i feel like my life is boring and it scares me

0:00Somebody said something interesting to me the other day. they said, Emma, you know, you kind of feel like a grandmother stuck in a 24-year-old's body. And when they said this, I took a pause. And immediately, a bunch of thoughts and feelings that had been bubbling below the surface came to the surface. And I had an epiphany that my life is kind of boring. Considering my age, I'm 24 years old, my life is shockingly boring. When I think about what it means to be 24 years old based on stories from my elders, the media, etc., I think of chaos, mess, fun, mistakes, irresponsibility, everything that my life is not, basically.

0:38My life is really tame. I don't drink alcohol. I don't do drugs. I don't go to very many parties. I can't tell you the last time I went to a club, okay? I don't have a lot of sex. I'm like the relationship type. I go to bed at a reasonable hour. I eat healthy. I exercise. I have a routine that I stick to. I'm incredibly disciplined. I try to do the right thing. I think I'm pretty good at doing the right thing. My life is really tame. And as much as this is sort of a wonderful thing, like in theory, isn't it wonderful to live a life like this? I feel like a lot of young people actually are striving to live a life like this.

1:18And by some miracle, I have found myself in this position where I'm living a really beautiful, healthy life, but I found myself feeling really bored in it and understimulated, looking at other 24-year-olds and thinking, should I be living like that? Have I expedited my life in a way and ended up in a stage of adulthood that's more developed than where I should be? Am I wasting my youth being almost too responsible and living almost too healthy and too tame of a life too soon? It causes a sense of restlessness in me and it bothers me because it doesn't make sense. And so today I thought I'd investigate this feeling.

2:06I thought we could investigate this feeling and maybe try to resolve it. I want to either reintroduce a level of chaos into my life for the sake of youth, because I'm only 24 once, you know what I mean? Or I want to find some level of satisfaction in the lifestyle that I've found myself living. Come up with some sort of plan. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo. Okay, hear me out. Apparently, you can earn cash back with your Venmo debit card. All you have to do is join Venmo Stash and boom, you get cash back when you shop at your favorite brands.

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3:26Although I don't think I live like a grandmother. Like I'm not full-on grandma. Like I don't think grandmothers are like popping a zin because yes, I am using the zin. I'm still addicted to nicotine. That's like the one naughty thing that I do. I also occasionally will, I don't know, watch too many YouTube shorts. That feels kind of naughty in young. You know, I don't think grandparents are watching YouTube shorts, although I wouldn't be surprised. But anyway, let's discuss how I got here. Starting out with my sobriety, okay? I don't participate in alcohol or drugs. Why? Because I have a terrible physical reaction.

4:07This is not by choice. This is not me being like, oh, it's healthier to not participate in these things. I didn't wake up one day and read an article and then say, you know what? I'm done. No. With alcohol, I had to quit because I'm pretty sure I developed an allergy. Alcohol gives me hives and rashes on my face. No, actually, I don't know if it's hives. I get super red and like patchy red on my face when I drink sometimes. I also developed a nausea from drinking that I didn't used to get towards the end of my drinking career, if you will. Towards the end of my drinking, I'm having one glass of wine and getting so nauseous that I either feel like I'm gonna throw up or I actually do throw up.

4:53And the combination of everything to me was a sign that clearly alcohol doesn't work with my body and it made me miserable. So I stopped drinking and I haven't drank alcohol since October of 2024. Wait, yeah, October of 2024. It's been over a year. And to be honest, I actually really like being sober. I'd be super anxious after a night of drinking. It made me feel gross physically, sluggish, just like shit. I don't know. I enjoy not drinking. It's a bummer because I used to enjoy a little buzz at a party or something. You know, I used to enjoy the experience of going to a wine bar with friends and getting to fully participate.

5:40I do miss it to an extent, but it wasn't worth it. And I will say it has forced me to learn to be social sober, which I think is an incredible skill to have. So to me, it's okay. Drugs, marijuana, mushrooms, shit like that freaks me out. Marijuana, every time I consume marijuana, I have a panic attack. I had such a bad panic attack from edibles one time that it permanently changed my brain. I'm not kidding. My brain has never been the same. It made me dissociate so badly for the first time, by the way, I'd never dissociated before. So no weed for me. Mushrooms. I've done mushrooms a few times.

6:22I actually really enjoyed it, but I'm a little bit too anxious these days to take anything like that. I'm too anxious of having a bad trip and then being stuck in it to the point where it's not even worth participating. And then any other drugs are just dangerous and bad and bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. So it doesn't matter. I'm not, I wouldn't do those in any circumstance. So that's why I'm sober. These things just don't react well with me. Like, listen, if I wanted to reintroduce a little bit of chaos into my life, could I try drinking again? I guess, but I don't think, I don't think that's the root of the problem.

6:58I don't think being sober is the reason for my restlessness because honestly, when I look back at when I used to drink, it made me so anxious and unhappy. and that was at its best when I was having the best reaction to it, the least uncomfortable. It was like severe anxiety. And then at worst I was having, I would get a rash or be nauseous. You see what I'm saying? So I don't think that's the issue. Okay, next, I don't go out very much. I think there's a few reasons for this. Number one, my friends are older for the most part, between like five and maybe like five and nine years older than me.

7:36And the age difference is noticeable when it comes to going out because they've already gone through the going out phase of being in your 20s. They're now all in relationships, comfortable, satisfied, and they don't feel the pull to go out as much as maybe I do being single and 24. So, you know, if your friend group doesn't want to go out, go to a club, doesn't want to go to a party just for the sake of going to a party, doesn't want to go to a bar just for the sake of going to a bar, you're not going to end up going. You know, you're going to do what the rest of the group wants to do. I don't necessarily mind this because in reality, I don't really even enjoy doing those things either.

8:22But there are times where I'm like, oh, I'm itching to go out. I need to go out. I friends are like, Emma, we're tired. We're tired. No, no. That's not to say that I don't like that. I never go out. I do go out sometimes, you know, I'll go to a party every once in a while. I will go to a bar every once in a while, but less frequently than other 24 year olds that I know. But as I said, though, too, I don't want to go to a club. It's too loud. It's not fun unless you're under the influence of something, which I obviously am not. It's just not, it just doesn't work for me. If anything, I prefer something more social like a party or a bar, but even that is sort of hit or miss.

9:06Like I'll find myself itching to go out, itching, itching, itching to go out. And then I'll go to a bar or go to a party or something. And I'll be like, ew, I'm bored. This is not that fun. People are, you know, being maybe less social than I expected. This is just less stimulating than I anticipated. Like, I could have skipped that. Moving on to my sort of boring love life, okay? I am usually in a long-term relationship. When I'm not, like right now, I don't really like casual hookups and I don't love serial dating. If you don't know what serial dating is, serial dating is, according to the internet.

9:49A serial dater is someone who frequently dates many different people in succession, often moving quickly from one relationship to the next without much downtime, driven by a love for the thrill of new romance, avoiding commitment, fearing loneliness, or seeking validation and attention. They enjoy the early exciting stages of dating, but get bored easily or shy away from deep commitment. When I think of an exciting love life for someone in their early 20s, I think of having sex, making out with random people at the bar, going home with people and having sex. I think of going on a bunch of first dates that are like shitty and being like, God damn it, that one was bad.

10:32That one was bad too. Now I need to go on another date or, oh my God, I'm in love with this person. Just to then be like, ew, I hate them a week later. Like this sort of excitement drama, I've tried it a little, you know, I've tried the casual hookup thing and without fail every single time I feel icky afterwards. I don't feel good. I feel gross. And I don't think that has anything to do with societal expectations or beliefs or feelings around casual sex. I actually don't think it has anything to do with external factors like that. I think it's strictly the experience of being romantic with somebody that I'm not close with.

11:14I don't necessarily feel 100 % comfortable and safe with. That experience to me is icky. I'm attracted to safety. As much as I'd love to be like having random sex and stuff, because there is something satisfying about that when you're single. It's sort of a, I don't know, it makes you feel in control of, how do I put this? Having casual sex is a reminder that you're attractive, that people want to be with you, that they're attracted to you, which is reassuring in a moment of singlehood. I absolutely have moments when I'm single experiencing it right now where I'm like, does mama still got it or what?

11:57Like, does anyone like me? Or it would be nice if someone would be really interested in me, like would be interested in me sexually because I'm a little nervous that people don't, that no one likes me. Do you know what I'm saying? And this is just the truth of it, the reality of it. If I were to do that, it would be, I think for the wrong reasons. and that's not the case for everybody, but the case for me. And so that's why I don't have casual sex. It sounds like it would be fun, but every time I've done it, it has not been fun. Could I potentially get out there and experiment and try it again?

12:34I could, I could, but I'm at the risk of not honoring my past experiences in potentially putting myself in a situation where I'm deeply uncomfortable at my own hand. And why would I? It's like, so yeah, I could do that. But then it's like, that actually seems like I'm actively making a choice to ignore what I know about myself. And that seems self-destructive. Like it just doesn't seem smart. In addition to not enjoying casual sex, I also don't like serial dating. The idea of going on a bunch of first dates and getting to the honeymoon phase with a bunch of different people and then cutting it off and then starting something new and fresh again, even though it's a bit toxic, perhaps it sounds fun, right?

13:25It sounds fun. It sounds exciting. But for whatever reason, I don't like the beginning stages in a relationship. I don't like the honeymoon phase. I like the part of the relationship when we're farting, we're super close. I don't feel like I have to read into what someone's saying. we can just be completely open because we've made a commitment to one another. And, you know, a lot of the guesswork is taken out when that commitment is made. Like I prefer the later stages in a relationship, if anything, the beginning is quite stressful for me. I tend to overthink it or not even overthink it, but I tend to sort of obsess over it in a way because that's, what's fun about it.

14:05It's a distraction. It's almost drug-like in the beginning when you're so excited and you have such a big crush, it's all consuming. And to some that's an escape and that's fun and that's exciting. To me, that's exhausting and stressful and frightening. And I would rather just skip ahead to being in a committed relationship and being extremely comfortable together, which is why I don't serial date. I have never even attempted serial dating. I have literally only ever gone on dates with guys I'm dating already, like that are my boyfriend. I usually know when I want to date somebody before we've even gone on a date because either they're a mutual friend or we've started talking via text message.

14:48And by the time we're like going on a date, we're already kind of dating. Does that make sense? And I never even I've never even gotten into that stage with somebody who I haven't ended up dating long term. I don't go on random dates. The idea of serial dating exhausts me. It seems like an emotional rollercoaster, getting into the honeymoon phase with somebody and then once that starts to dwindle, leaving it and moving on to the next or whatever, or just going on a bunch of dates and having sort of a roster of like, these are all the guys I'm casually dating right now. That experience, though it seems more stimulating and interesting, also seems exhausting and it actually is sort of unappealing to me.

15:33but as much as it is unappealing to me I look at other people my age doing that and I again kind of envy it it seems like it would be so fun and exciting to date that way but also I think deep down I know the reality wouldn't work for me I'm not going to start having random sex and I'm not going to start building my dating roster of like 20 guys 20 would be a lot I don't even I don't even think there's 20 guys in this I don't know that that yeah that's not that that's let's say five guys, burgers and fries. Okay, fine. Let's say six guys. Moving on, I live a very healthy lifestyle. I exercise.

16:14I go on my morning walks. I go to my hot yoga. I eat nutritious foods, things such as lentils, vegetables, and fruits, and proteins. I tend to cook for myself. I don't order food delivery very often. I live a very healthy lifestyle, which not in a toxic way, though, I don't think at this point in my life. It's not like I don't eat dessert ever. It's not like I'm out at a restaurant with my friends and I'm like, no, no, no, I'm healthy. So I'm not going to have a bite of the pecan pie. That's not accurate. I, of course, will eat the pecan pie. In fact, I'll probably eat more of it than anyone else because I love a dessert.

17:01But day to day, I'm going to my workouts, I'm going on my walks, and I'm eating nutritiously and healthily. I don't know. In a weird way, when I think of being in your early 20s, I think of eating an entire bag of Cheez-Its for dinner, staying up too late. I imagine laying in bed all day sometimes. I imagine all these different things because when you're young, you can get away with it and you don't feel as bad. You don't feel the repercussions as severely when you're young. You can get away with saying, fuck it, I'm not going to exercise for two months. Fuck it, I'm not going to eat any vegetables for two months.

17:40You can do that. And yet I very early in my life discovered that I feel so much better when I live a very healthy life. That also includes even going to bed early or not even necessarily early, but at a responsible hour and waking up at a responsible hour. There was a time, I would say when I was a teenager, where I did all the things I'm describing. I'd eat an entire bag of Cheez-Its for dinner and have a terrible stomach ache from it. I would go to bed at four in the morning. I wouldn't exercise for months on end. And you know, want to know what? I felt like shit. I felt fucking terrible. I felt physically terrible, but also mentally terrible.

18:17I felt horrible. So it's very odd, once again, that I'm like feeling, I'm feeling restless about a lifestyle that does actually make me feel physically good. If I were to drop my healthy habits for the sake of chaos, which sounds ridiculous, but again, we're having a bizarre sort of conversation here because I'm experiencing a feeling that's sort of bizarre and confusing and doesn't really make any sense. If I were to drop all my healthy habits and regress technically and go back and like start eating foods that aren't nutritious and sleeping bad hours and not exercising, I would hate my life.

18:59My life would, my quality of life would be worse. That's not going to work. So I don't know. This episode is brought to you by eBay. We all have that one piece. You know the one, the thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it. And if you don't have yours yet, you'll find it on eBay. Let me put you on, people. eBay is where you'll find those one of a kind, can't stop researching, stay up dreaming about pieces again and again. I'm talking about that off the runway red leather bomber that you've had your eye on, the trendy top with the cowboy on it, or that sleek fleece from the 2017 colorway.

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20:25Recently, I've been journaling, go on a walk, do chores, work, take a break from working, exercise, come home, get back to work, cook dinner. Oh, probably earlier in the day I cooked something for breakfast and lunch, do more chores, feed my cats. I also fed my cats earlier in the day too. Talk to my loved ones on the phone, go to bed, repeat. Now, let me ask myself, what do I think most 24-year-olds are doing on a day-to-day basis? Probably the same thing. But when I imagine the lifestyle of others in their early 20s, I think of people going out to dinners on weeknights, going to parties on weeknights, waking up late on accident.

21:06I don't know. Like it just a little bit more, ah, je ne sais quoi or not even je ne sais quoi, but like a little bit more chaos. You know what I'm saying? It's like so chill, my life. It's so relaxed. It's like it's so consistent and so simple and so healthy. But I think probably most people like that's probably most people's routine. So I don't know why I'm sort of, it seems that what I'm doing is as I'm describing all of this, it seems that I'm doing two things. Number one, I'm creating a false version of what a normal 24 year old's life looks like a romanticized version, a dramatized version.

21:43And I'm comparing my life to that. And that comparison is making me feel restless. What I'm comparing my life to is something that is ultimately not real and seems more fun and more loose and more exciting and maybe even happier because I'm romanticizing it a little bit. And as they say, the grass is always greener. It's almost like I'm looking at what I think other 24-year-olds are doing and I'm like, wait, that looks more fun. I'm all buttoned up over here. I'm being responsible and it feels so boring. The grass is always greener. It seems that's the first thing that's going on here. The other thing that seems to be going on here is that I think in order to live my life this way, I have to be very disciplined.

22:27And I think the level of discipline that it takes to live my life the way that I do is sort of fatiguing for me in a way. Those things don't necessarily come naturally. And the lifestyle itself is a bit under stimulating for me. And so I find myself between sort of a rock and a hard place here where I'm like, okay, I can't go backwards. I know better. You know, after analyzing my lifestyle, I don't see any areas where I could in good faith regress. Like, why would I regress? Technically, it's like I've actually arrived at a really good place here. And I to go backwards is stupid. It's actually stupid.

23:07But I'm feeling restless. So what is that restlessness? And it seems that the restlessness is stemming from a combination of comparison and also there being a lack of stimulation in my life. My disciplined, routine, healthy life is not stimulating enough for me. So how do I address these issues? Let's brainstorm together. What should I do? What should I do? To start, I think I need to work on being mindful about this. I think I need to integrate a bit of mindfulness. When I find myself comparing my life to other fictional 24-year-olds, I need a reality check, a self-inflicted reality check. I think, number one, I need to stop romanticizing things I know don't work for me.

23:55just because the fictional 24 year old in my head that I'm comparing myself to has a bunch of fun with a roster of six people that they're dating at once and they went to bed at five in the morning because they were clubbing all night. I need to remind myself why I don't do those things. I could if I wanted to. Why don't I do them? Because I know better, because I know that it doesn't work for me, because I know it actually makes me miserable. So I need to remind myself that I'm comparing myself to a fictional 24-year-old for one and also remind myself why I don't do those things. Remind myself of the times when I have done those things and how I felt.

24:32Instead of just subconsciously sort of gnawing on this fictional 24-year-old character in my head, I need to bring that to the forefront of my head and address it head on and remember the truth of the situation. Next, I need to stay in my own lane. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. I need to stay in my own lane and focus on my own life. I need to put my energy towards my life and ignore what other people are doing or what other people are saying about what I'm doing. It doesn't matter. I need to put my head down and stay in my lane. When I catch myself comparing my life to a fictional 24-year-old or even a real 24-year-old, because that actually does happen sometimes too, I would say most of the time I'm comparing myself to sort of this idea of what I think I should be doing at my age, but sometimes it is an actual real person.

25:20I need to focus on me. Everybody's on their own journey. I know that. I need to remind myself of that when I find myself struggling with this. And lastly, I think I need to focus on gratitude for how good my lifestyle makes me feel because I haven't always felt this good and I rarely take time to be grateful for how good I feel. I put a lot of effort into feeling good. I should take them in every once in a while to acknowledge how good I feel compared to how bad I used to feel when I was younger and I hadn't implemented the habits that I've implemented. Attempting to turn my restlessness into gratitude might be the move.

26:03Moving on from mindfulness, I've also tried to think about some activities that I could integrate into my life that maybe would help with this feeling of restlessness. Number one, cooking meals from scratch. I actually already started doing this. It was one of my New Year's resolutions. I want to cook things really from scratch, like not just like, oh, you know, I got like a loaf of bread from the store and then now I'm going to make avocado toast on that bread that I bought from the store. I want to start making my own bread or like, you know, instead of going and getting a can of soup from the grocery store, I want to make my own soup.

26:43I've really gotten into it and I've really loved it. Do I think that it's solved my feelings of restlessness? No, but it's not completely, but it has helped. So I want to continue doing that and continue cooking things from scratch because it's so immersive. You're so immersed in the experience and there's such a wonderful reward, yummy food. I think the distraction and the excitement of that, at least for me, has been helpful. So I'm going to continue doing that and continue to make more and more challenging recipes because I think the challenge is what makes it riveting. Another thing I want to start doing, hosting social gatherings, either at my house or out somewhere.

27:27I think it is really important for me to be social. And I've found that the more social that I'm being, the less restless, I feel. But I will say that, you know, the traditional methods of socializing seemingly don't work for me, right? Like, I don't love going out to the club. I don't love going out even to a bar or a party. So perhaps I could put together some sort of social gathering that appeals to me and will probably appeal to others, whether that's like, you know, a weekend trip with a group of friends or a dinner party at my house or a dinner party at a restaurant or a game night. I need to host more gatherings that are interesting to me.