How to Improve Your Relationship With Money in 4 Steps

0:00Shame around money keeps you stuck more than not having the right tools or strategies. Learning to have compassion with who you are and who you want to be will have you making progress more quickly. In this episode, I'll share four ideas to help you get unstuck in a very compassionate. Welcome to the Wealthy After 40 podcast, the show for Gen X women and couples who are ready to ditch financial stress and feel confident about retirement. I'm your host, Dailene Higgins, financial and retirement coach, helping Gen Xers master their money and create a personalized retirement plan so they can stop spinning their wheels and step boldly into their dream retirement.

0:47If you're feeling behind, don't worry. Continue listening to this podcast, as well as be sure to grab your free guide, Five Must Do Steps to Start Retirement Planning Now at elevatefinances.us backslash must do. And remember, let's make retirement possible together. Welcome to the episodes. If you listened to the intro, we're diving into financial shame and guilt. We're going to be talking a little bit about the two, what the difference is, But I'm sure every listener here, myself included, has at some point experienced shame or guilt around money. And if we get caught up in it, it's going to keep us stuck.

1:40It's going to keep us stuck. But it's important to know that you're not alone. Even successful people, even if they're not going to be honest and tell you, I'm sure they have experienced this at some point. It's just the way we are. It's human nature. But the important thing is not getting stuck in this cycle. And we'll talk about that. But if you have ever thought, I should know better, or I'm so behind, you're not broken. You're just human, and you're capable of change. Today, we're not diving into strategy or spreadsheets or tools or anything like that, we're going to be unpacking emotional blocks.

2:28These types of thoughts, ideas, they will keep us holding back from taking action with our money. And once you learn to release the shame and the guilt, you will be able to make progress because you unlock something so much more powerful, and that is you believing in yourself. Before we get into all of that, I want to talk about financial shame versus financial guilt. Shame is when you say, I am bad, right? I am the bad person, and you reflect it all on you, and guilt is I did something bad. See how there's not that personalization? If you are experiencing shame and you're like, well, I don't know the difference.

3:24Okay. Shame might be you're avoiding the budget. You're not opening your bills or your email, whether it's in the mail or your email, or you're just saying I'm bad with money. You're doing that personalization with the eye. And honestly, overall, you're going to be procrastinating with your finances. And it's a hard place to get out of because shame keeps whispering to you. And it's going to whisper that it's too late, that you've messed up too much. and that you're behind everyone else. This isn't true. And I'm going to share with you why that is. Shame. Why is shame holding you back? Shame creates paralysis.

4:25If you've ever heard the term, you know, analysis paralysis, it's very similar. But you're not taking action. And when you don't take action, you add more shame and you have no action and then you become stuck in this cycle. The longer you stay stuck in this shame cycle, the more disconnected you become from your financial goals, your confidence to be able to handle them really well, and even your ability to take small steps. Now, you have been the one holding it together for everyone in your family. We run a household. We've done really well in our career, helped our kids maneuver through their life.

5:18And now when it comes to your own future, you hesitate because the shame, which is whispering, tells you you're already behind. And you're thinking, if I'm already behind, what does it matter? What does it matter? But I am going to talk louder than your shame whisper. And I am telling you, your goals are still valid. Your financial goals are still worthy of you pursuing. And it's not too late. And if you think about it, you've already done hard things. This to try and solve is no different. And anyone, including you, can learn to be, quote, good with money. Whatever that means, whatever that good means, you can learn it and you can do it.

6:19I've got four steps, four ideas to help you shift and start believing in yourselves. These are not tactical money steps. These are not giving you tools or strategies, like I said. This is really going to have a lot to do with thinking. If you're driving, great. You're in a perfect situation. But step one, I want you to get curious and not critical. When something happens, instead of asking, why can't I do this? You need to ask, why does this feel so hard right now? Instead of focusing it on you, why can't I do this? You're going into the motions of why are the motions hard? Why can't, you know, why can't this work or why does it feel we're going to go with more with a feel hard right now.

7:17This cuts out that self judgment. So I just want to share every May I experience grief, but if I'm not actively thinking about it, you know, I don't know why that's a month it shows up for me. Grief is different for everyone. But if I'm not actively thinking about it, all of a sudden I'm like, oh my gosh, why can't I do this? Why do I feel this way. Oh, why I feel this way because I am experiencing grief. I have to do life differently during the month of May than I do all of the other months. And this is how you can start working with your money. As you're feeling something's not quite right, why?

8:06Why does that feel hard? And explore that. Explore that. And then you learn how to do it in a different way. Action two, remember what you've already done. We have lived 40 plus years, if you're listening to my podcast, and there is a lot that you have done. A lot. There are some big commitments I'm sure you've either been in charge of or you've participated in and you didn't know how to do it before you went into it, I want you to think about parenting, caregiving, career change, health goals, whatever it may be. Did you follow through on a big commitment in a prior different area of life? Think about that.

8:56What have you done? Why did you do it? Why were you successful? But you're also going to want to reflect on the times that you made financial decisions that you were proud of, that you should be proud of and continuing to remember them. Whenever I work with individuals, I always believe that I don't have to scratch everything. It's not about starting over. It's about finding what has worked and create that to fit and work better. As you think about your financial decisions and as your other big commitments, why did they work? How were they working? And it's not about, you know, thinking of a different way.

9:44It's just remembering what works for you. This is why I believe that so heavily that at the age of 40 plus, it's not about scrapping everything we've attempted and tried and done. Like somewhere something worked or it worked to a certain point. And once you figure that out and you can apply it here, you're going to find success. Action number three, I need you to separate identity from behavior. Behavior with money is not from your identity. It is not who you are or what you deserve or what you should be valued. Behavior results from many, many different areas. And your past choices are not your future results.

10:42So learning to think about who you are. I deserve this. I've just got to change the way I'm doing it. Shows compassion in keeping you who you are. We don't change you. There's an exercise I do when working with clients and I have them think of individuals, whether that's somebody close to them or just somebody they admire, you know, out there who they think does really well with money. And then make a list of traits. Like what is it about that person? Why are they successful with money? Sometimes clients will idolize other family members and think about that. Maybe we're lucky enough to have parents who were good with money.

11:30Just think about that why and just write a list of why you think they are successful with money. Five to ten. And then as you look at that list, I want you to star the ones that you are doing 80 to 90 % of the time. Again, we're going back to what you've already done. Oh yeah, I do this. Oh yeah, I do that. And so you're highlighting those and acknowledging those. Then with what's left on your list that you haven't starred, I want you to choose one or two because we don't have to fix everything at once. I want you to choose one that you want to be better at, that you want to envelop as a new trait for yourself.

12:17This will help you find that confidence, being able to build different behaviors. Our final action, you might have to borrow belief from someone else. I have to do this on occasion, especially being an entrepreneur and my career path did not introduce me to anything about marketing, sales, or really, honestly, anything I'm doing here. I am a really good typist and I've done a whole lot of other things too. I'm good with numbers. I'm good with numbers. That's why I'm a financial coach. But I do have to get in these moments where it's tough. And I go to my husband, if you have somebody close to you and I'm like, this is hard.

13:06I can't do this. And he reminds me of everything I have done. At the end of my journey, none of those things were hard. At the beginning of my journey, I didn't know how to write a search warrant. I didn't know how to do an arrest warrant. I didn't know how to do budgets. I didn't know how to go and talk to commissioners about, we really need this money. There's a lot of things. Going to somebody and help them help remind you of what you've done or find somebody who can believe in you until you fully believe in yourself. I will believe in you. That's why coaching exists. As you listen to all of these four actions and you're looking for some accountability, because that's truly what a coach is all about.

13:58If you're interested, without pressure, send me a message and let me know what small step you will be taking to help you get stuck. Send me an email to hello at elevatefinances.us and just say, I am going to be working on this. And in seven days, I'm going to follow up. Okay. Again, no pressure, no sales, no nothing more. I promise. Because sometimes we just need someone to know we are working on something. I know when I tell somebody, oh, I'm working on this. And then, you know, a little bit down the road, they're like, so how did that go? And I'm like, oh crap, I didn't do it. Right? We know somebody is.

14:41It helps us really take the actions. It really helps us make it important and remember to do it. If you're interested, send me that message on the small step you will be taking from this episode. I give you lots of ideas. Send a message to hello at elevatefinances.us. I will acknowledge that I've got it. And then in seven days, I'll follow up and ask you what progress you have seen. to wrap up the episode i just want to remind you you are not behind you are capable of change and you are better with money than you think you are and what it all boils down to is that you are worthy of a retirement that you're excited about and if you've been here long enough you've heard me say, I believe retirement is possible for everyone.

15:36And I love to help individuals make retirement possible. That is what I'm all about. So if this episode hit home, you're shaking your head, you're realizing you're that person, and shame is probably holding you back, your next step doesn't have to be overwhelming. You're already in that position. I invite you to book a free 20-minute connection call. This is a safe space to talk through where you're feeling stuck and to find out if coaching is that right next step for you. Again, no pressure, just support, clarity, and a chance to move forward with someone in your corner. When you're ready, book that call at elevatefinances.us backslash connection and we'll take the first step together.

16:29If there was a lot thrown at you, go back and listen to this episode. Again, decide on one action, one action for yourself to be able to start getting unstuck. This is something that's going to take time as a lot of times our money stories, our money beliefs can be deep. So take the time, be compassionate with yourself, and have that kick in the butt to make that change. Just one little action. Thank you for listening to this episode. And thank you for spending this time with me. If you're not already following the show, be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next. And I'd love to stay connected with you between episodes.

17:15So come join me inside my Facebook community, Retirement Ready Hub for Gen Xers. It's where we're having real conversations about money, sharing wins, working through challenges and building a clear path toward retirement. And remember, retirement isn't just a dream, it's a plan and you get to make it possible.