Love Vs Arranged Marriage, Lust, Soulmate & Red Flags | Dr Madhumati Singh | FO354 Raj Shamani

33:45Obviously, you can't do a full version. Okay. but a basic version like I am a viewer and all viewers will do it with me and everybody take your pen and paper out paper pen and then we start your paper and you know your best friend and you are talking about it so this means to write your thoughts what you want to write so you write what is important for me on top of your title this is what you are going to write about what is important for me Okay. Let's start writing. Okay. I have written 10 things. Wow. Very good. Okay. Now in these items, the sound of similar sounding, similar, like similar will be.

34:29I'll tell you 10 things. I think it's similar, but still you, you tell. So, work, purpose and ambition, that is first. Then self-growth. Then adventure. Health and workout. out my cleaning eating like proper eating food nutrition is my health mom dad brother and my dog very important to manage me add it plus my few friends okay very close simple yeah then reading time which is me time very good very good then conferences and travel around the world from the best trainers this is a thing which I do a lot every month or every two months I would go and attend their workshops and conferences so that's a very important thing for me then once in a while movies I like watching them.

35:40Every time I'm excited about some new movie, I want to watch it. Then important is sleeping. So, I don't want to compromise. I will get to the end of the day where I'm not ready to compromise. I don't want to compromise at least 4-6 hours. I want to sleep. Do you snore? No, I don't. Oh, very important. Please. Very important. Sleep, you're right. and then my team members and their financial well-being sometimes it's like I will sacrifice my wants just to make sure that my team members have their responsibility which is above and beyond their salary and compensation so I don't want to stop that my partner will say why are people coming up and asking why are you giving so much money and asking him to pay his hand they are doing their own, I don't want to know okay, so many people are different yeah, exactly, many people are different majority of them are most of them have this health, sleep family family three or four factors value okay, tell me this you are the provider are you the provider?

37:04yeah, always always is okay good so this is also a provider room because some women believe that we would rather keep it equal I am equally a provider I don't mind having a partner who is you will not think about it no I mean if it is equal see provider means like the bread earner the man of the house but if he gains and gains good would I mind that no not at all would I what would I have to say oh this will get more and less I have never thought it a lot exactly I don't care if it is more important or significant so what's the correct word for it equality if there is equality I don't mind but if it is such that if it doesn't do anything do I mind playing the provider or no I don't expect it that it will get more than I will get more but if it does or does it do I will get more so I am equally happy so being on the same page basically we give this analogy, that the singles match is not, it is doubles.

38:12So that is one. And the most important part is transparency. A lot of couples have issues. I didn't tell everything, I didn't see her bank statement, and I didn't know everything about it. How important, again, what are the values, what are the things that are left? There are many, many points. But one thing comes, I used a word, equality. What does equality mean? what is the sense of two people being same, equal doesn't mean anything else. It means that that is the meaning of equality. It doesn't mean money. It doesn't mean that there is a problem that I'm older or I'm older or I'm older or I'm your husband.

38:58Equality is one. Now comes respect. That's why respect comes. And what does trust trust trust trust what is going on here in values? It's important. The integrity values, I didn't write it because that's the basic. That's like, it's starting from there. Okay. You trust me, I trust you. I trust you. You respect me, I respect you. You respect me, I respect you. This is a ground level. Yes, it's a ground level. It's starting from here. It's not going to be so much, we won't do this. Okay. Okay, okay. This is the ground level. You're right. So the biggest thing that is in the relationships, the most significant thing is need for control.

39:49And it starts off with very subtle things. I'm so happy you did this. I'm on top of the world. So the message is that if I do this, she's happy. Or the other thing is, if you do this, you will prove that you love me need for control including how you dress, what you wear who are your friends, who should be your friends need for control, where should your money go how should you be conducting yourself at work how you should not be, need for control unknowingly, you have seen

40:35we have some one person a go to now why do we go to the go to? can you think about it? that is definitely not in control that is an open set of choices preferably those choices are not five preferably that person gives you a choice that according to me one or two things pick your choice controlling person

41:10says i don't want that to happen i've seen other people who have very controlling and suffocating relationships yes that is actually in the short term it is called codependent relationships co-dependent is very nice sounds very good in the beginning it sounds very nice you know you make me happy so whatever you do makes me happy or unhappy stifling because then that responsibility is humongous and that is where the stifling begins if you've noticed couples fight more often with the you word, you statements you are this, you did this you did not do this, so initially that itself is a red flag by the way it's stifling just watching people you know I'm wearing my husband's choice of sari because he likes it

42:19I'm giving just a random example if your relationship if your relationship In the first session, your partner is a co-dependent relationship which does become stifling later on. Because this is what we call as the control mechanism. In fact, I still have a couple who are in therapy. It's been now six months, maybe more. In the initial first session itself, when we talked about co-dependency, they started to see one another. They said, we're okay. they weren't denied they said we don't want to talk about it don't talk about it we don't want to we are okay and this is most probably the second year of marriage sometimes they work too for people now they are getting to understand don't you think like I have seen in few places and I will give a basic example based on my I have two friends where the girl decides The girl decides what to wear, how to dress, how to dress and how to groom the overall The girl decides that the girl who gets the money, both are independent earning people Both are killing the industry The girl decides that the girl who gets the money will invest and how to control money How to put money in the place Because the girl's acumen of investment is much better And the girl's overall grooming, etiquette, manners All the good and good sense of style so they are dependent on this thing and now they have been 15 years and they have gone to a level where it's like an automatic function that doesn't know if they don't know what to do and they don't know if they don't put it and they are happy with each other codependent codependent is a very happy thing and that also makes you handicapped god forbid that's why i'm saying now who are these couples now i'll give you the reason why you have exactly support system simple language and support system this support system don't do this one day you can't do this they are the basic we're talking about rational and the reason but generally speaking as adults It's a person who dresses up the way he or she wants carry a different aura of confidence than a person who has been told or is dependent on.

44:57They carry a different sort of aura. And the reason being, let me explain. I know you were saying, no, Javani, it's not fun. No, no, go ahead. And the reason being is, it is not coming from within. And like I said, it's a very small, I'll give a small example. eat food I know what my husband will eat really just because you know something yesterday okay now in this case what are you doing okay you know based on your past you will eat those three things this itself gives me self importance I feel important I know and he also says yes baby you know self importance most of the time nothing wrong there's nothing wrong I understand nothing wrong but please remember Raj in time in time we will realize that we think that we feel that we don't feel that we feel and we feel there are more things I'll give an example is the the child says okay I allow because my mother feels good about it mother said I wish I had known he is doing it to make me feel good because that's not what I feel that's not what I feel every time maybe 8 or 10 times I think it's responsibility he says could be that 7 out of 10 times I feel nice but 3 times I don't so it is not 100 times it's not a blanket statement eventually self-dependency is what happens to you that if you are going to get out of your life you will basically surf you will be able to be a good surfer you will surf and you will not drown and then come up again and gasp and gag that's the only difference so okay now if everyone has made a value chart and wrote 10 or 7 or 8 things what should they do next now what do they do let's just say this is the question people ask their wedding if they are okay for this or not no, make a list and exchange and understand and reach a midway so like I have written for example work, purpose and ambition what does it mean?

47:21so that doesn't explain much so you can take up so she can have her list you can have your list exchange the list with each other and over a cup of coffee and say okay what is it tell me let's talk about your work aspirations what are your ambitions what is it what is your goal both ways you tell me your goal. Sometimes it's not necessary that we get answers sometimes we have to think about it. And then who's okay with all of these things? Oh yes to be at least knowing each other okay not okay there are a lot of things. Sometimes what happens? that some people say when we do workshops they say some things when we come you will see true that means you are giving yourself that margin which is fine okay and some people say that now because on the face of it there is a lot of pressure or there is not a normal red flag so people say yes yes we will manage that's what people do yeah that's not all you have to manage 7-8 points, you have to exchange no, no, after that people say yes, we will manage usually adjust to it when they are desperate because of XYZ reason to marry someone and society pressure, people pressure and they talk about their biological clock or something XYZ need they think I am very lonely and at that time they are desperate I will check everything, like this is good or good, do it is that right or wrong?

48:52Absolutely not. That's why we are talking about premarital counseling. And so you have made notes, written seven points, and now it's talking about values. So you have noticed this when you wrote values earlier. You have written ten. I have said, I have said, I have done more. And then you started writing. There were six other things which you wrote. That's what introspection is about. It's a serious matter. And not superfluous. It's not one layer. It takes time. So based on your experience, what are predictors? होते हैं, जिससे ते में top three predictors, जिससे आप यह predict कर सकते हो कि इनकी शादी चलेगी कि नहीं चलेगी.

49:26पहले होता है self, आपका self अगर centered है ना तो आप सब को जहिल रहते हो आप आपका center fixed होना चाहिए, स्थिर. Second person who is not rigid, judgmental overly flexible non-judgmental second third very important hard working and discipline this is very important but one partner disciplined and one partner not then then then then clashes come that I can't sleep on the weekend I don't know I don't know she says we get one weekend we get one we get a little time you go hyper you I don't she says lazy loaf you are I don't who is right here Just two different people. Eventually they will adjust.

50:2010 years later, 15. But after that, they will do it. So you feel, if both are hardworking, it's great. Yes. Work hard, play harder. Yeah. People I've seen. So similar. If both the partners are similar in terms of their, like I said, the approach to life. Some people are very, very easy going. what you wrote will happen it will happen you have a lot of tension why do you have to do something you have a lot of tension you don't know what tension is just the way a person is so the person cannot change it and do you think do you believe in concept of soulmates do you think they exist that two people are made in a way they will be together they will be together they will be together somebody love at first sight and then just all these butterflies and together everything is just meant to be soulmate is again one of those things which have been it's a nice marketing word and it carries through a lot of movies and books and stuff it has a lot of like I said a romantic idea itself so you don't believe that it's something that it's something it's something it's very important but it's something that's something that's something that's something that's something with time like two people sticking to the relationship for x number of years that so love is actually the test of time only it's not soda it's not a fizz no but sometimes it's not worth it that you have how long you have with someone it's not worth it how long you have how long you have relationship how long you have how long you have depth of relationship is in a very low time you are very close to someone because experiences the conversations the emotions you experience just just just with that you have maybe anger trauma love bad circumstances good circumstances multiple things different range of things you have done with that in a very low time so your relationship becomes very low then also you start falling in love what happens then love then it's

52:48if you see the definition of love again I repeat we go back to the same thing it is not what you receive that's it so you you meet somebody and in your interaction you come back saying I felt so nice that doesn't mean I felt so nice because he did this to me he did that to me that but yes love is love is what makes the world go round love is heady it is also a hormonal thing as we all know it and but yeah we are human beings so love is a beautiful thing it is here but we don't know that it is what is the kshan bhar ka hai like you said okay kuch relationships hain joh rahe lekin ab nahi koji baat nahi ap pyaar to ap sanjov sakte ho na ap man me ap usko rak sakte go those are the best moments of my life that's fine that's that was good and that's actually what we all aspire for and that's what maybe what you're talking about is soulmate and hum loog ki na aspirations ho this ideal beautiful world out there why not

54:11I want that my value system match but with the person whose love at first sight it just happens beautifully that you meet someone in childhood and then you just form a relationship and year on year your relationship becomes strong and you get into love you build a strong relationship over the years then that's why you married your childhood sweethearts and then with that your family continues It's a beautiful story, flowery, nice thing to have. It is. That is what everybody wants, don't you think? Absolutely right. And if you notice, where does it start from? Movies. No, it starts from those two people experiencing, like you said, experiencing and making memories.

54:56Now the same two people, because it's fulfilling them, fulfilling each other, is they continue, no? As you said, a childhood sweetheart to college. there is always a sense of go to that go to person so who is go to? who is go to? that is what we call which is mutually love flower it cannot be I give more I receive less and the person says the best thing to happen to me is this person is my life is my life partner of course but do you feel the movies that I have talked about romantic novels, movies this is the idea of a perfect love this is a lot of bad because it's setting people for disappointment anything which is kalpanic imagination is a dangerous place to be in it's good in a way and it's a dangerous place to be in we all aspire for if someone doesn't imagine we won't do that so I would say it's good I'm in the favor of walking on the tight rope kind of thing walking on the edge of the cliff no harm in that it's no point of being cautious and saying exactly so it's okay to each his own so then if you believe in romance then all those you know premarital counselling will be finished because then you don't be logical you are marrying someone for love not for seven components in my definition love is something which stands the test of time.

56:43Jis person ko aap ne jab mile thei pahli bar aur bhi sal baad, dasal baad, teen mahine baad woi same feeling aati that I'm so happy this person is in my life. And I'm not talking about the heady of going all gaga, gugu and soft. No, I'm talking about I am happy. Like I said to you, this is my go-to. That is love. Okay, what's the psychology behind people falling in love? What happens? Why does someone love someone? Why does this feeling come from thousands of people? Thousands of people, thousands of people, we meet so many people, we love each other, we don't love each other. Then you just start feeling like, wow, like this is it.

57:22Psychology behind falling in love is primarily the hormones. It is also genetic because some of our genetics are also passed on to us. Have you seen some people, you've heard someone who says, that we don't love anyone. Who are they? They are, like I said, partly, like I said, genetics. Again, there would be, of course, a neuro-psychiatrist. Emotional innam botein, Olu. Could be, yes. Yes, emotional blunting, yes. So, that's one thing. And second, like I said, the hormones. Again, that's also part of genetics and part of our growing up. Now, you'll ask what you're saying, what is it, falling in love?

58:03Falling in love basically like I said to you, it is basically the predominant what we call as oxytocin, dopamine. These are the main main which because of certain stimulus. It could be anything. It could be a person's face, smile. It could be the way a person smells, looks, hands, fingers. It could be anything. We call it love at first sight. That love is your feeling. And people say, are you mad? It's irrational. Love is blind. So love is blind. that those kind of things are primarily because of hormonal makeup and partly genetic to fear it's a lot of people who specifically like this and you don't have love to be a person I mean it's a person who will be but it's not everyone you have a feeling with someone and maybe that person is the most intelligent or not the most powerful or not the most beautiful or not the most physically attractive or not it's also true so when you're talking about the logical reasoning this love itself is not logic there is no logic involved like I said it's a combination of genetics and hormones now this is not logical this is chemistry exactly it has been found that people who have features similar to oneself may not be all but similar to oneself finds that person more attractive may not be all the features but similar thing yes some studies again like i said very interesting there are a lot of studies i've also read in the similar lines but i have similar features ka nahi suna nahi man like jo familiarity hoti hai jinke face mein ki oh meri meri mom ki jaisi dikhti hai ya meri sister ki jaisi dikhti hai ya meri brother jaisi dikhti hai meri dad jaisi dikhti hai ya unka goi personality trait dikhti hai apne partner me then you tend to fall in love more correct that also happens yes that happens like a lot more than hmm hmm to i say familiarity makes people fall in love hmm i also feel effort ka baut important role hota ho ga effort what kind of effort

1:00:32that consistent effort makes you fall in love with some other person that's like I said the love test of time I was talking about head over heels I've fallen for somebody like overtime or fallen because overtime is not fallen then fallen is a very like I said very chemical thing this is the one and I am I'm just crazy that's the daydream that's the imagination I'm talking about falling in love it's like I said a very hormonal thing very hormonal genetic thing falling in love is one but getting to grow in love is something else oh that's that is what everybody aspires for. And that is a stronger one.

1:01:18That's a stronger one. Like that color is good. That's the same. But you said that like head over heels that you've seen this. There are three parts. One is love. One is lust. And one is just like I'm attracted. How do you differentiate between this? Love can have lust as a component. but lust in itself does not have love nice hmm and how do you differentiate test of time only thing it's great to be lustful with your partner it's very important to have that's like I said in fact I believe in marital counselling sexual compatibility is the second most important so people always ask me the first one first I don't know to each his own i keep it open i don't know second one i know very well fair point fair point first can be to each their own based on their social condition absolutely could be anything so very important but lust in itself when we say the word lust is primarily sexual and physical in nature when we define lust

1:02:39of course it's possible friends with benefits keep it to that if your definition of the relationship is defined nothing wrong with it perfectly alright but one person is only feeling lust the other person starts feeling love

1:02:55we are not transparent human beings nothing wrong with lust it's important to be truthful and frank with your relationship which of course is another ball game altogether. We have masks, we manipulate, we do a lot of things, games people play as we say is where the problem lies. But lust, like I said, you were asking me the three things. What did you say? Attraction. Attraction, love, lust. So attraction leads to infatuation. It leads to lust and love. Okay. Attraction is important. It is important. Absolutely very important. Tell me, there was a conversation you were doing in the briefing, which was interesting to me.

1:03:37You said that this conversation was coming up a lot of times, body count. Yeah. What was this conversation? Why is, what is this conversation? By the way, I'm a little away from this. I've heard social media and internet that when your body count, people are always asking to ask another random walk spot. Just another word. But is it pre-marital counseling? like this conversation also? No, not really. Not really. It's all absolutely brand new. They don't. But does it matter that someone has been previously? Absolutely not. It doesn't matter. Body count is more like number crunching. You know, and it's just an ego boost.

1:04:19Sometimes even fake ego boost. You know, you've had sex with two and you say it's 22. Why do people say that? Why do you feel? Fake to be you know that whole ego thing you know understand a little why some people today are cool people who are different in the people in the boys and girls okay so boys and girls remember both I know a few boys especially younger ones who probably are also younger than my brother and who are like 22, 23 right those people become really cool and they think it's very cool if they have a higher number like it's and I'm like like why is it cool and even if you have done it why is it cool why is it cool 90 % of the times I know that what I'm telling you probably has never done anything

1:05:20people who have great relationships or great sexual life going on they don't boast about it exactly empty vessels make maximum noise Yeah, absolutely. That's the whole thing behind it. But what's the need to show off? Why do people do it? What is the need to show off? Need to show off. Basically, men are territorial in nature. Territorial means it's a sense of possessing. So when they talk of a sexual encounter of sorts, any kind, for them it's like they've been victorious. They've given them a trophy in their mind. this one is mine there is a sense of ownership also a sense so more trophies the better in their mind their brain operates more like that part of it and that is only in the teenage do you think does it make are girls more attracted to the boys who have had more encounters if they are doing and they are getting trophies about it.

1:06:26Like in the old days, the king said that so many castles have been made for me. So many kings have been conquered. So many kings have been telling me. So many encounters. Is it cool? Does it make them more desirable? First thing is, the girls never tell me. They will tell me if at all. Again, I repeat only for a short phase of life. So, the other girls feel superior? feel yeah I have these many victories we don't know what the victories are that's why okay but girls girls don't tell that no ways in fact that's another very strange thing when people get in a relationship what's the need to know how many guys or girls have you slept with what's the need give me top 3 red flags though if you have a other person then you don't Oh, red flags of a relationship.

1:07:26And this applies to both. Okay. Common. It's not a gender specific. Not in that order, just random. Lying. Addictions. Sense of entitlement. I'll explain what that is. Sense of entitlement. Understand. Understand. Sense of entitlement means

1:08:11My love is like nobody else. So, entitlement. Lack of accountability. Lack of accountability Unsexuality means

1:08:25your partner spoke a joke and you took a joke. Yes, I said, what happened to you? You also said a joke. I didn't have a joke. It means that you are true. What happened to you? Human beings are a joke. Everyone is a joke. Lack of no sorry here. I'm sorry I'll never do it again one partner gets violent on somebody hits the partner look I've been one year no sorry three times one time I forgot the love I don't remember that when you're angry I'm going to tell you I'm going to tell you you're a big fan you're a big fan big red flag please leave him away yeah absolutely like right now Lying is the biggest one.

1:09:19Biggest. We are in a relationship very often. You find out that this person is lying. You get to know and still you overlook. Because you are an empath and you tend to feel that. Like we say, benefit of doubt. No problem. That no problem is the problem. Is the problem. You spoke about addiction. If a partner is addicted, what should you marry her? It's difficult. It's difficult. alcoholics like I said alcoholics smoking usually they say I'll leave the time for marriage I'll leave the time I'll leave the time I'll leave the time this is so important I'm not addicted so when we leave it who is an alcoholic before the time this is I mean the drink the drink the drink the drink and the drink the drink doesn't get the drink and sleep at home and sleep at home Allah Allah doesn't do today basic controlled but sleep at home and sleep at home this is the difference you think it's okay I'm asking if it's okay or not I'm asking who's an alcoholic it's a definition what's it anybody who drinks alcohol falls in the spectrum of alcoholism it means spectrum is from 1 to 10 you if alcohol your lifestyle is what means if you have a minimum if you have a minimum then you are in the alcoholic spectrum you are in the spectrum if you have a spectrum where do you go moderate i believe in a life of moderation like buddhism i i believe in that whole there is no such perfection life we are looking at so it's like in moderation whatever works and one partner that's again between the two of them if suppose she says value merely important okay and smokers same thing it's transparency but smokers usually i've seen this in couples starting avoid the partner doesn't like the partner does and he will leave and then the partner also will leave and then he can tell exactly do you think that's right see I repeat again if your happiness in the relationship is going to lie in what the other person is doing you are going to go through the roller coaster but if your happiness primarily lies in your hands which means you don't control that person that person is not to be able to like I repeated right I said in the beginning when you become a complete person you don't need to control others the problem comes there where we feel I know more what I should be doing for my partner.

1:12:13Then the partner knows himself or herself. That is a myth. With multiple relationships, multiple partners in the past, can that person be trusted for a stable relationship in future with only one person? Somebody who is absolutely not had one or two relationships, maybe one gets married, doesn't mean that he will not be attracted. he can have multiple extra marital affairs in fact these are serious who say that we are studying we are not a girlfriend we will get married soon we will get married now we have the moj so we will talk about marriage we will talk about marriage so see yeah yeah business families yeah yeah boys get married early and they said we have no moj now you know extra marital there is an app which is for married people it's a big thing it's a big thing complete chaos but why do people not do it it's better to then break off they want butter on both sides of the bread you are stable at home social in our country by the way social stigma is a lot in the west there is no problem there is no problem let's go here there is laws here to be like, you can't do this at home.

1:13:38You'll get fucked if you're a man. Correct. And there have been cases where you get to meet on the matrimony site and you've gone on a date. They didn't do anything. They didn't do anything. They rejected me. They didn't understand me. They told me, give me money or else you'll give my next wedding. I was involved in one meeting. I was involved in it. case you have promised you have promised and then you took advantage of me wow and this is an insight by a matrimonial site and they request that man is writing in support that this is happening please don't do it wow it's a major problem in the country for a lot of things now it's growing mind blowing okay we were talking about what kind of partner one of your favorite topics is narcissism.

1:14:37Narcissists are growing up. In fact, I believe all narcissists are in our limit. Correct. Every person, you or I am, everyone who are watching are narcissists. Whose personality disorder is become a different thing. So tell me, narcissists are married to a partner. So first thing is, narcissistic spectrum, we all come together. So we are not different. First point. Now come to your point, when is this disorder? when is the disorder? This disorder is the things that we have talked about red flags. Narcissus is primarily four prime aims. We say that what is the meaning of their how do they operate?

1:15:16Four prime aims. First is fuel. Fuel means any response from a human being they call fuel. I'll explain what that means. Second one is character traits Sorry, second one is need for control Need for control He is on top of either a conversation or decision or something He will keep my mind on top He is happy to be a narcissist He will show his narcissistic rage and he will not do it So need for control and the third one is character traits narcissists they have this masks that they wear so which means they are very good at picking up accents, clothes they copy now you will say don't we all copy that we do but we also have an ability to say this is my original self I am wearing somebody else's you don't become that person they tend to pick up certain characteristics.

1:16:30They will start talking about that person as if they are that person. In there, slowly as you begin to know and you hear, that's what I said that there is a grandiosity about them. Will there be something and will there be something else? The fourth one is residual benefits. Oh, very important. How you can fulfill my needs. All the four things, by the way, happen at a subconscious level. Do they know? No. this is the scariest to know that they don't know what they are doing

1:17:15they don't need to know now the reason why is because they have zero empathy see when you know you need to do something when you figure out yourself self. They, whatever happens in their life when something good happens is because of themselves. They are so good. Something bad happens is because of the rest of the world. Lack of accountability. So when they are great, their brain doesn't allow them to introspect. Like for example, have you seen people say what are you looking at? She first knows how she is looking. So it doesn't bother her. Of course she will say thank you superfluously. But deep down.

1:17:58Whereas for a narcissist, every single input matters. Every single input. A narcissist cannot go anywhere unnoticed, including, Now, that's a very good habit. So, they patronize people. They patronize restaurants. They go to a particular, so they will say something. Now, whatever the person is giving them is fuel, whatever it is. And it's also sometimes negative fuel. Sometimes just for that toxic bond, they will do things to irritate the partner. So, character traits and residual benefits are, their brain does not work they will not connect with a person who doesn't work they don't come to the radar so if someone has identified these traits in their partner how do they stay with them it's first to say leave it, leave it but you can't run I know my request will be that understanding narcissism like you said right in the beginning it's not so easy to just say based on these few things now I've understood and now I'm out you will have to give it some time which means preferably start journaling what is it that you are regularly going through what are you going through what are the things that you're facing so it's a slow and steady process just go in for therapy go because it takes time don't take decisions just like that.

1:19:41Now comes narcissism narcissistic symptoms, narcissistic things and as a disorder. Disorder is somebody, like I said to you, where you think what I was before, the relationship and now I become something else. This wasn't me. Or it was. I have landed up becoming just like what he or she wanted me to be. To have a narcissist, you need an empath. one narcissist with another narcissist doesn't work maybe they don't see another one they can smell the narcissism and that's a threat because here there will be power control there will be power game let's go from here at once just an eye contact and they can make out so coming back to it's not always possible that you like we say we call it no contact regime sometimes it doesn't happen because we are economically dependent, social set up, small children, etc.

1:20:41So many reasons. So the way to do is to work on your empathic traits, set boundaries, set up some diary for yourself, also reduce your emotional thinking, emotions. Narcissist disorder only plays on emotions. Because they don't have emotions. So they are able to identify emotions from a distance. So coming back to emotional thinking How do you reduce the emotional thinking? By being very cut and dry and practical with the narcissist Minimum Bihas-bazi Empath is a big problem They are so good, righteous people So they are so good They cut their own Bihas-bazi If you want to trigger a narcissist Then you want to trigger a narcissist Empath Then you will say Your ex That was

1:21:37She will start to justify. I am not in touch with him. I don't know. She doesn't need to do that. He is loving the negative fuel. He is loving the... That's control. See? He's got the buttons to press. He knows what buttons to press. So reducing emotional thinking means you are not responding to things emotionally, but logically. For example, this example. That you are seeing one of your ex. Okay. Oh. Mirroring and leaving it. Okay, brother. You will be running. Whatever you think. Whatever you want to think. Shall we leave? I think we are finished with the party. I have an early morning meeting.

1:22:23Let's go. There are no emotions here. Just. So how you reduce your emotional thinking is what will. that won't change the narcissist it just disarms them they are not able to take control of you be practical so again practical share duties but it's difficult well overall I think if you want to live with another human being it's genuinely difficult and I think what challenge only makes it beautiful yes agreed Thank you so much for spending time with us. Thank you. And thank you for being here. Thank you. Thank you so much, Raj. I loved being here. It was wonderful. We keep wearing masks because of all the factors and conditions we have learned.

1:23:15Our mother and father, when we were talking about Pufa Ji, the conversation was coming in the room, we asked, how are you wearing masks? We also learned to wear such masks. And why am I talking about Pufa Ji? I don't know. I don't know. I know. Oh, you know? No, no, no. I can just see through. Oh, you can relate. Thank you so much for watching this episode until the end. Now, I have to do three things. First of all, subscribe to this channel. Because as much as you subscribe, we will get better and valuable guests for you. Number two, tell me in the comments what you liked in this episode. So that we can repeat the mistakes.

1:23:56And which guests you want to see on our podcast. class pere, so that we take them and give you more value. And number three, you must have to share this episode with someone else, because one conversation can change someone's life. I'll see you next time. Until then, keep figuring out.