E508 Joey Diaz

26:27Oh, yeah. Weed companies were sticking their hands out. Edible companies. It was funny. Give me fucking edibles. Then Comedy Chaos. Who got the most fucked up over the time? Give me the five people that probably, when they showed up at the church, they definitely, they got the holiest of water, bro. who got doused the most up there? I saw a lot of people go through changes. Yeah. Right in fucking front of me, man. Oh, yeah, dude. You could see their eyes, and I'm like, you know. From spring to fall, a damn solstice right in front of you. Oh, Sarah Tiana? Yeah. I love her to death. Oh, she's great.

27:02That was not good. That made me feel really bad, you know, because she's the fucking salt of the earth. I love that girl. She's so sweet, so funny. There was a lot of shit that people didn't see. Yeah. Like one of the best episodes we did was Stephen Bauer the first time. You know who Stephen Bauer was? The guy from Scarface? No, did he pass away? No, no, no. He played Manolo. He played Manny. He was at the store too. He was going to the store at the end. He came in one time with cargo shorts. Now you got to remember, it was like here, the cameras are facing me. That's the time. He came in with cargo shorts.

27:39the camera would face him and every once in a while he'd go off camera and take a liquor bottle out of his sock. First they were in his sock. I mean, this is classic shit. He would take them out of his sock first and drink them and then put them upside down over here. Then there were six empty ones. Then he started going in his cargo pants and he would take another bottle out and drink it. We counted like nine fucking bottles plus the beer he was drinking. Oh, yeah. Plus God knows what else. You know, people were doing that. A guy came on one day. I forget what the fucking guy's name was. I haven't spoken to him in like three years.

28:17He disappeared. Was it a Japanese guy? No, he's an Italian guy. I forget what his fucking name was. He would come on there and bring bags of pills. I'm not talking about like a prescription bottle. Like he'd come in with like, oh, I got these. And then when you take these, this is the way he carried the bag. When you took one of these, you did one of these. And then if this don't do it, this don't do it. And he'd give us pills by the hand. I didn't know what they were. We used to just call them happy pills. When you're just eating pills and you know what the fuck they are. And I remember I did his podcast once on a Sunday.

28:52And when I got there, they had bags of fucking pills at the studio. Wow. And one day I go, you know what? Give me one of those fucking pills. This is the Lord's Day. I got nothing going on. I was high from 1 o 'clock in the afternoon to fucking the next day. I don't know what type of pill I took. I don't know what he was giving out that day. I mean, I was fucked up. Did it have like a leopard pattern on it? I have no fucking idea. I didn't see no leopards. I didn't see nothing. Because I took some shit. Yeah, one time this guy, I don't want to say the dude was gay, but everybody knew he was gay, and he knew he was gay.

29:23But he gave me a couple somas to drive him somewhere, right, dude? He's like, this is the worst idea ever, bro. And RIP, bro, my boy Billy Conforto. but he uh he gave me a couple somas to drive him somewhere he's like Dio bruh uh because he looked like Don Flamenco remember Don Flamenco from Mike Tyson's Punch Out this guy was the first homosexual that everybody knew in our area and he also was a pride Billy would he was a fighter too he grew up boxing right and then um so he would uh get the one with the rose in his mouth that looks more like him there you go that's billy right there bro okay so he fucking goes d-o bro i'll give you if you i'll give you a couple somas you drive me across the lake bro i was like all right i've never taken somas in my life too so i took two of them bitches dude he went into the top to the uh service station to get a prepaid phone call or something because he had some domestic issues but so he comes back out bro and i fucking it only been about 12 minutes at taking them bitches we start driving dude i took a right turn and it place didn't even exist bro fucking road didn't even exist bro right oh my god bro he fucking takes my body moves me over to the passenger seat the cops came he went to jail for like four months dude so he's switching it oh fucking g bro bless his heart because he knew he put me in that situation i was a child he was like an adult bro but it was uh i was just trying but who gives their drive a fucking two somas you know so just poor pill management really but poor pill management yeah it is but damn that was something dude god oh when i think of some of the times dude it scares you yeah when i think it's the times that i drove fucked up yoey when i i used to get i would put both of my feet on the pedals right because i was too nervous to let one of my feet make all the decisions right so i was like i ain't trusting this one of my feet i'm gonna have both feet down there in case something pops off right so i had one on each pedal but even then it's like playing a you know it's a little bit of driver's ed kind of vibes it's a so and i would be like in a crosswalk and i would be high and somebody would be walking through and i'd be like do not fucking hit the gas bro just hoping my feet didn't do their own shit and start a new adventure for themselves you know just It's got me just being so fucked up that you didn't know if you were going to be able to rely on yourself.

31:55That shit was tough. That's one thing about me I never fucking did. As crazy as I am, I could do anything. Like if you say to me, Joey, can we do this? Let's go. I'm not scared of cops. When I was running, I was running. When you're running, you're running. There's one thing I hate doing. Drinking and driving. Or partying and driving. Listen, I could smoke a joint and drive better than most people. The other shit, I cannot drink and drive. It won't let me. My body shuts down. Because I know I could talk to a cop, but if I'm drinking, I can't talk to him. Because he's got me. I'm guilty. I'm guilty.

32:33I'm not going to fucking try to tell him I have one drink. That's why I won't even have one drink when I go out. The fear of a cop pulling me over and asking me, were you drinking? Yeah. And then I got to go, yeah. And then he gets me out of the car. And then I got to do the fucking 10 steps. so before I go through all that shit, you know, and we didn't have Ubers, you know, I didn't have an Uber. Now, fucking great to get high. Yeah. You can do whatever the fuck you want now. Yeah. People don't understand what that was like, not having an Uber. Shit. You had to get high. Say if you wanted to leave a place, you had to fucking walk off.

33:04Walk or fucking run or fucking go through the weeds or some shit. You know, my thing was, I, I'm still very grateful that in all those years, nothing happened bad on the road. And, bro, I was in situations where, you know, a lot of shit could have happened drug-wise. One time in Beaumont, like when I think of nights that I could have died, it's Beaumont. Beaumont, for reals, I fucking OD'd on Valium. Really? You could OD on the Sunset there. It's a beautiful area. I couldn't talk for three days. I had to go to a hotel room. My face was dragging. and it's like I had a palsy face. Yeah. Couldn't go home, couldn't get on a plane.

33:48I blew my whole check in a hotel in Houston fucking coming down, hiding from people. Drinking Gatorades. You know, yeah. It's so many things could have happened. Yeah. All those weeks in Miami doing drugs. Houston. Oh. You know, Houston was fucking, you came to Houston to lose your mind and do comedy. That was part of it. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. That's right. If you love firing on sports, baby, PrizePix is the best daily fantasy sports app for you. What I like about PrizePix is that instead of choosing teams, you choose individual players. Each player has a set projection, and you choose more or less than that set projection.

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36:02that's code t-h-e-o at chubbies shorts.com support our show and tell them we sent you don't blend in with the crowd stand out with chubbies that's a fucking i had a friend no he wasn't a friend when i was like 24 there was an old guy that hung out at one of the bars oh yeah he would just drink and then throw punches in the air and say you're talking to me and he would throw punches yeah you know the whole fucking thing so I'm doing coke in this bar and every day he talked to himself and yeah I'll fucking kick your ass and he throw jabs huh and one day I asked the bartender what's up with this fucking guy because you don't know Johnny Reed I go now you know it was 1984 I'm a kid I don't know Johnny really goes I go is he crazy he goes you don't know what he did I don't know he goes he tried to kill himself jumped out of a building and landed in the garbage dumpster and he just bopped his head so now he's He would get a check from the government on the 1st, and he would just give it to the bartender and say, tell me when it's over.

37:03By the 18th, he'd be broke, and he'd be in there fucking arguing with the bartender. I locked him in the bathroom one day. Dog, I locked him in the bathroom at 2.30 in the afternoon. Yeah. Because in Jersey, the bathroom's locked from the outside. He was driving us crazy, talking about boxing. 1964, I took him to the body, and I'm like, Johnny, knock it off. He went into the bathroom. I can't take Johnny no more. We locked him. We left. We leave. Oh, you got him. I came back at nine. I go to the bathroom. He's still in the bathroom lock. He came in. He's like, whoo. That's the noise he made when I opened the door.

37:36He goes, whoo. This guy used to fuck. Like, we'd give him a. Then towards the end, I would go, Johnny, you ever do coke? Yeah. I'd give him a line of coke. And that would put his emburism, whatever craziness he had, he'd go even worse. And I still remember giving him a line of coke, like a two in the morning, like a bump. and then being in the car at five, going to the city to get coke and seeing him walking over the George Washington Bridge throwing fucking laughs. I'm like, oh my God, we can't give that motherfucker lines no more. And then I cracked him one day. I just showed him my dick. I put it on the stool next to him.

38:09Oh, yeah. And he was right on the stool. And he's like, and I go, Johnny. He goes, what? And I go, look at this. And he goes, wow. And he just fucking, he just watched the basketball game. He goes, wow. And he just, I'm like, fucking dying. and only Johnny could do this. I've been asking about him. What happened to him? He's got to be dead by now. He was 50, 60 when that shit in the 80s. Dude, we had a guy. We had this dude, Mr. Dennis, and everybody just called him Danny, right? This guy in our neighborhood. He was just like an adult, right? But he had this son named Rocky was his son, right?

38:41And so Rocky was like, I don't know if something was wrong with him, but something was pretty much wrong with him, right? Like he just wasn't, you couldn't really rely on him like if you told him something it didn't matter because he didn't really know like what was going on a lot of times right so you wouldn't share like a lot of information with him but Rocky had a fucking cock on him right so one time we're all outside and Mr. Denny goes Rocky show him that cock right his own son dude and we're all like what the fuck dude and Rocky fucking showed that cock bro and everybody was like damn Rocky's got that cock on him bro and And then after that, it would always like any time that Mr.

39:20Denny was around, he would be like, Rocky, show him that cock. Rocky would fucking get his cock out. Now, Rocky wasn't all there. No, he wasn't all there, bro. He was missing a couple bricks. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He was definitely. But he was like, you know, he was healthy enough. Like he could enjoy Christmas and shit, you know. It wasn't like he was like, you know, like you got to keep him in the back or whatever. He was definitely like, you know, he was a cool guy. Like you could play games with him and shit. Like, it wasn't like he was, like, he just wasn't real bright and his mouth was always wet, you know?

39:50But the dad would be like, Rocky, show him that dick. Show him that dick. Yeah, show him that cock, Rocky. Because most of those, like, mentally challenged, like, retards, they got big dicks. Yeah. And they're horny, too. They'll fuck you to death. Oh, dude. They'll re-calk your living room, dude. Them boys are fucking. I saw a fucking, I was up in Salem, Oregon one time. Eugene. And it was a Whatever special Olympian convention at the hotel. We were doing comedy. Mm-hmm not good And I was working with a feature act who had huge tits with cleavage He's on stage and one of the kids was walking by And he saw her tits and he started making Yeah, he started making noise.

40:32Yeah, they do just doing the body you think I'm fucking kidding you I was watching the whole thing go down and I'm watching this kid Why is he going crazy? He was looking at his tits. And there was two fucking big black guys, like University of Oregon football players that work in security. There was a point they couldn't contain him. He was just going, they had to fucking tackle him. He was pushing the brothers out of the way. I was like, this fucker, because they're strong, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. They're strong, too. So you got to be careful. They'll hold you down and fuck you to death with that big fucking special Olympian dick.

41:06You're going to have some problems, dog. yeah you can't let them pet an animal for too long that's for sure brother that shit will escalate um dude what was i seeing what was that thing in the news i just saw um that they found well now now i'm starting to think that more people will have uh conditions right because they're having they just found like plastics what was it you see that thing microplastics have been found in human testicles. Yeah. Bring that up, dude. I mean, Joey, this is the kind of stuff, brother. You're lucky you have two healthy daughters. You know? This is the kind of stuff, man, that's happening now.

41:47In 2024, microplastics are starting to look a lot like cigarettes did in the early 1960s, a poorly understood health hazard in dire need of better study and regulation. The latest bad news on microplastics in human health emerged last week when a study from researchers at the University of New Mexico examined 47 canine and 23 human testes, nuts or body nuts, taken from neutering operations and condivers, respectively, all those testicles had microplastics inside of them. So it's just like, what's going to, what, like, you know, what is that causing, bro? If you got, you know, what kind of effects can happen?

42:28Does it say they've already been found in our bloodstream and in other human organs such as the liver the heart and the lungs micropole i just you start to wonder what happens when that gets into your brain does that make more if a kid's got plastic in his head or whatever listen bro there's so many things going on right now you know there's so many fucking things you know look at this the pandemic opened up you know with the fucking shots and the mental health it just opened up a variety of fucking of everything. Everybody's speeding up. I got a fucking hernia. I lost weight and all of a sudden I had this bump.

43:06I got a fucking hernia. Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows what they're putting in food anymore? You know, you don't know what you're really eating. You know, fucking vegetables. Fruit tastes like shit sometimes. It tastes good. It doesn't even taste like fruit sometimes. No, no, guys. It's a different fucking world. and, you know, try to make a doctor's appointment now. Possible. It's, you know, try to get a heart, try to make a heart appointment. They'll tell you, like, if you call today, they'll go, yeah, fucking July 8th. Yeah. Because that fucking, the fucking needle fucked everybody's heart up, you know.

43:46There's a ton of shit going on. God knows. They're not telling me, they don't tell you shit, man. Has it always been like that, or do you think it's happening more than ever? Do you feel like it's always been like that in life? I think it's always been like that, but we have the internet now and 20 ,000 media outlets. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. We have so much information. Listen, this metal, this fucking heart, the disease. I think the biggest thing I'm looking at is I've never seen mental health like this. I know people. I grew up with people. And I talk to them now and they're not the same fucking person.

44:24Yeah. And I know I'm not the same person. I know the pandemic or whatever, the 30 years of comedy, you know, getting hit in the head. Who the fuck knows? But right now, man, you have, did you see like the last 10 years to rise and everybody's a politician now? Anywhere you go, people want to talk to you about politics. I never seen like men don't even want to talk about pussy no more. But what do you think? You know, it's too much information. And that pandemic fucked us up because what were you doing? listen to music or watching TV waiting for the next fucking handjob. After the pandemic, I never watched world news ever again.

45:03I'm an American. I want to watch it at 6.30. I was raised on them. I don't watch anymore because they're just scaring white people. That's all they're doing. They're giving you selective news. I don't believe anything no more. I just live my life and I fucking try my best to decipher what's getting thrown at you all day. But the mental health, I think, right now, and this is what it's got to be. It's the internet. It's the fucking, you know, everybody's a celebrity now. We're living in a world where everybody's a fucking celebrity now. You go to a fucking movie theater now, they got poster boards for you to take pictures of.

45:39Everybody's a fucking celebrity. I've never seen a world like this. I got at restaurants by my house on Thursday nights. You can't pull up. Yeah. Can't pull up. Lamborghinis, Ferraris, to go to a fucking restaurant. Everybody's a fucking celebrity. The other half were fighting for our fucking lives. And then they keep putting this shit at you. Every day, you put the news on in the afternoon or whatever. The Trump hush deal, this, that. It's constant. It's always in your face. And you get sucked in by it. I'm telling you, I've seen the people. We're getting thrown so much information at us anymore.

46:15It's so much. Somewhere along the line, you got to crack. Yeah. Yeah, it's too much, man. I just missed, like, a simpler time, too, man. God, remember how much fun it was, dude? It's just simple. Nobody had a phone. You went out. Nobody get a hold of you. We used to go, bro. I remember we'd go to Howard Johnson's, bro. Remember Howard Johnson's? Fuck yeah. Bring up a fucking Howard Johnson's. They had that short water taffy. Show them that cock, Rocky. Oh, show them that cock, Rocky. Bring up a Howard Johnson's, bro. I think there's still a Howard Johnson's by me on Route 3. I hope there is, dude.

46:50Howard Johnson's my mom um when I was like five we would go she would drop us off there to meet my grandparents or whatever and we didn't know our like and they would have oh they used to have and we'd have like a nice meal there it'd be nice bro they had the bathrooms that had the little you ever go with like you ever go to a bathroom but it has a little room before you get in the bathroom it's like you open the door and then you're just in like a little bitty room and then there's another door and that's the bathroom it's like the room's like three feet by three feet you know i'm just saying you open that shit dude we never even seen that like a little how many howard johnson's possibly left i don't know dude shoney's in bro i remember for 11 you could stay at the place right for 15 you could stay and eat right so it was that four dollar up charge you got that buffet shoney's had an inn and we would go bro and the they had they also had this like premier buffet for like two more dollars you could go they had like this kind of roped off area of the buffet and down there they had fucking salmon or whatever you know damn pick you know special pickles salmon uh honey pickles honeydew melon like i'd never shit you'd never seen fucking gay watermelon you know what i'm saying they had all the special shit down there like black pudding or whatever.

48:10They had all the shit down there. The Reeboks were on sale. They had like this special area of the buffet, but it was like roped off unless you got the premiere edition or whatever. But dude, we would go there, bro. It was so nice, dude. When you're a kid, all that shit's nice until you get old and you're like, why am I eating this shit? I'm gonna fucking die. Look at the people around me. Look what they look like. And here I am with them about to die. And that's anywhere. Any of those chains? That fucking country crock? What's that one? Oh, Cracker Barrel. Cracker Barrel. You'll die. You'll fucking die in one of those places.

48:51There's like 10 of those fucking joints that you're eating in, and you're like, you know what? What's the place that they have the chocolate fountain? They have one in Burbank. Memphis? No, I don't know where it is, dude. No, there's an all-you-can-eat buffet and Burbank. Oh, damn. It's a chain. It's a chain, and they advertise. Oh, you're talking about Shakey's Pizza? No, not that either. We used to do comedy in Shakey's Pizza in Seattle. Did you? One night, they had like a Wednesday night. My buddy got leprosy at one of those places. He fucking got leprosy. Oh, this guy would get everything, bro.

49:25He's a real susceptible fella. Golden Corral. Golden Corral. That's a fucking place right there. Oh, you'll die. Oh, there's a lot of... And I see people eating fish at those places. You just want to go over to them and go, Listen, he's a good mortician. So when they lay out your body, they can take that salmon out. Salmon, shrimp. And I don't think there's no buffets anymore. No. Right? Since the pandemic? I mean, I think, well, people are still doing them, but it's definitely more of a risque type of thing. It's kind of like the only fans of, like, the dinner community, I feel like. Like, if you see a buffet, it almost feels like it's prohibition or something.

50:01Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's a fucking speakeasy, you know? When you go to those places and you look around and you're like, I went to fucking, where did I go? I went to Kentucky, Paducah. My brother-in-law lives in Paducah. I love my in-laws. It's my niece's birthday. I love her. But I can't go to Paducah because they take me to this restaurant and they put cheddar cheese on everything. They put it on oatmeal, on cereal. I mean, whatever you order, they put a handful of that. Timmyness, cheddar cheese. It's worse than the one the government sends you. And I'm eating the one night with my wife because my wife brought it home to me the one night.

50:45She's like, we're going to go over here and eat. You could stay there and I'll just bring you a thing. And I ate it and it wasn't bad. It was like a steak. Just a couple pieces of meat. It wasn't bad. The next night I went, I'm like, yeah, that play, I'm excited. Let's go. And we went there. And I'm looking at these people. Everybody's ankles were swollen. They all had a diabetic foot. Oh, yeah. Everybody. Is that going to a Yankee game? I went to a Yankee game two years ago. I was sitting next to a lady. Her foot was purple. And what this bitch do, she put like a blue tattoo on it to throw the color off of the diabetic foot.

51:17I'm like, when does it end? Fucking Don Fattingly, dude. And she's sitting there eating beer, drinking beer. If you're eating beer, I've seen a woman over there eating beer with a spoon. You know them bitches are going downhill. It was a fucking nightmare. When I see a diabetic foot at a restaurant, I got to go. Or a fat ankle like that. When I looked around this restaurant, Paducah, everybody's ankles were swollen. I'm like, dog, I'm done. I'm on the plane tomorrow. You got to go. Yeah, you get to some. It is true. I think it's important. You got to look around and see who's in the joint. Who's in this fucking joint?

51:50Look at these people. They're going to die. Because sometimes it is. It's just cat. It's like people that are almost just like cattle that don't want to. Yeah, that can't even breathe that good or read. you'll see people like on like on uh oxygen you know sneaking in a fucking go in there yeah yeah sneaking in a uh little hit of uh pie or something while they're eating or smoking a cigarette they don't give a fuck they don't give a fuck man and it's like i get nervous in those places like i'm gonna die yeah yeah there's just a lot of bad food out there and i think it's gotten more to the place now you have to take care of yourself because the government or whatever whatever we thought the FDA, that shit's all been compromised, bro.

52:32You show up with an envelope and they'll prove anything. Those motherfuckers, dude. They don't give a fuck anymore. Bro, you could have damn menthol bread pudding, bro. Those motherfuckers will approve it, dude. You know, it's like going on Instagram. They sell every get well cure on Instagram. Like, who would buy you know, and they, it's constant. Look at your Instagram. It's like bodybuilding, recuperation, testosterone. Yeah, I'm gonna buy testosterone online from some fucking guy I don't know. It is crazy. Eyebrow loss. They have eyebrows. Like, what are you even doing? Yeah, no, man. Yeah, poor vision.

53:02Missing grandparents. You're like, who gives a fuck? Missing grandparents. For$40 a month. You're like, what even am I paying for? It's just some of this shit. Yeah, it's like everything is for sale. It doesn't matter. Everything. You sit there and you go, all these products. I like when somebody goes on Rogan and they talk about a product. And then you go on Instagram two weeks later and they're talking on Rogan about the product. and they're selling it just because Rogan was in it. It's like, guys, when does it end? Like using the clips, you mean? Yeah, like using the clips. It's just so... It's dirty.

53:39Yeah, it's just changed a lot. We've just gotten to where everything is an advertisement. Everything is for sale. I mean, if you look at it even with a lot of young men aren't having sex anymore. A lot of women are selling their bodies on OnlyFans. It's like there's nobody holding anything. It used to be you had to go at least tickle somebody to get some pussy. Go to a bar, talk to them, take them out the dead. At least lie to them. Work the angle, you know what I'm saying? There's always an angle. I don't know. I'm still recovering from my own boyfriend. Let's do some coke and talk about it. There's always fucking something.

54:16But it's just different now. We've forgotten. Listen, man, we've forgotten a lot of things. Things are getting right away from us. You know, I was really opposed to texting for years. I remember that. That's why I even called you yesterday. Really opposed to it. Now I'll do it. But I didn't like it because it takes away our connection, man. I want to hear your voice. You can tell me whatever you wanted to text. Theo, how you doing? I'm doing great. I picked up an envelope. Theo, how you doing, man? So I don't, that's why I didn't like it. Yeah. That's why I didn't like it because what they're doing is creating a society that separates us even more.

54:55You know what I can't see Theo now? So we'll just Zoom once a week. Let's Zoom. Get in a fucking plane and come see me. We're doing everything we can to separate. And I always hated that. I understood the pandemic. I got it. But we need each other. It's like, I'm going to tell you something interesting. Pandemic started. I was fucked up. I'm going to tell you something. You're not going to believe this. I started doing better going in. And once I was there a year, August 19th of 2021, I was a little better. I was still withdrawing from the Xanax. I was having some issues. But I did something that before I did the knee operation, because I went back and my knee went to shit as soon as I landed.

55:41Like three weeks later, because I was going to cryo every day in California. But once I landed here in the pandemic, there was no more fucking cryo. Oh, there's no cryo. There was nothing. So my knee went to shit. I got surgery. And one day I was going for a ride, and I saw a jiu-jitsu school, a Gracie jiu-jitsu school by my house. And I went in there, and I was scared shit. It's December. COVID's been around not even a year, you know. But people are still, like, not touching each other and shit. And they're like, no, we're doing great here. We only had to close one time. But when I left there, I had a doctor's appointment, like a week later, and then he told me I had to have knee surgery.

56:18So I didn't go back to that school. I never went back to talk to him. And then one day I get a call, and it's the guy, the brown belt at the school. His name is Sean. He's like, I just want to check in with you. I go, dog, after I saw you, I got knee surgery, so it'll be a while. This guy kept calling me and not selling. He wasn't selling. He was just being a nice kid going, if you want to come in and move a little bit, it'd just be me and you, man. Nobody will bother you. Right. We'll work on stuff. I was like, I don't know. Fucking jujitsu. I went to Jiu-Jitsu the same day that the Soprano movie premiered.

56:54It was September 21st of 2021. And I remember I walked in there. I had to cancel the first two. Like I canceled two classes. Finally, I go next Wednesday. Now it's Wednesday. And I'll never forget going in there. And we did some shit. And then he goes, just roll with me for a minute. And I remember leaving that and going, I feel a lot better. Wow. Just human touch with somebody else. I'm not gay or nothing but just that touch of him fucking submitting me and grabbing me I was like I feel and then I went to the premiere that night and I was fucking COVID conscious I'm like I'm gonna sit at the beacon with 2 ,000 fucking people to see this movie we're gonna get COVID it wasn't even that when I got out the driver dropped me on the corner of the beacon and I was in a corner with 500 people and they were all like touching me and shit and I remember walking out of that circle going, if I don't get COVID now, I'll never get it.

57:53Went to the movie theater. Didn't even go to the premiere party. Just saw the movie with my family and some friends. I didn't even go to the party. But going to that jujitsu class and the classes after that, like I was just going to take privates for like six months. I said, fuck this. I'm going into class with these guys. I need these guys. Right. I need these fucking guys. I need to talk to them and touch them and fucking be human around, be human. Yeah. Isolation is true. Isolation. It feels like it's what you want to do for yourself to make things easier and more comfortable. And that is one of the biggest traps.

58:29You know, I notice it for myself a lot of times. It's like I'll like even the other day, I had some friends that went on the boat here on Lake Austin. Right. First, I was like, I'd rather just chill, work on my comedy. You know, I'm in town. I'm in Austin specifically to work on on on get up on stage and stuff. And so, but then I was like, you know, I should go because I always choose the, let me stay and work on something. Let me stay and be by myself. I always choose that. And then I find myself, well, then you're always by yourself. You know what I'm saying? You get stuck with by yourself thoughts, by yourself bullshit.

59:02You know, when you're with somebody, you get a, they don't, and they don't fucking run off. You're like, oh, I'm all right. I'm all right to be around. I'm not a weird, I'm not a complete weirdo, you know? And so that kind of stuff is huge, man. And being in those classes, it just like, and you make friends, you start to realize people got your back, you're not fucking alone. Nothing is as helpful, I don't think, as going to those jiu-jitsu classes. I don't go into them as much as I wish I did because I kept getting hurt, bro. And I couldn't do anything. I had to work. I'm like, I'm fucking wheezing.

59:34I got my shit all wrapped up. I got a fucking bunch of lemons fucking duct taped to my rib cage and reading shit online, you know, eating Oleander or whatever on the fucking internet and apple seeds. But yeah, just that camaraderie, bro. I remember one time we'd been in there rolling for the day and I just started bawling, crying, bro. Like just shit that was stuck in my body or whatever. It just fucking like released, you know? It's crazy. People don't understand. And now it's what keeps me together. I go every Monday and Thursday and it keeps me together. You have to show up with a million-dollar envelope for me not to go.

1:00:12I made that decision six months. I've been going steady, but I got hurt. I hurt myself in December. And after that hurt, my ankle, I go, you know what? I'm doing this a different way. I'm going in there. It's a plan. Two days, I lift. I go to jiu-jitsu. I lift. I go to jiu-jitsu. I ride the bike, and I'm done for the fucking week. It's what I do. I don't give a fuck what you got going on. I'm really sorry for you. I got to go to jiu-jitsu because if you don't go on Monday, then you're behind the week. Then you're not going to go on Tuesday. Tuesday, you're going to get an audition. Then Wednesday, your kid's sick.

1:00:45You know, this is just you wake up. She's sick. My wife's got to do shit. I got to cover. And that's why I always go Monday. So you always get at least that warning. Oh, yeah. If you want to take Thursday from me, something else will happen. But that's helped me a lot because it gives you a different set of friends. And it gives you a set of friends that have, you know, they're all trying to get healthy. One guy's recovering from his shoulder. One guy's trying to lose weight. I'm just an old fuck. I go in there fucking to get. I go in there and burn 500 calories. Oh, yeah. You know. But these are the things I'm doing now to.

1:01:24I even enjoyed jujitsu when I was doing comedy full time. Because it got you away from the agents and the managers and everybody talking about the same shit all the time. Yeah, and secret gay dudes, too, out there in Hollywood, bro. Oh, Jesus Christ. I remember the first time I ever, some guy, you know, I just got into town. I didn't know what was going on. And some guy tried to kiss me outside of a park or whatever. And then I remember another time a dude, an agent or whatever, gave me a ride to some place, introduced me to, like, Cuba Gooding Jr. or whatever, and then tried to feel on my leg or whatever when he was giving me a ride home, dude.

1:02:01And I didn't know what the fuck was going on. dude i was like if i wasn't a little brave i would have been gay bro you know that's uh you know rocky got that cock on the cock that's good you should just fly rocky out here take him to la with you whenever one of those guys wants to hit on you rock show him the cock boom there you go you want that roll here i got a cock to you suck this fucking suck this stick of love over here this episode is sponsored by blue chew that's right let's talk about sex fellas okay remember the days when you were ready to go buddy oh boy look at this Now, you can increase your performance and get extra confidence in bed.

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1:05:56that's e-x-p-r-e-s-s vpn.com slash t-h-e-o expressvpn.com slash theo to get an extra three months for free yeah bro dude and rocky they grew up like downwind from like one of those pesticide factories or something you know the place that would have the spray rig you know dude remember when the spray rig would come through your neighborhood dude we would fucking get on our bikes, bruh, and rock, because in Louisiana they sprayed that bitch fucking twice a week, dude. The whole fucking, everybody's stepmother looked like a mosquito in that bitch, dude. But we would get on our bikes and just ride behind that gas, just pure gas coming out that bitch, dude.

1:06:40But Rocky and then Mr. Denny, they lived down wind from one of those fuckers. That's what probably fucked, made his dick big. People gonna all move from those places now and go, man. It made Rocky's dick big. Oh, Rocky ain't been fucking stung by a bee since 2011, bro. I'll tell you that, dude. Fucking crazy. Yeah, dude, I love it. I guess the best thing is remembering stuff from growing up. That's something that I really, that's my favorite thing, is just remembering stuff from growing up. Yeah, thinking about the past. I love it, you know. That's where most of the most entertaining stuff is for me.

1:07:21but growing up now it feels kind of weird I think for a lot of times I didn't want to grow up because I still wanted to just be a part I feel like if I grow up too much then I lose all the fun does that ever make any sense to you? you know man it's so weird how you look at your life and you go what the fuck I haven't had fun like fun fun fun since I left New Jersey when I was 20 like that old fashion fun that I liked I enjoyed, you know, just getting fucked up and laughing with your friends. Yeah. Sleeping on the floor and going down the shore and all that shit. And then it's like I've been chasing it for the last 40 years.

1:08:04What happened those summers when I was growing up? You're just chasing it. You know, it's funny. I look at, like, I was seeing something a while ago about a club. They were talking about this club and VIP and all this. and I looked at it and I'm like, all this is is people chasing Studio 54. Yeah. That's all this is. They've been chasing Studio 54 since the 80s. You know, us, guys like you and I, our childhoods were fucking really special. They were comical. Comical. When we think of our childhood, we had no other option than to become a comic because all the tools were put in front of us. the stories, the situations, other storytellers that taught us how to tell a story.

1:08:50It's fucking crazy. I think now, like, I was always going to be a comic. I just didn't know that. I just didn't know that. Everything all goes into one circle. Everything that you've lived. I remember somebody told me one time that when you do a movie, okay, like, you know, I did a bunch of movies earlier and nobody talked to me. Nobody said, hey, I saw you in that movie. he goes you got to give a movie called culture that you have to give a movie years and all of a sudden I saw what he meant because one day when the podcast and everything else started lifting us people started connecting those movies do you follow me at first you can't connect them but after you hit a little bit and people start following you and stuff your movies will connect you know like it's the weirdest thing I don't even know if I'm explaining I don't know I'm not understanding you 100%.

1:09:42Yeah, he had a concept that said, like, people do a movie. Like, you do a movie with, like, who's the hottest star today? I don't know. Kyle, probably... Gigi Hadid or something? I don't even know these fucking people. Yeah, probably Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper, all right. You do a movie with Bradley Cooper, and the movie comes out, Bradley Cooper wins an Academy Award for it. It's a great movie. You don't think that you're getting as much as you should have. You ever see somebody do a movie, and fucking they blow up. Tiffany Haddish did a movie. She's been working hard for 30 years. Did one movie.

1:10:19Blew the fuck up. I did 20 movies. Nobody ever fucking talked to me at all. They didn't talk to me until I fucking told the story about mugging a hookah and lighting her wig on fire. That changed my career. That was it. Now people, you know, people start, you do a Disney show, nobody wants to see it. You know, you do a TV, nothing. But my point is that let's say you did a movie with Bradley Cooper and you call me a year from now and go, what the fuck? All these motherfuckers blew up around me. I got one commercial or something out of it. Right. You know? But in three years, as you keep growing, your career keeps growing, more people will start going, let me watch that movie because Theo's in it now.

1:11:02I didn't know Theo was in it. Oh, shit, I got to watch that again. Because now you're somebody to them. and that's how that movie gets big and connected to all the other movies. It's the weirdest fucking thing because nobody would see my shit. You know, like I'm telling you, I mean, I remember going to see, I did The Longest Yard. That's the only movie where people would come out and shake my hand and at the end of the show they would hide from me because they thought I was going to go up there and do Adam Sandler knock-knock jokes. I'm up there talking about snorting coke and fucking getting my dicks up and putting a coke rock and people were like, they would just leave.

1:11:36and now you say one fucking joke about mugging a hooker and you're selling out fucking comedy clubs. You don't know what it's going to be but the culture of it is what I'm talking about how you might not think nobody saw you but years from now. It's like you could do 18 movies and the movie you hate the most is the one that people come up to you and go we loved you in that. You're like god damn it I did 17 other ones. I did 17 other movies and that's the one you like, the one I fucking hated and then you tell them the story I was coked up till 8 in the morning and my call time was at 9 and they're like oh no wonder you hated the fucking movie yeah I think yeah I guess it's like did you think that when podcasting started it was gonna be what it was, did you have any real foresight on it, did you get into it because you were like oh I don't know like acting is gonna be enough for me?

1:12:36Like what was kind of your motivation to get into it? I know it's kind of an old question. I just don't know the answer to it. 2009, I moved to the Valley. I moved to Studio City where we lived. The office up the corner from the office. At that time, man, I had done movies. I had done TV shows. I recurred on TV shows. I wasn't at the store anymore. And I was just opening for Joe. And I would do spots. You know, I would do my own shit. Yeah. And open for Joe. And then I was like, you know what, man? I got a call from the Funny Bone one time. And they're like, we're willing to give you like six weeks of work.

1:13:13The number they threw at me was so fucking ridiculous. It was so ridiculous. And a year before this, I had had this conversation with somebody else. That guy's name was Billy Gardell. I saw him in Burbank, and we were just chatting. and he told me that right before he got Molly and whatever that fucking show was, Mike and Molly, he was like, I'm thinking of getting out of this shit. He goes, they just offered me these deals and it's no money. They want me to work Wednesday through Sunday in those days. That was hard. 2000, no airfare, no, you know. And I'm like, you know, when that happened to me, I was like, you know what?

1:13:51It's 2009, I got nothing going on. I'm going to go to the Ford store and pee in a bottle and get a job selling cars. Yeah. I'll still audition I'll still audition and I'll still go out and work for Rogan but I'm not doing this no more it's I've been doing it for 20 years or something at that point and it's not I'm not even happy doing it anymore that's the biggest thing I'm good I can do movies I keep my insurance I can always book a movie or a TV show except lately I don't know what the fuck's going on but we don't even have any more TV shows really no but I've been getting auditions I got a two I got an audition for me to go go fuck yourself and I didn't get it wow when you got one line to curse of Steve Martin and you don't get it you're not doing well okay so so you still audition a pretty good bit huh you still audition a decent amount if they have something they'll call me and I'll put it on tape or lately they've been doing Zoom ones which I'm in fucking shock but I'm not booking anything Look at me.

1:14:58It's over. But you like it, though. It's something you like, though. No. I like booking. I don't like working. I see. My dick gets hard when I get that call. My dick gets hard when I go in the room and there's other actors in there. They look at you like, what are you doing here? And you're like, really, motherfucker? I'm going to show you what I'm doing here, bitch. Yeah. And then they call you. But then when they call you for wardrobe, you're like, come on, guys. What the fuck? We want you to come in for wardrobe and then come back for this and then park. and then we're going to do a table read on Tuesday.

1:15:28And you're like, guys. Quit jerking everybody off. That's not what I want to do. Wasting people's time and money. No. So that's my secret. I love booking. That is a good moment. If somebody calls you and says you got something. You got something. Listen, they made you an offer, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, fuck yeah. Fuck that punk in the audition. Yeah, fuck those motherfuckers. I remember going to audition one time, and the guy told us in the audition, go home. I already did the job. I already worked with this guy. He's going to give me the job anyway. And then I booked him. and I saw him at the store like a week later.

1:15:58Did you ever hear from him? I go, bitch, I booked it. He was pale. He was fucking pale. But what I was telling you was the truth was, I'm going to tell you the honest to God truth. I always had a problem with comedy. I'm not the best comedian, but I'm a good storyteller. And I always knew if I had a chance to tell my story, it would change things. If it didn't, then I'll go away into the hills quietly. You ever watch HBO boxing like 15 years ago? Yeah, yeah. With Joe Frazier or whatever? Nah. Roy Jones Jr.? Yeah. Like anything 20 years ago with boxing, you know, you look at a guy that's a boxer or a UFC fighter.

1:16:39Yeah. All right? And you're like, look at this fucking guy. Tattoos. He's talking all this shit, you know. But then they do those things, you know, 20 for 20, like those HBO would do like, let's talk to Theo at his house. you know so I know Theo he's got a hat he's from Louisiana he's got Icy Mike this that but now I get to see you with your mother yeah I get to see you with your dad I get to see you with your kids I get to see that fucking Theo has a farm I didn't know that and he gets up in the morning after training two hours and he goes to the farm and works eight hours and then he picks his kid up from school cooks for them then he goes back to fucking train then he goes back over there and puts his kids in showers then he fucking you know and you're like I thought this guy was just a fucking sack of shit.

1:17:26Yeah. That was my thing. Right. But I knew if I could tell my story digitally, like detail by detail, I could get somewhere. And I was right. Just go up there. And for two months, we were doing what people do. So what do you think about P. Diddy? That's not a podcast. Right. You're just fucking extension of the news. When you get into the nuts and bolts with people, like I told you, I had nothing going on in my career until I told the story that I mugged the hooker and lit her wig on fire. Yeah. And all of a sudden I was selling 150 tickets a show, and you're like, I've done fucking all this stuff, and nobody ever wanted to buy a ticket.

1:18:05But I tell the most awkward stories, so what do guys like me and you do? Tell more disgusting stories of your life. Yeah. And they ate them up. Get it out. Well, people can relate to stuff, dude. Especially with hookers, man, I remember doing drugs, and then I would, like, negotiate with hookers online, right? because I didn't have any money. So I'm sitting there like I'm not like price gouging or whatever they call it. But I'm like, you know, like I'm like, how about this? Just stay for maybe 40 minutes or whatever. You know, give me like, you know,$75 off the amount or whatever. And I was always so high.

1:18:36This would happen to me every time, Joey. A woman of the night or whatever escort would come over. I'd be so high. I'd be scared. I'd hand the money out of the door, open the door a little bit, fucking hand them the money and have them go home right 90 of the time because I was so scared like I don't know even know why I would do it but and I would do that two or three times in a night right so one time dude I remember one time this Russian lady uh she um I was she had to go or something right and I was and she asked me to watch her dog right at her fucking place I went over there and she asked me to watch the dog and I couldn't even understand what she was saying.

1:19:20I thought she wanted to do like butt stuff or something but then she just was trying to get me to watch this fucking dog, dude. So the whole conversation was just ridiculous, bro. Because I kept kind of touching her butt and she kept kind of pointing at this puppy. I'm just like, what am I doing, dude? I would be petrified to call a hooker. Oh, it was so scary. Petrified. And never mind on coke. Like, I wanted to. Trust me. You're not the only hot that got fucking secret fucking desires. Whenever you do coke and you're by yourself, you're dying to call a freak that's going to take the ride with you.

1:20:01I can never do it. I can never fucking do it. And if I got somebody to come over, if I jerked off before they come over, then I wouldn't even open the door. I'd keep that little bit of coke for me. Fuck it. You ain't getting none of this. I really cracked a nut. You ain't getting none of this shit for me. Yeah, I'm out of coke, dude. I'm out of coke. I crash a fucking aspirin and give it to them oh I remember yeah like I'd feel so bad once a hooker was coming over one time um I remember putting on like an like I didn't want to even seem like I did coke or whatever so I like remember put on like an apron or something to make it seem like I was like cooking around my house like just being like an organized guy you know like what the fuck what a loser do this she's probably like it's 3 30 this guy's a fucking chef oh my god i just wanted to look like i was doing something important or whatever and i didn't have like a you know that was the closest thing i had like a uniform i guess or whatever was that but i would love to sit with like a like a fucking i don't know one of those psychotherapists that's analyzing people for drugs or something and just sit there with him for three days and tell him the stupid shit that and It's not even stupid.

1:21:13It's fucking hilarious when you look at yeah When you think about it years later you like that was fun Couple weeks ago. I came down here the 420 I came down here for the weekend Mm-hmm, and I was thinking about in 86 when the Mets won the series or some of the playoff I forget what it was. I went to New York to pick up like a couple ounces of Coke. I was bringing them back to Colorado. And when I got there, the guy I went to see said to me, your Coke is ready to go. You got it. You got a house? You could stay at my house? He goes, I got to leave. I got to go away for three days to a wedding in Connecticut or something.

1:21:52But he goes, I forgot you were coming. I hooked you up. You're good to go. We went to eat after the fucking airport. and then he drove me to the house. He goes, the Coke's in there. Go in. My sister's there. My mom, they left you the whole fucking house. I get in there. The fucking hot water heater blew up. And the power went out. So you know guys like me and you. I wasn't leaving until Sunday. I called some of my friends, but they were fucking busy. And I stayed in that house from Friday to Sunday, snorting coke with a candle and with my pants rolled up because it was all water. So I'm walking around like Jethro Tull, that album from Jethro Tull with a mirror navigating myself to the water in this fucking basement with a candle snorting coke.

1:22:43The sister's like 16. She's down there snorting coke with me. I'm like, oh no, I'm going to go to jail. It's a damn underground railroad, brother. He would call me every hour like, how's it going over there? I'm here with your sister and mom. snorting fucking coke in this fucking, you know. Nobody would believe that. I stayed there till Sunday. And then I get to the airport, Kennedy Airport. It's fucking freezing out. Everybody's got jackets on. There was no tunnels then. You had to walk out and get on the plane. Everybody had jackets on. Dog, I've been doing coke for three days. When I walked out, they had a T-shirt on, and steam was coming out of me.

1:23:18And people looking at me like, what the fuck is he on? Like, you can't. that that was like a whole afternoon. Then I got on the plane, and I was so coked out. I had the aisle seat. Before the plane took off, they came to me and said, you can't keep getting up and going to the bathroom. I was going every eight minutes to the bathroom to load up. And then when the plane took off, I actually took the blanket, put it over my head, put the lunch tray down, crushed it up, and I would snort and then pop my head up. And I'm like, nobody knows I'm getting high. But the clinker of that whole fucking day.

1:23:55Like Punxsutawney Phil, dude. Dog, it was not. And this was every week. Eight more weeks of eight. You got to remember this was going on in our lives once a week. This craziness. And then I go to, because in those days the planes had like a little bar. And you could order from the bar. And I remember that, I'll never forget, there was a black linted bar. Like black. Wow, on the airplane. In the 80s and 90s, shit. You had fucking planes with bars. Jet Blue. No, People's Express was a plane that went out of business, a company that went out of business. They had a piano. Nuh-uh. That the guy would play upstairs.

1:24:29There were double-decker planes. This shit today, I don't know what the fuck's going on. No bars, no nothing. This shit today is a bunch of f***ing traffic. Yeah, you go on a plane now, you go on a plane to sit there like a commie and look straight ahead. Yeah. In the 80s and 90s, you went on a plane, you partied. You could move around and talk to people. That's what Ric Flair always says. He always says about how great it was on planes. Oh, my God. I could come up to Theo and go, Theo, buy Theo a drink, buy that lady in row three a drink. And all of a sudden, you're picking up chicks on a plane, dog.

1:24:57God! Come on. Fuck! I'm lonely. So I go to the bar. I order whatever, a Southern Comfort, an orange juice, whatever the fuck I'm drinking. And Theo, as I'm talking, it's just me and him at the bar. A fucking Coke rock falls out of my nose and lands on the lint. And me and him are looking at it like to see who's going to speak first. and I go, I look up and I'm looking at the plane and I go, that fell off the plane there. And I got back in my seat. I was never so embarrassed. Look, I was doing shit that nobody, I remember going on a date with a girl to a fucking net Philadelphia Six again. Oh, high on coke?

1:25:36No, I had a half ounce in my pocket. I was holding it for later in case you didn't want to go home with me. Yeah. You know, the first quarter I'm talking to and we're not getting nowhere. And I go, fuck this. I'm going to get it. Do you want a drink? She goes, yeah, I'll take a drink. I went to the bar to get a drink at the net game. The bartender had a bow tie on. This is like a Theo story. He had a bow tie on, very decent guy. And I'm like, let me get a double. Bah, bah. Let me get another one. Bah. And all of a sudden I go, you want to do a line? The guy's like, yeah. This is 1984. Rocky got that cock on him, baby.

1:26:07I'm at a net basketball game. I got the bartender in the back doing lines. By the end of the night, he had his fucking bow tie off. He disconnected the computer. He was just pouring them in and giving them to people. I didn't go back to that seat until three minutes left. Wow. That girl was like, what happened to you? I'm like, you're not going to believe it. I had a good time. I had a good fucking time sitting next to your fucking tight ass fucking telling me. I mean, that's the shit that happened all the fucking time. Yeah, anything could. It used to feel like anything could happen. Anything could happen.

1:26:41Like, yeah, we're going to go here. But listen, there was a time when there was a$39 flight to Miami. After midnight in Newark. After midnight. After midnight, it was like$59 all day, like just to Miami, straight shots in 84. But for midnight, it was like$29. Oh, my God. You get on that plane, and there'd be 200 people fucking whacked. You know how you go, we're out of coke. What are we going to do? Call Timmy. Call Mikey. call Louie. Nobody's around. Fuck it. Let's go to Miami. That's what people would do. They'd get on that plane with the last two lines and pray to God until they get to the airport.

1:27:23Doug, it was crazy. That's how crazy it used to be. After midnight, a fucking on the hour every hour to Miami. Why would that fucking, why would you want to go to Miami? What would make you want to go to Miami at two in the morning? Cocaine, brother. Yeah. And women or men. If you like men, I don't like them. But women. But you have a thousand of those stories. Thousands. And I have thousands of them. Thousands of, you know, fucking getting high and not getting anywhere. That's all it is. That's the truth of it is. After you look at it over a long period of time, it's like getting high and not getting anywhere.

1:28:03You know, you're talking about that shit about giving the hook of money. Listen, man. How did I quit smoking cigarettes, I forced myself. I bought an 8-Ball and I didn't take no cigarettes home because I knew once I had that 8-Ball in me, I'm not walking a 7-Eleven. So I stayed in that apartment all night, eight hours with no fucking cigarettes on an 8-Ball. The next day, I didn't need to smoke. I had already beat it in my mind. That's how I quit smoking cigarettes. I bought an 8-Ball and no cigarettes to go. Fuck. Yeah, I just miss a time when anything could happen. I've told this story before, but I went one time.

1:28:40I used to love telling people that people had died, right? One of my favorite things to do, tell people like a famous person had died, right? Like we go to lunch or whatever, I'd be like, oh, you know, so-and-so died, whatever, you know, and just we could talk about it during lunch and they leave lunch, right? And they find out at some point that they didn't die. And they're like, what the fuck? I just talked to this guy for an hour about over here, right? Let me just take a piss real quick. Oh, yeah, take a piss. man sorry no you're good man i'm 60 years old you're good man you feel all right yeah i just had a pee i was holding it i hate that burns me up um yeah dude i remember one time i had a i had a escort or whatever i hate to hook i feel like but do hookers like the term hooker they don't care they don't care as long as you pay them yeah so yeah and i always paid but um yeah this hooker got sick one time and i remember i stayed over there for like a day and a half taking care of her really yeah in west uh in beverly hills and you ever talk to anymore uh no we texted for a while and then i changed my number but i think it was fine we didn't even speak really the same language that much i think she spoke like slovakia maybe or something and um but yeah but we were i mean definitely had been doing drugs but that was that you know um I saw my mother.

1:30:06I wouldn't surprise my mom for Mother's Day. How was it? It was pretty cool. Went over to Tucson. She was doing good, man. I got over there, and I go to her house, right? And I'd never been there. I'd never been to the house that she lives in. But she's only been there for maybe about a year and a half. So I go, I'm knocking on the door, and I'm like, she's not answering. And I'm like, oh, man, don't tell me, like, they'll finally come to see her, you know? And that would be my mom. you know because that's how she is i finally come to visit and she goes and dies just to show me up you know like i could see her doing that shit but i look through the window through the blinds and through the back blind that's open and she's laying out in the back in the bikini right because my mom will like the one time she would spend by herself she would get in her bikini and get herself a can of beer and go lay on the side of the house is your mom now if you don't mind me ask she's probably 74 maybe wow you're lucky man she's getting you don't see her a lot she's growing up i see her like probably twice a year i'm trying to do a little bit more this is the first time i'd ever went and like visited my mother in years you know like she never asked she never like says like i want you to come you know she doesn't she doesn't like to assert herself into things really you know she just she likes to kind of keep her distance i think in some ways but uh anyway so i look through the thing and i see her in the back in that bikini in the chair and brought all the memories out from when i was a kid sometimes like if she'd had enough she'd fucking go lay out in the side yard and put a fucking can of beer you know and if i look our whole apartment complex was always sinking in the mud we was always fucking fighting with the landlord.

1:31:50It's like, give us 45 bucks off. We're fucking, you know, the dinner table's two inches lower than it was last week, you know? So mom's chair would be over there just slowly. We thought that bitch was going to disappear. Now who's she lived with? She lives by herself. And who's down there with her? Nobody. She likes to live. She likes to be by herself. She likes to, she's always like gone. Like even when I was young, she always was going. That's one thing I remember about her. She always had to go. That's the one thing I think I remember the most about my mom. She always had to go. She always had to go to work.

1:32:25She always had to move away. Just how she's built, you know, something inside of her. It's hard for her to stay right there. Well, that's where you get it from. I know. Me too. Listen, we were talking about that before. We didn't really touch on it. That's where I get it from. You know, I'm in the same boat as you. You sit there and you go. Nobody calls me to do anything. And when they do call, you know, I'm living a life now. Off of Bill Hicks. That's what I'm doing now. Bill Hicks had the greatest joke that couldn't be any truer. Marijuana does not make you lazy. It just makes you realize that what you're going to do just ain't worth doing.

1:33:04And that's why I'm at my point in my life now. There's days I go, you know what? For me to get into this party, I got to drive an hour and a half. By the time I get back and I got to hear shit, it's just a thousand variables. You give yourself excuses. Yeah. But then again, Tom Hardy says that once you spend time alone for a while, you like it. And some people like it. And there's nothing wrong with that, Theo. Theo, listen. At this age and at any age, from the time I was 20, my favorite thing, yeah, everybody likes to have sex. Everybody likes to eat good food. But between me and you, give me a joint and a good book and put me in the corner.

1:33:43I'm good. I'll smoke a joint every two hours, take a bite of the sandwich. I love reading. Yeah. That's the happiest I am when I'm fucking reading. If I don't have a book now in the hotel, I'll go back and start looking up recuperation for men over 60, benefits of boxing, you know, benefits of breathing. You know, I'm a fucking idiot. But I like to read. I love it. That's my thing then. It's a breathing. Yeah, I'm one of those fucking idiots. You press benefits on my page and every benefit comes up. Benefits of drinking water. Benefits of washing your ass. Benefits of doing, you know, I'm the captain benefit.

1:34:21I want to know everything that I can about something. That's the happiest I am. And you don't read a book in a team. You don't read a book with 20 people. Yeah. You know, that's what, I love it. That's a good point. We do stand up. We would not. We could have joined the fucking improv troupe and been to the War Flowers. No. We like being up there alone with a microphone with four bricks and working ourselves out of there. It takes a certain person to want to be a comic, bro. Yeah. It takes a certain person. Yeah, I think sometimes I do compare myself to just like people that aren't comics that much.

1:34:57And then you have to realize how odd it is to do that job. It's an odd thing to do. It's an odd job. If you saw an animal do it in the woods, you'd be like, that fucking animal's out of his fucking mind. We're crazy. We're crazy as stand-ups. We're not normal. We are not normal. There's something. You have to come to terms with all the things we are as comics. We can't question them. That's who we are. You could have been a doctor. We could have been a lawyer. We could have been a bum. We could have been a hooker. We chose something that, you know, I don't know why I chose it. I just love Richard Pryor.

1:35:30And I knew once I had the felonies, I wasn't going to do anything else that I really liked. This is not, you know, comedy is a profession for fucking guys like us. Me and you have a little darkness in our past. We can't figure out what it is, but it makes us tick. Yeah. I loved hearing Richard Pryor too, man. I loved hearing him say the N-word. Me too. My mom wouldn't let us say it. And we're like, well, fuck, man. We got to hear it, you know? and so I remember we would hear him say it dude just those books like by who's the crazy white guy Mark Twain? no Mark Wahlberg the comic before Richard Pryor that was a white guy Lenny Bruce have you ever read any of his books yeah one of his books next time you having a hard time with yourself go order one of his books ladies and gentlemen legendary How to Talk Dirty, any of those books.

1:36:29But he has one particular book. That one, the black one there. The Essential Lenny Bruce? That one. That book will tell you more about yourself than you know about yourself. Wow. He lived at the Chelsea Hotel. He partied with strippers and jazz musicians and did heroin every night. There was no responsibility. He got up when he got up. He didn't have to be at work till 11 o 'clock at night. Remember, they only did fucking burlesque shows. In fact, you ever go to Jackson, Tennessee? I don't think I have. Jackson's like an hour outside of Nashville. Jackson's got a comedy club. That used to be a burlesque club.

1:37:12And Lenny Bruce used to play there in the 50s and 60s. If you ever have a chance to go to this place, go out there. I forget the name. Just look it up. Google it. It's like a comedy club in Jackson. Yeah, that's it, I think. 731 Comedy Club. That could be it. That's it. Guy was great. You know, I had been at Zaney's already one time. Yeah. And I was going back to see my in-laws, so I wanted to do stand-up one night. Not a big room. There wasn't a lot of money. Fucking guy could cook. He had Italian food. He was telling the stories about all the comics that would come through there in the 50s and 60s.

1:37:49Yeah. And fucking Jackson, Tennessee. no wonder fucking my boy Johnny Cash was going to Jackson, right? Was he going to Jackson? We're going to Jackson. Go comb your hair, yeah. See if I care. We're not, you know, and that's why I went home. I went home. Listen, I could have came to Austin. I could have moved to Nashville. I had an opportunity in Telluride, Colorado. I wanted to come back to Jersey to find myself. Do you think that you've Gathered What you wanted to find? Yeah Because now I'm at peace I'm at peace with myself I'm at peace With my friends, with my family I'm just at peace Did you have any amends to make whenever you got there?

1:38:34Or no, everything was pretty chill Listen, I thought about making amends But the people that was on making amends Still weren't worth making the amends You know, that was 40 fucking years ago Knock it off and deal with it. My amends was doing something with my life, right? That was my amends. If you really cared about me or care about anybody, you look at them and go, that dude fucked me over 30 years ago. Well, guess what? He did something with his life. You have two options. The guy fucked me over, but he died in a car accident. Fuck him. He deserved what he got. He was a scumbag. Or, you know what, man?

1:39:06The guy robbed me. He was having problems as a kid. I'm happy he got his life together. Yeah. And that's what it was like. I'm not going to fucking apologize to nobody now. That was a long fucking time ago. Get over it. Yeah, I didn't know if anything wild had happened. No, no, no. I don't have anything like that either, I don't think, from my hometown. No, I just wanted to go home and recoup L.A. You know, when you've been there for a long time, it's a number on your head for a while. Like, just, you know, we thought there was a lot of rejection. Oh, yeah. A lot of rejection. Driving across town.

1:39:34A lot of parking. Parking. Walking. Getting in, checking at the station, walking there, don't even know my lines, don't even give a fuck, hate the place, hate myself. fuck them, fuck me walk in there, nervous as fuck bomb the shit, walk outside, scream the n-word in my head, go back out through the parking thing, return my badge get my ID back, get in my car and fucking go home it is you know people have no idea what we did, we got to LA, figured it out that's true, figured it out which listen, that's alone, that alone The parking meters alone. Quarter gets you six minutes, dude. Dog, I had so many tickets when I first moved to L.A.

1:40:22They took a car. I mean, my apartment got towed. Remember, I lived in my car. Ralphie May and those guys go, oh, your apartment got towed. It was that scrambling. I would do it 20 more times. Yeah. That not having money to eat lunch and having to rob the gas station for a pack of cigarettes on the way to Josh Wolf's house to get a turkey burger. You know to fucking borrow eight bucks to go to Sunset Grill and get a burger with the guy with the bum leg You know nobody knows that what it's like to showcase for Jameson and I'm telling you like Why are you here? Yeah, you know and thank God Jake, you know Mitzi passed me right off the bat.

1:41:03Thank God, but then it was seven years of I can't get major and and you can't do this, and you can't do that. Oh, yeah. And most people would have quit, Theo. We did something that a lot of people just can't handle. They move back, and they go, you know what? It wasn't for me. And listen, I understand that. I fucking definitely understand that. But for me, I think it was time to move on to the next chapter. I'm trying to find what that chapter is now. You wrote a book. Wrote a book. That was cool, man. I feel bad that I hadn't even read it, But I did just order it today. I didn't even know that you had written it.

1:41:40I don't think. Actually, you know what? I think when I did your podcast last time over Zoom, I think you remember telling me. Yeah. That you had done it. But that's awesome. Tremendous. I was trying to write that book for fucking 20 years. I know. A lot of comics always have that book milling around in them. And then I kept writing and making notes. And then I kept trying to hook up with a writer. Tremendous. And then I hooked up with Jimmy Florentine's niece. Really? Yeah. Yeah, his young niece, and she fucking helped me. And listen, man, we sold some copies. We made it to number nine on the audio book in New York Times, which for a dirty comic and a criminal, that's not too fucking bad.

1:42:18Rocky got that cock on him, baby. Rocky got that cock on him, motherfucker. Go, dude. Before, you were saying something really funny. And I interrupted you. I had to go to the bathroom. But you were telling me that you used to call people and tell them celebrities died. Oh, yeah, yeah, dude. And so we'd go, like, on Boy Scouts or whatever. My buddy was in the Boy Scouts. And so I remember one time we went on a camping trip with them. And right when we started out, I told everybody Jay Leno had died, right? I've told this story before, but I love it. And I was like, you know, Jay Leno died. And so all the dads were like, oh, gosh, that's so sorry to hear that.

1:42:53And so then throughout the rest of the weekend, I'd be in my tent, right? And I'd hear the dads out there talking what I'm telling the other one. You know, Jay Leno passed away. And I would be in my tent, bro, fucking howling, bro. laughing at a level where it was like coming out of my fucking spine and i don't know why stuff like that made me laugh so much i don't know if it was that i had control like a hidden control or that i was affecting things without them knowing it just there was nothing as good as that bro it was that kind of shit dude when you fuck with people like you know controlled fucking with people like me telling Eddie Bravo Rogan was in the CIA, all that shit.

1:43:36It's always great, but the best thing I ever think I did, and I did it on accident. Remember Chuck Liddell? Yeah. When Chuck Liddell was the fucking king of the UFC, he was the king of the UFC, okay? So I got a call from Eddie Bravo. No. I find out that Fidel Castro died. I got a call from a friend of mine. He goes, you know Fidel died. I go, thank God that motherfucker died. And all of a sudden I call Eddie. I go, Eddie, where you at? And he goes, I'm sitting here with Dana White or something. And I go, you know Fidel died. But the phone didn't say it right. It said Liddell. So he goes, let me call you back.

1:44:18And he hung off the phone. He told Dana White that Joey Deans just called him, told him Chuck Liddell died. I said Fidel, not Liddell, right? Now this is Dana White's fucking man at the time. Dana White's got no hair. He lost the hair he was going to give his children. Fucking, how could this be? Eddie Bravo calls Dana and says, Liddell died. Not Liddell, Fidel, you fuck. That's fucking great. I love that kind of shit. Did your parents come over from Cuba? Mm-hmm. Both of them? Mm-hmm. Wow. I'm 100%. There ain't no fault. We went there when I was a student. Yeah, you told me. Yeah, I remember.

1:45:03Yeah. We went there. And Fidel came and spoke to our class, I remember. But we didn't speak enough Spanish to know a ton of them. They had a translator. Where did you go to college? LSU? Yeah, over at LSU and University of Arizona. But it was a thing called Semester of City. It was like a floating college. But we stopped there on the cruise ship. Wow. I was working in a bookstore. So we pull up in a Cuba, dude. And all the people are there. having you know we're like throwing all our tennis shoes everything we own that they could have we're throwing it off the boat bro and like you would be walking through town and people would like have you come up to their windows and they would tell you like just about like the control they were under and shit and it was like top secret kind of well we got to go to a baseball game dude a cup some group was partying this alley somewhere i went over there i'm dancing party and they cut up in a birthday cake probably thought it was like a fucking a party for like a old man next thing I know I turn around.

1:45:56This old dude is going down on one of the chicks. It's some guys and some hookers. I'm like, what the fuck? Don't fuck around. I thought it was like somebody's grandpa's birthday, bro. I'm over there singing the Pledge of Allegiance. I'm looking over, dude. This guy's fucking trying to get back in the birth canal over here. Dog, Cuba's a dirty fucking country, bro. It was awesome, dude. They got tons of hookers down there. Oh, it was apparently so. Tons of hookers down there. God, I got to go back. And those girls come up here and they destroy it. They're all over Jersey, those Cuban hookers. Really?

1:46:32Wow, I got to get out more? There's a strip club in Jersey that my friend, I grew up with this guy, he owns. And they keep closing them down because they're just nasty. They're fucking 60 deep in there. I went in there like three times and I'm like, this is buck wild. There was a biker chick that would slam her heels together. and every time my heels would come, I got to get out of here. Oh, every year. But they had a bunch of Cuban girls in there. And I would go in there once a week just to talk to the one Cuban girl. And she would tell me about Cuba, what's going on. And she would tell me right now, why don't you just sit there?

1:47:07Why don't you go get your dick sucked? That's their mentality. They're like, what? There's a thousand girls that'll suck your dick. What are you there talking, watching the game for? I'm like, I'm married. Who cares? Go have a good time. Your wife ain't going to mind them. I mean, they're fucking open-minded as shit. I'm like, nah. That's what I might get a real Spanish wife or something. Be nice, huh? Yeah. That would balance you out a little bit. Yes. They'll smack you around, take your money. Fuck. This is my wife. How'd you know you were in love when you met your wife, dude? Did you know it?

1:47:41No. Did it grow on you? You think it's hard for guys like us to be in love kind of? Yes, because our first love is commodity. that's when you're in LA not when you're in your hometown once you get to LA and you're caught up that's your love when you really really think about it at the end of the day that's your love I was with my wife maybe three years before you know it was like but thank God she had patience thank God I had patience and it wasn't till my wife and I got together we're gonna be together 24 years next month and it wasn't till I got the longest yard that I it was 2004 we were struggling every week was a struggle with her and I were living together the relationship was good but we were always struggling we had no money we had six cats oh yeah and I got the longest yard and I went to shoot it and when I came back home I had a shoot, you know, for 11 weeks.

1:48:46My call time was at 4.45 every morning. Oh, my God. In Orange County. 4.45. So I don't know how many times I got up at 3 in the morning and my fucking costume would be out. She'd be cooking eggs at 3 in the morning for me. And I'd go, what did I do to deserve this? You know? And that's when I realized I really love her. You know, I wasn't going to get married again. Once you get married and you lose, I'm a Catholic. You do it one time, you move on. I wasn't looking to get married. I wasn't looking to waste anybody's time. I'm not a big time waster. If it's not working, let's move the fuck on. But with her, it was different.

1:49:29And now it's tremendous. I mean, it's now after 24, I look at her and I'm like, If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here. Wow. Did moving to Jersey help you guys' relationship, you think? One thing about me and my wife, I got to be honest with you, we got into a fight in December in Nashville. Yeah, good. Beside that, me and my wife never really, we got into, like, it was a long-awaited battle, her family, me, the whole thing. I just went home. I was in Nashville for Christmas. I just went home Christmas Day. And she got mad at me for, like, two weeks. We had a little problem at the house for two weeks.

1:50:07But ever since then, it's been, and before then it was smooth. And we're fucking a great team. And now we got this little girl and we bought this house. We paid it off. We did so many fucking things in three years. She's an accountant. I got pensions. I got a pension for the pension, another pension. Hopefully she's laundering money for you too. Yeah, she's laundering too. You know, I mean, she's, it's great for me. And I never thought I would say something like this. Yeah, that's what I find interesting. I would never in my life tell you. For me, it was the best thing that happened at that time.

1:50:45Was there a fear to do it? Like, was there a fear to be like, okay, this is. Fuck yeah, T.O., look at our lives. We go on the road. We bump into a girl. You do things with them for three days. Then you come back a year later, and there they are. And then one time you come back, and they obviously have a boyfriend. Yeah. And they bring them to the show, and that's when their relationship ends. and I was in Boulder before I went to LA. And I had, honest to God, no lie, I probably had six girls on a rotation that would just come over to snort coke and have sex. Yeah, that's a beautiful, I mean, yeah.

1:51:18It's a beautiful thing, but it's like, you get used to it. Right, and yeah, and then it runs its course, and then time changes. And you come back, and you're still living five years ago, and now they got chilled, they got a fan, so everything changes. So, like, I was never gonna get remarried. I got the movie. It took me two more years of struggling with coke. I mean, a horrid two years. Heroin. And then, and that was what was killing me, that I was hurting her. And one day I go, you know what? I got to stop this shit because, listen, I'm old school. I found my mother dead, and I'm here. I could find somebody dead, but I never wanted her to find me dead because she couldn't handle it.

1:52:01that would live with her for the rest of her life. So that's what made me get clean off coke. I didn't want her. There were two reasons I got off coke. One, I didn't want her to find me. And number two, if something happened to me, I didn't want people telling Rogan he was wrong. That meant a lot to me, that he had my back. So now he's got my back 100 % because, so I got clean, and then two years later, I proposed to her on the phone. I just go, it's time. It's time. No more shit. I was going for a ride, and I go, you know what? I got to marry this girl. And then two years later, she got pregnant.

1:52:39So it was all like... That's interesting, man, saying, like, I don't want to hurt you, so I'm going to stop hurting me, you know? Yeah. I don't want to hurt this person. She could never handle waking up and finding me on the floor. Yeah. She doesn't have it. It's not in her DNA. She's very sweet. We're animals. we could find anybody dead and the next day fucking go eat a pizza yeah but she's from a different cloth so hey rocky got that cock on him what's that rocky got that medium pepperoni on him sometimes i'll be sitting with somebody i'm like if this person died what would i do with right now i literally would think that kind of shit it's fucking crazy man yeah it's just and i'm just sitting in the backseat of an uber and you're like what the fuck would i do with this guy You know, um, what do you have to ever, ever have tough moments?

1:53:30Like when you think back on your own mom and like, and this, that whole situation, like do you ever like on mother's day, do you do anything special? Do you just say like a special prayer? Like it's like these idiots celebrate 420 one day a year. I do 420 every day. There's not a day I don't think about my mom. In fact, uh, I didn't even bring flowers to a cemetery this time. I went to a cemetery when I moved back to Jersey. It looked like a fucking rat's nest. I went, I complained, I brought some tools up there, I did some cleaning, and it's like scared me now. And it's like now I don't even want to be buried.

1:54:07I don't want the people to have to come visit me and clean up my grave. Burn the shit out of me. I don't give a fuck. Well done. The last bullet. Well done. I'm not fucking, don't come visit me. She lives in your heart, Dio. They live in your heart and in your mind and funny fucking stories and, you know. Yeah, do you remember like a funny story that you like a do you have like a real fun memory that you remember with your mom? Oh, I got 30 ,000 of those things were just I still remember a night where I was probably like in the eighth grade Maybe in the seventh grade the second time because I got left back in the second Real G's do it twice son My mother used to fucking own a bar and every night at 3 she come home 315 and And some nights she woke me up with food.

1:54:55Some nights she just woke me up to talk to me to see how my day went. This one particular night she woke up and she's like, get dressed. There's a girl downstairs that wants to meet you. That was my mother. She's like, go downstairs. And I went down like with warm-ups or something. And there was like three of my uncles and there was other women and fucking my stepdad and this girl was dancing with me. And I'm like, hold on. I got to go up and put on my suit. at four in the morning. I went upstairs and put on a suit. And they're all like, go, Joey. And I'm dancing. Coquito. They would call me Coquito.

1:55:28And I'm dancing with this girl. I'm rubbing her tits and shit. Finally, somebody gives me like a shot of whiskey. And I'm like in the seventh grade. And all of a sudden, they're like, take her upstairs. And I'm like, and my mom was there. I didn't even make eye contact with my mom. I just held her hand. She took me upstairs to the attic. Not even to my bedroom. We had an attic where she was going to spend the night. And Theo, do you know till this day, I cannot tell you if I fucked her, ate her, kissed her. I think I just passed out from the fucking anxiety. Oh, yeah. And that's the type of mom I had.

1:56:02Like, she brought a girl home for me. She took me to fight somebody once. She would pick fights for me. She was my Dana White. When I went to Catholic school and I come home, she's like, you got to go home and change. You got to fight at 3.30 in front of my boss. Some guy cursed at me. And I told him, come back here Friday at 3.30. You're going to fight my son. and not to go up there and fight two fucking kids. You know, it never ended, man, with this lady. But those years, this is what I'm trying to do with my daughter now because I remembered how my mom got to me. And it was just real. Like I finally had to tell my daughter a couple months ago that I smoked pot.

1:56:3811 years old. And she's looked at me like, Dad, come on. I know. Smoke coming out of your mouth and you come out of the bathroom. What do you think, I'm stupid? You're like, everybody knows that. She's like, we have smoke coming out of our house, and we don't have a chimney, Dad. Yeah, I fucking go in the garage with her sometimes. She's like, Dad, it smells in here. She'll go, and I go, company keeps breaking in my house and smoking dope, and she's like, Dad. So I'm really being honest with her, little steps at a time. I got to break it to her. She's got a sister soon. Eventually, someday, I got to tell her the story.

1:57:13I don't want to tell her now because I don't want her to think, Like, well, what if me and mommy break up? You'll never see us again. So I got to be careful. I thought when I put the book out, I would have to sit her down. But it's been two years. She didn't write. No, she's not going to read it until I tell her to read it. Yeah. So things like that, you know. But I miss my mom. I miss my childhood. If it wasn't for my childhood, I would have never became the person I would have became. Yeah. Plain and simple. Whether it's a criminal thing. everything I did in my childhood came to help me out later on you know like in some way or another so I have no fucking regrets at all you know yeah dang man thanks dude thanks for just sitting down it's just so good to just hear your voice even I remember how much like when you would go on your lives dude remember when when mad flavor was going fucking live dude the world lit up you You remember that, Nick?

1:58:13The world, people were like, Joe Coco's going live. Dude, I would get texts from my friends back at home. They'd be like, Coco's going live. And I thought it was like a black stripper was going to do something. You know, I didn't know what was that. Oh, the periscopes? Yeah, when you would do periscopes. I love them. I love them. And cats, you'd be on your balcony. Yeah, you can't smoke on Instagram. They'll fucking shut you down. So I can't do that stuff no more. It's been fucking, I love smoking on Instagram and stuff like that. But you can't. I haven't made a video on Instagram in three weeks.

1:58:42That's ridiculous, though. You can link. Yeah. There you go. Fucking 7 in the morning. 7 in the morning. I would get up just to take a shower to go out there, smoke, and talk to these fucking animals. Oh, dude. There was nothing like it, bro. People, dude, I remember a deaf kid even fucking called me and talked to me and told me he was excited about that shit. Two people fucking came out of their own diseases and malfunctions. Do you understand we were getting up at 7 in the morning to do that shit? At 8 o 'clock, I was already three sheets to the fucking wind. There was a weed store that opened up at 9 that gave out bagels in Studio City.

1:59:26He was a Jewish guy. I would be there at 9 in the morning with him eating bagels, eating fucking banana bread. You know, it had to give in eventually. Now, listen, I got some edibles. I didn't take them last night, and that's why I was uptight last night on stage. I got to drop them tonight. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I'm going to drop like 800, 1 ,000 milligrams tonight and go down there and torture Joe, get some fucking barbecue. Yeah, it'd be good. I'll be down there, man. Any chance of you moving to Austin? Is that just a myth? You know, Joe throws it around, you know? Well, I'll tell you what.

1:59:58For my situation now, it makes sense. I miss you guys. I really do miss this. Yeah, I miss it too. I'm realizing that. I don't want a week down here. I don't want to be down here for a week. That's too much. Three, four days, eight, nine sets, get back on the plane and go home. If I buy, I'll buy a condo or something in the building. Like I told you, something that everything is there, like my niece in Nashville. Everything. She's got everything for$2 ,200 a month. Everything. Weights, music, they cook in the building. If I could find one of those down here, maybe get Troy Conrad in with me, maybe Lee, just somebody.

2:00:37If I'm not in town, they're in town watching a joint. They're not watching it, somebody else could come in. I don't care. That's what I'm thinking. I can't buy a house down here. I don't want to do that because I don't want to resettle. I don't want to remove my daughter. She's settled there now. For me to remove her again, fuck that. Yeah. Yeah, I might. Maybe I might. I do like going and doing the sets, man. I did 24 sets last week. Here. Yeah, just at the Mothership? At the different clubs, 22 sets. Where did you go? I went to. Red Band's? Mothership. I went to Red Band's Sunset. I went to Creek in the Cave.

2:01:15I went to Black Rabbit. And I think that's it. But amongst those clubs, I did like. I mean, I probably did 12 sets at Mothership. Wow. Yeah, I did three last night. I left. I went to get tacos, and I'm like, dog, I'm tired. Yeah. I went to get tacos after the second main room show, and I wanted to do the bottom of the barrel again to get some other jokes, but I was like, dog, I got to go home. Yeah, I went home, dude. Ended up jerking off. Didn't want to, but. I went home, smoked some pot, watched some TV. I slept good. Got up too early this morning. Oh, I hate that shit. Ate breakfast, went for a nice walk.

2:01:56Smoked a joint, went right back upstairs, watched the rest of some Clint Eastwood movie, and I fucking slept from 10 to 2. Oh, that's beautiful. I got up. I washed my pussy. I hit you back. Yeah. I took a long shower. I shaved one of those Puerto Rican Bic razors. I got skin missing. I shaved my fucking ear. I cut my ear. You know, when you get out of the shower, you feel all these little things. I could see myself as I was shaving in the shower, putting all those little cotton balls all over your face like that you had all this fucking prison freckles. Oh. But it's good to see you, brother. I'm happy you had me on here.

2:02:34I'm very proud of you and what you've done. You're a fucking animal. I love that you have a smile on your face all the time. And I will take you up on June 1st. We're going to... So you're at Beacon that Friday night. Yeah, I'm at Beacon that Friday night. Just one show. Just one show. Or two shows. Just one. Just one. And then you're free. Yeah. You're staying in the city. I could stay anywhere. Saturday will do the Saturday. Let's go to lunch Saturday and then go to the fights if you want. Perfect. Even if you don't go to the fights, it'd be great. Perfect. No, no, no. Saturday will go because you'll have more time.

2:03:10Yeah. So you come over. I'll cruise over early Saturday. Take the ferry. Yeah. Take the ferry right to there. No way. It drops you off right down the block. Yeah. It drops you off right down the block. That sounds good. That's J.J. Braddock Park. Finish the story about JJ Braddock. About what? Just you but you met him. Yeah, like when he was old though guys, you know, he was fucking old. Was he still talking about fighting and stuff? Like was he still like? He was just I remember his son. He had a son that was a cop. I think he's still in the town. I think they still own the house. The family still owns the house.

2:03:44But I never saw him box or you know, he never coached me in boxing. I wish he would have. But you got to see him though. Yeah, I got to see him. And did people think he was like a hero? Yeah, at that time I didn't know his full history. I just knew he was a fucking boxer. And there was somebody in our neighborhood that told us about him. And then they said, if you ever go up there, he'll give you money to shovel snow. And I remember one time we went up there as kids, and he was outside giving danishes and$10 if you shovel. And that was it. I never really saw him after that or spoke to him. But you hear the legend, you know, and then it is what it is.

2:04:24But my buddy, well, we don't talk no more, but my buddy's in charge of that park. Wow. Okay, he's a committee. He's like a... Groundskeeper? No, no, no, no. He's a big time dude. He's in charge of that park. He's a politician. And they keep it nice? And they keep it nice. And he's the one that put the... Statue? Because he's from my age. Wow. So he put that up there. And the whole family showed up when they put the statue up. It was pretty nice. I saw the pictures. It was pretty impressive, man. That's cool, man. Yeah, I think I saw Natalie Portman at my hotel yesterday. Really? Yeah. I don't know.

2:05:01Dog, every time I'm in Austin, I see somebody. One day I was in, not this time, 4.20, I fucking walked out of my elevator. I walked right into Magic Johnson. Nuh-uh. And he goes, he looked at me like we knew each other. I never met Magic. And he's like, hey, man, what are you doing here? I'm like, the question is, what are you doing here? I go, I was in L.A. for 23 years. You never fucking showed up one time. Now I'm in Austin. I gave him a big hug. He's like, hey, you want to come do Rogan with me? He's like, ah. That would have been crazy. And I told Joe. And Joe's like, ah, you should have brought him.

2:05:31I bumped into him, started talking to him like he knew me for 10 years. I don't know fucking Magic Johnson. Fucking never met him in my life. I'm like, hey. Hey, we used to do coke in Miami. They don't fucking know. Nobody knows. Coco Diaz, man, I love you, dude. I love you to all my heart, brother. This is the best part of this trip. Good to see you. When you hit me last week and said, what time tomorrow? I was pissed. Oh, yeah, because I had the wrong week. You had the wrong Wednesday. I'm like, what? Fuck no. You better be doing it next week. I love you, brother. Thank you very much for having me.

2:06:02I love you, too, man. I'm going to order the book. I'm going to read it, man. Thank you, man. And yeah, I just appreciate the fact that I get to know you. It's been one of the gifts of this job. Bro, you're my favorite guy in LA. Lee, how fucking happy was he to seize? When I told that motherfucker you were down here, he lit up. Oh, yeah. He lit up. He was like a fucking, just like a warm McFish when I got a hold of him. Did you do an edible with him or anything? Nah, I just fucking smelled his breath for a couple minutes, dude. He has no more flies on his neck. He looks great. Yeah, he looks great.

2:06:35He looks lean. He was excited about things. A lot more energetic than I'd heard of me in the past. More vocal, confident. He needed all that. Yeah. We all needed that break to realize what just, you just need a break sometimes to realize what just fucking happened. Yeah. and now we're ready for the next one. I love you, brother. Let's go get it. Love you, too.

2:07:19Love you, too.