Ankur Warikoo on People Living a Fake Life, Societal Pressure & Staying Poor | FO495 Raj Shamani

39:34Because Tata's like 120-year-old, Regacy, Dharis' work, nation building, what do you do? Ambani nation building is not doing it? How did I do it in 20 years? How did I do it? I came from ISB where I remember that we were in the top 20 institutions of the world. And people were like, what's the way? why are you in such hurry because the temperament was good things take time so you should be patience was a virtue patience was applauded it was considered as the noble value to have that if someone is impatient it's the same as that someone is running back after money because our life is a wrong thing to raise money is a good thing to raise money is a good thing to raise money is a good thing to give money to others.

40:29So, this is the only hope that comes in. But this generation is on demand. So, I don't blame this generation at all to be in a hurry. But tell me about the impatient conversation because I love that conversation. There are It's good that we have drawn this line because in your generation, we had to wait every person to wait for everything. So, the patient became it became a thing like it became a trait almost like a trait yes it was not a choice it was not it was not a choice it was a trait that it is so much so whatever you see from general traits like this is off yes so that's why you look down on us every that's why you look down on us every impatient person where is it going to be left similarly in our generation everything 10 minutes so we have to wait to see what is this what is this what is this what is this that is a conversation like when I look at my father or my mom who are successful in his life why am I so late why am I so late what did I do and it's just an obvious question so there are lines that we both are delusional there are few things however I've realized after reading talking learning and spending time with people that there are some things that you can't get impatient and that's what I wanted to like can we draw some line for people that yes, everything is great but there are some things where you may not get good results are there things?

42:17100 % there are at least in my experience absolutely number one would be love yeah so i was just coming to like relationship building you can't build it overnight with a swipe you can't you can't absolutely not and we all all of us we can be delusional about it that instantly we see someone's wipe feel spark feel yes but that's not love that is not love that it's just a chemical reaction that is just a chemical reaction so so one is love we should not be impatient about it but do you think that all of us are impatient. Our generation is very impatient for love. I think so. I certainly think so.

42:56A little bit polarizing split. One is what says that I need love instantly. And the dating apps haven't helped because everything becomes at the surface. Everything is superficial. You never get used to be a person's desire. You make a decision. You make a decision. and the truth about human psychology is if I see Raj in his photographs, I will build a certain persona of him Raj also knows that what the persona is, so he will also play that role so the masquerading and the nattak in the beginning of the world will actually look true so if he comes out of the way you will ignore it very easily because there is a blind spot you have worn a black color, so everything is black and that is how humans are we are very biased extremely biased and very rapidly all the time all the time and in the other country people come to me who say that I don't need them I am independent and I am sufficient and I am complete by myself so I neither I will do my standards or I will do my requirements slow and not I select mediocre person in a moment or do and these two splits are very interesting because this never happened at this level and that's why I know of so many single friends of mine who don't want to be in a relationship and I also know of so many friends of mine who went on two dates and got married.

44:49How is this going on? How are both things simultaneously happening? So, especially when it comes to love is, sorry, I'm giving it a mathematical construct. It's a two-by-two matrix. On the two-by-two matrix, there is a x-axis that you have spent time with this person. Little or more? Simple. So, not a lot, quite a lot. I should have drawn it. I'll keep it here for people. I will. absolutely want to do that. You want base? No, thank you so much. So, this two-by-two matrix, this access of time in relationship. So, let's say low and high. It's not much, it's much more. People think this is enough.

45:39They say, we're friends from 10 years. We're friends from 10 years. That's not enough because clearly 10-20 years later, things are not enough. So there a very important thing is what's called shared experiences. Okay. And I'll explain what that is. But it is different and similar. So let's say we meet one year later. You and I. So I remember when we did a podcast in February 23, 2026. And let's say there's an independent person out here who asks Raj. rate that experience and you give it a rating then you ask me rate that experience I give it a rating if the rating is similar then it is concrete then it is established if it is not similar it means you had two on ten I had eight on ten it was actually destructive and it doesn't matter how many times we have given it interesting thing so the most successful relationships in my experience are the ones that have had time and have had similar relationships this is a 10 on 10 so if you ask the husband what do you think about this relationship so far they'd be like 8 on 10 you ask the wife she'd be like 8 on 10 that relationship is a rock star relationship if you go on a vacation together and you ask the husband how was the vacation 8 on 10 you ask the wife 8 on 10 that vacation will stay forever.

47:15That relationship will stay. But it so often happens that you are doing the same experience. And one is like, and one is like, incredible. That relationship is breaking. It doesn't matter how long you are telling yourself. It is breaking. So most divorces happen here where you spend enough time but the experiences have been very different one was thinking that I am the best marriage one was thinking that I am the worst marriage one was thinking that I have time one was thinking that I can't give time one was thinking that I am the big father one was thinking that you are just an absent father it's almost as if you are living two different lives but how does this happen?

48:02it happens two people I'll put this I'll show this later but if two people are the seven long time yeah okay any relationship because I'm assuming that relationship are you talking only about love no I'm talking about friendships as well okay let's put it love first and then we'll go to friendships so it's a love relationship can be married only girlfriend boyfriend whatever we're putting love relationship two people are very long for 7 5 years 10 years 15 years whatever and for a long time for 7 and But if it feels bad, it will not be broken. It will feel bad when they will be in that direction.

48:52When they realize that one will be right and one will be wrong. At that point, it will feel bad when they will be wrong. But how is it that if it is so long time going to be, then someone feels like it is my best relationship. And someone feels like it is my best relationship. Because one side… How is the best and worst way to listen to it? How is it so long? Because one side stopped listening and one side stopped talking. So here's how it will happen. I'm teaching to a 28 who's not married. So this may sound like alien. Let's say you go for a dinner to friends. and let's say I am your wife and you are my husband we are going for your friends dinner you are very fun my friends my school they have all married their spouses I don't have a vibe I don't have a vibe your friends I don't have a vibe I don't have a vibe You have different things.

50:02You feel different. You usually don't give a speech in public settings but you are playing with the PCMC. It's fun. It's different. It's not a different thing. It's different. And then you are driving back. And you are like, incredible evening. It's fun. We should do it a lot more. and I let's say the first time it happens says it was okay like I'm not sure if I want to do it a lot more or not and then you instantly go like but in your friends I'll come too I don't spoil sport like I'm saying I'll say I'll say this is not done don't spoil please so somewhere you realize or I realize that I can't share with you so I won't do it next time so you will say one more let's go with friends maybe I'll go with the third maybe I'll go with the fourth but I'll go with the fourth but in your mind that experience was a 9 on 10 in my mind that experience was a 2 on 10 if it came to a conversation the conversation didn't happen because one side stopped listening so one side stopped talking and now that extends to pick any life circumstance kuch bhi ho sakta hai but why am I not able to see me as a human being agar meh meri partner ke sath ho aur meh kisiche se bhoat khush ho and meri partner nahi hai mujhe kyun nahi dikhh raha hai yeh kiho khush nahi hai kyunki tumne apne dimaag mein yeh bola hoa hai ki ar bhoat baar aisa tha jam mein bhi khush nahi tha aur mehne sacrifice kiya so I even can negotiate it's not from point of vengeance it's a point of if I am understanding then I expect the other side to also be understanding and two people cannot have the same level of understanding it can't happen so somewhere something will come somewhere something will come somewhere that difference over a long period of time becomes big so

52:21when you don't want to But you are required to say yes. So, you get resentment. And resentment doesn't come one day. Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little. It's a day that makes it one day. So, resentment is the biggest reason why relationships fail. because I feel resentful towards how you have treated me, stopped listening to me and you would feel the same way, let's say for me. And it was because I was forced to say yes when I wanted to say no.

53:06So, two people, this can go for long, right? And the relationship is very good for one person, the relationship is very bad for one person compromise Correct and definitively capacifies And don't know Okay so now who do you feel who's at fault don't know don't know if break divorce break up somebody will initiate who will initiate that you will not be happy I can't be so sad with a person or who will initiate who will initiate So data says that majority divorces are initiated by women. I think this is true because they usually compromise.

54:14And also conditioning in our society is definitely that your voice doesn't matter.

54:45I'm so wrong. You're saying the statement is wrong or what's happening is wrong? yeah what's happening is wrong see that's truth in what you're saying I agree with that fact but it is 100 % it is absolutely wrong 100 % but what we need to understand is that this conditioning is a very subconscious layer where you see your mother that she was eating in the food before she was eating before she was sleeping before she was sleeping up to you, then you were able to get up, etc. So, in your mind, that is the right way to live. And that's the right value system for a woman. So, in a relationship, if you tell me, you had a party with your friends, you can't come with me in a month, if you come with me, I want you to come with me.

55:44And you're not wrong. You actually feel and you want to include me in this. But I don't like that company. I will be told by my subconscious conditioning कि मानलो ये बात क्योंकि इस बात को मानने से घर बना रहेगा वो खुश रहेंगे उनकी खुशी में तुमारी खुशी है और सही तो बोल रहे हैं महीने में एक बार करने से कोई फरक पड़ेगा ने so he won't be married in the first month he won't be married in the first year but every month every one of the people when you leave 10 years will become resentment and that resentment will trigger for that conversation that it will not be able to so now who's wrong what do you think is that fault because it will be very easy to say that the fault is of the person who chose not to set the boundary in the first place because the boundary was the last 10 years very important.

56:40Before the concept was not the boundary. The boundary means that if we were to get the boundary but the boundary of the concept of relationships we never heard. Today we have everything boundary, boundary, boundary. So boundary set is the most difficult thing in our culture and our country. It's not a very difficult thing. I think it's important and I will not do this or not.

57:33that could be an explanation but if you look at the history of why that happened in the first place in my opinion that will be unfair as well that's why I'm saying that it's very difficult to say who's wrong it's both because as I said someone has stopped listening someone has stopped talking tell me in this now a point comes to where people which is the word is selfish that they are in a relationship they are very happy, they are very love they are very sad, they are very promises they live together, they do a lot of things together and at one point someone realizes that this is a bad relationship to others it seems like it's the best relationship right they both are in this then who feels like this bad relationship says that I want to go out and divorce and break up etc that person is being selfish right do you think selfish is a wrong thing no I don't think so because then whole society and everybody would look down on this person sure

58:53all of a sudden how India was very involved in India. You are in US, UK. It's a different thing. Now, you're not only a partner. You're not a girlfriend or wife. You're the owners of your family. You're the friends of his family. But for everything, you're selfish. So, you've done a wrong job. Don't you think it's wrong? And that's exactly why bad managers continue to remain. and they don't break this concept is very new but is it wrong to do it what will your partner do after 15 years she has made a life because she has made a life and she is not wrong either because she has sacrificed her dream her identity because you are an entrepreneur or maybe whatever etc she was looking at your happiness she wanted to see.

59:51Correct. She wanted to see her growth in your growth. She wanted to see all things for you. And you became the epicenter of everything. Correct. And she was always there like a fierce strong woman out there for you. And then now you're saying that you don't like it. Exactly. Isn't that you are completely wrong in a selfish? Being selfish in my head is not wrong. For the simple reason that until you

1:00:22you can't keep yourself in a cup and I will qualify what I mean by that you won't keep yourself in a cup until you can't be in any cup in any other cup what I extend that to in relationships is selfishness is not about that I will do what I want to do without caring about what the other person thinks or cares about I don't have to change the world. The world is outside. I have to do myself. That's not selfish. That is in fact, lack of empathy, lack of any emotional quotient in you, lack of understanding of human relationships in the first place. I feel, this is my definition, selfish is that I will not feel guilty placing myself and my needs in front of others while ensuring that those needs don't hamper somebody else's needs, somebody else's desires, somebody else's world.

1:01:21Shadi, selfishness is the end of all. In the beginning, it's love. It's love. It's love. It's love. It's love. It's love. It's so many things. But, as I said, one person hears and hears. One person hears. One person hears. It's wrong. It's wrong. But, because he's two different people, completely they have nothing more to give nothing more to give whatever everything was done everything was done everything was done now that person you can't expect one thing so if that person if he's standing up and saying I don't want to be in this marriage in my opinion that person is not selfish that person is saying I have nothing more to give and all that you have asked for is just for me to give.

1:02:22If you had given, I would have had something to fill my cup so that I could give back. But what is your case? It seems that that person has given you everything. Absolutely. Which is why if you have tried to explain that and that person didn't listen and at some point of time you stopped giving that feedback, both of you are at fault. and there's a lot of times that this thought you must make sure that you never get that conversation you will persist which is why bad marriages continue there's no reason why if you really think about it that how can you your whole life you get to know in a wrong relationship how is that possible we get a life we don't know that we will get back

1:03:19how is that possible only two reasons in my head number one you don't trust yourself you are so grateful financially, emotionally, socially whatever it is that you don't trust yourself to be independent and be on your feet number two which I think is an equally big reason is you feel like if you are out of this relationship then you will be selfish and you will be wrong for your children because they will be the same for your family which will listen to your family that you see the son of a baby that married married that you see the family that you see the same that you see the same that you see the same you are the perfect couple you look so great so it is both I don't believe in myself and I am not ready to face what the world will think of make me look like it's easier I'll just gulp the bitter medicine and live I respect a lot all of a sudden our father's generation and ours too.

1:04:32I don't tell you why based on the same conversation. Because our father's generation didn't know that I was passing through the things, we say boundaries, avoidance, anxiousness, dismissive. this. Nothing. It's just that it's a marriage so you have to adjust everything. They have to adjust everything like convenience. So it was good, bad, bad, anything. So they were so brave to just live by it forever and still figure out a way that we can better ourselves. So that's brave. But today when we know how it's like we should not live in that we should not live like that because we should not see that as wrong or right we should just be like they didn't have vocabulary they didn't know we knew it so we didn't live now that if you are brave and talking about it then it should not be looked down that time was different today I would respect both the people you have to it's not about looking down on anyone I don't think I don't think In fact, I will add another thing In my own generation of parents That We don't realize this Irrespective of how difficult Our life is Where we are from What we are staying That our parents There was no time To think about this It was constant survival Constant survival Where will the kids Where will the fees Where will the food Where will the food Where will the food ka kaan se aayega business kaise chalega, dukaan kaise chalega, naukari kaise raheegi, everything was constantly about survival and I do feel this is me saying something which is perhaps politically incorrect or shayad bhoat trolling hooghi iski wajah se mujhe genuinely asa lagta ki khali dimaag shaitan ka ghar hai and aaj ke zamanay mein humarapas bhoat khali time hai humarai dimaag khali hai so when we are with the same we are studying with the same and increasing air conditioning everything is on demand

1:07:02everything is on click click click we are spending our time one, building the vocabulary that we didn't choose to but it came in our mind two, also consuming things about us that we were not aware of so with so many collective knowledge relationships about our Instagram is real so we have not had any expertise that we have made many years of relationship and we have made many years of relationship and people have a point of view on relationships how is it? Instagram is coming YouTube is coming and that's the brain has ruminated that okay, this is how we have seen this is how we have seen and And that is not something which our parents had the luxury of.

1:07:50They had no content, no time, no need. And I like to believe this, which is where the unpopular opinion is that if we keep our mind genuinely busy, we would not have the level of mental health crisis that we have in the world today. a large part of our chaos in the head is because we have allowed our minds to ruminate more than we should have to wander more than we should have to go into territories that are unexplored are dangerous are not within our control and we have just fed our mind with a diet that we did not know how it would affect us I agree i agree and people who are gonna be uncomfortable with this thought they also know they also know that there's truth in it so they're just gonna not be able to digest it but tell me one more thing which is first i'll talk about parents generation and then i'll talk ours because you said a different version of the second thing first i didn't know it was adjusting compromise okay that was one part so we don't want to do that is this generation we'll come to that second important that the world is how we see this is a very important thing for every generation more in our parents why why do you think that our parents need so much that everyone has seen the world what will be said what will be said everyone constantly they want to be liked I really don't have an answer but if I have to speculate about this I think that our faith and religion tells us that it's good with good people it's taught that do good and don't do good this is our core tenet so when we are in that every line our mind says that people help others have to be able to cure your gut through algo億 sacrifice sacrifice like that a salary will put a couple to church keep Muay's crib log on from because that will in some way feed back there is something called karma it will ultimately happen I don't know if you've heard this from your parents I've heard this a lot from my parents that in this life maybe that person has not done good with me but God is watching everyday God is watching it's a constant reminder in the house so if God is watching it's a very very powerful driver of action.

1:11:03You have to be morally righteous. You have to be morally righteous and the biggest definition of that is that if anyone is not watching whether I will do the right thing or not. It's an incredibly powerful way of looking at this. It's not a matter of whether I will get it or not. It's not a matter of whether I cheat on the exam or not. It's a matter of whether anyone is not watching whether I will do the right thing or not. So that really held I feel an entire generation or an entire country together for the longest time and still holds. I don't think that that is going away somewhere. Lekin a little adjustment that we will donate a little Tuesday and not eat non-wish so it will go.

1:11:43The second thing is I do feel that people inherently were nicer because the communities were tighter. You were not an isolated island. You never know when you can learn about it. you never know who will be in which time you will be able to help you so every person in small and small small cities every person has to help you because that person will help you to help you if you look at our parents in Bombay Delhi so it will not be enough as much as it will be in Indore in Kanpur in order of the boat because everybody somehow knows everybody yes so you are helping everyone is helping everyone is helping somewhere you will go somewhere you will go somewhere you will go 4 people will go 5 people will go to hospital 6 people will go to your home phone to your home everything will go it's almost like a miracle but it happens because communities were a lot tighter they were not as isolated as we are right now and we all knew that we will work so we will come back and the third what I have told you, there is a person's desire, that I am not the one I think of myself, that I am not the one you think of, I am the one I think of, you think of me about it.

1:13:04So you would want other people to think nice of you. There is this really beautiful notion, almost like a Shah Rukh Khan movie in our head, that two people are talking about me, they don't know that I am around me, and they are talking about me about good things. from the world. It's a very, very beautiful thought. It's a very beautiful thought. I never thought about it. You gave it. I'll think.

1:13:34It's like, two people are like, I don't know that's a different thing. And they have no idea that you're around. Don't feel this in mind. But you overhear it and you're like, achieved. Like, arrived in life. And it was, it was, it was a lot in, in those times. Not so much anymore. And you'll also see, I don't know if you have, but culturally, in pop culture, movies were always about this. If you compare with the movies in the 70s, 80s, the biggest difference is the communalistic, if that's the right word, I don't even know, but the community angle to it as against the individual angle to it. Movies back then were all about family, were all about community, were all about together, and here it is all about me, my identity, my view, my world view.

1:14:28And if the feeding is happening on mass level, then clearly there will be a big impact. The question is, to be selfish in our mom and dad generation was a crime. It was a crime. And it still is. It is. It is incredibly, it is the surest way to hell. It is the surest way to hell. I mean, the way to go to the world is the way to go to yourself. Do you think yourself and go to the world. Go to yourself. Go to yourself. And do you think it's changing? It is certainly changing. Because we... Being selfish is okay. Where are... What do you think in newer generation, what do you see in our generation where people are okay with being selfish and where they are not?

1:15:15Because we also think about it's all bullshit. Yeah, exactly. I feel relationship wise, especially in the bigger cities, things are changing quite rapidly. You are seeing that you would go into relationships, particularly love relationships, without necessarily the agreement of your family. You would hold up to your side a lot more fearfully as against otherwise. If you go to arranged marriage, then your opinion matters a lot. matter and it's not that the mother has chosen to do it so that is also changing and I think the one area which in my experience has seen perhaps the biggest shift is the attitude towards money okay explain in our mother time money is a one was the survival, one was the basic necessities of your family.

1:16:23I don't know about your parents, but most parents shudder at the thought of spending money on themselves. Same. They don't get the same. Same. My mind is bad. Don't do it today. That the mother of India who can do the money on their own, you can't understand. he can do this and if weste do that justicia we shouldn't receives a couple of weeks and we lun twenty-five month it's going to do so much percent discount share hashar rupay rupay rupay की चीज तीज़ा रुपे की बोलूँगा क्योंकि अगर सही दाम बोल दिया तो सबसे पहली चीज यह आएगी कि तुम्हारा पैसा सर पे चड़ गया है तुम्हें फिजूल खर्ची की आधत पड़ गया तो the most non-gracious gift receivers in the world are Indian parents are Indian parents they can write a book on how to dismiss the gift from your most loved ones I ridiculed my house.

1:17:32I would like to give my dad. I would eat a lot. I'm like, it's just a normal shirt. Forget. I didn't even know that I gave my car. Absolutely. It's a shirt. It's a small phone or it's a shirt like something which I've... Who wears so many shirts? Who wears this shirt? No. This has been a shoe. Because here, you would not think twice before flying business for yourself. For buying it for your parents. Staying in a five-star hotel. Going for an experience which will be ridiculous. Like for one hour experience, you're paying like lakhs. Because you want to. You want it. That was not in our parents.

1:18:21It was not even money. If it was money, it wasn't a dream. So it never happened. do you think that this selfish conversation that parents were doing with the family maybe we don't do with the family but we do with the friends few people they want to be seen in a certain way in front of their circle and that's why they don't say do you feel yeah yeah that's it for sure yeah so we took a decision ultimately we are social animals like independent thinkers are very few so So we always influence someone. The question is that they are family, friends, husband, wife, children, society, social media. But influence is never zero.

1:19:12Never is. So we established that being selfish in a relationship is okay. It's not bad. I'd personally say yes. Let's talk about other things that people think in a relationship is bad. Or good. Whatever. It's good. Do you feel Relationship में Self respect होनी चाहिए Self esteem होनी चाहिए बहुत ज़रूरी है है? बहुत ज़रूरी है क्यो? Self respect This is a new concept Self respect First of all Self respect So what is the definition of self respect? Self respect Self respect is That you What you do with yourself That you do with yourself That you do with yourself Simple You keep the promises That you keep And make yourself Let's start with Individual self respect that you say that tomorrow morning I will go to gym gym and you go that adds to your self respect tomorrow I will eat good and you do it adds to your self respect tomorrow every friend's phone 1 hour in the middle and you do it self respect but one of the people who say that tomorrow will go to gym gym will not go another day another day will not go another day will not go so slowly you say that that you don't have to be able to do yourself.

1:20:25Why do I do your love? I will do that person's love and I will do what I think and I will do it. So, let's see. He said that he will become the number one podcaster. He will become a word. He has made it. He has made it. So, I will do that. Why do I do that? So, that is where the seed of self-respect goes in. Now, it's the same thing that manifests at a relationship level as well. So, let's go back to the same story that we were having. I am your baby and I had to say that that in this journey I will tell my God that's why not that I will tell my God that's why I feel like I will tell my God that I will also be happy if I keep my demands and my desires on the God and I will try to make a decision that I will make a decision but when I get a chance then I will stop and I will stop because I will take my mind that's why I am selfish

1:21:26and that is when self respect in the relationship starts to go down a lot of people say this that the most strong relationships are the most strong where mutual respect is and I would disagree that if you don't have a mutual respect, if you don't have a self-respect, then there is a mutual respect. It doesn't have a mutual respect. It's a mutual dependency. That I don't do the same for myself, that's why I do the same for you. And I do the same for you. I do the same for you. The same way, that who are the most broken people in relationship, who don't love themselves? Who don't love themselves, who always love others.

1:22:14They are the ones who are needy. They are the ones who are always looking for validation. They are the ones who are always saying, you don't love me. You won't leave me. You won't go. They are the ones who are also the most jealous. They are the ones who are most envious because they don't love themselves. They don't know how much their ability is. And that's why they are constantly surprised at the fact that you are like a person. And that is the first foundation of a relationship, self-respect. Once you have self-respect, then I'm like, you know what? You are so incredible in the way you think, in the way that you look at things, in the way that you do your things.

1:22:52I have so much to learn from you. I respect you for what you do. And I have the self-confidence and the self-respect that I can learn from you. That is an incredible relationship. But isn't in relationship, and this is me talking from a very idealistic world point of view. it's in a relationship Rosen is told that rose andESCO

1:23:19selt self respect ego self esteem rose is so�û don't sour in order toising which every night your day will be broken your partner will suffer at your when you get and see if he of that will that will gira ke us ke pas isn't that that's how healthy relationships are like at some point main her cheese pe yeh ni gar sakta ki yeh meri main aisa bola tha but main skender nahi kar sakta ya there are bad days absolutely jahan peh tum ek dem gira gira hoge bhi beg bhi karoge tum wo cheese karoge joh tumme nahi karani hai تم samdhe wale ko khush karne ke lihe compromise bhi karoge adjust bhi karoge in sub mein tumhara ego tumhahi self respect tumhahi self esteem bhoat ba compromise hoge and it's isn't that okay sometimes absolutely it is 100 % it is the difference Raj is do you do it willfully or are you expected to do it very good very good point yeah that is it that is just it so if you every day if you are wrong and I see that you are wrong I see that you are wrong and you are necessary in my life so I am with my desire whatever you say self respect or choices or desires, I will keep on one side and I will attend you.

1:24:44I do not have a crush on self-respect. It is not that I am self-respect or self-respect or self-respect and self-respect and I will beat you because I am doing good. I know that I am doing it because it is necessary. But if you beat me this feeling that when you were poor, I was in the office and I was in your office today when my day is bad you can't go with your friends and go with me you can't do that and then if you do that then you are going to be doing your self respect so it is simply are you doing willfully or are you expected exactly that's a good because I would think let's say if it's very natural to a couple of fights and if I I and my partner I was hurt and then my partner is like I don't talk to you I'm going to sit outside and then I can see her that she's hurting I don't know if it's my fault or if it's my fault nobody knows this because at that time it's like me I'm right and she's right and she's like she wants to leave and I just hug her and like crush she says that she probably doesn't see my face she doesn't talk to me but I have all my self respect and this is all ego ego and I am just holding her it's okay and I am sort of like for a moment if you want to call it I am begging her to not go if I have stopped her 2 minutes and I am going to take her and then she will be and then she will get normal and maybe after 10 minutes after we will have a very sane conversation.

1:26:36Correct. But if I have this time that my self-respect is my then we will get started from there. Yeah. But in this... If it becomes a pattern for 20 times probably this is toxic. True. But one of the times if it happens like this then it's okay. And I think you made the point you did it willfully. It wasn't expected. Another, a very subtle nuance is the way you described it is what is the opposite of self-respect? opposite it's a very interesting question what is self-respect opposite as I say self-respect opposite ego ego is actually the enemy of self-respect ego is not self-respect a lot of people think it is ego is a illusion that you create of who you are and the need for you to stick to that identity irrespective that is the ego so the ego is that I am this country and soon this world the biggest podcaster let's assume that so that is actually the biggest enemy because you say that I am saying my responsibility is good experience my responsibility is to learn to learn for me.

1:27:59My responsibility is that I am learning something. My responsibility is to remind me that I am the most low-income person. I am only learning to learn. This is my self-respect. This is my own self-respect. This is my own. But my ego tells me that I am big. My ego tells me that the country of the Pradhan Manthri has also been in my podcast. My ego tells me that I am on WhatsApp, which I talk about which people are doing their state my ego says that my life is successful so your ego will be your self-respect to go so if you willfully to say sorry and diffuse that is your you can self-respect because it hurts you that when I was living on this it meawi it is necessary that everything else can be done but your ego buffs willil Beaumont and if you don't you got wrong if you got wrong then if you have wrong it would be wrong to back only ridin people don't leave not keep not Lies that is where things break do you think it's not true a flip side to it because what you allow that is the habit so it doesn't happen that no one thinks if I have two times sorry I have to say why do I say the next time to me it's wrong like I hate it but I'm just saying thought experiment I think you're almost the same way that I would also concur with that I don't care about what pattern it forms because the test of the relationship is there will be no pattern formed.

1:30:05That is the test of the relationship. So I think this is, that if you have made a boundary in your life, any boundary. Let's say, a strange example that I talk about religion about talking about it. I feel like I'm a mystic. I feel like God is not a thing. But my partner deeply religious is. So I don't want to I don't want to that he's agnostic or atheist but I don't want to that he will be my religion on my own. I don't want to talk about religion. So I want to set a boundary that I am not comfortable having conversations around faith and religion. If that person doesn't respect that boundary, that is the test that that relationship is not done.

1:31:01A boundary is actually the best test for a relationship. But people are going to go and say that relationship will be So the same way, if you break a pattern, that it's not my fault, I'm asking for help. Let's break the pattern. That's the best test of relationship. That if the pattern breaks or not. Because if it's gone, and your partner is now always expecting you to apologize even when you're wrong, there was no relationship. It was always one-sided. But if the partner has the ability to say, that sometimes he breaks. I can do it too that's it this is the relationship this is the same it's exactly both sides without even expressing that that is the case now I'm making it sound very idealistic but what you need to recognize is that this is not only in one context this is in a very small context that you saw I gave it today I took it yesterday I took it I took it I took it I took it I took it in any random thing and I took it.

1:32:14So, this calculation is going on and the relationship is very big. Some, like we write in marriage, that Sharma Ji gave 1000 rupees, he gave it so that in their marriage, exactly the same inflation adjusted amount that doesn't work. No calculation is going on. There is no debit credit, there is no in this relationship. Everything is understood. I made a boundary and I respect it. This is the best test. tell me one thing because we are talking about

1:32:46keeping a score relationship I hate keeping scores in relationship by the way I think the relationship score 100 % completely aligned don't keep a count if you want relationship to succeed don't keep a count that these are the number of times I've taken you out on date these are numbers of time where I've forgiven you or I've fought and you've fought or you've done this stop counting the day you stop counting is the day you start building a relationship absolutely but a lot of people today because they don't have a little inconvenience they switch very quickly do you think it's attachment issues that it's some sort of like we've almost become agnostic to inconvenience like as a generation we see a little inconvenience dix tah hai toh hum behooti hum hum sehne ke rady nye like is that a problem there or it is it's a very very very big problem and he poori problem ki fasad ke jad mawap explain

1:33:56mawap ne apne bachon ko protect kiya in the name of hume joh nahi mila tha hum hum aapne bachon ho dhenge so you will see especially in big cities but almost everywhere economic strata change ہوتا ہے ma-baap a generation میں growth experience کرتے ہیں تھوڑی سی شمتہ آتی ہے پیسے آتے ہیں وغیرہ تو وہ اپنے بچوں کے لئے ایک دنیا بناتے ہیں اس دنیا میں ایک gated community آ جائے گی اس دنیا میں help آ جائے گا اس دنیا میں air conditioning آ جائے گی اس دنیا میں بڑیہ school آ جائیں گے اس دنیا میں 5 weeks after all day dried up for three years and if a child broke would select snake that was veryимral silicon do this where any level of that kids didn't develop physical or mental resilience when they don't bodies through experience unable to see difficulties as soon as benefits because nothing If you really think about it, if a person doesn't play any sport and lives like our life, how many times will he have to check his actual speech?

1:35:24Like I'm not making it a figurative idea about something. a whole generation doesn't know what the person is. Because they play or they run or they learn or they learn to go to the pool or they buy a bag or they buy a car or a bus or they buy a car. So these are physical attributes but these physical comfort can be very easily intellectual comfort. Where you don't know how to speak to strangers. You don't know how to learn a new thing. You don't know how to speak on stage. You don't know how to introduce yourself. You don't know how to form meaningful relationships. You don't know how to have difficult conversations.

1:36:17You don't know how to negotiate. You don't know how to handle a confrontation. So you do what is the basic human temperament run away because you don't need to face it somewhere you have a cushion so as if the work life balance changed a little then leave a job because the mother will be able to as if the relationship got a little difficult break up because it will start like if someone didn't make money or a stock market crash

1:36:59there is no idea of intellectual discomfort and that is something that I speak about actively especially when I speak to students that the one thing you can do in your life until you are in college for 3-4 years intellectually actually so uncomfortable that it doesn't have to be what you feel what you feel what you feel what you feel do that because some person has said that he will survive and there he will be the person who you want to be so this has become a habit like intellectually discomfort life discomfort this case we leave people and don't have to be deeper I I see truth in this and what is that point where people realize that I will accept this discomfort in the relationship and I will not do it because this can go two ways one can say that discomfort is necessary to be in the relationship and that will be better and that will be in the toxic relationship and the other extreme is that discomfort We will swipe right and we will not get anyone.

1:38:21Absolutely. The difference is

1:38:28willfully

1:38:32or forced upon which is the same thing we were discussing. Every thing is hard. So, a child is preparing for engineering

1:39:14Jamarок it's not in a toxic relationship. It's in an uncomfortable relationship which it knows is necessary to become comfortable at some point. The same journey that you are on, it's not comfortable. You make it comfortable because you're doing it by your will. But if I forced you to do it, if figuring out was an investor-funded company where you had a call every day about how many podcasts did this week, who called to people? Why did the president come to France now? Why did he not reach the target that you had made the last quarter? So you would be in a toxic career relationship. It would not be anywhere.

1:39:57Like you would not even ask for that I would become the world's number one podcaster. You would like, what kind of way I would leave this thing? That's the difference. Both are difficult. Both require hard work. Both require being uncomfortable. The question is whether you do it with your own will or not so a very beautiful Jerry Seinfeld comedian he had said this he's like everything in life will cause some stress will cause unhappiness will cause pain the question is what suffering are you willing to bear willing to bear because everything is suffering everything is suffering you want to get a good body suffering you want to get a good relationship suffering you want to have a great career suffering you want to get rich suffering everything is suffering choose your suffering just choose your suffering choose it willfully but how do we get to a point where people are okay with discomfort because people are not and I see people quitting and I myself in some kind of thing I am very okay to take sufferings and discomfort and in some kind of thing I am not you.

1:41:11And I lack in that area of my life. No, I don't. I wouldn't call that lacking. I would actually call that really smart filtering of what is important for you and what is not. Because in every thing, there is no need to win and there is no chance to win. So you have to pick your battles. You have to pick your battles. We are talking about in Blue Break. There are some things that you gave up that were just not aligned to what you want to do to be what you're doing right now. and that was also hard this is also hard but you chose your heart you just chose your heart so but how do I not make it not me just anyone in the in the world in relationships how do they so here's a thing right and I can tell you this my experience and all this is purely anecdotal okay same relationship same problem one day I feel very small and one day I feel very big so one day I feel discomfort or a little or a little thing this is part and I will tell it to me and this is okay and one day which day I am probably doing a lot of work and I am very stressed and very tired I am already fighting my battles that day that is why I don't understand it it is what I think in the days but he will think that.

1:42:39So I don't know which day is a true day. Is a true day and is a good day and I don't know that discomfort is big or small. Is it discomfort in willfully accept if I'm ready or not? It's such a complicated situation. It is. It is not easy to navigate this. Because the biggest reality is that today's life is unpredictable and is emotional. It's biased. how do you deal with this? I don't think there is any mechanism but just to realize a pattern over time it is not in that moment in that moment it will not come true but if a person genuinely wants to work on himself wants to make a good way wants to live a good life that of intention that of deliberation then they will reflect on it and they will not let it pass by they will not be like昨 night I have a person and I have a I have it will be better and we will be better today everything is okay because I feel like 99 % of people are living like this and if you are living then you don't do your work which I feel like is the most important thing for every person but that's 1 % that's the person I was not.

1:44:07I was not. I have never laughed at any person. I have never laughed at any time. What was going on? Because clearly, I didn't have laughed at that. It was not so big. You have to do anything else. You have to know what to do. If you don't do it, then I am running blind. And I feel these are the signs where you get to know that this is important for you. because what is not important for you you will never choose to reflect on it ever but what is important for you you will make time to reflect on it absolutely really but do you choose

1:44:47at what point do you say that this person I chose and now I want to make it work versus that this maybe relationship is not right for me and I either I am alone or single or I will come to another person in my life who will be better and will understand me. That is a very dangerous territory because it is no end. In the world, 700-800 crore people are so big. It is very big. And it will stay every time. So I will not risk that gamble. I think it's at some point what you need to settle down on. I'll tell you how I thought about it and I'm just lucky that it worked out for me in that sense. For me, the most important thing is that it should be aligned with value.

1:45:43Because if it's value alignment, then things will be resolved. Now what is the value alignment? Three things. One is respect. Which is self-respect. Respect others. Which context is respect. respect, but respect as a common value, incredibly important for me, because I am the same, and I want to give the person who is like this. Number two is money, and money is not that we need money or not need money, it is the attention of money. some people who use money for buying things some people who use money for experience some people who use money for buying money who can be happy without money who get happy with money what do you think?

1:46:30because I have money without money so I have never given so much so I know my life and I can live without money so money is a very beautiful thing but in life beyond a point it's not additional necessity certainly drive and the third is

1:46:55how you think about your own self for me it is incredibly important that the one I am with thinks very highly of themselves I don't want to be around people who don't have a lot of self worth or self respect because I have seen people in relationships trying to just fill the void of their partner that they could not fill themselves that I am not good I am not good I am not good I am not good I am not beautiful I am not beautiful whatever the case may be and the person in front of me is saying no no you are so nice no no you are so gorgeous no no you are so pretty you're so smart so you're constantly filling the void constantly filling the void and that will never because it can't be filled with others it can't be filled with yourself no one can't be filled with others in your life no one can't be filled with others he can only go with you I often say this the worst relationship is when you put the pressure of being happy on your partner that is the worst relationship the best relationship is when you are happy and you share that happiness with your partner.

1:48:18But you will see so many relationships where you have the responsibility of being happy. It's not my responsibility but your responsibility that you will keep me happy. And that is just recipe for disaster. Would you think it would be fair that someone is watching and watching that I don't share this whole thing and break up? It's very dangerous, right? because we are sitting here and we are doing our own and we are doing our own but it will impact but I really feel if it happens then the trigger should not be that you leave your relationship because it will be very bad the trigger should be that you may be talking about in the first time in that relationship with your partner because open up I feel on the same thing thanks for saying this I genuinely believe that people don't have relationship problem people have maintenance problem yeah they their relationship is just like every other relationship they don't treat it like it's a constant work they don't maintain it they don't actually put in the work to make sure that okay it needs a little oil it needs a little greasing it needs that it needs that and it needs constant reminder and constant work on an everyday basis it's like more of a because every relationship every year will be different and will be bad and good in its own way because the way i am today i will i was not like this yesterday and i'm not gonna be like this two years from now so i need to either declare communicate show understand listen reciprocate do 20 things together and keep maintaining this if I want to maintain this relationship so true I don't know what people do most of the people they are like relationship has a problem let me do something grand as a big gesture so it will be solved on vacation on dinner and I feel in my experience

1:50:25somebody who remembers your new habit that you like sipping chai on Wednesday somebody remembering that is way more powerful than somebody planning a vacation on Valentine's Day it is so true it is so true I'll tell you what is more important in a relationship just the same way you described it our summer vacation is important our Our dinner is important. Our Valentine's Day is important. Our anniversary is important. But the most important thing in the world is that when a person comes home, how does his partner welcome him? Yes. When they wake up to sleep at night, what do they say to each other?

1:51:24کو کیا بولتے ہیں جب وہ صبح سب سے پہلے اپنی آنکھ کھولتے ہیں تو وہ ایک دوسرے کو دیکھ کر کیا محسوس کرتے ہیں کیا بولتے ہیں جو یہ روز مرہ کی boring repetitive ordinary چیزیں ہیں یہی رشتہ ہے رشتہ وہ vacation نہیں ہے جو آپ کی instagram پہ جائے گا وہ دنیا آکے لئے ہے رشتہ وہ ہے جو آپ ہر روز محسوس کریں گے and it's the same thing with a career as well everyone thinks that salary is important everyone thinks that growth is important designation is important what these people feel at the end of every day that's what makes their career that's what makes it up so the ordinary boring things in a relationship they make the same relationship true they make the same relationship I agree with the with this thing I think with business startup career or relationship what you said is right like it's being seen and heard will always be valued more than somebody who's making you excited correct like it's good to be excited and occasionally it works it works but then overall wherever you'll feel more seen and heard whether it's a company or in a relationship you always choose that over absolutely temporary excitement.

1:52:47Absolutely. Absolutely. Very, very because at the end of it, people need this. That's what humans want. True. Tell me one last thing. Because I was talking about starting with Skyrim and I left the thread. You said you made a game in the world or people didn't make a game. And I read one of your tweets, I think somewhere, I think AI model repurposed. Tell me if you have said, like settling down is a game, is a business. You said that, right? I did, I did. Settling down is a business. What does it mean? We don't say the world, settle down, settle down. What does it mean? So, you will tell in a few weeks that you will prepare for an entrance exam and settle.

1:53:38So, you will pay for coaching, you will pay for hostel, you will pay for all of that. Then, when you are in that college you will be like you will take an education loan then you will get a job and you will get a job and people will say you are alive, you will buy a car so you will buy a car loan then people will say you will get a job so you will get a personal loan random people you will buy a food for 3 days by taking yourself then people will say that you will settle and you will buy a home and then you will take a loan. Then they will say, if you do a child, then you will pay for the children and you will pay for their school fees and you will pay for that.

1:54:25You will pay for that. You will pay for that insurance policy. You will pay for that investment plan. So if you think about it, at every stage, we've basically been sold what needs to be the next phase of this script. But surprisingly, that next phase always comes with us taking on additional burden financially then we are ready for or we should be taking at that time and we have completely normalized and legitimized that so it's totally normal like for a car it's totally normal for a personal loan it's totally normal for a wedding to pay a million crores to buy jewelry to buy people to buy people to buy other people to buy food it's totally normal you'll get a loan it's totally normal then you'll get education loan they will take it, it is absolutely normal.

1:55:15You will become coaching, it is absolutely normal. And it goes back to the same thing that we were talking about, forced labor, that we never stop and ask, when did it happen and why did it happen? Because it was not normal in this world. In the history of this world, a loan is a very recent phenomenon. In this country, a loan is a last 20-year-old phenomenon. money. Before you get loans, you didn't get loans. It was very hard. You didn't get loans. You were going to get credit card, you were going to get a credit card. You didn't get credit card. You didn't get credit card. Because you didn't get the ability to get the credit card.

1:55:54And if you got the money, you were getting money and people told you that your credit limit is 30 % of you. When you pay, you're not going to pay. But now, you're going to get credit card. so settling down is actually now a business model where we love the fact that people are eager to settle down because that simply means there'll be more money that they can afford pulled out into the system and they will be paid more they're getting ready and becoming a customer for the next cycle it is crazy like you won't know all things but you should know that as soon as you get started you will be in school school.

1:56:43All data is leaked. All data is leaked. The hospital is leaked. All data is leaked. You will be in a company. You will be in bank. You will open the current account. You will be in GST registration. You will be in CHIA. You will be in CHIA. You will be in the 9th century. akshaan में पहुँचेंगे आपको coaching institute से phone आना शुरू हो जाएगा आप जैसे ही आपका college med mission होगा आपको bank से phone आना शुरू हो जाएगे आप जैसे ही शादी करेंगे कहीं ना कहीं से some weird reason से लोगों को पता चल जाएगा कि यो शादी हो रही है एक point where you want to live in a wedding every single time you lived in a wedding you would reach a wedding how did you reach it?

1:57:31there is no database of wedding somewhere it is coming from somewhere it is the same thing that is now extending to virtually everything the information flow is absolutely robust super watertight in this country but it is just that who is getting the information now and then this bank scales will reach just the bank scales will reach it's our money kept in the bank that is lent back to us at a higher rate of interest I'm not saying that that is wrong it's a business model but one should be aware that that is a business model it is your money that you have parked in the bank earning 3 % that is given back to you at 8-9 % home loan education loan 10-12 % car loan 14-16 % personal loan this is your money say You are getting back.

1:58:20And its spread is someone's profit. And you are getting that thing every day. That if you have not done this, you have not arrived in life. Like I said, car is a status symbol. It is not about transport. But all of these things create a financial, psychological burden. Like psychological financial burden as well. On every more men than women. In today's world. Totally. Because that's the game. Every man has this financial burden in their head that he has to do a lot of work. He has to do a lot of work. And then I can't be seen failing. Correct. So these are the tick marks I need to have in order to be like, just to be considered as a man who's manly enough in the society.

1:59:03Just arrived in life. Yeah, just successful. Forget successful. Just like if I just want to be considered as a part of the... Not failure. Not successful. Not failure. Not failure.

1:59:43there's an African proverb which says

1:59:50a man's downfall begins when he gets distracted by love. Do you believe so? The wrong kind of love, yes. But the right kind of love will only apply. No, it's incredible that you say this because I have a very strong point of view on love. What is the objective of love? If we generally ask this, this is like total 28 to 45 conversation that what is the objective of love and I will say that I should be the objective of love that you should be a person in your life who can talk good open and open who keeps you happy who keeps you happy who keeps you happy you have a great moments you really enjoy and you look forward to spending time with that person that is the objective of love Now we see what happens in reality.

2:00:46It starts starting. It starts starting. It starts starting. Then you have called me. You forgot. You don't forget. You don't forget. You don't forget. You don't forget. You don't keep my mind in front of me. You don't keep my mind. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. So love is not a big deal. who was the objective of that journey that was not fulfilled so why would you be in this journey because that journey has become a journey and I personally feel that that journey doesn't get up from your life until that journey doesn't need to be in your life this is my heart take on it so I really feel that everybody who is in a relationship but feels that that relationship does not help them grow is doing disservice to that relationship they shouldn't be in that relationship so I don't agree with this proverb because it's a wrong path if it's a wrong path because the right path will never fall in love if it's true love you will only rise in love if it's true love that's certainly the case for me and I see enough and more cases where the relationship is made and big people are made and big because the relationship is wrong interesting on that thought thank you so much for being here again and every time I talk to you I have the similar feeling that why don't we do this we should I know like I'm busy you're busy or our calendars match not be aware.

2:02:38We should plan like six months in advance. We should totally, we should do this more often. We should do this into an annual ritual where we will update our yearly what are point of views that you changed in the last one year? What are my point of view that changed? It'll be fun. We should do it. And it's always like genuinely it's a pleasure talking to you because you're very well read. Like it's reflected every time I talk to you. Like it just and I have done a podcast with you so that it hasn't been uploaded yet. I don't know if you remember. Yes, I remember. I had a Zoom call in the room. Correct, correct.

2:03:13And in my office, it was very difficult audio and something. That didn't come through. It didn't come through. It didn't come through. It didn't come through. From now on, I think I learned a lot of things. And I'm going to leave a lot of threads. Which I should talk about. And it has not changed. Lovely. It's amazing. it's the same it's the same at my end as well I really feel that it's a last time when I was there I asked me to ask if the conversation was different because now it's become bigger and now they ask me the same thing how did it happen it's like one thing that hasn't changed and I have to tell you this and I'm really proud of you for this is you are in the conversation throughout like throughout even when you're glancing at your notes even when you're looking at your laptop you are in the conversation and that is such an incredible quality because undivided attention will take you so far my friend that you have no idea you have no idea one person who is distracted or not one person especially in today's world if distract not to be able to do it.

2:04:34It's won. It's won. It's won in the written form. Focus is the new IQ in today's world. And you are, as you repeatedly say, hyper-focused. Thank you. That is incredible. But tell me, give me a feedback. Because you've done it three times. No, this is the third time. Do you feel different? What difference did you feel from, let's say first of all, I won't count. Sure. Last time and this time. Your conversation flow was same. Your probing, your quality of probing, your curiosity of probing and also your ability to bring so many different aspects that you're experiencing to this conversation. That is increasingly getting better and better.

2:05:19Because you get perspective. I wouldn't blame you if you were not before and why are you now. You're still 28 and I keep telling you that. 29 now. I just keep saying 28. Oh my god. You're like, okay. I've lost it. My god. But you're 29 and you don't realize it, but you're incredibly young and you're very, very early in the game. And if you're so much experience, it will be enough. But for 29, you're gathering a lot more. You're processing a lot more and you're bringing that to every conversation, which is definitely something that I experienced for sure. Thank you. Liked it. see this is I really wish people should experience Ankur Varekudu way you have experienced and I don't I don't say that loosely and I no I appreciate that I absolutely there are people I wish people don't experience only really you who were only real audience who have maybe seen one or two clips they should experience you the way I was like it's a very different you very I really enjoy this thank you thank you so much thank you cheers absolutely cheers cheers my god how were you we meet after so long yes after so many things changed yes yet the same yet the same I'm great I'm great I can't complain every time I'm meeting you look younger like what are you doing what are you eating it's longevity hacks yeah what do you need to do this all these hacks It means like I get like five years older and you get like five years younger.

2:06:58I love the fact that it's almost like I have Sakshi told you. It feels like that it's slowly that it's getting out of the cocoon. Caterpillar is getting out of the way. And it's slowly that it's going to become a turtle. No, no. It's so much. It's so much. It's so much. It's so much. We need to learn and grow. Thank you so much for watching this episode. Until the end of the episode. Now, you have to do three things. Number one is subscribe to this channel. so that we bring you more valuable guests to you and ask them questions. Number two, tell me in comments that you are watching our podcast and to ask them questions.

2:07:40Number three, you must have to share this episode with someone who has a positive change in life. Because one conversation is enough for someone to change. I'll see you next time. Until then, keep figuring out.