you won’t be liked by everyone, advice session

0:00Emma Chamberlain:Well, hey there, and welcome back to Advice Session. A series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything, and I mean anything, you want advice on. And then I give you my unprofessional advice. and today's topic is the unfortunate reality that not everyone's going to like you. Listen, I am one of those people that wants to be liked by everyone. That's why for majority of my life, I've been a yes man and a people pleaser because I don't like when people don't like me. That bothers me and I know people who don't care or at least they're pretty good at pretending like they don't care.

0:38Emma Chamberlain:I'm not one of those people. However, over the course of my life, I've gotten better, you know, accepting the fact that not everyone's going to like me. But I know that this is challenging. So without further ado, let's get into it. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Walmart. Summer's back, baby, which means a whole new wardrobe. Thankfully, you can find trends that speak to you for less at Walmart. You know, for me, summer is about simplicity and comfort. because warm weather is pleasant, but only if you dress properly for it. So I'm trying to wear breathable but cute clothing all summer long.

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2:03Emma Chamberlain:Like, I keep going on dates and they're terrible. Or I keep getting in fights with my family members or et cetera, et cetera. When you notice a pattern, sometimes it can be effective to ask yourself if you're the problem. Now, listen, asking yourself if you're the problem is not necessarily self-deprecating. It's not necessarily an act of self-hatred. It can be an opportunity for growth, character development. It's not a bad idea to ask yourself if it's you. Are you the reason why these friendships aren't working out? Listen, you might do soul searching and come to the conclusion that no, it's not you and that it's perhaps something else, which we'll discuss in a second what that else could be.

2:52Emma Chamberlain:But it's not a bad idea to sit yourself down and go through all of the friendships and try to figure out what went wrong. Is it possible that maybe your sense of humor is a bit harsh? Maybe you make jokes that without you even realizing it are actually kind of hurtful. Perhaps upon reflection, you're actually kind of a clingy friend. You text your friends a lot, multiple times a day. Your friends don't text you that often. So you're definitely the dominant texter in the relationship. Maybe you're a little bit clingy or a little bit, I don't even want to use the word overbearing, but a little bit too involved for the average comfortability of a friend.

3:33Emma Chamberlain:Perhaps upon reflection, you realize that when your personality started to come out and maybe you're a really outgoing, loud, brash sort of person, your friend started to pull away. Now, listen, I know that it's uncomfortable and painful to have these sort of self-reflection sessions. But if you can go into it with the perspective that we are all works in progress, we are all on a journey to become the best people, and in this sort of situation, best friends we can be, it's actually good news and productive news if upon reflection, you find something to work on. Because not only does that show that you're a person that is capable of self-reflection, which is not easy to do, but also you're on the path to improvement, to making meaningful friendships down the line.

4:27Emma Chamberlain:This is a really positive, productive, awesome thing. If you can try your best to take your ego out of it, because our ego tries to convince us that we need to be perfect and that we are perfect and that everyone else is the problem and that if we're the problem, we're a failure and we're terrible. and so that's not an option. If you can keep your ego at pay, good can come out of it. So I really encourage you to self-reflect. And if you discover something, don't run away from it. Don't hide from it. Don't try to make an excuse like, oh, no, no, wait, I found something that I might've done wrong, but wait, no, but it's not that bad.

5:07And it's not my fault. And it's actually their fault. Don't reframe it. Don't run away from it. Don't hide from it.

5:13Emma Chamberlain:It's kind of exciting if you find something because it's something to work on. So that's step one. Step two, if you discover what might've went wrong, maybe go back to your friends that you've lost, maybe not all of them, but the ones where you feel comfortable and try to reopen the friendship or just recognize, hey, you know, I've been reflecting on the end of our friendship and I think this is what I did. Like, I think this is what went wrong. I would love to grab lunch. I would love to grab dinner. I'd love to go on a hike and catch up and, you know, talk more about what went wrong and potentially, you know, try to open up the friendship again if you're open to it and see what your, you know, ex-friends, if you will.

6:03Emma Chamberlain:I mean, they're not really ex-friends. I guess they are kind of ex-friends. See what your ex-friends say. This could be an opportunity to learn more about yourself as a friend and how you can improve. It could also be the restart of the friendship, which could be a beautiful thing. If you sit down for a self-reflection session and you don't find anything, genuinely nothing comes up. You're like, I did everything right. I wasn't overly clingy. I wasn't brash. I wasn't rude. It doesn't make sense to you still why things went wrong. To start, I would recommend analyzing the types of people that you're trying to be friends with.

6:42Emma Chamberlain:There's a chance that your type is not good for you. It's the same thing as dating. Like for so many years, my type in guys was not good for me. I like to date guys that were avoidant and kind of non-committal, kind of emotionally unavailable. Like I loved that vibe. I thought it was hot, mysterious, couldn't get enough of it. But that's why I kept ending up in situations that were terrible for me mentally because my type was bad for me. And so when I realized that and was like, okay, wait, I need to be going for guys that are emotionally available, like me back, et cetera, I started to have more success in dating.

7:22Emma Chamberlain:And dating didn't take as much of a horrible emotional toll on me. This sort of thing might be happening with you and friends. Perhaps you're trying to be friends with the most popular girls in school. The most popular girls in school tend to be less, like friendship comes so easily to them, you know, that they maybe at times can stereotypically be less loyal friends. Now that's not always true, right? Sometimes people are popular because they're genuinely cool people and they're genuinely friends with everyone. That's great. Sometimes popular people are popular because everyone thinks that they're cool.

8:04Emma Chamberlain:Maybe they have a good sense of personal style. Maybe they like cool music. Maybe they're sort of the trendsetter and their character might be a bit less favorable for deep friendship. Do you see what I'm saying? Maybe you're trying to be friends with people who are really shy. Like maybe you're attracted to people who are shy and perhaps you're trying to be friends with introverts who don't really like to have super deep friendships. Maybe deep friendships are exhausting for them. Do you see what I'm saying? Like try to figure out if there's a chance that the types of friends that you're trying to make are the wrong types of friends for you, the wrong types of people for the types of friendships that you want to have.

8:48Emma Chamberlain:Another thing you could do if you self-reflected and discovered nothing is go and ask some of your ex-friends what happened. I kind of mentioned that earlier. Be like, hey, I'm trying to figure out what went wrong so that I can be a better friend moving forward. What happened? And that's my advice. Okay, moving on. Somebody said, my bestie has another really close friend that always tries to prove that they are closer than my bestie and I. I tried to be nice, so I initiated a slumber party for the three of us, but the whole time, the other girl kept going on and on about how close they are, and I felt pushed away.

9:24Emma Chamberlain:I don't think my BFF noticed, though, because she only says these things to me. What should I do? I would say there's three options, and two of them are preferred, and one is an option, but I'm not obsessed with it. So let's start with the two preferable options. Option one, talk to the other bestie. Okay. Not your bestie, your bestie's other bestie. Figure out a way that you feel is appropriate to have a one-on-one conversation with this person. It might mean texting on the side and being like, hey, like, I kind of want to talk to you about something. Can we talk on the phone? It might be inviting this other bestie to dinner.

10:03Find a way to get this person alone and then lay your heart out. Say everything that you're feeling.

10:11Emma Chamberlain:I think from a tone perspective, it's best to be like, hey, you know, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I've just been noticing that there's a bit of maybe competition or tension between us because of our mutual friendship with so-and-so. And to be honest, it makes it really a bummer when we all hang out. And, you know, we have the potential to all be good friends. I really want to know if there's anything I can do to make this a comfortable, fun friendship. And you can also go into saying like, listen, I respect your friendship with our bestie. I am not jealous of that friendship.

10:48Emma Chamberlain:I want that friendship to thrive on its own, that friendship does not detract from mine. But on the other hand, I would hope that you feel the same about my friendship with our bestie. These are two separate friendships and not one detracts from the other and it is not a competition. If there's a way that we can find a way to feel confident with our own individual friendships with our bestie, that would be better for everyone. That's sort of what I would say, Like something along the lines of that, something casual, but deeply truthful, not beating around the bush, just saying it how it is, but in a way that is gentle and not super accusatory.

11:29Emma Chamberlain:I did do a bit of accusing there. So maybe it could have been worded better because I was like, I don't feel threatened by your friendship. Maybe you shouldn't feel threatened by mine. Like that, that maybe, maybe you could word that better and be more like, I think it would be healthy if we both found a way to not feel threatened by the other's relationship. You know what I mean? Like make it about the both of you. So that's option one. Have a conversation with the other bestie. Now, how it goes is out of our control, right? The other bestie might respond great to this and be like, you know what?

12:03You're right. I do feel threatened by your friendship with our bestie and it really makes me feel jealous. And I just think that you're really cool. And it makes me feel bad about myself and bad about the friendship, but you're right.

12:18Emma Chamberlain:You know, that's unnecessary and unhealthy and I'm really going to work on it. Great. Great. And through that vulnerable conversation, if it goes well, you might end up becoming friends with your bestie's bestie and things might turn out beautifully. It also might go sour and your bestie's bestie might be like, fuck you. Like I've been friends with this girl longer. You shouldn't even be friends with my bestie. Like I don't even know why my bestie's friends with you. Like who knows? Like it could go really sour. In which case you just need to separate your friendships with your bestie. Don't try to combine it anymore.

12:53Just keep it separate. And that's fine. Like sometimes that's what's got to happen, right? So that's option one. Option two is to not even try to have a conversation and instead just avoid the other besties. So basically what I just said, keep the friendship separate. I feel like chances are this could work out seamlessly where you wouldn't even need to really bring it up to anyone. Like every time there's maybe like a dinner where it's going to be your bestie and her other bestie, maybe you're like, oh, you know what? I'm going to skip out on this one, you know, and then you can make your own plans with your bestie.

13:30Do you see what I'm saying? Like that might just be the best approach. It's subtle. It's non-confrontational and not everyone's going to be friends with everyone. You know what I mean? Not everyone's going to get along. And so sometimes it's best to just give people space and maybe that's the best option in this situation. Option three, which is not my favorite, but it might work for you. So I'm bringing it up anyway. Option three is to discuss with your bestie, to sit your bestie down and explain the whole situation. Be like, listen, I love you. I adore you. And I want you to be happy. You're friends with me and you're friends with this other bestie.

14:10How many times did I just say bestie? 5 ,000? I need to start using a new word. You can say, I don't want to cause drama. I don't want to be the problem, but I've been noticing that when the three of us hang out, you know, there's a bit of passive aggressiveness. There's a bit of jealousy. There's a bit of weirdness with your other best friend, and it makes it really hard to hang out as a group. I wanted to bring it to you and ask you what you suggest because you know the both of us really well, and, you know, I don't want to make you feel like you're in the middle of it, but you might be able to help me come up with some sort of solution.

14:49You know, I think the key is to not put her in the middle of it and to make sure that she knows that you understand if like she doesn't drop that friend just because that friend is sort of being passive aggressive with you. You know what I'm saying? Like that creates tension between you and your bestie and your bestie and their other bestie. That creates weird friendship tension. I just always try to handle issues directly when I can. And technically, this is an issue between you and your bestie's other friend. So it's best to handle it directly if possible, or to take matters into your own hands and sort of figure out, okay, you know, how can I distance myself from that other friend?

15:34And the last thing you want to do is cause stress or grief for your friend. when they're not necessarily doing anything. They're not doing anything wrong, you know? And arguably, right, it's like, we want to be friends with people who have good taste in people. And you don't want to cause drama. You want to problem solve. You're trying to avoid drama. You're trying to create less drama. And I feel like there's a risk of causing drama if you bring your friend into the middle of it. And I think your friend would really appreciate if you went out of your way to keep them out of the drama.

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16:48Do I just accept that? This is tough. What do I do when someone just seems to not like me for no reason, but they're in my space, they're adjacent to me? This is a different question than the last one. It's similar, but it's different because it's about seemingly irrational hatred towards you, right? Which is different than the last question, which was like, hey, my bestie has another bestie and there's a bit of jealousy going on, a bit of passive aggressiveness, a bit of competitiveness. There's at least a reason for that tension, right? So I think there's a few options once again. Option one is to sit this person down.

17:32Now, again, this is not fun. It is an act of bravery. But I do think it can be worth the effort. Again, it comes down to finding the right time, finding the right place, and laying your heart out to them and saying, listen, not everyone's going to like everyone in this life, but we're mutual friends. You know, like I'd love to be able to hang out and it'd be cool. and I just want to know if it's something I did or if it's just me as a person. Like, help me just understand what's going on so that, number one, I can improve as a person, but number two, I can better understand how to interact with you.

18:11And I think if you lay your heart out like that, you can feel confident that you did the best that you could. That's something to be really proud of. But what do you do depending on how they respond? Well, if they respond warmingly and lovingly and say, you know what? Like, I don't know. I guess I never really got the chance to get to know you. And now that we're chatting, like you actually seem pretty cool. And you know, I'm sorry about all that. That's best case scenario. And that's actually not unlikely. A lot of times we think we don't like somebody because maybe we had one bad interaction or maybe because we heard one bad rumor or maybe because, you know, we just got a weird vibe and we can't really explain it, but we just got a weird vibe.

18:52And sometimes those premonitions are correct. And sometimes they're not. I would say it's a 50-50 chance. So there's a chance that you might have this conversation with this person. Then they'll be like, wait, you're actually cool. And I'm sorry. And that's the best case scenario. Now, the worst case scenario is that they're like, I don't like your vibe. I mean, it'd be kind of shocking if they said that to your face, but I mean, it's better that they say that to your face than try to like sugarcoat it or say like, I don't know. Nothing's wrong. Like, what's your problem? Like that vibe sucks.

19:20And that might happen as well. But that sucks because it's completely useless. You know, you just laid your heart out. They're leaving their walls up and just saying like, no, nothing's wrong. Like, what's wrong with you? It's like, ew, that's so annoying. I would hope that this person would at least communicate back with you and be honest with you. If they're not, then there's kind of nothing you can do. Like, if they don't give you any information at all, if they just play it cool and keep their walls up. I mean, yeah, there's nothing you can do. There's no action item. Well, except for learning to accept that not everyone's going to like you.

19:54That's the action item at that point. But if they say something like, well, the first time I met you, like you were really cold or like you made a joke that kind of offended me or like you blah, blah, blah. If they're able to give you something, that's an incredible nugget of knowledge about how you can improve as a person. And that's really useful once again. and then you have an action item and you can promise them and say, I'm going to work on this and I appreciate you letting me know and I wish you would have let me know sooner because I want to be a good person. And you can extend an olive branch and say, I'm sorry for what went wrong and I really want to try to be cool, you know?

20:35So that's sort of option number one. Option number two is to just leave it alone and accept it. Here's the thing. It is inevitable that in life, sometimes people are not going to like you for no apparent reason and vice versa. You're not going to like other people. I wish that I was some sort of saint who loved everyone who hasn't wronged me. That's not true. There are times when I meet people and I just don't like them. And I kind of feel bad saying that, but I also don't because it's out of my control. Do I treat them with disrespect? Absolutely not. I've done a lot of work in my life to, well, I mean, I've also just always been a people pleaser.

21:17So, I mean, I feel like I'm pretty good at hiding the fact that I don't like somebody, but I know what it feels like to just simply not like someone for no reason. And I know it's not that personal. I know it's just a weird instinctual thing. And so when I noticed that other people just for whatever reason don't seem to like me, I try to remember my own experience with that and how it really isn't that deep and it's not that personal. It's more about the individual who doesn't like the person for no reason than it is about the person who's being disliked for no reason. Do you know what I mean?

21:46Sometimes it just happens. I think the key is to just keep a safe distance from those who don't seem to like you. You know, leave them alone and accept that this is just a part of life and being social with other human beings. It's just a part of it. Okay, next. Somebody said, there's this girl in my friend group that constantly puts me down and talks bad about me. I love my other friends, but she makes me feel really bad. What do I do? I think my advice is kind of getting redundant here, but I do think you should try to confront the girl first. Why not? Like, what do you have to lose? At this point, you're in a situation that is so uncomfortable that you're probably, like, if it doesn't improve, you're probably going to have to leave the friend group.

22:29You can't have somebody around you all the time who's talking shit about you. Like, go confront this girl and be like, what's going on? We're all in the same friend group. We all want to have fun and hang. Like, why are you doing this to me? I know what you're doing. It's unfair and it's not cool and it's not being a good friend. Like, what's the problem? Chances are she's jealous of you for some reason. It also might be that she just really doesn't like you, but the fact that she's putting you down and talking bad about you, I mean, chances are she's probably jealous of you. And I think a conversation that's disarming and honest and vulnerable from your end might humanize you in the eyes of her in a way that softens her towards you.

23:14But if that doesn't work out, either because she doesn't respond to it well or because you're too nervous to do it or you don't feel comfortable doing it, then you could try to discuss it with your friends. Now, again, it gets a little bit complicated when you have an issue with somebody directly and then you bring in middlemen. Then you're sort of creating drama with people who don't necessarily need to be involved in drama. And that can sometimes cause more harm than good. However, and I gave this advice earlier, your group of friends know you both really well. So sitting your friend group down and being like, hey, you know us both really well.

23:53How should I handle this situation? It's not necessarily a bad idea, but I think once again, the key is to be like, listen, I don't want to put you guys in the middle of this, But this is something I'm really struggling with. And to be honest, if I don't figure out a solution, I might not be able to hang out with you guys anymore when this person's around because it's too upsetting for me and it makes me feel too bad about myself. Again, I'm not asking you guys, my friends, to like drop this other friend and to choose me. I'm just asking for advice on how to handle it because I'm at a point now where I've hit my limit.

24:27best case scenario, it all gets sorted. Perhaps your friends give you good advice. Maybe they give you advice on how to talk to this other friend and then you gain the courage and go and talk to the other friend and the problem gets solved. Maybe your friends hear this news and they're like, you know what? We don't want to hang out with this person anymore anyway. They've been kind of mean to us too. Maybe it's best that we just kind of start drifting away from this friendship and looking for a group that is more supportive all around. I mean, you could also develop your friendships with individuals in the friend group intimately.