relationships change us

0:00Emma Chamberlain:When I was younger, I wasn't very thoughtful or intentional about who I shared relationships with. I think because I didn't have a firm grasp on why we even have relationships as human beings. When I would reflect on my relationships, I'd simply ask myself, are we having fun together? Are they hot? Do I like when we kiss? You know, like that was it. Whereas now I'm starting to develop a firmer grasp on what the point of relationships are. Relationships at their best are incredible catalysts for growth for both people involved. That's kind of the whole point. And if that's not happening, it's kind of a waste of time and energy.

0:48And I know what you're thinking, Emma, that sounds harsh.

0:50Emma Chamberlain:it's actually not because growth doesn't always need to be this obvious loud apparent thing we think of obvious growth and we think of a relationship where on a daily basis you know you're confronting one another and saying hey you did this wrong and you need to be better and then the next day you're saying to the person you're in a relationship hey you you need you did this wrong and you need to be better. That's like the loud, obvious sort of growth relationship, I guess. Growth in relationships can be incredibly subtle and still be really beautiful and impactful. Even just adopting a healthy habit that someone that you're in a relationship with has can be an example of growth in a relationship.

1:38Emma Chamberlain:If there's none of that happening, I don't think it's a good relationship. I mean, there are people in our lives who are sort of in the peripheral who don't really help us grow and we don't really help them grow, but that's fine because that's not someone in your circle. I'm talking about the relationships that are at the core of your life, that build your social foundation. Those relationships should be rooted in growth. At least I think. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Walmart. Summer's back, baby, which means a whole new wardrobe.

2:16Emma Chamberlain:Thankfully, you can find trends that speak to you for less at Walmart. You know, for me, summer is about simplicity and comfort because warm weather is pleasant, but only if you dress properly for it. So I'm trying to wear breathable but cute clothing all summer long. From casual hangs to vacation, Walmart's the place to find all your summer pieces. Think chic eyelet styles, breezy dresses, it girl shoes, vibrant colors, and more. Shop the hottest summer trends and new drops at walmart.com slash trends. That's walmart.com slash trends. Now back to the episode. I know that a lot of us want to be responsible for our own growth.

3:02We don't want to rely on other people, but we are social animals.

3:06Emma Chamberlain:We inevitably are going to have relationships with other people. And those relationships are going to alter who we are as people. They should be pushing us to be better versions of ourselves and vice versa. I'm talking about all relationships. There are so many different ways that all types of relationships can be catalysts for growth. When you're in a relationship where there's mutual admiration, both of your positive habits and traits are going to start to slowly but surely rub off on each other. When you see your friend treat everyone with overwhelming kindness, you're going to want to start to do that too.

3:44Emma Chamberlain:When you see your friend doing that, it's easy to just hop on the bandwagon and start doing it with them. That feels much more comfortable than being somebody who maybe is a bit more cold, a bit more closed off, and then all of a sudden one day wake up and start being really nice to everyone. That can feel kind of weird and forced and oddly vulnerable. If your friend is doing it too, it makes it feel safer. So not only does it inspire you to try, but also now you have someone to do it with. Another example, if you're dating somebody who wakes up early and is super productive, like somebody who just gets their shit done, there's a good chance that that'll start to rub off on you.

4:22Emma Chamberlain:I think the quote, you are who you surround yourself with is a bit overused to the point where a lot of us hear it and are like, shut up, shut the fuck up. Like who cares? But it is true. It's truer than we, than we realize. I don't know. There's been times in my life where I've had close relationships with people who I didn't necessarily admire. And in retrospect, I think that without me even realizing it, some of their more negative traits rubbed off on me, even though I was kind of aware and in touch with the fact that I didn't really admire them. I thought, well, that's their life and those are their habits and those are their traits.

5:06Emma Chamberlain:Like that's not my problem. Um, but it actually did become my problem without me even realizing it. A lot of it's subtle. We are who we surround ourselves with. So you want to surround yourself with people who you admire because then you'll become a little bit more like them. And that's an incredible way to grow. Relationships can also be a catalyst for growth through confrontation. If you're in a healthy relationship with somebody, they should be able to call you out on your bullshit and vice versa. But in order to be called out on your bullshit, the person you're in a relationship with has to number one, feel comfortable enough with you to bring it up.

5:43Emma Chamberlain:But number two, respect you and the relationship enough to put themselves in an uncomfortable position where they can confront you. And again, vice versa, the same thing goes for you in the relationship. There's nothing wrong with being confronted on your shortcomings. Like that is so important for personal growth because we do a lot of checks on ourselves all the time, or at least we ideally should be. But there are things that we miss. There are certain areas that maybe we don't understand as much that somebody we're in a relationship understands more and can say, this is what you're doing wrong.

6:21Emma Chamberlain:This is why it's wrong. And this is how you can fix it. I think relationships can also help with growth because being in healthy relationships gives you a sense of foundation in your life. It gives you a sense of community, comfort. And when you have that sort of foundation in your life, it's easier to grow because growing as a person is an incredibly vulnerable, raw sort of experience. And I think if you don't have foundation in your life, if you don't have a sense of community, if you don't have a sense of safety, it makes it harder to grow. I'll give an example of this. There have been so many times in my life where my relationship with my parents has allowed me to grow instead of remaining stagnant during a challenging moment in my life.

7:20Emma Chamberlain:When I was going through some of my first few really challenging breakups, something that I struggled with so viscerally was wanting to go back to my ex, even though they were really bad for me. And I was faced in those moments with a choice. I'm either going to grow through this experience by not going back to them and by instead remaining strong, dealing with the grief and just moving forward to greener pastures, or I could remain stagnant and go back to them and start the whole negative cycle over again with that person. Because of my relationship with my parents and because they were there to support me and talk me through it and because I felt love from them, I was able to grow through that experience instead of remaining stagnant and going back to my exes.

8:15Emma Chamberlain:Do you see what I'm saying? It's just so much easier to handle challenges and make the right decisions that are growth decisions when you have a support system around you. It's not necessarily relationships are always directly forcing you to grow, but sometimes just the presence of healthy relationships can help you grow in other areas outside of the relationships themselves, if that makes sense. I also think too, conflict in relationships can cause growth, like a stronger bond between the two of you, but also just growth in general. conflict really tests everyone involved you know ego gets involved there's rage and anger at times which you have the option to lean into or not and that's really challenging sometimes you have to admit you're wrong sometimes you have to be honest and confront in a way that's super uncomfortable for you.

9:13Emma Chamberlain:Like conflict is an incredible opportunity to grow. I'm not even somebody who I feel like is particularly competitive or egotistical when it comes to argument. Like, don't get me wrong. I have my own, like my ego comes out sometimes in certain areas. I can be a, I have narcissistic traits probably sometimes, you know, definitely sometimes I'm human, but I'm not particularly egotistical or narcissistic in argument. Like I am the first one to admit wrongdoing. If somebody sits me down and says, Emma, you did this wrong. I am. I am there to listen. And I'm there to say, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Thank you for telling me.

9:55Emma Chamberlain:I heard you. I'm always grateful when somebody confronts me and tells me I'm doing something wrong. But even I sometimes someone who I consider to be genuinely good at handling confrontation and criticism and things like that, even I sometimes in an argument will find myself wanting to stoop to a level below my own moral compass, if you will. That doesn't really make any sense, but maybe it did. I want to stoop low. I don't know. Sometimes maybe a little piece of my ego gets bruised or like I'm frustrated with the with the way that the other person's communicating and something will get triggered in me.

10:30Emma Chamberlain:And even I will get tempted to not handle things admirably. But within the safety of a relationship, you can have those conflicts. And if everybody handles things in a way that is morally sound, you can come out the other end, both stronger, better people who are better at handling complexities between human beings and the relationship is closer. It is ultimately a net positive. It can be a net positive. In the moment, it sucks, you know, but there is potential for it to be wonderful. I also think too that our relationships can be a mirror. I remember someone telling me that perhaps it was my dad when I was younger, but I remember hearing this sort of concept of like the people you're in relationships with are like a mirror.

11:21Emma Chamberlain:It didn't really click with me until I started being more critical of the relationships in my life. And I started choosing higher quality relationships to dedicate my time to where I really realized how true this is, when you spend time with somebody you truly respect, you start to see yourself through their eyes. And if you respect and admire them, it will truly make you want to be better. If you look at the way that they look at the world and think like, wow, you know, that's such a different perspective from mine, but such a beautiful perspective. And then you proceed to perceive yourself. You naturally will then wonder, like, how do they see me?

12:02Emma Chamberlain:It's just sort of like a natural thought that crosses your mind, you might end up seeing your own shortcomings just from using them as sort of a mirror. They don't even have to confront you. They don't even have to, they might not even notice these shortcomings, but using them as a mirror, you're able to discover those things. I remember the first time I felt this way. It was in a romantic relationship. I remember like almost having like a meltdown, like on my own, like crying and sobbing because I was like perceiving myself through my new partner's eyes just naturally because I had been spending, you know, a lot of time with them because we just started dating or whatever.

12:41Emma Chamberlain:And I truly saw myself in a different light. And that meant seeing some beautiful things about myself that the person I was dating seemed to really like about me. And that was sort of an emotional experience. But then also becoming aware of certain shortcomings that I had never even remotely been aware of before. It's a very interesting thing that happens very naturally in healthy relationships that can absolutely inspire growth. And last but not least, I think relationships expose you to thoughts and ideas that you never would have had organically, expanding your mind and your perspective in a way.

13:17Emma Chamberlain:We've all had such different experiences. We've all seen such different things. We've all been wired in such unique, different ways that when we come together and share our perspectives, we're able to widen each other's perspective through just talking. It's a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. And it's a wonderful way to grow. Now, it would be very idyllic if this is how all relationships worked. Two people come together and they hang out a lot and then everyone's growing and it's so awesome. Like, oh my God, everyone's growing. This is so awesome. But unfortunately, or maybe not unfortunately, but more realistically, relationships are deeply complex and a good portion of the time are not wonderful, seamless catalysts for growth.

14:10Emma Chamberlain:It's much more complicated and much more clunky than that. Like, yes, all of the things that I just mentioned can potentially happen in relationships, but it's not guaranteed. You also might have certain areas where you grow in a relationship and then other areas that are kind of toxic. Like every single relationship has its own complexity. And so as much as relationships are wonderful catalysts for growth, they also might not be. In my experience, in order for relationships to be at their maximum level of health, where growth is seamless, I'd say everyone involved in the relationship needs to have, number one, a decent sense of self-esteem.

14:52Number two, a decent sense of independence or more so a lack of codependence on the other person. Decent coping skills in life, a feeling of fulfillment in their lives or a sense of working towards fulfillment. And lastly, but maybe there's more that I just can't think of, a somewhat clear set of morals, values, priorities, purpose, and goals. So all you need in order for there to be a seamless growth experience with everybody in a relationship is just all of those things that are really, really challenging to accomplish or to have. We're all constantly working towards having a sense of all of those things, and it's an ongoing journey.

15:30So naturally, relationships are going to be much more complicated because

15:34Emma Chamberlain:the sort of perfect relationship, it rarely exists. Now, what I've discovered is that when growth isn't happening, there's usually something that comes in to replace it. Okay. Growth is positive change. Okay. Because growth is becoming the person that you always could be. Like I think of growth as becoming a better version of yourself, but it's in you. You're not changing into somebody else. You're, you're growing into a better version of yourself. That's what I think growth is. Whereas change to me is becoming someone that you're not or becoming a worse version of yourself that doesn't need to exist.

16:22Emma Chamberlain:You know what I'm saying? Like it's, it's negative, negative change. I mean, I guess you could argue that you could sort of regress into a worse version of yourself, and that's not necessarily change because that's still in you. If you're not growing in relationships, there's a really decent chance that you're regressing. Now, how does regression happen in relationships? Well, just as quickly as you can pick up people's positive traits and habits, you can also pick up their negative traits and habits. Like an example would be if your friend gossips a lot, much more than you. And at first you're like, ah, it's fine.

17:02Like I don't really admire how much my friend gossips. Like it's a little bit too much for my comfort level, but you know what? That's them. And you know, we have fun together when we go out and we, you know, party on the weekends. So I'm just going to let it slide. Next thing you know, two years into the friendship, you're gossiping just as much as they are. Another example, let's say you're dating somebody who's prone to laziness, gets up late, doesn't get their work done on time, doesn't move their body, like doesn't go for a walk ever, you know, sits around a lot. That doesn't make anyone feel good physically.

17:35You might first, you know, start dating this person and think like, oh, you know what? I'm a pretty productive person.

17:42Emma Chamberlain:You know, I have my routine of what makes me feel good. And so, you know, I think I can accept this and we'll be we'll be fine. You know what I mean? Well, if your significant other doesn't rise to the occasion and match your routine, there's a decent chance that you're going to start matching theirs. And next thing you know, you've developed that bad habit. And there are also a lot of instances where the person that you're in a relationship with, again, platonic or romantic, all of this is platonic or romantic, they will convince you that what they're doing is right and that you should do it too.

18:12Like, for example, with the friend who gossips a lot example, your friend might say, gossiping is healthy. Like, I'm just analyzing people. By the way, I've literally said that because I'm somebody who loves a little bit of gossip here and there. Trying to be better about it and not do it in a way that's like I try to keep it Not appropriate but like I try to keep it morally sound But I definitely am like prone to gossip Okay and I have to like keep an eye on it Because I can be a real gossiper And I think that's something that we could all Infer by the fact that I have a podcast Where I talk into a microphone

18:46Emma Chamberlain:For hours and hours by myself Every week It's like of course I like to gossip You know what I mean I just like to talk I think that's really what it is anyway like if you have a friend who gossips more than you're comfortable with they might say to you gossiping is harmless like we're not saying anything to anyone's face we're analyzing people like there's nothing wrong with that convincing you to go against your moral compass and gossip more than you're comfortable with or if you're dating somebody who's prone to laziness they might say like wait like babe i know it's like sunday afternoon and you want to go for a hike or bake something and you want to do all these fun things, but like, let's just watch this TV show all day.

19:27If that's not something that you like to do, it's not going to make you feel good to do it.

19:30Emma Chamberlain:But if they're convincing you, come on, like, come on. No, this is fun. Like it's the weekend. They might not have evil motives, but slowly but surely you're picking up on their potentially negative traits and habits. And it can happen just as quick as you can pick up the positive ones. Now this next cause for regression is one of the trickiest to spot. There can be moments in a relationship where confrontation occurs, okay? And one another's shortcomings might become weaponized if the confronter is struggling on a personal level. Like, I think we all like to assume that if somebody's confronting us about something, it's because it's genuinely an issue.

20:13Emma Chamberlain:You know what I mean? But depending on what type of place the confronter is in in their life, confrontation might not always be accurate. And that's tricky. It can be really challenging at times to determine if this person is confronting me because they genuinely want to help me or if they want to hurt my feelings. If they're feeling really insecure and something's bothering them that's sort of irrational. The list goes on. Let me give you some examples. Okay, let's say your friend confronts you and says that your bubbly outgoingness in large groups feels ingenuine and fake because when you guys hang out one-on-one you're much more chill and calm your friend might confront you about this and say this feels ingenuine and it rubs me the wrong way it feels off to me and and I don't like it okay your friend might confront you in fact I I've never been confronted about this by a friend but I have actually been confronted about this by a significant other in the past.

21:12They were like, you change when you're in a big group of people. Like you're really outgoing and bubbly. And when we're alone, like you're just like chill. So it's like, what, why are you like turning on for a group of people? It was really confusing to me because I was like, okay, am I being fake? And when I reflected inward, I was like, not really. Like, I think

21:32Emma Chamberlain:I'm really bubbly and outgoing with people in big groups because I don't know, there's something about being in a big group that's exciting. And there's also something about being around people that maybe I'm less close to where, I don't know, maybe I do turn on a little bit, but it's not in a way that's ingenuine. It's just, it's very organic and automatic. It's just, I don't know, you behave differently in a large group of people that you're not super close with versus with your significant other. Like with your significant other, you have a sense of familiarity and perhaps there's less to talk about.

22:02There's less to be excited about because you see each other all the time. In the case of that particular relationship, when I was confronted about this, the person I was dating was a very chill, quiet person. It's like, I don't know how to be bubbly and outgoing with you because you're quiet. And in the moment, I genuinely psyched myself out so bad socially that it made me sort of shut down, which was weird because I'm somebody who's very outgoing. My partner's comment made me shut down a little bit, thus regressing me as a person overall. In retrospect, it's very clear to me that the reason why my partner said this to me was because my partner was particularly self-conscious about their social skills.

22:44And my social skills being a bit more advanced made them feel bad. So they were confronting me on this, not because it was actually a real issue, but because they were struggling with that. But let me give another example to really paint this picture for you. Let's say your significant other confronts you and says that you hang out with your friends too much and it's immature and unfair to everyone else in your life. This might be a fair complaint if you genuinely do hang out with your friends too much and you don't split your time responsibly with everyone in your life. But there's also a chance that you do actually have a really good balance and that this complaint is not rooted in reality, but rather rooted in your significant others.

23:31Again, insecurity about the relationship, insecurity in themselves and the fact that maybe they don't have as many friends as you like. There might be a bit of jealousy there. Again, it could be rooted in nothing in particular, just your significant other being unhappy and just wanting to confront you and sort of hurt your feelings for the sake of hurting your feelings. Who knows? You might make a correction in your life that is unnecessary and thus becomes harmful. In the case of the bubbly outgoing personality example, when that happened to me, I then went into my shell a little bit. Every single time I was in a social situation, I was overthinking every single move.

24:10And not only did that make me miserable, but it also made me less fun to be around. And in the example of if, you know, your significant other says, you hang out with your friends too much, but you actually don't, you might start hanging out with your friends less damaging those relationships unnecessarily. It's worth the analysis. It's worth paying attention to.