Our tool to stop an argument getting out of control

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1:04Louise: good morning good afternoon good evening wherever you're listening we're back i sound like a news presenter um we're back with another a ua ryan insists so you guys can ask us anything we're really really glad that you guys are enjoying this as much as we are shall i ask your question mine fire them at me okay so can ryan provide us with a spotify playlist of all of it no hang on hang on hang on i didn't even read out the question yet you've teed this can ryan provide us with a spotify playlist of all his favorite tunes this is your question what are his go-to gym songs at the moment you've slid this one on yourself i haven't i have access to your spotify because we're cheap and i don't want to pay for two accounts that's not why it's because you keep stealing my music but i do always steal ryan's music so ryan introduced me to new songs all the time when we're in the car and i just shazam him on that old app everyone knows about shazam right it used to be you know before shazam you would just get your phone and you'd go on call and you would go to your keypad and you would just go 2580 and call down the middle and that used to shazam a song any song that was playing i never knew that and i think it would send you a text with the song what yeah isn't that cool so yes ryan has amazing music and i do pinch it and i will share it on my stories and then everyone thinks that i'm cooler than i am you do get a lot of messages don't you about your music yeah yeah like i don't really categorize into playlists which is silly because i should i just have one like giant library of liked songs i'm gonna have a little look now oh you're gonna play one now no but is this yours yeah i'm on your library go to like you've got a thousand 1 200 like songs can you press the like songs yeah what Turn the screen.

2:47Show me the second one down. Yeah, this I know is my current banger.

2:52Louise: And that's by Kalia or Kalia. Kalia, I think. I've got a little Louise one, but I just listened to what's my favorite one. Let me find it. Oh no, I know which one it's going to be. So you've got liked songs. Gangster track. And then if I go, I've got one called The New Dog. Have you? I haven't even seen that. Can I just read out how aggressive these names are? Please don't judge me. Bullet to the Brain. gangster track titty me progunto goosebumps bus flow effect yeah so like Travis Scott oh there's a lot of 50 cent in there a lot of M &M M &M's not for me he's not really on my playlist anyway you do have a lot of playlists on there including some good strength training ones oh there's some Tabata on there too so in case you wanted to just follow a Tabata workout sometimes I'll be we'll be listening to Ryan's playlist together whether it's in the kitchen or in the car and all the songs will be great.

3:46Louise: And then like a really, you know, I'm going to say like cringey, motivational one will play really loudly. What are those? Yeah, I'm just trying to remember what they're called. Fearless motivation playlist or something like that. Yeah, and it's like some really big jack man being like, you can do this. You're the best human in the world. Like keep going. This is pre-David Goggins as well. This is pre-Goggins. And it's got music behind it. When do you listen to that kind of tune? I used to listen to that, only that, when I used to train. Back in physical culture days, in like the proper spit and sawdust gym in Putney, I'd listen to that, some dude just screaming at me.

4:23Louise: We've all got our own, we've all got our flavour. Flavours. I do have a very eclectic taste in music though. I mean, if I do make that public, people will be pretty jarred to see everything from Andre Pacelli to Tupac, and then a little bit of Scooter in there or something. Yeah, a little bit of like Phil Collins. isn't one of the songs written about didn't he see watch someone die this is the fairy tale i don't know if it's true or not yeah this is what my dad told me growing up because my dad always had the same cds in his car always phil collins always lady smith black mambo and lighthouse family quite different tastes in music and then he is very my dad is quite into lyrics of songs and he really tuned into phil collins and the song in the air tonight which is like super famous well known because of the drums.

5:11He told me, and I still don't know actually, we need to fact check this, but he told me that Phil Collins as a kid witnessed the murder. Someone pushed someone into like a lake or something, got away with it. Fast forward however many years when Phil is decorated as an artist and whatever. He tracks this guy down because he's essentially got away with murder and he sits this guy right in front of where Phil Collins is performing and he shines the spotlight on him and some of the lyrics during like the opening few verses of the songs talks about I remember the time you didn't see my face, but I saw yours.

5:42And there's lyrics that are deliberately kind of organized, which talks about Phil Collins knowing exactly what this hombre's done in the crowd. And this is when my dad used to tell me as a kid, I used to get goosebumps to be like, Oh my God, this is incredible. I don't know if it's a myth or true, but that is, that's the story.

5:59Louise: Nice. Yeah. God, that's clever, isn't it? Just spotlighting that person. Yeah. Is there something wrong with me? Because I can never remember any lyrics. like even if my life was on the line i couldn't tell you a single lyric if i put 50 cent or eminem on you'd rap like that okay yeah palms are sweaty knees weak on the heavy bottom on the yeah i can rap that whole song okay next question how do you stop from going down a rabbit hole of an argument how do we stop yeah i feel like we've actually argued quite a bit this last week so good timing what do we do to stop? I feel like commonly I'll say we're on the same team can we stop arguing?

6:42Louise: like we don't have time for this argument or we don't have the energy for this argument like what are we even talking about? when we're both tired and frustrated and really all we want to be doing is sat in our pants in a cold dark room on our own watching our own shows as we just as we why is that but that you came up with that line on the weekend and i was like yes word like that's exactly what in time that sounded quite attractive but that's not all i want to do with my life is sit in a room in my pants occasionally you're entitled to do that that's not i think most people listening would relate to that okay like to be fair i use it as like a throwaway like tagline like me and sam used to say like oh as soon as like the business part of the year is done shut the door get the pants on put the playstation on that's like that's what he looks forward to from like january through to december although these days he like he shuts up shop in november i think actually he doesn't but isn't that tragic that you basically work for like 11 months of the year just so that you can then go and sit in a room in your pants and play playstation no yeah it's kind of epic okay so how do we shut down an argument before going really deep into a hole I don't know if I've got a I definitely don't have advice around this we used to have this great idea this great tool that we would use where we would go we'd tell each other that we needed to go and run to the nearest tree do a loop around it touch it, hug it and then come back as a different person I told you that one time and you played ball with it and it really worked so we've locked it in yeah that's what I said that's the story I just told Ryan we haven't used that for a while I feel like if I used that now you'd be like No, I used, I feel like I did use it fairly recently.

8:29Louise: We need to use that more. It's actually a good one. Well, to be fair, that was a good one, yeah. Because at least if you can do something funny, then you start to realise that actually the argument is pretty... But if we're like about to go at each other, or if you say, is it going to work still? Yeah, because do you then remember the time you've done it before and you're instantly transported to a different occasion? So you're like lifted out of that horrendous mood and placed into another realm. Like a little like woodland elf. Maybe we should add a few more bits to the, instead of just running to a tree and like touching it.

9:12Louise: I think it was initially, it was just touching the tree and then coming back and being a nicer person. We should, maybe you've got to like skip to the tree. Or like flap your wings like this. So that then you... It's just taking a time out, isn't it? Yeah. It's like, let me just step away from this very intense situation for a split second. Yeah. And I'll come back.

9:43Mod.com is changing the way people battle excessive fatigue. Ever hit a wall in the middle of the day and a third coffee just doesn't do it anymore? Here's what's actually happening. Coffee only briefly blocks adenosine, the chemical that tires you out. When it stops working, your system is flooded and you crash. Modafinil is a prescription treatment that works in a completely different way. Modafinil works by stimulating multiple receptors in the brain associated with wakefulness, including dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, histamine, glutamate, and orexin. It's a more complete solution that gives you 10 to 12 hours of steady focus and energy.

10:25To learn more, go to mod.com. Fill out your intake form, meet with a licensed provider, and if approved, Mod Alert ships straight to your door. Go to mod.com to get started. That's mod.com.

10:42Louise: 75 % of women who seek menopause care don't receive it. The lying awake at 3 a.m. wondering what's happening to your body ends now. Midi is virtual care built for women in perimenopause and menopause with clinicians who specialize in women's health. Plus, it's covered by most major insurances. Getting started is easy. You can book your first visit with a clinician right away. Midlife needs Midi. Visit joinmidi.com to book your first visit today. that's join m-i-d-i dot com insurance coverage varies check with your plan for coverage i think there's a question directed at you here louise so how did you recuperate your self-esteem after being ill how did you learn to feel confident and peaceful again gosh big question well if i look back i've probably had a surgery around about every eight months over the last three years and it's a slow process I think the first couple of months following any sort of emergency surgery and after leaving a long stint in the hospital you're pretty shaken up so I try just to be kind to myself take it really easy like shut out all of the noise I'm very lucky that I have a support system around me like I've run family members who will step into some of the more exhausting duties like help more with the parenting and kind of also like liaising with people maybe that I work with which then allows me a bit more time to focus on just like building myself back up physically I tend to have also lost quite a lot of weight after all of those surgeries it's amazing the muscle wastage that you get just from lying down in a bed for a week and being completely immobile like it literally falls off you so I've I've then had to kind of gradually put weight back on and kind of like it's it's been really hard to be honest and I don't know why I would focus so much on like the body and the way that my body looks but my body my whole life has been like really consistent for 30 odd years and then over the last three years it's really kind of yo-yoed up and down you know actually if you guys even wanted to look back at some of the YouTube videos from kind of October November December time I'm I'm a lot skinnier back then than I am now and that's to do with medication and I think it can be quite hard because I'm now on a medication where the side effects are hair loss, spots and weight gain.

13:02Louise: And whilst those are not things that I've struggled with hugely in the past, I do now, occasionally. But I think it's kind of just accepting that no matter what stage I'm at, there will always be people that think that I'm beautiful and And that sounds really weird, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So everybody has different tastes. I'm going to ask you a question. And really it's down to, you know, feeling beautiful, I guess, within. But I know, I just, I don't, I don't know. I was speaking to some of my girlfriends about this at dinner on Monday night. A few of them have kids. Your body never really, your body, your fate, you know, your whole like physiology, it never really returns to how things were before you have, before you give birth.

13:51Louise: and um you also just care a lot less i don't know i'm really actually like staring at off course because that's not necessarily talking about the chronic illness stuff i just don't i don't care about the things i used to care about so much anymore i can remember two incidences in hospital one was to do with well the first one was not long after you gave birth so i'll describe that one and then i then i'll move to the second one but i can remember obviously your whole body was really ballooned and inflamed and you were so physically weak that you couldn't really stand up without support bandages and tubes and things everywhere and i remember showering you you were facing the wall and bare from my perspective barely recognizable i was like this this doesn't even look like louise in any way like just like a like forgive me if you say it but like like a white water balloon like you were just like squidgy and puffy everywhere and i was like oh my god this this must be, at that time I was like, this must be like less than dignifying and just chaotic in her mind.

14:52That was the first one. And then the next one was, I remember being in the elevator, we'd gone down to get water and tea back up to the fourth floor in the elevator. You were doing shoulder press for two water bottles.

15:02Louise: Oh my God, yeah. In your little apron thing, in the blue hospital gown. And I saw that on my photo, on my phone, like maybe two weeks ago. And then I thought, bloody hell, like you've been through all of those moments where it's like really beyond recognition in terms of like almost emaciated in one version the other version was like you were a squidgy water balloon it's like in a in a relatively short amount of time your body's gone through like huge different physical changes and you had hair loss at one point and now you've got much thicker hair by the looks of it and everything seems to be in better order so how i suppose my question is like how do you pull yourself out of those moments and get back to where you are now I think it's a hard one to answer actually because sometimes when I've looked maybe the most beautiful I've actually been like the least healthy thank you for saying all of that because actually that's really I find it quite like sort of warming that you that you've been paying so much attention and been thinking about how I might feel inside because yeah there have been really tricky moments where I've had total strangers like shower me in the hospital where I've been completely unrecognizable almost a good thing when you then think that no one at least no one will recognize you but yeah I mean I remember my my ass was like like completely flat I've been like flattened like I've been run over from lying down on the bed and my legs went really skinny and then I was like really really wide yeah and you just don't realize like what the body is capable of but I think the sort of the main thing now since leaving that I realized is just like the importance of having a bit of meat on the bone.

16:42Louise: And so eating really well, trying to exercise when I can. What if there's someone in hospital now and they're noticing like tremendous physical changes, having been through it and come back and bounce back several times, what advice do you give to someone who's mentally thinking, I feel terrible, I've lost all my confidence and identity? How do you get past that? Because actually I would love to know as well because even the thought of me going into hospital for any form of operation, I mean, I would lose weight like that. And I'd probably look like a grey old bit of salami in about two weeks.

17:19And that would, the wheels would come off in my mind. I think, bloody hell, how the hell do I get moving from here? So what advice would you give me?

17:27Louise: I don't know. It's making me feel quite upset. Like I just, you just have to be really patient, I'm afraid. like but is that do you like do you visualize the version you want to get back to no because there's no point in me trying to think of like the ideal person because i'll never be there like i'll never be fully healthy in the way that i was before so you just have to accept that so patience and acceptance but then there's got to be more to it because you have clawed your way back to this what i see here now or is that are you saying that that is just a result of patience Well I think like I, it's quite easy as a woman to like mask yourself in beautiful clothes with a spray tan and a nice set of nails and to tie your hair up and put makeup on.

18:12Louise: You can make yourself look very well even if you're not. I think like my beauty standards have completely changed anyway like I don't expect I don't need I don't feel like I need to look the same way before like my body will never look the same way I have you know I find comfort in routine so I like to do my makeup in the morning because it makes me feel good and it makes me feel confident and I like to wear things that flatter me but you know what I would say is if you are if you have been really ill the reality is is that the beautiful thing is just not a priority like you know it's it's not a priority for me to snap back really quickly when I come out of the hospital I might mask with clothes and stuff so that I look well to my family so I don't scare them my priorities are just resting and getting better and trying to actually put on the any weight that I've lost to eat well to move and to sleep and that sort of takes a couple of months and then slowly I find more trust in in my body again I feel like I'd really love to offer up a good answer here I just don't have the answer I haven't learned that yet even though I've you know been in that battle zone a few times yeah the problem is with a chronic condition you know they come they go it gets easier each time you do learn from them but i i've been in such a sort of state of survival that i've not really prioritized like confidence and beauty in those early early days afterwards i think i think it just it takes time yeah after probably about like month four i start to feel a bit more like myself i think that's fair enough i guess i was interested from like the mental side of things i almost like in the same way that i like to look at the sort of coaching of like elite teams and individuals there's such a in like i think there's a fascinating piece behind like what they do on their mental fitness and all that sort of stuff and i would i just thought that you would have had to go through so many rounds of mental fitness to get yourself going again and it was like even from my perspective again i'm just i don't know if i could do that like you did it so it's it's kind of like a kudos but also like how the fuck did you do that well how did i do what did you see me do i just i just lived well i've seen you i've seen you come back from terrible conditions several times slow though it feels slow but when you sort of hover above it and look at the grand scheme of things in the wider timeline it's not really that slow leo's only three and a half you've had five or six operations and bounced back each time in his lifetime?

20:56It's bloody incredible. I suppose not many people could do that. And I think that's where that question was born from. It's like, Jesus Christ, this girl can take some hits and keep coming back. So how do you do it? I'm not really looking at the beautiful side of things. Like we've been here before with the whole beauty. I'm more interested in how the hell do you get your mind to... Routine. Yeah, yeah.

21:21Louise: That is actually the answer. is just clinging on to anything that is going well. Anything that's in your life at all, and it can be anything. Yeah, yeah. I suppose it changes as well. I suppose it changes, I'd imagine. Does it like one day you've got motivation from one thing, next day it could be completely different? Well, no, it's just finding comfort and routine in things. So trying to find something that I can eat in the morning that makes me feel good, which is now porridge. So that's what I eat every single morning because it doesn't make me feel bad. So incorporating that. Sleeping as much as I can.

21:59Louise: Writing as much as I can. And then also working on things that make me feel good. It's actually very, very simple. Seeing lots of family. For me, that's made a huge difference. Like that whole Christmas I took off and we spent lots of time with your family and we spent a lot of time. I actually stepped away from technology for a few weeks and that made me feel amazing it's probably the best I've actually felt in in eight months which is really saying something that's a bit scary to be honest because I'm not sure when I'm next I'm able to do that I said to myself actually that I was going to take a holiday every quarter and I didn't mean some big like glamorous holiday to the Maldives because I'm still totally scared about going overseas but I said that I would take a week off just so that I could like recalibrate and have a chance to rest and I haven't done that and I am about to do that so we're about to go on holiday next week and it's so overdue so i'm very very excited for that but yeah just taking just taking things really slowly it's so annoying if you're a fast-paced person you know even my dad always says he's like just slow down slow down i'm like but you're not slow pot calling kettle black popcorn kettle black is it is that does that make sense pop pot calling kettle black isn't that the phrase i thought you should popcorn kettle black i was like that's a new one no it's like does that mean sort of a hypocrite well but i don't even know if that really is relevant to that you probably are right i just hadn't heard it popcorn kettle black maybe no it's not even the right context it is now what i actually mean is it's easy to give someone advice oh yeah yeah well well that's true yeah but that was the best time right you and i we went to the park every day we went to richmond in the pouring rain and we just went on these really long walks yeah i remember yeah i do remember wasn't that good was that christmas was it yeah do you remember that quote that scott always used to say to us i think it was from hippocrates and he'd say if you're in a bad mood go for a walk if you're still in a bad mood go for another book so you've just got to walk your way through your problems amen to that all right i'm out walk him out it's true though movement motion is lotion quite a serious aua this week yeah it was quite a big one but i think it was i think it's really interesting to explore that from your side so yeah sorry to jerk some tears no it's good it's brought something out of me that i haven't really processed yet oh fine but also it's just when we realize i can't i can't lie like i wish i could sit here and say these are the five bullet points that are going to cure you and make you feel beautiful but i'm not that kind of person but that's not what we should be doing we're not experts we're not a robot chat gbt thing speak from the experiences we've had or you've had in this case yeah so yeah and let's hope that you don't end up like a white a white water balloon uh a soggy bit of trouble there all right well yeah keep the questions coming for the auas i think it's a nice format yeah i love it comes out on a monday good questions full episode on a wednesday nice and it's a nice way to crack the lid open a little bit wider on who we are so keep them coming sayonara

25:21Thank you.