#659 - Ari Matti

26:05He was even like, he told me when he was younger, It was kind of violent against women. Because, you know, you hate yourself. And when you hate yourself, you hate the world around you. He probably didn't even know it either. No, he said he knew. He knew. But he never explored it. And then he said he was like maybe like 25 or something. I think it was something like that. He goes to a party in Finland. Finland is a ferry ride right across from Estonia. And it's not the Soviet Union. So it's a bit more, you know, and also nobody knows you there. Oh, it's a bit more kind of like a nouveau riche or risque.

26:43And he was in a nightclub. And he took a ferry there. So even a ferry ride, that will stimulate... The ocean. Yeah, the ocean within. And you're abroad. Nobody knows me here. And he said he was in like a bar. And he said a guy looked at him in a way that no one has ever looked at him. And he knows... that look and they just suck and fuck for like three days in a hotel room. Oh my God. I thought the story was going to be a little, I thought it was like, it'd be a bigger moment between that part. They just went to the hotel and that's what's his first like experience. No. You know, and he talks to this guy and this guy's, yeah, it's fine.

27:19Like, this is like, you're a person. It's fine. Yeah. You're Finnish. Yeah. You're Finnish. Yeah. Finnish on me. Yeah. And then he went back to Estonia, had to hide it for a little while. So it's like those gay guys, when I look at like a 50 plus year old gay man, to be gay in the 80s, you had to fight for your right to suck dick. That's a gay man. Heroes. Yeah, that's a hero. Yeah. You know. That's the Navy. Yeah, that's literally, yeah, yeah. You growing up in the Marines. Yeah. And sorry, the Marines might take offense. I think the Navy will be okay if we say that. And no offense if anybody is being gay or not or in the Marines or whatever.

27:55But yeah, dude, I talk about that. Actually, I just taped a special the other day, and I have a bit about that. I mean, everybody has a bit about a lot of these things. But yeah, dude. And with Caitlin, too, you know, it's like she's like an icon in America. We had a trans bass player in a band. It was all chicks in a band, famous Estonian band. And one guy, the bass player was a guy, but he always wore, like, skirts and shit. Okay. And then eventually he transitioned. So, like, women's paraphernalia or whatever, skirts, brassieres. Mm-hmm. Brassieres. and then he transitioned like early 2000s and in Estonia at that time, we were all like, we don't even know what to go do an Estonian doctor who usually does, gives you a little like paracetamol when you have a headache.

28:40Yeah. Like these are, yeah, people can't even do this in Estonia. Exactly. So to get a sex change. And to tell a doctor, shove half of it off, the other half you just like cut half of it out, shove the other half in, build me a pussy, Build me a Soviet pussy. Oh, yeah, yeah. And they were like, I remember he was even in the news. She was even in the, I mean, at that time, I mean. Build me a Soviet pussy, dude. Bro, that's the name of the musical we're going to write. Okay? That's the name of the musical. And there was like a news article that she was in the grocery store in Estonia. So it originally was a man and then he transitioned.

29:15Yeah. Okay, then she was in the grocery store. There was a news article. She was in the grocery store and some guys are drunk and they're yelling, f*** and shit, you know? Oh, that's messed up. And you know what she did? Took the heels off and went fucking factory settings and just started beating them. She went, now that's someone who stands up for gay rights. Yeah. You know. If you're a millionaire, you go to a private clinic, you know. That's easy. That's an easy turn. You're a hero. Yeah. And those rich people, they'll even get like a - A pretty pussy. Yeah, or a weekend cock. You know, just give me something I can put on for the weekend.

29:47Yeah. You know, they'll get something with earrings on it. It's like, this is unreal. I'm talking about the freaking day-to-day blue-collar potato pussy. The Glasgow Scotland pussy. Yeah, exactly. Good day, sir. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the vagina that even like if you look at it, if you look at it two times, at least one of those times, it still kind of looks like a cock. For sure. Yeah. Yeah, you just. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Like it's just doing its best. Yeah. I want to let you know about Shopify. hands down it's the best place to start and to grow your business these days that's it if you're trying to get something going and you don't know if you can you don't know if you have all the pieces then you need to know shopify it's the platform where you you own everything you own it it's your store it's your community they just help they did it for us i didn't know if i could have a merch shop and Shopify made it.

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31:36us. Kelly Riley and Cole Hauser return, and this time they're taking on Texas. As Beth and Rip begin to build a future together, peace will have to wait as they face corruption, danger, and a ruthless rival ranch willing to protect its secrets at all costs. And Texas is about to learn what happens when you pick the wrong fight. Legacy is a beautiful thing, but only if it survives. Dutton Ranch, starring Cole Hauser, Kelly Riley, Annette Bening, and Ed Harris, now streaming on Paramount+. Dude, so you're from Estonia. So let's bring up Estonia because Because to a lot of people, or I'm not going to say that, it sounded like a fictional place.

32:36I remember when I was a kid, I heard the word Kalamazoo, right? And it sounds like a place Dr. Seuss would have made up or something. Is it a place? It's a place in Michigan, but I didn't know that. Kalamazoo. Kalamazoo, right? It sounds like. Yeah, that sounds like a candy. Yes. It sounds like a candy that pops in your mouth. Yes, the Kalamazoo. But then I was in an airport one time. I was probably 16 years old. I'm in the airport and I saw Kalamazoo and I was like, no way, it's a real place. Never had an idea. So Estonia seems like a place that almost seems like something out of, I guess it's - Game of Thrones or something.

33:10Yes. We get that a lot. But it gets confusing because I can't - If somebody said, describe Estonia, I'd have no idea what it is. How to spend a weekend in Tallinn, is that the capital? Yeah. Wow. It's like Kalamazoo is like my subway. You know the sandwich shop subway? Yes. We had one subway in Estonia. When I was like 16, I went there every day and I thought, so cool of a family restaurant. Name it Subway because the sandwich looks like a subway. I did my birthday there. And then I went for like a trip to Sweden and I saw another subway. Broke my fucking heart. I thought this was like a family restaurant.

33:44Yeah. Oh, dude, it's beautiful. I mean, just picturing somebody doing their birthday there. On a subway, yeah. It's beautiful, dude. And I'll say this too. I dated a girl that worked at a subway And I remember I'd go in there and she'd hug me with, she'd have those hand covers on and she would hug me when she had them on. Did she smell after her shift? She smelled the subway a bit. Oh, beautiful. The Asiago, when they came out with that Asiago bread, people didn't know what to do. I used to bang a girl from McDonald's. She smelled. Okay, that's different. She quit McDonald's. Like, she had been quit.

34:16She hadn't been working there for six months. What, the sex was so good she quit McDonald's, you're telling me? That's insane, bro. Are you kidding? Why? And I would go to her place. Six months later, her apartment still smells like the fries, you know. Yeah. Bro, that was such a mystery, dude. Like at certain ages when you're still going over to strangers' homes for sex. Yeah. That's a crazy experience, especially if they live with a lot of other people or you don't know who they live with or there's an animal there. You have to like first defend yourself against the animal. You have to like placate the animal.

34:54You have to get down close to it, lie in its ears, tell it lies. And so, you know what I'm saying? It's like you have to get past the wizard. You always know if it's a whore, if the dog is too friendly. You know, the dog is like giving you water like you're doing a podcast. Just you wait here. They'll let you know when she's ready. Yeah, dude. That's how you know. It's a fucking whore. The dog's like taking a number out of one of those little machines. Yeah, yeah. If the dog attacks you, that's how you know. That's a good sign, bro. That's how you know. You're right, dude. That's great. Dude, one time I went into a...

35:24If he brings you the condom, you know, in his mouth, it's like, oh, fuck. And if he can take it off for you. That's insane, dude. And bro, dude, one time I went on this thing called Semester at Sea. So it's like a floating school that's on a campus. It's a floating college. Floating college. Yeah, bring it up. What? Semester at Sea. My friend got me on this. It was for like fancy people, right? Oh, my God. This is such a... If my daughter ever said, I'm going to a semester at sea, oh, my God. I mean, this is a suck and fuck boat. I mean, I think there was... My sweet baby angel is stuck at sea.

36:04No, look. Even a helicopter can't access you. Holy fuck. This is worse than taken. Now, brother, there's a lot of education going on. I'd rather send my daughter to France. Oh, yeah. This is worse than taken. Well, in France, they'll fuck her, but softly, you know. It's like very... They can't even really get the job done. You know? but uh but no we went on this and um and I got a job I worked in the bookstore and my college like all my college stuff applied to it so in the end it wasn't very expensive and like I got like you know different like little loans you can get like um they had these like Fannie Mae loans or something anyway so I was able to go on this thing but we went to what was something we were just talking I'm out.

36:43You remember it? We were talking about, oh, going to a stranger's place to suck and fuck. You're on a boat. You're working. You met a girl maybe. Yeah, I was on. I met a guy. No, I never met a man. I'm never meeting a man. Yeah, I'm so straight. I'm never meeting a man. Well, I would meet a man for like dinner or something if it's a friend or like, but I'm not. When the sun goes down, you got to go. Well, I'm just like, I think being gay probably 1 ,000 years ago or even 100 years ago probably seemed way more exciting. Like even if you were just a brave ass dude that loved like Carmen Sandiego or Encyclopedia Brown or any of those type of, you know, those books, like those mystery books, you might be like, oh, I'll be gay just because it's fucking.

37:30You want to play hide and go seek against the best. You ever did some like gay shit when you were young, but you didn't know it's gay. It's just like boys exploring themselves or something. Did you do anything like that? I wouldn't say I did anything like that. I did something where me and my cousin, we would go to an abandoned, you know, like a construction site. Yes. Abandoned, it has that. What's the place where they, like the container where the construction guys, they do coffee, they take a nap. Oh, yes. You know the container? Yes. It's like a little trailer. A trailer. Yeah. And it was like an abandoned trailer.

38:03and me and my cousin would go there and we would like give each other massages and the prize was like candy, a piece of candy. Like one minute was one piece of candy and we'd give each other like these back massages. And it was like, and then one time I remember we put our dicks into like a bottle. We like shared a bottle. How big of a bottle are we saying? Now, I wish I could say Nesty with the big one. It was a little, it was, you know. Oh, wow. Yeah. So we were like exploring. But how did you put them both into the top of the bottle? No, not the same thing. It's like we - Oh, separate bottles.

38:36No, same bottle, but we shared it. Oh, one person, then the other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah, very interesting. And then one time we were giving each other these back massages. I had my shirt off. I was on the floor and my friend was giving this back massage. And then we're going to fuck the bottle, you know? It's like a regular Tuesday. And like a guy - Oh, yeah. First of all, this is also the Estonian Olympics. Like a security - And then a security guy or a construction worker. Somebody walked in. You know what he did? He just ran out. because I get it from his perspective. He can't go to his boss and be like, I saw these two boys.

39:06It was me and two boys in a trailer. He's getting fired. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he just ran off. Well, now that you shared, then I'll say something. So, yeah, there was like a thing where like, I mean, I remember a couple things, I guess. Because I never had a father. So I guess like. Right. Nobody ever taught me about sex or anything. My stepdad tried to talk to me about sex. He was literally showing me videos on like a laptop. It was like a neurotic movie where you don't see penetration, but you see it from the shadow. I was 17 years old. I was like, you think that's cool? Let me. I showed him.

39:39Have you seen Mr. Horse? My stepdad was like, yo, this is out there? I was like, yeah. Dude. So, yeah, my sex talk was so late. So it was just me and the fucking trailer at nine years old trying to figure out all these emotions. Oh, dude, I remember one time, yeah, like my buddy and I, he was over at my birthday party or whatever, and he was like, you had your birthday party, and then like two friends got to stay overnight, right? So everybody came to the party, and you had to pretend like everybody was leaving, but then two friends got to stay overnight for your birthday. And one friend was like a little bit older, and he was kind of thick, this little kind of thick kid, and he was like, all right, let's all take our shirts off, and then let's like, and then he said like, you could read each other's ribs like you know your ribs like they had like it was almost like hieroglyphics like you rub your hand along the other person's ribs you could get like a message out of it is it make almost like you know those bumps that they do for people that are fucked up yeah uh braille braille braille so he said your body holds braille in it and if you put your hands like along somebody's ribs you can you'll get a message right and so we're real braille for you right now you can read this when you're blind deaf and mute dude i got i got a good braille for you down here dude but no so we had it bro so we had us like there was like three of us under this like blanket or something and we're all just sitting there we didn't have our shirts on and we're just like all trying to trying to read each other's ribs dude you know and then like whoever seemed like the kind of gayest kid would like get a message or something or it was just like but this one kid was kind of facilitating it and he'd probably seen something erotic or he'd had like different thoughts or something.

41:24Because your synapses are firing of pleasure and reproductive and testosterone. But it's a lot of information, but you can't translate it. Right. Like, I remember when I was like seven years or something old, it was a Christmas party. Oh, do tell. It was a Christmas party. Fair. Fair play, lad. And my... And was it snowing out? Lots of snow. Oh. so we need to be here tucked in yes sir and I remember there was this yes we do sir yes we do and there was this cousin she was like in her 30s maybe ginormous titties oh I didn't know that titties are the secret to life but I know that something is there you know it's like there's sexuality is already it's you just don't know what to do with the information something about these titties are making me feel in a way and I don't know you don't it's not it's like innocent it's not like i have an ipad to google right it's just this mystery feeling and i would sit in her lap and i would put my head like my back on my neck between my cousin's titties and i would like squeeze him and i would feel oh just feel the pressure of two tits against the back of your head it just feels amazing that's good and all my cousins are laughing because they know girls know so it's funny to them right they see this kid just I know, this little parrot, this little horndog.

42:48Right, it's just a horndog. I know. It's almost like an electrical wire on the street that's just rattling. And I noticed, the more I bring her this, she was drinking this red liquid. It was wine. And the more I would bring the wine, the more titty access I could get. Ooh, do tell. Because she got a little crazier and crazier. And they started laughing more. And I kept going to the kitchen, little Bill Cosby Jr. I was putting the juice and I kept bringing her. More wine, my dear. And you know what's crazy? she gets so fucked up she like takes a nap on the couch okay do you want to stop this story here no no no this gets good and I really want to squeeze the titties but in my seven year old brain something said no right something said no right the titties are closed and I felt bad about it like that I even thought of it so I went in my room and I felt bad that's how I know I can never rape even as a 7 year old boy there's something in your body that goes now that she's sleeping this is weird right if two people are playing the game exactly then we can have the game wow dude yeah let me think and after that it takes so many years for even to find out about sex pussy and all that but it's funny when you're a little pervert boy and you just all these emotions you don't know what to do with them oh yeah well we had this one fellow boss named Roy, I think his name was, or he said it was.

44:17And he would like, he used a hair dryer or whatever, so he was kind of, he was leaning towards being gay. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And because children didn't use hair dryers. We just didn't even know about it, and he knew about it. He would always have his with him. If you were even just hanging out with him in a room, he'd fucking plug it in. My mom would say he's like a kid who loves a sunny day. Yeah. Yeah. But one time, he did get, I remember he got uh he's like dude if you take a piece like a piece of tape right and you put one piece on the end the top of your wiener like tape it to the top of your wiener and you put the other piece of the tape on the top of his wiener and i remember him like getting us to do stuff like that and stuff or like play navy or whatever like just different shit that was just in hindsight in hindsight because then you're just standing there and now there's like this little bridge you don't realize it's a bridge it's a bridge you don't realize that though it's a bridge right because you think oh it's just some tape on my wiener some tape on their wiener it's like a ouija board like it we're opening up the spirits yes it's a portal yeah it's a portal dude it's a portal so i think there's stuff like that when kids are young and they don't know um one time i found my buddy's kids i just walked i was like i'd live with this family they're they're pretty much like family to me i'd walked in and two of the young kids are in the bed naked together yeah but i it's just kids like they don't know what to do my friend scott would come over and we would like go on a date with our pillows like in the room or whatever and uh just like like that my mom like had boyfriends i i do think that uh being open to your children about sexuality i don't i think at these times especially with the internet all this keeping it innocent is actually worse and keep you know some sometimes kids get really traumatized if if the parents make it really traumatic because if you do something like explore your body or some some of this weird shit and you know your dad walks in and starts yelling and being in the shit out of everybody that's actually really bad it's like it's hard to raise like okay like i i have a friend he's uh he's got a beautiful daughter and uh and i had to babysit for this little girl um she was like maybe six or first time in my life I've ever been together with a small girl.

46:37And I got so nervous immediately, you know, because it's like, it's not even my daughter, it's my friend's daughter. They went to the city to do something, and I've already hung out with her. Right, but when you're the, oh, dude, first time I had to watch my niece, I was like, what the heck? I never thought about that. It's actually, I can't leave you alone because I'll be downstairs watching TV and you're up there fucking jumping off a balcony, and now I've got to explain to my friend, you know. So I'm nervous, you know. And then the mother starts telling me all these things she can't do. No peanuts.

47:07Literally, she's going to explode into a dead. And then I got to think about, wait, what has peanuts in them? Does a Snickers, oh, Snickers, oh, I got Snickers. I got to, now I'm starting to. Right, now you're hiding stuff or covering things up, taping down a Snickers. Yeah, yeah. Then I'm like, oh, where's a loose knife? I start baby-proofing the place, basically, you know. And you happen to bring four loose knives, which was crazy. Exactly. I had, yeah. I guess I got to hide the knives. I guess we're not doing throwing nights. So then she goes, no peanuts. Oh, and then she goes, no watching.

47:37What's that series that girls love? The Degrassi. Degrassi? Degrassi High? Yeah. That show is now on in Estonia? Well, that time it was. Oh, wow. Bring up Degrassi, dude. Is this the original? It's the original. Wow, bro. I forgot about this. And people, and little girls love this shit. But it's got a lot of like sexual stuff in it. It's a certain age where you're ready for this show. Got it. She was not ready. So the mom tells you, no Degrassi. You know, you can watch Frozen. You know, and then she goes, no, no candy because her sugar, because it's like late at night. And when we're picking her up, we need to put her to bed.

48:13If you give her sugar now, it's all, you're fucking. It's us. Right. All these rules. And then they go, oh, and watch out that she likes to climb stuff. They noticed that in my, in my apartment, I had a, I had a, the, the, the staircase that goes up like this, you know, not circle. Like a winding staircase. Winding staircase. And it's got the railing. Like in Castlevania or Transylvania. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm a vampire. And they go, oh, don't let her ride the railing. It's like, you know, don't let her climb it, you know. They already see the danger, you know. So they're giving me this, bah, bah, don't do that.

48:49No jelly beans. No fucking da Grazi. No peanuts. No, oh, fuck. Jeez, this is way more than I expected. And they leave. Takes the fun out of it, too. I know. Part of the fun of watching someone's kid is seeing what happens if you don't know what's going on. And then me and this angel, we're like hanging out on the couch. I mean, we're watching Frozen. She's already seen it. I've seen it. And then like, I want to be the cool uncle. Jellybean city. I get the jellybean. I fuck it. Right. Or you smoke on the porch let her watch you through the glass. That kind of shit. Yeah. I get jellybeans up in this bitch.

49:25I put the grassy on. She's jumping up and down. We're watching the grass. She's running around having fun. Let's go. And I'm like, and I tell her, I make her pinky swear, don't tell nothing. You don't say nothing. And she's like, okay. And we run around Jelly Bean City, Degrassi's on full blast. We're listening to fucking, what's that, Glorilla. It'd be a young boy, yeah. We're listening to crazy shit. I'm a nigh maybe when you got it. Yeah. Yeah. And then she goes, let's ride on the railing. And I'm like, fuck your parents. We're taking a ride. So I go first. I come down fast. She's like, oh my God, it's my turn, my turn.

50:06I'm like, okay. She gets up there and I'm at the bottom. I'm trying to see where she can fall off. Yeah, that's called risk management. Risk management. We got jelly beans. We got Degrassi. We're riding rails. Oh, yeah. And she comes down slow, but first. she looks back at me and the face she has she makes like a I realize I can see it I don't think so I think so you think so? so I catch this little horndog and she wants to go again she keeps getting slower and slower and you're putting her back up there you got I mean what are you doing? she wants to go again well you're the fucking manager of the place yeah but it's hard to be like, no!

50:58You know. Oh, yeah, you're right. So she goes maybe two or three more rides, right? Oh, my God, bro. You got to chill, dude. I mean, like you're saying, I'm not sure if this is what it's about, but I do know children are little horn dogs, you know? Well, I think there's a lot of – bring this up, actually. Like, when does hormones start to affect the way that children act and behave? Oh, dude, I remember when I was a kid now. And yeah, sorry if I made you feel, I shouldn't have been making you feel weird. No, no, no. I wasn't trying to make you feel weird. I think I just got scared. I didn't know.

51:30No, no, no, but you know there's more to the story. Oh, there is? So. Should we have more? We ride, she rides, she rides. We fun, we fun, we fun. Jellybean, jellybean city. The grassy, the grassy, the grassy. So then the parents get back. This bitch blows it immediately. She goes, we had jellybeans. I wrote the line. We watched the grassy. It was so much fun. And there, you know, my friend. And then my friend stays over. We have a little beer. We haven't seen each other in a long time. And the mom takes the kid home. And it's this awkward moment between me and my friend. He goes, because they have that staircase too.

52:01And he looks at me and goes, that staircase, didn't she? I go, yeah. He goes, yeah, that's a mom conversation. But see, then we talked about it. You also, as a parent, you have to be cool about this. Yeah. You know, like you can't, when you have a little girl like that, You can't be like, never, never touch the flower. Then it's going to be, then she's going to be banging prisoners when she's 20 years old. Cause she's like, oh, daddy said no flower touching. Yeah. I'm open up a florist down there by the correctional center or whatever. It's a florist center. It's a fucking forest down here now.

52:33God. So with kids, you know, it's always, there's a tender point, but that's, that's totally a mom to daughter conversation. Yeah. Of course. But it is interesting how you learn about sex, right? And what happens to you. This says perbity actually starts between age eight and 13 in girls and nine and 14 in boys. If it starts before age eight in girls or before age nine in boys, doctors often consider it early and worth checking out. But is it perbity that's starting or is it, um, because it is, I remember probably, maybe I was about seven or eight. And, uh, and I remember like just pressing things against my crotch.

53:10like even if i would just was like pressing these against my crotch felt good so i'd find like even if you were just walking by something and like you ever see a tree that has like one of those kind of butt like a little butt sticking out i've dated a few yeah so you've been to that forest before is what you're telling us but what i'm saying is this yeah i remember as a kid like sometimes my dad and i would go walk to church and i would just walk like Like we'd walk by this one tree and I remember him telling me at some point at one age or something, I just would walk over and just press my crotch against it.

53:44All I did as a kid was lay on the floor flat and just shove my little wheelie into the floor just to make it stimulate. Then I had a Pink Panther. Remember Detective Pink Panther? Oh, yeah. I had that as a toy, like a soft toy. And I would just like, f*** this Pink Panther. so much that even under my foreskin, I had pink hair. So I would f*** the shit out of this. Oh, God. Yeah, we would solve some crimes, and then you know what the award is. You solved another crime, Panther. Oh, and that exact toy. See, it's got a little pussy. It's got everything. It doesn't have a pussy, Ari. That's just its body.

54:19Yeah, but your imagination can add. What? It doesn't? No, you cannot. And I would f*** it so much. I still have it in my podcast studio in Estonia. It's like a story that I told in my old podcast in Estonia. and between the crotch, all the hairs are like gone now because I just, and she was a little whore, wasn't she? It's a man. She was a little whore, wasn't she? I would come home from school, I'd put Metallica on and just rail my Pink Panther. Every case got solved that night. What if you listen to that song, Alice in Chains, down and I hope. Pink Panther is a male. Well, you know, it's. Thank you.

54:54Let's say that one more time. You know who else I. For the people in the back, say it. You got to hear yourself say it. Gender is a spectrum. Let's see what it says here. Perplexity, help us out. Can you use perplexity? Let's get this real quick. See, see, see, see, see, see. Generally portrayed. Would you mind reading it for us? Non-gendered. The cartoon Pink Panther is generally portrayed as male. How did they put male as bold? Just to fuck with me. Like, hey, bro. They did. Yeah, I was banged. This toy, bah, bah, bah, bah. It was like, you know. Or were you banging them or do you think you were just rubbing?

55:36Right. But between the legs, I already knew enough. I already knew enough. That's where I got to put it, you know. Yeah. I had fun with this dirty slut, dude. That's not a dirty slut, dude. No, she was my little slut. Dude, that was Pink Panther or that's Heathcliff or that's, these are good people. These are Snoopy. These are good people. And then I'd even fuck this whore when I even got like a little girl, not like a girlfriend, you know, like you get a little kiss. So I had like breakup sex. Like once every two weeks, I still fuck the shit out of my fucking Pink Panther and then went back to my little girlfriend next door.

56:09Yeah. You're running shit, huh? I run that shit. She was a little slut, dude. Dear God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just didn't know that kind of stuff's going on in the third world or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We take for granted here that animals and different things like Mattel or these different companies. Bring up some different Mattel animals from the 80s and 90s if you can. Mattel? This was the company that made a lot of these stuffed animals. And I think we take for granted here in the United States that these animals get treated well, right? They get people. I treat her real well.

56:45Like popples. You ever see popples? Never. Okay, but okay. Well, Inspector. I had a potato. Okay, yeah. Some people... We had a long winter communism and a potato. We didn't have poppers. But here's what I'm saying. But I think we take for granted in America that stuffed animals here get... Like, they'll tuck them into bed and they'll, like, treat them well or get them a little glass of water. I didn't treat this bitch well at all. Yeah. This bitch got ran through, dude. Oh, my God. She was a dirty little woman. He was a man. She was a dirty little woman. He was a male cat. No, no, no, no. Dude, he was a male cat with pink skin.

57:19He was obviously going through a lot. And then what? Maybe like 10 years ago when me and my girlfriend were chilling at my place, we did a little role play and she dressed us. Because she didn't know the story from my old podcast. Oh, and for your birthday or something she did it? Yeah, she dressed as the Pink Panther. Oh, that's pretty. And I was the detective, Detective Closor. I can't remember his name. And I was like, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da. You're sucking my cock. It's great to see you having a good time in our country. When your uncle pulled up with a fresh raccoon to Thanksgiving and nobody questioned him.

58:03That's a power move right there. When your mom's friend stayed over just one night and now lives there and drinks up all your whole milk and wears your freaking pants sometimes. comes, that's also a power move. Just like how hiring Morgan and Morgan is a power move. Morgan and Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. Yep. Yep. They have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 1 ,000 lawyers. With over$30 billion recovered for over 500 ,000 clients, Morgan & Morgan has a proven track record, PTR, baby, proven track record, of fighting to get you full and fair compensation. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan.

58:54Their fee is free unless they win. Yep. For more information, go to forthepeople.com slash Theo or dial pound law. That's pound 529 from your cell phone. That's F-O-R The People.com Slash Theo Or pound law Pound 529 This is a paid advertisement This episode is sponsored by Better Help Better Help, baby Life God, life's a journey It's a dang Oregon Trail, isn't it? One day you got somebody's cough And somebody's got a Hematome or whatever Somebody, you know lost all their money or something threw it in a wishing well somebody's kids left them or something you know somebody life some days feel good some days feel overwhelming some days feel good some days you're standing in your yard and a balloon floats over to you and that's good you know some days you're sitting in your car at night hiding from your family and somebody come over and give you a little cut of casserole for no reason.

1:00:05That's God. Look, I'm talking about BetterHelp, guys. Whatever's keeping you up at night, it's easy to feel like you have to figure it all out on your own. And let me tell you, that is not the truth. Mental Health Awareness Month, it's on and popping. It's a good opportunity to check in with yourself. See where you're at. Be honest, too. How am I doing? BetterHelp. They're here. They can help. BetterHelp. Online therapists work according to a strict code of conduct. and they're fully licensed in the U.S. They do the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. That's what they do.

1:00:41What I'm saying is you don't have to be on this journey alone. Nope. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10 % off at betterhelp.com slash Theo. That's betterhelp.com slash Theo. Take me into Estonia a little bit though. like just like well let's talk about this like because we're talking about sex and being young um and so you're you're saying that like what is the conversation really like what is the real conversation you would have with the kid like how do you really do that with a kid do you think because obviously you and i grew up in a way where like we were figuring out ourselves like for me i i i realize now like i don't like talking about a lot of sexual stuff with my friends even because to me like sex was always like a secret thing like a private yes and it was secret i had to sneak and find the magazines and i had to do it in secret so like so my whole life i've always felt like like it's like it's not like scary but it's like a secretive thing it's like very like it's super secret that's good or no i don't think that it's good i don't think it's good either like my household had a single mother we had a stepdad at one point but my mom had a lot of boyfriends she would be uh you know in estonia we have sauna culture so everyone's naked everyone's naked well you have what culture sauna culture sauna sauna okay saunas yeah like Even as a little kid, I would sit, you know a sauna?

1:02:03It's got the lay, you know the steps? Yes. It's hotter up there. So kids would always be sitting in front of the feet of the adults. Got it. And even my mom's girlfriends would come over and I would be in the sauna with the ladies. I would sit in front and is like so far from my face. Like as a kid, I would look back, I'd laugh at it. They would laugh at it. Very close, a casual distance. Yes. And it's like, so being naked and sexuality, in my family at least, this is not the case for all Estonian families, but we also don't have any Christian guilt or none of that. You know, it's like a communistic thing, which has Christian values to some extent, some homophobia and some chauvinism, all that, you know, that comes with it.

1:02:46Yeah. But sexually wise, sin is not like included in it, you know. So there's no guilt really feeling sexual things. and in my house, yeah, my mom would have boyfriends. I would hear them have sex and my mom would be like, mommy needs her own little time. So you go hang out with the sister. I know that that means like, I didn't know what sex was, but I knew it's like that little grownup thing. Right. So you knew there was something grownup going on. So it did feel adult, but it didn't feel wrong. And then, you know, I would have like, even when I was like 14, 15, I started having little girlfriends over.

1:03:18My mom would like literally, dude, when I was like 15, my mom, this girl was like very shy. And we were watching Ice Age in my room. And then my mom would bring us cinnamon rolls. And then when she didn't look, my mom would give me like two condoms just in case. We didn't even fuck. I was like fully virgin. But she wanted you to just feel okay about it. She wanted me to feel okay. And I think that was very healthy. Like looking at other people my age who I've met and I talk about their childhood, about their sexuality. It seems like sex, exactly like you said, it's a thing in the shadows. And I think when you're a young, uh, like a, especially a young boy, I think it's really bad to hide those things and make you feel bad about having certain emotions that you can't really control.

1:04:06It's just hormones. That's a good point. Yeah. Some of you, that's the thing is that you can't control it. So it's like, then it makes you feel ashamed of part of you that you have scientifically, there is no way you can control. And you, and then what happens? Then you're 40 and you're in a dungeon with like a drill in your ass. Well, that's great. Because I got to let go because mommy said I'm a bad boy. That's what happens. Really? I mean, I guess. I don't know, dude. I was a good boy. I'm not going to have a drill up my ass. I'm going to treat a girl nice and then we're going to have sex. Yeah.

1:04:39Like two adults. Yeah, I think this is definitely a good time to learn about some of this because... Um, yeah. And now with porn, I mean, wow. Well, let me think about some of this. Let me think for a second. Because I like talking about this stuff because it's also important. Like a lot of people don't have some of these conversations, right? And they don't think about it. And parents don't know because like, I think it's interesting. Your mother would make you the cinnamon roll. So here's something it's like, you know, you're a good boy. You get the dessert. And I, you know, I care about you.

1:05:09There's something a mother making a treat, giving you an offering. But also here is something I want to let you know that I understand what's going on here. and that if there's something that I want you to be safe no matter what. So then it's like that's what a mother always wants for her child is the child to always to be safe. But I think the presentation of that is pretty interesting. What do you think? What do you really think? Because there are some Native American tribes where an uncle or even a father or brother will teach this younger sibling about masturbation, will literally go out with him into the woods and teach him how to jerk off.

1:05:44It's like my stepdad. I was already 17 and he's like, he's like saying like, when it gets hard, you know, you can watch videos and play around with it. That's okay. I'm like, okay, dude, stick a finger up your ass. I'll show you what's a good time. It's already too late, you know. Yeah. I'm ready. I got two toothbrushes hitting up my ass, brother. You know what I'm saying? We're partying, dude. Click this remote and see how I feel. I got a thing up my ass that makes me go, oh, yazoo. yeah dude click this remote and i'll run a fucking 5-2-40 brother click this remote bro that would be a great game show you have seven people somewhere right in a in like a quiet area right and one of them and you have to be like 40 feet away one of them has some sort of um remote activated sexual apparatus hidden in their um but the holy hole yeah the bud or whatever the 11th fingerprint some people call it right and uh so but you don't know who it is you only get to press it three times you have the offshore account as we call it yeah the offshore account like when you're a christian you can't fuck the holy hole but you can do the offshore yeah yeah like yeah or yeah yeah yeah the irs don't know about this one yeah we're talking about where let's just say where people do malaysian banking right that's that's what we'll call it so uh so anyway um but that's the game show you have seven people and you just get to look on their faces or whatever or you can ask them a question and while they're answering you could buzz but if you don't have the right person at the right time then you're gonna get the wrong person answering when you see a lot of people in a pool and you see that one guy pissing it's so clear you know this one yeah yeah that's fine is that okay to pee in a country or is it normal here?

1:07:32Or is it very similar? Every time I'm in water IP. Yeah. It feels so good. Yeah. It feels holy. Yeah. Yeah, I think getting that out early, it must be tough for a parent. Here's why I think it's tough, I bet. And I don't know. I'm not a parent. But I bet it is you just don't want to see your kid grow up that fast. 100. Nobody likes to see that. And it's probably such a special age where your kid isn't like, and it's a special age for young people too. It's like, dude, that's like the best year is probably where your Like your dad has like a new best friend. You guys do cool stuff together. You're like, he's your hero.

1:08:05And then somebody shows him some cooter or something. Or draws a picture of some pussy on a piece, you know, on the inside of a big oyster shell or something. And shows it to the boy. And then everything changes. Everything changes. Everything becomes about that. Yes. Yeah, but. So it must be tough for a dad. Must be tough. Maybe. I'm just thinking of why. And then looking at my friend with his daughter, you know, that's even tougher. Because I think - Oh, it's your angel. It's your angel. Because I think with boys, it's more expected. Like even with my mother, me being sexual, very accepted. My sister was a bit older and she was very protective of her.

1:08:44You know, mothers always love their sons. Dads always love their daughter. It's like a thing. You know, they always say it's like a thing. Mothers always are very tough on their daughters because they're a woman and they know how tough it is to be a woman. And you got to toughen these bitches up for the real world. Oh, you got to - Nobody touches your fucking flower. Yeah. You know? But as a boy - You got to fortify these bitches. But as a boy, fertilize the ground, you know? Right. Have fun. So it's like, so that's another thing with like girls. Because I remember that. I literally remember even my, like me being a little kid and like having girlfriends.

1:09:17And my mom would be like, that's cool. You know, my boy is cool. Yeah. My boy's having little girlfriends. He's the hot guy at school. He's the funny guy. That's cool. but if my sister would date that's like a oof like a girl so right yeah it's a total different energy yeah it's a total different energy man yeah I remember they had a gal who would like kind of rub Kleenexes on her like in her underpants whatever and then throw them off the balcony and let us grab them and catch them and stuff really almost like catching the bouquet at a wedding or something wow the Kleenex with the juices it wasn't juices but it was like it had enough of an ambiance where you want like I remember putting on cleats one time to catch it you know really so yeah or like activated sneakers kind of?

1:09:58I don't know if you guys have cleats in your country or not. One time I had a, we do have cleats. One time when I was a little boy, there was a girl that stayed over. She was like my mother's friend, old classmate's daughter maybe. She was like maybe 19. I was like 11 or 12 or something like that. She stayed over one night. and the next day I'm alone at home. And you know when you're alone as a boy at home, that's when the devil comes to visit, you know? Your crotch suddenly like shows up on the wall like a genie coming out of a lamp. Like, what are we going to do today, my boy? Everything in my house needs to get fucked.

1:10:40Yeah, what'd you say? Everything in my house needs to get fucked. Like I tried my cock everywhere, the couches, the pillows. So then I go up there. Oh my God. And this 19-year-old, I think it's like the pheromones and her cologne were on the bed. She had cologne on? She sounds... 19. I mean, I think so. I think it was cologne. Not cologne. Perfume. Oh, female. I didn't know it's... Perfume, sorry. Yeah, I didn't know it's... Okay. A smell. A really nice, pleasant smell. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. I go into the bed. I put the covers on. I take the pillow she slept on. I'm like forcing it on my face. I'm like jacking off.

1:11:20Dude, I remember this is... I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. this is supposed to be an interview about it being from estonia yeah here we go dude but dude i remember i would hide in my buddies at their house i would hide like his mother was like this sweet she was like just like a good or she just like i don't know but she was attractive to and like there was like you know there's that energy we attracted your buddy one of your buddy's mom there's something you keep going over to his house you don't even like you'll sleep i don't even like the game you're playing yeah yeah dude yeah and i would i would instead of sleeping in in the room with him, like we would build like a four or something, I would go sleep like in the hall by her, like by their door and shit.

1:11:56Like just weird shit. Weird shit. But still legal stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I remember I'd get in the clothes hamper and just like, she had like one of her bras was in there. Oh. And I don't know if it was still warm, but I thought it was. It was. And I would just smell it, like put it close to my fucking, like I just wanted to push it all the way into my nose forever. That's what I did with the pillow. I just wanted to fucking shove it down my DNA. Yeah. Yeah, I know, yeah. I wrote a love letter to my friend's mother, by the way. No way, bro. Yes. You need to be - I got out of hand. You got it, yeah.

1:12:28It got really bad. And somebody should be watching you. Yes. Still to this day. That's a lot, dude. Did you give it to her? Yes. No. And she never addressed it. Because it's so weird. But it wasn't anything insidious. That's called unrequited love. Bring up unrequited love. It wasn't anything insidious. I've read about this before. Hold on. What is unrequited? That's what I'm saying. I want to help you get to the, just not to the solution. Like I have no unrequited love is one sided romantic attraction where feelings are not reciprocated, often causing profound emotional distress, including loneliness, low self-esteem and anxiety.

1:13:03It commonly stems from idealized fantasies, unreturned crushes or unbalanced relationships with roughly 98 % of people experiencing it. Wow. So you're not alone. You're not alone. I'm not alone, dude. Well, how often does unrequited love lead to crime? Can you look that up? And then what were you going to say? That's what I was also thinking. Unrecruited love is a very comic. Stalking, violence, and murder. Awesome. There you go. Yep. There you go right there. The actions can be severe, including stalking, violence, and murder. But I was a little boy, so she was stronger than me. But also three options.

1:13:33Stalking, violence, and murder. It's not like it's just like include murder. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Because stalking, it's wrong. But it's. well even the the mother I wrote that letter to when I was when I was walking home when I was going home from school I would take a longer route just to go by her house oh yeah and maybe catch a titty I never did but I gave the universe a chance to give me a sign just to see something just to see something because that's that's also like I mean we had porn but this was you gotta like download a fucking image and it was hard it was like right there you had to pray for it Yeah, so to see a titty, I need an intervention by God.

1:14:16Right. Yeah. Oh, man. Then I found a magazine. You ever find like a magazine in the woods, you know, the classic, when there's porn in the woods or something? Yes. It was during winter. Who hid it there, do you think? They always hide. I don't get it at all. Because somebody hid porn in every woods. I think - Everywhere. It could have been Israel, I think. If somebody hid it in every woods - It's Israel. It's like the pagers. It's like the pagers. It's the pagers that - You corrupt young men. You corrupt the future army you're about to fight by showing them a huge horse cock going into a pregnant lady.

1:14:47Because they all jerk off and then the army's weaker. It's not a bad strategy. Well, you know, that's what happened with Ukraine and Russia because Russia deployed a lot of North Korean soldiers. And now they're first time having internet access. You know, they're like not fighting. All they're doing is drinking and jacking off. Nuh-uh. Yeah, because it's like, imagine you're seeing porn for the first time. I can jack off by myself. Wow. And you see like VR porn. What are you saying, Koreans are jacking off? Yeah, North Koreans, because they had no internet now. They're deployed. It's like a huge thing.

1:15:20I mean, it's Pandora's box. And then I found this magazine, and one time I found, it was during wintertime, it was under ice, because it was so frozen. It's almost like ice fishing. You ever been ice fishing? Yeah. And then I had to get a pic and to like, it took me hours with my hands freezing to access these titties. Oh, it's like the new Frankenstein with Jacob Belorti. Have you seen the beginning of that? exactly so clung clung I get a big block of ice under the magazine out I put it in towels near my near my what's that on the wall radiator radiator near the radiator it took me like days for it to dry off water was everywhere and then it dried off and I had to peel I got only one page open because it was all fucked up but it took me like I was like a detective it took me like days to see and it was all fucked up except these two big round titties so I cut the titties out and kept them in my fucking Batman wallet for years and i would show other guys at school i'd be like check out this and show these two ominous titties i love that yeah like wolves eyes and the first porn video i ever saw it was gay porn i just didn't know wow it was like so low pixels i just saw cock going into an orifice and then like it took me like minutes to realize there's another cock hanging near the orifice it broke my heart.

1:16:37And the guy who was banging doing that porn he's an Estonian guy. I met him like 20 years later. No way. Did you tell him it hurt your feelings? Yeah. I told him I really I said I thought you were banging a chick. And he goes this is my friend Marcos. Oh. They're friends huh? Yeah. Yeah you wonder if people are friends in some of those videos sometimes. See the whole fucking North Korean soldiers hooked on porn after getting internet access for first time while helping Russia fight Ukraine. North Korean military men who joined the war front in Ukraine on behalf of Russia have unfettered. Why would, first of all, look up this up separately.

1:17:10Keep me on this page. Unfettered? Why would North Korean men be supporting the Russian side in this war? Communism. Because they're also communistic. Oh, so they're supporting. And they have common interests. Everyone's against North Korea except, so Russia's seeking for partners. Got it. North Korean military men who joined the war front in Ukraine on behalf of Russia have unfettered internet access for the first time. and may be using it to watch tons of pornography. That's the kind of sentence. That's why I don't trust the media. And may be using it, might be, to watch tons of pornography. You know what I'm saying?

1:17:44Yeah. Give me one side of the net, right? Yeah. According to a report that a Pentagon official was unable to confirm. So, yeah, okay. So I'm not saying that it's not true. I know. Just the way they shape. If you look at the way they shape articles and stuff. Oh, yeah. According to a report that a Pentagon official was unable to confirm. Warriors from the Hermit Kingdom engaged in a battle in Ukraine for the first time Monday, but they purportedly started fighting different demons before stepping foot onto any field, according to a report. Does it say what their favorite searches were? There's a joke up there.

1:18:16They go, hardened soldiers indeed. A usually reliable source tells me the North Korean soldiers who have deployed to Russia have never had unfettered access to the Internet before. As a result, they're gorging on pornography. Someone's telling you to hold the front line, but you're seeing everything you've ever dreamed of for the first time. I'm staying at the base, brother. I mean, we can give up a little land. Yeah, yeah. We can give up a little land. If we give up a couple hundred more acres, you know, just so I can get through a couple of more of these categories that I'm really curious about.

1:18:53Dude, uh. When I did the youth exchange program in Romania when I was a kid, Hold on a second. I just don't know how many stories I could take where somebody ends up jacking off all over at the end of it. Just you. I'm not judging you. I just have to fucking brace myself for just a second, dude. Let me touch my fucking neck for a second. Release the cranium. Hell no. Imagine you start doing that on a plane, dude. Hold on a second. I got to release my cranium. You put a fucking balloon up your nose, dude. People are getting weird out there, dude. You know when someone's like stretching at the airport, it's like too much.

1:19:31You know when they're on the ground and they're doing their little things? Oh, yeah. Just take your bad hip. Just be a man. I'm uncomfortable. Dude, I want to do squats too, but I'm not going to. Just get your fucking bad ankle to Minneapolis, brother. Dude, but here's a dream I had is one day if I had a long enough layover, I wanted to go for a jog like in the Atlanta airport or the Madrid airport I think is really, really big. Uh-huh. And you want to go jog? because you could jog because in the Madrid airport, it's like - Giants. You could do like a two-mile run in it. So I just wanted to go for like a run.

1:20:07Like say if you had a long enough layover, you're trying to kill time, but you also want to get some exercise because you can cruise. Like if you're running late for your plane, you're welcome to do that all day. For sure. So I'm like, if you just had your headphones on and you just popped on - Shadow boxing. Yeah, just popped on some shorts. Why not go for a run? Yeah. That's always been a dream of mine ever since I was young. To run in an airport. To run, but to go for a run in an airport. I think it's to do something someplace that seems obtuse, you know? But I just want to make sure that we get to the end of this thought of like, so did we cover fully?

1:20:39So as a mother, I think, or as any parent, it's just to create a comfortable way to have that conversation and keep it ongoing so that it can be there's room for it to breathe. Like, yeah, I think if it's taboo or if you don't talk about it at all, then it feels like something's wrong. Exactly. Or it's scary. Or then you just learn. This is another thing I just realized. Your friends tell you, and it's always some evil older brother that's like calling you a f***ing egg or whatever. And just are doing this in front of you like this. You know? It's like too much. It's gross. And that kid probably learned from some dark, dark way, right?

1:21:14Yeah. So I think like, like, yeah, but then here's what happens is you learn from a kid, you learn from some like, and then, and then you become like, oh, I need to do certain things or I need to operate certain ways or make sure that I'm like trying to like engage with sex or something so that other people, my peers will think it's cool, right? Well, the only reason I wanted to lose my virginity was because all my friends had lost their virginity. It's not even, remember how much you wanted to have sex? Like in your DNA, you feel it. But then when the opportunity, how scared you were. Dude, I was literally, I was so terrified.

1:21:51It's crazy. And also my girlfriend, when we decided to do it, I had already lied that I've done it. So I had to pretend like I've been here before. And what'd you do to pretend? Just stand up straighter or whatever? Well, I didn't even know, you know, like, she has angles. to even get my cock into her sweet little angel hole. It took me several tries. I had to try several times. And of course. Yeah, it's like trying keys on a door. You're like, oh, that one's not it. Exactly. That one goes to that other place. They never explained that in porn. You don't know that. Yeah. And it took so long. Yeah, I had to like, and I came within like, maybe it was like two seconds or something.

1:22:31And then you just got to lie. You know, I told her like, ah, it's my like third time. So, you know, I'm still pretty new. Oh, dude, I lost my virginity behind a bowling alley in our town. Really? That they're refurbishing now. So I'm glad that they're doing that. Wait, but in what room? The toilet? No, no, no. Behind it. Outside. Yeah. In the woods. What? Yeah. Yeah. No, it was, it was sex, but it was, yeah. I lost my virginity behind his bowling alley. Bring it up over there. Tiffany Lane's over there. Oh, you've talked about this. Theo dusted off his little wand and got his weasel grease for the first time here.

1:23:07That means these lanes are well on and the ambience are well done. Pretty cool, huh? Oh, here it is right there. I hate to see that it's closed. Good place if you came early like Theo. I know his girl didn't like that he came so early, but that just makes him an alpha. Let's go. Let's go. Thank you, Nicholas F. Wow, it's all Theo. It's all Theo, dude. What? I had no idea, dude. Dude, you took this business down probably. Now there's all these little kids trying to get their dick wet, and they're not even interested in the lanes. This bowling alley owner must be so... His mind must be like, the fuck's been happening in the last four years?

1:23:38Why is everybody behind the building? Nobody wants to use the lanes anymore. Places full of rich history. Theo Von became a man behind this alley. Shout out to the patrons for giving him the strength to do so. Amen to that. I'm here because of Theo Von who lost something precious at this bowling alley so long ago. Any good place for Theo is good enough for me. Oh, that's nice of you. Thank you, my man Wheezy. Again, Theo. It's all Theo. It's literally all Theo. I didn't know. Sorry. Yeah. But anyway, thank you guys for some of the warm sentiment. And yeah, just a beautiful place. And they are reopening it soon.

1:24:08So I am excited about that. You should go to the reopening. Go to the ribbon cutting. You should go to the reopening. Dude, are we even going to mess this place up by even talking about this on here? No, they're totally fucked now. But it closed there. When did it close? But they ran over to 2 million renovation. Getting a new bowling alley. you know what? I should have reopened it. Yeah. There's the spot. Dang. Yeah. But still, I hope that people practice, you know what I'm saying? Bumper bowling, if they do around there. Just safe activity. But what would you, if you're a dad, what do you think you say to your son?

1:24:47Like, really? Like, what do you really say to your son if you think you like, and when do you think you would do it? Like, I'm trying to think, if I'd have had a dad around that was going to communicate like that, what would I have, what would I have liked to, Like, it's probably like around 11 or 12. Yeah, well, you see it way before that probably, you know, the little wheelie. Like, did you show your little cock everywhere when you were a kid? No. Like, did you show it? I showed it to everybody. I had to. Really? It felt so good. And people would laugh and feel good. Like, my mom would have her girlfriends over.

1:25:17They would drink wine. And I would do this thing where I would slide, like, you know, they're, like, on the couches in the living room. And I would slide on my socks. and I had these gray sweatpants with a little hole in front of it. I put my little willy for it. Oh, wow. I played the guitar like this. And then run back in my room. I mean, dying laughing. They were like. Right. But then I did it so much that eventually my mom was like, you know, that's not. Right. You're like, you're 30 now. You got to. Yeah. You're still sliding out there. So I would do stuff like that. Like. I would love that.

1:25:46That's like funny. Oh, yeah. I think it's definitely funny. This perplexity says the best approach to make it ongoing, calm conversation, not one big talk. yeah yeah that's i guess that's true oh dude i remember i've talked about this before but my uncle was like my uncle or i don't know if he was our uncle but he was like a guy that somebody was making love to that had a car right and so he would bring us to the wine stop the wine store and he left me in there one time he was going to do something so i'm wandering around in there and some lady walks up she's like have you seen my kitty and i didn't know what she was talking about And I was probably, I think I was maybe 12.

1:26:24And then she opens her jacket and she was naked. No. Yeah. Wait, why would she be an angel like that? I don't know why, but I didn't know what was going on. I just remember being like very turned on. Fully naked, bush. Fully naked. I don't know if I remember it was bush or whatever. I mean, everything was zen. I remember that, dude. But it was just kind of crazy, you know? Must be for real. Now I can feel. It was nice, dude. But I just, it was like a, I remember that that happened. But I think my uncle had said something after that He maybe He asked me a couple questions about it But I think it's just like Did he make her do it maybe?

1:26:58No he did not Oh that would have been crazy No he didn't have any game like that I had my girlfriend show her tits to like a young kid one time Oh wow Just cause to blow his fucking mind Fuck yeah That's fucking kind of Yeah It's fucked up but it's cool Big ass titties And this kid was like Those fucking yams huh Yeah Dude I'll tell you this One time at um At YMCA summer camp Shout out YMCA best summer camps in the world I'll say that, facts they had, we would go to this park called Fountain Blow State Park and it was in Louisiana bring it up over there, Fountain Blow let me guess, the reviews are all feel no, nobody knows about this, dude nobody knows about this but it was like raining one day and we sat there and they had this guy named Eddie and he was pretty cool Fountain Blow just look at the pictures of it, yep, that's it it's very pretty it's very pretty, very beautiful place but like, everybody was bored because it was raining and so you got to walk up and look down like his girlfriend's shirt one time.

1:27:53One time. That's all you need. And I just remember I walked up and looked and then I was like, oh, I didn't get to see it. I said that. Like I just made it up or whatever. And they let me go one more time. They disrespected the, you know. But I don't know if it was so powerful that I actually couldn't see it. Like you blanked. Right. Like it just, you staring into something, you know, just like. I do want to learn a little bit about what brought you here from Estonia to the USA? Like, why did you come? Well, stand-up, of course. Okay, so you were doing stand-up there. I was doing it in Estonia.

1:28:26Where? Estonia in the capital, Tallinn. I did it in Australia, Melbourne. I did it in Bangkok for a year. I was the feature on the road in Asia with a lot of guys. I met Ari Shafir that way. I met Sam Talent in Estonia because he came through. I did it in Canada, Vancouver. He came to Estonia? Yeah, I invited him, yeah. I put some gigs up for him. It was awesome. So were you running your own show there? Yeah, yeah. We have like our own comedy club. Okay. Me and my friends, like eight of us basically own. And it's still active? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. Absolutely. Summer tour, they're all killing it.

1:28:58How big is Talon? 600 ,000, I think. That's big. Yeah, it's pretty big. How big is Estonia? 1.4. But, you know, when you say 1.4 population, what is it really? Like actually online voting people who know what's happening in the world, maybe 60 ,000. 60 ,000. You know, it's like when you say, how much is in America? It's like a big number, right? Right. Yeah, but how much of those people are actually consumers, and they go to shows, they go to, like, online people? I see what you're saying. Right, like America, I think the population now, what is the population now? I bet it's about 350 million.

1:29:32That's crazy. Wow. The U.S. population is approximately 342 to 349 million. But, yeah, what percent are, like, kind of tapped in? So out of those 350 million, I reckon, actual people, it's maybe 3 million. Right? A lot of bots. A lot of bots, a lot of NPCs. I think that could be right. Did you, the people there, is comedy different there? Would they get our comedy? What is humor like there? Well, you see, that's why standup had such an explosion as well, is that the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991. That's when Estonia became a country. Again, we were a country in the 40s before Soviet Union rocked around.

1:30:15and we were Soviet Union basically all the time. You know, Estonians get really offended when you call us Russian, you know, because we're like Estonian, but it's a very they-them behavior, you know. It's like you were Mike last week, you know. It's like most of our history, we've been Russia, so I don't get offended when people say that, but it's a thing we have. So there's a lot of pride in Estonia right now for being Estonian. We have our own language, everything, you know. Wow. It's a beautiful place. It is. You would, because you seem like a guy, America's very loud. It's loud. It's a lot.

1:30:46The highways are loud. There's a lot of pollution. It's loud. It's a lot. I agree. That's why you guys are also like culturally like the leaders because there's a lot of tension and a lot of push and pull. A lot of push and pull creates beautiful art. A lot of tension creates beautiful art. So that's why you guys do that. But Estonia, very serene, calm, sauna, the sea, the ocean, quiet, space, space. We love space. We love quiet. It's not a lot of people. So when the Soviet Union collapses, with like rap, music, culture, movies, stand-up comedy, the more, you know, to control, what communism does really well when it works is to control people, you control their subconscious, their mind.

1:31:35So that's why there was all this, you can't speak bad about the government. There's all this censorship. Right. You can't say bad words, no sexual stuff. You have to keep people subconscious, subdued to control them, just like they're doing now in North Korea. That's what you have to do. Well, just like even that's happening now here, I think in America, is like, you know, they're like the way that they sedate us with certain like things you can and can't say online, that sort of thing. No, that's what you do. But the more tension creates, the bigger the release when you get to say it. like that's how stand-up started in america so much tension with the government racial tensions everything and then a guy named lenny bruce starts riffing with a cigarette in his mouth and starts saying crazy shit and people go into this room like holy fuck this is where you can talk off the record this is how i talk with my friends when the government isn't listening you know that's why communist so that's that's how it you know like that's how whispering started even exactly and And literature back in the day, why Russian literature is so beautiful, it's because it's out of all this poverty and you have to speak through the flowers.

1:32:45That means I can't say fuck the government, but I can say it in a different way. That's why, you know. So parameters, like having parameters also create beautiful art. And then when the Soviet Union collapse, all the floodgates are open. We get South Park, Chappelle's Show, Knight Rider, MacGyver, Grey's Anatomy, Felicity, Friends. It's all like coming into our consciousness. And then me and another friend, Sander, and another group of guys, the comedy Estonia guys used to be on our organization back in the days. We were the first generation of comedians. so now we're the first adults talking about stuff that American entertainment talks about potty mouth stuff so they didn't have it before not at all so you didn't when you were a kid they didn't have like an Estonian comedian we had comedic influences but it's all controlled by the fucking it's all mainstream it's all good evening ladies and gentlemen nobody like Big Bird or something yeah yeah like Tonight Show Johnny Carter like stuff like that it's not so then when we started we were like first ones at the well you know the first ones at the well of creativity now that there's no lines the internet keeps everything open so it was a big explosion open mics would have hundreds of people in Estonia?

1:34:07yeah open mics literally people squeezing in just to see this new art form so it was a beautiful explosion it's like fucking the Beatles shit you know yeah so it was amazing for us you know dude that's so cool it's so incredible the first hours of material let's be honest they're not the most original just because as I said we're the first ones at the well I just got the first cup of water no one's ever made an airplane joke I'm gonna do a fucking 12 minute closer that would be so hacky here but it's the first time anyone's talked about this yeah wow dude that's so wild yeah there is something that's so thankful about like let me say something that's why I think we're in a spot now where comedians sometimes are the people that are the only ones and the few podcasters that are saying something that's like not the mainstream narrative well exactly and that's how that's how podcasts basically took over the media it's just because that the more you subdue the subconsciousness the bigger the release what's that movie this movie is great if you've ever seen it it was the movie titanic huh titanic titanic so good huh it's a great they had it in your country Late, but I had it.

1:35:20God. I think we're getting Avatar next year, so I'm very excited about that. Dude, yeah. I remember being in Vietnam and they had just gotten Stand By Me when I was over there. Wow. And they were fucking crazy. You had all these Vietnamese people dressing up like the characters from Stand By Me and singing that song. When the night it come, the land is gone. We all dressed up as Blade when we got Blade. Remember Blade? Oh, yeah. Dude, everybody had sunglasses and a leather suit. If you go to a nightclub, it was the bouncer was Blade. The guy getting him was Blade. It was Blade IDing Blade. It was everyone was fucking.

1:35:58Dude, leather sales skyrocketed. I reckon the leather industry in Italy was like, man, what's happening in Estonia? Blade was huge. This was me. This was all of Estonia for like three years. And do they have a lot of black people in Estonia? Three. Good. Yeah. And how's that been? If we interviewed them, what would they say? Do you think it's been good? Yeah. Okay. So it's been hit or miss. It's been hit or miss. It's been hit or miss for sure. But I would say Estonians, Eastern Europeans, Northern Europeans, you know, it's not. See, racism is embedded in you having a preconceived notion about a certain group of people.

1:36:45And I would say living in America, it probably gets validated in an echo chamber. If you grow up in a white neighborhood and it's a racist neighborhood, you're going to have this notion and then you're going to grow up and understand, okay, that was just my childhood. In Estonia, if you don't really have black people around, the racism is kind of, it's firing into darkness. Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying. Yeah. I'll be in Canada and I'll see like black people in some Canadian places. and it doesn't feel like there's any of the tension and weird shit that there is in America. And I'm not saying that they're, it feel, it's so fucking different.

1:37:24You're like, oh, this is how things are supposed to be. And they also keep like repeating this same narrative in America. Like it's getting beat. It's gotten like, it's like, we should be able to, I think at some point start to move past some of this stuff. It's like, what are we still doing? I know. Yeah, exactly. You know what I'm saying? If I'm still chewing a piece of gum from fucking 150 years ago, and there's a taste in my mouth after a while, it's because at a certain point, you got to, you know, somebody - You got to let that gum go. Yeah, just get, you know, yeah, take part of it out of your mouth, you know, or give it a little bit of a rest sometimes.

1:37:57Yeah. But there's some people that just want to chew like some of the same gum. And maybe that's messed up for me to say, but I just, it blew my mind when I was in Canada and I was like, oh, there's not this racial tension here at all. yeah and absolutely there's people who are you know it's it's racism due to ignorance is one thing you know yeah and totally i'm not saying that doesn't exist but and and it's like you know estonians we draw band bombs but it doesn't have the history you have here you know like we have we we don't even say black people we just drop the word but but you guys have you know you guys like we don't have the word you have.

1:38:37Right. We say like Negro, which you guys say too, and it's not a good word, you know? Right. Well, especially being from the South, some of the, it's like, yeah, it's all like, I agree, there's such a history with it, like certain terms here that you don't want it, like it's not cool. Exactly. So, but there's none of that weight attached to that word. So, if a white guy will be drunk and yell it at a black guy, it's just because he's a fucking baboon brain. But there's no deep conceived fucking hatred behind it. Right. But if a white guy gets drunk and yells at a black guy, that's fucking kind of racist.

1:39:09No, it's racist. The action is racist for sure. But what I'm trying to say is he makes it out of ignorance. It's not, there's no like, Right. you know, and it's like... But yeah, I think our media over time kind of perpetuates it or wants to keep that flame burning because it also keeps a lot of fucking anger in certain communities. Unity has zero dollars in it. Division has the bank. Amen. There's no reason for people to get along. There's no money in us having an open conversation and being happy with our lives. There's no money in that. Think about that. I fucking hate your ass, and I need to be better than you, and you want to be better than me.

1:39:48That creates revenue. Yeah. Yeah, there's no revenue in peace. Man. Yeah.

1:39:59It's interesting. It's sad. It's a lot. I'd love to talk more. We both have to go to the airport. We have to go to the airport. So people know that. Are you excited to travel, like, to see places like Estonia or no? Oh, dude, yes. What would you think about that? Oh, I would love to go there, man. Like, I love to travel so much. And then I, like, I mean, I hate to say this, but it's like, you know, I got into podcasting and then it's a lot. It's a lot. And also, like, work started going really good. And then, like, that's a lot. And so it's all been like gifts, but, um, yeah. And the next like year or two, I would, I wouldn't mind maybe falling in love or something and going traveling or just going and traveling.

1:40:39It'd be nice to have like somebody to do like, you know, you get those things that you do with my mom wanted to go to Italy. Um, I think I might try to take her there. So I have to bring it up to her and see if she wants to go do that. But dude, yeah, I want to go see some more places. I've been fortunate to see some places. Um, but I would love to get to go see some more. Like that semester at sea trip was like the first time i ever like got like i remember we pulled like we docked in like south africa wow and dude it would be crazy bro like because you were just i didn't know anybody on this ship i remember and everybody's families were there like waving and had poster board and shit i'm like and i and i just started waving like strangers grandmother and shit because i like i don't know if i told my family that i was going so i'm just fucking this ship is leaving port and it's just like and i'm just like where are we going and we sailed for like 14 days and then we get to japan right so we're from vancouver to japan and um and that was crazy and even when i got into vancouver i'd never been there i went hitchhiking to go up to whistler some dude picked me up this dude his name was mike michael something he was the caretaker for Christopher Reeves, who was Superman.

1:41:50Yeah. After Chris Reeves got hurt, he was his caretaker. So I got to ride and listen to all these crazy stories about what it was like, like taking care of Superman, which was just fucking crazy. Like, and shit like that. That was before they had cell phones, like shit. Like you just like, I don't know, things were so much more possible and like unique and like everything felt like an adventure then. Um, but, but that whole ship experience was really great. And, uh, and we got to go to different places, but I remember we got to South Africa and I got off and I was like, oh my God, like, like there's like other people are like living in different places.

1:42:25Like it just, it's hard to conceptualize things until you go places. For sure. And I would say as much as I've met Americans throughout my life and now living here, I would say there's something about Americans that it gets put into a lot of your heads that everywhere else is really dangerous and not good. Like, it's like you're not safe there. And I don't know if it's like capitalism and consumerism trying to put this thing like stay put, take alone, you know, this is America. Like, of course, America, number one, we love it. Patriotism is beautiful. Absolutely. But, you know, the rest of the world ain't that bad.

1:43:07No. Oh, it's getting better all the time now. I mean, I think America, especially with the leadership we have now, with the way that we're supporting crimes around the world, with a lot that's been revealed. Like, I love this country. I respect the people that have stood up and fought for it. Absolutely. Especially with our jobs. Like, freedom of speech, if people didn't die for that job, we don't have a job here. Absolutely. You know, we don't even have a job market. And then there's other bigger entities now that are trying to, like, curtail that and, like, these big, you know, like tech companies are trying to limit what you can say.

1:43:38Like, I think America's in a really, really interesting spot where we need patriots like more than ever. And I don't know how we become those. And I don't know also how we fight against the evil that's going on. And the algorithm listens more than the people, you know. Say that again? The algorithm listens more than the people. So what you hear is often wise, dictated. the algorithm makes a decision what you're consuming and that's wild that's exactly the opposite of the internet what it was created for because any opinion any opinion that the algorithm wants you to have it will make you have it you know it's scary it's very scary it's not a human like I totally get it we say an offensive word here and another person who's maybe a revenue stream or a company that sponsors your podcast Maybe they don't like the word that we use, the slur.

1:44:36And that's a human making that decision. That's a board meeting. It's not my personal preference of a decision, but at least you can validate it to me, to a person. An algorithm deciding, like, between you and a consumer, there's an algorithm, and that decides if that content gets to the consumer, that's not free speech. That's an orchestrated version of free speech. and that can even be more dangerous than just saying you can't say it, you know. Yeah, I mean, and it's fascinating and a lot of people, we don't even realize it's going on and we don't realize that. Have you ever looked at another person's feed?

1:45:13How different is it? How's that possible, you know? Are we both living in this country having the same issues, you know? How are me and you living in the same country paying taxes for the same government and you get a totally different news feed because the algorithm knows, you know. Yeah, this is what he needs or this is what he doesn't need. Isn't it creepy that, you know, when you scroll, you know, I spoke to a guy who's a programmer. He's from Sweden. And he told me they developed this back in the day. He used to work for Spotify. He's a big programmer guy. He sells these patents. And he said that one of the biggest things they've done is, you know, when you're scrolling, if you like a post, that's one thing.

1:45:54But you know what's more valuable for the algorithm? When you scroll past, you stop. you don't like it and you keep scrolling that's more points for the algorithm because he and the algorithm understands oh this is something you don't want to show other people you like but you love this shit don't you so it knows you better than you dude and it's like that's it's like temptation it's like and we don't realize when those things come on that you have to fight against that man like if you really want to have discernment like there's never a better time when we realize that people are fighting for your attention, right?

1:46:30Because what you absorb and then you believe you're going to, that's what's going to influence your children. And it's like, we are at a crucial time. Attention is money and time. And there's one thing you can't get back is time. And if you can control what people spend their time on, their attention, you control a whole narrative of history now, you know? I mean, it's a, it's a, it's basically, it's a communism. It is for sure. I mean, it is. Yeah, absolutely. You're controlling me. You know, you're making me feel emotions about a certain topic that wasn't even entering my brain. It was a beautiful day and a nice flower.

1:47:04And now I see this thing on my feet and now I'm upset about something that has nothing to do with me. Yeah. And now that I'm upset, I'll resort to things that these are things that sneak into people's lives. For me, these are, sorry, I don't want to preach. These are things that sneak into my life when I'm angry. I'll eat something I don't want to eat because I'm just frustrated I'll act out like I'll like maybe try and hit up some girl that I'm not really interested in bullshit masturbate watching porno just different things once you're agitated they got you because then you're then you're going to go buy some other addictive thing and it's just like ugh yeah everything negative has money in it no one's making money when they're contempt yeah you know and it's like but America is of course beautiful Of course.

1:47:50And it was founded on the fact of free speech and alternative thinking. That's why stand-up is thriving. And the reason I moved here is because I want to practice. I want to see how far the rabbit hole of my own mind on stage goes. And the only place to do that basically is America because the level of comedians is so high here. Because you have generations of free speech and it's beautiful. And it's important to continue doing that. and dude and I'll say this man you've done like yeah I got to watch you I think we did some shows there last month or something it was really great man I mean I love seeing your clips your shit is so funny you're so funny too thank you bro for just all the entertainment I appreciate it and everywhere is beautiful in the world you know like even my friend you know what I got recently I met an old Iranian wrestler back in the day I was working in a nightclub in Melbourne he was a bouncer Iranian they love wrestling they're so homophobic but their history The Iron Sheik, wasn't he an Iranian wrestler?

1:48:49Oh, yeah, they love. Sheiky. Yeah, they love wrestling. This guy just randomly reached out to me on a message. He was like, hey, I heard you on a podcast. Glad to see you're doing so well. You always used to be funny. I'm happy you found your lane. And he's in Iran. He's in Iran. So I go, yeah, thanks, man. You good? And he sends me a picture. He's getting an operal spritz with bitches on the beach. And he's like, no, I'm not where the war is at. And those things always show me, you know, everywhere in the world, there's a guy chilling somewhere, having a little cocktail or a fresh squeeze orange juice, staring at us and trying to be happy in his own life.

1:49:31And whatever they tell, of course, there's war and atrocities. Absolutely. That's happening. That's confirmed. But don't forget, a lot of people are happy everywhere in the world. Yeah. Don't forget to be alive. I mean, yeah, it's easy to get stuck into the things that are negative. It's easy to get stuck. Because I'm like, are you good, dong? And he's like, no, what are you saying? I'm chilling. I got my parents. I got these bitches. They're showing me beautiful ladies on the beach. I just dropped my parents off somewhere at a museum. I'm fucking great. Yeah. Yeah, I'm leaving them there for four hours.

1:50:01They think I'm coming to get them in three. There's a great falafel truck here. It's a beautiful day. What are you crying about? I'm great, man. What was that last thing we were going through? There was one kind of closing piece I wanted to have about it. wait can I take a picture with my camera of you for sure it's just it's gonna be a funny picture I just like this camera damn and you know okay sorry about that it's an old camera and you know Theo you're so funny and it looks new that camera no it's old as fuck and you know you're so funny that it's it's crazy that you know I saw you as a kid on Real World you know that really road rules road rules they had in your country MTV wasn't it MTV right yeah Yeah, and I remember when I met you, I was like, man, I know this guy has Theo on the comedian, but how the fuck?

1:50:50It took me weeks to figure it out, and I used to watch all that shit. Did you? It's funny, yeah. Wow, it's funny that they had it over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's interesting, dude. And it's great that you have this incredible podcast. I mean, you've had the president on, and it's great that you're just expanding the common mainstream media by just being a dude who talks to people. It's great, you know. Well, thanks, man. I appreciate that. I've had the president on. I've had Ari Matty on, too. And it's an honor. It's an honor. And the first Estonian that I know. So really cool. And, yeah, I would love to be welcome in your country someday.

1:51:23I mean, I know I am welcome there, but I would love to go there sometime and visit in your home country. And, yeah, dude, we got to get to catch up a little bit more. And, yeah, thank you for your time. Congrats on all your success. You have dates coming up. I know it says Comedy on State. It's, yeah, it's A-R-I-M-A-T-T-I dot com. That's on my dates. I keep adding them all the time. I'm on tour. please come see me let's have some fun I love you guys so much Matt have you been to La Jolla Comedy Store? Never That was my favorite I'm shooting a special there You are? Let's go I'll never but I heard it was so beautiful It's just perfect It's like there's no bullshit in there They got Louie running on the piano over there if he's in there let him cook in the beginning Let him cook He keeps just the energy in there and they don't play rap music to me and they play piano right which I like because it sets the tone that what you're gonna see here sure it might be messed up but it's art, right?

1:52:12It's art. Whereas if you're just like bumping some Lil Wayne or something, which is still great, it just gives a different energy, right? Yeah. So I love that they do that there and yeah, it's just like it's a pure thing. There's not, like they got popcorn and stuff. They're not selling people fucking creme brulees or whatever or a little fucking leg of ramen or whatever. And California people, I have, you know who I really love? I love Floridians and I love California people. But California people, they know exactly what I mean. I don't mean LA. Yeah. I'm in California, San Diego, Orange County, all that shit.

1:52:45They're fun people. They're the best, dude. There's no better place to be on stage. And the ocean's right there, bro. I'm a big ocean guy, and that's what I really, it hurts me in Austin to live. I love Austin, but I'm a big ocean guy. You know what? If they could fucking get a little bit of the ocean somehow, Rogan's got money. Ask him. Get us an ocean, Rogan. Yeah. I bet he could do something. Yeah, yeah. He could text somebody. You gotta text somebody Elon could get Straight of something To pull in there Every time the security line Is too long at the airport I always text Joe I go Where's the airport?

1:53:18Yeah Help us out This is a mothership airport He could freaking Buy Spirit Airlines Somebody said he might do it Oh yeah That'd be crazy Just for comics Ari Matty Thanks so much brother Thank you Theo Now I'm just Floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling Like these leaves I must be Cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take