human coexistence, advice session

24:49Emma Chamberlain:So be wary of that. Another question to ask yourself is, is this friend a good, productive communicator? If you can't communicate successfully with this person, if they don't listen to you, if you don't listen to them, but more importantly, if they don't listen to you, and if they aren't emotionally intelligent enough to hear you when you say, hey, this bothers me, can you fix it? If that isn't something that's happening in this friendship, huge red flag, because you will need to communicate to live together happily and healthily. So you need to move in. Listen, I don't want to say need, but like, it's really helpful if somebody is a good communicator.

25:34Emma Chamberlain:And then lastly, I think you should ask yourself, how do your lifestyles mesh? Do you have the exact same type of lifestyle? You know, like you wake up early, you're really organized, you're really clean, you go to work all day, like whatever. Do you have the same sort of lifestyle? Do you have complete opposite lifestyles? Are you someone who wakes up really early and works and then likes to go to bed at like 9.30 p.m. and your friend is a DJ and stays up until four in the morning? And then is that something that actually is appealing to you? Do you prefer having differing lifestyles because then you're actually going to hang out less?

26:15Emma Chamberlain:You'll run into each other less, you know? How do your lifestyles complement or conflict with each other? That's a really important thing to ask yourself because the advantage you have when moving in with a friend is that you understand their lifestyle. You're friends with them. So you already know these things about them. You're not just like randomly moving in to a dorm with somebody that you don't know. You know what I'm saying? Like you're moving in with your friends so you can actually sort of plan things out even better. I don't know. I think it absolutely can work. It just takes everyone communicating, honestly.

26:52I think that's what it comes down to. And communication is uncomfortable, unfortunately. And a lot of people, they're afraid. They don't want to communicate. They'd rather just let things go undiscussed. But if you're going to be living with a friend and you want to maintain the friendship, communication, I think, is a necessity. Okay, moving on. Somebody said, there's a tension in my apartment because my roommate and I live very differently. I'm super clean and she's a bit more relaxed with leaving her stuff laying around. How do we compromise and communicate so I can feel comfortable in my home?

27:27Okay, I have two ideas. Number one, you could simply communicate how you're feeling and respectfully and gently ask her if she'll just clean up after herself in the shared spaces. Her room is her room. She can do whatever she wants in there. She wants to poop on the floor. As long as the smell doesn't come into the living room, all good. That's her room. But in the shared spaces, it's got to be clean because that's just fair. You know, I agree that's fair. I think in a situation where two people are coexisting, if one person has a need or desire that involves safety, cleanliness, health, etc.

28:12Emma Chamberlain:I think usually that takes precedent over somebody who is like, well, I like to be a free spirit. And that's why I like to have my stuff everywhere. It's like, that doesn't that's not sorry. If you're living with somebody else, you need to rise to the occasion and do the right thing. You know what I'm saying? If you get what I mean by that? Anyway, that's one thing you could do. And I mean, I think that's pretty obvious, right? Like just sit your roommate down and say, here's how I'm feeling. Can you work on it? And that's an option. It's tough though, because it's like, you're asking your roommate to do something that they naturally don't do.

28:50Emma Chamberlain:And is it the right and fair thing for them to do to do it out of respect for you? Yes. But a lot of times when you try to change someone, like you have a messy roommate, That is who you are roommates with. Trying to change them, it can happen if they're motivated to be your roommate and they really respect you. But there's also a chance that they'll do it for a week and then stop and get messy again. So I have another idea that I think might work better. Okay. You're somebody who likes being clean and organized and your roommate does not care about that. I assume you're somebody who's good at cleaning and organizing.

29:29Emma Chamberlain:I know I am. I'm a very clean and organized person. My house is very clean and organized. I got that from my mom because she is very clean and organized more so than me. Okay. In fact, when I lived with her, when I was younger, we would get in fights about me being more messy than she is. And I'm actually like a pretty organized person. I mean, I guess when I was a kid, I was less organized, but more organized than the average child. And we would still bicker about it. So like, I get it. You know, people have very different standards of living. But here's the compromise that I propose that you propose to your roommate.

30:09Sit your roommate down and say, listen, okay, I've noticed that you just live messier than I do.

30:16Emma Chamberlain:I like things to be picked up, clean, organized. You don't seem to care about that. and I know that if I ask you to clean up a little bit more after yourself and to keep this place a bit cleaner, that it's gonna be hard for you to do that because if that's something you wanted to do and were motivated to do, you would be doing it and you're not. So here's a compromise I propose to you. This is what I think you should say to your roommate, okay? You should say, I suggest this compromise. I will clean up after the both of us because I want this home to be clean, but in exchange, I need you to help me with something equally as significant.

30:55Emma Chamberlain:Okay. And you might know what that act of service is. You might not, you might need your roommate to suggest something that they're really good at that they could help you out with. But that could be an interesting compromise. Like for example, you love cleaning. You're proposing that you can clean up after your roommate. Perhaps they'll say, well, you know what I'm really good at? Grocery shopping. I love grocery shopping and I love cooking. So in exchange, you clean and I'll grocery shop and cook. And also, you know, maybe they'll be generous and say, and you know what? I will also go shopping for all of the cleaning supplies.

31:36Emma Chamberlain:I just don't want to clean. I don't want to organize. So you tell me what you need. You tell me what you want to eat. And, you know, maybe you work out an arrangement like that. Now, listen, that might not be the answer. It might be something else. It might be like, maybe your roommate has a car and you don't have a car, right? Perhaps in exchange, you clean up the house and your roommate drives you places. They're kind of like your ride. Maybe you were riding your bike before or taking public transportation. Now, you see what I'm saying, listen, I'm not saying that this is realistic or going to work for everyone, but it's an interesting concept because I think that there's something to be said for people doing what they're good at.

32:23Emma Chamberlain:I'm good at cleaning. Like me personally, I'm saying I personally am somebody who's good at cleaning. If I lived with somebody who was messy and I was asking them like, hey, can you clean up after yourself? I can almost guarantee that the way that they would clean up after themselves wouldn't be up to par because we just have a different way of thinking. like if I had a roommate who would make a bunch of dirty dishes and then not wash them for like a week or until I did it and I said hey can you really start doing your own dishes like before I just end up doing it let's say they went and did the dishes I can almost guarantee that they're not going to scrub hard enough they're not going to use hot enough water there's still going to be food left over they're going to put dishes back in the wrong place it is almost better if I just fucking do it.

33:11Emma Chamberlain:Do you see what I'm saying? And I think that's the case for a lot of people. If you're particular about things, if you like things to be clean, chances are you're going to have a certain way that you want it done. And if you have somebody in your house who's type B, messy, shit everywhere, whatever, they're not going to know how to clean things in a way that's satisfying to you. It doesn't come natural to them. So instead, figure out something that they can help you with so that you have more time to clean, which is something that you're good at, and then they're helping you out with something that you don't like doing as much.

33:43Emma Chamberlain:Do you see what I'm saying? That feels like it could work. So give it a try and see what happens. Somebody said, how should I deal with my significant other's family being needy with my partner and getting upset when I want alone time with my partner? This is not fun. This is not a fun situation to be in. So I am sorry that you're dealing with this. It's annoying and exhausting. But I think there's a few directions that you could go with this. I think the first direction you could go is you could accept that your partner's family has a very close bond. And instead of inserting yourself into your significant other's family and then being like, okay, wait, we're going now.

34:24Emma Chamberlain:And then taking away their son, who they apparently love a lot. Perhaps you set a boundary and you're like, you know what? You tell your partner or not even necessarily tell your partner. I mean, I think it might be hard to do this without communication, but maybe it's not necessary. You can be the judge, but in one way or another, separate your time. Okay. You hang out with your partner alone and your partner goes and hangs out with their family alone. Do you see what I'm saying? Then you both get your own time with this person and everyone's happy. That's one potential solution. Another option is you could have a conversation with your partner and see if they have any suggestions.

35:07Considering that they're close with you and obviously close with their family, ask them what they think. And I mean, I think the key is not to put your partner in a position where they feel like they have to choose sides, but rather put them in a position where they're able to give you advice

35:26Emma Chamberlain:on how to handle it. Does that make sense? Don't be like, well, I don't know. Like, I don't know what to do. and if this doesn't get figured out, like you're gonna have to choose between them and me, like none of that. It's more a matter of like, hey, you know, it's tough because I feel like your family has a hard time with our relationship and I want a little bit more alone time with you, but they don't seem cool with that. But I don't know, like how do you think I resolve this? Again, there's a good chance that your partner's gonna have ideas because they know you both very well. They know you all very well.

36:02and then go from there. You know, take your partner's advice if they give good advice. Anyway, another option is that you could sit down. This is scary and you're not going to want to do it, but it could be incredibly productive. Who knows? You could sit down with key members of your partner's family. OK, I don't know who's giving you trouble. It might be the parents. It might be grandparents. It might be siblings. Who knows? Sit down a few of the key members of the family, or if you want to be an overachiever, set them down one at a time and have a genuine

36:38Emma Chamberlain:heart to heart about how you're feeling. Be like, listen, I love your child. I'm in love with your child. And I want to be in homeostasis with you all as their family. Like I don't want conflict. I don't want drama. I want everyone to feel happy and satisfied. What do you need me to do to do that. And who knows what could come from the heart to heart. But a lot of times with people who are one degree of separation away from you, like in this scenario, it's your partner's family, you're in a way close and familiar with one another through this one person. But you don't actually have a relationship with those people that are one degree away.

37:23Emma Chamberlain:Does that make sense? In this case, it's obviously your partner's family. You don't have a one-on-one relationship with your partner's family. You're still kind of a mystery to them. And I think by having a heart-to-heart directly with them, they're going to see the humanity in you. And I think you'd be like, I would assume that it would make them like you even more to the point where they're like, you know what? It is okay when our child goes and hangs out one-on-one, you know, with you. It's fine because now we love you. We know you. We feel close to you. That might just simply be the problem.

37:59Emma Chamberlain:They don't feel close to you. And so try to sit them down and have a heart to heart about this and through the process, start to develop a relationship with them that's deeper than just having a mutual person in both of your lives. Do you know what I'm saying? Somebody said, my boyfriend's mom is so passive aggressive towards me and never wants us to hang out. How do I navigate that? This is really similar to the last dilemma, but it's a little bit different because, well, it's actually kind of exactly the same. My advice is pretty much the same. You could have a conversation with your boyfriend and say, hey, you know me and you know your mom.

38:41How the fuck do I handle this? Do you have any advice? Because I really want to figure this out because I love you and I want to be together, but I also want to be a part of your family in a way, you know, I want to be close with everybody. Like, what do you think I do? How do I, how do I win her over? Next option is to have a heart to heart with his mom. This sucks. This is uncomfortable, but sit her down and be like, what's going on? And the truth of the matter is, if you sit that woman down and say, what is going on? And you're a young person and she's a full grown adult. If you sit her down and say, what is going on?

39:18Emma Chamberlain:Let's figure this out because this is not fun for anyone involved. What is your issue with me and how can we get through it? She has no option but to tell you what the fuck is going on. And if she doesn't, then it's her problem. Okay. It's completely her problem. If she can't tell you what's going on and give you an action item on what to fix, then she's just like, I've heard stories about like sometimes, you know, moms getting like super attached to their sons and having a hard time when their sons get a girlfriend or whatever. That could be what's going on here. Absolutely could be what's going on here.

39:55Emma Chamberlain:Maybe not. Maybe she feels like you've never made an effort to get to know her. And that's why she's passive aggressive with you because she's like, ew, why is my son dating this person who hasn't tried to get to know me? And then she's gossiping about it at her like yoga classes with all of her mom friends. And like, they're like, yeah, that's so rude. I hate your son's girlfriend too. And then they're egging each other on. And now she's just, you know, like, because shit like that happens. It does. But if you sit her down, I don't know, she's got to tell you what's going on, or it'll become clear to both of you that she doesn't have a valid reason to be mean to you.

40:32And that's something that there's nothing you can do about.

40:36Emma Chamberlain:And then you just distance yourself from the mom and hang out with your boyfriend without the mom around. But if the mom gives you a valid reason for why she's passive aggressive with you and doesn't want you and her son to hang out, I mean, then you have to take that note and go from there. But I don't know. I mean, it's weird when a mom, an adult is like petty. That's weird to me. But who knows? She might have a reason and you should try to get to the bottom of it because you might learn something about yourself in the process. And the last option is the easiest and probably won't do much because I assume you're already probably doing this, but kill the mom with kindness.

41:16Emma Chamberlain:Literally like send her flowers once a month. Invite her to like go shopping with you. I don't fucking know, but like kill her with kindness. Every time you see her, give her a hug. Be so nice to her, so warm that like she cannot hate you anymore and see what happens. that might not work, but you could try it. Okay, let's move on. Somebody said, my family doesn't like my boyfriend. What do I do? This is like the reverse of the last two. The last two, the family didn't like you. Now your family doesn't like your boyfriend. Now I will say something. There have been times in my life when my family hasn't been obsessed with who I'm dating, right?

42:03Now, in retrospect, I understand why. However, in the moment I was like, I don't get it.

42:10Emma Chamberlain:What? What are you guys talking about? You're not obsessed? And listen, my family has never been the type to be like, oh no, you shouldn't be with this person. But like, if I ask like, hey, like, what did you think of them? They're not gonna lie to me. Like, they'd be like, oh yeah, you know, sweet guy or he's nice, but I don't know. Yeah, all right. I can tell, you know, it sounds like your family like really doesn't like your partner, like really doesn't like them. In my experience, it's been one of those things where like my family won't admit it, but I can tell. I underestimated their instincts in the moment when this happened to me.

42:50You shouldn't immediately write off how your family feels about your boyfriend. Now, listen, is there a chance that they're overly protective of you and no one will ever be enough for them?

43:01Emma Chamberlain:You know, like maybe. Is there a chance that they just haven't gotten to know your significant other well enough? Maybe. Does your family have a very specific idea about what your partner should be like? Maybe. So I'm not saying that like our families are always right just because they're related to us and oftentimes older than us and wiser than us. That doesn't necessarily mean that they know what's best for us. They can sometimes have better judgment than we can, especially in romantic relationships, due to their wisdom, but also due to how well they know us and also due to the fact that they're not being blinded by love.

43:44Emma Chamberlain:Meanwhile, you are. So there are things that you're not seeing, red flags potentially that they are seeing because they're not smitten by this person. You're smitten by them because you're dating them and you get to kiss them. Your family doesn't get to kiss them. They're not smitten. You know what I'm saying? So they're going to see things more clearly. Don't write off your family's opinions immediately. Genuinely hear them out. Okay? Ask them why they don't like him. Understand why they don't like him. And then go from there. Do your own analysis. Are they onto something? If the answer is yes, that sucks.

44:21It does suck because you're like, wait, fuck, I really like this guy. I'm kind of living blissfully, ignorantly in this relationship, enjoying myself. And they just bursted my bubble. This sucks. And yes, it does suck. But sometimes that's the way it is. You also might discover, no, my family's wrong. This is my soulmate and we're in love and we're going to get married and be together forever. that might be true. It also might not be true. And you might be so deep into delusional land that you like, it's just, you have to just go through the experience on your own and get heartbroken. And then you'll figure it all out later and realize that your family was right.

45:02Emma Chamberlain:Or your family might be weirdly, overly protective of you or something. And they're just being irrational and whatever, like, but only you can figure it out. But this is a journey you need to go on on your own. You need to interview your family. You need to hyperanalyze your partner. You need to look inward and look at what you need in a relationship. You need to look forward and think about what you want your future to look like with somebody. Like if your family doesn't like your boyfriend, that is a red flag. That is a concern potentially. And so you need to get to the bottom of it and figure out how you feel about it.

45:43I mean, another thing that can happen is you're dating someone and maybe you're not super in love with them.

45:50Emma Chamberlain:But meanwhile, your family's obsessed with them. Like that can happen too. So it's tough, but I do think that our family's opinions shouldn't be written off. Okay, moving on. Somebody said, how will I know when it's time to move in with my partner? How do we learn to live together when the time comes. To be honest, I don't know if there ever is the perfect time for anything in life. There is no such thing as the perfect time. I mean, I think there are times that are maybe a bit more favorable, but again, it's like defining that, knowing when it is the perfect time, it's kind of impossible. But I will say, I think it's a safe bet to move in together.

46:33once you've been together for a significant chunk of time, you're really familiar with one another. You know the good, bad, and the ugly about each other. And you've learned to accept the good and the bad and the ugly. You've played house a lot over the years where, you know, you've slept over at their house for the weekend. Then they've slept over at yours. You've realized what it's like to live with them and it doesn't scare you away. And ultimately you have plans to combine your lives together in one way or another, or potentially start a family. I think at that point, it makes sense to move in together.

47:15Once you're really familiar with one another,

47:18Emma Chamberlain:you know each other really well, you know the good and the bad and the ugly, and you have a future plan. So it makes sense to move in together because you're nearing that point in life. You know what I mean? I think that, you know, there are occasions when couples will move in together, perhaps younger than maybe ideal, depending on, you know, if it makes sense financially or if you've talked to other people that maybe you'd be roommates with and it didn't really go well. And you're like, well, will you just be my roommate? Like, and that might work out totally fine too. You might move in on a whim and it might end up wonderfully.

48:00Emma Chamberlain:But I will say, if that can be avoided, I would avoid it. To be honest, I think living alone in your 20s, if possible, can be a really awesome experience. And again, it's not always realistic, but I think if you can, why not? Or not even necessarily living alone, but just not living with your partner. I think it's important for both individuals in a relationship to build their own lives and their own identities separately before coming together and combining lives through potentially getting married, potentially building a family, living together, being partners indefinitely, you know, till divorce do you part.

48:53I'm actually not that pessimistic about marriage necessarily, necessarily. But I don't know, the more time you can have before you potentially spend the rest of your lives together, the more time you have to experience things on your own as a young person, develop your sense of self, develop your sense of individuality, have a sense of autonomy and freedom to go explore the world as a young person, the more time you have to do that before you fully settle down, I think the better, because then you have two, you're bringing two fully formed human beings together who have lived lives of their own and are now coming together as fully formed adults to make something bigger and better.

49:43But if you

49:44Emma Chamberlain:move in too soon, too young, it's very easy to start doing everything together to become, you know, potentially even codependent because you're, when you love somebody, you want to be around them all the time. And if you live together, it's like, well, why don't we just do everything together. Yay. And that can become toxic potentially. If you don't live together, you have space. You can, you know, develop yourself separately a bit more. I don't know. Listen, I might be wrong about this. I've never lived with a partner. I'm not, I don't need to do that necessarily anytime soon. I don't think I'm ready to, to be honest.

50:23I mean, I'm 24. I'm not ready to do that. Could I? Sure. I could. But I think it would be healthier for me not to until maybe I'm like in the later half of my 20s. Do you know what I mean? I don't know. We'll see. Anywho, to wrap that up, I would say wait as long as you can. And yeah, I think the answer is wait as long as you can. And every single adult in my life that I've ever talked to about this topic has said the same thing. But I've come to that conclusion on my own as well. Because there was periods of time when I was younger, I was like, I want to live with my boyfriend. And my family was like, no.

51:03They're like, no, no, no, no, no. You know, that's a bad idea. Anyway, that's actually all I have to discuss today. Those were all of the dilemmas, all of the things that you wanted advice on for today. I hope you all enjoyed it. And if you did new advice sessions every other Sunday, tune in. But also there's episodes every Thursday and Sunday. Okay. So tune in to those as well. Anything Goes is on YouTube and Spotify. You can watch me talk. There's a video of me talking on YouTube and Spotify. You can listen anywhere you stream podcasts. You can find Anything Goes on the internet, on social media at Anything Goes.

51:43You can find me online at Emma Chamberlain and you can find my coffee company online and in the world at Chamberlain Coffee. I love you all. I appreciate you all. We have fun together, I think. Do you think so? I do. And luckily for both of us, we'll be having fun again in a few days. I'll talk to you then. Love you and goodbye for now.