E452 Door to Door

32:20Yeah, I think I feel like since there's more people that have been tuning in that I have to do it perfectly.

32:31So, and that's okay. It's a normal probably thing that people feel that way.

32:39yeah sorry i'm just taking you guys through i guess some of my thoughts right now but i i you know i can't i i i i can't do it perfectly

32:50you know i can't do it perfectly so i can't i have to be careful not to leave myself in that space where i'm putting that much pressure on myself um yeah uh so i'm just gonna do it to you know to the best of my ability that's what i'm gonna do and i know it's easy for me to say that but yeah for some reason i just have a lot of that feeling like i just have i think that's that's some of the nervousness that that is have feel like this feeling of just that i have to do this perfectly and that's um i don't know what that is but it's uh it feels like a pressure and I know nobody's putting that pressure on me.

33:34It's just in my own head and some of that was probably natural, but I just wanted to speak that out loud so I'm just conscious of what I'm feeling instead of just feeling something and not trying to know what it is. But let's get into some calls, man. We had some that came in. As always, the hotline is 985-664-9503, the Baja. I've been working on that Jesse Ventura down in the Baja soda. Baja. In the Baja soda. Minnesota. Yeah. And you want to know why? And you want to know why? Yeah. In Baja. Do, re, mi, baja, la, ti, do. Got this pug shirt on. I'm keyed up, boy. Damn, son. I'll pee behind your cousin's house, dog, with this shirt on.

34:39That's who I am, bro. I'll run up and just start humping your leg, baby. That's what happens on me. With this shirt on, anything's possible. You got to identify whatever you want. That's the thing. Bro, you could, you know You could chase a Somebody's fucking You could chase a squirrel And nobody say nothing to you That's the power of the pug shirt That's the power of the pug shirt, baby Let's get into a couple calls here This is Garland Drake I'd like to talk to you Because you're one of my favorite comedians thank you garland dreck um appreciate the call brother and thank you for the nice words man let's hear more my phone number is 270 893 55 shit i remember my number man 270 893 270 270.

35:51Fuck. 55. 893. 893. 270. Fuck. What's up, man? Hold on, man. Yeah, and that's... There you go. Well, we tried our best, Garland. We tried our best there, brother. and thank you uh again for the nice words and that's where that look that's the age we live in now people don't remember their phone number that's the time we live in people do not know their phone numbers um what else we got here hey theo uh recently i was at the obgyn the ladies doctor um i recently miscarried and you know you have to go for a couple appointments afterward and i happen to have been listening to your and Stavros' podcast and the doctor overheard where you prefer to call the ladies parts Cooter.

37:12Oh, yeah. Cooter, baby. I know what you're saying. And that's... Yeah, because Cooter... You know, people know what it is, but you could also pretend, hey, it could be something else, you know? Oh, man. we were we just saw a cooter run by here you know well look what is that a cooter you know you could always pretend oh damn my cousin you just got attacked by a cooter um yeah just there's i think you know it's still enough of the masking where you don't have to you know say uh You know what I'm talking about. So, onward. Instead of the other word that starts with a P. Yeah, and I just said it too.

38:05I'm going to say it again real quick. I'm going to pretend like I'm not saying it. Okay, onward. And she thought that it was absolutely one of the funniest things she had ever heard. and then she asked what you would prefer to call the male equivalent and I realized I didn't know what you would prefer to call it. That deaf leopard, homie. That's what I call it. That deaf leopard, baby. That skeet pony. You know what I'm saying?

38:44That bust knuckle. I think those are good terms for it that sperm randle they'll call it sometimes daddy got that sperm randle on him what else people call it that batter twig somebody say let me break you off a little something let me break you off half a tablespoon out this batter twig so I think those are a couple I would say wiener as well you know

39:21I think people say wiener and I think wiener is good you can say it near children if you yell it at somebody too suck my wiener it almost seems like oh this guy kind of means it because everybody says SMD right but if you say suck my wiener I think people are more into it What else? I watched that Joey Chestnut, that guy, that Frank, that fucking, that dude is a damn Frank pony, huh? Gosh. And that dude just, he's that real boner homie. He'll throw them, he'll just guzzle them Franks. God, how many gay dudes watch the Nathan's hot dog eating contest? I mean, it must be, it must be like the, when people do those Game of Thrones viewing parties, there's no way that in gay culture, that isn't a huge thing.

40:27That should be on pay-per-view. at every gay club I feel like there's no it should be the biggest night at the gay club it's like the Super Bowl it feels like some dude right yammering down 67 francs bro that'll I mean that'll I think if you are gaying around I think that will excite you? I would think so.

41:06So, anyway, just thinking, I don't even know what I'm talking about. But yeah, that's what I think I would call it probably. And I think I would call it probably Wiener. That cooter bridge too. Because a lot of times if you're making love to somebody and you look down, your Wiener just looks like a bridge between you and Cooter. You know, if you even had like little characters, you could put them on it. A hunting wee will go. A hunting wee. Or, you know, I don't know what. You could do different music, I guess. But yeah, Joey Chestnut, damn, he rumbled down in Franks, boy. and then he's wet. He's just like, it's all in his shirt and chest.

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45:16Dude, it's just been unreal. You know, and it feels, I think,

45:24it feels tough to repay people for the support.

45:32That's, I think, sometimes what feels a little bit tough. It's like, man, how will I be able to be as supportive to this person? you know how how can i be as supportive to you who has been who's being supportive to me

45:52um so it's okay it's just in my heart i think some of it will get figured out over time um but yeah i think about that though and i'm just yeah i'm just thankful that you guys have been coming out all types of people damn chicanos americanos uh black folk we've had uh chinese um we've had you know kind of uh you know what i'm talking about um um filipinos we've had everybody all types have come out and we're just grateful for everyone so thank you guys so much and women too and it's just been beautiful a lot of beautiful ladies come out too and men let's see what else we got here hey ceo this is jacob price from south bend indiana uh i know on your podcast you talk a lot about you know what you like about 13 year olds South Bend and I've been over there to Mishawaka as well and I got stuck in a I got stuck in a townhouse with a man who was chain smoking cigars and I got stuck in there for a couple days with him let's hear more I know it's easy to talk about what we like in girls but I was just curious what some of your turn offs are you know Oh, yeah.

47:26Turnoffs, brother. I feel it. And I would say probably chatty. If somebody's just being too chatty, why are they doing it? Don't do it. Orange perfume. If somebody's wearing orange perfume. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it that much. senior citizen perfume a lot of some of you'll have younger women wearing senior citizen perfume i don't understand that you can wear it when you get there you know um i prefer if a woman doesn't work or know the value of work i'm out i like a hard-working woman um now she don't have to have three jobs but i like a woman who just knows the value of work

48:18um what else oh turn off for me can't swim if you can't swim honey i mean the earth is 80 water so if there's you know if there's a tsunami and you trying to get on my back bye bitch i'm doing me i'm doing me you know what i'm saying i you know i ain't your floaty i ain't nobody floaty so yeah if she can't swim i'm out and what else

48:59oh if she has way too many dietary restrictions i'm out i'd love to discuss it more but no I wouldn't I'm out I'm upstairs so I think those are some of the things that I really like that that are some of my things about women you know and if women hate butterscotches if you hate butterscotches baby then I'm out cause I love them I love a damn bee scotch for daddy let's take another call here hey man my name is Angel Bear and I wanted to ask you something what do you think about Colombians oh yeah well they're beautiful I mean most of them are beautiful and all of them are you know I couldn't I believe in Colombians you know I couldn't do it I couldn't do it So when I see him, I see, you know, I couldn't do it, brother.

50:09Colombia.

50:18I'd be upstairs in a one-story house, homie. That's how geeked up on that.

50:26Hey, you been doing cocaine.

50:34Good day. dude I'd snort everything in that damn country boy they call me baby Dyson I'd be at that fucking dude I'll do one 70th of an eight ball out of somebody's out of a big girl's belly button homie that's who I am I'm upstairs yeah that's the thing I couldn't have survived there so when I see a Colombian, you know, I was respectado. Respectado. Because I couldn't have done it, man. I would have got an eight ball for my 12th birthday. I wouldn't even have blown out the candles. I would have just done blow. I would not have blown out the candles. I would have just. They'd have light all the candles I'd be doing, you know.

51:24I'd be off doing, gramming out. I'm like, damn, the cake's burning.

51:30I'd be like my brain is burning I'm on coke so there's a lot of me that's you know that I would that so I commend them when I see them it's just like damn how'd you do it I mean I'd have been so coked up I'd have turned 13 in a week you give me 8 ball for my 12th birthday homie I'll be 13 in a week so I just know that I would not have been able to stay alive. You know, I grew up running a lot of sugar cane, and I did enough of that. So if I was by that snow cane, baby, I'd be a sharecropper, son. I'll fucking do some cocaine now. I will do it. so yeah i just couldn't have done it but i believe in colombians and i commend them and they should if they even make it to 18 i think they should be they should get a free house or free truck small truck but that's just what i think thank you for calling and asking me and caring about what i think is very sweet of you let's see what else we got here Hey Theo My name's Nick I was listening to your podcast with Adam Yeah thank you That was an episode with Adam Devine Who was just in Man I started the movie Outlaws And it's good It's funny I'm looking forward to watching the rest of it He is really funny Man I didn't I knew Adam was funny He's always been very entertaining I just I'm glad I'm getting to see him again.

53:19Yeah, he is just, he's really, he's extremely unique. Onward. And y 'all brought up the topic of Ma, and I have a similar story to that. This lady, you know, when we were 13, she used to buy a beer and shit. You know, she was, she was like 28, 30 years old. and we all thought it was cool but uh she also worked at a cafe in town and they sold really good chicken strips but uh oh yeah yeah man and meeting an older woman is very there's something very erotic about it when you're a child or when you're a teenager or something there's something if you haven't you know once you start getting sexual interest once you start looking through your wiener as that third eye you know, you start seeing the world differently.

54:12And you really do. So, yeah, I could imagine if there was a woman who you felt a connection to and that she also had chicken strips or another good appetizer, that that would be very temptational. Let's hear more. Anyway, she used to get us food and, you know, she'd take us to her house or something. and we'd bang her out or... Oh, okay. Whoa. Surprise right there. I didn't... You really... That took a turn in the thing. Onward? You know, getting nasty. Anyway, I lost my virginity to her for some free chicken strips in the cafe bathroom. And, uh... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, buddy. Well, there's something beautiful about making love at work.

55:06there's something dangerous too about it risque, you know, especially if they had chicken strips, man. There's something very avant-garde about making love near a deep fryer, an active deep fryer, you know, because, you know, if you're doing sex, things can get, you know, there can be level changes, there's, you know, So if you're near an active deep fryer, that bitch, you have one paw that slips off into that thing.

55:46You're playing catch with a dang apple fritter after that. You're going to be living with a damn bear claw on you. So I think there's different ways to do it. then you know you're going to be doing the pledge of allegiance with the damn funnel cake over your for a for a for a hand so that's a thing you could end up real damaged now i'd say this if you fried your hand this would be the craziest thing i bet if you flash fried your hand you're doing you're in the kitchen your hand slips in there how hard would it not be the first thing to just bite into it. Thank you for the call, brother. Appreciate you.

56:27And I hope we could offer you a little bit of thought there. But, dude, I got to see Mel Gibson at the UFC, man. I was so excited. I feel bad sometimes sharing about stuff like that because I feel like it makes me seem like I'm a fancy guy.

56:52Or like that I'm name dropping. But it was just fun. Like it just. Yeah, dude, I can't believe that I got to go again. And yeah, it was just. I mean, it was wild, dude. Mark McGuire was there.

57:14And I love him.

57:19No, Mark Wahlberg. Sorry. Uh, yeah. And then Mel Gibson, dude, Mel Gibson. From the Patriot, brother, aim small, miss small. God, he was there. And I want to see that new documentary that came out that everybody's been talking about. So we'll see if I can get to view that. Let's take a couple more calls. Thank you guys as always 985-664-9503 I'm going to try to do another solo episode soon When I'm feeling a little bit more settled I feel very Like I don't know Frenetic today Or frenetic So I'm not trying to complain I'm just trying to share with how I'm feeling And sometimes it's like I can't even I don't know I'm having trouble even knowing how I'm feeling today This just feels Well fuck It's fucking Monday So what are you going to do even?

58:19um hey Theo I had a question for you I didn't know what you would do me and my wife tried out a threesome with another girl and turns out she likes girls now and then we tried a threesome with another dude and it turns out I kind of like dudes so we're thinking about going our separate ways what would you do well y 'all gay bro you know and that's that's great man you know that you're gay that's because the craziest thing is when people don't know when people don't know they're gay they they find themselves doing stuff and wondering why they're doing it they'll go lay on top of a man or something for a few minutes and like what the fuck are they and they but they don't know it you know sometimes people don't know they're gay and so at least you guys have figured out i believe there's a lot of um kind of uh i don't know if i want to say incoherent gays out there but people that are gay that do not know they are gay they're almost like ghost like ghost gays or whatever but I think more incoherent gays because they are gay but they do not know it

59:56you know you have a man you put him in a wiener shed or whatever he'll sit in there for four fucking hours but then he'll come out talking about his wife but he ain't thinking hey why i've been in there for four hours and that wiener said boy that's gay and boy so congratulations uh gations congratulations brother i'm happy for you guys um what else my buddy ernest fell off the stage i don't know if you saw this it's a great tiktok uh it was morgan wallen nelly ernest there was a show and Ernest tried to throw this rose. They have a beautiful song called Flower Shops. And he tried to throw a rose, I guess as far as anybody's ever thrown a rose before.

1:00:51And he just, you know, hey, he put it all into it. He used to pitch at Lipscomb. He used to pitch at Lipscomb. And this one was a little outside.

1:01:06what else do we got? Let's take one or two more calls from you guys, man. You can always hit the hotline, 985-664-9503. Let me know what's going on with you. Some exciting guests that we have coming up. A lot of excitement in the air. Hello, folks. Larry in upstate New York. What's up, Larry? I'm just listening to the most recent broadcast, Tom Segura. Tom Segura and Siovan. And you guys are talking about Guinness Book Records and did Tom ever want to have like a thing where he could do the set of records. And it's funny you're talking about this because I happen to have thought about that. And my thing I would like to do is the longest pee, the longest urine taken, steadily, straight, constant stream, longest time.

1:02:09They may already have somebody in there. Well, yeah, look, I think that's a beautiful suggestion. Doing the longest pee is beautiful. For Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, what would be a good Guinness record for them? maybe longest sandwich you know seeing both of them start at the opposite end of a different sandwich and eat their way as far as they could and try to meet in the middle or just eat a long sandwich together sorry the first way sounds a little bit yeah but just eat the world's longest sandwich the longest two men have ever stood bare chested pressing their chest against each other I could see them doing that what else could I see Tom and Bert doing for a Guinness record maybe the longest sentence you know Bert can get into some long sentences so maybe if he started a sentence and just tried to go as far as anybody's ever gone but also making sure that the sentence makes sense so that would be really really interesting what else that's a good one that's a good one I'd love to throw that out to you guys what would be some really neat Guinness records to try and set some rare ones I think the longest maybe if you filled if you fill your mouth with lump crab meat and ran like ran like did you know whoever could run the farthest with a mouth full of LCM maybe lump crab meat I think that would be quite a work of art.

1:03:54Yeah, but those are some nice thoughts, man. Good to think out loud and be having my brain work. That makes me feel good when my brain is active. Make me feel warm. Let's take this call right here. Here we go. What's up, Dio? This is Zach, bro. Right here, I work right now, brother. I'm a sewer man. That's what I do with Dio. I clean the sewers, baby. Oh, yeah, brother. You were a ninja turtle, baby. You down there in them pipes, homie. So thank you very much for the call. Let's hear more. Get in there. Get in there and clean up, baby. But yeah, bro, I'm just... Tomorrow's the anniversary of my father.

1:04:40He recently passed away about two years ago. And I accomplished a lot, you know, in the time that he's gone. and it's been a little rough because, you know, he hasn't really – I didn't really get a chance to show him everything, you know, that I've been able to accomplish, you know. But just felt a little down about Theo. And, you know, I know you've been through similar struggles with – I didn't really know my father. I knew him well, but not well enough, you know. So I just wanted to know if you have any advice about that, Theo. Just feeling a little down about my pops, that's all. But I appreciate you, man.

1:05:24Gang, baby, thank you for the call. Yeah, man, he's so proud of you.

1:05:37Man, he's so proud of you.

1:05:44And I'm sorry that he's not here with you anymore.

1:05:51you know there's I think about this a lot I think about that your heartbeat like if you want to feel your father you can put your hand on your heartbeat

1:06:08because he made that beat he and your mother they remixed a human that's how it works they cut a track and that was you but your heartbeat it's their heartbeats

1:06:28so that's the drum of your father

1:06:37he's in you I can put my hand on my heart and I can feel a beat that my father started, that his father started. It's such... That's why when I think we have those feelings of pride, of feeling like, you know, that our parents are proud of us, or that feeling of pride goes so... You can feel how deep it is. I mean, it'll bring tears to your eyes sometimes. You know, as a young man, And if you, you know, sometimes, especially you ask yourself, like, is my father proud of me? Man, that is the, there's nothing sharper than that edge in a man.

1:07:30Even the craziest thing is, even if you didn't even know your father.

1:07:37You know, I can relate. i didn't have enough moments with my father that would help us know each other well enough as humans and as men i had some experiences but i didn't have as many conversations and like um intimate connections you know or sentimental connections because he was passing away as i was just coming into my teenagers years and stuff so i can just relate I can just relate in that sense.

1:08:08And it's crazy that you just want your dad to be proud of you. There's nothing else a guy wants. It's like, yeah, I know my father some, but not a lot. But all I just, that question will hit me sometimes, man, I just hope he was proud of me.

1:08:30so I just want to tell you that your dad's real proud of you bro and

1:08:37yeah and he put that beat in you man that's his heartbeat so if you want to feel your dad you want to feel his that's his sound that sound started with him I mean you're just a sample track homie we all are but I know he's proud of you man

1:09:01and I'm sorry that he's gone but he's living he's through you when you smile he smiles that's his smile when you see something beautiful he sees something beautiful

1:09:17and when you do good and probably even when you don't man And he's proud of you.

1:09:30So just keep your head up on me and know that you're not alone, you know. And other ways you can get, you can live vicariously. And we like, you know, when you interact with a mentor, a male mentor of yours, and you let them know, hey, I really appreciate this. I appreciate your outlooks and your thoughts, you know, if you do. that's a way to get a little bit of fatherhood from someone else. It's interesting. It's like, you know, maybe if you see a young man, he's trying to do something for his father, but he can't do it or he can't afford it or he can't help. If you step in there and help, that's you doing something for a father.

1:10:13And it may not be your father, but you are doing something for that position of a father. You are being of assistance to a father. and I notice that sometimes it helps me some you know it helps me uh you know my father was real old so if I do something nice for an old man an older man it it's um or if I do something nice for a friend's father it's it's in a way it's me doing something nice for my own father you know I'm just it's like a um I want to say example but there's a better term for it um so you can have your relationship vicariously. You can have those needs fulfilled somewhat, a little bit, vicariously through other people's relationships and father-son relationships, I find anyway.

1:11:06I have moments where I'll tell some of my friends' fathers who've had importance in my life, I'll say to them, hey, I want to thank you. Some of what I needed I was missing, but you showed up there and that's not a knock to my father because my father I'm really saying it's kind of like I'm using someone else as a as like a template or as a mannequin for my own father

1:11:37so but yeah isn't it so deep how it's so it's like all a young man wants is for his father to be proud of him you know, it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable what a want that is.

1:12:03Maybe if we taught more in schools from that perspective, instead of from a knowledge perspective, what if we taught more from like an emotional need perspective?

1:12:17Like, what if that, you know, how many of your, like, what if a class for young men was how many of you want your fathers to be proud of you, you know?

1:12:28And then you taught from there. These are ways in the world where you can create, where you can fulfill that need.

1:12:42Anyway, thank you for calling, brother. And I love you, man. And I appreciate you. And I'm proud of you too, dude. I really am. I really am, man.

1:12:56Yeah, what else? We got some great new tour dates that we mentioned in the beginning. A lot of new cities. So if you get a chance, looking forward to seeing you guys there. I'm trying to think of anything else that's been going on. I don't know. I'm just trying my best today. It's one of those days. you know i i prepared some today to be prepared and it's just um you know you do the best you can and so that's what we're doing um i want to thank so many people for being a part of my journey and being a part of this uh podcast um yeah man i'm trying just i'm just i'm having a tough time today a little bit it's okay i'm fine it's just one of you know it is what it is um i love you guys um we'll go in the way that we came out uh i hope to do another solo episode soon um i'll do a better job of uh not making it so long between them and um yeah i appreciate you and thank you guys met so many nice people that have come out over the to the over the past few months to the shows um it's just it's hard to process at all at sometimes and feel like you're showing enough gratitude at the same time so um that's some of the journey that i'm in right now and um yeah that's what's going on over here um i'll see you guys in edmonton this week and then up through the northeast we have shows next week and um yeah just thank you thank you guys for supporting me uh sometimes when you agree with me or sometimes when you don't um you know that's something i'm learning to do better in my life is uh be there for people whether sometimes i agree with some of their things or don't you know um so i'm just grateful And I hope that I can be as supportive to you in my life as you are to me.

1:15:05And you guys be good to yourselves, baby. You deserve it. Gang, baby.

1:15:15And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it, I'll patch up where it's been. Oh.

1:15:26I'm just floating on the breeze.

1:15:34Cornerstone.

1:15:41I can feel it in my bones. But it's gonna take A little time For me to set that parking brake And let myself unwind Shine that light on me Come on, baby I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song I will sing it just for me I'm upstairs And now I've been moving way too fast On a runaway train with a heavy load of my hand