Toxic Workplaces, Failing Marriages, Loneliness & India vs China - Sandeep Das | FO331 Raj Shamani

29:47So this is wrong. This is wrong. But you should understand that if you are 15 years recruiting, he will understand one word how much you know and how much you are. He will cross-question and answer not be able to do it. So it will get stuck if you are fired. It will get stuck. If you are fired, if you are fired, and if you are a small house, but you are working in that house, which people just know small work, no problem is not. In that small work, you do something new. Recruiter will see it. You go to the shop, you become a cashier, you put a QR code, it's enough. But it's enough efficiency to get it.

30:27The recruiter will appreciate it. But if you say that I have a friend with my friend, we have this, this is a joke, then one minute recruiter will take it. The size of the work doesn't matter. Work matters. Work matters. but when people are fired, they are demotivated there are two zones I have seen one is that okay, you will find another place that's a zone where people are very limited motivated, it's part of life, it's logical this company doesn't work out, it's another place it's all about someone else there are other two, one is that shock shock, shock shock, shock shock, shock shock, shock shock, shock shock, shock shock, shock shock, shock and the fact that there is no skill and intelligence that doesn't work.

31:12The fact that there is a danger. The people who have been doing revenge will tell me how to do this company. I will write on LinkedIn, I will do this, I will kill them, I will give them a name. Both negative energies take over. So, your logical brain doesn't make sense that I will travel, I will do a small job, I will do a big job. It's a simple fix. So how do we fix this? Simple fix. Look, the reality is that whatever you listen to the podcast, no one's permanent. This is what you keep saying. Tomorrow you can be fired. IIT in Bombay, IIM Ahmedabad, wherever you are. Tomorrow, anybody who is listening to the podcast, you can get fired.

31:56Number one. Whenever you start the year, like we are recording this podcast in January, please ask yourself a question. If my next year is coming, I will ask you what I will do next 6 months. Now I will ask you a question in life. But I will ask you a question in the night. If you will ask me 6 months later, I will ask you a question in your mind. If you have thought about yourself, and every year in January, I should ask you a question in your mind, that I will ask you what I will do. So when the event comes to the event, everybody loses their job. Then you will feel the shock. The second type of thing, you have told me, you know who I am, I will do this, I will do that.

32:36There's a research that says anger is important for success. Yeah. Anger is important for success. Viratakoli is a classical example. Someone goes and poke a lot like Viratakoli, and he kills 100. So, anger is important for success. But the thing is, you have to bring that anger in the right direction. If you go to the glass door and write a piece, it won't be a benefit. But if you go to the morning at 5 o 'clock, you will learn some skills, in 6 months, that anger will deliver results for you. so anger can channelize it is very important many people say that we have joined we have a company we have a very excited we have a very work and ambitious but then the company standard was very high so the company has become a burnout what do you feel why do you feel burnout why do you feel I have a different theory I'll tell you what do you think burnout why do you feel I think burnout is why it's that one is the one is the control and the other is that you don't aapne kam mein value nahi dhekha raha agar aap joh dhin mein 8-10 ghanate kam kare raha aap ko laga raha ki value hai value ka matlab kya hai for example Germany mein manufacturing mein loog bhot khush hain people who make Mercedes cars BMW cars to logo ko aek baar research kiya kiya ki ye factory workers joh itna low level ka kam kare itne khush kyu hai because they could see the output of their product meinne ek screw đala that BMW went to the car I put a small screw in the car it's like 20 ,000 cars so why they are so happy is because of their small input they can see where it fits into the larger scheme of things that is why manufacturing workers in Germany are so happy so the insight is if a company can handle young workers they have to say you have to make one slide but that slide where does it fit into the big picture of our product when the employee understands that my one slide is fit here automatically the job is coming in line because it's a big picture now it seems like this is one excel table but if tomorrow it will tell you that you are doing this excel table this will start out which region is priority this will launch a new product this will be two pieces of business the full picture will understand it then it will tell me that it will be more than my job so much is happening.

35:00That is the take on how you show an employee that what is your contribution to the company. That is one. So burnout will never happen till the employee has control and till the employee believes his work is adding value. Burnout will never happen. It makes sense. And I also think that burnout doesn't happen that you have to work a lot. Yeah. Or you are very stressed. Burnout is because you have an internal value emotional need met yeah like you want to be happy and you are getting to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get importance to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get or to get safety or family like feel or secure place if emotional need meet or growth can be there is a very big emotional need.

35:57When there is no need to meet, then burnout feels like not to be able to do more work. Many people do a lot of work and they feel burnout. Many people do a lot of work and they don't feel burnout. Because if there are internal emotional needs, they meet. Here is a question, which my coach asked me, write the top three values that you want in your life. What do you want to do? So I said, what is happening? I said, no, in life, forget work. You forget everything. Just write three things like that you are very important. You should, you should. You should do anything in life. You should. Right? Whatever.

36:41Money, wealth, wealth, health, family, relationships, growth, adventure, importance. Whatever. Just write it down. Yeah. So I wrote those three things. And then he's like, see. what you do, you get the three of them. It doesn't come. And to me, it makes so much sense. My top one value was my job. That's why I feel burnout. Versus the other job I have to do for whatever. Let's say health, for example. I have to go to gym. I'm going to go for a half hour. Because I didn't have top three values for the longest time. When I became a value, now my number two value is health. and my top 3 health number 2 so if I don't have time to go to gym I don't have time to go to gym I don't have time to go to my home I have reasons to ask how to walk a half hour and it comes naturally so I hate going to gym so this when it happened so it just changed everything for me I didn't feel weird to do any work and in fact all the work I think why I'm doing it all dropped because they were not contributing to the top 3 values that I have interesting some people talking about India vs China vs US do these three countries have the work culture different?

37:58absolutely what difference is why some country is very much higher and some country is very low in all three places what I've noticed is that people do a lot of work at least the people who work are very much still productivity work hours and mindset there are many differences what difference is larger culture I will tell you about the country that grows or not. I will tell you about my experience and then I will put some research. I have seen in the US that they prioritize good things. They will say that this is 10 opportunities. But we will have to work on these three big opportunities. So, they play on scale.

38:37It's a very US thing. I have seen in India that prioritization. We will chase 10 small opportunities. So, what is the result? what happens when a company has limited people. It is limited time or limited time. In that battle, there is no time to do anything. Or the employee is burnt out. I think the US's philosophy is to operate at scale. Pick the top three, run after it. I think that is a very US phenomenon, works very well. That is one difference I have seen. Focus on outcome is a lot in US and China. We have to make the world's best product. بنانا ہے. That vision is where the fact starts. That's why 40 hours or 140 hours or that's different.

39:20That is the second nuance. Actually, a larger theory on culture and how each country works very differently on culture. Like, US philosophy is that you tell me insight about it. Process is not given. First, I tell you insight about it. It says pyramid principle of communication which is business school has studied US concept. Basically, basically, if you have a market research done, the standard way to present results what is, that we have 30 consumers, 2 experts with 25 days research, so much money is a questionnaire, as a result, these 5 insights are this logical flow, in the US the whole flow is over, the process is okay, 5 insights before, the work is done, so, the reverse order is done, it comes because of the legal system and their education, their entire system of education is based on anecdotes, precedent, case let, examples.

40:17So, this is why the insight comes first. If you look at India and China, we think about the process. We think about how to study the process. Then we get insight. It's not true or wrong. It's a difference. So, this is a difference. There is outcome first. Here we say process and then outcome. The other thing you will see is how people know how to say no. In China or countries like Japan, no, it's very difficult to say. If I'm a boss and I say, Raj, will you come and work on Sunday for me? You're a part of my team. In China, they will say, yes, I can, but my child's birthday is. And your expectation is that I will understand that you're saying yes, but no.

41:05In the US, they will say, sorry, I cannot. It's a child's birthday. So culturally no difference in India I think it's a little mixed in India I think it's very close to China and Japan but a lot of bosses don't accept like in Japan if you say that my birthday will be a boss in India probably not in India don't accept or not no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no time. These are essence of time. Just say if you have invited to invite to US 6.58 you should reach private session or public session or you should have a house or office. If you have a wedding in Delhi and you have a wedding at 7am you have a call at 7am.

41:56If you have a wedding at 7am you have a insult to the bride. If you have a wedding at 7am you have a wedding at 8am. That is the time. So India control of time is. And this is not the right غلط نہیں ہے. یہ ہمارا culture ہے کہ ہم 7 بجے مطلب office کا meeting اگر 11 بجے شروع ہو رہا ہے ہم 11 بجے نہیں آتے ہیں. A lot of Asian cultures don't. US میں 11 بجے مطلب 11 بجے meeting شروع ہوگی. Germany میں 11 بجے مطلب 10.58 کو meeting شروع ہوگی. تو یہ sense of time بھی بہت الگ ہوتا ہے different cultures میں. تیسرا nuance ہے کہ آپ emails کیسے لکھتے ہیں. So there is something concept called low context country high context country.

42:34we are going to the American system so this means today you and I have a meeting after meeting I will write Raj here are the 10 points we discussed after this you have to do this and I have to do this it is very normal because it is a low context society if you operate in Japan and China which are high context email makes it a little rude Raj I have given you my word why are you writing in the contract so here are small nuances that come in different working cultures where is the email written, how is the no? which time is the meeting starts one concept between the working cultures is concept of trust we have been touching upon that trust is very important trust comes from business US trust is what is called head-led trust if I believe you are good at your work and if you are not in my social circle but I understand that you are good in your work I will do business with you China may something called heart-led trust which is also in India and this concept is called Gwanji this means that you may be good at your work if you don't have a social circle in your life then I won't do business in your life so in the US and China heart-led trust is in the US head-led trust this means what is China and India heart-led trust if you do business in India, China, UAE in these three markets spend time on dinners spend time getting to know them personally.

44:06This will help you in business. I did a workshop in Dubai last day I had 3 hours on dinner and the next day I had finished the work in office in 15 minutes. Because this is heart-led trust model. So the role of the dinner role of the personal time is very very important in high context culture. In US if you have 3 hours on dinner then you will understand yourself. But But all these things, trust's definition is different. Like you are operating in China. In the US, you can do cold calling. You can write someone on LinkedIn. He will probably respond. In China, you won't do it. Because you don't have it in the social circle.

44:44So, until you don't give it in the inner circle, you don't do business in the circle. Wow. So, that is heart-led trust. This is head-led trust. And this is how working cultures differ. so this work and increase and understand it's like very difficult India is more like China right India is it depends certain axis we are slightly like US like we have a culture of emailing cold emailing cold calling but trust we are more heart led once you become my friend I will do business with you tell me 3 ways US can make trust in India if you have made trust in US banana hai, you have to prove to the person ki main apne kaam mein tees maar khano you have to prove to the person to ek, aapko testimonials lagenge client logos lagenge you need to prove, three you have to go meet them and prove to them you know your job, if you can prove to them you know your job, aapko business mil jayega race nahin aayega kuch nahin aayega equation, gender nahin aayega race nahin aayega, you prove to them you know your job you will get, india mein even if you prove you may not get the job, person has to like you, person has to want to work with you.

45:58So emotional connection India में ज्यादा चलता है. कैसे किसी के साथ emotional connection बना सकते हैं ताकि वो आप से आप पे ट्रस करें और आपको business दे. आपके साथ काम करना चाहें. I think एक genuineness होना चाहिए conversation में. So for example, sharing about your family, sharing about your journey. एक honesty होनी चाहिए in listening to the other person's story. So when the other person is talking, don't see that you are talking about business. That's not authentic. So if you are genuinely making friends, they may not give you a business but sometimes you will give a good business. So that authenticity in communication and that personal relationship matters a lot.

46:37And is it different for women employees? Is it the same? Look, fundamental human behavior doesn't change. but women employees can come separate set of biases the amount of time for instance if you are a man I am a man we can both go and play video games in the night with a woman it gets a little difficult so for instance they say a lot of CEO decisions are taken over smoking breaks so I and CEO will go down he will smoke a cigarette I have drank and it has been for the girls it becomes a little difficult so some of those biases they face but fundamentally human behavior remains the same but that opportunity is a little difficult for them so what can they do I think for instance if you are a woman and if you want to do business in these countries use the lunch very well use the lunch very well have a two hour lunch have a half a day workshop or half a day customer meet outside the office you and their main counterpart are going to the consumer's house and you are spending time together so don't make it after sunset make it before sunset that is how you get to spend the time fair, interesting and if someone else works in their company and this work culture how does it happen in India how does it happen in US how does it happen in China or how does it happen in my boss who has talked so many in order to build a better culture and now I'm motivated to work how can I better do it how can I improve and people think that I want to grow up in progress.

48:16So what I've seen a lot of times, people get stuck in motivation and masturbation. Do you know motivation and masturbation? It's like you're masturbating with motivation. So you read very good books, very good podcasts, very good information, you think I'll grow up, I'll do this, planning. But you consume everything and you keep thinking. Because thinking is easier than doing.

48:59and then the loop and then the loop comes in and then the loop comes in another podcast network network you have made hard. One person has made trust and the other person has made. He will do the same thing. One conference has made another conference. He will consume but he will never do anything. He will get stuck in a loop where there are connections, knowledge, conferences, everything. The plan will be and he will not be moving because he will motivation and masturbation. He will come. But he will do anything. He will just masturbate. I'm hearing this term for the first time but it's absolutely bang on term.

49:39And a simple framework that we are listening to this podcast, we always say in workshops that, ask three questions after you've read a book or you've attended a conference. What will you start tomorrow? What will you stop tomorrow? And what will you continue tomorrow? Whenever you consume a piece of content, what will you start, what will you stop, what will you continue and execute it from tomorrow? It's actually very good. Very, very good. It's great. But you heard that if you become a piece of content in life, bada na bhaut motivated or apko jeetna hai to surround yourself with five people jeh dunia ki sab se waayad theory hai dunia ki sab se waayad theory sorry to cut you but you finish okay my love panch loog jo apse bade hai unko apne asper surround kerlo kyunki unke average aap ho right that's the theory that's the thing ki ap apne se intelligent loog apne se more successful loog ke saath gomho ta ki ap bhi unke jais se bandho you are an average of five people you hang out with does that make sense so that is the theory but mere mutab a completely waayad theory and here is the reason.

50:40You have to become a D2C entrepreneur. So you chose 5 successful entrepreneurs and you are surrounded by them. Let us go through each of their profiles. First entrepreneur, successful entrepreneur first is to buy money from their company. Second successful entrepreneur is to become a consumer. Third successful entrepreneur has never earned 1 rupiah in life. Next 15 years will never earn. Fourth entrepreneur keeps firing people keeps fighting with investors 5th entrepreneur products running in every hole now the problem is they are all successful they are all successful the point I am trying to make how successful is it if you are working like this they are considered successful there are names behind each of them they are considered successful I didn't take names the problem is and the larger problem is we all live in what is called eco circles all of us who is listening to your podcast typically belong to India one largely India one top 5%, top 10 % of India mostly so if we only surround one another just with people who are better we will never get into the real India if you want to become an entrepreneur successful, consumer brand manager you have to have friends and you have to meet real people next time go to taxi driver ask about taxi driver Surround yourself with the coconut vendor person Who is outside your building Unse doosti banayye Unki aspirations ke baray mein seekhye Next time you speak to the watchman Speak to the watchman everyday Woh asli India hai Agar haap apne eco circle mein rahengye Ye panch type of successful log You will believe ki poori dunia Aisai chalti hai And you're looking at a mental health crisis So it is one of the worst theories to have To do this Surround yourself with normal people true some are achievers some are other people but you have to surround yourself with normal people also that is very very important full time is bubble echo chamber is a very wrong concept but sometimes it helps if you need motivation or learning you get it from now anywhere from this podcast you get it from the father you get it from the father you get it from anywhere from this podcast you don't have to surround yourself with only those successful people to learn from them i tell you what okay my name actually i'm not even old enough but i can talk about it first half of my working life my name is only consumers logo say supermarket and sit in the normal store and walk with normal people train, bus, bike, auto and observe them and learn things to do with them that was my first half my second half of life I surround myself with many entrepreneurs with many leaders with many important politicians with many celebrities like top 1 % achievers I try to understand with experts and understand and now third phase of my life since last one and a half year which is I am alone I am surrounded do by my employees and my family I have become the like a bad friend like just a bad networker or a bad like I'm not there I mean right in three I think I genuinely think I have the biggest thinking in my second phase when I have many entrepreneurs or top 1 % because when you see them and learn them and understand them you have a motivation that you have to do very big work when you are just customers and observation in the phase you have to be very smart you have to know what you need so you have to make sure whatever you are you have to better you have to make sure your products better you have to make sure better you have to consider consumer psychology better so you have to talk to people can talk about it.

54:59You can understand the product and the need to make it. You can become an entrepreneur, an insan. But you can stay in that way. You can say, wow, I have given this customer, I have enjoyed it. Great, now I have another one. But that's it. You don't think about it at the big level. So here is a difference. So, what you described your journey. If you haven't done that part one, part two, you don't agreed that was foundational bang on if you have to randomly come and say you are part 2 because part 1 is very solid and you had a family business so business all of that you understood agreed without this this is useless that's point 1 point 2 if you see you don't need to spend a lot of time with such people a lot of these thoughts very interesting thoughts these are in books If a lot of this Steve Jobs Biography A lot of this Thing is A lot of Insightful comments You hear In podcast Today he said it In his book So these are not New things So Jeff Bezos For instance Has spoken about How do I make Amazon the most Customer centric Sony when they Came from Japan How do you make it Made in Japan A big brand Some of these Concepts are not New This learning Thinking is going to be in the 50-60 years.

56:26People are talking about in India. If you have to learn it, you can learn it anywhere. In the biography of Steve Jobs, if you just pick up any Steve Jobs biography, it's all written. How do we make Apple this? How do we make Apple that? You copy it. That is good enough. The risk that happens is if you surround with just hyperachievers. Generally, every hyperachiever has a negative personality. Generally, that's how they have become. and if you think that the world is the same and the same way to succeed your personality is the same negative connotation and the second you think that this is the life of life people behave like this people behave like this so true narial who behave like this is India and when you are in your language if you are part 1 you are part 2 you are part 2 you are not so true networking networking value my life was reduced when I actually understood networking value because the person has no depth and the person has no interest and the person has no interest and the person network to do that so in part two people entertain me because part one was strong another side to it I have a lot of networking I have a large part of my life I've spent doing 10 years reach out to one person a day every day I get a day I learn a day so that's why I'm become mentors my guests friends my investors relationships all of this is right so I believe until I bought time and then so I was a huge believer of building the human network and the more I learnt about it I lost faith in building the human network that you have to talk about people but not to make a network for people force not to force yourself so if you are alone and you don't have anyone you can still win and here I help you and then we will learn how to come and how to go how to go and how to go and how to go so Charlie Munger who was Warren Buffett's partner right he said a very big one.

58:48He said, become friends with the dead. And I love it. He's like, you're talking about you're talking about the country's economics to understand the world. Why? Who has made the country's economics that the expert who died wrote his book and then you'll talk about it. And then you'll think how he thinks about it. So the moment you surround yourself with really high level of expert people who years and years whose theory is right, the test of time, in a hundred years, they are the same. Make them a friend. They are dead, but you have to learn about them so that you start thinking in the way they are thinking.

59:27That's how you achieve success. And I was like, if you are lonely, you don't have any friend, become friends with the dead. And it's a brilliant advice by Charlie Munger. I am very happy you said be friends with the dead because we think being alone is wrong. it is completely alright to be alone being alone is completely okay there is nothing wrong you connecting with yourself or the power above perfectly alright and that is the future for a lot of people but people confuse alone to be confused because of loneliness that is a loneliness has become a very loaded word loneliness has become a very loaded word alone means I am capable of myself and I am saksham.

1:00:16Loneliness is that I am alone but I need someone else's need. Slight nuance I am, I can be alone and happy because I don't need another person. Me and God is good enough. Lonely is I am alone but I am unhappy because I need another person. So, loneliness is a very problem. Loneliness obviously is a very big problem there is no doubt recently a Gallup poll came especially men's loneliness that one-fourth of people consistently feel lonely. There was one more stat I read, that one in six men have zero friends. It was a stat that came out. I think a Gallup poll came out. That zero friends, one in six men across the world.

1:01:00Unbelievable statistic. One in five men consistently report feelings of loneliness every week. So this is a problem. It is a very big problem. and it is there was another statistic I read by World Health Organization that one day of loneliness is equal to 15 cigarettes one day of loneliness is 15 cigarettes so you damage your body and yourself that much and if this is happening in Delhi where pollution is more then one day of loneliness is 30 cigarettes so one day of loneliness is 15 cigarettes very very scary but it is it is wild and men loneliness is going to increase very quickly why do you think that's the reason you know I was reading that many men have alexithemia you know alexithemia men find it difficult that they don't know that they feel a certain emotion and how they express and how they deal their ability in their life to understand emotions and express them because they don't know from childhood and that's why why I

1:02:35would have s I will solve our problems and then we will have to solve our problems. We will talk about how many of you will talk about gender roles. If you want to get out of the house, then you will have to get out of the house. Men will not pass time to the house. It is not allowed, it is not accepted in the society. If you are a girl, you will have to go out and go out and feel good. के लिए निजा सकते तुम तुम्हें काम करना है तो तुम्हारे पर ये प्रेशर है फिर घर आके social comparison का pressure कि तुम्हारे दोस्तों ने तो ये कर लिया या तुम्हारे माबाप ने ये कर लिया या दूसरे लोग किते अच्छे से कर रहे हैं do you see the other families, how much are you doing, little brother, big brother, how are you doing, comparison, then the second problem is that emotional guilt, that the mother-in-law, how much is it, family is where you have a load on it, it's a load on it, it's going to go on it, so it has so many pressures, and now the fourth problem is that there is no friend, and after all the problems, after all the people, I don't know, how many emotions reveal my emotions, that you know people and then you give a lot of different things.

1:03:46So I have massive empathy for so many men that we are suffering so many battles alone and we don't know anyone. I wrote somewhere that men have never had it as bad in history as they have it now. One in five report consistent loneliness. One in six have no friends. if you look in life, there is a famous stand-up comic in the US that said that a man is loved conditionally if a man earns money. Very famous quote. If a young man doesn't earn money, society will question why you are living. If a young man doesn't earn enough money, you won't have married. So men, it is very difficult. And you have the right point that one is gender roles.

1:04:36I have not told that you are stoic. krah ho, joh bhi problem hai baat mat kero, ek toho hai, woh gender role hai, ek hai there is a chemical thing also jaysay women have estrogen aur uski wajah se kya hoota hai because of estrogen, aap words better use kar saktay you are more emotionally mature, toh agar aapko kuch tension ho raha hai, toh you are able to use the words, you are able to express with your friend circle, aur radgai badgai type ho jata hai, men cannot do that, kyunki ek toho it is chemically less and it is a societal norm. So the man has to keep going and going and going. And who will he take help from?

1:05:19Therapist, one man will go and people understand a taboo. So where are men going? There was a very interesting study that I saw. You've heard of astrotech platforms. So astrosage, astrosage, astrotech platforms. They are doing very well these days. The fastest growing sectors is astrotech platforms. So people are going on those platforms and asking the astrologer essentially men are going on that platform looking for therapists because Pandit Ji is saying tension will happen all the Pandit Ji saying your ex will come back you will get this job so Pandits are operating as therapists that's one of the reasons where people are going that is what is happening in that sector so a man it is very very difficult to be a man and men cannot make friends so easily after college it's very difficult it's very difficult I had studied another research in psychology today women are better at making networks within them and sometimes women's friendships are also very strong and men's friendships are good but sometimes they are not that strong and it's a counter intuitive principle I thought it was the principle is this the research what they did is and take it with a pinch of salt when two men hang out what do they do?

1:06:39play video game go for a cricket match IPL match when women hang out they look at each other so eye contact so when women hang out they talk to each other make eye contact and that's an inherent emotional attachment now the counter theory is also true that my friend from class 4 if I just call him he will leave everything and come so that's true But this is a counter theory too, that the emotional social support has been better. So in China, for example, there's a very interesting trend in Beijing and Shanghai. Many women, 5-6 girls who are working and are successful, are saying that we won't get married.

1:07:21So Morgan Stanley's report came that by 2030, 44 % of women will not get married. So what are these women doing? 5 or 6 are coming together. The successful educated women. And they're saying, we will go to a villa and we will stay lifelong. We will stay lifelong. So, there are multiple issues that are coming here. And for a man, it is very, very difficult. Because relationship problems, as much as we acknowledge, gender roles are problems. Full family support. Family issue. You can't talk to anybody. If you look at an Indian workplace, A boss will scream at a man, but will be a little polite with a woman.

1:08:05The full onslaught of the gali, a man ko milti hai at the place of work. And it's a thankless role. Salary, job chali gai, career chala gaya. Zinda rehne ka kya fayda apka? Very, very difficult for a man. A man has never had it so bad in history. I somewhat agree to it and somewhat disagree to it. And I'll talk about both the things. agreement that man for every thing has a pressure, a race and something directly or indirectly he has a responsibility that he has to do it he has to do it he has to do it every thing has to do it he has to do it if he doesn't have money he will take a girl if he's not sorted his life is sorted he will take a girl relationship in a problem he will take a girl he will take a girl Could you give the time time to give her the better?

1:09:00If the族 are off then, the girl in the box will help. If the sexual's main problemproof here, the girl on the bar very late, it is a great space filmmaking itself. Constantly expressed by George visit, if anyone monitoring that speech Who knows how you can get to кар out. Thus, the'llkees procedure is jours, or will help her. right every place the pressure of the work to be on the way the pressure of the people to support the pressure the pressure of the people to make friends to make friends to make friends to social comparison to pressure every thing I'm getting status because I'm getting powerful men and I'm getting more powerless that pressure and every time stoic to be on the pressure that it doesn't affect the world that it doesn't affect it's the pressure every thing has so much pressure and their shoulders are going down day and day because is every thing is pressure.

1:09:53Every thing is necessary to win men. There is no need to fix it. And that is very heavily associated with it. If men say that maybe that my finances are not going right, that social shame is associated with it. There is one thing. I will make this. If they say that my life is going to be a problem and they tell publicly or someone or in a friend or in a social circle or family, it becomes less powerful. It becomes more and more and more and more, which is shameful for that person. Yes. If your relationship is not good, it becomes worse. It becomes worse. If you are not good enough, then you can't get worse.

1:10:38When you go to therapy, you are like a shit. You go to therapy, it is like a bad thing. If it is dominant, then it is bad. People are see Now trainingивают

1:11:13Man Man hard hard hard daily it's just getting harder and harder so we need to figure out a way and if all the brothers who are listening right now my my thing is only brothers we all can save each other and all the sisters all the all the women out there if you think if your man your partner your brother your boyfriend your husband is going through father is going through a tough time help them out instead of having some expectation at this point at least when they're suffering because you don't even know that they're going to be so silent battles and suffering figure out a way to fix this and where I disagree with you was the part men's friendships so I said it's a counter theory also I believe that that's why I said it's a counter theory yeah like emotional eye contact is there to make emotional eye contact I don't have to make emotional eye contact I don't have to make emotional eye contact with other boys I don't have to understand That's there.

1:12:15That's there. If a man is a man, then he will all sit. That I agree. Men's friendship is, if he spends time with a guy, that's therapy. Which is, I know a lot of therapy is going to hate me for this, but let me tell you, if he's sitting with a guy, just sitting with a guy, anything. No objective is not. If he's playing video games, or time pass, or politics, or girls, or Daru, or sit in the past,

1:12:55I don't know how this works. But just because you have to accept someone that it doesn't matter if you have to say one day, or two years, or a day, or a day, or a day. It's very strong. you get a sense of purpose you get a sense of responsibility and you get a sense of service for who is standing also sometimes when we meet we roast each other and that is a lot of benefit because if my problem is that my promotion is not my four friends will be so that at the end of the day that issue will be finished so men have a way to reduce issues in a way through therapy the one point I wanted to add is one reason problem is that if you see in the media there is a demonization of men that is going on in the US there is a social media trend if you go to TikTok and if you search for men should die hashtag ridiculous number of hits if you go to random people on the street in the US and say do you believe men should die many people will say yes a lot of women will say yes men should die men should die what value are they adding so this demonization is happening and you should check this out on TikTok if you have access is very very scary and then if you think of a man's perspective when he lives in India he thinks that everything is going on I'll make a family in front of me law is not in my favor there are so many negative stories that are going on law is against me the model is against me and all these pressures that are on me I cannot talk to anybody it is a huge huge problem so you said that friends meeting is very important I would say that you have to turn to spirituality at some point.

1:14:43You don't want to see anyone. You'll get a little friend, you'll get a little brother. Till your parents are there, they will look after you. You have to go on this way alone. When a stand-up comic said men are loved conditionally, it is a very good insight. You have to go on this way alone. You have to find your superpower within you and a person above, connect and move on. All men have to learn how to be alone and happy. You have to learn. If you have New Year's or Christmas or any other opportunity there is no bad thing about it. You can make a routine. Go outside, go outside, go outside and learn to live life like that.

1:15:26You don't want to save it. You want to save it alone. I think it is very important that no one will come. Most likely it will not. The other thing about social psychology I was reading this in a book and it says lardke positive affection criticism and negativity and bullying se dikhate hai lardkeia positive affection fixing or empowerment se dikhate hai so tabhi hota hai marriages fail hota jari hai because lardke kya karte hai criticize karte hai lardkei ho bhi apni partner ko bolte hai ki ore ye dhekhau ye toho ase hota jari hai and bully and roast and roast and roast

1:16:10positive affirmation and roast Which husband can roast your wife No, he can't roast I'll tell you what they do Positive affection by negative things For example That Madam is going to be the day He is just trying to make a little joke about it Right? The wives are always right Who are the jokes Right? right? Unka positive affection show karne ka tariqa jokes hai. Koi negative statement hai, koi humor hai. Or dousi aapne dosteo ke saath bhi ee karte hai. Woha apne doste ko agar unka doste thoda fat hai, to moota karke bulaenghe hoa piaar sa bulaenghe. Koi or bulaega ta sako pholde denge. Right?

1:16:52But woha apne dosteo ka aase bulaenghe. And the same thing woha kabhi kabhar woha bolna bhol jate hai. To woha apne girlfriend ke saath bhi gohi karte hai. Phrir wife ke saath bhi gohi karte hai. That's how they get affected. And similarly women. Women love when they tell other women that today's makeup isn't good, it's not good, so let's do it from here, so let's do it from here. So they improve each other a lot. But when they try to do the same thing in relationships, it becomes a problem. Men always try to do something that they don't have to do anything in their life. Every thing, keep something here, keep something here, do it here.

1:17:21Women fix each other very well, very, very nicely because they empower each other. They tell each other, they improve their habits. So this was the thing which, that the girls don't go to anyone and they will know their friends who have a difference so their positive affection show is empowering and making other person better and the girls show positive affection show by negative roast and criticisms interesting and that's I was reading I was like this makes sense I've seen it tell me something just so this is universal truth in centuries this behavior has been and it's last 10 years so why are marriages breaking now across centuries this behavior has been there so it's not a last 10 year why are marriages breaking now then why are marriages more unhappy now is it because of social media is it because of unfulfilled expectation I don't know but here's my I don't know much about it but here's my personal learning or observation I feel social comparison ki wajay se na gender roles and clarity and human roles mein mismatch here's the thing mujhe patah hai mein kya laata haun table pe or mein kya karta haun par social expectation ki wajay se wo change hotedar right aaj mujhe 5 chizay chahiye meri wife se meri wife ko 5 chizay chahiye mujh se example so I'm not married I'm just telling you this based on observation so my wife needs 5 things and I need 5 things we were clear before these are my roles now what's going on in social media and expectation I've watched a Korean movie there's a romance that I'm giving my wife to me the 5 things I'm giving what I need in my life partner on the job which is compatibility which is love which is supportive of all that is but this is false expectation because I always watch that drama and I have that my wife didn't give me same my wife she is watching something else she doesn't get it then you go to another party something people have seen 5 reel your husband is not doing it that's a problem then maybe who said that the motivation is a lot of much.

1:19:53That you were both very clear that you were all doing. All of a sudden, my wife has a problem. My husband is not ambitious. He doesn't do it. I need to marry someone who is more or I need to be with someone who is more ambitious or more powerful. My husband has a problem. My wife doesn't do anything. She is not social enough. So, I need to go to social, party, who is interesting enough. All of this comes from content, social expectations, comparison and lack of clarity in who you are and what you want interesting is my opinion observation I can be wrong here's what I've seen in people they don't know who they are they don't know what they want they don't know what they want they don't know what they want they don't know what they want I'm just adding my sample size is only me and my friends same as my sample size so I think Actually Harvard study Nikla tha What is the key To a successful marriage The number one part Number one factor Was friendship Friendship Good friends Will tend to get married Stay married For a long time I think what happens With social media Which we are saying Is that Men start Looking at Excessive beauty Because of social media And women start looking At excessive resources Man should have ambition Money should have Resource Women should be beautiful and they're not pursuing friendship as the central driver but they're pursuing glamour that's what I was getting at social comparison I think that is exactly what is happening that's why you see so many celebrity couples that are not working because the man has gone for beauty the woman has gone probably for money and that is why it is breaking long term the marriage is ticked where there is friendship where there is friendship there are ups and downs but it's ticked but if you basis partner not select so it's not going to work out so American psychology no American society of psychology and American journal of society is a big department of psychology according more than 67 % of men feel higher status when they have the most beautiful women in the room right next to them.

1:22:17So that's why more and more men are actually not choosing a person of value. They're choosing a person of beauty and status. And more than 50 % of women feel powerful when their man is the most powerful person in the room. And that's why more and more women are not looking for a man who is good for them. She's looking for a man who is more powerful so that when she goes in the room and this social world she starts feeling powerful and this is basic evolution men runs after beauty women runs after resources and this is going to be caveman type because what was that a woman wanted protection caveman type so it is basic evolution so you wanted a strong man so that you can protect me and men wanted they wanted to be the alpha male and they became the alpha male by having the most beautiful woman absolutely and this is always like this and there is no problem.

1:23:16What is the problem? We choose to do this basis which is our best for us. Which is the value system. Which is the beauty. Looks, heart, mind, mind. Multiple things. Right? We match. Match after the relationship, we are living in an illusion because of social media. There are endless options. but because you have 50 ,000 people on Instagram you have Tinder, Bumble, societies, concerts, places, travel you have options you have to think wow that's like a like full sea is full of fishes maybe you have only an illusion of you but you have to think so many options so you constantly keep telling yourself maybe what if there's someone better what if someone's better so if I need more resourceful maybe someone's better more resourceful than this person oh maybe there's someone better more beautiful than whatever that line is which you drawed in relationship to come to the relationship now you think that there are so many things in the world so it's okay and that's how we live in illusion and if you just want to complete that there's a phenomenon it's called frequency illusion phenomenon you focus on what you focus on that you can see more so if you have thought that my boyfriend or my husband or my wife or my girlfriend is better option one time you have seen it you have seen it in the second time then you have seen it in every place every situation you have seen it in Instagram then you will see it in Twitter then you will see it in parties you will see it in dating apps you will see it in travel your brain is getting trained to frequently just spot on this one opportunity You will go in a bus where there are 15 girls and 50 girls, but you will be able to think of that as a single.

1:25:14That is the problem. We are actually training our brains to be in an illusion that there are better options. But actually better options is not found. It's built. And people miss on that. So, I mean, I was just going to add on. You've heard of the Ick Factor? ICK? I know, I know. Go ahead and explain. Ick Factor. So, I'll talk of two things. One is. I saw a movie but I didn't see it. So one thing is that the dating app has become very little meaningful relationships because what happens is that someone has accepted your profile so you get a dopamine kick and then you need a second time another dopamine kick.

1:25:50So you will go back to that app and hopefully you will take another one. But the second time dopamine kick is not as good as the first time. Marginal utility principle. So you need another one. You need another dopamine kick. The third came. The third didn't match the fourth. The fourth and fifth need. So this never ending scroll is going on. That's why you are saying it's its underlying psychology. And that is why I think in US one another trend when it comes to dating, a lot of couples are now looking at offline events. They are saying real connection is being made in offline events. Let's go to offline events and let us pursue.

1:26:21The one factor is very interesting. I am not Gen Z. But I was studying about this. In our 90's Ali McBeal series was a hit. Ali McBeal series was a hit. So this term came the first time. basically ICK means that the boy and the girl are in a stable relationship but there is one small act which the either person does and as a result of which you think you don't need to stay with it and that small act can be so that you don't have to use a chopstick in my lips I didn't put cream in my lips or I will keep eating four-course spoon in my hands so because of that I think how can I stay with it and that is the factor which is also contributing a lot to issues that have that have come.

1:27:04It is big. You make a small thing so big that then you start hating it. You don't want to do it. You won't do it. Because you think I have so many options when there are probably options. That's a very interesting. Thank you so much for coming here actually. Thank you. I can talk to you and do it. It's a never ending conversation. I love it. We started with Indian work culture when we ended on loneliness and partners and wow. Like it's always like that. If you've noticed, our pattern is here. But thank you so much for coming again. Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure coming. Like having you here.

1:27:37And I hope to see you again and again and again. We'll make this either a six monthly affair or an yearly affair to do this. But it's fun. You are doing very, very well. Just keep doing what you're doing. Thank you so much. Lovely to see you. How are you? How is life? Very good. So in the beginning, I think that something should be a problem. So when I moved to Mumbai, my budget was around 50 ,000. I would give my rent max. And that house was 75 ,000. And I was very happy. I was like if I had 75 ,000, I would have learned that I would not be able to be content. Because I had to earn 1 ,000 ,000 a month.

1:28:23for spotty as a commanding. I was like, I need to push it. So my motivation was more that I had a little bit because I didn't have any money. I was like, I'm going to pay extra. So that was just a stupid logic I used to feed myself. It's not stupid. It's a philosophy of Shahrukh Khan. The house is a little bit more. I know. It's a philosophy of Shahrukh Khan. But this is what I know now. I know what Shahrukh Khan is doing. When Rajkumar Rao said and it was viral, I didn't know this before. Thank you so much for watching this podcast till the end. Now you have to do three things. do this. First of all, subscribe to this channel.

1:28:55Number two, tell us who are guests and who are topics that you want to make a podcast and you will be better help and you will be more value. Number three, this episode, you must share with someone which will be a positive change and will be a positive change which will be a positive change which will be a positive change because one conversation is enough to change someone's life. I'll see you next time. Until then, keep figuring out.