Louise Reads Her Teenage Diary...From Heartbreak to Advice

0:00Louise: Sam's been an amazing support to me when I've not been well.

0:02Ryan: What was it like seeing your bro in hospital?

0:04Louise: Yeah, I could see that he was really scared.

0:07Ryan: I'm choosing to protect you from that part of my history because actually there's nothing for you to gain.

0:11Louise: Dude, we need to get out more. I'm going to Fabrec tonight and I'm quite literally going to... I can't actually say that.

0:20Ryan: Oh my god.

0:21Louise: No, but I actually can't say it. I love it because I'm dying. What was it say?

0:24Ryan: Jump on some f***ing hunting.

0:30Louise: So Sam had this surgery this week. Yeah.

0:33Ryan: I don't know too much about it.

0:35Louise: Do you not?

0:36Ryan: No.

0:37Louise: I'm surprised he hasn't chewed your ear off about this. Because he loves talking to you about his problems.

0:44Ryan: Maybe this was, yeah, maybe he comes to me with the less important stuff. Maybe this was like a real issue for him. Which is why he only came to you probably. So basically Sam has had this ulcer on his vocal cord

0:57Louise: that apparently you can only get if you talk too much or you shout a lot or if you're a singer. Sam's not a professional singer, so I think he's just talking too much.

1:04Ryan: He's a professional talker.

1:05Louise: He is a professional talker. People always used to say that when we were growing up. What about him? Yeah, that he was a professional talker, that he got really crap grades. I think they could spell like fuck or something. But he had the gift of the gab, so he would always get to where he needed to be through talking. And actually - Well, that was true. So that has always been his power. And to have that -

1:26Ryan: It's been removed.

1:28Louise: Removed. It's probably really scary for him.

1:32Ryan: So he's on a silent retreat for the next three days.

1:34Louise: He's on absolute vocal rest. He'd pop around a few times and mentioned that he was going in for the surgery on the Tuesday. And then it dawned on me that actually he didn't have anyone that was offering to come and collect him. So I thought it was probably our duty. I don't think he even told our parents that he was having the surgery.

1:52Ryan: Really?

1:53Louise: No. And he was so, so grateful. who said you don't need to but he's so useless you know like he doesn't he didn't know where he was having it he didn't know what time he had to be there he didn't know about the pre-prep before and as someone that obviously does have experience I was like you need to just jump on on a call with the nurse beforehand so I had to like be I mean I'm sure he has like a gazillion people working with him so I basically had to play PA and and speak to the nurse and find out when he when he needed to go in and do all of that basically be his mom he's quite innocent in fact he's very

2:27Ryan: innocent in that way it is innocent the right word uh it's a polite word um naive yeah yeah i think he's still quite immature no not immature but he is quite young like everyone always says he's a young 33 he's young and vulnerable he's young he needs his big sister vulnerable yeah

2:43Louise: and he also has had women do things for him his entire life that's true like my mom molly coddled him zara did a lot for him pip is now his therapist he has yeah strong women that's true take care of business and maybe we're enabling him but uh i think he was like pretty happy for me to step in and just take care of some of the groundwork so yeah he had the procedure for anyone that was worried about him it went really well although i don't know if it did go well because His consultant didn't even come around to see him.

3:17Ryan: Really?

3:18Louise: No. So he had it at the London clinic. I went to go and collect him, got a call from the nurse late in the evening. They'd shut the road down because they were filming a movie on the street. But for a while, I like, I maybe thought that there was going to be some drama.

3:31Ryan: Yeah. I thought maybe someone from the royal family was in the, in the clinic having a procedure,

3:37Louise: which was why they'd closed the road.

3:38Ryan: Or he's just a lot more famous than we realize.

3:40Louise: Well, I mean, he, yeah. He can come under him. It was weird with the shoe being on the other foot. Sam's been an amazing support to me when I've not been well. It was the least that I could do to go and pick him up. They actually had put him at the end of this tunnel. And I knew he would freak out about that because he'd been there all day waiting for this procedure. And it kept getting pushed back because other people had more important or more pressing needs. When I saw him, he actually looked like shit. Like he, I normally, quite often when people come around in a recovery room, they've had so much morphine or fentanyl that they're really jolly.

4:18Louise: And so I'd said to Sam before he went in, don't worry about it. You're going to have the best time of your life. Like this is going to be the best sleep of your life. And there were a few of us at home when, before he went in, before he got in a cab to go to the clinic. And we were all like, yeah, it's going to be amazing. just lean into it when they put that gas mask over you and they slip the drugs into your veins you'll go out so quickly before you can even think about anything you might start saying really silly stuff yeah so it was a full general anaesthetic and he's never had one before

4:49Ryan: no me neither

4:49Louise: you've never had one?

4:51Ryan: no my god what was it like seeing your bro in hospital then? I'd imagine that's pretty horrible

4:55Louise: I thought it would be like funnier yeah

4:58Ryan: well because you thought he might be quite cheeky I thought it would be so funny yeah yeah but you saw him and you thought oh yeah i could see that he was really scared um and actually i think that there is something

5:09Louise: really scary about not being able to communicate like losing a sense yeah is is petrifying like

5:16Ryan: even the idea of that you know he's quite animated with his face and eyes though he can get away with

5:21Louise: it like you could you'd be fine in it no yeah he uses his words so much yeah but you both use your eyes and face a lot okay well he couldn't so we were trying to play charades but he just didn't have the energy for that like he looked pretty gray and he was sat there trying to digest a bit of ice cream it was a one-way conversation asked him a few questions tried to make him laugh there was no laughter he just had to write everything down on this little piece of paper that we can share share on social media or on youtube if you want to have a look his scrawls um But yeah, and the panic is pretty obvious there.

6:00Ryan: So you felt sorry for him? A bit sad?

6:02Louise: Yeah, he doesn't do well in that environment.

6:05Ryan: Neither would I.

6:06Louise: I think he's so, he likes to busy himself, to distract himself from any pain or having to overthink. He's always the happy-go-lucky Labrador puppy that everybody loves. But there is a different side to Sam that people don't see very often. But just like everybody, he's got a sad side and an emotional side and a vulnerable side. And when he can't lean on humour, I don't know, it forces you to kind of look at other things or like rely on other things.

6:34Ryan: Yeah.

6:34Louise: Like he was painfully awkward.

6:36Ryan: Yeah.

6:36Louise: We're just, as a family, we're just so awkward. Like we like to talk and fill the silences. And so him just standing around, I think he probably feels a bit useless, a bit uncomfortable. And also probably really agitated.

6:49Ryan: There's a big part of me that wants to sort of make joke of this because he's, because if it was me in this situation.

6:55Louise: He'd find it absolutely hilarious. It's a complete arsehole.

6:57Ryan: But what you're giving me is that actually you feel that he's quite innocent and vulnerable right now. So I don't want to be too...

7:04Louise: Well, he sent me a message actually this morning saying, Hey, can I come round at all today? Is there anything I can help with?

7:14Ryan: No, he didn't. No, he didn't.

7:16Louise: He said, is there anything that you need my help with that doesn't require talking? And I was like... Many things. Because I told him to just lean into this three day period of total relaxation. He's got a full week off of work, which is so rare for him. Like the guy refuses to go on holiday or have a good time. And I said, maybe do a bit of writing.

7:38Ryan: Well, he actually says, I actually told him to write a book.

7:41Louise: But I knew that this would happen, that he'd come, that he would start like soul searching. and then he'd start temporarily become a really really lovely helpful person and it's already happening we're less than 24 hours in and he's he's offering to do nice things

7:58Ryan: I can't believe that so is he going to be at home I think actually he's going to come

8:03Louise: and bloody crash the podcast he said that he's going to come here he's coming to the studio he's so bad luck everybody there's something about to happen

8:10Ryan: no no I don't know whether

8:12Louise: I don't know what time he's coming I asked him to stay at home so he could collect my parcels but I think he's going to come here instead.

8:17Ryan: Oh my God.

8:18Louise: I did offer to give him a key. Sorry, we actually did give him a key.

8:21Ryan: No, he actually wrote down.

8:23Louise: Did he ask for one?

8:24Ryan: He asked for a key.

8:25Louise: And I've given him like three, which means he's lost them all. But I said that he could stay over our house for a few days if he wanted to.

8:33Ryan: Sorry, did he write on a bit of paper, can I have a key to the house?

8:36Louise: Yeah. Isn't that sweet?

8:39Ryan: That is quite sweet. I can't imagine that happening.

8:41Louise: He's so fucking lucky to have us. We're the best neighbours ever.

8:44Ryan: What happens when we move away or he moves away?

8:46Louise: That's the problem. We can't ever move.

8:49Ryan: Oh, great. But no, but seeing your brother in hospital, I can imagine that being really, really difficult. I'd hate to see my brother in hospital. Although my middle brother has recently had the SNP, so.

9:00Louise: What? What?

9:02Ryan: Yeah. I didn't know that. That was an in and out procedure.

9:06Louise: Wait, but did he tell his wife?

9:08Ryan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

9:10Louise: Oh my fucking God. But you know they can reverse that? Can I? Yeah, which is weird. So they must just like cut the tube bit.

9:18Ryan: Yeah, I don't know where the incision happens, but it's just, the reason I've just moved my legs is because it gives me like this physical reaction of like,

9:25Louise: Well, because they basically don't want to get preggo again. Well, yeah.

9:29Ryan: Because they're expecting their third in June. Fine. Hmm.

9:33Louise: Do you think that you'd handle being put to sleep well?

9:36Ryan: No. Probably like most men actually, but certainly like Sam in this regard. We just don't do well. We don't do well with that environment. where you're completely at the mercy of the professionals. You have to really just set aside your dignity and just, I don't know, put the gown on, have your wee willy winky out there.

9:53Louise: Like even when you need a blood test at home, you have to lie down.

9:57Ryan: Yeah, but again, I don't think that's unusual for men.

10:01Louise: Actually, most of the nurses that I have met have said that men are the fainters, which is a problem because you're big than us sometimes.

10:12Ryan: women are a lot tougher in that sense for sure well i think that's probably why women give birth

10:16Louise: and men don't have to 100 it's funny because when you had your nose waxed which we did for valentine's day is that my procedure you freaked out yes whereas women have that all the time not like that yeah they do everywhere imagine having that on your vagina and bum hole men yeah i was going to say men expect that but then that would maybe be giving too much away i actually don't do that women sometimes bleach that i don't know why i'm talking too much now but i feel like the new the nozzle the nozzle no no no read the comments bra everyone's saying that the nose doesn't even hurt compared to the other bits yeah that's nothing we should get you in for a back sack and a crack oh my gosh which actually guys do do my dad's uh girlfriend my dad's only ever dated people that work in beauty salons or own a beauty salon isn't that funny really my mum used to own a beauty salon when they met what and his now long-term partner also runs a beauty salon i did not know that your mum was a what she was a beautician yeah what yeah mind-blowing right and so my dad's partial to a little like nose like hair snip what and a little eyebrow trim Yeah, because that's so long and gross.

11:35Louise: Funny, I didn't know that. But yeah, they used to always joke, actually, that's so gross, that they would do that on him. I don't want to think about that.

11:43Ryan: Well, back's back and crack. Yeah, his airy back.

11:47Louise: My dad's actually just had a procedure as well. It's weird, all the main men in my life have just had procedures. So you've had your hair transplant, Sam's had his voice ripped out, and my dad has had some eye surgery.

11:59Ryan: That's right.

12:00Louise: And all of you are like meticulous about your recovery. So I remember how often you were putting the, like, you know, doing the drops in your hair, like washing.

12:11Ryan: No, the saline solution.

12:12Louise: The saline solution. Sam's going to be the same, popping all those meds on time. And my dad's girlfriend actually just sent me a picture a couple of days ago of him on the bus, like putting his eye drops in because he didn't want to miss the window by five minutes. Like get a grip. Some people might think it's cute.

12:30Ryan: You don't.

12:31Louise: It's not one of the quirks that I find attractive. Let's put it that way. I'd prefer a psychopath surgeon. I did once read that a large portion of surgeons or people that work in the medical field are psychopaths because you've got to be slightly less emotional. You've got to cut the body open. Do you? Well, you'd think so. Could you do it?

12:50Ryan: No, no. I think we've established that. Even setting foot into a hospital, I get queasy.

12:55Louise: Yeah, you've got to be quite matter of fact. Matter of fact. You've got to just like get it done. You can't be crying over a body.

13:01Ryan: Yeah, but it's just a different...

13:01Louise: You can't be squealing. They just have...

13:03Ryan: I think... I don't think it's a psychopath.

13:05Louise: But not many people could do that job.

13:07Ryan: No, I agree with that. You could.

13:09Louise: No, I couldn't.

13:11Ryan: That wasn't me calling you a psychopath, just to verify. I'm just saying that you seem to be...

13:15Louise: I cry all the time. I'm an empath.

13:17Ryan: You're quite comfortable. You're quite experienced. Like you love the idea of helping someone. Like you could quite easily, I don't know, fix my...

13:24Louise: No, I don't think so. No? I do like helping people. but I don't think I can cut anyone open with a scalpel. That's one step too far.

13:31Ryan: I'll tell you what I saw yesterday when we were scooting around Bista Village with Leo on his inset day, big day off school. When you're like really into something.

13:42Louise: Oh, fucking hell, Ryan. I don't want to know.

13:45Ryan: When I say into something, I just mean like you're not, usually you've got, I don't know, distractions or you've got various things going on. But when you're cruising down like the shops and you're looking at different brands and in your head you're only thinking about like I wonder what outfit would look good for this event or your neck is doing this the whole time.

14:03Louise: No, stop. That's just a twitch. No, it's not a twitch. It is. It's not.

14:07Ryan: You came like bowling out of a shop to find where me and Leah went and we were only like 10 metres down the road and you came out and you were so deep in your thought and then you started doing this. Like you started stroking this part of your neck. No, I wasn't.

14:17Louise: No, I fucking wasn't. Shut up. You were.

14:20Ryan: That's not okay. That is Louise when she is really present in what's happening right now. She is in the moment. like this you do it at home as well i'll give you an example when you do it the living room which is currently like a very in-between stage of needs a bit of a remodel you'll stand and stare at the wall and you i know what's going through your head you're like should we go yellow should we go orange and it's like you're going you're tossing and you're going like this with your decision

14:45Louise: making i'm like a spaniel then that's what the dogs do when you ask them a question yeah but then you finish it off with like a movement okay fuck off no this is too much i don't want to do

14:54Ryan: this that was cute i found it like very cute as far as like twitches or quirks go that's a cute

15:01Louise: one so i'm quite often like standing at walls on my just having a conversation with myself in my head the inner dialogue is noisy i have a third example of when this happens when you're riding

15:13Ryan: a bike that's it yes because i now prefer you going in front after your crash when it happened

15:19Louise: behind you found my crash hilarious yeah it's nice that you've decided to soften up a bit but

15:24Ryan: Now I follow you. I now see your head doing this.

15:27Louise: On the bike because I'm cycling? Yes. Oh my God.

15:31Ryan: It must be your way of just processing thoughts.

15:33Louise: You know, I didn't used to be this nuts. This is definitely a post trauma problem.

15:39Ryan: No, I actually, actually, no, it's not. You've always had that little tendency. I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it's quite sweet.

15:45Louise: Okay, well, that's good. So it's not off-putting. No, that wasn't me like taking shots at you, by the way.

15:52Ryan: That was just like an observation.

15:54Louise: You know the thing here? Yeah. That's like one of my favourite things. So when I'm, I was going to say when I'm dating people with you, when I like the feeling of that bit, it's like the cupid's bow above someone's mouth. It's like a little indent. It feels really nice to touch.

16:12Ryan: I know. We've been mid-conversation and then just finger will appear on my lip and I'm like, the hell's going on?

16:18Louise: That's why you need to get rid of that horrible moustache and beard.

16:21Ryan: Well, you had a good go last week, didn't you? with that hot wax.

16:24Louise: So some weird things that I think are cute about you.

16:26Ryan: Okay, I have no idea where this is going.

16:28Louise: I wonder if anyone can relate to this. I really like the smell of your beer.

16:32Ryan: Oh my God.

16:34Louise: Like when you smell really intensely.

16:37Ryan: No.

16:37Louise: The other day I could smell you from the other room.

16:41Ryan: Do you know what that is though? I feel like when I'm sick or I've got something happening, my armpits just kick it out. You know?

16:48Louise: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:49Ryan: And I know that Sam would agree with that as well because we had a conversation

16:52Louise: about it one time sam's hideous like he'll come around to our house and be like and fart loads and then go yeah guys i'm not well i can tell when my farts smell really bad that i'm not well and he'll go around like fart near people just so that they can credit whether he's unwell or not

17:09Ryan: so yeah that's weird is a cute my b yeah it's cute you also do this cute thing with cutlery which I used to find a bit strange.

17:18Louise: And now that I love you more, I think it's sweet. It's quite feminine, the way that you hold your knife and fork. And you like to do these tiny little movements to cut the meat, which is so weird because you're such like a masculine big guy. The way you hold your cutlery is really not matching with your personality.

17:37Ryan: There's an answer for this.

17:38Louise: Is there?

17:39Ryan: Yeah.

17:40Louise: You know you're doing it. You scratch away at the plate loads.

17:43Ryan: Because I absolutely...

17:45Louise: Like you can't, with all those muscles, get through a fillet of chicken. You've got to cut each morsel of food like a hundred times, like back and forth in loads of different directions, like moving around the plate. It's really weird. Do you know what I'm talking about?

18:04Ryan: No, but you've told me this whilst we're eating a few times, yes. So I didn't know that it was quite that excessive.

18:12Louise: and then when you shuffle it onto your fork it's like you do that loads like you're really like maybe you like getting like all the different bits of food onto the fork

18:25Ryan: i thought i had a comeback for this but i don't know if i do i just hate the sound of a of a knife or a fork squeaking across a plate that goes right through me and i feel like my parents are

18:34Louise: professionals they do that all the time every time we go down to deafen but that always comes

18:38Ryan: Comes with a big like through something. One of the things that we both do that I think is quite cute as a couple,

18:46Louise: the bird whistle around the house.

18:47Ryan: To get your attention. Yeah.

18:49Louise: Do it. Yeah, yeah.

18:52Ryan: But I much prefer that versus you shouting my name from the top of the stairs.

18:57Louise: So this is the thing. I think in every household there's a shouter. There's someone who's too lazy to walk down the stairs to go and get the attention from their partner to ask a question.

19:11Ryan: At the time, I didn't find this funny. I found it so alarming. But I was in the kitchen and you rattled the glass above me and you were on the roof.

19:18Louise: You got so angry with me. I got locked in the bathroom.

19:22Ryan: Because it was so intense.

19:23Louise: Yeah, okay.

19:24Ryan: I was like, how did you get to that level of intensity?

19:26Louise: You literally looked at me like I was like the ugliest person in the world.

19:30Ryan: I thought that something seriously wrong had happened.

19:32Louise: I got locked in our bathroom. The door handle always falls off and like it's really a nightmare. So then you've got to jump out of the window onto the roof between our house and Sam's. And I just needed to get back in really quickly. So I knocked on the skylight and you got really frustrated.

19:48Ryan: Because I was so alarmed.

19:50Louise: But is that actually why you're annoyed?

19:51Ryan: Yes.

19:52Louise: You looked at me like I was like a massive ogre that had just like slammed through the glass.

19:57Ryan: I was about to go to a hundred thinking that there was a burglar on the roof. Oh, you thought I was a burglar?

20:00Louise: So I scared you. Yeah. You alarmed me. Yeah, yeah. You were scared.

20:05Ryan: I immediately went to that spot of like, okay, here we go. And then it's you being like, I'm locked out of the bathroom.

20:10Louise: I'm like, oh my God. We should be used to that kind of behavior because Sam is regularly on the lightwell. True.

20:28Louise: So now we're moving into March. Coughing season's coming to an end.

20:31Ryan: What's that?

20:32Louise: You haven't heard of Cuffing Season?

20:34Ryan: I have actually, because it came up on my Spotify as a song. And I was like, Cuffing Season? Who was the song by? Not Fred again. He came up on my Spotify this week. Apparently he's a lot more well-known than I've realised. Do you know about Fred again? Who's Fred again? Good.

20:49Louise: What is his name, Fred again?

20:50Ryan: Fred again. So someone's got a song called Cuffing Season?

20:55Louise: Yeah. They've got to be Gen Z. Oh my God, it's fucking Beyonce and I didn't even know about it. Was it Beyonce? Dude, we need to get out more.

21:03Ryan: that's exactly what I'm taking from this. You know what's hilarious?

21:05Louise: Oh my God, we always talk about my dad. Why is he the only interesting person in our lives? He calls Beyonce Bay once, because that's how you spell it. Bay once.

21:15Ryan: Yeah, I see it.

21:16Louise: Yeah.

21:17Ryan: I see it.

21:17Louise: I had no idea who he was talking about. I wonder if he probably knows what cuffing season is. We don't even know what it is.

21:22Ryan: It sounds like it could be a sexual thing, cuffing season. Right. Or some sort of weird manipulative behavioral thing. I don't know, cuffing. that to me just suggests going against someone's like free will almost i don't know what handcuffs well i guess that's where it's yeah i guess that's where i'm going with it

21:43Louise: well it kind of is you're not that far off so essentially single people like to bed down into a relationship between october and march no way yeah it gets cold people are lonely it's pretty depressing around winter so like come autumn people are already preparing for that really rough season and they're thinking i need some companionship no way yeah what's a thing it's actually a thing so that is what coughing season is it's like you're handcuffing someone so that you can get them to move in with you and and enjoy that time together and then as it starts to get a bit lighter and a bit warmer and everyone's a bit happier and you know we already know that guys like see pretty girls in summer dresses out on the street people then break up

22:33Ryan: that's wild so people are signing up for a winter relationship yeah it's like a winter only relationship it's got a term like a shelf life so people tend to already think about dumping

22:43Louise: people around valentine's day because they can't be bothered with the presents and the flowers if they make it through valentine's day it's normally like in the build-up to kind of spring, Easter, like Mother's Day, that kind of season. When people go out to the pub again.

22:58Ryan: Well, yeah.

22:58Louise: They want to be single for all that action.

23:00Ryan: Yeah. What?

23:02Louise: Isn't that crazy? I feel like we didn't have that though when we were younger.

23:05Ryan: Well.

23:07Louise: I was in a permanent relationship. Do you used to do like short-term relationships like that?

23:12Ryan: I don't know.

23:13Louise: For like a couple of months.

23:14Ryan: I wouldn't schedule them in for seasons. They would just happen.

23:18Louise: How many relationships have you been in?

23:23how many times have you told people that you love them wait not people romantic partners

23:31Ryan: i'd see again i don't understand these questions yeah but i just want to know that we've been

23:35Louise: together for 10 years because i already know how this goes it doesn't i won't get annoyed in the

23:39Ryan: same way that me saying the king's road looks better in summer was with floral dresses it will hit something in you where you're like oh i'm gonna bring that one back up in a few weeks no i won't i

23:47Louise: promise you will i think it's wait hang on you're also within your right to have said that you

23:52Ryan: love people no i know but i i am also within my right to keep that in here i just think that

23:59Louise: it's irrelevant information for anyone else long-term relationship no secrets no it's not

24:03Ryan: it's not even a secret it's just what i would choose to give over that's the only thing that

24:07Louise: i don't know i like i know everything are there other things i don't know about you no i'm actually not that secretive love how serious you'll be it's actually really lovely i don't want to think about you saying i love you or receiving those words from someone from anyone else but me or leo

24:25Ryan: to be truthful and why would you want to why would you want to know oh only because it's just part of your history oh only because yeah but like i know you love me you love your family you love your friends like that's that's good i feel confident in that maybe i hold on too tight to it but i ain't going to change.

24:47Louise: But I think that maybe stems from your upbringing because your parents have basically only been with each other, which I think is really an amazing thing. And so the idea of people having other partners before that is almost quite taboo.

25:04Ryan: Wait, that's true. I'm not sure if that's the influencer.

25:08Louise: I think it could be.

25:10Ryan: It might be part of it. I think it's more just I don't know. I just, for me it's a sign of respect or protection if you like yeah i'm gonna i'm choosing to protect you from that part of my history because actually there's nothing for you to be gained there's nothing for you to gain from that that's at least how i see it well that's quite sweet and on that note i've kept all my letters

25:32Louise: from all of my exes that i've got in a bag you have as well you have haven't you that's that's what i can see it glaring at me right there oh no is that what that is is that okay you're gonna have to explain to me real quick why you've kept them i actually don't i didn't really realize how many letters that i had stashed away at home i didn't realize that i was a hoarder why why have you kept them okay so here's the situation god now it so at a time when someone sends you a letter it means something significant to you and you keep it then it's just kept and then it's just in a cupboard and it's not even revisited so I actually completely forgot that I had all these letters I had no idea it was only because we've been having a clear out through the loft and the whole house um that I rediscovered them there is one thing that I go back to like fairly like have gone back to in the past when I've had like a you know a sort out or I've moved house which has been like this purple diary that I had when I was really young when I have been through like the lowest time in my life at that point in time which was when I probably went through the first heartbreak and I've looked back at it not recently but I would maybe like kind of a year later or whenever I felt like I needed to write in it and again when I'd go through a really hard time then I'd look at it and go like oh my god I can't believe I wrote this and I think that's one of the like the joys of having a journal is that or keeping journals you know people have diaries that they've written every year of their life and they keep them i guess in maybe like the hope or the thought that one day they'll get to a place where they'll go back and revisit them and read them and i think people so rarely actually do go back because no one has the time to do that i thought it was like

27:27Ryan: love letters or like valentine's cards i'm not going to read you a love letter when my first

27:31Louise: ever boyfriend's calling me Pooh Bear.

27:33Ryan: That's what's in the bag.

27:34Louise: Isn't that disgusting?

27:35Ryan: Get the Pooh Bear out. The Pooh Bear? No, this Pooh Bear. Get the Pooh Bear letter out now.

27:41Louise: So I've got all these letters here in this bag. Holy fuck. My bag of tricks.

27:49Ryan: Sainsbury's bag, yeah?

27:50Louise: It's so glamorous. Oh my God. That's a bit of Ryan Libby handwriting.

27:57Ryan: You kept one of mine.

27:59Louise: Yeah, I've kept all of yours. Is there a date on that one?

28:03Ryan: Do I date them?

28:04Louise: No, I know when that was, though.

28:06Ryan: When was that?

28:06Louise: That was when I went away. At 10.30am in the morning, you left for Rome. I felt compelled to write to you out of a sense of huge guilt. Stop there. Stop there. No, it's actually nice. Last night, I didn't do enough to support your anxiety around the trip. Amongst other things that you were battling. I wanted to say that I'm genuinely really sorry. It's actually really sweet.

28:28Ryan: Self-awareness, that's best right now. Let me see my handwriting there.

28:31Louise: Oh good, I'm sorry for all my grumps and complaints. I don't want to feel this way. I want the happiest, healthiest life for us all.

28:38Ryan: Wait, hang on. Is this what's happening on this episode?

28:41Louise: No, no, okay, let's put that one back in. This is, this is, this is the real.

28:48Ryan: There's some dark shit in there.

28:50Louise: This is like something out of Clueless.

28:51Ryan: That is horrendous. It's got like roses hanging off it. It's so disgusting. It's like a spell book.

28:57Louise: Look, sorry. Is that a dog? Is that a spaniel? What?

29:00Ryan: You've got a doodle of a spaniel in there.

29:01Louise: No, that is a picture of me. Oh.

29:05Ryan: With spaniel ears, Louise Thompson. Have you drawn lipstick and something there? You have. Sorry, how old are you at this point?

29:12Louise: I've drawn a hi-fi. Is that what it's called?

29:15Ryan: Oh my God, a hi-fi.

29:16Louise: A hi-fi.

29:16Ryan: Throwback, yeah.

29:17Louise: Oh my God, I used to dance to my bed listening to my hi-fi.

29:20Ryan: With your CDs.

29:21Louise: My CD-ROMs. There's a few CD-ROMs in here.

29:24Ryan: Yeah, but these are not made for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mixtape from Boyfriends. summer of 19 fucking whatever

29:30Louise: yeah 2000 oh man

29:32Ryan: this is disgusting

29:33Louise: oh my god oh no what's it four days before my 18th birthday and I've never been less excited or in a worse place in my life I feel like no one cares and I have no one to talk to what because the one person I can and want to talk to hates me and it's causing me to feel this way in the first place

29:52Ryan: who's the one person that hates you

29:54Louise: well this is probably my boyfriend at the time I don't know why he'd hate me I was great he kept cheating on me

30:03Ryan: he kept cheating on you?

30:05Louise: yeah almost every single guy I've ever been with has cheated on me

30:08Ryan: hey karma's a bitch karma's a bitch

30:11Louise: yeah you're right but I've had some bad stuff happen to me so did I deserve that? okay I just didn't realise that someone I thought I trusted could be so fucking selfish and heartless they say that money can't buy happiness now I'm thinking true it's all about love it's all about love and relationships but then if I had all the money in the world then I'd buy a machine that could let me track down that bastard and force him to have to confront his problems and see me. I'm going to Fabrec tonight and I'm quite literally going to

30:45Ryan: I can't actually say that what does it say jump on some dick or something it does doesn't it

30:52Louise: I actually can't say it I love it because I'm dying

30:54Ryan: Wait, I don't even, why do I feel like an urge to look over there and see what's written?

30:59Louise: Oh my God, can't understand why I can't stop crying. Maybe it's because I've been so fucking brave and held in all those tears in for the past few months. Now it's like an explosion of uncontrollable emotions.

31:10Ryan: No, no, no. That cannot be cured. I'm calling time out.

31:12Louise: Wait, sorry, I can see here I've written ha ha ha. So here I've written some tips to myself. I've called it things that spring to mind with an exclamation mark with a heart. Okay. Stop being so paranoid and thinking everything is about you. It's actually great advice. Make an effort with Mark. No idea. Uncle Mark? No, who's Mark? Mark with a C. No. Who is Mark? You tell us. I have no idea who Mark is. Do everything to make other people happy. That's quite sweet.

31:49Ryan: Do everything to make other people happy. Yeah.

31:53Louise: Don't think selfishly. Why did I feel like I was so...

31:57Ryan: I found that really sad that you're writing that. Do everything to make everyone else happy.

32:02Louise: Except criticism. Oh my God. Stop bitching.

32:06Ryan: Good one.

32:07Louise: Make a massive effort with my besties. Don't drink too much. No drugs. No junk food. Carbs. God, I was indoctrinated young.

32:18Ryan: Was there a no in front of that word, carbs? or? Yeah, no junk food carbs.

32:23Louise: No junk food or carbs. I ate a lot of carbs. I never gave that up. Always offer to do things even if I don't want to.

32:33Ryan: No, I can't do this.

32:34Louise: No, but that's not. I don't think, I don't know whether this is to do with a relationship or just take life tips. Stop being grumpy. Do everything for my family. Underneath, spend time with Sam. Think ahead. Don't lie ever. Don't upset Harry. No idea who Harry is. Don't spend money on taxis. Culture myself. Actually, it's the exact advice I give myself now. 15 years later, same bullets. Don't get much better than that. I didn't write a conventional useful journal. So I didn't have like a diary that was like, oh, hey, today I'm going to walk my dog and go to prep for a sandwich.

33:19Ryan: Who had access to that?

33:21Louise: No one. Oh, my God, if anyone read that, I'd be mortified. Fair enough. As a young boy, what would you do if you felt a lot of noise in your head?

33:29Ryan: Well, as a young boy, I wouldn't have been aware of having a noisy head. Do you think boys should journal?

33:35Louise: I think that everyone could benefit from it, for sure. I wonder, were there any guys at your schools that would write letters or journal?

33:44Ryan: I wasn't aware of anyone at my school, guy friends, doing that.

33:48Louise: No. Do you think people would get ridiculed for doing that?

33:51Ryan: Yeah, I kind of do. Not in a... Maybe not in a, like, terrible way, but there'd be a little bit of jabbing going on there, I reckon, yeah.

34:02Louise: So what would people do if they went through a tough time? I mean, school was hard for you because your dad was away a lot. Like, did anyone ever really hurt your feelings?

34:10Ryan: At school?

34:11Louise: Yeah.

34:12Ryan: Oh, dude, yeah. Mainly teachers. And your question is, how did I deal with that at the time? Well, I didn't journal, but maybe that would have been a good option. I basically didn't know how to process or deal with that. So it would just begin as a single layer, and it would build and build and build. And it ultimately just eats away at your whole self. So your confidence is the first thing to be chipped away at. Your self-esteem, your presence, you start to shrink in rooms, you start to lose that spirit and that was sadly a bit of what i went through at school i would imagine journaling and writing and speaking to people but but this is this is all this is a maturity thing for boys so i think we're slower than girls in that sense and then even you know as you mature things have got to happen organically in their own magical way for you to then open your ears and eyes and heart to it all.

35:06Ryan: So now I write every week. In fact, I write every day. But then as well as writing these days, I still want to maintain a little bit of that grit and resilience in the physical space as well. That's why when I got the invitation from the Marathon to Saab to race there, I viewed that as a really good opportunity for me to put myself in an environment where I can remind myself who I am, see what I've got underneath the hood type thing to see if I've got the resilience to really do something like that. Ironman is the same thing. I've been invited to do a new challenge at a time in my life where I'm really aware and mindful that I want to set standards for Leo watching.

35:51Ryan: I want to show what it looks like to be a man in this modern world. If I can be seen by Leo at 5 30 in the gym sweating away on my bike you'll see that as dedication if he sees me writing a card to you or a letter to him or a thank you card to grandma you'll see that as emotional sensitivity kind of softness if you like yeah so do you do those things for leo

36:23Louise: would you

36:26Ryan: he's a big reason

36:27Louise: if Leo wasn't in the picture would you go as far as to say that those things you've only focused on since having a child

36:37Ryan: no but it sharpens your focus since having a child

36:40Louise: there are people out there that have the view that men going away and doing these challenges is a bit of a cop out so I think a friend of mine actually Montana did a video about this. And it was really divisive. When she first posted that video, I actually just kind of like caught murmurs of it. But my initial thought was, oh, she's probably talking about one of my exes. And then I was like, oh, hang on. That actually feels much closer to home because Ryan, my partner, the person that I love, also does these challenges and has been away a few times to go and focus on himself and to go and achieve something or overcome something.

37:27Louise: And it's funny when you think about it from the point of view of somebody else, it's easy to nod and go, yeah, yeah, it's terrible that these guys are out there leaving their wives to go and cycle the world, having a midlife crisis. But then when it's someone that's close to home, you do view it in a different light because I would never feel that way about you going to do one of those challenges I would support you wholeheartedly and I don't think that that is any different to you know me being married to a banker or someone that is a slave to their job 24 7 7 days a week I don't see that as being any better or any different i mean obviously it's different i think that time away from the people you love is hugely valuable but i would but i think that this is really an opportunity actually for you rye someone that does go away to do those things to explain why you do it and why you think it's important

38:27Ryan: it's not for me for me it's not about the accolades or the accomplishments or the medals or the finishing t-shirts or anything like that this is much more you know you've got an opportunity to rights and wrongs in your head, in your heart. You've got a chance to connect with the identity that you might have lost touch with a little bit since becoming a dad, since going through some trauma with your partner, whatever. Everyone's got their own version of that. I think dads will relate to this. We want to be as fit and as active and strong and we want to be superhero status in our kids' minds. I can remember growing up thinking that my dad was an actual superhero at one point.

39:06Louise: Really?

39:06Ryan: He came back from work in his army camouflage kit on a matte green Harley Davidson scrambler motorbike. And I literally looked at him and I was like, that's action, man. That's not my dad, that's action.

39:20Louise: Wait, you actually thought that?

39:21Ryan: Yeah, but this is back in the day when I'm like yay high and he's got like full jet black hair and a dark mustache. And I was like, oh my God, my dad is rad. It's obviously one of those visions that has stuck with me through my childhood, I think. it must have done because I looked up to my dad in so many ways so I think for me these challenges give me an opportunity to to be in that space where Leo can look up and be like that's my dad and I want I just really want to take those opportunities that's so interesting to me

39:54Louise: because I from the outside could never wrap my head around why anyone would want to throw themselves into a manic challenge like it's the last thing in the world I would ever want to do running for hours and island end must be so boring so I've I've kind of looked on and thought okay well do people do it for ego do they do it for the medal do they do it because somehow it's gonna force them to be on their own and maybe they'll clear their head and it will help them heal um do they just want to like escape but I never it's it's actually quite crazy to me that you it sounds like you are literally doing this just for Leo.

40:38Louise: Like so you can... No, it's not just for Leo. So that you can be like an icon to him.

40:43Ryan: That's a really big part of it, yeah. I want to set an example and a standard and I want to, sounds a bit cheesy to say, but maybe inspire him or give him something that will live long in his memory of, oh, my dad was this growing up.

40:57Louise: But you know that kids are so inspired by like little things that we do all the time.

41:01Ryan: I know, which is why it's not just about Leo. It's also about me and finding out what I'm capable of and taking some sense of security, knowing that if shit hits the fan, I'll be the last one standing. Kind of that.

41:15Louise: So you're doing it for health? Yeah. Like for stamina, for strength?

41:20Ryan: This is definitely not an ego or a flex. It's important that Montana and other people understand that because I don't think I'm alone in that. Most people who do these races, challenges, marathons, whatever else, they're running from something or they're running to get to a better place. Obviously, there's a big group of people who will do it for other external reasons. I'm also, you know, my childhood, I was lucky a bit like with your dad now. He's got so many stories to offer and he does it with such conviction because it's lived stories. He's not just bringing, you know, oh, once there was this guy who ran across America.

41:58Ryan: He's telling stories from his own life. And I want to, again, I want to be in my senior years with hopefully multiple kids. And I want to have that in my arsenal.

42:09Louise: So you want an interesting life? You want a rich life full of exploration? I want to enrich my... Correct. Yeah, fair enough. I think that's a good enough reason.

42:18Ryan: Yeah, but it's one of a few reasons. I think it's important that men do have this conversation with their partners, because if they get to a position where you're at now, where you understand it and you see it, and you give me the permission, if you like, to go and do these things, what happens is the version that goes is different to the version that comes back. So I know that if I go and do a challenge or if I go and do a long bike ride, it improves your mood infinitely. And I think that's a really key point as well. If you can keep looking after yourself during life, in whichever way you, it might be journaling in a book like that, or it might be exercising, it might be other things.

42:55Ryan: It's really important.

42:57Louise: Yeah, I agree. Like everyone's got their vice, right? For you, your vice is exercise. Go push yourself. Like if that makes you feel mentally and physically strong, then you must do that because you have to fill up your own cup. Especially when you become parents and you have the responsibility of someone else and your time is so wrapped up in them that you still have outlets for yourself. and that applies to both parties so I'd hate for people to feel sorry for me whilst I'm sat home if you're off gallivanting across the world doing one of these challenges thinking that I that I didn't also have my turn and I know that you would encourage me to do exactly the same oh yeah and I think with with the kind of video that was probably referencing one of my exes was there a comment on their other half that was maybe going away for a month to go and work on a project it's funny like dads get praised for doing the housework at home as if that's not their role but then they get criticized for going away to go and do a work trip or something that sets their heart on fire like you know a fitness challenge and for women it's the other way around I would get praised if I went and left the family at home to go and do something to focus on myself if I was to do one of these fitness challenges I think it's super important as parents to go and continue to live your dreams and to find things that you love doing so I'd encourage anyone that's listening to go and do that tick off the things off your bucket list, life is so short and actually this time round I was quite gutted that I didn't come to Morocco to support you after the Marathon de Sabla.

44:46Louise: So we're all going to go to Hawaii. I feel like that's going to be honestly like a life-changing trip.

44:53Ryan: That will be a very different experience for me. So I'm excited for that.

44:56Louise: Yeah, because the funny thing is about Ryan is that he'll go away like thinking he needs solitude and then like two days in he'll be like, I don't really know what I'm doing here. I miss you guys.

45:07Ryan: That is true.

45:08Louise: But yeah, next week we have a super exciting episode because my dad is going to be joining the podcast. I never thought we'd be able to make it happen because he's very particular about how he spends his time. But we've pulled in a favor.

45:24Ryan: To be fair, I'm shocked that he said yes as well.

45:27Louise: Are you? He was so reluctant. He was like, oh, I don't know. I might be going away. I think he'll actually be nervous.

45:34Ryan: He will be nervous, yeah.

45:35Louise: He thrives in a certain environment. And you know what I think is going to help make it the most epic episode ever? is if you guys send in questions. Even Sam is shocked that he's coming on.

45:45Ryan: Really?

45:45Louise: Yeah.

45:46Ryan: Q &A's a great idea. Let's put him on the rack. Yeah. He'll have all the answers and all the stories.

45:50Louise: He's probably got some great advice. If anyone needs a little pearl of wisdom. He will. 100%. Make sure that you don't miss the episode by following us on every platform and also subscribing on YouTube. The visuals on this one are going to be iconic.

46:08Ryan: True that. I'm going to get many a GIF. from this.

46:11Louise: Yeah, he's like more memeable than the GC. He's like Pete but 75.

46:18Ryan: Slightly rounder.

46:20Louise: Much larger. He actually eats although he doesn't anymore than Manjaro. We'll ask about the GLP ones when we speak to him next week.