E518 A Mall Cop

25:35And then by the time you've already like counseled him, you want to let him go. I actually wanted to let him go. But it was already in – like we were already in motion. I was like, bro, you fucked up. Like I already had to fuck you up. And now the cops are coming. The first ten minutes it was like, they're coming to get you, man. You're so fucked. And 20 minutes in it's like, are you thirsty, man? Yeah. You know, so literally cops took about two hours to get there. And by the time they got there, they're like, all right, so what's going on? It's like, oh, this guy was stealing, blah, blah, blah.

26:05He's the clone bandit. You know, we got, he's like, okay, so come with us. And then that was it. It was like, there was no fireworks at the end of this show. You know, it was, it was pretty, that's why I said it's pretty lame when you call them to come take them away. Cause it's like, you want them to drag them out and beat the shit out of them too. You know, just give them a little extra. Fuck them. Fuck yeah. Fuck them. Fuck yeah, dude. Somebody has to get beaten. There's something about game time. If you're going to a concert like I did recently, I went to see the Grateful Dead and Company at the Sphere.

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29:33That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash T-H-E-O, ZocDoc.com slash Theo. and then what about like we what is y 'all's relationship with the cops like you know they didn't like us too much just because we're a waste of their time you know calling them for stupid shit stealing and all that because if you catch somebody at like back then if you caught somebody you had to hold them you know it's different now you don't even call the cops nowadays i don't even know what the fuck they're doing now but they had that entitlement because we are cops. Oh, they show up like you're big dogs? Oh, yeah. Do they look at you?

30:11Yeah, what's you guys' relationship like? Is it simpatico or no? No, not. It was just like those movies. What does simpatico mean? Do you know? No, actually I don't. Yeah, look it up real quick. Do you mind? Kind of threw me off on that one. Sorry. No, you're good. I thought it was Spanish. Likeable and easy to get along with. Okay. No, we didn't definitely get along. It was like out of those movies, you know, when like the detectives are all sitting, like, so like the regular cops are there so say we're the regular cops we got it going on it's our area and then the FBI walks in they're like alright guys we're taking over go handle the perimeter type shit and that was our relationship with them it was always like it wasn't too much like oh man thanks a lot guys for doing your job and you know defending our country at the mall and shit it was just more like fuck what man like I was not doing anything now I'm doing something at the mall you know it's like and I actually had a cop tell me one time this motherfucker, I forget his name, I had to give him a whole description of what was going on, and the problem was is we didn't even have the guy.

31:13We had to just give a description of the guy who stole and the things he did to the car because he poured some bleach on a car or some dumb shit. So we're giving him all this description, and he literally turns at me and goes, yeah, if I wanted to be a mall cop, I would have been a mall cop and walked away. I was like, fuck, man. And what was he having issues? you guys were having issues with communication no he just the list of shit that i was giving him and just got too long for him yeah he was like okay so yeah i get it i get it so what was he wearing you know and i was like i told you that in the beginning you know i was like you could have cut that conversation off when you found out he was five two yeah you know it's like but i but some of it has got to be crazy like you got you you know you have a chinese guy or whatever pinned up against the wall for like you know getting a pair of loafers or whatever and then And the cop has to come.

32:00He's like, what the fuck are we doing down here? Yeah. Trust me. We were not on their radar of crime. You know, I feel like. So they wouldn't clue you guys in, like what was going on in the community and stuff? No. We didn't get no updates or nothing like that. What? No, they were like, we wouldn't know if there was a rapist in the area or anything or anything like that. You wouldn't? No, fuck. They didn't care about us. You know, and. You would think they would tell you if there was a rapist somewhere because, I mean, first of all, Well, one of the few places that everybody kind of goes sometimes is the mall, right?

32:32Pretty much. If you're a rapist, you still go to the mall. You have to. You have to buy clothes, right? Well, you got, I mean, you just, everybody goes, you know? So it's like, that's the kind of shit to me. It's like, you think you give those guys at least just information because they're just standing around all day. A lot of cops will use our parking lots for the hangout. You ever seen where like two cop cars like face each other? Yeah. That was our, like, and you can't go near them. You can't go, hey, Jim, what's going on? They're like, fuck away from us. Really? Yeah, it was weird. They had this whole bubble around them, because they would always park in our parking lots.

33:03Every mall I've ever worked at, there's always a pair of cops that will do the whole face in each other, like, you know, shit. Yeah, two cops touching fronts or whatever. Tip to tip, I love it. Fuck yeah, guys. But they didn't want us coming near them. We were never allowed to talk to them or anything, so we would just let them be in their little bubble. What type of overall crime goes down at the mall? Like, what type of crime are we talking about? A lot of stealing. Really? A lot of stealing, of course. And do you see people steal sometimes? Like, you'll see them? Can you tell after a while anybody could be a thief?

33:40Anybody can be a thief. Anybody. Man, I've seen moms, you know, stick shit in, like, kids' backpacks, you know, on camera. I'm like, what the fuck is going on here, you know? Anybody can be a thief. I've seen a group of sweet old Mexican ladies, you know, like, oh, and they're like, they're inviting you over for dinner and shit and this and that and the other. And you turn around, they're stealing the fucking car. You're like, whoa, you know, like, like anybody can steal from the mall. Damn. Like vandalism. That's not that's not really like a everyday crime. It's more of a crime when someone gets thrown out of a store and you want to break their door, kick their windows in and shit.

34:25Thinking you did something to a corporate company who's got millions of dollars. Like, well, I broke your$100 window. It's like, all right, cool. We're just going to replace that. Those are the crimes that we get at the mall sometimes. Fights. Fights are good. Really? Yeah, mall fights are good. Do people go to the mall to fight? You mean meeting at the mall to fight? Yes. Or you're saying just things happen at the mall and a fight happens? Like gang versus gang, you know. Really? Oh, yeah. Where at? Where was this at? Down in San Diego. In San Diego. Yeah, yeah. Back in the day, like, malls were always, like, where everyone just conjured up.

35:00You know, all the gangs, all the crews, everyone, like, after school or the ditch parties would go there. And some groups just didn't get along, you know. And next thing you know, you got this big fun riot brawl in the middle. And back then, you were allowed to get in it and fight with them and throw them down and stuff. And those were fun. really yeah yeah here's a mall these are kids um yeah there's a lot of kids off of school um these kids nowadays man they're ruthless i had it i was sick i was working a high-end department store and uh this kid literally walked right up to me he goes do you work for the store or the mall and i was like why and i could already tell he's about to steal all these gucci belts i'm like why he goes because if you work for the store you can't touch me and if you work for the mall you can't chase me and i was like fuck bro like it's all you then you know fucker stole belts right in front of me i was like get out of here man like because you can't do anything does it piss you off a little bit just it feels disrespectful yeah like right in your face and you're like It's trash.

36:11It's like, fuck you, little fucker. It's trash. Just because you can't afford the belt, you know. You don't come here and steal it. It's just kind of. And also, then if you're stealing something that's just a good, and it's not like a, it's a want, right? It's not a need or something or a snack or something like that, milk, bread, or something, oysters like that, then you're not, you're, it's your own choice at that point, you know. Pretty much. It's not you, like, needing to survive, you know. You don't need a Gucci belt to fucking pay, you know. Yeah, you can't eat a Gucci belt, man. Who's at the mall anymore, and how has that changed over time?

36:45Oh, man. So from the early 2000s till now, it's definitely a huge change. Everyone back then went to the mall, no matter what. Oh, yeah. I mean, you had the grandma. Like, in the morning, in the beginning of the morning, if you find the right mall, like, I worked at a mall in Minnesota. And that mall had, like, little mile markers through it. and you get the whole old person group coming out and do their power walking and shit. Oh, yeah. I love that. And so those are the days where you would see that transition about 9, 10 a.m. where all the old people leave, and then you get the adults coming in, you know, like get the sales and shit, and then once noon hit, if it's a weekend, then the kids start piling in.

37:25It's fucking, you know, the mall was functional back then. Yeah. It was like people watching was fun fucking back then. You know, like it was fun to watch. Now I feel like nobody cool goes to the mall. If you're like, and it's not like, I'm not saying it like that. It's just like, yeah, you go to the mall now for like direct service. You're like, all right, I'm going to here to get this and I'm leaving. A lot of people don't hang out at the mall no more. It's not like, let's go to fucking Cinnabon and grab us some, uh, Wetzel's pretzels, you know, shout out to Wetzel's pretzels, by the way. By the way, if you notice Wetzel's pretzels, you can only find in a mall.

37:57I swear. Really? Yeah. Think about it. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. Wow. Mall food. Yeah. Mall food is definitely something. Yeah, dude, the mall was such a place. I mean, we would sleep overnight outside of there. Hell yeah. We would, yeah, your friends, you'd go. I remember during summer camp, one of our field trips would be to the mall. We'd all go to the mall. People would wish in the fountains that were at the mall, you know. They'd have, yeah, what else would we do there? You'd just go in to see the different stores, walking down the mall. You'd stop at that candy store that had all the different candies.

38:34You'd go in the Bed Bath & Beyond Or the Candle store and do that The Disney store The fucking Disney store That shit was fucking clutch Mexicans love that store too Why bro Why though really I liked it bro It's not racist if it's true and I stick by this If you can't afford to go to Disneyland Then the Disney store was the next best thing They had little fucking things I loved the Disney store man The Disney store was so good bro The original Disney stores. They still have them, but the OG Disney stores, when they were like, hi, welcome in, and Tinkerbell would come flying by, and you're like, fuck it, I'm here.

39:14Dude, you're right, bro. There was nothing like the Disney store. We used to get, they used to have the shirts with the characters coming out of the pocket. Goofy would hang off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a big thing, man. I remember I'd get my siblings Christmas gifts and stuff from there a lot of times, nightgowns or something. You could get your sister like something she wanted, you know. Oh, dude. Yeah. Hey, no bullshit. One time, me and my friend Young Dave, shout out Young Dave. Love you. YKD, Young King Dave, not that guy that died from smoking weed, huh? No, no, no. You know what I'm talking about?

39:47Yeah, I heard about that. Young King Dave, bring him up. Pull up Young King Dave, bro. R.I.P., dude. Smoking big doinks. He died from smoking weed, huh? Yeah, yeah. He was like smoking weed. He smoked a joint backwards or something, and he had asbestos or whatever, and it killed him. What? Dave James, young King Dave Nixon passed away at 19. Where was he always smoking out? This is years ago. His manager, Chris Clemenza. I used to message with him for a while, bro. I was a big fan of him. Oh, wow. Smoking big doinks out in where, did he say? Oh, yeah. Play the audio? Out here in Amish, smoking big doinks in Amish.

40:30Fuck yeah.

40:34Big old doinks He'd be smoking big doinks out there in Amish, dude And he'd get, um And he died Damn He had, uh He smoked, he just smoked all the time, I think And I want to say he died I want to get this right What did he die of? You know, play that one more Play one more where he's smoking a joint We used to have guys like that work security with us Really? Oh yeah, they were the best They always bring the weed It's fucking nice out Who's trying to chill Smoke some loud Feel me Fuck yeah I got loud Hit my line Either DM me Or hit my line bro I got loud I'm trying to smoke Just smoke it then You know But yeah That was a beautiful time Oh a collapsed lung Is what got him God Oh Jesus Complications from a Collapsed lung He did have loud dude he blew his fucking yeah but that also comes from all those vapes that kids smoke nowadays and adults smoke them too like me and other people but you smoke the vape uh let's not say that but yeah i do um i've been on and off it you know you try your best but yeah shout out ykd bro i just yeah he was like one of the first dudes to kind of go viral and he was always smoking big doinks out there and uh and that's what killed him he would literally drive all over just meeting people to smoke weed and shit.

41:57What a great guy. He got too big to get in his car or whatever. He was always eating. There he is at a mall. Hell yeah. What's he say? Okay, where the bitches at, bro?

42:13He almost died right there. They got Nathan's in a mall? That's a great fucking mall. So yeah, just seeing something like that is great, man. But go back to the Disney story. Let's go back. Oh, dude, yeah. start from the beginning of that man oh dude when you walk in yes and it had that smell it had that good disney smell well it was very organized things were kind of pricey in there a little bit so it had like some esteem you could get something small like a keychain but you could get something like ice skates or something you know if i had a princess dress the whole night all that shit if you had a child or a little daughter or somebody you could take them in there um that was a pretty high-end store i felt like for the mall as far as uh children's uh ferrofinariate hey that i'll never forget that bundle of plush there was always like a big area of like all the stuffed animals and shit oh man i used to just kind of give it a hug you know yeah well they had that nice stuff that now disney showed up with a quality stuffed animal i think applause was the company that made a lot of their stuff.

43:20The parent company or whatever that made the stuffed animals. But yeah, dude, when the Disney store came... Me and my friend got kicked out of a Disney store inside. I don't know. Remember the little theater that was inside for kids to kind of like crawl in and they would show old Disney movies. Inside there? Yeah. Oh, it's for children. I didn't go in there. Yeah, well, I slid in there one time to roll a blunt real quick and hurried up, got that done, but then I got stuck watching the fucking cartoons and the lady was like, hey, keep it moving guys yeah dude sorry we're just like mickey mouse man mall type shit homie that's what it is dude um yeah what other stores now what about build a bear were you there when that came out oh yeah yeah and what kind of clientele would you see over there brother uh mostly the white folk was it really yeah build a bear is a white thing yeah yeah i would say so a little bit you know it's an experience it's fun you know what i mean um here's a store for you sharper image that was the fucking jam right there sharper image was like by far i think sharper image was the reason i got a mall job actually no no shit because oh yeah it was where the future it's where elon musk was born yeah bro sharper image was wasn't he born in a sharper image that this was our elon musk yes right sharper fucking image dude you would find a hair dryer that could sort coins and um massage your feet yeah and massage your feet tell your blood type and tell you if your mom was being a b-i-t-c-h or not and then they would have like a remote control car that you could never fucking afford always yeah and it was like it was like the best one i don't even know what that is but i wanted it you know they had ever dude because everything in there none of it was like all none of it made any like it was a ridiculous they had like a wallet that could grate cheese they had like what you know they had like those things you'd put your um women right there what is that little foot spa foot spa at home foot spa those things that everybody bought and never used they never never ever but sharper image was it dude they'd have like weird little like um what is this premium innovative defrosting tray you could just set your meat out on a tray and it would defrost.

45:35That's called a counter. But they sold that bitch fucking 100 bucks. Sharper Image Premium Innovative Defrosting Tray, dude. What else did they have? Sharper Image Warming Foot Massage. Fucking, my mom had those right there. Really? Did she use them? Yeah, they smelled after a while. Oh, yeah, definitely, dude. They fucking rank. Yeah, but Sharper... Oh, that was it, too. The hanger dryer or whatever it was, there was a a hanger for your clothes that would like blow out air and shit really yeah yeah a lot of it was ridiculous shit this right here is a sharper image closet ionic air purifier that's what i need who so between two of your shirts you can put an air purifier that is the dumbest thing i've ever seen sharper image seems like i have this invention yeah it's not going to work out but we have this store for you yeah yeah everything now the chairs were the big thing though you go in that's the reason you went.

46:32And you'd look at the lady and she would give you a look as to whether or not. It wasn't a yes or no. It was just you could tell if you were allowed to go get in that chair or not. You could tell. It was either they were going to help you out or they just gave you the look. Yeah. You know. We're your parents. Yeah, they'd say something like that. Kind of passive aggressive but direct. Yeah. Who are you here with? Myself and this chair. What stores do different ethnicities frequent at the mall? Where do the where did mi gente go? Where did the Mexicanos go? C's candy. Really? Yeah. Por qué? Free candy.

47:08Free samples. Oh, wow. You walk in, they give you a fucking treat. Hi, welcome to C's. Butterscotch. You're like, fuck yeah. C's candy was the lick, man. C's candy had everyone there. C's candy, huh? Hey, C's. You gotta understand, though, C's candy was just a reason for us to go get free candy. And Mexicans love sugar, yeah? Fuck yeah. Wow. Good gifts, too. I used to live down in Mexico. I used to get boxes of candy all the time. I'm like, wait, are you saying something? No, no, no. It's good. I'm like, fuck, yeah. Let's do this. Yeah, the peanut brittle there is pretty nice. I will say that.

47:40They made a beautiful brittle for a while. I don't even know if these candy is still open or not. Oh, they are. They are? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Giving out them free samples daily. Where else do the Mexicanos go? Ooh. Back then, let's see. I forget the name of the store. Oh, remember KB Toy Store? Yeah. Yeah. They didn't go to Toys R Us. They went to KB Toy Store because it was cheaper. Mmm, respect. Yeah. I mean, I went there. I love KB Toys. Yeah, I remember seeing it. I don't know where we would. I think we did a lot of times get our toys over at Walmart, I think. But what about the brothers and sisters?

48:14Where do they pull up at? Oh, shit. Bed, Bath & Beyond. No. Lotions. Oh, for show. Smell goods and lotions. Lotions for show-tions, bro. Yes, sir. Damn. Yep. You could Oh yeah There was tons of lotion God they had all kinds in there too All kinds Dude remember when Okay so Black people went to Bed Bath & Beyond Do you remember at Bed Bath & Beyond bro When they came Was it Bed Bath & Beyond I think it was Maybe it was at Sephora They had these lotions that started to smell like cookies and shit dude Oh yeah And they'd never had it before And people were going crazy Actually, you know what's funny is I remember that year, the summer, girls were walking by smelling like candy and shit.

49:01Like, yeah, what is this? This is nice. You know, I think it was Bed Bath & Beyond. Yeah. There you go. Christmas cookies, man. Body lotion. God, that shit was nice. Shit was nice, bro. It was like the new cocoa butter. Yeah. That was Bath & Body Works. Bath & Body Works. Ah, Bath & Body Works. Yeah, Bath & Body Works, bro. That's what it was. Um, what about, um, the Indians, Bangladeshi, Muslims, all that, where they pull up at any high end stores? Really? Yeah. They're the high end people. The, the dad's always walking with their hands behind their backs. Moms with their purses out. Kids spending all their money.

49:41Oh yeah. One hundred percent. That's Asian. Yeah. Um, what was up at hot topic, dude? Ooh, hot topic. Who hung out there? That was a different corner. Okay, so my Hot Topic era was the real emos, the real little grungy-ass kids that came in there and shit. You know, it's all like Sailor Moon now, but back then it was... Fucking kids eating rust and shit. Fuck yeah, man. Like, they would come in and make black makeup all over their face and shit. The beautiful people, the beautiful people. Marilyn, man. The real Marilyn Manson kids. Yes. You know what I mean? The people that would eat their parents if you gave them a half hour.

50:17Fuck yeah. And if they didn't buy you something from Hot Topic, it was... Yeah. Real MFers. Hot Topic was it, right? Yeah, man. I loved Hot Topic. And what's funny is I grew up very urban, very hip hop and all that shit. But Hot Topic was definitely a vice of mine. Yeah, it was, man. It really was. It was like when you went in there, you're like, what's going on? Am I old enough to be in here? Is this something just my older brother and sister can go to? That was crazy. And they also had music in there. Yeah. They had CDs. This was back when they had CDs and shit. And so that was different because people would be there.

50:49If you're there picking out music, then your brain's in a music space, so you might get a shirt that goes with a band. Yeah, because there was a bunch of ICP albums there. Yeah. That's who we used to hang out at Hot Topic, like the Juggalos of San Diego. Yeah, I used to love it. Hot Topic was like that, man. Hell yeah. Any other store really? What about Structure? Remember that store or no? Oh, look at you. Blasting the pad, baby. Wow, Miller's Outpost even. Dude, Miller's Outpost was like about Arizona and shit. Miller's Outpost turned into what? Anchor Blue or something like that? Really? Yeah.

51:25I didn't know. Anchor Blue was like the first time you could buy like baggy pants and shit, you know? Because I was like, fuck yeah. But Miller's Outpost was definitely one of the stores that all the trendy kids went to. Like everyone popular went to Miller's Outpost, got Jenko's and shit like that. Yeah, dude. Fucking Levi's. They had the suede vans there. Yeah. Dude, I'd never seen a Miller's Outpost until I lived in Arizona for a little bit. and that's when it was a little bit different. What do you guys see on the cameras and did you guys ever catch anybody having sex or anything like that?

51:54Man, so I actually have a good story about that. We've seen a lot on camera. I've seen people getting head. I've seen it all. Oh, yeah, that's one vote for Trump right there. Hell yeah. You feel me? But we had a direct incident with one of our guards, okay? And what rank was he? He was a no striper. No stripe. He was a no stripe. He was a baggy pant dicky wearing guy like me. Good guy though. But he was messing around with the girl from Cinnabon. He was. Yeah. Was she cute? Eh, she was all right. She was a Cinnaboner, you know? So one day I'm watching the cameras and on the cameras I notice she's going to the car and I'm like, that's not our guy.

52:43I think it's the movie theater guy, you know? Wait, what are you talking about? I'm confused. Okay, so the girl from Cinnabon, we were watching her go from Cinnabon to the parking lot to her car. Okay. But she was walking with a guy. Oh, she's walking with a guy to her car. Yeah, and I think he was one of the employees from the movie theater. Goes in there. We could clearly tell they're doing some shit. He leaves. Within five minutes, somebody else comes walking up. It's our guard. He gets in the car. No. They start doing their thing. Uh-oh. Was it a Honda Accord? it was a Nissan Altima yeah yeah Altima for sure so they do their thing and we're just like me and my other guy like no fucking way this is happening like she's on her break you know she's doing all this on her break she's on her break she met up with movie dude they're hanging in the car he leaves five minutes later y 'all's boy shows up the other guard shows up does his thing somebody from your rank so we call he gets in there and I was like hey man I gotta show you something and I was like hey you know we saw you go and he's like yeah but I know you're not gonna say nothing right you know I'm like yeah but rewind he's like what the fuck so we start you know talking shit to him and all this stuff but I go up to the Cinnabon girl and I was like hey I I watched everything that happened she was like please don't say nothing I'm like Cinnabon for life so I got free Cinnabon for life but yeah my boy and the movie guy tacks the same girl in a half hour period saw that on camera and do you think it was full sex or do you think it was oral it had been full sex the second guy no way why he came out adjusting his pants she came out adjusting her shit the first one she was going wiping it up she probably just needed free passes or something you know?

54:37Oh, yeah. You know, that's probably when what's that movie that killed Paul Walker? Fast and the Furious. That's probably when Fast and Furious 3 came out. Have you what else would you guys do you guys ever Hi, this is Eric Coyne from Cole's department store on Golf Road. I've got an active This just shows how they can follow people with the mall cameras Oh, yeah. You can do this too? Oh, yeah. We used to do it all the time. The security guard watches two men and a woman on store security cameras load items into a cart like this wallet that she's convinced are about to be stolen. Are they considering merchandise?

55:19They've got a cart full and they're in a U-Haul truck. Damn, a whole U-Haul? In a U-Haul. In a parking lot. She watches as they casually go through the store, even taking time to sample some cologne, but accumulate more and more items in their cart. They're about to go. They're used to. Hold on. Sorry, they keep coming. They're about to exit and then they come back. They're like plotting their exit. As the security guard waits for police to arrive, she's still on the phone with 911 when the woman pushes the cart full of stolen items out the front door. They're going to go right now. I've got to go make the apprehension.

56:02She's the one in purple chasing the woman with the car. So you can run out and yell loss prevention, though. Yeah. Do you guys do that? I've done it a couple times. What do you do? What's that like? What's it like now? You see somebody stealing. Take me through it. Nowadays. Today. Someone's stealing. You pretty much just grab the description of them, all that. Can you call them a pussy or anything like that? You can, but you just be wary of the cameras around you. you know because everyone's got a cell phone nowadays and it's like you can literally lose your job over saying that it's like fucking bullshit you know because I do want to yell out that shit yeah the guy's a thief or the woman is yeah definitely have had my moments of hey please stop don't do this you're gonna fuck up I literally have your license plate and they're just turning around like fuck you and it's like okay man and you just have to follow them out you know and you're just kind of escorting the thievery you know nowadays you're just escorting them.

57:01Now kids are coming in like 20 at a time, filling up trash bags, and you can't stop that. Nowadays, man, you just have to really escort them out. So now thieves almost get security guards. Yeah. To make sure nobody touches them on their way out. Right, and make sure nothing else. So I don't want anybody else getting involved here. You're almost trying to keep other people safe that are there. That sort of thing. Yeah, like I'm trying to steal professionally here, man. Back everyone up. You know, like I'm trying to have a clear path to my car. And it's like you give them that. You know, even one time Louis Vuitton had me work.

57:32I was working at the Louis Vuitton store in the mall. Oh, hell yeah. And we had a protest. Protest came and they start. For what? Fur. Like something about like fur, like because Louis Vuitton kills animals or some shit, blah, blah, blah, all that horse shit. But then they're all wearing leather Nikes. And I'm like, you guys are fucking up, you know. But the. This is it. Oh, this could have been in a different mall. yeah this they're from uh they're from like alpha or some shit like that they do this like weird ass instagram post for everyone to meet up and then they'll come they do that they come in with the fucking uh bullhorns and shit right and they say stop with the fur yeah fur kills or something like that but i didn't let him in my door and this fucking put her megaphone right here and i literally like you have cameras and everything and i'm and i'm just burying like all my hate for everything i've ever had in my life she says a sound going right in your face yeah and and then she'll turn it around and then she'll let the siren up because we had a rope it's like well we're gonna let you go so far it's like i don't cross this rope you don't cross this rope she had the fucking bullhorn right here and it's like i don't condone hitting women at all but i want to shove this bullhorn down your fucking throat right now.

58:53Yeah. You know, and there was a point in time where one of the guards came and he saw me shaking. He goes, are you going to hit her? I'm like, since you said it, no. You know, but if you wouldn't have said it in the next minute, something might have fucking happened. You know, and those are things you can't do. 20 years ago, I'd have snatched that bullhorn and threw it across the fucking mall. Oh, yeah, for sure. 100%. But it's stuff like that nowadays. It's like protesters, they get away, they're throwing fur and fake blood at you and you're just like, what are you supposed to do? And how much do you guys get paid an hour?

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1:02:34betterhelp.com slash Theo. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Ever catch anybody having sex in any of the dressing rooms? Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. I did it, too, one time. Did you? Yeah, New Orleans, dude. Okay, I was going to say, it wasn't at this one place, because you do look familiar. No, No, we've caught two people on camera going in, and you can clearly tell they didn't go in with anything. And the girl was like, give him the gist, like, fucking suck your dick. And then I was like. Oh, she's doing blowing in there? She's doing all, probably blow and blowing. Can you hear it? Can you see?

1:03:11Is there a camera you can see in there? No, not at all. Okay. Not at all. You could clearly see him walk in, and she was like, yeah, I'm going to suck your dick. And I was like, oh, she's going to suck his dick. And we creep up. We don't make it. No, we creep up. We listen. Get our little perv on for a second. and then fucking beat on the doors really hard. And then, you know, it's just, oh, you know. Get up next. Yeah, something, you know, like, deuce, you know. But definitely I've caught many people in the act, all races, all genders. Caught two gay dudes one time. That was an experience for me.

1:03:45Really? Yeah. Like, did you see any action? Sword fighting. Nuh-uh. Saw two wieners at once in your own line of vision? Yeah. It was at Horton Plaza. Horton Plaza is out of San Diego. It's not there anymore. No, that's the Horton Plaza. Yeah. So it was inside the theater. And theater called and said, hey, there's something going on. We need males to come into the bathroom and handle this. So I get in the bathroom, and I hear giggling. And I almost feel they wanted to get caught. Yeah. Because when I opened the door, it was almost like they were paused. And they're like, oh, sorry. And I'm like, please stop.

1:04:26And what, they had their wieners out? Yeah, both of them. Oh, wow. Unfortunately, one was hard and one was not. Oh, wow. So you really looked. Yeah, I had to. You didn't have to. I mean, at a certain point, I think if you see the rest of somebody's body is naked, you know the wiener's right there in the middle. You know, when you walk in and something and it's like, oh, oh, oh. Yeah. It was that three-step part of like, hey, guys, dicks. okay get the fuck out of my bathroom now you know but i feel they wanted to get caught 100 well there is something weird if you see somebody naked immediately you need to know if they have like you you like you can't even help but there's something inside of you i guess maybe i don't know i don't know probably like competition is it bigger than mine you know like you think no i think you just don't i don't know i remember i was in uh we were in new orleans my girlfriend we went into victoria's uh secrets right we went up in there and um yeah we both snuck in there and then just started having a little bit of scx boy and we were young and so it was you know it was so you know and not it was fun when you're young it's fun to just do a little bit of or whatever and it's um yeah it was like yeah sober sex is for children i've always said that and anyway it was just that was awesome i miss her a lot sometimes and um you know what else but was there other sexual instances you guys would see oh yeah uh a lot in the parking lot he had a lot to go in the parking lot a lot of employees after work in the parking lot um what doing sex in cars oh yeah oh yeah uh we caught somebody behind the trash can the dumpsters one time like they coordinated to go take out trash together because the guy told me goes yeah i I told her to take out trash at like 8.30 and we met.

1:06:15Oh, yeah, it's Romeo and Juliet. Fuck, yeah. And the gross thing is like it was the food court trash can. So it smelled like food. And I was like, you couldn't use the one that uses plastic and cardboard? Oh, yeah, that's Recyclio and Juliet, dude. Yeah. God. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right there behind the dumpsters, though. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's hard for me to stay erect if there's broken glass around or like a bad trash smell is rough, you know? The smell of other pee kind of throws it off, too.

1:06:47Oh, dude, I remember. So, Wiggers kind of remember them. Oh, yeah, I was one. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Right on, dude. Yeah. I had a black stepdad. I have a black stepdad, so grew up in that, you know. Yeah, yeah. And everyone's like, you're a Wigger. I'm like, how? There's a real one at my house. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, but they started at the mall, I feel like. Oh, yeah, 100%. Yeah, like back in the day, I feel like if you needed a Wigger or you needed a ginger, you went to Foot Locker or Lids. I feel like that's where they kind of, that was like their junior college or whatever. This guy just called out my whole life right now.

1:07:20I love Lids. Oh, bro, Lids is a definite place for you to roll up and see what was kind of wiggering around the area. Oh, yeah. Malibu's Most Wanted was always walking through Lids. It was great. And those were the ones that - Yeah, that's where God kept most of the wiggers, I feel like was Foot Locker and Lids, dude. Yep. Oh, 100%. 100%. And JCPenney's. They hid out in JCPenney's. Really? Yeah. Because that's where all like some urban clothes were at, you know? Yeah. So they would get them on sale. They knew where the sales were. What happened as malls started to decline, man? Did you notice any of that in your time?

1:07:59Yeah. You could definitely tell like over one summer, about 10 years, 15 years ago, it was just like not packed anymore. It wasn't fun anymore. they still had the big movie blockbusters coming out, but people weren't lining up to see Spider-Man no more. Once you see the theater die out, I think that's when the mall is done. Once the theater starts going and you can't draw anybody in there, because theater has always been the hub of why you go to the mall sometimes. What are you going there for? I'm going to the movies. But as soon as that decline started, it's sad when you see empty stores in the mall.

1:08:37you know like oh man i used to go there and it's like well it's not there anymore it's like put something in there and they'll put like a phone store in there or they just yeah now apple's like 20 stores deep and you're like who cares you know yeah or it'll be like kumal's magic shop or something it's like fuck it fuck tell me i'm not going if yeah if someone's dropping you off at the mall to learn magic dude you are being sex traffic dude yeah you're being set up for something I mean, that's easy, right, guys? Yep. But what about during the holidays? Did malls always stay busy at the holidays?

1:09:13Yeah, they did. They did, for sure. Because once, like you said, once the decline happened, stores started doing more sales during the holidays, trying to get the attention out. And those were the times it's like the holidays for the mall was great because it's like traffic. People were out having good times and stuff. Yeah. Mingling. Yeah, it's fun. And that's the best thing about the mall. They're blasting that music, man, 24-7. It's like, ah, yeah, it feels so good. And with the holiday mall thing, it's – I wanted to go back to that. Like, get rid of Cyber Monday and put it all back in the mall.

1:09:52Put the holiday sales back in the mall. Let us fight. Let us, like, terrorize doors. You know, like, I miss the real Black Fridays. Yeah. The real Black Fridays are gone. Really? Yeah. The true Black Fridays of sitting out all night, and you open that door, and two Black Fridays, I got into a fight. Okay. Yeah. So Black Friday was crazy for you guys. Oh, yeah. How would you prepare for that? Would you guys have to do any special training before Black Fridays, or did you guys get up early that day? What was that like? To be honest, a lot of us would do actual stretches for Black Friday because we knew we had an 18-hour day.

1:10:31Some of us who were smart enough Ate right, ate correctly, stretched out a little bit Because we knew we were going to fight Especially if there was a target at a mall Like if there's a target set in the mall That target was the worst place for Black Friday Everyone was lined up They're rushing through, they are punching you They don't give a shit about nothing But the OG Black Fridays Man, I miss those Those were the fighting days over like something Yeah And those were like Like, and those were the first, like, remnants of you can't touch anybody. You know, the OG Black Fridays were kind of like the start of don't touch anybody.

1:11:07Just let them fight over that fucking blender that's only two bucks. Right. You know, and you let them go at it. Well, it used to be you could buy, like, a coffee maker. They'd have, like, a coffee maker that can tell if your cousin's gay or not, you know? And they'd be like, well, who cares? But, yeah, we got to get that, you know? And they would fight over it. Yeah. Or they'd have like a water purifier that can tell, that can guess your weight or whatever. It's just like shit that's like. One lady, one Black Friday got beat up outside because at the time, I don't, they don't think they understood the system of layaway.

1:11:43So like the actual store didn't understand what they got themselves into. Yeah. So this lady goes up and everyone's in fucking line for the electronics. Everyone's fought already now. I've lined everyone up, calmed everyone down, because the electronic department in the store wasn't open yet. They were waiting two hours to put everything on sale. This lady goes and asks, how many PS4s do you have? And they're like, oh, we have 100. I remember hearing, we have 120. She goes, I want to put a layaway on all 120, because it was only like five bucks a layaway. So she's like, how many cameras do you have?

1:12:15Okay. And so she spent like two grand on layaway and bought out damn near everything that people were waiting in line for. So by the time, like even the second person, like, so I can't get a PlayStation? They're like, no. As soon as they put it on layaway, they have to take that exact item and put it in the back. So it wasn't like they can reorder anything. That was like, whatever was out was out on sale. So this fucking lady put all this shit on layaway. She gets out and people down the line went and met her outside and asked her like, hey, are you going to sell this stuff? Like, is there any way we can get in it?

1:12:46And she's like, no. And start walking away and they beat the shit out of her. and I shut the door and walked away. That's greed. Yeah, I was like, you deserve that one. She deserves it. You can't go on Christmas. You're telling me, how old was a woman? Oh, she was in her 40s. Good. You're telling me, Miss 40s, you're going to use 120 PlayStations? You're getting beat. You're getting fucking beat up. You're getting beat up. And that's the kind of shit we need. um vigilanteism here's a video right here Black Friday Stampede oh pink at Victoria Secrets and this is whites hunting panties right here there we go

1:13:33a lot of fucking thong hell yeah god that thong in there bro remember when the thong came out bro google when did the thong come out bro because that changed everything bro everybody became a hoe right then when did the thong come out bro the thong swimsuit I'm talking about the thong panty bro like when when did it come out in Walmart to make you feel uncomfortable cause remember when I remember there was a time when they were actually out like in the Walmart and you'd walk by and you'd feel oh shit I don't think I could walk by this aisle 1990s it said looks like they debuted in 74 but really caught on in the 90s 74 go to there the thong makes its official debut with Rudy Gurnich's invention of the thong swimsuit.

1:14:23Yep, 2002. A year later, this style was being sold as underwear across America. That's in 74. In the 1990s, thong underwear hits the mainstream. That's what happened. Marketed widely as a practical undergarment to pair with slim fit jeans to best avoid visible panty lines. Yum, yum. The 1995 Victoria Secrets hold its first public runway show led by model Stephanie Seymour and Rebecca Raman igniting a consumer thong frenzy, dude. 2002, over 120 million pairs of thong underwear were sold in the US alone. That's when I was at the mall. Really? Yeah, those were the years I was at them. Those were the good days, man.

1:15:06Because I was 22, so you had all those young-ass women coming out of college buying the fuck it was, like five for 30. Oh. Yeah. I would definitely, I would be, I would be in there, I bet. It was a sniffer's dream. Was it? Oh, yeah. Would you guys ever go in there and do some pervy shit? We wouldn't, but we would catch the people that were. You know. Were there some lurkers in there in Victoria's Secret? What was that like? Because that was, was that where the babes were at? Where were the babes at in the mall? Victoria's Secret. Okay. Victoria's Secret. we got a call one time about a pervy dude in Victoria's Secret because I guess they're allowed to try on the panties and they put a little like whatever they do to put a little panty liner in to like block the you know the clam and the jam so I guess when they take the panties off it's not like they go throw them in a washing machine they just put them back on the rack so I guess the guy caught on to where they were putting those panties and he would go by and just kind of oh yeah these look good yeah get that good whiff in boy make that fucking make your wiener walk forward baby i like that um yeah i dude i yeah i understand i think it's um and would you guys have to go and talk to that guy yeah unfortunately really yeah like how do you what do you say there um i actually used my my own words i said hey man what the fuck are you doing in here sniffing underwear like that And he's like, I'm not.

1:16:39I'm like, bro, you are in here sniffing panties like a fucking pervert. Why? And he started walking away. I said, hey, bro, don't come in here no more. Stop grabbing handfuls of panties and sniffing them. We see you. And then he walks out, and I swear he said this under his breath. He goes, I'm still going to do it. Really? Yeah. I was like, oh, he's dedicated. Yeah, you got to respect that, man. But he was definitely one of the only ones that I actually encountered. I've heard plenty of stories. like there was there's Victoria's Secret Girls used to tell stories all the time about like oh man this guy used to do like a run by sniff or um girls would like uh if they pull up their panties or they would hold panties in the air to look at them or something a guy would like drop his wallet or something good you know a quick little sniff by and he's like yeah we see a lot of that here I'm like why don't you say anything like sometimes it's funny sometimes it's really pervy I'm like it's all pervy it's all pervy but at the same times I guess it could be funny if you just see somebody hit a knee and a sniff yeah and what would they do is trying to sniff smell the woman the butt oh yeah yeah that'll get you sniffers are weird yeah well it's uh you know humans are 40 animal or something and um they do it you know so i don't think it's crazy no but it's uh yeah it's an art for i don't know if it's an art form that's crazy but yeah it's seems weird i think it's it should have been something back in the day that got frowned upon like hey you can't be sniffing Sally's ass.

1:18:04It's like, whatever. Yeah. Have you ever had to protect like a mall Santa or anything like that? Yes. Or what's it like when the mall Santas come? Take me through some Christmas time lore. Okay, so the mall Santa situation is always a fun one because eight out of ten times he's a drunk. Really? Oh, yeah. You will honestly get a Santa guy that comes in there who dedicates his life to being Santa all year long, who can't wait to go to the mall to do the Santa thing, and then you got guys like me who are like fuck I just need a job for like the season it's like seasonal job you know but I've had guys literally pull up drunk you know like hey where do I go I'm like who are you Santa it's like oh come on over here the Santa the drunk Santas were always fun because they had the drugs they had the weed and they were the funniest with the kids because they were the nicest yeah The guys that actually did the Santa full year, they would get irritated through the first two hours.

1:19:06The drunk ones would be like, hell yeah, I'll get your Ferrari, anything you want, you know? Yeah. So I used to hang out with those Santas during the season. I'll get your mom a half pound of cock, you feel me? That's crazy. That's stupid. Actually, you know, I've actually heard a Santa hit on her mom. Yeah, and he should, dude. He said, I got a present for you to unwrap. Oh, Santa should get on. The first guy any woman should want is Santa. Who's your husband? And you're like, he plays for the Mets or whatever. I'm like, bitch, my husband is Santa. We had Santa on the podcast. Show a clip of that guy.

1:19:44Let's just get a look at him. He was amazing, man. Oh, he's got the full. Look at him. He got a championship belt on. Look at him. He is the world champion of Santa's. It was so cool to meet him, dude. We were excited. How long did he do it for? He was in the game, I think, 26 years. He did mall Santa stuff? He was sanning. He'd done all types. He'd done it from everywhere across the globe, from Guam to Connecticut. Yeah, he'd done everywhere. And what was it like? Anybody ever, any issues with mall Santas or anything like that? One Santa had to get fired his third day, and I think because he fought a parent because the kid asked for something and the parent was going like this, trying to tell Santa, like, tell him no, tell him no.

1:20:34It's like Santa's not allowed to say no. You know what I mean? Well, the kid was just asking for, like, toys, like basic-ass toys, but I guess the kid was a bad kid and this was supposed to be a lesson to the kid, but the parent didn't let us in on the fucking, on the jam. So the kid starts telling Santa, like, hey, you know, I want this toy, this toy, this toy. He's like, oh, yeah, this, that. And she's like, no, tell him no. and like you can see him kind of like okay so he keeps going on then the dad walks up and he starts still telling the story or telling what toys he wants and the Santa starts just eyeballing the dad because now the dad's like doing this so the kid gets up and now the dad walks over and says hey man we're telling you fucking no and he's like hey I don't know what you're telling me no he's just asking for toys and the dad kind of just did like this little backhand to it like he's like shut up just just kind of backhand it literally a transformer he went from santa to whatever his name because he stood up and literally as he stood up the beard the hat and everything just kind of came off the whole top he's like what and they just started fighting right there on the spot he's like he started santa started hitting them i kind of stepped in the middle pushed the mom back because the mom started clawing at us and then the kids like he the kid literally standing there going, what did I, he yelled out, am I getting a bike?

1:21:57I just want to know, fuck, you know, but he literally yelled out, what did I do wrong? And I'm like, oh man, like in my head, you didn't do nothing wrong with your fucking parents, you know? Yeah. But I, and later on, and the cops came, the parents were explaining that we're trying to teach him a lesson. We brought him here because we want to talk to Santa and all this shit. And I'm like, well, you ended up getting your ass whooped. Yeah. So what's the lesson here? yeah you shouldn't you can't attack santa because he has met because he's the best that's why yeah and probably you don't know who's under that santa you know no um let me ask you this um any would you hit on women during the mall because it's probably hard here's what i would guess would be tough a woman shows up at the mall she's attractive you're you feel attracted to her but then how do you not just chase her like not chase around but you know i'm saying a mall is just people are going in a certain direction if you you know because i as even i remember when i was young and i'd be at the mall you'd kind of be following the girl around the mall mall stalking mall stalking's real is that what it's called mall stalking mall stalking and as a as a mall cop you can definitely get away with it more than just being an average joe yeah you know because if you're like just following a girl in normal clothes you're like what's going on but no we we used to mall stalk back in our days you know girls would show up and it'd be nice too because like it's kind of weird because we had our own little groupies because they think we like oh man he's a security guard he can get us backstage like to what you know yeah the best we can do is probably sneak you into the theater you know and that right there was money back in the day girls loved us for that really yeah because it was it was a kind of a scam because i would walk the girl up to the movie theater and i would know half the people anyway but most of the time i'd walk up i'm like hey uh she left her purse in the theater i'm just gonna walk her in and make sure she gets out and they're like, oh, okay, Gus, you're all right.

1:23:42I'm like, so what movie would you like to see? Easy numbers, man. Easy numbers. But yeah, mall cops actually had their own little groupies around. It was great. Ever get laid from a woman you met at the mall? Nah. Yeah. Really? Nah. No. I never pursued too much. Like, I never pursued the clientele. Yeah. Yeah. Just because you never knew where that was going to land. Oh, yeah, for sure. Sometimes you see like an attractive woman and they're just shopping at the wrong store and you're just like, oh, yeah. good on that you know sometimes it just fucks everything up yeah oh so do mall cops have enemies you guys have other mall cops really yeah other mall cops um so there would be beef on the force yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah if you have so say you have mall cops my heart say you have mall cops that like they're on their day off and they come to your mall and they make it known that they're mall cops now there's just that beef and you see them walking around because sometimes they'll come you're like oh we wouldn't do it like that oh you guys do it like oh well we do it like this like now we have beef fuck your mall fuck your whole mall yeah so there was mall beef yeah oh yeah well oh yeah any anything has beef you know what i mean but mall cop beef was funny would you guys ever do like a volleyball team or anything that for your mall was there any like um No, I did try to get a softball tournament going between the mall guys one time.

1:25:06I really, I'm not kidding. I really try to get some softball shit going. Go out there, get drunk. And if things lead to the ninth inning, we fight, we fight. You know what I mean? But yeah, I was trying to organize some things. Trying to have some fun, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I think you have to. I remember at a Waffle House one night I'd been using or whatever, and I was in there. And I almost had a team put together to fucking play another Waffle House. Oh, shit. Yeah. And then I don't know what happened after that. I think I might have fallen asleep or something. But it was just, yeah, people were.

1:25:40Hey, when you get them on board, though, that's the best. Oh, that's when it's the best, dude. Ever have a lost child situation there? Oh, yeah. Ever had a kidnapped child situation? No kidnapping situation. An attempted kidnapping happened on my day off. Wow. We all heard about it. I'm not going to say it wasn't like a major thing to where like somebody got out and like snatched a kid. But I guess a lady was going around courting kids, so to say, like like if the parent would walk away, the lady, I guess the lady was walking up and just kind of like, oh, do you know my son? Have you met my son?

1:26:17Oh, I think you go to school with him. He's over there. And I guess she was just like listing random names and just a kid goes to elementary. it's like you might hit one of the names oh James is over there and I guess on the camera one of the kids like looked up and said oh James and went to walk towards and the mom's like hey where are you going and if the mom wouldn't have looked I think that would have been it for the kid but no straight out like kidnapping lost kids all day out of a five week or out of a five day like schedule for the week four of those days you're going to deal with a lost kid no way guaranteed guaranteed what happens what's the major cause of that parents just being like just too into what they're doing kids just running off not paying and like I have a toddler man these kids they're just fast you know what I mean they're fast as fuck and once they take off that's it you know like sometimes it's not the parents fault sometimes it is the parents fault like I can really back it up like it maybe not but usually is I've had kids on the opposite side of the mall where the parents were literally inside JCPenney's and this kid bolted through the whole mall.

1:27:28Made it in other stores. Made it all the way down. And now he's just sitting at a toy store by himself. And that's the truth. He was literally sitting in a toy store. And when I found him, he was sitting there playing with a toy. And I was like, hey. His name was Jacob. I was like, hey, are you Jacob? And he looked up and he goes, yeah. Because he was like seven or eight. He was old enough to know, fuck my parents. I'm going to go to this toy store. Yeah, I'm going to do my own shit. Dad's not doing well or whatever. Nope. Wow. so that's got to be kind of is it scary or does it just get so repetitive that you're like oh this is probably the same thing you know still scary no to me it's scary because one i'm a parent and so it always sinks in like don't want to lose your kid but then you always want to slap him in the back of the fucking head like dude pay attention to your kid you know so 100 but you know the worst ones is during like the black friday like the holiday seasons because It's not like one kid.

1:28:20It's multiple kids that are missing. And it's like they're not even missing. It's just so crowded. You're not paying attention. And do you have to do an intercom thing then or no? Oh, yeah. What do you do? What do you say then? You're just getting over the line. If the parents of Jacob or there's a lost kid, he looks like this. And if you go over a PA system, within a minute, a lot of parents will start perking up. If you have a human heart, you start perking up and looking around, just trying to check your surroundings. and we usually get the call like, oh, he's over here playing with fucking toys.

1:28:51You know, and he's like, I want to go get Jacob. Yeah. The food court, what's going on there, man? Food court's good. You missed it? Yeah, I missed the OG food courts, like Sbarro's. Sbarro's pizza was so good. Love it. It was good and horrible. But it was a lot of people's first taste of Italian. It was. Bring it up. Bring up Sbarro's. Sbarro's was good, man. They had a lot of bread at it. That's what I feel like. It was hella bread-y. It was pizza, but still. But God, yeah, Zabar. You're right, dude. What the fuck am I talking about? Zabar's was so damn good, dude. So good. And also, you didn't know at that age, there wasn't, you didn't know what was good or wasn't.

1:29:34Get the second, no, no. Yeah, get that one. Right there. That's the one I went to. God, it looks good. Right? I can just smell Zabar's. Zabarro's, dude. And I loved it, too. Oh, I love Zabarro's. I love mall food because you don't have to wait long. It was just like, what do you need? What do you want? And then you just go down this little jail line, and you're just like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, pay, and you're out. And would you guys eat there every day usually? Pretty much, yeah. Especially because once you make friends with everybody, you're getting discounts, and you're getting hooked up because you're not telling on them because they're doing shit in the parking lot.

1:30:11So, you know, yeah, we ate there a lot. It gained a lot of weight eating there. Did you? Oh, yeah. Especially when Rubio's. We had a Rubio's pop-up at one of my malls, and I thought that was like, okay, I'm going to start eating fresh and eating better. Fuck no. Tortillas all day. It was great. Fuck yeah. Rubio's. Rubio's in a mall is good. Yeah, Rubio's is pretty good, man. They used to have a McDonald's in my mall, and I know it's weird to say. Kind of frowned on. It's like, why would you take out the McDonald's? And it's like because everyone would go strictly to McDonald's. because if you put a McDonald's in the mall, it's just like, you know, like Maz to a flame.

1:30:47But doesn't that help? Because then at least the malls are around the freaking other stores. Yeah, but they just, I guess, McDonald's just takes all the business from all the food court places. Oh, I see. Because kids, because it's, food court, if you're with kids, it's always up to the kid where you're going, you know? And they're like, McDonald's, you know? Right, kids will always say McDonald's. Yeah, especially if they have the playground. Yeah, and Miss Fields, did they have that? Oh, Mrs. Fields. they had the cookie cakes remember those those are fucking good my mom would always get those for us for our birthdays oh man dude bring that cookie yes yes so those were speaking of miss fields in my day we actually used to get these cookies after they were closed because um a lot of these places they can't like sell the shit the next day or it's like goes bad or whatever i've eaten probably a hundred of those fucking birthday cookies in my life yeah taking them home cut them all up hand out to friends and shit yeah i've showed up to like friends houses with fucking three or four of these cooks like is your birthday i'm like nope mrs fields was closing you know you have two cakes is a happy birthday chad on them you're like who the fuck is chad who gives a shit but happy birthday chad um what mall store had the dumbest employees oh shit or what mall store was just like what mall store was whatever it was just like what What is it?

1:32:11FYI? Is that a store? FYE. FYE. DVD store? Oh, yeah. That was a weird thing. It's like, what was that? It was like all the fake movie buffs worked there. Like, it was just a weird store. Like, they had the weirdest employees there. And no disrespect to them, but you guys were weird. It seems weird, though. Because it's like you wanted to work at Hot Topic, but you weren't cool enough to work at Hot Topic. You wanted to work at Music Trader or even the movie theater, and you weren't cool enough to be like, and this was like, all right, fuck it. Here, work at FYE. This is like the leftover shit.

1:32:50But to be fair, FYE had a lot of good finds. You could find the most random ass shit there. What's that? Like a Scarface porn. You're like, hell yeah. Oh, yeah. That's respectable. what store had the hot chicks what store had chicks in it usually the Victoria's Secrets Amber Crombie when Amber Crombie and Fitch came out I did not go into that store for almost the first year even as an employee working at the mall and they would tell you to go do wellness checks on your stores I would not go into Amber Crombie and Fitch I didn't fit in the clothes it's just one of those things man oh yeah it was only for attractive people like models like yeah it was for models so i did not walk in there and the one time i did walk in i was like so this is where all the women are at gotcha gotcha but amy crummy and fitch was just a little intimidating you know for myself i was a miller's outpost guy like i said yeah well amy crummy and fitch too dude they uh and they'd have like naked children on horseback remember when they came out with all those photos and shit i thought that was j crew that did that i don't know who it was j Crew was one of those stores too.

1:33:58You're just like, am I a pedophile or am I a medium? You just couldn't even... Nothing made any sense in those places, dude. That was the weird part. Yeah, you felt weird. Oh, yeah, look at it. And sometimes they would have live models standing out there like, come on in. Yeah. That was weird. I worked at one for a little while. I worked in the back though. Back with the sloths. Back there ringing the bell for... or whatever, you know, ringing the church bell or whatever. It's lunchtime, y 'all. Let's go. Get your six-packs. Back in the steam room. Yeah. They would let me out sometimes to wash people's six-packs in the front.

1:34:39I had to oil them sometimes. Oh. But with the spray, I didn't have to do the towel thing. I was just like, you know. Bet, dude. Bet. What were the best things about being a mall cop? The leniency of not having, like, a boss hanging over your head sometimes because with having the badge, you were able to go places and nobody would fucking question you. And flat out, I'm a pothead. So the best thing about being a mall cop and I think why I stayed there so long was because I had so many hiding places. I had so many resources for free food. People watching was great. It was just like those small things, but the majority of it was just not having somebody breathing down your neck 24-7 because you were like your own boss.

1:35:23you know a lot of mall cops are a lot of mall security it'd only be like one or two guys you know four at the most if it was like a busy mall it's like one or two guys and the one guy that's walking around in the platoon or whatever yeah yeah and then it's just like i'm just by myself you know and that's always good and it's just always good until somebody makes a call of lost kid or some shit and you're like i gotta go would you ever be would you be high a lot of times Most of the time. And if any security guard, if any fucking security guard at a mall says that they weren't stoned or not stoned or doesn't have a pin in their pocket, now, you're not a real security guard.

1:35:59You're not. Oh, yeah. Security is stoned 24-7. I will never hide that fact. But wow, that had to be so scary. You get to call for a missing kid and then like 30 seconds later, you forget what you're looking for and you just buy Aunt Annie's pretzel or whatever. Oh, shit. And the mom's like, if you found him, you're like, who? You know, like, I don't, I'll admit it. Okay, so I'll admit one time, yeah, I was getting really high in the parking lot. And a call comes over that a boyfriend had shown up to one of the stores. And the girl had already called the cops, already told the managers. So we were aware of this boyfriend that was being abusive.

1:36:42So I get the call. Hey Gus Girl's boyfriend's back This and that Can you head towards the store I 100 % was like confident That I was going to make this call I was like yeah no problem I'm going to be there right now I'm on my way I'm actually walking But I was in the parking lot smoking I put my radio down I go back to my phone I go back to the blunt that's lit And I start scrolling through my phone Thinking alright let me just hit this a couple more times And I'll get out of here about 10 minutes later a call comes says hey the police are coming now the guy hit the girl and i'm like oh shit oh fuck i fucked up so i'm putting it out i'm fucking putting the sanitizer on fucking clone and everything deodorant and i'm fucking running towards the thing and the first thing i do theo i can't make this up i looked around nobody's watching i take i had these little scissors in my, I had this like little knife, but it had the scissors in it.

1:37:42I took the scissors and I cut my pants and I took dirt and I went like this and I came up limping. I'm like, where were you? I'm like, I fucking fell and I tripped and I rolled my ankle and I was calling you guys, but nobody was fucking answering me. And they're like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Totally lied that I rolled my ankle and fell because this girl got hit by her boyfriend. Damn. Yeah. I'm sorry. To this day, I feel bad. Yeah, you I should have been there. Should have been there. Should have ran to the thing, but I didn't think that was going to happen. But then. That's not true.

1:38:16You were hot. I guess you didn't think it was. Yeah, you didn't think it was serious. I didn't think he was going to go in and hit her. Yeah, you're right. My bad. My bad. Because it was like the stories where he was just coming up and yelling at her for like rent money or whatever the fuck he was asking. Because he kept asking for money. Yeah. But I didn't think he was going to hit her. But the story went And he got She got in his face And they started doing this And bumping each other And he had pushed her And like hit her Or something I was like Fuck I would have been there for that I would have so been there for that But instead I was watching fucking videos Can't win them all man Nah You know And I bet there was a lot of ones That you won Gus Parsons Mall Cop We appreciate you man Thanks for keeping things secure Always And yeah man Thanks for spending your time With us today I appreciate everything You've done for me man I can't thank I can't thank you guys enough Oh, yeah.

1:39:05It's been a blast, man. Thank you so much.