E502 Nikki Glaser

25:46I think a huge tit. To be honest with you, no offense. Very funny. Whitney has some fucking bangers on her. I've seen them. Have you seen them? Some pool toys, dude. Yeah. And they're nice. Dude, the lifeguard can take the day off. You feel me? She's got those unsinkable battleships. She's on duty. Yeah. Yeah. She's got those U-boats, dude. If I were that baby, I would never grow past two months. Those are insane. You're right. And they're probably even, they get so good when women are pregnant. Do they? Oh, my God. My friends who have like tiny tits are just like giant, firm, full, nice like color of nipples.

26:26Like they get a little darker. Like it's just their tits look amazing. God. That's the one thing that they wish to keep. That's what I need, that frickin' birth and tit. Yeah. God, it's just something everybody wants. Yes. Just to see those things before the baby gets to them. I don't know if it's what everybody wants, but yeah, I enjoy a pair of... Like Whitney's, you just can't deny they're amazing. And when I saw them, I was like... I want to feel what that's like. Yeah. I don't know if I felt them, though. I want to know what love is. You remember that song? Oh, yeah. I want you to know me I think you had it right If you got to be reincarnated Based on a lot of what you've done So you've been a women's lib activist Shut up Whatever A women's lib activist I'm just a woman You mean being a woman And just speaking freely as one I don't know What comes to mind when you think of me like that No I think you haven't been like a, you know, like, you know, like, you know, char my vulva or whatever some of those women are doing for Africa or whatever.

27:42But I think, yeah, you're like a proud female. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. So, you know, someone who speaks up for women. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think so. So maybe it might have been the best term. I didn't mean it like you, I didn't mean it like a negative thing. No, I'm not like a man hate. I hope people don't personify me as like a man hating feminist. I actually like men a lot and I empathize. Even the things that I'm like, why do men not have to do this and we have to do this and I'm like mad about the disparity. It's like, I'm not mad at men about it. It's just the gender roles. It's not like your fault that like men's fault that this is the way it is.

28:21or there are many ways in which women are shitty or have it better than men do. And it's like not our, we don't need to be villainized for it. It's just kind of the roles we fall into. I think there's a ton of truth to that. What was I just reading the other day? It was about something that women, they don't want to do it. Oh, this was about Bumble. Did you see it? Oh, yeah. They just changed the setting so men can now reach out to women because it used to be just women only reaching out to men. Women had to ask first. And I believe women are like, you know what? we don't want to do that it's not sexy I would say most men are not really Bumble really does us a favor by having this feature because women need to learn that if you want to attract a man who's a masculine energy man you gotta let him be the one to lead and men don't really like women taking the lead feminine energy men do and it doesn't mean gay men but there's less, there's like 20 % of men are feminine, straight men are feminine energy and that's just, and then there's 20 % of women that are masculine energy women which sometimes I am like on stage I'm a masculine energy woman like anyone who's horny for what I do on stage is a feminine energy guy probably that like is a threat like once a partner like the person I am on stage and so a lot of times the guys that are throwing themselves at me after shows are not my vibe because off stage I'm like a feminine energy woman and I'm like I want someone like that like I I want to be the girl but then people don't think of me that way because of on stage you kind of naturally have to be masculine it's like you're talking to a microphone and like having opinions like that's kind of a turnoff to men that's interesting i don't think of you is that way i think probably like eliza maybe i think more of is that way because she's definitely spectrum but um uh you know her pacing and energy you know probably add to that uh i wonder who else is that i think like like but just the nature of a woman going like this is what i think and everyone needs to listen even if i'm like this is what i think and everyone needs to listen and i have my tits out it's still like you're talking to a microphone to a bunch of people who have to be quiet especially men have to be quiet it's like it's a masculine energy thing yeah it's okay that men are like i don't really like female comics like i get it it like it's like it makes sense to me when guys are kind of like that's not my thing it's like a woman like yelling at you if you grew up with a really aggressive mother yeah yeah it's like i get it it was hard for me for years i think sometimes to listen because it was just like it i didn't even know that it reminded of me and my mother but it was always something but yeah it totally makes sense I think some of that went away after a while but yeah Bumble said now yeah Bumble said that they're not for women who date men making the first move on a dating app can be empowering but having to do it can be a burden now they don't have to at least on Bumble the dating app that built its brand on letting women message first women can now add prompts to their profiles for men to respond to Good.

31:10I like this. Flirting cues, huh? Love it. Just any chance for a guy to like reach out and let you know he's into you without really giving away too much. Oh, yeah. It's so embarrassing. Like, even for me, if I like someone and like want to let them know, like, I won't, I won't let them know until I'm 100 % sure they're into me. Like 100 % sure. I don't want to, I don't want that rejection. And I'm sure men feel that way all the time. Well, yeah. And there's no sure bets, you know, it's like everything. I think this is one thing that's a lot in our society these days. everybody wants a sure bet, right?

31:42Yes. They want a lot of messages to make sure that everything is okay, that there's like you're there. Everything has to be a home run. Yeah. Nobody wants to kind of make that move and be at risk. I mean, they're even setting it up like that here now. But now it's like a little thing. It's like this is the equivalent of like a long look across a room at a bar. Like I've learned, I feel like sometimes autistic when I have to learn how to like flirt. like the idea of like if you like a guy you're supposed to like hold eye contact for like four seconds which is a really long time but it's just a way to let a guy know tacitly without being aggressive that like i'm into you then he can then then he gets it like there's no way that girl's not into me she just looked at me that long but it wasn't like a masculine energy look it was like i'm like it was like come here boy it wasn't even like this it was just like and then that gives a guy enough confidence like okay she's probably into me now i can approach this is that it gives them a chance to like not risk anything i always feel like if a girl looks at me like that it's like she wants to probably oh this chick wants to borrow some cash I feel like well that too you know I gotta get out of this bar well yeah well you're a celebrity now so that's different like women are gonna look at you longingly all of the time like that's not true it's true when I started podcasting uh having an online store was the furthest thing from my mind we started just selling a shirt and and then people wanted another shirt and we said well dang we'll give you another shirt.

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35:56Come on. No, I know some girls like me. Yes, yes, yes. But it's like I'm not, I'm not, it has not made dating people any easier. No, that doesn't change things. So you want to meet somebody, right? And so then you meet up, you go on a date or something. You're always afraid that they're going to videotape you or try and like take advantage of you. Like I'll be eating breakfast and I'll see videos later online where people have like videoed me. I know. I see you all the time where people film you driving. And it makes me just like feel very nervous. It should, and it makes you not trust people, and it makes you question.

36:28Yeah, I can only imagine. I'm glad that I haven't reached that level yet where I feel like. Oh, what are you talking about, dude? No. Every time I scroll through TikTok, you're yelling about your pussy or something. That's probably true, but the algorithm has found you. I'm not like right now I'm going through having like a moment where I'm being more recognizable, but prior to this week, I don't think it was at a level of what you deal with where people are filming you and stuff. That's got to feel weird. Yeah, well, I think there's the thing I didn't realize is I I'll sometimes entertain. It's like then I feel like I have to entertain because you don't want to be like, hey, motherfucker.

37:02Yeah, they're filming because then you're like a bag. I go look at this guy's a bad guy. One video of you being a dick. Yeah, this guy's on pills or whatever. And people were like knew he was back on the dust or whatever. You're like, what the fuck? Do you read that shit? I don't read all of it, but I definitely see stuff. You can't miss it. Of course. Yeah. And then it doesn't matter if you don't read it. you're like you then you just your mind wanders to what they could be saying it's usually worse than what they even are it's like yeah that's got to feel shitty i've seen yeah some people like bombard you before and you're always funny and you're always nice um yeah but but also you are someone that people just feel so close to and feel so connected to and feel like you're looking out for them and that you care about them that people are just but also you're someone who's even if they film you in your natural habitat and you don't know you're being filmed i trust you to be someone you're just not someone that's gonna be like so different than you are here yeah yeah it's like i'm gonna be buying a slave or something or doing something you know or you know burying somebody um but yeah i think oh i think it's and i'm not complaining i love getting to meet people i think it has been interesting those times when it gets to levels of wait you really do some people do have to buy slaves there's a slave there's a human slave trade i mean you see it in bathrooms like if you see a slave like yeah the white house probably I think, you know.

38:20There is. Yeah. I mean, they're everywhere. But then you do literally, people have to meet up to exchange money to buy people all the time. That's crazy. And imagine you have to imagine getting all that cash out of an ATM. You must have to. How much? How much is a? I don't even know if we can look this up. How much is a person on the Internet? This is horrible. We honestly, this is interesting because I have no idea. I would guess you could buy a person for$20 ,000,$10 ,000 probably in some markets. It's so sad. Average cost right here of Russian mail order brides, which I'm not saying is. Get the fuck out.

38:58And this is way different than slavery. This is where you would. Is it? Huh? I want to denote that we're not talking about the same. We haven't. Yes. We're not saying, hey, a Russian mail order bride is somebody that enjoyed farming in the past or whatever. this is average cost of a russian miller bride 2500 to 4500 dollars wow yeah i thought it would have been oh i'm aging out of russian bride this month fuck i hate this this is bums me out so much when i age out of slave like being a trafficked yeah i'm out oh no one wants to traffic me that could be your next special untraffable please it's so good because that is the exact age i'm at where it's like you just, I'm not worried about it.

39:41I know young girls that like do worry about it. Yeah. Getting stolen. Yeah, it's a thing. Well, let me tell you this, ladies. If you're at the gas station, some guy's like, hey, will you help me look for something in the trunk of my car and you get in there, dude? You shouldn't get in there. You know what I'm saying? It's like. You're so fucking funny. Some of it's basic rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Of companionship. Yeah. Um, you know what I was going to say? I was going to say something that was interesting. Oh, Russian bride. Sorry. You know, the percentage of people that had slaves, what percentage of people owned slaves in America?

40:23I'm going to say like back. Yes. Yeah. Don't hit it yet. 1973 or what are you talking about? Like 18, like at the peak of slaves, 1820. Um, I would, I would say honestly just the wealthiest. I would say 50 % because it was probably – there was more wealth back then. I would say 5 % or less. Oh, yeah. Okay.

40:4725%. Only 25 % known slaves, but slavery factored heavily in the economy of all the colonies. Wow. Wow. We also don't know if this is a – Yeah, we don't know what this is referencing exactly. This feels like a statistic that should be readily available. Oh, he posted one lie circulating. Only 1 % of white Southerners owned slaves, but the 1 % of white Southern families owned 200 or more human beings. But in states of the Confederacy, at least 20 % owned at least one. And in Mississippi and South Carolina, ran as high as 50%. Wow, you're right. Man. Yeah. I mean, we all wear things and use things that are made by slaves.

41:28We all participate in it. This skirt was made by a slave, someone who is not getting paid a lot and working back breaking hours in some country. It's just the way that it is. We're so fucking lucky. Are we though? We are to not be doing that. We're the luckiest people that have maybe ever lived in the history of humankind. We're in the top 0.000001 % of luckiness. For sure. But I just mean as an overall society. No, I mean. That's where I was going. I still don't feel like, oh, just because some woman my age is a slave over there that like I can't complain about my life. I don't feel that because I feel like, you know, there's problems with my life too that are just, you know, she'd be complaining about if she was in my shoes.

42:12It's all relative, yeah. That she made. Yeah.

42:18Don't you dare try them on. She already walked a mile in them, dude. To break them in. To like give them that worn look that you pay extra for. Oh, damn. I'd walk a mile in hers but I don't want to wear you know I'm gonna stop you it's sad oh it's sad you gotta laugh about it because you have to laugh about it the other day I'm not making excuses for being like I'm making an inappropriate joke laughing at slaves literally what the fuck am I supposed to do otherwise at least I'm talking about it yeah like it's at least it's something I feel oh yeah the other day I was with some black guys this other black guy came up and they said damn Larry look like a slave and I was like and everybody laughed you know I wrote a joke for the the roast that was about Andrew Schultz that was like you what's this look you've got going on you look like a plantation owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool which is like a great joke but the word slave like just turns people off and it was too high risk to like drop that word and I at first I was a slave owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool.

43:26But then I did it in finesse Mitchell, a black man saw me do it at the laugh factory. And he suggested make it plantation owner just to like take some of it. Cause the black community, I guess does not even like the mention of that word, which is something I didn't, of course, of course they don't, but I wasn't even like thinking that. Yeah. That could be offensive or just like, it just not a cool thing to just say liberally like that. Yeah. Yeah. But I wouldn't have thought about that. I don't know. Maybe that's really me being so naive and just a dumb white bitch, but I didn't know that. But now I do.

43:55Yeah. Well, that's not the perfect picture for what I was just saying, but you get it. Yeah, let's talk about the roast. Congratulations. Thanks. First of all, you were so funny. Thanks. And not that you weren't going to be, but I think it's a tough environment to do it in. I had one experience with a roast, right? Yeah, tell me. Nothing in comparison to yours, but I realized something about it. It was probably like eight years ago or 12 years ago or something. It was like, who was on it? But it was like, I think like, it was like a lot of like B-list or D-list celebrities type of people. Where was it?

44:31It was like Tila Tequila. Oh. It was like. Was it for a network? Jermaine Dupri, I think, maybe was on it. I don't know who else was on it. Was this a VH1, MTV, Comedy Central? What's the vibe? No. Oh, no. It was just a fundraiser somewhere. Oh, okay. This is a fundraiser. So not like films never going to exist anywhere, but still. But still, right? And it was like, oh, that lady, Octomom or whatever that had all the children or whatever. Oh, my God, Natalie Suleman or yeah, yeah. She had like 30 children or something. Oh, my God, this is a great roast fodder. You think it's funny and easy. It's going to be cool.

45:04But then you get up there and the people are right there. Yeah. And you're like, oh, my God, this is going to hurt some people's feelings. And I have to say this stuff. Yes. So that was when I realized what a tough moment it is. Do you feel that when you're doing it? I thought no I don't actually the only time I thought if you sign up for a roast like I understand maybe the first roast that ever happened and I would feel bad because like what is this and I wrote all these jokes but like go watch roast compilations that's what's coming at you if you agree to do this you are opening yourself up to that but what if you sign up for a contest say you sign up for something where somebody's going to call you a F-A-G-G-O-T right you sign up for it somebody's like that's the thing you want to sign up you're like yeah I'll sign up for it dude and it seems chill or whatever you're backstage practicing.

45:52Yeah, that sounds like a good time. Yeah, you're backstage practicing or whatever, like how you're going to react when they call you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you go out there. It's literally Tom Brady in the bowels of the Kia forum the other night is practicing what to look like when they call him that word. Probably, yes. That's what I heard is that he was nervous before. And he's probably more worried about his own set than thinking about the reactions. But I think that's a part of being on a roast where you have to think about what you're going to do when they make fun of you. Yeah. Yeah.

46:17I can't hide my feelings. I think it would be tough. yeah it is tough that's why I was so glad that I would like next time they'll come at me hard because I'll be known but this time no one knows me so no one came at me I mean there were a couple jokes but nothing but that consistent every person's gonna hit you I would hate that I'm gonna hate that and it will be I'll be older my face will have more things in it that will make it look weird for people to make fun like you know like there'll be more fodder and it will hurt a lot a lot so you agree though that there's some pain there Oh, so much pain.

46:49But I did like you like I said, I before when I've been doing roasts, I never thought about people's feelings. And I think the last roast I did was five years ago. And in that time, I think I've worked on myself enough to have empathy and like not want to hurt people. And so this time I was really worried about it. And like, I'm not saying this joke about Jeff Ross. It's too mean. And I don't even believe it. I don't want to say this joke about Burt Kreischer only having one joke. I don't even feel that way. But it's like my friends kept reminding me it's a roast. This is what it is. And they signed up for it.

47:15Don't pull back. It's just it's this. Right. So I just, but I fought it a lot. There were some jokes I didn't do and wouldn't even say here because I was just like, they came from such a mean place and I could never, ever say that to someone's face. But five years ago, I definitely would have done that joke. Really? So you think you were toned down this time? Yeah. I mean, but in the right way. I think it resonated because I hit the exact right tone. You do that slave joke and I could have lost people because they're just like, why did she say slave? The set was built perfectly. Don't say it anymore.

47:44Yeah, I know. It was built perfectly so that it was – but I didn't pull back. I found ways to go just as hard in the way that I wanted to, I think. Oh, yeah. I thought it was really masterful. Thanks, man. Yeah. It was really, really cool. And then, yeah, you just see you everywhere and everybody's like, she killed it. This bitch is it. She's the fucking honky Cardi B, people are saying. All kind of stuff. I haven't read that yet, but that's cool. Yeah, there's great stuff. It's cool that – it's like what I found is – She's the new Betsy Ross somebody wrote somewhere. Whoa. I don't even. Wait.

48:19It's like Betsy. Like 1800s Betsy Ross. Yeah. The lady that made the freaking flag. Oh, my God. Let's get up. Yeah. Thank you. That is. That feels really good. I heard she was a bitch too, dude. 1700s Betsy Ross. My bad. Lucky my buddy said his great grandfather knew her and she was a chatty bee, dude. Oh, yeah. Look at her. And she lived forever. And people were like, well, this chatty bee just died. She made one cool. She would have had a podcast. Oh. A hit podcast. That's true, huh? Call her Betty. Yeah. Call her Betty. She would have had it, man. But she probably said five sentences a day.

49:00And they're like, she was chatty. You know, she probably was just like, can I get some water? you know Rick's wife made that flag and she's been real chatty since then thankfully my wife's missing it was different times back then dude you could just kill your wife hold on you cannot do not say that do not get that out there not now please don't you're gonna get caught but back then you could do anything it was so like that's I've been talking a lot about like on stage about the desire to have kids or not have kids and how I think that a lot of the feeling that when women tell me like you gotta do it you know and I know they're just trying to get other women like when you're not having a good time you're like other people will you do this too there's a part of it and it's very rewarding in its own way but I think a lot of it they they actually do believe it's so rewarding but you I think at some point you have to convince yourself that it is because you have no other option.

50:01You have to like it. You can't let in that this is a regret because you can't take it back. You can let in that you regret marrying your husband because there's an out or, oh, I bought this house or even this tattoo I got. You can let in a little regret when you're like, oh, I can get it removed. Kid, you just have to convince yourself you like it. And I think you do actually end up liking it because of that, but I think it's because there's no out. What do you think about that? Yeah, it's almost like going to prison in a way. Acceptance. Yeah. because you can't be the guy in prison that's every day.

50:32It's like, man, prison sucks, huh? You're so right. And people are like, dude, shut the fuck up. I have to be in here for 21 and a half more years. Yes, but if you have a life sentence, like it would just, you would just, it would be your life. I think I could probably accept it if there was just no getting out. I'd like a life sentence better than I would like you get out in 40 years. Oh, when you think it's your choice and you could appeal and like they're, yes. Because none of your chicks, either if you hit them up when you get out, bro, it's a wrap, dude. they're gonna be like 40 years oh yeah well hopefully you have a pen pal that you've been lubing up yeah that you like and then there's someone waiting for you because but as soon as you're available they don't want you like as a woman who's attracted to unavailable men as soon as a guy would get out of prison i'd be like i just think we should be friends like i would you know all that stuff i said i was gonna do with you yeah i'm just not into it anymore because now you're free but i there's a part of me that understands when women like are attracted to guys that have life sentences.

51:26They can never be with them. Wow. Fear of intimacy. That guy will never get to know me. Never touch me. And I can just dream about it. And I can tell everybody about it. It's a great story. Yes. I'm the hero. Yeah. Or I'm the psycho who likes this guy who murdered his wife and has convinced myself that he wouldn't do that to me if he had a chance. Yeah. Or that I want that kind of. Or I want to be the one that's like he wouldn't murder me. They murdered everyone else. Like I remember hearing about this like male celebrity. Yeah there's no way he's going to murder me. dude. Oh, Ben Affleck. What was he like?

51:58I'm always fascinated by him. I'm such a fan. You didn't? No, he just we didn't meet even Brady before the show began. We just like got mic'd got sat and then all of a sudden the show starts. Is that one of the reasons they do it you think? So there's no No, because I guess maybe this is a different production company this time, different network. It used to be Comedy Central. We would all hang out a little bit before like five minutes before you'd shake their hand like the guy you're about to roast. But there was none of that this time. And then Affleck I think just wanted in and out because he didn't want anyone to even know he was there to be roasted.

52:26And I think he was supposed to stay on stage after he got done, but he fucked it. He booked it out of there because Tom referenced him in his set at some point and it was written in the prompter as if Ben would still be there and he was gone. So I think either he got out because it didn't go the way he wanted it to or he got out because he's like, I didn't realize it was going to be this kind of thing. I'm not going to sit there and get jokes told about me. Damn. So, but yeah, it was, that was, it was weird. So he was just in and out. In and out. Yeah. and yeah what was it like when he was up there what's it like when somebody's up there and they are trying something right and it's maybe not being perceived or going over as well right we all do that it's like trying a new joke it's a brave way to do it it just sucks for him that the reason his set went poorly is because he committed to a joke that is the whole like if the joke doesn't work the whole set's gone because the whole set was this one premise of I'm reading a tweet and I'm talking back to this guy so if it the first joke bombs the whole that's what's based he didn't switch to another joke like for me one joke bombs I can get it back in the next one totally different reset but his was all about this one thing so much risk it was it was it was not a good something either he didn't prepare well enough or something happened but it was but it could have happened to anyone it's just yeah it happened to him and it sucked he's always been a risk taker though I feel like yeah and he doesn't give a fuck like no one's even talking about whatever that was like it'll be forgotten he'll be fine and he is a risk taker I like that he even did it and he had a point of view you can tell it like he the whole premise of it was like I hate Tom handed me my his phone one day and I saw his messages and I couldn't even fathom what the hate he was getting so he started talking to that one of those people that was tweeting at him and you could tell he was just really that was his vendetta he wanted to say something to the fans because he's been attacked so much so yeah it was a good premise like he wanted to get something out that was inside of him it just didn't come out the right way but it was a good premise i think that was personal for him and obviously to tom of getting so much hate like yeah it's something but it doesn't resonate with other people because we don't most people aren't getting hate online and are just like i don't care like you're writing the hate exactly like we as comedians are always talking about do you read the hate and stuff people can't relate to that people aren't getting this kind of there are like you know there's a lot of influences out there but it's not a relatable thing.

54:45Yeah. Um, I guess if you have like 400 followers and that would be a lot for just a normal person. If you know that many people that are following you, if you get like 14 likes on something, that's good. Like, are you getting sad if you get seven and like what it's probably just all the same? Yeah. You don't, you're not like as obsessed with that stuff. And some people don't even have that shit to create themselves. Yeah. I'll get some things that would be like, bet your son will be a F a G or whatever, you know? And then it'll be like, go Raiders or whatever. Go or go Jets. It's all over the place.

55:16And you're like, well, what is this about? Is this a DraftKings advertisement? What is this? So that's the craziest thing, dude. Dude, it's so funny. Spring has sprung, baby. We're spraying. It's spraying. You know it. And whether that means stocking up on cleaning supplies or swapping out your winter clothes for new spring clothes, make sure you're using Ibotta and get real cash back with every purchase. Ibotta is a free app that gives you the most cash back every time you shop on hundreds of items from groceries to beauty supplies to toys. So you can make sure you're beating inflation no matter what you're purchasing.

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57:43You know, it's, it's about you feeling well. Right now you can get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Theo today to get 10 % off your first month. That's better help.com slash H-T-H-E-O. Was it better having the Comedy Central run the roast? Or was it better with Netflix? It was different. I think because this was live, I was just like, why are they going to do this? Why do it live? Because it was an event. That's why. Everyone watched it. If this would have been just something that aired later on, I don't think it would have been this good. Because everyone was like, what the fuck?

58:25This is live? It was really crazy. and that's why in past roasts I've done really I've done this well before in past roasts I feel but after it's edited everyone looks like they did that good because of the magic of editing so I've never had like this kind of splash not that I've been like why didn't more people say I was good it just I never even thought to think that but I was like I didn't this to me was like a same that I've done on everyone but it was just like it wasn't I just did a set that wasn't edited that looked edited because I knew it wouldn't be edited so I didn't have the benefit of, I'll tell that joke and they'll just cut it if it doesn't go well.

59:00So I just had to make it perfect. Good for you, dude. Thanks, man. Way to think something through. Sometimes it's so hard to figure out all those little angles and piece them all together. It's really tough. And I got so much advice from my friends who work in production and who work in live production. My friends who are just good writers, good roast writers. I just got a lot of advice of how to frame it and tell a story. Because you could just get up there and just tell the best jokes and pick the best ones. and that will be a great set, but there's other elements to it too that make it fun and can make it just more palatable, I guess.

59:33Yeah, I think your level of confidence to having had done it a lot definitely helps. Also, Comedy Central was horribly late to the social media game. Can you believe Comedy Central is still on? On what? I think they have one show. They have two shows, three original shows right now. I think they have South Park, Awkwafina, and one other animation show. That's all their original programming. Wow. like how different is that than even 10 years like it's insane but you had comedy you're the one thing that a comedy or title but we've talked about that a lot on here they kind of dropped the wall but the biggest thing that they did was they went late to social media they went really late to it they went late to internet yeah they just were late to that whole game yes um you know they and daily show sorry they have daily show oh sorry they have uh yes that's it daily show aquafina dig man in south park that's it that's nuts they used to have so much yeah Yeah.

1:00:26Well, times have just changed, too. I mean, people aren't really watching. But they were late, and I think that didn't help as well. So if roasters did great for people to see it as easily. Yeah, I blew up from the roasts because of clips when TikTok came around. That's when people noticed me from the original roasts. And Netflix makes good clips. I mean, their clips just look glossier. It's just, you know, even as compared to stuff you see on, for some reason, they just do a better job of it. Yeah. And then Tom Brady is so high profile. You just don't realize it. Yeah, I didn't even want to do a roast again.

1:00:56Like, I don't know. The idea of roasting, like the Jonas Brothers, not that they even asked me to do that roast, but when that was, I was like, oh, that's the level where - They already did that one? Yeah, which was fun and I probably would entertain it, but it was like, I just didn't want to put myself up to be made fun of. Like, it's just not worth it to me if it's not a big deal. And Tom Brady, I'm like, this is a big deal. So I wrote, I think, Robbie Prah, the guy at Netflix who books everyone. and I think I wrote to him or he wrote to me about something else and I go, I saw this Tom Brady roast.

1:01:29This is like six months ago. And I was like, I want that. And he was like, I'm actually meeting with Tom pretty soon. I was like, tell Tom I'm the Tom Brady of roasting and that it's not going to be a Tom Brady roast without the best roaster there is right now. And did I believe that at the time? No. But I know, what I meant was I'll work the hardest. like I might be a six round draft pick but I'll fucking I'll prove to everyone by working hard I will not take this lightly I don't even know if he communicated that to him but I remember I never talk myself up in that way I'm really not very good at being like I can do this but I really did feel like I could and so I thought if I can appeal to Tom's sense of like I have work ethic like you do and I won't phone this in you're a big deal get me and so when I got it I was like you this is the you have to give it everything right if you ask for the ball you have to fucking you have everything yes so I the amount of I worked on that I don't love working that hard but you just have to ask for help you just have to have ask for help in terms of like stopping other things and having people protect you from getting overworked and were you wearing panties up there or not to be honest oh yeah totally oh yeah you got I was wearing I was actually yeah did you think about what panties were because Tom Brady's going to be there Do you, is that like a, is that a perverted thing to ask you?

1:02:52No, not at all, actually. I think, um, no, it really, um, I think, yeah, you kind of do think, you know what? If there's no chance I'm having sex, I really don't give a shit, you know? And like, no one's going to see, I don't care. So I don't think, I think that I wanted them to be black in case they, something happened and they show, but there was no chance of them showing my skirt wasn't as short as it may have looked. If your vagina hair gets real long, do women comb it or whatever? I don't know. Mine never gets that long enough to think about it. You probably try to tuck it up, I would think, into the underwear.

1:03:24But no, I definitely would. If I was out and I was like, I'm going to have sex and I didn't prepare for this and I was wearing a bad thong, I would just take it off and throw it away. Because I'd rather be wearing none than a disappointing pair. Even though I know most men don't even fucking care. Give it to a stray animal, huh? Give them a little treat, huh? She's something to chew on, yeah. Hey, Bubbles, huh? You want to party a little tonight? Go get your rocks off, little pony. Did you, was there part of you that thinks I may have a chance with Tom? I mean, you're an attractive lady. You're very funny.

1:03:54You actually look kind of like Giselle, you know? That's really nice of you. And people are going to comment that Theo was on one when he said that. But I will say. He's on that dust. Exactly. Well, I will say that I have a boyfriend. So I was like, no. But he would understand. Yeah, he would. If you left him for Tom. Yeah. who's not gonna understand I'm not gonna leave him for him but if I bang Tom like I think he'd probably be like you gotta do it yeah get in there like but I that wasn't in my I really did not think that but yeah I mean like I will say that you know I've done these roasts before and last time I was single and I like did a bunch of jokes about wanting to fuck Blake Griffin because he was gonna be there and I would I mean I would he's an attractive man I was single so I was like I'll throw in jokes about that and just see what happens and it's a joke you know like I don't really want it's a joke but yeah was there a little bit of like I would maybe like try me like I'm not like just going to do.

1:04:48Oh, oh, he'll fuck me in a bat. Like if he wants to and like he's charming, like it's a way to flirt. It's definitely a way to open the conversation. Yeah. So, yeah. Oh, my God. OK, I can kind of see it. I mean, that's my goal. Like my Giselle's the prettiest person that's ever lived. So I could get to a nine point two. If I keep getting the right kind of work and doctors, I could maybe get to looking like her like, you know, her half sister or something like that. Yeah. Yeah, like Jizzell. Yeah, exactly. People are like, whoa, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

1:05:25I'm trying to think of another one. Jizzell, but like the way you pay people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like that's the ultimate hooker name, Jizzell. That's great. That would have been a good roast joke, huh, maybe? That's good. That's good. No, you've got it. You can fucking. I was thinking your brain to like next time I do a roast, I'm just going to be like, can I just send pictures of the people and you just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind? Because you say you're the funniest. You're one of the funniest people that's ever lived. Like you are. You would be amazing at roast jokes.

1:05:57You're able to just like look at something and break it down in a way that. I don't know. Yes, you do know. I mean, like you've just been. Maybe you don't know, but the way your mind works and processes things is so fucking elite and cool. and yeah whenever I'm feeling not funny I'll watch some of your like compilations and stuff of just how you talk and how you think and it gets my mind into a place of like more being more creative oh that's sweet of you to say that like I don't know if you ever feel that way like the people you're around like make me funnier like I absorb it oh I think that there's a lot of truth to that it's funny cause and thank you some sweet stuff for you to say I think there was a time when my brain was really good and something happened in my brain I think I might be getting a disease or something No way.

1:06:38No, you're sharp as ever. Oh, I don't know. Really? You feel it? I live in here. You feel a dullness? I just feel like a lot of times my brain used to just give me the craziest, best idea, and it would even surprise me. And now this motherfucker is just a fucking... You might be used to it, though. I don't know. Because I haven't sensed a dip off from just observing. You make me laugh. That's what I was thinking today. It's like sometimes you sit in here and you have fun, and this is one of those times. Oh, well, making you laugh is a privilege. but I always just come in here. I'm like, I'm not even going to try to be funny.

1:07:08I just want to like laugh because I, I actually, I'm on, I'm on Reddit a lot and people, comedians subreddits. Oh, thinking of a drug or whatever. Like how many milligrams do you want? The more milligrams of Reddit, somebody's on the fucking worst they're doing, dude. No, I only do it at night after a long day. Like I, I will, I love Reddit, but they'll show me a lot of, um, my friend comedians and I kind of see their subreddits and yours is like so beloved and people like love you so much and I've part like not participated in it but I've like read through it and like some of your, sometimes I just go through and they'll be like, what's your favorite theoism and I'll just like read them.

1:07:47It's, you're brilliant. I don't mean to fan out but I'm just saying like when I came in here, I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna like laugh the whole time. That's like what it is. You and Tim Dillon, that episode, fuck it. I've listened to it a couple times. You both. No, he is. But he's next, I mean, he's next level. You guys are on the same level. I saw him at a dessert place or whatever, a dessert banquet. It might have even been like a dog show, but for desserts, you know? Okay. And it was like a – and he was there. I think he was a judge or whatever. I have no idea what the fuck that means. Okay.

1:08:22But he was like, man, we did something that day, didn't we? Dude, did you ever? I've talked to him about it so often. And I just talked to someone recently who was like Theo and Tim and we were quoting pieces of it where you guys were talking about those Uber Eats drivers. The DoorDash guys. DoorDash, yeah. You had some great lines in that. Like you guys, you both were just on fire. It was so fun. Oh, my God. That was such a great episode. You guys get together more often. This has been fun. I got to go do his show. He's like, let's let it simmer. Let's let it, you know. No, we want more. You made a good steak.

1:08:56He's like, just let it, you know, let's raise the calf. No, no, no. Don't raise the calf because there's no amount that we as fans, I'm a fan of both of yours in the same way. And I'm not like that with every comedian. Like I'm not consuming their content. But you guys, I would be like the way I would be like refreshing. When is this going to be posted? I'd be so excited. It's my favorite. Yeah, he makes me laugh. Yeah, I've been lucky to have some neat conversations with people. And yeah, and then it's a good way too to get to know people. And then this is what I start to realize. Nikki, it's like the most time you get to spend sometimes in a real conversation with some of the comedians is through podcasting.

1:09:34This is our hang. Someone said the thing of like, did comedians have friendships before podcasting? Like, what did they do? Like, yeah, this is how we get to know people. This is how, this is the most we've hung out. We've gone to like dinner before and stuff. But like, these are where we have conversations that we would never have even at dinner, maybe of just like sitting and doing nothing else. We're not on our phones. When are you hanging with someone not on your phone? So yeah, this is how I love podcasting for the friendship that you get out of it sometimes. Yeah. It's great. Yeah. And to get to catch up and have some moments in someone's life.

1:10:07Yeah. Do you jockey for position with the roasts on where you get to be in the order? I tried. You know, I said, I want to go first. How does that work? You just like wait for them to tell you what the fuck is going on because there's no like you don't know a lot. They're just like, here's who's going to be on. And then you find out like, oh, that person dropped out a week ago. And I'm like, OK, well, I've been writing about them for a week. Like, can you tell me? Like, it's kind of like. Like, who dropped out? Mike Tyson. And then someone else I'll tell you off air. But yeah, like. Man or woman?

1:10:36I'm going to ask three questions. Actually, three men that dropped off. Two comedians. Mike Tyson and then one celebrity. Three comedians. Mike Tyson. Two comedians. Two comedians. And they were men. Yeah, and I don't even know if they were confirmed. Maybe they were just names that were floated. I wish. Oh, because I'm friends with him enough to be like. don't drop out. What are you doing? This is great for you, you know, but no, it wasn't, it wasn't Tim. And I don't, don't tell us any names because I can't lie and I'll make you cut it. I can't think of other people. Oh, good. Great. I'm so glad your brain is doing exactly what you said it was doing before.

1:11:14I'm telling you. Dude, it's real. It's just empty. Dang. But Mike Tyson, so he didn't want to do it or he just couldn't. Who knows? He could have had something that he had to go do. He's training, who knows? I think at one point, Gronk was supposed to miss it. He was on it and then they took him off because he had to go to a wedding and then he decided to come back on. And I was like, thank God he made that roast so it wouldn't have been the same without him. So I'm so glad he decided to do it. The people that dropped out would have been great, but it wasn't like they weren't showstoppers in terms of like, what's going to happen?

1:11:42They would have killed though. There's one in particular that I'm like, come on, man. What are you doing? You should have done it. And I think he... Dave Attell probably. I wish. He'd be amazing at it. I've never seen him do a roast though. That's what I thought too. But yeah, I wanted to go first. Because that's where I've gone before. Oh, okay. Right after the host. Just open it up and then I'm done and I can relax and just enjoy the night. I don't want to sit there all night thinking about my set. And I just want to be done. I always want to go first on shows. I just don't want to wait around and think about being - That's how I am during sex, dude.

1:12:11You know? And people - Yeah. Girls don't understand it. See, I want them to go first. And then like, so I don't have to worry about pleasing. Yeah, them's me, dude. Yes, exactly. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're the same way. Yes, yes. I want to go first, dude. Get my work done. Yeah. And then I can relax and get my stuff done. Oh, I see what you're doing. Like, after I got you off, like, now I feel like I can just relax. If I'm, like, you know, if I, it's like when you massage someone and you're, like, I'll massage you after this. Like, I can't enjoy the massage because I'm, like, I have to massage this bitch after this.

1:12:40Oh, yeah, dude. So it's, like, kind of like that. But I ended up, yeah, I asked for a first spot. But you just, I don't have any power. I was just, like, I would like to really go first if there is a chance for me. And I'm the least famous person on the fucking thing. and they go I go I think it would really behoove the show for me to go early I've gone early in three different rows and it worked out but I don't want to also be like the last production company did it this way because they might go well then we're not doing it that way because we're doing things differently so you just kind of like what were the differences between the Comedy Central version and the Netflix version you think well the one was it was live it was live so that made it totally different yeah I think I didn't think about this before but after the fact like you can say like I never censored myself but it would get bleeped and bleeped things aren't as funny as just saying it sometimes they are.

1:13:22Sometimes a bleep is funnier than the word. Right. But it was a hundred percent live. Like, yeah, no way. So scary. So like, I'm not kidding you. I was, Oh, and I've said this before on other podcasts, so I'm sorry. I don't want to repeat myself, but I think we'll get into something else with this is that, um, dude, I had my set locked in. It's in the prompter. I just gave it right before we're going out. Like last minute, I'm making changes to certain words, everything. It's perfect. I submit it. I'm out there. And then, uh, Kevin Hart like does one of the jokes in my set and I have there's nothing I can do there's no stop down there's no commercials and I'm just like what do I do and I just decided to tell it thankfully it was our sets were separated enough that I was like people might forget that he said that but that was like there's just there's just and oh this is another thing oh I haven't said this before speaking of underwear and I was gonna say this and then I go don't say this but I think it's kind of funny.

1:14:16I think it's good. Yeah, I think people need to know what is it. I like right before my period ended like a day before the roast. And so I was like, I'm good. Like I was took out the last one. Like I don't know if you know how it works. How many do you do? Because they're almost like cigarettes. You don't do a whole pack. Do you? Sometimes like if you're really like. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh, you can go through not in a day. It's in a day. It's about three or three, two to four in a day. Four on a very heavy day. And maybe some girls are fives and some days maybe a girl is a wanted. Yeah. I thought there was just one and then a couple days later you take it out.

1:14:47No way. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's three or four a day. We all thought that. Really? Well, this is three or four. And I wouldn't expect you to know that. Like it's like we're not talking about it. Yeah. You're going to need the gum to quit, dude. That's crazy. What? Yeah. I was doing menthols too. Oh, wow. No filter. But I like, but yeah, there's something. No. Why doesn't Marlboro make a tampon? They probably should. with some nicotine in it. That's a way to absorb it. I mean, you can soak vodka and get high from doing that. So I was on my last one, and at my age, your period will stop and it'll start, and there's just funky things.

1:15:25It's like puttering out. It's like, we don't know what's going on. So I thought it was done, and then I'm going to go to the bathroom right before we go on. I'm like, I'm just going to pee one last time, and it's back on. More period? It's back on. It went from nothing for a day, nothing. I was done to it's enough that something needs to be like, I can't just like wipe it and be like, oh, and there's no. And I'm in the forum bathroom. I mean, probably. You're in a foreign bathroom? Forum. At the Kia Forum, I'm in the bathroom in the backstage. So it's like in this like kind of party area. It's not a bathroom that has like women's products or anything.

1:16:01So I just made a tampon with I just went like this and just shoved it up and corked it with some toilet paper, which any girl listening has done before. really like yeah because you either make up you go like this and you make a pad and you put the pad like with a bunch of toilet paper you make a pad but i couldn't risk making a pad because i was wearing a thong it could have just slipped out and i'm wearing a dress and it falls out this like bloody napkin would fall but i swear to god i didn't tuck it that well later on after the roast i went pee and i'm like it was it was loose it could have fallen out can you imagine on live tv if my napkin with blood on it like toilet paper would have fallen like it's not like a nice look It's like all crumpled up, fell out.

1:16:40Like, what would I have done? Like, that kind of thought goes through my mind. I'm like, that was so close to happening. So close to happening. It's scary. It's like one of those hospital scenes in Dunkirk. Have you seen Dunkirk? No, but. It's like a war movie. Even if the cameras didn't catch it, someone on the dais would have done something with it. And then it would have been a thing. Who would have done it? Let's decide right now. Well, Jeff Ross. Jeff actually probably would have saved me and just seen it and covered it up. Said it was his. He's like, yeah. Yes. He would have said it was his.

1:17:12Like, guys. He would have put it in as a pocket square. Yeah. Yeah. He would have had my back. Yeah. Or you could have said, oh, he could have been like, oh, I thought what's her name was on the day. It's the lady from that blood movie. Oh, the woman that talks like this. Yeah. Theranos. Yeah. Elizabeth Holmes. Yeah. They could have been like, oh, Elizabeth Holmes is here, guys. Oh, yeah. That would have been good. That's good. But yeah, like, do you ever think about things like that? Like, oh, my God, that could have gone so bad. You have like waves of excitement. Anytime I've done anything. And you're like, oh my God, I could have said that word or what.

1:17:43Yeah, dude. It's live TV. The things I could have done. And I know what word it is, dude. And yeah. Slay. Wow. And you don't want to say it, dude. You can say it in your car, but. No, man. But yeah, and you don't want to say it. And it's like, but yeah, it's like very scary. Like when they do, like we did good morning football or whatever. Yeah. And it was for the SEC championship and it was live. And I was like, I would never let me do live TV. Like I just don't even know what's going to go. You know, I just don't always know how I'm going to be. If something gets me sometimes. So scary. How did it go?

1:18:18I'm guessing it was great. It went okay. You look great. Oh my God, that's so scary. Is that Pat McAfee? Yeah. Oh yeah, I love him. He crushed it. He's so great. It was really fun, but it was just, I never realized what it's like being live. And they're like, and go. Yes. And you're like, what? Yeah. Yeah, but you've done like morning TV in like local markets. That's the closest we get to doing something like this because that's live. This is pretty live and you can take some stuff out. But yeah, this feels live. And like even that last thing, I'm like, oh, my God, if someone out of context just hears me go say slave.

1:18:48That was a callback if you're joining the show late and missed it. Also, if you start listening to a podcast in the middle at like 47 minutes. What if they're not listening in the beginning because they get like a package delivered or something and they miss that whole bit and then they keep listening. And that's the only thing. Well, if you don't know about slavery in America, dude, then that's your loss. If slavery even happened. Jesus Christ. I'm just saying they never found the boats. See what they bring up some of the boat. Bring up the marina. The marina. Bring up the marina in Charleston.

1:19:23Oh, my God. This is not funny. Marina. He's looking for it.

1:19:31where did the Amistad dock is what you want to know I love that movie I haven't seen it it's so good man Digimon Honsu he's so good give us free he's good in it they should do they should remake that and be like where are they now you know right Tony Hinchcliffe so good let's talk about that for a second dude he was so good well there's first of all there's nobody and I say this out of sheer admiration I talk about his show all the time Kill Tony gets a hundred thousand people watching it live on YouTube at the same time I get it it's so good he was a rock star that night I was like front row for it and he's walking by me roasting and just like the steadiness of his pace plus just looking like just going nice shoes Tom did you get those in the divorce like just boo just so smooth so confident who is this guy perfect way to get into it too because it starts out in the crowd and you're just like who's this guy doing a crowd bit that's like not the same as what we're doing up here dana white does this thing tony's like sitting there and uh and then it you know people know who he is obviously but it at that event maybe not as much yeah but he owned that fucking room and it just starts out slow you know it's like good joke here oh this guy knows how to write a joke oh that one was fucking good too and then the crescendo of like as soon as he gets to the comedians and starts going down the line at us i've really felt like i was watching a rock star like it felt like a musical performance to me i told him that i'm like it was rock star levels of good like just that's walking while roasting and he told me like he almost he when he was delivering the last one about the i forget he rodney king yes the king one that was just a perfect lyrically perfect joke um he said he almost fell off the stage he felt his shoe like like he had one of those moments of what if i would have fallen during that like it would have ruined.

1:21:24I mean, that would have been the worst thing ever, but that almost happened. But he fucking killed. Yeah, I saw him the other night, and we both know what each other are going through this week of people knew of us before on a big level that I would have never expected before my career, but it's next level now, and we're both like, you're feeling this too? It's a big deal. It's crazy. Yeah, it's really cool. Do you feel like this is kind of like a new level in your career? Yes. Let's go, dude. Dude, I'm not being modest about it because it's just undeniable. I don't get recognized this much. I don't have people saying, I heard someone talking about you, and they don't even know I know you.

1:22:06That's happened a hundred times. This is a cultural event. I didn't know it was going to. It's really bigger than anything I could ever have done in my career. It will never be a bigger moment in my career than this, even if I become way bigger. Nothing this like big. You look a little bit like Kylie Minogue. People tell you that? No, thank you. What's that? What's the song she sang? A lot of Down syndrome people listen to her. Oh, your boy is all I think about. I just can't get you out of my head. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I see it. Very pretty. Thank you. Yeah, there was something about this.

1:22:48And I think also just that it's the Tom Brady effect too. I think Tom Brady was always kept so from the public in a lot of ways. Like he was around, but he was always a, you know, he was always seemed like a safe guy, you know, a family man, you know, who tried probably as hard as he could to keep it together, tried to keep things on his own terms. Yeah. And even then. And this just blew it open. Yeah. And this just blew it up. I'm curious to see what it'll be like now. after the show what's it like when it ends are there like like I cannot go look him in the face right now are there some people I can't see yeah I was like I don't need to say anything to him like he doesn't need to hear from me again like everyone's gonna run up to him like we already I already hugged him afterwards he was very nice like I don't need to bug him thank you know but if I run into him great but I just went and found my parents they were there so I was just meandered off the stage and you didn't DM him or anything no I saw him on the way out I was walking back to my dressing room and he was leaving and I just said, Tom, thank you so much.

1:23:48Like real quick because I really don't want to bug him. I wrote my number in blood. At that point, I like knew we're not going to be friends. Like there is a vibe that you can feel like with Alec Baldwin at his roast. I was like, that's, I became friends with him after that. Like, or friendly. He knows who I am. He really, he was endeared to me. But Tom, I could just tell was like, this is a one and done. Like I wasn't trying to fuck him, but like there's not going to be other, he's not going to be like, oh, you should come to my parties or something. so I said thank you and he said thank you so much you did great good luck with everything which is kind of like you'll never talk to me again have a nice life we never have to see each other again and I understand it like that's how I feel too probably in his shoes but yeah that was it but afterwards it's just like you know was there a big party after?

1:24:31yeah there was a party at the forum club yeah it was fun my parents were there so I was kind of like hanging with them and it was just starting to feel like a little overwhelming of something big just happened in my life. And so it was starting to feel a little bit anxiety about, I was trying to process like, was that good? Did I go too hard? What did it look like? I don't know anything. So I just kind of wanted to get out of there. And I had to be on Howard Stern at three in the morning. I had to go get up for hair and makeup. So it was like finished at 10. It was in New York or? Oh, it was LA.

1:25:03LA. But I had to be up. Stern tapes out here? You had to fly over there? I did a remote from here. But I had to be up for hair and makeup at three in the morning. I was like, can I just like stay in this? but I had to do a new look because that's the way it works. But, um, yeah, so I was kind of like, what's next. And then I had Jimmy Kimmel the next day. So you just go into like, well, I have now I have to like, keep doing this again and then again and killing this hard and being this prepared, which is just impossible. Cause I don't have, because I think, well, the bit you don't have to do continually do more.

1:25:29Cause yeah, you could burn yourself out. It's, it's an unrealistic, you know, um, I'm just trying to think of how we, everybody can kind of relate to that when something kind of goes good, or it seems like you level up in some way how to manage that. Or is there anything really to manage at all? And part of that is just a mirage. Well, it's like getting a new car and you think it's going to stay new forever. There's a delusion that you have of like, I can just keep it this new forever. It'll smell this way. The leather will look this shiny. And it just doesn't, you can't. Like you can with a lot of hard work, but you just aren't going to do that.

1:26:02Most people don't keep new cars looking good. I think that's how I would relate it to people who don't maybe have that. like the way I feel about a new car. I'm like, okay, this is who I am now. I'm this new car lady. I'm a Mazda owner. I feel so much better about myself being in this new car. I can maintain this. And you just, you can, you definitely can. You can keep a car looking new. But two days later, you're smoking menthols in it. Yeah, you're like, I'll just have one cigarette and I won't ever do this regularly. I'll keep my hand way out when I smoke and then you're fucking eating it. But then an ash goes, burns the seat and then it's game over.

1:26:32You're eating M &Ms in it. You're yelling queers out the window of it. I'm putting on makeup, bronzers going everywhere. Yeah. You're yelling queer out the window. Well, sorry. Yeah, but you're in Clifton, New Jersey. Yeah. It's not like you're just anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. And that is what queer people like to be called queer. That they are queer. I mean. It's a term they embrace. Yeah. Beautiful queers a lot of times. Yeah. They yell. Yeah. I don't know that even though they embrace the term, they don't want it shouted at them. But maybe. Nah, you got to get out more. Yeah.

1:27:08Who was missing on the dais up there? Who was missing on the roast? Were there any roasters? Who's your Mount Roast more? Geraldo. You know, like obviously that feels like he's missing from there. Someone who's just like speaking from like the heart and a very personal place. And I tried to like, you know, I watched a lot of Geraldo to prepare for this. I'm like, what is my actual take on these people? I think we always remember Geraldo at the roast. some like, it was like Larry the Cable guy and he just at one point just breaks and is like why are you so famous? Like he just can't take it. It's not even, it seems like it's not part of the set.

1:27:43I don't think it was. And that is like a moment that I really liked and was like okay, I'd like to recreate that. Like how do I actually feel about this person? What's my personal frustration with them? I'm trying to think who else you miss. Like Elisa Lampanelli who's more of like a just boom boom boom and like can say some really sick, twisted, racist, sexist, homophobic shit and get away with it. Like just a sharpshooter like that. I can't believe she wasn't there. She quit comedy. Oh, she quit? She doesn't do stand-up anymore. She was like, it's too mean. It's not who I am anymore. And she was like the queen of mean.

1:28:14That was literally her moniker. And like going to a Lisa Lampanelli show early in my career, there was no one better. Yeah, she called me out one time in the audience. Yeah, I wasn't even a comedian yet. And she made fun of me. I was just sitting in like the back corner. So you've seen, you've witnessed it. She was amazing. And she was just like, no, I don't want to do this anymore. She does like self-help stuff. She still like performs. Well, she lost all that weight. I wonder if that changed some of her mindset in her life. Probably. Yeah. She, yeah, she quit insult comedy. And now she just does like, she, um, she does like weight loss seminars and stuff.

1:28:44Oh, good for her. So she just wants to help people. Wow. Which is something I could see either both you and me getting into like, uh, of just like empowering people. You, you know, you watch these Ted talks and these TikToks of people just like telling people like how to live a better life. And I'm like, Oh, I could see myself veering into that. Being a life coach or something like that? Yeah, being inspirational. Maybe not a life coach, but yeah, like just teaching people how to like themselves more. Not necessarily being good at it myself, but seeing how other people could and seeing, just knowing the tools to get there.

1:29:12Not that I'm necessarily picking up those tools. Right, but sometimes people can see things easily in somebody else, even if they can't see it in themselves or adjust that for themselves. It doesn't mean that they're not still a good, like you could be a good painter, but you may not know your own colors or whatever. Well, you know, I used to, as a kid, I remember watching gymnastics coaches like yell at the gym, these little girls like, you're doing it wrong, Kerry Strong. Yeah, like Bella Caroli. And I'd be like, you get up on that fucking beam, you asshole. Yeah. He can't do any of that shit, but he's good at coaching.

1:29:42So it's just like it's that's the kind of thing. And I don't even feel like my therapist needs. I don't need my therapist to have like a great, full, perfect life that I want. I feel like they can. They're usually so fucked up. Yeah, I don't need my therapist to have a round off back handspring either. Yeah, they don't. Exactly. I don't need them to be perfect I think you can dish it out without really doing it yourself It's hard Well being alive is tricky dude Some people have wieners Some people have vaginas Some people have both Some people have both now imagine that I don't think now I don't think it's just getting built That's an interesting thing I haven't heard about gender reassignment Where they want to become a hermaphrodite Where they're like I want both Don't get rid of my vagina Let's just add on a dick next to it Well, how many people are born – are more people born – can you be born trans?

1:30:30Yes. Yeah. So you're born with both genitalia. No, no, no, no. Trans don't have both genitalia. People post-op trans have what they wanted. They got rid of the last one. The penis is turned into a vagina. The vagina is turned into a penis. But you're born trans and then you can be – I don't know the exact terminology but yeah. Yeah, intersex are born with both sex characteristics. 1.7 % of the population are born with intersex traits, but not gentalia. Jesus. Yeah, that checks out. So what does that mean? People are born with both? People are born with both. 1.7 %? No, they're not. They said traits.

1:31:07That means maybe more titties. Right. Okay, bigger breasts maybe. Or like big hips or something. Yeah, longer lashes. Oh, dang. Oh, they look so good on men. Long lashes. Martin, you have long lashes, Martin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so. So what about when women learn to masturbate? When does that kind of happen for women? Because guys talk about it a lot. Like, you know, I'm in these meetings and people are always talking about it. I'm like, when do women learn about it? I was so mad at my friends because all of my friends in high school were doing it. Some in middle school. Didn't tell you? Some even earlier.

1:31:45We didn't talk about it. We talked about everything. They didn't tell me about it. So I didn't know about it. What were you doing? Just reading or whatever? I didn't even do that. I would never. I was not. I was definitely horny in high school. It started late for me, but it was it happened. And I didn't know what to do with it. I would like, you know, if I had an itch down there, I'd itch it. And I'd be like, oh, that kind of feels good. But I would never follow through. And it wasn't because I was like, I'm God's watching. I just didn't know what to do. I would never. I know like penises go in you at some point, but I would never think to put something in me.

1:32:13I was not sexually driven in that way. But all my friends figured out on their own. We were all doing. They were all doing it individually, not talking about it. with each other and not talking about with me either. I would have a hundred percent done it. But once I found out it was a thing, I started doing it. Once it became, I was an adult, but that was the only way I had to have information first. Does it add wear and tear, I feel like to the vagina over the long term? Yeah, I mean, mine, the way I do, it does. Really? Just not wear and tear, but like, you know, people, this is not good. People always think all I do is talk about sex, but I just, I feel comfortable talking about it openly.

1:32:47I think it is interesting. I use like the Hitachi wand. Oh my God. Is that a real, like, is it like a DeWalt or whatever? You can look it up. Hitachi wand. You've seen it before. It's like the classic, it's like in porn. It's like, it's like a back massager looking thing. It's like, it looks like almost a big white mic. Oh, that thing could beat an egg, huh? That thing is. Oh, it's crazy. It's crazy. And so I put that in the front, you know, you don't put it in you. You can, I guess. But that's, I pretty much always use that. And that, because it's, the vibrations like will make things sometimes swell, I guess.

1:33:20So I can get kind of swollen down there if I go too hard. But that's what I mean by beat up. It's not like it's like it leaves permanent damage or something. But yeah, you've seen those before, right? Yeah, I've seen something like that. I think also. You should. They're amazing. Everyone should have one. Waterpik makes that too, don't they? What's that company called? Oh, a Waterpik would be too intense. But I'm sure that that would work. If I was on the road and didn't have anything and I was really horny, I absolutely would probably try a water pick. We need more of it in the community, gals.

1:33:49Get out there. I would really recommend blowing people instead of having sex with them because you can't get pregnant. And I know sometimes having sex as a woman, you go, that's less scary because women are scared of being judged after sex. When you're young especially, a guy's going to think I'm bad at sucking dick. And so you avoid it. That's what I did. And so I would have sex before I gave a blowjob because I just wanted to do. And what do you mean by dick? You're talking about wiener. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought that I would be judged. And so I had so much more sex than I should have because I was just avoiding doing this thing that I thought was high risk.

1:34:22But really the high risk was almost pregnant. Yeah. You should have been blowing people. Definitely. I would. If you could go back in time. I would teach my daughter about blowjobs and say, this is how you do it. If you're interested in boys. Teacher. Yeah. I would. If my daughter was starting to be sexually active when I just sensed like she's dressing in a way that she's like boys are liking her and she's hanging out with boys. I'd be like, listen. Listen in a slipknot or whatever. But like if you want to get, I don't think you should, but I would recommend a handjob. Do that. And I'm not going to teach you how, but like do your research.

1:34:53Handjobs are where it's at. That's what they want anyway. In Native American cultures, a lot of the older sibling will go out into the woods and teach the younger sibling how to masturbate. So there's not as much shame with it because then it's like something you like, you learn. You're like, oh, this is, yeah. I do it like my brother did it. He did it like my grandfather did it. Like we've all, this is how we do it, you know? Yeah. And so it's like you at least can have your own, not style of it, but it's like, then it's not something that's taboo. Cause I remember, yeah, I remember jerking off or whatever.

1:35:24And then just being like, oh my God, dude, I'm such a weirdo. God hates me. People think I'm, everybody knows. I remember thinking that even though nobody knew, I thought everybody knew that I've been jerking off because like the way I was like moving or something yes and I'm like damn I'm walking like I've been jerking off you know and so I think I was always paranoid and if people would be like hey what's going on and I'd be like you know I've been jerking off oh my god the shame that people carry with them so much so much shame that just stays with you even after you like kind of are like oh it's not that bad it's like you can't erase it speaking of that um what else did I just seeing the news.

1:36:03Oh, the Boy Scouts are changing their name. Did you see that, Nick? To the Scouts or something? There we go. Boy Scouts of America changing name to more inclusive Scouting America after years of woes. Are the years of woes about the gender thing or just that they were molesting boys non-stop and they just want to get boys out of the title to make people not think about boys? Is this like a woke thing of like boys or is this about molestation and wanting to get away from that? There's no doubt the Catholic Church will pick the name up immediately, probably. That's what I'm thinking. They should just call it the Boy Scouts of America.

1:36:45The Roman Catholic Church changes its name. The Boy Scouts of America announced that after 114 years that it will change its name and will become Scouting America in an effort to emphasize inclusion. So it is about inclusion. as it works to move past the turmoil of bankruptcy and a flood of sexual abuse. Yeah, so it's both. I really think it's both. Boy Scouts is just, it's a, it's a, um. Yeah, they've just, yeah. They're so associated with diddling boys that it's like, let's get away from that name. We're a punchline. They are. So Scouting America, I like it. I think it's a good move. The crazy thing is nobody apparently can hang out with a bunch of boys without molesting one of them.

1:37:23Well, it's just that people who are pedophiles find ways to hang out with boys. So that's a job that a pedophile would get into. Dude, we had this guy Richard Langenstein, right? And he is, he's D-E-A-D now. But he had an autographed Shaquille O 'Neal shoe, like a big shoe, and he would always use that to entice boys in. And then try and pervert them or get them to, you know, just be perverted or whatever. Wait, who is this? You had a guy. What does that mean, you had a guy? At first I thought you were like, we had a guest on the show. No, as a child in our town. In our town, yeah. A school teacher.

1:38:01Yeah, they have an inn. Yeah. It's not crazy. Yeah, like come look at this big sneaker, you know, and you'd be over there and then he would order a couple of. They have like video games. Filet steaks or whatever. Yeah. Baked potatoes and shit. Yeah, they have their shifty ways. Yeah, they have to reel you in. It's like the guy, the classic one is just like a man in a van with candy. but it's like they find another way of like having kids stuff. Arcade games, signed shoes, like any of that shit. Like look out. If a guy in your son's life has a lot of memorabilia that 14, you know, 12, 11, 12 year old boys enjoy, it's not because he's just in touch with his, you know, boyhood side.

1:38:42That could be it. But if he's interested in your son coming over to hang out, that I would say 90 % chance that person's trying to fuck your son. Yeah, and parents would be like, yeah, go. He's a nice guy. He's a teacher. Yeah. And at first I'd go over there with my girlfriend, you know, and we would just be like nice people over there. And then he kept having my buddies come over and we would all get stoned with him. He used to smoke a lot of dope. Oh, my God. And then he would like – The massages. Oh, he would say things that was real perverted, you know. Testing. It's like they just have – they all follow the same playbook.

1:39:13It's pretty like evident when you start paying attention and know about it. And my buddy put lotion on his back one time because he had like – what's it called when your skin kind of comes off a little bit? he had psoriasis and my buddy Nathan put lotion on his back and he was short too so we had to even reach up to do it which was fucking gay as hell poor Nathan one time we were in the kitchen I've told this story before and my buddy Scott was in the living room and Big Richard had ordered us a couple filet steaks and we never even had steaks dude said we were fucking losing our minds dude the parsley was in there we're like what the fuck you know and um and my buddy scott i was like uh he goes hey can you get me some sour cream he just yelled from the living room and i was in the kitchen and i said no but you can have some of this sweet cream i was just joking about semen yeah i bet richard liked that and then you heard Richard go, can I have some?

1:40:16In all of our heads, you could feel like a secondhand tit to the next, in all of our heads, and we're like, we, somebody's getting molested. None of us are getting out of here. Not it. Yeah, not it. We'll finish the steak first, but I'm out. It just breaks my heart that that's the kind of thing. That happens, it's happening right now. Somewhere. Hundreds, thousands of places is that kind of like grooming, as they say, which is just it's disgusting. But that's why you got to talk about it. So people that have kids can be on alert for the stuff because you're not a bad parent if you miss it. Like I think some because you don't talk about it with your kid.

1:40:55Yeah, you have to talk. If I had kids, I would tell if anyone ever. The big thing I think parents need to know from what I've learned about pedophiles and how they operate is that they do what they do. Then they tell the kid, if you tell anyone, your parents will hate you forever and they'll or I'll kill your parents. Like you'll lose your parents in some way. And they believe them because they've already had the secret thing that's going on with this guy. You just need to tell your kids if anyone ever says they can kill mommy or kill daddy or that we won't love you, just know they're lying. Like cement that in your kid's head that no matter who it is, no one can kill mommy.

1:41:28And maybe that's a bad thing to tell them. Right, but no, it's not. You got to put that kind of stuff. Because that's what they use. Because we didn't know anything. That was the problem. That's what they use against the kids. And that will keep a kid from telling even the most – a parent that says, tell mommy if someone touches you in your bathing suit area. That's not enough. You need to say, if someone tells you that I will not love you or that I will – they will kill me if you tell me. It's not true. Right. That's what you got to do, I think. Yeah, no, I think you got to – people have to communicate to their parents, to their children about everything.

1:41:55Like if your kids aren't getting along, if they don't love each other, like you got to teach them how to love each other. Like there's so many things I think some parents maybe just think the kids know automatically. Yeah. that it's just maybe because they weren't instructed, you know? But it's like I think there can be more instruction out there. And I don't have any children, so I'm not judging. But you want to be a dad, right? Yeah, I would like to be a dad, you know? You would be great. Oh, my God, you'd be so great. Your kid would be so lucky. But my freaking wife is going to be there, and that's going to be the tough part.

1:42:21That's the bummer. She'll be good, too. You'll pick someone good. She'll be good, yeah. Yeah, she'll be great. You're not going to fuck that up. And if she isn't, I don't know what happened to her, officer.

1:42:35I'm joking that's my future wife might be hearing this I'm looking forward to loving you she definitely is I don't know you yet but I'm looking forward to loving you or maybe I do know you oh that's so sweet that's so sweet that kind of shit like really gets me when it's like of like you talk to your future whatever or I think that's so cute cause she will see this yeah she might yeah well even after you're married someone will send her this clip or something oh yeah that's sweet yeah it's nice yeah babe yeah Manifest it. Yeah. Hey, we're just watching the game and that's all we're doing. We're not up to no good, you know?

1:43:13Back off the coke. I'm just saying things to my future wife.

1:43:22What else is going on? Anything else in the news? Did you see that Peter Griffin that they found on TikTok? You see that guy? No. I'm not on TikTok, are you? Real life Peter Griffin. Oh, wow. Did you ever believe that you would be a big success? Honestly, I just dressed like Peter Griffin at Comic-Con like 11 years ago with my friends. Get out. Decided to have fun, and then it turned into this whole career thing. He talks his other little. The shout-out of Family Guy. I didn't believe people at first. I was like, they did not shout me out on Family Guy. And then people were sending me the clips.

1:43:54I'm like, holy shit, they really did? So it's been quite a trip. I enjoy it tremendously. I like making people laugh and making them happy. and that kind of stuff. So, you know, every year's it is. I love him. He sounds exactly like him. Yeah, he does. That's amazing. My buddy Danny looks like the wife. What's her name? Lois. Lois. Lois Griffin. Yeah, my buddy Danny. Wait, your buddy Danny looks like her? Yeah, and I'll put a side-by-side if Danny allows me. I'm going to have to ask him after we tape and ask him to see if I can put it in. Yeah. He took us fishing once in Illinois up there in Stark County, Illinois.

1:44:32they got a beautiful male Lois Griffin look alike. This is insane. Yeah, he does a good job. Yeah. What about you have your new special is out. Yeah. HBO. Someday You'll Die is the name of it. What a great time for all the extra hype then, right? Dude, it all just timed out perfectly. What are the freaking odds of that? It's I just am really lucky. Sometimes you just go man, I lucked out. There's been a lot of times I'm not lucky in this business and it could have kept going like that but it was yeah it just was great so it's a little bit of pressure of being like well my stand-up is not roast right like that's tight like refined and my stand-up's a little bit more it's different and so I'm like I hope people don't expect that and but it's I love it and it's beautiful looking and I worked really hard on it and I wrote a song I wrote my first song I have a single out right now dude I know and here's the thing is like I would never bring it up if I thought at all it wasn't good but I'm it's like one of the things I'm most proud of in my whole life I've ever done I wrote my first song and it's like I'm not kidding you it's a hit really yeah I like my voice like I'm gonna get better at singing but my songwriting is fucking I feel really proud of it it's like a pop song that I like can we listen to it yeah I honestly I would love for you to I would and I would never in a million years watch a stand-up clip with you of mine ever do you know I mean oh this I'm like yeah play it hit it um well it's first I want to yeah last time I went to my buddy Walker Bueller's house and he's a pitcher.

1:45:57He was on, he was a previous guest on here. He's a Dodgers pitcher and his wife Mackenzie, they just had a new baby. Bring up that baby. This baby is so cute if you can find a pitcher. But I was over there and she was saying that they saw you on the roast and then that she went and watched her special and really enjoyed it. Oh, really? Oh, nice. Just so you're getting like some immediate feedback. Thank you. No, that feels so good. Oh, she's so cute. Oh, congrats to them. Oh, yeah, dude. It was cool. Oh, they're so happy. That's so exciting. They really were. She's perfect. It was cool to see.

1:46:27Yes, she's even cuter now. She looks a little bit like George Costanza right there. No shade. He's beautiful. He's amazing. But she's a little older now. But anyway, that was one of the highlights of my week was getting to go see their kiddo. But they mentioned that they saw you were special. Oh, that's nice. Okay, good. No, I love it. It's just, you know, you just like all eyes on you. You just are like, I got to keep this up. Right. People are saying I'm fantastic. Like if I even drop the ball a little bit, people will be like, no, she's actually not. And then I'm scared it's going to go away.

1:46:58But I'm not embracing it. I'm like not letting it in that much because I'm scared it's going to go away. You ever do that? Yeah. Well, I think there's like if things are going good, there's a level of also just being in a place where it's like, okay, I don't have to slam. I don't have things. I'm already going downhill. So if I add acceleration, then that's when things get scary. I'm already at increasing speed. That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you add like, but people are like, you know, you have to throw gas on the fire while it's going. But I don't know if I always believe that. Yeah.

1:47:29You know, this is it. So this is a real song. Dude. Okay. So the reason it even got made is like I've been during COVID. I learned how to play guitar and I started singing and I was like, I would like to like be able to like play at a coffee shop just like with a wig on or something. If I was famous enough that people would go, that's Nikki Glaser. But generally I was like, oh, I could probably just do this under a different name or something. Like this wigger. Literally coffee. yeah just a coffee shop because my dad plays locally at grocery stores and restaurants and bars and grills was your dad an astronaut uh no he was in the cable business but close and so he um but he plays music now and he's a really good musician so that's all i aspired to was like i'll just do that but then when i was making my special and editing it we were like uh we're like what music do you want to use over the credits and i was like i gave a bunch of songs because i care about the credits like i like that song to like hit at the end so i had a bunch of ideas but they were like$30 ,000 a piece and we were over budget.

1:48:20So it would have come out of my money, which I would have paid if it was like, but I was like, no, I'll just, what if I wrote a song? And you know, my producing team was like, you can. And I was like, oh, okay. So I just hired a producer from Chicago to come down to St. Louis. I flew him down, put him up. And he was a friend of a friend. And then I had my other buddy, Tim Convey, who's been in bands. Uh, we all got together. And then the night before I was like, I want to bring a song. I don't want someone to write a song for me like I want to write it and maybe it'll suck and then I'll use their song but I just wrote the song the night before we went into the studio and then the next day I was just like I've never written a song in my life like I've written like parody songs to songs that have already been written yeah but like from coming up with the melody and everything like it was and I was like oh this is actually good like it was kind of like the way I felt the first time I did stand-up where I was like I think I'm kind of good at this like I'm not great yet no but look Look, I think this is huge.

1:49:12I have potential. Having some confidence in trying something new is huge, you know? Because I think everybody sometimes wants to try different things, you know? And even if it sucked, I'd still keep going. But I'm just like, I think I just got lucky. You know, the first set you have was really good because you wouldn't keep doing it. And I think that's like, I'll write some real shitty songs. But I think I wrote a really good song. Amen. Yeah, I want to hear it. We'll listen in a second. Yeah, I want to get a DJ table too. Because even if you're good at that, you're still dumb as fuck. What do you like?

1:49:39What's your extracurricular that you want to be really good at that maybe people are like, no one needs that from you, Theo? Kind of like, we like you for this. Stop trying this other thing. Is there any sport? Sometimes I would think yoga, DJing.

1:49:57How often do you do yoga? Three times a week. Oh, that's a lot. So you're getting good. You've been doing it a while. I feel good, yeah. It feels pretty good when I do it. What else? Maybe pickleball. Yeah. Artwork. Yeah. Oh. And. I learned a lot. Violin and sex, maybe. Wait, violin, really? You play violin? Yeah, I just think it would be remarkable to be able. It would just shock the world. You should pick it up. Even if you're four years in, you will blow people's minds at how good you can be. Just with a little bit of work. Amazing. I can see it. Thank you. And what else? Oh, harp is kind of gay, I think.

1:50:38But I would like to, I would be willing to date a woman that was a nurse or could play harp. Dude, I was on this ayahuasca one time. I was on this ayahuasca ceremony. And we're sitting in this room. And me and my buddy are dying laughing so hard. They, like, kicked us out of the ceremony because we're laughing so hard. Then somebody came up to us outside of the ceremony. It's, like, 3 a.m. in the middle of nowhere. And, like, hey, you guys are laughing too loud. You have to go back inside. I'm, like, we just got kicked out. Oh, my God. they don't want us in there they're like now they're puking they're distracted but we were sitting in this one room and we were like having like this meditation moment pretty deep and this girl was playing a harp just over in the corner she'd come out and she had a harp and she was sitting there just playing it and then at one point this guy's like hey you can play that harp a little louder if you want to because she was playing real quietly because it was a real quiet environment and she goes who me?

1:51:44and we're like we just died fucking laughing like

1:51:52you think there's another fucking harp player out here? it was just weird that's the dumbest story but um I loved it let's hear it this is Nikki Glaser Someday You'll Die

1:52:30Yeah.

1:52:47Bro

1:53:07Amen, huh?

1:53:12That's good. Let's leave them. Let's make them want to go listen. Let's make them go have to listen to it. Song of the Summer, Someday You'll Die. Dude, I could see that being remixed. Dude. By some DJs. Yes, do it. You know what I'm talking about? You got the equipment? Well, I'm ordering some stuff online, yeah. People, do something with that song. Do whatever you want. Yeah. But I don't have to because someday you'll die. It's like, yeah. Yeah, it's like that's what I kind of feel sometimes is like I have suicidal thoughts when I get depressed. And it soothes me because I just – the idea of it, people go, oh, that's so sad.

1:53:47You think about killing yourself. I'm like, no, dude. I need to think about that because it relaxes me to be like someday this will be over. It's okay. But then also that's also the fear is someday I'll die. Holy fuck. You know, it's both. So I just – yeah. That's what my whole special is about really. Really? Yeah. Just like dealing with the fear of death while also really wanting it sometimes because it's just life is too fucking hard. Well, yeah. Sometimes I think about how much sleep you get when you're able to die. And the rest. Yeah. It's like you almost feel like, you know what? I could sleep for about 80 years.

1:54:19Yeah. So you wonder how long until God like sparks you back up or whatever. Yeah. You know. I think sometimes it's quick and then sometimes you just wait around for a minute because you're not. I don't know. Who knows what happens. But yeah. Sometimes it feels like death will be like, oh, God, I have a vacation coming up. Yeah. Yeah, I think sometimes death's like, yeah, we got a good one here. Yeah. Yeah. And then sometimes it's like, no, I don't want to leave. It's like it's both. But I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to think about death and be soothed by it. Sometimes I used to feel like I was really something wrong with me that I felt that.

1:54:53But it makes sense. It's like it's just I just want to think about it. I'm not going to do anything about it. I know I'll never kill myself. But sometimes I think about it and it makes me feel like I have a little bit of control and that there is a way out if I want it, even though I'm not going to do it. Just let me just fantasize sometimes. And it's not good for you, but I do go there and I'm not ashamed of it anymore, I guess. Well, I think thinking about that sort of stuff is fascinating. You know, it's interesting because we've also determined like everybody that has a thought that's not positive, that something is wrong with them.

1:55:23You know, when people like some of the most like morose writers and stuff of our time have thought about some of the most depraved and darkest things. You know, if you look at like Nietzsche or Edgar Allan Poe, dude, or the guy that wrote Da Vinci Code. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Tuesdays with Maury. Yeah. No, it's true. It's like you got to go there. I know you think about it. Yeah, but sometimes I get scared to think about it, but it's really a brave thing to go think about, too. Oh, I think your brain won't let you think about it for longer than, like, there's some kind of statistic about longer than 90 seconds or something.

1:56:04Because your brain just can't handle it. That's pretty crazy, isn't it? It is. It's interesting. Yeah. And it sucks that we all have to do it. I know. That's what I don't like. Like, sometimes I forget I have to die someday, and I'll be just looking out a plane window, letting my mom wander, and I'm like, oh, fuck, I have to die someday. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Like it's almost like you forget you're like, oh, no, I got to do that. Like it's just like, yeah, like I left the oven on. Yeah, I have to. Yes, exactly. That same feeling like I'm going to miss this or I'm going to miss this person. I got to get my passport updated.

1:56:34Shit. Yeah, I got to do that. Remember to do that. Oh, I don't want to. But yeah, are all the emails or that you left your shoes in the hallway. That'd be like the thought I'm having when I'm dying. Like, fuck, dude. I left those fucking shoes in the hallway. What's the problem with that? Well, they should be in the closet. What's going to happen if they're not? I don't know I just won't die the right way or like it won't go into time I won't go into the filing cabinet of the heavens the correct way like fuck dude you fucking left the heat on well I have that OCD thing too sometimes of like if this thing I don't do right then this other thing will go horribly and I had that right before the roast I was like trying to remember a lyric and I was like if you can't remember this lyric you know when your brain just makes a rule and you're like you better fucking remember this lyric and I couldn't I failed my little test and I was like, okay, it's set in stone.

1:57:21I'm going to fail on the roast. And let me just tell you, it didn't happen. So OCD is like when it's not always real. Like because it was set in stone. God made that assignment for me to remember that lyric. I failed the test. Therefore, I was going to be punished and my OCD was wrong. So that like that gave me, I was so happy when it went right because I was like, okay, good. That isn't real. That thing that happens to me all the time is not real. All the time when I was a kid, it would be like I'd run and try to jump and touch a brand. It's like if you can't touch that brand, you're a little f***ed or something.

1:57:49And then I would run and I would not be able to touch it And I'm like god dang it dude You know Yes we do it well I do it all the time still And it's not true Babies Where are they huh Whitney did it Not me Wow I'll adopt if I want them You need to have your baby fight her baby though That would be fun It's not gonna happen Unless I'll adopt a child that is the age that hers is So we can do a fair thing What brand are you gonna adopt whatever's available I'm kind of like I would never go like I want it to look like this I'm the same way with dogs like I'm not like I want I want to rescue you but I want it to be a little white dog or whatever it is I just take whatever they gave me but of course you hope for like a cute kid yeah I want him to be a cute kid and smart and all and but I feel like yeah I don't know I don't think it's for me unless I find someone who really wants to be a very hands-on father almost in a mature like as present as a mom would be because I really like to work and I like traveling still and stuff like that and I think that's more of a father role Work is my relationship I realized over the years I don't know if I fell in love with it and it's really a relationship I have I wake up with it I go to bed with it it's the biggest part of my life It pays off because it is But at some point you can start coasting a little bit and let in something else Yeah maybe so I'm projecting to myself.

1:59:17Maybe something with some tits on it. You feel me? Yeah, you deserve it. Thanks, dude. Or get your own. That's how it is now. That's a lot of dudes, huh? A lot of dudes are like, oh, I ain't going to meet these chicks. I'll just get some tits put on. I don't think that's how it works. Really? No, I don't think men are transitioning to women so that they can feel their own tits. I'll show these bitches. I'll be one of them. You can't titty fuck yourself. But you can look at them. You can suck your own, I guess. Yeah, you can look at them. Yeah, but dude, you don't want to sip where you eat. You know what I'm saying, dude?

1:59:48I think you do. I don't know what the statement is. Nikki Glaser, thank you for roasting Tom Brady, dude. What a crazy thing to get to do. So crazy. So cool. Yeah, yeah. A legend. Is he beautiful in person? So handsome. But almost like unreal looking. I had a joke for a while that was like, I want to put a knife through you to make sure you're not cake. You know, like he looks cake. Like he looks like his wax figurine was, they were like, we don't have enough wax to make it look like as waxy as he does. Right. He looks unreal because he's had really good work done. Yeah. He's a good looking man, but it's almost too perfect.

2:00:26I was intimidating to look at. Has he had work done, you think? Oh, yeah. Really? It'd be crazy if he didn't. He's got all that money. He's got a wife that is like the most stunningly beautiful woman ever. You kind of want to raise to that level. She's got good people working on her. I'm sure she's a natural 10 but she's also she's gone up to 12 I would say with the right work so yeah he's definitely done stuff he's definitely done stuff and I don't begrudge him he did good stuff he looks great beautiful man beautiful guy beautiful man yeah Nikki Glaser great to spend time with you so fun I love you congratulations I love you too thank you now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be Cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it In my bones But it's gonna take

2:01:30Thank you.