BEST OF: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von 2025

25:35She's a tall lady. She's a tall lady. Oh, that thing's in 4-H, huh? Yeah. Oh, you got to spray some Roundup on that. Because back then in the UK, nobody was doing YouTube, you know? It was just a weird thing for someone to do, for a stand-up to do. Other stand-ups would be like, oh, he's just a YouTuber, you know? That kind of slur, right? Yeah, YouTuber. Yeah, YouTuber, ugh. No hard R on it. YouTuber. Yeah, that's crazy, dude. YouTuber, please. Yeah, dude. Oh, have you heard that song? YouTubers can be gay too Have you heard it? No I'll watch it right You gotta hear this song It's great It's just like a It's a summer bop That's really taken over And then we'll get back to this

26:32Hell yeah What a banger This is that banger bro We gotta remix this shit For the summer dude Yeah Very hard to sing along That's in your car You can say this in your car Yeah Yeah you just say this To your friend He's not wrong though They can't be gay He's definitely I support this guy Yeah Hey this guy has A vote for me bro It needs to be said Yeah There's too much Toxic masculinity In that And N word community Sometimes Yeah You gotta let the air Out the tire A little You know That's what I'm saying, boy. Sometimes the best seasoning is a little bit of zest. Yeah. Yeah, gingers traveling in PAX is a dangerous, dangerous thing.

27:20You know, we don't really see each other like that. You know, like we don't, when I see another redhead, there was a redheaded girl yesterday working this event that we were at, and she was like, my brother. And I said, let's take it easy because I don't know if you're an enemy or a friend yet. You know, a regular person I meet on the street, hey, how you doing? Another redhead, I go, I'd like to see the resume first before I let you into my space. Because I don't know what kind of ginger they are. There's different levels. Really? Is there really? Oh, big time. It's almost like black people in that albino guy or whatever.

27:47You know that guy I'm talking about? Yeah. That undercover black guy. Bring that guy up. Yeah. That's got to be, there's got to be a vetting process, you know? Like, can the albino black guy, does he say the N-word? Bring up a couple albiggas. Is that a term or not? It is now, dude. Can we say that or not? Look at that. Black albino guy with red hair. Oh, that's what the fuck is. Oh. Bro, that is the future, dude. Bro, take my money, bro. Whatever he's selling. And I don't know if that's more me or more, if he's more red or more black. I don't know what group he'd go with. I mean, he's invited to the cookout and has to have ring sunscreen, which is wild.

28:24That's fucking Sunlight Jackson, homie. Are you kidding me? Dude, are we going to get in trouble for saying Al Biggs? I don't know, bro. I don't know. I'm going to have a little sip of Celsius because I need to pick me up. Have you ever had this before? No, not this, no. Is it good? Yeah. Yeah. It's grape. I thought it's grape, so it's really good. I'm going to have to try this stuff. Can you have a little bit? Yeah. No alcohol. No alcohol? Okay. So what does it have? It's like water? Ooh, mine's cherry cola flavored. It's like spicy stuff. It's like a little bit of ADD kind of. Oh, dude. This stuff actually tastes like the grapes that you squeeze out of the, like not the grapes that you eat from the store but like the Amish grapes that you can buy like the ones that you squeeze out of the what do you call that the skin have you ever had those grapes where you just squeeze them out and you swallow them yeah it tastes just like this really yeah let's get a look at those Amish purple grapes yeah they're they're uh they're yeah that's how they look and those you know how the stores like they have no seeds in them like these have like Like a seed in them, you just squeeze them out, and then you swallow them.

29:33Because if you try to eat them, like chew on them, like you just bite into the seed and stuff. Oh, you just squeeze them out and swallow them out. This actually tastes exactly like that, so it must be very natural. Yes, sir. It's the best, man. It's very good. That'll get you home, brother. That'll get you home. Yeah. So I saw that this has caffeine in it. Yeah, it has a little bit of caffeine. So I'll be like moving around. Yeah, you'll be feeling something. Yeah. Dude, that was the best. I don't know if you were recording, but I mentioned before that, that dude was awesome. And you said you were in contact with him.

30:09Yeah. And my question was, how? Dude, we got to send you over there to see that guy. I would love to hang with that dude. Some things I take for granted. Oh, yeah. When he was just like stoked to like getting a Corvette with like two chicks. And he's like, that was like my whole life. And I'm like, aw. Goes pretty fast, too. Yeah, he goes. Press the pedal. Yeah. So it made me super reflective. And one, I thought he was adorable. Yeah, he's a nice kid. Yeah, nice and very honest and earnest. But I also was just like, man, I got to stop taking shit like that for granted. I mean, I filmed episodes.

30:49We did an episode about assassins that was just a couple of miles from my home in L.A. and I interviewed an assassin, a guy who's paid to kill. Nuh-uh. Just a couple of miles in L.A., an undisclosed location, but in L.A., not far from my house. It's insane. And so we met, and so we get there. It's at night, undisclosed place, but very close to my home, and he's waiting outside the car. And the moment I get there, you could see he's, like, jittery and nervous and not happy, and he was there because his friend asked for this favor. and in his case, sometimes it's easier for me to sort of have that human connection and try to talk about how I want to understand what they do.

31:27His case, he was just not. He was like, okay, here are the ground rules. And he said immediately, see this? First thing, he pulled out his gun. He said, showed me his gun. He's like, if this is a fucking setup, if the police shows up, I'm going to point this, I'm going to shoot you, all of you. You and your team, you're all dead. It's like, okay. And so the rest of the interview was me being super afraid that what if police shows up? Not because I'm there, but what if they just, what if a car just drives by? Yeah, what if some chubby cop's hiding from his shift over here right off the edge of his DSW shoes or something?

31:54Exactly. So I was so scared. I was so scared. And I think it was the shortest interview we've ever done. I think it lasts like 15, 20 minutes. But also because, you know, there's the initial questions is what do you do? How often have you done it? Why do you do it? How do you live with yourself doing this kind of thing? I always, the accountability questions, I always ask them. But the part that he didn't like, it wasn't actually like, do you know that you're doing harm to people? this is what you're doing is horrible like do you feel guilty about this the questions he didn't actually like was when i started asking him he says i only kill men no women and children and i asked him but do you have children and basically obviously i was trying to get to the point that even if the child isn't killed their parent the dad is right that's horrible but he's already better than netanyahu now he's like don't ask me questions about my children don't you're trying to get all all soft on me he got he was like his macho uh persona was getting um you know he didn't like that he didn't like talking about his children because it probably made things very personal for him yeah I think part of his persona being a hitman is that he you know you can't show emotion and so I was threatening to him in the sense that I was trying to get emotion out of him and he was not okay with it and he said is this over and yeah and then we left Theo you're going to be the primary in this one okay the subject's name is Michael Brady he goes by Mike okay sir hello hey mike yeah who's this uh this is theo actually i'm the i'm working i'm here today man just um i really screwed up didn't i man i think it seems like you've had a tough day i have had a tough day but i mean i i screwed up this time didn't i i think you're probably gonna have to answer some questions you know but i think everything's gonna be okay man how's it going to be okay.

33:48This girl, this girl's pregnant, man. I mean, how am I going to face anyone after this? Well, I think you're going to have to, her dad's going to be pissed. Yeah. I mean, yeah. People are going to be upset. I'm not thinking about her dad. I'm thinking about my family. Okay. People are going to, yeah, it's going to be, yeah, man, it sucks. Okay. It sucks. But here we are. Yeah. I mean, how am I going to face my son? your son's pretty upset right now yeah he is of course he is i knocked up a 14 year old girl i'm a youth pastor in a church i teach at a school my life is over give me a good reason why i shouldn't just put this thing to my head and my brains out because your son's life is still around and that's not what he needs right now you're probably right about that but you know How can I face him, man?

34:43I think you call him first. Call him and say what? What would you say in that situation? I don't know. I don't know. I would say, I would tell him the truth. I would say I messed up. And you think that's the answer? Tell him I messed up? I know I messed up. I think it's part of it. I know you know you did, but he probably doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't. is he out there right now yeah you want me to put him on would you yeah okay how do you feel how do you think you did was that intense it is intense it is intense fuck it's intense because you're like is now if even if you get to that part is he just going to tell the son goodbye exactly see you see you are super wise brother that's exactly why we wouldn't put the son on the phone because that's exactly what he would likely do he would try he would likely and so this is why we train this is why we train we had someone the guy cut off his own dick and threw it on the sidewalk oh for what because he was he was crazy he was mentally ill but we don't know any of this so the call came in in the morning i was on the way in it was early in the morning it was cold out i remember that oh yeah i have the radio on and i hit the dispatcher call a car and then start to laugh and then she says disregard we don't know what's happened so i'm driving to the station and then a call comes in again sending a different car because it was like the midnight shift ending sending a different car hey can you go to this location someone said there's a some mail and a piece of mail anatomy on the sidewalk and we were all laughing we thought it was we just thought it was a dildo we thought it was a joke that's why the dispatcher was laughing you just thought it was like a wmba game or whatever exactly it wasn't green um call comes in like 10 minutes later and my detective that I was working with at the time looked it up on the computer to see the text of the call like what does this actually say and then we saw that the caller was from a nearby health center and it said there's you know it look appears to be a penis on the ground there's blood everywhere we're like oh shit that's that's not fake so we would do what we call john stings and we'd put ads online back page doesn't exist anymore but we'd put them on that um so we'd all put our ads up and then what you know you put on eight at 8 30 your phone's ringing it's crazy 8 30 in the morning they're already starting to call and we'd set up our dates for the day like we'd have a hotel room and we'd be waiting in the hotel room and we'd have dates set up every half an hour to show up and were you hot under the bed no no it's hiding on the bed i would have to open the door and and there'd be like guys like in the bathroom officers in the bathroom behind the wall so i my trick was and i was at like 45 46 when i was doing it and my adam's supposed to be 34 i didn't fucking look 34 but i opened the door i'd have like my hair You would be the girl?

37:24Oh, I was a prostitute, yeah. What? Yeah. What? So I'd have to talk to them on the phone? Were y 'all understaffed or something? They just shouldn't have you, also the detective. Well, no, you have to have, you're the one establishing probable cause. So if someone else is doing it and then you have to go testify in court, well, you're not the one that had the interaction with them. So what we do, we put our ad online. You put your photos and some stupid saying like what you're offering and how much it costs. And of course, it's acronyms for everything. That's what I didn't know anything about this before I started, about GFE, which is girlfriend experience, which means he'll kiss you.

37:59Full service means like sex and a blowjob. And then there's like Russian and Greek, and there's all these stupid acronyms for everything else. And they thought they were being clever by saying, oh, I want GFE. So they're not asking for sex. Oh, I see. So by them saying, I want GFE or I want Russian or I want this, they think they're being clever, except you can say like, well, based on my training experience, I know Russian means titty job, like, or whatever. And then, so you talk, they call you on the phone. Titty job. Yeah, that's a Russian, by the way. I didn't know that. I'll take it. I mean, whatever they're, you know what I mean?

38:32It is, I'm sorry. Yeah, that's okay. So you'd basically talk to them on the phone. They call you. And some of them are real nervous, obviously. You could tell the long time or they got right to business. And some of them want to flirt with you on the phone or whatever. Can you send pictures of your eyes or your feet? The foot fetish guys are out there big time. But, and then you're like, the more you do it, I'm like, I don't have time for this shit. Like, do you want to come? Are we showing up or not? So you'd basically make the arrangement. So once they showed up, you already have probable cause.

38:57They already agreed to pay you for sex before they ever showed up. So then by them showing up at the hotel, they're like basically completing the entire elements of the crime. They showed up. They already agreed to pay you for such and such. So then you can arrest them. Right when they get there, really. Yeah. The amount of content that was being uploaded to Pornhub, if you put those videos back to back, just the amount of content they would upload in one year. It would take 169 years to watch if you put those videos back to back. That's how much content was being uploaded. Uploaded or had been uploaded total, you mean?

39:30No, per year. Wow. Yes. That's not even counting the images. Unbelievable. So I tested it. I found out, like I said, what millions of people already knew. And that was that all it took to upload was an email address. So in under 10 minutes, anybody with an iPhone anywhere in the world can upload a video. and they were not checking age, they were not checking ID to make sure that these are not children in the videos. They're not verifying consent to make sure that these are not rape or trafficking victims. And because of that, I quickly understood that Pornhub was not a porn site, it was a crime scene.

40:06Like it was infested with videos of real sexual crime. And then of course, because there's the algorithm, right? They have set up the algorithm to make sure if you see one video like that, they're gonna assume that you like that content. so then they're going to take you on a crazy rabbit hole. I call it like, you know, just hell hole of rape. Like that's what it was. And then you go and they'll show you more and more of the same kind of thing, you know. And so then the people would upload them and then make money, what off of advertising on them somehow? Yes. Yeah. So the, so the ones that were making money off of this content, cause this is free porn, right?

40:47Right. Free porn is not free, right? It is heavily monetized with ads. So they were selling 4.6 billion ad impressions on Pornhub every single day. But that's the whole point of America is that we have like standards of decency, fairness. I love that you use that word because that is the core of it. It's fairness. Justice is overused. Fairness is underused. It's just a child knows what's fair. If his brother's getting three Oreos and he's getting one, that's just unfair. He doesn't have a degree in economics. He just feels it. He knows it. The sense of fairness is innate. Dogs have it because it's part of the natural fabric.

41:24It's organic. And we are a fair country. And the rich man gets the same treatment in the justice system as the poor man. It doesn't matter where you're from. You're both citizens and you're both equal because you're both created by God. That's our whole system in one sentence. And that is being eroded because the people who run our system agree with Smotrich and every other third world dictator, these people are damned by their birth, whatever they are. That's what affirmative action is. It's like, no, I don't like the way your parents looked. You don't get the job. What? That's what we hated about the Nazis, what we hated about segregation, which I want to say was evil.

42:00Segregation was evil. Why? Because it punished some people and rewarded others on the basis of things they couldn't control their skin color. Yeah. And we'd had mixed babies a lot sooner too, which are pretty cute, a lot of them. And the Epstein thing, you know, I've never understood what the justification for keeping that information secret. Epstein was murdered in prison, okay? I know a lot about it. I'm not just throwing that out there. Epstein was murdered in prison. Well, they put him with a cellmate that was kind of a crazy like former police officer, right? Yeah. Former police officer killed a number of drug dealers.

42:33I'm not saying that guy did it, but I'm saying, well, I asked Bureau of Prisons because I learned all the stuff about it because I know Epstein's brother, Mark, well. And I never expected to get down this rabbit hole at all. The guy called me like a week after his brother was killed. Mark did? Yeah. And yeah, I was literally sitting in my backyard in Maine and he called me and I don't know how he got my cell. And it ended up this years long thing. It's not interesting and I won't bore you with it, but the bottom line is Jeff Epstein was murdered in federal lockup in in Manhattan in the secure unit.

43:04I think there were only 16 men on the unit. And I think only 14 there that night. I may have that slightly wrong, but it's very small and it's the most secure federal lockup in the United States. And he got murdered in it. So that raises all kinds of obvious questions. Like, who has the power to do that? So that's a big deal. And then the attorney general at the time helped cover it up. And I know him and Bill Barr. So I, and I say that And he's like, I'm going to sue you. And I said, go ahead and sue me. I hope you will. Israel is actually the exception. They are the only country that's allowed to lobby Americans.

43:40Like everyone else has to register as a foreign agent under Farah. Like with AIPAC or whatever? Yeah. So AIPAC, the backstory, by the way, before JFK got shot, he was fighting AIPAC. They were previously called, I'm blanking on this. It was, you can look it up. And he was literally saying, you have to register under the Foreign Act. And then he, APEC got lucky because he got shot and killed. But also you could like. And then of course, we're not allowed to read the files, but leading up to his death, he was having arguments with the prime minister, Ben Garion. And so it's like, yes, is Israel doing it legally because a president got shot?

44:16Sure. But it's wrong. There should, a country should not be able to lobby to get what they want and control our congressmen. and you get to see them flex that muscle like TikTok and things of nature when they are now interfering with our speech and they'll get laws passed really quickly. It allows literally a foreign country to make decisions in our nation. Lobbying should just not be allowed full stop. So instead they go, oh, well, you're focusing on it because they're Jewish. No, you're just the only country that's allowed to do it. I would feel the same way if China, if there was a Chinese lobby.

44:46Is China allowed to do it? No, there's no other country that's allowed to do this but Israel, only AIPAC. There's no other country. There's a conflict that's been happening in the Middle East. People know about it between Israel and Palestine and some of the areas over there, the Gaza area they talk about. And I just think it feels to me like it's a genocide that's happening while we're alive here in front of our lives. and I don't, sometimes I feel like I should say something. I'm not a geologist or geographer or anything like that, you know, so I don't know a lot of the, some of it I do know though.

45:36Like I know the basics of the issues over there, but for me, it's just like how I feel like you see all these photos of people, people, just children, women, people, body parts, just people like putting their kids back together. And I just can't believe that we're watching that and that more isn't said about it. And so I'm not saying anyone else needs to say anything, but I think I'm just that more isn't said about it by me. So I just, I want to be able to speak up about that, that I think we're watching probably like, you know, one of the sickest things that's ever happened. And, uh, and I'm sorry if I've kind of haven't said about it, I've tried to talk about it and learn about it.

46:27Um, but I don't know, maybe I just want to, I just wanted to say something. I don't even know what to do, you know, and it's crazy because our country is also complicit in it, you know, it's in it and has been for a long time. And it's just kind of interesting because then you just realize, oh, well, I'm just a, yeah, I'm a member of this country, but I'm just, what we want sometimes doesn't matter, you know, and you just have to be a member of a place and your government is making other choices.

47:03So I don't know if I said that correctly or I don't even know exactly what I said, But I just, I just have, it just like been making me really sick. And I feel like I just needed to say something that I think you don't have to think that. I'm not asking you to do anything. But I just have to say that. So I'm not sitting by, you know, there's that peace inside of me. Like, why wouldn't you, can you say something? You know, there's people that can't even speak and you can say something, you know. And so that's how I just had to just speak up. Anyway, I think maybe it's starting to make it about me there at the end.

47:43But yeah, so just praying for those people and just the grief that that is all going to cause.

47:56You notice like, what are we doing? What were situations like with children there and providing care to children? Like, what was the realities of that? that like, uh, was, were you able to like save any, like keep them from the gore? Like, was there, you know, cause usually, you know, a lot of times with in, there's like children's hospitals and there's hospitals and then there's places for kids, right? It's a little bit different and less severe. Um, what was that like there? So there was a kid's hospital, but it wasn't the trauma hospital. So all the kids trauma still came to Nostra hospital.

48:26They're right next to each other. And so we were seeing all the kid trauma as well. And the kid trauma was, was different, man. Um, just so, you know, difficult to see and experience. It was difficult to process, difficult to treat, difficult to talk to the family members with these children. I mean, you were seeing kids as young as one, you know, sometimes, you know, infants. But majority of them are like, you know, young boys, young girls. And just why? In the Khan Yunus, there's a tent city, one third of Gaza all live in this place called Mawasi Camp. I'll send you a picture of this. And it's just tense.

49:02Like you literally just find a plot of land. you put your tent down and you have like 20 family members living in there. Yeah. So like each one of those is a tent, right? You think crazy looking? Yeah. It's not like just you and your wife. It's a you and your wife and your family and kids and in-laws. So this is kind of the new Gaza here. It's one third of Gazas right here. Wow. What's the vibes here, man? I know that's a crazy thing to say, like it's a damn nightclub or something, but I mean, shit, but it's like, they got a bouncer up front.

49:31You know, you see kids playing on trampolines. you see kids being kids. Yeah. You see fathers kind of, you know, sulking, trying to figure out like what to do. You see mothers kind of just hiding in their tents, trying to take care of the little ones. You see grandpas kind of like hanging out with other grandpas. You see what you would expect a normal life to be. And that's what it is. These people are normal civilians just living their life. I just, I fear what's going to happen in the next generation. Like we're going to see some, not only psychological diseases, psychiatric diseases but also literally physical diseases that's going to come about the more we learn about um history the more we learn about just like um the the like well america did these things and some of it 9-11 could have been the result of some of that just as more as you start to learn that america hasn't always been this perfect partner and this that it just starts to test like, okay, well, what does it mean to be an American to me?

50:29But then at the same time, you need to be an American because you live in a country that's safe and you're able to operate here within the country. So it's, I don't know, it just makes it kind of interesting. Does that make sense? No, I get it. What you're, what you're exhibiting is a, is a very normal contradiction that a lot of Americans, uh, when faced with the reality of American foreign policy, they, they come to terms with this. Like they try to, they try to resolve this contradiction where on the one hand you're saying well i'm an american i like the security blanket that i exist under right but also simultaneously simultaneously you're like but damn we're doing a lot of fucked up shit around the world um i mean look i'm a i'm a people always yell at me and say oh hassan you only say america bad uh but i don't just stop at that like i i want america to be good i think america has an incredible potential it's the wealthiest nation on the planet it should be doing so much more to help its own citizens and so much more to lead the way, pave the way for a new evolution of the way that we look at international relations than the way that we engage with conflict.

51:39But the reason why America is the way it is, is because I see it as basically, you know, 50 corporations in a trench suit. Like it's just it's it's a holdover to extract tax revenue from everyday Americans and then give it directly back to corporations in the form of subsidies without ever regulating them and demanding anything in return. Lincoln, as a young lawyer, not yet 29 years old, 28 years old, addresses the Young Men's Lyceum in Springfield, Illinois, and they're discussing foreign policy. And he says, Whence shall we expect the approach of danger? Shall some transatlantic giant step the earth and crush us at a blow?

52:22And then he answers his own question. Never. All the armies of Europe, Asia, and Africa could not by force take a drink in the Ohio River or make a track in the Blue Ridge in a trial of a thousand years. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. We are a nation of free men who will live forever or die by suicide. Wow. So there's our challenge, right? You want to get self-involved. You want to make your neighbor your enemy. You want to make lots of them. Then you are headed towards that self-destruction that Lincoln's talking about. You want to figure out what we share in common, this corny sort of civic virtue, civic energy that comes from the Declaration of Independence, like how you can work together to do it.

53:10And, you know, a lot of people who are unbelievable citizens, it's like they go to the school board meeting. They like they participate in, you know, we, I live in New England and we have a town meeting and, and, you know, sometimes the biggest decision is whether to buy a new pumper for the fire department. That's a big deal. That's civics. That's dealing with the stuff. And it's also saying I've got to vote and I, and I have a responsibility as a citizenship to do it. And then we'll save our country. Then, you know, if you like the abstraction of disagreement and violence and all that sort of stuff, where suddenly just because your feed tells you one thing that somebody's an enemy, then you're lost.

53:50But if you look across the room and you say, you know, I don't share in common that much with somebody who comes from Louisiana and lives in Tennessee. I was born in Brooklyn and grew up in Delaware and Michigan and now I've lived in New England for the last, you know, 54 years. What will we have in common? We share a love of those ideas. We share a love of that process, the pursuit of happiness. God. See, the thing is, man, if Trump succeeds at the reshoring effort - With the tariffs. Yeah, that's part of it. But if in general he gets manufacturing reinvigorated in this country, then there's going to be a challenge that a lot of people aren't talking about, which is labor.

54:39So there's – in January, there were 482 ,000 open positions in manufacturing in this country, right? 480 ,000 open positions. If he gets his way and this all gets reinvigorated, you're talking about two or three million new jobs. But there's no workforce sitting there going, this is what I want to do. Or prepare to do it. So there's a skills gap for sure. OK. But there's also a will gap. Right. Donald Trump is going down a road and if he succeeds, he's going to create millions of manufacturing jobs in a country that currently has nearly 500 ,000 manufacturing jobs open because the people who run those factories can't find people who want to do the work.

55:36So it's not enough to create the jobs. Right. And look, a lot of your listeners are probably thinking, well, make the pay better. Make it more interesting. Make it more palatable. And we can have that conversation for sure. But the bigger issue still is there's no enthusiasm for the work. We took shop class out of high school. We robbed kids of the opportunity to even see what that kind of work even looks like. Meanwhile, we told a whole generation of kids they were fucking screwed if they didn't get a four-year degree. Thomas Massey, thanks for coming in, man. Absolutely. Good to see you, dude.

56:13Good to be here. Just had to cross the state border to get here. Yeah, that's what I see from Kentucky. And you drove, like you just took me into your home, in your camper home vehicle. It's a F-250 with a truck camper. And I lived for two solid years in it in D.C. Still occasionally do. And where would you park that thing at? Well, I don't want to disclose where I park, but I did get in trouble. and parked the truck camper. It's a super duty. It's got a, even though it fits in the back of a pickup, it's got a shower, bathroom, stove, and a fridge. Oh, it felt super when I was in there. That living arrangement in there, I could have definitely cozied up.

56:52It felt very cool. The milk felt cold in there. We had a little cup of milk, which is definitely raw milk. Yeah, I'm sure. Hopefully. Don't tell anybody across state lines with that. It's holiday time, and that means sitting down and eating and watching loved ones eat. sometimes it can get a little chaotic. I remember my aunt, we went to her house one year and she'd made a cornbread dressing type of deal and had not cooked it, hadn't cooked it, forgot she hadn't cooked it and just put it out with the other stuff and everybody ate it. And it was just, people thought it was just like a weird soup or something and it was horrible, but that's life.

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59:39Crypto trading can be volatile and you could lose your investment. MoonPay is a tool to facilitate transactions, not a source of financial advice, trade responsibly. Contraception begins at erection now. So there's a law that they're pushing. Ohio Democratic lawmakers propose conception begins at Erection Act. Okay, okay. So they're trying to put it on the men a little bit more. So what exactly are they going to do about this now? Well, a new bill in Ohio would make it a crime for men to ejaculate without intending to have a baby. Oh, wow. Now, that's definitely something that I could see a lot of people probably would be guilty of for sure.

1:00:20Hey, shoot and shoot, you know? Yeah, I could see that being – I mean I don't want to get into too much personal detail, but I think I'd probably be locked up for a long time. Hey, yeah. Oh, we're going to visit Tom this weekend again. He's behind bars. Yeah, my gosh. I thought he was going to get paroled. Plenty of time to break the law in jail though.

1:00:42$10 ,000 per discharge but here's the thing some dudes are just running around skeeting or whatever they call it I don't know what they call it in different countries but they're not going to have an extra 10k on them the court system would be filled with every kid in the world every 14 year old kid I'm assuming I don't know how much I want to talk about this in detail with you? No, look, I'm going to say, you don't get pregnant on your own. I was so lucky because you used to do a little sniffy-jiffy, I heard. And it is fun. There are negatives, but we always start with the positives, especially about that.

1:01:24If I could afford more when I was parking cars and being a busboy, I would have definitely gone crazy. I could not, thank God. I could do a quarter gram in a weekend and I could only afford 25 bucks. That was it. and even that wasn't money well spent. But don't get all excited. You're getting a boner. It is exciting. I mean, talking about it, doing it, it was fun. It was hard to just quit it. But I just watch and you go, no way to have a career. There's no way to have anything good with all this pressure and shit you got to do. And people like to rat you out and people like to say, this guy, he's a little fucking deesh deesh, a little power flower now and then.

1:02:02So if they start getting that word out there, I luckily never got that word. I didn't do any the whole SNL and that's the funniest part is that I did dabble a little bit before that just because I was in fucking showbiz and you're from Arizona you're from Scottsdale yeah it's not still yeah well it doesn't mean it wasn't really the cocaine capital of the world but you know I was in the comedy biz and a couple guys had it and I was like I would partake just for fun and obviously and then yeah brother but one time I did a lot and I was like yeah I feel like I should go to the hospital you know I keep saying and you'll walk over there that's the craziest is no I fucking sprinted no because the funny thing is you just turn into JonBenet one bump and I'm like I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy and I'm feeling great and then I made my friend drive me and I got there and he's like and it was freezing and I was shaking and tight and he goes you gotta go in there and he goes but they're gonna ask because I did stand up for about a year right And they go, they're going to ask.

1:03:06And they're going to have to call the police. I go, no, no, no. Extra scared. And he cranks the heater on in the car. And I'm starting to fucking sweat. But this is a good friend because he was there with me for three hours. He goes, I'll let you. You should go in there in a second. But just tell me more. And I was calming down. This was the trick. I didn't know this. And my heart was going from like 3 ,000 over 2 ,000 until I started to get back to normal. And then it got light out. and then I go let's go so gross and then I go I'll never do it again four days later hey dude yeah I'm fucking jinking yeah what a great guy there's me and they make me jump oh yeah that's why people gravitate to you because there's nobody like you well thanks man I feel the same about you.

1:04:03I feel like everybody does. And you have a statue of me at your house. So, yeah. Thank you, man. Thank you for letting them even do that statue. What was that whole deal like with them, with Michaels? That's where I got mine at was at Michaels. Yeah. It wasn't a collab or what was it? Nope. Nope. They just... robbed my image and likeness because they could. They're messing up, man. And because they were doing it for religious purposes, I allowed it to be. Well, thank you. We wish you a black Christmas. Hey, man, look, I'd be honored to have one. I'd be honored to have one. Yeah, man, because, yeah, when I met that guy there, he said, we got two left, man, you know, and there was 200, and one of them was marked down because they had a chip in it.

1:04:58But it's still, man, it's an honor. I keep it up at my house year round. And people walk in and they're like, no way, that's Cat William right there. It is. And it's beautiful, man. Thank you. Yeah. This was in Covington, Louisiana. But yeah, they had. About 13 miles from Slidell. Yeah, there you go.

1:05:21Wow. Map Williams in the building, baby. Right. But, and that's when I realized. Don't make me go Gert. everybody's everybody dude what about being the first gay dude ever it must have been crazy because imagine everybody's straight right and you wake up or something happens you get hit by lightning or whatever and suddenly you're gay and you're like oh my god like you're just talking to your buddy who you've talked to every day for years and you're just like thinking like I'm gonna stuff his fucking face with some wiener and you're like what and then you like don't like Imagine that because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside and be like hey This is gonna seem totally crazy to you guys But I keep thinking about Coming on Jacob or whatever you know People were like yeah, that does sound crazy.

1:06:14Don't tell anyone that don't tell anyone that you're the only one that thinks that I'm the guy trying to jerk me off in the back of a bus in Vietnam. You did yeah, and the guy was gay

1:06:29I don't fucking know what their culture is. That's a big sign usually. Dude, they're starving over there. That guy could have been ordering soup.

1:06:42Dude, any joke that ends in soup, Jewish people love it for some reason. Unless it gets a little cold, I'll eat half and send it back, but I like that joke. I'll eat half that joke and send it back.

1:06:56Hold on, almost done? There's her hair in there. That's the biggest problem with Jews going bald. They can't send soup back. And I was just calling to ask. Well, I'm secretly gay. Oh, secretly gay, the fella said. Let's hear more. I haven't told a lot of people. And I want to figure out how I can tell my mom. And I thought I could get some advice on here. Okay, brother. Yeah, thank you for calling, dude. and congratulations on your gay ship or whatever it's called, gaydom or whatever, being gay. I mean, there's different ways you could go about it. You could do something, you know, kind of fun.

1:07:43You could do just like a knock-knock, who's there? I'm gay, you know? That old trick or whatever. Or you could get a deck of cards, right? You could write, I'm a gay son on each one. put them like that have her pick one out say pick one out and read it and bam you don't even say nothing she says it and then you could be like what the fuck do you mean you know you could uh roll switch or whatever so that's it you know that's reverse psychology dude so that's something that's crazy me and big x we almost did a song um but i don't know i didn't i I actually sent him a song and he didn't finish it.

1:08:25So I don't know. That's on him. I guess I don't know what he was doing. He was in jail. Did he? I think so. For what? Not a long time. Not long enough. I went to jail too, man. Hey, if you're behind bars, write a couple. Yeah. You were on a pretty famous text chain with other SEC coaches. This is alleged. Yeah. Kirby Smart. uh, Sarkeesian who, what are the vibes on the chain? I feel like, like, what is it like on there? I feel like I keep it together. Like I keep the group together. Cause like one will beat the other or they'll say something and they kind of like get mad at each other. And then they won't like text for a week.

1:09:08If like you beat him, then he doesn't text for a week or if they're playing each other that week, they certainly aren't going to say anything. And I'm like, guys, and by you beat him, it means you, when you guys beat Georgia last year, but go on, I feel it. But then I just say something that night. You know, like, hey, man, like, you'll probably get us next year. You know, like, they don't think that's funny. You know, like, then one of them side texts me like, hey, man, you shouldn't have said that. Kirby's pissed off. You know? And I'm like, dude, it's just a game. Relax. We're buddies. Do you guys vote on how another coach gets into the text chain?

1:09:36Or what is the... Yeah. There's been conversations about that. Really? I just kind of, I actually have a... They may not know this. We're giving a lot of information out today. Appreciate you coming. So, you know, kind of give you some special insight. I have multiple ones. So sometimes I'll say something, that guy's not in it, and that guy's, you know, then this guy's in it. And so, like, I kind of make sure I know who's in them, you know, when I say certain things. And then, you know, every once in a while, I've got somebody who does something, and then I move them out of the chat. No. Yeah.

1:10:12Yeah. Yeah. It's happened, you know. Jimbo Fisher removed from chat. R.I.P. And then I'll put them back in. Yeah. And just put them on the bench. And they're like typical coaches. They don't know how to remove somebody or add somebody. Oh, yeah. So it's pretty cool that I can do it. And they're like, how do you do that? Yeah. Yeah, Lane's one of them tech wizards. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Coaches are a little behind Tyler. That's a big deal to be able to remove somebody from a chat. Like, whoa, he must really have somebody teaching him this stuff. Yeah, dude. The Scots, man. They're fascinating. They're just fascinating.

1:10:44You'd almost. like I wouldn't be surprised if you was in the US, you know, or you're in a zoo and had a couple in there somewhere like, you know, they're taking care of it. Yeah. Drinking sort of like their health in there. Yeah. Yelling at you. Yeah. Screaming at the fences and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like us. We're singing like a good arm. Do they have like a lot of good, like Scottish songs and stuff? Oh, flower of Scotland, when will we see your lake again? That fortune died for your wee bit of England that stood against him. Proud Edward's army and sent him homeward to thank again.

1:11:33Come on, Scotland! Yeah, yeah, that's us. That's a good one that we've got. We've also got, what's your name? Ali Bali, Ali Bali B, sitting on your mommy's knee. That's a good one. I don't know where it goes after that. Well, that one ends in the courts, I think. It sounds like, you know? Yeah, exactly. That sounds like a domestic dispute, you know? As soon as I tell people I grew up in South Carolina, they're always like, oh, it must have been so racist, all this stuff. And, of course, there's moments where it wasn't nice and whatever. People calling you almost N-word or something like that? Oh, N-word.

1:12:08Not almost. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Well, those people are nearsighted or whatever, I feel like. I don't know. That's crazy. But there was also, I feel like, you know, there was a time I was writing something and I asked my parents to just tell me, like, I didn't want to write stuff about people being racist to people. I wanted to write something positive. So I was like, tell me things you remember that were positive, like experiences you had, you know, being someone. Because, you know, my parents are there in the 80s. Yeah, it was different for sure. They don't, people there didn't even know what Indian people were.

1:12:40They didn't see them in the culture. They didn't see nothing. They didn't understand. It looks like a black person that they didn't finish the job on or whatever. Kind of, you know, no judgment. Let's just make sure that quote is attributed to you. You have a new show that definitely like sparked me up. It's Animals on Drugs. That's right. We were texting when I was in Columbia. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, it's on HBO Max as of like yesterday, I think. Oh, yeah, dude. I was just like, dude, send me a gift from Columbia so I can snort it, brother. But take me through this show, Animals on Drugs. Because, you know, they had like the cocaine bear.

1:13:18Uh-huh. Cocaine bear, the movie. Cocaine bear. And then they have, I was trying to think of some, oh, Craccoons would be good. Craccoons. How did I not think of that as a title? Come on, Craccoons. Bro, what is, bro, what's in my - That's a no-brainer. What's that in your recycling bin? Yeah. You see a little bit of smoke coming up from the recycling bin? Yeah, the bin's vibrating. Yeah. Poof. Crackoons. He's like, crackoons. Smiling. Crackoons. You went turkey hunting with Mike Waddell, I heard. Oh, yeah, I did. Yeah, I went down there. And it was fun, but it's like, I don't know. Some of the tur - It's like, they just seem like an unwell bird.

1:13:59What do you mean? turkeys. Unwell in what way? They just don't seem like they're like a like I don't want to say like they I don't want to say uneducated. They just seem like they like they got picked last for Jim kind of. Dude, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Really? Oh yeah. About a turkey? Yeah, if you look at a turkey it just seems like they they just are I don't know, they weren't doing a lot. Dude, it's a big-ass bird. His head changes colors from red to white to blue. He tastes good. Yeah, he's basically the Toby Keith of jerky. They fucking walk around the woods making insane noises.

1:14:39Yeah. But I mean, it's an omnivore. It can eat all kinds of stuff. Okay. Well, now you're selling me on it. Yeah. Waddell didn't tell me all that. Waddell didn't tell me all that. Name a better bird. It's like, you could be, oh, a bald eagle. he eats a bunch of rotten fish from the side like a turkey that's America's bird dude are you familiar with a gentleman named Ben Franklin? Yeah. Okay did you know that Franklin didn't like the bald eagle as a national bird because it was a scavenger and he threw out some it's debated how honest to you it's debated if he was trying to be a smart ass or not Ben Franklin said America ought to go with the wild turkey because at least it's a vain bird what does vain bird mean it's beautiful he puffs his feather the the male puffs his feathers all out yeah he's got a snood he's got like a imagine like a pecker on your laid across your face okay that changes all the time it gets erect wait goes limp turkey has that yeah dude it's like to just like come in and like start disparaging a turkey right off the top of the bat you don't know me i'm just okay i'm just it's like very it's like uh it's disrespectful that is a that is a that is the the best that's the best bird in our in our country it's so scary to also to think about i always do this too many times like to think about truly how many animals there are if all this food is being given to people it's so scary what are you saying like how many like chickens are murdered not murdered but killed a day like so many like even I'm just trying to think about this reason like if I order An order of wings at a bar and there's 10 wings in there does that technically mean that I'm having five chickens Like two wings a chicken.

1:16:30I think there are some chickens that have more than two 206 million a day globally or probably 206 million chickens are killed for food each day It's wild. It's that what's that? Holy shit, dude It's like since we started talking about this 140 ,000 chickens just died. Oh Oh, that's wild. That's the original Gaza right there, dude. That's crazy. I can't believe they're doing that. What else we got? Oh, in two separate recent WNBA games that have been plagued with a new problem, unruly spectators throwing sex toys onto the court. Hmm. Oh, God. I saw a picture. I mean, it is kind of wild, I guess, too.

1:17:08But first of all, I'd embrace it if I'm the WNBA, right? I would shoot those things out of a t-shirt candidate during Pride Month or whatever. Yeah. that's what I'm saying I mean if things get wild and people start tuning in that's great it's good money you know you don't want people to get hurt and I guess that's disrespectful but it's like yeah make it turn the negative around yeah let's put a positive spin on it I mean that lady was excited and I don't know if that's AI it could be AI I just saw a woman they have a woman that has two kudos actually i saw she's on tiktok the other day there's a woman what now are you now i'm talking about the anatomy now i'm changing it so you want to hear okay no go yeah go there is a woman who has two vaginas that's on tiktok yeah yeah yeah uh she sent a dm the other day to me how many dms did she send one of you one for me

1:18:03dude dude she sent replica dms that's insane so can i tell you a story yeah so i'm uh i'm at my boy's wedding and we're he's from he's from ohio we're at the you know reception now the after reception we're all just hanging out in the hotel room and the one dude's like yo do you remember uh you remember that girl went to high school with with two vaginas and he's like dude you're talking about Cheryl and then his other buddy's like, yo, double barrel Cheryl. And I just thought that was the funniest fucking nickname I've ever heard in my life. Double barrel Cheryl. I was like, that's got to go in some American pie type movie.

1:18:39Just double barrel Cheryl. So as soon as you started talking about that, I was like, Oh, I have one. Put her in a museum. But she used to, apparently she used to say like, this one's for my boyfriend. I'm saving this one for my husband. Oh yeah. Yeah. yeah that's kind of beautiful yeah yeah right yeah yeah because i would just i would if i had both i would dude you'd blow them both yeah yeah exactly yeah exactly dude no i'd be like i'm saving this one for after dinner or whatever i would definitely dude bro you telling me i would love. A hug from somebody's grandmother? God. Those hugs are just the way you land in them.

1:19:24It's like being at a spa. You get a young hug from one of these young bitches. Some of them are strong and shit. They got you know, some chick hugged me that day. She had a couple damn dumbbells in her hand. Two barbells. Three and a half pounders. Like, what the fuck is this? But you get a hug from a grandmother, she got them damn catcher's mitts full of love. She got two of them bitches, baby. And their arms go right into the tits. They ain't even a difference, bro. That's just a big bicep tit. Tits up. Bicep tit. That's just a damn fucking... Mmm. Mmm, that's a fucking love seat. She got them two arms like a damn front end loader.

1:20:14That bitch will hug you. God! It's hard to know if it would seem like you seem like a guy who likes being in Hollywood or doesn't like being in Hollywood, I guess. There's things I really like about it and things I really don't like. Yeah. Right? And I wish they didn't have to be together, but they are. Right? Like, it's kind of life. You got to take the good with the bad. Because they always get pictures of you where you seem like you're like the dwarf that is kind of like the backup dwarf. You know, like you're on the side, you're smoky. You're like, what is that guy? I don't know that character.

1:20:45Is he pissed? I think he's a little pissed. Yeah, he's an understudy. He's the understudy dwarf. Okay. And not dwarf. Like you're a regular-headed guy. But it's like, and I shouldn't have said dwarf. I shouldn't say anything. But it was like, I don't know. And it's like they only put this chronology out of you that makes you seem like you're kind of bummed. Well, here's the thing. And if the only time, like when somebody is taking a picture of me, I'm bummed because usually I'm with my kids. I'm trying to go somewhere. And then there's four guys. We're like, hey, man, every time, can you give me some time?

1:21:16I'm trying to be with my kids. Do you mind? You know what I mean? So the look on your face is kind of like, and then they go away and not taking the picture. You go inside and you're having a good time. But it's this selective experience of like take a picture of somebody every time they're feeling irritated. They're going to look irritated. Especially if you're the one irritating them. Yeah, it's like, I'll come piss you off and then take your picture and then be like, look, I'm pissed off. That's exactly what that whole system is, really. Right. And it's useful because that's why I'm sure you've seen on all this stuff.

1:21:48The idea is follow somebody around, antagonize them, and then hopefully they'll have a nervous breakdown and go crazy on you. And then your video will be worth more money. Yeah, that whole thing gets really black mirror-ish, man. I'm like you. I'm super critical on myself. If I don't honor the commitments I made to myself, I'm a bitch. Yeah. You don't. Yeah, definitely. And here's the crazy thing I would do, Kevin. I would go for a run one day or do something, and then I'd be like, we grinding every day. I'm going to go run a million miles. Next week, I'm running seven miles. And then the next day, I wouldn't even go for a run, but I'd have built up all of this steam in my head like I was in the Olympics.

1:22:27And so then I'd let myself, my aspirations were so diabolical and ridiculous. that, but when I did let myself down, I would let myself fall from the heights of my aspirations, not even from, you just took one run. Not even from where you was at. Yes, you just took one run, and you just won neighborhood over, and you got yourself at the Olympic trials in Atlanta, but the shame I would feel would be the fall from the Olympic trials, and I only fucking went damn probably 1 ,100 feet. That's why everybody that tell me they want to get into fitness, they be like, what you think I should do first? I say baby steps.

1:23:03Baby steps Take baby steps If you walk in the gym and walk out You still showed up You did something that you wouldn't have done yesterday Maybe this time you might get on a trail man walk For maybe two or three minutes I don't know, who knows Start drinking more water Baby steps, like everything is baby steps Yeah, I would never even give myself the grace of like Let me have those babies And you know something else I used to do? I used to compare myself to people that was taking steroids and all of that, and I'm like, I want my body to look like this. And I'm like, yeah. And I used to watch them dudes say stuff like, if you ain't got no six-pack, you fat, homie.

1:23:42And I was like, damn, I'm fat. So I had unrealistic expectations. I'm just like you. And then I started giving myself grace, and I'm like, I didn't even come in it to look like that. I just wanted my clothes to be able to fit good. I just didn't want to be Titty Man anymore. Yeah, yeah. He didn't want to have them nice titties on him, boy. Man, breastuses. I just didn't want to be Titty Man anymore. And then you start comparing yourself to other people and you lose. We lose ourselves in what we really wanted. What was our goal? I just wanted a bedroom body. That's it. That's it. That's all. When you get up really, really crazy high in life.

1:24:22You're too high. You're Madison Square Garden and all this kind of crazy shit that I was doing. It's like the fall will kill you. and uh because it's not a human height it's not human and there's no oxygen up there and there's no drag on your wings and it's lonely and it doesn't have it it's not affected by your feelings anymore it's just this other thing but when i went back to work and i was like i'm doing clubs again how's that gonna feel and i'm sitting in the funny bone inst louis and the coke the machine that sends coke to the bar is is next to my head and i'm sitting there and there's the smell of chicken wings and pizza and i'm doing retail comedy one you know i was happy as fuck i was so happy to be telling the jokes to people whose faces i could see and whose admission prices is they're giving that to me as a as a gift and they're going home happy and i got back to that level of comedy and it was really beautiful that's where i live now i mean i do the theaters because i'm still a fucking pig i still want i still like it but well some of them are nice too some of them are nice with the rhyman and oh yeah nashville beautiful i'm excited to come over there i think even this year has been tough for me it's just like um yeah i just feel like work's gotten busy and it just makes me scared kind of a little bit and it's like you know and then popularity makes you scared and that's kind of scary and then you're just like looking at yourself you're just like what am i even you you're like i can't even feel like i can't even the controls feel far from my hand sometimes not yeah not like i'm doing crazy stuff or anything but just like you know i just i don't know no it's it is scary and it should be that's the thing is it's like another electricity you got to respect it it's not it's not a small small thing being famous and it can go bad and it's it's your fault because you got into it.

1:26:20But that's, I don't know, it's also a human thing to want to share your work and want to be out there, you know. But once, when it goes bad, you get in this predicament of like, I want to go to each person's house and tell them what really happened and what, you know, the little things that aren't in the way that's, you know. And that's just never going to happen. And at this point, with all, to me, I just want to get, I just want to live. If you had to share something with somebody who had lost a sibling or who had dealt with, you know, some grief from loss, something that you've learned because, I mean, you're like almost the Neil Armstrong of loss.

1:26:56I mean, you've endured a lot in your life, you know, and watched other loved ones endure a lot, you know. What have you kind of learned that you feel like you could share, if anything? Well, thank you for giving that opportunity because that's what I want to do is to try to make it positive for somebody, buddy. But, you know, it's tough because I want to tell people that when somebody dies, it's going to get better, but it doesn't get better, man. You don't even get used to it. It's just keep tolerating it and you just, somehow it gets a little better someday. But there's no good word to say to them.

1:27:36But when somebody's really busted up, you know? And when you overcome that and are able to maintain through that, well, then it's now you've achieved through a struggle. You've achieved over an obstruction. You've gone over a hurdle, you know? And it's like now you can say you won. Now I can say you won something because without a fight, there can't be a winner. There can't be a champion. There can't be a success unless there's that adversity, you know? And so God wouldn't put you through that unless you're going to benefit. You've got a great mind. You're intelligent. God, I can tell. Oh, thanks, man.

1:28:26Life is, he's knocking on your door too, my friend. You too, I feel like you and me are probably pretty similar in some ways. You feel that? Sure do. I do too. So, no, David, that leads exactly to kind of what I was thinking about. My next question is, how does our quality of life affect our beliefs about death or the afterlife? Well, you know, I think this is something where neuroscience actually has something to offer. Okay. Right? So, when I first started studying the brain, you know, 40-plus years ago, I was taught, well, the brain just kind of sits there. And it waits to react to something.

1:29:06Something comes in your senses. You hear something. You see something. Your brain does something. And then you move your muscles and you respond to it. And that's what it is. The brain is kind of sitting there waiting for something to happen. It's a reactive organ. Like a two-stroke motor or something. Right. And well, even not like a two-stroke motor that hasn't even started yet. It's waiting for someone to pull the ripcord, right, for it to start up. And what we now know, the modern conception of the brain is that when you're just sitting there spacing out, your brain is really busy. And it is a prediction machine.

1:29:38Your brain is trying to figure out what's going to happen next in the near term. What does that mean? It means that our brain is wired to presume that there will always be a near term, that there will be a future, right? And so, you know, I got diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was told four years ago that I had six to 18 months to live and you know while I mean of course that was really upsetting and I was freaking the fuck out about it in addition you know I could do practical stuff oh I better write my will I better have this conversation with my kids I better you know make sure this is done in the house and like these letters are written for my students you know so then to go on the next part of their career like all that practical stuff Right, exactly.

1:30:32But in terms of actually deeply engaging with myself not being there anymore with my own demise, I felt like I was skittering across the ice. I couldn't really dig in and grab it. I couldn't really think about what it's like for me not to be there anymore. And I thought, well, is this a personal failing? Do I just suck? And I thought, well, maybe, but – I mean I do, but – We all do. But, you know, what I'm thinking fundamentally is that this is not something that we as humans are designed to do. Our brains are hardwired to predict the near future, which presumes that there will be a near future.

1:31:21Yeah. Right? And so if you extrapolate this a little bit to our – And what does extrapolate mean just so people know? I'm sorry. If you kind of move on to the next step, right, of what this means for faith, right? If you go around the world, nearly every, not absolutely every, but nearly every religion in the world has an afterlife or reincarnation story. Very few religions. Judaism is one, you're dead, and there isn't actually a story about what happens after you're dead. But almost every other one does. Or the big invoice. You go to heaven, you melt with the divine, you're reincarnated, but there's something that happens.

1:32:05These stories are exceedingly popular all over the world in all cultures. Well, I think that the reason they are is because of this brain bug we have. We can't imagine ourselves dead because our brains are hardwired to predict the future. and that's why we have these afterlife and reincarnation stories in faiths all over the world. And so I have total sympathy for these, not just because I'm diagnosed with terminal cancer, because I see them as something deep and fundamental to what it is to be human and something that binds us all. Have you ever met someone and you were like, I could play that person?

1:32:48Like, is that, because that would be like, kind of like, I feel like if I were an actor, that would be like my power. Like you would corner somebody in a room of a fucking party. Like I could play you in a heartbeat. Huh. You know? Does that happen with the good actors? I don't know. You have to ask good actors. I think, I remember when I was young, I remember doing this movie and the, one of the other actors was talking to the director and he was like, wouldn't it be cool if, you know, Joaquin did, you know, this kind of movie, you know, kind of like so-and-so. And he mentioned this other actor that was like my peer who was like, like the actor.

1:33:22and the director was like yeah but I mean Marquinhos no so and so and he was like and the other actor was like dude that's so fucked up what I said the director was like oh no no I just I mean that in the best way like you're a character actor he's no Fred Armisen character actor is like kind of code for like you can't really like you're never gonna really get there but you'll work and And that fucking pissed me off. But here's the thing. But it pissed me off because I was like, no, I have more.

1:34:03There's more that will come out of me. But I think I ultimately appreciate it because it made me go like, well, how do I find that way? Like, how do I find more? Yeah, there was just something like, there was something special about that time where it was like, I don't know, the moment meant so much more. You know, there was something, there used to be something about the past that the moment you couldn't copy it or you couldn't record it. Like, I think that's why those times, you talk about some of this in your book, man, and it's like about time and like, God, like the moment of when I was a kid or sitting there laughing with my friends.

1:34:41Like the moment was so much more real because you were never going to get it again. Right, and you couldn't necessarily record it, and you sure as hell couldn't share it. There's a study on this, man. I don't know if I'm going to say it's like 20 years ago or 25. The moment was the biggest dopamine rush. The jump, the cresting of the mountain, the pulling off whatever you tried to pull off. Yeah. Scientifically measured, the biggest dopamine hit. Cameras and mobile devices and stuff come out. it slowly turned to the recording of the moment the snapshot okay not the cresting of the hill but we just recorded it the ownership of the moment ownership of the moment right and then what has happened now has been around for 25 years the biggest scientific dopamine hit that we get as humans is not the doing of the deed is not the recording of the deed it is when we press

1:35:44share really now that's a little bit like living in third person like we're all running around going my rush is not when i run for a touchdown my rush is when i see myself on the jumbotron running for the touchdown and that's a that's a slippery slope man you know what i mean Well, it's slippery, but it also seems hard to even conceptualize who I am then, you know? Yeah. Am I myself? Am I just a viewer of myself now? Yeah, that's it. We're much more voyeurs now. Right. And our identity comes from being objective, trying to look at ourself from outside. And now comes from, well, what did you think of what I did?

1:36:23Yeah. And that's the worst. What did you think of what I did? And that will be my definition of who I am. We got to watch that. Riley Mal. Yes, sir. What is something that you are kind of grateful for this year? A little thing in the world that, like, is there a moment or something in the world that makes you feel some gratitude? Yeah, yeah. I've got a little baby coming along the way.

1:36:57Yeah! Dang! you have a you have a baby coming i do oh my gosh bro unreal dude congratulations man thank you oh my gosh bro dude i remember when you hadn't even um come out of your own nuts or whatever remember that yeah wow and now you're like i'll show them Wow, dude I'm gonna make this skeet Grow up That's a That's crazy, dude And is it a male or female? Do you know? Have y 'all looked at it? It's a male

1:37:45Amen, brother God God has got you, man We can even pray about it right now You care if we pray about it for a second? Yeah, let's do it Let's do it, man God, we just want to thank you today. You know, in times where we're uncertain about things and where it feels like it's tough to get a foothold that sometimes our sense of purpose wanes based on our society, that you can remind us that there are important things in the world. God, we want to thank you so much for giving Riley a chance to be a father. You know, when I met Riley, he was barely, he hadn't even had any,

1:38:38I'm going to say it fast so it's not, because we are in a prayer. He hadn't even had any semen come out of his body. And here he is just serving blast sauce and just having it grow up into something beautiful. and we want to lift this child up to you God before it's even here uh and what's the name of the child Riley uh we haven't announced it yet okay God we want to lift up this unannounced child to you that at this point is still just a batch of semen and egg um that uh that you may that you are helping cultivate and moisturize. And so we just want to lift that up to you, God, and say thank you for reminding us what is purposeful and that we can find purpose in family.

1:39:26Rod, amen. Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Wilson, Jr. Thank you, sir.

1:39:36One, two, three, four.

1:39:43Gary these days been lying in his bed, man Working on the same car, going on a decade Scribbles on drum mount don't draw attention I never really noticed but now that I mention it Ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days Born with a cigarette glued to their face Fixing about anything a hammer can't handle Saving all the money cause a Gary don't gamble Ain't a lot of girls going by Debbie anymore But they got the same nicotine pouring out their pours Time leaves town but the minute hand stays There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days

1:40:41Now Gary these days been worried about the bad news There ain't a lot of teenagers filling up the church pews Burn a bush light, don't talk to his brother The people even still say grace before supper There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days Born with a cigarette glued to their face Fixin' bout anything a hammer can't handle Savin' all the money cause a Gary don't gamble Ain't a lot of girls goin' by Debbie anymore But they got the same nicotine pourin' out their pores Time leaves town but the minute has text There ain't a lot of boys named Gary these days

1:41:43Every now and then gets a damn thing running Takes it out for a spin for a sneak in there

1:41:54He believes in God who believes in a little black-eyed piece On the stove on these days

1:42:16I had a weird suspicion with the light out on the front porch Hard medication poured down where the drain pours He holds his left arm while his parakeet prays Has anybody seen much of Gary these days?

1:42:44Has anybody seen much of Gary these days? Hey! Gary! No, there ain't a lot of boys Ain't a lot of boys Ain't a lot of boys There ain't Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

1:43:24Thank you.

1:43:54Thank you.