Mel Robbins: Take Back Your Power in Business and  Life with This Mindset Shift | Productivity | YAPClassic

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15:53Hala Taha:Yeah, fam, I built an app in 15 minutes. And before you ask, I didn't suddenly become a software engineer. In fact, I've never written a line of code in my life. But now I'm trending out apps like it's my day job. And that's because I learned how to do it through MindStone. It's an AI transformation company that helps close the gap between having access to AI and actually getting value from it. So this all started when I attended their Breakthrough AI Weekend. I learned how to build apps. And I also learned about their platform Rebel, which basically acts as a second brain. And it actually helps you use AI in a way that completely transforms the way that you do your work.

16:30Hala Taha:It changed my life. I left that weekend thinking that I have to roll out MindStone to my entire team. And we did. So we started with the four-week AI competency program. It's online. You don't need code. It's made for non-technical professionals. And it's really affordable. And so I sent 60 people on my team to take this training. and with that training, you get access to this platform called Rebel, where you can ingest your email, your Slack messages, your Fireflies, all your drive resources, and then you can basically use it as a coach, as a tool, as a thought partner every day. Before I hop on a meeting, I ask Rebel, hey, what do I need to know for this meeting?

17:08Hala Taha:What do I need to bring up? And it will scan Slack and even send me things that I didn't realize what was going on in my company. You can create skills, which create a process that might have taken two or three people and going into different apps and it can do that on your behalf. It is amazing what you can do with this platform. It has drastically improved our efficiency at Yap Media, so much so that we're pausing hiring on a lot of roles. I recommend you start with their four-week AI competency program. You can get access and get 10 % off at experience.mindstone.com slash yap. That's experience.mindstone, M-I-N-D-S-T-O-N-E dot com slash YAP for 10 % off their four-week AI competency program.

17:51Hala Taha:I love what you did because I feel like your book wouldn't have been as big as a success, the five-second rule, had you just put it out right away. Like you took the steps to do what you needed to be ready to do that. You did free speaking gigs. You spoke all over the world. You became the number one female speaker. You researched, you got the science, and you built up the confidence so that once you actually put out the book, the world was ready to receive it.

18:18Mel Robbins:Well, I think there's also something else that happened, okay? Which is when everything started to build for me, and again, this goes to the point where the first skill is starting because you're never going to get what you want if you don't begin. So you have to actually commit to starting. And there's a very simple way you do it. You just get clear about what you want. And if you don't know what you want, here's how you figure that out. Just say, I don't want what I have. Like literally, if you don't know what direction to point, just know, well, where I am is not it. Yeah. So I need to take a look at where I am and the way that I go through my day.

18:55Mel Robbins:And I need to reverse it or do the opposite or make a change because that's going to pivot you in a different direction. And I truly believe that you're one decision away from a completely different life. that doesn't mean you achieve the success that you want with one decision it means that with one decision and for me that decision was getting out of bed when i didn't feel like it getting out of bed when i was eight hundred thousand dollars in debt getting out of bed and going for a run even though i didn't feel like it and it was snowing and it's not going to make a dent in the debt and the fear that i have but it's going to make me know that no matter what's going on around me.

19:34Mel Robbins:I can 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, still do something that reminds me that I'm still in control in small ways. And so for me, when the TED Talk took off, I didn't write a business plan. I didn't. I just started having people say, hey, Mel, will you come speak? And then when I figured out that everybody else was getting paid. First of all, I felt like the world's biggest flipping idiot. And for those of you that are obsessed with influencer culture and affiliate marketing and all this stuff, I guarantee you, you waste probably 10 hours a week just looking at other people who have built what you want to build.

20:20Mel Robbins:And that is also a recipe for disaster because you will start to convince yourself that they already took it, that you can't do it, and you're looking at it wrong.

20:33Hala Taha:Yeah.

20:34Mel Robbins:There is a formula to everything. And so here I am at this point in my life where I need money. I still need to pay my bills and pay off my debt. People are starting to ask me to speak. I'm realizing everybody else at every one of these conferences that I'm going to, and I'm off in the little side room, you know, doing my thing, everybody else is getting paid. And so there's always a formula. And it's your inability to wipe away the excuses and stop comparing yourself and stop talking yourself out of it that keeps you from realizing there's a simple formula for everything. In fact, you are so generous because you put out content that provides a roadmap.

21:19Mel Robbins:You tell the stories from your own career and building your business and in those stories are takeaways. You are literally selling advertising and monetizing brand partnerships for podcasts that the person that's listening to this right now listens to. And you share how you do it all the time. And so again, case in point, the problem isn't, I don't know how to do that. Yes, you do. Because there's people like you that put out content that actually teach people how to do it. And that's a gift. And how sad is it that you know and you see the steps? This was me, by the way. This is why I get so fired up about it.

22:04Mel Robbins:Yeah. Because every day, just like I see, you probably see people like the person who's listening to us right now, who has in their heart what they want, and they are actively working against themselves. Yep. And there's not a single person on the planet that can take anything from you.

22:20Hala Taha:Yep.

22:21Mel Robbins:Nobody can block your path to success. Only you can do that.

22:24Hala Taha:And there's no timeline, right? You started your TED Talk 41, first book 49, 54, starting your production company, 50 years old, starting your podcast, right? There's no timeline. And something that I always talk about on the show is skill stacking. I've seen it with my own career. Yep. And I feel like the best entrepreneurs, they got a lot of experiences. They did a lot of jobs. They figured out what they're good at, what they hate, what they like. And then they designed their dream career and job. I feel like that's what I did with myself. I literally designed the perfect job for me that I'm so good at.

22:55Hala Taha:And I feel like you've done the same. I was binging your podcast recently. And like, they're just so good. When I listened to it, I learned about the let them theory. That's what I was like mostly focused on. But what I really learned is that you are so friendly and that you really try to be relatable and down to earth and you make everybody feel really loved. And you've got this like friend approach to what you do on the podcast. So I want to ask you about that. But first I want to ask you about your experiences that you feel like led you to have this amazing career to be a number one podcaster and author and speaker.

23:33Hala Taha:What are the experiences that led up to that that people don't realize?

23:37Mel Robbins:Everything. Absolutely everything. Life is the greatest teacher if you're willing to look at life like one giant lesson. and I choose to believe that absolutely everything that has happened to me is divinely ordered for a reason. Absolutely everything. See, I don't learn what I need to learn when I'm successful and I'm soaring and I'm at the top. I learn for whatever reasons when I'm at the bottom of the barrel or when I am in a hole or when I am struggling or when things are really hard. Like I feel like courage and strength and that secret sauce that makes you successful and makes you who you are, those are the things that happen in the hardest moments of your life.

24:30Mel Robbins:And they also happen in the smallest, quietest moments if you're paying attention. And I'm gonna share some examples for this because first things first, as you're spending time with us together today, I want you to think about the fact that if you stand in the present moment and you look backwards, you can see how absolutely every single thing that has happened to you, good or bad, scary or beautiful, like just terrorizing or fantastic, every single thing has led you to this moment. and that you are never starting from scratch. You are always starting from experience because life has tested you, life has taught you, life has prepared you for this exact moment.

25:20Mel Robbins:And I also choose to believe, and this is part of what I believe is my amazing success, is that I choose to believe as I stand in this moment that just like everything in the past has prepared me for where I am now, that this moment is preparing me for where I am going next. And I don't need to know when in the future I'm going to look up and go, oh my God, it was that particular day in Manhattan sitting down with you that I learned X. And that has equipped me for this moment now. And so some of the things that have informed the way that I think about media, the way that I think about my business, because I'm kind of old school.

26:16Mel Robbins:Like I really think that my business is about one person. It's about the one person that has hit play and that is taking time to listen to this conversation. and just like when I take a walk with a friend that my intention is to know that this that whoever it is that is listening yes you right now as you're driving your car as you're at the gym that you are the person I'm talking to because I am yeah and I also know that everything that I'm about to share with you is relevant for somebody that you care about and so whether you get a tremendous amount out of this or you just feel a little bit better you know somebody that is going to get something out of this, which means you can use this conversation to strengthen a relationship with somebody.

27:06Mel Robbins:And so I have always approached everything that I do with this sort of how can I help and one person. And there's small moments in my life that really inform me. And I'm gonna share this story because I think it's really important that you not, like there's this obsession with virality and monetization and you know all of this stuff in business which is important and another thing that has really helped me is I 1000 % believe in full ownership of everything that I do and so I control everything because I believe in what I do so why on earth would I give somebody else a meaningful stake when I'm the one doing all the work when I'm the one that created the five second rule and created the let them theory.

27:56Mel Robbins:And so why would I not keep control of these things? And why would I trust someone else's authority more than my own to be able to market these things? And that is, and because I also understand digital media, which unlike a printed book, digital media is going to live forever. Yep. Everything that you do on social media or on your YouTube channel or all of it, is something you can monetize forever. So just like why Bruce Springsteen doesn't want to give his catalog of music away, he's going to sell it and have a library that he owns the rights of. I think about things that I invest my time in now as what do I actually own?

28:34Mel Robbins:Because that is an asset versus a piece of content that you're singularly monetizing. And so for me, when I look back on my life, there are defining moments and there are surprising moments. And I'm going to take you on a quick kind of highlight tour.

28:54Hala Taha:Yeah.

28:55Mel Robbins:Because those defining moments actually explain why I am one of the most intentional people you will ever meet. And I weave it through everything I do in business. So when I was a public defender, my first job, 1994, I graduate from Dartmouth College. Then I go to Boston College Law School. My first job was as a public defender for the Legal Aid Society. I represented people here in New York City that had been arrested and accused of crimes, and they could not afford an attorney. and I would meet them after they had been arrested and thrown into a jail cell and then transported to 100 Center Street where they would be held in a cage behind a judge and they would be brought into court to be read the charges against them, to be read their constitutional rights, and to be assigned an attorney and to get a constitutionally mandated bail hearing.

29:52Mel Robbins:and I would meet my clients because these are people who could not afford representation. They were assigned by the state because you have a constitutional right to be represented in a court of law by a licensed attorney. And I would walk back behind the judge and I would meet my client for the very first time in that setting. They were behind bars and I had a little folder that had the complaint from the police. and if they had ever been in trouble before, I had a history of that. If they hadn't, there wouldn't be that and that was it. And so that experience taught me a number of things. First of all, it taught me that no matter the circumstances under which you meet somebody, that I choose to believe in the innate worthiness of human beings.

30:40Mel Robbins:I do. I choose to treat people with dignity and I choose to see bigger possibilities for everybody, no matter what circumstances I may meet you in. And one of the things that hit me, like in my heart, is that when we would go out and it was time for my client that I was representing to be charged, formally charged, part of that arraignment hearing is a bail hearing. And one of the things that the courts consider is obviously the charges against you and the severity of them, your history, some of your life story. But the big one is also ties to the community. I cannot tell you how many times we would walk out into that courtroom in 1994, 95 and 96 and nobody would be there.

31:42No one.

31:45Mel Robbins:Over and over and over again. And it just killed me that in one of the scariest times in a person's life, no one was there. And I have never, ever, ever forgot what that felt like. And I have made it a mission, my mission, to show up for people. Yeah. And whether that means that I'm leaving a public bathroom and I take a moment and thank the human being that is cleaning the public bathroom. Because that's a job where you feel invisible. Yeah. Or it is truly apologizing and thanking people for their patience when I'm late. And so that has informed me about how I want to treat people and how I want people to experience me, that I'm the kind of person that actually cares and that sees something bigger for you.

32:56Mel Robbins:No matter where you are, no matter what you've done, no matter what circumstances you face, I believe in the extraordinary possibilities that you have because I understand something. I understand that your past is not your fault. I understand that if you aren't doing well, it's probably, it's not a matter of willpower. It's a matter of skill building. And I also believe that absolutely everybody, if you focus on your mindset, if you focus on your actions, if you focus on how you process your emotions, that absolutely anybody can do better and be better and feel better. And the other thing that that experience taught me is just that it's the simplest things that people remember.

33:47Mel Robbins:And this is a marketing message. Okay. The more complicated you make things, the less likely anybody is going to do it. The more intellectual you are, you know what you're communicating when you're intellectual that I think I'm smarter than you.

34:02Hala Taha:Superiority, yeah.

34:03Mel Robbins:Yes, right? And so I'm obsessed with making things simple.

34:08Hala Taha:Mm-hmm.

34:08Mel Robbins:And even if we do, and so these are core values, right, about really showing up in a way that people feel seen, that people know that you believe in them, that people know that you respect their time, that people know that I see the possibility in you because I do see it. This isn't just some bullshit that I say. I actually believe it. Yeah. Yeah. And the other thing that has, and so that's one thing. The other thing that really struck me is another moment. So there was this whole thing that happened when I started speaking, that when I first started speaking, I thought, okay, if you're in the speaking business, and somebody is paying you a ridiculous amount of money to stand on a stage, you better be dressed nicely.

34:51Mel Robbins:And so even though it was like at a time, and so I'm talking probably like 2015, 2014, something like that. I start getting paid and I'll never forget this. I was at the MGM in Vegas and I was speaking for Remax and there were like 8 ,000 people in the audience. And it was one of the biggest speeches that I was ever going to give. And at the time, of course. And so I, at the time was dressing like a news anchor. So I would wear heels and I'd wear like, you look beautiful today. Normally I look not so pulled together, but so I would look great on a stage. So I'm in heels, which I never wear. So I can't walk in them very well.

35:30Mel Robbins:And I'm wearing a dress. And what happened is I have terrible ADHD and I get to Vegas and it turns out when I open up my suitcase at seven 30 in the morning, I have left my high heels in a hotel room in Miami. And what I have in my suitcase are Birkenstocks. Oh no. And these sparkly high tops. that's it. And I have tech check in 20 minutes. Most people would have stress diarrhea and then just derail the situation. And I'm like, fuck it. Like, okay, I guess we're going with the high tops because we're not wearing Birkenstocks on this stage. And remember how I said that your life is always teaching you and it's either in the struggles or it's in these quiet little moments.

36:18Mel Robbins:Yeah. So I get backstage. And when you're backstage speaking at a big event, it's very dark. And there's like a whole city behind the stage of people in production. And everybody's dressed in all black. And there's equipment everywhere and tables everywhere and cables everywhere. And then there's all this tenting that is the back of the stage. And you're kind of walking around. It's hard to see. and normally, especially if it's like eight o 'clock in the morning in Vegas, for crying out loud, and you're speaking at a massive corporate conference for Remax, the client was, and I was going to give a speech about the five-second rule, everyone's tired.

36:59Mel Robbins:So I walk back there, and they're micing me up for the tech check that we're going to do before 8 ,000 people come into the MGM. And one of the older guys, dressed in all black, He's got a graying beard. He turns to you like, cool kicks. And it was the first time that anyone backstage, even though I was super nice and friendly and not dramatic at all and not high maintenance, it was the first time anybody had ever commented like that. And that was this small moment that I was like, take note. And so then I go up on stage. And as I walked on stage, I felt different. And that was a small moment that was like, take note.

37:46Mel Robbins:And normally if you're a woman who's presenting, most people, whether it's male, female, they, everybody, when a woman walks on stage, if you're too pretty, if your heels are too high, most people kind of cross their arms and are like, this bitch thinks she looks better than the rest of us. And there's a distance that happens because you're focused on what you look like and you're focused on presenting yourself in a way that is like kind of projecting something. Well, God, when I walked on stage in these stupid high tops that are all sparkly and this dress that didn't match and my dumb glasses, people were like, what is this?

38:27Mel Robbins:And so there was an open arm thing. And so typically it would take me like five to 10 minutes and a couple laughs to get to that point in a speech that I call, I'd have a cup of coffee with her moment, which is now somebody's listening and enjoying instead of judging. Take note. And from that moment on, a couple things. Number one, in any industry that you're in, being able to be excellent at the thing is the minimum requirement. The minimum requirement. environment. You shouldn't be on a stage if you're not excellent. You shouldn't be charging people if you're not excellent. You need to take pride in your performance, which means you need to practice.

39:22Mel Robbins:You need to, this is my opinion, I'm going to let you do whatever you want, but really don't hang your hat on the fact that you're fantastic at the thing they're paying you to do. You want to be exceptional? Be fucking fantastic at the things no one pays you to do. What made me an extraordinary force on the corporate circuit and what has earned me extraordinary amounts of money is, yes, there is, in my opinion, almost no one better. I don't know of anyone better on stage. And I'm sure there's extraordinary people out there, but I will claim that for myself for sure. Category of one of one when it comes to what I do.

40:09Mel Robbins:But I know for sure there's no one better when it comes to what I do offstage. Because I learned very quickly that it's the little things that you do that make people feel taken care of, that then make people want to work with you that make people want to hire you. And I'll give you a simple example. When I would land, like when I was doing 115 speeches a year, Starbucks, JP Morgan, Microsoft, like on and on and on and on from one event to the other event, to this event, to that event, 30 ,000 people, 100 people with a CEO retreat, this one. Every time I landed in a new city, I would always text the event planner, not the CEO, not the person that hired me.

40:57Mel Robbins:I would text the event planner a fun selfie of me getting off the plane. I'm here. Thank you. Excited to see you. And you know what that did? That immediately made the person who is responsible for tracking me and who is responsible for managing a million things love me because I just took one thing off their list and made their job easy. And when you do that, guess what people do? They hire you again. They recommend you. And people are obsessed with the people up here when you need to be amazing with the people that serve the people up here. Because those are the folks that have the power. Those are the ones that get everything done.

41:40Mel Robbins:And it is the exact same principle if you want to grow a social media audience. It's responding to comments. It's actually tracking your name or your brand and going to their account and responding. That is the exact same thing that I was doing in person in the speaking business. And so those are examples of how there are little things that I'm obsessive about. Like everybody in my company on a production day actually wears name tags. Because I used to host a daytime talk show. I've been at a bazillion events. It's impossible to remember people's names. And so when you walk into 143 Studios in downtown Boston, you're going to walk into 25 people.

42:22Mel Robbins:We're going to stand up and welcome you together. Everybody has a name tag. Why? Because I want you to feel at ease. I want you to feel comfortable. I want the people that work for me to feel seen and recognized. When you're done with the podcast and we walk out, you get a standing ovation because we're grateful that you're here.

42:39Hala Taha:Yeah.

42:40Mel Robbins:And so every tiny little thing I do is with intention on making a particular type of impact. And so there are stages to this. I mean, first, you got to get started. Second, you got to learn how to just keep going because the other thing that is a skill is stamina. I believe that success as much about not quitting as anything else. As anything else. And it may surprise you to learn that with this book, The Let Them Theory, this is truly the first time that I've had a major moment in terms of the normal press cycle. I have a lot of friends because I'm in mastermind groups and you actually represent and sell ads and do brand partnerships for a lot of my friends.

43:33Mel Robbins:And that's another thing I'm going to tell you that has been a secret to success. And it's that the very people you're competing against should be your closest friends. Yep. It's so true. Why do you believe that's true?

43:51Hala Taha:Yeah, fam, seven days. That's all it took me to go from idea to a$500 million storefront. No tech team, no coding, just my LinkedIn knowledge, a business idea, and Shopify. Here's what most people don't realize about starting a business. The idea is never the hard part. The setup is where people stall and procrastinate. They overthink the design, the checkout flow, and then months pass along with nothing to show for it, but you're a good idea. Shopify removes all that friction. Their templates and AI tools get you a beautiful, functional site set up fast. And when someone's ready to buy, Shopify checkout is so smooth that more customers actually follow through.

44:30Hala Taha:Returning buyers can check out in a single click with ShopPay, for example. And if you hit a wall at any point with your build, they've got a built-in AI assistant sidekick that's there to help. Not an FAQ page, an actual assistant that helps you build, troubleshoot, and keep going. And the proof is right there, Yap Fam. On the How We Profit series, the founders I've been talking to who are doing millions of dollars in their e-commerce business, they sell on Shopify. So if a business idea has been sitting in the back of your head collecting dust, stop waiting. Take action. Just do it. All you need is the idea because Shopify handles the rest.

45:04Hala Taha:Start your free trial at shopify.com slash profiting. Again, that's shopify.com slash profiting. Go to shopify.com slash profiting to start building your dream business today.

45:19Mel Robbins:at Pfizer we are committed to listening to and learning from patients and their care teams so that we can work to help address their unmet needs from early discovery to clinical trials through approval and use of our medicines patients are at the heart of everything we do learn more at cancer.pfizer.com

45:46Hala Taha:Because I feel like they'll, you know, when you reach higher levels, people aren't actually that competitive. They're more collaborative. They want to help you and you guys can help each other. And so I felt like working closely with the people that are my competitors is the quickest way to just get ahead. That and I think it's true at any level.

46:07Mel Robbins:We're just so insecure when we're getting started that we don't think we have anything to offer. And the truth is your family has no idea what you're doing. Your friends don't understand what you're doing. And the people that you think you're competing with are the only people on the planet that get it. And so the very people that you're distancing yourselves from should be your closest allies because otherwise you are going to feel alone. Yep. Because your family's not in this business, so they don't understand the stress. your friends don't share the same aspirations so they don't know what you're going through but the people at your same level like this is your squad because they get it and you know honestly that's why I'm so excited about the let them theory and the things that I'm talking about now because for far too long for far too long I would look at people that I admired like Jay Shetty and Lewis Howes and Jenna Kutcher and Amy Porterfield and Trent Shelton.

47:13Mel Robbins:And I would go, oh, oh, well, you know, they've already done a podcast. I guess I can't do one. Or they're super successful. They're in competition with me. And what I have learned too late, I'm so happy I understand this. And I'm thrilled for you as you're listening to us to really embrace what I'm about to tell you. Success is in limitless supply. Happiness, friendship, all of these things, money, Lamborghinis, they're in limitless supply. No other human being is blocking your way. In fact, they're leading the way. And if you have a insecure and jealous and competitive and comparison attitude, you will turn other people into the biggest excuse for why you can't do what you need to do.

48:09Hala Taha:Yes.

48:11Mel Robbins:And it is a joke because the only person, because there's only one person that can actually block your way and it's you. Yeah. And so learning how to let other people be successful and let other people be rich and let other people figure it out and let them get engaged and let them have babies and let them have a million dollars in the bank and let them do this and let them do that. You're just letting them lead the way. Totally.

48:38Hala Taha:Let's move on to the let them theory because I can't wait to dive into this. So first leg of your career, you really were all about self-improvement, internal improvement. Now we're focused on external relationships and kind of how to manage relationships. So you had this post last year, about a year ago, that went massively viral where you first introduced the topic. What did you say in that post and why do you think it was such a phenomenon?

49:04Mel Robbins:So I put up a video, gosh, it was like 18 months ago. And I basically was sharing about something I had just stumbled on because I was being a micromanaging parent at my son's prom. And my middle daughter was home from college. and you know like when your mom's being like super annoying.

49:26Hala Taha:Yes.

49:27Mel Robbins:And you're like, God damn, you're embarrassed. Like just, geez, mom, I was getting like that. Well, we've all been there, right? And it's just our stupid stuff. And my daughter reaches out and grabs my arm and yanks me towards her and says, Mom, stop it. Like you're being so annoying. Like let them, let them, you know, let them run in the rain. Let them eat where they want. Let them do the same. Let them, and she just kept saying, let them, let them, let them. And it was weird. It just like hit me like a ton of bricks. Why am I worried about this? Why am I stressing about this? And for the next couple of days, anytime somebody was pissing me off or annoying me, or I saw somebody do something online that made me feel jealous, or, you know, somebody did something that made the guilt rise up, I just started saying, let them,

50:18Hala Taha:you know, standing in line at a store and there's five people in front of you.

50:25Mel Robbins:beep beep beep there's only one cashier no one's coming to the other lines how do you feel in that moment stressed yeah and then what do you do puff and puff maybe say something under your breath you think you can run the grocery store better than the people running it uh-huh and all along while that's happening do you know what's happening you're actually allowing something to drain your life force.

50:54Hala Taha:Yeah.

50:55Mel Robbins:And you are wasting time. And you are allowing something that's out of your control to steal your time and energy and blind you to the fact that even in moments where you feel stressed out or hurt or you're worried or you're scared, that there is always something in your control. And what's in your control is never out there, ever. there's one thing in life you can never control. It's other people. You can't control what they think. You can't control what they do. You can't control the timeline upon which they change, if they change at all. You can't control if they're gonna love you. You cannot control another human being, and yet we try.

51:37Mel Robbins:And it's the greatest source of frustration in your life. But if you turn it back, you'll see there's three fingers always pointing back at you when you point at somebody else, because there are three things that are always in your control. You can always control what you think about what's happening. You can always control what you choose to do or not do. And you can always control how you process your emotions. Whether you will let them just run you over and then you send that text or have you ever crafted one of those emails like single space and it's like super long and you take like 90 minutes and you're like thin.

52:14Mel Robbins:That never solves anything. you always get to choose how you respond and that's how you take responsibility for your life let's talk about responsibility it's the ability to respond that's what taking responsibility means

52:30Hala Taha:you give such a great example about being left out on a girl's trip i had this happen to me a couple years ago my high school best friends they all went on a beach trip and i was really hurt i had a boyfriend that i was really focused on and so we weren't spending as much time together, but I still considered them my best friends. And I was so hurt. And I went about it in the worst way. I was a victim. I wrote everybody a text, like what happened? What did they say? They were just like, you're always busy. We just we didn't even think about it. Like, what do you care? We're allowed to make plans.

53:04Hala Taha:And it made me look like a victim. And I took all my power away. So I'd love for you to explain the let them theory of how we can actually use this to make our, like to take back our power.

53:17Mel Robbins:Yeah, it's a great example. And being hurt because you're not included is a sign that you're mentally well. It's what you do with that that dictates your experience of life. And like you, all too often when I have either been left out of something or people didn't even think of me because I haven't been around because I've been busy building a business. So why would they think of me? Or if it's when I see somebody else succeeding and then I feel sorry for myself, right? Feeling those things is normal. It's what you do next that matters. So the let them theory is the single most powerful thing I've ever discovered.

53:58Mel Robbins:I'm so excited for you to implement this. Seriously, like I am a changed human being. I've never felt more peaceful and powerful. So what is the let theory. It is a simple mindset tool that shows you immediately what is in your control and what is not in your control. And here's how you use it. There's two steps. Anytime that you are in a situation where you're starting to feel stressed out or you're starting to get pissed off or you're hurt or you're annoyed or you're getting clingy or you're becoming a victim or you're feeling the rage come up, you're going to say, let them. That's step one.

54:34Mel Robbins:When you say let them, you detach from what's happening. And you recognize that I can't control this person, what they think, say, or do, or feel, or I can't control what's happening with traffic right now. So I am going to let them. And when you say let them, a couple of things happen. First of all, you get this rush of superiority. Because it's like you're going, I see what's happening and I value my time and energy. And I know I'm not going to waste it trying to manage this situation or allowing this person or this situation to impact me negatively. I'm going to let them. And so it's amazing because you detach.

55:14Mel Robbins:And then the second step is you say, let me. And this is the most powerful part because this is where you take your power back. When you say, let me, you then remind yourself that there's always something in your control. And what's always in your control are the three things. I can choose what to think about this. I can choose how to respond to this or not. And I can choose what I'm going to do with my emotions. And the uses are just endless because we live in a moment in time where everything feels out of control. And people are stressed out and people are acting in really inconsiderate and dismissive ways.

55:54Mel Robbins:And people are super emotionally immature. Let them. Because so are you. We all are right now. And when you say let them, it's not like an F you. It's really about giving people grace and space and also putting up a boundary and reminding yourself. It's not your job to make people happy. It's not your job to manage other people's stress. It's not your job to make sure that everybody's expectations are met. It's not your job to run a grocery store. Your job is to focus on taking actions that really align with your values and your priorities. And your job is to think in a way that makes you feel good.

56:37Mel Robbins:I'll give you a quick example. We were in an elevator this morning and the thing got stuck between the 11th and 12th floor. I was in there for 50 minutes and the fire department had to come, but it was a good 15 minutes before anybody came to do anything. And I sat there on the floor of that elevator and I kept saying, let them, Let them take a long time. Let them figure this out. And let me remind myself that the only thing I can control right now is just like staying calm and sitting on the floor and thinking that this is going to be okay. Let them. And it worked. And so in your business, let's just take everybody that listens to you, right?

57:19Mel Robbins:Yeah. I want you to think about that moment where you are posting something on social media. and you go and you pick the reel or you pick the photo, right? And then what do you do? Then you're like, oh, should it be that photo? Should it be this? And then you put a filter on and then you take the filter off and then you size it and then you sit. And it's one thing to do this because you have a business strategy and you're thinking about your business strategy. It's another thing to do this. And then when you start to write the caption, you're like, is this too much? Should I put an emoji? Is that CTA too bad?

57:51Mel Robbins:And then you start to question for who? For who? Before you even post something, what are you doing?

57:57Hala Taha:You're giving power to what other

58:00Mel Robbins:people are going to think and do in response to what you're about to post. And by the way, you have no control over what they think and do in response. And so instead of managing it, I have a different approach. Let them think something negative. Let them unfollow you. let them judge you let them roll your eyes because i got news for you you need to use the let me part let me remind myself that my social media is for me yeah my social media is for my business my social media is my self-expression it's not for my family or my freaking friends from college or my brother or my sister my social media is for me let me express myself let me market my business Let me show up and put this reel out even though I'm kind of nervous.

58:51Mel Robbins:Feeling nervous about something that you care about is a sign that you care about it. It's not a sign that things aren't going to go well. And so by saying let them, it's extraordinary what's happened in my life.

59:05Hala Taha:Yeah. So let them is all about releasing control. Yes. Keeping your peace. Yes. Why are we so hardwired for control to begin with? Because I think a lot of it comes from a good place. And I also think entrepreneurs are especially controlling.

59:22Mel Robbins:Absolutely. So it's going to be a dance because you're never going to get rid of the need of trying to control things. It is a hardwired survival instinct. And it kind of makes sense, right? Because if you're in control of what you're thinking and you're in control of your decisions and you're in control of your environment and you're in control of your spending and you're in control of your marketing platform and your strategy that you're doing, then you feel safe. You feel confident. You feel good. Here's the problem. That if you do something that makes me worried or upset, guess what? Now I feel like I'm out of control.

1:00:03Mel Robbins:And here's where we make the mistake. I then go to try to control you. but the problem is you have a hardwired need to be in control of yourself too and so I go to push against you which means you're hardwired to push back because you are wired to control what you're doing and this is one of the biggest things that you're going to learn in reading the let them theory just using it in your life is that pushing other people and expecting other people to change trying to motivate other people to change it actually doesn't create change. It creates resistance to change. There is one thing on this planet you will never, ever, ever, ever be able to control, and that's whether or not another person changes.

1:00:48Mel Robbins:Because people only change when they're ready to change. And people only are ready to change when they're ready to do the very hard work to change. And this presents another problem. And see, I've been working against the fundamental wiring of human beings for 54 years. It was learning to say let them and let me that taught me how to work with the laws of human nature and with brainwire. Let's just talk about how people change.

1:01:16Hala Taha:Okay.

1:01:16Mel Robbins:We are hardwired to move toward what's easy. Hardwired. It's why we sit on the couch instead of going to the gym. It's why you sit and watch other people's content instead of posting your own. Because if it were easy to do it, everybody would have a million dollars. And that's why you got to learn how to take action, even when it feels hard. See, nobody gets sober until being drunk is harder than doing the work to change because it takes work. And we know this. And yet when we're looking at somebody and we're like, you're not working hard enough. Why aren't you getting better grades? How come you haven't gotten a better job?

1:01:55Mel Robbins:Why haven't you started this business? We forget that if it were easy, they'd already be doing it. And so the let them theory and saying, let them, let them struggle, let them be unmotivated, let them judge your choices, let them be confronted by the fact that you're now super interested in fitness and entrepreneurship and they're questioning why you don't drink all the time, let them. And then let me remind myself that I get to choose what's a priority for me. And so you will start to learn that the more time you spend expecting other people to change, the more frustrated you're going to be. And the more that you say, let them, and you learn to let people be who they are and let them have their questions and let them change on their own timeline and let them not be interested in the same things that you're interested in, learn how to love people exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't, the better your relationships are going to get.

1:02:52It's really so simple and it's beautiful because it creates

1:02:57Mel Robbins:space where the people in your life get to be who they are and you get to focus on yourself, not like you're out of my life, but as a responsible adult. And the let me part is all about you taking responsibility for acting in a way that you value. So let me talk about another thing that happens a lot in business. So as you're growing your business, you're going to start to find conflict between what your friends and family want you to do and what your business partners want you to do. And a lot of people really start to struggle when they feel like business partners are disappointed that you can't show up at something or your family or friends are disappointed that you're not around as much.

1:03:44Mel Robbins:You need to say, let them. Let them be disappointed. and here's why. Isn't it a wonderful thing if your business partner's disappointed that you can't show up for something? Doesn't that mean they want you there? Yeah. I mean, we're so afraid of it, and yet what's the alternative? I don't want her there. She's like horrible. Same thing with your parents or your friends. If you're not able to show up because you've been just focused on entrepreneur, let them be disappointed. It means they love you and they wish you were there. That doesn't mean you have to change.

1:04:15Hala Taha:Can I ask you another question about business? So as I was internalizing the let them theory, I kept thinking about, what about if I have like a bad employee?

1:04:24Mel Robbins:Let them be bad. Let them get fired? Well, here's the thing. First of all, you can't control them. So you need to let them reveal who they are. But then here comes the hard part in business. Let me be honest with myself. Have I actually been clear about my expectations? Probably not. Have I explained what I think the outcome is that is successful? Probably not. Probably not. Am I micromanaging everybody because I don't explain what I want and the outcomes that you can measure success by? And since I have not done that, I constantly question everybody. So I swoop in and I micromanage, which only trains your team that you don't trust them, which makes your team feel like they can't make a decision because you're going to come in and override everything anyway, which creates paralysis in your organization.

1:05:18Mel Robbins:If you have a failing employee, it is usually because you have broken process or you have unclear communication and expectations, or there is a missing skill set in the seat and they're in the wrong seat. And unless you as the leader take full responsibility for your part, which most entrepreneurs, most entrepreneurs are the shittiest operators on the planet. I happen to be one of them. I like, no, I'm serious. Like there there's, you are in entrepreneurship because entrepreneurship is artistry. It's creation. That is not the same thing as rhythm systems and operations and clear communication.

1:06:04Mel Robbins:In fact, it's the opposite. And so your energy and your talent will create something. And then you will realize that you've created something and have zero systems and zero like standard business operating principles. You have no like outcomes and key results that you're measuring. And so people don't know what success looks like. And if you only measure success based on dollars in the bank or the number of views on a podcast episode, that is something you cannot control. You have to, as the leader, let me take responsibility for my job, which is to actually create an environment where people can succeed.

1:06:47Mel Robbins:And if people don't have clear outlines of what they own, if they don't have clear outlines of what is going to make them successful, and if they don't have the freedom, let them to execute against that in the way that actually gives them self-expression, they will hate working for you. And your business will not do as well as it can. It always comes back to you. And so yes, let them reveal that they're not doing a good job. But then instead of doing this, they suck. First say, do I suck?

1:07:19Hala Taha:Exactly.

1:07:19Mel Robbins:Because chances are you do. And I definitely do. Like I, if I am not behind a microphone or creating content or doing business development, which by the way is a form of creating content and artistry, because everything that I do is about expansion and intention. If I'm not doing one of those three seats, I'm not in the right seat in my business. And I am the problem. The business, my folks that work for me, they're not the problem. I'm the problem. And so I choose as the leader that my business coach, David Gerbetz, always says, leaders bring the weather. And if you have a stressed out and a kind of panic emergency type culture, that's because of you.

1:08:07Mel Robbins:You bring the rain or you bring the sun. And by the way, your energy and whether or not you take the time to make sure people feel supported and to make sure they know the things are doing right and to give them the tools and the skills that they need to succeed on the things that aren't going well. If you don't do that, then you're not a good leader.

1:08:24Hala Taha:Yeah. So yeah, we really do have like an amazing onboarding process. KPIs, all those things. I have managers and a COO that helps me and everything like that. And sometimes there are people that just can't get up to speed.

1:08:39Mel Robbins:Great. Then let them knock it up to speed and then let me give very direct feedback quickly. And don't dance around it with the positivity sandwich. The way you have that is directly with respect. You basically say, this is not going to be a fun conversation. and I was hoping that things were going to go very differently. And I have very high standards. And this is a 19 word sentence that you're going to steal that has been researched at Yale and Harvard. It's called the magic sentence, 19 words. I have very high expectations for this team and I believe you can meet them. And that's why I'm going to tell you this feedback.

1:09:15And then you tell them the feedback and you let them.

1:09:19Mel Robbins:Because what somebody does with that feedback, that's what they control.

1:09:24Hala Taha:Yeah.

1:09:24Mel Robbins:You actually having the courage to deliver feedback. See, I actually think it's cruel to not tell somebody.

1:09:31Hala Taha:Exactly. They're not performing. They don't grow if you don't. Well, it's not about them.

1:09:35Mel Robbins:Do you want to be in an organization where people think you suck and they talk about you in a conference room? Of course not. So why would you do that to somebody and not address it? People know when they're not thriving. In fact, I personally believe the hardest working person in the company is the one who's not doing well because they're in conflict with themselves.

1:10:01Hala Taha:Yeah.

1:10:01Mel Robbins:And they know it. And you are either the kind of leader who has this bullshit, toxic male kind of mentality of, you know, or you take responsibility as a leader to create an environment in which people can thrive. And if people are not doing well and they're not meeting expectations, before you start barking about or labeling people, which is toxic behavior on your part, take a moment and ask yourself critically, let me ask myself, have I actually explained the outcomes that measure success? Have I actually explained what I expect? Have I actually given somebody all the information that they need in order to succeed?

1:10:39Mel Robbins:Do I even know what skills are required for this job? Or am I just throwing somebody in the fire and then judging the shit out of them when they can't get the job done? because if you can't answer those questions for yourself, then you're not the good leader, and no one's going to succeed in that role. And look, there are times where people overestimate their qualifications, and then they get in a seat, and they don't have the skills. Let them. Let them. And don't overcompensate. And fix everything, and step in and solve the problems. Let people fail, because if you don't, you won't see where there's process missing.

1:11:16Mel Robbins:You won't see where there's a skill level missing. And you won't see where you actually are the issue because you haven't created an environment for people to succeed.

1:11:28Hala Taha:Yeah. Talk about how letting them actually helps them.

1:11:33Mel Robbins:Yes. So first of all, I personally feel, and this goes with people in your life that are struggling too, absolutely anybody can get better. and what's needed is the belief that you can. At the end of the day, feeling like somebody believes in your ability to get better creates the space for you to get better. If somebody has the respect for you to say, I'm gonna give you this feedback and this isn't gonna be a fun conversation, not my favorite thing to talk about, but I'm doing it because I actually have high standards for this team and I believe you can hit them. To me, that's you saying, I see you.

1:12:09Mel Robbins:we both know you're not like meeting the standards here. And what else did I say? I think you can meet them. This team is special. Now I'm appealing to your desire to succeed. I'm appealing to the potential that you know is inside you. I choose to believe that people do well when they can. And if somebody in your team or in your family or in your life isn't doing well, then it's because there's something missing that's making it so they can't. And it's almost never willpower. It's usually something small. It's usually just clear communication or identifying the skill that would be helpful or partnering them with somebody so that you create an environment where they can succeed.

1:13:02And people also need to feel enough space and acceptance and dignity

1:13:08Mel Robbins:so that you feel like the change is your idea. Not that it's getting shoved down your throat. Because nobody wants to change if they know that you're going to say, see, I told you so. And that's a critical part of this, that when you say let them, you're not allowing people to fail. you're actually creating the space for somebody to succeed. But the first step is that you have to give people the space and the honesty to make it their decision. And the other thing that the let them theory is not, is it's not allowing somebody to walk all over you. It's not allowing somebody to treat you poorly because you're already doing that.

1:13:50Mel Robbins:When you say let them, you detach and you see somebody probably for the first time, exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't. And you stop doing something. You stop making excuses and you stop living in the fantasy and the potential and you actually live in the reality. You know, as I'm going through this kind of phase of just like this next leveling up in my business, I realize it's on me to level up my expectations of myself. It's on me to get clearer in my communication. It's on me to focus on what's truly important and delete everything that's not. Because another huge thing in business is that if everything's important, nothing is.

1:14:31Mel Robbins:And you cannot allow someone else's emergencies to become your emergency. Yep. You cannot allow somebody else's priority to become your priority. Everything that somebody else is asking of you in business is an opportunity. But you have to get out of reactive mode and get into responding mode because it's only in doing that that you will actually be intentional and focused and you will truly be strategic about what actually deserves your time and what doesn't because not everything in business does.

1:15:07Hala Taha:So I end my show with two questions that I ask all my guests. First, what is one actionable thing our young and profiters can do today to become more profitable tomorrow? Let them, let them.

1:15:18Mel Robbins:because all that time and energy and power that you're giving to other people, as soon as you say, let them, and then you say, let me, you actually take that power back and you start to protect your time and energy. And that's what you need to be profitable and successful.

1:15:33Hala Taha:And there's so much that we didn't get to cover today, guys. She's got so many great stories, so many great, like, so much research in her book about this. Definitely recommend it. What is your secret to profiting in life? And this can go beyond business and financial.

1:15:48Mel Robbins:Saying no.

1:15:52Mel Robbins:It's way more important to say no. Because every time you say no, you're actually saying yes to what matters.

1:15:58Hala Taha:Love that. And where can everybody find you and everything that you do?

1:16:02Mel Robbins:You can find me right here in this conversation right now. And one of the most important things you can do is take this conversation and send it to somebody that you care deeply about because you know you feel inspired. You know you got tools. And one of the best things that you can do to build your relationships and connections which you need in business and you need for profit and you need to be successful is to actually be generous. And so be generous with the information that you just got today because it will make a difference in somebody else's life.

1:16:28Hala Taha:I feel like this is just like a masterclass in business and your life story. So thank you so much for joining us today.

1:16:34Mel Robbins:I'm really proud of you. Thank you. Congratulations for everything that you do and for the lives that you impact and the difference that you're making.

1:16:40Hala Taha:Thank you.

1:16:41Mel Robbins:You're welcome.