Sadia Khan On Why It's Your Fault If You Get Cheated On

33:12So we've kind of polluted both young women's minds with such expectations that it becomes difficult to have a healthy relationship. Surely the solution, though, is to just reject all that and just be yourself. Is that not how the law of attraction works? Just be yourself. I think it's easier for us because we didn't grow up with TikTok on our phone. By the time I got on TikTok, I was like 30 or something. So I was like, by that time, it can't really affect you. But whereas these young generation are like, you know, they're 14, 15 years old and that's all they know. Yeah. But like you also said, they can listen to podcasts and listen to influencers who've got some experience.

33:51And whilst they might be in that culture, they're also able to learn a better way. They are. They are able to learn a better way. But the slightly younger one, the Gen Z, they actually they're too young to grasp the concepts of these kind of educated podcasts and they're not going to have the attention span for it. So the people of the right age can kind of balance themselves out, but slightly younger, they're going to find it very difficult to balance that. A big thank you to my sponsor Coinbase, a leading online cryptocurrency platform for buying, selling, trading, storing, and staking cryptocurrency.

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35:42And what about dating in Dubai? How's that? Oh, I've heard horror stories. I've actually, you know, I work with a lot of clients in Dubai. But I would say Dubai is the one city where women are outshining men in every regard when it comes to promiscuity and when it comes to, you know, cheating and all those things. It's definitely a lot of people see Dubai as a man's kind of city and they get to be with all these women. But the women are 20 steps ahead of men. And the key reason why women are so ahead of men when it comes to dating in Dubai is because Dubai attracts women from different cultures, beautiful women from different cultures, particularly Eastern European, North African.

36:17It attracts that. Now, the thing with Dubai, what women have done in Dubai that doesn't occur everywhere is they are not bothered by how attracted they are to a man. They are able to be married or in relationships with a man that they're not attracted to simply because he gives her a lifestyle. Now, anytime a woman can forego attraction and just be with a man because he provides her with something, she has a very male mindset to sex and promiscuity because most women, you have to get them attracted to you. That's the hard part, getting them attracted to you. then you know once she's attracted to you she usually becomes really loyal because she's so attracted to you and she can't really be attracted to other men but Dubai attracts women who don't care what you look like as long as you give them a lifestyle so there's no without attraction there's no loyalty so what will happen if another man can provide a better lifestyle he's he's replaced immediately or if he's even if he's not replaced if she does meet a man that she's attracted to she can use that guy while still having the perks of being with the man that she's not attracted to Wow.

37:12So you're saying that no matter how successful you are in Dubai, a woman is likely to exchange you for a more successful guy. The more successful you are, the more likely she is to exchange you for a successful guy in Dubai because you're going to attract a certain type of woman. And the type of woman you're going to attract is usually women that are not truly attracted to you, not actually in loyalty, but they're looking for a lifestyle. Whereas the less successful you are, and the more likely you are to get a woman when you're less successful, the more likely she's to be loyal because the key of why she's chosen you is her attraction to you just you as a person might be physical or whatever but as you get more and more successful the core behind why she's choosing you could be diluted by the finances and the more diluted it is the attraction the less loyalty there is but surely there's a really easy way to filter out these people you would think so but there's not i've got one which is when the bill comes you do this i know but then that's what you do the first date the bill comes you sit there and like i'm not saying as a guy you're not going to pay the bill yeah but you're looking for the reaction but the thing is so here's the thing here's the difference for dubai some girls just don't pay for bills because the culture is muslim so the men pay for everything anyway so the bill isn't the thing that actually filters them out that might work a little bit more in london but in dubai because men you You can actually sit there having dinner and somebody will pay your bill that you've never seen in the restaurant because it's a Muslim culture.

38:40Men pay for everything. But the real stretch is what they do for a living. And in Dubai is one of the most expensive cities in the world. It's super expensive. And even if you make good money, you'll still be like, wow, this city is really expensive. You'll meet girls that are from the middle of nowhere, like Kazakhstan or like from a village in Russia. And they live with a G-Wagon and like in a high rise with no job. And the men don't wonder where this is coming from. They don't question it. So it's what they do for a living is the real question you want to ask. And if it's not a clear answer, there's usually a man behind it.

39:12Right. OK. So entrepreneurship. Yeah. Is it different or difficult for entrepreneurial people or go getters, you know, or people who want to be very successful and run their own business? Is it is dating and relationships different or more difficult for them? It's a lot more difficult for a couple of reasons. The first reason why it's more difficult is obviously the time. They don't have the time to properly vet a woman, really get to know her, invest in her. They don't have that same kind of time frame that the average man would have. The second thing that I find is a bigger problem in the long run is because they're busy and because they're successful, they kind of make their wife's life a lot easier.

39:47Sometimes they'll be like, there's a cook, there's a maid, there's something. Or they solve all her problems for her. The problem then becomes there's a resentment because what ends up happening is he does more and more, but he feels less and less appreciated because he's doing more. He's like, I'm providing this for you. You've got this house. We go on holidays. You don't have to pay for anything. Your kids are in business. What's the problem? So what ends up happening is the balance tips because he does more and more. She doesn't have to do more because she doesn't have to cook. She doesn't have to clean.

40:15She gets used to that. She gets used to that. So what ends up happening is one person has to hustle for that lifestyle and work really hard. The other person just has to wake up in the morning and they get the exact same lifestyle. So resentment starts to build up. And that's where the relationship starts to suffer a little bit. Right. And is the resentment from the main breadwinner, could be a woman, but probably more likely a man, or is the resentment from the person who's being supported who takes it all for granted and therefore just naturally expects more? Yeah, it's on both ends. Weirdly, it's on both ends.

40:46What ends up happening is the breadwinner starts to get more and more resentful over time. but then the person who is getting everything kind of easy, they actually build resentment as well. And the reason they build resentment is because their life isn't as, because they haven't solved their own problems in their life. They haven't actually pushed themselves, exerted themselves. They start to feel a bit more and more depressed because our brain is actually not designed to be happy all the time and have it easy. Our brain is designed to problem solve. And when women have it so easy, men or women have it so easy and everything's just given to them on a plate, they will still find problems to solve so they'll make problems they'll say you didn't come home on time or you didn't this or the hotel room is not the brain brain is designed to find problems so they end up becoming more depressed and lonely and isolated then because they're not achieving as much by themselves so it kind of can be difficult this is not to make it sound like it's always bad sometimes it's beautiful but usually it works best when the woman has really achieved in her own career before and really has a lot of skills and she's done all of that stuff but she's ready to now just relax and look after the family.

41:48But when she's never achieved anything, you've just thrown her into this really lucky lifestyle, she can start to develop a little bit of depression. Right. That being said, I mean, raising children, I mean, that's hard. There's a lot of problem solving that goes on there. Yeah, but again, when you're really successful, you can provide a lot of nannies and you can provide help with that as well. So there's lots of problem solving with that. But one thing that happens with housewives in this day and age that probably didn't happen many years ago, is that before housewives would kind of have to cook from scratch and kind of had a community, there would be other housewives, they would have something that keeps them going.

42:25Now there's not that big of a community. Most women work, so they can't really just pick up a friend and say, do you want to take the kids to the park? They don't really have that community. And the second thing is now they've got social media, so they spend a lot of their downtime scrolling rather than connecting, and it can feel very lonely then. If you've just got kids and then scrolling, kids and scrolling, it's quite depressing. So I think it's not as healthy as it used to be, being in the housewife. People talk about nannies and house help and everything else, but I think that can be really bad.

42:57Why do you not like it? Well, surely the one thing you shouldn't outsource in life is parenting. I know. If you think about it, your kids are asleep for, well, my son's asleep for 11 hours a day at the moment because he's 14. so the kids are asleep for let's say eight hours they're at school five days a week for eight hours what and then you're gonna get a nanny and a load of help you as a parent have got the smallest amount of um raising and um impact on them like no yeah i think it's really bad i i agree i do think that children need their parents because they need to pick up the same skills what happens when you outsource nannies is children will behave in a way that you that's not you or your husband because they're picking it up from the nanny which is not bad or good but it's just you don't recognize the behavior but i would say that when i've kind of changed my mind a little bit from living in an expat country because i live in dubai um that i can see when you don't have family and you don't have your grandma and you don't have your grandparents you don't have uncles and aunts that you can kind of help you i can understand why they get a bit exhausted and think okay i just need some extra pair of hands the problem becomes when those extra pair of hands are doing the nurturing i can understand if they're just cleaning the house or maybe making sure that the bottles are warmed up or whatever but when they're doing the nurturing and they're spending more time with your children than you are the children do suffer okay so apparently i saw a statistic that 10 % of women aged 18 to 23 have an only fans account number one yeah do you think that stat is accurate number two that is shocking surely 10 % i think it might be western women but i think it's in in America 10 % 10 % of 18 to 23 year old women have an OnlyFans what the fuck but to me that speaks more to what men are pursuing rather than what because what I would say is if every OnlyFans creator was only making like$500 a year there would be no industry but even though so you're blaming men I am I am 100 % blaming men for it because there are probably 100 ,000 content creators i don't know but you blamed feminism earlier for for only fans i think that was for making them narcissistic yeah for making them narcissistic but i would say for feminism definitely makes women narcissistic but only fans is a consequence of men being disturbed and i would say genuinely disturbed and the reason i say that is because there would be not a single 18 to 23 year old on only fans if there wasn't a market for it and the fact that there are a hundred thousand and maybe content creators, but there are about 500 million subscribers.

45:36Now, nobody joins a job where nobody's paying. Nobody goes and volunteers to be an OnlyFans. They do it because they see women, 22 years old, I see sometimes some OnlyFans creators, 22 years old buying a five-bedroom house with a pool, or 23 years old and getting a G-Wangan. But where's the self-respect for the woman doing that? Or just showing the world their naked body and whatever else? I always say that no matter how bad a woman is, the person paying to see that is always more of the scum. She can be always, like, she might be a piece of shit, but you're paying to see that piece of shit. But I never said these words, by the way.

46:11Yeah, you're paying. So it's like, because look, even when Ted Bundy, Ted Bundy, the serial killer, he was doing, like, his court case, and he proposed to one of the jury members, and she said yes. She's more of a piece of shit than he is. And the reason being is you're seeing all of this, and you're rewarding it. You're seeing it and rewarding it. Now, bad behavior can only flourish in a society where people reward it. Now, the men that are paying, the statistics on the men paying are considerably older. They're like in their 40s onwards. They're usually married. And what content creators are doing...

46:44So you've blamed men, but if men were happy in their marriages, maybe they wouldn't be doing that. Well, I think if they were masculine men, they will always be happy in their marriages because they pick good. Masculine men, the reason... You can pick good and things can change over time. But then you can leave in those moments rather than become an OnlyFans subscriber. So you get married and then you just leave when things get hard? Well, you don't have to get married. No one's asking you to get married. The reason why the men that subscribe to OnlyFans, the ones that are, the married ones are there, is because they're usually these dorky, passive men that just got married because their wife told them to, don't have the guts to tell their wife that they, you know, are not attracted to her anymore or are not a man that she's attracted to so they have no intimacy.

47:23They're usually weaker men. that you won't find really strong, masculine, healthy men all night subscribing on OnlyFans. It's an impossibility. So what's happening is these women are preying on these really, you know, submissive, weak men. But the fact that they're making so much money means the submissive, weak men are the predominant cohort at the moment. So I would always say, look, I come from Pakistan and I come from a very strict kind of culture. Now, the reason why OnlyFans doesn't exist in Pakistan is because there's no market for it. If a woman was to kind of be naked online, I'm not saying this is good, but she would be threatened.

48:03Her family would be threatened. She would never be allowed to be put on that because the men don't reward that behavior. I'm not saying they're perfect, but they don't reward that behavior. So there won't be a market for it. She'd have to go to America and the men will reward it. And then the women become like this. So wherever we see women losing their femininity, wherever we see women losing their morals, we always ask the question, where's your father? Where's the dad? Even when you see strippers and you're like, I wonder what her dad thinks. Because we all recognize behind a promiscuous woman is a man that didn't do his job correctly.

48:35So whenever men don't do their job correctly, we create a society of women who are capitalizing on these weak men. Wow. Do you think in Pakistan you could get away with having an OnlyFans? Well, I mean, you're from Pakistan, I'm from Peterborough. You have to come, you have to come and see, but it would be an impossibility. It wouldn't even happen. But what's interesting is you threaded it back and blamed the fathers. So as you know, Andrew was on my show, Andrew Tate recently and with Bonnie Blue. And Andrew Tate blamed people like Bonnie Blue and OnlyFans on feminism. So you're tracking it back to the fathers, not raising the daughters and sons properly.

49:19And he's tracking it back to feminism and being independent and powerful. And, you know, you don't need men and emasculating. I would always trace it back to fathers. And the reason I say this is women have to experience being daughters before they can experience being wives. And what I mean by that is every woman needs to have the experience of an older man, her father, who chooses to pour into her, like provide for her, look after her, protect her, make sure her brother doesn't hit her, make sure that nobody, other man ever touches her, drop her to school, pick her up from school. That's what a woman has to experience.

49:53She has to experience being a daughter first, that protective man that's like anxious when you leave the house up until you get in the door until he hears, and I have this experience with my father to this day, when I'm staying in his house, until he hears the key and I'm home, he won't go to bed ever. Now, when you experience that as a woman, you know to trust men, you know to love men, because they've given you that experience. Then what ends up happening is you know how to love men back because you've experienced it. So then you become a wife and you think men are actually loving, caring, and they do a lot for you.

50:22You pull back into them. So once you've experienced being a daughter, you can then be a wife. Now, you can't skip that step. So what will happen with women that don't have fathers is they'll either date really older men and they kind of fetishize. Yeah, they fetishize old men. So they'll be like 15 years old and having a crush on, I don't know, an old man that they see on TV, maybe like a Simon Cowell or something like that. They'll have a crush on an old man because they didn't get that father figure. Or what they'll do is compensate for that lack of father figure by seeking validation from several men at the same time, but not loving them.

50:55Now, you have to experience being loved by a man in the form of a daughter first before you can go on to love them as a wife. It just, you can't skip that step. So the reason I always will bring everything back down to men is feminism doesn't run in Kashmir, where I'm from, in Pakistan. It doesn't run. Why? Because the men are so strong in their household. What's happened in the Western world is the men allow the women to become the fathers. The men are more passive. The men let women and their daughters do whatever they want and they say, as long as you're happy, as long as you're happy. They don't say, I don't care if you're happy.

51:27You need to do what's good for you. Fuck your happiness. What's good for you? They don't say that. So without that experience, they can't train women to trust and respect men. Wow. What are the top three reasons relationships fail? I would say the first one is selecting poorly. The first and foremost is a poor selection and why that, anytime you speak to somebody who's going through a divorce, they'll always say to you, oh in the beginning or before we got married, this did happen, that did happen. So the main reason is you're the type of person that sees all the red flags and thinks that if you love her or him enough, you'll get through it.

52:04Sometimes you have to understand that you can love them, You might get married, but that red flag's not going anywhere. So just accept it. And your relationship will only work if you can accept the red flags that you saw in the beginning. If you can't accept them, at some point you won't be able to accept it any longer. So I would say selection is the main reason. And then the second or third? Second reason, I would say, is having a lack of appreciation. And that's becoming a lot more common because we are hijacked by algorithms. But not appreciating what your partner does for you then breeds resentment and anger.

52:35So it also reduces your connection and your intimacy. So if you genuinely see everything that your partner does in negative light and you can't be grateful for the good things that they do, you will always find yourself disconnected to them. So I think a lack of appreciation. And the final thing I would say is keeping alternatives open. People who stay together quite some time, they find it easy to be monogamous. They find it easy to ward off alternatives. That's not difficult for them. What's really difficult is people who have never been monogamous, who've always been tempted by other people, then choose to get married.

53:08Marriage is for monogamous people. It's not for people who find monogamy difficult. If you find monogamy difficult, no problem, but just don't be married. It's probably not for you. But if you're the type of person who naturally finds it easy to be faithful, go ahead and get married. You won't find it too difficult. Are you kind of like a modern-day pick-up artist coach? Do you think I am? Well, I'm asking you. I would say I'm the modern day masculinity coach. I know lots of men are like, oh, what can women tell you about masculinity? What can women ever know about masculinity? The reason we know is because we know what we respond to and we know what we don't respond to.

53:42And the only thing women respond to is masculinity, nothing else. I'll meet men that go to therapy and I'll have a couple and he'll say, you know, she doesn't respect me and she dismisses my feelings and my feelings are valid and blah, blah. And I said, look, the only thing, and I've gone to therapy and I've done work to myself and he talks like this. I said, look, the only thing women respect is masculinity. Nothing else. You can be a therapist in the making. You can be a billionaire. But if you're not masculine in either of those areas, if you're like, you know, if you're like a Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg, you might be a billionaire.

54:14But if you're not masculine enough, you won't have enough sex appeal to keep her interested in you. And I think that's what men forget, that it's the only thing women respond to is masculinity. And what is masculinity? The ability to provide, protect, and have children. That's it. Be a responsible man. That's all it really is. It doesn't involve writing poems and going to therapy for hours on end and all of this nonsense. It's just, are you providing? Are you protecting? Are you procreating? Beyond that, it also just means being less emotional and more logical. I know people are telling you, you need to be emotional, you need to be sensitive.

54:46Now, the truth is women don't respond well to men who are sensitive. They don't respond to men who know all their problems. They respond to men who can solve all their own problems. So the more of a problem solver you are and the more masculine you are, you'll be fine. What do you think? I mean, you would know what women want more than I do because I'm not a woman. And also you're a therapist, so I guess you've had many men as clients. So you would know that part. I suppose in terms of being a man and what masculinity is because that's a hot topic right now and I think there's all these people who call themselves alpha and sigma males.

55:28I just don't think that's what masculinity is. I think we've got to get rid of all this bravado. I definitely think someone who can solve problems for someone. Like if you're the leader of a company and you're very good at solving problems, you're going to attract good staff. So I definitely think I'm a very good problem solver. I agree that it's quite feminine to wallow in and go through and bathe in all your emotions. And I think that that's a feminine trait. Yeah. Not a masculine trait. Yeah. And, you know, my son's 14 and I'm now seriously thinking, do I have to teach him how to fight and defend himself where it used to be safe in Peterborough?

56:12And now outside a shopping centre, the biggest shopping centre in Peterborough in broad daylight, you've got teenagers stamping on other teenagers' heads. Awful. And, you know, you go to London, you wear a nice watch, you could get stabbed and murdered for that. So I think, yeah, as a dad teaching your children to look after themselves. You talk a lot about, people talk a lot about, you know, how you teach a child. For me, I think it's just preparing them for how the world is. Yeah, and I think that's the main thing. A lot of will teach you that you just have to give them unconditional love. Lots of unconditional love.

56:54Lots of unconditional love. You've got to, you know, validate their feelings. And then, you know, then they'll feel loved. And as long as they feel loved, it's all good. The real world's not going to love you. The real world is probably going to hate you. So you give them love. Absolutely, you give them love. But the key is, like, again, I know I bring it back down to my culture a lot. But one thing I would say that I hated growing up, and I think I see it in Chinese families and Indian parents and Pakistani as well. they don't really care about like you becoming happy all they care about is get married have children be successful at you with education those three things and they've instilled that in you now western world will see that as narcissistic like you shouldn't do that you should just love them unconditionally but i think what that culture understood is by getting married having kids and focusing on your education and work a byproduct of that is you'll be happy a successful life is a happy life.

57:43But what the modern way of teaching you is a happy life first and then worry about success. But actually, happiness is an outcome of success. And they've got it the wrong way around. They don't want their kids to be successful anymore. They just want their kids to be happy, happy, love, love, love, love. They don't realize that children actually thrive when they are problem solving, when they are exerting their maximum effort, when they're trying their absolute best rather than being unconditionally accepted for all their nonsense. So I actually think that we need to take away the unconditional love obsession and replace it with you unconditionally want what's best for them even if they hate you in the moment and even if they dislike your parenting you know what's best for them and you encourage them to achieve that rather than just love them through every poor behavior that they might have which is why i see so many kids like confused with their gender confused with this and with their sexuality and it's because they have parents that will be like whatever you want whatever makes you happy kids don't even know what they want for dinner they don't even know if you take them to a restaurant with a big menu They don't know what to choose.

58:40So you're telling them you can choose your gender, you can choose who you be with, you can choose, you can choose, you can choose. Kids are not equipped for that. The whole point of having a parent is to help you filter out the bad decisions, to make better, streamline you to better ones because they've got the experience. So I think that that's one of the problems I'm seeing a lot with parenting. Yeah. So as a therapist specialising in masculinity, what is making men the most depressed? Their poor decision making. Always, always, always. is every time you are a man and you have any form of depression, it's usually just a couple of things.

59:13Number one thing is you're a poor decision maker. You take too long to make decisions or you make the bad decisions. You don't have a trust in your judgment. And why you don't have a trust in judgment is the second problem is because you're not a problem solver. You have a bunch of problems in your life. You think about them. You worry about them. But instead of making an executive decision to solve those problems, you will just stay stuck. And as a result, you're always doubting your own decision making because you don't know how to solve your own problems. And then I think, say, the final thing that causes them depression is when they don't fulfill their potential in life.

59:44They might be really intelligent, but because they don't have courage, they don't go out and do something really useful in business. Or they might have a really great body, but because they don't want to work out and they lose it, it's when they don't fulfill their potential, they're not great problem solvers and they're not good decision makers. They want to believe it's this biological thing that makes them depressed and it's this, you know, his dad, my dad didn't come to my soccer game when I was 14 and now I'm depressed. If there's men in Gaza that are like picking up their children from rubble who have managed to survive and not go through depression, there's children in Africa that have to eat.

1:00:16And I know people are like, oh, but you shouldn't compare problems. But the reason they don't have depression is because they're too busy solving problems. They're too busy decision-making, problem-solving, fulfilling their potential survival. They're doing what their brain designed them to do. Because you're not fulfilling your potential and not decision-making and not problem-solving, you have the luxury of being depressed and sad. When sadness should be, where do you have time? If you're really being responsible, looking after kids, looking after your family, you shouldn't be able to have the time to be as depressed, which I know they're going to hate in the comments.

1:00:50They can hate all their life. It's interesting you said, you're basically saying depression is a behaviour. It's a behaviour. It's a behaviour. You do the right things, your brain will follow. You don't listen to your brain and your brain's going to tell you a bunch of nonsense. But you do the right thing. So if you're a man that's depressed, look at your work schedule. Are you working as hard as you should be? Have you fulfilled your potential in work? Have you fulfilled your potential with your body? Have you made the right decisions in your life? Have you spent correctly? Trace everything down to a decision.

1:01:20Change that decision. You won't have depression, I promise you. You can stay on antidepressants for the rest of your life because your doctor told you your dad was a narcissist. But that's not the truth. So as a therapist, what's the most shocking thing you've heard a client say to you? I, you know, I've kind of seen everything and I've heard everything, but what I do see, a comment, I don't even like talking about it, but what I do see with a lot of men, young boys, they'll come to me nowadays and they'll say, my first sexual experience was with another boy and I'm not, I'm straight. And I'm like, why was it with another boy?

1:01:52Oh, we were just watching porn at the same time and then just started practicing and stuff like that. And I think that shocks me quite a lot because I didn't know that was a thing, but I think, and that kind of comes more and more common now that it's so accessible. Now that it's so accessible and they're sharing it with each other and this, that and the other, kids are kids. They don't know what they're doing. So I think that's something, and I thought it was really weird and I thought like, okay, maybe this is just a one-off. Then I heard Kanye West talk about it and how his first experience was with his male cousin and it's because they were watching porn together.

1:02:21So I would say that the way porn seeps into men is like a poison seeping into your blood that is really slowly, slowly, slowly working its way until you're totally damaged and destroyed. And that's what pornography does, just a really slow version of it. Wow. Has anyone ever hurt you? Yeah, lots of people. I would say lots of people. I've been hurt by parents and siblings and partner. I think I get hurt. I do get hurt. But one thing with me, I forgive very quickly. I get over things very, very quickly. So I get hurt. But I'm very good at realizing that I also say hurtful things. I also do hurtful things.

1:02:56So I'm not an angel. So just how I want people to give me grace, I tend to give people grace. And I'm just happier when I forgive quicker. So I get her, but I forgive quite quickly. Do you forgive quickly? I think so. I mean, I think forgiveness is a bit arrogant in some ways, because who are we to forgive them? I think probably the only person that could forgive is a God-like person who's never sinned so if I like oh I forgive you that positions me as superior to you so there's that and also I think forgiveness is really just setting yourself free yeah like if you did something if you did something to hurt me um I might go but actually pretty quick I'd go well um if everything is my fault and everything is my responsibility how did I create it and what was in my behavior that created it and um you know you obviously did it for your reasons and you probably didn't do it to hurt me you know they're saying hurt people hurt people so even people who really are narcissists yeah they're not really hurting you they're they're trying to alleviate their own pain yeah so yeah really I just try and let go yeah I'm like that I don't hold grudges I don't have I genuinely don't think about people for that long enough to hold the grudge.

1:04:21So when people are like, I need an apology and I'm still upset they did this 10 years ago, whatever it is, you're going to be miserable. I can't be around people, but like the brain is not working fast enough to move on from bad experiences. So holding grudges and stuff, I don't really have the time or energy for. I don't care about you enough to still think about what you've done. Yeah. That being said, in a relationship, what's the most you've been hurt? What happened? I have actually been quite lucky. If I'm being honest, I've been quite... You're going to show us some of you. Something. I've been relatively lucky.

1:04:53I would say I'm relatively lucky. And the only reason I'm lucky... Never been cheated on? No. Never? Not that I know of. You never know. In life, you never actually know. But it's not that I know of. But what I would say is not because I'm someone special. It's just that I can spot the sign so early. So you'd have to be a fool to think you're going to get away with it. So it would be like, you know, like some people might be like, oh, she disappeared for a couple of hours. Or he didn't call me all day. And he called me 2 p.m. the next day. if you do that with someone like me I'm going to tell her about your house I'm going to destroy your house what are you going to do so like you can't really risk that behavior with somebody like me so it doesn't mean I'm perfect it just means that um I I filter out people who want to take those risks I would filter it out and because I don't do it either I've never cheated on anything so I don't do it either so it's kind of like I know the traits of a cheater and I know the traits of a non-cheater because I can spot them so quickly so there's no point trying so I've been quite lucky have you been hurt or cheated on um I think we've all been hurt um I remember my first girlfriend my first love I don't think I've ever told this story so my yeah I mean I was the fattest kid in my year from age like 11 to 13 oh so I didn't get attention from women and that's all I wanted because I was obviously going through puberty at that time and getting really interested in women and I never got it and I developed these people pleasing conflict avoiding behaviors and then I lost all the weight and then girls started to be interested in me, which I was not used to at all.

1:06:23And it was like I would never believe if a girl was interested in me because I was never used to it. And then, yeah, this girl who was like, whenever all the guys talked about the top three hottest girls in the year, the one I got with was always in the top three. And I got her and I was like, wow. And, you know, I was like I got with her when I was 14 and then turned 15. And then I went on holiday over my birthday. And then when I came back, my birthday card from her was, you know, on the doorstep. And of course, I was so excited to get the birthday card because back then there was no, I didn't have a phone, you know, any social media.

1:07:04So if you went on holiday for two weeks with your family, you didn't talk to your girlfriend for two weeks. So I couldn't wait to get back to her. And I opened the card, look, she used to write long love letters to me and all of this. And it said, to you, from me. And I immediately knew she'd got with someone else. Why did you know that? Because she would write me long, lovely letters and everything. You know your instinct. It was my first ever experience, my instinct. And I opened it and it said, to you, from me. And I called her up and I went, what's going on? Oh, that's smart of you. Well, I mean, I just knew.

1:07:37And yeah, she'd got with my best friend. That was my first experience. of and yeah and that really hurt I actually ended up going back with her again and and I stayed friends with him and to this day I don't know if that was weakness or if that was my first experience of letting that stuff go yeah I think it was probably a bit of weakness but um also good to let it go and anyway I ended up getting back with her but I think it was a brilliant lesson and so So, yeah. So none of that stuff's ever happened to you? No, I haven't been so dramatic. Come on. I have never been so dramatic. I wish it would because then I could have something.

1:08:16But the only thing is, it's just that I have a temper on me, a real temper. Have you ever been with like a married man? Never. Never in my life. Why would I go down that route? But you might not know. He might lie to you for three months and then you might find out. When you're young, men are not married when you're young. It's kind of like when you're a bit older, that might happen. But when you're young, that never really is happening. Sometimes things just happen. You're three, six, 12 months in and then you find out. Not with somebody like me. I'm a detective. I really am a detective. It doesn't make it easy or better.

1:08:47It's just that I know what I'm getting. Inspector Khan. That would be a good brand. That would be a good brand because I just know what I'm getting. So it's very difficult for somebody to lie to me or hide things from me. It's quite difficult. You can try it, but it would be at your own risk. It would be really at your own risk because it's just like I'm not a messy kind of person. I try not to be with a messy, if something's a messy person, a messy situation, no problem. It's just not what I would be bothered to get involved with. So I try and avoid messiness, but then again, you never know. So I always say that, I always say as far as I know, if I knew more, you never know.

1:09:22But I personally have never been in that situation where I've caught text messages or I've, you know, walked in on something. I've actually never seen that situation. But I would always... Maybe it'd make you, it'd give you more skills and knowledge and experience. It probably would. I really think I miss it because one of the things I do say, I always make it out like it's so easy to walk away from somebody who cheats on you. I kind of make it out like, oh, but why would you, you know, like if you've never been cheated on. And that's why I think that it's actually quite a diluted experience because if you've never experienced it, how do you know?

1:09:51And all of my friends that are like similar to me or say, yeah, you should never, you know, you can easily just leave. They've also not experienced it. So if you've experienced it, then I think it's probably a bit better to give advice. if I'm being honest, it's probably better to take it from somebody who's actually experienced it. But from watching people in that experience, I know that when you do forgive any behavior, chances are it happens again. So only forgive behaviors that you don't mind if they occur again. And so if I did forgive my husband for cheating, I would expect him at some point probably to do it again.

1:10:20I wouldn't be naive and think, oh, he's never going to do this again. It will never happen. I'm going to assume that at some stage it might happen again. And I have to be okay with that if I'm going to accept it. Okay. Three biggest relationship fails, firstly, from men. Two passive, non-dominant, and that means in every regard. One of the biggest mistakes that men make is that they're not dominant enough. And what that does is does two things. Firstly, you attract women who are dominating. If you are a passive man and you're not dominant, you're going to attract a very dominant woman who likes that, because the average woman quite likes a little bit of dominance.

1:10:58So when you're going to attract a very dominant woman, the problem with being with a dominant woman is that even though she likes that she can dominate you because she's a strong woman and she kind of needs like a passive puppy, she can't respect it. So she'll like it because it makes her life easier. You'll just do everything she tells you to do. She doesn't have to worry about you cheating. You make her life easier. But she loses the respect and then you also lose sex appeal to her. So it works, but it also doesn't lead to respect and it doesn't lead to chemistry. So I'd say the first thing is to not be dominant enough.

1:11:32The second mistake I would make is being too lustful. So when you attach to women solely on their appearance because you think that she's the best you're going to get or because she's so hot or whatever it is, solely on appearance and nothing else, then you're going to always suffer because you're always going to become submissive. Because of that, you see put her on a pedestal, you're going to automatically become submissive and then she's going to lose respect and love for you. And the final thing I would say, this is not for the passive man but this is more for the men that are a bit more narcissistic is not showing appreciation when you do have a good woman the third mistake i really see is when they do have a good woman who really treats them well is really loyal is just wants a good easy life and you take her for granted and she's the one because she's not materialistic you think oh i don't need to buy anything she doesn't care or because she doesn't ask for a lot you give her your bare minimum because she doesn't ask for a lot it's when you take advantage of the good woman is the final mistake I would say they make.

1:12:26Okay. And then the three big relationship fails from women. I would say the big, oh, it's a bit trickier for me to talk from the women's perspective because I'm probably thinking about myself. But I would say the first mistake that you make is you ignore the red flags. And you think that, you know, if he's been with lots of women or if he's got an addiction or if he doesn't work or he's got some kind of problem, you think that it will get better. You think it will get better. You almost have to pick a man thinking he might never change. He might never change. Some do, you get very lucky, they completely change, but majority might not.

1:12:57So you have to pick him knowing that if you married him tomorrow, would you be okay with the behaviors he shows today? And if the answer is yes, he's perfectly fine, no problem. But if you're thinking no, but then I'm hoping the addiction will stop or the cheating will stop or he'll finally get a job, it's not going to change. So I would say the first thing is probably ignoring those red flags. Second thing I would say is, this is more for the women that are a little bit, you know, very loyal and loving, investing in men way more than they invest in you. So because you like him and you love him you're giving him your everything even though he's giving you very little in return And the final thing I would say if you're a woman that's on the other end is when you do have a good man You replace him for a man.

1:13:35That's more exciting when you have a good man Maybe he's not the most exciting person in the world, but he's a good man He treats you well and then you see this you know sexy Guy at the club or you meet this personal trainer that you have a crush on letting go of that good man for that toxic kind of man is another mistake that women make okay so we've got a little quick fire round now for the last few um would you rather date a bad boy or a nice guy and why bad boy why um nice guy i can't respect bad boy even though i don't like that behavior at least i respect that he's being himself but maybe a nice guy is being himself But then he's probably being nice and he's not being himself.

1:14:16Bad boy at least is taking the risk to be disliked. And because I can always, I respect people who are authentic and can be disliked because I do that myself. So I'd always respect a person who's willing to be hated than the guy that just wants to be liked. Okay. Wow. Why did you leave the UK? I don't like the energy in the UK. I don't like the way that the crime is so high. I don't like the fact that people aren't genuinely happy for each other. And I don't like the fact that I pay so much taxes and see none of my money coming back to me. And also, I don't like the weather. Whereas where I live now, I feel like no taxes.

1:14:53The government's super generous with you. There are flaws in every city. But as far as giving you a standard of living, I think Dubai is probably at the highest. What do you think of Andrew Tate's relationship advice? I think it works if you're not looking for marriage. If you're not looking for a marriage, an authentic relationship with children, and you're just looking for relationships, quick relationships, or people to have kids with, which might happen for a lot of men when they're super successful in marriage, it just doesn't fit their lifestyle. So if you're that kind of man and you're just looking for short-term kids and having excitement, it works perfectly fine.

1:15:28But if you're looking for a marriage and a more monotonous lifestyle, it won't work in your favour. What's your biggest failure or regret? my biggest failure I would say my temper as a person I'm quite a temperamental person I can lose my temper quite quickly and easily I come down for it very quickly and I lose it very quickly so I would say that it's a real regret every time I'm disrespectful every time I'm rude or every time I'm impulsive I hate that and I can't seem to control it and it hasn't changed over the years even as a teenager to now it just doesn't seem to calm down so that is my biggest failure I would Which you wouldn't expect, would you?

1:16:05You'd think I'd be a little bit more calm, but I'm actually a bitch. Well, I don't know you well enough to judge. This show is called Disruptors. What does that word mean to you? Someone who is willing to go against the majority to stand up for what they think is a better way of doing said task. And how do you deal with haters? You have some haters, don't you? I have a lot. I have a lot of haters. But one thing I would say is I'm lucky in the sense that the people I like and the people I respect and the content creators I really admire show me the same respect back. The people I find disgusting and the people that I find really gross are the people that really dislike me.

1:16:47So I look at the quality of the haters, and only if I was getting hate from people that I admire, I'd feel it. But if I'm getting it from people I actually look down on, I kind of don't really take it too bad. I'm quite strong with that. Okay. Well, thank you very much for being on the show. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much for having me. Where are you most active on socials and what work are you doing? I'm on Instagram, Sadia Psychology, and I'm also on TikTok and YouTube. Is that also Sadia Psychology? Sadia Psychology. And I have a program that is designed both for men and women about mastering masculinity and also making sure that your relationship, you master yourself, master the opposite sex, and then master relationships.

1:17:27And then I also do coaching. Where can people find out about that program? All on my website. yeah all of my so your website what's the URL for that sadiopsychology.com easy so sadiopsychology everything's there everything's there alright thank you so much thank you

1:18:00Bye.