E517 Andrew Santino

28:34Oh, yeah. Because they got a shit river floating around it. You don't want to get in that. Even when you think about that about moats, you thought it was like this clean water. Shit river, bud. See, that's a nice story. That looks like on a plane. That's just American Airlines. That's just a shot from...

28:53Francis Louis XI hid his commode behind curtains while Elizabeth I covered hers in crimson velvet and lace using sprigs of herbs to disguise the odors. Well, yeah, you forget. They didn't shower. They showered like once a month or something, if you're lucky. Yeah. So they stunk. A lot of them stunk. I don't know which one it was, but one of the queens, which queen notoriously never showered? There was one that like refused to shower. And she loved it. She thought it was like - I wonder if she's from Slidell or not. Fake history on her. The curious comes about Elizabeth I bathing habits. Yeah, she - Oh, she did.

29:29so she did bathe. Some people said she didn't. It was a myth, huh? That's a bummer. I kind of wanted it to be real. Oh, I like them bitches. That's a little bit nasty. A little stanky. You like them stanky a little bit. I don't like, like post EDC. Yeah. But not like living in a bird bath. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, you want them to be, uh, you want them to be just a little, you want them to be organic, but not, uh, not farm to table. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. that's what i want the summer olympics are popping off baby that's where it's at usa just uh battled their first game against australia in basketball they got the dub that's for sure if you play a sport or if you ice skate or if you just even just just wrestle with your own emotions sometimes you can really break a sweat When I sweat or get dehydrated, I go straight to liquid IV.

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33:30And I was like, I don't think we can make it do this last super last minute. And then in the morning we woke up and I was like, all right, we'll go. You know what I mean? We just were like, we got to do it. Like it's a 35 minute flight to Vegas. I was like, we got to go. And we had an absolute amazing time. It's, it is one of the greatest visual and audio shows I've seen in my lifetime. The Sphere is, I mean, it's, it's worth every single dime they, they overspent on it and they're losing money. I think they're hemorrhaging money that place. Yeah. That's what it says. I know that, um, that to build this, the, uh, the crane alone that they use to build the Sphere and, uh, check me on this, but it, there was like, it took a hundred trucks just to bring the stuff the crane is made out of.

34:20It was like the fourth biggest crane in the world. I think it's from Belgium or Berlin. Well, I mean Berlin. It took that many trucks just to bring the pieces of the crane, and then it took a couple of weeks to put the crane together. Yeah, who builds, what crane builds the crane? Yeah. What crane was first? You know what I mean? Yeah. What's the first crane that built the cranes? So true. At a certain point, you're like, oh, we need a crane to build this crane. And then what crane is building that? back on the crane gang. That's right. And you know who built it first. Come on. You know who built the first crane.

34:59The first crane?

35:03I don't know. The Egyptians. Oh, they did? Yeah. That's how the pyramids were built. They built cranes. Of course they did. Yeah. Yeah, what the fuck? People are always like, who moved these stones? A crane. Yeah, you idiot. What the fuck? What the fuck? A guy didn't do it. They built a crane. Dude, I love how every white person I meet is like, oh, the pyramids, aliens. Every Egyptian person I meet is just like, oh, these are some fucking. My dad. My dad loves ancient aliens. That's his favorite thing on earth. Yeah. He's obsessed. And I say that on stage. I say he loves ancient aliens, which is crazy because he hates illegal aliens.

35:39And I said, Dad, you can't pick and choose. They both built the pyramids, man. You got to be careful. He's obsessed. why are white yeah whites are so obsessed with aliens it's our number one thing i think it's because like a lot of whites are so comfortable too comfortable right they're too comfortable so it's like you start to worry about other shit that's that is true it's like how you feel you start to worry about oh alien like you know is there anybody else out there like it's definitely those are creature comforts yeah when you get too comfortable you start to worry about things that you have no familiarity with.

36:17You kind of make it up. Because it feels like it gives you something to do. If you don't work, let's say you're raising a family, you don't have a job, you're a stay-at-home mom or dad, there's a downtime when they're napping. And what do you do in midday? You're thinking about aliens. You're bored, you're around your house, your vibrator is broken or whatever. Well, it's not charged. Yeah. You gotta charge that thing. You can't keep uncharging that. Put that, plug it in. Get back to square one. You believe in aliens, don't you, though? You gotta. You think I have to? Let me think. I don't, I think you gotta believe in something.

37:02What's out there? I mean, I think we, the crazy thing is what an anomaly humans are. right yeah this is weird we're the weird ones like if you look in the forest or whatever they're no they all know each other they know what they're doing they know what team they're on sometimes they'll fight sometimes they'll cuddle or whatever sometimes they have that video where like that little duck is on that um uh badger's back or whatever oh yeah but like they know what they're doing and then we show up like we're the strange mammal like if you were in the woods and you saw a bear right like come out of his hole or whatever take a couple of pills cry jerk off right you know and then get on yeah transition and then get on a computer you'd be like this fucking alien this is an alien this is an alien so maybe we are the alien you know like well we are we are the alien to something else for sure well certainly to nature yeah to the rest of nature, it seems like we're the outlier.

38:10Like to fish. I always think about fish. We have to be so annoying to fish. Just stepping in their house and then they have to get out of their own house. Oh yeah. Somebody gets in your house. Imagine you just have to leave. Yeah. And when, and then when they're done enjoying your house, then you get to come back. Imagine they show up, it's like pee in your house. Yeah. Pissing in your house. They just come and piss right in, right in your front. Hey. And you have to disappear because they're 10 times your size. yeah yeah that's another thing about us being so comfortable because there's nothing trying to kill us all the time except corporations and say for us except for us except for us we're the best at killing ourselves we're the only species that works really hard on killing ourselves yeah with everything we consume food alcohol cigarettes drugs we're trying to get rid of ourselves even the cooter is bad now there was a study the other day was it rotten no it just it's They tested a woman's coot or whatever, and it was like 20 proof or something.

39:10Where was that at? 20 proof? Was that at Indiana University? Yeah, I think it was in Bloomington. That sounds like an IU thing. Yeah. 20 proof is bad. That's heavy. 875 ,000 square feet of space. That's in the venue. Man. Yeah, COVID delayed it. I remember that, and U2 was number one. U2 started. Who's there now? The Eagles are coming. Something like that. Eagles are coming. Yeah, Eagles are about to do it. Wait, tell me, though. Did you love, did you really enjoy the show? And have you been a Dead fan? Do you like the Dead? I haven't been a Dead fan. I probably know like six or seven other songs probably, right?

39:44Yeah, so you like them. That's a pretty good amount. Yeah. Yeah, I like them. My brother is a huge Grateful Dead fan. But he didn't want to maybe see Dead and Co. because he didn't want to spoil like, you know, he's like a Jerry. You know, he's like. He was, yeah, he liked Jerry. Right. And so, but he wanted to go. He lives by Mount Zion, so we met over there. And I wanted to go, and we wanted to do something together. And, yeah, I think I love that they have so much art. There's so many little things you know about the Grateful Dead that, since they have a lot of cool and unique art and stuff, they're able to make a lot of neat stuff to put into the visuals, right?

40:24Whereas if you were a band, if you're like, you know, Gwar maybe or something or Sinead O 'Connor, Sinead O 'Connor, Jojo Siwa or somebody, I don't know if you're going to be able to fill that space with enough intrigue. Right. And history. And history, right. Right. You almost need something that's a bit historical, maybe, or something that's extremely artistic, like a group that has a lot of ambiance that comes with it. Right, you can't do it. A solo artist would be a little hard there unless they have such a rich story to tell. Right, like a Michael Buble or something. I don't know, but if it were just Christmas and they were able to make really cool Christmas shit in there, then that's a way to do it.

41:10Yeah, Booby at Christmas would be nice, though. Yeah. He is really talented, that guy. People love him at Christmas. No, I think— whatever well yeah no i don't need them i don't i really don't need them yeah boob later dude that's pretty bad um but what else did i think i thought it was amazing how like well there's like these things in the seats called like haptics or whatever and so sometimes your seat will move right so some of the seats i think like 10 000 of the seats uh they have haptics right and they and you know so they'll have like a reaction or uh so that's kind of crazy i thought But it was interesting how sometimes when you get there right in the beginning and it just looks like a futuristic like kind of cage or something you're in.

41:55Yeah. Like a inner workings of a machine. Yeah. It's not just like you're looking at a screen. It looks like. Robot guts. Yeah. Or like inside of a video game. Yeah. Some like video game you went into like a space world or something. And then it all kind of starts to happen. and they don't give you everything at once. They don't show you all their tricks at once. No, they roll it out slow. That's a great shot. Wow. That was you too, probably, I bet, because that wasn't... What's wild about it is they give it so much dimension, you know, through tricks of the LEDs, and it really is kind of mind-boggling.

42:34I guess people get really dizzy. Like some people, they have to take them out of there because they get so dizzy from the movement. because the movement is crazy. It physically, like, it moves so heavily that I think people get disoriented. Yeah. Oh, there's times where, like, the way that they do it, you're like, you feel like the whole thing is moving through space or time. Like, you're the entire venue. It feels like you're moving with it. Yeah. Yeah, I think they said people with, like, kind of like, same thing with strobes. Like, people that have heart problems or high blood pressure. Epileptics or something?

43:07Epileptics, or if you're French-Canadian, you're not supposed to go there because it's dangerous for those kind of people. And that's just a historical unfortunate truth. They get sick easier. Fuck. Yeah, it's sad. But it was a beautiful time, man. It was a beautiful time. I enjoyed it so much. And it was long. And you really kind of get a story. And I loved it. And I thought what was really cool too at the Dead show was if you went down to the street, if you went down to just the stage where the stage is, and if there was nothing on the back and nothing on the screen, the stage only had a few lights on it.

43:44It literally looked like you were at a backyard concert. Yeah, it's really crazy. It's like, it's so minimalistic and then so grand at the exact same time. Yeah, it's really beautiful. It had like five lights behind the guys or six, like, I mean, small lights. And then, oh, that's U2. That's U2, yeah. and then it had a very and so if the screen was off it literally looked like you were at a backyard show yeah like a band was playing in somebody's backyard but yeah I would totally recommend it I heard somebody refer to themselves as a sphere head after I'll never see a show anywhere else now I'm a sphere head it's pretty limiting yeah definitely limiting but it was interesting I never thought I'll only see a show at a certain venue yeah Yeah, dedicating to a venue is tough.

44:35Yeah. Because you're only going to get what you're going to get. Right. But I mean, you know, that's kind of life, isn't it? You're going to get what you're going to get. Yeah. So if you become a sphere head, you might as well soak it up. Yeah. Yeah, but what else? Yeah, what does this crane say? The fourth largest crawler crane in the world. Wow. That's the crane. A 580 foot tall crane. Man, imagine being Sarins. It's made by a company called Sarins. Imagine being David Sarins. that's your crane wow what does your family do we're crane guys oh big money we're crane guys have you ever seen the costco guys you ever seen these two kids the son and his dad we're costco guys they go to costco and they just eat stuff and they review it oh yeah the world is burning uh you know the statue of liberty can fit inside of the sphere wow and the sphere is interesting is right when you walk in it does feel the whole thing feels like a presentation kind of you know oh yeah like even the the original interior is so neat you're like you don't just walk right into the like venue kind of you know you walk into like like a normal venue would be like this other you know like the hallways and stuff and the the the four uh yeah wow 2.2 billion just i mean yeah let's look at the statue of liberty look at a little tiny girl oh dude all the bitches are in there her and all her friends yeah well not as much anymore they don't talk to Sheila.

45:58Yeah. They got, she, uh, they got into a big fight, I guess. Oh. You've been to Statue of Liberty? Yeah, I think I have. Did you go up in her head? Yeah. Oh yeah, I went up there, dude. She was just pissed at her ex about something. When I was there. Right. I actually was fine. I think I was, I, when I went and visited her, she was in her hoe phase. So she was having a good time. Oh damn. She was spreading love. Yeah. I heard that's why France sent her here, dude. Uh-huh. She got a little out of control. being too much for France by the way because they're all whores Paris got ranked the sluttiest city in the world a couple years in a row fuck dude what am I doing in Nashville well you gotta go to Paris I mean do you speak French but being from the south being from where you're from people do speak a little bit of French a little bit of French right yeah a little bit of like les ailes bon temps rouler that's what I'm saying see that's not you're halfway there baby let's go that just means to let the good times roll that's a great thing to do well there you go that's all you need to say it's not bad but it's like this guy just keeps saying this guy is mentally retarded yeah but also welcome to the party maybe they think you're you're worth the fun that's all he knows and that's okay this guy does it um but even seeing the sphere from your hotel room I can't even explain how it feels like something fell off of another planet.

47:24All right, that looks alien. And landed here. That's the most alien part is just seeing it. Yeah, it does. And walking up to it feels kind of daunting. It feels very like a millennium falcony, like it's this big, daunting, intricate. Yeah, it is true. That does feel foreign. It feels foreign. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I don't mean that in a negative way. Yeah. Because I know the word foreign, people are really taken to heart these days. Most sexually active cities in the world. What'd I tell you? Paris, baby. Wow, Paris. Number one. Number one. They're back-to-back champs. But Paris has also been referred to as a queer city.

47:58Well, yeah, we say that. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah. LA is number two. No way. California has the highest reported rates of, uh, Gennar? Oh. Syphilis. Yeah. Syphilis. Congenital syphilis, yeah. Congenital syphilis. another piece of data likewise provides that young individuals account for more than five out of every 10 chlamydia infections and more than 87 percent of those are youth of color hey hmm london london i really would not think london would be high on the yeah i think british women are more casual about sex i think europe probably is as a whole right everybody in europe we're a little staunch but I guess that means that if LA's number two we're kind of like a European city Berlin yeah I imagine Germany oh sex work homosexual sex have always had co-existed in the idea of commercialization in Berlin yeah the problem with that is you know in Berlin you gotta kind of be a part of their what they want you to do you know and I don't know if you know anything about that stuff but in Germany it's a little too much.

49:09It's pretty intense. Yeah, it's heavy. They're perverts. There are a lot of perverts. Yeah. Yeah. New York City. I could see that. Oh, yeah. In New York, though, it's just like if you like you got to bring all your stuff with you in the morning, even if you're planning on having sex at any point over, you know, it's like you got to pack for sex. Yeah, you got to pack for sex. You got a hammock. You got some condoms. It's like Jesus Christ. Yeah, you got to have a change of underwear and socks. Yeah, you got to bring all that shit in your head to a fucking restaurant. some girl's got a camel back on because she has to fucking walk back to Brooklyn it's just there's no other crazy city to try to have some to meet up with somebody then in fucking New York it's ridiculous fucking in New York is yeah that's gotta be a cumbersome adventure oh fucking in New York is for the birds I think that's why people get in relationships here because they're just like oh fuck I'm not going home I don't feel like walking yeah it's too far I'll marry you it's too far dude Trump Trump.

50:05Yeah, man. Insane. Where were you when Trump got shot, man? I'm not going to tell you. That's if the government's listening, just in case. I don't want anybody to hear. Where was I? I was at the house. I was at the house. And you know what's so funny? My instinct was like, I'm not even kidding. That's what time we're in now. I thought it was AI at first. I thought this is a, someone's pulling a prank on people. I was like someone is a doing a very intricate coordinated prank because AI is that good they could make that up but then I kept you know then obviously it got exposed that it was real but for a long I'm not kidding that's how fucked the world is that I thought maybe that was fake or that it was this was all made up yeah it was a trip it still might be still might be yeah I mean we don't know we weren't there I wasn't there I have no idea what's going on in Pennsylvania that's how so weird the media is these days like if you don't know and you weren't there if you really step back for a second you're like who knows what you know how could i know how could i know that that's real i don't know i mean could have could have not took it took the hit though oh it was crazy dude yeah that image him yelling fight yeah fight my god dude within i didn't put that on the american flag yeah you know put that right where the stars are it's that's the wildest thing i think i've ever seen this a guy gets shot and then champions like a like a like a guy who tore his acl yeah on the field and is doing yeah yeah i mean that image is just insane the craziest thing is i've seen the a guy on the right at the ufc fights like seven times i was gonna say he's his like he's his number one guy that guy he looks so familiar it's like so many things were crazy about this um i was let me think where was i oh yeah so i was in yeah i was in vegas we're waiting we're gonna go to the show i went to watch diplo was playing at um like a day party somewhere so we stopped by there um he comes walking up he's going on stage he's like dude guess they shot trump and i was like told you that swear to god he goes they shot trump yeah and i was like what is it a new song or something he goes no they shot trump i was like no fucking way dude i mean and nobody had said anything and he's like yeah man they shot him and he goes oh this is the best part he goes and my fucking dad just walked like like the door was closed walking out to the patio and he didn't know and he fucking walked right into it dude and it was like it was the same thing now i mean it is it is just as disturbing i agree look you gotta care about the man closest in your life for sure but it was just so when he told me those things back to back dude and i was like those aren't exactly the same but um i'm you know i'd love to meet your i'd love to meet your dad i hope he's feeling okay right um similar injury yeah and then he just got up there to start a fucking party keeps going but so that was just kind of strange and then oh he showed me the video on his phone of the kid of the uh of the shooting yeah and the video started and he wouldn't forward the video you could tell it was like a long video Yeah, you like skip for it a little bit.

53:17Yeah, but it was nice. I'm like, is Diplo really giving me this much time to stand here? Like he's just got like, I feel bad I'm wasting his time. Like I'll move the cursor, but it's his phone. Yeah, you're not allowed to move the cursor on somebody else's phone. That's interesting. Crazy, dude. That's so flagrant to touch someone else's phone. What was the kid's name that did it? They got him, right? They got the, he's dead and gone and Thomas Crooks. Tommy Crooks. It sounds like it. Yeah, Tommy Crooks. Yeah, Tommy Crooks. Who did it? Thomas Crooks. Yeah. But then you see a picture of the kid and you're like, what?

53:48No. Well, one of the wildest things is that people are saying there's no way. Did you see the diagram of where it happened? No. No. Is it really what? Is it intricate? Bring that up. The diagram of where he shot him from. The layout of what it looked like. It's like. He was right next to the. Right. Right, and this is like Trump was speaking like off this way. Right, that's why he got that right ear, right, yeah. Yeah, go to that. Let me see if that helps a little bit. Wow. Location of law enforcement, snipers on roof, stage where Trump was speaking. What were the snipers doing while they couldn't see the gunman?

54:31Bro, it looks like the only roof that was close to them was that one. So how did they not? And people were saying, you've seen the videos where people were like, hey, there's a guy right there. And they didn't see it. Huh. A little weird. This fucking dude. Now, this could be easily an actor. That's me. That is me with one of those silicone masks on from him.

54:55It's like the Guy Fieri hat that you buy at the store that comes with the hair.

55:02His face is going, well, he was up there. We was yelling. They didn't know. We kept saying, dude, he's on the roof, dude. They wasn't listening. I mean you could that mouth we could play it but that's exactly what it is I think play 20 seconds of it couldn't see him but we could hear him so we walked up oh it is a fake hat it is what it is 5 to 7 minutes of Trump speaking I'm estimating here I have no idea he's got chewing too big old dip oh yeah he's got chewing stuck in his neck we noticed the guy crawling arm you know bear crawling up the roof of the building beside us 50 feet away from us.

55:44So we're standing there and we're pointing at the guy crawling up the roof. And he had a gun, right? He had a rifle. We could clearly see him with a rifle. Absolutely. And I called him out and no one did anything. The police are down there running around on the ground. We're like, hey man, there's a guy on the roof with a rifle. And the police are like, huh, what? Like they didn't know what was going on. We're like, hey, right here on the roof. We can see him from right here. We see him. He's crawling. The police were, huh, what? When have the cops ever been like, huh, what? I'm like, why is Trump still speaking?

56:16Why have they not pulled him off the stage? I'm standing there poignant at him for, you know, two, three minutes. Secret Service is looking at us. Okay, stop it. I'm going to call this dude out. Go do something, dude. Yeah, what are you doing? You're pointing at him for two minutes. What, are you fucking just finishing a beer? Fucking 50 feet away. God gives you one chance to be a fucking hero. bro. And instead you pop open another fucking Bush light, dude. Both of these gentlemen, uh, don't just interesting creatures. These are actors, This is a fucking, the backup, dude. They got this dude off of team of this announcer.

56:55Look what he's even using to interview him. Yeah. It's a mop. It's not even a microphone. That's a Swiffer. Yeah. I don't try. This is very untrustworthy. That's so untrustworthy. Very untrustworthy. dude. I don't like it. But to think though, right? So they secure a perimeter. Imagine seeing, okay, you have a 20 year old. He walked over there with a rifle bag. He walked like a half a mile. I think it says. And nobody said anything. Yes. That's the part to me. That's like. Half a mile is a long way to walk with a big ass rifle. With a fucking rifle. Now you are in PA. It is a Trump rally. So the weird thing is you almost expect everybody there to be walking with a rifle.

57:36They give you one on the way in. Yeah. So you kind of expect a lot of that, like. Yeah. This is a part of it. Right. Yeah, that's true. Like the ambiance, you know what I'm saying? Like if it's at a Biden rally, somebody's with a rifle, you'd be like, oh, what the fuck's going on? But I feel like at a Trump, it's more like a, you know. American symbolic. Right. NRA, bring your guns. Plenty of time. This is crazy. These people are watching him right here. Here he is right there. Right there. See him? He's laying down. See him? Yeah, he's laying down.

58:08What's happening? Well, they see a guy. That guy's walking with his child. Yeah, look. There he is. Where? Right there. Oh, my God.

58:25We have criminals. He's on the roof. He's on the roof. Wow, I've never seen this. Right on the roof. much tougher than it is it happened to be you weren't caught on the last quarter how on earth are they not in recorded history we had the best quarter in fact if they could ever put up a chart i don't know

59:13Okay, that's... That's a good point, huh? I don't... 20? I don't... Maybe. I don't know. You're so gullible. It just depends on... Sorry, I was saying it came out that he... Thomas Crooks was featured in a BlackRock commercial. I saw this. He was in BlackRock in an advertisement for BlackRock. This is where it gets real shaky. This is where it gets real shaky. It's like a commercial for BlackRock. It is? Yeah, it was like a commercial. And he's in school.

59:47Look right there Wow Wow so creepy Fuck dude Everything gets a little twisted dude But now will Trump be able to speak publicly Somewhere again like how are they even gonna manage this Moving forward They're gonna have to do what they do with the Pope You know the Pope mobile You know the Pope shell Put him in a little Trump tube Yeah He'll name it he'll sell it Yeah You better You need protection you gotta get a Trump tube They shot me they shoot me they can shoot you yeah that like the Pope oh that's cool it is dope like Jeep should sell that you know someone in LA would buy that someone in LA would be cruising around in that well remember that chick that banged the clippers on her she wore that visor all the time yeah what was that chick's name my little silly rabbit that was so weird so funny I'm his right hand man arm she was brilliant but dude yeah I just I mean I can't even believe it the craziest thing is yeah that girl you're almost like what the it almost feels like it's all part of it just like I'm almost not even I'm surprised but we're it's theater it all feels like theater yeah we're in the middle of like the craziest play we've ever we've ever lived that's what it feels like and what act are we in though Are we in the third act, do you think?

1:01:08Is this it? I think. You know, it's funny to think it could be. Like COVID was intermission. COVID was intermission. That's what I call it now. I call that intermission, dude. Dude, I love that. And now we're seeing that the rest of the play is about to play out. Fuck, now it's on. This is, oh, and there's the lady right there. Who is that? It says female Shane Gillis. That's not doing her best work. What? You see that lady tried to holster her gun a few times? It just wouldn't go in. Yeah. That's tough. Yeah. I think that's my Aunt Libby. There's no way. She's made bombs here in a shoe. You know what Sadie's like?

1:01:48But this is crazy. Putting him in the car. Well, the crazy thing is they don't even bring him down to the ground when they're at the podium. No, I know. They stand him up and walk him off. An easier target, which is crazy. And he keeps saying, let me get my shoes. Well, they were nice. If they're nice and new customs, you do want to get those back on. They probably are, yeah. It's funny, this is what they train for This is unbelievable Get them in the car and then they slam on the door It's like he puts her glasses on Put your shades on, dude You don't want to see your eyes That's wild Can you even imagine, though, like Your job at Secret Service, there's so many It's all downtime I'm also shocked that they wear sunglasses The Secret Service doesn't have, like, a thing That they can permanently put around their eyes Taking on and off sunglasses Yeah, pain in the ass.

1:02:38And I lose them all the time. I'm going to, the pair I brought in here today, I'm going to lose it. I'm going to leave it here in the studio. Lose them all the time. Yeah, I'm trying, I just, you start to wonder, what is it, a conspiracy? Do they want us to think it's a conspiracy? Because now there's no, like the guy's been a martyr after the justice system went after him, right? Whatever you think. Like I've always thought that Trump is a shady businessman, right? Do I think that he's a very personable guy? I don't know. I don't know him well enough. the most interesting thing I've seen him do uh was when he's turned like that and said fight it showed like that he because there's a lot of people think oh he just wants they're gonna want you know to turn back around yeah and face the crowd and face the crowd and face the shooter to me you're you don't know what the fuck's going on right you're making yourself visual that's that was really interesting to me man you know what I'm saying like he's right so bold and those other guys well the other secret service are like please get down because their heads are targets fuck it's just crazy have you seen about this guy on the internet the guy with that hat that goofy fedora in the background oh yeah this guy he's all over the internet who is that I don't even know but his name's come up a hundred times the guy who's holding his phone and they say clown that guy's a fucking he's a Simpsons character that's Matt Groening that's a Matt that's Michael Jackson if he never got molested and learned to dance I feel like you know what I'm saying it's insane well here's the crazy part you have a white dude you have Kappa Sig right behind him just smiling like why aren't all those people hiding that's what I didn't get no panic no panic they were just shooting no panic I mean they show the tape that guy doesn't even flinch Fedoraman Fedoraman that's his name yeah Fedoraman he doesn't even go down if somebody starts shooting at somebody gone gone I'm crawling on the ground and I'm out of there later email me and we'll talk to you later I'm absolutely out I'm not hanging out at all do you think a marksman could have been accurate enough just to graze him on purpose that would be too hard honestly maybe those guys are good dude they could shoot an earring off somebody's ear look at him there, there's Vincent, that's his name, Vincent just hanging out shooting happens, he still stood up he didn't even sit down when the first shots were hanging out he was just hanging out now I do know it says on the internet he has bad knees but he just stood up, just hanging out but why?

1:05:16fight, fight, no panic pretty incredible I don't know what they want us to believe, that's a good question do they want us to think it's a conspiracy? maybe, yeah because then the wheels get spinning more. Right? Yeah. For sure, man. You don't think Biden has anything to do with it? I don't, I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if like the FBI or the Department of Justice or one of them, there's something going on there. I wouldn't be surprised if somebody's compromised at Secret Service. But I don't know how you convince a large group of people, you know, like you have to convince the local police as well.

1:05:49It's like... Pretty exhausting. I don't think I could name five police officers in Pennsylvania that would probably not stand up to help for Trump probably. Like a lot of those guys are, you know, military and police. A lot of them are Trump supporters. Unless people are getting bribed. Money. Yeah, but it's just interesting. I don't know how you figure that out. And then, but yeah, how does a 20-year-old kid use a ladder, get up? It just is like there's nobody standing in any of these areas. Yeah, no one's going, what are you doing? Not one guy, just one walk-by guy. What are you doing? Yeah.

1:06:20That guy. He didn't get any what are you doings? I don't I mean this is gonna make for it's just un-fucking-believable ladder he brought the ladder did he plant it beforehand? bro he set it up beforehand he set it up beforehand so he went there before set up the ladder dude that building is looks like it's about 12 feet right huh I wonder what business is in there oh they didn't secure it says now uh Secret Service did not secure the nearest tall building A ladder had been placed in advance of the shooting on the building. Attendees alerted law enforcement to the presence of the shooter. A little shaky, dude.

1:07:01Man, I've had experience with bad habits. Bad habits. Gosh. I still experience, you know, I'm still bad habit from time to time. That's right. Did you know that around 73 % of American adults report having one or more unhealthy behavior? Well, if you've got a bad habit that you just can't seem to kick, you might want to pay attention to what Fume has created for people like us. Fume is an award-winning flavored air device that's quickly becoming the leading alternative to vaping and smoking. It's a new movement which champions the creation and maintenance of healthy habits that you can implement into your daily routine.

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1:08:45we started our store a man was making shirts with his brother my buddy Kevin in a basement in Akron and I think his brother was dealing with alcoholism or whatever but and that worked well for a while but then we had to scale up and as we started to scale up I realized that I needed help thankfully the help was so easy and I owe that to Shopify that's right Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business. So whether you're scaling up or down or out or global, Shopify is there. Whether you're selling scented soaps or offering outdoor outfits, Shopify helps you sell everywhere from their all-in-one e-commerce platform to their in-person POS system, wherever and whatever you're selling.

1:09:39Shopify's got you covered. Sign up for a$1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash T-H-E-O, all lowercase. Yep. Go to shopify.com slash Theo, lowercase. Now to grow your business, no matter what stage you're in, shopify.com slash Theo. You golf a lot, man. I golf too much. Do you? It's the only thing I love. If I'm not doing stand-up and work, it's the thing that escapes. I get to escape. I don't have to think about anything. Turn off my phone. Don't have to talk to anybody. Just go do it. It's honestly just a way to hang out with friends and goof and feel like a kid. Remember when we were kids?

1:10:26Yeah. You would just hang out. You didn't need a reason to hang out. You would just hang out. Now, you've got to have a thing. You could knock on your friend's door and get, is William home? Yeah. He'll come outside What's going on? Nothing You would just sit and hang You didn't need An end game There was no like Purpose And we don't do And you get older And then you stop doing that Yeah And you're like Come over And they're like Why? I just want to say hi No Nah dude See? I got a wife Yeah I got a wife dude I can't do So then now golf is a Let's go hang out Yeah Let's just go putz around And hang out Yeah In the sun Be outside I mean which I don't like That's my biggest Bill Burr's always like you're gonna get cancer keep golfing you're gonna get cancer keep it up keep it up see what happens that's what he says all the time I said I like it I enjoy it I just put on as much as I sunscreen you know whatever whatever man what am I gonna do not enjoy it yeah you gotta be alive yeah and Jelly Roll too what other impersonation what's one you do that I really love Jelly Roll Jelly Roll I just saw he came to the comedy store with him and MGK and they were then they went to Saddle Ranch and Jelly Roll for people that don't know Saddle Ranch is a mechanical bull in the center of the bar.

1:11:44He got on it? He set the record. Nuh-uh. Yeah, he set the record for longest bull ride with arms in the air. Some people have to hold on. Jelly Roll had arms up. You're lying. No. Bring it up. He set the record for longest bull ride at Saddle Ranch on Sunset. Jelly Roll did? And it didn't even look hard to be honest with you. It looked pretty easy. Well, were you looking at the bull? not much of a different i mean it looked kind of seamless now reports from the bull we got a report back from the bull just a different story for the bull mgk machine photograph of the young fan at ronnie wreck and jelly rolls performance at saturn's there's no video of jelly roll on the bull they got to be something hey yeah they had to have him on the bull unless you know he probably requested no videos during that time it could be it maybe it was like a special thing and people weren't allowed to video then that little kid looks like Like he's going, that's a little young for a jelly roll, an MGK show, but yeah, you see, I guess.

1:12:38Yeah. That's, that is your future ticket, ticket, you know, ticket buyer. What else is going on, man? You know, honestly, nothing. I'm, I'm taking the summer down. I'm going to. Yo, what are you guys going to do? You taking a vacation? Yeah. Going to Hawaii in a week, two weeks. What part? I'm going to, uh, I'm not going to say it out loud now that I think about it. Yeah. But I'm going to a spot that I've never been to before in Hawaii. and we just want to have like a little getaway. But we, I don't go to the, I don't go to like. You and your wife? Yeah, I don't go to exotic locations just to like go to the beach.

1:13:08So we're doing stuff. I want to go do stuff. We're taking like a guided hike tour. We're doing a, they give you a, we're going to rent a Jeep and go like tour the island in these little spots they tell you to go to. Yeah, it's fun. I want to do a spearfishing class. Take me out there and learn how to huck, dude. Dude, that would be sick. I want to do that. I want to spearfish so bad. Dude, we had a show the other night. Amir K was on the show too, and he fishes. He's good, huh? He's good. He brought fresh sashimi to the show. Did he really? Oh, yeah, he goes out and catches it. He's done this before.

1:13:52I've seen this. And he just shows up. We had a bottle of soy sauce on them or something. We were just sitting there slurping it, dude. It's good, huh? God, it was so good. Fresh from the... When it's fresh, it's the best thing in the world. Catch and eat is so, so good. Yeah, that's one thing. Like, I would love to do that. I would love to sneak up on an animal and kill it right there and eat it. Yeah. My brother made squirrel at 4th of July. And one girl showed up and ate all the fucking squirrel. this bitch kind of i guess i should say that well it's a pretty self-involved well there's all this squirrel don't have a lot of meat on it how much meats on a squirrel i mean you got to catch a bunch of them to make anything good i mean he had like four or five my brother's kind of you know he's a wildcat he put on facebook he moved into like this rural area and put on facebook anybody having trouble with squirrels hit my line right and so uh yeah the amount of meat on a squirrel can vary three ounces that's not a lot Jesus fuck I wouldn't even kill let it live yeah leave it alone you gotta have enough substantial meat for me to kill you I can't kill you if you don't have enough meat I'm not killing yeah so this is why I'm not a fan of shrimp there's not enough there yeah I'd rather kill something that has a lot of something to eat yeah like I don't need like crawfish I don't need little tiny a bison a buck I want something Russian thick yeah yeah thick yeah something that's worthwhile yeah 100 % dude um what else happened But life is good this summer.

1:15:21I'm going to take it off and just relax. Yeah, how long is the trip going to be? And what else are you going to do? A week and some change. And then I'm going to come back and I'm going to go to Chicago to see family. I'm going to do a couple of charity events, which I'm trying to get into more. Yeah. I like that, man. I think I want to do more and more and more. for like all the stuff that I really like is like involving um children's charities for kids with cancer or debilitating injuries or you know I don't know like I want to support adults that are sick but kids that are sick to me gets my heart first yeah if adults are sick it's kind of their fault a lot of times you did it yeah yeah yeah and you've also had enough right you've eaten enough you've had enough all right let somebody else have some yeah I think yeah catching up with kids is really important.

1:16:07And it's like we've been so fortunate just to even have some of like, to be able to have some of the fun and opportunities and neat things. You know, I started thinking about that too. It's like, I got to create more of a way to do something more positive, you know? For young people, because it's, they, you know, if you can help the next generation of whatever it is, that's like what you do in comedy, bringing people out and introducing new comics to the world. That's an important thing. So in the other side of it, I want to try to, you know, like St. Jude's and all that stuff, Children's Hospital.

1:16:33And like, I think those are important. So I'm going to do that, and then I'm going – I get to throw out the first pitch at Wrigley. No. Yeah, and sing the seventh-inning stretch. No, let's go, dude. Yeah, thank you, dog. I'm excited. September 9-6, September 6, I do it. And I sent the email from the Cubs. The Cubs reached out, and I sent the email to my dad, and my dad wrote back, you finally made it. You finally made it. Of all the things I've achieved, this is the only thing. He was like, good, you finally did it. Yeah. Yeah. Sean Dunstan would be proud, he would. Yeah, baby. Yes, he would. He said Andre Dawson.

1:17:08Yeah, Andre. He said, now Andre Dawson can rest. Finally. Yeah. Puts it down. Wow, dude. No, that's amazing. I grew up watching the Cubs, man. My grandfather played like AAA ball in Chicago or Iowa whenever their farm team used to be over there. He played for one of their farm teams a long time ago. And so we would sit all the time and watch the Cubs, you know, just because the WGNO, you know. Yeah, the WGN, yeah. John Dunstan, Rick Sutcliffe. Ryan Sandberg. Oh, dude. When I was a kid, I thought his name was Ryan, by the way. His name's Ryan. No. Yeah, all these years. I thought when I was a child, I thought his name was Ryan Sandberg.

1:17:42No, his name's Ryan. Look it up. It's Ryan. Your name's Ryan? Ryan, yeah. Like an orange outside? R-Y-N-E. Ryan. I thought it was Ryan all these years. Dude, I traded 70 of his cards as Ryan Sandberg. Yeah. How did he misspell his own name? I know, poor guy. Poor guy. Ryan Sandberg. Yeah, Sandberg, Mark Grace, legends. Yeah, dude, I got to meet Mark Grace one time, dude. I was sitting in a bar. He was sitting in a bar, and my buddy told me he was there, so I went up and pulled up, and he had some great stories, dude. Those guys are just – that baseball was just a, you know, a different game, man.

1:18:22I mean, every sport is, but something about baseball. Because they used to – you know, Harry Carey, our notorious announcer that Will Ferrell did that people know, he was a blackout. I mean, he was drunk 90 % of the time. Yeah. And still held it together enough to get to the stadium on time, drink about 13 old styles. Yeah. And just make it through. You can't do that anymore. Look at that guy. He's 26 right there. Yeah.

1:18:52He hit on my mom one time. Nuh-uh. Yeah, one time he hit on my mom. Really? That was great. Yeah, it could have been Harry Carey's son. She blew it. She dropped the bag. Fuck, dude. Yeah, he flirty with you. He goes, hey, hey, pretty lady. Yeah. Look at it. Hey, hey, pretty lady. The best one was. Look at these ladies. They're the triple. Yeah, right. Look at the cans on that one. Look at the stems on this bra. Double time. Yeah, he hit on my mom. So, yeah, I get to go throw the first pitch in September. That'll be a big deal for me. And then go see the Bears. So cool, dude. Home opener. Do you ever go to Titans games in Tennessee?

1:19:33Sometimes I do. What I like about Titans is it's very casual there. It's like nice fans, good, not crazy. It's not like you're Philadelphia. No lunatics. No, no real lunatics. It's like just safe. Yeah, play that up right there, Harry Carey. Yeah, this is great. Carrie back at Wrigley Field. Well, she wasn't in the right field bleacher yesterday, Arnie.

1:19:58well some of the lovely sights you see i mean that was the thing about wrigley they used to wear people would wear like g-string bikinis into the in the outfield that's that's america yeah they got to bring some of that shit back. Well, when they talk about make America great again, that's what we're talking about. Yeah. G-strings in the outfield. We're not talking about anything else. We're just talking about that. Yeah, just let things be, man. Let things be fun. Everything now has a rule or it's fucked up or something, dude. Everything has a rule. That's a really good call. Everything has a rule now.

1:20:41It's like... Can't do that. Yeah. Can't do that. Oh, you can't do it like that. You gotta do it like this. You gotta do this. But I don't know if that's because we just humans ruined it. Yeah, we did. That humans ruined it all. That's all our fault. We fucked it up. Instead of letting things be and just trying to enjoy things, we fucked it up. We just want—we're greedy. We're selfish. We're self-involved. We don't care about each other. Because if we really cared about each other, we wouldn't go out of our way to try to hurt people or bring people down. We don't care. It's a bad thing. well and if some people if once there's some bad apples other apples start to be like i i think there can be a tendency bad rubs off yeah it kind of rubs off or you have to also get bad now to be able to take care of yourself you know to be you got to bring yourself to a different level um you're a good apple thanks man you're you've always been a good apple you are too and you know what um i think the older we get in life and career the more i start to really see through the smoke of all the bullshit and start to care about what I really care about.

1:21:53Like things that you look, I guess you really learn what really matters. It's stuff that your parents would say or older people would say to you. And all those cliches are true. It really is true that you just, you slow down, you step back, you start to kind of see things for what they really are. And you start to just cherish things that matter. You don't give a shit about the other stuff anymore. Yeah. I don't care about small stuff as much as I used to. It just doesn't matter. You just got to enjoy it. Yeah, I think some of that, it is wild if you're able to get some age, that you're able to get some perspective.

1:22:26It is nice. But that was, what is that, Bobby Lee with Richard Simmons? Yeah, Richard Simmons just passed away, man. And some on the internet are saying this is Bobby's fault. I wouldn't be surprised. God, Bobby was... Well, he was a Japanese girl at one point, and then he... Zoom in on that. No wonder Richard's on him like that. Right. Really cute. God. really cute Richard wow that looks AI for some see that also looks fake oh wow it's just crazy to see I bet Richard teased him or just touched his neck well I think it's vice versa Bobby is a big tease Bobby well he said he let some guy eat his butt or whatever one time one time he's been involved in some crazy stuff yeah I think a few times Yeah, that's what's crazy.

1:23:17I think I would not want some guy to do that to me. No, not for me. Look, it's hard to be a business partner and one of my best friends with someone that I respect so little. It's tough.

1:23:33I love him to death. He's my perfect, he's my comedy compliment. I've never met somebody more that I feel the most in tune with comedically. Really? just because he's he's um it just feels like we our brains connect on a just a dumb perfect level and i understand him and he gets he gets me and he knows what gets me mad and i know what gets him mad it's just one it's something about it's so fun yeah i feel like a kid when i'm with him whenever we get together it's the most fun i've said this a hundred times it's the best thing that's ever happened in my career of all the shit i've done of all the things that i could be like that was cool.

1:24:11I'm proud of that. This is by far the most fun I've ever had in my life. It's a, it is a blessing from the universe. And thank God me and that little dumpling are together. Cause it's the, it's the most fun I've ever had. I've never had that much fun in anything in my career. No, no crushing on stage, no TV show accolade. Really? Nothing. Wow. It feels so fun because it's so free. Oh, you guys have a blast, man. I mean, you guys have created a top 20 podcast together. I mean, it's unbelievable. Yeah. You know, it's, it's you, it's what you've gotten to do. You know, it's, isn't this rewarding?

1:24:48This is like how fun I get to have fun. But you've also got to do so much acting. Um, does it compare? Do you feel like now that you've had a good taste of both? Does one really compare? Are they two totally different things? Obviously they're different. Such different animals, but I mean, they're both rewarding and they're, I mean like the acting is rewarding in its own little way. I like the acting stuff. if I get to work with people that I'm impressed by. That's what it, you know what I'm saying? Like that's, to me, it's like, if I do something with someone that I'm intrigued by or impressed by their skills and ability, it's cool to see people do cool work.

1:25:20It's just a cool thing to watch. Oh, yeah. You know, like when you see a pro, like, you know who the most pro dude on earth? I think John Cena might be the most pro dude on earth. Yeah, he was on Whiskey Ginger, yeah? He's the man. Yeah, he's responsible. He's smart. He's sweet. He's caring. He's hardworking. he's such a fun nice like wonderful dude he's a pro he's he is a pro i don't even know how to like articulate it the right way but incredible gracious sweet it never steps on toes never is disrespectful to anybody never has an ego about anything it's wild he is a lesson in life i've tried to like i watch him when we were working together i was like this dude is he's a g we're I think what we have to remember sometimes is we're comics, so something is fucked up about us.

1:26:08We were in that returns basket, remember? 100%, dude. We went right back. You know what I'm talking about? When you see the sale basket or whatever, or the 40-cent candles or whatever, and you're like, this bitch ain't going to burn. It's like that. So a lot of times I feel like I'll compare myself to other, or in some ways I'm like, God. But then I got to remember, something was wrong with me. But it's in a good way. Right, in a good way, because we were able to maneuver it enough. Right. And make it worth something. Right. We're the, you know, we are the, we're the shopping cart with the wobbly wheel, the one that nobody wants.

1:26:40Yeah. Yeah. That's we're, we're that we're wobbly wheel. And you know what? When you do take it, you do realize it's kind of fun. It's funny. It goes off on its own. It'll hit the wall a few times, but it's fun. It's kind of fun. Oh, it'll be a right into a fucking cute mom. It might help you out. Yeah. We're the wobbly wheel. And you know what? That's, but that's, you're right. We are different. We're a different species. And we feel it. Sometimes we feel threatened because people don't get us or we're weird or we try weird shit. You know, you try a joker a bit and it doesn't work and people are like, what?

1:27:16But that's the beauty of it. If you didn't have that, everything would be real formatted and real simple. So they, those other people from the other side of it, they love to see us try because they don't do that. You know what I mean? like I've had a bunch of people actors say to me I say oh man I don't know how you want to improv those lines like why why do you want to try and do that I say well because that's the adventure the risk is amazing if you get something out that's worth it and good it's like it's just telling a new joke that works you know when you when you write a new joke and it works oh the first time you're like goo hoo it feels incredible it's the same thing as when you land a good line yeah it's the same feeling oh I love that the other day somebody said enigma and I was like careful careful Careful.

1:27:59Just don't say enigma. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You can't hard R enigma. I can let you get, like, you know, I told you to upset the fucking neighbors, you know? They'll accept enigma. If you're going to say that, say that inside. You have to enigma inside. Keep those enigmas inside. What's life like? You don't have a family yet. No family, no kids. I don't think I'm going to. Really? Yeah, I don't think so. You'd be such a fun dad, man. I would, but you know what I'd like? Like at this age in my life, I think is now, you know, 40. Once the 40 number is real, I think I'd be willing to adopt and try to give someone a good life.

1:28:40Wow. Yeah, I think because at this age, it'd be hard to start with a baby as older as because I feel older. And it'd be tough. And so I think that. Really? Yeah. Well, dude, I'll be 80 when they're 40. Yeah, but that's their problem. them yeah but i'd rather adopt a kid put him into a phenomenal situation i feel like at this stage in my life it would be cool to give someone a better life who had yeah a tough life because a lot of kids have these these you know man you see a lot of this stuff and you see how hard certain young people have it and and there's you know there's no hope and i've been blessed in life i'm so lucky so it's like why not give someone else a good opportunity.

1:29:23I don't know. Yeah. It'd be cool if they had a contest too, to be your kid. Yeah. Well, that was how, that's how I would organize it. They'd have to show off somehow. I'd want to see their skills and abilities and talents. I would rank them. I have a set system at home that I've written out. How high can you jump? You know, I basically put them through a combine. You know what I mean? I make my kids run the 40. Oh yeah. That great joke about, uh, Max, but people coming over the border that they should have to go through a American Ninja Warrior course. Yeah. You want to get into the country, man.

1:29:49I want them in here. I just, I want to see and work for it a little bit. That's what I'm saying, bro. You gotta fucking, we want the best. Yeah, we can't just have anybody, but that should be the standard. Oh, I think so. And then also, you can have rich people bet on it like in the distance. And use that money. And use that money. Yeah, that's exactly right. Well, look, when Europeans came over for Ellis Island, you had to be able to do 10 push-ups, otherwise they wouldn't let you in. They'd turn you back around. 10 push-ups, you had to get back on the boat and go back. So that's a standard. We need to set some kind of standard.

1:30:17Yeah, now you can show up with asthma and we'll fucking, we'll give you an inhaler we'll give you a fucking free wheelchair thanks so much for coming dude and the new tour what's it going to be called the freeze peach tour freeze peach tour if you say it you'll know it the freeze peach I love that dude the freeze peach one of my rise up lights oh yeah yeah yeah I love that I'm so jealous y 'all going to Australia Dude I have I love it down there Me too Because I shot that movie with Cena and them in Melbourne And it was just Did it come out? I loved it Huh? Did the movie come out? Yeah yeah it's on Amazon Prime Ricky Stenicki on Amazon Prime Oh you're on Ricky Stenicki Oh wait I don't know if I saw that or not Yeah Me and Cena and Efron and Jermaine Fowler And then I feel horrible I didn't even see this No it's all good brother Come on man it's fun man it's a fun movie Fairley did it Pete Fairley the guy that did Dumb and Dumber and William H.

1:31:25Macy in the background holding it down who was phenomenal William H. Macy dude he's unbelievable you ever seen the door to door salesman movie where he's selling soaps no what movie is that he's incredible dude he is put up door to door soap salesman see what you get there he's so good man he was such a the story of Bill Porter Bill Porter he's such a cool smooth slick dude and he he lives out he lives out in the mountains does he? in California? no not in California no he lives out in the mountains wow door to door there he is and he's a and he's a soap salesman oh there we go Bill Porter a man of remarkable spirit he'll touch your heart he'll change your life yeah he was mentally challenged or whatever and they let him sell a little bit of soap dude I used to work as an assistant this dude sold Italian food or semi-Italian or whatever door to door and so I think he was trying to date my mom or something so he gave me a job like just like cruising going along with him and stuff that's kind of nice that's pretty cool except I remember all he had to take like a cold cart with him and all the stuff was so cold because he had to sell it refrigerated yeah I remember I'd fucking he'd like get the clams or whatever and I was like I'd fuck it up you know like I fucking I was like I don't want to be in the workforce I want to be handicapped you just want But you want someone to date your mom who's not cumbersome in their job.

1:32:51Yeah. That's the cumbersome job. Yeah. The guy you want to date your mom, you want a guy in like, you know, not regular sales, not door-to-door sales. You want him to like call on customers. Yeah. Phone. Yeah, yeah. We didn't. Desk job, dad. A desk job. That's what I had. My mom remarried and my stepdad was a sales guy, but he, you know, phone, desk job. Right. You know, go to an office, say, hey, Karen, coffee, water cooler, lunch, lunch at, you know, lunch at Bucca de Beppo. Oh, Bucca de Beppo. Yeah. Bucca de Beppo. Yeah. Get the whole crew out there. You know, my dad likes, we buy my dad his only gift every year, birthday, Christmas, same gift every time I get him a gift card.

1:33:39to the Olive Garden. Oh, yeah. That's what I get him every time. That's his favorite thing. It's all he wants. He goes and he sits there and he has the Zupa Toscana and the breadsticks. And he'll eat and eat and eat and eat until they tell him, sir, you know, let's not overstay our welcome.

1:34:00Like your family, but... But extended. You know? Yeah. Take a walk. That's all I do. We buy him the Olive Garden. If you've ever shut down an Olive Garden, You got a fucking problem. That's all I'm going to say. Dude, my dad used to, he would go drink sometimes at this place called Tony Padone's. That was the name of the place. I love the name of that. Tony Padone's. Tony Padone's. And so we'd go over there and the lady, he'd be like, oh, run up and down the bar real quick and the lady will give you a candy right there. I remember that. She just wanted to see you sprint? Yeah, but on the bar, yeah, I'd fucking spread down there and spread right back.

1:34:39And they'd give me a little chocolate. Yeah, well, I was going to say, which one was it? Was it a good candy or one of those like - It was a Hershey Kiss, usually. I love me a Hershey Kiss. They were good. They're just a - Look, you know what Hershey Kiss is? It's not trying to do shit. Yeah. You know what we are. Here I am. You know what we are. We're Christian chocolates. Yeah. God loves us and we love you. Yeah, we're not getting fucking weird. Yeah, we're not - I'm not filling my fucking butt with caramel like somebody's fucking queers. Yeah, dude. How are you doing? This is Tony Padone's.

1:35:06We give original American God-given chocolate. Hershey kiss, in and out. Dude, I wanted to do this thing called the chocolate shoulder challenge. So you take a Hershey kiss, right? You put one on each shoulder, okay? And then you try to eat it all. Oh, my God. How? It is. But without making this one fall. Is that what it is? Right. Yeah, right. That's so hard. You can't make one fall. It is fall. It's unbelievable. I don't have that kind of neck mobility. That's my problem. No one does. Yeah. But every now and then Somebody will do it Like a Well it gotta be somebody With a nice long neck Who's got a long neck In the comedy game Uh There's gotta be someone We know who's Kirk Fox maybe He's necky He's extremely necky He's necky He's got that tennis body Tennis neck Lanky necky Yeah Looking over the net Love love Mmhmm All love There he is Kirk's so funny dude He was in my favorite movie The Patriot One of the funniest comedians I think Working Also one of the funniest Just people to be around Like right when you walks up, you kind of...

1:36:06There's just something about his energy. The joke is already kind of set up. Yeah, do the picture to the left of that, or to the right of that one that you have on right now. I mean, that's as necky as it gets. Yes. That guy could kill the Hershey Challenge. Oh, he's a fucking necrophiliac, dude. If he dies, yeah, people are going to order... They're going to get a... They're going to get three and a half ounces out of his neck. A big time. Well, you know, his casket is already designed. He said he pre-bought it to one of those... You know those, you know, like a magician when he cuts those so as a woman in half and her head is outside of the casket but the whole body's inside he has that exact same one oh wow yeah because his neck is long enough that they couldn't they said he'd have to break his neck to smush it in there so his head'll be out it's tough well it's a crazy thing when they bury you some people they have to break they're like to save money they're like we can break your arms and legs and move them closer to your body so you have a little less square footage and I'm like just fucking throw me in a dump truck don't fucking don't sit there and break my I don't want some guy in a basement of a YMCA at night breaking my fucking bones to save 85 bucks.

1:37:09Spend the extra 85. But it's just like, Jesus Christ, man. Just slide me off a cliff. Slide me off a cliff. I don't know. Just put me down in a ravine. That's like I learned. You know the song The Way? Where were they going without ever knowing the way? Remember that? Yeah. Anyone can see the road that they walk on his pick. Okay, so I learned online that song is about a story that the lead singer read about a couple. Right. Look at the history of the way. It's about an old couple who used to vacation somewhere. And she had dementia and he was old. It's tragic. And they would take this trip. That's the couple.

1:37:53And they got lost. And Austin-based couple, right. Austin-based couple, fastball. top the charts with their hit song The Way. Yes. And this real couple, the story is so sad. They like would go to the same location. I think it was like Zion or something like that or the Archers. And they drove somewhere and they got lost in the dementia. They wandered until they were found dead in like a ravine. No. Crazy. Yeah, yeah. They wandered and got lost. So that song, as beautiful as it was when we were young, I mean, young people don't know that song at all, but it's about this old couple getting lost.

1:38:28it's the darkest shit it's a dark story wow yeah it says for Layla and Raymond Howard the tradition was pioneer day that's right in temple right and they would drive there and they would just go and they right showing symptoms of memory loss and he had had brain surgery and they just got out of their car and they started walking and they just disappeared where were they going without ever knowing Isn't that so creepy now that you hear that? As a kid, I sung that song being like, Anyone can see the road. I thought that was a great song. And here I am, just two senior citizens just dehydrated, dying behind a fucking rock.

1:39:09Just buzzards pecking their head apart. It's terrible. Fastball. The song's lyrics, this is way better, thank you. The song's lyrics revolve around a couple who decided to leave their lives behind by going out driving without telling their children about their plans. Their car breaks down during the trip and they continue on foot. but the course expresses the idea that the couple are achieving happiness by losing touch with the world, even though they may never see their home again. Wild. Wild. Sad. Do you ever have a thought about... Disappearing? Disappearing, yeah. Sometimes I think about like...

1:39:41Like Tupac and... Maybe like two more. Oh, dude, when I was in... We tried to like fake my death or something a while back, maybe like 11 years ago or something. Well, if you got this staff, can't help. I mean, Nick is going to blow it. There's no doubt he'll blow that easily, dude. He'll leak the conversation. Yeah, he's going to leak the plans. But what happened? Oh, my buddy Paul, he's like, dude, we should fake your own death. I think there's some money in it or whatever. And I was like, oh, fuck, well, what do I have to do? And he's like, you just be quiet and just go out to Palm Springs or something for a couple months or go to Syracuse or something.

1:40:19Yeah. And I'm like, oh, shit, man. And I think I did like three days or something. And then I was like, ah, fuck it, dude. I'm going to live again. And so he'd like called a couple people and been like, oh, I think something's happened to Theo or something. So then he just called him back and I was like, oh, no, no, no. He's just fine. You can't be. He's in Sacramento or whatever. It's too hard to go through with it. But if I feel like if I was going to disappear, I would go. I'm telling it now. Come find me. I'll be most likely in Banff National Forest. It's the most beautiful place I've ever seen in my entire life.

1:40:51Look up Lake Louise. This might be the prettiest place I've ever seen. And Banff is huge. Banff was the first time I saw a real Canadian moose. I didn't realize they were as big as a school bus. I got out of my car with my buddy EP. We were laughing so hard. I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe how fucking big it was. That's Lake Louise. Wow. Stunning. Banff National. Anywhere. Lose me in Banff. That's where I'll be. I'll be in the woods. Lose me in Banff. Love me in Banff. That might be the story too. Love me in Banff, baby. If you find someone. Yeah. Lose me and love me in Banff. It's just something about it up there.

1:41:21It's so peaceful and – Do they have a summertime? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that right now. It's stunning. Go swimming. The most beautiful place I've been to I think is – or one place I really liked was this place, Lake – Ancy, France. Can you look it up? A-N-C-Y, A-N-C-Y. Oh, there it is, Ancy, France right there. Wow. There's this – they have like a beautiful lake there like right in this small town. It's really, really cool. How'd you end up there? With my girl. We were backpacking years ago. Beautiful. There it is right there. Wow. Just like a nice little place there in the hills. You get you a little backpacking.

1:42:01That was nice. We just were taking a train and just stopped there. NEC. NEC France. France NEC. Theo. Oh, yes. Theo Vaughn. Do you know Theo Vaughn? One of my favorite comedian, Theo Vaughn. It is a nice. It is a pleasant. Their accent in English is pleasant. It makes you feel like you're good. Yeah. Yeah. Because so many others don't. Yeah. Like when a chum is saying to you something, you're like... Yeah. Yeah. It just... Well, yeah, I went to Jamaica and two guys, you know, I went... We went into a Starbucks, right? Founds out it was not a Starbucks. We go in. Somebody stole the sign and put it up outside of their business, right?

1:42:40So we go in. You immediately... You're like, this isn't a fucking Starbucks. There's couches and shit, dude. Yeah. There's no cake pops here. Yeah. There was a hammock. I was like... And then somebody goes, welcome to the Starbucket Lounge. And we're like, where the fuck are we? Did we turn to go and leave? Knife fight, dude. Really? Oh, my God. Beyond B, knife fight in the street, dude. Well. Urban cutlery, dude. That's it, bro. Just butter knives? Just a couple of Zorro brothers out there stabbing each other, dude. What else, man? And what happened with you and Bobby Althoff? Do you remember that?

1:43:19Yeah, it was fun. It was really, really fun. Dude, you were so funny on there. She was – it was easy to kind of play into this world that she does. She stays in the world of like – she was doing like musicians, and then she was doing – then she would just do like high-level celebrities like Cuban and all these guys, and I had so much fun with her because she had said – they originally – they pitched me – Her team pitched me, do you want to teach her how to golf? No, I'm sorry. Teach her how to do stand-up. I said, absolutely not. But I said, I am going to go golf next week. You want to meet and I can teach her how to golf or we can do a golf thing.

1:44:02And that's how this stuff was born. And she showed up late with a big attitude. Oh, yeah. She's kind of like a black woman a little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little tiny black woman. And I started, I was, you know, just goofing with her the whole time. and it was so much fun. Now she's, you know, off and running. She's got a whole, her career like exploded now. Her podcast is bigger than ever. She stays busy, man. Yeah, I saw her at Formula One. She was there and some of her friends, they were having a great time. I wanted to go to that. I wanted to go to that so bad. It's too confusing. It's like, you don't know what's going on and everybody's like rich and everything.

1:44:36You're like, what the fuck? So rich and it's all, but you don't really get to see anything. That's the worst part of the pit. It's down here. You're like this. It's like being, that's the irony of the best seats in a football game are not all the way down because you're this I agree front row is trash yeah you can't you're doing this all the time if even somebody comes to my show and they're in front row I'm like god it sucks dude they're doing this the whole time their neck is craned their neck is the Las Vegas crane the whole time dude what was one of the early concerts you ever went to do you remember one of the very first concerts I went to probably well I remember I think this one sticks out for some reason I don't know if it was one of my first but no doubt I saw them and a band called Face to Face do you remember those guys?

1:45:22Face to Face Face to Face Face to Face and No Doubt were playing I wish it was a night is that them? no no no they were Face to Face to Face that's you're thinking about that's Duran Duran I think where I could no that's no that's no that's Culture Club but I think Face to Face and No Doubt were one of my first and then Wow, who took you to that? I probably was 16 or 17. Love her, dude. I think she's one of the greatest. Tragic Kingdom. That album is so, so good. I became a teenage girl while listening to that. I was like, this is my girl phase. Oh, I cried at school when someone sang Jewel once.

1:46:02Oh, yeah. Well, that'll hit you hard. And I just, I'd never heard a woman sing. And then you hear her regular talk and she's like. Oh, it's just something in the New Orleans Avenue. It's so good. Yeah. That, and then I saw, and then the Up and Smoke tour. Up and Smoke? Look that up if that's right. Cypress Hill? Yeah, Up and Smoke tour. Oh, yeah, I was at that day. It was like Method Man and Red Man. Cypress Hill. It was anybody black or white with weed. Right, right, right. That was it. That whole tour was just fucking. Yeah, Dre, Eminem. And the crazy thing was, you were so high, they could have told you somebody was on stage.

1:46:40You'd have been like, yeah. Wouldn't have mattered. Yeah, didn't even know. Nate Dogg never was there they put him on every picture I never saw Nate Dogg once live they probably just used him like he was late to every show yeah he just never showed up that's like Boss Man D-Lo was supposed to come on the pod and fucking just bailed 20 minutes after he's like I ain't coming thanks man thanks for the heads up thanks man dude you've been demoted to assistant boss brother I'll still listen to your music but not for two weeks yeah that was the first couple of those i saw the those like i saw d12 i saw eminem and d12 wow you listen to a lot of rap stuff and some gwen stephani dude yeah i remember we had a a fashion show at our school and some girl sang jewel and played the piano and i just never like i don't think had a i'd never really no woman ever really spoken nicely to me i don't think and it was like i didn't i just didn't even know what was going on it was emotional yes yeah and I just remember fucking bawling and then somebody yelled out, I was like, holy shit, dude, let me get these tears off.

1:47:46Get your shit together, dude. I was like, I'm only crying because I'm thirsty. And then I just fucking drank a bunch of it off my own face. It's like,

1:47:58that's actually more manly. Yeah. I'm thirsty. And then, you know what else I saw? I saw, uh, and then the other end of the spectrum was, uh, my buddy John took Martitius took me to see Bella Fleck the jam band world String Cheese all those guys I got to see all that stuff so I touched a lot of bases I wanted to I liked it I just wanted to go to live shows I loved live shows I'd go to almost any live show like if someone was like we're going to a live concert this band is playing you know blah blah blah Aragon Ballroom whatever okay I didn't even think twice I would go just because I was like this is an opportunity to go goof off and disappear with friends into the night.

1:48:40Yeah. Like I didn't, I wasn't really, I wasn't really picky. Now, which is crazy, I wish I should go to more shows. I don't go to as many shows because we work in entertainment. It's hard. You work at nights when shows happen. It's tough. It's just hard. I was just looking today. I was like, what shows can I go see? I saw Red Clay Strays recently. They're great if you get to see them. Dude, I remember, yeah, we got so, I think we went to 311 a couple of times when I was in school. That was always fun. They were phenomenal, man. And we went, we were leaving. Oh, yeah, we were leaving. I fucking drilled some dude with my car, right?

1:49:16Hit his car. Oh, I thought you said hit the guy. No, thank God he was in his car when I hit him. Get out of my car, run up to his window. He goes, dude, I'm so sorry, dude. He was so fucked up, he fucking thought he hit me. Apologize to you. Do my bad. You're like, yes, you're bad. Yeah, dude, you got to fucking. You got to be careful, bud. Bro, these streets are small, dude. And then I went and got back in my car and took off. Fuck, that dude was fucked up. Another time I went to Green Day, that might have been the first I ever saw. The opening band for them, I was so high. I thought the opening band was Green Day.

1:49:53Sang every Green Day song while the opening band was up there. I think it was like Rusted Rooters. I don't know who it was, right? Sang all, and then fucking was ready to leave. My buddy's like, dude, they're not even on yet. Another time. You already had that Green Day show. Somebody gave me some fucking raccoon pills or something, and I was just fucking out there raccoon, you know, and I fucking couldn't see anymore. So I could only see with my hands, right? And so I wandered to the back and started feeling on a cop, dude. He fucking made me leave. And then what else happened good at a concert?

1:50:32Oh, there was one thing I was going to tell you. oh dude so the other night i'm in las vegas and my brother came right and it was fun we had a great time and then afterwards there's a restaurant in the wind called delilah right it's like a nice place yeah yeah i've been there it's like yeah f scott's fitzgerald's vibe you know it's pretty cool so we sit in there and uh fat joe was in there so he goes on stage joey crack right terror squad love him and at first like it's going pretty good you know some people are kind of into it some people aren't i'm standing up like kind of singing and cheering us up because a friend a friend of mine loves fat joe and they're close and so i wanted to be respectful right and uh but some people are in there being a little bit too cool but then he's like play another one man and they fucking play and then people are like oh shit he did that song too and then it kept fucking stacking up then he next thing you know because it was nba summer league or something going on there so the place starts getting packed he's been on stage for like 25 minutes then ja rules in there he fucking brings Ja Rule up, baby.

1:51:31Damn, dude. So then Akon is fucking, they were like, damn, Akon. He's out of prison. I thought he got deported, dude. And he fucking pulls him up, dude. He got a work release for him for about 10 minutes. Brings him up on stage. By the end, dude, Fat Joe. It was unbelievable, bro. That's what a show. It was so. And unexpected. You didn't know he was going on? No. Oh, that's wild. When that kind of stuff happens, that's unbelievable. When they're like, yeah, we'll just, I guess we'll just play a song. And someone shows up, someone shows up. I've heard about these, this is like lore to me. I've only been at shows that are supposed to happen.

1:52:07I've never been lucky with like, dude, and then it just turned into a concert. Yeah. Lucky boy. Before you get out of here, people see you with the Kelseys all the time. What's their life like now? Do you know any from when you first met them, kind of? Do things seem any different? They're definitely, you know, it's, fame and popularity are interesting and kind of scary. So scary and weird. I mean, I met Travis a while ago. Jason, I'm new to know. I met him through Travis. And Travis is, I've said this before and I mean it. He's been the same since I met him. If I texted him now and said, joking around about something, he would joke just as we were back then.

1:52:51I think, you know, he's much busier now than he's ever been because of his life and his growth in his career. And then the confluence of him dating the most famous woman on earth is wild. But he's 100 % the same cat. I mean, like, it's... I don't think I've ever experienced it that level where he's the same guy. Same guy. And he's bigger than he's ever been. But I don't know, man. He's always kind of been that dude. And I think he wasn't going to let this change him. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I'm not smart enough to understand. but well it's probably a good thing for sure I would hope so because he has to be in that league too it's like you know what I'm saying like yeah but it's like a different kind of stardom now it's weird oh that would be scary and it's critical it's crazy critical for no reason you know like the fans are they pick apart everything you wear everything you do everything you say in that Taylor Swift world so it's I know thank you I don't want that kind of we already get enough criticism as comics and most of the time it's like what do you we're fucking around like we're joking but with him it's got to be it's poignancy it's like everything has to be legitimized and talked about and I don't know how he handles it but he does it really well I think also he doesn't give a shit because he's just enjoying life do you think he's a government op there's been a lot of people that say that you know he has been coerced by the government many times to try to join forces and he refuses from what I know every time he calls me you know they offer him something to try to be a part of you know he's been offered to be play for the chargers 100 and he will not absolutely not no chance we're not doing that they asked him to move to brussels for a little while the government and he wouldn't do that so he's never he's never really gone through with it because there's no amount of money you could convince him and he's not going to do it he'll stand his ground kelsey is not going to work for the government he's a stand your ground guy he's stand your ground guy stand your ground he's a fight guy yes fight fight fight that was crazy wasn't it it's amazing if i get shot dude i'm out bro i'm crawling out even even my ear is someone as small as my ear the whole time yeah i'm crying i'm crying my ear my ear i'm certainly not fight that's a new level of bravery no i will just post fight on twitter i wouldn't even that's what twitter's for twitter is for when you get shot then you say then you post yeah i wish they would yeah try me one more time yeah i'm not saying and fight out loud.

1:55:21That's begging for another person. Do you see that Home Run Derby winner? Let's get you out of here. Who was that guy? Who won it? Titan Zane. And it's a child? That's a phenomenal name. Titan Zane. Titan Zane. That is an incredible name, dude. Yeah. You better be good at something, though. Six-year-old Titan Zane. Look at the size of that kid. Whoa, dude. That's a woman? My God. That's a guy. Wow. Jesus Christ Holy shit dude And look at the kids next to him They're a quarter of his size Damn dude that's incredible Titan Zane bro The turn is amazing Look at the turn The hips Belt facing the target It's all hip dude That's all hips dude Wow those Same height as Bobby too Which is crazy Yeah same weight Same height and weight Let me see that clip again Of him swinging I used to call him Blobby Lee That was the saddest It was mean but it was true.

1:56:20Oh, Titan Zane. The name is great. Oh! Oh! He was reaching for the stars. You know this guy, man. He was getting... That kid is scared. You see that kid step back. So scared, yeah. He couldn't handle it. Titan Zane. Dude, that's Uncrustables at its finest right there, baby. Oh, God. That's awful. Look at that, bro. Look at that freaking... Oh! Savage, bro. Good for that kid, man. St. Louis Pinto Tournament. Home Run Derby. Titan Zane. Good for you, TZ. That's what you got to adopt, dude. TZ. I would adopt 100%. Get a Polynesian. I'm looking for one. What brand do you go if you adopt, man? What do you got?

1:56:59Islands. Islands. Got to get an island. Yeah. Just because that little guitar they come with. Right. Yeah. It's part of the package. Oh. But you got to buy more strings. They break them often. But the craziest thing is it's like they take the biggest guy. Little guitar. That's poetry, baby. That's poetry. That's beautiful poetry. It's art. It really is. You don't get to see it much. New tour, Freeze Peach. Freeze Peach tour, new tour. I'm doing 20 some odd cities. Hell yeah. Are you going to Chicago? Yeah, playing Chicago theater. I think I'm not doing that till the new year. I think I'm in January.

1:57:41So some in the fall, some in the spring. Yeah, yeah. I tour through, I go through from September to February and then I end in February in Minnesota Minneapolis and Bad Friends isn't you guys are just banking some episodes yeah we're gonna do Australia we're touring in Australia in the middle of my tour and then we both are going to he's going to shoot something I'm gone he's getting popular again he had dinner last night with or not dinner they met up Michael Bay Michael Bay wanted to meet up with him really? yeah Michael Bay to hash some old beef Michael Bay had some beef with him apparently he had said something on the pod and Michael Bay was like I want to set the record straight so they met last night some Mongolian beef huh yeah dude some beef and broccoli this guy I'll show you the picture he was pretty impressive by the way he said to me he was nervous he was nervous but here that's him and Michael no way that's Michael Bay and who's that little fucking yeah I don't know he talked about it on Rogan that was the problem Michael heard about it and was like pan faced somebody called him that?

1:58:47He said. And it wasn't one of us? No, well, it was. I think he just heard it wrong. Right. We might have said it. Michael Bay produced it. He directed it. Yeah, yeah. And action. Let's do it again. Yeah, we did it like seven or eight times. Can you believe Michael Bay said that to him? No way. No, he didn't say it to him. That's why I think that's inflated. But he met with him last night, so I wonder. I'm going to, after this, we're meeting up, so I want to hear what he said. I'm curious to know how he directed his feelings. Oh, yeah. Look, I've got a dumpling of steam with you, Bobby. We're going to get to the bottom of this.

1:59:19I want to come and do Bad Friends, man. You got it, man. I'd love to. I appreciate it. Anytime. I would love to have you. Thank you for having me. Yeah, I'm glad we both went to this. It was amazing, man. One of the best shows. And if you have a chance, I don't know when this comes out, but they only got a couple weeks left of the tour. I think they end second week of August or something like that. They don't have much left. Yeah, I think they're on break for a little bit, and then they have one more week in Vegas, I think. Yeah, they do a couple back-to-backs, And then inside tip, if you are a dead and company fan or a dead fan at all, the rumor is that there is no plans to do it again.

1:59:53So who knows? This could be one of the last times. I mean, who knows? Might not be. Might be. Yeah, August. There you go. That's second week of August. And then that's it, baby. That's crazy. 1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 10. She gone. She gone. She gone. Congratulations on everything, dude. Thank you, Bill. Yeah. I feel fortunate that we've gotten to have to be able to work in the same field together. Yeah. Me too, man It's been amazing And I want to keep seeing you Shoot up into space And it'll be fun Well, as long as I I just want to shoot over there To Bad Friends And join you guys Come through Yeah, we want to have you Come through And just settle it all Because, you know Bobby, if there was There was a chance I was going to be the Bad Friend I heard, yeah To the grapevine And Bobby You know, I know he's not here You know I'm not going to say He led me on or whatever But I was just He does lead everybody in Does he?

2:00:43Yeah Which is ironic Because he's a follower Not a leader He leads people on But he's much of a follower Well He led the right guy In you guys' choice man I love you I appreciate you Love you too Thanks Andrew Thank you man Now I'm just floating On the breeze And I feel I'm falling Like these leaves I must be Cornerstone Oh But when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take Thank you.