is it time to move on? advice session

0:00Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything, and I mean anything, you want advice on. And then I give you my unprofessional advice. And today's topic is one that we know and we love, relationships. But more specifically, when it's time to move on from a relationship, which is an incredibly challenging dilemma because it's really hard to think clearly in a relationship. when you're in love or you think you're in love it's really hard to think straight at least that's been my experience like it's actually mortifying to me when I look back at all of my past relationships how much shit I let slide because I was in love or I thought I was in love and I made excuses for them and I had made up my mind that

0:52Emma Chamberlain:this was my soulmate and I wasn't going to give up and so you know I would almost turn a blind eye to stuff that they were doing that was terrible. Like, it's so hard to honestly analyze a relationship when you're in it. It's so challenging. But today I'm going to be giving advice on it. Even though I can't say for sure it's something that I won't do again, but I'd like to believe that I'm a realist in relationships now. Like I've gone into enough relationships being like, this is my soulmate. They can do no wrong. We're getting married. I can't wait for our wedding. I'm going to wear a beautiful dress, long sleeve, but kind of off the shoulder.

1:33Emma Chamberlain:It's going to have no sparkles because I don't like that stuff. Maybe a little bit of lace. I'm gonna have a super long veil. Maybe we'll get married in like, in like Cape Cod or something, or maybe like, maybe something local, like California vibes. Like I've done that enough. And then because I've become so dedicated to the idea of like, this is my person that then I've made excuses for them throughout the entire relationship. And then at the end, become mortified that I did that. I've done that enough times now in my life that I really am crossing my fingers that it's not going to happen again.

2:05But I can't make any promises. But I'm going to give advice on it anyway. And I'm going to be listening to myself while I give this advice. because sometimes I need to hear my own advice. Anywho, let's dig in, shall we? I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Walmart. Summer's back, baby, which means a whole new wardrobe. Thankfully, you can find trends that speak to you for less at Walmart. You know, for me, summer is about simplicity and comfort because warm weather is pleasant, but only if you dress properly for it. So I'm trying to wear breathable but cute clothing all summer long.

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3:37But when it comes to something like this, I don't think regret is necessary or healthy. That's my opinion. Because you can't change it. You can't go back in time and not be with this person. It happened. And you can't rewrite history. So it's healthier to just accept that that is the past. It happened. You can't go back. and look at it fondly. Remember it fondly instead. There's a reason why you chose to be with your partner all throughout college. Like if in the moment it was miserable and you hated it, chances are you would have ended it and you didn't. And, you know, it doesn't sound like your partner treated you badly.

4:20You know, I feel like that would have been mentioned if that was the case. It sounds like you're more worried about missing out on dating casually, hooking up with people. It doesn't sound like your partner is a bad partner. It sounds like you're actually still with this person. Here's what I have to say to that. The feeling of, oh, what if I missed out? Number one, the grass is always greener. Okay. Not having a partner in college, hooking up with people randomly, dating casually, not being sort of tied down, if you will, in a relationship is probably a fun experience too. If you had done that, there's a chance that that would have been enjoyable.

4:58But I don't think one would be more enjoyable than the other, just different. And again, like the grass is always greener, right? There are people who spent their entire college experience doing the opposite of what you did, you know, hooking up with people, dating casually, who perhaps regret not dating somebody that they had feelings for because they wanted to be free and hook up with people and whatever. Like, there's somebody out there wishing they had the experience that you had. The grass is always greener. And again, you can't change it. So it's better to just accept it as the past and focus on right now.

5:40Focus on what's going on right now. But you're still faced with a dilemma, right? Once you let go of that feeling of regret and what could have been, you're still faced with the dilemma of what to do right now. Because if you're feeling like, oh, I think I might've missed out. Like, I really want to know what it feels like to date casually. And, you know, if you're yearning for that, I think part of that is normal in a relationship every once in a while to be like, ooh, what would it be like to be single again? Like, I think that's a universal experience. And I think that's often a phase that people go through in relationships.

6:14But if that's overwhelming to you and you're like, I don't know that I want to be with this person for the rest of my life. I think it's more important to me that I go out there and I explore. That's okay too, you know? And it's not too late to be single and to enjoy that experience. You can do that at any point in your life. Just because college is over doesn't mean that you can't go do that now. That's a limiting belief that's false. Like, yeah, you can't go back in time and go to college and do it again, but you have your whole life ahead of you. But I also think another thing to consider is why do you feel like you missed out?

6:55Do you feel like you missed out because you didn't have the same college experience as your friends? Do you feel like you missed out because societally people sort of romanticize the experience of being single and dating around in college? Like, where is this thought coming from? Is this thought coming from you genuinely feeling like, oh, I think I missed out? Or is it coming from the outside? because if it's coming from the outside, it might be helpful to look inward instead and figure out how you feel about it. But if it's something that is coming from the inside, it's coming from you, then I think it's something to take more seriously and figure out what your next step is, which is tough, you know what I mean?

7:38But I think the guiding light when it comes to making that decision should be, what is going to bring me more fulfillment in my life? is it continuing to build this relationship with this person so that ultimately one day we can have a family or one day we can move to New York City together or whatever your dreams are for this relationship or would it be more fulfilling for you to have an experience in you know your young adulthood where you're single and you can hook up with whoever you want and you date around and you see what's out there only you can figure that out but you just have to make sure that these feelings and these doubts and these concerns are coming from you and are not coming from any outside sources because it can be very easy to make the wrong decision if you're not listening to yourself, if you're, you know, if you're being influenced by other people.

8:33Because at the end of the day, we have to live life for us. And I've had moments in my life where I felt like, oh, did I miss out on being single and being sort of promiscuous? I don't know if that's the right word. I mean, I guess promiscuous. Did I miss out on, you know, dating casually and hooking up with people when I was younger? Because I've been in relationships pretty consistently since I started dating at like age 17. Like, what did I miss out on? I've had feelings like that. But whenever I look inward, I realize, honestly, I don't think those doubts are coming from me. I think those doubts are coming from society and people around me.

9:14I made the decisions I made because that's what felt right. And that's what felt me, you know. And those were the decisions that felt like they were the most fulfilling in the moment. And when I have dated casually and been single and like, you know, just hooked up with random people, I haven't liked that. You know, I haven't enjoyed that experience. So I wish you luck. Somebody said, how do I know if I should just take time apart from someone or break up for good? Is it ever okay to just take a break without fully breaking up? Or is that toxic? Okay, well, I have my own personal opinion on this.

9:56However, I don't necessarily think everybody needs to abide by my opinion. Does that make sense? Like, this is my opinion. This is my sort of philosophy and my sort of boundary in my own personal life when I'm dating people. But I don't necessarily think it's the right answer for everyone. It's more catered to me as an individual. I personally am an all or nothing girl. Like you're either dating me and we are together and we're going to figure it the fuck out together or we are broken up and that's it. No halfsies. No like, oh, we're going to go on a break for a month and like we're not really dating.

10:32Like we can see other people, but then at the end of the month, we'll get back together and we'll be back together. No, I'm sorry. Fuck that. I can't do that psychologically. That is too messy for me because if I find out that on that break, my partner or ex-partner for the moment, like hooked up with somebody, uh-uh, too messy for me. My thing is, if you want to go get with somebody else or you don't want to be around me for like a few months, why are we together? Like the whole point of a relationship is it's a partnership. We're going to get through this shit together. You can fully take a break while in a relationship.

11:10It is very healthy. to take time apart while dating. If it's possible for one member of the relationship to like go on a trip for two weeks and the other stay home because, you know, you two need space, but there's an agreement, a mutual agreement, like we're still dating, we're still together, we're going to figure this out, but we just need space. That's so healthy. There's nothing wrong with that. And in a lot of ways, that is a break. But I feel like the break that we all know is like, oh, you know, we're not dating right now. We're taking a break from dating for like

11:46Emma Chamberlain:one month or for, you know, two months and then we'll get back together at the end. But while we're on the break, we're not really dating anymore. What is that? Listen, I really don't believe in it. I think it's fucking messy. And I think you're better off just breaking up, it's clear that one of you or both of you can't fully commit to what a monogamous relationship is, which is committing to one another through thick and thin. Relationships are so fucking challenging, especially the deeper that they are, the more vulnerable that they are, the more meaningful that they are, the more challenging that they are, you know?

12:25And that's what makes them potentially so rewarding, but they're rewarding if you get through the tough times together, you figure out a solution together under the roof of your relationship. Does that make sense? But if somebody is like, oh, I think I just need a month off. It's like, that's not how it works. That sort of, in my opinion, I think that that is like having your cake and eating it too. Like you get to have the security of like, oh, this person is waiting for me, but I get to go like hook up with other people. That erases what makes relationships, monogamous relationships in particular, so powerful.

13:03They're so powerful because it's a partnership where you're committed to one another and that's challenging. That's a challenging thing to do. But through the challenge and through overcoming the challenge together, you become closer as a result, thus forming a very special relationship and bond that can be really wonderful and fulfilling for people. And an ongoing growth experience for both members involved. But if you take a break and you get to like kind of cheat for a little bit, it just doesn't feel right to me. And so I think it's all or nothing. However, if you can have a conversation with your partner and you both come to the conclusion that you both are comfortable 100 % with going on a break where you both can do whatever you want and both of you feel okay with that, who am I to judge?

13:51you know what I mean? But I would argue most people would have a really hard time with this. And it's usually one person in the relationship who can't fully commit. And then the other person who's like, I love you so much, I'll do anything for you. And they're settling and they're allowing bad behavior just to end up breaking up a few months later when you try to rekindle, but then somebody, you know, the one who's struggling to commit ended up hooking up with somebody. And then the one who's super loyal obviously didn't. And then they get heartbroken. it's messy. I say no to the break. But again, if you can figure out a way to do it, I mean, don't let me stop you.

14:31Somebody said, I've been in a relationship for four years and I'm kind of bored. How can I know if it's just a phase? Is this normal? I have good news and bad news. In my opinion, this is just a phase. This is the reality of a long-term relationship. and it makes sense, right? Like it makes logical sense. The beginning of a relationship is really exciting and really exhilarating because you have so much to discover about the other person. You don't know what their genitals look like and then you find out one day and it's like, oh my God, that's so exciting. Like you finally get to see like taint and it's like, oh my God, I can't believe I got to see that.

15:11And then the next day you find out about a new little cute freckle that's on the back of their neck that you've never seen before. And then the next day you see what it's like when they cry. And then the next day, they open up to you about something vulnerable. And then the next day, you figure out their sense of humor. And then the next day, do you see what I'm saying? It's like the beginning of a relationship is so exciting because you're constantly discovering something new. But at a certain point in a relationship, you've seen a lot. I don't think you've ever fully seen everything. I think there's always more to discover about another person because you're not in the other person's brain.

15:45And therefore, you'll never truly know what it's like to be them. You'll never truly know what goes on inside of their brain. There's always more to discover. But the exciting discoveries, or even really just the discoveries at all, they're less frequent, they're less often. You know, you get to a point where you're so familiar with your partner that it's like, yeah, it's not exciting. It's not exhilarating.

16:08Emma Chamberlain:But you know what it is? It's comfortable. it's familiar and a lot of times it's really healthy like it might not be exciting and exhilarating it might not be super hot and sexy and like oh my god I'm like seeing their body in a new like I've only seen their body a few times now I get to see it again and it's still exciting like naturally all of this is going to wear off but when that all wears off you're left with something potentially really wonderful just in a new way. And the truth is, is that I think a lot of people throw away beautiful, healthy relationships because they're like, wait, where did all the excitement go?

16:53Like, where did all of the hot, steamy romance go? And they throw away a really healthy, beautiful partnership because they want that excitement of the beginning of a relationship, but that will never exist forever. You know what I'm saying? Unless there's a weird power imbalance, which is unhealthy. Like excitement can continue if you're dating somebody who's super avoidant, who you feel like you have to win over every day. But who wants that? That's a toxic existence. I've done it. It's not fun. In my opinion, this is only a serious issue if you feel that the boredom is rooted in a lack of depth in connection, thus leading to neither of

17:35Emma Chamberlain:you growing or having riveting conversation or, I don't know, really like connecting on anything meaningful. If that's why you're bored, because your relationship is surface level and you're not kind of nudging each other to grow and be better and think differently, then yeah, that might be a problem, you know, and that can happen. Like there is a chance that you're feeling this way, not because it's normal, but because you don't have a deep connection with your partner. You've been able to sort of skate by maybe by having similar hobbies or, you know, maybe having like a really extreme sexual chemistry, but your relationship is actually not really rooted in any sort of meaningful, deep connection.

18:23I think the questions to ask yourself is, do you know your partner? Do you feel like you know your partner like the back of your hand?

18:29Emma Chamberlain:Is there anything that you're curious about? Like, are you like, oh, I actually don't really. It's shocking. You can find yourself four years into a relationship and realize I don't really know that much about this person. And that has happened to me where I've woken up one day in a relationship and been like, we don't even know each other that well. Like maybe we have the same sense of humor. So maybe we laugh together, this or that, but like, we actually don't know each other. And if that's the case, and that's why you're bored. I mean, either you make a plan to figure out how to have a deep connection with that person, or maybe that's the end of it.

19:05And maybe it isn't just

19:06Emma Chamberlain:a phase and you're actually catching on to something that's a real problem in the relationship. But I think more often than not, what you're experiencing is genuinely just a phase. And I do think that there are ways to spice it up. Like, listen, if you want to spice it up, maybe plan a monthly date night. Maybe plan a trip together. Maybe plan a new like hobby that you guys can try together. Maybe buy like lingerie. Listen, you'll never catch me buying lingerie as much as maybe people wish I would. Okay. But I like, that's to me cringe, which is actually something I should probably talk to a therapist about the fact that I feel like the thought of me and lingerie is cringe.

19:42Emma Chamberlain:Genuinely, there's something wrong probably there. Again, I should probably talk to a therapist about that. But, you know, buy a fucking sexy Santa costume. Buy a sexy nurse costume. Fuck it. Do nurse role play. You know what I'm saying? You get what I'm saying here. Like, make an effort to spice it up if you feel inspired. If you don't, it's probably just a phase that will pass. But I really do encourage you and people in long-term healthy relationships to find the beauty in the peace of a long-term relationship. there's so much value there and it is a bit harder to it's less exciting it's less obvious it's sort of a beauty that whispers for your attention rather than screams for your attention like in the beginning of a relationship it's so exciting it's screaming for your attention but the longer that you're together the beauty is much more subtle you know but it's also much more real and it's something that can actually last.

20:40Emma Chamberlain:Nothing that's that loud can last. I don't think it's too, do you know what I mean? Enjoy the peace and the freedom that comes with a long-term relationship. When you're loved by somebody and you have a beautiful partnership and that's something that is a priority for you in your life, that can give you so much freedom to go and focus on your career, to go and, you know, focus on hobbies, to go like do this or that. And you have this person waiting for you at the end of the day at home who loves you and supports you. And you don't have to be playing the dating game anymore if being in a relationship is something that you care about.

21:14Emma Chamberlain:And that's a priority for you in your life, which again, isn't for everyone, but it sounds like it is for you because you've been in one for four years. There's so much freedom. You get to almost return to your life when you're in a healthy relationship because dating is like a full-time hobby. It's exciting, but it takes up a lot of time and energy and it can get in the way of other things, which is okay for a period of time in life. But at a certain point, I think a lot of us want to go back to our lives, you know, get back to work, work on our hobbies, hang out with our fucking family. I don't know, but there's something beautiful about the freedom that you can have in a long-term healthy and perhaps boring at times relationship.

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22:36What do I do? This is, you know, kind of a similar dilemma to the last one, but a little bit different. After five years, I think it's appropriate to sit your partner down and be like, hey, what are we doing? Like, do we have the same ideas for the future? You know, do we have the same goals for the future? do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Do you want to move to Los Angeles? Do you want to move to Texas? Do you want to move to France? Do you want to have three kids? Do you want to have one? Do you want to have zero? Do you want to break up? Like, what do you want to do? Because if you're somebody who, you know, has a certain sort of set of goals for your future, when it comes to your family, if you want to have kids, if you don't want to have kids,

23:21Emma Chamberlain:If you want to move here, if you want to open a coffee shop, like after five years, it's more than appropriate to figure out if you're on the same page. In fact, I think it's appropriate to do that even sooner. You know, I think after a year or two, it's appropriate. Don't sit around and guess what your partner's thinking. Sit them down and ask. And the truth is, if you don't feel comfortable sitting them down and asking, chances are they're not the one for you. You don't have a healthy relationship with an open dialogue with each other. If you can't sit your partner down and ask, are we on the same fucking page?

23:55Emma Chamberlain:Red flag major. You're not comfortable with each other. You haven't built a true partnership yet. Not saying you couldn't, but that's an issue in itself. If you're sitting around wondering things after five years, that to me is actually a red flag. Because again, after five years, it's like, you shouldn't have any questions about your partner. You should know them really well. You've had a lot of time. So if you still have questions, there's a chance it's because you're not fully comfortable with each other. You're not fully being vulnerable with each other. You're not fully open with each other.

24:30Emma Chamberlain:You're in each other's lives, but you're not truly committed to a partnership. Because committing to a partnership is, it's a whole thing. You know what I mean? Like in order to truly get the most out of a romantic relationship, you have to be sexually vulnerable. You have to be emotionally vulnerable. You have to be honest. You have to be truthful. You have to be kind. There's so much to it to make it truly a partnership where both members are growing and it's actually a beneficial thing for everyone involved, you know? And if you can't sit your partner down and have this conversation, then that's clearly not happening.

25:10so that needs to be figured out first but there's a chance that you might sit your partner down and