E515 Nick Swardson

32:44So like when you come to a show, awesome. Yeah. Love you. Oh, yeah. Let's not be bonkers. So these are two road stories where this guy, hotel bar at the Marriott. Awesome. This guy shows up and he goes, hey, man, are you Nick Swartzen? I go, yeah. And he goes, can I have a drink with you? And I'm like, yeah, totally. Like I'm down. Like if anybody wants a photo cocktail, I'm down. This guy saddles up and he, swear to God, I can't make this up. he goes let me just say something and i go yeah what and he goes i'm gonna say the word a lot a lot he just told you straight up yeah and i go what and he goes i'm not racist but i'm just just so you know i'm gonna say that a lot and i go well fucking no you can't hang out with me like what what did you think my response would be like get the fuck out of here yeah like what would i be You're like, ah, finally, somebody has the courage.

33:47Like, no, get the fuck out of here, fucking weirdo. Yeah. Oh, some of that stuff. Yeah. What road stories do you have? Dude, I have so many. I'm like, oh, my God. Really? Oh, my God. Like, crazy people. Yeah. They just like, drunk chicks are the number one most bonkers outside of racist guy. But it's like, there was one where I did a casino in Connecticut. And these girls came up and they were like, hey, it's our shop. And I go, oh, cool. And they go, yeah, funny. And I go, thank you. I go, do you want a picture? And they were like, no. And I'm like, okay, well, pleasure to meet you. Thank you for coming to the show.

34:29And they're like, yeah. And I turned around and was playing video poker. And they were like mad for some reason. And they were like, yeah, you know what? You're not that funny. Fuck you. And I was like, okay. That escalated. I'm like, yeah, I just, you don't want a photo? And they're like, no, go fuck yourself. And they walked away. I'm like, okay. It's Christ. So then boyfriend comes up. This guy goes, hey, man, were you a dick to my girl? Oh, that's the worst. And I was like, bro. I'm like, dude, I wasn't. I was like offered a photo, everything. Like I was super nice. and he's like okay and i'm like do you want a shot like and he's like okay so he saddles up so we do a shot watching sports center talking sports and the guy goes hey man you know what you're actually really cool and i'm like yeah i'm like a fucking real guy like i'm just a dude yeah and he's like yeah you know what my girlfriend's a fucking cunt he's like this This fucking bitch can't handle her liquor.

35:34And I was like, dude, I didn't say that. And he's like, yeah, fuck that. Sorry about this. You're cool. Like, walked away. Dude, we had, I remember one time in that crowd, I said, all the ladies, close your eyes, all right? And then I was like, guys, if you could take your wife on a vacation and eliminate her while y 'all were traveling, raise your hand, right? And none of the ladies were allowed to look. That's amazing. And it was probably maybe about 1 ,800 people in the crowd. about 11 guys raised their hand that's hilarious and one dude even did it like this a little bit like i think because he didn't trust his wife wouldn't see so he kind of just did that but it was like holy shit dude a lot of women could go missing women could go missing so easy i think that's one of the reasons it takes them so long to get ready probably because it might be last looks you know yeah we don't know yeah that could be like in your coffin.

36:33That's what you're doing. You got your eyeliner. Put it on. Yeah, just saddle up. Put it on. Get your pageant face on. Judy, Janet. Maybe Janet, maybe Karine. Maybe Katonkas. What's a good... Oh, bro, one night I remember there was a gal. I went over to her place. What an old-timey term, by the way. A gal? A gal. Yeah. What are you from fucking... You valet your time machine? It was a fucking weirdo. I was in Philadelphia, and there was a gal. Bro, and Kobe Bryant had died, and she made me sleep in this bed with her, and a great Dane, bro, named Kobe, that wore a Lower Marion jersey. What high school did he go to?

37:16Yeah, Lower Marion PA. Yeah. Yeah, was that Chicago? Or no? I was in Philly. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. That's where he went? I didn't even realize that. I didn't know that's where that was, but I was in Philadelphia. it was after a show stayed over at this girl's house me this great dane and her all fucking shared a bed together and the great dane slept in the middle of us dude so i've never done any like g-a-y-s-t-u-f-f but that is it's definitely when you're holding a fucking great dane it's like uh right it's not racial but it's like um it's intriguing it's intriguing a little bit but it also feels like you're kind of like uh in a part of the zoo you shouldn't be in does that make any sense i mean kind of but also it's like look at the great dean right here i mean look at this you can't oh my god go back what who is this people what how big was the great dean how first of all all your furniture's broken the second penis do you have a penis does he have a penis yeah dude if he rolled over his penis just fell out of the bed and broke the back of a fucking full-grown oh my god it'll smash a futon oh it'll break the back of a full-grown cat that's laying on the down there dude it's a fucking dick was a calf he had calf dick bro his penis had shoelaces on him like that thing is shit laces yeah bro his penis his penis had a little tag on it it said us 10.5 uk 11 i was like oh my god you can get his penis at Costco.

38:49Fucking Wody got that fucking ramp on him, homie. You know what I'm saying? Oh my god. He's got a parking lot dick. Are you still drinking these days? Because before you weren't going to take a break from drinking, are you able to manage it? Because you had had, you know, you had almost died, didn't you? You went to the hospital or whatever. Yeah, almost died. Yeah. Yeah, no, I manage it. Yeah, it's fine. Are there drinks you cannot have? I just like, I don't, like, I cut out sugar. So I just like drink like if I do drink it's like Tito's water like it's pretty basic but like I quit smoking cigarettes.

39:25You did. I never really did drugs so like but like I drink casually. Yeah. But like I don't go like bonkers like back in the day like Key West was a year and a half of like fucking game on. Like it was. And what were you doing because you were just hanging out of a hotel bar somewhere because remember I was Dustin Poirier sent me a picture. Yeah we talked about it. He saw you down there one time. Yeah, but I would drink. Because it was like during COVID. So I was just like over everything. I was just like, fuck the world. Oh, you're just down there counting Cubans swimming over having a couple of fucking mojitos.

39:59Oh, dude, I was just sucking off fucking margaritas. And that's the guy's name. Margarita. Yeah. Game on, Wayne. No, and I was just like, I didn't really give a fuck. So I just drank like from 8 a.m. to 2 in the morning, 3 in the morning every day. It was amazing. But yeah, now I like I got my shit together and it's awesome. So you didn't go to rehab then? I did not know. Yeah. I mean, I've been there before, but that was like years and years ago. Yeah. I mean, hours ago. Yeah. I mean, we're in rehab. This is. This is. Yeah, we praise him. Well, now they have virtual rehab that people are going to.

40:38Have you heard of this thing? No. It's like through VR or whatever. Can you bring that up? virtual reality rehab. You put on like a, what is it, Oculus or something? Yeah, you put on something like that. But you'll have somebody at the bar and they'll go sit in the corner for like 40 minutes with fucking rehab on. Erect? And then they, oh, I didn't, I wasn't that close to the guy I saw on it. I think you were. But. You fucking swamp possum. And the guy's like, I've been at rehab, I just got back. And I'm like, you just fucking sat over there with your Oculus on for 30 minutes. Yeah. I mean, that'd be amazing.

41:09If I saw somebody. He's like, yeah, it's outpatient. I was like, all right, dude, whatever. Fucking call down. How out are you? Fucking bonk. Way outpatient, dude. God. The virtual reality system allows participants to immerse themselves in a variety of settings and situations to practice recovery techniques, such as fighting off temptations, as well as to receive therapeutic support. Can you even imagine? I mean, I'm not laughing at it. God bless. But I mean. I'm laughing at it. I mean, we can laugh at it. Imagine. But also like people – sorry. No. What are some of these scenarios going to be?

41:44You put on the virtual reality. Suddenly some guy comes in, right, with like a meth queen on his arm, right? Right. And you're just supposed to be sitting there just reading a book or something and you're like pick out who might have the eight ball or whatever. Like what is the fucking – But also like you could be in any scenario. So it's like if you have an Oculus, you could be anywhere. Yeah. You know what I mean? You could be at the beach, yeah. Yeah. And a little crab tries to bring you up. Yeah, you could be a Margaritaville or something. A Soma or something, yeah. Yeah, they'll like sit there.

42:16Somebody shows up with like a fucking fentanyl snowman. And you're like, oh. Bells will be ringing. Chelsea's on it. Yeah, you're fucking DOA, dog. Dude, that's the saddest when there's fentanyl in the snow, dude. I think I heard about like that. Some of those, um, somebody put fentanyl in one of those, uh, cloud seeding machines or whatever. Oh my God. That's a scary thing now, man. It's like, yeah, it's like not a joke. Like I'm not making fun of fentanyl. It's like fucking horrible. Yeah. But like it can appear like in a cactus. Oh, you have no idea. There's even, sorry, sound. Dude, We had a, I remember kids would like, not kids, but women kids, female kids.

43:08Right. Would do like vagiping or whatever. When I was a kid, they'd put LSD into their vagina. What? And they would have chicks like just. On Bourbon Street? Yeah, and they'd be like, no, this was more like in people's, in like a safety of a home or whatever. You'd be like, oh, yeah, Teresa's vagiping, homie. And you'd be like, oh, fuck, bro. I hope she's all right, you know? What? That doesn't sound like a safety home. In the safety of a home? I'll just say, yeah. You just put a bunch of drugs in your pussy hole in a fucking gutter? Bro. This is a safe place. Anyway, drugs in your genitals. Absorb it.

43:47Hey. And then, Josh is on it. Me, Brian Callen. Bro, dude, that's fucking Lord's lockbox, dude. That's the original. Dude, you know that little, that safe that's in the hotel room sometimes? The vagina was, a lot of times people just hide stuff in their wife's vagina. That's the original escape room. Yeah, it is, dude. Yeah, you're just trying to find a way out, find your life. And that's an Amy Schumer joke. What else is going on? Dude, do you see all this stuff that's happening with Sketch? Did you see this? People were, you know, the What's Up Brother? No, I don't know what that is. Sketch is a streamer.

44:25He's known for his Madden streams, for just being like a one-of-a-kind guy. Oh, I think I saw him. Yeah, he was on your show. Yeah, and it was excellent. I've spent time with him over the past few months. We talk every couple of weeks. Just like, I mean, a gift. Sketch is a gift to the world. And so I guess allegedly he did. He did some OnlyFans stuff a few years back, and some of it may have been homoerotic, you know or gay or men you know extra men more than one man type of thing or whatever or just gay and you know i'm talking about and um so this all these pictures started coming up things that people found in only fans um and then i think everybody was just curious is this really him you you you have no idea now with a.i or whatever you have no idea what anything is right Right, it could be.

45:29And people. What did he say? Was it like genital warfare? I don't know, but people were writing some of the strangest things. Nick, what was that one tweet that I put in there? Well, I mean, like, I don't understand. Like, is he, like, canceled or something? Well, it just, this shows the uncannyness of whenever people rip somebody on the internet. Yeah, it's like, what a broken record. It's like, good God. And I love Sketch. I support him 100%, no matter what it is. Somebody tweeted this. how could you at the sketch reel i met you i used to be a big fan of you i was your biggest fan of all time this is just kind of like a chubby kid or young filipino woman who has tagged uh sketch in this and it's kind of calling him out i guess and they put a heartbroken emoji right so first of all what does it matter why was he why are you not a fan now he doesn't have to he doesn't owe you that like he had to tell you that he'd had gay activity or he had only fans but then here's what happens to this tweet somebody shares this tweet tags that tweet and adds to it quotes it said go lose weight you fat fucking fuck right to this child okay period oh my god fucking fat shit right after that period which doesn't even have a noun in it i guess or it might just be a noun but it's missing yeah that's doesn't it needs a prep it needs something right it needs an adverb then after that they came to so far you would think they'd come to the defense of Sketch because they say go lose weight you f***ing fat f*** comma mick f*** sorry I left that part out period f***ing fat f***ing shit then they double spaced and wrote f*** Sketch the gay f*** it's like what?

47:19yeah it doesn't make any sense the internet is so bonkers insane I'm like so I don't read comments I'm just like so over it where people like just chime in such insanity where I'm like okay like you're not why even come to the defense like what you basically what are you what are you saying like what does anybody it's like it's so bonkers yeah and why is this kid like it just like why would the kid be looking for clout just to say hey sketch like I used to love you didn't tell like he didn't know you you didn't know him It's obviously a picture of just some a random stranger. Yeah, literally that had met him and then the other guy quotes Read it one more time Nick.

48:01I can't really Go loose weight you f***ing fat f*** mcf*** f***ing fat s*** f*** sketch the gay f*** yeah like What is the point? Imagine just spending your time just going like, I've got to chime this in. I'm like so over it. Back in the day when I started making movies and I did Grandma's Boy and Benchwarmers, and I would read critic reviews, which weren't that scathing, but they were like, hey, fuck you. You fucking suck. What did I do? Let's try to make a funny movie. like why like when people chime in it's just like dude like what the fucking you go make a movie you fucking tarred nations yeah like wow this shit was such a waste of my time this guy used to be funny it'll say stuff like that but it'll say that on like a baby announcement it's like Hector's here he's four days old and people are like yeah I remember when he used to be funny it's like he's four days old yeah he's a child like people will comment they just have no chill, man.

49:12People don't care. No, people want to chime in at all times. It's hilarious. Again, I'm just so over it. Sometimes I'll read comments and be like, hey man, you're fucking old. I'm like, yeah, I know. I'm 47. What do you want from me? What are you, C-3PO? Are you a calendar? Yeah, are you Chewbacca? Yeah, what are you, the Mayans or whatever? Yeah, are you a fucking Egyptian princess? And also, first of all, that is mummied? Yeah, eee. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not a mummy. Eee. Fucking. And here's what's dumb about mummies. They don't even make any sounds, dude. They kind of remind me of door dashers.

49:50They don't have any food on them, you know, because they're just kind of coming towards you. Yeah, and they're covered in toilet paper. And you ordered toilet paper, which is more ironic. Were you like, can I get the toilet paper, please? Can you peel it off your fucking Egyptian mummified brain? And I do. And I feel for Skechier. What was his comment? I sent him some messages this morning. Look at this. Open it on us. That was me.

50:17That was me. It's okay, though. I will tell you what. Okay.

50:23Two years ago, I did some stuff. I'm sorry if you've seen similar stuff. You know I'm a changed person.

50:38What does that mean? This is going worse than I thought it was I don't know What does he apologize for? Two years ago I did not have sexual relations with that man I'm just kidding I did Possibly Walk away Catch out of the bag

51:02It's okay Um, what else do I have to say? I don't know. Thank you to all my people that have been sticking up for me. I understand if you're bad

51:15Shit hit the fan. Okay, I was dealing with some addiction problem What does he apologize for having sex with a man? I don't know. Okay, I was dealing with some addiction problems Addicted a dick?

51:34but the plan after was not very good if I was alone and I was at my house I probably wouldn't be talking to you right now but the people at FaZe banks especially and my friends that I've made over the past couple years came and they saved me I don't know what I was going to do save him what? I think he was just scared the internet really came after him you know yeah don't look at the fucking internet but I think in his case it's hard it's a lot of his life is built on there and then also it's like if something like that came out I mean you can't just pretend it didn't happen you know what I'm saying like it's so strong but he like blew a guy who the fucking cares I don't care what he did whatever it was take your wig off it's not a wig it's a fucking wig Some guy at the airport comes up to me the other day Because that's a wig isn't it Yeah it's 100 % a wig So you think this is a wig dude You're fucking wigorny weaver I could imagine If you don't know something like that You think it's private and then it goes out public That would be very That would be alarming Yeah it would be alarming if it was like 1800s Oh I agree I think it's ridiculous I think anybody coming out of it being gay Fucking Who cares Yeah.

52:58Oh, I think it's, I think it's, I think it's ridiculous. Same time. Pussy and a dick. Oh, but you're a real intersection at that point, dude. I mean, it's both ears. It's bumper to bumper traffic. Yeah. But it's just interesting just as he's making this statement, he's like, well, what else do I have to say? It's almost weird. It's like you're, you're pleading for peace from this. From just strangers. Right. It's just kind of fascinating where we are in time. Right. That you watch somebody who has to make this plea. even as he's trying to figure out what is he even asking for you know like what is he apologizing for I agree I agree but I just think it's fascinating to see that that's where we're at in time where you're watching somebody apologize or whatever it is right totally to a screen yeah because of the world that we live in it's just it's very interesting I think but who cares that that he was gay first of all he was a Texans fan way tougher than doing some gay stuff way tougher what the f oh more dudes took down david car than did sketch ever huh yeah he got sacked 73 times his rookie season okay i mean good god he got sacked in his fucking mouth dude that's what sack means and yeah sketch i just want to say man um yeah don't just hang in there if you're feeling any type of way or um yeah just keep your head up brother uh we love you and everybody loves you dude and it doesn't matter whatever's happened or has it yeah whatever you know we love you because of who you are and um and yeah and nothing will change that bro so just hang in there and know that people have your back um some people probably have your front too some of these people are perverts but just know I love you bro and I'm just one of the millions of people that do so just hang in there champ sketch we love it you're fine don't stress about this nonsense and yeah if you feel like you and now people do what they want bro some people are gay some people are straight some people don't even know some people don't even have a sexuality there's kids out there not kids but adult children or whatever who don't even know they're like I don't even know I like to go to the library or whatever.

55:24I didn't even know I had a wiener. You'll have somebody say that sometimes. Yeah, they don't even know if there is what a library is. Yeah. But they're going to go to it. Yeah, you'll even have a guy being like, oh, look at this long pussy I have with balls under it. Yeah, look at this fucking fresh fucking labes. Look, how many labias do I have? I have pussies in my armpits. I don't even know what's going on anymore. Yeah, somebody would be like, oh, look at this long vagina I have. Look at this vagine. Oh. Oh, I'm going to fucking bring this to Bourbon Street. Throw some beads in my purse. We love you, Sketch.

56:00And sorry you're having to deal with that or if it's scaring or whatever. I just can't imagine it would be very scary, you know? What is scary about that? A haunted house is scary. I think, I don't think he's gay. It sounded like he had addiction issues and maybe he was doing it for money. So it was something he was keeping secret. and his fame really kind of happened overnight in the last six months and everybody just who loved him found that out a thing he doesn't have to be ashamed for but he's already felt shame for it so he was just scared and it sounded like he was in really bad shape yesterday but the streamers from FaZe Clan really supported him and he went over there and I think it's all good I think he's only going to be bigger to be honest yeah I think um I think that's what I'm saying I just feel so much said he's scared that's what makes me uh but what are you scared of it's like well you're just scared of fucking die he's fine right but i think for a lot of people it feels like the internet is the only be all end all like you and i are at a different age where it's not as much right we're different aids but at for for the younger generation i think that that is it right is that making sense now right that makes sense where it's like okay that's that's the jury of my life Right.

57:15You know what I mean? Where it's like, it's not. Right. I mean, we still have a little bit more of like, there's a human jury and there's an online jury. But I think it gets fucking cares. I agree. But you know what I'm saying? But the power of it is intense. I mean, even the power of just your video where they had if you guys were drinking or had done edibles and whatchamacallit. It was like, look how much news, you know, I'm saying it was like, yes, it doesn't matter. But the media doesn't fucking care what matters, you know? Right, but I didn't hold a grain of salt to when it came out on TMZ, where it's like, Nick Swartz and his thing hammered on stage and whatever, like edibles.

57:50And I'm like, yeah, all right. What the fuck? Who cares? Everybody out there just listening, don't worry about the internet and comments. It's fucking dumb and superfluous. It makes no sense. Just move on. Enjoy your life. be you and don't kill people I think when you're in times if you're struggling with drugs people will get into some wild stuff you know everyone's done wild shit what the fuck oh yeah I agree you look back at your past you've done some fucking nose nachos somebody's had some nose nachos in their past some of those fucking yeah fucking fucking weeoo weeoo some of that fucking snout mustard homie you feel me fucking that fucking dick mayonnaise oh no no i'm good i wanted some coke okay don't be that guy that's like oh you want i'm kidding man you want this wiener coke homie i want to tell you about blue chew that's right blue chew baby you if this wieners are rocking don't come and knock it Blue Chew baby they'll get that wiener Blue Chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra but at a fraction of the cost and in a chewable form.

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1:01:48Bro, I respect fucking F-Doug to the end, bro. Yeah, he's a legend. But don't even tell me, bro. He was like Lil Nas Xscape. He looks like he was the other member of Color Me Bad. Yeah, dude, huh? I wanna sex you up And I TikTok it all night Sweaty genitals sweaty genitals bro fdr and i just heard that i'm not saying that that's something that i've heard a lot yeah did you grow up with them how'd you even know that no it was just you would read it on places you would read like little where did you read that just saw what's it called spade.com no when people write something on a bench or whatever you know henry got fucked or whatever you're like well jeez you okay i don't like read benches and live by it but benches used to be the internet though you didn't have the internet dude you had whatever somebody wrote bathroom walls and all that.

1:02:42Yeah, that was the internet. Don't you know that? The original Reddit? I guess, yeah, that's a valid point. Larry sucks cock or whatever. You're like, oh, God, good to know. Gary's got that gay flu. Yay! Yeah. Motherfucker. Hit me up for free tires or whatever. Like a 1-800 number. But that was the internet. It was the bathroom wall or benches, man. Yeah, that's true. You know what I was looking at recently, man? They had there's gay animals out there. Like what? Name a couple How about this then? I know some of them Okay? You tell me Wait, personally or the genre of the animal? Let's go genre, not specific animal Because you can't be like, oh, Paddington Bear Or whatever, but I want like a Genre of an animal or a species Or Species Is that the right species?

1:03:31Species, yeah You tell me an animal, I'll tell you If it's gay or not A panda? Not sure okay giraffe fuck yeah dude yeah giraffe just dripping dicks well dude they got fucking waterfall penises oh they just hang down well that neck too a neck is just a long penis with sounds in it it's like the ron jeremy of horses basically and here's the trick about being a giraffe giraffe your head and eyes are so far from your wiener that if a guy blows you whatever you can pretend it's not a guy if you want right because you're so you can't see but you're so far removed from it like if i'm up here and somebody's just you know whistling on my root or whatever i can pretend it's whoever but if i'm right here like a human it's hard to not it's hard to be in denial you can see fucking steve and mark right you can see somebody with um yeah you can see somebody with a terry mccloren jersey or something on just harping you down you know Yeah.

1:04:31Look at this. Oh, yay, dude. Oh, whoa. Hold on. Oh, God. That did not go well. Wow, that thing is pop-locking. Whoa, homie, bro. Jeez, Crenson's tons. And that is how you meet a man out there in the woods, buddy. Dude, what if a lion's sucking your dick? How fucking sweet would that be? Well. You're a giraffe. Giraffe is definitely. No teeth, no teeth. the lion's just maybe the lion doesn't have teeth it does it does it would nibble that thing down just like somebody just biting down a piece of thing a mistletoe some vegetarian yes or no, elephant, gay or no elephants, no to just what about if the trunk goes into your gin and then you can suck your own dick So does that make the elephant gay?

1:05:30We don't know What about, guess another one

1:05:39Cheetah No They dress gay I think but I don't think they are But they do dress gay Or they dress They dress like 80's hairband gay Yeah like Italian women Yeah Jersey housewives Yeah At a poison concert Yeah God that's good yeah they dress pretty gay um what about here i'll tell you i'll give you a clue nighttime halloween bats bats bats are way gay dude how are how are bats gay first of all they're hiding in the dark you can't even see what's going on right so something just flies right into your wiener whatever it could be like oh i'm a one you know like that's the craziest thing the dark is just the ultimate or it's also like I'm sleeping upside down but they're trying to suck their own dick yeah

1:06:33so what about Batman oh it's dark I'm gonna fly into some other bats and just whatever happens that kind of shit Robin who's a fucking gay bird oh I'm not gay it's just really dark in here bat thing bats have that oh right here in wild little brown bats males often mount other males during late autumn and winter when many of the mounted individuals are torpid. 35 % of matings during this period are homosexual. Wow. What does torpid mean, Nick? Yeah, what is torpid? I've never even heard that word. Mentally or physically inactive or lethargic. So I guess every man, it's like a K-hole, I guess, for animals when many of mounted individuals are torpid.

1:07:14So yeah, so bats can be gay. Bisons too. Bisons. Look up bisons being gay, please. That can't be right. Bisons, dude. Aren't they basically buffaloes? The American bison is a bovine mammal which displays homosexual behavior. Look at him right there. Full anal penetration between bulls has been noted to occur among American bison. Wow. Put in gay bison. And let me know where that bar is. Oh, that's gay. Sorry. Right there. Zoom in on that picture. Look at the kid. He's kind of off at school or whatever that area is of the yard. Right. And this dude is trying to holler at that. His dad. I mean, good Lord.

1:07:58And that one's in blackface. I want to say, I mean, I don't know if that's okay to say or not. Well, faces can be black. So anyway, just wanted to go down a little trail there. Yeah. But yeah. That was a treasure trail. Yeah, I think the crazy part is just like, yeah, I don't know. I just feel for Sketch. I hope that he's okay. He'll be fine. He's alive. that's all you want is to be alive oh dude totally good god and even that's tough bro sometimes if somebody was like well you want to be alive sometimes it can be active I mean yeah but it's like when I wake up every day I'm like fuck here we go yeah Christ in heaven but if somebody right now is like would you want to be alive or do you want to be a bison or do you want to have a really nice lunch what does the lunch consist of four course lunch soup Salad From which establishment?

1:08:56It's a new place Would it be in Nolens? It's a new place What if I ate some gumbo? It's a new place And some jambalese And some maybe a hurricane And then Drew Brees And then Blue He just comes out and hums the dessert into your mouth Dude they used to have that restaurant called Lambert's With a throw the roll across the Love Lambert's You been there? Yeah of course Wow yeah it's not my first fucking rodeo bro they would throw the roll to earth fucking wig gypsy they'd throw the roll to you across town i think billy um yeah it'd be like a curveball there it is right there that's the guy he'll throw the roll to you right there lambert's home the throat rolls and they'll hum a bread over at you yeah amazing um right there and that guy probably is that kirk cousins right there It's Knox.

1:09:49That's Kirk. Oh, yeah. That's an Amish dude. Oh, yeah. Now, this is way greater than anything Sketch did. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean. Underhand tossing a bread roll to somebody in a full restaurant. I would take that guy over Kirk Cousins. Yeah. For the Vikings. But, yeah, I just can't even believe that that's the biggest issue. I think him being a Texans fan for the past however long they've been in existence. But I mean, they're exciting. I love Houston very much. Now, yeah. Yeah. But I mean, back in the day, yeah, they were just full of blonde. And back in the day was two years ago.

1:10:24It was just like J.J. Watt was just trying to play every position and try to keep him alive. Yeah. Good God. That's why we pray. What else, man? What else is happening? What else is going on? I'm going on tour. Toilet Head. NickSquartson.net. Got my new special, July 18th on YouTube. Game on. And are you... Oh, I did see you. And I'm doing Happy Gilmore 2. You're doing Happy Gilmore 2. you're in yep wow and you're gonna play i'm gonna play adam's caddy wow yeah super excited have you already read the script or no there's no script yet but we start shooting in the fall congratulations bro i know you're excited about that um and then david spade i don't know what he's doing i think he's homeless david yeah we pray do you know uh there you go comedian x warner announces he will play as adam sandler's candy and happy gilmore too yep and how did that come to pass did adam ask you about it how does that work he called me up and he goes why why is it why

1:11:27and i go hey what's up no he goes hey i'm doing happy gomore 2 i'm like oh that's fucking awesome because he had turned it down for like decades he was like never wanted to do like a reboot of it or a sequel and he was like yeah he's like i don't have a script yet but I wanted to play the caddy and I'm like yeah fuck yeah amazing so super stoked any opportunity for a Grandma's Boy 2 you think? no I got offered Grandma's Boy 2 I turned it down really? yeah I just like sequels are so tricky especially with comedy so I was like yeah I thought about it for a minute the only sequel I ever wanted to do really bad and I thought of a whole concept was Benchwarmers 2 so I really wanted to do that and we lost the rights to the fucking movie and they made some bonkers shit show of a sequel but I had like a whole outline of it that was the only one I would do a sequel to Benchwomers 2 yeah it's like Ball's Fart or something mine would have been Ball's Shart so you'll be in that that's awesome man in Happy Gilmore yeah Yeah.

1:12:42What else did I just see? I saw him. Oh, Steve-O's getting breast implants. Did you see that? Is he really doing that? I'm doing a show with him tomorrow night. Are you? Yeah. We're doing the Dr. Phil with Adam Ray. Oh, yeah. Feel them freaking B-cups for me then. Yeah, I think he's going to get them for a couple of months. Is it a fundraiser he's doing it for? That's the most Steve-O thing ever. By the way, Steve-O's amazing. I love him. but getting tits is is he like is he gonna get rid of his penis I don't know let me see this says right here Jackass star Steve-O confirmed this week he's going to undergo breast augmentation for a laugh during an appearance on the X5 podcast on Wednesday the 50 year old prankster said he's been thinking about getting a pair of fake breasts for years I came up with the idea a few years ago to get a boob job and just film a bunch of legitimately funny hidden camera pranks with me in disguise in various disguises I mean I spoke with the doctors and I said to them the one thing I'm really freaked out about and bummed out about and would back out of this over is if I'm just going to be a mess afterwards he's going to get D cups wow I wouldn't go that heavy I don't think yeah that's a little aggressive two months it comes out absolutely no issues that's what the doctor told him wow but D cups is aggressive yeah this feels why not just wear fake boobs to me like why not just wear a Yeah, totally.

1:14:07Like a prosthetic tit or something. Synthetic, what is it? Yeah. Yeah, a few years ago, to get a boob job. If you go through this, X5 will pay for that. Oh, wow. And pay for the staff from taking it out. Look, I just so haven't had my checkbook with you. It's not a problem. Dude, that actually means a lot to me. Thanks. Oh, my God. Wow. I'm going to see him tomorrow, so I'll ask him. I'll text you. That's incredible, man. Yeah, getting some breasts would be, I don't know if I would love them. What do you think, Nick? I mean, I don't think I want, I don't want breasts. I don't think I want that.

1:14:48I mean, that would be D-cups, again, as like, that's a haul. Yeah. You're hauling some fucking weight. Yeah. You got some mammaries right there, and you don't have a fake baby. to suck on them tattatacons. You know what I'm saying. And there's no way you're not going to put your tongue on them a little if you have them. Well, no, you got to eat them out. Yeah, you want to be fucking nip. Yeah, I mean, I would definitely just juice boxes, little bad boys, you know? Yeah, but I want juice boxes in my tits. Oh, yeah. So I want some Capri Suns. And then, sucking on a vacation and then we praise them.

1:15:34But yeah, I would for sure feel my tits. Would you get some? I don't know. It just seems like a lot. After the thing happened in Colorado, did people call you and express concern? I reached out. I was like, dude, what's going on? I know you hit me up. You were like, what in the fuck? And I was like, God, I've already been through hell and back. I was like, yeah, I got too high in Colorado. I'm like, what the fuck? People are like, okay, well. That's true. My bad. That was me. No, no, no. It's fine. Well, you know, you're a good friend. Oh, like, what's going on, man? No, it was a valid question.

1:16:09But I was like, you guys, like people that like know, know me. I'm like, they're like, yeah, okay. Like, you're fine. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not like, you know, I don't, I'm not bonkers. It was just like a slip. You know what I mean? Where I was like, yeah, I just made the mistake of taking edible. And I still take edibles. And I don't even do any other drugs. It's like people think like I'm some like cuckoo brain. It's like no, I'm fucking, I know my shit. I'm smart as fuck. Did people start coming to the shows and wanting you to like do the same thing, like kind of trip out or whatever?

1:16:46Well, yeah. Like I said, like I did two shows sold out in Aspen. People were throwing edibles at me. And then so people afterwards were like, okay, what's going to happen? And I would address it on stage. I was very candid. I'm like, you had a bad day at work. You ever have a bad day at work and you end up on the fucking news? yeah that's a blast but like my shows after that like people can attest to that Columbus, Omaha, Philly, Houston like they're all great like my new set is fire it's awesome NickSwardson.net you feel good about it? yeah I love it I talk about Norm Macdonald a lot oh yeah?

1:17:21yeah I got three Norm stories that are great do you remember did you ever go to his birthday party or anything? yeah I went to everything really? yeah where was one of his birthday parties at? I never got to go to it. Well, he would have ones at his house. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, that's nice. But I remember one of my favorite moments is I was on tour with Sandler, Spade, and Schneider and Norm. And we were in Connecticut, Mohicanson, and we were backstage. And Norm and I were in the hallway, and there was a security guard walking down. And he had a gun. Security guard. But, like, long hallway. so I saw it and I go to Norm I go hey um that guy's got a gun and Norm was like really paranoid about death and he goes hey what a gun I guess you got a gun and I was like yeah and he goes in the Sandler's dressing room and it's again Adam David and Rob and he got Norm goes in he goes hey there's a guy with a gun and Adam goes what the fuck are you serious everyone's like freaking out and And I go, oh, no, no, no, I was, no, it's a security guard.

1:18:27I was joking. And everyone's like, what? And Norm goes, yeah, you said there's a guy with a gun. I'm like, yeah, I know. I was just, it was a joke. And he goes, why is that funny? And Adam's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm like, no, I was just trying to mess with Norm. It's fine. It's fine. And they're like, that's a joke? Fucking psycho? And I just went to my room alone and sat there. I was like, there's a guy with a gun. How do you? What? Not a gun. What? No. It's like. How do I do it? Teach you how to do it. Do what? There's a guy with a gun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a little bit of a hesitation where it's like.

1:19:07And you got to do the hands. Yeah. What? No. What? A gun. Yeah. So now there's a guy. Yeah. He's got a gun or what? What? He's a guy with a gun. Yeah. That's better. What? What are you? All right. What? He's not a dead body He's a guy with a gun No you're doing a dead body voice He's a guy with a gun No He's a guy with a gun That was kind of it Thanks dude What's another impersonation you do anything Morgan Freeman I do a couple impressions that I will save For my new hour I'm not going to spoil it There he is right there look at that what a fuck oh Don Knotts I loved him oh yeah that was impromptu not going well I'm coming in your butt that's so stupid that's the worst Don Knotts well listen man hey your mouth is my toilet that's the worst Don Knotts ever not that bad it's fucking my dog shit snowman that's not Don Knotts what that's done not I got I can do um oh Morgan Freeman you know

1:20:34they said it would take a man 600 years to get out of this year prison but Andy Dufresne did in less than 20. that was Frederick Douglass oh really wedding boys that yeah that's Frederick Douglass dude no you eat me out yeah you know that what's something you miss about like when you were younger is there anything you ever like have nostalgia for ever you feel like breaking things I remember like back in the day like growing up in the 80s 1980s and I remember it was like we would have like okay like go outside and play I would just break things I would find things in the dumpster remember dumpsters yeah yeah and you would find like some light bulbs and then break those bitches maybe some fireworks oh i don't know the best was if you worked somewhere and like i need you we need you to take these fluorescent bulbs out we just change them out and they would fucking explode and the powder would come out yeah and then you would orgasm yeah yeah did you um did you ever meet michael jackson or not no damn not yet not yet what about um spacey just did a podcast did Did you ever meet him?

1:21:48Kevin Spacey? Yeah. No. Really? I never did. I saw him at a party, and he looked at my genitals. And that was fine. That's where he looks. Yeah. No, I never met him. He does a podcast. He just had a podcast. Is he like over his like... He just did one. Oh, is he over the allegations against him? Yeah, I guess nothing ever happened. Oh, he has his own podcast now? on with no that wasn't that was about his trial not okay yeah i don't know like who's canceled or what what is going on it's like fucking weird oh i don't think i don't think anybody's canceling where nobody gives a who gives a Kanye got can't nobody gives a the dude's still selling out tours so nobody cares what somebody says in the media nobody even reads to me it's like it's so bizarre it's so ambiguous because you're like what like who is are they still can we yeah I think you can kind of do whatever you want it feels like you know I'm gonna fucking fuck this plant yeah yeah then cancel me that's fine with me I'm gonna fuck your wig no yep I'm gonna take a shit on your wig don't do that shit wig don't that's my next special buddy shit wig hey shit wig I'm a dude what's something tell me something else from like a let me think of a good oh this was the best this is the best touring story i ever heard right and i don't remember who told it to me but they said that one night they were at uh they'd done a show at a comedy club they get off stage and their opener um they were both staying at the same hotel they said right when they get off stage some like this hot chick comes and rushes up and is like flirting with them and they're like um and she's like let's go back to my place and her place was like 30 minutes away so the comic was like nah let's just go back to my hotel room right so they go back to the hotel and she starts getting like super belligerent is like throwing shit at him in the room and stuff you're like let's go to my place let's go to my place she's like i have drugs there and so finally the comedian's like fuck this is too crazy man um and he throws her out of his room she goes down the hall or when she's leaving somehow she comes across the opener who was also staying at the hotel the opener goes to leaves with the chick goes to her house right they take a taxi there whatever they get inside the chick they're hooking up um they take some pills or the girl took a took a pill or something like that the the girl uh handcuffs the guy to a bed starts giving him like a BJ and she passes out.

1:24:35So now the dude's handcuffed to the bed. This chick is passed out on his lap and he sees like some headlights come across the, through the windows of like a car pulling into the driveway. So he's like, Oh fuck. A man comes in, walks down the hallway, looks in the bedroom where this dude is on the bed with this chick, right? Goes into the kitchen or whatever does something comes back gets the girl takes her out of there puts her somewhere comes back in the room tells the dude if i ever see you at my house again i'm gonna fucking kill you blows the dude i was hoping you were gonna say that then lets him go dude and gave him all his shit and fucking sent him walking the headlining comedian says like 5 a.m he gets a call and it's the opener and the opener's at like a gas station or something 25 minutes away and needs some help oh my god I don't know if that's a true story but it was the guy who told it to me I want to believe it's true it was so it had to be true oh that'd be the worst dude why the guy did he come?

1:25:48I don't know I mean that's a valid question It just That kind of It just makes me sad That's the kind of stuff that's going on The bait and switch type of thing Yeah Do you cry over it? You weep I wouldn't cry over it But you said sadness What bums me out It doesn't bum you out that somebody's getting chained up at a house Thinking they're gonna hook up with a girl And then somebody's stepdad or whatever comes in and BJ's them out No Yeah well if I only had a heart.

1:26:26Yeah, no, it's amazing. What else, man? I mean, so one story I had, so I had to do a gig in Philly. It was a casino. I had to go through Dallas. I had a casino in Iowa. So same day. So this is not a similar story in any way. Weird segue, but it was one of my favorite moments of the spring tour. So I go Philly through Dallas Sioux Falls drive to Iowa Again same day key detail So I go And my flight's at 6 in the morning I've got to make this show in Iowa So I go to the airport 9pm And I'm like I'm just going to sleep at the airport So I show up at 9pm I'm like Hey I'll just sleep at the gate What airport?

1:27:12Philadelphia So I'm like I'll just sleep at the airport I'll sleep at the airport? Yeah, I was like, I'll sleep under. I don't fucking care. Like, I'll just fucking sleep on the floor in front of the gate. What do you mean you'll sleep at the airport? My flight was at 6 in the morning. I've seen people sleep all the time at the airport. It's an airport. Yeah, I know. I'm like, whatever, fuck it. Yeah, you're right. So I go 9 p.m. the night before, and I go, hey, can I just sleep here? And they were like, no. They were like, TSA is closed. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And they're like, we have a Marriott Airport hotel.

1:27:44And I'm like, oh, okay. So I go to the Marriott, connect to the airport, and I go, hey, can I get a room? And they're like, no, we're sold out, oversold out. And I go, motherfucker. I'm like, are you serious? And they were like, yeah. So I go to the airport bar at the Marriott, and I'm like, can I get a cocktail? So this couple that I had met in Key West, and they go, Nick, Swartzen. And I go, yeah, what's up? And they go, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm fucking homeless. I'm homeless. I have no place to stay. I've got to fly to Dallas tomorrow. And they go, oh, we're on the Dallas flight.

1:28:18And I go, oh, cool. And they're like, you don't have a room? And I'm like, no. So they're like, do you want to crash on our floor? So I just slept on this couple's floor. They were so nice. I literally slept on their floor. They gave me a pillow, slept on the floor. Oh, wow. And then we woke up four in the morning, made our flight. I made the gig, and it was great. Did they, were they like, was it trying to be a swinger thing or no? No, not at all. It was just like, hey, do you want to crash? I'm like, I don't know what other comic would do that. Yeah. I would just sleep on a floor. I'm like, and I vaguely knew them from Key West.

1:28:52They were really sweet. But I was just like, yeah, I'm just going to, yeah. Dude, my buddy Jiggy, he opens up with Impractical Joker sometimes. Okay. They're great, by the way. Those guys are awesome. Comedian. He was on a plane talking to a girl, flirting, having a good time. The plane ends up getting delayed. It doesn't leave the tarmac. He goes back to the gate. uh the girl kind of speaks a little bit of a different language but the girl says you can come and stay with me so my buddy's like holy shit dude i'm gonna go stay at this girl's place what are the odds the girl uh they get to the place it's the girl's grandmother's house him the girl and the grandmother all slept in the same bed just watching a movie what yeah any new uh pets in your life i do not i wish yeah i travel so much i love cats and dogs i'm addicted fully addicted to instagram animal videos yeah like i spend maybe ballpark two hours a day watching animal videos and just sending them to people my family yeah yeah my friends yeah there's something beautiful about that there's something i love seeing a little animal um i got to meet some alpacas yesterday or not yesterday one week ago i mean that's amazing where was that it was in utah just had a beautiful time forward forward to those alpacas a little bit right see if i love about here here we go my boys got them hey buddies oh dang wow bro that's why i quit smoking homie dang beautiful yeah they're beautiful huh and their fur um Um, that's good, brother.

1:30:36And their fur is so warm and soft. Their fur is so warm and soft, dude. And some of them look so weird. And look at this dude, John Rogan, dude. That was our bus driver. John Rogan? Yeah. Is he related to Joe? He grew up in the same town. Is that true? Yeah. My favorite is I had lunch with Joe Rogan recently. Mm-hmm. And he had Jeannie Sashimi. he brought a genie lamp and rubbed it. Genie came out and Joe cut it up. Fucking ate it. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. He's not afraid. Dude. I think sometimes I wish my fucking, I wish I had metal legs. No. Cause it'd be so clangy when you were sitting down.

1:31:23Yeah. Not if you sit right. That's why you cross your legs. You wish you had more balls. You could handle it or not. Or two is good. I think two is fine. I mean, ideally, I would like eight little fucking satchel little family huh yeah little fucking hobo satchel stick with a fucking satchel oh yeah like a little spider carrying their eggs or whatever exactly and then they spread and fucking disease yeah have you ever had a STD or not I have not not yet sure dude I'll be on tour everybody lies is that dude you see that lady that hid those drugs in those burritos is that a euphemism or drug disguised as Taco Bell burritos found during traffic stop great now I want Taco Bell thanks wow you ever do some good blow back in the day Nick ever I was never a big coke guy but I did do it one time where it was like really good like 20 years ago yeah and it was like pure and what you you guys have a long night on do you remember that or not i remember like doing it was in atlanta fucking atl i'll be there on tour nick's worth just keep whoring myself no but uh yeah i went to some bar and like i did blow with this fucking black dude he's cool as shit and then we talked philosophy all night oh yeah yeah it was like one of those cocaine versations yeah it was just fucking chat sajak we were just back and forth and we were talking about the difference between Plato and Socrates and then existentialism.

1:33:08Really? Yeah, it got bonkers. Yeah. Because I love transcendentalism and existentialism. I haven't seen existentialism. Emerson and Thoreau, I can talk, all that stuff. But it was a great night. It was great. I got cornered by two brothers one time at a pizza joint, actually, out there near Palm Springs. and they were the first people that ever told me about Flat Earth. Two brothers. You wouldn't expect that. You would. Yeah, you might be right. Yeah, you would. What was the pizza joint? It was at a casino out there. I was working at a casino and they had a pizza place in it. I don't remember the name of it.

1:33:47Okay, it was at a casino though. Yeah. It wasn't like a franchise. Mm-mm. It wasn't like pizza. Mm-mm. I remember, yeah. I did a movie in southern Indiana. Yeah. And it was retarded. My friend Michael Rosenbaum's movie is great It's called Back in the Day, it's awesome Is it out yet? Yeah, it's out, it's on DVD Oh nice Yeah, it's great, great movie But we were in southern Indiana And they were like And I go, do you guys have like a Like, what's a nice restaurant here? And they're like, we have a Pizza Hut And that was their fancy place And I was like, alright So I went to Pizza Hut But that was their bar They were like, yeah Yeah, we have a fancy place Pizza Hut I still have diarrhea Pizza Hut is kind of like the thing wherever you put whatever you put in it it's still going to be you can tell because of the roof it's almost like if somebody's trans or whatever no matter what you do you know because of the roof what the original kind of structure was like it could be a chase bank and you're like yeah but Yeah, but what was it?

1:34:58We know there was breadsticks up here. Yeah. Also, like, whatever hut is in the word, it's... Yeah. There's nothing classy about, like... Yeah, there's... Let's go to Sushi Hut. No, I'm not doing that. Let's go to fucking China Hut. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's not good. It's a hut. Or f***ing's bistro. I'm like... That... I don't know if that's what we should eat at. dude we had a dude one time in our neighborhood i know you were talking about like kind of racial clothing or whatever earlier but he had a hat right the hat said the n-word on the front right he sold this hat it said the n-word on the back it said just joking across the back so who the fuck sold that i guess like an entrepreneur or whatever i don't know what it's called what but an entrepreneur or an intrapreneur dude yeah hard and entrepreneur but it was crazy because at first i just saw the the front of it and i was like oh man you can't i would go buy that i was like i was like save me one but i wouldn't make a lot of those you know yeah but then he goes dude no and he turns around and says just joking across the bat it's like oh it's so weird yeah i mean it's just like one of those gimmicky kind of shirts or whatever no i get what it is you know can you see that video where they find it was a yarmulke the mentally challenged guy and they catch him they accuse him of being a child predator and then they make him wear a shirt that said i went to meet up with a child and all i got was this stupid shirt you believe that shit is that real yeah oh that's amazing people it up nick it's on tick tock i think but it's just all there's a lot of this child predator stuff now you know you see that guy vitale and um uh maybe in bradley martin caught a they caught a hollywood executive supply they surprised him at a pizza place but it's crazy that just regular everyday citizens now are doing have become officers you know right here you go right here what is your name?

1:37:04Boris. My name is Boris. Boris. What's your name? Shake my hand. What's the problem? What do you see with my daughter? You know how old she is? I don't know. I have no idea. You have no idea. I have no idea. You have no idea. No. The fuck you thought was going to happen here? Nothing. I have a pizza. I don't know. Pizza. Yeah, you don't know? How old is she? Red. I met. You know how old she is? I matched with her. She was 23. 23. Is that what the conversation looked like? You know what the text She was 23 on a dating site. On a dating site. Yes. Yeah? Yeah, she was 23 on a dating site. How old is she?

1:37:37I have no idea. Lila, how old are you? 15. I'm sorry. 15. She was 23 on a dating site. All we've done is talk. So she didn't tell you how old she was? That's good. She did? Yeah. How old is she? Yeah, that's Bradley Martin talking. Some of you guys can't see it if you're just on audio. But they just stopped this guy who, I guess, met up with a girl at a pizza place. But you're seeing a lot of this now. like um vigilantes vigilantes yeah you're seeing it everywhere yeah but why does it always come back to pizza yeah that's a good question why don't we ban pizza yeah cause uh let's get rid of pizza um but yeah or open up a pizza slut hut did they lose their job Nick because of that though no it just kind of went away oh but did I thought Vitaly got kicked off a kick I thought you were talking about the writer I'm looking that up if he got kicked off I don't know who that is It's a streamer These streamers it's a tough business man Could you imagine that?

1:38:41Milonakis did it for a while Yeah I mean he was like one of the originals Yeah Andy like started streaming Like way back in the day I was like what the fuck is going on here Cause it'd be crazy when you're around him He's just streaming his whole universe going in you know yeah it's like you're literally stuck in the internet it feels like well you're you're just non it's non-stop content right so it's like i can't it feels exhausting it feels super exhausting like i am so like tired of like just touring enough and like coming out like new special july 18th but like you know just touring and like doing my nonsense like filming but i can't imagine like non-stop like having your phone like yeah hey i'm here yeah pizza hut how old are you i'm just like oh my god dude imagine if you're just trying to oh and the this must be the worst part you're sitting there you're just trying to enjoy your meal right and somebody next to you is a child predator.

1:39:48So now your meal's ruined. And you're in the background. Yes. So people are like... People are like, dude, I saw you hanging out with that child predator. You're like, hanging out? I was at table seven. Yeah, and they're like, Rick, are you affiliated with Gary who's fucking putting babies on his asshole? And what's in your new special? Is it tough to make a new special these days? I mean, it's hard as shit because it's like... And I think you know this, like you've done it long enough where it's like when you have a new hour. So I have a new hour coming out again, July 18th and then a whole new hour in the fall.

1:40:24So every time you have a new hour, it's so daunting where I'm like, can I think of another hour like after this? Like, I don't know if this might be my last one. I don't know. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like whenever you think of a new hour, it's so hard to write like a good hour. Oh, yeah. I've had bits where I'm like, oh, this I'll never have another good bit. This is the best bit I'll ever have. Yeah, I'm always like, I'm done. This is my favorite joke, and this is what I got, and that's it. Yeah, totally. You know? But my new hour's fire, dude. Yeah. It's fun as shit. What are some of the things you're discussing?

1:40:56Like, is it about a certain part of your life? Is it about growing up, or is it just stories, or what is it? It's kind of, like, all over the place. Like, if you've seen my shows, which people have, it's, like, storytelling, one-liners. It's, like, kind of all over the map, like, observational. Diarrhea stuff, or no? There's a couple de-rays. A couple de-rays. I make sure my fans know. You show up, you're going to hear a de-ray. We're spraying it on the walls, homie. Yeah. Horse poopy. Yeah, it's just crazy how there's like vigilantism now. It's like, you know. Yeah, which is cool. But if it's warranted, you know what I mean?

1:41:33It's like, yeah. What do you mean, like people listening to Warrant? Yeah, like the band Warrant. She's my... Shut up. Shut up. but yeah, if it's warranted, yeah, of course. Um, but I, you know, remember the first time somebody ever touched your genitals or not? Uh, yeah, vaguely. Where was it? What count or whatever? It was at my family reunion. Ooh, yeah. Yeah. That's why we pray. Yeah. Do we need more fucking gay animals? We need, um, and we got to support our gay animals. That's the thing. We have to, you know, giraffes. if you see a giraffe suck its dick it's right there it's hanging fruit it's so big though you know how big it's gonna be yeah but why don't you just suck it up what if it just suck it up dude it'll rip your jaw open if he fucking moves over the left or whatever yeah why don't you get a new jaw you're gonna be in a neck brace cause you try to blow some giraffe yeah then you have a great story yeah Yeah.

1:42:40And people are like, what happened to your jaw? Turtlehead. Giraffe dick. New special coming out. Or tour, sorry. Toilet head. Sorry, toilet head. Did you say toilet? Toilet head. I said turtle head. Sorry, man. I was in Vegas all weekend. My brain is rattled, dude. His wig is off. My wig is off. July 18th, YouTube. Yeah. Joke from face, then toilet head this fall. Yeah. Game fucking on. And Sketch, we love you, dude. Hang in there. Yeah, I just can't believe that this whole time he's been a Texans fan. Yeah. Houston. We have a problem. I praise him. Nick Swarton, thanks for hanging out, dude.

1:43:31Love you, dude. Sorry if I was a little bit subdued today, man. Dude, that's okay. I'm fucking always subdued. Makes jokes from Face. That comes out July 18th on YouTube. His tour, Toilet Head. You can get out there now and catch him. Any more edibles on stage, Nick? You're done. We don't know yet. Yeah. See how this plays out. Amy's on a break day. Edibles are fun, so cool, so cool, so cool. Well, I wish it was a night when I could touch your body. She's my Gary Pie. Oh, yeah. Gary Pie. Dude, I love that. oh we're halfway there oh Spade has no hair dude Spade took me to his hair doctor that guy's fucking 2 ,000 years old dude oh yeah alright cool man now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take a little