E450 Tom Segura

30:18So that's why it's a challenge because you're like, I have the show works. Right. It'll be fine. It'll be fine without me doing that. But it's the only way to get through that feeling of like, this sucks right now. I'm not having fun. Yeah. And there's a little other element that happens. There's some other magic in the room. whenever the if you can get that freshness somehow it's like it's it the right word for it is magic because there's no other way to like you can only say it to other people who have done it but i just remember that like when i was touring europe i was i'd just written some new stuff and then i opened the show and like you start with such a pop of but it's a fresh pop because You're like, this is my new toy.

31:01That I was performing the rest of the show with such a level of excitement. And then I would get off, and the people that like the tour crew would be like, they're like, man, you're having so much fun out there. And you're like, yeah. And you know why? Because of the first five minutes of the show. That carried me through the hour. And then there's like, you realize in those moments, you're like, well, anytime I feel stale, what I need to do is that. I need to like try something new. Yeah. That's what it is. You know, it's, and like, it kind of applies to life too, right? People who get like, oh, I'm bored.

31:35I'm like, you got to try something. That's true. Yeah. If you're bored, if you, with your spouse in the bedroom, if you're bored with your buddy and you're just sitting somewhere. You got to order a toy. Yeah. You got to order. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got to turn on the thing that like it goes around under, like it, it, it's like cinches the top of your ball bag. And then there's the other part on your, on your dick. and so you got two clamps going down. Oh, yeah. I mean, that'll change you and your friends. Oh, yeah, dude. Like, relationship. For sure. You and that black guy that are doing the sleepover, you're going to have the best night.

32:08Dude, I remember one of the first times I realized that black and white people were different when we were riding in a truck, in the back of a truck somewhere. And our basketball coach was taking us somewhere to probably do work for him for free because he was kind of like that. And we got to a stop sign. He'd been going like 50 miles an hour. And my black buddy, this kid, Mike, he goes, what's it like to have your hair blow in the wind? That's what he asked me. Yeah. That's a good one. I was like, wow, that's interesting. It takes you a second, right? You're like, what? And then you're like, oh, yeah.

32:42You're just kind of moves all together. Yeah, it was just interesting. Yeah. You got a dent in your shit right now, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, yeah. Yeah, you have like a fucking twig. You need to go see someone to reset everything.

33:01Yeah, I'm trying to think of what else has been interesting going on. Did you guys, you got into fitness a lot recently, huh? Yeah, I mean, on the last tour, you know what happened was that like, I always like do it somewhat. Right, because you guys have done that Sober October for a while. But even like before that, it was always like, I mean, that would be another time, but I would get like to a certain point and then I would have the mentality of like, oh, I got there. Like, it's almost like the race is over. Like, I'm done. Like, now I'm good. Like 10 times or more. And so what happens is when you go like, I'm done, you just kind of retreat back to old habits and you get out of shape.

33:47And then all of a sudden you're like, oh, fuck, how did this happen again? and then you you go i'm gonna do it again and then you go all right i'm gonna work out and eat clean and then you lose weight and you start to get and then you go oh i did i got to this number again all right i feel and then you just kind of pull back and so it really was that i got frustrated by that and i had this i had i had gotten i was i was on tour and um we were working out on tour but not really like dialed in on food. And the tour was like aggressive, like nonstop. And I remember that I got back to LA to shoot this thing.

34:25I was shooting this pilot I had written and I was covering the whole production. And I remember I was in the wardrobe fitting for it and I was like, shit, this is like, I feel like I'm going back, like in the fitting the clothes. I was like, oh, this sucks. and then I left there like after that week and I was like I have to take this more seriously but the difference is is that I no longer go if I see a number that I like on a scale that means I'm good it's just I realized that you have to do it like that there is no end there right it's just continuous right it's like it's something that you just if it's about goals you just have to set new goals.

35:12You can't go like, oh, if I see this number, I'm at the weight I like. You have to set new fitness goals. You have to go, well, this month is about cardio stuff, or this month I want to see if I can do 200 pushups a day. You have to set goals. That's what I mean. So that's what happened for you. Had you been doing that before in your life setting? I mean, I know we have sometimes subconsciously, we set goals we don't realize, and we have some of that going on in our general life but had you ever done it that specifically before we were like I'm gonna set a goal uh I kind of loosely I would say you know like hey this month let's go let's go after this type of thing and yeah things like like in sober October but this was also the time where I was like you know this really as like cliche as it sounds can be like a lifestyle change and now I realized how much I am affected, not just physically, mentally, emotionally, and in a good way, by my working out a lot and waking up, getting myself together, going to the gym right away.

36:17And I'm like, I'm just having a better day. I'm just happier. I'm moving around better. I look better. I feel like I have better creative days. you know like it's all kind of tied together yeah it's it's tied together so i just made it like part of what i do it's like you know i just i i know that i want to eat certain types of food that are good for me and by the way i'm not saying this like i am the most strict dude and don't ever but i'm just like there's just so much more oh yeah clean eating yeah and um and i like that i like the workouts i like it you know i like being active and i just feel like i'm very fortunate in that i have a full-time trainer so like i'm i know i'm i'm not right not everybody has that i totally understand that it's a huge advantage so sometimes people will be like yeah of course you can do that if you i'm like yeah that's i'm i'm very lucky that i can do it but you also just have to want that in your life yeah and we've been having a buddy that goes with you to the gym that used to be one of the funnest times when i was young dude we would go and we used to do steroids back in the day and really what would what kind of steroids would you do oh dude test 200 400 we might have done a fucking 1100 they came out with for like fucking a couple like i got i take some tests though do you what are you vitamin t oh yeah yeah yeah yeah we would do it yeah what are you doing the butt cheek yeah yeah it's almost gets kind of fun i hate to say that and i don't want but see I take a moderate dose though.

37:50Right. I was like, oh, this is going to be wild. And they're like, not with what we give you. Oh yeah. Like they're like, like one of the guys was like, oh, he's like, how much you taking? And I tell him, he goes, that ain't shit. He goes, I would take three times that amount in one session. I was like, what? But he was also a bodybuilder. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I mean, that's not, I'm not trying to do that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just want to be recover more. Yeah. and it makes me I remember oh well I took I also tried a testosterone that was like I saw on the internet you know I fell into one of those deals one night and you know I bought like a couple weird shirts on Facebook and next you know I'm buying like tests from some company who's mailing it right yeah yeah and they mailed it with like some eye and like a fucking like that's when you know shit is a little weird when they're mailing you all the needles and the ice and stuff yeah oh yeah yeah and I tried that for a while made some of my hair fall out really yeah Yeah, I noticed that that was a bad side effect from it, which was a little scary.

38:50Was it affecting aggression? People always talk about roid rage and shit. Like, were you snapping? It made me want to hump. No. Yeah. It made me want to fucking hump, dude. I'll fuck a mailman. I felt like a damn doll, you know? Yeah, really? Oh, God. I found myself running to the edge of the fence if the mail guy would drive off. I had a guy, a friend of mine that was in college that was juicing. and the way that he would snap after a while, I was like, yo, like this guy is about to fucking rip somebody's arm out of its side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was, and I was like, oh, okay, I'm seeing this firsthand.

39:26It was pretty nutty. You know, he's just fucking, all the time I was like, holy fuck. Oh, there was nothing like juicing back in the day, dude. My buddy and I met this fellow who's a homosexual and he was a prize fighter, right? Uh-huh. And nobody knew he was. He was just like he'd grown up fighting and then so then people would just think he was gay and around then he'd beat the shit out of somebody. That's a fucking perfect combo. It was an insane combo, right? People weren't ready for it. Like you're saying like people want to put you in one box. Sure, if you're a fighter, you can't be gay.

39:56Never had seen it. Yeah. So we became buddies. We're both bus boys and we became buddies and we started shooting up and we'd pull over on the side of the interstate and stuff like that and just douse each other up and we're just driving around. just um it was right around when princess diana had died too and it was just a fucking lot but i remember we would do a bunch of steroids and i remember the first day i was in class where i guess the teacher had given me like every quarter she had this stack of papers and she would turn them all back to the students she gave me the stack and i'd had the stack before and it was usually kind of heavy in my hands yeah and i just remember like she gave me the stack and i was like oh isn't that funny you remember the weight of it yeah but this is like oh this is light there's light work baby yeah this is light work yeah yeah so i remember walking around with this stack and i was like oh i'm a fucking different guy yeah it's a good feeling and then i was doing all kind of shit and i would buy shit that wasn't even star wars that people would tell me it was and i was fucking a diarrhea for like three months one time horribly i put some i mean there's still some stuff i took some kind of like i think some illegal oils or whatever there was some things that i wish i hadn't taken you know probably but at that time where it was so rare to get it one time somebody we all went to mexico for um school year thing or something end of school and people bought it back in shampoo bottles so then you were fucking doing this sudsy bubbly fucking really yeah like you felt like slippery all the time but you were still doing i wish i remember being scared to try in high school yeah and there was a couple dudes that were doing it in high school which i thought was like because back then for me like all you'd heard was like uh lyle alzado oh yeah he died yeah and you're like hey steroids and i was like oh steroids are like the worst and then there's a couple kids like 16 year old kids you know on steroids and one of them looked like a fuck like it looked like a bodybuilder he had a man's a muscular man's body and you kind of were like that'd be fucking pretty nice this guy's like i mean just fucking yeah but i still was like nah if i do that i'll die like that's what i thought you know like i so i just i wouldn't do it and then this dude went to college and got on i saw him on a break and i was like i mean he looked like a gorilla i was like wow what are you he's like they got on this shit called Darth Vader.

42:25And I was like, that's, I see it. Like, I was like, I fucking see it, dude. He was fucking so jacked. I remember he went to Florida State. Yeah, that was, that was that nature. Remember they had that movie that came out about Florida State? Yeah, yeah. They were doing the drugs, man. Yeah. I think there was something, it was definitely, it was big, it was big to get, if you could get on some roids and then like, yeah, you would get a girl who was like always just afraid you were going to beat or some of those women, you know, like. Perfect. girlfriend yeah yeah like she'd be like don't beat me she'd write that at the end of every like love letter or whatever and you hadn't even thought about it yeah you know but they get your wheels turned it was some of the she sees what you do to tables and windows and shit she's like oh fuck yeah yeah yeah dude there was a couple times where i fucking snapped man where you would be shocked at some of your own behaviors you know and then your strength matches your anger and you're just able to do something insane you know were you doing like traditional lifts when you were juicing too like bench squat deadlift that kind of stuff yeah a lot of that some rows where you hit crazy crazy numbers on them i probably got to maybe 260 maybe i could bench 245 or 260 which isn't insane but for me it was sure um squats i did okay but i definitely remember and i never thought i looked okay so i really had some deficiency with my own brain yeah i was always like do i seem okay i'd be embarrassed to take my shirt off at places You didn't have that Bert mentality at all.

43:51Oh, no. The unlimited fucking like. I feel like Bert should just turn his stomach, get a nipple put on his, just make a third tit, you know? It's almost there. Like the biggest tit, like the winter tit. Yeah, this is the main tit. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Bro, how sick would that be if you went to see Bert? He's got two nipples and then like a little curtain and he pulls it over. Yeah. And it's like the unveiling. Yeah. God, I saw a lady last night with the craziest tits. Really good or bad or risque? It was just, you know when they were such outrageous tits? Like, she was hot, and they were enormous.

44:28And she was wearing the, you know, the top that goes here. But the top was just above the nipples. So, I mean, just covering. Like, you could almost see the beginning of a nipple. And they were like here. And then she has this little body. And part of you just wants to go like, hey, just why don't you just take a moment in the room and just go, hey, everybody, get used to them. Like, why are we going to pretend like we're gazing past you? Right, yeah. Like, I kept having to pretend. I was like, what's that noise over there? I wasn't looking at a fucking noise. I'm looking at your crazy tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

45:03Your tits are insane. Yeah, is that an owl? Yeah, and then guys are like talking to me about other things. I go, we're going to talk about her tits first. Like, what are you doing? and they're like oh yeah i'm like what do you think we're gonna like gloss over this like her tits are out she has huge tits that are out in the room yeah it is weird not to just bring it up it's like when someone's in a wheelchair and they try to pretend they're not in a wheelchair oh my god please like and tell me some shit how do you go to the bathroom yeah you know like i want to know or like almost hit my head on that door frame it's like no you didn't no you didn't yeah give me a couple lines about what it's like i'm gonna tell you shit like i'm gonna be like hey let's race like let's have a little fun with this yeah we had uh who came out oh uh the undertaker came out to the show last night dude which is pretty crazy dude i went to his house no yes i think he heard he has a beautiful home he was just describing some of it not like in a braggy way just saying that they lived here he is you talk to him for a while yeah really nice the nicest like one of the nicest guys i've ever met him and his wife and she had some bangers on her and i shouldn't say that out loud i mean this is the damn undertaker we're talking to who works for death where was it is this at the uh this is at the paramount at the paramount yeah uh you had ron there too yeah it was nice man that's awesome man god ron looks great for i mean ron is like 48?

46:27I think he's a little older. He looks fucking great. He looks great. That head of hair, too. God, you almost want to fucking scalp him. Dude, you do. You might get there. You might have that one day. We'll see, man. Full head of white hair is pretty fucking cool, dude. I would love that. He is the coolest. No, I went over to to it's so crazy to say it, The Undertaker's house.

46:52And like He was like, come on. It was just to check out a piece of workout equipment. And the people that I was talking to, I was like, I'd like to, they're like, do you want this thing? I go, I'd like to try it before I go, I want this thing. And then they go, we could like, I have another client that, you know, would let you. Has one? I go, okay. And then they just like in a text, they're like, hey, Tom, this is Mark. He has it. And I was like, what's up, Mark? And then like a separate text came in. They're like, just so you know, Mark is the undertaker. I was like, oh, okay, good to know. And then I just go over there and he just couldn't be like more gracious.

47:27Oh, he's wearing an apron and everything. I mean, he was like, here's a muffin. He was just like, no, but he was like, and then he was just like, yeah, try whatever you want. And gave us like the full tour. And then he was like, well, it was a real pleasure meeting you. And I was like, same. And then later on I go, thanks a lot for, you know, allowing us. And he sent like the most gracious text of like, it was an absolute pleasure to welcome you into my home. I was like, what the fuck is this, man? Like this is wild. But death will sneak you like that too. That's what death would do. That's true.

48:02It would. It would kind of taunt you. Yeah. Yeah. It seduce you. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe I should watch out. I mean, it's. On the round mark. Yeah, because if people bet on you or Bert to die, people would go, Bert, huh? of course yeah of course it looks worse every day but i wonder what a parlay would he be like yeah i just feel like bloated red you know growing head his head keeps growing which is crazy his head is swelling yeah that's the part that's the smart money but then like that guy that owns that mattress company he'd be like i'm gonna put 10 million on time Tom. Like, you know, like he'd take the risk.

48:45Dude, that guy lives in Texas. You guys should get that guy. Like, who's going to die? He'd be like, 1 ,000 % Tom. Because the vet's going to take probably at least a semi-decent amount of time. Yeah, that's true. He's too old for that bet, I think. I don't know. It'd be interesting. I mean, if you bet the under on Bert, I think you could see some money this, you know. Yeah. You could see some money by 2028. But yeah, that MRI on Bert must just come back all fucking like the first part of the as appetizers you're like how is this this that report as appetizers he was doing the thing that people do who are you know who don't live healthy and are scared which he was like avoiding um like blood work and stuff oh yeah i was like dude you got to do it he's avoiding avoiding and then he did it and you could see like he was like fidgeting and shit and you're like what is going on he's like just waiting for the phone call about my blood work i don't know and then you're like oh fuck like this you know and honestly like all joking aside you could be like you're like this might be like a serious call you get right and like then i just he facetimes me and he's like what's up bro and i was like what's going he's like just got the phone everything's fucking great and i was like wait what and he was like the doctor told me to go celebrate with a drink i go your doctor says that like what kind of doctor is this did you meet them at a strip mall like he's like he's like i'm good to go and i was like i don't know man i'm gonna give you the number of another doctor.

50:10Yeah, he was just like celebrating good blood work. There's a Baskin Robbins in the distance of the FaceTime. Doctors don't go drink it up tonight.

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54:39Yeah, really sad. They don't realize that just like the idea of sex, the fantasy of it would be like enough for a long time. And then you're exposed to things where you're like, whoa, shit. And that's when it starts. That's when you can really make a knock on that it's bad to have access to anything and everything. I remember seeing like erotic art and being like oh this is actually pretty cool there's like these really great accounts on Instagram you realize if you like you see them you're letting your mind do the thing yeah and it's actually pretty cool I think it's it's actually a much healthier oh yeah to do I've ruined a lot of myself with pornography it's yeah I mean like and I I'm I'm very careful when I say it because I, I never like to bash them.

55:28No. Like I, I feel like they're, they're, you know, I know people in that industry. It's a great industry. It's a lot of great people. There's a lot of great people in there, but I do feel like there's like anything, everything requires some, some balance. Yeah. And like you can go overboard on anything, on food and drinking and definitely on pornography or something. And yeah, I just feel like it's, it's much better for you if you're young. I would be like you know if you're in that age where you want to like explore that and you're when I say young I just mean like oh yeah you know you're getting into your sexual exploration like man try erotic art and see what it does for your brain like let your brain tell you stories yeah because just like having this access to and like just your search words and just seeing it play out it's like what'll happen is like it's actually it's not a theory your brain starts to, with time, reduce the dopamine levels that you're feeling.

56:29Like you get a dopamine drip from that stuff. But because all you have to do is type in what you like, then when you see it, you're like, oh, here's a little less. Right. And then the next search, you get a little less of it. And then pretty soon, the thing that was exciting to you, it doesn't even give you a thrill. That's why you hear people, they go, I had to raise the stakes. Yeah. I had to raise the stakes. I had to raise the stakes. and they just keep raising and getting crazier with it. Getting weird, yeah. Because if it's too easy to access, you're not going to feel the excitement. You're not going to feel the rush.

57:00I mean, when we were coming up as teens and stuff, I mean. Oh, Peep and Tommen was popular. Oh, dude. You just like. You can see something. I mean, your sister's friends would come over. Oh, my God. Just seeing them lay around by the pool or just hang out and watching a television on the couch, She would be like, this is the most exciting thing that's ever happened. Oh, yeah. Dude, I remember a girl asked me to hold her necklace while she swam one time. And I fucking masturbated like three times. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because I just had never even held something of a woman's for a while. I totally understand.

57:37I remember going to some girl's birthday party or something. And she invited all the kids from the class or whatever. And we would all run into her sister's room and try to find her underpants and stuff. I remember sitting there. I don't even know how old or such. I might have been kind of like, we shouldn't be in here, you know? Oh, yeah. But it was still like just being kids and like, I remember hiding in my buddy's hamper at his house just to smell his mother's bras. And I'd hide in there for a fucking hour and just huff those cups. Smell, yeah. I bet that smell was. God, it just fucking. Do you still remember that smell?

58:15I remember the color of the hamper. It was like a green color. They don't even make anymore. Yeah. it was like an old green, almost like the color of the Wonder Years car, like the car that they had. It was like an old kind of pukish green almost that they wouldn't even mark it anymore. And it was just, God, but it was... And it's just like, see, those are just little moments. Yeah, but now it's just like you put in something next thing you know. And I think nowadays, by the time you're 17, you don't even care about sex. You're like seeing it all. You have no fucking desire. That's no fun, dude.

58:48It's not good for you. No, it's horrible. Yeah, it's horrible. What else we got? Anything in the news? Yeah, we're looking at this. The world's dirtiest man died. Oh, I remember this guy. And is that blackface or not? It's a little bit. I mean, he had not bathed with water or soap for over 60 years. Wow. Yeah, read that caption. I guess he would smoke a pipe filled with animal excrement, and he believed that cleanliness would make him ill. Dude, that's pretty interesting. Because maybe cleanliness is what's killing us. Too much. Too much. If you think about in the history of human beings, it's only in the last, I mean, not even 100 years.

59:39Less than that. It's probably in the last, I don't know, 60 or something years that human beings were like, hey every day maybe twice a day right with autism too they're saying yeah like a lot of autism could be called by uh caused by metals and different soaps and things like that yeah because this dude doesn't look like he has autism uh from this photo i can't tell but he um i remember seeing this dirty i mean i wonder too do you think there's just a level where you just stop smelling like you know i mean like a couple weeks in you're like you smell like shit man right yeah but then after like i don't know 30 years you're just probably like yeah it just kind of evens out right yeah yeah yeah like he maybe doesn't i bet you he tastes real bad but i bet you the smell just kind of it hit a level that your butt it's just trying to tell you a signal stay away from this yeah when people can plant things on your back that's probably a crazy time for somebody you know wonder what i'd want to be the world's what is man did you ever have a uh guinness book of records did you ever have a record you wanted to try and get even something small to you so fascinated by that for there's an age group where you're like an age range oh i was in that way that was the biggest when that book came out at the book fair whatever it was like oh dude somebody did this remember the chinese kids all hanging off the bicycle yeah it was like one guy had like 40 Chinese people on his bike.

1:01:09There's so many weird. Now they're even like, they're so insane. I remember, and also it's funny, my seven-year-old has the, because they release books now of it, like each year. He's like fascinated by it. Just like, oh, the world record. Yeah. But I was watching their account and this is, I was like, okay, this shows you where it's at now. It was the guy attempting to break the world record for the most pine needles broken at one time. and so he was hanging from like by his by one hand and he's jumping into a box of pine needles and you're like you guys are crediting this but that's when you're that's when you're like i just need to be in the book i just want to be you know but that makes you realize that we could definitely just come up with one where they'll be like yeah there's no record for that yet yeah like i mean dude you and bert should get a guinness record we should get a record you're right that is true It's got to be a tandem thing.

1:02:07It would be interesting. Yeah. I feel like I could see you guys getting something very unique. It's got to be. But like that pine needles thing is so dumb and unimportant and not hard. Like that's not hard to do. Like, you know what I mean? It's not like if you heard, you'd be like, damn, I could never do that. Like, you know, you can do that. Yeah. I want you guys to meet Larry or, you know, and we did all the pine needles. I used to have like when I was younger, like crazy flexibility with my index finger. That's pretty good. And then I used to be able to like lay it flat against my hand. Oh, wow.

1:02:39You know? And I, and I remember having the illusion in my mind that, that in some way, this will get me in the book in some way. Like this, like I could, I could go like, like lay flat. That's really good. I'll be that little trebuchet or I'll do something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll work for a castle or something. But I was actually, I think as little, as like young boys, we were just fascinated by like, just remember like Robert Wadlow, like the tallest guy ever. I was like, oh shit. Yes, I remember seeing pictures of him. He's like 8 '11". And then there was like the fattest guy. He's like, I don't know, like 800 pounds.

1:03:10Like anything that was like, this is a huge person. I was like, that's, yeah. Yeah, that was him right there. God, he's from Illinois, I think, wasn't he? Was he? I'm just guessing, but he seems like they grow some long stuff out there. They sure do. I would hate that, man. That's the worst. You would never want to be, everybody wants to be taller. You don't want to be that tall. Yeah, he was from Illinois. Alton. And was it eight something? Was he like eight? Look at him with his family down there on the left. Yeah, he was eight foot 11. Yeah, eight 11. Do you think about that for a second? That this dude is nearly two feet taller than Shaq.

1:03:53Wow. Two feet taller than him. Look at how strange it would have been. Yeah. To be that. yeah it seems like i mean they're at they are at perfect blowjob height but it's still like it's not what you want now that would be interesting right to stand there and have someone and they're standing as well i think it would feel very informed like or just natural more natural than somebody having to get down on their knees you having to lay down like oh here i am here you are a girl told me that she dated um a very well-known nba player who was really tall and um she was like yeah i could just blow him standing up i was like wow wow that's got to be interesting i was like everybody's proud of you yeah yeah yeah what a great memory yeah think about what he's done and what you've done it's pretty incredible yeah yeah yeah he's got a couple rings and you remember standing up to blow them.

1:04:57Oh, sake. Yeah, there's definitely something about it. It would almost be like using a water fountain that you didn't have to bend over to use. Yeah, exactly. How nice would that be? You just go, and it just shoots right down your mouth. It'd be a lot. Garth Brooks. What happened? Oh, yeah, I saw this. Garth Brooks is, he's going to have Bud Light at his bar, Tommy. Yeah, he's not going to. He's refusing to ban it. That's hilarious. Yeah. Wow. is right down here. I know it sounds corny. I want it to be the Chick-fil-A of Honky Tonks about his new bar in Nashville. I want it to be a place you feel safe in.

1:05:36I want it to be a place where you feel like there are manners and people like one another. And he added something there. Yes, we're going to serve every brand of beer. We just are. It's not our decision to make. Well, yeah, it is your decision to make. our thing is this if you are into this house love one another if you're an asshole there are plenty of other places on lower Broadway shots fired kind of and there it is Dylan Mulvaney they're going to get in there do you want to hear something that I just heard so I've talked about him quite a bit about Garth Brooks I know you guys have had some issues and I found out first I got word about a year ago from like a like a hundred percent reliable source sounds seems good um that um i was like does he know and they're like oh yeah yeah he knows and i was like is he upset and they're like he's just like doesn't get it like doesn't know why you're talking about him i was like okay and then recently i guess uh so he just blocked me on instagram oh um and i was like uh oh it's finally he finally blocked me you know uh and then the person another person told me they go yeah i heard this person said to me that they heard from a reliable source that when my name comes up to him that he on his phone shows the video of me playing basketball and falling and he goes karma karma yeah and i was like that's fucking pretty amazing wow that a serial killer is finding it in their heart to say karma for the other person like this man has i mean people are saying this man is responsible for hundreds of missing people and he's gonna say that it's karma Well, yes, somebody matched up.

1:07:39I saw something where they matched up his tour dates with missing people. That's the premise of this idea. People are saying that I'm trolling the guy. All I'm doing is repeating what I've heard, that allegedly his tour schedule aligns with dozens of missing persons. Oh, well, that's... It's just something that at least you would bring up and talk. It's like, why do people talk about UFOs? you know why do why why have the conversation about something in the like well because people are saying that that could be a visitor from another planet right are we not going to have even a conversation about it right if if 75 people are missing and they're all in cities that like he's been in i mean it's it's it's logical to say well okay and look at him there you're telling me I'm not saying he's done anything.

1:08:34But that's the smile and the stare of a guy who has never done anything illegal. I don't know. And how much land he has, too. So much land. You wouldn't even know if somebody was missing or if you'd put somebody somewhere or not. So much land. He's the Easter Bunny of bodies, kind of. Oh, yeah. And here's the thing. You're so beloved. Oh, yeah. No one would see it. Imagine the authorities, too. They'd be like, I'm sorry. We were, this is crazy, but we actually had a dog that can smell, you know, a corpse. And it was on your property, and it just went crazy. And then he'd be like, I don't, I'm Garth Brooks.

1:09:18Yeah. And they're like, you're right. You're right. Sorry. We're going to head on out. You don't know what we were thinking. You signed this for my son. Yeah, exactly. The dog actually had a seizure on your property. Never had a smell like that in its life. My son actually went missing on your property In case he comes back Will you sign this for him? Sign his guitar? Yeah Appreciate you G That's it man I um Yeah do you think Has there been like a really interesting guest that came out I know Brad Pitt came out to one of your shows Which had to have been really insane That was really insane That was really insane Is it almost a Is it a bummer meeting people that like Because once you meet him, you kind of have met him.

1:10:02Is there something about that? I think that probably can happen. But then there's people where you're like, that was awesome. And they're either as cool or cooler than your brain imagines. Yeah. He was like that. He was rad. He was really cool. And there was so much excitement because they go, he's coming. And then security came to check out the place. Really? Yeah, yeah. just like not a big team but just like you know it's something i mean honestly somebody in his position should have that that's a good point because basically i asked i was like so what do you do like he's like well if i see that like a place is a problem i'll just be like i don't think you should come here yeah you know like a club or like a restaurant or like this is not good area or and he's like you know he's just like seeing where where things are and he's like so i just i'm like his advanced guy it was like it was pretty low-key honestly but then they were like Yo, Brad just parked.

1:10:59Everybody was like that. And then he came in. He just couldn't have been nicer. And talked to introduce. The funniest was when a very famous person was like, hey, I'm Brad. And everyone was like, yeah, I know. But he was just super nice. And I thought a lot of times I've had other notable people. And what they do is they leave during something. Famous people go. They just kind of disappear. year he stayed the whole show came back after the show um he was enjoying it he enjoyed it and then um that was it was a lot of fun then uh i ran into well i ended up befriending uh jason momoa aquaman oh yeah in in new zealand wow and that was really fun and i hung out with him for another day y 'all swam or anything no we we went to a bar and we hung out with like i don't know a group for like 10 hours.

1:11:55Dang. But he couldn't have been like, he's a real down to earth guy. Yeah. We met at the hotel gym. No, that's cool. He was like, I'll crouch down. He'd make you look taller. I was like, cool, man. Oh, you look pretty happy right there. It was fun. We had a fun time. Yeah, you know, and then Izzy came out in Auckland too. I feel like he comes out. He's a really special guy. He's a cool man. There's something really interesting about him. There's something really amazing about New Zealanders in general. There is. There is. Yeah. And I think he has a really, fighters are fascinating to sign up for that lifestyle.

1:12:33You know what I mean? Yeah. To be like, I'm going to do battle for a living. That was two tours. That was like in 2019. But yeah, he came again in this most recent tour. And I just enjoy the guy's energy, you know, just being around him. 100%. just being around them and very inspirational whether he wins or loses they're very inspirational a lot of these fighters are like that there's something about a lot of them whether they win or lose because you just value so much that they even could do it because they're they're actually really putting it's you know what it is like inherently human beings we respect stakes and if you're a fighter the stakes are very clear like you're you're putting your your physical body on the line to win or lose.

1:13:19And so everybody, we just respect the fact that you're going to punch and kick to your fucking face and this could have real lasting effects. So we just respect it so much. But I like that dude's energy and I do find it inspiring to be around him. I like him a lot. Yeah, there's something real special about him. I was trying to think if I had anything else I wanted to ask you. Zach, anything coming ahead? um we're watching this video this like short guy standing up to these dudes in a parking garage what do you think

1:13:59this is a tough guy right here oh somebody's black

1:14:14Get up out of here, bro. Get in your car and go. Could be on this dumb ass shit. Security trying to save you. Ben trying to save you. Leave. God bless you, man. Get in your car and get up out of here, man. God bless you, man.

1:14:27God bless you, man. Just go ahead and get in the car and make a home safe, man. Isn't that how good he feels right now? I'm so good, dude. Fucking Lee Syatt is like, I fucking took this shit down. Make it home safe, buddy. Damn, dude, Lee Syatt, bro. How fucked up did Joey Diaz get that guy? Oh, my God. How is there not a call to a welfare line? Can I tell you something, too? Because I love Joey Diaz, but he was actually like a virus to that man. Like, do you know what has happened to Lee since partying? He lost 150 pounds. Not an exaggeration. 150 pounds. He's like, oh, free of Joey? He just totally has blossomed.

1:15:09Look at him. Oh, my God, dude. He looks good. He looks exactly like the guy we just saw in the last video. Yeah, he does, dude. Holy shit. Look at him. Congrats to Lee. Yeah, Joey. You're not doing well enough, Lee. You need another couple 2 ,000 milligrams, dude. Lee's wearing floaties. I've never seen somebody so high. they had floaties on and here's the thing lee couldn't say anything so he would be like i'd be like lee and he'd go yeah i was like are you all right he's like oh and he could like he'd forget to like click he was just sitting there snoring sitting down like like snoring in his seat and then joey's like look at this fucking idiot he's like you know what he does all day he watches sports center i hear his phone go dun dun dun dun get your fucking shit together i'm like you are crippling this man.

1:15:58Sports center is all he can handle. He's working an enterprise rental now, dude. He's fucking doing good. Wow, yeah. There should be a documentary one day made on Joey and Lee and like coming back together where they meet at a park by a lake. Is this them recently? That might be an old picture. It was nothing like those two. They were like who was a better name? A better comedy duo. You know what this is like, though? This is like the the guy on the left, Lee, gets locked up in prison with the veteran. You know, the guy that's been locked up. That's what their relationship was like. Here's what you're going to do, all right?

1:16:36You stay away from the blacks. You mind your business. You shower when I shower. And then you eat this shit. It's just like in another dimension. Yeah, brother. 84 ounces of Alfredo. Dude, he would melt his brain. Unreal. He would melt his brain. Dude, it was a time, one of my favorite times ever, when I got there there was look at that fucking pillow somebody made have you done have you seen the one have you seen the one on um where Lee is a like he falls asleep alone on on the show yeah I think he's like he's working it and then he's like and he comes to he's like oh fuck like he just it's it's I've watched it he's so fucking high that he falls asleep and wakes himself up and he's like i don't even know what's happening i don't know if he's like he's streaming or something like on twitch i don't know what but it's on youtube and it's it is it's so amazing it's like lee dude the best one time i went in and there was a squeal in the headphones when i went in yeah i was like lee there's some feedback or something by the end two and a half hours later this lee was like this he was the squeal yeah and we had gone full fucking circle yeah kick that mule lee look And listen, listen to the audio.

1:17:55He's broadcasting right now. Oh, damn, dude.

1:18:06He's fucking out of his mind, dude. That's a good place. And that's just, that is, if Joey is really close to you, this happens to you. Oh, yeah. When he drugged me, he fucking tricked me. He's done it a couple times, but the worst one was when I was in Miami. And he told me I was taking a 10. And it just fucking ruined two days of my life, right? Like two days of my life. And I mean, I was like just, I mean, I was crying and shit. Oh, yeah. I was on a flight with him. Oh. oh and he's like oh you need you need you need a you need a baby xanax right now it's like for what he goes even you out i'm like i don't think this is the fucking formula you need a chewable son yeah get a chewable and i go dude and when i finally like recovered i called i was like what the fuck dude he goes you needed it i go i needed what you needed a reset and i go why did i need one he's like it's good for you i saw what was happening like this kind of thing what was happening he's like nah you know you were getting you know a little it's good now now you're ready to go i'm like ready to go where am i going yeah i'm at a gray house yeah man i'm i was fine he's like no no no i did you it was fun i go for who he is dude he's the best salesman bro yeah he just says like these little and he says it with his like little phrase doing great yeah yeah and you're like that yeah i loves you buddy yeah and you're like good now you get back to chopping up vinegar and carrots and you're like the fuck are you talking about man what about that owen benjamin and all he's fucking lost his mind, huh?

1:19:44He'll say shit like that and then fucking just disappear, dude. Unreal. Un-fucking-real, dude. Look, if that doesn't do it, I don't know what does. Tom Segura, thanks for hanging out with us, man. Yeah, it was a lot of fun, man. Yeah, same here, dude. I'd love to come back on Two Bears sometime. That was a blast, bro. Let's do it. Let's do it. All right, thank you so much, man. All right, buddy. Thank you.

1:20:12That was great, man. Yeah, it was great.