E565 Bert Kreischer

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35:38Head over to MoonPay.com slash T-H-E-O, or you can access them in any of your favorite crypto wallets, such as Exodus, Phantom, MetaMask, or Trust Wallet. This isn't financial advice. Trading crypto carries risks and you could lose your investment. MoonPay is here to facilitate, not advise. dude the my favorite one i wish they had video of this i wish i could find this video is we did so you think you could dive yeah oh yeah and you said everyone practiced diving all week and you're like i'm good i already know what i'm doing and you got up to the if i'm not mistaken it was like the 10 meter or like the five meter it was high as shit i went up there in a wheelchair I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart.

36:29And you sang to Amelia Earhart. And you got, and you just had them push you off in a wheelchair. And you had not planned that once the front wheels went off, that you were going face first. And you fucking landed on your stomach so hard. Came up. That was the fucking, please tell me you have it. I don't know. Oh, shut the fuck up. Really? Oh my God. Wow, look how young we were. Bert, look at you. Oh, my God, look at this. This is what all I did was hit on. I hit on Greg. Greg Luganis the whole time. And then he got pissed because he found out I was married. Really? Yeah, you remember? That's why he voted me off.

37:07He was like, you don't tease a man. I do remember driving away. This was in Long Beach. I remember driving home that day. I'm like, I can't believe Bert. I drove you home. I almost smashed that dude. No, I drove you home. Do you remember? Oh, that's right. Dude, I picked up everyone in the car, and Schumer goes, I hope none of us get voted off. It's going to be an awkward ride home. and I got voted off and I drove home and I was like, it was quiet. I was like, so what are you guys doing tomorrow, do you think? And we're all going back to work. God, I was not. This. Dear Amelia, Oh my God. We will come and find you soon.

37:54What the fuck? What octave is that? If I'm not mistaken, it was that kid Cameron pushing you off. That's that kid Cameron. Watch. Oh.

38:10Tell us a little bit about the genesis of the idea. Look how jacked you are, dude. God, I was handsome. Well, Frank, there's a lot of ladies out there that are missing, and I just wanted to kind of put a tribute out to them. Okay. We got to find them bitches. You had the ladies and I think you just lost them Do you have that whole episode? Yeah, I have the whole series Okay, do me a favor Go to me getting kicked off Do you remember this? With Greg Louganis? Do you remember? You did a nude dance for him Do you have that? And Greg Louganis is a famous homosexual swimmer If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive Is he?

38:44I think he was like the poster boy for HIV positiveness Oh wow He's HIV positivity I saw that baby suit I swear to God, I just got rid of that bathing suit. Yes, I told you. All right, go to the end when I get voted off. What are you talking about? My wife never made a rule about that. I just hit on him. Okay. Your butt is so white. You say that it's time for you to pack your trunks. Thanks so much. Now, hit pause for a second. This was the biggest regret of my life. Yeah. Like sometimes you ever do a podcast and you're like, hey, can you guys take that out? I shouldn't have said. Oh, yeah. I know what you're talking about.

39:18Bobby. and so like, now I did this and no one laughed. No one laughed, everyone saw it and it was wildly rolling the dice on it and I was like, I'm not certain. And I went home and I got in bed with my wife that night and I didn't know how it was gonna be edited and I go, I might have just ruined my career. I might have destroyed my career, I might have made it because I was telling everyone I was on this fucking show at my daughter's preschool. I was like, they're gonna watch this? That's insane to do that. Everyone was famous and I was trying to like, keep up with the Joneses. Yeah, I'm on a new show.

39:49I'm like, yeah, I'm on a TV show, whatever. Hit play. Have you seen this? Oh, my God. Biggest regret. Wow, Bert. Were you fully naked? Yeah. I had a great time, Michael. I'll never forget this. Fully naked. Actually, big.

40:12And does Michael prefer men or he prefers women? He's married. Michael I think was being like honest like this is a bad idea

40:26oh my

40:35oh my god that was incredible oh Oh, God. Dude, I thought I ruined my career. Ruined it. And what kind of pecker you got on you there? You can't really, they got it blurred out or whatever. Just so we can. Not big at all. Okay. I'm going to show you two right now, and it's probably the exact same size. Do you remember we took a bath with Lunell? Dude, yeah. Oh, yeah. Me, you, Red Grant. Me, you, Red Grant. Took a bath with Lunell. He went for mayor of Baltimore. You know that? Oh. Yeah. We'll tell this story. Yeah. Do you remember Lunell had two bathing suits on? did she really and she took one off and she goes boys wear your bathing suits and then we took ours off and then she got out of the bath and we were all naked and she took our bathing suits I don't remember that I remember I think Kyle's mom gave me or somebody gave somebody I don't remember what happened one of us came or something Kyle's mom I remember that Kyle's mom was a hired stripper just so we're clear Kyle's real mom instead.

41:42Cal's Roman passed away? Yeah, that's why they got brought in the stripper. Oh, damn. Well, yeah. I remember meeting your mom and I was like, oh, his mom looks like she could make Dream Catchers in New Mexico. My mom looks like she fucking tells on black people that walk out of the store with all the shit from Rite Aid. Dude, that show was so wild. And it was like, bro, they paid us. It was fun. You got to be around other comedians. Tiffany haddish was on there donnell rawlings remember javier um george that one comedian left he left the first day remember george jeff garcia jeff garcia left don't play that i do not need to see that no hang on i actually that makes i have nightmares about that you know where you we know you've done something and you're like oh why did i do that oh yeah that fucking moment oh that fucking makes my skin crawl and this is when you made a promise to your mom in the dark or whatever They said, you're going to bring you in.

42:39You're going to seduce somebody. And the more you turn them on, the better you win. And they brought it in, and it was our moms. In the dark. In the dark. And I told her what I'd do to her, giving her oral sex. I think about that because I was honest. I was fucking honest, Theo. That's illegal, too, to do that to your mother. I think so. Theo did the Native American warbler. I did?

43:10let's make this plan happen whoa whoa i was scared let me say the first thing you have to know is the native american warbler serious panty dropper

43:35you were so good at this you were so good at this was this what was it again no you were so good at the whole fucking game like it got in my head and i would get panicked and i needed the money and you were just fucking chill and i was probably on steroids dude you might have been you look pretty jacked in this i might have been on performance enhancing drugs you ever taking steroids yeah dude you know yeah they just had a new did you see that a new steroid olympics was coming up but this that show was before it's time they should put the show back on the air if they didn't i don't understand they know after that they fucked up man i could not agree more they fucked up and by the way what here's where they fucked up this is where they fucked up they should we should buy that me you donna just people with little money we should buy that and then get all the raw and edit it the way we want to edit it because that is we could do one season we could do five seasons out of just outtakes I mean the shit we weren't allowed to say do you remember me and Red were in a pool with Amy Schumer and she goes what are we going to do now and I was like why don't we play Leaky Submarine and she goes what's that and I go well you're the Leaky Submarine and we got to plug up all your holes and everyone's like can't use that and I was like why it's fucking funny like dude the outtakes we did just there I'm telling you that finale you had it was me chris fairbanks i think schumer red grant and donnell were in a cluster and we were crying laughing at you for one hour straight you were just they would say something and you just honest theo like the person you are today was there that day and you were stream of consciousness and we were eyes my well i'm i've never laughed harder damn that was so much fun look at me and Amy right there.

45:20And she had a boyfriend. I think she was in love with some guy. Yeah, I always thought you guys had sex. You know, I always thought we did.

45:37But, dude, speaking of what else were we talking about a second ago? I don't know. The steroid games? Oh, yeah. Did you see that Donald Trump Jr. or some group is starting steroid with the enhanced games Donald Jr. President Donald Trump's eldest son Donald Trump Jr. is the latest to invest in the enhanced games which critics call the steroid Olympics. I'd invest. I mean listen steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding and bodybuilding is pretty. Have you ever seen natural bodybuilding? The answer is no. Yeah. You're like okay it's pretty fucking boring. You look at real bodybuilding and you're like Yeah, get.

46:17That's what I want to fucking look at. Get on that fucking gas, dude. Oh, I remember doing that fucking shit, boy. Wait, what did you take? Oh, I took... Deca? I took Deca, yeah. Deca. Winstraw? I don't know if I ever got some Winstraw. I got whatever I could get a hold of. Test 200. Really? Yeah, Test 200, Test 400. Test, there was some... I think we would go on spring break, we'd go get it. but some people would always sneak it back in like shampoo bottles. They would buy a bunch of steroids about pouring in shampoo bottles. So it had like this fucking kind of like, like soapy, soapy after days, like you'd be doing curls, but then you'd like belch a soap bubble or whatever.

47:01Like it was, it was really like every time you like, like if you lift it up your arms, it was, when you'd sweat, it would just be soapy. It was smell like lavender or whatever. Like it was a real hybrid at the time, a hybrid type of chemical we were using. And that was one thing that was tough about it. But it was fun using steroids because, and I shouldn't say that. I mean, it was definitely also had side effects. No, don't. Don't buy it. Everyone makes their own fucking choices in life. Look, I'm on testosterone out the fucking gills right now. Are you shitting me? Dude, I fucking love it. I jerk off every morning.

47:38I jerk off every. If I don't have sex with my wife, my dick's hard and I'm turned on. every fucking morning when I wake up. I'm thinking about my wife, but if she's not there, like today I jerked off, she was at the gym working out, or at her trainer or whatever, and I was like, I'm gonna jerk off. Dude, it's awesome. I feel alive, I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life, I'm healthier than I've ever been, I do my liver numbers, that's all, every damage I've ever done to my liver is all repaired because testosterone is repaired to liver cells, yes. It's fucking awesome. Well, are you, I mean, are you still fat or whatever then?

48:12Yeah, yeah. obese, morbid. Okay. I'm morbidly obese. Okay, I just want to make sure you're still, you know, sticking with the stuff or whatever. No, I only work out so I can party. That's it. The only reason I work out is so tonight, if I want to, my wife says, yo, let's open a bottle of Rose. I go, fuck yeah, because I know I was in the gym this morning, hearty shit. I'm going to be in the gym tomorrow, hearty shit. You look great. I feel phenomenal. I mean, I really feel phenomenal. And I will tell you that I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone but I'm just testosterone is just giving me like a zest for life I think I mean the downfalls is like my face is redder sometimes so like I have to get hair and makeup like my face can get pretty red but I think that's it from the testosterone?

48:55I think so that's what someone told me well don't you lose hair though that'd be my concern no I mean I don't know I was gonna get hair transplants Leanne doesn't want me to really I've gotten it before what? yeah a couple years ago I got I had so much stress that my hair got like Your hair looks fucking awesome. Yeah, it's good now. It's clean. Did you go to Turkey? No, no. I went to, I don't even remember what I did. I did it right off of La Cienega, 50 La Cienega. Really? Yeah. A good doctor, though. Yeah, pretty decent. They take it out of the back, and they just put it in the front. It's like just reforestation or whatever.

49:28You know, whenever they take the plants? That's not me, Jesus Christ. Your hair, you've always had the thickest goddamn hair. I mean, look at this picture. That does kind of look like you a little bit. Oh, no, that's me, but that's not my head is the crazy part. Wait, that is you. Yeah, but it's not my head. I never looked like this. I thought it was they shaved it or something. It's my bad. What? That's so funny, dude. That's crazy. Dude, with AI now, it's like anything is possible. What the fuck, dude? That looks wild. Well, this is not a before and after. That's a thing. internet make that a before and after just the oats, buns, hair transplants because by the way if it's not real it doesn't bother you and it's fucking hysterical if you type in Bert Kreischer fat all the pictures have been doctored and they don't bother me because they're not real the real ones bother me the real ones is that really you?

50:29this is really me this is after I got my hair transplant the they put all this they inject all this stuff in your head but it starts to come down your face it's like pain reducers or whatever so at some point you look like god you look like the guy from ghostbusters through too holy shit dude i look like i fucking did a lot of cocaine that was could you do could you do uh uh pills like pain pills oh i don't know if you could take ibuprofen i think there was something you couldn't take could you take like uh pain pills yeah yeah Yeah, they give you two pain pills right when you go in there. And then they lay you down and you can watch different television shows.

51:06My place, it was a lot of Indian entertainment that they had in there. So it was like the shows were Bollywood. I want to do that. Dude, there's one. Type in Bollywood motorcycle dance. So for a promo, I wanted to recreate this. I was going to fly to Bollywood and do my promo in Bollywood. Dude, money goes pretty far in Bollywood. So I could pay like 10 grand and get a full fucking production. Bollywood motorcycle dance. That's it. I bet that's it. Bollywood music video. Guy comes off a motorcycle. These are awesome, dude. And I was like, I'll learn the dance. I'll get all the people. I gotta find the, never mind.

51:50Fucking internet. Look at this. This probably cost$40. Just look at these dances. They're so beautiful. It's a whole movie. I don't know why we don't have more of that. I guess they tried it in Joker and it didn't work. Well, they have a lot more joy of like. I love this. I bet I could do this dance pretty easy. Well, this is a lot of people. These people end up working at Disney World, I think. They have a Bali Disney? Bollywood Disney? Yeah, do they have a Disneyland in India? They have to, huh? No. I went out to dinner with a couple. That's good. And they go, did you? Leanne and I just went to Paris.

52:27And they're like, oh, did you go to Disney Paris? and I was like, no. And they're like, why not? And I was like, because I'm a fucking grown up. And they're like, oh, we went, it's so awesome. And I went, I don't know if I can be friends with you. Instead of going to the real Paris, you mean? No, no, no, no, no. They went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris. Oh. As opposed to just being in Paris. They went to Disney in Paris. Like, why go all the way there? Why, just stay in fucking Disney. Go to Orlando. Save some fucking money. Stay here. stay here and go to fucking Disney for the day they went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse who by the way just is Mickey Mouse it's the same fucking Mickey Mouse it was amazing can you imagine no I can't imagine but then sometimes actually I went to China one time or somewhere and I had to get McDonald's that's fine that's totally fine that's like hey man this is my culture I want to see how you represent my culture but going to see Mickey You go to fucking Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse?

53:30Come on, what the fuck are we talking about? God damn it. Yeah, listen, when I travel, I like to do, I don't want to get up and crack it on and do a ton of shit. I want to sleep in. I want to wake up. I want to go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails, a couple beers, keep walking around. And then at a certain hour, I go, let's start bar hopping around the city. That's the fun way to do it. And then a nice big dinner, close it out at like 2 in the morning. Know you can sleep in the next day. wake up go for a jog that's what i'm talking about you will not find me at fucking paris disney damn you heard it right there disney you heard it don't even come after him do you uh oh i want to talk about that steroid olympics a little bit go back to it because i'm just curious about this this is going to be fucking awesome dude well i'm just intrigued i think we're going to start seeing more i've long wanted to do a game show of like stereotypes versus each other right like there's like family feud it's like the ronsons versus the hamiltons right but i want to see like the gays versus the yiddish or whatever you know like i want to see like um dark blacks versus bakers wait can i can i soft pitch you more ideas within the same context yeah what if right you don't know what the other team you're playing against is and in playing the game you got to guess what they are so like they're all their answers are one way so you're like where's the best place to vacation and you hear a bunch of people go uh you're the uh team you're playing against said uh jamaica yeah and then the other one's like birmingham yeah yeah yeah yeah and so then and then the whole goal is to play the game and try to answer your questions as honest as possible but try to guess who the other people are okay never mind bad pitch because you could just lie and and misdirect people keep going but maybe that's part of there could be a strategy in there that that's how you do it but i would love to see the stereotype games i think that that's where we're definitely headed soon like asshole kids like adhd kids verse uh or whatever you know that's not no that would probably we got to take that one out but adhd kids versus autistic kids yes that would be great dude and autistic kids don't need to talk they do mental telepathy yeah they don't talk anymore they just just saw a documentary on that google it and and you put the two of them against each other it'd be great great but i think there's a lot of like kids suffering from smallpox versus fat kids or whatever.

55:49What about this game show? It's you fuck what you get. That's the name of the pitch. A guy goes up. You bring up Theo Vaughn. You have a room full of 100 women. Ladies, by your chair, you'll see a little panel. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate Theo Vaughn. You can present yourself. My name's Theo. I grew up in Louisiana. I'm a stand-up comedian. I have a podcast I'm on tour Born in March Yeah give him your sign My birthday comes out the day after your special does March 19th March 18th And then you ladies rate him what you think Theo Vaughn is an 8 and you go cool Theo has already pre-rated every single one of you so look back at your panel and see what number you are and they look and they're like shit I'm a 6 He goes, everyone below an eight, get the fuck out.

56:45So it just thins out the herd. And you're like, all right, you are what Theo is willing to fuck. Now, Theo, this is the group of eights that think they're your equal. You can either fuck one of the eights or you can go for a 10. And if you pick the 10, you've got to go to Paris Disney. That's your vacation. You've got to go to Paris Disney. But if you pick the eight, we're going to send you to Bali. And you're going to be on the beach all week. You can fuck a 10, the fucking hottest, out of your league. You can't get her. By number standards, you can't get her. And then you take the two of them on the date and you pick who they are.

57:18What do you think? What do you think? I just like the idea of rating people. I'd go with an eight to Bali. I'd go with an eight to Bali too. I'd go with a six to Bali. Did you really? I would. I'd more my wife, but she's more like a six and a half. Is she? I think so. I think she's getting prettier the older she gets. You know what? I thought that the other day. I didn't think like that. I just thought, oh, Leanne looks so pretty. That's my thought. You know what? can I do a secret time yeah the one of my favorite things in the world I don't know if you did it on purpose or I don't know how it came out but I I've said I've said it a number of times she did her live podcast at a zanies and you came by to say hi and support her oh yeah and she called me bawling crying she goes you know she goes that I'm was so nervous and I was so you know I feel like I'm in a different space and I'm doing my podcast and it you know and and she goes baby I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Cincinnati or something.

58:10She called crying. She goes, Theo came. And I went, what? She goes, Theo came. She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself because they're real people. She goes, Theo Vaughn came out to show me love and give me support. And I got emotional telling it. So I was like, that's what you want. You want to surround yourself with people that care about you. And it's just not about a business. But thank you for doing that. That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done. Yeah, I forgot that I did that, but I did do that. Yeah, of course you did. That's who you are. Sometimes you forget things you do.

58:41That's it. You found it. God, you're good. Can I hire your team? I'm sure it only took them 11 minutes. Look at this. Look at this. Promo video for my new tour coming, right? Do this in Bollywood. Watch this guy. Watch this guy. He's good, Theo. Oh, my God.

59:02Look at this. Turkish hairlines, huh? Look at this, look at this, Theo.

59:09How great is this? So good.

59:18God, I would have been the best Indian. Your hair? That wind blowing in your hair? And I think just my attitude. I would have had a good time over there. You think so? Yeah. Theo, you would have never left your caste system. are you gonna ai theo's face in it i was gonna do you but do me do me do me do me yeah please hey wait think about this looks like this isn't ai you would have never left your no it's just indians i would have found a way out you can't that's india i would have found a way no that's our movie dude cast travelers or something or cast time casters time casters

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1:04:32Yeah. And I'm not good at it. So I did something for someone one time, and the whole time, in my head, I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life. I'm wasting my life. I'm in fucking makeup, and no one's treating me with respect, and I'm fucking, and I was like, I'm just sitting in a goddamn trailer waiting for some 18-year-old to come and tell me it's time, and I can't walk around, and I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life. And a friend of mine said, just giving you a heads up, notice this in yourself. Don't allow yourself in that situation so you'll get a bad rap. It's what they're saying happened with that chick and that dude.

1:05:04Blake Lively or whatever? Yeah, whatever. I'm team Blake Lively. I like her. I don't even know what happened. It just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever. But did you, in doing it, because I know how internal you are and I know how kind of pensive you are. Were there parts of it where you're like, okay, if I do this again i'm not doing that or oh for sure really i think there's some of that i'm still learning yeah like there's just like certain like ways to like do the script differently um to like certain have less scripts we'd have more time to shoot certain scenes like that's one thing it's like we just kind of run out of time you know so it's like we can't you know um so you know you can only get so much coverages or whatever uh what else i don't know if i would ever do the acting again i would like to do the um producing or writing but i do i yeah i only like to i'm gonna say i just only want to do things that i that i am in control of right yes because for me it's just i don't want somebody else to have control of how i look or seem i don't want somebody else to have a say i don't want anybody to have any ownership over um my voice that's it for me it's like when i was a kid i felt like i didn't have i couldn't speak up for myself or something like that i don't know what it is but internally somewhere in there that's what it is for me so it's like i don't want to have to say anybody else's lunch i just want to do what i want to do and if i live or die on that then that's fine but at least it's just me you know do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something and they want you to come in and do something and then they're like, try to like script it for you a little bit.

1:06:45Like my example is like they'll be like, you're gonna take your shirt off, right? And I was like, I don't know. Maybe. I mean, I don't know. It's fucking 10 degrees out here. And they're like, okay, but it's coming off though, right? It's like maybe you just come out and you rip your shirt off and be like, kill a beer. And I'm like, I also talk. Yeah. But it's like, it's sometimes you get, especially if you get a little big, you get kind of typecast as a producer. They go like, so you'll just, like they did it today and we're like he's just come in like a hurricane like with his hands going up like this and he'd be like and but there's no did they you find that happening to you ever no i don't do anything i only do our own stuff like i don't ever do anything that i don't i don't ever do anything else except for like our own things so me and spade wrote that movie i knew that he's a great actor one of the funniest guys i know so he would be able to carry it i'm like the second guy who like is kind of we're just it's like a dumb buddy movie and so i never put myself in a position where somebody have to be like you have to do something like this you know because it goes back to your reason i learned i don't do well in that situation like you know i tried to do a um chris pratt had asked me to be in a movie years ago and i had to leave once i got there because once i they didn't give you the script till you got there and so once i got the script and stuff i realized oh this isn't it just doesn't fit for me it doesn't work with who i want to be there How hard is that to do?

1:08:06To leave? Yeah. Oh, it definitely was hard. It was a hard text to send. I sent it all in caps so they would know I was serious about it or whatever. But yeah, it was fucking... Wait, what... How did it go? Did the movie come out? Huh? What movie was it? Yeah, Tomorrow War. Was that movie Tomorrow War? No. And when I watched it back, I ended up realizing I made the best choice for myself. It took 12 weeks. Wait, with Tom Cruise? Dude, that's damn Chris Pratt, brother. That's Chris Pratt? Yeah, it's a new... Yeah. The Tomorrow War What was that about? It's about People Went in the past I can't even remember It was kind of confusing But it was great It was fun I'm glad that I got to do it Sorry I'm glad I didn't get to do it Jesus But But I saw Chris Who ended up playing you?

1:08:57Just someone They just moved the lines Over to some other guy Oh they didn't like I tried to get Josh Wolfe in And I remember as a substitute But they just moved the lines over to a different character but when I watched it back the guy had two lines and I would have better be there for 12 weeks it just wasn't a good fit right the first movie I ever had a friend did Tom did a movie with Mark Wahlberg no Mark Wahlberg yeah and he was there for like five weeks and I was like I was like oh cool so you're in a lot of scenes he's like I'm in like two scenes I was like you're there for five fucking weeks he's like yeah that's part of making a movie I was like well I'm not making a movie and then I was like I'm not gonna fucking sit in a hotel for five weeks you gotta be kidding me I like yeah that was the thing it was a lot it was a long time it was in Atlanta and also I didn't know anybody on the set except for Marilyn Rice was there and I'd met only Chris Pratt just through Instagram messages so I'd never met him yeah um so it's an easy text to send then yeah it was chill and I actually did call the director too and I called him and uh and just shared I felt and they were they were cool about it you know but then there was like a thing like in hollywood like this guy might back out of your movie so i was like i don't fucking care dude like as long as i was cool with chris everything was fine it was fine with me you know um but that's when i realized oh i can't do something if it's not my own thing and i i'm not going to be able to say oh we're we're keeping that or we're not keeping that or i don't want to be seen like that or this sort of thing then i just can't do that for me it's just how i work you know when i got back from Serbia someone had written a part in a TV show for me and they text me like yo I wrote a part for you and I was like oh I'm yeah I'm gonna do it he's like we haven't even read it and I was like I know that but it's not my show yeah he was like but hold on hang on I wrote it for you and I went okay I don't know what to tell you I can tell I can just tell you yeah that if I go on to your show I'm gonna have feelings and I'm probably not gonna be great and I'm gonna be in a fucking different city for my family and I just got back from Serbia and I kind of want to go on tour and I kind of want to do my podcast and I kind of want to like I don't want to go on to another set and then play a fat guy that fucking eats Snort's Coke or whatever.

1:10:57And so he was like, and I'm friends with you. And right now it seems we're friends. So let's just keep the friendship. And then we don't have to work together. It's funny because it's like if I was younger, I would have been totally opposite. I would have been like, yeah, yeah, you're my friend. Ride a part for me. And now I'm just like, no, please don't ride a part for me. Yeah, I think it's, I'm trying to think a little bit more about it. I mean, this was like, I just remember thinking, because we wrote it and then we nobody wanted to direct it nobody wanted to help us with it no agent no producers were you kidding can wait for anyone listening that's how tough hollywood is right now right now they are not making movies no one i think they just didn't and also like they don't want i don't know if they don't want certain people to have voices it seemed easier for other people to make movies right i'll say that but also wait wait good i know what you're saying yeah yeah it seemed easier for other people to make movies but you mean you mean you two cisgendered white privileged males had a hard time selling a movie in hollywood but that's the funniest fucking thing that there's because there is semi-truth to that but but also we have had opportunities our entire life but also it's like you talk to any fucking writer any writer in hollywood who's like 50 a dude who's white they cannot get a job like they cannot work and they're and and they lose and these are all liberals yeah like you gotta realize a hollywood liberal writer man he's fucking storming the capital about those goddamn scripts that's crazy it's crazy i talked to any of them they're all like fucking dude whatever's happening in hollywood i was like you've had a good run yeah i think well i just then it was like what we have to do is like i don't like thinking that if you say i can't do it there's a part of me that wants to just show you that i can do it right like i don't i'm not a great actor right i know that and that's fine with me i wouldn't say that well i wouldn't say that i'm not real i have some moments that are good in this thing but the fucking therapy movie are awesome that's sweet of you it was easier for me to play like a disgruntled person kind of than i think um like a dumb buddy kind of thing it's for some reason i've felt like that but then also i'm like going back and looking at the things and i'm like thinking of what else needs to be in this scene my like my mind's kind of like all over the place but i do think that it's funny the script is super funny um i'm curious to see how it was shot how that plays out and stuff so and i'm just glad that i think when i look back on my life you know i'll be glad that i got to do a movie with david spade and oh yeah and it's like yeah we funded ourselves when we funded ourselves we did like we did it all it's It's like, it was crazy.

1:13:39That's wild to me because you guys are, I mean, David is a legend. David's a legend. David Spade is, like, I always think. He's a legend. When you look at, like, SNL, right? Did you watch 50 years last night? Yeah, I was there. You were there? No, I was there for the 50th. I was there Friday and Saturday night. Okay. But when you watch it, it's pretty epic. I will say SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50 because you watched a lot of it. Yeah. If you're 20 years old, you're like, I don't get why these racist – Yeah, like where's Timothee Chalamet? Yeah, where's Timothee Chalamet? How come Pete Davidson is not in more sketches?

1:14:14Where's fucking – Chaparron. Chaparron. But when you watch it and you're older, you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold. Eddie Murphy doing – Tracy Morgan? Did you see that? I saw the skit with Eddie Murphy and Tracy, Black Jeopardy, you mean? Yeah, where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan. It was so funny. Maybe I didn't pick up that that's what it was. Oh, did you see it? Yeah. Yeah, I saw this right here. Yeah. See the name Tracy underneath it? Oh, now I get it. Wait, what did you think he was doing?

1:14:58I didn't know what he was doing. I just thought he was doing Tracy Chapman or whatever. No, it wasn't Tracy Chapman. this was my favorite sketch ever we can't play it because it'll they will blame it sorry but dude it was great what was I saying but David Spade is like when you look at comedy history right when they talk about comedy history now it's kind of interesting I think because you look back at the last 50 years and there's only like a handful of names but legends like Belzer he'll be remembered. Richard Belzer? Yeah, and Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Carl LeBove will be remembered.

1:15:41He was one of the outlaws of comedy. And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics. Like, so thick. There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are going to get forgotten and lost in conversation. David Spade will not be lost in conversation. Out of all the SNL people, he has had one of the most probably fucking crystal clear, pristine, hysterical. His movies will fucking forever be talked about. Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Mecho Dirt, the fucking all. He's a legend. And to make a movie with him is like, that's the coolest thing you're ever going to get to do. Yeah, that's what I felt like.

1:16:24I was like, I just have to do it. And we made it ourselves. It's like we made it. It's like we don't have anybody telling us what to do, and that's what I realized. I was like, oh, if we say it went in the script and it went in the script and it went on the screen, if I had to go through a beat on a set to go ask somebody for permission to do it that way, then I wouldn't be able to do it, right? I just – I wouldn't – like you're saying, I just know it would not react well with me viscerally. If someone's like, Theo, I don't get it, you'd be like, hold on. Hang on. I hit dingers. What I do is just tell jokes, and I'm just funny.

1:16:55So trust me that if I think it's funny, let me just try. And a lot of people were like, I don't know. Yeah, I couldn't have, especially like when you see a lot of the funny, like, but also I got to see how this thing is, how it looks when it's done. Like, I have no fucking clue. The script is super funny. We put all our own jokes in it. We wrote it for two years. Like, we definitely. So, but I have no clue how it goes from doing the scenes, which are all done out of order, to then it being an actual, you know, how it like that. I cannot, my brain can't matric or like figure all that out. Like, but we had some funny, like Nate Diaz has a role in it.

1:17:32I saw Nate posted about it today. Tim Dillon plays the manager. Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee came in and did a guest star. Yep. William McCullough. William Montgomery. Montgomery. Casey Rockett, some of the Kill Tony guys. And there's some other, some other also like great actors and stuff. But then we also didn't want to overdo it and have everybody you knew. there's spady right there and uh and nate diaz dude fucking hilarious i saw the picture i saw oh yeah that was cool dude that was so much fun and i think i'll look back and be like man this thing was cost you a ton of money and it wasn't worth it but man you had a fucking good time dude i think when i when i did uh when i did the machine the very first time i was like i'm not gonna drink there's chris avila right there that's nate's buddy um but it's i mean it's a real like when you're there you're like damn this is a real movie yeah and i have one thing i got on set was ice bath and sauna really there's a portable company and they have ice bath and sauna and they bring it and they set it up right there for real and that was like the one thing because i knew i wasn't gonna be able to go to a ton of aa meetings so i was like i'm gonna have to have something to like hijack my system to like help me so i don't you know pew pew pew pew you know or when was the last time you shot a place up never but it's like you don't want to get there in front of a bunch of people you know especially around your friends when was the last when was the last time you fell off the wagon oh man uh what's what's it like when you like the morning after is it is it like shameful or do you go like like is it because that's the only reason i never quit drinking is i don't want to fucking i don't want to relapse Like, honestly, my biggest problem when I quit drinking is getting back to drinking is so difficult because you're doing so well.

1:19:17And you're like, I feel good. I'm losing weight. I feel fucking happy. Like, well, I don't want to drink. And then you're like, yeah, but I'm on a cruise and a champagne. And then the next morning it's just like, the fuck? You let everyone down. Although no one's let down because I never quit drinking. Right. But like, what's it feel like? Oh, I see that pressure of letting everybody down. That's my pressure is why I'm terrified to quit drinking. So you're afraid to quit drinking because then if you relapse and you'll let everybody down. That's crazy, dude. I thought you were going to say it was brilliant.

1:19:46No, it's like the same way. You ever see someone that loses weight, right? Yeah. And they're like, I lost like 90 pounds. You're like, cool. And then they gain it back plus some. And you're like, oh, you should have never tried to lose weight. You should have just stayed that fat. That fat was good for you. Well, you see people losing weight and suddenly it feels like the person that's been inside them is finally coming out to play or whatever. You start to see that coming to the surface, like a fish coming to the surface, you know? Sometimes. Sometimes you see that. Sometimes people lose weight, and they're like, and you're like, I like to have fat.

1:20:14Oh, yeah. I knew a guy like that. He used to clean the pool over at my friend's house. And one time I was there catching some rays, and he shows up, and I hadn't seen him in forever, and he'd lost 170 pounds or something. This dude comes in, and he's walking around the pool, and I'm like, and he kind of looking at me but he didn't say anything because I knew the fat pool guy. Yeah. I knew him well. So you're looking for the fat pool guy. Maybe it's his brother or his son or maybe they got a new guy. I didn't say anything to the dude. So we're out there around each other for like 45 minutes and didn't say anything and then later that evening I was like, man, you guys got a new pool guy.

1:20:49And they're like, no. That's the same guy he lost, 190 pounds. I was like, fuck. Isn't that crazy? You can change. Because when you lose weight you kind of change your personality. Oh, yeah. Because there's a narcissism. And by the way, take whatever I'm going to grant a salt. There's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is going to be their thing. I'm going to get real skinny. I want to get ripped. Like it's okay to get healthy. But like when you go like, and look, if you're 400 pounds, that's not narcissism. That's just getting yourself to the next level. But you can change your personality when you lose weight.

1:21:21What if you could do something and you could change your race? Like what if you like, dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black. wouldn't that be cool just to be like oh you're eating a lot of blueberries like I'm gonna be black next month like yeah we got a game on Thursday like I'm gonna polish off a few before I go into practice that's what I would do if blackberries really made you black yeah you're eating a lot of matzo and you're like taxes are due in April you know how it is fuck yeah trying to say yeah gotta cut some corners what's up with the burritos you're like oh my yard's a fucking mess I gotta fucking clean that shit up Jesus.

1:21:59Yeah, somebody's got to do it. What's up with the tuna fish sandwiches? Just trying to improve my credit. That's all. Just want to get my good credit score. God damn it. Whoa, what's up with eating pussy? And you're like, I don't know. That's just for fun. What's up with all those hot dogs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Dude, what about being the first gay dude ever? That must have been crazy. Because imagine everybody's straight, right? And you wake up or something happens. You get hit by lightning or whatever. and suddenly you're gay and you're like oh my god like you're just talking to your buddy who you've who you've talked to every day for years and and you're just like thinking like i'm gonna stuff his fucking face with some wiener and you're like what and and then you like don't like imagine that because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside and be like hey this is gonna seem totally crazy to you guys but i keep thinking about coming on jacob or whatever you know and people were like yeah that does sound crazy don't tell anyone that don't tell anyone that you're the only one that thinks that yeah and then imagine the moment where you meet the other gay guy you're like were you were you like i remember i had a buddy one time we were at a beach and he was like hey man can i say something crazy to you that i've never really said to anyone but i want to run it by you and see if you think it oh i say no when people say that kind of shit i fucking oh i said yes i said yeah we were drinking we were smoking weed i was like run it by me he goes there's a thing that everyone says they don't do that I do.

1:23:28And I was like, please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. I go, okay. And he's like, everyone says that if you do it, you're gay. But I do it and I'm not gay. And I just wanted to like run it by you and see if you do it. And I said, okay, what's the thing? And he goes, I jerk off. And I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders. I jerk off too. I jerk off too. Oh my God, I thought I was the only one that jerked off. I thought I was gay because I jerked off because that's what they tell you at Catholic school. You don't jerk off, don't touch yourself. It means you're gay.

1:23:58You want to play with dicks. That was what most being gay and meeting another gay for the first time feels like where you're like, oh my God, I want to suck dick too. God. But how do you let them know? Do you just be like, hey. I would love to see that. I would love, I would love. Two gays in the wild or whatever meeting each other? Yes, like a Richard Attenborough movie where they're like, okay, we have at that lunch table two gay men the Memphis homosexual yeah and then you can watch them kind of feel each other out yeah perusing the whole foods produce section what I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player who then is like you can't tell me I'm gay I'm gonna beat your fucking ass and you're like okay you know yeah like that's like yeah like why do I get my ass beat just cause you're being gay or whatever that doesn't make any sense I wish I could You could find out.

1:24:51Wouldn't it be cool if like on Instagram, I guess you could, but you could find out every gay dude you ever knew growing up. And apologize to him or whatever. No, I don't need to apologize just to know who they are. Oh, yeah, to see who they are. Yeah, dude, I think in the future you'll be able to know immediately if somebody's gay. My buddy's dad used to get, he'd get like the hiccups if people were gay. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, like allergic to gay people? No, he would just have like a, he would just like, he'd be like. And he. Like an allergy? Yeah. Like all of a sudden if a gay person got too close to him, he'd go.

1:25:27And you're like, uh-oh. You're like, I hope it's not me. Someone get him a glass of water, quick. Count to 10 while you're drinking. 10 sips. Yeah, stand on your head. Stand on your head, quick, quick, quick, quick. Either that or you're getting the fuck out of here. Stand on your head or somebody's gay, dude. It's just so crazy that being gay was always like the funniest thing, though, too, to people. Like, you know. Yeah. It still is funny, I think. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's like. Because it's so different. I mean, I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys. I'm sure they do about, like, the way we think.

1:25:59And they're like, oh, yeah, I want all that pussy. Yeah. Oh, my God, who wants pussy? Yeah, they want that long pussy, that wiener. I mean, everything, everything. Like, you ever seen white people make fun of. Black people make fun of white people's texts? Uh-uh. Is it good? It's so good. But like the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate. Black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate on a text. And they think it's crazy. They're like, shut up.

1:26:32There was a text, H-O-S-B. And they were like, what do you think? It's a black dude reading it. He speaks white. And he goes, they go, and his white girlfriend's like, what is H-S-O-O-B? What would that mean? and he goes, oh, I know what it means. It's hold on one damn second, buddy. And everyone's, and they're like, what? They put buddy on the end of it? And he's like, oh, yeah. But they find that funny. So everything, you can find everything funny. Like, I still think, like, I put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time, and I went up behind Tom, and I went. Actual glass, wine glass? Yeah, wine glass.

1:27:12Ooh, that's very dangerous. Yeah, and I went up to him behind his shoulder. Oh, yeah. And I went, cocktail? And he turned around. I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do. Yeah. I love it. I love it. I love. I used to do this thing where I would pull my nuts up over my wiener. Right. That's not where I thought you were going with that. You're kind of laying on your back, nuts up over your wiener, kind of wrap your wiener. So it almost looks like a half, like a baby head coming out of your body. Right. And you'd be like, I'm having a baby or whatever, you know? Yeah. And, um, and then people would be like, what the fuck are you doing?

1:27:46you'd have to fucking kind of run off and hide or whatever wait what the fuck are you doing we're in a library what the fuck oh dude there was nothing more crazy than being at the fucking library when you were a kid it was basically just like it was like a couple thousand square feet of you hiding from a lady who's like obsessed with Voltaire or whatever and you and your friends were just in there being loud there was like one other person in a wheelchair in there it like never made any fucking sense they're just in there They're just like wandering the halls of the old internet or whatever. They wanted to teach us the Dewey Decimal System so bad when we were kids.

1:28:21The library was always ridiculous, I felt like. What was I going to ask you about? Oh, so yeah, I wonder if people would watch the Stairway to Olympics or if it would be too much for people. Why not? Because you're going to get people that are going to be risky. No, but why even have the regular Olympics? Well, regular Olympics are regular. You know, the playing field is even. Playing field is even when you use drugs. yeah right i mean i mean why honestly like if you're like okay uh what are you gonna watch i want to watch high jump a guy can high jump seven feet and you're like that's cool like there's a dude 10 feet you're like what do you mean like over a basketball hoop like yeah 10 feet it's like fucking crazy and they light it on fire and you're like oh what put that one on it's like i mean it's just like like supply and demand what do you want to watch you know a guy sprint like sprinting is pretty cool right the sprinters are pretty cool noah lyle tyreek hill i want to watch that head to head but what if they bring in a guy that's like oh he fucking smokes those guys and you get to see a real blur of a human just like a cheetah and you're like whoa i mean physical capabilities when you see people it's like the natural bodybuilding versus why would you ever put the two together i want to see the big ones but but what i just worry about their ramification like if somebody's but i guess if they want to do it but you're gonna blow your body out how great was baseball when mark mcguire and sammy sos were how great was baseball to your point it was so fucking great and then they ruined it by taking steroids away and these guys weren't i mean look i don't know what they were doing i don't know steroids yeah but i think it was all for recovery i mean it wasn't wasn't like they were like i don't think they were doing deck i think they were doing trt if i'm not mistaken i don't remember i don't really know but they were pretty jacked they weren't something their heads were growing that's the thing it's like if my My head's growing.

1:30:08Your head is? I have a size 8 head, and now my head, size 8 hats. Because of the TRT? I guess. I don't know. Well, that's the thing, dude. It's like if you start getting on the drugs, then you're going to have a lot of forehead monsters out there just wandering around, you know, just fucking... I just wonder what type of intention is jumping into the stands and fucking punching their wife or something. Yes, yes. Like you're going to have shit, like it's just going to get pretty intense. Somebody throw the javelin out in the fucking parking lot or whatever. and hit that guy that works in the booth?

1:30:39HGH. Okay, that's a real one. Human growth hormone is a crazy one. That's a crazy one. You show up and their hands are bigger and shit, and they can catch a fish. They can just easily catch a fish and shit. They don't even... Yeah, before and after pictures of Barry Bonds is fucking insane. Oh, yeah, brother. Look at him. Look at him. Yeah, it's like you're not even... It's like... But your skeleton and stuff grows. That's the thing, dude. Or what if then they had the fasting games? It's like people that haven't eaten in months or whatever and they have to play they have to do the Olympics and it's just like this It's like going up two stairs or whatever.

1:31:13I pitched it for UFC or getting out of a blanket fully But you haven't eaten in like months and you're just so you have no energy. I like that I would I want to more asmr type of game. I challenged is Israel Adesanya to as a joke, but just was like I would love to fight him, but we both got to drink 12 beers first and Izzy was like I talked to Izzy about it and he was like I'm not gonna lie it'll be an interesting fight because he's like I'm not a big drinker so I'd be fucking wasted and I was like 12 beers doesn't do anything to me like what if you put Shane Gillis and like and like Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't drink but Shane Gillis is gonna drink 12 beers and not feel a thing oh I think it'd be I think Izzy would beat the ever living shit out of both you guys to be honest first of all yeah i think so because it's really just taking both of you guys the same which your current levels giving you each 12 beers yeah just giving us 12 beers we haven't increased our level at all yeah yeah we're trying to diminish his but even after 12 beers he still is a professional fucking fighter yeah so that's a part that would be risque he came to My New Zealand show.

1:32:27And I had said it a couple times on Two Bears that I wanted to do it. And he came up. And they're like, I get a text. They're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show. And I was like, okay, but I've said some joking, wild shit. Like I said it about everyone. I do it to everyone. I did it to Connor. I just like guys I know have sense of humor. Cage Fighters, I love those guys. Michael Chandler, all those guys. Michael Bisping, they're funny fucking dudes. Oh, yeah, most of those guys are. Most of them. There's a couple that aren't, but I just don't think they get comedy. But I don't mention those guys.

1:32:55Sugar Sean, fucking great dude he is fucking awesome he has the best sense of humor dude, Connor, hysterical Nate Diaz, fucking love Nate Nick, all of them but I was like I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor and everyone's like he does, he does and they're like I get a text, can I come to your show and I was like yeah of course DM or something so I get him tickets and he comes back and he's with all his buddies and comes over and he's like hey the machine and he grabs me and he holds me by the neck real tight and he real quick brings his knee to my stomach. He goes, you still want to fucking fight me?

1:33:28And I went, no. And he goes, ah, just kidding around. I was like, oh my God, I would have been fucking destroyed. This man is so fucking strong and so quick and just bigger. Yeah, I think they'll just gift wrap you. Like they work at the mall at that place where you get that nice wrapping or whatever. He'll fucking tie you up with his feet. It'd be crazy if he gift wrapped you with his own feet. Do you? You guys have a 5K coming up, I saw. Oh, yeah. Two pairs of 5K. Are you going to run? Run, run. I'm not going to run this year. Why not? I just can't do it. Why? I just don't think I could do it.

1:34:03Yeah, you could. I don't know. Theo. And Jelly Roll's on it, though. Dude, I saw Jelly Roll. Is Tom on a Zempick, do you think? Is Tom on a Zempick? I don't know. Huh? No, he just works out really hard. He looks so thin here. No, that's not him. Those are different bodies. But he is very thin. Right now he's like 186 pounds. Oh my God. Yeah, he's really thin. He works out really hard. He watches everything he eats. Wow, so he's really locked in on that. He's really locked in. I saw Jelly Roll two nights ago. The healthiest I've seen him look. Jelly is down 130 pounds, and he looks fucking great.

1:34:40And the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark. They look happy. You look immensely fucking scared of getting some results back. Yeah, I don't know why they picked that picture for me. but anyway we did this as a lark on two bears me and tom said well just do a 5k because i've always run i ran the la marathon i've run half marathons tough mutters uh spartan races i've done all of them i enjoy the event the event for me is fun 5k is so digestible i just ran travis barkers in new orleans over the super bowl and uh and i said you know tom let's do a 5k and i've always had stupid ideas like big tentpole stupid ideas that never pan out and tom's like yeah let's do it we called a bunch of celebrities on our you know comics just friends on the show everyone committed barely any of them showed up but jelly roll hold it heard it and he went on elk boys podcast and he was like um i think i need to get in shape and by the way type in jelly roll on busting with the bears you forget how big he was and so he said i'm going to commit to bert and tom's two bears 5k and i'm doing my first 5k and he started training and i get facetimes from him he's like i hate this it's just get any better i was like it doesn't it takes a while before it starts getting better and he did came out like like good to his word came out to la did the 5k with me my i wore a 50 pound weight vest look at how big wow he's big right there how big he was he looks so man i saw him the other night i literally grabbed his face and i was like oh my god he looks great dude look at it by the way look at fucking taylor look how big taylor looks taylor's so lean now somebody He said he's modeling or something.

1:36:16It's crazy that his wife married that, and then now she gets that. She gets like a really skinny, good-looking dude who looks like he listens to Blink-182. All the small things. Yeah, totally. He said he got all the small things tattooed right above his cock, too. That's what I heard. So Jelly came out for the Two Bears 5K last year, and we did it. And I wore a 50-pound weight vest. He did it last year? He did it last year. He did it last year. He lost like 70 pounds. People Magazine did a big write-up on him. He really kind of eventized the event because I think Jelly was just starting to really, really pop.

1:36:53And everyone's like, good for him. And then people were like, I can do that. Like Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race. Like, dude, I'm proud of you. And we walked it. Me, his wife, Bunny, and my wife, Leanne, and him. We walked the whole thing. Oh, that's awesome. As we crossed the line, he was crying. Bunny was crying. Leanne was crying. You know I was crying. and Jelly's like, you might have, Bunny said to me, you might have saved his life from whatever this stupid idea was. And so from that moment, he's like, yo, we're doing this again this year. So we're doing it in Tampa, May 4th at Raymond James Stadium.

1:37:25And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's going to be such a big fucking event. Like it is. Y 'all are doing it at Raymond James Stadium? We're doing it in the stadium and then we're partying on the field after. We've got fucking polar plunges, saunas. We've got a rope climb. We've got. people are coming out and doing it with y 'all? People are doing the 5K. I'm going to do it I think I'm doing it three times. So I'm going to run the first heat. I'm going to run the second heat. And then I'm going to run the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne. And how far is it? Seven miles? No it's three miles.

1:37:54It's so doable. Oh it is? You could do it Oh I could do it. Yeah I know I could do it. Well here's what happened to me. I broke my toe like probably three weeks ago. So I'm dealing with that right now. Which toe? Big toe? Second from the right. The one next to the little piggy or whatever. And uh Wait what foot? Right foot. second from the right the little next to the little piggy yeah i broke it dude and so it's been miserable so i haven't been able to there's so many things i've been able to do what do you do for working out i do a lot of yoga right now and then i'll just do like circuit training but like find like four exercises do four reps of them you know and do that four times and then i'll do like three blocks of those yeah but this past three weeks has been miserable it's been like sucks when you break it's out dude it's unbelievable i was like you got to be kidding me you can't hardly do anything.

1:38:37I can't even push off into a good hug with anybody. People are like, you can't even fucking hug or whatever, you pussy or whatever, you hug pussy. I dropped a whiskey bottle on my three toe, my big toe, the toe next to it and the toe next to that, and I shattered them. And I was like, what do I do? And they're like, nothing. I just had to wait and wait. It was my big toe. I was barefoot for three months. It was so, it happened December, it happened January 1st. January 1st. so it's been a month and now they're fine they're fine already? yeah testosterone helps huh? oh so reparative what are you doing?

1:39:15I'm just afraid I'll lose my hair you're not going to lose your hair you can always give so much fucking hair can I have some? no I would love some of your hair but here's what happens people say you're not going to lose your hair and then you fucking well I tried TRT one time a few years ago and I lost some of my fucking hair no yeah motherfucker I did god damn it is that wait can I see the new hair? huh? is that new hair? you can't really see it They just kind of put it in there. And I think my hair that I lost because of stress actually grew back. I think I just had so much stress. You look like you have a ton of hair right now.

1:39:42That I was shedding. What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs. So then it'll be perfectly peppered. Somebody save me. You had also my favorite musician right now. One of anyway, Stephen Wilson Jr. was on your podcast. How great is he? Every bones Tethered You wanna change my name Gotta drain my blood Everything I am Is everything he wants He's the best dude He is really great I'm a song I'm a song I know you love that one I've listened to that one a couple times It's not my favorite You're serious? I've listened to it Because I know you like it Yeah I've listened to it It's just And I know how much you love it I love it dude Because it's so beautiful I remember the song I lost my virginity to.

1:40:33I remember the song I got my first car to. I remember the song that Leanne and I fell in love to. I remember the songs for me, like I get very emotional to listen to music. I mean, every one of these episodes, I'm like, yo, don't put the camera on me, I'm crying. And did you hear what happened when I did it with him? He goes to start playing, and he starts playing I'm a song, and I, so he went, and he goes, and he had to stop. He goes, Bert, can you please not cry like that? Like I cried out loud. But man, music for me is so emotional. Red Clay Strays came over to my house and played. and I was like shut the fuck up Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world you know Goose my best friend Scott loves them but I haven't listened to them that much I've had very very I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these this band is so fucking great but I've been very blessed to have all these guys and girls come over and play music for me because I just I love music and I think sometimes I'm good at a podcast if I'm talking to you because I don't know.

1:41:31But sometimes with younger comics, I'm at the best because I don't like, I don't know. I'm not great, you know? But with musicians, I'm so much, I'm so fascinated by their process and who they are and I don't know anything about them and you get to kind of deep dive them and you've had some great fucking musicians on. I mean, I saw Billy Strings live the other night. Oh yeah, he's so great. Billy Strings? He took me fishing one day too. He's such a special guy. For real? Yeah, he's just the most, he's so normal he's he's so not a celebrity you know he's just a normal guy do you think you're not a celebrity uh i think i don't like the celebrity part of it i don't see a lot of value in it but like you get a lot of access to cool shit it's a mirage yeah like that's the only thing i see that you like about celebrity is and i wouldn't say that you like it but i noticed that you travel and go see the events you want to see.

1:42:26Like you get to go do everything. Like I look at yours, I'm like you're at UFC, you're at fucking Jelly Roll Show, you're at Kid Rock Show, you're like at the fucking Republican National Convention or whatever the thing, the inauguration. Like I look at that and I go, that only comes with celebrity. You don't get that if you're just talented. You got to be famous and talented. And so I think I see you leveraging that in the best way. that you're filling your interests. I think I saw you with Caitlin Clark. Oh, yeah. And I was like, that only comes with celebrity. And so... Well, I'm a fan of hers.

1:43:02I'm friends with her boyfriend. Really? Connor, yeah. Connor Clark? No, Connor. It'd be crazy. It'd be illegal, it sounds like. Connor McCaffrey. Wait, hold on. Is she dating Christian McCaffrey's brother? No, I don't think they're related. But we went up to watch Caitlin, me, and Caleb, and then that's how we met Connor. You interviewed Jessie Murphy? Jessie Murph. Jessie Murph? Yeah, she's the best. That's the little girl that sings Cigarette Cardinal with Jelly Roll. Oh, Wild Ones. Wild Ones. I got a wild open. I got a 45 on them and I think about 102. Always smoking something. I ain't worried about nothing and I ain't got nothing to lose.

1:43:48I got a thing for the wild.

1:43:55I texted, I DMed her one time. I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it. What did you think of the Super Bowl halftime show? The Super Bowl halftime show, I tweeted about it that I thought it was boring, right? And I only know, like, I'm not a big Kendrick listener, right? Okay. And then a couple days ago, I ended up taking down my tweet, actually. it is i just felt like well i guess i felt like why am i judging this i don't fucking know you know i'm saying i think sometimes you forget that like people are gonna make a big could make a big deal out if you tweet something that you can't just say like fucking whatever you want without some people having like reactions to it maybe well dude i mean i think i think it i'm sure you've had gotten negative feedback in your life and you just go well that wasn't my intent and then if you ever talk to that person they're like oh i didn't know you're gonna see it and you're like like if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours and he sees it and then he's like oh fuck I know that sucks right yeah right I thought about that but then I also I know I just thought about like why am I I think like two days that I was like why am I why am I judging this guy and then people are gonna judge me like what kind of energy am I really creating I don't think that's what I thought when I was tweeting and I was just like oh this is fucking you know I just it was it didn't feel like it was for me I don't know I didn't know enough of his songs I think that was the I mean I think there was a bunch of issues.

1:45:13I think number one is his catalog. His catalog is very big in the culture. In white culture, I don't think there's enough crossover. He's only had like two crossover songs. I think he played both of them. But I'll tell you, being there, I was sitting next to Jameis Winston when it happened. And man, we loved it. It was really fun in the stadium. Maybe on TV it didn't translate, but it was really fun in the stadium. The interesting person's take was Kid Rock's take. Did you hear his? He was like, because you know, Kid Rock's, you know. I remember he shot those Pepsis up when that fellow was drinking them gay Pepsis or whatever.

1:45:46You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Bud Light. But his take was he did this for the culture. Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful. Kid Rock grew up loving in hip hop. His take was really kind of insightful. He did this for the culture. He did this as representation of like everyone on stage is black. It was all about like inside what they listen to. I mean, Kendrick's a fucking legend, dude. Here are my take, okay? It's fucking New Orleans. Like kind of like why not celebrate Boozy, Wayne, Master P. Like why not the way they did LA? Right. And it doesn't have to be black, you know? I mean, I'm sure there's Harry Connick Jr.

1:46:36sang at the beginning. there's a lot of talent that isn't but i mean new orleans is like a black music town jazz hip-hop i put juvie uh i would have been sick but then somebody i thought that too somebody brought to my attention but most of the people in new orleans aren't at the game probably it's a lot of people from out of town so then it's like yeah it's interesting do you celebrate the city what is the real goal of whoever they put out there or why they put certain people like um stars. But then also, then I thought, well, also a lot of the athletes are black. They may all, Kendrick might be one of their favorites just because I don't, I haven't listened to a lot of Kendrick except for the mainstream stuff.

1:47:16Doesn't mean I don't, you know, that I wouldn't like it. I don't know. I guess I probably wanted something more that a basic white guy would want. Bruno Mars. You know, Jelly Roll, Bruno Mars. Bruno Mars is, there's no one, there's no performer better than Bruno Mars. His shows, shows top to goddamn bottom are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize yeah it is that guy is so talented justin timberlake i'm worth my money new kids on the block bring them back i would be a cool super bowl show maybe if they'd have done like some music over the years but i think sometimes you've just you don't you forget that just because you do like if if it wasn't me tweeting nobody would probably shared it or given a fuck yeah and I don't mean that in a way like an ego way like but sometimes you're just tweeting shit just thinking like this is what I think nobody's gonna care I said I said out loud we should have been a little way and juvie and everyone and then we were at uh we were at doing I did a show at the Super Bowl with Nikki Tony and Shane and uh and I didn't even I didn't even see my critique come back at me but someone goes why didn't you have Theo and Mark here and I was like huh and like this is their hometown they should have performed here and I went oh fuck I was like I didn't even think i didn't even you guys asked me to come do it i think we did yeah actually i just couldn't yeah we did yeah i couldn't go home for the super bowl because i was had to do that movie god damn it that's right i did that i wanted to be there ask mormon too yeah that guy yeah fuck that guy you know i mean there's always something that's going to make you feel some type of way i guess and then it's like i don't know i mean but then i was like why do i fucking care like and who needs to hear my opinion so i don't think like that i'm gonna interrupt you because here's what i'd love to know did you get any pushback when you went to the republican national or the republican inauguration yeah for real yeah i did get pushback about it which i didn't really understand like um i would go if anybody invited me to go the inauguration dude like people on the street where i grew up they're not nobody's ever going to the inauguration nobody from my fucking street my neighborhood is ever going to the inauguration probably ever no they're not some of these people cannot legally vote anymore um so the simple fact that i got to go right bobby kennedy is a friend of mine bobby kennedy is a sweet dude people are like you're not i'm gonna support my fucking friend i don't care if they're if i have a friend that went to jail for even something serious i would still go and you know maybe speak on their behalf sometimes or take them bread or whatever you know like i'm gonna be supportive so yeah some of that shit but i would never hold it against somebody if they went to an inauguration so then i gotta start thinking well that's just odd of that person some of that's on them you know like i've even had friends that i've texted and they'll be like oh it's uh didn't know you were so maga or whatever and it was like i've never ever in my life thought of myself as maga you know i've never thought of you as i've never thought of you as political i've thought of you as just a person interested in living life like that's i mean that's my perspective like i didn't i honestly i i when you went to the inauguration I was like oh that's fucking dope that's fucking crazy like I would go in a fucking heartbeat I went to I went to George Bush's when I was a kid I went to George Bush's State of the Union I went to Bill Clinton's State of the Union and George Bush's State of the Union no one ever called me on it like I was 18 20 whatever 16 18 whatever the fuck it is yeah I went to both I went to the State of the Union like every time we got a president my uncle could get me in and I just think it's a crazy wild thing to see democracy working And like I if I got invited to an inauguration or I got invited to the Republican National Convention, but it was as an influencer.

1:51:00And I was like, I'm not going to. Yeah, I wouldn't. I think I got invited as that, too. I wouldn't go to. I wouldn't do something like that. I'm not going to go like go like I'm going to get you fans. Right. But like if you invite me and I don't have to do shit and I can hang out, I fucking go. I thought it was cool shit. Yeah. I wouldn't go to support like one party. You know what I'm saying? Like if somebody like I got asked to do some Republican stuff like that, I wouldn't go do that. you know um and we just got lucky with that's who would come on our podcast was uh vance and trump everybody got asked everybody was in everybody was emailing with us but they didn't want to come like there's nothing i can do about that and then you expect that i'm not going to go kind of be supportive of the fact that they even came and they came yeah fuck at least they fucking gave a fuck to come do you now i think trump like what they're doing with gaza and him coming in and speaking on that is one of the most fucked up things i've ever heard of in my life kind of you You already lost me.

1:51:51That's how little I know about politics. But so it's like, yeah, I don't know. That shit was kind of crazy to me. But then you got to realize, like, all you could, like, I just have to just be myself, man. And I don't even know who that is sometimes. And so I'm still learning about who that is, you know? Well, you should. I mean, this is why I'm saying this to hear it, right? Yeah. I'm saying this to hear it. But what you have to realize is the people that love you, love you. And then fuck everyone else. That's the truth, is I'm trying to get to that. The people that love you, love you. And fuck everyone else.

1:52:19because you can't fucking help someone that doesn't like you. That person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text. For sure. In one manner or another. They're bothered by everything good happening in your life. It's a reflection of their shortcomings. And they're like, didn't know you were so MAGA. And you're like, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, if you ever think you could, I would never let anybody even put a pin in me that's described me as part of one group anyway. I will never be part of one group. I wouldn't even do that to myself. This is who I am. I'm vegan. They don't even have the fucking group that I am, you know?

1:52:56Buddy, they do not have the group you are. And I think they don't have the group that a lot of us are. They don't have my group. We're more complex than just being like, you're this or that, you know? Yeah. If they said we had a fucking 30K struggling alcoholic guy who's in therapy with his wife, you know what I'm saying, who loves a fucking good brisket and Johnson Brat, you know what I'm saying, and cares about his kids a ton, where's that group my group doesn't exist my group i love when they want to put me in my group and go hey man uh uh you have a problem with your drinking and i go i'm doing pretty good that's a good point dude anybody that says you have a problem you're doing pretty good it's always guys in the system or whatever it's called and they're like hey man you know you have a drinking problem i go okay i had a guy tell me i won't say his name but i'll tell you after he goes just because you think you have to make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you you have three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good.

1:53:49You think that that didn't mean you have a problem? I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means. I think that means that like I got fucking feelers around me and if something goes sideways, they tell me, but like right now we're doing pretty solid. So like I go, I, I said it on a podcast a long time ago and I got a lot of heat from people in the system and they were like, uh, I said, I said, sometimes I think the problem is the person and it's not the booze or the alcohol. It's going to show its head up in another place. You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction.

1:54:16It's like you got to take care of the problem. And if you don't have the problem, like if you don't have the problem, then maybe you should look at that. Like my wife was a big drinker in college and quit drinking thinking she was an alcoholic. And then realized, oh, no, my parents were split up. I had a shitty childhood. I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that when I drink, bring those to the top. She did it. my wife never drinks. She will drink every now and then. Doesn't even give a fuck. And I was like, oh wow, I want to be like that. I want to be like that where you go like, yeah, I can have a drink.

1:54:49Sure. Like last night. Had a couple drinks and then I was like, oh, I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow. So I was like, I'm going to go to sleep. Watch the documentary on. Hey, do you think in Japanese Netflix, how do you think they title the World War II movies? Do you think they're like World War II, we were also in it? because like I was watching World War II Road to Victory is the one we get because they have Japanese Netflix Almost Good Almost Good, so close World War II I watched Inglorious Bastards with a German guy Oh yeah That's uncomfortable Oh with a German Yeah it's like watching Django Unchained with a bunch of black guys Yeah yeah that's not really a post game movie he's like oh those are really bad guys man yeah damn them guys was bad homie none of them look like my grandfather i know huh damn bro shit got real um what else do we want to talk about okay uh is there anything else you got your special coming out special comes out march 18th march 18th yes and uh i think it's i think it's my best one lucky because i'm luckiest man alive you know yeah it might be right about you buddy i am think about if i pitched me to you i wouldn't believe it right 25 years old in college been in college seven years roughly yeah rolling stone no degree no chances of graduating no hopes of graduating uh no no real direction in life uh rolling stone magazine discovers me and calls me the number one party in all the country and a buck and ears fan at that time and a bucks fan back when the bucks and the saints sucked gonna test a verti jersey dude back when you were just waiting for the 49ers coming down and beat your from Florida, from Florida, before anyone knew what a Florida man was.

1:56:41Those were all my uncles and my fucking brothers, all my people in my life, all around Florida, man. Rolling Stone Discover Magazine discovered me called the number one party in the country. Oliver Stone options are rights to my life. I moved to New York. Within six months, I get a development deal from Will Smith. That's weird now, but I moved to LA. I get my first TV show on the X show. I then get another development deal at CBS. I meet the love of my life. I keep working in TV. I get fired. I get on travel. I mean, all the things that have happened to me are so goddamn lucky that I look at it and I go, I don't deserve to be where I am.

1:57:14I have the greatest group of friends, meaning like my friends, you included, are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world. The funniest people in the world. But yet people who will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast when they don't need to. Like that's my friends, right? Tommy, you, Joe, Ari, some of them drug me, but like Joey Diaz, you know, it happens. But like you look at your group of friends and there's more than that. I got two great kids who are really fucking well-rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money. Yeah. But they're still well-rounded and they're happy and we love each other and I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been and I get to do what I love.

1:57:59And for work today, to promote my special, I get to sit with you and just chat about, I mean that's like I'm the luckiest motherfucker but I also think I really believe this you have to identify your luck I think I mentioned this in the special you just have to start looking at things as half full and don't like even the bad things go that needed to happen to me that had to happen to me to get me to the place where I could see the luck come from it you know I mean it's like look at all the shit you've been through and then I go thank God like I think I was thinking of it today I was like I hate that Theo had to go through, you know, drugs and alcohol, because that's so not him.

1:58:38And that's never been who I know you knew you to be. I never even knew you to party, to be dead honest with you. Yeah, me either. I never saw it, yeah. And I go, but you know, I'm so glad he did, because he's so fucking grounded now. Like, he seems like in such a better place, and he's got all these great stories about the time he got high on coke and locked himself out of his apartment while he was making a smoothie. Like, those fucking wild stories where you're doing coke with Daryl Strawberry and fucking the Bronx. I mean, you have all these crazy adventures now, but you're so like, like I go, you just got to look at it and go, that sucked then.

1:59:08But that's, that's then. This is now. We're now we're lucky. Yeah. Yeah. No, you got to be here to tell them. Dude. I mean, I, I, I'm lucky. I went to. Yeah, for sure. Lucky. I'm lucky as fuck. And I think if I can put luck out there, like I'd say I bought like a hundred dollars worth of pennies. It's a lot of pennies more than you'd think. It's wild. and I just started throwing them around LA just flipping them on the ground because every time you see a penny you're like oh shit good luck and I was like oh why not just gift that to people and then if I have a project like that I start getting really into it and I'm walking through parking lots dropping them in front of everyone's car so everyone gets good luck when they get in their car it's the fucking copper Johnny Appleseed I'm the copper Johnny Appleseed that's him Spreading Luck March 18th on Netflix the special is dropping you got the 5k in Tampa but you have your double down show that's in Las Vegas.

2:00:01Yes. Oh, that weekend, I'm in Vegas, March 21st and 22nd, over at the Resorts World Theater. Two shows. Wow. Yeah. I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you, man. Thanks, man. We've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see. It's so, man, you know, my girls and Leanne root for a couple comics, and you're in that short list. And so when good shit happens to you, same with Nikki. when Nikki did the Golden Globes. They were in a text thread. She crushed it. But you're in that short list. You, Shane, Nikki, Tony Hinchcliffe. People in my family knows. And it's cool when you get a text from your kids.

2:00:44You're like, Dad, did you see the fucking, what was the Theo? I forget what it was. They're like, have you seen the best of Theo? And I was like, no. And then George sent it to me. She's like, Dad, she's on a plane. She's like, Dad, this fucking, he is. It's fucking hysterical. I was like, dude, fuck yeah. I remember watching George and watched Shane Gillis for the first time. And was like, are we allowed to laugh at this? And I love that. I love that. I'm the luckiest motherfucker out there. Well, we're lucky to be in your presence, man. I feel that. And thanks for always being supportive. And thanks for some of the nice things that you said today, dude.

2:01:14And yeah, I feel lucky. I was driving over here today. I was like, man, my job today, I get to talk to a friend of mine. Fuck. Fuck. That's a blessing. It's a blessing. Burt Kreischer, man. Stay healthy and enjoy your year off of comedy, huh? I think I'm going to go back on tour maybe October. We'll see. We'll see. He'll be back on tour in a month probably, but that's okay. He keeps working hard. Love you, bro. Love you, bro. Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take for our