The number ONE thing that kills your relationships…

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1:00Morning, Louise.

1:01Ryan Libbey: Good morning, Ryan. You nearly fully committed to it there. What the good morning, good morning. Look at you in your pink outfit. I look like a dragon fruit. Do you like dragon fruit? Don't know. Why is there a fruit that tastes like sick? Apparently it's really good for you. Guava. No, no, no. Papaya. Papaya. Isn't guava and papaya the same thing? That should be deleted altogether. Papaya is not for me. Disgusting. You literally crack that open and it's like... It should be called vomit fruit, but I think that's something else isn't it? That is something else. Isn't that something that Sam had to eat on the jungle?

1:33I didn't even know about papaya until we went to the Maldives that time and I thought it was melon and I soon found out that it was not melon.

1:41Ryan Libbey: So this morning I did an Insta story encouraging people to listen to the pod and then I asked them what, I asked the world what they wanted us to talk about. There were a few juicy things but aside from that there were also a few comments from people saying that we should just call a vagina a vagina. Instead of calling it a penis snuggie or a gay part. Because we don't need to overcomplicate the woman's anatomy. Fair enough. And actually we should be role models to our own children, child. Fine. By just calling it what it is. Well, I got a message from Amanda, who you just heard on a voice note saying, stop saying the word vagina.

2:22Ryan Libbey: Oh, is she the one? She's the one, yeah. Oh, she's the one that keeps saying that. Yeah, yeah. But she's quite cute, isn't she? Yeah, but she's quite... Some people are just quite prudish, aren't they? Yeah. I was until I met you. No, dirt bucket. Bucket? I think it's a bag, dirt bag. Yeah, I'm a bucket. Like teenage dirt bag. You're a bucket full of dirt. Yeah. Filthy. Have you got a he said or a she said for us? I do actually. I do. I've got one. She said, who do you think's nicer to one another? You said this literally the other day, maybe last night. I actually did. Was it a rhetorical question?

3:01No.

3:02Ryan Libbey: Does that mean a question you know the answer to? No, not necessarily no, but you don't necessarily need a response to because it's obvious. It's obvious. Yeah, yeah. So I think when I said... Oh, it's important. I don't think it was a question. I think it was a statement when I said to you last night, who do you think's nicer to the other person out of me and you? and you gave a truthful answer what was your answer yeah i did well i just thought i thought it was an actual question no no it was i was into but it was one of those questions where you want the other person to think think it through i didn't think it's right i just came out with it i said my response was i think verbally you're a lot nicer to me you choose your words really nicely which i don't by the way i don't uh overlook but i struggle to keep up with that i think what i what i bring to the relationship is my actions are kinder so you're verbally very sweet to me but your your actions can maybe not tally up at some times whereas i probably let myself down verbally but my actions i think come through which actually hang on what actions of mine then are not friendly except for throwing away your stuff hey you've got there's a list of actions that you that you hit me with facial expressions fucking what else do you do um i can't I think right now but when was the last time you made me a coffee in the morning you know I love that you haven't done that you get up earlier than me now so I don't have the opportunity to do any cute things my point is when I sort of said it I realized that I was it was a bit of a throwback to the love language thing that we discovered about each other and I guess the reason I wanted to mention on this podcast is because it was a reminder for us and maybe for listeners like in a relationship I think it's important to remember I shouldn't be giving you what I think you need.

4:48As in, I think that if I continue to do these helpful actions and acts of service, that it's really going to speak to you. Not so much the case. What you would prefer me to do is be really verbally sweet and kind and call you darling every time.

5:02Ryan Libbey: No, it's not the darling thing always. That's just, but do you know what I mean? It's a throwback to that. Yeah. So I thought it was quite interesting. I'm glad that you recognise that I am very nice with my words to you. Yeah, I hear it. It's not something I actively think about very often. But as I was putting something in the bin in the kitchen yesterday, I thought, God, I'm actually really positive with my words around the house. I'm always very friendly, very kind. I say a lot of pleases and thank yous and you do a lot of singing and everything is quite uplifting. Is that an effort for you or is that just you?

5:39Ryan Libbey: No, I think it's just me, actually. Right. Well, I do hear it. You do hear it. And I hear it with Leo as well. You think it's good? Yeah. I feel like with Leo, it's slightly not performative, but I do speak to him like I'm a monkey. Like I'm a performing character from a Disney movie. If it's not an effort, if that's authentically you and you're just speaking how you naturally feel you want to, that's cool. Okay. Good. For me to replicate or match up to that, I would have to consciously be aware of that. That could be something to try. it's a rhetorical question it's like we all know i want you to do that no yeah well fair enough is that my little poke for the week no it's not a poke no i'm just saying i guess it would be really obvious if you started like faking it loads but like you actually have started to be quite nice yeah and i've tried to be really giggly and you've you ask me on a daily basis what's making you like why are you so happy yeah it's good i've noticed that you're just really giggly at the moment and our relationship is not always revolved around like laughter and jokes you all know something funny i went to a school tour yesterday the one that you've already been to and i was in a classroom with the headmaster and the other parents and the headmaster like turned to me to say something and i didn't say any words but i smiled and as i smiled my chest wheezed and we both looked at each other for like a split second like what the hell just happened there dude and i'm like oh my god i like i've been like breathing this morning to hear it and i've got a wheezy chest but i don't feel unwell you know my nickname used to be wheezy yeah i know but i just thought of it then because it was it was such an embarrassing moment the headmaster turned to me to say something and i smiled and as as my mouth like smiled up i went like it was so funny everyone in the room went oh that's awkward um i i was actually really really really grateful that you went on that school tour i'm because proud of you for going that school tour on your own and i didn't even have to we didn't even have to have an argument about it i'm glad i went because i'm i know that you when you went to this particular school you had a really good gut feeling so i was very intrigued but also like did you find it easier going without me to be honest i did yeah i've noticed actually you've done two things this week that I feel like I normally would have had to nag you to do.

8:04Ryan Libbey: One was jumping on a late night call on a Sunday with someone from like a surrogacy charity. I won't go into lots of detail about that. And then also doing the school tour yesterday morning. Yeah. I thought that I would have had to really beg to get you to do those things. Really? I hate that. I hate having to beg. you're off piste with that one yeah that's a massive thing that's something that I don't want to get wrong or drop the ball on like his schooling and his environment is so important and because of where we are in this part of London there's so many options and we've already seen I think nearly all of them by now I can't not show up for those moments I'm glad I went to see it as well because it was really nice good and I had the same gut response as you did that's exciting so I think we might actually I know it's not a done thing.

8:59Ryan Libbey: Well, the nerve-wracking part is that then they've got to do an assessment, right? Yeah, but other schools make that seem very daunting. They didn't package it like that at all, which I thought was really nice. Well, I do know someone that didn't get in because they couldn't figure out how to get a sheep over a river crossing with a piece of rope. Wait, do you remember the full scenario there? What's the full scenario? No, because I remember, as in like, what was the thing you had to figure out? Because I was like... I just explained it, getting a sheep over a river with a piece of rope. And they jumped over the river instead of like crafting a, cutting the rope in two and, you know, figuring out, like lassoing it across and then like tightroafing themselves across the river with their hooves.

9:47Ryan Libbey: And I don't know whether Leo, I think maybe we need to start practising those kinds of, those kinds of activities with him. What do they call that? That's not like non-verbal reasoning. But what's that whole, you know, trying to... Problem solving? Yeah, problem solving. Yeah, all of those sorts of things. Mate. Bloody hell, yeah. What would you pass with flying colours? How to cycle around a kitchen island, not a bike? A balanced bike, yeah. 100 miles an hour. Anything sports-related now, I guess. Not sure about the tennis, but... No, but it was really cool. I did find it a little bit easier being there by myself, yeah.

10:24Ryan Libbey: Nice. I think I should just give you, I should maybe just give you a bit more space with things like that. Please. This last like few weeks, I've been implementing something, which I remember, was it my mum told me about my dad? Many women have probably told me this about how to deal with men. But basically, if you ask them to do something that they don't want to do, you've got to somehow make them think, I can't believe I'm revealing this now you've got to basically plant a seed and let them think that it's their idea to want to go ahead with it that's the same shit we get told as well about women make them think it's their idea oh really?

11:06Ryan Libbey: no stop wait that's a mutual thing so it's like if I'm trying to think of like an example go on you said you've been implementing it for two weeks so what examples do you have? well no because one of the things is like very personal and we're not really at a stage where we want to talk about it publicly yeah but i guess even with like any fertility stuff it's like you've just got to lay like a couple of little seeds and you can't you just can't push people into like wanting to do something right no can't force free will yeah that's so funny isn't it that we get but both us blakes and you you you as women get told the same advice yeah make them think it's their idea they'll come around to it who is like who is the god that is teaching us this so wait your guy friends do you talk about this well i suppose i at some point i would have had conversations like that yeah i can't think when or where or even with who actually i can't it's probably sean it was it was sean yeah yeah what did he say that make them think it's their idea let go of the feeling of like you need to be right and it was your idea just hand it over oh my god that's so funny well we're all just acting all the time aren't we to try and get our own best interests relationships they had a conversation with a friend recently yeah and he was telling me about the dynamic at home and the jibs and the jabs and the the game playing and suddenly got me thinking i was like why in relationships do we feel that we have to keep score of things little things and large things because i was thinking about his example which was quite mundane and I was like you know what I've been there with Louise as well like we go through these moments of dude I've unloaded the dishwasher three times today where are you there are times where you might think that you're doing more and I'm doing less and it's like dude what's going on well I'll tell you what's interesting about that because I did actually think that maybe yesterday as I was doing something and I was like Ryan doesn't even know that I'm doing this but this is massively helping him out just taking it feels like you're doing homework a lot right you're just it's chores basically what did you do just communicating with like a lot of people to pull stuff together and i thought ryan will have no idea that i'm putting all of this work into this thing and maybe he doesn't need to but i'd quite like to be appreciated for this but the interesting thing is so what i wanted to say was

13:34when you're living in the same household you I think you said like you keep tabs it's almost

13:40Ryan Libbey: like you're keeping a score of like who's doing what and no I don't you might feel like you're doing more than the other person but why would that not apply if you're on your own like the moment that say I bet if like you're on your own over the weekend and you're doing things that are a bit annoying you don't really want to have to do them you're not thinking oh I wish my partner and was doing this instead. I've never really thought about it from that perspective. Like, I don't mind unloading the dishwasher if I'm on my own. No, that's just a very low-key example. Example, yeah. But in the same way, I wouldn't mind doing this administrative stuff if I was buying a house on my own.

14:16No, I know. I think I know where you're going.

14:18Ryan Libbey: But why is it then frustrating when there's like two of you? I guess there needs to be like consistency throughout the relationship with this feeling of like, we're in this together. and we're a team and we're a partnership. And I guess if there's moments where one of you drop off and just sort of coast and hand it over, you're like, what? We're supposed to be in this together. Have you ever been in a relationship like that where you feel like it's been really one-sided? No, I don't think so. How many relationships have you been in, Ryan? Ooh. This is actually really funny because, Ryan, I don't really know the answer to this.

14:49Me neither. What do you mean you neither? I don't know. What class is a relationship? Like this? Like nearly a decade deep?

14:55Ryan Libbey: Well, no, because obviously there haven't been any of those. Unless you're telling me that you have a kid with someone else. No. Somewhere hidden. Imagine. Which might account for the reason that you are so confused why you're not able to save any money. I don't know how many relationships. Serious relationships. Yeah. I don't know. Two or three? What was that, Faith? I don't know. I don't know what emotion I'm seriously giving you right now. Do you know what we should do? I'd love to go through the emoji thing. and try and do the faces. When Ryan and I first... You know the one, don't you? That's a segue.

15:30Ryan Libbey: You know the one. But you hate it when we get to the end of the podcast and we need to pull all of those faces for the pictures so that we show definite emotions. Let's just use those. So why would you suddenly want to play like an emoji practising game? Because when I just did that, I was like, I know what face that is on the phone. Okay, fine. Well, do the aubergine emoji. Can't do that with my face. Do you ever do it? I remember for ages you wouldn't tell me anything about anyone that you dated before and it used to, it didn't weird me out. How did it make me feel? It was very mysterious. Nothing's really changed on that front.

16:07No, I'm fine. No, I guess the reason about, the reason we mentioned why do we keep scoring relationships? I'm trying to, I was trying to go through examples in our own relationship here in the house. And again, it's one of those, it's not really a massive topic to have the conversation about, but it was a reminder for me as well to take note that it's not about keeping score and being accountable for what I'm doing or what you're not doing or vice versa. It's more a case of we're a team, you know? We're a team, we're pushing in the same direction. And if there are days where I'm picking up slack or you're picking up slack, whatever, it doesn't really matter at the end of the day because we're a team.

16:49Ryan Libbey: I do feel like the fact that you're bringing this up, though, means that you've thought about it at some point this week. No, not this week. No? No. It's not like a constant state of keeping score. I just think there are times where, in a relationship, naturally you go through these moments where you feel that the one person might be doing more than the other. Have you noticed, actually, that this week I've asked you whether you need help with things quite a lot? You do ask me that quite often, to be fair. Do I? Yeah. but maybe that's because I've got a bit more space now to try and help ease your load a little bit because I can tell that you're a bit stressed but that goes back to your selection of kind words even when you've got a lot going on you've always been quite open to how can I help you which is great but I never accept it it's true I don't which is a me problem because I'm trying to think of like other ways that people can not sit on that like resentment that you build when you feel like you're doing everything so do we need like a little signal like signal we've been in a relationship when we go through issues we try to problem solve and we come up with funny old things like the instead of me shouting around going ryan i need your help just like come downstairs or like whatever i need to talk to you instead we now do the the bird whistle so we go to communicate with one another saying like i need you here right now but what can we do you know what do you want to say well i think one of of the coolest things we've done in our relationship is when we're trying to lift the mood yeah and i would like look at you and you'd be like this like remember you used to do that yeah yeah the guy you used to do that regular in like the most weird situations no but you started that would like immediately turn my day around because you started that with your brother from that video from that viral clip when the guy's like take a photo of me now he's like no he's like no but then he can't say now while he's doing that and the girl's not taking a picture of him doing this I can't do it.

18:45Ryan Libbey: I'm not a good actress.

18:49Ryan Libbey: No, we can't. Yes, let's bring that back around. I'd love to be sat at the Harbour Club like we were the other day when I was on my own table and you were through. You were working behind me. If you turn around and do that, that's like, I'm done. We were working in two separate rooms. My mum was in the adults-only quiet room and I was in the kid haven and the only spaces available were these two tables and there was like a glass window in between and Ryan's just like sat working behind me. So occasionally when I was doing something where I wasn't working, I'd like turn around and go, oh, can you see that I'm, even though actually it was work, picking out bits for a Lara Duke campaign, I was like, Ryan's going to be judging me because he thinks of my furniture.

19:26No, but just next time, do. It'll be amazing.

19:31Ryan Libbey: I quite like that, like working together in a different environment. It reminds me of being at uni when you first start dating someone and you're like in the library and you know that, then you like bump into men from the night before. Oh, did you ever have that? Like, would you spend a lot of time in a library at university? No, but I had moments of it, yeah, sure. But like, that was kind of like the hub of where you would work, just because there were desks and fast internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you'd go and like set up camp for the day and get like a bag of snacks and stuff. And then you'd like walk to the loo and see who you could see.

20:05What would your bag of snacks be if you were going to the library now?

20:08Ryan Libbey: I, if I had a job, which was a desk job, I would really struggle to maintain my weight if I was full-time. Because when I used to work at a desk in the library for like 10 hours a day, my only motivation was going to the Sainsbury's next door. I'd get a whole massive bag of snacks and I'd get through it really quickly. Talk me through the university snack bag. Oh, I don't know. Was it like cans of Vimto? No. Iron brew? No. No. All right. Was it things like prawn cocktail skips and quavers? We've already spoken about this. I don't, I'm not a meal deal, girly. This isn't even a meal deal. I haven't drunk any of those weird drinks.

20:48Ryan Libbey: So it was probably like trying to be sophisticated. So I probably had like a coffee because there's Starbucks next door. That's bullshit. You don't drink coffee. I know, but I did back then. And then I figured out that that was probably the reason that I had severe anxiety most of the time. So I'd have like an iced coffee or like before I realized how calorific they were. I loved that. Caramel macchiato. No, the like frozen whippy strawberry. Oh, yeah, yeah. Strawberries and cream macchiato or something. Frappuccino. Mocha frappa. That, yeah. Mocha frappa flipping extra cream juice. I remember those.

21:23Ryan Libbey: Syrups and all that. I remember those. Because that looked like cool. And then a, I don't know, just like an arrangement of stuff, basically. But I would try and be healthy. But there'd just be a lot. I used to get, I remember at university, I'd always have these like sweet chilli covered, like coated peanuts from Tesco's. Nice. You've got like really, you've got like specific like snack obsessions though. Yeah, but I don't have that now. Yes, you do. Like pickled onions, pickled everything. No, no. So now you're really into medjool dates. What? Medjool dates? Medjool dates. Oh. Okay, so on the note of like food stuffs, I'm not going to get like super offended about this because I'm a strong, resilient gal.

22:11Ryan Libbey: I've been through a lot. Okay. So don't take this the wrong way. But you often go to the supermarket or like Bailey and Sage for a swanky little food shop and you'll come back only with things that I can't eat with my condition. Not deliberately. Let me just say. It's actually not deliberately. No. Because every single item is either really spicy or like you've chosen the guacamole with loads of tomato chunks in it or just things that I can't eat. I'm a total airhead when I go to the supermarket. I go in there and my mind goes empty. Most people go in there on a mission and they've got a list in their hand and it's great to see.

22:51I'm like, bloody hell. I go in there and I'm like, what am I doing here again? And I just cruise around aisle by aisle and come out with... I sent it to the guy that I... I sent it to Carlos, who's a Brazilian guy at Bailey and Sage. I was like, Carlos, I came in here for one thing. I spent 85 quid on shit.

23:08Ryan Libbey: Okay, so what that then made me think of is that time when I wasn't very well and I went to the supermarket and I came back with... I'd ask you, what would you like me to buy from the supermarket? What do you want for dinner? Do you remember I came back with a couple of packets of fish and you didn't speak to me for like three days? Yeah, I do remember that, yeah. Why didn't you speak to me for three days after that? It probably wasn't three days. It was like a real breakdown of the relationship. It was when I was knocking out like multiple roasts a week, like putting time into it and you came back with a packet of like ready to go ready to eat i don't even know what they were like kippers or something and you went through a phase you went through you went through a phase of having like sardines or something that you'd have was ketchup and it was just gross you're making stuff up no never had sardines with ketchup and i don't have ready to eat fish yes you do yes you do yes you do yes you do yes you do yes you do there's like a dark fleshy fish that has like got some sort of seasoning on it you know oh like mackerel that's the one yep that was a long time ago and that was because this is what we're talking about the long time ago you come back and you're like there's your dinner mate okay whatever you've completely gone off piece because that was not what was happening here you you started it by saying i came back with two packets of fish a cod yes it was mackerel okay so if you don't do you not like fish i think that's not really no not really all right because fine that's good to know so when i say what would you like for dinner and i think okay we've had a gazillion portions of chicken lamb beef there's only so many things you can actually cook i'd like i'd like to eat so many foods that you can eat so then i think oh i'll get a fish and it and you just don't like fish did you enjoy the sea bass i grew the other day was that good because i can get on board with outdoor cooking of fish and yeah it was delicious thank you no i'm not leaving not even looking but that version of fish i can i can enjoy not a bloody ready to eat mackerel it's only because they're good.

25:01Ryan Libbey: They've got loads of omegas in them. No, that's fine, yeah. It's like a good snack, isn't it? It's hard. It's a bit of ketchup on the side. No, I didn't have... Oh! Yes. Oh, God, that was... Thank you. Wait, that actually was a really weird face. Yes. Like, all those, like, peppery ones. No, here we go. What the hell? I... Yeah, but look, we need to remember that I have not been well. And I've had some weird food phases. You ask me why did I get upset for three days about that, and I'm just telling you that I'm not into peppery mac or ketchup. Yeah, but it was a separate situation because I did actually buy you card.

25:35Ryan Libbey: We don't need to keep going over to got milk, but I, God, I had some weird food obsessions. Do you remember, like, you know, before I had the peritonitis in October, I only ate meat for like two weeks. That was hard to do. Yeah, maybe not the most sensible thing to do. I don't know. No, I don't think so. Have you ever done that, though? Like, Kyle, all sugars. oh unsuccessfully i've never really adhered or stuck to a diet i'll be honest with you seriously hard yeah i can't do it they basically say then when you're craving sugar eat more fat so i was like cool so i just ended up like eating loads and loads of fat fatty bits of meat like fat on bacon fat on steaks i've actually never done a diet that's pretty cool no i don't know i don't know but i've to answer your question have i ever cut out like sugars and carbs and stuff never have proof that you don't need to to get a well good bod i don't know about that you had a nice moment in the gym this week speaking of diet and health and everything i did it was really sweet it was actually really sweet and you know i i think i told you at the time but i know who this person is from a different environment do you think she'll mind us telling the story i don't think she will no because it was really sweet would you like me just tell you how i saw it yes all right i was on the leg press like this all right you don't need to get your butt in the air right now i'm just giving you the paint in the picture yeah wait wait you weren't on the leg press because i was right next to the leg press i was on the leg press and she walked into the gym and you were stood next to me waiting for your turn i jumped off and i could see that she was semi-nervous straight away she even dropped her water bottle which i found really sweet and endearing and i thought i think i can see what's going to happen here so I stepped away and she closed in on you straight away and I saw the conversation started to unfold and she got really emotional super quick and I was like this is really sweet already because she's like desperate to say something to you and she got emotional and I was like I know who this person is I've seen her maybe two or three times at the hospital I think she's a nurse I had had like a clear image of her in her um scrubs and stuff like that yeah and I've seen her in that gym a couple times she's also got a Doberman which I've seen her walk around town this is how perceptive Ryan is because I've never seen this person before by the way and I've spent more time in the hospital than you and so the fact that you've recognised her from multiple different sightings is kind of insane anyway you were locked into a conversation with her for a good 20 minutes and I could see that you were being, that you were really engaged in that conversation as well yeah so this lovely lady came up to me she's a little bit younger than us but not very much.

28:16Ryan Libbey: Is she younger than us? Yes Didn't know that? No, I just assumed. A friend of mine. So when I was younger and when I was really in the thick of the party days, so probably when I was like 15, 16, 17, we used to go, I was good friends with this guy and I'd often end up back at his house for after parties, like after going to clubs and stuff. Which sounds... Which was horrendous, like really, really bad. And this girl was actually one of my good friends' younger sisters and she said to me she suffered with she struggled a bit with her mental health when she was younger yeah and she said to me in the gym this is literally fast forward what how many years 15 to 35 20 20 years later 20 years later she came up to me and said thank you so much for being so kind to me 20 years ago we used to come to the house regularly and a lot of people were not very nice and not very friendly.

29:14Ryan Libbey: And I will never forget that you were always really nice to me when I was going through a really hard time. It was a long time ago. It was a really long time ago. And I have to be honest, I can't really remember those specific incidences. But it really made me think, gosh, there is nothing more memorable than kindness. People always say that people don't remember words, but they remember how someone made them feel, don't they? Oh, nice. and this is such a clear example of that and it made me feel so emotional at that moment I was like god I'm so I'm so glad that I was a nice person like nothing has ever made me feel as good as receiving that kind of feedback like that to me is the like biggest compliment you can give someone she said this is an amazing lady by the way she has obviously worked in the hospital I didn't know that she never came up to me when I I was there because she didn't want to sort of invade my privacy, if you like.

30:10She's also worked in prisons.

30:13Ryan Libbey: And she, so she's worked with a lot of people that are not very well. And she said, you know, there's nothing more important than people, whether it's like patients or people that she's worked with. There's nothing better than someone giving you feedback that they like, think that you've done a good job or that you've done something lovely. and immediately in that moment I thought well you're so right and you've just really like lit up my whole day and I can't wait to go and light up somebody else's day by passing on paying it forward yeah paying forward saying something telling somebody else that they've made me feel really good even if it is in the past because it doesn't matter it could be something that someone's done you know 10 20 however many years ago yeah that made you feel really good like to receive that message like even if it's kind of anonymous like out of nowhere is really an amazing feeling do you know what else i found sweet about this as well because i i sort of got the impression that maybe she was a little bit nervous to have the conversation with you but she she like mustered up the courage to do it and when you think about because i know that she's seen you in hospital at least five or six times but she's obviously viewed that as like it's not the time or place to do this now i'll wait for my shot and she walked into that gym she would have seen you there she probably got nervous and upset and she thought i'm gonna take my shot and she gave you such a nice compliment which you like the car because because i was set back from it watching you to engage you could see you could see that it was like a really lovely moment so you walked away from it feeling great because you're like god thank god that i was i'm a nice person and i was 25 20 years ago and she would have walked away from it thinking oh my god i feel great i feel great that i've plucked the courage to do that god i'm feeling like quite emotional thinking about this whole story because it's just a lot i think with the whole like hospital element as well it's weird when the world like brings you together with somebody for like a reason like maybe i needed to hear that that day maybe like it's quite serendipitous like the fact that we've crossed paths on so many occasions yeah yeah and i feel like we actually get that quite a lot at the moment like you bumped into someone anyway yesterday who you haven't seen for years and had like a really amazing conversation yeah and i and i i really like to kind of like lean into those but what this makes me think on a deeper level is gosh you never yeah you never know when you're going to meet somebody again highlighting the importance of being kind to everybody because had she been my nurse and i had i not been nice to her 20 years ago right yeah like that is also something that someone could have held on to and they could have then not been very nice back to me so true and so i'm grateful to my younger self for even though you know i went through loads of struggles with you know back in that sort of like awkward teenage period where i was drinking a lot um yeah i'm i'm glad that like throughout all of that i was still like a very nice person to everybody that i was that came and came across so the message is we can't we can't people and that's what i like about these school tours that we've been doing like there's heavy emphasis on kindness manners make it man yeah i mean all these things i guess for i guess we disregard them on a daily basis but they really bloody do carry a lot of value oh yeah kindness really pays i think for leo is just have good manners and to be nice even though nice is a word that gets such a bad rep doesn't it people no one wants to be called nice i experienced something like this this morning just in terms of like kindness and how it feels good to be kind but it also feels great when you receive kindness isn't it so on my way to nursery this morning you'll know this chappy you would have seen him a million times he's got down syndrome as you go towards school and he's always outside on my way to school most parents like fly by and whatever else and there's probably times where i have flown by but today i gave him a fist bump and he had some like little celebration little um he does these funny little noises uh every time i see him and it was just like it was just nice to like pause for a moment and fist bump him because i see him twice a day most of the time pick up on collection he's just a friendly little dude outside in his little liverpool shirt and i thought why not just take a moment and be kind to him moments like that i think moments like that just you know like we shouldn't we shouldn't just get past those interactions with people i don't know it was just it was just something that happened like an hour ago so it just came to my mind.

34:43Ryan Libbey: Yeah. That's gorge. Be kind. I get emotional even when other people are kind. I wanted to talk to you about something that's much less serious today. Yeah. Sure.

35:02Ryan Libbey: I'm quite chuffed with myself because this week I've worked less hard and I've actually binge-watched two seasons. Go on. I wish we'd watched them together. two different shows two different shows two entire shows so basically i watched a show called sirens and perfect couple right both amazing so i watched sirens first and actually then the girl who was doing my nails she said you need to watch the perfect couple because it's got one of the same actresses in it casting across both shows is incredible nicole kidman's in perfect couple and you know i'm obsessed with all ginger actresses like i love state winslow i love julianne moore who's in sirens and i love nicole kidman so julianne moore and nicole kidman are my favorite actresses and they're like the lead women in both of these shows and the shows share quite a lot of similarities because they're both about a really wealthy family or like couple um that kind of live it looks like they both live in the hamptons so like that sort of like island off of new york um incredibly wealthy like massive home and it's they kind of give like both characters both lead female characters give like stepford wives vibes there's many similar themes across both shows but one of the things that i wanted to get your opinion on which is just really basic is so both of the men um the wealthy men end up having affairs with women that are much younger than them okay i mentioned this like really briefly to you and you were like oh don't talk about how you know you could be really affected by a tv show and i'm i'm like i don't get heavily affected by every TV show that I watch but there was like a really small part of me that thought like gosh it does make you and I wonder if any of our listeners can relate to this it does make you as a woman think shit do we have is there like a ticking time bomb before like a successful man who ages like a fine wine ends up having an affair with a younger woman like where does that stereotype come from?

37:03Ryan Libbey: Like, why do rich men end up having affairs with young hot women? Is this a question to me? I just want to get your opinion on that. It's a big question. And like, obviously we don't know the answer, but I just want to get your opinion on it. Is this something that women are aware of? Well, I think when you shows like this highlight that that is... Slash, do you think when I'm a silver fox that I'm going to trade you in? No, because you're not super, like, you're not sat on five generations at the end. Shit. no no i i really don't because of who you are and your moral compass and also the great thing is is now we're sharing all of this on the podcast you'd be a double dick if you did do this and the whole world would know about it and they would team up with me so you'd never be safe if anyone knows anything about ryan then please do slide into my dms um all right so you want me to answer this like stereotypical like older man with a younger woman scenario yeah all right am i gonna get iced for this by someone i don't i think you just have to be honest and go with the flow like everyone's got an opinion on things okay here we go this is my take on it if you're sat on huge amounts of cash and you've reached a certain age as a man i i would imagine you start to care less about people and what they think and just care less about life in general you probably develop a bit of a fuck you attitude.

38:26And I think if you're really, really wealthy, you probably care less about what you look like. You worry less about game and you're probably thinking money talks and you're probably thinking, I could probably hire an agent, a dating agent, throw some money at it. I could probably pick out and be really particular and picky on the women. Why not go for a younger, hot model? i i would imagine this is me just shooting from the hippie as well but yeah i'd imagine ego like if you're really really rich and really really carefree and slightly senior in age you're probably like yeah i'm gonna be slightly egotistical i'm gonna let my ego run wild why not so that's from a male's point of view which by the way i don't i don't i don't really uh subscribe to this i think it's pretty creepy and odd and then i would imagine fuck I'm gonna ask for this um I would imagine there are some women out there yeah and I haven't really met these women but I think I know that they exist there are some women who I think like the idea of being protected and provided for and they like the whole concept with sugar daddy they liked they they probably like the fact that they can have cartier and gucci and dior bags arriving every week and they probably think who cares if it's from a bloke with silver hair or no hair they probably just think well this is the lifestyle i want and i'll just roll over once a week and let it let it happen isn't that mental

40:03Ryan Libbey: but people like positions of power and money so much i could have that completely wrong by the well there are definitely women that enjoy that and there are definitely men that enjoy younger women and but i wonder whether also it's like as men age like your this your sex drive doesn't really diminish whereas maybe a female's does there's like the hormonal thing they're like looking for it elsewhere I think I have like a bit of a weird creepy interest in affairs in the same way that I have a very heavy interest in twins like I that is a strange combination affairs and twins I'm deeply interested in twins and I'm deeply interested in affairs like one of the best TV shows out there was a show called The Affair we watched that one together though that was with what's his chops oh yeah you're quite fancy dominic west right you got some deep interests i've got some deep interests in affairs we start on your show louise's deep interests well no there's a there's a good podcast called the affair with anna williamson which i might start listening to bex who works on our show she's recommended it if you were ever going to have an affair considering it would what would that look like would you mess would you Message me.

41:23Ryan Libbey: Would you let me know first? I'm not ready for this question. I've not planned my affair. Do you ever have women slide into your DMs? I wish.

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42:42Ryan Libbey: I could talk to you forever right now. That's nice, isn't it? Yeah. Nice thing for me to say. Yeah. and I actually am worried that we don't have time for a listener submission although I really want to get into this because the question that she says is can love ever be truly unconditional but I think we need to save it for next week because Rick's just messaged me and he's driving me to the tennis which is quite crazy Ranger Rick's outside is he? he's actually quite hot oh my god he looks like the guy he looks like the the dude from Perfect Couple he looks like the guy that has the effect Why the fuck is he your driver?

43:20You haven't used Uber for that one, have you?

43:22Ryan Libbey: He's parked around the corner anyway. I better come out and see Rick. Yeah, you better take me to my car. I better put on something a bit nicer than this. Ricky! All right, darling. Can I just say something about Rick? No, it just reminded me. His spelling, by the way, is R-I-I-K, which is quite sompsy. When I was in Vegas with Will, I hired two Harley Davidson bikes for like a half a day, and I went to this like out in Nevada Harley Davidson shop turned up to see this proper American he had a massive knife on his belt buckle and when I turned up and he was like hey Ricky and I was like I'm Ryan and he was like oh the bookie says Ricky so for the rest of the day I was Ricky do you know what that's reminding me of The Crown can we talk about The Crown next week oh my god just call me Ricky for the rest of the day alright Ricky Ricky

44:17Ryan Libbey: oh Ricky see you next week thanks for that love you Rick but then I can't call you Rick because that's your dad's name and then I'll start saying that I love him too thanks for a lovely conversation you better go and get your glad rags on for Ricky yeah listeners don't forget that you're on the same side so don't keep the score it's not a game and we'll see you on Monday for the AUA yes and also kindness is king pay it forward pay it forward do it today pay it forward at Queen's okay that means I've got to give my mum a compliment not to Ricky but to someone else AUA on Monday back for a regular episode on Wednesday YouTube coming out Sunday all your comments, all your love hearts all that sort of stuff is very very welcome so keep it rolling thank you bye