E443 That Lord Portal

In short

Podcast Summary: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von - Episode E443: That Lord Portal

Episode Overview In this episode, Theo Von hosts a solo segment of "This Past Weekend," exploring a variety of topics including his personal experiences, reflections on motherhood, and responses to listener voicemails. The episode is filled with Theo's signature humor while also touching on deeper themes of existence and gratitude.

Key Themes and Topics Discussed

Experiences at an Asian Church
Theo shares a humorous anecdote about attending an Asian church, highlighting the cultural differences and the communal experience of singing hymns.
He humorously describes how the congregation was enthusiastic and the imagery of the service, including a large screen displaying biblical scenes.

Celebrating Mothers
A heartfelt segment dedicated to mothers, where Theo expresses admiration for their unique role in society.
He likens mothers to a "portal" through which life and existence are granted, emphasizing their significance in the world.

Personal Reflection on Existence
Theo philosophizes about life, suggesting that humans are akin to "ideas of God," coming into existence with varying impacts on the world.
He discusses the randomness of life and the importance of accepting life’s unpredictability without attachment to expectations.

Career Reflection
Reflects on the biggest performance of his career at the Arizona Financial Center, sharing feelings of vulnerability and gratitude.
He recalls the unique experience of performing in a circular setup, comparing the sensation to being on carnival rides as a child.

Humorous Childhood Memories
Theo shares nostalgic and comedic stories from his childhood, including experiences at fairs and his perceptions of various mothers in his neighborhood.

Responses to Listener Voicemails
Theo answers listener questions, including one about how he would conduct a gender reveal party, proposing a wild and humorous idea involving a four-wheeler.
He offers support and encouragement to listeners dealing with personal struggles, emphasizing the importance of therapy and self-care.

Key Takeaways

Motherhood as a Portal: Theo’s metaphor of mothers as portals signifies their crucial role in the birthing and nurturing of life, appreciating their sacrifices and contributions.

Life as a Journey: The discussion about life being a journey rather than a pursuit of comfort encourages listeners to embrace life's unpredictability and to find joy in every moment.

Humor in Storytelling: Theo's ability to weave humor into serious themes makes the episode entertaining while still offering poignant reflections on existence and human relationships.

Community and Connection: The significance of community, whether through family or shared experiences, is echoed throughout the episode, highlighting the support systems that help individuals navigate life.

Transcript

Automatic transcript. May contain errors.

0:00We've got some new merch items to tell you about the Be Good to Yourself crewneck in teal. it's frosty and we got the new hoodie in bittersweet plus we've got the root beer t-shirts from the root beer cartoon all that and more at theovonstore.com oh baby oh dang look at the baby it's so tiny it's so tiny Tiny. God, I remember that song. Remember that from church? Oh, look at the baby. It's so tiny. It's so tiny. Dude, one time I went over to this. I don't know if it was Japanese or Chinese or it was some knees. That's all I'm going to say. it was some knees, it was Asian. There was, you know what I'm saying?

1:09You could damn, you could throw a pot of rice in this church and hit an Asian. They probably had unlimited Asians in there. You know, it looked like a, it looked like a,

1:29it looked like a kind of an Asian-y, Asian-y, Asian, Asian thing, spot, place, Asian. It was Asian in there, and I remember the first time I'd ever heard a batch of Asians like that sing a church hymn. You know, I think they were, I don't know if they were first generation or not, I'm not sure what generation they were. They were, some of them had the, you know, the little, some Asian people, though, if they get real old, they get that catfish hair coming out of them. And you could get, you know, you put a damn worm in front of one of them, they'll damn, you know, they'll jump right out their damn kimona.

2:21They'll jump right out their damn church pajamas. You know what I'm saying? You put a spinner bait or something, you throw a chicken liver in front of a, you know, you got them catfish Asians, baby, they'll lurch. They'll lurch, they got that, you know, they got that last bit of karate left in them. Because, you know, a lot of humans as they get older, you cross with an animal at a certain point. A lot of humans cross with an animal. And for a lot of Asian, for a lot of Asian, that's catfish. You see that guy, you know. But yeah, I'd never been to a church before where I had seen Asians, multiple Asian, doing singing church hymns.

3:17And it was pretty cool, man. And it just shows you that everybody can sing, you know, and that everybody, no matter what ethnicity or culture, that they all can sing songs of faith and be excited and stuff like that and be at church. I remember, I can't remember the song now, but it was like, do you see the baby?

3:50Do you see the baby? And they had a big screen in there, and they'd have a picture of the three wise men going to get Jesus Christ out of the sandcastle. Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is, Happy Mother's Day. I want to say that out there to every type of mother. Every mother. There's a lot of you listening right now. And you're a mother. You got something, you know. There's no other. That's how, I mean, that's God's peephole, baby. That's how God looks out into the world. Through a mother.

4:40I mean, you are the liaison.

4:46between, you know, you're the on-ramp between the Lord and earth. You got that on-ramp. You got that thoroughfare. You know, you got that, you know, you got that yum tunnel on you. and that's how God that's how God serves them that's how he serves the world

5:19you know a woman's body a woman's

5:25however they say it out there in some of these other continents the vyinge that's how the you know

5:35that's how that's how the Lord you know that's how he just puts people on earth. That's God's last hand. That's his last. That's how he reaches out into the world through a woman, through a mother. That's really fascinating.

6:00If I told you there was a portal, right? Say I come up to you. You're sitting somewhere. Are you having a sandwich or something? You're having a little cut of meat, cut of cheese. You know, you're having a cut of meat, cut of cheese, two breads. You know what it is, a sandwich. Say you're having that. You're sitting on a little riverbank or something. I come up to you. I say, buddy, I'm going to tell you where there's a portal where you can go into another realm, you'd be there in a heartbeat. Well, that's what a mother, mother, that's the only way, the only way to get from the brain of God, of the powers that be, of mother nature and father time, I'm the only portal is through a dang woman, a mother, or this bitch, as some people call her.

7:16I don't, you know, I don't say that. But anyway, I just want to, yeah, I want to wish everybody a happy Mother's Day, you know. So, you know, sometimes I think that people are just ideas. They're like, what if God had an idea, right? And I say God in the, you can, whatever God you want. It can be everybody, I have my, you can have your own God.

7:51but I think of people sometimes as like an idea of God like say you have an idea right an idea kind of comes in it comes into you like it comes out of kind of nowhere right like if you have an idea in your head it comes out of nowhere and some some ideas there they do they they stick around They turn into something. Some ideas, they make a difference. Some ideas really get turned into something and can adjust the world, can change things, can adjust something small or as big as the whole world. Ideas, they can—you don't know how big an idea can be or how far an idea can go, right? if we have an idea.

8:46So sometimes I think that humans, they're just ideas of God, really. It's like we show up in the existence. We have a purpose sometimes. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we evaporate and disappear early. Sometimes we stay around for a long time. Sometimes we change our environment. and sometimes we can change the world, you know? So I don't know if this is making sense, but I feel like life, it's like being alive. It's like we're almost like an idea of God. Like if we have an idea, it comes into fruition. We do things with it. Some of them are really helpful. Some of them kind of come and go. But when God has an idea, that's us.

9:40That's a person. We're his idea. We're like ideas of God. We come into life. We meander. Sometimes we have an effect on things. Sometimes we don't. And there we go. So not sure if that makes sense, but that's something that's just been going on in my head. I'm grateful to be here with you today. I'm grateful to be thinking about mothers. I'm grateful to be thinking about mothers. I got to see my own mother last weekend in Phoenix, Arizona. She came out there and we had a nice time. You know, it's been a long journey with my own mother, getting to know her. And since we didn't have a connection when I was young, getting to have a connection as adults.

10:41you know I talk a lot about that I'm not going to go into that right now but it was awesome to get to see her

10:49we got to do the largest show we'd ever done at the Arizona financial center dang bro dang dude warm up the Asians baby because I'll sing about that Oh, the baby is here. Oh, look at him.

11:18That was magical. I want to thank everybody for coming out to that. It's a different type of energy, man. You're out there on the stage and you feel little. God, I feel so little out there.

11:32In a club, I feel normal size, regular size, six foot. 182. One arm a little bit shorter than the other. Neither arm. That long. Neither long. Medium arms. It's nothing you notice, but if you know, you know.

11:59What was I talking about?

12:04Oh, in that vast of a space, I feel like, I think I almost feel like a bird could come down and just pick me up off the stage. You know, it's almost like you feel like the mouse, you know, somebody sees a mouse, they shine a light on it. And that's what it's like in there because it's big, it's dark. There's a light on you. and I'm like man a big bird's gonna come and damn get me god I don't want that I don't want some big dirty bird picking me up but uh but that was incredible just thank you guys for just being a part of my life for uh wanting to come and see me wanting to uh wanting to let me see you you know or just I'm just glad we all get to spend our time together and it's just been really it's been cool and I know a lot of people they want to get to interact more you know and we do what we can but I just want to thank everybody for coming out we did one show that was in a circle and that's damn confused I mean it's like damn bro the whole time I feel like I'm performing and asking people for directions, you know, and nobody knows what, I mean, it just, it was in the round at the celebrity theater.

13:31And this place looked like a, it looked like a white castle, but like the head, the, like the, the white castle, like where, you know, where white lived or whatever, you know, it looked like the last white castle, but like the biggest, greatest White Castle. It looked like a CEO, where the CEO of White Castle would live, this place. It's in just a big parking lot, and there's just a damn castle in it. But it's just a low castle. It's just like a short castle. It's a low castle. Just damn short castling. So if you got a, you know, this castle, it's like a, you know, short castle. You're like, damn, what is this?

14:15But thank you. I had never done a thing in the circle like that. So it's, damn, I'm damn dizzy. You know, halfway through the jokes, I got to hold on the stool or something.

14:28It reminded me of the Gravitron, you know, when you go to the fair as a child. You know, where I lived, you'd go to the fair and you'd get on the Gravitron. and we'd go over there a day early for 50 cents. They'd let you get on a ride. And you were experimental. You didn't realize it. You were a damn lab rat. They were testing to make sure this shit worked and make sure there was no lice on the equipment or whatever. Because goddamn, boy, you get on one wrong ride, you itch for a month, cuz. I mean, I swear to God. I have one buddy he had two nipples he itched one of them bitches right off bro that's how bad he got body lice he's down on one damn nipple cuz cuz lice they need a place to meet up at on the body you know they're just like they're just like a group of white people at a music festival So, every now and then, they got to meet up somewhere and check on everybody.

15:46Where's Rhonda? How's Ricky? Oh, damn. Where's Donna? Oh, well, Tammy and them left. They left. They're gone.

16:02So, lives are like that. They want a place to meet up. And God forbid it becomes your wiener. Or something like that. Or inner wiener. That cooter. That in, that I do, baby. That in wiener. Yeah, you know it. Oh, yeah, you got the in wiener, don't you? Hey, lady, let me see that in wiener. Oh, damn. Mama got that in wiener. Oh, oh, oh, oh. welcome to the world to the baby we're happy that you're here i can't remember that asian church yeah but thank god they met up on his nipple dog and ate that bitch because you get them body lice but um anyway what i'm trying to tell you guys is oh yeah it was like the damn gravitron like the shape of the place and the gravitron you'd get over there a day early to the uh to the parish fair the county fair and you'd pay 50 cents and let you get on the ride and the gravitron you laid back against the wall and the whole thing would spin the damn thing was spinning and it used all the power in the community damn your mom's blender would damn shut down seven blocks away so this bitch could spin and it was you could hear your you know the dad your dad works at the factory that bitch shut down everybody's having power outages and right there in the middle of the fairgrounds the gravatron is spinning there and then you can't even it you get pushed against the side so much inside you can't close your mouth or eyes you're just like, yeah, I'm having fun.

17:58I'll fuck. And then the guy running it, he'd be in the middle. And he was always this rock and roll dude. And you'd be like, do you want to rock? And one person, you could barely, the centrifugal force was so strong, you could barely get your arm up a little bit and be like, yes, I do. and then he damn that guy would show you his damn wiener every time that guy was a damn he was just a visual pedophile that guy he'd show you that sprout that body branch homie you know what i'm talking about that nut snake baby that wiener who damned this and you couldn't you couldn't close your eyes or anything.

18:48Everybody's mouth and eyes were just wide open because you were spinning on the Gravitron. And he just, you know, he didn't do anything, but he'd show you that bitch.

19:01So, I don't know what we're talking about. Happy Mother's Day. That's what we're trying to say here. And we're grateful to a lot of beautiful mothers out there. We love you, moms. And And thank you for giving us this life, whatever our life is. Now, the tough part is when you're not enjoying your life, you know.

19:29To then still find that gratitude to your mother. But, you know, there's no, there's, I don't know when it happened in time that we started to think that life, while it is extremely unique, right? It's extremely unique. It's so rare. You know, Neil deGrasse was on here, and he was talking about the rarity that you exist, the odds that you exist. I mean, you may hate math, but you are math. You are an equation. You are a carry the one to carry the one million. The odds. That we that you that I that any one of us exists. They're astronomical or astronomical. But somewhere along the lines, we you know, we started to think, I guess, that life was supposed to be a comfort, a comfortable thing.

20:40And I don't know when that happened. I think that happened for me too. You know, and maybe some of that is just an American societal idea. Since we live in a, and have lived historically in one of the more comfortable countries. You know, where we've had a lot of blessings and gifts. You know, we've had a lot of cash and prizes. We've had a lot of, you know, we have water. We have roofs. We have food. You know, we have our needs met.

21:21That we started to just think that life is supposed to be a comfortable journey. But if you look out through time, man, it's never really been that. People have battled plagues, lightning.

21:49What else? AIDS.

22:01flash flooding, and

22:10dangerous animals, baby. All of that. Anyway, I get in my head sometimes that it's supposed to be this comfortable thing as opposed to that it's supposed to be this journey. It's supposed to be this experience that doesn't really have any guarantees.

22:36And I wish I could look at life more that way because I think I wouldn't be – I'd probably find less disappointment in things if I looked at life more as like, okay, here I am on this journey. as opposed to why isn't my life going a certain way. It'd be more like life was never promised to go a certain way. It's just life. You know, it's just like an idea. It comes along. It could Anything can happen to it So I'm a little all over the place But

23:42I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I'll be singing just for you

24:02And I've been moving way too fast On a runaway train with a heavy load of my pants And these rules are riding on Yeah, good to be here Thank you for being a part of my life Thank you for blessing me with your time today And we are out here and we are alive And this is life This is what it is You know, if I can accept life on what it is, where it's at then I'm in a much better space usually. You know, if I show up with too many expectations, then I'm going to, man, I'm always going to be disappointed.

25:02You know, I'm always going to be disappointed. but if I can get myself to be like okay let's see what's gonna happen today let's see how it goes oh it's going good oh it's going bad it's not really going good or bad it's just going

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25:25but when I start thinking too much it's going like this it's going like that I need it to go like it's like um then I'm almost too attached to it. You know, whereas if I can sit back and just watch life kind of happen and not overreact to it, just recognize it's always got, that's the thing. Life hadn't been tricking anybody.

25:54Life's got two hands, bro. And it'll give you some bird seed with one and it'll punch it down. It'll punch you in the fucking neck with the other. That's life. Life will hand you a couple little butterscotches, bro. With one hand. And then while you sucking on them mitts. Hit you with the other hand. That's life. Life has always done that. It's that butterscotch freaking bad boy, son. it's a James J. Brad Utterscotch that thing it'll punch you while you freaking enjoying some sugar but if I so at a certain point I gotta know that I gotta know hey this is what life does but if I'm so attached to it then I'm gonna do then I'm gonna be riding like that too if I put my saddle on every moment but if I can just kind of sit in the middle and know it's gonna be high it's gonna be low mama's gonna ride her bro I'm a rider then I don't get caught on the waves in the crevasses I'm just chumming the boat man yeah it's gonna be tough here it's gonna be untoughed here let's enjoy the sailing huh let's do some smooth sailing um better help i want to let you know that this episode is brought to you by better help that's right better help if you need something if you are missing ways of connecting your life if you're not feeling like your old self you could be evolving sometimes you need help doing that sometimes you need a reflective surface you need somebody to help you see who you are and get a real look at yourself that's right better help they can be there for you if you're thinking of starting therapy give them a try better help it's entirely online designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge find more balance with better help visit betterhelp.com slash t-h-e-o today to get 10 off your first month that's better h-e-l-p dot com slash theo summer's coming it's coming fast dang it might have already come on yeah are you ready to unveil your beach bod i'm not but manscaped is here to ensure your body is ready for the wild i just used their tremor and just trimmed up my uh chest and belly so made enough got enough hair to make a dang mitten for somebody for a cold hand or a hoof or make a damn hair condom for someone it's time to get ready for a hot guy summer by going to manscaped.com for 20 % off and free shipping with the code Theo.

29:14That's right. Manscaped is dedicated to helping you increase your confidence and level up your full body grooming game with the performance package 4.0. That's right. No one likes nose hairs. They can get them. They got the weed whacker 2.0. They got it all. Get 20 % off and free shipping with code Theo at manscaped.com. That's 20 % off and free shipping with the code T-H-E-O at manscaped.com. Trim your hair. Do it well. Do it right. Manscaped. Not trying to preach at you, just trying to share some things. I've been doing a little more meditation recently, and it's been allowing me to have a little bit of space from the attachment to every moment.

30:07And that has been nice. It's been nice. Even just a little bit of space has been nice. What's going on with you guys? I want to thank everybody that came out over there in Phoenix. I'll be seeing everybody in New York this week. New York City. We're trying to put some other shows on the books we got. Edmonton is out there. New dates. That's up now. Our new date. It's going to be outdoors. So no idea what that's going to be like. No idea.

30:43but we'll see when we get there that's what i'm thinking uh what's been happening what's been happening with you i want to get some voicemails from you guys other dates we're looking at australia and the uh uk we're looking to try to figure those out right now um so man I can't even believe it to get to go back to some of those beautiful places and oh just thank you so much thank you for um wanting me to come you know uh physically you know and uh or you know to show up you know I'm I'm not talking about ejacking. I'm talking about just showing up and doing work. What's going on, man? Oh, boy.

31:43Happy Mother's Day. We had a lot of different mothers in my neighborhood. My mom was damn high-strung. My God. she would god damn i mean good god

32:02my mom i think she fucking slept on the top of a violin that bitch was high strong

32:10she would god damn my mother had that kind of if my my mother she was she was tight she was wound tight if she turned her neck one of her arms would go up to beat the shit out of somebody that's just how she was built just like one of those old toys you get like as a kid back in the day they'd have a toy and if you turn like if you moved its leg then then then the arm would it was double it was ambidextral so you move you know you moved its neck one of its arms would go up and you moved its leg and then the other arm. It would just, you couldn't move one part without another part. That's how my mom was.

32:59She just had, she was wound up. If she sneezed, she beat the fuck out of something. She just, you know, it was just, my mother was wound up, boy. They had all kinds of moms in our neighborhood. We had this one lady, she drank, boy. she drank and she ate Christmas candies year round. She ate Christmas candies year round. This bitch was eating Christmas candies year round, boy, year round. And first, if that ain't the most sinful thing, seeing somebody suck on a piece of Christmas candy, dude, in this damn June, what's going on? Oh, God. The devil's out here selling sugar. And she was naughty, bro.

33:54She had a Trans Am, I remember. She had like a sports car. And she would drink a lot.

34:05She would drink a lot. And I remember she'd lay out on the hood of that car, dude. She'd go drive it a couple times. And then she'd lay on the hood of it while it was still warm. It's right there. Three apartments down from us. She'd lay on that bitch. And she would just kind of just out like she'd say, I want you. What did she say? I want you. She'd be like, yeah. Yeah.

34:37Yeah. And then she drank a little, take a sip of her drink. It was usually a corona. And she'd say, I want you to hear me feel. And she would just hear. She would howl a little. God, boy. And her damn legs would look all wet. I mean, I don't even know what was going on. God, that lady was. she was fucking wild boy

35:18and somebody she said that she had barrettes on her

35:24on the hair outside of her cooter I want you to hear me feel she would say that shit laying on that warm engine what else we had another my buddy had a thick mom She was damn thick, boy. God damn, dude. She looked like she made out of damn bread, you know? Like when you saw her, you just wanted to damn just put some jelly on that bitch. You just want to damn put some jelly on that bitch and enjoy yourself. God damn, boy. I'll put that bitch in the oven, son. And their whole house smelled like biscuits. and they had a mixed child over there too and the mama she always wore kind of hospital clothes even though she wasn't in in in the in the hospital i guess she was just ready because eventually they took her in and she passed away she had uh blood pressure or something i don't know just them salt in her blood or something damn biscuit blood or something had happened to her.

36:39She was, god damn boy. She was beautiful. And then they had another buddy of mine had a, his mom was, she was, God, she was beautiful.

36:55She was beautiful, man. I'd go over there and I'd hide in their clothes hamper.

37:03I'd hide in there. And I would smell her brassieres. God, I would just... I wanted her to be my mother. I would get those things and put them on my... I would just... Just huffing cups, baby. I just wanted to just inhale the scent of that woman until it landed in my DNA, man. I wanted her to be my mother that much. I remember that.

37:44I remember that. I can barely see. These sunglasses are damn. They want it all to stop. Sun, everything. But let's get a couple of calls that came in here. The hotline is always 985-664-9503. I do want to update you that me and David Spades are still trying to get a movie made, which would be insane, boy. I don't know if that'll happen. We're trying. A lot of these studios and stuff, they're not giving it a chance. They don't. There's no. We haven't had any luck on the traditional route. You know, I think there's a big. They don't want to see something like that. They don't want to see that kind of...

38:39They don't want two guys... They don't want, I don't think, two white guys having a good time. To be real honest with you. And some of that might be a little jaded, but I can't understand why they wouldn't jump at the opportunity for the film. I mean, I don't have a lot of experience. I don't have any experience. Let's be honest with you, boy. I don't have any experience. Hey, you got experience? I don't. I don't have any. And the baby came from the sky. Oh, God.

39:15But this is David Downs spades, bro. Call a spades a spades, baby. That's him. That's Tommy Boy's brother, dog. so that's Joe damn dirt bro his parents left him at the Grand Canyon and now he's a movie star so that shit just makes me want to fucking juggle my own dick buddy

39:49so I don't know we're trying to find an alternative method to get it made I might hit up a rich friend or something and see if they'll put some finance in. I don't know. But I just wanted to update you on that. What else? I watched the UFC this weekend. I enjoyed it. I was bummed that Bryce Mitchell didn't fight. But, you know, you got to take care of yourself. That's important. And anyway, as always, the hotline, 985-664-9503. What's up to you? Gage from Pittsburgh. What's up, Gage? In Pittsburgh as well. I like it. I've been there. Got pink eye over there. You know what I'm saying? Got a little bit of downtime in my uptime.

40:38You feel me? Onward, brother. I'm having my third kid in August. I got two girls already. I'm hoping for a boy. Doing a gender reveal party. I want to know, how would Theo Vaughn do it? Gang, gang, baby. Praise, brother. I appreciate you asking me and congratulations on that third, buddy. Congratulations on that, bringing something into the world, an idea, a human idea. What can happen?

41:08I think this is how I would do it. I'd get you mommy and daddy out there. Get you mommy and daddy, right? Your parents or her parents. I'd get you a four-wheeler, okay? And I'd run you a, I'd run you a thing of rope from the back of the four-wheeler to each one of the parents to their pants, to the front of their pants. And they're wearing pants only, each parent, pants only. No unders. No unders. And then you tie it, whichever it is, male or female. If it's male, the new baby, you tie the knot tight onto the front of your dad's pants. And if it's female, you tie it tight onto the front of your mom's pants.

42:00And whichever one it isn't, you leave it loose, but you still make it look like it's up by their waist, right? You tuck it into their waist or whatever, so nobody would know the difference. and then you say okay one two three male or female or whatever they do you know let me see you know move that whatever gender whatever they say right and let's see the winner or whatever you know or whatever they say i don't know how you guys do it right and that's a crotch okay who is it the baby is the beautiful part of the world so here's what i'm saying man is that then you floor that four-wheeler and whoever it is if it's male or female it rips the pants off of the adult now that's some fucking shit right there boy that's it so then you're really revealing somebody's gender.

43:00You're revealing two genders. You're saying, hey, the baby's gonna be this and we're also making sure that your parents are appropriately crotched by God. Because imagine, well, you ripped them pantalones off mom and she got that hog on her boy.

43:23She got that little worker boy. She got that little semen snout on her. Boy, everybody be damn shocked. That's a double gender reveal. Then she's going to have a new granddaughter, and you're going to have a new father. So that's how I would do it, man. But what do I know? Nothing. Nothing. All right, let's take another call right here. Hey, Theo. My name's Riley. I just got a simple question. What do you think of my car? It's a 2012 Suzuki SX-4 hatchback. that's all I wanted to know gang gang gang baby thank you Riley for calling in on that auto and I don't fiscally I don't know much about it you know you need to look up in Kelly Blue Book or get you on the website or something Edmonds or something I don't know you know we used to have that Kelly Blue Book and we'd look on there and see oh wow my car is a piece of shit I remember realizing wasn't even in there the value of this damn wasn't even in there god but um i love that it's a kia sorento huh is that what you said what do you think of my car it's a 2012 suzuki sx4 hatchback uh okay that's all i wanted to know suzuki gang gang yeah we used to have a brother by us that grew up by us and they called him Suzuki leg and uh I don't know why I don't know what happened or what did something happened to his leg I think he'd um well I know what happened his brother had burned down uh their garage his brother had locked him in a garage or something burned it down and part of his leg got grilled out a little.

45:15And for some reason, they call him Suzuki leg over there. And I don't know why. I'll have to go back and ask somebody, but I remember that. But yeah, look, that's a beautiful car. He said 2012, 2012 was a great year, man. That was when the Russians ended that, They had a beefing issue with the UK. Remember, they wouldn't let the beef in from the UK. And that's when the Russians, they ended that. Is that an embargo? What is an embargo? Let me see. An embargo, an official band or trade on trade. Yep. The Russians, that's 2012. They ended that embargo, that beef embargo. They had that meat embargo going on.

46:08they didn't want that beef coming in from uh britain they didn't want that british baby and so they ended it but at that point it was unlimited russian beef was allowed in in uh no unlimited british beef was allowed in russia and people were damn fucking throwing loins at each other just you'd see a man just beating his wife with a damn london broil over there in russia you know just god just you know just whipping it just you'd see somebody whipping their child with a damn back strap you know it was damn beautiful um but that's yeah because i used to work in meat i used to do door-to-door meat work uh i used to do door-to-door meat work we would do you know where you'd knock on people's door and sell them to meat right there and people want to people look people there's something about meat people want it

47:19people want it people want meat baby they want it and if you show up at somebody's house and you're like guess what and they're like what you're like i got some fucking meat right here some of the decent amount of people want it now some vegans will call you a queer or whatever you know but that's them um anyway sorry i'm rambling man let's get back into it uh but yeah i used to do door-to-door meat it was truck to table right there and we would sell it to people right there uh you know it was you know it was freezer to table i don't know what it was but We'd sell that shit right out the truck.

48:01In different neighborhoods, you'd knock and tell them you had different stuff. Ribs, bruh. If you was in some of the urban neighborhood, you'd be like, hey, guess what? We ribbing around over here, you know? I'm driving that rib rover. You feel me? We ribbed up. Who want these ribs? So, praise God. Happy Mother's Day. You know, the sun is, it's gone, it's violent. Look at what the sun can do. Burn a hole in a leaf if you have a magnifying glass, kill an ant. That's why our friends at Shady Rays have you covered for the warm weather ahead with premium polarized shades at an affordable price. price shady raises an independent sunglasses company that offers a world-class product that's just as good as any expensive pair we've ever worn that's true that's not all shady raise offers the most insane protection in all of eyewear every pair of sunglasses is backed by lost and broken replacements yep if you lose or break your pair even on day one they told us they will send you a brand new pair no questions asked if you don't love your shady rays exchange them for a new pair return them within 30 days as well exclusively for our listeners shady rays is giving out the best deal of the season go to shady rays.com and use code t-h-e-o for 50 off two plus pairs of polarized sunglasses try for yourself the shades rated five stars by over a quarter million people.

49:50Shadyrays.com. Use code Theo. You know, I was in a car accident probably about four years ago. Some lady did a U-turn and she didn't know how to do it. And she just, she U-turned right into me. It was more of a J and I was at the end of the J and I got just jacked up. That's what happened. If you're ever injured in a car accident or injured at all and in some type of accident, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Morgan & Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. They have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 800 lawyers. With over$15 billion recovered for clients, Morgan & Morgan has a proven track record of fighting till you get your full and fair compensation.

50:41Submitting an injury claim with Morgan & Morgan is so easy. It's more like using an app than hiring a lawyer. With Morgan & Morgan, you can submit a claim without ever having to leave the couch. You might not be able to, heck, if you're hurt. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information, go to forthepeople.com slash this past weekend or dial pound law that's pound five to nine from your cell phone that's f-o-r the people.com slash this past weekend or pound five to nine from your cell phone this is a paid advertisement all right let's take another call here here we go

51:32hey theo man um i just wanted to call and say man it's been rough i've had a pretty rough couple years and um i've been watching you for a long time and you're you're just hilarious man and i just find you so funny and i was watching some clips on on youtube one of them was you just saying that you're proud of me and that was the first time i've heard that in a long time so i just wanted to say thank you and i just wanted to know kind of what you do for support how do you get support how do you make yourself feel better i just want to know thank you oh thanks for the uh for the message brother um yeah you know you might be like me you might be somebody that didn't hear that when they needed to when they were young you know and that's not self-pity i'm not like oh boo-hoo but the long-term effects of those things are very real they're very real man they're very real and And I'm sorry you're having to deal with these things later in life.

52:35But you're not the only person. You know, it's a lot of us that are dealing with this. We kind of late bloomers, you know.

52:44And it makes me angry that I have to deal with, I have to deal, I have to meander around these things now. Which are things that should have been done for me as a child. It makes me angry, right? But I have to take some action. and that's what we do we go to we do therapy we do different processes um you can uh do 12 step you can do ayahuasca there's different things you can do uh to help you uh fill in that space and learn um and relearn the things you should have learned as a child or should have known and felt as a child. Me for support. You know, this podcast really in some ways has been the one thing that's made me show up for my life every week.

53:40You know, if there's one thing I've done in my life that I've committed to and I've done it, it's this, honestly. so this has been a great thing my brother has been really great for me my brother has been really man

54:10you know I don't know where I would be without my brother man

54:19I mean, he had a really tough time when we were kids. He had a really tough time. And, you know, he, and, you know, and I was the younger brother, you know, so I came in this need and, you know,

54:41you know, and probably what little he was getting that he needed as a child. I came in and cut that in half. you know uh

54:54but he is just a really interesting and resilient and um and powerful force in my life i go to him a lot we've had a our relationship has built as i've gotten older and as he's got as we've grown up and it has been a blessing man you know my brother as the first person in my life that ever felt like loved me just unconditionally. Unconditionally. He chose to, he just, you know, he chose that for me. I had an ex-girlfriend that loved me unconditionally too, actually. I wasn't ready to be a good, you know, a decent husband or a decent boyfriend. But my brother, I go to my brother. Who else do I go to?

55:53He really is the one that, you know, he kind of, he's my, in some ways, he turned into my father, too. You know, he had to fill in a lot of roles that we didn't have. And he did it for himself first, and then he's been able to extend and help me when I've needed it. So that has been a blessing. Thank you for asking. All right. We got another video call that came in here. Some of these are video. And for all of these, you can go to Theovan.com. There's three ways to communicate with the podcast. You can text. Those are where we just kind of respond to sometimes. You can send audio and video. and we listen and watch those.

56:45And some of those we'll use for episodes. Thank you. Hi, Theo. My name's Ashley. And that is my beautiful Cane Corso named Abraham. Okay. And hello, Ashley. Thank you for checking in here. Nice to see you. And you got that animal too. You got that dark animal in the back seat onward. My question is about whether or not Theo has any words of encouragement or just thoughts about having to rehome a pet. I'll actually be moving from South Carolina to Covington, Louisiana in June. So I have to rehome her. I can't take her with me just logistics-wise. So I wanted to know what your thoughts were about that.

57:40Well, thank you. Yeah, look, I think if you're going to bring an animal down to Louisiana, that's good. That's an animal place, man. Name 70 animals. I bet you a lot of them are right there in Louisiana if you do. Yeah, I mean, I grew up in the stray animal belt over there. And so I don't know a ton about dogs. I believe in them. I've seen them my whole life, you know. The area I grew up in, a lot of stray animals. I mean, we had stray, everything was stray. I mean, from the damn birds to this, hell, this one family down the street. You'd catch a damn, that daughter drinking out the ditch.

58:29But we had a lot of stray animals come through. you know and so i don't have the first time i ever saw a dog in a home it was it blew my mind it was a beautiful blonde haired blue a brown-eyed animal i'm like god damn that thing's fine as hell boy that thing's fine as hell i'm about to fucking grill that thing up over at the asian church you You feel me? Oh, don't you love us, Lord? We love you. What was I talking about? Yeah, so I don't have much experience on rehoming animals, but it's obvious you care about the animal. You're going to find it a good home. And I think just welcome to Covington, Louisiana.

59:18It's a great place. It's a warm place. There's a lot of good people. uh it's a good place to raise a child it's a good place to be a mom um there's a strong sense of community over there and uh i'm sure you will like it it's a great place to have an imagination and i'm thankful to that place uh for just giving me a tapestry to be on as a uh as i pass through time here yeah i don't know we had a stray animal I mean, I got bit by, you know, I mean, damn, I got bit by so many fucking dogs. God, them bitches would fucking bite me. I thought there was something in me. I thought I had a damn pork loin in me or something.

1:00:07You know, I thought, you know, God was hiding bacon in my ass or something. Them dogs would fucking latch on to me. So anyway, good luck to you and congratulations on the move. all right let's take one more call and um yeah let's see what we got as always the hotline is 985-664-9503 um here we go hey theo um my name is danielle i live on the west side of michigan um great lakes great times that murder mitten yeah baby that murder mitten that's it if you want to get murdered and you want to hear kid rock blasting in the background while you do it you got to go to michigan buddy and enjoy yourself onward no um but anyways i just got pulled in a little early uh to this you know program that i'm participating in and i just wanted to touch bass i was listening to you you know on my drive-in this morning and recently you've just been talking a lot about like taking time for yourself, like, you know, prioritizing like life moves real quickly.

1:01:20And, um, you know, that that's, that's true. And, uh, I recently made the decision to, um, you know, take some time off for myself and, and get some therapy and some medication to kind to battle the dark arts in my heart, in my soul, in my mind. You know, we're out here, man. We're doing it. And, you know, I'm a career person. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. You know, I got a lot of responsibility. But, you know, at the end of the day, I had to make the decision to help myself, you know, because what's the cost if you don't? Right. So. Amen, Danielle. Thank you for the call and happy Mother's Day to you.

1:02:17And yeah, you know, mothers are the real. They're the real worst. They're the. You know, mother, they get it all.

1:02:34they get there there you know it's a lot of they're the toll booth they're the on-ramp it's a lot of responsibility

1:02:49you're running around with a damn portal between the heavens and existence and the world yeah I'm sure it is stressful dear God I can't even make it through a damn toll booth if I don't have the change right I fucking lose my shit so to be carrying a you know a portal to be and everything you're like that you're the greyhound station of the Lord and you know how much things get left at a greyhound all kind of this and that and old jacket somebody left a damn uh uh oven mitt over there and half a milk dude i saw a sister drinking a can of damn similac one time calling somebody a homo on the phone once at philadelphia over there by the Greyhound.

1:03:49So it's all kind of shit. You know, being a mom, being all that, there's a lot coming at you. You're the nucleus, really, of the family, really, in a lot of ways. There's a lot passing through you. And there's a lot that's been going on in history. You know, I think so many things happened over the past centuries. wars and battles and love and loss

1:04:25and only now in the present society really are we really at a place where we've come up kind of for air where all of our needs are kind of met where we can look at our emotions see what's going on, how we feel, what's happening

1:04:47and it makes perfect sense to take time and clean your mirror so i'm proud of you yeah look even nascar they put them dude they do nine laps and pull them bitches in the shop and those are the most greatest cars on earth

1:05:12so it makes sense that we take time to take care of ourselves it makes sense that we find ways to be happy and take care of ourselves so i'm proud of you i don't think there's anything uh yeah look this is your time it's mother this mother's week is your time so yeah you take care of yourself take all the time that you need

1:05:38it's important we have to take care yeah if you don't have yourself what do you have sometimes I find I'm hurrying for what

1:05:52I've always felt like that in my life I've got to get this done so I can but there's not a thing there's never a thing that I'm hurrying It's like somebody's fired a gun at a starting line a long time ago, and I've just been going.

1:06:12So take time to carry yourself. Play girl. We doing good. What else? Not much, dude. Shaved my chest the other day. Feeling okay about that. A little nervous about it. You know, my tits don't look exactly like I would like, but that's God. That's what he's doing. You know, one of my tits looks like a little bit of like a melt, like somebody put a scoop of ice cream, but it's just starting to melt a little. So, but hey, who don't love a little bit of sweet cream? Can I have some? I want to thank you guys. I want to thank you mothers for being mothers. We're going to go out this kind of a sad song.

1:06:58but I used to listen to this song a lot when I needed to process feelings of

1:07:06of connection that I didn't have with my own mother I would listen to this a lot not all the time but I would listen to when I really was in a moment where I was like okay I need to you know when I could feel some of those feelings come on I would listen to this song because it would help me process them and it would help me get those out of my uh system you know um so let's listen to that now this is evan bartels the devil god and me uh happy mother's day to all the mothers out there um we love you and uh and thank you for what you do. And thank you. Be good to yourselves. You know that, baby gang.

1:08:03Now this is an emo one. So if you don't like that emo, then go on. Go on about yourself. Nobody's keeping you here. Gang, baby. Evan Bartels, man.

1:08:23Love y 'all, baby.

1:08:29Oh, Mother, may I open my eyes Cause there's a great big world waiting right outside Oh,

1:08:46Mother, may I raise my voice We the people have that choice Mother may I rest my head Though I did not try my best Mother may I sip the wine Though I did not tell

From the publisher

Theo returns with a solo episode of This Past Weekend to talk about the time he visited an Asian church, testing out carnival rides as a kid, how he’d do a gender reveal, what makes Moms so special, and more. He also reflects on the biggest show of his career, and responds to some of your voicemails and video calls.
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