Gabby Bernstein: Transform Your Business and Lead with Clarity Through Self-Healing | Mental Health | E352

23:45When I'm clear with my team, hey guys, this is what I need and I would love for you to help me get there, that's self. When I'm controlling, you know, for many years I ran my business like my 10-year-old part, right? Little girl. I remember my therapist being like, don't you think it would be helpful if you didn't run your business like your 10-year-old? And I was like, yes, yes, I do. So what I want people to understand is that these parts are on the show, particularly in entrepreneurs and folks that are running a business, because you've got pressure. You've got a lot of triggers throughout the day.

24:21You've got a lot of people that rely on you. You've got people that you have to deal with. Entrepreneurship is very people-y, okay? Unless you're just doing some code in the corner and you're not going to grow a team, but that's not – you're just rubbing with robots, but we're not there exactly yet, right? People need people. and that can create a lot of triggers. And so our work as entrepreneurs often is a breeding ground for protection mechanisms to get really out of control. And there's probably times at work when people are like, I don't know what came over me or a lot of my entrepreneurial friends, they all have a similar quality of the control or the workaholism or the drive.

24:59And to your point, these parts of us have very valuable roles, right? My controller wrote 10 books in 14 years and has served a lot of souls. But she also, for most of those years, did it at her own expense, right? Did it without joy, did it with glimmers of joy, but not freedom, no ease, no calm, no courage, no connection, just a lot of running, running, running. And the beautiful thing is, is if we really want success in our career, we have to tend to the parts of ourselves that are still in those child protection modes. It's so interesting, as you're saying this, I knew a lot of successful people and I can picture in my head who really has this under control and is connected to self just on my interactions with them and how they present themselves and how everything just seems to manifest for them and is easy and they're always joyful.

25:52Whereas there's other folks that I know that are still in this controller mode and seem like they're controlled by all their little traumas from when they were children. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice, too, to have friends, entrepreneurial friends that you can track with. Two of my really dear friends are my brothers, Jay Shetty and Lewis Howes. And Lewis in particular, you know, I would talk with them for years because they've seen me in these sort of iterations of being in my parts. And I remember like 15 years ago or 12 years ago, I was with Lewis and his partner, Matt. And I was like, you guys are freaking out.

26:24I'm like, I just can't build a team. And I'm just like, you know, losing my shit. And I just don't know what to do. And then a decade later, we were at Lewis's wedding in Mexico. And he's just like, girl, oh, you're chill right now. You're still right now. You're in such a good presence. And remember when? You know, remember when? And so it's really nice to revisit our younger selves when we've done this work and to be able to be like, oh, the work works. I am a living testament to it. Hala, you know, I've had some successes in my career, but I don't even think I've even scratched the surface.

26:53Do you think that this is going to help accelerate you? Like, how is doing this kind of work going to help manifest more for you? It already is. So being a more self-led leader rather than a leading from a child place and having befriended these younger parts of myself, which I'll teach people how to do today, and really making it my biggest commitment, my number one job. I am now much more trusting, much more clear. Let's start with clarity. Okay? So the clarity is something that I really lacked when I was in that controller part, right? Because the controller was like, do more, do more, do more, get this done, da-da-da.

27:32The clarity has emerged so greatly that I was able to step back and say, whoa, my energy is being focused in the wrong place. Or, you know, I have to tweak the team so that I get the support that I need. Unburdening the part of myself that believed if I don't do it, nobody else will has now put me into a place where I have so much confidence saying, you got to do the work, guys. This is what I need. Here's the clarity. And here's the courage and the confidence to say, I need it. And if you can't do it, I love you. God bless you. But this ain't going to work, right? And so that's a different energy.

28:08The clarity also is helping a lot with deciding what to do and what not to do. Because I think that one of the things that held me back so much was trying to do so much. and just a few weeks ago, I called my team. I said, oh, that thing, that book course that we're gonna do in May, we're not doing that. Scratch it, done, take it off the table. Let's focus on Australia. Let's focus on our app and let's focus on this one or two things, not that. That was life-changing for me. Calmness is everything, right? So I can show up to my team calls and I can be much more calm because I'm not in that hypervigilant state of trying to force things to happen around me.

28:50And then I think that the clarity also begets more clarity. Self begets more self. So me being in self, as the leader, as an entrepreneur, we're sort of the mothership energy, right? Mothership, that's a better word because it's male, female, whatever, but everyone's kind of co-regulating with us. Yes. And so if we're showing up without clarity, without confidence, just lacking in that creative force and lacking with the direction and just feeling all over the place, we're going to create more of that. We're going to manifest more of that in our team. Not calm, right? If we start to feel calm inside, we start to believe and know we're truly taken care of, that we can ask for what we need, we can have the courage to speak up, we can have the confidence to lead in the ways that we know we should, the clarity to make the right choices.

29:37The team starts to open up to their self-energy. Self begets more self. And so they feel more calm. They are more clear. They can stick to the plan, right? I also put my big girl pants on. I realized I was the one I've been waiting for. I kept being like, you know, maybe my CEO husband's gonna step up. It's like, no, no, my CEO energy's gotta step up, right? Or like, maybe my chief of staff is gonna fix all this. No, I'm the one to fix this, right? And so what did I do? You know, we use OKRs at our company. I went in, I went hard into the OKRs. The tagline of OKRs is like, if your team isn't sick of talking about OKRs, then you haven't really even begun talking about OKRs.

30:18So they hate it. Every week, I'm like, let's go back to the annual OKRs. Let's go back to the quarterly OKRs. It's like, are we on track? Does everybody memorize the OKRs? Do we know what our goals are? Do we know what our key results are? Are we tracking people? And realizing that I was the one I've been waiting for allowed me to become my own internal parent, my own internal CEO, step up, do the great things that I need to do. And then as a result, do so much less, Hala, because now I'm getting my needs met, people are able to do the work because I've asked them to. Because I've created the plan.

30:49Because I'm not pissed off that no one's reading my mind. I love that. I mean, you're speaking directly to me. I really need to take heed to all of this. Because when you're running a big company, it can get easy to just point fingers and be like, do this, do that, do this. And especially as things get bigger and bigger, and you're not on the ground as much as you used to, it's easy to just feel like directing everybody from afar instead of just being super clear on the plan and things like that. And you were just referring, just so everybody is clear, you were referring to the eight essential qualities known as the eight C's that self has.

31:23That's right. Yes. Right? So that's curiosity, calmness, connectedness, clarity, compassion, creativity, courage, and confidence. And let me define what self, and that's why the book is called Self-Help, because when you start to turn inward, you start to tend and give curiosity and compassion and connection through my four-step practice. You give this curious inquiry, which we can do together towards these younger parts. And as you start to offer them that connection, self, the energy of self, that inner teacher, that internal parent, it starts to emerge naturally. Okay. So what happens is, I'm not going to even talk too much about it because you're going to experience, I want to do it with you.

32:03But there's a beautiful quote in the book that's from an IFS practitioner called Stephen Kranz. And he says that self is like the sun behind the clouds. And when the clouds begin to dissipate, the self-energy of the sun can emerge naturally. So it's already here. The adult resource, undamaged self, the part of us, the essence of who we are, the God within us, the love within us, the creativity, the spirit, the confidence, the courage, it's here. You've just built up these protection mechanisms that have been masking it like the clouds. And so this is about calming and connecting and compassionately connecting to these protection mechanisms so that self can emerge naturally.

32:44Okay. So let's do this exercise. Wait, let's do it. What part would you like to work with? You mentioned to already the controller. You mentioned the people pleaser. Let's do controller because I feel like that is probably the most one that I have. So we're going to do it with Hala. And then if you're listening, you can kind of follow along or you can come back and do it on your own with the book. But here we are. So the first step, Hala, is to choose to check in with the part. And the thing that happens often is when the controller is activated, let's say somebody didn't do something at work.

33:16What activates the controller in your life? Somebody did something wrong, like didn't do what they're supposed to do or miss something or already said it three times. Yeah. Okay. Somebody does something wrong. the controller gets activated. What happens is often you might, we, I'll just speak for myself, become blended with the controller, and then we double down on the control. We check out. And so the point of the first step is instead of checking out with the controller, we choose to check it. Okay? So knowing that there is a beat that we can take, just a little pattern interrupt, and that's the first step.

33:46Choose to turn your attention inward. That's number one. We've already done that because you said I want to check in with the controller. Okay? Step two is curiosity. So I'm just going to ask you, you can keep your eyes open, closed, whatever feels good for you. For a few moments, just notice where that controller energy lives inside of you. Where does it live in your body? My stomach. Is there any shape or color attached to it? Probably red, I guess. Yeah. And if there's any images or thoughts or sensations connected to it, you can just ask it some curiosity questions. What else do you want me to know?

34:20I don't know if you're asking this, but I feel like it's probably because I just always have to work so hard for everything Okay, so it's saying I feel like I have to work so hard for everything. Thank you. Okay And how long has that part been around? Forever Yeah, yeah Do you feel you have a little connection to it right now? Yes Are there any images that come to mind when you think about this part? When you tap into it? Maybe just long nights or rejection things like that yeah okay yeah anything else that it wants us to know right now I don't know I feel like sad yeah yeah that's real probably just working really hard I don't know yeah for a long time yeah this part's been working really hard for a long long time yeah I understand can you connect a little closer to that part right now in this third step and compassionately connect and just now you have such nice access to it can you ask that part what does it need what does it need right now better support from the team anything else more organization maybe okay okay a vacation support a vacation a break yeah yeah okay can you put your hand on your belly where you feel it and just give it some breath right now so take a really deep belly breath in holla and just extend your diaphragm and then just let it go.

35:44I'm just connecting to this part. Just let it know that I see it and that you see it, right? That we're with it right now. Also that I really, really can have a lot of compassion and understanding because I've been there too. I understand that part a lot. Okay. And now with another deep breath, take one more deep breath.

36:07How do you feel right now? Check it in. Good. Not sad anymore. Okay. How does that part feel inside of you? Good. More resolved, I guess. More calm? More calm, yeah. A little clarity about it? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah? Are you a little bit more curious about it, maybe? Like, would you like to get to know more about it? Yeah. Okay. Do you have compassion for it? Sounds like you did when you got sad a little bit. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, some compassion to it. And maybe some confidence to get to know it a little bit more, yeah? Mm-hmm. For sure. Yeah. And you felt a lot of connection to it. I mean, I saw it in your whole physical body.

36:48Oh, 100%. Yeah. A lot of self-energy here, Hollis. So in those four steps, instead of checking out and going and overriding yourself and just going into control, control, control, we checked in. We gave the part, which is a little girl inside of you or a little person inside, girl. I don't know if it's gender or no gender or whatever, but it's a little part of you inside. and we gave it compassion, curiosity, connection. What do children who are distressed need? Good parents. Oh, I was going to say good parents. Right, good parents. That's right. They need compassion, curiosity, and connection.

37:25They need good parents to co-regulate with them. So self is compassion. Self is connection. Self is that curiosity. So these self-like qualities, offering them to this part, allowed the part to settle. And in that moment of settling where you had a nice little cathartic release, you had some breath, you had compassion, you had connection emerge, clarity emerged, self-energy emerged, Hala, okay? The bottom line here, babe, is rinse and repeat. Every time you have enough awareness of that part, so the next time you notice, oh shit, the controller is here, I want you to challenge yourself to say, guys, I'm going to step away for a second, okay?

38:10And then I'm going to give you my app because in the app, I can take you through this like a meditation. You don't have to do it yourself, but you can also do it with the book. And I want you to take yourself, let me take you through the four steps or take yourself through the four steps. And then access a little self through the four steps and then return to the team. That will change your career. So much better than doing like a stream of consciousness on Slack, you know? I feel like will prevent a lot of that, you know, just rattling off what's in my brain. That's right. And being able to like step back and come back.

38:42And how would that impact? Is this contagious with the team? Very, very. Yeah. You know, one of the things that I do with my team is I speak for my parts rather than as my parts as often as possible. So the other day I was like stepping on somebody's toes on a call. And the next day I was like, I noticed a part of me that was like a little controlling, stepping on your toes a bit. And I just wanted to speak for that because I think that there's a part of me that still doesn't totally trust this new relationship with the paid team or whatever it was. You know what I mean? And speaking for the part, right?

39:17And then what that does for them is it lets them start to use the language as well. And it allows me to, I have some team members where we'll speak for our parts, right? So they'll be like, oh, part of me got really triggered here. but more importantly the more self energy i show up with the less activated their parts get and the more self they have so it's not even like we have to deal with because remember we are the energy that they're regulating with it's just the dynamic there's nothing there's no way around it right and so when we show up in self we give them permission to be in self and if they're not in self our self energy can hold that and realize okay i'm not responsible for you but i can acknowledge you and have compassion towards you and have clarity to tell you, you know, here's what we can do next, right?

40:03So it's called self-led leadership. And I'm super passionate about this. I really want to teach as many entrepreneurs the style of living, but also the style of working, because I think that so many entrepreneurs are doing good in the world. A lot of your podcasters that work with you and just a lot of what you're doing is really good people doing good work? And do we all need that access to self? Let's go deeper on these protector parts and how to speak to them. So I know that there's managers, there's firefighters, and you say we should be speaking to these protector parts when we're checking in, right?

40:38Can you help us understand all of that? Yeah. So in IFS, there's different levels of protectors. I explain it in the book, but I don't go too heavily into it because Because these more extreme parts, like the firefighters, which is often the addicts, right? The suicidal ideation, the dissociation, the addict. That's a part that I would say you really want to work with in therapy or in a 12-step program or, you know, in a recovery center or things like this. But for the sake of your own self-help work, connect to what it's called managers, right? The protector parts of yourself that are sort of the day-to-day, always-on kind of first responders.

41:16the controller in your case, or for me, the controller as well, the first responders, right? So maybe you have a first responder that's like the people pleaser or the first responder that's like numbs out on YouTube or the protection mechanisms that you have that are the ones that are around on a day-to-day basis. And that advice, I think, is very, very cautious because it's not saying, oh, you're a drug addict, go start checking in with your drug addict part. It just might feel that that part is too stuck in shame or too hard to access. And so I would say really doing that work with the therapist would be a better next step.

41:47So the managers are who we check in with. The managers are the protection mechanisms that are the parts of us that are on high alert all day long. The ones that are just on repeat throughout the day.

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46:15Learn how you can get more out of your.com from a Framer specialist or get started building for free today at framer.com slash profiting for 30 % off a Framer Pro annual plan. That's 30 % off in 2026. Again, that's framer.com slash profiting for 30 % off framer.com slash profiting. Rules and restrictions apply. So let's talk about boundaries. What kind of role does boundaries play when it comes to protecting our energy and how can we set them as entrepreneurs without having guilt? I'm going to sound a little bit like a broken record, but when you start to access more self inside, once again, remember, you have more clarity.

46:55So as you start to heal the burdened parts of yourself and you start to access more of that self-energy, you are just more clear about what you need. And I can speak for this very authentically because I'm living it right now. So now with that total newfound clarity of what I need, I have very clear boundaries. I can write reviews. I'm writing reviews for my team right now. And I can be very specific in the incidences where that thing that happened isn't actually what I want, right? Or what's going to fly for me. It's like, you know, somebody doesn't get back to somebody quickly. It's like, this may sound like a strange boundary, but it's like, you know, I have a hard line in the sand that's really important for me that we return emails within 24 hours to people that are outside the business because I want to be respectful, right?

47:41So unless you have a really big reason, like, let's make sure that's a clear boundary, right? But I can say that not being an asshole. Yeah. And so when you have that clarity and you have that confidence and you have that courage, boundaries become effortless. They become almost like second nature. It's almost strange if you wouldn't be creating boundaries because you just have so much clarity that we wouldn't override it. And so it's not like it becomes more effortless. And so it's going to sound like a broken record, but keep coming back to these steps to keep connecting to self. And the more self you're in, the easier it is to create those boundaries.

48:14If you have a boundary you want to create with a person in your life, go do the four-step check-in, get back into self, then go and say what you need. That's really good advice. Don't say what you need. Don't create a boundary from a part, from a protection mechanism. You've got to get clarity first. You've got to get calm. You've got to get clear. You've got to get confident. You've got to get courage. You've got to get out of the trigger. Another issue that entrepreneurs specifically have is perfectionism. And you've said before, you don't need to be perfect. You just have to show up. So talk to us about perfectionism and entrepreneurship and all your advice there.

48:48You know, I'm kind of the wrong person to ask about perfectionism because I think one of my greatest virtues, even in my most difficult moments in my life, is just my ability to be like, fuck it, let's go. And in some ways, I've almost had to become more methodical and more pristine about things as I've trained myself to be. But I think that perfectionism, just like control, just like workaholism, all of it is just another form of protection. if it's not perfect. And I see this particularly right now, even in like my young child, for instance, it's like, if he's not perfect at it, he won't do it.

49:19Why? Because he's so afraid of the feeling of not being good enough, right? Not doing it perfectly, being inadequate. So these are young, young parts that were established at a very, very young age. And so we need to be very gentle with them. And so the broken record, do the four-step check-in with the perfectionist. You know, I'm just going to sound like a broken record. But recognizing first also that that perfectionist is very young. If you ask your perfectionist part, how long have you been around? It's going to be like forever. And why is it there? You know, because at some point in time, you realize if I'm not perfect, I'm not good enough.

49:56Or if I'm not perfect, I'm inadequate. Or if I'm not perfect, I'm not safe. Do the four-step check-in again. Like, give me an example. Yeah, sure. Aside from what we went through with me, the controller. Give me an example on how you check-in. Let's just do it with the listener, okay? So let's do it with the listener right now. Take a moment to think about any pattern, thought, or behavior that's on repeat in your life that's pretty up for you. And we gave some examples, like maybe you're getting into control mode or rage mode, or maybe you're a perfectionist, or maybe you check out and you numb out.

50:23Maybe you just use you to avoid. The beliefs or the feelings or the behaviors that are sort of undesirable and on repeat. It could also be something like anxiety. And it could be a belief, like I can't get to the next level. Or just think about that undesirable thing that's just kind of up for you all the time that you just can't kick. And we're going to check in with it instead of check out. So the first step is to choose to check in. So choose to focus your attention inward. If it feels safe for you in this moment, if not, just listen. But if it feels safe for you in this moment, choose to check inside and check in with that part of yourself.

51:00The second step is to become curious. And so you're going to ask a few questions. Where does it live in your body? Where does this part live in your body? Just notice what you notice. Maybe ask the part, how long has it been around? Just notice what you notice. And notice if there's any thoughts or feelings or sensations attached to it. So we've offered it some curiosity. And as soon as you get a few answers and you start to have those answers bud, you're getting connections. That's when you offer the third step, which is compassionate connection. and you offer this part the question, what do you need?

51:37And listen, you know, Hala, what you said was beautiful. I need a break. You know, you're like, I need to rest. I need support. And then once you do that, just take a deep breath and breathe into the space where that part lives in your body and notice any shifts inside. Notice if you feel a little connection to the part. Notice if you feel more curious about it. Notice if you feel some compassion towards it. notice any courage or any creative energy moving through you. Just pay attention and notice what you notice inside. And likely you've noticed a little bit of calmness or a little bit of clarity and that's self.

52:12And those are the four steps. Rinse and repeat. Throughout the book, I give you a lot of different ways to use these steps. I'm going to tell you, this is an absolute game changer for an entrepreneur if you actually apply it. Like if you do one minute a day of checking in with your parts, that will change your career. It will up-level you. You'll manifest way, way more because you're going to be a calmer point of attraction. And then that's when you start to effortlessly manifest. Okay. So my last question to you, now that you've been an entrepreneur for almost two decades, right? Over two decades, 25 years.

52:47Wow. Over two decades. And you've been through all these transformations. Like you said, you feel like you're kind of a new person every 10 years in terms of how you view the world. What's your mission now and how has it evolved over the years? Like, do you feel like your mission has changed? My mission hasn't changed. It's just up-leveled. So right now, my mission is to serve as many souls as I can. I've always known I'm one to many. And I am welcoming the support of the universe. I'm welcoming the support of the team. I'm welcoming all the energy within me and around me to create the environment with which I can effortlessly do my good work because my work is healing and it's a reminder to others of the light that is inside of them.

53:35And that is what's needed now to combat and to balance the energy of the times that we're living in. And it's very, very clear to me. So here right now, thank you, Hala, for being part of that, you know, just helping me carry the message, helping me do that in this moment. Of course. So I asked two questions to end my show with all of my guests. First one is, what is one actionable thing our young and profiters can do today to become more profitable tomorrow? Check in with your parts. Check in. Four steps. Do the four-step check-in. Four steps. We did it a few times, so you guys are pros now. Go do it.

54:09And I'm going to do it. I'm going to recap in the outro. And second one, which you can answer, doesn't have to do with today's episode, just answer it from the heart. What is your secret to profiting in life? Focusing on my inner world and healing myself. Feeling safe inside. Okay. Any last advice to the entrepreneurs out there today? You are the one you've been waiting for. Know that your energy and your sense of connection inside is the secret. That's the secret. Gabby, I know everybody can find you online. You're really easy to find. But where do you want to send everybody to as a first step?

54:46Well, the book is called Self-Help. This is your chance to change your life. You can find me at DearGabby.com. My podcast is Dear Gabby at Gabby Bernstein on social. I'm all over the place. You'll find me. You'll find me if it's resonating. Awesome. Gabby, thank you so much for joining us today on Young and Profiting. Such a good episode. Thanks.

55:10I'm incredibly grateful to Gabby for opening up and sharing so much of her personal journey. Her path from addiction to becoming a powerful teacher and spiritual guide is a moving reminder of what true transformation looks like. I'm especially inspired to try some of her tools for reconnecting with my core self. As promised, I want to walk you through Gabby's four-step check-in once more so you can try it for yourself and begin building a deeper connection with your inner self. The first step is choose to check in. Decide to turn your attention inward instead of checking out of a situation or reacting impulsively.

55:51If you have a controller part like mine that gets activated when something frustrating happens at work, then take a beat, slow down, and interrupt that pattern in yourself. Step two is curiosity. Notice where that feeling or part lives in your body. Explore it as a thought or sensation that is a part of you rather than who you actually are. Ask inwardly. What is this part trying to tell me? And then step three, compassion. Rather than pushing the feeling away, meet it with kindness. Offer this part compassion and ask what it truly needs right now. And finally, step four, check for self. Look for any qualities of your core self that may have emerged.

56:35What Gabby calls the eight C's, including calmness, clarity, courage, and creativity. This is a moment to witness the subtle but powerful shift within your inner landscape. And there you have it. With practice, this check-in can help you feel more grounded, centered, and ready to face whatever life throws your way. Thanks for tuning in to this episode. And if you did enjoy this show and you learned something, then drop us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, CastBox, wherever you listen to the show. Nothing helps us reach more people than a good review from you. If you prefer to watch your podcast as videos, you can find us on YouTube.

57:12I'm approaching 60 ,000 subscribers on YouTube, which is awesome. Thank you for following the channel and just look up Young and Profiting and you'll find all of our episodes on there. You can also find me on Instagram or LinkedIn by searching my name. It's Hala Taha. Of course, I got to shout out my amazing production team. Thank you so much to everybody at the Yap Media family. I appreciate all your hard work. This is your host, Hala Taha, aka the Podcast Princess, signing off. Thank you.