E484 Trevor Wallace

28:49Bologna is like five different animals in one, right? Oh, bologna is, yeah, bologna should be on episode of Plug Talk. I feel like it's fucking just been. That's one of the girls they interviewed. Yeah. But bologna is fucking delicious. I don't know what it is. What do you talk about on a show before you know you have to fuck? That's what's so funny to me. It's like a 30 minute or an hour long episode. And they're just like talking about their upbringing. And then they're just. It's so, it fascinates me. And my favorite part, and I know Adam, and they're really nice to me and everything. Yeah, same, man.

29:24I've been on his show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they have, like, the wired headphone, like the TED Talk headphone. While they're having sex? Maybe, but during the interview. So it makes the interview seem so much more prolific to be like, so, tell me about, you said you are a big fan of smooth R &B. And then he just has that on.

29:50this was it? Yeah, it was a guy that went missing. Kyle's mom had just been diagnosed with cancer. He and his mom vowed to beat the cancer together just days before her first surgery. Kyle took his sister, Noelle, and his mother, Barbara, for a special treat to a Dane Cook comedy concert to lift her spirits. He was in a great mood. After the show, Kyle tells his mom that he and some friends are heading to a popular bar in uptown Charlotte.

30:16anything else keep looking on that Nick or see if Zach can because something happened it's on an episode of Disappeared a girl left a Dane Cook show every time it disappeared episode Dane Cook yeah that's why you're a producer man yeah what else dude what else been going on man how are you I know your special came out bro it was so good really? bro so good I was really happy with it Yours, Stavros's are ones that I really liked. But yeah, yours was just, it keeps going. Like the material keeps going. It's fast. It's punchy. I think you have to do that on the TV ones. Yeah. Yeah, I wanted it to look really good.

30:54And I had a lot of my sketches have like a camera that like zooms in a bunch, like on the lens. So I had somebody at the special just solely zooming in a bunch. And there's three shows. So I was like, here's the beast on the jokes. For these jokes, I'm going to look at that camera. And like when I look, we should like meet like the zoom in the middle. So like there was just somebody just the whole time just fucking giving arthritis to the guy himself just cranking away on that Sony. But yeah, I wanted it to have a good retention and just like look good. I think it was a great first special. I think it's so good.

31:22It's not like the most fucking goaded special in the world. But like I was really happy with it. And I think a lot of people liked it. Oh, dude, 100%, man. But are any of them good? I mean, some of them are good. It's hard to make one perfect. It's so hard to make comedy onto a special, as opposed to seeing it in person. It's not even the same thing. It's not even close. It's not even the same thing at all. It's almost a travesty to do it, really, in a way. Yeah, it doesn't even compare to be close. It's like when you're watching a stand-up show, you're watching anybody in the back of your room, you're always permanently smiling.

31:53You're just static holding a smile. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're constantly just laughing and smiling. You're watching at home. You're just in this... You start with a frown. Yeah. So you have to work out of a ditch. Yeah, you're at home. You're hiding from your wife in the garage or whatever. Or one of your kids wants to love you or whatever and you can't handle it or something. But yeah, you're just frowning. You're just supposed to like. Yeah, I think somebody put it the best way to me. A special, all it is, is just a giant commercial for your touring. Where you're like, hey, this is a glimpse of what a show looks like.

32:28Here's what I do for people live last year. so this is like what a Trevor Wallace or Theo Vaughn show would look like got it and I mean you're doing arenas dude so like everything is helping I mean you're fucking you're crushing right now yeah we've been it's awesome definitely been having fun man thanks you're in Australia I was out there um in November you been yeah or no yeah I've been it's just been about four years though okay because of COVID but I'm stoked bro I'm gonna go back again even like I think maybe later this year really and do like Perth and some other shows oh yeah Perth is you've been to Perth right?

32:58Yeah, we just didn't put it on there. It just, the way it put together is just like... Well, Perth is also like five hours from everywhere else. People don't realize, and me, when I say people, I mean myself, I didn't realize it's the same size as the U.S. essentially. When they're like, oh, our flight from Sydney to Perth is like five hours, it's like, how? What are we fucking driving? What's happening? What bus is this? It's a massive area. And bro, they got some fucking trans animals over there, dog. Have you seen that quokka? Bring that thing up. Dude. Yeah, those are. That thing will slurp a tit right off your face.

33:31I think he's fresh off some pop right here. Dude, definitely. The quokka's off the poppers right there. Oh, that quokka, dude. Bro, that's. Bro, you're telling me this animal. That's a Pixar animal in real life. Ain't off of Perk 30 right now? You're telling me on God's earth. They say they have, like, the best cocaine out there, and, like, that's proof of it, bro. Look at that. That's that quokkane, homie. Quokkane. That bitch is on the quokkane. There ain't not a chance he's eating that fucking cocoa leaf right there. Look at that, dude. And they're all in good shape. They got good bodies. Yeah, they're doing drugs.

34:01They're jacked, too. He's eating a leaf, bro. He thinks it's a fucking Shag and Shag burger. Oh, man. Dude, what's a wiener look like on one of those things, buddy? I was probably packing. Pull that up, Nicky.

34:14Penis. There you go. Let's see that. Oh, damn. Should have got that little birdhouse he's running, huh? Damn, bro. Is that a baby one? Oh, they have pouches, too? God, that's so cool. Maybe look for a drawing of it, Nick. Oh. Yeah, the kangaroos have weird dongs. You got that Cruella. They look like, you know, like Harry Potter sticks. Yeah, and that's so crazy. Yeah, they're weird. I was at the, have you been to the kangaroo park in, I think, Brisbane? Yeah. Yeah, I went there, and they're weird. They're just hopping around all fucking jacked up. And you can't tell if they're going to beat the fuck out of you or be cool with you.

34:53Yeah. It's almost like being around like UFC fighters. Yeah. Dude, that's so true. I was at this thing with Bert and Tom recently and Nate Diaz was there. No, really? It's like, he's one of those guys, if you look eyes for too long, you're like, we're either about to kiss or he's about to kill me. Yeah, he is. Kind of a cool, like. Super intimidating. Yeah, well, a lot of great marriages have started with even as a beating. The Stockton kangaroo right there. This is crazy, though. Oh, is he from Stockton? Yeah, dude. A lot of missing people in Stockton. You got to. Stockton is an interesting place.

35:25Oh, there's some people that are just, you're like, you can even go to like, hey, are you missing? And people are like, yeah. How did you know? Yeah, it's so weird that Stockton's in California. There's a lot of people in Stockton that are using like calling cards still and shit. You're like, what's going on? It's like a piece of New Jersey in California. Yeah, people are like, hey, can you help me get up to a pay phone? And you're like, yeah. Everybody's got carburetors on them. Yeah, just like, you're just shocked at like some of the, like people have been crossing time zones and stuff, you know?

35:56Yeah. Great place, great place. Oh, no, no. It's fun, dude. It's a fun place and people love it. And yeah, I think Disney's going to be doing a thing up there too. It sucked in. Even imagine. Hey, Goofy. Hey, Goofy, dog. you trying to fucking box or what dude I would watch that I would for sure watch that when I went to school in Tucson Arizona they had in the car washes all the like first of all I went there and I had to take Spanish right and all the kids in college? this was in high school all the kids in there were Mexican so they would all just like calling me like fegoto or whatever you know in Spanish or just different things you know and I was the only one paying attention.

36:46It was just like me and the teacher just having a one-on-one. Right. I was the only white dude. They would have like gang things would happen at lunch. They'd have to have the alarm go off. You'd have to lay down and just eat your sandwich laying down. Like an earthquake drill? Yeah, just like that. Was it an earthquake drill or gang shit? Gang shit. Gang shit does pop off. Oh, dude, it would happen. Yeah, it would happen a lot. And you'd have to lay down and just eat your burger. And then that the for real fucking vatos las violencias they would have um fights in the car wash after school and after like it's a good place oh after a certain amount that got somebody would break them out the thing and just spray it down and that would be the end of the fight that's pretty cool dude it's kind of a you know a bit of tradition it's almost like being at the rodeo kind of you know it's fun you get to like leave there with a shower so even if your eyes be ready to party and sometimes you see the rainbow in the mist you know and then you're like your hair blow dry at the end my spanish teacher she had a really saw a voice so she would talk with a speaker box attached to her hip and she had like a microphone like plug talk she had a microphone and it would project her voice and i used to take my dad's uh my dad had hip surgery and he got prescribed vicodin and he was allergic to him so he didn't take him so i would just sneak a vicodin every once in a while before spanish class so i would just be fucking biked out listening to ricky martin 2.0 just blasting away dude and she would

38:10dude it was so good i have like vivid memories of her class 9 a.m and i would smoke for class sometimes yeah and i didn't know spanish at all so just being high off of perkset hearing spanish i was like i think this is like how duolingo was invented like i just remember sitting there just nodding my head like there was music on just being like something's this is good yeah yeah Yeah, dude, she's great, man. Dude, yeah, our Spanish teacher, one of them was like a reformed gangster. Oh, that's cool. So all the Spanish they taught us was like about fucking funerales and like fucking coyotes and all kind of like.

38:46Bloody knuckles and shit. Oh, yeah, a lot of it was very violent. And then we had this other guy, Señor Vliet was his name in Mandeville. And if you made a casserola, right? What's that? Casserol. Oh. as a gift if you brought it to school you got i'm not even joking that's the craziest thing 50 000 bonus points what is this fucking whose line is it anyways just giving out insane points for nobody it was crazy dude you could be a complete failure in the class you could be pregnant you could not have a head or hands you could be in the class and have like a five your grade could be a 11 points you graduate early because of a casserole and you show up on casserole day, bro.

39:32Oh, it was a day? 75 ,000 bonus points, dude. They had the most random shit for extra credit. Sometimes we get a little sexual. It'd be like, oh, bring him his favorite hostess cookie and we'll give you some points. Go get it, dude. Yeah, they just had a teacher I was looking at. What was that thing that we saw? There was also always a pregnant girl in PE. Oh, dude. Be 16, she's like, oh, I can't run the mile. I'm pregnant. I was like, fucking jealous. oh I lost the spelling bee to a pregnant girl do you remember the word yep inconvenience which was yeah dude inconvenience of a child how many letters in I didn't realize that she probably had to spell that word because she fucking says it so god damn much she's like fuck I can't drink Sailor Jerry's because I got this inconvenience do you remember now use it in a sentence She's like, Jeremy left me with an inconvenience.

40:28Do you remember what letter you made it to? Yeah, I messed up the E and the I or the I and the E. That's a tricky one. And I was so happy she did. Helena was her name. And she was pregnant. And she kind of looked pregnant even if she wasn't pregnant. She had the attitude for it. She just, yeah, she was ready to just hatch something. It's kind of nice if you're pregnant. You just get like nine months of like, the world is your bitch. You could just, you go to the parking guy and be like, no, pregnant. You could probably get into the White House, honestly. I'm pregnant. Oh, okay. Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah.

41:03Yeah. Letter through, they start saying. It's kind of crazy. Does TSA see the baby in you when they do the scanner? Yeah, and the baby's in there like this. Viva la raza. I fucking love you, Tio. The wheel turned. What did we have? What was that? Didn't they have a thing about a teacher? Bring it back up. Yeah, an Arizona teacher was fired for her OnlyFans account. Isn't that Rachel Dozo? That's Rachel Dolezal, dude. They said once you go black, you never come back. Not the case with her. Wait, she's teaching right now? Yeah. In Tucson. Do you see this? Oh, no way. Dude, those are your people.

41:42Rachel Dolezal, who goes by Nkechi Diallo, which I'm going to say, I'm going to limp. Nkechi Diallo sounds back and way black. Like, not even American black. Diallo? Nkechi Diallo? That sounds like Kenyan. Lost her job with the Catalina Foothill School District. Wow. Was teaching kids as an after-school instructor. She was under fire in 2014, accused of misidentifying herself as black while serving as the head of the NAACP. Look, first of all, if someone wants to do a job and do it well, I don't think you should not let them do it because of their ethnicity. That goes against what the whole program is even trying to say, it feels like.

42:24But what else happened to her? Is she twerking in that video? Nuh-uh. Is that the video that got her fired? Oh. Yeah, someone screen grabbed a video. Nuh-uh. Somebody. All the kids did. Ooh. Dude, I swear I thought I saw her at the gym this morning. Oh, wow. Yeah. She's showing that oyster dressing right there, bro. She's looking for that extra credit it right there. There's her casserole. We only learned of Miss Nkechi Diallo. Everybody knows who that is, though. She'd walk in class and be like, oh, Miss Diallo. That's Rachel Dolezal. Also, like, just do OnlyFans. You don't need to be a teacher.

43:03Yeah, that's a good point, but I think you have to get, this is messed up, but where are you going to get your clientele? If you don't go to school looking hot, bro. No way. You don't go to Dude, if you had your hot teacher, you telling me if she had an OnlyFans, bro. Yeah, Miss Saffron. And you could go home after school or even be sitting in class looking at her teaching. And then you look on your phone. She has like a QR code on like her shirt or something. I think if I was a substitute teacher, that's how I'd recruit. Yeah. You know, just be like, oh, here's what you do. You go to pull up a presentation and then it's accidentally on your OnlyFans page.

43:38You're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And then you see all the kids, snap it. I mean, maybe that is a better way because now that this story is out, her OnlyFans is only going to get higher. So maybe you get fired as this is all PR. I support her, man. I wonder if she'd be interesting to talk to because Diallo has a public social media page where she has LinkedIn OnlyFans page. It doesn't say what school she was at. Catalina Foothills. That is a school, actually. Catalina Foothills. In Tucson? Yeah. It was fancy, too. I think it's messed up. Well, here's part of the problem is we're not paying the teachers.

44:14No. So what are you expecting to do? I don't think like pay. It's crazy that your teacher, right? The person who's helping guide your child. Youth of America. Has to show their labia to get their bills paid. Yeah. They want to get the scented Crayola markers. They got to show a little puss, dude. That's crazy. It's crazy though. And then it's crazy. The parents are then like, no, fuck that. At least that teacher, I think, is entrepreneurial. Yeah, she should be teaching a business class. Yeah, they should be firing whoever chooses the salaries for the school people. I did always like when the teachers would spend their own money and let the class know.

44:55They would always let the kids know and be like, this was out of Ms. Eckertson's budget. I went to Target myself on Sunday and bought these markers. Oh, shit. Hell, yeah. So if Ms. Dolezal, or sorry to say her government name, Ms. Diallo is popping some puss, but getting some, you know, scented markers. Yeah. I don't see a problem here. Look, now if she merges the two and sells some scented markers at school. That are scented like her. That's big money. Gwyneth Paltrow had a vagina candle. Did you ever see that? Yeah, the vagandles or whatever. Vagandles. But it is crazy how people are having to do, like, everybody's having to do OnlyFans.

45:33You know, you'll see like the DoorDash guy, his girlfriend's sitting there in the passenger seat and she's filming her like on a stream camp so they can make money to go home and take care of their family. To buy their family a fucking sack of warm jack-in-the-box. Yeah. They have to drive for 12 hours a day and she's up there live streaming. Dude, two coot shots that just pays for like 47 dashes. It's just crazy that it's all happening. Kind of exciting though. University of Wisconsin-La Crosse chancellor says he was fired over pornographic videos made with his wife. This happened in my hometown over Christmas.

46:11And they had a cooking channel, and they would make a dish, and then they would have sex. Oh, he was cooking something else. They would make a dish and have sex. Wait, really? Can we see? Wait, what? Yeah. Yeah, one sec. That's awesome. That's fucking Ratatouille talk right there. Yeah, I think, I mean, every teacher is no different than anyone else. Like, they're all pieces of shit. not pieces of shit, but they're all like, they're all adults. I remember in seventh grade, I saw my teacher. That's a crazy correlation. So every, yeah, every teacher is a regular, they're just a fucking person. Right.

46:44I saw my seventh grade English teacher after school one day buying a handle of pop-off vodka. Me and my friend Matt saw her and she looked over and saw us and immediately like turned. She was just buying pop-off vodka at a CVS. Dude, I remember we had a teacher who like, her shirt, I swear they like put it on like the way it would like just hold her chest and everything. It was just, if she had an OnlyFans, we would have spent, I would have raked every yard in my neighborhood. You know how high my grades probably would have been? Oh, yeah. Or bad. So you got to stay after class, get the attention.

47:19I mean, it's great PR, honestly. It's not a great society to live in, but it's great PR. It's great PR. If you teach at a local school for like three years, now all of a sudden Miss Robertson is like, oh, jobs and OnlyFans. Those three years were just promo. Yeah. That's a fucking smart move. Dola Zhao, I like it, man. Dude, did you know down-centering people can't walk backwards? Can you look that up? Yeah, and then I want to see that video. That's crazy, isn't it? They can't walk backwards? Uh-uh. Wait, isn't there? Wait, horses can't do that either. Is that?

47:56Yeah, down-centering people can't walk backwards. Yeah. so you have to do kind of like a 360. Like how many moonwalking DS people have you seen? To be honest.

48:13You know? You know? Dude, you might be honest with that. If we could train and it's impossible. But they have the heart to do it. If anybody's got the heart to moonwalk in 2024, it's going to be one of our DS brethrens. oh if we don't have a down center president by 2034 then i think we have we're not doing it right i think there should be a gang like ds13 that should be hard dog i'm gonna fucking hug you to death on me yeah so nice man oh the best well they have a great coffee shop too in dc now that's all um down syndrome people working there there's a down syndrome guy i think it's just yeah that down syndrome people can't walk backwards but But we have a guy who came on here, Chris Nickich, and we talked about him a lot, but he won or he completed the Ironman.

49:03Really? And he's Down syndrome. He can do more. I mean, he's more physically gifted than you and I will ever be. Yeah. So, I mean, he ran like 400 miles or something. Wow. And they are stronger, no? Is that? I'd love to check back in with him. That'd be cool, huh, Nick? Yeah. On a solo episode? Yeah. Let's just see how he's doing. if he's still competing he's doing only fans too yeah but that's where it's at now it's sad you know but then i guess it's like you're in control of it so maybe it's not sad maybe my view of it is sad do you think it's sad or do you think it's okay like maybe you're right maybe we put this negative connotation on it like if my teacher has an awesome body or a body that i want to see or she likes showing it off and twerking or whatever no i don't think i think we passed the point like Maybe in the beginning it might have been a little sad, but I think everybody has, even growing up, one of my friends, this kid Peter had a photo of his mom naked in the house.

50:02Oh, yeah. And that was like, you know, that was free OnlyFans back then because we would see that. And I still can remember that like visual, but she was doing that for free. Just like imagine one day we all go to his house for sleepover and she accidentally was like, oops, I left this website open. Yeah. What's your email and credit card and CVV? And now we're signing up for it. I think everybody's mom has been naked in a photo somewhere. So you might as well monetize it. Yeah. I think as long as it doesn't interrupt with like what you're, I don't know. I don't see a problem with it. There's this cooking couple and they cook and then, oh, this is on Pornhub.

50:37This is legitimate. So wait, this, these people were from your hometown? Yeah. He was the chancellor at UWL and they found out and he got fired. And now he's probably going to sue because he says they like, it was his first amendment rights. Yeah. You know, I kind of, I don't think that it's wrong. You know, if people were going to do what they want to do, I think it might be a little strange. Here's the strange part is if kids can go and see you doing something that's pretty, pretty graphic, that ain't good for kids. No, no. Yeah. I mean, doing this with 20 ,000 views, definitely fire him for sure.

51:16I mean, if this was like 10 million, you're like, dude, fuck yeah. Now he's got a career. I think he's trying to sue to make headlines. Dude, high school was freaking nuts, bro. Yeah, dude. There was two teachers that started dating. They both got divorced and started dating in my middle school. And it was like, remember when viral was just like word of mouth? Like, that's what it was. Everybody was like, dude, fuck it. One was a home ec and one was a history teacher. Yeah. So they were getting historical in that place. Dude, remember when viral was just some dude yelling something in the hallway?

51:46Yeah. Or like one guy did something in like math class. He threw a wad of soap and toilet paper to the ceiling, and then everybody heard about it at lunch. That was viral. They're like, damn, Ricky wadded up the fucking science, bro. Yeah, dude. What a legend, dude. It was easy to be a legend back then. Oh, it was so easy to be a legend. You could do anything. We had these dumb high school pranks. We'd take ketchup packets, and we'd put them under the toilet seat. Somebody would go to sit down and shoot at the back of their legs. Dude, now that I think about it, I would kill myself if that happened to me.

52:18if I was at lunch or if I was trying to pee in between Spanish class I'm off a Vicodin and I get shot by Heinz 57 in the kneecaps I'm taking my own life bro there's nothing gayer for some reason than the back of your leg dude you walk into class and someone's like do you something like ketchup but really even when you just touch the back of your leg it feels like it just it feels like you could fuck it it feels like it's been fucking meeting guys somewhere isn't waiting for it but like imagine like trying to wipe that off oh it feels like veal kind of doesn't it does it feels more expensive yeah yeah yeah a little tender yeah dude if you touch the back of your legs man it just feels more expensive yeah that's maybe what that's the part that i think if i had a casket the open casket that had cremation i'd have that down there like bone marrow type thing oh yeah i like that like a dip yeah yeah yeah yeah i love that if you're open casket definitely chips and everything around you yeah because you don't want people to have to come up and feel like they can't stay and look at you.

53:19That's the thing that I did hate sometimes. It was horrible to see somebody sometimes open casket, but you felt like you only got two seconds, and then it wasn't cool of you, and you had to go back and cry by those chairs and stuff. Yeah. Because, yeah, some people, you want to get back in line. Oh, that's true. That's true. I would maybe do sunglasses or maybe like, I don't know. Yeah. but Def put a perk 30 on somebody if you go to their open casket put it right on their lapel or something put it in dad's hand nobody even knows this episode is sponsored by Blue Chew let's talk about sex fellas remember the days when you were ready to go now you can increase your performance and get the extra confidence in bed listen up it's bluechew.com Blue Chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, but in chewable tablets and at a fraction of the cost.

54:24The best part, it's all done online. So no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try Blue Chew free when you use our promo code Theo at checkout. Just pay$5 shipping. That's B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W.com. Promo code Theo to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. That's right. If you have been struggling, if you're not sure of yourself, if there's something going on inside of you or in your thoughts and it's just, you can't handle it.

55:14You need some help. Well, BetterHelp is a place to start. I've used BetterHelp and I'm thankful for that. BetterHelp is entirely online designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist, and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. That's it. BetterHelp. Therapy can be a place to work through the challenges you face in all your relationships, whether with friends, work, your significant other, or yourself. become your own soulmate whether you're looking for one or not visit betterhelp.com slash Theo today to get 10 % off your first month that's better H-E-L-P betterhelp.com slash Theo um bro you know what those the craziest in high school were those people that came and did like the anti-drug performances that or the DUI guy do you have like a dui guy yeah we had all we had this dude maestro mac was his name right he he taught something he taught something at our school right and suddenly he showed up one day and he was just in like wrestling like you like shorts or a unitard or something and he would oh he would say like karate my body and then he would just break a fucking brick or something with his hand right and everybody's like what they're like is this anti-drug because this makes me want to do coke yeah this makes me want to do drugs dude the craziest part was too like one time um he uh he had like a bunch of wood or whatever right um that he was gonna break you know and and the shop teacher would always get pissed because he'd be like he'd be jealous that he had all this spare wood he'd be like we're fucking we're we have nothing to build out of mechanical pencils over here it's crazy it was crazy bro because the shop teachers they would always steal like these wooden like parts by the baseball field that had advertisements on them and then you'd see like bird houses like a month later and they would they'd all have like uh auto glass or something on the side of it like what the fuck yeah dude made in stocksman but that dude he one time maestro mac um yeah people were like like 9 a.m too it was like you'd get to class and they'd be like, oh, we're not doing class today.

57:43We're learning about an assembly. Yeah, we're doing an assembly and it's about no drugs. And this guy, his wife would go out and light like two smoke bombs or whatever in the gym. That's good. And then he would like come running out in between them. It was so bizarre. And then like the finale one time, she was hitting him in the head with a broomstick, right? Like right to break it across his head. And she hit him like three times, right? And it didn't break. Like, and everybody, you could see the cops start to kind of walk over a little bit, like the security guards and shit. And people started yelling one more time.

58:20This turns into WWE. Dana White's in there like, you better fuck him up, man. So this is to prevent drugs? Yeah, I guess, bro. I was like, and then she hit him three more times. He was bleeding everywhere. And then they shut it down. Dude, the best drug prevention should just be a guy who's really coked out trying to pitch you on starting a podcast for like an hour. and he just doesn't stop talking to the whole auditorium. He's like, you don't get a man, Bluetooth, VPN, plug talk, and he just keeps going about it. I would never do it. We had a DUI one, and they would make us put on these goggles that made it feel like you were drunk, and then we'd get in a drive simulator.

58:55I got pretty good at it. Yeah, dude. Because it just made me want to be like, how good is this? Because they had to test it somewhere. I'm like, are they just riffing this in a laboratory somewhere? or they're sending out Thomas who's hammered off a couple of steel reserves. Go drive the Bronco around the block and see what you get into. And so wait, it was like an Oculus type of thing. So it was, yeah, it looked like an Oculus, but it was like, look it up, Nick. Like lab coat, like plastic glasses. But the vision, it just looked like, like maybe glasses that your dad would wear that were really thick.

59:26Like, but they were just really bad eyesight that just blurred everything. So every time I like drunk driver simulator, like goggles. yeah they just look like that but they like yeah they just made you see really blurry but it was like kind of fun to do it like 9am All the football players were like, this is how I drive to practice. Fatal vision impairment goggles. Jesus. The fatal vision alcohol goggles deliver memorable lessons on topics like impaired driving, underage drinking, and other substance abuse issues. Participants perform simple activities or sobriety tests without and then with the goggles.

1:00:04Performing the activities takes twice. Performing the activities twice lets participants experience their performance while unimpaired and then impaired. Is this what you're talking about? Yeah, it was like these. Wow. So, yeah, it would show like how drunk you were. So you would feel drunker the second time because the goggles just alter your kind of perception? Yeah. So it kind of just looks like if you were, I'm trying to think, like it just looked like you were looking at like really foggy glass almost. Like a fun mirror type thing. Yeah. But, yeah, we would do this at like 9 a.m. And a lot of times they would bring like a mangled up car that was involved in an accident.

1:00:37And they'd be like, this was a car so-and-so was in. And then the guy's there to talk about it. I'm like, dude, so you get a DUI and now you get to tour the U.S.? Yeah. Doing like door deals with a high school. And they would always like have like somebody is spray painted like, like Trank, like Trank Lord or something on the car. And there would be like a, like a bloody cheerleader, like hanging out. I feel like they always had that shit. Yeah. They'd paint the story. And then you just go back to class after that. It'd be like time to learn about meiosis. When we just learn about a guy who mangled a car with his best friend in it.

1:01:13Now, it's a really weird thing to give high schoolers at literally 9 a.m. Bro, that was an unbelievable time for high schoolers because it was really the time of day you had just woken up. You hadn't been awake the first hour and a half. You don't know what the fuck you were doing. You were happy. You were just making sure you were alive. 9 a.m., you kind of pipe up a little bit, and they take you there. And then the guy showing you like, yeah, his handle is like Tranklord5000. You're like, we're supposed to follow this dude? Yeah, I never really got the, I don't know. Like, it would make me just feel really sad for the person that lost her life.

1:01:49But I don't know if it deterred me from drinking and driving. Yeah, like the mom would be there and they'd be like, Alejandro could have lived to be 20. And you're like, only 20? That doesn't even make any sense. Like, they would have like, He's still not even old enough to drink, dude. He's getting plastered off wine coolers. Sometimes the exchange rate, like the verbal exchange rate, like with the person who would come in was so awful. It would be so weird. that we had a guy officer bob and he was like the biggest cop they ever made right like they really oh they put him in the car and then i swear i don't think he could get out of the car for like years like he was literally had to live in the cop car he's like that famous he was that big he was very big oh that big okay and his weight had shut down um look up covington louisiana dare officer Bob, B.O.B., and his way to shut down even his windpipe, it like pushed.

1:02:44Really? Yeah, and he would be like, don't do drugs. I love you guys. You know? And if he pulled you over for a ticket, you had to walk back. He just had license and registration through the intercom? Oh, it was known through town. You had to walk back and get the ticket from him. Yeah. He just was too big. He couldn't handle it. This might have been before they had photography. The internet? yeah maybe just go to images let's see that's so funny I like seeing a fat cop you know they're just going against society norms yeah like I'll still catch them do you ever see a cop just being a cop like living up to the stereotype like at a donut shop and you're like fuck yeah yeah dude live it up dude yeah it is pretty respectable man yeah why not there's something nice about it yeah we've seen so many great like that's one cool thing you see at the shows now just with like watching the shows making sure everything after the show you get to talk to the cops I'm like, we threw out this guy.

1:03:37We threw out. Like some dude urinated in a woman's hair, like thought it was a bathroom. It was wasted. What city? I think it was Pueblo, Colorado. Yeah. That high altivation altitude. I can't even say it. Yeah. That's crazy. Some, you know, a child of a couple of, you know, a couple of gold miners or whatever. And this dude's just splash scalping some bird. And she said she sat there. she didn't know what was going on and then after a little while she was like, what's happening? Do you know people at Taylor Swift concerts, there's some girls that wear a diaper because they don't want to miss any of the concerts so they'll just pee themselves?

1:04:16Yeah, they're doing it. Because I mean, tickets are so expensive, like a pee probably costs them like$648 or something. Yeah, it's 20 minutes of your time. Yeah. So you might as well just pee your pants on it, honestly. Some Taylor Swift fans say they're wearing adult diapers to her show so they don't miss any songs. It totally makes sense, especially these days. I think if anybody wears a diaper to my show, because they're going to shit themselves from packing to me Zens. The amount of times I see vape smoke in my crowds, I fucking love it. Anybody that comes out to see me, I'm like, I love you guys.

1:04:46It's just so true to the content I put out. It's so Native American.

1:04:53They're heckling with fucking smoke signals. Pussy. They just write F-A-G in the air with smoke. heckling you by blowing oh this is so funny that's hilarious bro yeah I like getting recognized by cops it happens more like a lot of cops watch my stuff which is weird I'm like when you guys have time to do this it makes me feel good when they're like dude I love your stuff like I've had a cop be like shy yeah not starstruck because I don't think it's like that but I think they're just like oh shit like nervous around me I'm like you have a gun I should be nervous around you. Don't study your words around me.

1:05:35Hey, you have a gun. I have a Four Loko advertisement, okay? Hey, you made the Kyle videos, right? You are in control of the bad people. Use your gun. Put me in handcuffs. When was the last time you were in the back of a cop car? Oh, my friend Billy and I, my buddy Billy Conforto, RIP, man. he was uh famous one of the most famous gay prize fighters and uh prize he just fought he was like one of the first gays that could really fight they didn't have it people would like call him a name and then beat their ass and they get the shit beat out of yeah that's awesome so it was amazing dude it was like oh this is different that'd be such a good dare like if somebody didn't know but hey go call him oh it was great i yeah one thing i remember when i was young i always wanted friends that had like something different about him you know like one of my first friends was this guy douglas and he had a stutter and i'd never heard it you know and then billy you know the gay fighter and douglas was like don't call him a and then billy would just knock someone out if they did call him a an f-a-g-o-t dude i wanted to be different so bad growing up i told people i was colorblind yeah like i went my mom so bad to point my doctor my mom took me to the doctor and he's like pointing at something that's a yellow and he's like what color is that i was like blue.

1:06:53Just riffing. I just wanted to be different so bad. Oh, I'd just yell the N-word at a couple Mormons, dude. I'd be like, you don't believe I'm colorblind? And I would just drop it right on. I'm Mormon? Yeah, I wanted to be colorblind. Nazareth. With that Nazareth I'm talking about. Oh, that word. Yeah. Okay. That's what I'm talking about. Bro, shout out to black Mormons. Are there any black Mormons? I think so. We need more.

1:07:25We need more, man. We had a lot of blonkeys in our area growing up. What's that? Like black dudes that want to be white, you know? Like the opposite of Wiggas, you know? Oh. We had hella blonkeys, bro. Okay. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, Big Bob. Our cop, he just like, he'd get on that loudspeaker. He'd be like, like he just couldn't get, he was so big. Do people have to handcuff themselves to get in the car? They would do it. How do I do this? He's like, I go there. Look like Jabba the Hutt. Dude, but me and Billy, so we got pulled over. Billy had like a pound of weed on him. So he, or in the car, so he picks it up.

1:08:09He puts it in his shirt, right? They take us out of my car, put us in the cop car to search my car. Oh, but he had the weed on him? Yeah, the weed on him. So now we're sitting in the cop car with the pound of weed on him. and then they're like all clear they put us back in the car we fucking drove off holy shit that was awesome i wonder if anybody's ever got like pulled over for like a parking ticket and put like a pound of weed in their ass just because they're scared or like got pulled over or like you know how sometimes cops will clear the highway just like stop traffic i wonder if anybody's seen that and like freaked out and put an eight ball in their ass just start fucking slowly knuckling nugs up their hole they're putting just like the og for loco in there they're like it's illegal now moonshot there has to be a tragic story out there of somebody who they thought a cop was stopping or maybe they weren't it could have been something else it's like apartment security and he's like oh fuck the guy's just jamming eight ball of heroin up there a 12 sack of dirt weed sees mall security he's like oh fuck it's just so crazy to put something in your ass that fast too and it's hard It's hard to do.

1:09:19I love how people are like, yeah, just toss it in my ass. I don't think I'd be able to talk okay to the cop. No. If I had a fucking eight ball in my ass. Oh, because you're just hoping that that plastic holds out or you're dead. I mean, you're living life on the Vita Loco mode for about 10 seconds. You're crushing it the second it breaks through. But it is sensitive down there. I mean, it goes straight into the bloodstream. Did you? Yeah, they used to have like that thing, Vajipin or whatever, when people put LSD in their vagina? I remember. I feel like I've heard of that. Vajip? Vajipin? A lot of chicks would do that shit.

1:09:54Dude, imagine eating a chick out while she does that. She just turns into like a custard pie. But like imagine What? One time my friend said this girl Yeah, she just turns into a fucking edge of a table or something. The effect of the LSD goes to you and you just forget what you're doing down there and just floating. You just think you're kissing an oyster at a beach or whatever. It's romantic. Yeah, you're at a fucking red lobster just slurping face with some oyster. Am I at Tatsu Ramen right now? Have you ever done Salvia? Wasn't that like gas station dope kind of? Yeah, you could just be 18 and up, but you would trip really hard.

1:10:4018 and up. Yeah, they sold it like it was cigarettes. You could smoke it and your life is different for about 15 minutes. Like the entire world, you can literally just smoke this and go out into the real world. It's crazy. Salvia is the largest genus of plants in the sage family with nearly thousands of pieces of shrubs and annuals within the... Salvia is part of the tribe Menthea...

1:11:05There's a really funny video. I mean, this guy says salvia and then he goes gardening. It's like OG YouTube. It's fucking hilarious. Yeah, that guy, that guy.

1:11:18This guy smokes salvia and then tries to garden.

1:11:25It's kind of a long video, but...

1:11:31Maybe speed it up a little bit. It just falls over. Maybe I was on salvia watching this, but... Hold on. the guys are now laying on the ground, right? Kind of quivering. The text goes, want to see more Salvia challenges. What is this? Cardiac arrest. That's not a Salvia challenge. Yeah, no, you like full-blown trip balls for 15 minutes and they just sell it out of gas stations. That's crazy. You can just buy it. Bro, it's crazy how the Food and Drug Administration, can we just say that they don't care about this? They don't care. They do not care. They don't care about us. You could buy this and go to jury duty and just sit there.

1:12:18Jury duty is fucking hilarious. It's like a flight that never takes off. You're just sitting there. Man, I wish you could pick your cases. I wish they had a menu like, oh, here's the cases they're doing today. Because then I could see if I want to pretend like I'm racist or not to try and get out of it. Oh, yeah. You got to drive. Yeah. I roll right in there and tell them I'm racist. What T-shirt are you wearing? And last time they're like, we have so many races here today. We still have to ask you guys a couple questions. We got to filter through that, see how racist you are. Damn, man. Dude, I got called into a jury and then there was a bunch of people trying to give excuses.

1:12:55You ever try to give an excuse? Dude, people bomb. People, because I was like third up. And this girl's like, oh, I have a child. And he's like, well, have you ever heard of a babysitter? And then the girl's like, oh, well, I, uh, next. to me. This is when I first started touring. I was like, I'm a touring comedian. He believed it, but I'm surprised he wasn't like, do a tight five right now. It's terrifying. It's intense, man. I can't believe Dirty Duty is a real thing. We just go and grab a random group of 100 of America's dumbest people and be like, hey, sit in this room. We're going to use 10 of you to solve this murder.

1:13:32It blows my mind. Well, it's the craziest part about it is... This bitch works at a Leslie's pool supply and now they're fucking in charge of a murder. Now they're trying to figure out who killed Kennedy right here. Like, are you trying to find the guy to the Dane Cook concert? And some guy's like, I don't know the difference between a cucumber and a pickle. And you want me to decide on this jury? This is a Fuddruckers manager. This is a Fuddruckers manager. Yeah. They shouldn't be putting somebody in jail. Blows my mind. Also. It seems lazy. Well, it's like, these days I think people can be so divided too politically that if you see somebody and they're not like your type or whatever, then immediately.

1:14:21There should be a better pool to draw from. Like every kid who was on the debate team in high school, like pull from those fuckers. Yeah. Like we shouldn't have to get the guy who drives the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile around town to be like, I think he stabbed that bitch. You did it, sir. you did it in behind the hot dog truck yeah and now they even have the other day they caught an illegal alien on a fucking the guy didn't even speak English and they caught him on a jury it's like what is even this guy's coming to our country he doesn't eat and he's just telling if people are murdered he can't even speak English yeah he just does this points he's fucking with them he's like huh that's crazy and it's a jury like you could riff like you'd be like I don't like this guy's outfit.

1:15:04Let's send him in. It just blows my mind that we're just crowdsourcing if somebody's guilty or not. It's just everything has gotten pretty bananas, man. It just seems lazy on the government to be like, we'll have society do it. Or maybe it's fair. I don't know. I don't know anything. Well, the government's gotten, the government is out of business, really. Yeah. I mean, have you been around even the U.S. postal system? It's like... I was just talking about this. I get mail that's sent to my house. It says, to Trevor Wallace or current resident. Like, how desperate is that? Like, for Trevor Wallace or fucking anybody.

1:15:41Anybody who lives here. It's, like, sad. Like, why you gotta be like, if you want. Yeah. It's almost mail begging you to open. Yeah. And there's no good mail anymore, and it's like, all the mail is trash. It's all fucking just a bunch of smack on paper. Yeah, they put those fake fucking credit cards in there to, like, be like, oh, I think he's gonna open it up. The shitty part is there's a lot of Americans that are like, I just got a new visa. It's like, open now, urgent. Let's get a credit card to fucking Mervins. Credit shouldn't be urgent. That is my money. Yeah, open. Do not bend. I hate, all mail is bullshit.

1:16:18Do not bend. It's paper. Yeah. I got to do a bathroom. You do? Yeah. Yeah, hit it up, man. Is it inside or outside? It's inside. Next time we should put ketchup under your seat. Bro, there is nothing real gayer than the back of your legs, huh? Such a funny place to get pregnant. Just to, like, imagine this. You got to shit real bad at school. You just ate a honey bun. Fuck! That's so crazy. Like, what? You can't really deal with it at the moment because you're shitting. Yeah. You're like, what do I wipe first my legs from my ass? Dude, I wonder if, one thing about a coffin you don't see much is somebody face down in a coffin.

1:16:57That's so funny. Lying on their hands like that. Yeah, that's funny. That seems more peaceful, honestly. Yeah, it's really true, huh? Like, who lies like that in a coffin? Yeah, I'm a side sleeper, honestly. So maybe I'll just turn the casket vertical. Yeah, side in a coffin would be kind of nice looking over at somebody. Yeah, and even one of your hands up like this is pointing at him. Dude, what if he did one of these? Like it's a selfie opportunity like the wax museum. Yeah, maybe a sleep mask would be kind of cool. Bro, but that's unbelievable that that chart had said now it's 76 % of people are cremated.

1:17:34Bro, that's unbelievable. It was 4 % in 1960? Did they have that technology back then? That had to be a hard pitch. Like the first guy to do cremation. Yeah. We could just burn the motherfucker. What? I don't know. I'm just spitballing. I'm just thinking about the future, dude. I'm not saying Satan's winning, but we could just fucking torch the guy. That seems like how you airdrop yourself to hell is just by doing cremation. Yeah. You know, it just seems, I don't know. Yeah. You know, like, well, I think it also used to, well, also used to have all like the mummies and like they would mummify people.

1:18:12They would bury them. One of the big things back in the day was they would bury you with things you needed to get to the next life. Like sometimes I think that could be one of the reasons why like we're stalling out here as a society because we're not even burying people. First of all, we're burning people up. There's no way God looks down and is like, chill. Hell yeah. Good. Nice. Well, they're burning. Right next to the wood fire pizzas.

1:18:41Dude, imagine if you went to a funeral where somebody was cremated and then went to a wood burning pizza oven after. Dude, that would be a really good two for one. Yeah. Like burn your dad, get some barbecue chicken pizza. I don't know. The whole thought of it freaks me out. It's so weird. Oh, it's so weird. One thing to me that's interesting was I think we used to prepare people, literally, like they would prepare people, they would bury them with different, can you look it up there? That is true, yeah, because they'd find a lot of people buried either with their cat or like, first of all, my cat would be so pissed down there.

1:19:13Yeah, stuff they needed for the afterlife. Yeah, wow. What are you bringing? Yeah, bring up people burying people with afterlife stuff. The ancient Egyptians tomb was supplied with items the deceased would need in the afterlife food household goods and the body itself Often the supplies provided were also duplicated in other forms food and furniture For example were painted or carved into the banquet scenes on the tomb walls But yeah, they needed you to get to the afterlife So I think then a lot more people were actually making it through to the afterlife now We're not even burying people with shit so that it's fucking stalling back out.

1:19:48It's like Burning Man. It's like you didn't bring anything. You're not going to the next life. So the spirit just gets kicked back here. And that's why everybody gets born like, oh, this guy's dumb as fuck because he's just stalled out here. It's like we're almost like... It's a giant potluck. You didn't bring anything? They just send you right back. Yeah, I think that's one of the problems. Our spirits are stalled out because we're not getting the right tools to get... What do you think you would bring? It's like Zelda Breath of the Wild. I'd bring that thing that lets you, like, when you jump off or something to let you glide.

1:20:16Oh, yeah? I thought you meant one of those pull-up bars you put on a doorframe. Dude, if you're a chick and you go to a guy's house and he has a pull-up bar on the doorframe, girl, you better wrap up because his wife is going to be home soon. Let's just say he's a Theta Chi. Let's be real factual about that. Yeah, I think I probably, yeah, knows, knows, knows. No girl sees that and is like, oh, fuck yeah. You can't afford a Planet Fitness membership. dude every place i go perform for colleges like apparently the frat or whatever that like is roofing everybody is always pike i feel yeah yeah our neighbors in the in the frat uh at college were pike and that was a whole like stereotype they got kicked off campus my first semester there and then they just come to our parties like dog no yeah bro yeah they're notorious for it yeah That is.

1:21:07For just really having a blast. I'm doing a college gig this week, actually. You are? St. Louis. Mizzou? Mizzou? I'm flying into St. Louis, but they're always far. It's in Rollo. It might be University of Missouri. It's in Rollo? Can you look at what's in Mizzou? It's not on my website. The great part, you don't have to promote these college shows. Oh, yeah, that's nice. Can you just type in Rollo University? Dude, I don't know anything. Yeah, that's it. R-O-L-L-O. I think it's an O. R-E-L-L-O. I don't know. But, yeah, I will say, like, the front row is just all just frat guys yelling. Yeah. I did a, you know, Sean Evans from Hot Ones, yeah?

1:21:43Yeah. I did a Hot Ones Live at a college with him, me and him. It was so fun. But all these frat guys were in the crowd. Put on more sauce, pussy! Am I getting heckled while crying, eating chicken wings? Frat guys are the best people ever. Oh, dude. They're just walking exclamation points. People are like, yeah, like, we were out the other night, and those guys, like, record me. One guy would be recording. One guy would show someone his phone. It would be like, upper deck of Zen or fuck your dad. And then the other guy's recording. You still have to give your answer. Oh, the street interviews.

1:22:13Yeah. Those guys spawn out of nowhere. You can be anywhere. And a guy will pop up, be like, yo, gay son or thought daughter. What do you, what would you rather have? Dog, we're not fucking Barnes and Noble, dude. How did you get in here? They just pop out of nowhere. That's content now. Yeah. Content is surprise content. Oh, bro. So that's one thing that I haven't been like, I don't like that ambush style shit. Yeah, it's shocking, dude. And I don't like the surprise stuff because you forget that when you're talking to somebody, like if it's at an event or something like that, that somebody could be recording it.

1:22:42Yeah. It's crazy. I mean, where was I? It's too scary because if you don't know, I never even know what I'm saying half the time. So I'm like, dude, I was in New York and some guy tapped me on the shoulder. I had headphones and sunglasses on and he tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and he goes, with a camera, he had a camera cry and a mic. And he goes, when was the last time you cried? Like, bro, huh? huh? I'm walking in a park by myself probably pretty soon. We're not far from it. But I had, I asked the guy after, I was like, like I started to riff with him and I was like, dude, I don't know who this guy is.

1:23:09Like, can we, I was like, can you actually just delete it? He's like, no, for sure. And I was like, no, like, let me watch you delete it. It was very weird. Yeah. This pop-up shit. And you're such a recognizable guy. You probably happens to you all the time. I see clips of it. Yeah. I start seeing shit that I can't even, I'm like, oh, that was recorded that was a thing it really gets kind of it gets kind of I don't want to say scary it's kind of it's crazy some of it's invasive well yeah and that's the thing you don't know now if somebody just whispers something to you like that if somebody's in the distance recording it so you could say something even if you think it's just between friends or something and then they can burn you up on something you know yeah dude I'll see you like I mean dude you're like walking through like a minor league like baseball dugouts it was like Theo Vaughn how big's a car now you're just all over TikTok and Reddit because you gave a thumbs up like anything you do people are like some girl the other day she's driving by in her car I guess she drove by and then she came back around real slow and she's like what's up Theo and I was like let me see that puss but that's what they want but that's what you need that's what people want to see they want to see that somebody drove by they want that outlandish Theo clip and you said let me see that puss which is what you're thinking anyway You're just like a walking NFT.

1:24:26Like if anybody gets footage of you being you, they now have a prized possession of like Theo yelling, let me see that post. Yeah, shit gets weird, man. It's crazy. Dude, we went to, oh, you know what we did that was so awesome? We went to Caitlin Clark broke the. Oh, Louisiana. Or no, not Louisiana. Indianapolis? Oh, fuck it. I'm going to shut up. Iowa. But Indianapolis isn't far off. But she broke. They'd all be on the same tour schedule. The women's scoring record. Oh, you were there for that? Bro, we went. How did the crowd go when she broke it? It was crazy. Oh, it was good? Me and Kayla Presley went.

1:25:00And, bro, yeah, he's so funny, man. What a neat guy. And, yeah, we went, bro. We literally had a blast, man. I mean, we just showed up. And her boyfriend, Connor McCaffrey is her boyfriend, and his brother Patrick. And we got to sit with them. Dude, you'd be everywhere. You'd just be at events. well this was cool man i just i never got to see like i mean it was just watching her play is just really like it's a vibe the whole team man like hannah stolke they got a bunch of like it's fun um it was just really interesting and you're watching and it's like the energy is hype like i haven't been to like a lot of i guess women's basketball games a lot of times you think like oh man you know but this shit was hype bro yeah dude i saw a duke game and like how packed in their stadium is.

1:25:50And that energy was fucking awesome. Here's a shot right here that it broke the record. Oh. Gang, bro. What a banger. Oh, yeah. I'm immediately shotgunning a Bud Light. Bro, she's a freaking. And that was from downtown. Oh, she's a sniper. Logo three. That's what she said. She threw it up. That's what they run it as. Really? She just popped off. That was to break the record. Potties out there. Oh, in Iowa? No, all-time points for women in NCAA. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, it was all-time points for women in NCAA. She also hit 1 ,000 assists that game. Wow. How many points was that? I think she said 36-something.

1:26:27How much points is she at, Nick? She's at 35-69. And she had 49 that game. Yeah, it was her highest ever. She had 23 in the first quarter. We were like, bro, you feel like you are incapable. We were like, God. Yeah. Dude, that's awesome. But that was pretty sick, man. That was probably one of the neater things that I've done in the past year. That's great, man. That was just pretty cool. You've been any cool events? Did you go to Super Bowl? I was there Super Bowl week. I got to open the Bert and Tom show in Vegas. It was my first arena. It was awesome. Dude, yeah. What was that like? It was surreal.

1:26:59It's a different ball game. It was surreal. So pretty much I got asked to do this golf tournament out there. And then I booked my own show. Just had Wise Guys do some work on some new shit. And then me and Tom are repped at the same agency. Yeah, you're there too. And just kind of put a feeler out there. Like, hey, Trevor's going to be there. if you guys, you know, he just wants to watch the show. Then they're like, yeah, would he be down to cold open it? And I was like, fuck yeah. And at first they're like, do five minutes. Now I'm like, just five minutes is so hard because you're like, what five minutes are people going to get to know me on?

1:27:29And then like do seven. I was like, all right, great. And then like do 10. And then I'm just like, great. Now I have like an actual opportunity to do some bits in this. Yeah. And you're like, you're realizing, oh, these guys are too drunk to go to work right now. Yeah, dude, they're standing in, okay? They're like, Bert is somewhere relapsed a fucking six milligram Zinn Bender. He's too busy blasting Bon Jovi with his tits out. But it was, fuck, I was so nervous. It was 13 ,000 people. No way. Yeah, I mean, it's fucking, it's insane. And there was cold open, so it was just like, all the lights were on, and then - The lights were on?

1:28:02Well, right before they announced me. They're like, all right, lights were on, they cut black, and then they go, Trevor Wallace. Like, there was no, like, show begin. It just, like, you know, I haven't cold opened It's so hard. It's so long. Yeah. Bro, one time I did a show. Rogan invited me to do a show with him and Andrew Santino. And it was in Atlanta. And I was there just working the club or something. He's like, you want to jump on my show? I was like, sure. We're standing backstage talking. I had no idea I was going on first. Literally, they announced out there, you go. I walk out there, bro.

1:28:32It was a couple thousand people. So scared. Couldn't fucking talk. Didn't know some of my bits. Didn't know some of my words. People were sitting down. I was so nervous. Oh. I was so nervous because like obviously I've done stand up thousands of times, but like 10 minutes in front of it's impossible. And the lineup is me, Bobby, Shane, Tom Burt. And I'm like, I don't because as the first comic, if you kind of suck, you might steer the show in a weird direction. You know, I have the set in my head and I'm like, yeah, this is here we go. We're going to do it. And then I'm just like nervous. I get really like quiet before shows.

1:29:05I don't know. And then like you're in the green room. It's fucking like, I mean, Guy Fieri's back there. Jimmy Kimmel's back there. And you're just like, all of these people are going to watch. Yeah. But luckily, when they announced my name, like a good amount of the crowd felt like they knew or was at least aware of me. And then I took the wrong way to get on the stage. I'm fucking panicking. So I'm like, let me just. There's nothing worse. The first time I did the comedy store, same thing. I went the wrong route. You're like opening under the comedy store sign. You just look like an idiot. Yeah.

1:29:35So I just went and got a joke out as quick as possible. It actually was really, I think it was as good as it could have been for what it was. It wasn't like standing ovation worthy, but I thought it was a great cold open and burn Tom. Said nice things after. Oh, it's amazing, dude, to get to do that show. I'm freaking jealous, man, to get to do that is amazing. Yeah, so I was in the Super Bowl, but I didn't stay for the Super Bowl. Were you at the game? No, I didn't go, man. I felt like it was going to be, I don't know if I wanted to be around so much. Sometimes there's so much going on at those things.

1:30:03It's like everybody's trying to make videos. it just feels kind of like overwhelming, you know? It's not even about the game, it feels like. Like everybody was there. We're at this lunch spot and LeBron walks by. And you're like, oh, LeBron's here? Ain't nobody give a shit about me. Yeah. It was nuts. Guy, what's his name? Gordon Ramsay was at the same bottle service because I was with Sean and we went out to this club. And Gordon Ramsay just had a table. And they're like, why am I ever at the same table as Gordon Ramsay? Yeah. So bizarre. Oh, dude, I went to Bobby Kennedy's birthday dinner. Yeah.

1:30:33I mean, it's all just crazy. of the shit you end up in and as weird as the world gets now it's like the shit that's going on is even getting weird yeah so it's like it was me um my friend aaron uh bobby kennedy uh his wife john stockton and mel gibson just crazy just fucking like in what world are we all together and for why yeah and what problem are we supposed to solve yeah like we had no like it was but just crazy sitting there just eating dessert just talking to mel gibson that's john stockton yeah one of the i think he was an all-time assist leader i don't know if he still is or not you ever met anybody that you were nervous by yeah i think some of that goes away over time though because you just get used to meeting people who are popular yeah for me still it's any decent looking woman okay yeah yeah yeah you uh with hot chicks in interviews are always funny oh it's fucking hard.

1:31:32Anytime you do a hot chicken on the pod, I feel like you turn so shy. You're like, it's hard. You ever had a pudding before? She's like, what? We could just cut to the ads. You're like, bring in a casserole right now. 50 ,000 bonus points. The comments are so funny because they're always just like, you can tell how nervous Theo is when the hot chicks are on. I know. We got to get some more cool chicks in, man. Dude, they're out there. I know. We got to get some neat in. I want to get some fucking eseitas, you know? Some Latinas, man. Oh, yeah. You should do... We want to get peso pluma. Oh, he'd be awesome.

1:32:09I sent a DM to El Chapo. His wife, dude. Fuck. You should not be doing that, dude. Yeah, bro. It was... I didn't know. I thought El Chapo was Despacito or something. What is it called? Not alive? Decapitated? No. Muerto. I thought... Doesn't that mean Wednesday? okay what is it Nick Muerto is death okay I thought he was yeah death I thought he was death and I thought El Chapo yeah and I thought his wife had been in prison so I was like I just heard an article she's got out of prison I was like oh I'm gonna say what's up yeah you know I'm gonna freaking slide and see if I can get her on the pod you know I guess I don't know it's so crazy to get out of prison to be like yo trying to hop on the pod you should do Gypsy Rose we hit her up but Because everybody kept tagging us in some story like, get Gypsy Rose.

1:33:04And we hit her up, but she didn't reply back. But I think she just played in, didn't she just play in like NBA All-Star Weekend or something? Did she really? I thought she did. Dude, they'd be putting everybody in that fucking game. They'd put anybody in that game. It's just like Jack Harlow guarding up on Gypsy Rose. Yeah, dude. That shit's crazy, bro. Yeah, it's like the Easter Bunny fucking guarding Kid Leroy or whatever. You're like, what's going on? Kid Rocks the Rep, dude. He's just blowing a crack pipe instead of a whistle. Why smoke cracks so bad? Bro. It looks warm. Well, one of the best things about it I've heard is that you can stay up and get things done.

1:33:45I feel that so much. Because Coke, sometimes it's too erratic to get things done. But crack this so you can actually get some things done. The MyPillow guy, Michael, I'm not sure of his name. Mike Lindell. Mike Lindell. he has a book that I read and it's about his crack addiction and how he held on to his brand the whole time he was flying to Vegas on the weekends to stay up all night and gamble he was like counting cards and he'd make just enough money to keep his pillow obsession going so he made a pillow company while cracked out so he made something to sleep while he was never sleeping it's fucking genius if you think about it somebody's like how does it feel?

1:34:23he's like I have no idea I've never tried it that's just where I hide my cocaine on flights. That's crazy to be addicted to crack and make a pillow. That's hilarious. It is, bro. We should have him on just to hear about that story. I know some people have like, or, you know, people get. I like when business owners have like a good origin story. Like I know people who used to be really addicted to heroin and now they have their own company. It's like, I feel like they fought through so much. Like I trust their business more almost. Yeah. Yeah. Well, a lot of addicts, you know, they're really capable.

1:34:56They just got caught up, you know, doing the wrong thing. Yeah. Because people can get addicted to work and working well also, you know. Yeah, I feel like I have some of that. Do you feel like that? Yeah, for sure. I think you have some of that. Even if when we talk about it, you're always a little bit dialed in, like, what do I want to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're always thinking, like, how can I challenge myself? Yeah, it's weird. Sometimes I'm, like, editing on, like, a Saturday night. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing in my life? Yeah. Why am I not at, like, a rodeo or, like, a Buffalo Wild Wings?

1:35:20I don't know. Have you been to a rodeo? Maybe as a child. Bro, it is one of the funnest things. It's so much fun. It looks awesome. Take a date. Go to the rodeo. It's the best event that I've been to in the past couple years. I can't wait to go again, man. Do they serve food there? Yeah, they got food. They got hot dogs and soda. And what is the main event? They don't have salmon or anything. but the main event well the best things about it are they sometimes they have the clowns out there in the barrels they got that shit going on they have like the where the people ride the horse down and cut barrel cutting is it?

1:36:05barrel racing and they go around like they have to cut around the barrel as quick as they can on a horseback so you're like trying to just U-turn a fucking horse you know so that's pretty gangster list of events bareback riding Bronco A few things. Yeah. Saddle bronc riding, steer wrestling. And then they do this one thing where like they'll put the kids on like a little sheep or something and let the sheep run out. And there's just some kid just fucking, you know, they literally tied the kid onto the sheep and he's just, and then he'll fall right into the dirt every time. But it's just, it just feels like Americana and it feels like everybody's having a blast.

1:36:48Everybody's in for the same goal, you know? Look at that. Yeah, that's it. He's fucking no reverse on that. Yeah. That's a bold move. Dude, that's like when me and my brother were kids, we used to like, if one of us had to like use the toilet and the other one did at the same time, the first one would get on and like face the back of the tank and the second one would sit like back to back against him. Like the Hurley logo? Yeah. Really? Yeah, like the Hurley logo, dude. That's so funny. Yeah, I remember that and it feels hella gay too, dude. If you're like straining your body and you can feel the other person's strain in their body, you know?

1:37:21Oh, yeah, the tensing. Yeah, so that was uncomfortable. You should just get up and beat his ass. What the fuck did I just feel in my spinal cord? I'm going to wipe my ass and beat yours, you know? But that was always when you had to ride on the back of it. So when you were, like, hugging that tank, it always felt fucking crazy. Yeah, I didn't have an older brother. I just had a sister. So I missed out on all those older brother memories where you just beat each other's ass for no reason. yeah dude having a having a brother i think is it's i think it's pretty amazing because there's just you get another layer of the world you know yeah like that but this dude's off to the side like fucking yeah he's nerve he's nerve like a gay dude on a horseback or something that's the gayest thing you can do is if you ride both legs off to the side it's kind of cool you just hop off whenever you want this is my stop and they just hop off it's kind of cool dude in africa i was in Kenya and they have like these taxis but you basically just get get on where the taxis just have like it's basically a volkswagen van yeah and they've taken like slogans from like american rap and they've they've fucked them up and they have them written all over the windows you know like bust these n words or something you know just shit doesn't make it you know it's like um show that pussy bitch or whatever just shit it's like and it's just written in these weird fonts and it's You just get on.

1:38:41You don't even know where it's going. It just keeps driving. Anywhere's better than here. That's it. And there'll be literally be 12 people inside of it. Really? Yeah. And it'll just have like, we ready on the back. Just all kind of like, just kind of urban slang, you know? Yeah. Have you ever been in Japan? I want to, the subways look intense or everybody's just packed up in that bitch. The Japanese, it's so clean over there, I hear. Yeah. I feel like if you sneeze, you get shot.

1:39:13i yeah they're so clean you ever been or no yeah i've been i just don't remember it that good but i do remember um it was like a homestay or something i was doing this thing called semester at sea okay and it was like a homestay so you would go and just stay with the family i was just talking about this the other day with trevor bauer and he was on here but it was like the family let you stay with them as a japanese family so you literally showed up on their door at a certain time and you had, and you just stayed there for a couple of nights. And do they pick you or you pick them or it's just like random?

1:39:44There was some program that linked you up. Yeah. And so then I showed up and we don't know what to say. So we're all just keep standing around doing that. Just keep bowing. And then, uh, we ate like on the, we sat on the floor and ate. Yeah. And then they let me sleep in their room. There's only like three little rooms. Really? And I don't know. They might've slept like in the wall or something. Like, and I slept on like a, like a thatched mat or something. There's no like real bedding. It's just like a little. Did you sleep okay? Yeah, I think I was fine. And then, oh, one thing I remember I would hug.

1:40:13I gave the mom a hug and a kiss on the cheek when I met her. Just where I'm from is pretty normal. So the next two days she kept having her friends come over. And right when they come in the door, she'd go like this, you know, because she wanted me to hug them. She's pimping you out. Yeah, they just didn't have it. Dude, she's charging money on you. Come kiss me, American boy. You just have no idea. So that was just kind of a vibe, I guess. You low-key worked in the Red Light District. Yeah, I might have. Yeah, that was the worst thing about the Red Light District was that it was so cold. There was no emotion.

1:40:45You're like, oh, there's no emotion. Small talk was interesting. It's just fast. They want you to bust and get back out on the street. I was nervous. I was probably about 60 % chubb because it's hard to be like, because there's no emotion. It's like weird. There's small talk. There's jizz still drying from the last guy. It felt like a doctor's office that they want you to come real fast at. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's like a guy high-fiving me on the way in. I'm like, oh, gross. You know? And then there's shirts. Mine had merch or something when you were leaving. Damn. I should start doing that.

1:41:15Look up that Red Light District merch. Yeah, but... See if they have any cardigans or whatever from the Red Light District. Yeah, so you can't take photos while you're walking through because it's very private. A lot of people don't want it to get back to their families. But you think about something with the Arabian Meta glasses. Have you seen those? They record and they just look like normal glasses. So you could just be in there and nobody would know? You could be anywhere. Wow. Bro, you could be fucking at a matinee. Remember how mad movies used to get? They'd be like, hey, don't record this shit.

1:41:43Shut the fuck up. Now that's the only thing companies want you to do. Is record their shit. Record it and then post it. It's like, oh, cool. We have a movie. Screenshot it and put it on TikTok. Yeah, so dude, you could just wear that and walk around. But if you take a phone, they like yell. They start banging on the windows. Like, don't put the fucking phone away. That's crazy. So this is recording stuff. These glasses that they're showing right here. They're really good. Have you tried the new thing that people are doing with the... The Apple Vision? Yeah. Yeah, I tried them. No way. Yeah, I tried Apple Vision Pros.

1:42:11They're pretty cool. I borrowed them from a friend. I don't know the benefit of it. It's just like rich people to get away from their families, I think. Bert would love these. Yeah. I know. But you just put them on and then you can... It's not full VR. It's augmented reality, I guess. So any screen, like if you had a YouTube screen, you could make it as big or as small as you want it, which I kind of only know the benefit is. Yeah. But you can scroll Twitter over here and watch. Oh, yeah, I made a video on it. Oh, but it's all happening in front of you? Yeah. But you can play shit around you. So go there.

1:42:42So that's what it looks like. The joke in this is I'm playing Subway Surfer while she's talking to me. And that's real. So you could be talking to someone in front of you and have a window open somehow virtually between you guys that you see through the office. You could be on a date with a girl and realistically be watching a Theobahn podcast. Wow. So it's, I don't know. The benefit of it is like if you just want to, I don't really know, like sit on your couch and not have a TV. Like the joke in this at the very end of the video I do is the guy lives in a studio apartment by himself and he's so lonely.

1:43:13And he's like, I have everything I ever wanted, a TV, a kitchen, a hot wife and just by himself. So I think it's great if you're lonely. But I don't know the full appeal of it quite yet. yeah that's the thing it's like this looks like I'd rather just use my computer you also look insane you look like you should be in the Salem witch trials I can't believe that was real you accuse somebody of being a witch and they're like to the lake oh there's yeah can you imagine that like if you were a witch the Salem witch trials what happened to these bitches well we gotta know Oh, man, the Salem witch trials occurred in Colonial Massachusetts.

1:43:58Well, shout out Amherst, bro. It's just there. This is what happened? Yeah, probably by UMass. Between early 1692 and mid 1693. So, bro, this was a short, this was a year and a half. More than 200 people were accused of practicing witchcraft. Yeah, probably all Geminis, too. Only 20 were executed. So 10 % out of the 200. I wonder what made them think that they really were. That's a great question. Yeah, can you see what determined if a witch was killed during the Salem witch trials? And witches are fake, right? So those 20 got got and they weren't witches, right? Well, I think there was also some people at that time that was witching.

1:44:37Oh. I would guess, you know. Because somebody's going to fucking witch. If you're chilling that much, there's nothing to do. Yeah, that is true. It's a good side hustle. Most accusers were teenage girls, mostly populated by Puritan Salem Village. was virtually impossible to disprove charges of witchcraft in Salem, and defendants were convicted with no evidence other than personal accusations. Wow. The presence of a devil's mark on their bodies. And that's where the jury duty came from. The presence of a devil's mark on their bodies. So that's if you had like a birthmark. Damn. Fuck. I've been God.

1:45:10I got a birthmark right here. Drew Brees would have been out. What were some of the tests? So unfair. air. Witch swimming was a practice of tying up and dunking the accused into a body of water to determine whether they sink or float. Sinking to the bottom indicated the accused was innocent, while floating indicated a guilty verdict. Aren't you, if you're a little larger, you float more? Yeah, so a thin lady wasn't a witch. Right. Anybody who might have been plus side was Sam Witch. dude that's crazy though so you just man that would be the worst because it's basically being the dunk tank or whatever yeah i don't like like how would you make yourself sink if you were a witch we just hold your breath i would swim down to the bottom too i'm sure you're like back there about to go out and they're like hey do you have any tips or whatever nervous yeah people are like yeah i'm nervous swimming at the bottom yeah how long do you have to be at the bottom before you indicated that you're innocent and then even if you're innocent you come back up um During the Salem witch trials in 1692 and 1693, there were several tests used to determine if someone was a witch.

1:46:20The touch test, the afflicted person, someone who claimed to be under the influence of witchcraft, would convulse or exhibit symptoms in the presence of the accused. If the afflicted person stopped convulsing upon touching the accused, it was believed to be the evidence of witchcraft. Wow. Dude, the saddest one is number six, just confession. Fuck it, I'm a witch. That's just somebody who's just like, I'm done with this planet. Wow, confession. Many accused individuals were coerced or tortured into confessing to witchcraft. That's kind of sad. Physical examination for witches' marks. Number five.

1:46:52The accused would be searched for supposed physical marks believed to be signs of witchcraft, such as moles, birthmarks, or scars. Dude, what if you just have a mole on your back, and they're like, this is a freaking chocolate chip of hell. Yeah, it's witchcraft. That's the devil trying to communicate with us. You're a mole. Yeah, that's crazy. Damn. that would just be so tough because you're always I bet for that year and a half people were just acting like they're not witches not a witch yeah like you can't even sneeze you can't blow out candles like imagine it's your birthday and you blow out these candles you're like yeah can't do that you see a broom you have to be like oh what is that yeah why don't I beat my husband in the head with it huh why don't I beat my astro mac in the head with it yeah wait people use these to fly what the fuck he was like don't do drugs and his wife would just and people were like god god those school assemblies it's just on set like wwe like it just makes you want to wrestle or do drugs well you were always it was such a crazy time to see everybody too because nothing uh the first one we ever had i remember in junior high in uh middle school kids were peeing on the heaters in the bathroom there's old school heaters and it would steam up the bathroom like a sauna yes you couldn't even like walk it like you couldn't see you just piss babe this babe dude so people were just making it oh just making it fucking steam up in there that's horrendous and um and then you'd see some dude in there with his shirt off like what the fuck like i think saturday equinox this trank addict doing what uh that was kind of crazy but then as you got into junior high or high school too the assemblies were just because you got to sit with your boys and see your boys out of class and shit.

1:48:36It was fun. It was so fun. Did you guys have talent shows and stuff like that? I don't think we did. Oh, we had talent shows, dude. Do you ever sign up? I got to host it one time with my friend Rebecca. Yeah. That's pretty cool. And yeah, this girl played piano in it one time and I'd never heard a girl play piano before and she sang, bro. She's a fucking witch. Yeah, we fucking cooked her the next day. I was like, that bitch is going to sing. That sounds like a ringtone. Fryer ass. Damn. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if we ever had a... That was the only assembly we had was that. I don't think we had other ones.

1:49:14Pep rallies were pretty cool. Pep rallies. What was that? Just to get fired up on the school? Yeah. It's like 4th of July for your school. It was like, we're going to win. And we never won, dude. People were like, are we going to win? That was even like the most hopeful sign that somebody would make. Are we going to win? If you have to have the prep rally, you're not going to win. Your school's already filled with losers, right? We need to cheer ourselves up. Yeah, we might not win some of the signs. Yeah, Buff School's never had those rallies. Oh, bro, our school was, we could not win shit, dude.

1:49:43We guys go to any sports. Our school's really good at tennis and swimming. You know, white people. Oh, really? That's hella white. We had ROTC, like the wooden gun gang or whatever. Oh, those are great. Those dudes that would like, yeah, the guy would flash his wooden gun during school. I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? he's like you gonna finish that blueberry muffin you're like yeah and he's like what about now he has two splinters on his hand dude then the kids from woodshop come up and back you up leave him alone leave him alone corbin put the cookies down those kids were crazy but that was kind of fun if you took woodshop in high school you were a stoner you just you either made a birdhouse you made a bong that was it yeah you're like i made a fucking pipe or something yeah some dude somebody's always trying to make their sister like a little um table or something or there's always something real sad going on in there.

1:50:30Carving like a sparrow. A box for, yeah, there's woodshop bombs right there. Yeah, dude. Woodshop was just like a stoner's dream. You should just do nothing all day except labor work and you're like, I fucking love this class. And the crazy part was the saws were always going to, nobody could hear anybody in the class. The teacher's giving instructions, but nobody can hear. Yeah, if you want.

1:50:54What a waste of a class, but in the best way. dude we I don't know if I talked about this before but I had to we had the science teacher in 11th grade and he I think he got fired because he stared these girls tits he would sit this girl in the front row I think I talked about this maybe on here before but he'd sit on the front row and we would count because there's a hot chick and me and my friend next door we count every time we look at her tits yeah yeah crazy dude like blatant oh yeah and you got a support guy whose team are you on uh it was I was just I was there for a good game yeah you know it's like two teams in the Super Bowl you don't care about, but it's a good team for some matchup.

1:51:27Because she would lean into it. She would like, fuck with him. Yeah. He probably is not doing well now. Yeah, there was always those chicks that started to know they had power over the teacher too. And they would just like wear like, yeah, like show more tits. Test day coming up. Yeah, dude. We had a guy who came in the class. He started, this was the first dude I ever heard talk about kombucha, right? This is 20 years ago. this dude came in and started yelling he had a huge thing of like a big huge glass jar he made of kombucha yeah and water whatever and he's telling everybody he's like this is the secret of the future right this will change your life and then he would like go into like the little closet that was attached to the classroom and come out like 30 minutes later and people were like what the fuck was he just making boots back there we have no idea what he was doing but it was so bizarre and then he came because our main teacher got busted dating a girl at school they they put a wire on her and um they were gonna run off together and they uh the cops caught him somewhere like on the highway damn and we all like kind of felt we felt i mean obviously it was messed up yeah but everybody just was like man just it was sad because everybody loved him too he's an awesome teacher he didn't seem like a bad guy you know um i think there's you know i think a lot of i think some dudes that teach never their brain never leaves high school too you know no i mean they're just surrounded by high school and eventually they're just like these are my co-workers question mark it's a yeah yeah i don't know it's when these guys get busted for it it's sad as fuck yeah yeah the whole thing's just sad you know yeah um did you see those trump sneakers that came out oh yeah yeah yeah the funniest comment was like those are the january 6s fucking crying can we see a photo of him they look like Hulk Hogan oh they do kind of I didn't even think about that or Rick Flair they just look like they make you want to go yeah they kind of a hacksaw Jim Duggan vibe they kind of have that 80s I wonder if a lot of black dudes would support these as well these might be pretty tough man yeah dude you could probably flip those pretty good on StockX can we get a better look at them Nick They should have like a song that plays when you walk in them.

1:53:45Oh, yeah. Yeah. I want to be American. I think he could have. What would he have? Each step. Yeah, each step is another note. Yeah, you got to complete the song. That shit should have Heelys in it. Oh, yeah. But it has like a little mud flap behind it. Bro, those are actually kind of fucking tough, bro. do you think we can get a pair of those nick yes for everybody uh can i have one how about this let's start with a pair and then we'll let everybody choose if they want that if they do want those or if we all want them i don't know there's gonna be a museum one day and like a hundred years you're gonna be what the fuck is going on in 2024 the air trumps dude but that's just where we are it's like what if they had like oh you know people from the past like what if you had the Frederick Douglass high top yeah dude you know man those would be kind of hard Abe Lincoln 3's dog yeah oh fucking Harriet Tubman Crocs

1:54:57Donald Trump booed while promoting $399 sneakers one day after court orders and would pay $355 million oh he got booed yeah who knows if he did you just you never know that's the thing about the news now you don't know what happened yeah but are they booing the shoe or the fact that the court ordered him so much money yeah that's a good question they don't tell you the shoe um he's pulling well it says but you can picture the guy who's gonna wear those he's got like an affliction t-shirt he's got the faux hawk you think yeah i think so he's got a couple like side like lines shaving the side of his head i could see those doing well for some reason because there's just something in the like because a lot of like the culture supports Trump.

1:55:37You know, like a lot of like, a lot of black folks support Trump, you know? Yeah, it really came around. It's like a lot of black dudes are like, that's my guy. Yeah, so it's kind of interesting. I wonder, you show one rapper sporting those, dude, and it's a fucking touchdown, you know? Now he sold a lot of weird shit on his, oh, here it is right here.

1:55:59Oh, he's at sneaker con?

1:56:03dude getting booed and saying thank you is a power move i will say trump just does whatever he's supposed to do huh he didn't even know there he is this is not what's that sneaker con let's see well i don't think that's his audience he's got to go to like a tgi fridays but is that what happened or is that ai you just don't know that's a thing now can you go to the website what it looks like it's like get trump sneakers.com yeah That's what I want to see. Cause they also sell that, uh, 47 cologne, 45 cologne. Trump has his own cologne, bro. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I mean like, dude, think about how much merch Hello Kitty has.

1:56:38Like we might as well like fucking double down. Like Hello Kitty is making bags just existing. Yeah. Which is crazy. There's an Asian cat. That's actually fucking not being compromised in his fucking home country. Okay. Yeah. I think it was a website. I think it was get Trump shoes or something like that. yeah what did that say get trump sneakers or something yeah i believe so yeah i mean if i'm him yeah i'm selling everything you get as much money as you can but i mean he's already so goddamn rich i don't know but is he they just took 355 million from there oh maybe that's why there's a lot of these courts now they're trying to break his bank now that's another thing they're doing like i'm not saying he's not guilty of some of this stuff but they're really hashing out they sold out wow oh they only had a thousand pairs each are numbered i just got the pre-order for the Tesla.

1:57:29The Cybertruck? Yeah. Really? Have you seen one in person yet? There's two options. They said there's a regular option that comes out in May or there's a Cyber Beast that comes out probably in like December. What'd you do? I don't know. It's kind of, you kind of want it soon. Yeah. I mean, I've never like, I've been holding out for like a year and a half to wait to get myself a new vehicle. Yeah. So part of me is like, maybe I should just get it. But the Cyber Beast has, Holy shit. the cyber beast has like the bar across the top with like the light bar and stuff the cyber truck doesn't have that okay are they bulletproof yeah and that's one thing that i'm excited about dude shit gets you just it's weird in the world yeah it's weird in the world these days um what else you got going on man are you thinking about doing new stuff where's your like production brain at because you're always kind of thinking of what's new or what's next like what do you see kind of happening in like technology or in like performance or like what's like keeping you excited God keep me excited man if you don't have an answer that's fine did you say something Nick?

1:58:32nope okay sorry yeah I don't know I mean I'm just building up material again which is kind of fun it's like terrifying just because like lately I've been doing all new shit and then I'll end with like an old joke from the special and the barometer what the old shit from the special gets versus some of the new stuff it's tough but when that new stuff really starts hitting it's fucking exciting so I'm in the role of that just doing shows and shit really. Have you been down in the mothership? I have. I did Kill Tony out there. Oh yeah. Yeah, it was fun. Bro, the success of Kill Tony, can we look at that for a second?

1:59:04It's crazy. He sold out Madison Square Garden. I think twice. Unbelievable. Yeah. From the belly room to that, I mean, it's fucking awesome. I mean, I usually watch it pretty much every Monday. It's like, really, it's a very well-structured show. And dude, one thing I'll say, the best sets that i've had on stage um in a club this year were at the mothership i think because there's no phones oh so you know you're safe yeah so your brain knows you're safe and i think your brain is like more liable to do its best work if it knows that it's not going to be compromised or it can be it can get something wrong yeah you know and acoustically it sounds good too yeah yeah it's great down there it's fun comfortable but yeah this kill tony's unbelievable dude um he had the other night i'm watching there's 81 000 people watching at the same time oh live 81 000 do you know how hard it is to get 81 000 people to do instagram live i pull a dick out and i'm maybe maybe yeah that's crazy well it's the biggest live podcast it's fucking awesome it's huge kudos to him it's launching careers and i mean kudos to red band yeah it's uh it's unbelievable it's the gong show yeah yeah and i mean it's uh it's america's got it people you know well that's also what it is it's like the laugh factory open mic got really weird for a while like when i was doing it early on like 2015 it's like because people would fly in from florida it'd be like this is my one chance at making it in hollywood yeah so now i think kill tony's that where yeah it's a lot of austin comics but it's also people who are flying in from fucking Chugwater, Wyoming to be like, today's my day.

2:00:46And it might be. Some people get up there and they're in front of a million people, 81 ,000 live and they have no material. They're up there just like, I just want to say hi, Tony. But it's like, yeah, like you said, it's like America's got talent. You want to see people bomb? You want to see people do good. And the hilarity of it too is they give them one minute, right? Which is... It's impossible. It's so hard. And then they get to rip the guy on fucking 11 new assholes for 20 minutes. Professional comedian versus a guy who was told he was funny at a gender reveal six months ago. I mean, the structure is so in favor of Tony, and Tony's so good at it.

2:01:25Tony is so fucking funny and quick with it. But yeah, to do a minute, like, I was talking about doing five minutes at the arena show, a minute in front of, like, to get a premise out where people are like, right off the bat like you. I mean, dude, I mean, I was, you've been a judge on it, right? How quiet the crowd gets when that person grabs a mic to start their minute. I mean, it is dead silent. I was right next to this guy. He was bombing. I could feel the pulse in his dick just shriveling up. I mean, dude, I mean, this guy went up and immediately insulted the crowd. And I just had like this secondhand embarrassment.

2:02:02You could feel everybody turn so quick on it. Dude, I mean, like, quieter than quiet. Yeah, it's so tough. it's so the odds you're being successful and then they literally rip they have no chill for anybody to go to the guy I forget what he was wearing but he had like a like a button up t-shirt maybe you can scroll around keep going but he walks out and immediately insults the audience and the thing with the show is like this show is so big and their fans are so loyal that these people love Tony they love the show so you insult it no not that guy he was actually really sweet looked like Johnny Sins it might have been earlier I wish I had the fucking Apple provisions.

2:02:39Keep going. Wow. How would that help you right now? I could scroll up my face and fucking do a little thing and find it. Keep going. This guy opens and he literally insults the crowd and then just proceeds to eat shit for a minute. It's coming up. It might be after this guy. It's not, it might be after David. Yeah. I mean, it's launching careers. Like people are getting known. People. You know, Cam Patterson. I want to go spend time. This guy. Go to the beginning of a set. He's. I love Cam. Cam's really funny. Good dude. Go to the beginning. Dude, I mean, you can feel how tense it is up there.

2:03:13Yeah, that should be. Perhaps Montella.

2:03:20What's going on, y 'all? Oh, thank you. Oh, you ugly people. Thank you for coming out. I appreciate that. I know what you're thinking. Why is my GTA drug dealer? But yeah, 300 people just... because then you're just setting yourself up for just ugly people I wonder what inside of him made him think that that was good nervous and it is a roast show so you're kind of like off the blind dude there they painted that one got black that got him black they edit that in studying on Brian Simpson and then here's the crazy part it's Jim Norton right there they have the black Brian Simpson is basically the black red band.

2:04:07You don't know what's going on here, dude. It's so good. I saw an episode recently. This guy went up there and opened with like, oh, it's great to be on America's Got Talent Trailer Park Edition and then ate shit for a minute. And the second his minute was up, Tony was like, huh, America's the trash version. And then you just bought like, I think that everybody is there for Tony and the show. So when you talk shit about the show and you haven't earned it, they turn on you so quickly. you gotta respect it man but like being next that you could just feel how tense it was I mean to do a minute I mean it's it's a fucking god awful format for a a new stand up but if you do well it launches your career well it's and it's just amazing what they're doing it's amazing that they that's they're doing that with a table yeah a couple of cameras and a comedy stage a table they're fucking set up it's a you know yeah it's a podcast yeah they used that for a pot look the other day yeah they're probably gonna try and get bought out but like how the show right now is perfect.

2:05:01You really don't need to change anything, honestly. Yeah. I mean, in Hawaii, yeah, if you could travel with that show for the next couple years and do it on the road. Dude, it's huge. I can recognize for being on that show more than just, not more, but just like random someone's like, oh, I saw you on Kill Tony. It's like, oh. It's the number one thing that I hear people say a lot just like, oh, that kind of just surprised me. Like, oh, yeah, we just flew to Austin for Kill Tony. Yeah. Well, it's also a big, there's a big community in it where like, it's almost exciting where like the Reddit will kind of go crazy.

2:05:30He's like, oh, I heard Theo's the guest on this week's episode. Because since they bank shoot, they don't really know. But it's like, oh, Theo's in Austin. People start doing the dots and shit. People start putting things up. Yeah. It's kind of like a fun, because it brings all corners of the comedy world in it. And there's those characters. It's like a reality show, honestly. Yeah, you want to see them. You want to see what's going on with their life. Yeah, man. And they have crazy moments. That Ric Flair moment where he just said, I'm going to bed or whatever. He didn't understand the concept of it.

2:05:55Yeah. Was he hammered? He's just like, hey, stop roasting these people. It's like, oh, Rick. I will never. say anything bad about a veteran. That's like Tony's icon right there too. He loves Ric Flair. He was like, I'm not a veteran. He was like, I'm going to bed. He, the one, there was one the other day with Mark Norman that was so funny, dude. It's all great moments on there. Yeah, that's Ric Flair leaving. Yeah, what else do you think about doing a film or do you start to piece any stuff? I know you were talking about doing a TV show at one point. Yeah, I pitched some stuff. if I'm kind of working with a few people on something, but I think my main focus is anything that I can make.

2:06:34I don't want to be like, there's too many, uh, I guess roadblocks going to some of these. So I'll show interest. If somebody wants to work with me, I'll be like, Hey, I'm down. But like, you got to come to me. Like, this is what I'm working on. So you got to like equal that or like meet me halfway. I think. Yeah. So I'm doing a lot of that, but really just trying to, elevate what I'm already doing. Just shoot more sketches, put out more shit, try different formats. Uh, YouTube's in a weird place where it's like, what they want is very different. It's very like, like sketch comedy. I wouldn't say it's dead, but it's not in the forefront.

2:07:02You know, people want to be talked to, you know, they want to like, you want to do stuff to a camera. Like if I was doing a sketch instead of being like me and you in the sketch, I would just do like POV. And then the camera is you just like talking to me because people just want to be talked to. So I don't really know what the fuck is going on the internet. Like I think I do. And then I post something and then a week later, it's not really that. So So I don't really know. Yeah, it's tough to know. It's tough to know. And it's tough to know if it's just like a lull in the vibe that week of humanity.

2:07:31Or if people are studying for exams or people are taking away on vacation or something. It's hard to know what's up. Power outage in Little Rock. You never really know. Sometimes I think about going down to Austin, though, for a while. Yeah? Yeah, just because there is a sense, there's an energy down there that's exciting. It is exciting. You know, one of my openers, Chance Willie, is moving down there from Nashville. yeah um and there's just an energy there it's like yeah it's fun you go up in the room ron white sitting in there shane gillis is there now you know um tim dylan pops in and out would you ever get just like a small little like condo over there that's what i think i'd probably do just get a house or a small house or just something real well something nothing fancy or anything just a place where i could go and be there and maybe try it for a month or two you know yeah where are you gonna have now or just doing the shows um i'm in nashville now but i'm going Australia tonight.

2:08:25Tonight? Yeah. Holy shit. That flight is crazy. Yeah, it's going to be long. Yeah, yeah. Do you take anything on flights or no? You just sit there with your thoughts and think about life. Yeah, I'll just take NyQuil probably. Yeah. Because I had a little bit of a fever yesterday, bud. That Mormon Perk 30 right there. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. How long are you in Australia for? Shout out to all the black Mormons too, dude. Hey, show up, huh? Y 'all, if you're a black Mormon, man, send in a video. We want to connect with you guys. Dude, bring them in. fellowship with you guys, man. How long are you in Australia for?

2:08:56Three weeks. Yeah, that's long. So we did a month. Just, yeah, we wanted to take some days off and I just want to be able to have a little bit more of an actual time over there, you know? Yeah. It's so fun. Yeah, dude, there's no guns out there. It's crazy. Wow. There's like none. I saw a cop arresting you guys. Like, get down. He had finger guns. He was like, yeah, really? And the guy just went like this to him. Just folded them in. He's like, dude, now it's pointed at me. I started making out. It's fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, if you go to Brisbane, you can just point a finger gun at a cop. Yeah.

2:09:22Don't do that. But yeah, they don't have guns out there. Apparently in the 80s or the 90s, there's one massacre shooting. And then they all were like, hey, bring your gun here. We're getting rid of them for$500. You give us your gun, we'll give you 500 bucks. They did it. Everybody just did it. They should roll up in America and do that shit, especially in the fucking hood, man. Yeah, but somebody would get shot at that event. Yeah, but still, dude. Turn those choppers over. Dude, a couple of young bangers shot up the fucking Chiefs parade. Did you see that? I didn't see that. Dude, can you imagine your team wins the Super Bowl and somebody's rolling up shooting?

2:09:56Just heartbreaking, man. Dude, I mean, fucking the more and more there is, that Cybertruck is sounding a little more like... That's what I'm saying. That's funny because everything follows suit. Like when push-to-start cars started, it was like rare and it was luxury. Now like a Kia Sorento's got them. So in the future, Nissan Altimas are going to be bulletproof, which let's be honest, they should have been bulletproof already, okay? Nissan Altimas are like the hood car. Yeah. When did that happen? Well, it used to be the Honda Civic, man. When I was coming up. Really? Yeah. There was a lot of like, a lot of kind of thicker white chicks would date a brother and she would have the Honda Civic and he would drop her off at work in her car.

2:10:32Yeah. And then now everything's changed and now it's the, what did you say? Nissan Altimas. Yeah. Dude, do you see one of those pull up fully tinted? Dude, they tint the front window too. That's how you know somebody has a gun in this car. I saw the headlights tinted. You can't see the fucking headlights. Exactly. Yeah, it's definitely like a, oh shit, we should go on sidecar. Yeah. I don't know what it is, but the rest of Nissan's are like family cars. Like you just get like a Tundra. That's a chill car. You put Altima on it, you're like, someone's getting shot. Those are nice, dude. There's a lot of nice cars now.

2:11:06A lot of cars look cool now. I feel like almost every car does. Even the new Prius, you're like, oh, okay. Yeah. I'll get a handy one of those. Did you see Zuckerberg at the UFC fight? Oh yeah, wasn't he like Just hanging out with the boys Like passing t-shirts over him Just so bizarre So he's helping Somebody get into the ring, right Nick? Yeah, he walked out with Volk He walked out with Volkanovsky Dude,

2:11:34this is me when my phone dies And I'm at a restaurant with my friends Oh man, that's tough

2:11:41dude he's like bobbing his head like he's listening to like bob marley yeah it's almost like he's just so in his head like okay this is how you seem normal he's like he doesn't know how to be normal he's worth like 150 billion dollars but he can't pay to be normal he doesn't know how you think hey spend a bill i'm normal enough yeah bro hire a city to come over once a week and be like hey this is fuckingst louis this is how you're gonna be for a week drinking water. Yeah, like, that's so bizarre. He doesn't know how to just be... He's a computer, man. You know, we're just talking about this earlier today.

2:12:18That's where we are. He's a computer. Yeah, he's like, how do I drink water appropriately? What do I do now? I mean, when he's at home, you gotta imagine he's not chewing his food for him. You know he sleeps in a coffin. Oh, yeah. It's got like Theraguns in it and shit. but I think somebody chews up his food and gives it to him when you're that rich I don't think you do anything oh I would hire a strong Mexican guy to cuddle my wife I would have him butter my bread have you seen the guy that's oh rich have I seen the guy that's what he's trying to be like the youngest guy in the world he takes his son's blood and infuses it Johnson is his name right you gotta get him on the show he's a fucking character really not in a good way and he's eating his son's blood Yeah, it's really weird, but he's like doing these things.

2:13:08She like measures his erections at night. He's like, I want to have the erection of a 21-year-old. It's like, it's a little fucking weird, dude. You want to get hard every time you see Spike TV pop up on screen? Fuck yeah! It's fucking weird. It's really weird. And he looks not amazing for how much he's doing. Brian Johnson, the tech founder of Spending Millions to be 18 again, says his goal is to make death optional. Yeah. They say only two things in life for a certain death in Texas. Billionaire biohacker Brian Johnson doesn't subscribe to that opinion. The tech entrepreneur has gained notoriety for$2 million a year anti-aging routine.

2:13:45He's named the Blueprint Protocol. He also, for Johnson, this entails eating his last meal at 11 a.m., sleeping alone, taking more than 100 supplements a day. He also subjects himself to a vast array of tests and experiments, blood plasma transfusions, microneedling, full-body LED exposure, and MRI scans, to name a few. Wow. So he goes through all that, and then type in his name and his age, and then guess how old he is. Or type in a photo of him, and then guess how old he is. Okay, don't tell me how old he is. Let's get a photo of him up, Nick. Please. So this guy is spending his entire... He's a tech millionaire, maybe billionaire.

2:14:23He's loaded as hell. He's like Temple Grandin, though. I mean, he's... I love Temple Grandin. And she was one of the first trans cattle ranchers. Really? Oh, I can see it. Yeah, dude, this guy. This guy. Dude, maybe he spends so much money, that's. Get that, even in the red shirt. No, no, no. Get that red one. Nope. Up. Top left. Right there. There it is. Yeah. So this guy's paying billions of dollars. Look like Temple Grandin, dude. Yeah. So how old do you think he is? And he's spending millions of dollars. He sleeps alone. His last meal is at 11 a.m. He has 100 pills a day, and he takes his son's blood, which is so weird.

2:15:07Hey, son, you mind putting down Fortnite real quick? Daddy needs some sucky suck. This guy at Salem Witch Trials would be drowned for even blinking. How the fuck is behind those eyes? Brian Johnson, I would say he is, I would say he's 42 years old. he's 46 okay but like I feel like you see people around Hollywood that look like that I mean it's all from plastic surgery and they're all gonna fucking yeah he looks just like one of those people that does too much to their face and it makes them look like strange yeah you know like at a certain point you just start to look strange what's that shirt with a picture with him with no shirt on that's interesting there's Madonna right there and I mean it's all like without plastic surgery and listen he'll live longer than I will.

2:16:00And he'll be cremated and turn into a fucking dumbbell or something. But I mean... We gotta get Temple Grandin on here. Yeah, it's just like... It's just an interesting... I don't know. Yeah, he looks like a bad guy in one of those Hannibal Lecter movies. He looks like the first bad guy who's like lactose intolerant. Yeah. Like to one carton of milk and this guy is out for a week. This guy's on the shitter, dude. dude I went to this chick's house you did? yeah girl you're dating or friend? two different stories oh then I have a question for you I went to this girl's house and she had a squatty potty I'll never be able to look at her again the same and what is that it's where you put your feet up like this oh on that thing yeah so you shit harder wow and are you shitting for like impact or something or are you shitting for speed or whatever like what's the purpose of it I don't know but like I just can't yeah so like it's just like funny to walk into somebody's bathroom to use it and just picture them just blowing it up.

2:17:00I don't know, man. Yeah, because that really, I guess when you do that, it really, it puts, it's more like a Japanese technique, I think, where you have your feet up high. That's why they kind of shit in holes, from what I've heard. I remember in Africa, we went on a safari, and you would go in, you'd think it was a bathroom, you'd open the door, and it was just a hole, and you would just literally just poop into a hole. Did it help? Squatty potty, here you go. It evens out that, it unkinks the rectum. Unkinks the rectum. Say that again slower, dog. What? Yeah. I have a question for you. A girl I'm seeing now, I guess you went on a date with her one time.

2:17:34Dude, do not say that. It's beef, dude. No. No, that means it's cool. That means I'm equally as hot as Theo. Bro. But it was like years ago. Okay. Did she say I was a nice guy? Yeah. She said you were like shy. Okay. That checks out. But like, yeah, like, I think it was just like you guys were just said you would ask like really random questions. Oh, God. What's your favorite time of day to get a Big Mac? Well, it's before 11 a.m. if you're Brian Johnson. I'll tell you that. What? You've been dating or what? Yeah. What's going on, man? I've been I'd gone on a few dates. But there was a gallows dating in Nashville some.

2:18:15And then we said that ended up not working. And I've just been too busy. There was a gallon. in LA been kind of talking to him that, um, I just don't have the, I just can't keep it up right now. Yeah. You know, the relationship. Yeah. Your tour schedule is crazy. Yeah. And I just, I'm liking working. I want to be, you know, these are like the, the couple of years I might be able to do some fun stuff and yeah, definitely. And it's a, I don't know. I like working. I want to think about like, we're trying to do like some philanthropy stuff this year. So just, I want to, you only have so much time, so I don't know.

2:18:48Yeah. No, I don't think you're doing anything. You get your loving on the run a little bit here and there. But that gets scary because like a chick will send you a DM and then they screen grab your shit and stuff, you know. And it's like, but I never say like nothing. Like, let me see that frosty or whatever, you know, like I'll just. Sorry, Dairy Queen hacked my phone. Yeah, that's why I never. I have friends who sex like crazy. I will never. Yeah, it's just too weird. Also, if a girl is sexing you and then you look at it the next morning, you're like, who the fuck? Who am I? I need to find God.

2:19:22Yo, 100%. You typed out, let me see that puss, period. Put me in jail, brother. It's just so weird. That or if you jerk off right after, it's like you look at your text and you're like, how do I get a new phone plan? How do I switch to singular after that shit? You ever nut so hard to go back to boost mobile, dude? it's fucking disgusting after that you nut and they're still sending you like sexy messages oh oh that's the craziest yeah your phone should shut down your phone should shut down after you yeah you know how you try to lock your phone or if you try to unlock a phone too many times it locks it out yeah the second you nut it should be you are locked out until broad daylight you have to hold your phone in the sun for five minutes to unlock it could you imagine how many just dudes in college would just be outside like this.

2:20:09Fuck. I mean, it's hilarious. It's hilarious to like both be sexing back and forth and then you just finish and you're like, oh, yeah. I think I like dudes. Yeah, and she's still like, yeah, now what are you thinking? And you're like, I hate it. I'm thinking about McGriddles. I'm thinking I'm disgusting. I think I like dudes, you know? Yeah, it's bizarre. I mean, that's why like after porn, I immediately have to exit out. Oh, of course. Anybody who gets softer in porn, anybody who comes and then continues to watch another video or two. No, that's crazy. That's crazy. That's like staying for a matinee in another movie.

2:20:46Dude, I'm I exit out of the website mid-E-Jack the second it's leaving my body I'm like, and then I find that X button. I'm like, get this Salem witch away. Yeah, dude, I want everything to finish at the same time. Seem it out of my body, open up go to googleimages.com Yeah, it's just a HelloFresh advertisement still open. Dude, that's, yeah, that's something that, um, dude, I accidentally, sometimes I like to look at videos on Reddit and they place ads in there sometimes. And like, if you're scrolling through porn videos, I accidentally came to an NBA jams ad. I was like, dude, that's actually so cool.

2:21:25Like if one of my boys saw me, like, dude, he's just fucking down. He's on fire. Get tested. Yeah, dude. It was like, if anybody saw me right now, this guy fucking loves basketball. loves Brian Scalabrini I have this crazy fear that the computer if you're jerking off or watching pornography that their video they're recording back so I'll like put it at an angle so that I can like see the screen but like the camera can't see me you're watching it like somebody else's TV on a flight you know

2:21:57dude that's so funny you don't tape up do you tape the screen? I should do that it would be way better but I just Or you should put a photo of you holding a sign that says not jerking off in front of the camera. But then behind it, you're jerking off. And then you rip it down. My buddy Patrick, he, when we were kids, he would like hide behind a map, like an actual physical paper map in his car with his parents if they were going somewhere. And he would jerk off behind the map. That's smart. And they're like, tell me when to get off the interstate. And he's like, coming. coming coming up dude that's so funny dads used to be so good at multitasking they have a full map a family of five valuable lives in the car and he's just being like how do we get to the Grand Canyon doing a hundred in a Volvo station wagon meanwhile two of the kids are sitting in the trunk they're not even in seats and he's doing a hundred multitasking dude dads are crazy bro being a dad has to be I'm amazed that people do it as much as they do They turn into like a human Swiss army knife.

2:23:00And they just, yeah. I don't know if we're ready for that, man. You think you're ready yet? No, but I do want kids eventually. But I think about how loud they are. Oh, man. Yeah, I think you have to get out in nature. You need to get a kid that's quiet. If you're out in nature and stuff, kids are quiet. If you stay out, live out there. Yeah, man. Why don't you get in like a big, like, I don't want some fucking kid all souped up on nerd ropes and shit. It's a tiny one that's for him. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's crazy. You know, I just wish that you could like, I don't know. I wish you could just wear headphones around them.

2:23:35But then people just think you're like a deadbeat dad or whatever. Dead ear dad. Yeah, I think it's, I don't know. I would like to have them. I got to get that special someone or, you know. But dude, when you watch like Love on the Spectrum, you're like, oh, that's just like the dates that regular people have really. It's really the same. It's like awkward. people don't know what to say their kisses are always pretty graphic they be kissing hard oh yeah some of them really really kiss hard but they're good kisses some of them kiss like it's like you're trying to win something or like the shotgun and that smoke in there do you ever do that with a girl?

2:24:16smoke hookah smoke in her mouth oh that was the way you knew if a chick was in you or not it was like oh yeah shotgun me and she'd be like nah Yeah You do it with the hookah smoke And you don't know how close to get Start making out with fucking Just smoking your mouth Or boofing dude My buddy got boofed out by some chick at a party in Chicago What a great place to get boofed Some lady was blowing Coke up his butt Have you ever done that? Uh uh No? Dude I wouldn't waste the coke by just blowing it in my ass like a weirdo Isn't that Doesn't it jack you up more? Who cares? The fun part I think is doing it up your fucking face like a real man.

2:24:57Oh, because then people get to see it. And you just like, it's that, you know, nobody's like. Yeah, but you were in. You were into cocaine. Yeah, I really liked it. Boofing seemed like it could have been up there, like it could have been an option. But also getting a straw or something in your butt. Like people will use like a McDonald's straw or something. It's hard enough to get a friend to help you move. You're like, hey, do you mind grabbing this pig? He said I've been blowing it up my asshole. oh man i'm busy you can borrow my truck though

2:25:28all right man yeah i'll be back around four but like let me know about that whole straw thing like i've just heard it's really beneficial on a buzzfeed article

2:25:37um dude we gotta come i gotta come to your pod man please i'd love to stiff socks it'd be awesome man yeah i've been on there for snippets like little 10 minute chunks i know we gotta come in we gotta have that chairing situation set up in there too yeah yeah dude whenever you're ready I mean, your tour schedule is crazy, but whenever you're in town for more than 38 minutes, let me know. Yeah, I'm going to come do it soon, dude. Love to get you on, dude. Yeah, thanks for coming in, dude. We got to go hit a UFC fight or something together sometime. You ever been? Dude, please. I would love to. No, I just got invited to slap boxing.

2:26:03That shit looks fun, too. Really? You went? No, I got invited to go, but I couldn't make it. You went? Yeah. Have you ever been on NELC podcast? No, I just saw those guys in Vegas, though. I'm cool with all those guys. Yeah. Did you do it? Yeah, I did it. It's fun. Yeah. It's cool.

2:26:18group yeah love on the spectrum audience yeah they're always doing fun shit yeah love on the spectrum bunch of fucking uh yeah a bunch of just tismed out happy dad you know no those guys are those guys are buddies they're cool yeah they're good man my buddy john shahidi over there it's a fun group um all right cool bro thanks for coming in dude thank you for having to catch up man nice catching up dude have fun in australia fucking hit a fucking see what the quokka's up to dude Oh yeah Hopefully a girl lets you see some of her quokkas Oh I'm sure There's a lot of dangerous animals over there So we'll see what happens You'll have a blast But dude yeah Good luck with working on the new material and stuff Thanks man Good to chat with you though I'll be in Nashville in the summer So if you're there we'll shoot some shit Or have you on the show or do a show, yeah.

2:27:08Yeah, fuck it. All right. Thanks for having me. Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. I found I can feel it in my bones. But it's gonna take... Yo, this is important, man. Uh, my favorite Lululemon shorts, the ones you got me back in the day. I think they're pace breakers, the ones with all the pockets. Well, I just got back from vacation and I think I left them in my hotel room. And dude, I need to replace these shorts. I wear them like every day with that Lulu hoodie you got me.

2:27:54Could you send me the link to where you got them? Thanks, bro. Talk soon. Looking for your newest go-tos? Shop Lululemon's bestsellers now at lululemon.com.