. And then I got diagnosed and I part even more So I was like what's the point of all this Oh wait did you go through a point Where you were like depressed about life and stuff Oh for six seven years No way It was hard to like find a reason I was like Why am I in college now Like I don't have a future Right like I'm not gonna be a farmer Like a Pharmacist But I guess you could still I mean, do you think looking back on that, that there was different ways you could have gone with that thought process or just kind of that's just where you were?

37:26Because it's tough for somebody to just imagine what they would be like in that scenario. I think. I'm sorry to go through that. That's hectic. Hey, it builds character if you make it out, you know. And I'm grateful for that. I wouldn't be who I am today. I have more perspective now than I think most 29-year-olds do, probably. I don't know. I think it's important when you're given something that's serious and kind of life-altering to, like, allow yourself to mourn. Because I'm mourning what I thought I had, right? And I'm trying to, like, get accustomed to what I know I'm going to have or not have in the future, you know?

38:12And humans, we adapt. I'm fine. people feel bad for me and I'm like you brought tickets to my show I'm I'm doing all right you know yeah yeah I'm happy yeah I've never felt bad for you I mean I I guess yeah I guess some people probably could get in a space where they feel bad I feel bad that you felt that way I feel bad that's such a that's heart that's heart-wrenching for somebody to I think have something that occurs in their life and then feel like maybe when you look back on that feeling are you able to think Did you feel like you didn't have a lot of hope or did you feel like, was it like, woe is me?

38:49And all those things are normal. I could imagine it would be very normal to feel. Yeah. I think hope. Because before that, I was pretty religious for a while. I believed in God. Not religious, but I was like spiritual. I believed in a higher power. And that happened and it kind of took the air out of all of it for me. And I was like, what do I do? You know, I haven't even had time to like get the karma for this kind of information, you know. I'm sorry. What was the question? I don't know. I forgot where I was going. I think just thinking about like what it's like like to have like a prognosis like that and then to think about like or yeah, what it's like to have something come into your life that's big and that affects you in such a way.

39:43And then to look back and think like, yeah, what was I thinking at that moment? Was I like depressed? Was I hopeless or did I doubt hope? I thought it was interesting that you said like we mourn things. I know that's something that I don't do well these days in my life is take time to mourn things. like even if it's just kind of like um something heavy happens you know it's like i'll just get back on my phone or i'll find something to distract me yeah and when i'm distracting myself even just my eyes and my my my uh focus i'm distracting my ability to process through through through some of those things you know um but yeah to mourn something is like that it's almost like driving by an old house or something or driving by a place you used to live at or like even a snake when he sheds his skin i bet he probably looks back at least once and is like damn nice to be that.

40:34There's the old Buick. That was cool. Just like that. So I look at old wheelchairs that don't work anymore. It's like, yeah, he looks back. He's like, I can't believe I used to wear Skechers. He just keeps moving along. That's where the day. When you would have, and are we talking too much about your ailment stuff? I don't care. Okay. Because I think it's fascinating to me. I know that you had a series that was called, or that has a series on YouTube and it's called Capable. Yeah. Right? How have you been able to grab comedy out of some of these different moments and things that you see? Because you probably have such a unique perspective on the world that that's probably something that's honestly kind of amazing is like your perspective on society and the way that we operate has got to be super interesting.

41:30It is weird. That's funny. I did capable before comedy. And so, like, writing that and, like, it wasn't even writing it. I just feel like this happened the other day. I want to reenact it. Like, all of it's true. Like, in my comedy, it's all true, too. Like, I don't have to make stuff up. But, like, it's hard because you don't want all your jokes to be like wheelchair, wheelchair. but it's like I experience everything from this vantage point you know you talk about like I walked into the room stop talking about walking yeah you're right no you're right well I think it's also it is a fascinating vantage point though because it's a vantage point that a lot of people don't get that a lot of people don't experience or probably until they get older or certain or most people probably don't yeah has there ever been like an Uber that like they see you and they kind of shake you off like a pitcher like a pitcher that gets like a pitch called in from the catcher or whatever and you just kind of like we're not doing it I've had so many Uber drivers now I'll like hide and have my able-bodied friends go to the car and open the door and they'll be like you know cause they'll just drive off that happens so much One time I had to overbile.

42:56Oh, wait. This is crazy. I forgot about this. Okay. Okay. There used to be a show or maybe still exists called Stone Cold Sober. And it's like teams of three comics against each other. And one of you is drunk, one stone, one sober. Right? So I'm on that show and it's like four years ago. And which one are you on it? I'm the drunk one. Okay. Okay, I'm pretty good at that. But because I knew I was drinking, and they don't give you free drinks, so I drank at my house before I Ubered there. I get the lady Uber driver. Her trunk is full, so we have to put my chair in her back seat. My neighbor has to come do it because she won't do it.

43:50She's, like, whacked out. She's an autistic Barbie That's what we call her Worse So much worse She uh I don't know She was like on drugs I could not recognize Kind of thing Oh that's always kind of fun Yeah I'm like Trying to google a smell It's real hard You're like googling bath salts And like I'm like You're holding JPEGs up too

44:20So I had to send the passengers to Frenzy. She's crazy. Car smells weird. She's swerving. It's not good. And I'm like stressed out. And she's ranting. I'm kind of just like pushed up against the side of the car trying to ignore her. What? Something was wrong with her vagina, you think? She was talking about how Jesus sent her to Nashville from California to save all of us from the liberals. yeah so thankful for her no I'm glad she's here I'm glad fucking Christopher Columba I'm glad fuck I was gonna try to make a joke but my brain doesn't work good anymore anyway I'm wrapping up on you it's not good dude if I catch this I'll be so bad Oh, no, take us through this story, though, because that is unbelievable.

45:20When you get in a thing, you're like, oh, my God. Now I'm at the whims of it. If this lady sees one person dressed up in a Civil War outfit, she's going to hit him with a vehicle, you know? And, okay, so she's ranting about this. She's swerving. I mean, we're still in my neighborhood, and she's almost hitting parked cars. I'm like, hey, girl, please look at the road. You know, she's yelling at me You're trying to use female associative terms Hey girlfriend What you doing? Hey queen, there's a car Hey queen, red light She's talking about how the liberals Are trying to take her guns Oh yeah Well that could be true But not the time to discuss it I think everyone's trying to take your guns I don't think it's Oh that's true, I agree That's a great point.

46:14That's a great point. Everybody's trying to take it these days. But then I'm not, I'm literally just like, you know, and we're on the interstate and she is ranting about the gun thing, opens the glove box in front of me, pulls the gun out. Sorry, this is so crazy. And again, remember I am drunk. I'm drunk. And this woman swerving. she's like a liangelo ball fan or something she's like but like she's not like threatening to shoot me it's more like see i they can't take it like making a point right they'll never find it here right in this glove box which is probably just an extension of her right she pulled over no and then uh i'm like not looking at her because i'm crying a little bit But, you know, it's just girl stuff.

47:13And she's like, oh, are you on your period? And you're like, no, I'm not on my period. There's an insane person. She was like, oh, my God, we're synced up. I know. She's like, 11-11, make a wish. Did you wish for more ovulation? And you're like, okay, this is getting insane. Oh, shit, I'm sorry. I'm being said to Scorpio.

47:43Oh, man. But I'm not looking at her because I don't want her to see I'm panicking. And so she pokes me in the arm with the gun. No. Oh, my God. That's probably, did she know that you couldn't feel it if she poked you in the legs? She wanted to make sure I could. She wanted to make sure you could feel it. and then so I'm like I haven't told that story in so long do you tell this on stage? no I told it on stage once you've got to tell this on stage this is one of the best stories ever to me but go on sorry oh my god okay so I'm panicking she's got the gun and she's still driving? yes kind of waving around hey look at me Hey, yeah, blah, blah.

48:36Again, not threatening to shoot me, just... Right. Got it. Got it, yeah. Yeah. That mommy's strapped and she got that Draco on her. And are you... And what are y 'all listening to? It's quiet. Oh, yes. Yeah, I'm just listening to her rant. I hadn't even thought about that. It was totally quiet. That's the best. When people play too much music or... And this is an all call. This is from me and it's just my thoughts. these are my thoughts if you're an uber driver or somebody that works in like uh operating like transportation that sort of thing if you keep that thing on that's like right turn in seven seconds that i will never tip somebody if they have that turn that thing off have just at least just look at the drawing the worst is when they ask what music you want to just do turn it on and And then that interrupts every 20 seconds.

49:33And you're like. The music does? No, the. Oh, they interrupt its talk? The sound. Oh, yeah. It's all. Anyway, I ruined your story. Let's go. So you guys are rolling together. So I'm trying to be chill because I don't want to freak her out. Yeah. You know? For sure. She has a gun. Yeah. Yeah. She has a gun and she's driving you somewhere. Yeah. You don't want to freak out your captor. I guess that's exactly what you so I'm there's like a group text for the show I'm headed to and so I'm like I'm scared as anyone at the venue my Uber driver has a gun I'm like live texting all the guys are like sorry not there I don't think anyone believed me and then there was one girl in the group text that I didn't know at that time and she was like, oh my god, I'm hurrying to the venue.

50:31I'll try to meet you there. And I was like, please, please, please. We're three minutes away, two minutes, you know. I get there and no one's there. I am so panicked. And again, my wheelchair is in the backseat and I'm wearing shoes like these with heels. I didn't mean to make that sound. I meant yes. Sorry. That was insane. Your husband's in here. And I think my body just didn't know what sound would do. Those are nice. Carry on. Here you go. Thank you so much. My body didn't know what sound would do. Well, I think it just picked the wrong sound. It's been a tough year, okay? It's only January 11th.

51:17I know. I'm like, damn. Okay. Okay. Okay, tell us what happens. So we pull up. No one's there. I'm freaking out. Nobody's there. So now she thinks, oh, this bitch got me running around in circles around here. I swear. I'm so full of adrenaline. I jump out of the car and pull my own wheelchair out. Wow. So, like, gun to my head, I can walk. You can make it happen. Yeah. Gosh. That's a lot. That's crazy She pulled that Draco out that glove box Yeah Like really insane That scared me so much Then I got weirder though You have weirder stories than that? Same night Do you want to go there? Carry on Okay I show up at the venue I'm like hyperventilating Crying I'm inside I'm safe but I'm paying a yank.

52:21Very scary. Yeah. And everyone's like, oh, my God. And I go to the bar because that sobered me up. And I'm, I don't know. I was like, I'm going to get drunk. I don't know what's happening. Yeah, I don't know what else to do. I'm a human. Right. Yeah. I'm freaking out. I'm alone. I was single at the time. So I didn't, like, have anyone to be like, please come get me, you know. and so I go to the bar at Third Ghost and this Mary Gubble who I had met at the airport in Las Vegas a couple months back were there because I'd posted online oh and they came to the show oh that's pretty cool and they were like I told them because they were the only ones I knew kind of and they were like oh my god and they're buying me a bunch of drinks so I do this show I bomb Well, yeah, you had freaking Stockholm Syndrome.

53:19What do you mean you bombed? You were basically the Elizabeth Smart of comedy that night. You didn't bomb. You did your best, I feel like, after being held hostage. And what kind of car was it? Do you remember? Oh, shit, like a Nissan Altima. Oh, dude. Nissan Altima. Because people have given birth in those more than any other vehicle in the past 10 years in this country. I almost was given death in one.

53:50Yeah, dude. Yeah, a white one. Yep. That is the purgatory of existence, dude. If you're in a Nissan Altima, things are headed up or down. You're not doing great. You're at a confluence in your life. You're at a fork in the road. You're at a fork in the road, dude. Oh, my God. Okay, so a couple's buying you shots. They're from Vegas. So I do this show afterwards because I had told them about that. I was scared to Uber, you know. And so they were like, we'll drive you home. And I was like, okay, thank you. And they get me in their car, you know, and they go, hey, before we take you home, We want you to come to this bar with us first.

54:37And I was like, okay. And so we go to some bar. I'm pretty drunk. Okay. And I get carried upstairs to a VIP area by some security guy. It sounds almost like Cinderella. Oh, Rapunzel. Yeah. All of them. Well, you might have to rappel down too. So who knows? The rebel is just falling for me. Feels a nice way to... No, and then, I don't know, I'm just sitting in my wheelchair, not approaching anyone, just kind of drinking, like, quietly. I'm freaked out. It's a private party. I don't know who anyone is. They all have face tattoos. Like, it looks like a biker gang, maybe. Like, I didn't care, though.

55:29It might have been Jelly Roll doing one of those booty boot camp classes or whatever. He does some of those halfway house booty boot camp classes, I think. But go on. Sorry, I'm ruining your story. No. And, you know, someone's just giving me a new drink every time mine's gone. It's the Kennedy treatment. Yeah, the Kennedy treatment? and uh and uh i realized there's one guy everyone's like trying to talk to so i'm like it must be his party you know and he comes up to me at like 2 a.m and he's like hey we're having an after party at my uh like apartment or whatever if you want to come what's your name i was like i'm fiona what's yours and he was like, you can call me Michael.

56:22And I was like, okay. And so Michael. Biblical name. Good sign. Michael has his. Michael Myers. Was he wearing a mask? Is that Michael Myers? Yeah. Hell yeah. I get stuff. He has his security carrying me down and we're all, it's like his posse and me and Michael. he goes on Instagram story I'm in the video and the married couple is being weird to me and the wife keeps trying to get on my lap and Michael didn't like that and so we had a security kick them out and so we get to his apartment the elevator opens to his apartment it's like money I had never seen that kind of money that's rich dude There's like motorcycles inside.

57:19It's huge. And he has like a chef and a bartender. Is it Michael Strahan? Mm-mm. Huh. Carry on. So I'm in there. I have two more guesses. I'm in there. I'm in there. And there is one guy that was at the third ghost show that was tagging along for some reason. He was like a ballerina. Literally. He's a cock, it sounds like. But let's go on. Sorry. I know your husband's in here. Hope everybody's with God. He's a ballerina, he's a male ballerina. Oh yeah, I used to live with a guy, he wasn't a ballerina, what was he? Like one of those frozen ballerinas, he was an ice skater. A frozen ballerina? He was, fuck, this dude was a mixed dude too.

58:00Wait, this guy was Mexican. Your guy was Mexican? Yeah. My guy was mixed, black and white. Oh, okay. Or black and, or white and something. Okay. And, yeah, but he would, every now and then, he would have a couple drinks and he would take us outside. He never wanted us to see his craft or whatever. That's what he would say all the time. He wouldn't invite us to any of his performances or whatever. But every now and then he'd get drunk and he'd take us outside and he would jump sideways over a car. And it was pretty amazing to watch him do it. Anyway, carry on. That's just some mixed guy that I shared an apartment with for a month.

58:36Let's go. Sorry, not let's go. I'm enjoying this story. So you're there. It's nice. there's like fancy stuff outdoor stuff that should be inside that's when somebody's rich when they have like a car in the living room or they have motorcycles I'm like how'd this get up here when they make you think about it yeah and all the girls there very good though gang I was like why the fuck am I here like blonde big fake boobs like everyone beautiful covered in tattoos and this is in Nashville? uh huh and I'm like I still don't know where I am and And Michael's feeding me drinks too, but he was like, are you hungry?

59:16And he had someone make me pasta and pizza, and there was like a video of him feeding it to me. Really? And then he put his number in my phone, and then I had the ballerina drive me home. Wow. And then the next morning I wake up to like 60 missed phone calls from my friends being like, are you alive? because apparently I was all over this guy's Instagram story and stuff. Do you know who Yellow Wolf is? It was him. Really? Yeah, he, like, saved me that night. He saved you from the swingers? Yeah. Oh, that was sweet of him. And he, like, made sure it was okay. He was very nice. I have not seen him since then.

1:00:07Wow. I saw him. We hung out one night in Los Angeles. I got to check in with him. I haven't talked to him in a while. We kind of, I think he lives in Nashville or he did. Yeah. At that time. He's having great songs over the years. Yeah dude We used to jam his shit heavy we used to definitely oh dude being white and being like fuck them and then just replace just who anybody could be them you know dude we would fucking listen to his shit a lot dude mostly was against like rich people or whatever yeah fuck them yeah i never was i never really liked the rich really you know because we had a ditch in our yard right and uh it wasn't our yard or whatever I think the government owned it.

1:00:55Somebody owned it. Whatever. We didn't. But in our neighborhood, people would burn trash. That's how they got rid of trash, you know? So people would just burn trash in the ditch. Because a lot of times people would forget to get it out to the curb, or sometimes people didn't have the cans or whatever, you know? So people would always be burning trash in the ditch. And we'd be running and jumping through the soot all the time, right? So from 50 feet away, we looked like a group of young African-American children, you know, or blacks. Yeah. and anyway that's not even part of the story that's just something that happened a lot but what happened was rich people there was a rich guy who was a veterinarian or whatever and he would drive to our neighborhood and he would take like dead animals and stuff out of the trunk and he would throw their bodies out into our like ditch and like just like getting rid of them on the way to like some other rich area or whatever you know cause our street was like a pass through between a couple rich areas kind of and so they would just so it always made me angry at rich people what type of dead animals?

1:01:56dogs, things that had died that had been put dogs? sorry and that's the worst one oh my god oh dude I could have said any other one and hold on, he wasn't like some dogster or whatever or like a dexter, I mean sorry but he wasn't he was a veterinarian and I think he was having to put these animals to sleep and some of them they would dispose of. This wasn't a time when people would keep their dogs. This was a time when a lot of dogs weren't in inside. I feel like you're lying to me like I'm a little kid because you're like, no, no, no, they're at the farm. Oh, no, yeah, they're safe. They're all alive now, actually.

1:02:37They're in a special area. But he would get rid of some of the carcasses and stuff in our neighborhood. And I think when I was a kid, that was like a rich guy because it was a nice car. so I think I associated like oh rich people are like that like they just throw out the junk for poor people to deal with you know and we're out here fucking and then we end up throwing bones at each other and shit after it would like decay or whatever it's so gross well we didn't know we didn't have it nobody in our neighborhood had a dog we didn't have a dog we had like a couple of dangerous dogs that would travel around the neighborhood and attack people for no reason well we didn't have any like semblance of them yeah yeah none of my friends had dogs, he had a dangerous Doberman.

1:03:20Nobody I knew had a cat growing up. There were some cats that lived outside and were up to very bad things. Okay. And obviously worked for the Satan. Okay. There's no denying that they worked for the Satan. And yeah. So yeah, people were not, nobody was anti-Animalia in our area, but that wasn't something that people had on a regular basis. I remember the first time I went to my friend's house and they had an indoor dog and it was a golden retriever, which first of all, how nice that you have so much gold. You can have an animal just go get some of it for you. Like that blew my mind when they told me what it was.

1:04:04I was like, this is unbelievable. Like we can't even go in our apartment two days a week because some of the gas issues and these people have an animal that will just run off and grab a mouthful of bullion whenever you need it and I remember seeing it's just long beautiful hair and it looked like a beautiful woman to me I remember like that thing is beautiful it was better looking than most of the women in our area it looked like Suzanne Summers bring up Suzanne Summers let's get a gander at her this is one of the funniest times I've had on a podcast in probably two years don't you think Trevon This is great.

1:04:42Wow. Thank you so much, Fiona. Oh, my God. I'm having a blast. That's her when she came in right there. When I saw that golden retriever. A golden retriever for sure. That was her. She was like the icon. Threw some teal earrings on that dog. Put some teal earrings. Is that what you said? Yeah. Oh, dude. Yeah. That's perfect. That thing could have volunteered to work in the nurse's office at our school. Yeah. I'd have been so happy. I mean, do you ever be a little late to class? Never. I was burking orders, man. Let's go into a news section. I'm going to take a break for one second. Do you have to pee or anything?

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1:06:55Thank you. sometimes I mean I know a lot of people that just like do research and like let the morality of stuff go and I'm like okay that can all be true but like imagine that was your sister brother or whatever yeah and we're talking about the Renee Good shooting let's put the ice shooting that happened and this is one clip of it we'll show this clip I know there's different angles of clips I'm not going to get into like a lot of the uh like angular stuff that sort of thing but i do want to cover this a little bit because we haven't talked about it on here

1:07:48and this is a lady and her girlfriend who are out And they're protesting these ICE agents. Rene Goode was involved with an activist group called Minnesota Ice Watch, acting as a legal observer, documenting what's going on, etc. Okay, play it up. I say go get yourself some lunch, big boy. Go ahead. Get out of the car. Get out of the fucking car. Get out of the car. All right, baby. Get out of the car. Oh! And then there's three shots. And the woman's deceased, right? Yeah. Okay. I mean this is just baffling what are some of your first thoughts do you even want to talk about this yeah no I think it's important well okay so I found out that the defense I keep hearing for this ICE agent is that he six months ago or so was dragged 200 feet or something by a vehicle and I'm like, he shouldn't have been working.

1:08:55Yeah. That's PTSD. It says the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent who shot and killed 37-year-old Renee Nicole Good in Minneapolis on Wednesday was dragged by a car in the line of duty last summer, according to court records. So there was documentation that that happened to him. Ross needed more than 50 stitches and had abrasions on his knee, elbow, and face, according to court papers. So obviously he has PTSD in this situation. I don't think there's any way that you couldn't, right? Like he's going to be trigger happy if you're telling me his trauma related to vehicles. For sure. This is the last place that he should be.

1:09:27Right. My thoughts on I think nobody deserves to lose their life in an instance like this. Right. Like the guy shouldn't have shot the woman. He could have shot the vehicle. Shoot the tires. Yes. Or let the vehicle go and deal with it later and find a way to deal with it later on. Those are some of my first thoughts. I have a couple of others. You know, I think as far as like the agitators go, which I think is what it's safe to call them, like at a certain point, you have to recognize that people are just people, right? So if someone's a doctor, they're wearing a doctor's coat, if they're wearing a police uniform, a fire uniform, a principal, they're just people.

1:10:12So they're still like flawed, right? There's still just a regular person like you and I, and we know what it's like to be a person. It's hectic, and it's hectic more than ever. I know you want to have an effect, but this just felt like, you know. Yeah, it's just there are so many other ways to go about it. For sure. I doubt she had ever been face-to-face with someone that had a gun like that because I'd be scared, right? Oh, I'd be super scared. I'd be super scared. A guy pulled, because if an officer pulls his weapon out, they don't usually pull it out unless they're going to use it. Right. Or unless they're probably, they fear the threat of death.

1:10:56I think that's supposed to be why they pull it out. When is an officer supposed to pull their weapon out? Can you look that up for me, Trevin? That's kind of interesting. Because I feel like I watch a ton of police body cam footage. They always pull out their taser first. Yeah. Oh, well, I don't think anything should have been pulled out here. It's like, I just don't know if this had happened six other times down this street where this woman is moving their car and then blocking in front of them. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying anything justifies it. I'm just saying at a certain point, it's a bad idea to mill around somebody that has a gun and be doing anything.

1:11:32Like I'm the kind of guy, when people show up with guns, I'm out. I'm out of the room. I'm out of the room. I'm out of the house. If somebody like I'm at a party, somebody wants to show somebody a gun, I'm out of here. If I'm at a hunting camp, and somebody pulls out a gun? I'm out of here. I'm out of here, dude. I'm out of here. A police officer, reasonable belief of threat. The primary justification is the officer's reasonable belief that there is an imminent danger of death or serious physical injury to themselves or other persons. From my look of view and from the videos I've seen, it seemed to me like he wasn't going to get run over.

1:12:07Yeah. But when you factor in the fact that that had happened to him, I'm not surprised that he would. He believed it was reasonable. That he would overreact. Ugh. It's just a stupid situation that really felt like it didn't have to happen. Well, also, the scary part about that is this is, like, someone that's, like, a government person. And so her being, you know, annoying or aggravating or whatever. I mean they're like in the US I think there's like a certain level maybe not anymore but there was like of a belief that like you know I'm safe and I'm an American like I can talk or you know I can express my beliefs that sort of thing and if this goes unchecked it scares me for what that means what is reasonable after this Yeah, I get that for sure.

1:13:06It's hard to know if this had been going on for two hours before this or if this had just all happened in like 30 seconds. That's a tough thing to know. But to your point is we're going to get into a place where there's a lot more, I feel like, this vigilante journalism type of thing where even with the guy Nick Shirley who went and tracked down the Somalian healthcare fraud, you're going to have more of that and are you going to have more people out here who want to go out and contest the police yeah i it's it overall in the end for me it gets weirder and weirder that we're just getting to these more comfortable places like you and i are able to sit here and watch a video where somebody got killed like we don't see the the bullets hit them and stuff like that but we know what happened and we're in a place now where like we're just like yeah let's talk about it like it's not yeah that's terrifying it's pretty scary um one of the things that's happened that's caused a lot of this is they let so many people into the country without proper uh documentation and without proper checking in like we had some border patrol agents on where they would when people were coming across the border they would have to meet later with an agent at a certain point like because they were so overwhelmed they would be like okay you have to meet with an agent at this point and so many people were not making those appointments and so people were just in america undocumented right and i just believe that everybody should have documentation.

1:14:33I believe there's fair ways to be in the country. I believe that we need a proper immigration in and out. I'm a huge believer in that. Pew Research Center reported 14 million undocumented immigrants in 2023, a record high that likely peaked further before declining in 2025 under stricter enforcement. But what I'm saying is this is one of the reasons why there's so much of this ICE stuff, why there's so much ice going on because there's so many people that are, that are up to no good, that don't want to have any laws that want to hide from documentation that want to hide from being here legally.

1:15:08Um, and then what's wilder from there is the process of becoming an ice agent. Have you seen some of this? So U S citizenship is required. What's required Trevin, are you on Mike? So U S citizenship is required. No felony convictions or misdemeanor, domestic violence, Once a fitness are allowed, you have to pass drug tests, medical exams, background checks. It says here for entry level positions, you typically need a bachelor's degree, but there was reports of some recent ICE recruitments stating that undergraduate degrees are not always needed. So it's kind of like a gray area as far as that goes.

1:15:45Go back up. What's the age restrictions on it? Didn't they change that recently? Let me see. Applicants must generally be referred for selection before age 40. The recent policy changes under Secretary Noem have removed strict age limits to attract more candidates with waivers available for veterans and prior federal law enforcement. So you can be getting a lot of different types. What were some of the – like did you see some of the posters though and some of the campaigns? Can you show some of that? See if you have some of that. I mean – Oh, my God. So it's like – Why is he trying to like, that's like a thirst trap.

1:16:23I know. An old man thirst trap. Well, for sure, because I think they opened up the age restrictions. In an effort to hire more ICE agents, the federal government has lowered the age limit. This poster is part of the Department of Homeland Security's push to hire 10 ,000 ICE agents. Previously, agents had to be under the age of 40. Now that has changed. This is like, yeah, you want this ICE, baby girl? And he looks like he's not wearing pants. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and he wants you to know. Yeah, you want this warm ice. You know who he looks a little bit like is Josh Duhamel a little bit. Can you see that a little?

1:16:59A little bit, yeah. Josh, and he might be upset that I said that, but no. He's a good-looking motherfucker. Dude. Oh, my God. I honestly, I know him some. Is he hot in real life? Dude. He's so handsome, and he knows. honestly he doesn't act like he's like he doesn't act like he's the most handsomest guy around. Really? No not around me I'm a man but he might in other circumstances but dude he's so handsome. Oh my god. Dude he's so handsome. I can't look I'm married take him off the screen. Thank you please God. The woman's already dealing with a lot brother. You're keeping that up there. He's so handsome sometimes I don't I don't even want to go back home after I...

1:17:48It's like, I can't keep living like this. Like, what visual squalor are the rest of us living in if this man gets to operate like that? Imagine how I feel. I'm in a fucking wheelchair and he gets to look like that. Yeah, but you're still... You're hot, though. For now. Yeah, well, look. I'm a pumpkin, brother. But that's just because of the hair, I think. you can change that you can change that with a box of VO5 honey but no that's one of the posters Trevin yeah posted by DHS it almost has like a baseball like the baseball umpire you could umpire whether somebody should be in the country or not the type of people this is for are not the people that should be doing this job like they're like Like, hey, does no one respect you at home?

1:18:48Come on out here. Well, I bet you do get some of that energy where people, that's the thing. It's like in the end, the people who are officers, police, anything, they're just people. Like they're taking those feelings of whatever's happening to them at home, whatever's in the rest of their life, whatever else has occurred, and they're taking them out there. And we also expect like guys to also be, I mean, I think this poster is kind of crazy. I do think that they like just kind of expanded to try and just get more people in. This feels like it's like, oh, you're the umpire and you're calling safe.

1:19:21You know, you're calling safe and out. You can decide who's safe and out of America. You know, I think that's the kind of energy I get from this poster a little bit. But, but, but yeah, everybody takes whatever it is into the world with them, you know? And it's like, even though we put on certain uniforms or certain like costumes or certain name tags, like whether you're the principal or a teacher, like it's still just a person. And that's why I feel like to be out there, like just taunting a person, whether the person's a police, anybody, it's like the danger, especially these days, it feels dangerous to like engage in stuff in public.

1:19:56It feels like, um, but this poster does say ice hiring 10 ,000 agents with a$50 ,000 hiring bonus. Um, that's wild. Now that makes me want to Dust off the old Bumpire uniform

1:20:16Look at this Somebody caught this An ice agent was caught slipping on ice

1:20:28And you know what's the craziest thing these days? We don't even know if this is a real ice agent There's so many people out there that are just cosplaying and getting involved in shit. It's like you just don't even know what's real anymore. And the government could create or the government or different entities could create videos like this just to get us agitated. It's a wild time. Yeah, and the AI of it all. That could totally have been AI. We'd have no idea. It's getting really scary. will say there have been a couple AI videos of me but they can't make even AI me walk and I find that disheartening you would think huh just one more protein was it prolactin is that what you said it was called?

1:21:16you have a good memory has there been like was there ever times where you tried alternative methods of medicine like did you ever go to Honolulu or something? Like, was there stuff like that? I wish. I've never been to Honolulu. They never took you to, like, an exotic place to get a new medicine? No, they took me to New Jersey. During COVID. And they locked me in a hospital for a month, because we weren't... Normally... Okay. That's... Usually people get to go... You go to, like, New Zealand, or you're going to, um, you know, somewhere in the, uh, Amazonia. And you got New Jersey? What part? Uh...

1:21:58What's that one? Not Trenton, huh? It's like 45 minutes from New York. Newark. Yes. Yes. Sorry. Yeah. During the winter. Nightmare. Yeah. And you think walking in snow is hard? Try just having your husband drag you through it. Yeah. And every two seconds I'm like, are you mad at me?

1:22:28What therapies did you try or what was something that you tried that was kind of novel or new? The thing that the reason I'm like emotionally okay now, I do have a lot of faith that medicine will catch up. Like the one I did out there was a fritaxin replacement therapy. So they're trying to figure out how to get it back in your body. And then at that point, it would be me relearning how to walk. They do believe they'll cure me in my, like, but then the next 10, 5 or 10 years, you're not going to like me as much when I can walk. Whoa, that's going to be crazy. So was there a time when you felt like there would be no cure?

1:23:16Yeah. Well, when I got diagnosed, I was like, all right, now we know. So what do I do? And they were like, eh, there's nothing. And they were like, well, your life expectancy is 40. What? Yeah. And I was like, fuck. And they were like, you're going to lose the ability to walk, talk, see, hear, like all of it. So I'm Helen Keller, right? And, yeah, it was pretty fucking dark. But now I am on a med called Skyclaris, which is the only treatment out there for FA that I have. And I mean, it hasn't been around long enough to like have like long term research done. So there's a little bit of being a guinea pig in it.

1:24:07Yeah, my whole life has been elaborate. Wow. Yeah, and I'm okay with it, you know. But it's just three pills every day, and it's supposed to, like, pause the progression, which I am A-okay with. Like, if I can stay this way and not turn into Stephen Hawking, you know? Yeah. That's my—he did get to go to cool places, though. Did he have this same thing? No, he had ALS, which is way worse. Oh, it is? Yeah. And are you guys ever at odds with, like, that kind of stuff? Or is it probably a very similar type of experience? I think it's worse because it's quicker and you're definitely going to... He lived for a long time, but he was also kind of a bad guy.

1:24:57His posture wasn't that good? No, kind of a dick. Was he? Yeah. He was on Epstein's Flylog. Did you see that? But some people deserve to go over there. He was cheating on his fucking wife Yeah dude You can't cheat without help That's crazy Oh that's a good point Oh wow So somebody else is Someone grabbed his hand Those teeth are crazy He looks like a mean little dog Oh yeah Oh my god dude I'm so sorry We're gonna go to hell for yeah no but it definitely yeah it reminds me of my my stepdad had a dog I don't know if he was my stepdad or not but he had a dog named Muffy and at the end it was just blind or whatever but it had these teeth and he would always brush them in front of us and I was like what are we doing what are we doing you know he brushed them like 40 times a day he would brush that dog's teeth I think he felt like because it couldn't see was he mouth kissing it What the hell?

1:26:09He probably was, dude. And the dog had kind of those brown marks around his mouth. A lot of them get those kind of tire burns, like those little white poodle dogs. Yeah, it's like a kid with the Gatorade. Yeah, it's like a kid with the Gatorade. It's like brown all around their mouth and stuff. They get that. Yeah. Oh, that actually looks cute. That makes me sad. Muffy. Muffy was all right, I think. I don't know. My mom knew her a little bit better. I didn't know her. I didn't even know if she was a female. Sounds like she had better breath than me. 40 times a day. Oh, he would brush that dog's teeth.

1:26:43God, he would brush them bitches till they were just fucking shining. I mean, just fucking, just like, just look like a belt buckle right out there hanging out the front of his mouth. I mean, yeah, anyway, what are we talking about? So that has to be totally wild. So there was a time in your life when you went, You were like, wow, so my life is only going to be so much longer. And then there's a time now where you feel like it will be different. Yeah, and it's weird being given sort of a death sentence. Like, you know. Did you do some things you were like, oh, I'm going to treat myself some crazy ways?

1:27:22Yeah, like, there's no reason for me to care about anything. And now I'm like, fuck, I'm going to be here longer. You know? Like, I was a slut for a long time. because I was like, once I'm in a wheelchair, it's over. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, that's a good point, dude. Right? So I'm like, I'm going to fuck everyone I can. I'm like, I'm walking. Sorry, too much. I'll pull back. Edit that out. No, no, that's fine. I just, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, people get out there. You got to. Did you feel like you would ever find love? Was that a fearful thing? I fully, well, the scariest part is like people meet you while you're walking with the cane.

1:28:13And then you have to explain to them it's going to get worse. So signing up for this is a bad idea. And so I would try to avoid that conversation and avoid telling the name of what I have. And that wasn't fair. So would you just try to play it off or whatever? Not a big deal. Yeah, I'm just clumsy. I call myself clinically clumsy. You came up with that? That's interesting. Yeah, well, at least it gives you your own ownership over it, too. But, you know, I mean, Matt and I got together before this medicine came around. So he signed up for me thinking I'd look like Steven. but also he signed up thinking if he gets 10 more years of, I mean, you are a beautiful lady.

1:29:03If you, if he gets 10 years of this beautiful lady, that's a good deal. I feel like, was that what he was thinking? Or was it, was it hard for you to get, to believe that he was in like, what was that? Like, was it hard for you to believe? Like really at some point, did you ever realize for yourself? Cause I think at some point, all of us, it's hard for us to believe that somebody would love us. A lot of people, especially probably comedians. Oh my God. But you being a comedian and having this ailment, do you feel like that? Was there ever like an about face? You're like, wow, I just, I have to believe this.

1:29:36Yeah, I think in the beginning it was hard because he, like my husband, is a really good person. So I. And Matt's comedian as well. Yeah. So that's how you guys met. Yeah, we met at an open mic here. but he's a good guy oh yeah he sat down look at Matt taking it easy fucking lazy dude that's a long minute oh that's beautiful huh yeah you always got a chair with me who are you dancing with there Matt mom oh that's nice what does your mom do Matt Oh, wow. That's cool. Yeah, it was very sweet. He proposed to me outside of Zanies. He had the Marquis say, well, you marry me. Really? Yeah. Oh, did you know?

1:30:42This motherfucker. I guess I had to have known because we actually booked the venue before we were engaged. Okay, so you guys were hoping it could happen. Oh, really? Dude, that's so cool. I didn't even know that. And where do you propose? Right out there in the front? Yeah, well, he took me to dinner at a place I did not like. Yeah. And the name of it is called Bad Idea. So I was like... Like, they're... So, good husband, bad dater. Yeah. Bad dinner guy. And then I get a call from the booker at Zany's, and they're like, someone's here. They want to meet you. Like, hurry up. It's a big deal. And I'm like, what?

1:31:30And so we close out our tab, and we are driving over to Zany's. He's being nervous, and I think he's nervous because I'm nervous. He pulls a gun out of the glove box?

1:31:43he's poking you in the arm with it

1:31:50oh man and then I he was like maybe it's Nikki Glaser and I was like oh because I had never met her at that point and I was like oh my god so I'm rolling real quick top speed around the corner. And then Matt goes, wait, come back. And I was like, Matt, we gotta go. And I look up and he got on my knee and I don't think I even said yes. I think I just kept saying I'm gonna throw up on you. But that's an Irish yes. Oh, that's a beautiful story, actually. It makes me think so much differently of this place now when I'm there. I didn't know that people were falling in love right outside of there and planning their futures.

1:32:39That's awesome. They let us have our, we had like an after party after the wedding and reception. Aw. Yeah, it was very sweet. Oh, that's cool. Wow. Wow, so that must have been, yeah, because I guess like, yeah, I guess you did. Yeah, were there feelings like, do you feel like I'll net like, because I think comics in general have a tough time finding love and figuring that kind of stuff out, you know? And the lifestyle of being a comedian, it's really hard to negotiate with love, right? So, I mean, I feel lucky that we're both, we travel, and now we're starting to travel together. Matt features for me a lot on the road which is like you know a dream come true we're starting to do where he's headlining this Sunday and I'm doing Friday and Saturday dude that's awesome bro congratulations just the ability to be able to do that together that's pretty cool yeah it is cool I'm lucky is there points where you like has it felt weird having this ailment that you're not even going to have that much longer, which is going to be really fucking weird.

1:33:59You're just back or whatever. Everyone's going to be like, that dumb bitch was faking it, and I don't know what to do. I know. I want to do a special now called Before, and then I'll do one called After. I think that's a great idea. Was there a part, like, I guess, yeah, what's that relationship like with comedy and with, obviously people have to joke about what they know the most, right? And I think people are, a lot of times are, I think they look at people, I think sometimes people look at people that have an ailment or something either as like a good luck omen or like as like something that they're almost fearful of, right?

1:34:43Because they don't want to imagine it. They don't want to think like, oh, that could be me or I could be in that situation. that's a weird part about like the sympathy a lot some of it truly is that just simple sympathy but a lot of the times i can tell when people feel bad for themselves because they've created a whole story of like how terrible their life would be if they were me and i don't like that you know because like we all have shitty things i'm lucky for a lot of reasons you know what i mean i'm luckier than most people yeah that's interesting i think it's interesting to think like yeah like how we relate to people sometimes and in the end it's an it's a reflection of something about us or some way we view ourselves or some way that we're afraid to imagine ourselves or there's an ego in that or a selfishness in it.

1:35:43It's hard to kind of figure out exactly what that is, but that's really fascinating. It's like I've been now diagnosed disabled for 11 years, and you figure it out. The worst part is people doing shitty things, and everyone doesn't want to call it shitty. They are like, hey, they had good intentions. It is not my job to figure out what your intention was. You know what I mean? Like you mean people saying mean stuff? Yeah. Do people say mean stuff to you a lot? Yeah. Really? And is it just Kill Tony fans trying to show affection? Probably. Oh, my God. The Kill Tony fans. They are correct. Not all of them, but a lot.

1:36:30What are they like? The DMs I get would blow your mind. Like, I get this a lot. It's people, men asking if I'll roll over their dicks. Oh, with the wheelchair. Yeah. Ooh. Or like, show us your boobs before you die. I get that a lot. Yeah. It's fun. I'm having a good time. I mean, I bet it's added a lot of like color just to your life. I think things like that are just, I mean, yeah, some of that stuff's insane. Is there ever stuff that does kind of ping you a little bit? That's like, are you able to just kind of. There's, yeah, you know, it's whenever someone touches on your real insecurity and you're like, fuck.

1:37:15For me, it's my voice. Because I let go of the fact that my body is not functioning a long time ago. But my voice is all I have. so I recognize I speak slow because I'm trying to pronunciate or enunciate Did you used to be louder and have a different voice at all? It was more annoying It was more valley girl Bro, thank god you got rid of that Now it's kind of deep Oh damn, really? Deep valley girl? You're saying now it's kind of deep Now it just seems like I don't know. I feel like you want everybody... I kind of always feel like you're like a kindergarten teacher. You want everybody to sit on the rug and listen to a story, kind of.

1:38:06Like, it's okay. It's almost nap time. Everyone sit down. Yeah. Wow. Are you ever like... Do you have moments where you're also envious of the fact that you get to have such a perspective of life? because you like not many of us have this thing where there's a possible timeline on our lives, you know, and you know what that's like, but also are able to have a voice like you have, like able to be a comedian whose job it is to articulate things and to share thoughts and feelings. Is there ever moments you're like, wow, this has been, you know, if I don't get to do life again, or if we do get to do it a hundred more times, this has been a pretty special experience.

1:38:44Yeah, I feel very fortunate because I, before the diagnosis, the things I cared about did not matter. And no one could tell me they didn't matter. It just took them, once things are taken away, it kind of strips down to like the truth and the core of like what is important. right i was very vapid very like whatever like i didn't care about my relationships that much you know but all you have is connection so like the more you can connect with people the bigger the impact you leave you know what i mean and all i want to do now which i never first saw any of this is like yeah give a voice to the voiceless a little bit and with them telling me my voice was going it feels so ironic that I'm doing that but it feels good that would be the scariest thing yeah yeah it's like all we have especially like as I think it was work if you work in a comedian or someplace where you speak or someplace you have to like communicate with others regularly or probably just for anybody it's just like man if i my voice i can't tell you how i feel right yeah um you've done you were doing public speaking do you still do that some so i did i think you're talking about the ted talk i did like a text talk yeah a while ago i'm still waiting for it to come out but yeah that was really crazy cause that was the first time I publicly spoke and it wasn't comedy and not like getting laughs cause I wasn't being funny was really stressful

1:40:44hell yeah that's cute huh I'm so happy that you guys have each other it's nice to have somebody is it Oh, yeah. It's really nice. I went a long time without it. I also didn't think I'd ever get married. It wasn't really, I wasn't someone that was seeking that. All my friends were kind of falling into that. And I was like, cool, I can't imagine that. And when I met him, I was like, oh, fuck. He's fucking honky. He got me. Yeah. Honky from Alabama. Oh, he's from Alabama? Yeah. I know. It's fucked. You were already... I've been through a lot. I told you. You're already dealing with an ailment. I know.

1:41:30Now you're married. Wow. And shout out Alabama, dude. That's all people say is, yeah, shout out Alabama. What part, though? Tuscaloosa. Oh, dude, that's a great part. You're a Bama fan? Oh, it's so cool. Roll Tad. I know. Yeah. We got the red hair that are ready for you. Yeah, and the whales are rolled. Yeah, that's true. That's hilarious. You seem to be on your period when you show up over there. They should have a roll-tied section. It's just women on their period for the game. In wheelchairs. I love that. That's great. Red Band will be sniffing all those days. Red Band will judge a seat-sniffing competition after.

1:42:11That's where he got the red part of his name.

1:42:18Wow. Wow. So all the people who throughout this episode were like, Theo's doing too many jokes. Just know that that's where we're at here. That's the level that we're at here. I heard you talk about Nikki Glaser. How great is she? She is a queen. She's the best. She just did the, she hosted the Golden Globes. Let's see some of that. Do you have any of that, Trevin? And congratulations to her. She's fought so hard. You know, she was an opener for Amy Schumer for a long time where Amy was like, you know, the biggest thing in the world. and uh and here she is as just like the absolute queen yeah she's crushing the golden globe for best editing goes to the justice department yes congratulations facts to that and the award for most editing goes to cbs news yes cbs news america's newest place to CBS News.

1:43:23She's awesome. She's so good. She actually, I had never had anyone take me on the road, and I understood pretty quickly that probably was not going to be part of my comedic journey because taking me on the road, you got to account for a chair and blah, blah, blah. I DM'd her out of nowhere cause I saw she was coming to the Ryman I was like I'm a local comedian I'd love to do a guest spot if you have room and she replied within like a couple hours and was like absolutely loved and had me on both her shows and then took me on the road yeah and she was she's the only person that's taken me on the road.

1:44:13That's incredible. And she like paid for an extra ticket for Matt because she wanted me to have someone there. That's sweet. Yeah. She's the best. She's so funny. I'd love to have her back on again. Every time we sit and chat, we have a great time. Dude, imagine that you're sitting there and you get to joke with Leonardo DiCaprio. That's got to be crazy. Oh my god. Talking shit to Leo. You've worked with every great director. You've won three Golden Globes, an Oscar, and the The most impressive thing is that you were able to accomplish all of that before your girlfriend turned 30. I mean, it's just insane.

1:44:52Leo, I'm sorry I made that joke. It's cheap. You know what? I tried not to, but like, we don't know anything else about you, man. Like, there's nothing else. Like, open up. I'm serious. That's a good point. I looked so bad. He's starting to look like Jack Nicholson a little bit. Oh, my God. Go back to him right there. You're totally correct. Pull up Jack Nicholson at his age. Oh, no. We did it. We cracked the code. A little bit. The hairline. The hairline's better on... You don't think Leonardo had any hair implants or anything? Well, here's the thing. I think he has a great hairline, but I bet he also could have easily had that done.

1:45:32It wasn't available in Jack's time. I mean, if you're only dating young girls, you gotta... You gotta keep it fresh. And you gotta keep it until you get a wife. I've had hair put in here. Oh, hell yeah. I didn't know if I needed it. I was just dealing with a ton of stress. Hey, he's bald. He got a wife. Type shit. I got to change my attitude. I just can't see the top of his head. That's it. Dude, that's a great point. You're like, yeah, what do you care?

1:46:05What are like some of the toughest things about being, having this disability that people do not realize, you think? Are there some little things that are kind of interesting? I think there's a general assumption that, like, I am mentally disabled because of how I speak. Oh, my God. I do have a joke about this, but it's, like, a real story. Do you remember that bar Kung Fu? It was in Nashville? It shut down. It was on Broadway. Yeah, I've heard about it. So I went there with some friends a couple years ago, and we rented one out. It was a friend's birthday. It's like six girls, you know, drinking, whatever.

1:46:49And long story short, I watched my friend get roofied. Okay. But, again, nothing bad has happened to any of my friends, so they just take drinks from people and, you know, whatever. So my friend is getting real sick and starting to pass out. It's been like 45 minutes. My able-bodied friends will go to the bathroom together. A dude I saw give her the drink tries to come in. She's passed out, and he's like, hey, that's my friend. She asked me to take her home. And I was like, no. And I just rolled over and put my foot on the door to close it. And then he shouldered it open, and I kicked him in the wiener.

1:47:33And I started yelling for help because he's fighting me. and I can't do much. And finally security comes over, and the guy goes, hey, guys, I'm so sorry. That's my girlfriend, my friend Bessa, and this is her mentally retarded friend that doesn't remember me. And I had to convince these security guards that I was not mentally disabled, and I couldn't do it. It is so much harder than it sounds. Yeah, how do you even... It's like trying to convince someone you're from the future.

1:48:17You can't do it. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Yeah, trying to get away from the accusations.

1:48:28I can't beat those cases. Yeah, dude. No, we got kicked out, but that guy didn't get my friends, so that's the win. I can't believe he had such a plan, too. That's the crazy part. It wasn't his first time. Yeah. I was like, oh, my God. Kind of genius. Kind of funny. Just crazy. There's sick people out there like that, too. Yeah. What would you say to people, other people that have a lot of people don't have the same ailment, right? You said it's so few. Yeah, but they have stuff similar. And it's cool that my shows a lot of disabled people come, which is a bad success to me. I would love one day just like for the club to have to take out every chair because everyone has their own.

1:49:12Yeah. I think that'd be sick. I love that. BYOC, huh? That's great. And were there people that had ailments that you looked up to at certain points or did you find like that isn't real? People just look up to. There's one that comes and I know there are more, but like kind of the like godmother of disability. Her name, she's dead now, but her name was Judy Heumann, and she helped pass the ADA act or whatever. Yeah, Judy Heumann. She rocked. Basically, yeah, the Black Panthers helped get the ADA passed. Wow. Judy Heumann, born in Philadelphia, was an American disability rights activist known as a mother of the disability rights movement.

1:50:07She was recognized internationally as a leader in the disability movement. In 1970, Heumann was denied her New York teaching license because the board did not believe she could get herself or her students out of the building in case of a fire. She sued the Board of Education. Local newspaper ran the headline, you can be president, not teacher with polio. The case settled with the trial. Wow. Wow. Human received much mail from disabled people around the country due to press coverage of her lawsuit. Many wrote about the experience of discrimination because of their disabilities based on the outpouring of support and letters.

1:50:37In 1970, Human and several friends founded the Disabled in Action, an organization focused on securing the protection of people with disabilities under civil rights laws through political protest. Wow. Wow. Do you think there is a common energy where people feel like you can't do something? Yeah. I think people think Matt is my caregiver and not my husband. Oh, yeah. Which makes me very mad. Yeah, you're like, my caregiver keeps taking advantage of it. My caregiver keeps grabbing my boobs. Right. Yeah, I guess there's part of you, I think, as someone that doesn't have an ailment like this right now, that you feel like you want to be helpful and you don't know how to do that, really.

1:51:32That is a question. People always are like, well, how do I know when you need help? And if it's an innocent question, I understand that. But I'm an adult. I know how to ask. You know what I mean? So, like, unless I'm like, hey, can you do this for me? I'm fine. Yeah. You know, learning how to ask for help was one of the toughest parts about, like, I wasn't disabled. And now I am. Oh, wow. You know? I was very independent. Oh, that would be so hard. I hate asking for help. Yeah, it's a nightmare, but like there is so much power in being able to. And I know disabled people that are bad at it and they hurt themselves not asking for help and they'd rather that.

1:52:26And I'm like, what good are you to yourself or others if you're hurting yourself? Yeah. You know? Yeah. I mean, you'll sit there forever and be in pain because you just don't want to speak up. I think it goes back to even sometimes it's like how even like some how like those law officers feel. I think there's a code of human where it's like I want to be able to take care of myself. I should be able to. I don't want somebody to know I'm having a tough time. I don't want to feel like I can't do this. Yeah. I think a lot of that probably comes to surface. What is something that you see like walkies or I don't know what you call like people that are.

1:53:02Daywalkers. Daywalkers. Yeah. What is something you see daywalkers do that just blows your mind? Is there anything that comes up like that? I think able-bodied men are dumb as fuck Because I see them do the dumbest shit Like I'm like your body can break What are you doing? Oh just crazy shit they do? Yeah Like the jackass stuff I'm like y 'all are so lucky But like anything bad can happen to anyone Like the disabled minority is the most inclusive minority It's a good point, huh? Anybody can show up here. Yeah, like you feel bad for me today, but you could be sitting next to me tomorrow. Yeah, we'll save you a seat.

1:53:48Yeah. I like that a lot. It feels like a threat. Is there, yeah. Is there, are there like AA meetings for people that have different types of ailments or like that have like mobility ailments? I know there are disability support groups. I've never been to one which is probably not good I'm sure there's something in Nashville but it's hard also because I feel disability it looks like so many different things you don't want to get in there with somebody who just has a neck brace on they're like I have ADD I'm just like you I hear that a lot yeah dead ass see that's another place we've gotten with these autistic barbies it's like making everybody believe that there's something that they have and it's like it might be true but like you're fine yeah well we're all so blessed i mean i think there's like you just don't even realize the blessings that we have every day i was just this morning i woke up with a good amount of gratitude for the first time i haven't had that in a while and it felt pretty good um what was i seeing in the news.

1:55:04Something else. We'll finish up in a few minutes. Oh, did you see in Iran that they cut off, or Iran, people call it different stuff, but did you see that they cut off all the internet and the phones over there? No. Nationwide unrest in Iran right now is being driven mainly by a severe economic crisis that has quickly turned into a broader anti-government movement. What caused it? Iran's currency has plunged to record lows with the rial, that's what they use, losing a large share of its value, and pushing up prices for food, fuel, and other essential items. The initial economic anger morphed into political slogans like death to the dictator and calls for the end of the current system.

1:55:46So inflation above 40 % in years of sanctions, mismanagement, and corruption have left many Iranians unable to cover basic living costs, prompting shopkeepers, workers, and students to launch strikes and street protests. Is there any video from that? I mean, it's unbelievable. Imagine if they shut the internet down here. Look at this.

1:56:12That's wild. And this is in the capital, Tehran. There's this protest against the regime there. I think at a certain point, you see when things get bad enough that people will take action. Which I guess is still nice to see that people... Work together to... To make something different. Because it starts to feel like in America sometimes like. We're all for ourselves. Yeah. And as long as somebody's mailing me some Tostitos or something. And I can't have government dip that I'll be. You know what I'm saying? I just think we've gotten very comfortable here, you know? Yeah. I mean, what would happen in America if the government was down?

1:56:47We'd have to write letters to each other? I can't even write anymore.

1:56:54I'd have to get a typewriter or some shit. Oh, that would be unbelievable.

1:57:03My chair would stop working. Your chair would stop working too, huh? Probably. You'd be stranded. I'd be screwed. You'd be like one of those Waymos that just went in a circle or whatever when it got commandeered. Do we have anything from just somebody like boots on the ground over there? I know they're having... Oh, what's this? this is Masi Alinejad this says please help us the situation here is horrific it is a full scale war the regime's forces show no mercy they shot protesters in the head and heart and even finish off those already wounded on the streets in hospitals and wounded are being kidnapped and killed wow this is Nikki Haley says at least 12 ,000 Iranians fighting for freedom have been murdered by the regime wow is that true possibly thousands more

1:57:58Okay, the death toll and growing protests in Iran is believed to be in the thousands with an Iranian official putting the figure at 2 ,000. but human rights groups estimating those numbers could be far higher. Wow. Have been killed in protests of Iran now in their third week. Iranian officials have called the protesters terrorists and accused them of rioting. I mean, it's interesting to see how quickly a republic will call someone a terrorist.

1:58:28Iran International, a London-based Persian-language news channel, wrote in an editorial on Tuesday that it believes 12 ,000 people have been killed. They called it the largest killing in Iran's contemporary history, taking place over two nights between January 8th and January 9th. Wow. I mean, this is a revolution. This is a revolution. Demonstrations began in late December over economic hardships, but have grown into widespread anger against the regime of the Islamic Republic. Yeah, prayers for the people in Iran that are dealing with that, that are dealing with just like I can't even imagine what it's like not to be able to have a voice to feel like you don't anyway.

1:59:03It just goes to show like in the old days when they didn't have the internet and they didn't have cell phones, you still had a voice, right? But I think this is almost, this feels like proof to me that those things create what a voice is nowadays, right? Because some of those companies will be like, well, it doesn't matter how we act or how we behave or what like rules we allow or don't allow on our platforms because if you don't have this, you still have a voice, but you really kind of don't. Yeah. You know, it's like, it's hard to know what's going on somewhere. Yeah. Well, it's like we became so reliant on technology and stuff that we don't know how to have a voice without it.

1:59:47And that was by design because it's something that can be taken very easily. Right? 100%. I didn't know we can go down those roads we'll have to go down those roads no it's good no I think the same way it's like oh well here's a voice but it's for lease really right yeah yeah it's like a voice you are no longer allowed to own yeah interesting and what's the president saying about this Trump said Iranian patriots keep protesting take over your institutions save the names of the killers and abusers they will pay a big price I have canceled all meetings with the Iranian officials until the senseless killing of protesters stops.

2:00:27Help is on its way. Make Iran great again. President Donald J. Trump. That's insane. Effective immediately, any country doing business with the Islamic Republic of Iran will pay a tariff of 25 % on any and all business being done with the United States of America. Wow. So they're not playing around. They're trying to—or who knows if they are. I mean, half the stuff they say is means nothing, but, uh, but they're definitely sticking their heads out, man. It's just so it sucks so much that people, the regular people have to suffer the, the whims of their politicians. But then also it's brave that people are willing to get out and protest and speak up for things that need to happen in their community.

2:01:10You know, uh, if, if your government is just ruining the value of your currency and you're sitting there, you can't afford to feed. like I saw I've read some of the price of eggs over there gone up like seven times and that they have oil and that they reframe the prices of of gasoline over there to make it more expensive at a certain point you have to stand up for yourselves you know which can be hard for some people yeah yeah it can see if you have one video of Iran before the in the 1970s before the oh yeah dude They were getting it. They were getting it. They were putting lotion on. Outside?

2:01:54Oh, hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Another motorized person. You know I like that. Calling wheels, huh? Yeah. I mean, it's just wild. It's so crazy. It's crazy to think to live in a, grow up in a place where you're not free. You know what I'm saying? and it is not, you just are a soul put on an earth. You're supposed to be free here. Like, if anything, you're supposed to be free. Like, whether you're supposed to just live in the woods or whatever we're supposed to actually be. It's weird that just by happenstance, you're either free or you're not, just depending on where you were born. You know? And, like, not to, like, make it all about disability, but like being disabled in a country that's not free.

2:02:46I mean, even here before Judy Heumann did her thing, there were signs like in the 90s on like windows of like private businesses and some of them wouldn't let disabled people in because it made their other customers uncomfortable. No way. Mm-hmm. Disabled people have been left behind forever. Like, even now, I think as a minority, even though we are the largest minority, we have the least amount of progress. It's because all we're asking is for accessibility and no one wants to spend money. Wow. And when money is involved, you're going to see change real slow. Like, I can't even afford to really make where I live completely accessible.

2:03:42You know what I mean? Yeah, people don't even think about that. It's really expensive. I mean, I don't ever even think about that a lot of times. Like, is this place accessible? Could somebody live here? What would this be like? Yeah, I didn't think about it before I was disabled. You know? I never thought this is all I would think about. Yeah, yeah. And, like, think about New York. Like, you can't even, like, half of the living, more than half of the living, you can't even, probably doesn't even apply to you because you can't get it. I want to talk to a disabled person that lives in New York and be like, how?

2:04:17What are you doing? I've been a few times now, but not for more than two days because getting around is a nightmare. Like so many like restaurants are just stairs. And so I'll wait on the sidewalk and Matt will go in and like send me a picture of the menu. dude that's why you don't even think how many comedians who are disabled comedians probably haven't even had a chance to shine because of how just because of maybe what a place like New York is just the fact that it is stairs to get in a lot of places the name of the cellar come on come on let's think about it guys I haven't been able I've been able to get in that side room they have a little elevator but not the main one.

2:05:06There are so many clubs. I remember when I started comedy, I had never seen, I've seen like Josh Blue. He was a big inspiration. Yeah, that's when I was starting out with Josh Blue. He was so great. So funny. I met him once before, way before I was a comic. I was at, I paid money to go to a show at Zane. I got shit faced and embarrassed myself in front of him. Are you sure that's what happened to you? It sounds like you were just an alcoholic. You sure you didn't get in a drunk driving accident? I can't remember. You went to see Josh? Yeah, and he was doing a little meet and greet. And I was like, I'm back there.

2:05:50And he was like, okay. That's so cool. Really embarrassing. I tried to jump a curb in my wheelchair that night. Nuh-uh. Fell out and gave myself a black eye Oh yeah Yeah they just put some speed bumps in our neighborhood And it's a nightmare sometimes Trying to keep the disabled out It's like a moat in my world Oh every now and then I'll see a disabled person Just stalled out of there at the speed bump And you're like well they didn't ask for help So I'm not helping

2:06:25Any other news was there anything else What about the new Drewski skit where he rips on megachurch pastors. Let's take a peek at it. I love Drewski. I haven't seen him in a while. Let's see. Let's see what Drewski says here. Let's watch it and we'll get out of here. You ready? I'm a revolution. What you doing?

2:06:47Do you want a revolution? I'm going to have Wanda stand up here. Wanda, please. Wanda told us earlier this month that she could not have a baby anymore. So I impregnated her with the word of God. I'm going to impregnate everyone with the word of God. You're going to get pregnant with the word of God. You're going to get pregnant with the word of God. You're going to get pregnant with the word of God.

2:07:14Impregnate. Oh, my God. He can do that? Somebody in the congregation asks why I'm wearing Christian doors. I know he can slip and slide. That's just me trying to do stand-up. That's not you. That worm? No, with the. Oh, with those? Dude, why don't you get those? We've got to talk to the club. You're like, look, if they're not putting a ramp in, they're certainly not putting in two cables that I can hang from the ceiling from. Yeah, I just want to be puppeteered. That'd be so crazy if you had a whole musical and it was people that are in wheelchairs and they're all being puppeteered, though, and they have them as if they're not.

2:07:55I love it. It would feel great. I can't walk, but I can fly.

2:08:03Fiona, thanks so much for joining us. I appreciate it. Thank you for having me. I know you and Matt have a podcast called Ramping Up. Yeah. And is it out every week? Yeah. Every Monday at 4.30 Central. Okay, great. That's beautiful. How long have you guys been doing it? Christina was on? Yeah. Oh, she's the best. Yeah, she rocks. She's my favorite. Do you know Derek Strupp? I don't know my first name oh my god yeah he's unreal he's maybe the funniest working comic I've seen in a long time he's from Nashville he's in New York but he's from Alabama I gotta touch base maybe I do know him I bet I've met him here I don't know I think I had an aneurysm last year but we'll see I'll probably see ya I'm saving you a seat that's going to be a new merch saving you a seat Fiona Cawley you can see her live coming up in Chandler Arizona San Antonio Texas Nashville January 21st that's this week next week next Monday right Sunday out in LA January 27th that might be out there that's going to be cool San Diego Comedy Works Denver have you been there No, it's my first time.

2:09:30Dude, it's so cool you're getting to go to all these places. It is very cool. I'm nervous because I assume it's snowy in Denver right now. Yeah, and I think there's one downtown and there's one that's on the - South or whatever. Yeah. I'm doing that one. The South one? Mm-hmm. South one's good. It's got a good, there's like good places to eat right around there. Oh, and the room is super cool. I've actually never done the downtown one. I've only done the South one. I think downtown is new and it's more like events. It's what I heard. I'm not sure. But you're going to be in LA at the same time?

2:10:07Well, I have a show at the belly room. You do? Mm-hmm. If I'm there at the same time, I'll do it. You didn't invite me to do it. No, I want you to. That's where I was going. I talk real slow. Oh, sorry. I was like, God, this is getting really... She's having a flare up. She's putting me... It is nap time. Holy shit. do you get a nap time if Matt lets me that pervert he doesn't let anybody he just watches well Matt was in the background here so Matt thanks so much for being here Taylor that's your last name Matt Taylor Fiona Cawley thanks so much for coming in and hanging out today I'm glad we got to chat and just laugh and think about some stuff together and best of luck and you guys go see her check her out wherever she is it's great it's really really great this is one of the funniest episodes I've had in I mean probably two years is probably some of the most I'll laugh so thank you thank you for having me

2:11:25But it's gonna tell you