i think i finally figured out how to rest

0:00It feels like every single trait that I have makes me adverse to rest. Resting is incredibly challenging for me. And I know what a lot of you are thinking. Emma, how is resting hard for you? The whole point of rest is that it's easy, that it's relaxing, that you don't even have to try. It's just easy. It's the easiest thing you can do. It's rest. Like how could that be hard for you? Listen, I ask myself the same thing, but when I look inward, it makes a lot of sense. I'm just not built to rest. Every fiber of my being wants to move, wants to do things, wants to control, wants to overthink. This is just who I am.

0:41And to be honest, it makes a lot of sense because my mom is even worse than me. She is even more of a busy body than I am. She's constantly doing something. Now that I think about it, though, as she's gotten older, she's learned to rest a bit more. But my point of bringing my mom into this is that it seems it might be genetic. Whenever I talk about this side of myself, this sort of busy body, control freak, perfectionist side of myself, I'm always a bit hesitant because I know that it can come off as sort of a humble brag in a way. Like, oh, you guys, I just can't help it. I just get so much done because I'm just such a busybody.

1:20Oh, I'm such a freak. I just get so much done. I'm just so productive. I know that it can come off that way. But the truth is, is that it's not a flex. Are there maybe some benefits to being this way? Sure. But I think ultimately it is not a pleasant way of life. I think it leads to burnout so frequently that the productivity is actually not as productive as it seems, if that makes sense. Like, I actually don't think I end up getting any more done than somebody who maybe doesn't possess the traits that I have. The difference being I'm so stressed about, you know, constantly doing things that I end up doing too much in a burst of energy coming from a place of stress and almost like desperation.

2:08Then I exhaust myself to the point where I can't do anything. And then that makes me feel so terrible that then I have a terrible phase of restfulness where I'm beating myself up, feeling guilty, blah, blah, blah. and eventually I muster up just enough energy for another burst and then I get burnt out again and the cycle continues. So it's not a flex. It's one of my greatest challenges, I think. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo. Okay, hear me out. Apparently you can earn cash back with your Venmo debit card. All you have to do is join Venmo Stash in boom.

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3:22Okay. To start, I am very anxious and I'm an overthinker. Okay. This is just who I am, but being anxious and being an overthinker makes rest really challenging because you know what an anxious overthinker does when they're resting? They ruminate, they overthink, they overanalyze, they have the time to spiral about something. So part of me wonders if I sort of have a fear of rest in a way because I'm like, oh, if I rest, like I know my mind will run amok. I'm going to have unpleasant thoughts. Whereas if I keep myself distracted and active, I won't have as much time or energy to indulge in those uncomfortable, painful, irrational thoughts.

4:08I think a lot of my sort of overactiveness is a response and perhaps a defense mechanism in a way or not a defense mechanism. Well, yeah, a defense mechanism. It's a distraction from anxiety and overthinking. Listen, I'm constantly working on my mindfulness to help with my anxiety and my overthinking, but the journey is ongoing. I do not have it all figured out. And there are times in my life where the thought of resting and allowing those thoughts to come in, it's just too much for me. And I'm like, I just can't handle it right now. There's too many other things going on in my life. Like I don't want to sit with my thoughts right now.

4:47I can't handle it. I know that they're not going to be good. And so I'm just going to keep myself busy and distracted so that I don't have to deal with my anxieties and the things that I could overthink. The next trait that I have is that I'm a perfectionist. I am rarely satisfied. There's always more that could be done in every single category of my life. Work, myself, like my personal self, like my, even like my, like my physical being even, you know, chores around the house, everything, nothing is ever perfect to me. And there are times when I get wrapped up in my perfectionism and I believe the myth that there is a sort of perfect that I'm striving for that I could reach.

5:31And so I'm working with this idea of perfection in my subconscious that I'm not even fully aware of. And if I were to bring it to the forefront of my mind, I would realize, oh, wait, I probably should stop sooner than I am, right? I probably should allow myself to consider things to be complete sooner so that I can rest and enjoy the fruits of my labor. But my default is to never be satisfied, for things to never be quite right, for things to always require more work, putting me in a state where the to-do list never ends, right? And when you're existing in a state like that, it's like, well, I can't rest.

6:10My to-do list is not done. But if you're a perfectionist, it's like, yeah, well, the to-do list never ends. And that's not healthy. And I know that. I'm also a control freak. I think the control freak and the perfectionist go hand in hand. And I also think that goes hand in hand with the anxiety, right? It's like, I want to feel in control of everything in my life because it's soothing for me. Because anxiety stems from a lack of control, at least for me. And so controlling everything in my life to a point that's unhealthy, at least in the moment, helps relieve some anxiety because I feel in control of things.

6:48I don't feel like they'll get away from me. I don't feel like they'll run away from me. I do find a lot of solace. It's like, well, I find temporary solace in being a control freak. It's instant gratification. In the moment when I'm controlling everything I can, it brings me a sense of peace, but long-term it exhausts me. I also think too, that being a perfectionist is, I mean, maybe being a perfectionist and being a control freak are the same thing. To me, making things as perfect as they can possibly be gives me a sense of control because it makes me feel like nothing can go wrong if I do a perfect job, which then relieves my anxiety.

7:26It's this disgusting web of hell. No, let me be more gentle. But it is this disgusting web. Okay, we'll take hell out of this, but it is a disgusting web in my mind. A sick fucking web of just chaos in there. And it all intertwines. If I had to provide a symbol for you that could explain to you what my brain looks like, the picture that I would show you would be, it would be like a cork board with a bunch of pictures and weird little random things pinned to it with a bunch of red string connecting it all like a detective. That's how my brain is. It's this like, and maybe everybody's brain is like that, but my brain is like this complicated web of chaos for no reason, because I'm not solving a crime.

8:15You know, I'm not a detective. It doesn't need to be like that. Like I dream of a brain that looks like an organized file cabinet. My God, what a beautiful way of functioning compared to what I'm doing. Like in movies, when you see like a person trying to solve a mystery with all these, you know, with a board like that in front of them, they're usually not in a good place. Do you know what I'm saying? Their hair is all fucked up. They're like beside themselves trying to solve a mystery. You know, if you see a detective in a movie that has their shit together, they got a slick back bun and they're wearing a power suit.

8:49I'll tell you, their files are in a cabinet. You know what I mean? Like it's, it's very symbolic. Anyway, moving on. I think the anxiety, the overthinking, the perfectionism and the control freak is all kind of one in the same. It's all very connected, but I'm also somebody who struggles with imposter syndrome. Like I really struggle to feel like I've, like I've earned what I have in my life, you know? And I felt this way since I was a kid. Like I feel like even in school, I would get good grades because I worked really hard, but I still felt dumb. I was like, I feel like I'm too dumb to have the grades that I have.

9:25I feel like I don't deserve to have an A. I feel like I somehow tricked everyone into thinking that I, well, it's not even tricked everyone into thinking. I would feel like, I feel like I somehow tricked my way into getting a good grade on the test and I don't actually deserve the good grade on the test. I've somehow cheated without even cheating. I've never cheated on a test in my life. I've always studied and worked hard and done what I needed to do to make it happen. And still, even then, I somehow always feel like I cheated. And I feel like that as an adult in my career, I'm like, I constantly feel like an imposter, that I don't deserve what I have, that I haven't worked hard enough, that, you know, and again, that adds to this sort of side of my side where I can't rest because it's like, I don't deserve what I have.

10:07So I, I can't take a day off because I haven't earned it. Even if I have, I've convinced myself that I haven't earned it. And last but not least, this is less of a personal personality trait, but this is just kind of the state of our current culture. I, as with many of you, am a victim of hustle culture, okay? I wouldn't say that we're at a point societally where hustle culture is peaking anymore. Like I feel like it peaked a few years ago, but it's still definitely prevalent. hustle culture according to the internet plagues people with the mindset that constant work productivity and self-optimization are the ultimate measures of worth and despite my belief that hustle culture is toxic i find myself captured by it anyway it's so ingrained in our culture it seems that it's very hard to keep perspective and to remember that it's toxic And I think, too, hustle culture peaked a few years ago in a pivotal moment in my life, you know what I mean, where I was young and trying to figure out my work ethic and how to have a work ethic.

11:16And while I was on that journey, all of the media that I consumed on the Internet, the undertone of it all was coming from hustle culture, you know. And I know I know that it's toxic. I know that it's not conducive, like believing in hustle culture, believing in, I mean, listen, it's tough because like being productive and having discipline and all these things are good. But I think the problem with hustle culture is that it's too extreme. There is no room for relaxation and soulfulness in hustle culture. It's very much like our purpose as human beings is to get shit done. And I know that it's not true.

11:54I know that it's toxic, but it just, sometimes it creeps in anyway. And so it's safe to say that I am not built for rest. And on top of that, we are not living in a time where rest is valued, where it's celebrated. Rest is not. It is not in, you know what I'm saying? What's in is being a productive machine. So I struggle with rest, even though I know the truth. I know how important rest is and I'll give people advice about how to rest. I have such a deep understanding of the importance of rest that I feel comfortable giving people advice on how and why they should rest. It's a very perplexing thing to know exactly how to do something, but to not be able to do it.

12:43I think my greatest struggle is effectively resting. We can be doing something and thinking that we're resting, but we're not. Because what is effective rest? In order for rest to be effective, it has to actually be restful. You have to actually come out the other side rested. Otherwise, it's not rest, it's something else. Effective rest, according to the internet, is rest that actually rejuvenates your mind, body and creativity. So you return to work or life feeling refreshed rather than drained. Listen, I can take a day off every once in a while, but I struggle to take that day off and use it effectively.

13:26That's my issue. I can force myself to do that, but it's very rare that upon giving myself the space to rest that I actually use it properly. Let me share with you some examples of effective rest, okay? Mental rest, like meditation or journaling. Physical rest, like napping or gentle yoga. Fun rest, like painting or playing instruments with your friends, if you know how to play instruments. Social rest, like talking to a friend or doing the opposite if you're feeling socially exhausted and having some time by yourself. Sensory rest, like spending quiet time in nature or doing a digital detox and not going on any devices and doing all without guilt, fully succumbing to the rest and allowing it to be truly enjoyable and truly restful.

14:22Over the holidays, I decided it was time. I needed to give myself two weeks of effective rest. It's long overdue. I'm feeling incredibly burnt out. I'm feeling incredibly emotionally exhausted. I've not effectively rested in a very long time. I'm going to take these two weeks and I'm really going to do it. It's dire because I'm so bad at resting, right? Like I'm constantly either on the verge of burning out or burned out. And on top of that, I'm going through a breakup. Yeah, it's been a few months, but it almost seems to be getting worse. You know what I mean? Well, no, it goes through phases, but it's not a linear journey.

15:07Right. And so right before the holidays, for whatever reason, I was particularly struggling with my breakup. And on top of that, I was feeling burnt out and emotionally exhausted. It was just like I needed rest so bad. I was not in a good place. I was not a happy camper. I knew that the holidays needed to be a time of effective rest in rejuvenation for me because I was not in a good place. Well, unfortunately for me, I came out of my holiday break feeling, you won't believe it, even more exhausted, even more exhausted than I did going into it. How did this happen? I didn't have it in me to rest effectively.

15:43I knew I was resting wrong, but I did it anyway. You wanna know how I spent my two weeks of what I wanted to be rest and rejuvenation? I spent it brain rotting. I kid you not. I spent my entire holiday break on YouTube shorts scrolling. I got my bare minimum done in addition to that. I spent time with friends and family, which was enjoyable to an extent. I continued to exercise. I did my skincare routine. It's not like all I ever did was brain rot, but in every single free moment, I was on YouTube shorts. Every single minute that didn't get filled by something else, it was filled with that. And this led to an immense feeling of guilt.

16:30You know, I knew I was using my resting time incorrectly, but I just did not have it in me. I didn't have the self-control to do anything else. It's sort of a paradox. In order to rest effectively, you actually do need to have a little bit of energy left in the tank because to rest effectively, you do have to use a little discipline not to do things that are bad for you, not to just melt away into toxic distractions like brain rotting on YouTube shorts does bad things to my brain, but it's the easiest option. It's the lowest hanging fruit and it's a phenomenal distraction. My brain literally completely shuts off when I'm watching YouTube shorts.

17:13It's basically like watching, it's like watching TikTok. It's just the algorithm's a little bit less toxic. It's short form content. It's filling your brain with so much noise that you can't feel a thing. It's great. It's absolutely numbing. It's wonderful for the time being, but it actually isn't good long term. You know, long term, it numbs you to your thoughts and feelings and emotions. it puts your brain in an anxious overactive state it puts your brain in like a jumbled mess sort of state right i know that you know that we all know that but because it's the lowest hanging fruit in a moment of rest when there's space to do whatever you want to do it can be tempting to just scroll unless you have a little bit of energy a little bit of gas left in the tank to have discipline enough to not do that.

18:07You know what I'm saying? The paradox is I need discipline to rest properly. I don't need a lot of discipline, but I need just a little discipline. But because I'm in this perpetual state of burnout and exhaustion and guilt and shame, by the time that I do allow myself to rest, I have nothing left in the tank, right? Rest for me comes at a low point. Like I have no choice. It's like I have to rest right now. Like I'm completely depleted. But then because I'm completely depleted, I rest ineffectively because I don't have that little, little drop of discipline I need to rest effectively. So then I rest ineffectively, which not only causes more guilt and shame because I know I'm doing the wrong thing, but also then I come out of my phase of rest, not feeling rested, then leading me to get back to work or whatever with like a tank that maybe has one drop of gas in it to like keep me going for the next two weeks or so until I then barely, and then I hit another low point.

19:16Listen, I know that this sounds dramatic and this isn't how I exist all the time. There are phases of my life where I have my anxiety under control. I have my perfectionism under control. I do find balance in my routine. between work and relaxation. Like this is not a constant state of life for me. And so there are times where I'm in a good place with it. There are also times where I'm not. And recently I found myself in a place where I was not. I think too, going through my breakup kind of takes a lot of discipline to go through a breakup, takes a lot of mental strength. And I noticed at least with me, the breakup kind of rattled me in such a way that I was putting so much of my mental energy towards dealing with the breakup and the challenges that come with that, that a lot of the things that I have to be mindful about with myself to keep under control ended up kind of going awry.

20:13So my anxiety kind of got out of control. My perfectionism kind of got out of control. My control freak nature kind of got out of control. My imposter syndrome, it's like going through a breakup will trigger those things anyway in people. But because I'm somebody who naturally, I'm predisposed to experiencing those things anyway. It's like, I feel like I fell into it worse than like even worse. You know what I mean? It was quite, it was quite the jumbled mess. This episode is brought to you by eBay. We all have that one piece, you know, the one, the thing that's so you, you've basically become known for it.

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21:34And in order for me to rest effectively, I have to really be in sync with myself. Even when I'm in a good place, I'm still always on the edge of a cliff. And if one thing goes wrong, I like lose control of all those things and they become issues in my life again. Naturally, going through a breakup pushed me off the cliff. And then I pushed through and I pushed through until I couldn't anymore. And luckily for me, the holidays came around and I was like, okay, well, this is my time to rest. But I was so depleted by the time it was time to rest that then I rested terribly. I just tried to numb myself by watching people do crumble cookie reviews on YouTube shorts and try the new McDonald's dill pickle Grinch meal.

22:21Like that was what I was doing. And that actually put me into a even worse, even darker place because I felt guilty that I was doing that. And mindless scrolling puts your brain in just a bad place anyway. Then my break ends. It's time to go back to work. And I'm in a really bad place. I'm really not feeling good. I'm like suppressing feelings about my breakup, not wanting to address them. I'm feeling like shit about myself. My confidence is low because I just brain rotted for two weeks straight and did nothing of value. I wasted an opportunity to effectively rest even when I know better, which lowered my confidence, made me feel disgusting about myself.

23:05I hit a breaking point. I felt so bad after this failed two weeks of rest. Like I can't even express to you how disgusting I felt that I hit a breaking point. It was my first day back to work, what was supposed to be my first day back to work, and I could not move. I think I laid in bed all day. I got not a thing done. But something interesting happened where I think I laid on the couch all day. I actually rested. I wasn't scrolling. I was tired of scrolling. I was like repulsed by scrolling at that point. I didn't even listen to music. I just laid down and was silent. And what I realized was it wasn't that scary after all.

23:47I think what happened was I reached a point of feeling so bad I had allowed myself to get to a point. Actually, I don't even think I had a choice. I hit a low point and I felt so horrible. I had no choice but to just stop everything and just lay there. And the week that followed was very soulful in a way. I finally relinquished control and just let myself rest. I had pushed myself so far. I quite literally had no choice. And for the following week, I didn't force myself to do anything. I just let my soul call me to what I needed. And what's really interesting is that it called me to all of these things that I've been wanting to do anyway in my life.

24:35Giving myself the space to rest actually made me crave things that I've wanted to crave. Allowing myself to rest brought me back to journaling every single morning. It brought me back to walking outside every day. There was a period of time where I was like, I can't walk outside right now. I don't have time. I need to be on my treadmill and be typing on my iPad instead of walking outside. I need to be productive while I'm walking. It brought me back to walking outside. It brought me back to cooking meals from scratch. I started reading again. I started listening to content that was educational.

25:15Mindfulness became so much easier. I started daydreaming again, thinking in a healthy way about things again. And my thoughts were able to just come and go. I allowed myself to nap. I've been sleeping for like 10, 12 hours a day. The week I was supposed to go back to work ended up being a week of true rest. Only possible, I think, because I really hit a fucking breaking point. I mean, the irony is I was able to take that week spontaneously because I'm such a fucking control freak and because I'm such a perfectionist and because I overwork myself so much. I was able to take that week because I am always ahead, ironically.

26:02But that week of relaxation, true relaxation, I genuinely believe changed my life. And maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I'll go back to my old ways in like six months. Who fucking knows? But I'm not afraid of resting anymore. I feel so transformed from that week. Like I can't forget that. Like I know I now have experienced the value of true rest. And so I'm going to allow myself I'm not going to feel guilty about rest anymore because I think I've been shown how truly valuable it is Now, what's the point of this whole episode? It's not actually to share with you all the value of rest. It's not that The point of this episode is is not for me to say hey, look what I did to help me feel rested like Here's how you can feel rested too.

26:57It's not even really about the rest I don't think. I think why I wanted to make this episode is because I felt really bad about the fact that I knew how to effectively rest, but I couldn't figure out how to do it myself. I had so much guilt and shame around that. But what I ultimately had to do was, for whatever reason, it was part of my journey that I needed to get to a low enough point where this would happen. I think the learning lesson for me in all of this has been sometimes you need to crash and fucking burn in order to bloom. I'm so grateful that I hit that breaking point because without it, I don't think I would have had that week of truly effective rest.

27:47I don't know that I've ever effectively rested before that week. I'm not kidding. Sometimes you have to burn to bloom. There are certain trees that, in order to grow, have to catch on fire. Are you familiar with this concept? Like there are certain trees and certain plants that disperse their seeds only if they're caught on fire. And sometimes we as human beings are no different. Sometimes we have to catch on fire to then be able to bloom. I think the takeaway, at least for me in that, is there are times when against our better judgment, we'll do things that we know are harmful and yet we cannot do anything else.

28:32Does that make sense? We cannot do the right thing. I knew I needed to rest. I knew I needed to like spend my holiday break reading books and staring at the ceiling and going on walks. I knew I needed to do that. But for some reason, I could not do it. It felt impossible for me. And I felt so bad about it. But I was like, you know what? I don't have a choice. For whatever reason, this is what I have to do right now. I have to watch YouTube shorts in every free moment. I need to watch YouTube shorts of people eating the McDonald's Grinch meal, shaking up the bag of French fries with the dill pickle seasoning on it.

29:12I needed to watch some girl who lives in miami florida's morning routine. I needed to watch that I needed to watch a doctor a cosmetic surgeon tell me What plastic surgery they think certain celebrities have had done? I needed to watch all of this I needed to rot my fucking brain and I needed to feel immense guilt about it because all of that Got me to a point that was so bad That then something had to change and without even having to try My soul just started craving what I needed, but I had to get to my breaking point first. And I just think that that's a part of growth for us. I don't know.