expectation vs reality

0:00Emma Chamberlain:There have been many instances in my life where I've expected an experience to feel a certain way. And then upon experiencing it, I've realized, wait a minute, this isn't what I expected at all. And I think that's because a lot of times our expectations about things are rooted in a fantasy. Like when it comes to dating and relationships, I formed my expectation on love stories that I've seen in the media. You know, when I got a little bit older, I learned about getting my shit together and having a good routine from watching other people on the internet. Something edited, something curated, something dramatized.

0:40And it's led me to feel at times like there's something wrong with me. But what I've come to the conclusion of and what my elders have instilled in me is that these expectations that we have about certain life experiences, that they're going to bring us maximum fulfillment and feelings of euphoria, that's not realistic. And there's nothing wrong with me other than my expectations. We're only capable of feeling a certain range of emotions.

1:08Emma Chamberlain:If we choose to have realistic expectations, we can actually enjoy things in life much more. And so today I thought I'd share some of the expectations versus reality that I've experienced in my life, in the least for some entertainment for you, but potentially to help put things into perspective for you as well. So here are some expectations versus reality that I've experienced, okay? This episode is presented to you by eBay. We all have that piece. You know the one, the thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it. And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay. Let me put you on, people.

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2:29Emma Chamberlain:I watched a lot of YouTube. But as I got older, I started to develop this expectation that I could find a sense of true excitement when hanging out alone, that that was possible and that I had yet to unlock it. And the reality of the situation is, no, hanging out with people is always going to be more exciting. You're going to laugh more. You have somebody to talk to. You're getting to experience something with somebody else, which naturally just makes the experience so different. It's just going to feel more energetic and alive and electric. Hanging out alone is wonderful, but in a very different way.

3:10It's quiet. You can become introspective pretty easily. It can be recharging. It can be relaxing. It can be productive. And at its best, it can even be kind of fun. Like for example, I actually think it's really fun to, at the end of the workday, turn on a YouTube video, cook dinner, and eat it.

3:31Emma Chamberlain:Like, that's so fun. Although, am I really alone? I don't know, because I'm watching a YouTube video. So that's actually interesting that that's the first thing that came to mind because I'm not really alone. I'm fully watching another human being. But even, like, I even enjoy, like, walking around the house and cleaning sometimes. Like, I find that to be satisfying. I find that to be nice. I like going and shopping by myself even, but it's never going to be as fun and as exciting as doing those things with other people. It's just never going to be the same. And that's okay. Hanging out alone just serves a different purpose.

4:02That really became clear to me when I started traveling with other people. In the beginning of my career, when I started traveling for work a lot, I traveled alone for the most part. And I actually did enjoy that time. But then I got to this point where I was like, you know what, like I'm going to start bringing my dad along or, you know, if there's like a friend who wants to come along or, you know, oh, I'm going to Fashion Week and Jared and I are going. Naturally, I just kind of stopped traveling alone. And the trips became much more fun. Listen, I've experienced some challenges from not traveling alone anymore, where I feel like now I almost fear traveling alone because I'm so used to traveling with people and that's a problem in itself.

4:44But the nature of the trips

4:46Emma Chamberlain:have changed a lot. It's because I get to experience these places with other people. I love being alone more than ever now because I know what it is. But I think a lot of people crave this sort of wild independence. I think a lot of people think the ultimate flex would be to be able to be alone for like six months straight and never even notice because you're so fulfilled with yourself that you don't even need to be around other people. But I actually think that's unrealistic. And the more that I've read about human nature, the more I've realized that we need people. And I think this is something that comes more natural to people who are very much introverted.

5:25Introverted people are hyper aware of the recharging benefits of being alone. People who are particularly extroverted, this does not come natural at all. And I do think that we should all know how to be comfortable by ourselves. But I think in order to do that, it must be realized that it's never going to be the same or feel the same as being with others.

5:48Emma Chamberlain:Okay, next, being in a healthy romantic relationship, okay? I expected that being in a healthy relationship would be seamless. It would feel easy. I would never question if it's right. There wouldn't be disagreements. It would just be so fucking obvious that this is the person for me, you know? I'm not even talking about like being with your soulmate, But I'm more just talking about being in a healthy relationship that makes sense in the moment. I'm not even talking about like being with the one. And I don't know if I've, I don't even know what that, like, I don't know what that is. I don't know if it's real.

6:26I don't know if it'll ever happen. I don't know. But I've spoken to the people in my life, the elders in my life, people who are married, have been married for years, some divorced, some still together. And every single older, wiser person I've talked to has been like, yeah, that doesn't really exist. It isn't this perfect, obvious, easy, natural experience. A healthy relationship still comes with a slew of challenges. And that makes sense. Like there is no two people on this planet who are exactly the same to the point where there's never going to be conflict or tension or anything like that.

7:08But also, even if you did find that, there would be issues than that. If you were to find somebody who is exactly like you to the point where it's like, how could we ever disagree? We literally are the same person. If you were to clone yourself and date yourself, there would still be issues. You're not pushing each other to grow because you're the same person. Relationships are so valuable because we can learn from our partner. And so if you're exactly the same, what is there to learn? There's no different experiences to share. There's no different perspectives to share. You're in an echo chamber.

7:41You know, I think relationships are so valuable because there is tension at times, because there are disagreements at times. And I've talked about this ad nauseum on this podcast, so I won't go too far into it. But it's like, if there's no friction at all in the relationship, then you're probably not growing in it. And that's, in my opinion, not getting the full value of a relationship. I think if you're in an echo chamber and there's never any discomfort, you're not going to be pushed to be better. You'll be complacent. But also, human beings are flawed.

8:15Emma Chamberlain:And those are going to be the most evident to those that we are dating. I think the nature of romantic relationships is compromise. And that's what makes it so powerful, the fact that you have to compromise, that it's not that easy. It's not the most natural, perfect, oh, my God, it was love at first sight. and then we've always been happy ever since and everything has just made sense. That weirdly lacks depth to me. The depth of a relationship comes from the fact that you have to overcome challenges. You have to choose every day to love one another, even in moments when it's challenging. Some days that decision is super easy and some days it's fucking hard.

8:54But that push and pull is what creates a deeper, more meaningful bond. but I think the problem that we can get ourselves into in life is we can expect relationships to be perfect and when they're not inevitably we can throw those relationships away and it's a shame because it's like sometimes we'll throw away a relationship that actually was making us better but it's really tough though to distinguish sometimes because we can also stay in a relationship for too long being like yeah well nothing's perfect but it's like okay but this is actually like really not perfect, like to the point, like this is really bad, you know?

9:34It's hard to distinguish at times what's going on. I mean, listen, I'm not trying to oversimplify this because I know it's so complicated, but like I've talked to so many old married couples and this is the feeling, this is the experience, this is universal. And I've experienced it myself. I've experienced bad relationships, but I've also experienced good ones. And I know that even the good ones are complicated. Oftentimes the good ones are maybe even more complicated, I'm starting to realize. I don't know. I still have a lot to learn about relationships and I don't necessarily want to like, I'm not, a lot of the facts that I'm speaking are not even necessarily my own.

10:11They're also gathered from like asking other people for advice and like picking their brains about it. But I don't know.

10:17Emma Chamberlain:I just, I don't believe that healthy relationships are as seamless as we tend to expect them to be. Next, making changes to my appearance. I think a lot of times we expect making changes to our body to miraculously solve like majority of the issues in our life. Like if I just was in better shape, got rid of my acne, got a cool haircut, got my lips done. If I just got a boob job, if I just did this, if I just did that, everything in my life would feel better. My confidence would explode. My self-esteem would improve miraculously and everything would just be so much better to the point where like I'd feel a way that I've never felt before.

11:00I'd feel so good that like nothing could ever stand in my way again. Like I think we expect that. Yes. I do think that altering our appearance can impact our self-esteem, our confidence. I've never gotten any cosmetic procedures done like, you know, Botox or filler or whatever. I've never gotten like a boob job. Like I haven't done anything like that, but I've gone on acne medication. I had bad acne. I went on a severe, serious acne medication for seven months of my life. Then I've gone on to go on medications to help regulate my hormones because I have PCOS. And that was also giving me acne and impacting other things.

11:38And like I've had moments in my life where I've been like, okay, I'm going to get in really good shape and I've changed my lifestyle to whatever. I've done all that stuff. I get it. It can solve some problems, but significantly less than I think a lot of us expect. And I think the reality of that can be really tough to deal with and it can lead us to go to extreme lengths. Okay. I've experienced this. I've been like, if I just get in really good shape, everything's going to be better in my life. I'm strong. I'm eating really well. I'm getting my fiber in. I'm pooping at a good rate. I'm healthy.

12:19I'm so healthy, taking such good care of myself, but it doesn't feel like enough. And there have been many instances in my life where I've then proceeded to take it too far because I'm waiting. I'm waiting for it to make me feel like almost euphoric. And it doesn't. I've done that many times in my life. I love to do that. It's like a reoccurring thing. I love it. It's like, oh, took it too far again. Oops. But that's like a common challenge and it makes complete sense, but it's because the expectation was too high. Whereas now, thank God, I understand the reality of making changes to my body is that it might help me 20 % in my life.

12:56It might solve 20 % of the issues that I thought it would maybe solve, but there's a lot left, even with confidence. It's

13:03Emma Chamberlain:like, yeah, it can maybe help my confidence 10, 20%, but the rest of that 80 % goes far deeper, requires far more attention. Self-esteem and confidence is far more complicated than that. Next, having your shit together. To use a TikTok buzzword, to be living like that girl. Now, you can live like that girl and not be a girl. That's just the terminology that comes to mind when I think of this. This is not a new concept. The like that girl morning routine, waking up at 6am, journaling, making the water with the lemon, having a matcha, going to Pilates, then going to work and having perfect cute little pens to do the work with.

13:49And then, you know, coming home at the end of the day and like getting into really chic little PJs and then, you know, making a super aesthetically pleasing dinner and like drinking some sort of mocktail and then going to bed at 9 p.m. with a gorgeous room with candles on and there's the TV. You get what I'm saying. There's so many different other versions of this. That's just the one that I think became the most popular and the most commonly known on social media anyways, that girl. I think a lot of us feel like if we were to have a routine like that, every day would just flow. The routine would become solidified and then it would just be this, you would just be able to float through it every day in a way that feels so seamless and so easy and so organized and so perfect that everything would look aesthetic all the time and that the results would come quickly, you know, because the whole idea of having your shit together is that you're productive.

14:44You're getting a lot of shit done. Health goals, work goals, whatever. I do think that there's actually a lot of value. Like, okay, there's a lot to this. Do I think that these idyllic, perfectly filmed and edited and curated routines on the internet are to an extent unrealistic. Yes. I think the way that they're filmed and edited naturally makes them feel different than they actually are in real life. However, do I think that that's like wrong for people to share? No, because I think that's the nature of everything on the internet. Like that's the nature of my YouTube videos, my Instagram posts, like everything is edited.

15:23The nature of the internet is that things are curated, that things are explained in a way that's simplified. Like it's impossible to express things otherwise. But I think naturally we tend to take it as fact, as what it is, as what it looks like. And there's a lot more to it. I think living a productive life, living a disciplined life, it's brought me so much value in my life. Like I actually think this is one of the expectations versus realities where I actually think the reality is, it's actually pretty good. Having a strong routine, being disciplined helps build confidence. It helps us get more done in our lives.

16:01It gives us structure so that we can thrive within. Like structure can at times give us the intention that we need. I think where the expectation versus reality really is strong is what it actually looks like and feels like to exist in a routine like that. It oftentimes isn't as seamless as it looks or as we assume it to be. Like I would say at this point in my life, I have my shit together more than I've ever had my shit together. Cause I will be honest. I have not had my shit together for, for like my whole life. Like when I first moved to LA did not have my shit together. It didn't have good boundaries with like my social life versus my work life would overwork myself to the point of burnout and then not be able to get anything done for like a month, was emotionally all over the place because I wasn't really like self-regulating myself very well.

16:55I didn't take very good care of myself. I didn't sleep a lot, but I also didn't exercise and I didn't eat well. Like I would literally just like eat an entire box of Cheez-Its for like my meal. Like that would be my food that day. Like I would just like every like hour I'd go and have another handful. Listen, there are moments in our lives when we're going to exist that way and there's nothing wrong with that. Like that's sometimes just survival. We can't always have our shit together. That's just not always going to be the case. But I think the reality of it, it's just not as perfect as it seems.

17:22Like even when you have a perfect routine, there are going to be times when you sleep through your alarm and you don't get to go to your fucking Pilates class, okay? There are going to be times when you show up to work and you feel burnt out and, you know, your cute little colored pens that you use and your cute little keyboard for your computer isn't enough to make you feel better and you get nothing done and you're in a bad mood. There are going to be times when you come home at the end of the day and you're like, I can't fucking cook. And you eat cheese. There's going to be lapses in the routine.

17:52You might expect because your routine is so good and you have your shit together that you're going to see results a lot quicker than you're actually going to see results. Results do still take a long time to see. And even though having your shit together can solve a lot of problems, it absolutely can, more so than, say, changing your appearance or being in a happy relationship or something. Like, there's always still things that need to be worked on. And I think the reality of it, too,

18:18Emma Chamberlain:is, and this is very important to mention, is that having your shit together is not always going to be perfectly aesthetically pleasing. And it doesn't need to be. And it doesn't have to be. And it shouldn't be. And it probably won't be. And if it will or if it does, OK, that's great for you. But that's also not always the reality of having your shit together. Like you can have your shit together and it not be Instagram ready. And it doesn't need to be. That's just one way to have your shit together. And I understand some of the criticism. There's a lot of times criticism about perhaps over-consuming products to make the routine look a certain way.

18:55Listen, I am not going to police how other people spend their money in, you know, like that's not my place. Do I maybe think that sometimes it's taken too far? and there is a level of like buying so much stuff to like upkeep this sort of aesthetic lifestyle, do I think that that can be taken too far? Yes. Do I also think that that can be done in a way that is responsible?

19:20Emma Chamberlain:Like if you want to have an aesthetic morning routine, and so that means you want to buy a really beautiful coffee mug that you're going to use every morning. I'm sorry. I don't see anything wrong with that. If you're going to Pilates every morning and that's a part of your routine and you're wearing exercise clothes every day and you buy a new workout set that's really cute and you're wearing it all the time. There's nothing wrong with that. I think it gets to a level where it's ridiculous when it's like perhaps influencers are maybe buying new, like they want to wear a new workout set in every single routine video.

19:55You know what I mean? If every time there's a new sort of lifestyle wellness trend, and individuals are like buying everything every single time, even when it's like, okay, there's like a new viral cup. And now all of a sudden you need to buy the new viral cup, but the reality doesn't always need to look that way. Like there's no right or wrong way to do it. It just has to work for you. And it just, and it should be somewhat responsible and that's it. And I'm saying more so responsible for, for people who maybe prefer a more aesthetic sort of version of having your shit together.

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21:10It's life-changing, fulfilling beyond words. It's climbing this mountain and reaching the top and being able to stand at the top for the rest of your life and enjoy the view. That's not been my experience. Accomplishing a goal is like climbing a mountain, but seeing the view, you're not seeing anything that you haven't seen on Google Earth. You're not looking out at the top of this mountain and seeing some sort of like wonderful, mystical, magical world in front of you. If you climb the mountain and you get to the top and you look down, you see the earth that you already knew. And that's beautiful.

21:43But it's not a feeling you've never felt before. You know, everything is relative, right? So when you were a kid and maybe you accomplished a small goal, right, that in retrospect seems minute, but you experienced a feeling of excitement because you accomplish a goal. That feeling is the same even when you're an adult and you experience like a much bigger, more significant life goal. I've yet to experience like a new feeling from accomplishing a goal. It doesn't unlock a feeling I've never experienced before. We expect almost some sort of like supernatural feeling. Like, oh, if I accomplish that goal, I'm going to literally like transcend.

22:20It's like, no, we only have a certain range of emotions. And to further this sort of mountain metaphor, it's like you climb the mountain, you get to the top and it does feel amazing, but it doesn't feel as euphoric as you expect it to. And you can't stay at the top of the mountain forever because at the top of the mountain, it's like there's not much you can really do up there. When you're climbing up the mountain, there's a lot to do. You know, you need to feed yourself. This is a metaphor, just stick with me. You need to feed yourself. You need to camp out. You need to deal with rough terrain.