telling myself what i need to hear

0:00Hey, you know, I'll be honest with you all. I'm struggling a little bit right now. If you were to open the door of my brain and walk inside, you would see disarray. Not chaos, but disarray. It's messy in there. It's not a pleasant place. Is it a horrible place? No. No, it's not a horrible place. But it's slightly off kilter. It's a little bit uncomfortable. I'm struggling a little bit. This happens. This is normal. you know it's inevitable every time you get through a rough patch it's just a matter of time before the next one begins and that's not necessarily a bad thing because challenging times encourage growth and self-reflection and many good things and so I'm not particularly upset that my brain is in disarray because I know that I'm supposed to be feeling this way for some reason.

0:58I know there's a reason for it. And also, I'm just grateful that there isn't like one big thing bothering me. And instead, it's like 15 more minor things that are just swirling around in my head like a tornado in a way that makes them hard to address. But none of them are really that bad. And that's a good thing. Like, that's a great thing. I'm grateful for that. I'd so much rather it be this than than one really big hard thing. Do you know? You know what I mean? It's like, this isn't that bad. But my brain is in disarray. And I have a lot of uncomfortable, confusing feelings and thoughts swirling around.

1:41And it's been very hard for me to get them under control because there's so many different little things bothering me all at once to the point where it's like, I don't even know how to sort out what's what. I don't even know how to address what's what. Like I, it's, it's such a mess in my brain that even though all of these things individually aren't that bad, the compound demon that it's built in my brain has become something bigger than the sum of its parts. You know, it's like, it's become this thing. And now I'm in a bad place because there's all these little things bothering me and it's all whatever.

2:18And they're not being addressed properly because I can't address each thing individually because they're all swirling around in my brain so quickly. Does that make sense? So I had this idea to help me handle this current state of mind that I'm in, which was to write everything down, all of the negative feelings that I'm feeling, all of the challenging feelings that I'm feeling, to write them all down and to go through one by one and write a quote or a mantra or a reminder to address that particular challenge so that for the remainder of this time that I'm dealing with all of these feelings, every time I'm like, I just can't handle it.

2:55I'm overwhelmed. It's rolling around in my head. I can go to this document and read what I need to hear. Do you see what I'm saying? And I really loved this idea. I don't think I invented it, but I came up with it in this moment because it's something I needed, but I don't think I invented it. But I love this idea so much that I was like, you know, maybe I share this. Maybe I share this with the internet. And so that's what I'm going to be doing today. Because not only do I think that this is a helpful thing to do when in a similar state of mind that I'm in right now, but also because if I need to hear these things, there's a chance that someone else out there might need to hear these things too.

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4:10Venmo stash terms and exclusions apply max$100 cash back per month. See terms at Venmo.me slash stash terms. Now back to the episode. It seems that I'm dealing with a lot of tiny little not tiny, but like a lot of common challenges just all at once. And again, none of them are like overwhelmingly painful to the point that it's like all consuming. They're all compounded together. But yeah, there's a chance that maybe you need to hear one of the things that I need to hear right now. And so that's what we're going to be doing today. I'm going to be going through all of my various challenging thoughts and then sharing with you the reminders that I wrote down for myself that truly helped me with these things.

5:01Because the thing is, when you have a bunch of challenging thoughts swirling around in the brain, and there may be more minor things that you've maybe dealt with before and maybe even know the anecdote for like, you know, how to manage those feelings. If you have a bunch of things going on at once, it's much harder to use what you know, and address the issue. Because you're also distracted, you're like trying to solve this thing over here, but then this thing over here. It's nice to sit down and lay it all out and address things one by one and look inward and write down what you know you need to remember.

5:41Because the thing is, I know the solution. Like I know the solution to these challenges. Like I know how to solve them. Does that make sense? I know what to remind myself of when I start spiraling about a particular thing. Because I have a tendency to do a little bit of spiraling. So I know what I need to remind myself. But when there's too many things going on at once, I just can't for some reason. And so without further ado, let's get into it. Starting out with the feeling that I'm not getting enough done. I've been really struggling with this lately, just feeling like I'm putting so much time and effort into my job, and yet I'm not producing enough.

6:31And this is something I've always struggled with. I think it also connects, relates to my imposter syndrome. You know, this feeling of I don't deserve what I have in my life. I don't deserve the career I have. I don't deserve the friends I have. I don't deserve the life I have. I've always struggled with imposter syndrome. And it can sometimes flare up if not being well tended to. And recently, I've just been feeling like I'm not doing enough. And the truth of the matter is, I am working as hard as I possibly can. I like, I really am. I'm not slacking at all. I'm not slacking at all. And that's the first thing I have to remind myself.

7:15I work every day, very hard with little distraction. What am I being so hard on myself about. I actually am getting things done. But see, that's not enough for me. Because to me, I'm always like, well, there could always be more. You could always get more done. And so that's actually not a helpful, like, I mean, I try to remind myself of what I've accomplished every day. You know, I try to remind myself what I've accomplished in the last week, the last month. And yeah, you know, sometimes that can help. But I honestly don't think these feelings actually are about how much work I'm getting done or not, I think it usually is a manifestation of some other feeling.

7:57Does that make sense? It's not really about how much work I'm getting done. It's something else. When I'm feeling like I'm not getting enough done, and I'm wrapped up in my imposter syndrome, I have to remind myself, number one, that productivity is not a measure of my worth. If my confidence is low, I'll start to put my confidence in the wrong areas. This is an ongoing challenge for all of us all the time. You know, we constantly have to work on having our confidence be based on our sense of self, who we are as people, how kind we are, how generous we are, what we bring to the world in that way.

8:37But in a moment of vulnerability, your confidence can get wrapped up in your significant other's opinion of you, your friend's opinion of you, your level of productivity, what you look like. Like, it's very easy for your confidence to reside in places that it shouldn't. And I think there is a chance that maybe my confidence isn't in a good place right now. Actually, I don't think my confidence is in a great place right now. I need to do some work on that. And it's important to remind myself that productivity is not a measure of my worth. It has nothing to do with who I am as a person. You know what I mean?

9:11Like, how do I treat people? What do I bring to the world in that way? You know, that's what matters. And that is a really important and helpful reminder for me. Another reminder is I'm doing the best that I can. And I kind of said this already, but like, I'm doing the best I can. And that's enough. It's enough. Like it, this is so I'm really sounding like a Pinterest board right now. Like I really sound like a Pinterest board, but this is the type of shit that fucking helps. And you know what? To be cringe is to be free, as they say. And I don't care if I'm a little cringe right now because this is what helps me.

9:48And this corny shit actually does help sometimes. Doing the best you can, doing as much as you can is enough. Like it just isn't that deep. It's enough. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know. It's a simple way of putting it, but I don't even know how to elaborate on it. That's just what it is. It's just simply enough. And I think in my case, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied when I'm in this state of mind. Do you know what I'm saying? Like when you're in a place where you have imposter syndrome and you feel like you're not getting enough done and you're putting all this pressure on yourself, I don't think it's possible to feel satisfied when you're in that headspace.

10:26Because it's not about how much work you're getting done. It's about not feeling good about yourself and trying to get as much done as you possibly can to feel better. You know what I mean? And because it's not actually rooted in not getting enough done, at least in my case, I have to remind myself that what I'm doing, which is my best and as much as I can possibly do, that's enough. Again, cringe and corny, but here we are. And last but not least, I have to remind myself that on my deathbed, it will not matter how much work I got done. It will not matter how productive I was. And that, honestly, without fail, every time puts this into perspective for me.

11:07when I realized like, wait a minute, when I'm dying, am I going to care about my output? Like my work output? Like how efficient? Who cares about that? That doesn't matter. That's not the bigger picture. Like the bigger picture is the relationships you have in your life. The bonds that you've made, the lives that you've changed, even in small ways. It doesn't matter. are small ways. Could be like the way that you smiled at people every day at work. It could have been the way that you always helped old people. I don't fucking know, but it's like, that's what is going to matter on your deathbed, not how much work you got done.

11:49And again, I think these are things that I need to remind myself of specifically because I specifically struggle with imposter syndrome and overworking myself. And so, you know, that's why these things are particular reminders for me. Whereas if you're somebody who maybe doesn't struggle with that, these things might not apply. But those really help me. Next, this kind of goes hand in hand with not feeling like I'm getting enough done, but it's a different feeling. It's a different

12:27through a hard time to overwork myself as a distraction in my life. Like I will just work and work and work and work and work and destroy my work-life balance to escape from my other challenges. It's a form of avoiding, right? And I think the hardest thing about it is that it's really easy to convince yourself that you're just being productive. You're just getting shit done. You're just getting ahead, you know, maybe not getting ahead. I never feel ahead. But like, you get what I'm saying? It's, it's a socially acceptable way of distracting from emotions. But the reality is, distracting from emotions is preventing any sort of progress.

13:14Like a distraction is a distraction. And so I have to remind myself of that. Like, it's not healthy and productive to distract myself with work. Yeah, maybe I'm getting a lot done. But you know what else I'm doing? Burning myself out. Burning myself out and running away from my problems and preventing healing and progress, which is like that's only making, that's only elongating the struggle. If I were to instead maintain a work-life balance in challenging moments, it would actually help the pain and the discomfort end sooner. Just because it's a socially acceptable distraction doesn't mean it's not a distraction.

13:57And so that's something I have to remind myself of. But I think the most potent reminder for me when dealing with this is the quote. I don't even know where this came from, but if work fills every corner of your life, there is no room left for living. That is dark to me. Okay. That is dark. And that is very true. and whenever I remind myself of that, I am like, oh God, I can't, like, I'm not living my life. I'm not living my life. I'm running away from my life by, like, by working too, you know what I mean? Like, I need to prioritize living my life again because, again, it goes back to the deathbed thing.

14:39On my deathbed, it's going to be a more fond memory, honestly, remembering me going through a challenge and overcoming it and growing through it and the beauty of that experience, that's such a better, more beautiful memory than me working too much to the point of just avoiding addressing a challenge, you know, and I'm not going to remember the work. No one, you don't remember the work, you know, maybe some work is like fun and awesome. And I definitely am lucky that there are moments where work is amazing. But I have to remember that if work fills every corner of your life. There is no room left for living.

15:16And that scares the shit out of me and makes me realize, you know what, I need to make space to live my life. And you know what, in this particular moment, living my life means addressing a challenge, addressing uncomfortable feelings, but that's what I got to do. Now, moving on to my next challenging feeling, which goes hand in hand with the last two, feeling burnt out. And I've talked a lot about feeling burnt out, because I do have a tendency to burn myself out. And it's sort of this like hamster wheel situation of, you know, I will over, I'll like have imposter syndrome, feel like I'm not getting enough done maybe.

15:56Then I overwork myself to try to eradicate those feelings. Then it causes burnout and then I can't get anything done. And then that gives me imposter syndrome worse. And I can get off that hamster wheel and I have many times, right? But I can get into that cycle, right? it happens. And I would say recently, I've sort of been in that cycle a little bit. I read this quote recently from someone who has a similar name to me, Emma Matthews. The quote is, sometimes burnout is the wake up call for how far you've fallen out of alignment with who you are and what you want from life. I love this quote, because it puts burnout in a more positive light.

16:40Like I think I personally have a hard time with feeling burnt out because I'm like, I did this to myself. I'm such an idiot. I should have known better. I let myself do this again. Now I can't get anything done. Now I'm so exhausted. I like can't do anything. I'm, you know, now I'm really not getting anything done. And I have a tendency to, in that dark time, look at burnout as a really negative thing. And this quote to me is like, hey, no, it's just a wake up call that things have fallen out of alignment. And there's this call to action of like, fucking fix it then. Fix it. Find the root of the issue, whether it's low confidence leading to imposter syndrome, or it's running away from problems that you don't want to address, overworking yourself, or maybe it's not having a work situation or a home situation.

17:32that's working. It's a wake up call that things need to change. Things need to be addressed. And that's actually a really beautiful thing because that is the thing about burnout. You can't rest it off. It's like an exhaustion that doesn't go away just from going on a vacation. It's an issue in your life that's woven into your life and you need to seam rip and resell. That's kind of the nature of burnout is that it's like, oh no, this is a structural issue. We need to restructure things. And I think it can be really easy to get down on yourself and be like, fuck, like I, I don't even know where to start.

18:07Why do I feel this way? I feel lazy. I feel like a sack of shit. And in the quote, sometimes burnout is the wake up call for how far you've fallen out of alignment with who you are and what you want from life. It just, it reminds you of the value of hitting burnout. And it's calling you to do something. Even when you're burnt out, like the concept of restructuring and fixing things is actually the only thing you have motivation to do, at least in my experience. And so, but again, every time I hit burnout, I forget, at least in the beginning that, wait, this is a sign. This is a reminder. This is a wake up call that I'm not, things are not calibrated properly and I need to recalibrate.

18:49and I love that quote Emma Matthews who are you I'm gonna google Emma Matthews because she like I mean she really spoke with that one she spoke to me okay I googled Emma Matthews and nothing came up so I don't know I don't know but good quote um saw it on Pinterest and loved it another thing I heard online recently actually on YouTube shorts which is like toxic because I I am, you know, it's like I'm scrolling on YouTube shorts, which is never good. But I actually did hear someone say something that really resonated with me. And I'd never heard it before. And to some of you, this might be like so obvious.

19:30And like your parents have been saying this to you since you were a kid. Well, guess what? I just heard it for the first time. And it really resonated with me. And I actually shared it with some of my friends. And they were like, that doesn't resonate with me. And I was like, no problem. So this might not resonate with you, because I guess this one's controversial. But basically, someone on this YouTube short, I don't remember their name. And I think this is more of a mainstream concept, like they didn't invent it or anything. But it's basically the concept of think of yourself as a catapult. Okay.

20:00You know what a catapult is? It's like one of those little things that you pull back and you have like something in it and then you pull it back and then it throws it. I'm realizing now that if you don't know what a catapult is, this one is not going to help you. But I invite you to Google a catapult if you don't know what that is. Anyway, the concept was basically think of yourself as a catapult and rest is like pulling back the catapult. The more you rest, the further you'll be able to go when you let go. Okay. It's really just basically saying the more you rest, the more you'll be able to get done.

20:38Now, as I just mentioned, right, like burnout isn't, I guess, you know what? I guess that quote is actually more helpful for when I'm feeling like I'm not getting enough done. But I don't know. It's kind of like, it kind of addresses not getting enough done, overworking myself as a distraction and feeling burnt out. Like it kind of relates to all of that in a way. But anyway, the further you pull back the catapult, let yourself rest, the farther you'll go when you let go. And again, I think this is, this really resonated with me because I'm someone who just is, I'm somebody who really struggles with resting.

21:20I feel like, especially recently, I've not always felt that way. And it's something I've been struggling with more recently where I just feel guilt when I rest. And I know better. I fucking know better, But I've been back in that state of mind recently. And this quote really helped me and is helping me allow myself rest. Hey, you know what? We'll take what we can get. You know what I mean? We'll do whatever works. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Garnier You guys know I love doing my makeup. It's kind of a whole thing, but taking it off That's where I need it to be easy Garnier waterproof micellar water makes removing makeup simple It easily lifts away that stubborn waterproof mascara heavy long wear foundation dirt oil you name it Which is all I can ask for at the end of the day head to amazon to shop garnier waterproof micellar water now Now back to the episode Okay, moving on.

22:22The next thing I've been dealing with is sweating over the small stuff, okay? Like, hyper-focusing on small things and turning them into big things that don't need to be that big. kind of blowing things out of proportion, hyper focusing on small stuff and like not letting things roll off my back. Just like zooming in on things that aren't really that big of a deal and making them a bigger deal. I have a tendency to do this, get kind of hyper focused on stuff and really get upset about it. And it's just not, we can't, I can't live like this, you know, When i'm dealing with this I remind myself of the bigger picture Okay, when i'm like super stressed out about like the way someone texted me i'm like, wait Are they mad at me?

23:15They seemed that their tone seems off or I'm, like hyper focused on like i'm having my skin's breaking out and i'm really upset You know Like small stuff like that that like really isn't that big of a deal Or i'm like, I don't know you get the idea small stuff When I find myself in the state of mind where I'm hyper focusing on these things, I have to remind myself the bigger fucking picture. These things do not matter. Zoom out, zoom out. I have to zoom out and think about what a real issue is. What's a real issue? And once I compare these small little things to like what an actual fucking issue is, I'm like, I got to let this go.

23:57Like this is a waste of my energy. This is ridiculous. This is stupid. I'm being stupid. This is stupid. You know, look at the bigger picture. Imagine a real issue. And honestly, that gets my ass. It whips my ass into shape quick. But again, I can sometimes forget that I'm doing it. And I've been doing it a lot lately, in addition to all these other things that I've been ruminating about. So it's been really hard to catch myself doing it. I've just been doing it and not thinking about it. And so I really, you know, I need to remind myself to zoom out. It seems obvious, but I don't know. It doesn't come naturally to zoom out, especially when you're hyper-focused on something, you're hyper-focused on it.

24:43You have to make an active choice to zoom out. So that's one reminder. I have another quote for you for this particular challenge. If life is like a book, when you look back years from now, today's worry may not even earn a sentence. So don't let it steal the whole page. Oh my God. Did you hear that? That's good. That's a good one. Don't let it steal a whole page. And it's so true, but that's really just kind of like zooming out, but that's a nice metaphor for it. I have to really practice giving attention to things that like deserve and need my attention. Because I have a tendency to want to give full attention to everything and you just can't do that.

25:24And it's hard at times to figure out what needs full attention, what doesn't. But I think zooming out and looking at it with a broader perspective, a lot of times with this type of small stuff, it's you realize very quickly, like, oh my God, this is a waste of my energy. This doesn't matter. I'm happy. I'm healthy. The people I love are happy and healthy. I have a roof over my head. It's like the bigger fucking picture. End of story. And that whips my ass into shape. Next, something I've been struggling with lately is feelings of intense fear and anxiety just underlying all the time. And this is something I deal with almost constantly, to be honest, because I actually am sort of convinced it's and I'm not complaining, but I do think that a lot of my fear and anxiety is rooted in my career, to be honest, in this job and being a public figure.

26:23And again, I know what you're thinking, Emma, you're not Taylor Swift. Like, shut the fuck up. You can go to the store. I know, but everything's relative. And I, being a public figure for me causes me a lot of fear and anxiety for a plethora of reasons. And it's very challenging for me psychologically. I have a really hard time. It causes me a lot of fear and anxiety, whether it's for like, whether it's like physical safety, or it's psychological safety, because being, you know, perceived at the level is like, can be really tough. And as I've said many times on this podcast, like I've developed various psychological issues, a little PTSD, a little OCD from experiences on the internet where I've been, where things have gotten rough for me, you know, and people haven't been nice to me or whatever.

27:12And it, so like I have a neuropathway, you know, that is not my favorite one, you know, but I have a like so I have this sort of underlying fear and anxiety all the time about all of the different complications that come with this job however I'm still fucking doing it like I'm doing it and I am not complaining this is just a reality of the situation and it doesn't matter by the way I'm convinced see I I think that it has something to do with the job but to be honest if it wasn't this it'd probably be something else and but right now that's what it's rooted in is like just all the different fears that come with being a public figure.

27:55But then I also have like general anxiety and fears about stuff that everybody worries about, like getting murdered or something or like somebody you love, like, you know, shit like that. Now I have to knock on wood. It's all consuming. It's all the time. It's really hard. It's really hard. But I have to remind myself of simple things. And, you know, it's like, I think that this is a probably a deeper issue than, say, overworking myself as a distraction from my issues, like that can be resolved with like a little reminder written down in my journal. Whereas this one is a bit tougher, but there are things that help alleviate some of the psychological discomfort.