Sex-drives, prenups and the four C’s for a fulfilling relationship

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0:33Louise: it's a hot one today it's a hot one rosie how are you feeling i'm mindful that there's like a little bit of drilling going on next door sam is redoing his bathroom for the 10th time oh that's a shit his ensuite bathroom in his bedroom his ensuite why does ensuite sound so tacky i don't know i was in the garden yesterday doing a bit of a barbecue first time i've ever done that typically a blue job um drained my gas bottle thank you drained your gas bottle accidentally left all the gas on didn't clean up i had an earful afterwards but was very impressed actually there's a lot of smoke in the face smoke there should have been smoke what were you oh i think i was putting some lemony oily buttery delicious basting juices onto the meat and i think that it was everything was basically on fire well yeah anyway then i heard a little like little birdie next door pop my head over and it was jess their lovely the lovely interior designer Oh.

1:23Louise: And she said that sounds of me doing the whole kitchen, the garden, and the bathroom. Anyway, so if you hear a slight echo in the background, he's replacing the tiles in the bathroom. Sorry, so he's redoing the back garden, the kitchen, and the bathroom? Yeah. Christ, that boy. I know, he's more indecisive than we are. Anyway, how are you? I'm good, yeah. Myself, I'm being hella hot. Oh, I wasn't planning on talking about this today, but I was speaking to Holly, who I work with, about this yesterday. people she hates the summer like hates it dreads it feels really unattractive is a hot sweaty mess hates all the clothes and is already really really excited for october and i was sat there thinking gosh that's quite depressing but then i thought actually genius i'm really glad i've got you on my team because i get scared when we start to teeter into those autumnal months because really bad things have happened to me around that time period whereas i feel like very safe and happy and uplifted over the summer.

2:20Louise: So we can level each other out. She gets, you know, sad, seasonally affected depression. Isn't that linked to lack of sun and vitamin D? Yeah, it is. But she's actually got it the other way around. No, she's twisted. That can't be right. But I think, isn't that so cool that everyone's so different? And that's why you need to find people to fill in those voids. Is she talking from a fashion perspective? Because I get that the winter wardrobe is maybe better. What she was actually saying, so there's there's the fashion side but there's also the actual physical sort of stress of being in the heat oh she just doesn't do well good in the heat but also and i think a big part of it that we uncovered yesterday was this idea that she and i kind of relate to this there's a lot of fomo that goes on in the summer months you feel like you have to do things after work it's so light like last night i sat in the garden chatting to a friend until 11 p.m and in the winter you can basically wrap it all up at 5 p.m and you don't feel like you need to make excuses to anyone i am and if you're someone that's spectrum on this if you're a bit of an introvert and you really enjoy your own time and you just want to be at home a lot i suppose i absolutely live for the summer i come alive in the sunshine that's true you've been threatening to move to hot country for rather a while when i did that run in the desert i went with a guy who's from argentina you would probably assume that he could handle the heat better he was the one that was overheating every day really yeah which i don't know like biologically i'm thinking well i'm just you know i'm just a i'm from the uk i'm probably not my my concoction of of cells and DNAs probably would suggest that, you know, I would be the one that would tap out in 38, 40 degree heat in the desert, but it was him.

4:13Louise: There must be a reason behind that. Yeah, I don't know. Do you know what I learned when we were at a tennis match last week? It's been very hot in the UK and I do sympathize with these tennis players. I have no idea how they keep playing for hours in such extreme conditions. But there are courts here that have underfloor heating so that you can prepare for playing over in Australia. So you're literally playing tennis and you've got like heat sizzling up from the ground, warming you up. Do you know what else I learned? Isn't that torture? If you get cramp, they give you a slice of lemon. What do you do with a lemon?

4:42Eat it.

4:43Louise: Eat it? Yeah. As in like squeeze the lemon. Citrus fruits. Vitamin C. Yeah. And I didn't realize that professional tennis players did the same thing. But again, in the desert, if you went to the medical tent with cramps, they'd give you lemon slices. Anyway, we were really going to carry on a conversation from last week, this week, which is we were talking about affairs, weren't we? and unconditional love. Well, affairs you've got a fascination with, so do you want to start there? Or the unconditional love is interesting as well. I think my interest in affairs probably just stems from my interest in relationships.

5:22Louise: Have there been moments throughout our relationship of nearly 10 years where we've kind of like fallen in and out of love? I think when you start a family and you see like your wife or fiance or girlfriend take the role of mother to your child, I think you enter a new realm of love. Yeah. So that's definitely one example of how you could say that that is like, oh, I've fallen back in love. Like these different kind of like bigger, big milestones in life. And you kind of then like have to adapt, don't you? To a new way of living. And that could happen if somebody maybe falls unwell or if someone wants to move to a different country or someone takes a new job or, you know, big change happens.

6:01Louise: and often then in those moments either you work through it and you go okay yeah we're gonna we're gonna try and fall back in love with each other or people go and have an affair and affairs are like very romanticized aren't they in literature and films and tv and that's probably also why i'm kind of fascinated by them because they look like these really juicy appealing yeah i don't say the appealing but you know yeah there's always when whatever you see on tv is very um like electric isn't it there's like you often see this chemistry it's like two people like shagging in a bathroom in an office yeah yeah you're playing a game of like elite level deceit and lying there like having an affair keeping a secondary relationship up for a long time you've got to be cut from a different class i think one of my friends her parents i think one of them had an affair i hope she remembers saying this but the couple then did a switch as in they've both then married the other person jeez and then they've been together since they just did a swap i don't that's quite a rare story and then i do know another friend of mine whose dad was having an affair and it was quite seedy um and taking and it was different lots of different people like in hotel rooms in and around central london oh i think that's quite hard to stomach isn't it people they happen i think that that's what i'm trying to say it's like they happen and they happen quite a lot and your parents are still together so that i think they deserve like a massive round of applause and my grandparents are still together so that's even more impressive yeah and they've been together for what 60 odd years like i say i struggle to really like invest myself into this conversation because in the same way that i really struggle to watch like love island which i know the nation loves and i'm the odd one out here but in my mind it's just promoting all the wrong kinds of um attitudes and values and ultimately switching partners a lot yeah i'm like ultimately i'm just i'm just like if you want to do that cool i'm going this way and that's really all i can say on it which i know is pretty boring for a podcast but i mean it goes back to like the way that your parents would have been like treat other people how you want to be treated pretty sure within that there's no mention of like unfaithfulness and cheating on people and having affairs and do you know i mean and lies it's just for me it's like what yeah and actually as we're registering intent to marry later today like we should probably really clear up some of the big the big questions should we if you're heading towards an affair i just think turn the taps off at home first have the conversation this is where i'm at i've met someone else i haven't done anything but i just i can't see a life with you i don't know maybe that's a really bad version of the conversation but my point is like before you go and be deceitful and unfaithful own your shit at home so will you sign this prenup then?

8:59as you reach for a make up bag I don't care about a prenup pen? I just don't care about it, yeah there you go, this is me signing it

9:09Louise: but as in I would want to sign a prenup as well although we both have I think we've both come from the same standpoint that's one of the things actually I think about getting married a little bit later in life this is not later in life we're about 35 but we have held on for a very long time since being engaged is that you then can be a bit more savvy about things like paperwork and one of my friends actually who's been staying here she got engaged literally two days ago which is really exciting love you lottie but her and her partner have agreed that they want to sign a prenup and it's one of those we were sat outside and i kind of thought oh you know what you know what what you think it's weird prenup thing yeah do you yeah because i just think you what you from my perspective you wouldn't enter into a marriage if you if you were if you were in the marriage and you loved and trusted the person this is your partner for life why would you then have another document that be like it's almost like a can we just reconfirm what we've got here but on the same side if you knew if you knew that you were going to be together forever like that's why the prenup is that is there because then if if you're never going to end then it doesn't matter does it but if the other person then changes their mind i don't know what an analogy to this might be well our financial advisor did say the person you marry is not the person you divorce so if you took that attitude then and he was going through a divorce to be fair he was he was quite adamant about pre-nuff actually and why was that because he was going through a divorce so there's a lot of context to everyone's opinion i think that then you create this so that's why you do the prenup because you create a really nice agreement when you're in a place of harmony and you love and care and respect about one another and you go if god forbid anything awful was to happen it's going to be less messy down the road in 10 20 30 40 years time when you're trying to hash that all out instead you can go you know what and it might even bring you back together you might go god do you remember that time when we sat down and we wrote that we both signed that document and we were in such a lovely happy place and these were the like simple assets that we wanted to divide up at the time and it would always be something that you would create out of love so it would be oh it makes me feel emotional but you would you would want it to be really fair if you wrote it at the beginning wouldn't you yeah well for us it will be we will we will come up with something that feels really like fair and loving oh i'm very excited brosie about about our little we've already registered to it intent though once before haven't we and we've we got expired expired which is cute i've only told one person have you about what about the fact that we're registering intent i actually dropped it in with my mom as well oh cool yeah really casual i haven't told anyone to be fair i suppose only because i just think that i suppose this is not really the like happy celebration phase this is just like a opening the door for us to walk through it yeah it's also like this is the practical phase this is not a romantic conversation we're going to do the fun pre-nubs and register of intent this is not how i envisioned it it's 18 years old we don't need to be like everybody else i completely agree with that what advice would you give for a good relationship or fulfilling relationship this makes me go back to the conversation that we've actually mentioned on here before but when we were sat in the park it was probably quite a long time ago now probably even more than a year that was a big argument well it was a good conversation because we revealed some things like i don't know wants needs and ambitions as like a unit moving forwards and that sort of stuff but yeah it was a hard one it was the first proper chat we have ever had like that yeah well we've both sat there locked in eye to eye cross-legged on a patch of grass actually it must be more than a year must be more than a year it was when maddie was working here because i remember being really awkward because we basically had a fight and having someone else that works in the house and is kind of privy to not just around for the aftermath for attention is a bit high well nothing is a bit uncomfortable because we we reached the place of harmony on it but yeah.

13:24Louise: No, I know, but I'm talking like just straight after the argument when then someone goes, hi, morning, and comes through the door and you're like, hello. If anything new. There have been a few times like that. Yeah, so that's where I go. And then you actually sent me a message because I was going to just dry my eyes, mate, and carry on working with her that day. I think it was a Monday, like beginning of the week as well, ready to like get into the grind. And you sent me a message and you were like, we need to hash this out now. And so then I had to sneak out of the house and I was like sorry I'm just going to the headmaster's office but to answer your question that you did what did you say how what makes a good relationship yeah and you basically highlighted to me in that chat what does make a good relationship and actually I agree with all of your points in that conversation we had in the park I said four c's first one being communication and I think like you said before that conversation we had was the first real let's really like lift the lid on this have a proper conversation sit down and as you said look each other in the eyes and tell each other how we're really feeling where we're at probably the first time we've had a conversation say a conversation like that and i that was probably one of the things that factored into me accepting this whole how to communicate and how important it is and if you do it right and if you do it in a reciprocal kind of way it can really like progress things and your your relationship can flourish because after that we did go into a much better phase we did you know even as you started with that and you you were really like honest about you were really honest in the way you were speaking it felt like you mentioned like it felt as though the lid was lifted you know when I don't know I'm not someone that like talks about like sexual stuff in a relationship a lot because I'm there's still that's the one thing that I find prudish and there are like a few things that I find like a little bit uncomfortable talking to my any partner about but you are my partner oh my god i really wanted to drop in the current partner you're my current fiance you're today's partner damn it but i when you started talking like this i felt like really nervous as if i was it i remember did you remember i felt as though i was like in a foot in a who's this moment because you hadn't really seen it before who's this and also like oh my god are we actually going to really talk about how we feel yeah no i remember you said something like that as well and then the second c um that we spoke about was chemistry that's right this is where i suddenly went oh my god eek i'm freaking out because is this the sexual one yeah or you can call it canoodling if you want to stay in line with the c's let's call it canoodling um i think i i think it's it's a really crucial part another c of a relationship this is not meant to be too much emphasis on the actual sex part but it's the the canoodling the the cuddles the kisses the affection the tactile and obviously the stuff after that is is part of it but it is really important it is really important for like the the the unity the like the energy around you as a couple and if it's not there i think it's glaringly obvious sometimes and from like my perspective at the time obviously you were going through like a really turbulent time with health So it was the very, very, very last thing on your mind.

16:44But I was like trying to gently like restart the wheel on that a little bit. And yeah, you still getting a little bit freaked out by this.

16:53Louise: No, no, no, but I guess. Because you told me a while ago about the whole like, you know, you really need that the male energy and the female energy. and i think like when that is in play and it's rolling there's going to be the occasional sexual collision where it's like let's go no but that's great like that's that's that's like part of the magic of a relationship yeah you're right and i guess like for so long we didn't really have that aspect because i was really unwell and then i found that whole thing very triggering which is totally fair and fine. And at this point in the park, we were trying to sort of, as I say, gently get back into a place where we could have - And do you feel as though like that was the first time that you felt like you could basically, how long had you been sat on wanting to say that?

17:42Well, I guess I'm going to get real prudish here, but I have a high sex drive.

17:46Louise: That's not prudish. That's the opposite. Sorry, sorry. That's okay. Sorry. I'm going to be really, maybe too honest in this environment. And yeah, I have a high sex drive and I was in a relationship that was flatlined in that sense again totally fine because of the situation but what I wanted to do was like communicate and articulate where I was coming at rather than just like being a predator and like throwing myself on you and because ultimately there probably were times where that happened and I kind of like felt shit about it you know what I mean so I was trying to communicate like this is not just about like that part of it it's about feeling we're really a couple and that the energy we give off and give each other is like one that screams love and affection does this make sense it's making so much sense i also think that you packaged up in a really appropriate way because i didn't think that you were just a sexual predator because i was like oh there are like a few different things that he thinks that we need to work on so i wasn't just worried that suddenly you were going to like leave me because we weren't having sex or something like it was a very sensitive conversation and chemistry is obviously a nice word isn't it but yeah i'm in agreement that when you do connect like that but then you do feel like you like the other person more oh and then you're kind of like oh good yeah we actually do still have something there because otherwise you know it's the age-old thing if you prioritize everything else in your life except for that and it becomes a chore then you you're basically just co cohabiting on you you're basically just like work you're sharing a workspace like if we weren't shagging we would be sharing a workspace here yeah but i think actually like we're being quite brave with this conversation to talk about our sex life on a platform but actually there's loads of couples that go through this like it's people always talk about like as soon as you have kids or married like it's game over for the bedroom which is kind of little it's a little bit of a joke but it's actually quite true for a lot of couples and for couples like us we we work and live from this house like there's so many things that are not necessarily normal and traditional in that sense like it is important that we remember that we're not just co-hosts on the same show we're not like cast mates on the same tv show whatever it is like we're a couple and within that couple there is time for communication and canoodling and we'll get to the next two c's as well but you know what i mean it's very hard to be a really good partner a really good parent a really good friend colleague colleague or employee and to kind of nail all of those things at the same time which i think we can get on to more later in the conversation because it'll be interesting to look at like where we've been and what we've prioritized over like the different parts of our lives um there's kind of like two out of the three things that you can ever really be nailing should i get to the other c's wait i just i want to like just think about what the other bits of chemistry are that because my life coach always used to speak about this she was like um you need to be more scandy about this scandy's talk about open oh yeah like it's normal okay so here's what she said women get warmed up like top down and men get warmed up bottom up so like we we take we require a lot more um yeah the trouble is i'm all the time we we require a lot more like sort of nice words and things that get our brain feeling like comfortable and excited and like plans and and that kind of thing and then like and then we relax and we like relax into it and then we might get kinky whereas you're listening guys whereas like men they are just like warmed up from louise just gave you the keys to the kingdom there from the bottom up from the cock up oh yeah i mean listen i'm going to speak for most 34 year old blokes we're warm all the time and we forget that women are not yeah like you can't just go like straight in and expect it to be a fun bed situation i get it i get it i mean the 20 year old ryan did not get it but i get it this is interesting so say we have an argument in the morning i'll hold on to that I get over things really quickly and I forgive really easily.

22:03Louise: And I would never like want to go back over that argument and rehash it. I think like once we're kind of over it, we're over it. But I wouldn't want to have sex with you that day because in my mind, I'm like, oh, I just don't really, really, really, really, really love you right now. Like I'm still holding on to a bit of that like emotional trauma in my head. And that means I don't want to open my legs for you. whereas i know that actually one of the things i don't know whether this is for all guys but sometimes for you the quickest way for you to get over an argument is by having some chemistry mate we are lifting the lid today yeah no like yeah that is true because and why is that though as a man like what does having sex then do to get over that argument like how does that help because you're like is it because then you know that the other person still loves you and you're like okay we're all good now it's hard to answer i just think that the whole chemistry and the canoodling piece it it's like i want to say like levels the playing field but it like brings a sense of balance to the home and the relationship it's like it's almost like you both take a like a non-sexual huh like we've still got that as part of our we're still attracted to each other fix maybe it's like that's the quickest thing to just go like okay let's do that and then every and then things are restored again it's like an x-rayed version of walking to the tree and back it's like let's take a moment to reset anyone that doesn't know what the walking to the tree is that's something we discussed in the ama this week a ua it's like a let's let's shift let's shift the energy let's change the dynamic let's do something that's going to be hopefully fun for us and let's move forward from there but again i sort of feel like because we never talk about sex between us at home let alone on a podcast people i need to stress that i'm not trying to like uh promote uh the wrong part of this okay what are the other two c's yeah and also sorry before i did say that i wanted to hone in on the other like chemistry things because when i wasn't feeling like i had much faith in my body and i was pretty scared that even by like lifting a yeah even sleeping on my tummy was going to kind of like rupture my insides like obviously having sex was quite scary for me yeah so she said oh well there are other things that you can do to show intimacy and i don't know whether we really kind of honed in on those i guess for us like sport is quite intimate so like jumping on each other stretching piggybacks like anything that It feels quite athletic and like, you know, sweaty and playful.

24:40Louise: That's intimate, isn't it? It's a different kind. It's a different speed. It's a different speed, yeah. No, but maybe what you're telling me is that that is you're getting enough of the chemistry dose from those situations. Yeah, I think that is what I'm saying. Well, to that I say, damn and blast it.

24:59Louise: Yeah, because you want to work out with your guy friends and not me. no I'm saying if I'm playing tennis and getting sweaty with you I'm like cool should we go home you're saying I'm good let's just stay here all day I'm like I'm done now yeah funny though yeah other two c's okay all right the next one was consideration or it could be courteous or if you're going to go outside of the c theme it would be respect and I just think if you're courteous and um you're considerate to the other person in as many ways as possible i think that's that feeds into how you communicate with each other how the chemistry feels so they all they all kind of like interlink do you know what i mean yeah so if we've had a good like a good conversation we've had a bit of canoodling i'm far more likely to be really considerate to what you want so like the first two actually kind of lead to number three whether it's like a a really gentle hug or like a little soft kiss on the cheek or like getting you flowers or joining you at a dinner party like but do you need the chemistry and the communication to actually have to do that third one because if you did the considerate one you'd be more likely to get chemistry these are not in any particular order to be honest with you but the you asked me originally what makes a good relationship in my mind there's four things that i'm trying to get to and they're all interlinked i don't think there's an order and if there is i haven't got it but in this instance if we communicate well we have the chemistry i'm going to be way more considerate to everything around me i think we need to get these four c's that printed out and put in the fridge and then we could do like little gold stars but again again again like yeah sorry that's quite funny we should do that and it's like me that's not to say that i'm gonna know if i'm not communicating or having moments of you know frisky frisky moments that's not to say that i'm gonna be deliberately inconsiderate that's not what i'm saying i'm just saying in order to get to a place of having a good relationship they are quite closely connected okay the last one is compromise okay what does that look like how willing you are to sacrifice your own time or what you want to do on a saturday morning how much do you want to compromise like do you on a sunday do you want to watch sport in your pants or sit in a dark room like you say or do you want to host your dad and his girlfriend and have a eight hour barbecue and watch them get semi-licked how much do you feel like you compromise in our day-to-day out of the four i've said yeah i feel like i compromise that's the first thing i do better than the rest i would say sorry i don't know why that's making me as in like you could use like the pick up or drop off with leo or you could be like you're going out tonight so i was like i'll get the medication from the vet but there are are there things that you like do that you really don't want to do so like picking up leo from nursery isn't it's like there's an opportunity cost there yeah there's there's loss because there's time you know things that you could have done but more a compromise is when you do something for the other person that you really don't want to do but you're actually doing it just to make them happy yeah i did it last sunday at 8 p.m i didn't want to do that call but i did it because you wanted to do it thank you and that really felt like a compromise because i knew i was asking you to do something tricky that you really didn't want to do and it was like out of your comfort zone and and then i appreciated it that extra bit more when you did that feels like that's that feels like a good example so those are my four c's that I gave you in the park.

28:36Yeah.

28:36Louise: What things do I compromise on then? I don't want to sort of do a tit for tat. I just want to, you asked me what I thought was a good relationship. So I've just given you my, what I thought was maybe helpful. I think they're really helpful. And I do think that then if we're in a bad spot, we should revert back to those and go, okay, well, if we can at least tidy up like one of these, then it might give us a bit of a boost across the others. Yeah. I do think that, as I said before, I think they are linked quite, quite closely. I think it's a bit of a domino effect. And maybe communication is right at the top.

29:10Wherever the chemistry compromising, courteous, slotting, I don't know. But yeah, I really believe in those, actually.

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30:36Louise: We've got a great listener submission this week. Thank you so much for sending them in as always. So here we go. I said, is he the perfect guy? I'm dating a guy who is relatively fresh out of a relationship. And he's great, but I'm worried that it's too soon for him. He's treating me well and is suggesting taking me away, but I'm worried that's love bombing or he's acting like we are together because that's all he knows. thoughts welcome i think it must be hard dating someone who's straight out of another relationship i think everyone needs a cooling off period yeah but it's a shame to not not date someone if because they could be the perfect person to sort of say no if you've been searching for a while and this dream person comes up and then you're like damn it you got out of a relationship a week ago what do you do do you carry on with it and you go no this like i'm really going to try and make this work or do you look elsewhere like I think from experience like I know a few people that have dated people that are straight out of relationships one of them um my one of my friends dated this guy and he was like really heavy at the beginning and we were slightly questioning what his intentions were were the invitations to go on these glamorous holidays together a way of trying to make his ex jealous was it that he was still just in a routine of being in a really serious relationship that it was all he knew so he was just kind of continuing that behavior but not like starting the relationship from scratch it's like you've just jumped from one into the next and i i do think you need that like that kind of like slow period at the beginning to get to know one another i agree and i do think you carry trauma from one relationship to the next hence you need that time to cool off and process yeah would you agree do you think like as a guy you need a cooling off period maybe it's just our industry or this part of the world but there's this emphasis on speed and like you've got to be doing this you've got to be seen to be in a relationship it's all about like i don't know people need to get comfortable with their own silences like figure out their own like directions and when you reach that point then you start to really like you start to refine your search almost and you start to find the right people like i suppose like people in relationships that have failed time and time again they they probably feel like a bit fed up by it or like bloody hell there's anyone out there that can match up to what i want and need and i think like people aren't always like 100 innocent themselves you know what i mean they need to take that time for themselves to process to process figure out who they are to figure out what they want to figure out like what qualities do i have what am i looking for in them and like just really take their time over it you know i think that that is like the gold standard of advice but i realized that now we're being quite hypocritical because both of us had just come out of relationships when we started dating and we were perfect for each other you were the perfect guy and imagine if i'd gone imagine if i'd got cold feet and went oh god he was just with someone else like last week um but i suppose the counter to that is that it it hasn't been a failed relationship do you know what i mean so whilst it might have been under the same context of oh we were both quite new out of a relationship it was still quite a semi slow start like i was a secret for a good six weeks or more and then we slowly wound it up and obviously we've been tested an awful lot but it hasn't been a failed attempt touch wood as long as the other person is like well and truly out of the picture if they're still sliding in and like harassing with messages then that would be a problem for me like when we started dating your ex even though it was a short gap was not messaging you actually i don't know maybe she was i just never saw them no no no no no and mine wasn't either oh no sorry mine was you know alec was constantly messaging and then i did go on that holiday with him so yes nice and messy follow your gut instinct gals cool well thank you for that one alright love you see you next well Monday first for the AUA then again this time next week thank goodness we don't have an episode on Tuesday because then we'll be saying see you next Tuesday that's a good point thanks for listening alright cheers guys peace

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