E137 - Anger-Fuelled Success Is Destroying Young Men In 2026 | Lewis Howes

30:32Lewis Howes:150 ,000 people every day die. You and me are not one of them. For me, that's a blessing. So I just say, thank you. And that's a prayer for me. And it's a way for me to just say, thank you to God for giving me another opportunity at life. Like if I didn't wake up today, I wouldn't have been able to hang out with you and meet you. And what a gift, what a beautiful gift to be able to sit across from you and experience your energy. But seriously, you know what I mean? It's like, we don't know the people we're going to meet, the impact they're going to have on our lives and we're going to have on their lives.

31:02Lewis Howes:We don't know if we'll ever see each other again, or if we're texting on WhatsApp in the future, or if you're back in LA or I'm in Dubai and whatever. whatever you help me get shredded one day in the future. And it's like, we don't know where this interaction will lead. I don't know what I'm going to take with me when I go home and see my twin daughters and my wife from this interaction. I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to make a difference in your life in any way, shape or form, but I do know I have the opportunity to do something today and it can be taken away at any moment. And I'm grateful for this gift.

31:37yeah i mean even some people more than others they'll experience the loss of either loved ones or friends like even in the past couple years there's been a few people who i've i've done stuff with on social media and just gone especially the bodybuilding space right the fitness space and yeah uh joe aesthetics he was huge he was like loved by everyone was that just joe linda he was

32:01Lewis Howes:a guy that could make his i met him too yeah he came out you know it's interesting you say that because I was thinking of that right when you said you lost people. He came up to me. I was at a, gosh, I think we were at a, I was at a basketball game or I was at some event here in LA. I think it was a Lakers game maybe. I didn't know who he was. He came up to me randomly in the audience. It wasn't like a fitness industry event. It was just like a random basketball game. He came up to me and he goes, Lewis Howes, School of Greatness. I get chills thinking about it. He goes, dude, I've been following your show.

32:30Lewis Howes:It's helped me overcome challenges. and he messaged me right afterwards on Instagram. And he's like, dude, if you ever need anything, let me know. But he brought an energy to me. It was only 60 seconds, but he brought this connection and this energy that I'm still talking about today, years later, right? And it's like, you never know the connection we will have because we met him. I didn't know him after that. I wasn't friends with him, but I was like, he left an impression. And I know he was going through different challenges and struggles because he told me that, but he had an energy and a presence about him that we are still talking about today.

33:07Lewis Howes:Isn't that interesting? And it's just, you just never know the impact. And he was one of those people on that day. He didn't wake up and that was 150 ,000 people. He was one of them. We don't know if we're going to be here tomorrow. I hope we are. I hope we're both here until we're a hundred. We just don't know. Because of that, I'm so torn between doing all the things that i want to do and just living life but then also at the same time i'm like gotta do some work gotta actually like lock in and do some things which uh you know maybe i don't enjoy as much but it's like a requirement to actually fund the things that i want to do and like you can be a both hand though why not yeah well that's the art the i think the art is okay try figure out what it is that you like to do and really have a passion for and then if there's a way to monetize it then yeah of course yeah yeah my life's turned out pretty good by just yeah you seem like you're documenting it but it's not for everyone but you just gotta like i was never afraid of trying like i would try a few different things and even maybe at a point in time mid-20s i enjoyed doing something like i used to really enjoy coaching people as a pt and then i think after a couple years of doing it i was like you were tired or you were born of it yeah like this is it's getting a little bit repetitive now what's the thing you're most afraid of now afraid of in what sense like what's the first thing that came to your mind what's the thing that scares you the most when you think about it internally not externally but internally

34:38i think just like being older and just having all of this regret that i didn't do the things that i knew i should have done what like what things see the world travel have all these like unique unique experiences whilst i can you've been doing it though yeah but that's why because i'm always i'm i'm always trying to think of my older self and uh-huh the the conversations he would have with me what do you think you're 35 yeah what

35:08Lewis Howes:do you think you had 65 if you could really go 30 years in the future and if you kept living this life exactly how you're doing it for the next 10 years, 20 years. What is you at 55 and 65 coaching you now with 20, 30 more years of wisdom? What would he say to you that speaks to your heart right now? I have a feeling he would probably be like, yeah, you, you, you live a good life. But what would he say that you get, you got to like go over step into? deal. I would think there's still a lot to do with relationships that I have definitely not mastered. A hundred percent. Um, yeah, I think that'll be the thing where I'll probably talk to myself and be like, yeah, you, you thought this way about a certain thing, but you were wrong.

36:01Lewis Howes:What are you wrong about? What is your future self saying you're wrong about now?

36:10I don't know. Maybe, because I kind of do understand this. I understand the importance of relationship and how, and like how important it is to have a family, a loving family, kids and so on. I feel like part of me is like putting it off, but at the same time, if you're not ready, then don't jump into something that you're not ready to do. 100%. What would make you ready?

36:39i guess you either because they sometimes say you don't you don't know until you've met the right person and everything has fallen into place but then i i'm pretty sure i've met some really special people the timing has been wrong either i've been too young or they're maybe they've been too young as well like if you meet a woman in their early 20s yeah stop they they want to go enjoy themselves and you're like i'm trying to lock in now yeah so that's a difficulty tell you

37:07Lewis Howes:why my wife she always says i wish i would have met you sooner because we we both moved to la around the same time around like i don't know 14 years ago or something and she's like gosh i don't know how we didn't run into each other like we both went through these relationships that didn't work out we would have saved so much time and i was like listen had i seen you you know i and i've been salsa dancing for, I don't know, 18 years now. And I used to go salsa dancing all the time. And she would go to some of the same places, right? She's like, how did I never see you out salsa dancing? I go, I might've seen you.

37:39Lewis Howes:And I think when you delay sexual intimacy, you get to know the person if you really want to spend time with them. And I bet you there's a lot of guys right now watching that if you said you had to spend six months with no sex with your girlfriend, most of them would say, I'm really not that into them. Yeah. I'm like, eh, I'm like the sex is what keeps it alive. And that should be, it should be opposite. It should be like the values keep it alive. The vision, like what you're creating together, your relationship, not the sex. The sex should be the, the add on that just continues to expand your sexual exploration.

38:19Lewis Howes:Great. but it shouldn't be like we are sexually bonded and that's how we like overcome fights you know it's like we don't fight we if we have a disagreement we have created exercises on how to get through a disagreement peacefully and it doesn't mean we're not like a hundred percent aligned in it all the time but it's like we know when there's a disagreement okay we we have a process we also don't have tough conversations after 10 o 'clock at night it's like we've created boundaries to help us both win where in the past like girls would be laying in bed and be like yes my ex used to do it at midnight i'm like i'm trying to get on on track with my sleep exhausted out of nowhere and you're up to 4 a.m and you're fighting and it's like you have no energy i say don't i'm like do not do that as i said i've already told you not to ask me these questions like when you asked me earlier It's like they're trying to get you when you're vulnerable.

39:15I know.

39:17Lewis Howes:But this happened early on in our relationship, and I was like, no, we have to have a boundary. Once our head hits the pillow or in bed, we can't have deep conversations. We say what we're grateful for. We pray. We go to sleep. But I go, any other time during the day, if you want to talk to me about this stuff, I'm available. It's not that I'm resisting the conversation, but nothing good happens in bed when you're trying to have a vulnerable conversation. Like, why did you do this? Or why did you know? Nothing good happens. So we had to learn a process of creating boundaries, exercises, you know, things that work for us.

39:52Lewis Howes:But it's created, there's such a richness of life. And again, it doesn't mean every day is perfect, but it's created an expansiveness where, like, I just, yeah, I don't know. Give me an example of a situation because you both have similar values. Yes. so what would be a a typical argument that might come up i don't even know the last time we had maybe it's like not even an argument just like disagreement like we don't argue it's more like a it's more like a friction moment and it's just like oh i thought we're gonna do this we're gonna do this or like we're spending this time with your family we i want to spend this time with the family whatever it might be but it's not even like an argument it's more of just let's continue to communicate.

40:38Lewis Howes:But there was one thing after we were dating and before we became exclusively committed, we were just dating, but not committed to each other. But we were spending all the time together. I said, there's only one thing that I have one request from this relationship. I said, I will never get angry at you. I will never raise my voice. I'll never yell at you. I'll never do these things. Um, and I'll never be upset at you except for one condition. And I said, you have to accept me. If you don't accept me, I'm going to get upset. I'm not going to like scream or like hit you or anything, but I'm going to be frustrated.

41:19Lewis Howes:I'm going to be upset because I said, I'm learning about all of you, your past and everything. And I'm choosing to fully accept you. You're an actress. You do like kissing scenes. Sometimes you do like all this stuff. You're a celebrity. You're, you've got attention from guys, all this stuff. And I go, I'm going to fully accept you and I'll never get upset at you, but you have to fully accept me. That doesn't mean you can't have an uncomfortable conversation with me, but you can't try to change me. This is who I am. I'm not changing. I will grow when I want to grow. I'll take feedback, but you can't get upset at me for something and say, you can't do that.

41:53Lewis Howes:Like you have to allow me to go through my own process. And that was the only thing I had. And the first, like maybe six months, there were a few moments where I felt like she wasn't accepting me. And I was just like, this doesn't work for me. I told you I have one condition. If you have something that you're upset with me, sit down with me lovingly and let's have a conscious conversation about it. And let's talk about it. And don't also, if there's something you don't like, my other request is that if you want to talk about something you don't like or something that bothered you. Great. But first talk about all the other good I'm doing.

42:29Lewis Howes:Cause every day I'm pouring into you every day. I'm thinking about you. I'm, you know, I'm a gentleman I'm providing, I'm doing these things. So if one little thing bothers you, you better bring all the good that's bothering you. That's not bothering you as well. And it's going to make me feel more receptive to talk about anything you want. Just show a little bit of gratitude, which she does. She's amazing. But it's just like, that was more of me creating how to communicate with me from the beginning. And, you know, maybe that doesn't work for everyone, but I was like, this is what I want. I'm going to pour into you daily.

43:01Lewis Howes:I'm going to give, I'm going to provide. I'm going to treat you like a goddess. Yeah. But if you don't accept me, I'm not going to like that. You know what I mean? Yeah. And you got to know that just like you, I travel, I'm busy. I speak on stages. Lots of women follow me. You know, women come up to me in the streets and tell me how that changed their life or how they appreciate something. And I'm going to be a gentleman. I'm going to connect with people. I'm going to say hi. Yeah. You can call me a dick. No. And I might, and I'm going to give someone a hug and, but I'm also going to, I'm not going to be flirting and touching people, but it's like, I'm going to give someone a hug.

43:32Lewis Howes:I'm going to be courteous. I'm going to be connecting to them. Yeah. And she sees it all the time. Women come up to me with her next to me, like saying, thank you so much. And this and this. And, and I go, you gotta, you gotta be okay with that. She must like that. i don't think she doesn't i think she likes that i'm making a difference in people's lives yeah i think i guess she'd probably prefer just guys coming up to you i think she i think i don't think she doesn't like it i just think she's i don't know if she's i have no idea but i don't know if any woman likes the idea of like some hot woman coming up to their man and being like really into them maybe that's a turn on for some of them but it's also like i don't know it's i don't know Well, they're immediately going to see them as competition and they're a threat.

44:18Lewis Howes:Yeah, maybe. I mean, she just won't be sitting there talking to him for an hour. It's like, okay, say hi, and then let's go back to our life. Yeah. All right, guys, quick pause here. I've got a question for you. How is your summer physique coming along? We're only a couple of months away before you will be gracing the beach, the pool. Are you in shape? Are you not in shape? Is there work to do? Most likely. If so, I have the tool for you, which is going to help you out massively. it's the thirst app this is something which i personally use myself when it comes to my training and my nutrition i have all the programs in there which i use on a regular basis and for those who are just looking to lose a bit of body fat the same thing goes for women as well a lot of people don't realize i used to coach for a large chunk of my life so all of my coaching experience has been put inside of this app i want you to learn as much as possible about how to get yourself in shape there's exclusive videos in there telling you how to do it how to execute exercises properly the foods which I eat and a newly added nutrition section where you can track your meals and your daily macros is pretty much this pocket-sized version of myself which I'm going to carry around with you all day every day so if there's something which might interest you which it definitely will do I highly suggest to check out link in the description head over to the thirst app get it downloaded you will not regret it let's crack on with the episode speaking about trauma and how there's a certain people who do need to do the inner work i mean you could probably argue everybody needs to do some inner work to some extent more than others and i don't know if everyone needs to i just think if you want to have a more harmonious life that's available for you if you do the work how do you know if you need the work on a scale of one to ten how much peace do you have in your life right now in intimacy, relationships, money, friendships, how you feel about yourself, family relationships, like each category of life, one through 10, how much peace do you have?

46:19Lewis Howes:10 being like, I have ultimate harmony and peace around this one being I have zero peace. Where are you at? I don't think any of them are at 10 and I don't think any of them are at zero. I think they're all definitely above five, but I think that's just come from just sheer experience of living life and, um, having my fair share of like good and bad relationships where I just, I know what I like. Um, I know what works. I know what doesn't work. Um, but then I guess like long-term committed relationship with family, kids, that's something I've not experienced. and you know there's definitely some mistakes i've made in the past where the relationships ended because i've done something stupid and i'm like well why did i do that like where's that come from and i've certainly not been proud or you know ever been in a situation where i wanted to upset someone like i've been hurt before i've been cheated on and there's been times in the past where i've not been an angel and i've hated how that's made the other person feel i'm like fuck i'm like doesn't make did i just create a monster yeah um so and with that but the thing is like i know there's work to be done but i i want to like in many things in life if i'm going to go get my sock i want like the best person to give me a massage if i'm going to go speak to someone and open up i better be speaking to the absolute best of the best because i don't want to you got to pay for the best then yeah you gotta pay for that which i'm I'm willing to.

47:48Lewis Howes:Yeah. But I feel like. I would spend$800 a session for therapy. Was mine or a woman though? Woman. Why? It was recommended. And, and I was like, I was, I was like, I'll try it. You know, I'll try something and if it doesn't work, then I'll move on. It's not like, but I would spend eight hours on a Saturday broken up like three and a half hour session, take an hour break, another three and a half hour session. And I did that for months with someone. Same one. Same person. Yes. Because I was like, I'm crushing it at life. I'm making the money. I'm doing this. Like I'm building the following. But why is my heart still hurt?

48:32Lewis Howes:Like literally I had physical pain. Why am I still unable to fully be intimate with the person I'm with? Or why am I always pleasing the women and not standing up for what I want? Like why am I giving in and changing just to make them happy? And then they're never happy. Like, what is that about me? Because it was a pattern that had happened over multiple relationships. And I was like, okay, I'm the common denominator now. It's not just everyone's wrong. You know, it's like, why do I lack the courage to fully speak how I need to speak in relationships to create boundaries, knowing that the girl might cry and go in a different room and give me this, like, why am I so afraid of how one person's going to react to me?

49:17Lewis Howes:And I realized I was just afraid of, I was afraid, like I fully didn't accept myself still. And I lacked the courage to say what I really needed to say, because every time I would speak up, someone would get sad or hurt or disappointed. And I was like, I don't want to disappoint the person I love, right? Or the person I'm with. So I just won't speak up. I won't do this. I won't do that. I'll just conform to make them happy. And then it didn't make me happy and they still weren't happy. It's like, no matter how much I changed, they were never happy. So I was like, this doesn't work for me anymore.

49:48Lewis Howes:That's why I was like, the number one thing you have to do is accept me for who I am. And I'm going to share everything with you. But if you can't accept me, you can't at least have courageous conversations with me to try to find a resolution. It's not going to work. Like I'll be done and that's okay. And I want you to be happy and I want to be happy. But I was like, there was a moment in therapy maybe after like four months of doing this it wasn't every week but it was like every couple weeks for sure but i was going in long sessions because i was like i want to fully heal i was like i'm willing to do whatever it takes and i think you have to be willing to do that and it wasn't easy it's like you know and it's it's never fun going into a room and being like, oh, okay, I'm going to go talk about these things or whatever.

50:36Lewis Howes:And - Why do you reckon you could have done it at the age of 25? No. I wasn't willing to. Yeah. You need to be willing to say, all right, let's go in. Let's talk about it. Let's do this. Like, I wasn't willing. Yeah. I was so worried about what people thought about me and putting on a false sense of confidence. Like, I had it all figured out. Like, I had the answers. and if I ever lost at anything or if anyone if I was ever wrong was like it was a threat to my life is how it felt so I had to win in everything and I had to be right that doesn't work in relationships you can't you can't win and be right you know what I mean it doesn't it's not a team then you're always in a battle and um so I was like all right and listen the therapist that I had was also like putting me through these exercises that are never fun.

51:28Lewis Howes:You're never like, okay, let's imagine you're like in a room with like your five-year-old version of you and he's sitting right in front of you and you're doing different like exercises, spiritual, psychological, emotional exercises are never comfortable. Never. Okay. Let's have an, let's have a role play with you and your mom, a role play with you and your dad. That shit is not fun. It's not fun at all. Okay. Imagine your mom is alive now. What would you say? That shit is not fun, man. It's not. But that is the shit that is the least fun and the most scary is where I needed to lean into. And it gave me incredible freedom on the other side.

52:08Lewis Howes:It didn't happen the first time. It didn't happen overnight. It took months. And it was me willing to go back and say, let's keep going because I'm not there yet. And I wanted it to happen in the first session. I wanted to be like, give me the answers. Let me figure it out. and it was like my body and my nervous system wasn't ready for it. I had to keep going. And I'm not saying like you have to go for years to therapy. And it's like, I'm not saying that. I needed to keep going for months. And then I kept going like once a month or once every three months for a few years afterwards to make sure I continued to integrate the lessons because you're you're going to fall back naturally.

52:50Lewis Howes:So I had to continue to integrate and remind myself how to use these tools and practice them in daily life. But there was a moment where after a few months of going to therapy, something that my therapist said to me, and it was Clara, something she said to me. And a lot of it for me was around like feeling free in a relationship. It was like the idea of like, I'm trapped because my parents were miserable. They got divorced, but they were always like felt like they were trapped. So I had that model and I was like, I feel like I'm going to be trapped if I fully commit long-term. Like I was committed, but I was never thinking about marriage, you know?

53:29And she just said to me, she goes, Lewis, you can be in a committed relationship

53:34Lewis Howes:and be free and break up and be free and be okay. You can get married and break up and be okay. You're not trapped. She just kept saying like, you're not trapped, you're free and it's okay. but I was like, well, what about, what are people going to think if you break up? What if you hurt this person? What if it doesn't work? I was so worried about a future that wasn't ever going to happen and how it was going to ruin my life or whatever it might be, or I'm going to hurt this person. I was so worried about it. And she's just like, Lewis, you're free no matter what happens. And something clicked, like literally in my heart, I shit you not, I've never felt anything like this of my life before or after.

54:13Lewis Howes:Cause I would feel this chest pain coming like off and on in relationships. And I kind of feel like tightness in my chest. And whenever she said in that moment, like it finally, it's like it all aligned. Like my nervous system believed it, that I was free and something happened. It felt like this kind of explosion in my chest. And then like a rush of like fluid throughout my whole body to like everywhere at once. And I thought I hurt myself. I was like, oh shit, something just happened. And I was laying there and I was kind of lightheaded and I thought maybe I hurt myself, but it was like all the pain was gone instantly.

54:52Lewis Howes:And it was like all the pain I'd had for decades. It's like this pain bubble exploded and just like, I don't even know what that, what it was. I still don't know like the technical term of that. I don't know if that was a spiritual thing, if it was actual chemical thing. And I haven't felt pain in my chest since that moment. That was over five and a half years ago. And I don't think I'd be able to have the types of courageous conversations I have now with my wife had I not been willing to do that type of work. And I'm not saying that is the type of work that you or anyone else needs to do. but we do need to be willing if we want ultimate peace and freedom it doesn't mean i'm still not triggered by things or get upset here and there but it's like on a day-to-day i feel harmonious and peaceful and my body feels peaceful and again i'm human people things upset me but i can go back to that place really quick i'm not holding it and i want that for you i want that for everyone it is an unbelievable feeling and i'm not saying you need to go to therapy for eight hours on a saturday because i need to get your therapist by the sounds of it yeah i mean i'm not saying i'm not saying you need to do any of these things like and if whatever healing modality works for you works for you or that you want to try and you might try something it may not work and you try something else it's fine but um it's just it's more of the willingness and then it could be from a conversation.

56:24Lewis Howes:It could be from a trip. It could be from a workshop. It could be from a therapist. It could be from whatever that allows for healing to happen, but the willingness needs to be there. And if we're holding onto things so tightly, we're really not willing. And you seem like an extremely healthy human being and we've only known each other for what, an hour, maybe not even, and you've opened up about, okay, relationships I know is not perfect, but it's not horrible, but I know there's something there. And I know that when you want to start that process for yourself on however you do it, it's going to be extremely painful for you.

57:06Lewis Howes:It's going to be the most pain you've ever experienced because I know based on how I look at your body that you've put yourself through pain. For 20 plus years, you know how to feel physical pain. you can stretch your muscles and grind to failure at any moment this will be a level of pain yeah that you have never scared of it that you have never experienced but on the other side of it will be the greatest harmony and freedom of your life to where you won't feel like you're carrying the weight of the world on you you'll be able to walk with such an ease and effortlessness because you will know yourself more and accept and love yourself more.

57:56Lewis Howes:And the relationship you choose to be in with someone, you will have so many tools to connect with that person and to know whether it's going to be, you know, you should move forward or not, or if you're in alignment or not. And the tools you'll have, it doesn't mean it's going to be a perfect relationship, but you're going to feel more at peace in the relationship. And I think that's what all men want is to feel peace in their relationship. Not like they're in a constant battle or fight or my woman doesn't accept me or she's always demanding more, whatever it is.

58:34Lewis Howes:Lewis Howes.

59:04Lewis Howes:And I was like, I don't want that in my life. So why ever get married? You know, I was afraid of it. But when I learned how to heal some of that, those parts inside of me, it gave me a different perspective. Yeah. Well, I think the pre-marriage therapy is an amazing idea. I think like it should be a - Required. I'm telling you, man, there'd be a lot less divorce. It doesn't mean you may not have challenges, but I think it's, you're going to know who the person is. if they're honest with these things. We talked about everything in this premarital stuff. Everything. We had a, and money was a big fear of mine as well.

59:39Lewis Howes:Like, oh, what if she's just with me? And what if she wants to divorce me? And what if she wants to steal my money? Like all these things, all the fears come out. I've worked my ass off for 15 years to build this thing. Can someone can just take it out? You know, it's like all these insecurities. So it's about getting alignment and just having these really uncomfortable conversations before you just say, everything's going to work out. It's going to be beautiful. like no i want to talk about it all yeah and it was incredible you know what i sometimes i'm never really sure about how to deal with this and that is to either keep a relationship private out of sight out of mind or you're gonna be like fully public about it so and this can depend on a different scenario so like i'm probably you consider me as a public figure like people know who I am now if you're introducing a partner who isn't who's like super low-key into that world that's like a lot and like already I don't I don't want to expose them to that because they don't know how to handle it I can handle it I've got thick skin or there's another scenario which you probably have experienced where you're both public figures and then publicly you know you putting yourselves out there for the world to see yeah I mean I'm sure that can come with its own obstacles and even like this like that do you believe in the evil eye like oh yeah if you're i mean i believe in yeah yeah you are like from the outside it looks like a perfect couple like you both look so happy the amount of people would be jealous of that and would want to tear that down you want to wait for a while until you're announcing stuff and i you know i made a mistake in the past i was in a previous relationship with someone who's also had a big following and very public and things like that and she wanted to start talking about it right away and i was like uh it didn't feel right for me yeah but she was like you don't love me and that you and i was it wasn't the right relationship i had a lot of lessons to learn from that but that whole it was like if i'm not if we're not posting about each other and she was like you don't love me and i go this just seems off for me right i've had that before it's just like exhausting and then i was like but i'm not happy behind the scenes like i'm not this it feels like a lie to me you know what i mean and i didn't want to do it so it felt like pressure and all that stuff it wasn't i I had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way, which was nothing wrong with this person is all me that I had to learn.

1:02:00Lewis Howes:So, um, but I was very intentional with Martha, my wife, when we started dating, I was like, listen, and she's, you know, massive celebrity in Mexico. She's done 40 movies. She's like a big, she in heroes, heroes. I don't know. She did altered carbon, which was like a big show. Oh yeah. That's the first season. Yeah. Um, and she's done other movies with like Keanu Reeves and whatever, big actors. Um, but she, she's done 40 movies you know and she's we can't walk in the street in mexico without a mob right so it's like part of the reason she moved to la was like just to have some more like space and peace and she can live her life here but we go back there and she's mobbed you know what i mean so it's like she's even bigger you know um now my podcast is translated in spanish and i do have a big spanish community now down there which is so when people come up to me and they're like watching them like, Hey, I got people here too.

1:02:57Lewis Howes:But early on, I was like, listen, let's, let's take this slow and let's be intentional about this. And that's even today, we don't post a ton about each other together, maybe like once every couple of months, like actually just did something today. I just added it, but it's not like we need to document our life together. I like that better, especially now that we have kids, like we haven't posted like the faces of our kids and it's like hey let's be very intentional if we're gonna post about these things why what's the purpose behind it and and i don't know if i want to like share anything about my kids like their faces like i've shared a couple things of like not showing their faces but i'm like i don't know if i want that yet i don't know if i have a clear like decision whether that's good or bad right or wrong like and if i don't know we shouldn't do it yeah until it feels authentic like let's not just like do it because we're going to get a lot of attention yeah i'm Sure, the moment I do it, boom, it explodes.

1:03:51Yeah. Is that the right way to do it? I know some people that are using their kids just for engagement.

1:03:57Lewis Howes:100%, because you're going to get engagement. Yeah. And I'm not saying it's bad or wrong. I'm just saying, what is the value that I have right now? And when I look back on this and regret it, what my kids think they were being taken advantage of when they're older, where they say, huh, that was weird. Mom and dad, like, why'd they do that? Shoving a camera in my face. Yeah. And again, I'm not saying, I'm not judging people either way. Like what they want to do is what they want to do. This is not me. Like a parenting advice. I'm five months in, I have no clue what I'm doing, but I'm just saying I want to be intentional about it.

1:04:28Lewis Howes:And maybe we'll post some stuff in the future. I don't know. But, um, does she have similar values too? Yeah. Yeah. And I think she was like thinking, listen, you know, she told me at one point, like, oh, all the press, like once, like all these magazines want to do like the announcement or whatever. And I go, I don't think we should do anything. Like, I don't think we should give anyone some exclusive, like with the face of our kids. She was like, yeah, I think you're right. You know, she was just letting me know like, Hey, and I think people can go on autopilot because I see others doing it.

1:05:01Lewis Howes:They're like, oh, we're just supposed to do this. But I'm like, maybe we do it in the future, but it doesn't feel right. Right. It doesn't feel in alignment. And I just want to make sure I'm doing something that's in alignment. And it doesn't mean everything I say is perfect and everything I do, like maybe I shouldn't to do it but if like something's off let's just pause and um yeah so she's been she's been great about it so have you um how have you adapted to being a father and that like it's a big shift it's a lot man we had you know we have twin girls five months old and is it like double the work or is it in a way it's like quadruple yeah because i feel about this i was like is it better to have if you're gonna have two kids is it better to have them two or three years apart or is it better to just kind of get out of the way and have them both at the same time i think it's probably pros and cons of both i don't know we don't know any other way but it is a full-time full-on non-stop thing and we have you know we have a nanny at night nanny that helps out we have a day person that helps out and they're amazing and i don't know here's what i do know like if i'm with my kids for three hours i'm exhausted not in a negative way it's just like it's two at one so maybe one is different i don't know but all i know is like i'm feeding two at one they both need your attention like you have to change them every two hours it's like a whole thing then they're crying and then they're you don't know what's wrong and like okay they gotta sleep they gotta wake up they gotta eat it's like a non-stop thing yeah and somehow the mother knows what the problem is but the yeah and i think and it's like and i'll try to hold my babies and sometimes they want to be held by me and something and then they're just like crying they just want their mom right it's like they just want to be with that energy and so i have a so much more respect for moms i don't know how moms do it alone i really don't know how moms do it alone because martha uh a week and a half after she got out of the uh after she delivered them she went to the er and it was like a very scary thing where um i don't know we didn't know if she was going to make it or not it was like she was looking me in the eyes like saying save the babies she was like the life was leaving her it was one of those moments it was like felt like a movie and it was there was a moment where i was like oh shit i'm about to be a single dad with twin girls where i know have zero clue what i'm gonna do and it was like a scary moment it was 12 hours in the er it was like like what you see on tv with like beeping ah you know doctors running around they couldn't get her her heart rate down, her blood pressure down.

1:07:30Lewis Howes:They were pumping in drugs. Nothing was working and like the life was leaving her. And I don't know how moms do it, man. So for the first six weeks, she went to the ER twice and she was in the hospital for almost like a month, right? So it was, it was dark. It was heavy. It was dark. It was a lot and it was exhausting. And And you're trying to also enjoy like the beauty of life, but my wife is not doing well. Without support, I don't know how we have done it. Like without her family, my family, without like nanny support, like I would have been clueless what I'm doing. And so what she has had to experience and overcome in these first five months, she's doing way better.

1:08:15Lewis Howes:She's doing amazing right now, but it took a few months. And, um, I imagine she's has put everything on pause, everything, everything, everything. and she also wanted to she wanted to be a mom for at least a year like full time like going all in and um you know she's got two massive podcasts with millions of followers she writes scripts she does movies she does commercials she does she's the host of the mass singer in lat america she's like a judge on the mass singer which is a big show she's she does two or three movies a year she's always doing stuff so she's had to pause those things allow her body to heal be a mom be there, but even being there, she's still exhausted.

1:08:57Lewis Howes:That's even having support. It's like exhausting. It's a beautiful exhausting, but it's like a lot of work. And so - I said, yes, it's a sacrifice. It is full on. And it's almost like a death of the old self. She was used to always like the next premiere, the next movie, the next thing. And it's like, no, this is your life right now. And she's always wanted to be a mom. So she's loving it, but you still have to allow something. You have to let go of something older. She can step into this new life. And there is a grieving of the old self, the old identity that if you haven't truly wanted this, you're going to resist it, but she wanted it.

1:09:38So. Did you feel like you had any of that knowing that you're now going to have an extra two people in your family? It's crazy, man. I mean, you are clearly quite an ambitious person.

1:09:47Lewis Howes:Yeah, it's crazy, man. It's, um, I, like I was telling you before we started, like I, I'm sure I could have figured it out if I'd done it sooner, but I felt like I was really ready to have kids. Like I wanted them now before I didn't, I didn't want them. It's not that I, I just know I wouldn't have been ready emotionally. Yeah. And maybe I would have figured it out, but I just think I would have made a lot more mistakes if I was in my twenties, early thirties and had kids. Cause also wasn't with the right people. So I feel like I would have been. tried to be a good dad, but wouldn't have been a good partner.

1:10:20Lewis Howes:And we would have broken up. And I didn't want to recreate that life for my kids. I wanted to have a really solid partnership. And so there's a few things is like, you got to have the right partnership. Yes. The finances also have to be solid. And then, yeah, you've got to, you got to emotionally also be ready. And here's the thing you may never, I mean, I'm sure there's people that had kids in their twenties that had none of that and they still made a beautiful life you know what i mean so it's like i just don't think i had the ability to do that maybe i would have figured it out but i think you would have figured out yeah but i've been i would have fumbled through it though you know my 20s or something so but i i chose at a you know the right person for me and i had all these conversations beforehand about the type of father I wanted to be and also what I'm not going to be.

1:11:17Lewis Howes:I was like, I'm not a 50-50 guy. I'm not a, okay, your turn to take care of the babies and change them. And then I do this and we both wake up. I was like, I'm not that guy. And I said this before we got married. I was like, this is the type of father that I want to be. I want to be all in for my kids, but I want to play a certain role. I don't want to play the 50-50 role where we do 50-50 everything. I go, I'm a hundred of my role and I want you to be a hundred of your role. And I'll share, obviously I'll be flexible in certain areas when needed, but don't expect me to change diapers every day.

1:11:51Lewis Howes:Don't expect me to wake up in the middle of the night and do these things, but expect me to go above and beyond over here. Expect me to be fully present and committed. Expect me to give, provide whatever you need. Expect me to love you. Like expect these things. She was like, yeah, I don't need you to change diapers. I don't need you to get up and be tired also. I need you to provide. So she was clear on her values. Like I met a person who also said like, I don't think a man should be changing diapers. You know, it's not part of my values. Where in American culture, it's more of like 50, 50, and you should be doing this.

1:12:25Lewis Howes:And then I'm going to go back to work and we're going to split everything. And it's like, no, I said, this is how I want to live my life. Doesn't mean it's right or wrong, but it's how I want to do it. and she was in alignment with those values and so there's more harmony that's good i mean anybody who is in a happy relationship and they have kids and they seem to doing the right thing like i'm i just absorb everything i'm like why is this working for them what is it that they're doing because i want to also do the same course but at the same time i also i'm really curious to learn from the mistakes of others like anyone who's been through a divorce i'm like okay why what didn't work out and i think as we've discussed you know usually it's just like a lot of time either men are just blinded by lust or you know it was the value i've had a few people say to me different values you've got different values you're gonna work out yeah probably or it's just gonna be friction and that's why it's really important i that's why i would give an experiment to any guy say do not have sex for at least three months if you can yeah and have all the values conversations up front and ask yourself, would I like to have, you know, 10 ,000 meals with this person if I never had sex with them?

1:13:39Lewis Howes:Yeah. If the answer is no, it doesn't mean you don't have to have sex with them in the future, but I'm just saying, if you can't enjoy their company without sex, knowing that's coming later in the night or the next day, you probably shouldn't be with them unless you get all the values figured out first. Yeah. And I never did that until I was like 37, seven you know so i just kept kept repeating that pattern thinking the next person is going to be the next part you know never happened i needed to be the next person yeah i think a lot of this is definitely needed on particularly on social media i mean the amount of i don't know if it's my algorithm but i'm sometimes shown some really weird stuff which is almost like just promoting the wrong kind of thing promoting cheating but like even from women like from both parts them just not willing to put the effort in to fix something there's a this mindset or society at the moment where people are just like oh it doesn't work out or something bad happens or an argument it's like okay move on there's the other option on bc do e well i think you gotta ask yourself am i am I having fun with this person or am I actually trying to build something for this person?

1:14:55And a lot of, you know, a lot of my life was thinking of fun and then it was like, oh,

1:15:00Lewis Howes:we like each other and we're having fun together and there's chemistry. Like, let's just get together. You know, it wasn't thoughtful and I take responsibility for that. And I was also afraid to talk about values. Like I was afraid to get vulnerable and really be like, this is what I want? Cause I didn't know what I wanted. I really just wanted to like have fun. I didn't want it to be serious. Yeah. But then it was like, oh, I'm actually starting to like this person. Now it's becoming serious. And it just kind of fell into this thing as opposed to being intentional. Like, what is it I want? Do I want a beautiful relationship or am I in a season of just want to have fun?

1:15:35Lewis Howes:Okay. If you're in a season of wanting to have fun is almost impossible to find of woman who really just wants to have fun. It's almost impossible. They might say it. They might say, I'm the fun girl. I don't need serious. Let's just be casual. But their nervous system is saying something else to them. They might try that for a few months with you, but eventually they're going to chemically bond with you. It is impossible unless you're with a sociopath where they're not going to chemically bond with you when you have sex. It's got to be impossible unless they are so detached from their nervous system and their soul, then do you really want to be with that person?

1:16:17Lewis Howes:I mean, it's like, okay, you might as well just pay for it then, right? It's like, okay, then just do that and just know it's a transaction and you move on. But even then, I'm not, by the way, I'm not endorsing that, but I'm just saying, because that has its own spiritual consequences, I think, and you have to heal from that eventually. But if that's the season you're in, do that. So you're not stringing someone along. At least both parties know what you're getting into. Right. And again, I don't think that's going to help you in your future relationship. Um, no judgment of the way, but I just think there's something missing as well within us if we're doing that.

1:16:52Lewis Howes:Yeah. And I chased girls in the past that I just wanted to hook up with and that was it. And sure it might've felt good, but then it didn't feel good eventually. Like my soul in the future didn't like that. You know what I mean? And I just think you got to know what season you're in. And I don't know. It's not easy. It's not easy thing to talk about. Yeah. Because I know you and I have probably done stuff in the past like, ah, maybe we shouldn't have done that, but it was fun. And it was cool. And this and this, but. I think the season thing is completely fine. You're going to have periods where.

1:17:28Of course. maybe the relationship side of your life is just going to suck a little bit especially if you're building you're growing like you to like to try and grow a business and to also try and build or maintain yeah a solid relationship it's possible but usually you're going to put most or all of your efforts into growing the business and then your partner's gonna be like we don't do anything yeah are we gonna like go out we're gonna travel and you're just like look i'm gonna build this

1:17:55Lewis Howes:things on the flip side i hear you and i built my whole business in relationships that drained the life out of me okay and i kept saying to myself man i imagine had i been with someone that gave me life yeah i felt like i'd be 20 times bigger because for a decade plus i was in different relationships where i felt like i was a six out of a ten because i was constantly fighting energies And I was constantly like dealing with emotions and it was like sucking the life out of me. And I don't know how I built these things in those relationships. And now with a beautiful relationship, it takes thought, it takes commitment, it takes time.

1:18:35Lewis Howes:And also not doing other things to pour into the relationship. But it gives me fuel. It gives me energy to build the empire. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I'm not wasting time doing stuff. Like I'm more intentional with time. Yeah. I say no to a lot more. so you got to make sure you're in a relationship that brings you energy but you also have to give that energy that's renewable not that sucks the life out of you so if you're just chasing girls on the weekends you're constantly creating little micro connections and chemically bonding with someone if you're sleeping with them and then you're unwinding it and then you're recreating that drug of feeling every weekend, and it's the greatest high, but what are you building energy towards?

1:19:22Lewis Howes:More of the chase for the high? It's not sustainable long-term, is what I'm saying. Sure, you can have seasons of it, but then eventually you got to reclaim that energy for something greater than the chase into building something. Yeah, you mentioned about building the empire. What's still on the table that you've not yet done that you want to do i mean obviously being the best father possible is yeah the new thing you've done like the podcast been going what 12 years strong 13 years 13 years i don't think about the money side or the business side of things of the empire for me i mean i think about it but i'm not like i need to conquer this next big milestone you know it's like i've got 25 million plus on all of our platforms like, okay, we can get to 50 million.

1:20:14Lewis Howes:Great. But I'm not thinking I need to be double. If it happens, great. If it doesn't happen, I'm okay. I've written three New York time bestsellers. I don't need a fourth to feel like I'm enough. You know what I mean? It's like, this is an amazing acceptance speech by Jim Carrey. That was like, uh, you know, uh what do you say i'm two-time golden globe winner jim carrey and when i'm three-time golden globe winner jim carrey then i'll be enough you know it's like how many more things do i need i don't need more accomplishments what i would love is deeper impact deeper service just because i feel like that's what i'm designed to do yeah and so i think it's how can i serve and if it's just serving you today, one person, how can I be my best in this service of interaction?

1:21:09Lewis Howes:If it's to my audience of 20 million plus or 50 million, whatever it is in the future, how can I serve? Do I want to make more money? Yes. Because I want to do more good in the world. Do I have a number? No. I'm not like, I need to hit this number, then I'll feel enough. I feel enough at this moment. The thing that I want to do in the next two and a half years is be an Olympic athlete, is go to the Olympics playing with Team USA in handball. And that has been essentially my dream and on my bucket list my whole life to be an Olympian. And for the last 17 years while I've been playing this sport with the national team on and off, it's been my vision to be an Olympian.

1:21:51Lewis Howes:And this is the last chance that I'll have. I'll be 45. It'll be hosted here in LA. And there's a chance I can make the team. I have to stay healthy. I have to continue to get better. I have to add value to the team. There's tough competition right now, but I know if I don't go all the way to the end, giving it my all, that I'll regret it if I don't go all the way. If I believe God shows me that it's not meant for me, but I went all the way, I can be at peace about it. And I think sometimes we need the accomplishments to feel like we did something. And as cliche as this sounds, the journey of the last 17 years of who I've become in learning the sport, becoming better, building the relationships, overcoming the challenges, overcoming injuries, it's taught me so much as well.

1:22:44Now I still have that carrot at the end, which is Olympic, you know, Olympian, Olympic athlete, which is like my childhood dream.

1:22:54Lewis Howes:My five-year-old self watching the Olympics on TV thinking, gosh, wouldn't that be incredible to do that one day? It would be the, I get chills thinking about it. It would be the greatest full circle moment to be at the Olympics wearing USA across my chest on the court in the Jersey playing in front of my home country. It'll be the greatest moment for my athletic career. It'll be a 40 year journey since I remember watching it as a kid. And it would be like, I did it. and I'll be so grateful and happy. And I also know there is nothing guaranteed. I may not be alive at that point. I don't know. I hope I am.

1:23:39Lewis Howes:Maybe it happens. Maybe it doesn't. But all I can control is how I show up every single day to put myself in the best position to make the team. That's what I can control. And another Jim Carrey quote that he said, he was saying a few years ago that he was going to retire from acting in an interview. Jim Carrey's the guy I've always wanted to interview from the beginning he's my top five right he would be he'd be incredible because he's really about spirituality and self-reflection and meditation and like the success all these things I just think he's fascinating right I want to he's my top five guests that I want to have on since day one for 13 years I've been trying to get him on constantly I send emails to his publicist every few months for the last 13 years he doesn't really do appearance doesn't do much right now but anyways he did this another interview I feel like he should.

1:24:27Lewis Howes:God, he'd be fascinating. He would make a difference. A positive impact. He would make a huge difference. But whatever, he's been in the limelight for 40 years. He's done all this stuff in the past. But anyways, he did this interview where he was like, yeah, I think I'm retiring from acting. Just a few years ago. And the host who's interviewing him was like, you can't retire. You're so good. You're Jim Carrey. We'll miss you. And he goes, I'm going to say something that no one in Hollywood will ever say. or ever admit and he goes i've done enough i have enough i am enough yeah i remember that and i was like dang i was like now easy for jim carrey to say after he's won all the awards and 40 years of acting and all the success and you know however much he's made easy for him to say then but people are always holding on to like fame and power and relevance like forever, you know, it's like, and he got back into acting, he's doing it still, but I think he's not doing interviews for whatever reason, because it doesn't need to, you know, maybe he likes a little bit of privacy now.

1:25:34Lewis Howes:I don't know, but for me, it's about, it's not about sure. I want to build an empire. I want it to be bigger. Sure. But I know I'm enough just having this conversation with you. I know I'm enough spending hours a day with my daughters now. I know I'm enough being there with my wife. And yes, you still have to live through a material world and provide and make money and pay your bills. But like a number of like making a hundred million dollars or exiting a company for a billion dollars, like I'm not thinking like that anymore. And I don't think I ever really thought like I need to have this much money.

1:26:11Lewis Howes:And it doesn't mean I don't want to make a lot more money, but I also know that i'm enough even if i don't and so it's kind of like a balance of like yes i need to focus on if you're running a business you got to make money and want to grow and you want to sell like i'm driven but i'm also good yeah well you're you're doing a very good job if someone's gonna say i'll say it um i'm curious from the becoming an olympian and actually get to the point where you're gonna get selected for the team how much training does that actually require takes a lot takes a lot of training i mean it's like because anyone who has won a medal they've worked their ass off for it worked their ass off man i mean i've been on and off the national team since 2010 or 11 was my first time in the national maybe it's 2011 i can't remember but it's been on and off for the last 15 16 years that i've played with the team and i haven't played with the national team in five or six years now, but I just got back into training almost two years ago because I took four or five years off from a couple injuries, from life, from breakups, from COVID.

1:27:16Lewis Howes:They stopped playing for a while. And so I thought I was going to retire. But then I went to Paris to watch the Olympics in 2024 because I wanted to see if the fire and the dream was still alive. And right away it was. And I was like, okay, I have four more years to train for this. I need a game plan. I need to figure out the right routine. I need to hire the team, the coaches. I need to figure out what's next. And I started recommitting to the dream. And I never fully left it, but I hasn't been fully active in it for like four or five years before that. When COVID happened, it kind of just threw things off for me.

1:27:53Lewis Howes:But in 2024, I was like, I'm recommitting to this and I'm going all in as long as I feel I'm meant to go all in. If something tells me otherwise, okay, I'll stop. But right now, I can't, I can't let it go because otherwise I'll regret it. Yeah. So it's been almost two years of just like, I took, I, I bought the LA handball team five months ago. We had a whole season. We just won the national championship earlier this, this month. Yeah. Uh, I went to Spain last year, twice to play with professional team to train. Like I'm doing all the things I need to do to try to set myself up for success and give myself a chance.

1:28:29Lewis Howes:I'm playing against guys who are, you know, 22 years old, 23 years old. These guys, this is all they do. I've got a business. I've got kids. I'm married. I've got all these other things now, but I also have wisdom. I have experience. I have the ability to think differently and train differently. Whereas 20 years ago, I was about going the extra mile, doing six hours a day, two a days, and I could do that. My body can't handle that now. The whole goal is to be healthy at the last moment to be available to play. If I hurt myself, there's no chance. So the mindset is now actually do not the bare minimum, but do the most with the least damage.

1:29:12Lewis Howes:Do the most training, but not the extra mile. Be dangerous just enough, but be able to use wisdom and your mindset and other skills to be able to put yourself in the position on the court where you don't have to hurt yourself. And it's just a different mindset because I never thought that way. It's so hard to be like, but I need to train harder. I need to lose weight faster. I need to build muscle. It's actually patience. Yeah. More recovery, more rest. Don't do it. It's so hard, man. Yeah. Because I just want to train more. Yeah. I feel like I'm behind, but it's like, well, if you're going to hurt yourself, you're going to be really behind.

1:29:52Lewis Howes:So you need to give yourself the ability to be available in 2028. Mm-hmm. when they select the team and they'll select the team, you know, a couple months before. They're always bringing in different guys. Like there's a core group, but then they bring in different guys who would get called up or called down. So it's, it's, I'm waiting right now to get that call back up for a training camp to allow me to train with the team, practice with the team. And in the meantime, I'm surrounding myself with the best players possible. Former Olympians I have on my team now from Europe I brought in to train with me.

1:30:26Lewis Howes:So I'm bringing in guys who have way more experience than USA national team guys to teach me and to learn. And so it's like doing all the steps possible to set myself up for that chance. Man, I'd love to see it. If I'm going to the Olympics, you better be there. I'll be there. Let's go, baby. Come on. Awesome, man. Well, we'll wrap up there because studio time is up. Where can everyone find you? school of greatness or lewis house on social media awesome man you give me a lot to think about today and hopefully everyone who's watching this and i imagine it's predominantly men it's been a big help what's the thing the biggest thing that opened up for you that maybe stung you the most or made you say oh there's something i need to take a look at after this yeah i need there's what is that there's work that i need to do what is that one thing i need to i think i need to have regular sessions with somebody and just let it all out there put it all on the table and see see what's what am i not like letting go of what am i what is the thing that's potentially a big thing which is going to be hold me back in relationships to like fully give myself to someone and to be a good partner, I think.

1:31:43Lewis Howes:Interesting. Yeah. That's beautiful, man. What, when, what would it take for you to do that first session? By when? And I'm not saying you got to force yourself to do this, but if you know this is something you need to do, you could do it in a year, five years. I'll do it next month. Next month. Yeah. By what day? I'm going to text you. By the end of the second week of April. Okay. So April 15th. Yeah. You'll do one session. Yeah. Okay. You'll, you'll research, you'll find someone you'll do a set it doesn't matter if it's in person or online doesn't matter do whatever you want yeah and it doesn't have to be that i'm just if that's what you feel called to do yeah great it could be something else it could be i'm gonna do a workshop or whatever i don't know but no i think you don't have to do it also i'm just saying what do you think your life will improve through the next step in your life i think i'm holding on to some stuff from younger that i just need to confront or let go of yeah i think yeah i've just like avoided it you've ran away from it yeah like what i did for a long time man yeah you became successful yeah but imagine there'd be a next level of success i think if i if i conquer this 100 yeah yeah my man i appreciate you having me thank you brother

1:33:07Thank you.