i am a control freak

22:26If you grew up in a home where things felt unpredictable, emotionally, financially, or physically, controlling your environment may have been a way to feel safe. I mean, this could maybe pertain to me because my parents got divorced when I was five, I guess. You know, so my entire childhood, I was kind of, I don't know, I never really could get into a routine because I was constantly going from one house to the other. Also dealing with my parents, potentially dating, bringing new people into the picture. I had a very, very hard time with that. And that uncertainty of like, now I have a stranger in my house.

23:00Why? You know? And being an only child, I did it alone. And listen, I know.

23:05Emma Chamberlain:I know you're thinking, oh, Emma's the parents got divorced. Emma's complaining about something that happens to like 50 % of people. I'm not complaining about it. Also, I'm getting defensive. I'm getting defensive and I bet no one said that. But sometimes I have this like intrusive internet brain thing that happens where like, I'll say something. And because I've been on the internet for so long as a public figure, and I've said a lot of things and gotten a lot of different types of responses, some good and some bad. I now have this sort of like built-in brain feature where if I say something, sometimes I'll start to hear the comments in my head already.

23:42Emma Chamberlain:It's kind of like, honestly, it's kind of like built-in media training. It's like automatic media training. Like I already know what people are going to say, or I think I know. And oftentimes my imagination tends to like go the extreme route, the worst case scenario. So anyway, probably none of you were thinking that or said that because divorce is a tough thing for all kids. You know, even though I would say my parents' divorce was as seamless and pleasant as it could possibly be for a child, it's still complicated and it's still challenging. And I think it would be, I'd be remiss not to acknowledge the way that it might've affected me as a kid, but I also am aware that people have it worse because that's the other thing people love to do on the internet.

24:27Emma Chamberlain:You can't even talk about having like a little challenge because it's always like, yeah, but someone has it worse, which is totally true. Somebody always has it worse and somebody always has it better in all scenarios. And so it's tough on the internet sometimes to be like, to even just talk about something just as a fact because it happened. Because people will be like, yeah, but you should be so grateful because this, it's like, yeah, but I'm not complaining. See, this is my internet brain spiraling, spiraling, spiraling, spiraling. Isn't it so interesting to watch? Isn't it so curious? Are you enjoying watching it?

25:01Emma Chamberlain:This is how the inside of my brain works. But let's move on before I fully spiral into a place where we have to ultimately just cut the whole episode because I spiraled into not usable podcast content territory. Anywho, back to what I was saying, childhood experiences. It's possible that that led to me being a control freak. Parents being divorced, not really ever being able to form a solid routine because I was constantly moving back and forth from one house to the other. I didn't have one closet. I didn't have one bed. I didn't have one safe space. Now listen, some would argue, yeah, but you had two.

25:37Emma Chamberlain:And that's a really wonderful, beautiful thing. Yes, it totally was and is, but in a very different way. Like I will say, now that I'm an adult and I live by myself, there is something really peaceful and predictable and just wonderful about having one home. It's defined. It's singular. There's just something about that that, at least to me, is really peaceful. And so I think this could potentially have something to do with my control freakness. You can also become a control freak if you're a perfectionist. If you were praised for being the responsible one, the achiever, or the organized one as a child, you might have linked control with your self-worth.

26:17This can evolve into a belief that you must be in charge to avoid mistakes or failure. I would say this is true as well. Even though I was less of a control freak, say in middle school or high school, I was a very good student. I turned everything in on time. I never cheated. I did this and I did that. And I wouldn't say I got that much praise for it because I didn't. Because there's always someone smarter. Like I was by no means the smartest kid in my class.

26:44Emma Chamberlain:and by smartest, I mean grade smart. I did well, but not well enough to get praise. Like I got straight A's in high school. I mean, I had some A minuses in there and I might've gotten a B plus once, but I can't remember. But I was a good student. I worked so fucking hard. It doesn't really matter. Unless you're like the valedictorian, you're the top of your class, no one really cares. So I didn't really get praised for that. However, it made me feel in control of my future, you know, getting into a good college because I'm putting effort in and thus being able to get a good job one day or whatever.

27:16Like that was my mindset. So I was a perfectionist in school because I wanted to feel in control of my future.

27:25Emma Chamberlain:And that kind of begs the question, like what came first then? The being a control freak or being a perfectionist. You see what I'm saying? So I actually don't agree with the internet on this one. I don't think one caused the other necessarily. If anything, I think being a control freak caused the perfectionism. Honestly, I don't know. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Skims. I've always struggled a little bit with bras and underwear. I think mainly because they can be so uncomfortable. Skims has provided me with the most comfortable but effective intimates I've ever found.

28:03The boy short underwear, I've been wearing them for years. The triangle bralette, obsessed. It's soft and kind of squishy, but it gives me enough support that it's not kind of like a pointless bralette. Shop my favorite bras and underwear at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know that I sent you. Select podcast in the survey and select anything goes in the drop down menu that follows. Now back to the episode. The internet also says that you can become a control freak. If you're somebody who has anxiety or fear of the unknown, this is very me. If you have anxiety, you might try to pre-plan or control every outcome to avoid discomfort.

28:40It feels better to anticipate than to react, even if it's exhausting. That is so me.

28:47Emma Chamberlain:And maybe that is where my control freakness comes from. It's not anything more than just being an anxious person. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm like this by nature. And over time, I've learned that by being a control freak, I can alleviate some of that uncomfortable anxiety. Perhaps that's all it is. Perhaps it has nothing to do with my childhood because I was an anxious child even before my parents got divorced. I was born anxious. That's just who I am. And I've gone through waves of it. There have been times in my life where I've been particularly aloof. Like when I was a teenager and I first moved to LA and I was so overwhelmed by my life and what was going on at the time.

29:28Emma Chamberlain:Like I just started my YouTube like a year ago and now I'm living in LA and I'm like, whatever. I was so overwhelmed by that. My anxiety almost went away. I didn't even have time to be anxious. And that was a good thing in some ways, but it was also a bad thing in other ways. Like I was almost like daredevil-ish. I also think I kind of was a little bit nihilistic and depressed at the time as well. well I mean I've experienced that on and off throughout my life in general but I think yeah in moments where I've been a bit more nihilistic in my personal philosophy I don't really get as anxious because I'm like I don't really care what happens if I die which is not a good that's not a healthy you know place to be in mentally you should cherish your life and want to protect it but there have been times in my life where I didn't really care and thus I was less anxious.

30:17Emma Chamberlain:But for the most part, my default has always been anxious. And last but not least, you can potentially become a control freak if you had trauma or big life shifts. After trauma, loss, illness, instability, people often try to regain control in other areas of life to feel grounded. This can show up as obsessing over routines, to-do lists, or micromanaging small details. I do think that this aligns for me And I think specifically with the, again, I'm not complaining about this. I'm just saying a fucking fact. Okay. I do think that my career, though wonderful and though something I would not trade for anything in the world, it is undeniably been an emotional rollercoaster and incredibly overwhelming and challenging in very unusual ways.

31:07Emma Chamberlain:Right. I would say in particular, Number one, psychologically, feeling like you're being watched at all times has been something I've really struggled with, even though I'm not even, like compared to like Taylor Swift, it's like I should shut the fuck up and I get it. But it's like, if I'm out at a restaurant, I don't know if I'm being filmed. I don't know if someone's taking a photo of me. When I'm at home, I don't know if somebody is driving by my house. Also, the internet is a very, very scary, mean place as we know. To be a public figure is to be criticized, sometimes rightfully, sometimes wrongfully.

31:45Emma Chamberlain:To be bullied, usually being bullied is wrong, by a lot of people at times even. That can be a really traumatic experience. Say what you want. It's all on the internet. It's not even real. It feels fucking real. When you're getting torn to shreds, it feels fucking real. All of these things have been incredibly challenging for me. Worth it? absolutely. But it has been the greatest psychological challenge of my life. Hands down. Learning how to manage it has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life because it's such an unnatural experience. And I knock on wood because I'm so grateful that like I've been able to overcome it and that worse things haven't happened to me in my life.

32:28Emma Chamberlain:But I do think since being on the internet and also since cancel culture, if you will, has become more of a thing, I've become more of a control freak for sure. Like 10 times more. When it comes to cancel culture specifically too, I feel in control of my actions and what I've done in my life, you know? And so if I were to be confronted on that, it's like, okay, I can handle that. You know what I mean? Like I'm not hiding anything, but the element that I can't control is rumors and lies. And that happens as well sometimes where somebody will be like, fuck it. I'm just going to make this TikTok saying that like Emma punched me in the face because like it'll get, you know, X amount of views.

33:05And then we go from there, you know, like that's the type of stuff that makes me feel so

33:11Emma Chamberlain:out of control is that I'm not in control of my own identity, my own story, my own reputation, because somebody so easily could lie and it could be taken as fact. And that happens. Okay. So now I think we understand what it means to be a control freak. Thanks to the internet. Now it's time to dissect me. I want to go through the pros and cons of my personal control freak tendencies and see what we can discover from that. I've broken it down into two categories, my work life and my personal life, because my control freak tendencies impact both very differently. So we're going to start with my work life.

33:48Okay, pro number one. I do think being a control freak makes my overall work quality higher. I am a perfectionist.

33:57Emma Chamberlain:And so that does positively impact my output. I work really hard and I put out good work. Okay, next in my work life, I'm very organized because being organized makes me feel in control. My Google calendar, my routine, my podcast outlines. When I'm filming a YouTube video and I have all my files of footage and stuff. I have it backed up on a hard drive and then on another hard drive. And then I have super organized folders with all the video clips. Like I am so organized. The organization makes me feel in control, which is as we know, a feeling that I like, but it benefits me because being organized is awesome.

34:40Emma Chamberlain:No one can tell me otherwise. Like I get it. It's a, it's a control freak trait. And I might be a little bit too organized. Sometimes it's like, okay, Emma, you don't need to be scheduling down to the hour with some stuff. I might be too organized at times, but I think overall, the organization seems to be a net positive. It really makes my workflow so much more productive and so much more seamless. I like that element. Next, I notice everything. I'm so meticulous, again, because being meticulous makes me feel in control, that I notice everything. If there's a little teeny tiny little mistake, I'm probably going to notice it.

35:17Emma Chamberlain:Now, there are certain things in my job that I can't have eyes on. Like for example, I don't listen to every single podcast episode after it's edited. It kind of just goes into the abyss because I don't have time for that because these episodes are long. And if I listen to every single one, I can't really do something else and pay attention to what I'm saying while I'm doing it. Like it's impossible. So that's something I don't, you know, review or like there's certain things with Chamberlain coffee, my company, where it's like, I can't look at every single little thing. I just can't. It's impossible.

35:50Emma Chamberlain:Like every single email that goes out to customers, every single Instagram post that gets posted onto the Instagram, I can't manage all that. Like it's too much for one person to do. And so I've had to delegate those things. But like, I really try to pay as close attention to everything as possible and be as meticulous as possible. And so I notice mistakes, which means just less mistakes, which is good for work-related stuff. Next, I do try to do as much of my own work as possible. I do delegate a lot, but I do more of my own stuff than I maybe have to because it makes me feel in control. I write my own podcast outlines.

36:32Emma Chamberlain:I edit my own YouTube videos. I handwrite stuff for Chamberlain Coffee instead of using a copywriter sometimes. And I think why that's a good thing is because number one, it loses its feeling of it being me. That is important to me. But also I lose that creative, like I'm not using that creative muscle in my head to make things. And last but not least, I like to believe that I'm easier to work with because I'm such a control freak. Like I actually think it makes me an easier, because I'm organized and because I'm a perfectionist. I think the perfectionist element can be a little bit tough, but I'm never disrespectful about it.

37:08Emma Chamberlain:I don't think. People I work with can call me if they ever listened to this episode and be like, well, that one time, but I don't think so. I'm respectful about it. I'm particular, but I'm kind. That's maybe the only sort of challenge with it. But I think I'm organized. I pay attention all because it makes me feel in control. So I think overall, it makes me easier to work with. Maybe, maybe not. I'm like, now I'm thinking about the people that I work with, whether it's like my wonderful agent or whatever. Like she's probably thinking right now, she's like, Emma is so particular. Like it's tough.

37:48Emma Chamberlain:But I think in some ways it makes me easier to work with. Like I'm organized. The organizational element I think is what makes me easier to work with. Okay. Now let's talk about the cons in my work life. I have a tendency to overwork myself from trying to do too many things at once and also trying to do everything perfectly to the point where it leads me to burn out easier. And burnout is when you basically overwork yourself to the point where you just become so fatigued that you like can't do anything. Then I really spiral because if I'm burnt out, I have a full, it causes a mental block and I can't come up with anything, anything, nothing feels right.

38:23Emma Chamberlain:Like I know when to take a step back more so now through practice. So I'm getting better at this, but it's still something that I struggle with occasionally. Another con, I've discussed this already in this episode. I can waste time trying to make something perfect. As I said earlier, I'll spend four hours working on something that could have been an hour, or I'll spend four weeks working on something that should have only taken four days. I mean, in my head, it doesn't feel like a waste of time because I want it to be a certain way. And I feel justified in it, but I think technically I could get more done.

38:58Emma Chamberlain:I could post more YouTube videos. I could do more if I wasn't as much of a control freak perhaps, but doing more isn't always the answer. So I don't know, like I'm kind of conflicted on this if this is a con, but it feels like a con to me. So I'm putting it on the cons list. Next, it makes me anxious that I can't do everything myself. Like it is impossible in my job to do everything myself. I could not make two podcast episodes a week and have them be edited and have them be posted everywhere and have the thumbnails edited. Like all of those things are very time consuming and I cannot do it myself.

39:35Emma Chamberlain:I could not run Chamberlain Coffee on my own. That would be impossible. There's a decent sized team now that works on Chamberlain Coffee because it's, it's, I cannot do all of it myself. I also don't even know how to do it all myself. You know, I do all my YouTube stuff on my own. If I were to relinquish some control with my YouTube, I could make more videos. You know, like if I hired an editor again, because I once had an editor for my YouTube videos, but I ended up being like, oh, I just, I miss editing them myself or whatever. And so I make the decision to do it all myself. And that's my choice.

40:05Emma Chamberlain:I do delegate a lot of what I do to other people and they do a wonderful job. But guess what? Even though they do an amazing job and I trust them wholeheartedly, I still get anxiety that I can't do everything myself. Sometimes painful anxiety that like freezes me. Like it's sometimes very overwhelming. Also, I think that sometimes I think my standards are too high and I'm like left disappointed when I shouldn't be disappointed. Like I should be proud or I should be excited, but it's like, ah, but it's not perfect. You know, and that leads to negative emotions, which is to me a con. And last but not least when I don't do something myself and it's not done properly That really upsets me it it I have feelings of deep regret like I should have done it myself Oh No, like and I can get really upset about this again I'm, not going to take it out on other people but like on a personal level, you know, i'm i'm calling my parents and i'm like crying about it You know what i'm saying?

41:02Emma Chamberlain:I'm so frustrated i'm so upset because i'm like if I would have done it myself It would have been fine. It would have been and now it was done wrong and it's because I I delegated and I, you know, and I can really beat myself up about it. And that's, again, a negative emotion that is not fun. I'm trying to get better about that, but it's definitely something I've struggled with. Now let's talk about my personal life. Okay. Starting with the pros. I think it's kind of wonderful for people in my life that I am somebody who's such a control freak because I make all the plans. Nobody has to stress.

41:32Emma Chamberlain:Nobody has to worry. I'll make the dinner reservation. I'll book the movie tickets. I'll plan it. No one else has to. And most people actually don't want to. Like that's a chore for them. Whereas for me, it's like, this is wonderful. I get to be in control. They get to sit back and relax and just come on the ride. However, this is also going to be a con, but we'll discuss that later. I think another pro is that I'm kind of the mom of the group a lot of times. Not always. There's sometimes somebody who's more mom energy than me. And when that's the case, I actually like it. I get excited. When there's somebody who is more of a control freak than me and I sense that, I'm like, oh, take it away then.

42:10Emma Chamberlain:Because you're going to do equally as good of a job as me, if not even better. You're going to pay attention to every detail and then some. But when there's not somebody who's more of a control freak than me in the group, I'm sort of the mom of the group. Somebody spills something on their shirt, I have a Tide to go stick. Somebody feels like they have bad breath. I have a Listerine strip in my bag. Somebody falls and cuts their leg really bad. I'm the one trying to figure out if we need to go to the hospital. I'm the one mapping to the nearest hospital. I'm the one taking the... Now, this is a newer thing in my life.

42:42Emma Chamberlain:I was not always the mom of the group. In fact, when I first moved to LA, I was less of a control freak. And I was in an era of my life where I was a bit more nihilistic, maybe a bit more depressive and I just didn't really care about anything. I was not the mom of the group. I was the one who needed to be taken care of sometimes. But at this point in my life, I can be the mom of the group. And I think it's nice to have that. Another pro, I live a very safe life. I'm always erring on the side of caution. Risky activities make me feel out of control. So I just like to play it safe. And to me, this is a wonderful thing.

43:19Emma Chamberlain:This is also, again, gonna show up again on the cons list, but I do think it can be a pro because I keep myself safe. Next, I've already mentioned this, but another pro is that I'm very controlling of my time and I want every moment to be used wisely. Thus, I have a fulfilling, productive set of routines that I follow in my life. I don't waste time scrolling on social media because at this point in my life, I'm too controlling to do something like that that feels like a waste. And I think this is a net positive. However, this does also show up on the cons list through a different lens. But anyway, and then last but not least, I think a pro of my particular case of being a control freak, I'm able to turn off my control freakness when in social settings a lot of times.

44:05Emma Chamberlain:As long as I've accomplished my routine first, okay, let me give an example. If I'm spending the first half of my day doing stuff for me, following my routine, I'm okay with relinquishing control in the second half of the day. If my friends are like, let's hang out and just do something random, I'm like, no plan. That's fine with me as long as I had some sort of sense of control earlier in the day and I did what I needed to do. And I'm planning ahead that I'm going to be relinquishing control. So there is still control in it, but like I'm able to do it. I'm not in social settings controlling of other people.

44:37Emma Chamberlain:And now let's discuss the cons in my personal life. Even though I do sometimes make space for spontaneous moments, I can miss out on spontaneous moments sometimes because I'm so rigid about my plans and my routines. Like it might be the weekend and I might get a text at like 8 a.m. being like, let's go to the beach. And I might turn it down because I'm like, I just need to like make my own coffee, go poop, go to my workout class, get a little bit of work done maybe that is like stressing me out. Like I might be like, I can't handle spontaneity right now I need structure and I need routine and I need, you know, I need what I need.

45:19And again,

45:20Emma Chamberlain:is this really a con? It's hard to say because I think to an extent that's just setting my boundaries. I don't know. This can be a con potentially, but I I'm iffy on if it is definitely a con though, is that I can overlook new experiences because I love the comfortability and control that comes with familiarity. I might miss out on trying a new restaurant to go to one I already know I like, but that new restaurant might be this gem that I'm missing out on. You know, I have a tendency to stay in romantic relationships for maybe a little bit longer than I need to because it's familiar and because it's safe and I have control over it.

46:00Emma Chamberlain:Whereas being single and going out into the dating world is a bit more out of my control. And that's a con. Another one, I can clash with people who like to do adventurous, spontaneous, risky stuff because that makes me feel out of control. But some people thrive on the opposite of me. I thrive on predictability, familiarity, control. Other people thrive off of adventurousness, spontaneousness, riskiness. There are wonderful people in my life who thrive on the opposite. And so there's a compromise that needs to be made. And sometimes it's really challenging for me or for them. when I do, you know, it can bear beautiful fruit.

46:38Emma Chamberlain:And so, you know, that begs the question then. It's like, well, is that a healthier lifestyle? I think not. I think there's value in having people in your life who live differently and stuff and force you to go out of your comfort zone a little bit. I don't think I need to stop being a control freak and be like them because that's not who I am. I don't even think I can do that. But I think there are moments when I can experience beautiful things through compromising with them. So I actually think it's kind of a pro, but it's a con though, because it's tough. Next, I get anxiety dealing with people who treat plans casually.

47:16Emma Chamberlain:I, as I've mentioned a trillion times this episode, like to feel in control of my routine and schedule. And so if somebody is like, let's just hang out later, but like who knows when, that's very uncomfortable for me. Next, because I'm so controlling about spending my time wisely and sticking to my productive routines, I can get upset when I feel like I've wasted time or didn't complete my routine. As I mentioned earlier, I've gotten better at pivoting and finding a way to find control in things not going as planned. I can regain the control by shifting my plans. But I think it does upset me maybe a little bit more than it should.

47:49Emma Chamberlain:More than anything, I think it gives me anxiety a little bit more than it should. And last but not least, I have an overwhelming amount of anxiety about the things in life that I can't control, which is a lot of things. Health. You know, I can exercise and I can eat well and I can go to the doctor and get my checkups and I can get my blood drawn every once in a while. And, you know, there are things that I can do and that are in my control. And let me tell you, I am in control of those things. Actually, that should be added to the pros list. I'm very health conscious, which is good. Sometimes can be a con when, you know, I become too obsessive about my health that can get dark.

48:27Emma Chamberlain:So, you know, it's kind of a pro and a con, but that's something that's really challenging. The health of me and my loved ones, uh, dangers out in the wild, driving, flying on planes, crossing the street, stalkers, murderers, like all these different things that you can't control. You can be wary and I definitely am like, you know, every time before I fly on a plane, I'm looking up the plane model and like the stats on the plane model. And when I'm driving, I'm not a fast driver, you know, and I'm very adamant about looking around, looking around, looking around. When I cross the street, I'm particularly cautious about crossing the street.

49:02Emma Chamberlain:Like I'm a freak. Like I sprint across the street. I don't care. I don't care if I look stupid. I don't care that I'm a 24 year old adult and that I can't casually cross the street. Like I'm running across the street. Like I'm a scared toddler. And guess what? I don't fucking care. Crossing the streets dangerous, especially in LA. People drive. I've almost gotten hit in a crosswalk before. I'm not, it's not, it's dangerous. So I treat it as such, but I have anxiety about these things to a level that's unhealthy. Definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely. And I think that is undeniably a con.

49:35Emma Chamberlain:So what's the conclusion of all this? Well, I don't necessarily really have one. I mean, I think the conclusion is very open ended and one that I could have come to the conclusion of prior to doing all of this research and self-reflection. I think being a control freak is neither good nor bad, as with most personality traits. Like if I was the complete opposite and I was an adrenaline junkie who loves spontaneity and adventure, there's pros and cons to that as well. And I think my personal homework that I'm giving myself is to try to extract the helpful, productive, positive elements of this personality trait, and then to keep an eye out on the negative ones and to try to work on them and find solutions.

50:17Emma Chamberlain:And as I find those solutions, I will be sure to share them with you all. But I'm not necessarily ready for that yet. Okay? I still have a little bit of work to do. I might crack the code one day. And maybe this is just sort of one of those ongoing struggles that I'll be dealing with for the rest of my life just because this is who I am. I'm not so sure. but I'll be keeping you updated on the journey. And that's it. That's all I have to discuss. And I discussed a lot. So I think we should all feel satisfied. If you enjoyed hanging out, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday. And you can watch video on YouTube and Spotify and listen literally anywhere.

50:51Emma Chamberlain:Podcasts are available anyway. And if you want to keep up with Anything Goes on social media, at Anything Goes. If you want to find me on social media, at Emma Chamberlain. And if you want to find my coffee company, that's Chamberlain Coffee, both in the world and online. I love you all. I appreciate you all. It is always a joy to hang out and reflect and analyze and dissect. To do that with you, oh my God, what a joy. I'll talk to you in a few days. Bye. I'm going to go proceed with my day with a rigid routine and an underlying sense of anxiety, and I'll talk to you guys later. Okay, I love you all.

51:29Emma Chamberlain:Bye.