how i handle uncomfortable situations

24:45When someone tries to talk shit with you about someone that you like, perhaps you have a mutual friend with somebody and you're actually closer with the mutual friend than you are with the other person, right? The other person tries to start talking shit about your mutual friend. Perhaps you don't agree with what they're saying, or perhaps you just don't feel comfortable with participating because you know it's going to get back to your friend. How do you handle that? How the fuck do you handle that? I'm a people pleaser. So I have been known in the past for if somebody were to come to me and say, this person did this.

25:19Can you believe that? That is so rude. Even if it's about somebody I am fond of, there have been times where I have not had the social skills to know how to handle that. And so I've just agreed and been like, oh my God, that's crazy. Wait, why would that? That's so bad. Ew, ew. And I've just fed into it. More recently, I'd say my default is to just listen and not say anything back. Now, some people would say that that's rude because if I'm friends with somebody or whatever, I should stand up for the mutual friend and be like, hey, you shouldn't be talking that way about them. However, I also understand how humans work.

25:58And I understand like, if let's say somebody comes to me and is like, this person's pissing me off. And like, I think their style has been shit recently. And like they look bad and they're ugly. It can be tough to be like, well, that's rude. It's probably the right thing to do, but like that can be hard. And I think my default tends to be like, well, you know, maybe you guys shouldn't be friends anymore. Like that's the, that's the approach I tend to take is like, why are you still friends? Like, I don't, it doesn't seem like y 'all got a good vibe anymore. Or somebody's like talking shit about say our mutual friends behavior.

26:36I might be like, well, I guess I'll need to pay attention to that. Like I haven't noticed that, but I'll pay attention. You know, neutral statements, neutral statements, staying quiet, saying the least amount possible. That's probably the least uncomfortable option. However, is it the right option? I don't know. Because again, some people would argue that's being like a bystander of somebody saying something mean about your friend and that's not morally right. However, if somebody was talking shit about me behind my back, like would I expect someone I'm close to to like be like, hey, that's not nice.

27:09No, not necessarily. Like as long as they don't agree with what the person's saying, I'm okay with them just humoring them and being like, eh, whatever. And maybe letting me know that they said that. I would be fine with my friends making neutral statements. Therefore, I would feel okay doing that. And I think it's the least awkward option. Okay, next. This one requires me to paint a picture. So let me paint a picture. You met someone online, perhaps because you have a cake baking business and someone DMs you and says, hey, I'd love to like buy one of your cakes. It's my brother's birthday coming up.

27:52And one thing leads to another. And you actually start chatting with this person and becoming friends with them. and on the day of the cake retrieval, it's kind of weird because it's like, wait a minute, this is my friend now. It started out as something kind of professional, like, you know, I was gonna get this cake and the interaction originally would have been pretty simple. You know, you go and pick up the cake, give the money, say thank you and walk away. There's no hug, there's no handshake, there's no nothing, maybe a handshake, maybe if it makes sense, but like maximum exchange is like a handshake and a thank you and then that's the end of it.

28:26But due to the nature of the internet and how we all meet each other in unusual ways these days, you start chatting it up and you become friendly. Maybe you talk every day to the point where you genuinely feel like you're friends, but you haven't met yet. On the day to go pick up the cake, what the fuck are you supposed to do? Go in for a handshake or go in for a hug? Handshake might feel sterile, might even feel standoffish. hug on the other hand might not be cool with the other person. They might not like hugs. Not everyone likes hugs. In fact, I'm somebody who doesn't always like a hug. I will always hug.

29:05Somebody wants to hug me. I will hug, but that doesn't mean I like it. I like it, but not always. There are like little times where I feel sometimes I can get a bit maybe irritable or very rare. I mean, not that often, but like we all have moments where we're stressed or we're irritable and like a hug, no thanks. You know, however, I do tend to go in for the hug more often than not personally, even though weirdly I prefer a handshake. Like I'd rather it just be the standard that we all handshake, but I always am afraid of coming off cold. So if I feel like somebody is giving hug energy, like I'll be like, hug, come on, I'm a hugger.

29:44You know what they all say, but it's very awkward and it's very intimidating trying to figure out what the decision is. Now, I honestly think the most foolproof way to handle it is to make light of the fact that this is the dilemma that everyone experiences. Walk up and say, are we doing a handshake or a hug? Can we just rip off the fucking bandaid? What are we doing? What are we doing? What do you want? If they're like, I don't know, what do you want? Be like, you know what? Let's start with handshake. And if we ever see each other again, then we hug. But we don't know each other like that yet.

30:15Or if you're like, come on, we've been talking every day, maybe a hug. And And then if they're like, fuck yeah, I love a hug. Boom. Now you're hugging. Problem solved. Is communication key in this situation too? Perhaps so. Perhaps so. The other option is to just let it go and let it happen. A lot of us feel like we need to plan these things. Like, okay, am I going to go in for the hug? Am I going to go in for the handshake? And then that leads to like all this tension. And then in the moment you freeze up and you do something weird or awkward or whatever. The other option is to go with the flow.

30:46Don't think about it beforehand. Show up and just read the situation for what it is. What do they do? Do they go in for the hug? Do they go in for the handshake? Do they go in for nothing? Let them sort of dictate the situation or go with your gut. If you're like, okay, I'm getting hug energy. Fuck it. We hug. I think the first and last option are the best. Yeah. Either lay it all out on the table or don't even fucking think about it and just see what happens. Next awkward situation. I'm going to paint another picture for you. You're walking down the street in a city. Okay. Perhaps that's San Francisco.

31:18perhaps that's New York and you bump into someone you know you have a decent chat and then it's time to part ways somebody's like oh I got to catch the the subway or you know I got a meeting I'm going to but it was so good to see you you're walking in the same direction what do you do what the fuck do you do I usually in this type of situation try to see where the other person what direction they're walking first and then I'll go the other way like I will fully wait like if I just had an interaction like that, like, all right, got to go. I will literally stand there and say, all right, see ya.

31:48And I'll like go on my phone for a second, install, or just stand there until I figure out what direction they're going. And then I go the opposite direction so that we don't, I don't have to deal with that. I fully will do that. And that avoids all awkwardness. It avoids the whole thing altogether. But what if you already are walking in the same direction as the other person? Then what? What if you're already walking side by side? Well, again, I think this is an invitation for humor. You, you gotta be like, well, this is everyone's worst nightmare. Look, we're going the same direction. What now?

32:18I was like, you know, you could be like anything else you want to talk about, or we obviously have some time. We're going the same direction. What, what else could we talk about? That could be kind of funny. Or you could be like, you know what? I'm going to save us both the trouble. I'm not, I'm going to let you can, I'm going to turn around. I'm going to go the other way. That's kind of rude though. Don't do that. I don't like that one, actually. I think the best option moving forward is that we should all let the other person just walk away first. But then there is an awkwardness of what happens if the other person also is going to wait to see where you go.

32:49Then what? Well, you could be like, oh, which way are you going? You could ask the other person. If they're not moving, if they're kind of trying to see where you're going and you're trying to say, oh, which way are you going? They could be like, oh, I'm going this way. You're like, okay, perfect. I'm going this way. Well, see ya. And it doesn't matter if you're going the other way. I think that's the answer. Think ahead. Think ahead so that you don't even get to the point where you're walking in the same direction. That's the move. Next uncomfortable situation. In every relationship, friendship, romantic, whatever, there's a period of time in the beginning where you don't know how to talk to each other.

33:21If you know that you want to be friends, if you know that you're going to be close, if you know you want to go on another date, if you know you have to get over that hump, right? Somebody that you see at the holiday Christmas party once a year and you have no interest in having a relationship outside of that, like that person, you don't need to get over that hump. You can small talk for a second and like, you know, say my social battery is low. I'm gonna go sit in the corner or I'm gonna go get a drink and then get out of it. When you really want to have a relationship with somebody, you have to get through the awkward stage of like, not really knowing how to be around somebody comfortably, not really knowing how to just talk freely, not really, because it takes time to understand the other person, understand your humor together, understand your relationship together, you know, just takes time.

34:05And so there's this awkward phase of like tension where things just aren't quite flowing yet. And I think a lot of times people drink alcohol in these situations. You know, you go on a date, you get a little wine drunk, you know, you're hanging out with a new group of friends, you guys are going out to a party and you're all drinking together. Like nothing brings people together like alcohol, but I'm at a place now in my life where I don't drink. I've been sober for a year or a little little under a year, maybe, I don't know, a year, whatever we can round up. And like, I can't rely on that anymore.

34:35And I really relied on that. So what do you do during that awkward phase in a new sort of relationship, romantic or platonic, if you don't have alcohol?

34:49This is the one that's stumping me the most, to be honest. It's just, I actually don't know if this one's avoidable. I mean, I think the only way to make this feel less awkward, uncomfortable, maybe not embarrassing, but like maybe at times a little bit embarrassing is to take the person off the pedestal. I think sometimes we can put potential relationship prospects on a pedestal. And that's what makes things tense is that we're like, oh my God, they're so cool or they're so like attractive or this or that. And then that can make us sort of feel tense. And then once we see through that and we're like, wait a minute, they're just a normal person.

35:26Who cares? The walls come down. So perhaps it's a matter of like mindset shifting, being like, you know what? I know that at some point I'm going to realize that this person is a normal human being and that they don't really need to be on a pedestal. Perhaps they're wonderful, but they don't need to be on a pedestal and they don't need to be making me nervous. They're another human being. They're also nervous. I just need to let it go. But like, that's hard. Perhaps the other thing you could do is again, communicate, make a joke about it. This is awkward. This is weird. We don't really know each other that well.

35:54It's weird. But see, that can sometimes make things weirder. Do you know what I mean? To address your current social situation while you're in it, it can at times be a really good icebreaker and at times kind of be like too meta. It's like relax, just like talk about, do you know what I mean? Hmm. I think the best way to handle it is to find confidence in yourself going into it so that no matter how the other person is feeling, no matter what they're doing, no matter whatever, you're confident. You are kind of laissez-faire. And so then you're setting the tone, which is low pressure and chill and relaxed.

36:31It's a hard thing to do because it's intimidating to hang out with somebody new. Even if you have amazing confidence, it can still be really intimidating. It's almost like if you go into it being like, you know what? I don't really care what happens. I'm not trying to be cool. I don't really care if they like me, I'm just going to do my best and show up and be myself. It's almost like then you actually embarrass yourself less. It's less awkward and it's less uncomfortable. The other thing you could do, honestly, is think about what you're going to talk about beforehand too. If you have a few ideas of like what you could talk about before hanging out, some topics that you both are interested in, then you have something to fall back on and that might ease your mind too so that you're not like feeling like, oh God, what if I get stuck?

37:08And then it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy where you're like super afraid of getting stuck in the conversation and things getting quiet or awkward. And then because you're worried about it, it's almost like you manifested it to be true. And then it happens. And it's like, if you have a plan beforehand and you're like, you know what, if conversation starts to lull, I'll ask this person about this. I'll ask them about that. If you have like a list of five things, you're probably won't even need to use those things because you'll, that will relieve your anxiety enough, or that'll relieve the pressure enough that you can actually just have a chill convo, you know?

37:38And like, you're not overthinking it. And it is naturally just not embarrassing, awkward or uncomfortable. Yeah, maybe it's like figuring out a way to hack your brain so that you're not nervous or you're not anxious or you don't really care how it turns out. You can take the other person off the pedestal. And then eventually that'll happen naturally. I mean, maybe it's just inevitable. When you first meet somebody, it's going to be a little bit weird, but eventually it will pass. It always does. Maybe that's just an inevitable part of a new human relationship, perhaps. Okay, next one's tough. This is a tough one.

38:12Okay. being in a social setting and somebody coming up to you and saying, oh my God, it's so good to see you. And you scanning the archives of your brain and having no recollection of ever meeting this particular person. Yeah. That sucks. It's not a fun one. Okay. Especially if they're like bringing up like, oh my God, remember when we did this? And you're like, what? Like, oh, remember we were in like fourth grade math together and we had this teacher and you sat next to me and you're like, wait, what? I can't even remember that. Listen, I think it depends on what industry you're in. Like certain industries, it also depends on like what kind of school you are at, right?

38:50Like if you went to a massive school, there's going to be people you don't remember. If you work in an industry that's very social, there's a lot of people, you meet a lot of people all the time, you're not going to remember everyone you meet. I remember everyone from my high school for the most part, not by name necessarily, but like at least by face because I went to a really small school. In my industry though, I meet so many different people all the time, constant, constant, constant. And there are times when I don't remember. I remember 98%, but there are like weird blips in memory where I'm like, I just don't remember.

39:23Maybe somebody got a haircut. Maybe I only talked to them for five minutes of my life. Like you forget sometimes. So how do you handle that? How do you handle that conversation with somebody who was like, oh my God, it's so good to see you. Remember all this and that? And you don't have any recollection. Well, I honestly think you have to fake it till you make it. I think in this situation, you cannot be honest. Honesty is not key here. I think you have to lie. And you have to say, it is so good to see you. I have missed you more than you could ever know. No, don't say that. But be like, yeah, obviously.

39:58Duh, I remember. Yeah, I remember. You, what? Okay, here's how I'd handle it, to be honest. It would be a matter of this. Oh my God, it's so good to see you. How are you? Like, what's been up? Whatever. You get a little bit into it and then you're like, okay, wait, I gotta go run for a second. You come up with some excuse. Could be going and get a drink. Could be something else. Doesn't matter. Oh my God, I really have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. Get out of it. Get out before they catch you in knowing that you don't know who they are. You know what I mean? get out. And it's, it's, it's only, it's simply because it is not nice to forget if you've met somebody it's, but it's also understandable.

40:36Like, listen, it's totally understandable. However, it is something that's widely offensive, to be honest. I, I don't care if somebody doesn't remember meeting me, to be honest, it's could not be more fine with me, but a lot of people get really offended by that. It makes them feel insignificant. It makes them feel forgettable. Understandably. So I get it. I mean, everyone thinks that they're the main character and should be remembered vividly. Like, you know what I mean? Like that's very, we live in a, in a narcissistic time with not a lot of forgiveness for others. It's like, hello, we meet a lot of people.

41:08It's okay to forget sometimes, but people get really butthurt about that. I, it's when it's so normal, if you meet somebody for five minutes, you're not always going to remember. If you met somebody and talked to them for two hours and had to see it and like exchange numbers and said, you're going to get lunch and then canceled and then never spoke again. You should remember that person because you had a, even though you never like became friends, you had a significant interaction. But if you met somebody for 10 minutes and then they forget, it's like, yeah, it's okay. Why am I being so defensive?

41:37Maybe because I'm hungry. I am a little hungry. Sorry if I'm getting a little snippy, you guys. I'm getting a little snippy because I'm a little hungry. It is kind of my dinner time. I didn't really plan this out. Like I probably could have eaten dinner before I started, but I wasn't quite hungry yet. Now I'm getting hungry. Now it's dinner time, but I'm busy. So, you know, it is what it is, but I'm just, I'm going to start, I'm going to start getting progressively more irritable, more hangry, if you will, as they say. Anyway, I think the best method, be super warm, pretend like you know them, get out of the conversation as quickly as possible, pretend go to the bathroom, pretend go get a drink, whatever, it doesn't matter.

42:17Then try to investigate who this person is and where you could have met them. If you're there with a friend, ask the friend, ask around, figure it out, figure out how you know them. Then go back up later with the knowledge of who they are. Once you figure it out, maybe you Googled them, which I guess if you don't know their name, you can't Google them, but perhaps they said their name. They're like, it's me. So-and-so remember? And you're like, yes, but you actually don't. You could maybe Google them in that scenario, figure out who they are and then go back up and then continue the conversation.

42:44now that you know, you know? Ooh, that actually happened to me somewhat recently. There was this one person who came up and was like, oh my God, remember me? And I was like, yes. This was a work related person as well. Came up to me and was like, do you remember me? And I was like, yes. To be honest, I didn't, I didn't remember. And it was really loud where we were. And this person was like, oh, I work for so-and-so. And I couldn't even really hear who they work for. So I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So good to see you. And I was trying to get out of it because I was like, I need to go ask who this person is because I had said that I knew.

43:18And I think they could maybe tell that I didn't know, but I was like, fuck it. I have to just act like I do. And then they were like, well, I've been like really wanting to work together on this. And I was like, fuck. I'm like, wait, I was like, I can't, I can't be pretending in this conversation. I didn't hear who this person works for. Oh my God. It was a mess. And so actually at a certain point in the conversation, I had to be like, wait, so you used to work for so-and-so and now you work for who-and-so? And then they got kind of like a little bit, not offended, but they were a little bit like, I just said, like, I work for like so-and-so and I used to work for so-and-so.

43:52Like I already said that. And like, you know that you've, we know each other. You said, you know, and I was like, uh, I know, but I didn't hear and I, and I fucked up and it was a little awkward. No hard feelings at all. Nobody was offended. It was like totally light, but that was a little little awkward for me. Right. And what I should have done was gotten out of the conversation sooner and found out my information and then gone back, you know, but I didn't. And I fucked up. Um, okay. Next. What do you do when somebody tells a bad joke in front of everyone and no one laughs? What do you do? I don't know.

44:26I don't know what to do about this one. To be honest, this is always awkward. Like I, a few options are coming to mind. If the joke is not like terribly offensive. If it's not like a bad joke because it was offensive, then maybe a little fake laugh never hurt anyone, but then you can kind of tell it's fake sometimes. Although I actually am pretty good at like, if no one else laughs at a joke, my instinct is to start laughing to fill the void. I'm pretty good about that. So that's an option as long as the joke is not offensive. But there have been times where somebody has made like a really fucked up joke that I like actually do not agree with morally.

45:00And out of instinct, I've laughed because no one else laughed and I didn't know what to do. Not the best look. And also it's not representative of me and my humor and what I like in humor. So it's like, I don't, it's inauthentic to me. If the joke is offensive, it's tough. Like honestly, for me personally, I'm just not going to say a word. Maybe at most I'll be like, all right, well, there you go. That's like something I'd say. I'd be like, maybe keep that one. Maybe keep that one. Maybe that one should have stayed in the drafts. You know, like you can make light of it, but be like, maybe not that one, you know.

45:35But if the joke is just bad and not offensive, then I actually think the best option is to fake laugh. Why not? Like fake laugh. Be like, you know what? I fucking got that one. Ha ha ha. Yes. I actually have a really hard this one's stumping me, to be honest. This is a really hard one. You can't control what other people say around you. And I mean, there's an option to like poke fun at the fact that the joke flopped, right? You could be like, well, maybe try again in an hour. Don't get defeated. That wasn't a good one, but you could try again better. But that could also be kind of mean, especially if somebody's like not particularly funny and maybe they struggle with their sense of humor.

46:12Like that actually might make them feel like the butt of the joke. And like they were trying to make a joke that might make them feel worse. So I like, I don't know. It depends on who made the bad joke. If it's somebody who's particularly tough or usually kind of funny, then maybe it's fine. But if it's somebody who's more sensitive, that might not be the move. Maybe you just have to fake laugh. You know? And then if the joke was offensive, ugh, get out. Just get out. I'm trying to think about the last time I was around somebody who made an offensive joke or something in what I did. I can't remember.

46:44It's been a long time. I hope that I don't get into that situation again for a while. Okay, moving on. What do you do when you tell a bad joke? That's so much easier. If you tell a bad joke, there's infinite things you can do. You could be like, okay, so you guys didn't like that one? You could say, all right, you guys, I'll try again in an hour. You could be like, too far, you guys? There's so many things you could do. The second you make a fail of a joke, you poke fun back. Like there's been times where I've made a joke and no one's laughed. Not because it was offensive, but just because it wasn't funny.

47:15Like that's how humor is. Like you're not going to have hit after hit after hit. You're going to have a bust every once in a while. And I was like, dang it. Like what? And like, and then that was funny. And everybody laughed at that or whatever. Like, I was like, come on, you guys, someone like I've done stuff like that, like whatever. And that always works. Then then that's more funny. And then it's like, fine. When it's your own fail of a joke, you got to like, you can squash that shit the second it happens. So you might as well. And last but not least, how to interact with somebody in an elevator.

47:49It is really kind of a weird thing. I've had many different types of elevator interactions. I've had many interactions where people come in, silence. I've also had interactions where people are like, hey, how's it going? And then it's like, good. And it's like, all right, see ya. Hopefully by the time you get to the see ya, it's like, hopefully you can get to that see ya pretty quick because somebody has arrived to their floor. I think both have their pros and their cons, right? Remaining silent is arguably the better option. It's just simple. It's okay to just coexist in silence with other human beings.

48:26Like there's nothing wrong about that. It's not necessarily cold. It's not necessarily rude. I think there's actually something weirdly beautiful about it. However, silence is uncomfortable for a lot of people. In fact, it's uncomfortable for me at times. As I get older, I'm more comfortable with silence with people. But silence used to be like the loudest thing in the world to me. Like I always had to fill silence. If there, if like there was a lulling conversation, I was always the first one to fill it. If somebody made a joke and nobody laughed, I was the one laughing. If I'm in an elevator and somebody's in the elevator with me and it's quiet, it's agony.

48:58I used to struggle with silence. Now I'm much more comfortable with it. I think I just have a better understanding of human psychology at this point. And I know that silence is only awkward or weird if you make it awkward or weird, like being able to coexist in silence with other human beings is a very normal, healthy, beautiful thing. However, there is some value to greeting the person in the elevator. Hey, how's it going? You know, what floor are you going? Did you need me to push a button or whatever? That actually can also be really enjoyable and can eliminate the weird silence and can even be like a really beautiful human interaction.

49:31However, it can get awkward or weird if it goes on for too long. If the elevator's slow, whatever, the next thing you know, it's like, oh my God, I don't even know how to continue. this is like clunky because it's too short of a conversation to really get into anything real. But sometimes it can get too long to where it's like, well, what do we get into now? We only have like 10 seconds left, but this is like a weird 10 seconds here. I tend to prefer silence in the elevator, but if somebody wants to talk to me in the elevator, I'm all about it. I'm all about it. I'm there. I'm there to chat. And I'm going to try to make the most of those 10 to 20 seconds.

50:06You know, I think the less awkward option almost is just being in silence, maybe a little smile or a nod and then just moving on and that's the end of it I think that's probably the best that's it to be honest I don't really know what we learned today I don't know if we learned anything but you know what really matters is that we had fun and I'll tell you I had fun and I hope you did too and if you did and you want to hang out with me some more new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday you can stream anywhere you get podcasts although if you want to watch a video that is exclusively on YouTube and Spotify you can check out Anything Goes on social media at Anything Goes You can check me out on the internet and wherever at Emma Chamberlain.

50:43And you can check out my coffee company in the world and on the internet and wherever else at Chamberlain Coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all. It's always so much fun to hang out. I need to go eat my dinner though because I'm getting a little bit, I'm getting a little bit hangry. I don't know what I'm going to eat yet. Kind of out of groceries. So it's going to be something weird. I'm like opening up the pantry and like looking at the cans of things I have, you know, like normally it's like I have a plan. Like I know what I'm making. It's like, okay, well, I bought all these, all this produce or like whatever.

51:11And I'm going to use, no, no produce. I don't know what I'm making for dinner. And I hope it tastes good because I'm going to wing it. And if it doesn't taste good, I'm going to be so fucking pissed. Wish me luck. Anyway, I love you all. I appreciate you all. It's so fun to hang. And luckily for both of us, we get to hang again in a few days. Perhaps I'll see you then. Okay, bye.