Stop Trying to Make Someone With Dementia Happy All the Time

0:00Care Blazer, today we are going to talk about three reasons why you should not be trying to make your loved one with dementia happy all the time. Now, I know we want to do the best that we can for our loved ones. We want to care for them, love them, make sure they're taken care of in the best possible way. And if we can bring them joy and happiness, by all means, let's do it. Careblazer, real quick. If you learn better by watching things, then you can hop on over to my YouTube channel where I post these podcasts in video format, sometimes have different visuals to help people learn even better.

0:38You can just type in Care Blazers into YouTube and I will pop up. All right, let's get back to today's podcast. However, in dementia caregiving, naturally, there are going to be situations that we cannot make them happy and we should not try to necessarily make them happy because doing so has really big negative consequences. I am wanting to record this video because sometimes as really big hearted loving careblazers, we have this desire to do the best that we can. And then when our loved ones with dementia are showing that they are upset with us or not happy with us, we can sometimes make that mean we aren't great careblazers and there is nothing further from the truth.

1:26So I'm going to go over these three reasons. and the first one will be the most common. The third one is going to be the reason that is most common, but we don't even realize it. Sometimes we don't even realize that what we are doing doesn't even make sense in a lot of situations. So you'll see what I mean as we move forward. So first, the most obvious reason why we shouldn't make it a goal for our loved wants to be happy all the time is their safety. Think about it. In dementia, many, many people, eventually all people with dementia, are unsafe to do certain activities. So let's take driving, for example.

2:06In the beginning, as somebody has dementia in the early mild stages, could they technically still be okay to drive? Sure. It's a very personal decision. However, However, at some point, every single person with dementia will be unsafe to drive. Their brain will no longer be able to manage all of the steps that come along with driving. If your loved one was somebody who really, really wanted to drive and they were no longer safe to do so, and you were the one preventing them from driving because you want to keep them safe, guess what? It means they're not going to be happy with you. Does that make sense?

2:46If your loved one wanted to manage all their finances and have control over their checkbook and credit cards and all of the financial things, but they were constantly falling for scams, giving people out their social security number, handing people blank checks, wouldn't you want to intervene to stop that from happening? You're doing so in their best interest, but it's not going to make them happy because they think they can still do the thing. They still want to do the thing. So, of course, we've talked. There's plenty of videos here on this channel about what to do when somebody wants to drive and they're not safe.

3:24Like, how can you respond personally? What do you do when somebody is no longer able to manage their finances and you have to step in? Those are other videos. those that are here on this channel, but this video is just like the mindset of realizing when your loved one is not happy with you sometimes. It doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Sometimes it means you're doing the best you can to keep them safe, right? So that's reason number one. We shouldn't make it a goal to keep them happy all the time because in doing so, we would literally be putting their safety at risk, okay? Number two is if we are trying to make our loved ones happy all the time, it comes at a huge expense to you, a huge detriment to you.

4:05Because what we're not considering is what your capacity is that day. So we are always giving our 100%. However, our 100 % looks different based on the day. What you are able to do after having a night of good sleep is much different than what you're able to do if you've only slept for three hours because your loved one was up in the middle of the night. So you always, always have to consider your well-being in your dementia decision-making. It's not always just about the person with dementia. So if your loved one, let's say you're still working and you come home from work and your loved one with dementia wants to immediately go on a car ride.

4:49Okay, some days that might just be fine. Hop in the car, honey, let's go on a car ride. Some days you might be starving. You might be exhausted. You might have to go to the restroom. You might not be feeling well. So for us to ignore our feelings 100 % of the time and just do the thing that our loved ones with dementia wants us to do, it's going to fuel the fire for more burnout, exhaustion, and resentment. and those things are going to make caregiving more difficult in the long run. So you are absolutely okay to consider yourself. We can't just dismiss our own humanness and needs all the time for our loved ones with dementia.

5:31Will we do it some of the time? Yeah. Quite frankly, we're probably going to do it a lot of the time. Just make sure we're realizing some of the time it's okay to choose ourselves, okay? And then third reason, probably the most common one that we don't think about a lot, is when we are trying to make our loved ones happy all the time, we are sometimes removing a very human interaction you can have with them, a bonding moment, a very loving moment that can make your relationship with them stronger. Here's what I mean. You have probably had a friend in your life going through something hard. Maybe they just lost a spouse.

6:14Maybe their loved one left them. Maybe they got fired from their job, whatever the case may be. When they are coming to you and they are sad, they are upset, they are crying, they are heartbroken, what do we do a lot of those times? With the people we love, we literally sit there with them. We listen to them. We offer them support. We let them know we're there for them. We let them know, I'm sorry that we say things like this must be so hard. I'm sorry you're going through this. We are not jumping in right away and saying something like, oh, it'll all work out. Don't worry about it. Let's go have a drink.

6:53Or we're not hearing their hardship and saying, oh, look, our favorite TV show is on. Let's watch it. And sometimes when the person with dementia is unhappy or showing frustration, grief, sadness, that's sometimes how we respond. We try to redirect them right away, wanting them to get off of the thing that's making them upset. Or we want to change the subject because we don't want them to be sad. Or we're trying to give them logic. We're trying to give them the reasons of why they shouldn't feel that way. Like they might say something like, I want to come home. I don't want to be here. and you're saying, well, this place is great for you.

7:31It has activities and the people here like you and there's games. Like we're trying to basically convince them that they should be happy and okay with the situation that they're in. So in some ways, it's like we're trying to find the dementia response when we really just need the human response. In so many situations of caring for somebody with dementia, if we just remove the part of them having dementia and we responded to them from a place of love at just like responding to their difficulty. Like this must be so hard. I'm so sorry you're going through this. This must feel scary. Those are the basic human responses that we would use to a friend.

8:10If we apply that to our loved ones with dementia, sometimes it's building a better relationship with them and also taking the pressure off of ourselves that we have to have some magical dementia response. Does this make sense, Careblazer? So this goal of wanting your loved one to be happy all the time, it's a goal that sounds pretty. It's a goal that sounds beautiful, like that's something we should want. And it makes us great careblazers. But the truth is, it makes no sense when you're actually a true careblazer. You are living it right now in your day-to-day life. Trying to make your loved one happy all of the time means you're going to jeopardize their safety, means you're going to neglect your own needs, ignore your own needs.

8:54It means that you are going to miss opportunities to truly just have a human connection with them. That means that when our loved ones become sad, it doesn't mean anything bad about us. It just means that they're human. People with dementia are people. They're still human. They're going to have the full range of human emotions and we don't have to make that mean we've done something wrong. What do you think about this Careblazer? I would love to know your thoughts. If this is a topic that interests you and you want to talk back and forth about, well, what would I do? What would I actually say?

9:32How do I get them to maybe have more peace and joy, but not make it all of the time if it's their safety? Or how do I respect my own needs while taking good care of my loved ones? If any of those are kinds of thoughts and questions you have in your mind, I am inviting you to just check out our Care Collective program. Learn about it. Learn about how every single week you can talk to me, other experts, other careblazers, share your challenges, your struggles, and be surrounded with love and support and actual practical guidance where we can tell you, hey, this might be the thing for you to try next.

10:13Careblazer, I'm sending you so much love. I'm sorry this is not easier. And it's just my ultimate goal that we find ways to make sure if it's not going to be an easy journey, which it's not, at least we're not making it harder unnecessarily. All right, sending you so much love.