E478 Shane Gillis

26:07I think I would be scared to be, like, real rich. I wouldn't know how to do it. I bet you're all right. Oh, I think I'm okay having more money for sure. But I think if I tried to be real rich, I just don't know how I would – I don't know what I would spend money on, you know? Like, would you get a super fast car? No, I'm afraid to drive fast. Yeah, yeah, I think, yeah. I just don't know what I would get. Probably guns, probably, a couple. You got to get guns. Yeah. A couple for your neighbors, a couple for you. Give them out. Yeah, you don't want to shoot at your neighbors. Hide them in your kid's room.

26:43Your neighbor's kid's room. Start fucking planting guns. Oh, damn, what's this behind this child's bathing suit right there? It's an AR-15. Oh, you think that's a fucking... The most dangerous gun in the world. You think that's a water weapon? That's an AR-15 right there with some blood on it. No, I understand Tom, though. He's doing it. I mean, he's got money. Why should, you know? He knows how to spend it. Yeah, I guess I hadn't really thought about what I would buy if I bought myself something nice. You know? Have you started to think? I mean, well, you got yourself a house. Yeah, I rented it.

27:21But that's nice. Yeah, that's nice. I don't know, hot air balloon or something cool? I don't know what I would get. Hot air balloon would be fucking nice. Those are scary, though. I'd rather go fast than get one of those. Yeah, but if you really master the art of it, I got a buddy that used to fly one, and he could fucking, that bitch would show the fuck up. Hold on, you ever see these things crash? Huh? They come down on power lines and shit. It's so funny. Yeah, if you don't know what you're doing. Yeah. I think you got to get one of those deep. Yeah, pull up some crashes. Yeah, let's get some high balloon crashes.

27:50And some of them run on diesel, I think, huh? They catch fire, too. Yeah? Yeah. It's scary. What's that in your four-year-old's bedroom? A hot air balloon.

28:03Oh, look at this guy. Oh, boy, coming in hot. Oh, some guy in his sun. Hang on, baby. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on, tater. Fucking balloon crash. The wind's picked up. Sometimes if people have a really thick sun, and their nickname is always like a starchy food. You ever notice that? Yeah. Come on, tater. Tater. Get it done, cake pop. That's what we got. Cake pop, yeah. Yeah. Get in there. Pancake batter, they'll call them. It's my son. Pancake batter. Come on, batter. Get in the truck. Dude, we're going to fly a balloon. Just crash. Hang on, pop. Hang on, cake pop. Hang on, cake pop.

28:56Cake pop low. Yeah, cake pop low. Dude, and you know one of their family members definitely shot that bitch down in the distance, dude. That's also a risk, dude. Anyone could shoot you down anonymously. You can take those things out. You'll never get caught. Yeah, pull that up. Man anonymously shoots down hot air balloons. Watchers like 2 ,000 videos of that. Get a Confederate flag air balloon. Ooh, that'd be cool, huh? Yeah, let it fly. Get a target. Go tough, huh? Yeah, go tough on them. See who wants to shoot it down.

29:34Dude, fly it past like the Bayou Classic or something every year. Get them fired up. But, dude, I will say this. If you hang one speaker out of it playing do the stanky leg, everybody will let it go by.

29:51People will be like, oh, all right. Oh, there we go. Civil War, yeah. They had them. Yeah, what were hot air balloons used during the Civil War for? They would just use it surveillance. Oh, it's like... A little spy plane. I think Napoleon used them first. Really? Maybe not first, but he was using them. It's like bombs with drones like we were talking about. Yeah, it would scare the fuck out of you if the other side had that. Both the Union and Confederacy used hot air balloons for reconnaissance to help determine the location of troops and artillery. This innovation in aerial warfare was a trailblazer for its time as it took place 42 years before the invention of the airplane.

30:24Wow. But dude, imagine that bitch starts going down near the enemy. Oh, fuck.

30:33Can't turn it. Hang on. Hold on, K-pop. K-pop, no. Dude, that kind of shit is just fucking heartbreaking. Hot air balloons, you don't want one of those. But imagine, you run outside right now. Have you ever been in one? Huh? Yeah, I've been in one. Really? Yeah, I've been in one. I was with my buddy's dad when we were kids. He, like, proposed to this lady and one dude. With the kids? Yeah. And she said no. And so then we're like, well, what the fuck? We're— That's a tough rest of the trip. Yeah, and we were trying not to, like, act excited because we're in there because we could tell, like, he was bummed out.

31:13It's tough to be bummed out on, like, the ledge of a hot air, like, looking away from them, like, trying to be sad. Oh, it was sad, dude. And that guy's always—he's been sad since then. There's a lot of videos of him online, and he's always listening to that song. There goes my hero. Watch him as he goes. Just seeing his old self. That's the man I used to be. Yeah, Tiffany was his girlfriend's name. And she's like, I don't think so. And that's how she said it. We're like, what the fuck? It's like, yeah, and it was like 70 more minutes we had to spend up there. Yeah, it's a long time. Because the tour guy, I think he didn't really know what was going on.

31:54So he just kept giving us the tour Oh no Yeah Oh It's shit like that That just Makes you wonder what's going on Yeah I think that fucks people up Like when you're supposed to be happy Like a cool Like a hot air balloon Or like Yeah That kid jumping off the fucking cruise ship Oh yeah Like having something like That was supposed to be fun and good Get horribly ruined Yeah that kid was from Baton Rouge, Louisiana I don't know if we talked about that last time We were together But Maybe That kid was That's a good topic He was just partying And he jumped off and never seen again. Check this shit out.

32:25Yeah. But the craziest is people are like, that's a shark. There's like one little piece of water, and it just looks like some white and like definite shark. Yeah. People make comments like that online. Oh, crazy. That would have been quick for a shark to munch him that quick. Impossible. I feel like they take their time, right? Well, also, the odds of a shark is going to be right there at that moment. I do think sharks follow cruise ships. Surge called off. Oh, that's the toughest. Oh, that's, yeah. This team, buddy, don't go. Oh, my fucking God. Oh, bye-bye. Oh, saying bye-bye to him. Oh, that's the worst.

33:08You got to regret that, you know? Dude, something like that happened to me, man. It was when we had a guy who fell on a basketball court and died when we were kids. And when he fell, I yelled out, like, Reggie Lewis. Remember there was that guy, Reggie Lewis, that had died? No. Reggie Lewis. Look him up if you can. Reggie Lewis.

33:29That's him right there. Reginald C. Lewis was an American professional basketball player for the NBA. He's Boston Celtics. That was it. Beautiful man right there. And he collapsed on the court. There was another guy that did that, too. That was like a... I think it was B.J. Armstrong.

33:50He was real famous. Keontae Johnson no no don't just name a black guy Keontae Johnson but it happens to people but yeah this happened to him so we thought this guy just fallen down and so I remember yelling that out Reggie Lewis and then they tried to revive him and he died I didn't jinx him that's insane to say to somebody I can't believe you put that on I didn't jinx him Look up if I jinxed him or not Yeah I don't think you jinxed him Yeah that's heartbreaking though I'm sorry that I did that Have you felt good about moving here? Now once you moved here was it kind of like different Or was it different than you thought?

34:34Like what are some things that were kind of cool about it? I don't know You know when you move I was sad for like a week Oh really? Yeah I was by myself I was used to living in apartments I lived in Philly and New York the last decade So I was like, there's usually somebody around. Now I was out there by myself. I got scared for a while. I was scared. Really? I get scared at night. Noises. Yeah. Yeah. You think it's a noise and it's just, you farted. I was just waking myself up with farts. What the fuck was that? Yeah, I mean, I was scared for a while. Yeah. I was emotional. I would cry during movies when I was at night by myself.

35:14Oh, yeah. Yeah. so that's what you have to look forward to it's scary and you cry that's it that's just part of the American condition these days dude oh you're fine then yeah that was all yeah cause I think I thought I don't know if I thought Nashville would be a busier comedy scene I didn't think that because they just have one club it's like a functioning club there it's like they have a headliner flies in every weekend so they help you as much as they can but they just don't have as much space you know and then there's not a lot as many other rooms around the area but here it's like yeah it feels like you could go like we met a guy last night he'd done like five spots you know yeah you can do that here it's like wow yeah I mean that's crazy to think you could do that in a city I mean there was never maybe Chicago you could do that in maybe I don't know New York obviously you can yeah LA LA definitely those are the two yeah but that was yeah I don't know but yeah you can do it if you want yeah yeah Yeah.

36:14All right. This is going well. This is going well. What else we got? I'm trying to think of other horrible deaths I can think of. Oh, dude, what about that? There was something I was looking at the other day. It was a pull up that. What's that death page on Twitter where they have a lot of deaths on there? It's an animal. I might have even sent it to you the other day. Oh, history photographs. We were looking at this picture. Back in the day, they had to hang an elephant. Oh, there you go. Just read the caption. Just to look at the judicial system in the world, right? So this elephant, right? The hanging of Mary the Elephant, also known as Murderous Mary, I guess a bad elephant, was publicly executed for killing her handler in 1916.

36:58It was meant to be a warning to other criminal elephants.

37:07There it goes. Yeah, I mean, that's...

37:13So it just You gotta think The judicial abilities Of human beings Is always Why? But I guess If you're another elephant You gotta be like Yeah I see what's going on here Yeah these motherfuckers Mean business The uh I mean the idea though Yeah The guy who was like Fucking hang that motherfucker Everyone else was probably Fucking shooting the head behind closed doors we'll be done with this elephant. Behind a huge closed door people would know what you're doing. We gotta make an example of this fucking elephant. Yeah, yeah, not this bitch. Hang it. Murderous Mary, not this bitch. Have you seen what she's fucking doing?

37:54She probably did some pretty crazy shit. Yeah, this bitch drank 200 gallons of fucking water. I had a friend who's a friend of their mother's was like a big elephant advocate. She was a rich lady So she was like, save the elephants. Oh, yeah. Rich people do that, man. That was her cause. And then she finally. Their kids hate them, so they save rare animals. So then she was like, all right. She went to Africa to like her first trip to meet the elephants. And one of them fucking killed her. Oh, shit. Fucking killed her, dude. And they don't. I don't think people know this about elephants. They don't kill you.

38:29It's not fun, dude. They don't. They ground you. They use their face and fucking mush you into the ground. Oh, yeah. It's like when you see people do the stone ground... Yeah. Flower and stuff. Yeah. Like they're artisan chefs. Elephants are. They are. They'll grind you up. Oh, that's heartbreaking. Elephant kills woman and returns. Oh, this is a different one, but yes, this is also incredible. Oh, damn. Hold on. This is awesome. Is elephant a euphemism for somebody? Because let's go back and read this. Elephant kills woman and returns to her funeral. Elephant kills woman and returns to her funeral to attack her corpse.

39:07Wow.

39:12Odisha, India. Bizarre animal stories are heard often. Maya Mermu was collecting water in Raipai Village located in the Myrnbanj district of Odisha, India. When a herd of elephants came her way, she tried to flee, but one of them rushed her. Oh, that's heartbreaking, man. Let me see. At the ceremony that was taking place, the Times venue reported that a herd of elephants appeared from the forest, sending villagers running. They left Mermu's body behind. Wow. She had a liquid death.

39:45One of the elephants then reportedly attacked a woman's court by picking up the body and throwing it in the air.

39:54Wow. Thankfully, there's a video. Should I play it? Yeah. I don't know. Let's take a vote in the room. I mean it's Alright everybody said yes Yeah Yeah that's good I didn't want to do it

40:15Oh man Oh this is just afterwards I think it's the aftermath I don't think they were wrong Oh that'd be the worst I think if it all came into your house Yeah it'd be up there Cause even if you go in another room it can just come right in there Yeah It's not like it has to use the door That'd be so hectic, man I mean, especially at your mom's funeral Yeah There's that motherfucker that did it He's come back to fuck everybody else up, too You think you could do a big crime like that? Do a big murder? I don't think I could murder I don't think Well, now You think it's just an empty bottle of Prime On your child's windowsill?

40:55Well, open it up and bam There's some homemade lean Topped off with a little mini cache of nerve gas Who was that for, dude? That's Eric Adams, dude. Yeah, that's true. Who's fucking kidding? Was that Hunter Biden's room? Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, that actually was Hunter Biden. Oh, what's this here? That's a My Little Pony? No, that's a My Little Fentanyl stash.

41:25What else can we talk about, dude? I don't know. That's about as good as it gets, though. Hot air balloons. Yeah. Fucking elephants. but if you could do a murder or not, man, I know God wouldn't want me to do it. That would be the thing. Yeah. He would be like, don't do it, buddy. And I would be like, I'm not going to, and then I would maybe sneak. I swear I'm not going to do it. Hit him under the table so God can't see. A little Greedo, a little Han Solo. They should have tables that are, like, God-resistant or whatever, like whatever happens under here, you know? Yeah. I remember a girl, let me feel her back one time at the library, and we're kind of horny children or whatever.

42:04Yeah. I guess she didn't want me touching her breasts or whatever. I think maybe I don't even know what was going on. Back's good. She's like, you can feel on my back. Back's real good. And I just remember just feeling her back. I'm going to be a back man now that you mention it. Fucking nice, huh? Rubbing a lady's back? It's one big flat, long tit. Yeah. That's all the back is. That's what you say, yeah. You know? Yeah, let me get that flat. Let me get that. The small of the back. Put your hand there. Oh, dude. If you touched on the small of her back and her body, it felt warmer there. You're like, I don't know.

42:40You know, it felt like she was baking cookies in her butt or something. Yeah. It felt always warmer there. You know what I'm talking about? It is warm, yeah. Like, whoa, what am I doing down here? I remember the first time a girl let me touch the small of her back and had some hair on it, right? Because her dad was really tough. And I was like, I don't care. I'll fucking pet this girl. Yeah, I don't mind. I will pet this bitch. I'm in love. Sometimes girls have really hairy butts Really? Yeah I think naturally girls sometimes have I think they have to work on that Some of them get like man's ass I don't think these are girls Unless I'm getting tricked You're getting tricked by some of that ass pussy Search girl, hairy ass girl Yeah, bring something up We have blockers on a lot of our stuff But if you can get around some of it Maybe on Twitter Are you allowed to show hairy ass?

43:29I was looking for a picture, but read this top Reddit post. My girlfriend has a lot of hair on her ass. How do I approach this? Great question. Let's review this. The problem is that her asshole is very hairy. This is on Ask Women, by the way, the subreddit. If it bothers you so much that you can't be with her because of it, you have to straight up tell her about it. Why is she getting all ratchet all of a sudden? Somebody just reported hair. She's like, you got to straight up tell her about it. Period. Honey, your hairy asshole disturbs me. Here's the actual post. But I think your... My girlfriend is beautiful and she does a great job of manicuring her lady bits.

44:12The problem is that her asshole, and they wrote it like that, is very hairy. It's kind of a turn off when I'm down there. A few wouldn't bother me, but this is a lot more than a few. Oh. How did you all start taking care of your nether regions? Did you read about it in a magazine or you just do it naturally? How should I approach this topic with her without getting her upset? Start getting those magazines, laying them around. Yeah. She's taking a hairy-ass shit. You can leave one in the bathroom. Ew, dude. Hairy butt ladies. Hairy butt ladies. I know. It's starting to bother me again. I don't know if I would mind a little hair like on the hips probably.

44:50I just think the actual cheeks, if there were hair on them. The crack, dude. Not the cheeks. like an Italian man's ass. Yeah. Damn, dude. Like a fucking Jewish sideburn down there, huh? Getting into her Jewish tunnels. You see them coming out of the tunnels? What? Oh, the Orthodox Jewish people. Bring that up, dude. Jews, it's better. They're getting some bad PR lately. This might be the worst one. A guy came out of it. I swear to God I'm not being anti-Semitic. A Jewish dude coming out of a sore grate in New York. Oh, yeah. There's a video of that. A New York synagogue erupted in a chaos Monday night.

45:31Let's play a bit of it. All right. That is tough to address, though. I know we're moving on to Jews and tunnels. Well, let's finish it out then. Hairy-ass woman. Let's finish it out, then we'll go to this. Because I think, well, I think the tough, well, some people, they make hair on their bodies to survive cold weather. Can you look that up, Zach? You know what I'm talking about? I think, yeah, I think that's what it is for. Yeah, so sometimes you don't want to have a wife that can't survive. You don't want to put the AC at 60. She's always cold, yeah. Yeah, you don't want to put the AC at 64 one night, and then she's fucking dead in the morning.

46:04It's a good trade-off. Would you accept your girl to never fucking complain about being cold, but she has to have a hairy ass? Or she complains every single fucking day. Now, what if it were like stuffed animal hair? That would be kind of fun, maybe. That would be nice. That I agree with. But I'm telling you, I've seen videos. These girls have fucking Italian man's ass. Like long hair? Like fucking dude. It looks like a dude's ass. Pull up something. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Well, that's more than I've ever seen. Oh, wow. That's a lot, huh?

46:44You can't see this video on the audio, but there's just a black girl watching it with her mouth open. Making the same face we're all making. Yeah. Oh, my God. Ooh. All right. Ooh. Holy shit, dude.

47:02Wow. I'm telling you, dude, they have Greek man's ass. Wow. And who has that? Who has the most hair on their ass, is it? I haven't found a culture. I would say. Look that up. And what do you do? How do you approach that? Mediterranean. How do you approach that with a woman? I don't know how. I would never. But you've obviously dealt with it. No. And South Asian descent are reported to have a relatively high amount of body hair. Mediterranean. Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, and South Asian descent. Wow. Yeah, I think, God, I just, because the crazy thing, say if you feel down her butt, and then you feel some hair there.

47:45but you have to still be hopeful for you know I just think yeah what do you do I don't know how to address it my friend was talking to me about addressing his he was afraid his girlfriend was gaining weight and he was like so I told her and I was like damn I would never I would let her get fat and then resent her and break up with her also who am I to criticize but you know I think a lot of people do that a lot of people oh I was even if they're not gaining weight or whatever I think I stayed with a girl just because I hated her so much. I was like, well, if I let you go. You might find happiness.

48:24I'm going to fucking make sure you're miserable too. Isn't that horrible? And I feel horrible about that, but I was young, and I was just that kind of, you know, I didn't know how to operate or be a decent human at all. But, yeah, pull up that ass again, buddy. Oh, yeah. It's the other cheek that gets you Because that cheek's already almost done I love how one of the black girl's eyes Keeps closing more And she watches more of it Oh that's crazy man God Yeah but then I bet here Now I will say this Shane Think about a long time ago 1300s 4s or whenever early Right And you get a woman and she has hair on her Bet it feels good I bet it does feel good You know So that's good Now if you're a fucking freak and you start petting it a little Some of it is how you approach it I can see that You're like ah let me pet this fucking little hair Hair butt That's nice Fucking Tossing it up a little Hey let me get a little and yank it real hard Which isn't expected That's fun Yeah.

49:36That's fun, dude. Dude, I got hair like on my legs and I've been running a lot, bro, and it starts to get tangled up and I'm like, what the heck? That's been pretty challenging. Do you wish you'd learned how to manage money in school? I do. God, I didn't, you know, I was keeping up my money and my dang underpant drawer and all of that. I forgot to cash checks. I knew you had to cash them. And so I had dang 40 checks in the pizza place I worked at and went out of business and I lost a lot of that money. but it's hard. It's hard if you don't know about money, building credit and that sort of thing.

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51:18Today's episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. You know, a new year and a new beginning. People say that kind of stuff a lot. Sometimes you need a new beginning with yourself. You know, sometimes I find my relationship with myself has gotten kind of stale. I don't investigate it. I don't look at it. And I don't really kind of aim to fix some of the things that I know could help me, help me feel better, really. BetterHelp is an opportunity to take a better look at yourself via therapy. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

51:56Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. If you're not getting something out of your therapy, then I recommend trying to switch therapists. You can always go back. it's something that I wish I had done sometimes and I didn't celebrate the progress you've already made by visiting betterhelp.com slash T-H-E-O today to get 10 % off your first month that's betterhelp.com slash Theo but yeah bring up those Jews again man what were they doing yeah so I guess NYPD on Monday busted like a secret meeting I guess they had been building secret tunnels Through what?

52:42The financial system? I mean, this is worst case for the Jewish people. Not really. Not worse. Yeah. But not even the worst thing in the last few. But all right. This is crazy, man. They do get after it. Oh, they're crazy. Look at this one, dude. They get after it. This one that popped out of the floor right there. Popped out of nowhere. And he's biggie walls. Look at that, dude. You see him? Don't flip the pews, brother. Oh, it's just hectic, man. Do you see how fucking comfortable that guy was walking the plank? Yeah, bro, these people. They were fine with this. This is an Orthodox Jewish group, man.

53:19This incident, let me read the article. So the incident began Monday afternoon after a cement truck was sent to the Chabad Lubavitch World Headquarters, known as the 770 due to its address in Crown Heights, according to COL Live. The truck was ordered to fill up an underground tunnel that had run from the main synagogue to a now closed building next door, the outlet reported. first reports of the tunnel service in late 2023 after a homeowner had called authorities about suspicious noises in his neighborhood. And that's draedling, isn't it, I think? Think of hearing noises under your house. Just Jewish guys.

53:54It's just somebody listening to modest Yahoo. They're like, okay, what's going on? You can't tell anyone. You can't be like, dude, I swear to God, there's Jews under my fucking house. Dude, I know there's Jews down there. No one's going to believe you. Yeah, they're like, dude, you mean so? You need to put down the fucking internet. The Jews aren't everywhere like that. You mean underwriting your mortgage? Or what are you talking about? No, they're fucking in there. I hear them. They whisper. However, following excavation of a trench for the project, simultaneously a construction project was in progress to install new plumbing in the 770.

54:29However, following excavation, the underground tunnel had been discovered. The tunnel had reportedly been worked on during nights for an unknown amount of time, I'm stretching the tunnel to a next door building women's section. Ah. That's nice. Yeah. Meet me in the fucking tunnel, babe. That's good. That's crazy, dude. And that's Orthodox Jew. Is that Orthodox Jewish people? It appears so, yes. Those people are wild, man. We had a garbage man on, right, from New York, and he said the worst people that he came across were Orthodox Jewish people, dude. New York, yeah. He said the kids would come out and tell them to just go fuck himself and flip him off.

55:09Look at them. They're getting rowdy. They were getting rowdy during COVID. I think I heard maybe those tunnels were so they could continue to go to synagogue during COVID. Well, that makes sense. Because they locked that down. Right. Now, that's what the media is saying. Well, that – right, right, right. And by the media, we mean them. Here's a guy coming out of the grade. The guy coming out of the grate is one of the most anti-Semitic things I've ever seen in my life, dude. Oh, wow. Oh, no. Where is this guy going, dude? To get a rebate. Yeah, that's insane. Coming out of the grate. Bro, they started pepper spraying him.

55:51And pepper spray is not kosher, I don't think. Look it up. There's going to be some lawsuits. But no, we had a garbage man, and he said that for some reason those people were kind of the coldest to him. What did he say, Zach? He mentioned that the kids would fuck with his truck And he hated going there That was the main thing And he also just said they were rude And also, it was a new year They throw all their shit out every year Oh yeah, that was part of it too, I think So there's probably some anger from him Because they had to pick up so much stuff Like they do a cleansing, I guess I can say it's part of tradition to reset everything And when the new year, throw everything out And buy new So that day of the year They said they would just go up and down the same street Goes against some stereotypes Yeah, that's true Yeah, getting all new stuff, man.

56:31But they had this, is this, they had a group in, I don't know if it was in New York. It was like Orthodox Jewish people. They would move into a neighborhood, bring the value of the neighborhood down, and then buy up to other places and then bring it back up. There was some law, it was like a lawsuit that they made or something. Anyway. it's a touchy subject but there's no denying that there's tunnels that is funny oh yeah there's nothing we can do about we're not trying to be oh I don't think we're being bad people or anything because these guys popped up out of a fucking tunnel anybody coming out of a tunnel is so funny it's fucking insane dude do you ever see the video of El Chapo escaping prison?

57:20it's great anybody going in and out of a tunnel is hilarious He goes into a tunnel Like behind a toilet He just escapes Did you see the one There's like some guy In his trailer right And a meth head Comes up through Just like the vent In the floor That he has And he's like Looking for something It's so startling And the guy's like What in the fuck Are you doing in here Somebody coming out Coming out of the floor Is fucking so scary Cause they're not gonna Come out like smiling They're gonna come out Holy shit It's a bunch of fucking ninja turtles, dude. Oh, is this it? Yeah, El Chapo. The time is right.

57:59Super Mario is right out. He's gone, dude. He's gone? Wow. Wow.

58:12You got to make it Mexican somehow. I don't know how to do it. You get it. That's wild, dude, bro. How fun would that be to break out of prison though? Awesome. How would you do it? You're big. I have no tunnels. Yeah, you get stuck. Yeah. I think I'm in there. I think I'm fucking stuck, dude. I think I go to jail. I'm in jail. There's no getting out. Fuck, man. Yeah, I can't get out. Fuck. Laundry basket's too small. Yeah, but Warden, you're a big boss, man. You look like the big boss, man. I mean, obviously you're going to play him in a biopic. biopic no I think I'm in there how are you getting out damn god damn it god damn it dude so and look this goes back no you dare fade that you cocksuckers just zoom in on that big one the one you already have that's biggest please if you don't mind let's just get a gander at this fella oh Shane I get it get out there bro that's your hot air balloon of success right there jump on that thing.

59:21Oh, was that going the wrong way? Fuck.

59:26I do that all the time. That's so nice. If I'm feeling bad at the gym or at home, mostly at home. It's time. That was some Brazilian barbershop and they keep tagging me and shit. Really? With some kid. That kid was Brazilian. For those of you who don't know, Shane put like a, he saw this hand signal. What is it? It was great. My friend Billy sent it to me And then I sent it to Gabe Davis, who plays for the Bills. And it's just a hand signal on TikTok of a kid. Just a chubby kid doing a funny. He was actually, I didn't realize it. It was a barbershop, so he was showing off his fade. That's what the next scene is.

1:00:00So the first scene is him going, and then it cuts to him with his new haircut.

1:00:11It was fun. Gabe Davis did it. Yeah. Shout out to the boy, Gabriel. But yeah, this is a nice thing to do. It feels good. What does? Just doing that.

1:00:27First touchdown. So you hit up Gabe Davis and he says, okay, this is crazy. I'll do it. How many times did you hit up Gabe Davis? A lot. Okay. I talked to him a lot, but I didn't think he was actually ever going to do it. Going to do it. Yeah. And you said, you got to do this. It'll be good. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, I'll do it. And I was like, I don't know. I figured the adrenaline of scoring a touchdown would take over. Especially that. That was a nice play. He remembered for me. Wow. What a sweet man. Bro, how good did you feel when he did this strange hand? Right here, I was so fucking happy.

1:01:01I was so – it's probably the happiest I've been in a long time. Oh, definitely. I jumped off my couch. I was like, oh, he did it. Oh, you got to vomit on somebody's kid when that happens. Yeah, there's no kids around. I would have – I almost went into the tunnels. I went down there and puked in the tunnels. Sprayed them out. Yeah, what the fuck were those guys doing in those tunnels? It's New York, too. Everything's pretty close. Probably just hunting square footage, dude. To be honest, bro. That's the big thing. Like, this could be another six square feet. That's fucking crazy. But that had to be unbelievable, dude.

1:01:41I think there's just something crazy. if you can have an influence on sports because sports are such like this, like, it just feels like such this, I guess every man wants to do it. Yeah. You know, you give anything to be able to run and catch it. Yeah. You know, and you just can't, you know. Can't. There's no part of me that can do it. Yeah, I wonder how I'd get out of prison probably. First of all, I'd go in as a woman. That's good. People are like, you ain't no woman, bitch. That's what somebody would say to me. I was like, what? Chappelle did that. Oh, you'd have to punch a woman right out the gate, right?

1:02:18Chappelle does that. He's like, I'm going to go to jail as a woman. And he's like, first day, I'm like, give me that fruit cup, bitch. His act out of putting a fist up is so fucking funny. But these days you can't say, I guess you're not a woman, you know? Here's what I think they should do, and I thought about this a lot. I don't understand why mixed martial arts doesn't start with a... a trans division. Yeah, it'd be awesome. Yeah, because it's like, then you can champion these trans fighters. You can let them embrace and share what it's like. Because otherwise, you're just kind of hodgepodge in a man, you know?

1:02:57And then it's a lot of dudes, if they really want to go play ball, they're going to have to go play ball. You can't just, you know, simp over to the woman's side, you know? And be fucking bringing your hair butter over there to the fucking ladies section. You got to actually, like, if they had a trans division, I would pay, I feel like I would pay$4 extra. month to see the trans bouts. Yeah. Or, you know, I feel like it would be unprecedented. It'd be fun. Yeah. Yeah. I like to see them in the women's sports. You do? Yeah. Some man in there? Yeah. Just fucking shit up. This is fucking great. But here's what they should, though, on the TV.

1:03:41It should every now and then have an arrow say, this is a man. They need to start doing Monday Night Football intros for every female sport. Oh, I like that. You know what I mean? It's like, hi, I'm Mary. I went to UCLA. Frank.

1:03:58Purdue. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the one there. No wonder he's got 48 points in the first half. Yeah. He's like, Rick, Women's College of Design. Westland. You're like, what? That gal? That is a hair butt. That's a hair butt. People don't talk about that. Those are, yeah, post-game showers with the... God, see, that would be... That is a reason I think I would go experiment with transing or whatever because you get to get in those showers, dude. But I bet in some of the sports it's... It's not that rewarding, I'm sure, in some of the sports. You know? You think? I think some of those female locker rooms, I wouldn't be too excited as much.

1:04:47Like, if I got into, like, college volleyball, if I could trick my way into that, that'd be a good shower. For them. I mean, for me, it would be a—that's literally a nightmare. Me fucking naked in front of a college volleyball team is a nightmare. That'd be so embarrassing. But you'd have to get your breasts pierced, probably, to, like, at least blend. You know, because some of the chicks are tough nowadays. and then you probably have to draw on a little more tit or use like a shadowing cream. I think the tit side, I'd be okay. Yeah? But having just a tiny cock in there would probably, you know.

1:05:19Call it a long pussy. Now we're talking. And they're women. You could trick them. Yeah. They'd be like, oh, I guess he has a long pussy. Yeah, well, people have been tricking them for years. That's crazy. I mean, that's easy to fucking just. It's like Amelia Earhart's husband. He bought her that plane. Do you know that? No. he bought the plane a lot of people don't know that so yeah I guess that makes sense what are we doing here oh man what else can we talk about dude anything else in the news Zach yeah you were talking about this earlier you've brought this up before consumer reports found widespread presence of plastics in food oh yeah well dude that's what they said you know they had that article and we've talked about this before this says the non-profit consumer group said on Thursday that 84 out of 85 supermarket foods and fast foods that recently tested contained plasticizers known as phthalates.

1:06:18A chemical used to make plastic more durable. I've heard phthalates a lot lately. Or however you fucking say it. Phthalates. Yeah, I've heard people saying it a lot. I never understood what it was. Well, this is one of the issues that say it says phthalates and bisphenols can disrupt the production and regulation of estrogen and other hormones, potentially boosting the risk of birth defects, cancer, diabetes, infertility, neurodevelopment disorders, obesity, and other health problems. Those bastards got me, dude. I had too many feelings. They got it, dude. No wonder they're running off through the tunnels, dude.

1:07:02they got us, bro. It's over. Bro, but that's, when you think about this, right, that the stuff that we're eating and if there's so much contamination just like in the land, in the water, that's what's making like people sick. What else? ADHD, genetic disorders, all kinds of stuff. Like Bobby Kennedy talks about that. Yeah. About how many things are linked to it, you know, that he thinks anyway. We might've got in under the buzzer. you and me, we were the last because now all the kids have it we were right on the board I think we both got something but not the whole thing everybody you meet has an autistic child now it's unbelievable you know, it's almost you know, and people have nicknames this is our little ring cam they call them or something because a lot of them are really perceptive but they don't really say much yeah, that's unbelievable but that's why I wanted to come out Sometimes I think about what if we made like a product or something that we knew wouldn't have that in it.

1:08:06Like what if we just said, hey, we want to sell you this water. Yeah. And we promise. Your kid will not have autism. We promise. Autism-free water. Because as a country, we would like to say at the very least, you deserve to have autism-free water. Now we're talking. Now that's a business. Although I do think we are going to need autistic kids. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. When the future is all just technology and we're going to cyber war with fucking China, we're going to want those guys. Yeah. We're going to need them. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, definitely. Yeah, I think, well, a lot of the business is now run by, like, people that some people say could have some autism.

1:08:52You know, there's a lot of speculation that Jeff Bezos has it. Zuckerberg, Bezos, Musk. Zuckerberg, definitely. Musk yeah certainly seems like he has some who else dude Dennis Allen that coaches the Saints who else I'm not sure Eric Adams has got it oh Eric Adams has got it oh that guy definitely got it oh you look peep through your child's Lunchable oh you think that's just a small stack of ham No, look under there. That's a gram of methamphetamines. You're like, damn, Eric. It's a party in that kid's room. Every time. That kid is fucking running a rave. That kid lives in Las Vegas, dude. Do you think about moving back from here?

1:09:44Do you think you're settled in? You're good? I don't know. I don't think I'll live here forever. But yeah. I like it here. Yeah. What? That's just a big. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I'll probably move home. to like outside of Philly. Wow. Yeah. Eventually. Yeah. Yeah, I like it up there. The brotherly city, huh? Mm-hmm. The city of brotherly. It depends, yeah. It depends how shitty things are in the next 10 years. Yeah, what do you think the next 10 years of life is like in America? Do you think it gets bad? I don't know. The bums. Somebody's got to fix this problem. I don't know what it is.

1:10:22Which problem? The bums, dude. Oh, the bums. There's a lot of bums. Yeah. Yeah, I say arm them. That's where I'm at. Okay. Yeah, and send them all towards the big, like, businesses. That's what I would do. Oh. Is that crazy? That's messed up. No, no, no. Give them guns. Tell them. Not guns, I wouldn't say. Oh, well, even worse, like machetes and shit? No. What type of arms? Something, if they're well-behaved, it turns into a weapon. So, like, yeah, like a bow staff that has maybe a blade on the end. but they have to put both hands on it and it can tell if you're being good or not. You can test your heart rate.

1:11:00Yeah. If it's too high, you're not getting it. Yeah, no. You need low heart rate. Warriors, first of all. I don't like using the term bumps, okay? I like using the term boots on the ground. Those are boots on the ground. Heroes of society and stepdads. Yes. So you're talking giving Ninja Turtle weapons to homeless guys. Let's just see what happens. Oh, I'm talking give them the fucking Donatello eye, the eye, what's it called? A rag for your eyes, like a thing that holds your eyes in, but it doesn't. Zorro mask. Yeah, Zorro mask. That would be good. And lead them. They're going to need leaders.

1:11:44You could do it. You think I could lead the bums? Yeah, get you a horse. A horse would be big. They would respect a horse. They're like fucking the Aztecs. You know what I mean? Just a guy on a horse. They'd be like, this guy, he's a god. somebody rolls up on a horse yeah definitely they are impervious to a lot of fucking damage horses? no well horses but also homeless people yeah they get fucking walk through tasers well they've been infected by so much they've battled so many things we got tased after a show in Shreveport and here's the crazy part I started doing comedy in Louisiana and so we go to some down in Shreveport and afterwards this was 15 years ago they'd say hey man we'll tase you if you want The cops would come up and tase people in the bar because there's not a lot of nightlife.

1:12:31So here I am 15 years later, show's over, we're sitting around with a couple of officers and one of them goes, with a couple of off-duty police people. And one of them goes, hey man, we'll tase you if you want. And I was like, no fucking way, you guys are still doing that shit. And they lit us all up. We got together as a group in locked arms or whatever. Oh, nice. Like a Harvey Milk kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they lit us up. How'd it feel? Did it hurt? You know, it's not as bad as you would think. Really? At all. At all. It's definitely a little bit of a surprise, you know? Yeah, yeah.

1:13:07See, I feel weird. It feels like somebody in the fucking, like, Great Beyond pressed a fucking doorbell that you didn't know was connected to you, you know? Yeah. It's actually really, yeah. But the pain is, it's not as painful. It's just as surprising as could be. It's like extremely surprising. They can go through the tasers. They can go through a lot. Well, they're immune to a lot of disease. Yeah. Well, at a certain point, that would be a lot of society too. We'd all be out there just, I don't know. You'd be immune to all the things because you are still alive on the streets. Yeah. And you'd want to probably strike back against the rich.

1:13:53where do, when we do this, okay, where do we meet up? That's a question I want to know. And that's a big question. I'm trying to think of good, there's good cities for this. Austin's a very good city. Where do you meet up for the revolution? The mothership, dude. Sixth Street. That's perfect, dude. Half of our military would overdose. I know. Okay. on fucking fireball before we even made it to the first 5G tower. There's going to be some attrition. There's going to be some guys going AWOL. It's going to be tough keeping the troops together. Dude, I wouldn't call a guy who wants to sing karaoke all night.

1:14:40We're going to 6th Street. We're taking that out. The bomb's rising up on 6th. Okay, now that, if we take 6th Street out, that would be, that I like. And you're going to recruit a lot of talented young people. You could probably get some of the Texas Longhorns, maybe. Oh, that'd be good. Quinn Ewers, he's staying another year. He'd join, probably. I thought we were just recruiting homeless people. But I think other people are going to get jealous. When they start to see you doing well, they're like, ah, fuck, I'll do it. The masks and the swords and shit. Yeah, because Sig Ep is going to be nothing against a fucking homeless battalion.

1:15:18Ooh. Okay. Sig Hep might be number one. We might go down frat row and just... Yeah, dude. I don't want the boys getting into a sorority. I will say no sorority. I'll command them. I'll say leave the queens alone. Yeah, leave the women alone. Leave our white queens alone. Isn't it? Now, if you want to get into some of these young fellas... Rock these boys, dude. Then that's up to you, dude. If you want to get into some fucking Sigma Alpha Epstein over here and see what these fellas are doing. That's Obama Harvey is going to be tough to control I don't think control is the one I know but they're going to get loose They're going to fucking every victory They're going to rape everybody They're going to fucking turn on each other right away No they won't Shane Yes they will dude No they won't I've seen them support each other I've seen I saw a bum living in a sofa in the cushion, in the bottom part and I saw a guy come and tuck him into bed one night in the park near my house.

1:16:28You don't see that in America anymore. Dude, they had some bums by us because we live right by a park and they stole a bunch of high school music equipment, I guess. So all night they would be in the fucking park. Someone stole the sheet music too, right? That's so nice. 3 a.m. and you hear somebody on a flute just playing. It's like Love the Way You Lie by Eminem and Rihanna.

1:16:57And people are like, shut the fuck up. That's a jam sesh. Love the Way You Lie. And the marching band. It's a good night. It's fucking sick. But so, dude, so the first, what do you, so, okay, so you say you meet up at the Comedy Mothership? I'm saying, yeah, I think that's a good location. Okay, that's one group. Somewhere on 6th Street. Okay, that's fair. You can get a battalion there. You can't say somewhere. You have to have a location. You can't have homeless or semi-homeless people storming a fucking Jenny's ice cream or something. I thought we were just meeting. I think it would be a good test to try to get the mothership because then you got Rogan in there.

1:17:38Okay. You got his team of security. Yeah, you'd have Joey Diaz probably would be the chef. You got to test your fucking might against them. What do you mean? It's a good first battle. Against who? The local police? I'm saying send the bums into the mothership and see who wins. It's a good test, dude. Hold on, Dave. We're never going to work there again. This is not a good choice, dude. All right, all right. Not the mothership. Yeah, yeah. No, I think you can meet up. I will lead. I'm trying to think. Where would you lead your bum army? You can meet up out front of it. Well, I think you have to pick like five or six places in the Americas to meet up.

1:18:11So I think you're going to have for sure. K &A in Philadelphia. That's the street. It is? Yeah. K &A in Philly. Yeah. Kensington. Kensington and what? Allegheny. And Allegheny. Yeah. You get them in there. Bro, crossing the Allegheny. That goes all the way back to the 1912, dude. Yeah. Or whenever. Sometime around then. Crossing the, yeah. Yeah. This is the Army. They're fucking, they're encamped right now. Oh, hell yeah. And it says no one deserves what's brewing in Kensington. Now, the tough part is to keep your army excited, you are going to need over-the-counter meds, probably. Or under-the-counter.

1:18:50I don't know which one it is. I think they're getting over. Okay. I think over-the-counter led them there. But it's crazy that the people who are—because society has led people to be in this space. I mean, I think even just that family that sold all the drugs, whatever, the opioids. Sacklers. Yeah, you have the Sackler family who killed hundreds of thousands of people to have pills. That's the first place you have to attack. The Sacklers? Yeah. Right? Yeah, they kind of... They don't deserve to be alive, really, do they? I mean, no. Yeah, I think it'd be a fair thing to say you don't think they deserve...

1:19:31If you had to pick someone who didn't deserve to be alive, they're up there. Yeah. It's top. So you got to go get them first. Now, once you get them, you're going to have a lot more people are going to join the army. For sure. So, okay, so we meet up in Austin. What other places? Buffalo would be good. Those are some sturdy ones. Oh, yeah. Buffalo, you get those. They can survive that winter. And you get those people that do the thing where they throw the baby into the pizza oven or whatever. Who's that family? What? You know what I'm talking about in the parking lot? No. They like crisp and crisp in them or whatever it's called.

1:20:04It's like they put that. Who's the family that makes the pizza?

1:20:11Can you look it up? Google that. And they got the burn-ins on the four-year-old or whatever out there? They made a baby? They burnt a baby? They put the fucking sauce on his back or whatever? Who is it? It's a family of whites. They're famous up there. Who is it? Oh, come on. It's a Pete? Is this who you're talking about? Yeah, yeah. What's his last name? Oh, Pinto Tailgate. That's what I'm talking about. Wait, what are you talking about? Pinto Tailgate, man. These motherfuckers They're Oh

1:20:44So you're telling me They're gonna burn a kid They don't burn They fucking just When it's kind of When it's not as hot When it's still warm They fucking There's a Put some sauce on you There's a Oh they christened a kid With pizza sauce Yeah Oh that's nice Yeah it's Pinto Tailgate man Beautiful what they're doing up there So you gotta meet here So that's one place Where else do you meet you think That's enough maybe That is Maybe it's enough information for now. Yeah, my bad on saying we should send the bums in to the mothership. No, I think, look. That'd be a tough one to get in. That's what I'm saying.

1:21:17There's a lot of security there. Oh, that's a good point. That's what I'm saying. It's a good first round. You know what I mean? Week one. Yeah, I support it, actually. I say we send a, yeah. You dispatch a unit. See how they do. Yeah. And then we test to see, say that's like the final boss. Let's see how we can do against some crack security and guys with guns. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're never going to be able to beat fucking Little Debbie or fucking Nextel or any of these. Facebook. If you can't take out a comedy club. Do you feel like we could really end up in our lifetime as heading to a revolution or some sort of a place where it all topples over?

1:22:00Because all it takes is really—I've thought about this. All it takes is a police, like a couple of people, like at a police, like police stations, all it takes is a couple of people to be like, Hey, I'm not going to follow the rules anymore. Yeah. And once they, and then other people are like, well, I'm not going to, if this guy's, and then it's just nobody's, cause we're kind of getting there. It feels like, you know, I feel like kind of people just kind of are like, if nobody's going to follow the rules and why do everybody's kind of getting there? It feels like sometimes maybe I'm wrong, you know, maybe I'm just making exciting for the conversation.

1:22:31I don't know. Yeah, I don't know how wrong you are. People are out there not following rules. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if that's going to start a revolution, but... But at a certain point, if enough people say, okay, I'm not going to drive within the lines, right? Yeah. I'm not going to follow the speed limit. It's almost just like that. Like every now and then... That has immediate consequences for whoever's doing it. They're going to crash. Usually. You know? But if enough people are like, well, fuck it. I'm not waiting because there's an emergency up there. I'm not going to wait for an hour.

1:23:00I'm just going to go do what I want. But it's just that attitude If I'm just gonna do it Other countries do that Yeah, Haiti You go in the traffic jams and shit there Like in India You ever watch that And they're doing alright You just wonder what's gonna happen Yeah What else can we talk about What's going on with you What's going on with me man Not too much dude dude, what's going on? Yeah. Thinking about touring and just how to do it, you know? Yeah. That's been something I was thinking about. Yeah. I've been thinking about that. I've been thinking about that a lot. Like, do I want to go spend like some people do a big tour, you know?

1:23:51And I like, and they go to the big cities and stuff like that. But I would almost rather do like a three year tour and go as I want. That's kind of what I'm doing yeah and just make it as you want to do it yeah it just feels like more manageable to me and uh yeah so that i think i've been thinking about that um what else i've been thinking about getting building like a halfway house or something like that that'd be nice yeah it'd be pretty cool yeah and then those people could be in the military those are our officers dude That's our officer training school

1:24:27Yeah dude definitely So I mean honestly that's something I've been thinking a lot about What else on a personal side Not much dude I'm supposed to go to ayahuasca Really? Yeah in a couple days In a couple days are you going to South America No it's right off It's like right off the interstate in LA They're doing ayahuasca Oh, you can smell that. Yeah, I mean, there's a pot pot. It's like fucking probably, no joke, 600 yards away. Oh, that's got to be so nice. Well, twice a day, I guess, they do the biscuit bakes or whatever. High shit smelling that. Oh, no, it's not. You're not like, it's not fun high.

1:25:04I've heard, yeah, what's, have you done it before? It's like God is crawling in and out of your wieners. Like, it's just a lot. It feels like a lot. It feels like you're just like in therapy for like two, like, like, what does it feel like? You know, like, say if somebody was playing basketball, you were playing basketball in an attic of a house, right? It would feel kind of weird maybe Because you're like The floor feels like But if This feels like you're playing Like basketball Like on the first level It's just like Doesn't make any sense But it feels like I don't know It's just intense You've done it Yeah And did you feel like it went well When you got done?

1:25:42Yeah It's just crazy I mean it's like God shows up And you're fucking sitting there with him You know But it feels really real It's not like you're fucked up Like hey god You know Let me see that You know I took like a fucking ton of mushrooms once And not that that's the same as ayahuasca But I did reach the fucking like I'm not here anymore I'm seeing I'm just fully seeing things Yeah Yeah I didn't I came out of it I was like I'm gonna be better And then that fucking wore off I'm back Yeah Back to the exact same guy So that's the thing I think I wanted to see Yeah I just wanted to wear off It's been like a year and a half Since I did it Yeah So So I've been thinking about that.

1:26:22Yeah, I've been thinking about that. I don't know. Sometimes I think about maybe moving or also living somewhere else. I think it's fun to spend time down here. Austin is cool. Austin's fun. You can do stand-up. It's a beautiful city. Yeah. It's a nice city. It's a fun city. Yeah, there's a lot of neat stuff. Yeah. There's a lot of neat stuff, I think. So that's been pretty cool. Just thinking about it, you know. Even just coming and seeing your house, it's like, oh, okay. This is what it would be like to live here. This seems like I could do this, you know? What else, man? I don't know. I don't know.

1:26:57I think it's just, yeah, thinking about, like, who would be fun to talk to on podcasts, stuff like that, just the normal stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not doing anything. I don't know how to answer that either. It's tough. Who would be fun to talk to? No, I mean, just, like, what's going on? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know anything you can think of, Zach, that you notice from an outsider's perspective. About you? Yeah, sometimes I'm just so in my own life, you know, you don't know what's going on. We're trying to get new interesting guests for the pod. Yeah, we're trying to get a carnival worker. Yeah, we're trying to get a carny.

1:27:31We thought about Gypsy Rose. I've heard a lot about Gypsy. What did Gypsy Rose do? She got a boyfriend to kill her mother, like arranged it. Yeah, and it's not funny, dude. I'm talking to myself because I just laughed. But, yeah, she and her boyfriend killed the mom. Because the mom made her pretend that she was, like, mentally challenged and stuff in a wheelchair and physically handicapped. The mom had Munchausen by proxy, so it was tricking her into thinking she was sick and had all these ailments. I think I've heard of this from a long time ago. Yeah, there's, like, a TV series about it. There's been a lot of information about it.

1:28:07But she's also from Louisiana. So I was like, I wonder if it would be interesting to talk with her and just see what her life has been like. But I know she did another podcast, and I don't know. If stuff like that's supposed to happen, then it'll just happen. And that's the mom, and she just kept making— She made her pretend she was in a wheelchair and dress up like a little clown and stuff like that. It feels like self-defense at that point. Yeah, I think that's what they—and her boyfriend, I think, she like— I met a guy somewhere in his name, yeah. And they made love somewhere, too. He's still in jail.

1:28:44This guy's still in jail. Yeah, that guy should be in jail. He should. He should be in jail. He looks like he's growing his beard out just so he can eat it. Yeah, that's the kind of look that he has. So, yeah, anyway, yeah, that's her. But we tried to get a carnival worker. And what problem did we run into? This year we're running into with carnies Working on a weekend Like usual A lot of the carnival industry They're working dude There's no days off Oh dude but still It's gotta be a fun life Keep praying at night that all those little fish stay alive So you can make bank the next day Those fish must How many fish are those guys going through Those things must be dying so much And then if they die probably making a little little bitty like fillets with them yeah they probably launch those oh definitely snacking on those bitches yeah but that's uh so we've been looking for a carnival because the problem with carnival carnival people is carn uh the carnival's gone fucking awol man they don't have any animals anymore first of all it's a lot of virtual shit and like gay guys like pretending to be animals which you can get in fucking anywhere you can get that in miami or bourbon street yeah um and then it's very i guess more disney on ice or something you can't find any of the good motherfuckers you know like i remember there was a guy i was we used to live by the fair that would come through town right so if you went the day early for it open for a quarter you could do a ride right and you were basically practicing you were people would disappear people would go fucking missing people would get wifed up you know your fucking chicks would get wifed up by a lot of these carnival workers and everything but um you could go practice you know and like i remember once i was getting off of a ride and i guess i grabbed two like rails at the same time and it completed a circuit and so i couldn't i was just like this you know and this black guy i remember goes get on out of here you and he called me the n-word he put my foot he put his foot on my back and thank God he kicked me.

1:30:59He saved you. So thank God, dude. Yeah, you shouldn't use the N word. Getting electrocuted is so fucking funny. Oh, well, it's surprising. It happened to my cousin. He was fixing the VCR, laying on the floor. And he's a big guy. He's big. Yeah. And he was fixing it. And he was laying on a wire, I guess, that was exposed. Active. And while he was fixing it, he just stopped and was like... And he was huge. We were all like, what the fuck are you doing? get up. Like, no one was like, he's dying. Everyone's like, what the fuck, dude, stop. Yeah, that's one of the worst things that happens when people are getting electrocuted is people like, call them pussies a lot or like, quit doing all that gay shit.

1:31:40People say stuff like that and you're like, quit shaking. Yeah. What are you shaking for? Yeah. This ain't a time to laugh, Rodney. Then a woman screams and then you realize it's serious. I just remember. Unless you don't have any women in your house. Without women, they are fucking, They are an alarm. They're like dogs. Yeah. They scream. The second something, anything is happening. They know something's going on. It's a scream. Yeah. They do know something's going on. That's a great point. Men are just like, hey, what the fuck's going on? Women screaming during a fight. Yeah, it's hot. It hurts.

1:32:13It's not hot. It's unfortunate. No, I'm just saying. Yeah, it's unfortunate. Getting your ass beat and having your girls scream while it's happening. Just whoever's beating you up is terrorizing your whole family unit. Yeah, that's a crazy thing I watch in fight videos Is when the girl is just yelling on the side No, stop it You'd almost rather have your girl Go sit in the car Or, now what if your girl tased the fucking dude And started yelling Just like biggie lyrics at him as shit Depends which lyrics But actually at that point, if you're using a taser in the middle of a fight That feels like a pass You could say all the lyrics Yeah, definitely, I think.

1:32:54You know? Yeah. Yeah, I think having your girl, knowing your girl is taser-ready is fucking hype shit. Women screaming, it bothers me during basketball games. Oh, yeah. They scream. Football games, you know? They get excited and scream so loud. Oh, it's ridiculous. My buddy took me to watch his son play football, right? And there's this band of women behind us, okay? One of them has a megaphone that doesn't fucking, it just makes him sound like Stephen Hawking, right? so it's just some lady yeah it's like are you fucking it's like a nine dollar megaphone it's like are you fucking kidding me and she's just yelling they're all yelling at the refs dude you know yeah yelling at refs at kids games is fucking nice cause that guy's a fucking loser oh yeah that guy's it's so mean that guy wants to have control in the community, though.

1:33:51Yeah, he's like, all right, I got to ref this fucking seventh grade football game today. And then there's some parent like, you fucking piece of shit. Yeah, you fucking. That was a hold, you fucking dumbass. Yeah, that was a hold. Get your eyes out your ass. Somebody all yelling that. I'm going to follow you to the parking lot and beat your fucking ass. Dude, they're crazy. These guys have to, like, run to their cars after middle school football games. For$12 an hour, the guy has to fucking almost died in his community just because he fucking wants to work on the weekends. You got to sprint, dude.

1:34:26And own a whistle. In that dumb fucking outfit you got to take your hat off. Yeah, this is it right here. The league, right? Look how drunk all these dudes are. These dudes are shit fake. Unbelievable, dude. That is nice, though. Getting fucking wrecked and going and coaching a game. Yeah. I'm in a game shit face. Have you done it? No, I haven't. I have not. You seem like you would be able to do it. I coached midget football. Did you really? Yeah. It was really little people? Pop Warner. We called it midget. Yeah. Eighth grade, we called it midget league. Yeah, some people used to call it that, and some people still do call it that.

1:35:05I wonder if they still do. Is there an actual little person football league or not? There's got to be. Let's bring that up. They're doing all types of stuff. Well, you know what always gets me every year is that video of the blind guy playing football that comes up. My blind child playing football. It's so funny. It's funny because it's, you know what I mean. It's not funny. I'm not laughing at the. No, it's not funny because the guy's blind. It's funny because. It just goes exactly how you think it's going to go. Yeah, and the reporter pretends. This is what's funny about it. Is the reporter's what makes it fucking ridiculous.

1:35:40Yeah. Because they're like, hey, this makes perfect, normal sense and safety for this guy. And then they watch the play and pretend like it's fucking not insane. Little people versus giant people? This is soccer. I don't see any American football. The Giants. The Giants. That's just a regular fat guy. I can be one of the Giants, god damn it. Oh, little people are way better at soccer. 1-3 looks good. Put his ass down. Oh, you kick me, motherfucker. Little kids The little guys are gonna fuck these dudes up That's a foul, that's a yellow Big fuck Sherbert Big dudes always have names like Sherbert Look at that She's pissed, huh?

1:36:27It's a good wall, though They're gonna block that free kick The fat guy wall? Yeah, it's unfair Are you talking about this dude? Yes Yeah, can we bring up the news Or just play the news story? Because it's just Dylan Collier And God bless him We should call him actually Let's get him on a solo episode, Zach Him and Chase Matthews The guy that shit in the wig What did that guy do? The guy that vomited on the girl On the baby Don't get them together You mean separate episodes Separate episodes Talk about it I just want to talk to them I want to see what does this guy think about it he's got to think it's fucking insane.

1:37:08Kill and play because he's doing all of this blind. You know, I can't see and a lot of people think that a blind person can't play football. That's true. This courageous youngster has proven those people wrong.

1:37:28Bro, imagine though. This is wild though. If he is blind, then he could play a total different defense you can't even expect. because you expect a normal defense. You expect certain lanes and this shit like that. That guy might leave the field. Yeah. I don't know where he's going. That fucking game is longer. But if he hits you. That game is longer than 100 yards. There is something that is true about this. If he does hit you, he is going to run right through you, which is how you're supposed to. If you want to fucking drill someone, run right through them. That's a great point. You're going to hit them really fucking hard.

1:38:04You couldn't penalize him for some of those poaching or whatever they get, those penalties. Yeah. Yeah, I would love to see what this guy's up to and what it was like for him. Dude, how brave to run when you're blind. Just run as fast as you can when you're fucking blind. Fuck, that's brave shit, dude. That's the kind of shit we need in this country. Meanwhile, we have a bunch of fucking math addicts arming themselves outside of a T-Mobile because we told them to, dude. You told him. I didn't. You told him. You're on the horse. Why'd you say that? You're on the horse. I'm never going to get on a horse.

1:38:43Yeah, you are, buddy. We'll get you up there. I like horses, yeah. Any other news, Zach? Do you think we covered everything? Shane lives in Austin now. Yeah. We had one other video we were watching. Like this. Oh, yeah. And this is racial stuff. Let's go. This is. Let's start it up. Hold on. So this is so one of the problems that's happening in society is people can't afford Ubers anymore. And so here this is this happened, I think, in this looks like New Hampshire.

1:39:22He's just hitching a ride. It's right in front of my car.

1:39:30Get off. Oh, no. What are you doing? There's a white guy. hanging. He's on the front of a black guy's car while the black guy's driving around. Looks like fucking Pittsburgh. He's still on my car. Get the fuck off my car. Oh, don't go sideways, bro. Oh. Good. Dude, it's unbelievable the guy didn't just stop and say, hey, senior citizen who is 60 years older than me, who may be having an episode. His face is so funny. hey, buddy, why don't you fucking get off my car? Instead, the guy's fucking listening to Nicki Minaj or Young Dolph. And he's just like, hey, this is crazy. The Trump hat's so good on that.

1:40:17This is crazy. The Trump hat's so nice. This guy's on my car. Like he's a fucking, like it's a butterfly or something. That is how I treat bugs on my car. I'm like, I'll slow down, see if he gets off. That's a fucking bug on a car This guy is 72 years old He's holding onto the front of this guy's car And we don't know why This is that Biden shit, man That people are talking about And this is people on meds This is people not having any hope, probably I mean, you run out of hope You're going to have to get on someone's car That's what I'm saying That's step two You look around, you go, there's no hope.

1:41:02Well, yeah, and Ubers, at a certain point, it's just going to be a bunch of lords in their castles. The rest of us will be all Ubering each other. It'll be the only job. But everybody's Ubering, so nobody is a passenger. Nobody's breaking even. We're all just breaking even on this. Totally. So you're literally going to have people holding each other at gunpoint to be their passenger.

1:41:31Oh, man, dude. Imagine if that was your relative that you just saw that video. You're like, man, he had a fucking manic episode. He jumped on a dude's car. Went for a spin. Just went around the block. God wants us to watch it one more time. Yeah, it's great. I love seeing his face.

1:41:55I wish I had a view of his feet.

1:42:01Nope. Get off!

1:42:05He said get off, but he didn't give him time. He was getting off, dude. I love why he's just saying get off my car at 20 miles an hour. He goes for the exit. It's a tough exit. Yeah, he tried to take the orthodox fucking tunnel off to the side, but they wouldn't fucking let him, dude. Yeah, seeing that guy roll in the street. Hey, let's find out who that is, and let's also get him on the next solo. Those three guys, I want to know. Dillian Collier, the guy, Jordan Matthews, Chase Matthews, I think was his name. Puke man? Yeah, the guy that puked on the baby girl. And you know that guy was hoping nobody brought that up.

1:42:52Oh, man. He was 21, shit-faced at a baseball game. He's never living that down. puked on a fucking little kid. Yeah. Wonder what the kid's doing now, too. It'd be crazy to see if that influenced him somehow. You know, if he works with bulimia or something. To prevent anybody from vomiting. Esophageal cancer, maybe. What else we got, Zach? Anything else? How long have we been in here? A while? About two hours. Oh, wow, really? Oh, shit. Okay. That's good. Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Yes. With Matt McCosker, Shane Gillis. Matt's got to come on next time with you man I had so much fun on you guys' show you would you do it without me just Matt yeah you guys would get along very well okay yeah got similar vibes well I just want to make sure we have our meeting of the generals that are going to be working for us McCusker will be good he's Silver Fox and McCusker is a very general name yes very oh

1:43:52McCusker's last stand he's going to get bombs are going to turn on him and stab him. But still, dude, McCusker's last stand, and we'll never forget when he fucking commandeered those three T-Mobile outlets in the middle of the night. Yeah, little Best Buy. Yeah, people, yeah. Little Best Buy. Yeah, this has been tried before, though. Not necessarily bombs, but just saying, like, they're downtrodden, they're going to rise up if I let... John Brown did that. Did he really? Yeah, that's how he sparked the Civil War in America. So he just... He was like, I'm going to start a... He thought, rightfully so, that slavery was...

1:44:34He was very religious, and he was like, this is the gravest sin. John Brown's raid on Harper's Ferry. Yeah, he was like, if I go take the armory at Harper's Ferry, all the slaves from all the area are going to join us. Wow. And not many of them did. Really? Almost none. So they let him down, or they were afraid? I don't know. No, he was a little nuts. So they were probably like, that's not the guy to do it. And he's a white guy or a black guy? He was a honky. But his last name was Brown. Yes. So they give him some of that credit. He gets a lot of credit in the black community. Does he really? That's a great, yeah, I mean, he fucking, he was the man.

1:45:09He started, so he really inspired. So he actually made a physical motion to say, hey, let's do this. We got to get rid of slavery. Right. Wow. And they hung him. He got to fucking marry the elephant treatment. Oh, that's heartbreaking. Where's he buried at? He's from Kansas Wow So he really was trying his best And who hung him? The whites? Yeah, the honkies got him He's buried in the mountains in New York How do you pronounce this? I don't know how to pronounce that word Adironday

1:45:47He was a beast He was getting after it though Before he did that He was He was killing all the Southern Sympathizers Slave owners Sympathizers Yeah in Kansas He was Him and his sons were Macheteing people Oh Yeah Wow Pretty good guy though That'd be interesting If we could do a Ouija board or something And talk with some of those guys You know Yeah It'd be pretty cool But I don't know who does that kind of work Seancery or whatever That would be a good episode With a seancer Get a fucking medium in here You're like somebody that's like I'm going to contact the dead You think so? I think that'd be a great episode You got to pick out some cool dead They can't be like Oh this is some guy Hey we just got a call from Richard Outside of Toledo Just people calling into a radio show Hi am I on the air?

1:46:36Fuck You're not allowed to swear here That'd be hilarious dude You just had an open seance line That'd be nice Hey this is Robert Trum Long time listener dude Dude, I've been listening to you guys for eternity. It's all right. Welcome to town, man. Are you touring this year? What else is going on? Just so people know. Yeah, I'm touring. Okay. Yeah. I don't know when this comes out, but I'm going to announce. I'm doing Netflix is a joke. I'm doing the Greek Theater and the Kia Forum in May. No. You're doing the Forum, too? I'm doing the Forum in L.A. Isn't that 11 ,000 seats? Hopefully that sells some tickets.

1:47:12Oh, my gosh. I think Louis said that's his favorite place to go do a show. Really? Yeah. I think I would like to maybe try that this year That's so exciting dude Wow So that would be exciting, I'll be nervous That would be your biggest show ever That would be the biggest, yeah Have you done any outdoor festival shows? I did a bunch with Kreischer Oh yeah Some of those looked amazing Some of those were really amazing Do you like doing the outdoor? We did one in Edmonton, it was tough It was fun, it's just different I don't know, I've only ever done it Opening for Burt So I don't know how it'll do Like a long set might be hard I have no idea Did you feel like it was fine?

1:47:51Like just how you did it? I was doing like 15-20 minutes So I was like alright Let's just clock in Get this done Sometimes it was good Sometimes I felt like I sucked Because you can't tell Because it was like a minor league baseball field You know Yeah And it was The sun was up A lot of the time So you could see everyone not You know You could see everyone getting up Getting drinks Yeah Yeah Yeah, some places you do it, and some people don't even know. I remember I taped a comedy special in New Orleans, and some people had never seen live comedy, didn't even know. People were yelling. People thought it was like a sporting event.

1:48:24People were yelling defense during it. Some lady was at the top just beating on the back wall, just going, defense, defense. You're getting fired up. It was just fucking crazy. I'm like, what is going on here? Yeah, big crowd like that, they can start getting wild. Yeah. What's been one of the toughest things about getting more popular? You've just had such a crazy I mean you've You did it somehow You made it I mean I know how But it's just like You've just gotten You've Got popular Yeah Yeah a lot of it's on TikTok and shit I don't even have a TikTok I don't like clips Yeah Yeah I don't personally I don't like them I don't care if other people do them But It's funny because like young people will see me and be like You're the TikTok guy Yeah I'm like, damn, I got to get on TikTok.

1:49:11I got to see what's going on. That was a big thing was just clips. What, the hardest part about it? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, is there something that's been interesting about it? I mean, it's just an interesting thing that happens in somebody's life when they get more popular. You know, it's like just interesting. Yeah, you've done it. It's just weird. I don't know how to. Yeah, maybe it's just weird. It feels weird? Yeah, I was just curious. It feels surreal? I don't know. Is there something you thought about or noticed about it or anything that was tough about it or anything? I got to take pictures a lot.

1:49:37Yeah. Which that's not always great. And you're tall, you can't hide. Yeah, I don't like the way I look a lot of the time, so I have to take pictures. And I have sometimes a very embarrassing smile. Yeah. So many pictures. With my arms up, there's so many pictures. There's so many pictures of me. I'm nice to meet you guys, thanks. Don't look him up. Don't fucking bring him up. Oh, there's one with you and Trump, dude, that's sick. You were there. We talked about that last time. You were there. Yeah. We talked about that last time. Oh, yeah, I don't think I was sitting. I was sitting further away from you guys, though.

1:50:11Yeah, you were... You went to, like, the first one Trump ever came to, I think. That was fun. Yeah, that was fun, dude. You might be... Yeah, you were directly behind that. I know exactly where you were. Poirier's fighting. That's actually Max Crosby's arm. Is it really? The guy with the chain right there, yeah. Wow. Max Crosby's a cool guy. Yeah. I think that was him. I remember he was there. And his brother, too. I don't know what his brother... What's his brother's name? Miles. Miles. I met Miles, too, one time. I wonder if it's cool if your brother's in the NFL I bet that's awesome Because you don't have to do it Yeah, you get to do fucking Mahomes, brother Just do fucking TikToks Everyone's like, shut the fuck up Yeah, you just get to do TikToks and fucking meet guys Just bother everybody Yeah You just get to do TikToks and just buy sweaters and shit And your brother's fucking out there killing it That's gotta be nice That's awesome Like if your brother was Patrick Mahomes That's cool to watch Oh, it would be so sick.

1:51:05Just watch your brother be the best player in the world. Dude, you'd have to be like, how the fuck? And especially if you knew your brother and you're like, are you fucking kidding me? I remember I caught you jacking off like a hundred times. I hit the seatbelt fucking no-look passing. Yeah, and then I left you alone for two seconds and came back in the room. Okay. What are you doing? Like a good parent should, dude. All right, man. We'll see you guys in either Buffalo or in Austin outside of the Comedy Mothership if shit hits the fan. because you have to recognize at some point people will think in their head, I've thought about this, where do we all go when shit, when it gets, because all it takes is that fucking one, that one night, you know?

1:51:45Yeah. I'm going to try to get a hold of Rogan. That's the guy. Right, I agree. And I spoke with him about this one time and he, I think, decided he will be offshore in a boat looking back at America. I think so. And that's what a lot of people will be doing. Be vigilant. The second shit pops off, I got to get over there because a lot of people are going to rush. It's going to be like Noah's Ark. Oh, yeah. People are going to be like, save us. Yeah. There's going to be two of, like, every type of person. Type of comic. Yeah. Me and Tim Dillon walking hand in hand. Yeah, dude. All right, two fat whites, you guys are in.

1:52:15Yeah. Me and Tig Notaro. Ambiguous guys, you guys are in. Yeah. Oh, that'd be sick, dude. Two people with, like, those little things. Yeah. Jeff Dunham and doesn't... Dude, imagine being the other guy that's not Jeff Dunham. People are always like, hey, are you Jeff Dunham? He's like, no. I was doing this before him, that motherfucker. Shane Gillis, man, congrats, dude. Congrats on just being funny and for, and I'm sorry you didn't win the Golden Globe and you should have, I thought. Oh, thanks. I thought you at least should have been up for it. Thanks, I appreciate that. And yeah, you guys can find him on tour.

1:53:00Dude, the fucking forum. You're doing the forum and the Greek? Yeah, in the same week. Why? Hopefully I sell some tickets. I'm not. It's my agent. Your agent? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we did the Greek. They're like, dude, you can do the form. Yeah. They're like, it's going to sell. I was like, oh, man. You sure it's going to sell? Because I'll do it. The same week as the Greek. Yeah. Fuck. I've never done LA, though. So that's good. That helps. Yeah, that's awesome. Well, you'll definitely do it, man. Oh, there's some fucking air conditioning. Yeah. Now that the podcast is wrapping up, let's bring it back down to 75.

1:53:32Thanks Shane for coming in man I appreciate it man Thank you dude Talk to you later brother