The REAL reason we’re not buying our second home…

0:00Hey guys, it's Mary from Two Judgy Girls. This episode is sponsored by Aerie. If you're counting down the minutes until you take your bra off when you get home, it's probably the wrong bra. Or if the straps are digging into your shoulder or you're constantly adjusting throughout the day, it's definitely time to get a better fit. That's why we love Aerie. Their bras are designed to be the essential effortless first layer with soft fabrics, great fits, and up to 59 sizes. So you can find the one that's right for you. your bra should be holding you in not holding you back visit aerie.com to find the right bra for you that's a e r i e.com hi guys welcome back to he said she said the podcast that is hosted by myself

0:47Louise: louise and my partner ryan oh you did it again you said the word partner oh my god can't wait to get into this okay we're gonna talk about that in a little bit what's wrong with partner It just sounds so official and like transactional. Here's my partner. You're my pod partner. Yeah, but I'm also more than just your pod partner. So you hate the word partner. You did a story the other day on the weekend and you intro'd that story in such a bizarre way. It really jarred me. Wait, what did I say? You said, you were in the kitchen, you were looking at the cinema outside and you were like, guys, me and my partner have built a cinema.

1:24and i'm like first of all it's not we but secondly like partner just sounds so bizarre to me but i

1:32Louise: can't call you my boyfriend because we're 35 now call me a fiance i'm not gonna say my fiance every time i talk about you oh here this is ryan my fiance nice nice to introduce him that was clunky anyway because i'm just so bad if i had my phone i'd play it for you because it was weird and carlos did i say carlos sent me a message he was like i've got a problem with this story he's like she sounds like i don't know just very different in this oh so i was actually talking in the video as well saying my partner and i guys my partner and i okay i will just call you scooby then well no that was my nickname for you all right okay well we're here ryan and i my fiance and I are sat here talking about stuff where we bear all about our lives and have some tricky conversations right on is that a good enough intro for you yeah hopefully you guys will relate to some of what we talk about if you enjoyed this episode please share it with other people what were we talking about just before we started recording theft oh yeah there's been a lot of theft going on around us lately yeah I tracked down Harry's killer yeah so you tracked down Harry's killer yeah who stole her backpack with all of her essentials in her underwear, her clothes, her makeup.

2:48I would have put laptop and phone at the top of that list, but yeah, sure.

2:52Louise: Look, thongs can be very expensive. Found him. He's in jail. You found him. We obviously spoke about the bike scenario a couple of episodes ago, but we were actually talking about how some people are addicted to thieving. They get a bit of a thrill out of it. And I think that the spectrum of stealing things is quite wide, isn't it? But I just remembered that you used to steal stuff from shops. You're a shoplifter. Hang on a second. You are. When we first met, your friend, Carlos, who gets way too much airtime on this podcast, told me that you used to steal mugs from coffee shops and you take them home.

3:35This is factually...

3:36Louise: You line your cupboards with Costa and Starbucks cups. No, I took one coffee cup from Starbucks. Have you ever taken a cheeky Haribo or like sweet from a pick-a-mix in the cinema? All right, let me give you, I'll bear the truth here. When I was at school, I remember going to get pick-a-mix every whatever day it was. And we cottoned on to the fact that it was done on like the size of the cup, not really the weight. So back in the day in Woolworths, oh my God. loved Woolworths Woolworths was it called Woolworths? yeah anyway we used to put packed of chewing gum at the bottom and then we'd put the sweets on top because the chewing gum was like basically more expensive than the pick and mix at the time and we'd like do that on the regular I'd be like yeah got myself some juicy fruity on top of that and you weren't supposed to put the chewing gum in as part of the pick and mix well no because that's not from the pick and mix section I think you've become better behaved since we've been together maybe you can just afford to pay for things now.

4:40If my dad was here, he'd be like, yeah, he's an absolute criminal.

4:42Louise: I remember that was another thing when we first met. I used to stand behind people in the tube terms and I used to like go through and not pay all the time. I was that guy. You are a bit of a criminal. He used to call you a blaggard. And I just remember thinking that's such an ugly word to say. It's like an onomatopoeia. It just sounds like a bad egg. a bad person yeah i was young what does that even mean what that word i don't even want to say it again it doesn't sound right which one blaggard jammy okay so you kind of just like jammy jam your way through life yeah all right well what do you want to talk about today what updates have we got we've got a bit of a house update i know people were very interested when we were talking about that why are you rolling your eyes because it's not very exciting news well it's not it's not exciting or particularly great news but i suppose we could spin it into a positive we've got to be real because this podcast is very real so i think in the interest of being authentic we should update you guys and let you know that as it turns out we cannot afford to buy a second home in the way that we want to do and i can't believe that it's taken us six months to figure this out and I do think that it's a slight case of too many cooks spoiling the broth we took advice from many different people and looking at past experiences when I've just bit the bit the bullet and made a decision on my own I've gone for something I've committed to it I've bought it and I've dealt with like you know the tax implications as an afterthought and the aftermath and I've always made it work and I think that's the thing about making these big financial decisions is that sometimes you kind of need to take a risk.

6:30Louise: There's always going to be a cost benefit. And we twiddled our thumbs and stewed over it and spoke to many different people, accountants, financial advisors, buying agents. And we were really distracted. And I think we were taken off course when it came to following our vision. Anyway, we basically realized that stamp duty was going to be near enough 17 % buying the second home either through our personal accounts or through a business if we wanted to make it kind of a business venture and turn it into an Airbnb or grow it into something different. And we would be paying out 100k a year just in tax to make this a viable opportunity, which is a lot.

7:17Louise: And the things that then we could put that into seems a lot more sensible yeah how do you feel about this i feel to be honest the whole because we put quite a lot of time into that house search i learned a lot because it was my first exposure to that sort of stuff so it's not time wasted saw a lot of guff saw some really exciting stuff the one that we landed on was very very exciting but then you know it's just it's not the it's not the right time we don't have the we don't have the amount that we would need in our personal accounts to make something like that work so i don't know i kind of went from like a holy smokes we're about to do this my dream is about to come true and i i think we both mentally moved in and i was thinking about like the times where you would get the train from paddington and i'd pick you up the other end and i was like romanticizing all that stuff um so to then like almost have the rug pulled underneath our feet on it was a little bit upsetting but i don't think it was for the i don't think it's something you know that i am dragging my heels over now it's yeah we moved on quite quickly i think what's meant for you well yeah because when they said that you'll be losing 100k in tax and just mortgage repayments alone before you even get into no the 100k was just on tax regardless of exclusive well that's enough that okay so even so there's more to it but just that figure alone is enough for me to just turn it off like that the flip to all of this is that we've decided now actually that it is a goer to rent and i do you know what i hate about that is that so many sensible people in our lives my mum and a couple of my mum's friends had suggested that we rent first and i thought they were being such killjoys because i actually don't know why i thought they were being i know why i know why because they used to package it up as oh it's a big move like you don't know if you'll like that way of life why don't you rent first to test it but what we've what we've learned by going through our own journey of this is that we already know that we like the country because we go there all the time we know that works so we don't need to test it in order to figure that one out but by renting you avoid stamp duty you avoid whopping costs upfront costs and whatever else well you can explain more but it's more of a sensible option for us yeah and i think it's exciting as well i think we can still romanticize the idea of renting somewhere so we have been searching it also means we can look at a slightly broader area and then we get to try different things we still want to long-term rent so it would be we're looking for rentals between six to 12 months are we what 12 months really because once you've moved in it takes a month yeah definitely not six months we're looking at one to two years surely we are and then with the with the option to extend if we really enjoy it but i also think that there would be something quite exciting about moving and trying a new location for maybe a couple of years so doing a year in each place yeah but i mean that sounds cool but there's a lot of stuff that we travel with i the process can you can you imagine how many hours and days oh my god how long it would take to pack to box this house up with everything in it yeah but we're not boxing up the whole house we're staying here as well no but we're going to take some certainly a lot of this stuff over to wherever we land plus then no doubt you'll fill it with fuck knows what fucking 20 lampshades for one set of sconce lighting cue lara do with a new takeover louise's next time being like for fuck sake we have i think i'm a hoarder have you ever watched that show yes i've seen it come in and they literally there's someone that's such a hoarder that they can't move from their seat then it's like blocked in.

10:59That gives me hives.

11:00Louise: They've glued to the chair and they have to be forklifted out of there. That's my worst nightmare. That's how we live. No. What do you mean? Do you see this entranceway here? I know we've spoken about things way before. Yeah, yeah. But the fact that that is blocking that way there is already stressing me out. That's how bad I am with like stuff. I think you've got sensory issues. So we're on the hunt and actually someone taught me a little tip that I should probably not share with you guys until we've at least proceeded with our own search but i'm going to be generous here apparently a good way to find somewhere for one of these sorts of rentals is to look on websites for estates so you know what an estate is that sounds expensive what just someone that owns like an estate within a county and they tend to own lots of cottages within their within the estate so there are lots of little smaller cottages on the properties and you can inquire and find out whether they have rental opportunities that you will never find on something like on the market or right move or zoopla or any of those places okay so you've got to kind of like know where to dig okay yeah i'm putting my feelers out but i definitely really really really really really think that we need to be in by christmas because we're hosting this year that would be really fun.

12:20Louise: There's quite a lot going on isn't there because we're I'm also trying to buy somewhere in London. I have actually received an email from someone just now which is quite exciting. So there's nothing on the market in London that I'm interested in to the point where I'm actually about to start door knocking and writing letters to pop through people's letter boxes to ask whether they will sell their flat to me. Is that the done thing? You can do that. Lots of people buy their houses that way. Anyway, I've hunted high and low to find the contact details for a lady that owns this one very specific flat, which it happens to be under a flat that I do in, that I really want.

12:55Louise: So it's tenanted. So I couldn't just go and knock on the door. And it's owned by this huge property holding company. I emailed the guy that's in charge of this company. And I had to email quite a few times to get a response and then once I had an in I found information about about a few of these people that I knew I could connect with schools that they've been to right um boards that they were on of companies and I thought now I know enough about you I know how to put on your heartstrings so I'm going to send you the perfect email and pitch to you why you should sell your flat to me and and I've got a call later today with this total stranger shall I have a look at what and the actual the director themselves we can't do it at 2 p.m because no i know we've got another lunch meeting but isn't that quite cool and it kind of lines up with what we were saying when we had uh dinner together last friday about where do we have dinner together last friday well we went to brook house remember oh yeah which does the best roast in london by the way on a sunday if you're interested big portions um we happened to be having a conversation that day about the idea of well just if you don't ask you don't get and i think that we're now at a stage in our life and in our careers and you know rising 40 where i think we need to be a bit more bolshy in business not bolshy that's the wrong word a bit more um what's the right word proactive proactive direct go out there accurate find mentors ask people for help Get what you want from it.

14:29Louise: Initiate those conversations. And I've started doing that. Have an agenda. And it's really paying off. And then as we were saying that, we bumped into someone that we knew in the pub. And they then introduced us to the founder of Oliver for Bonus, the founder of Bali, all of these really interesting people. And we thought that that's not a sign. I feel like we manifested that in just by having that conversation. Anyway, I'm not really making a lot of sense here, but I'm about to get real direct. Oh, God. You getting more direct is not something I want to be around. Really? Yeah, but I'm not going to be direct with you, babe.

15:07Louise: Smokes. I don't think that's possible. Speaking of signs, I keep seeing ladybirds. Sorry, are they ladybirds or ladybugs? You can call them either, I think. Should we go with birds? Because I do believe in signs, by the way. Yeah. And ladybirds keep arriving in the kitchen. In fact, one of them was on Leo's hand the other day. And I'm like, do you know what they signify? Don't they signify new chapters, new beginnings? and I'm at a stage in my life where I'm like there's a lot of new things happening yeah but you've taken that so far that when our accountant came around to the house to hang out or have this meeting last week there was a ladybird that you could see in your I don't know like 20 meters away and you're like guys can I just stop everybody there's a ladybird over there this is a sign and I was like this is just a this is just a boring accountancy meeting I don't think this is no It's a new accountant to me with new plans, new strategies.

15:55Louise: Yeah. I do believe in signs. Is believing in signs the same as having a superstition? For example, three drains on a street, I don't walk over. No, or you don't walk under a ladder. Well, obviously that, but three drains. What do you mean, obviously that? Well, I feel like that's just like a generic one. Like that's just like, that's just probably not that safe to do regardless of like superstitions attached to it. Okay. But with three drains. I feel like you're a daredevil though. Me? Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, I do like to, I do live on the edge, but I do, I do, I do definitely, definitely don't walk over three drains.

16:33Louise: You just reminded me of a conversation I had with Louisa yesterday where she was asking me about silly things that you believed when you were a child to be true. Oh, I heard about this Capra Sun shit. And Louisa believed that the moon followed you everywhere, which is, I also think I believe that because when you were driving on a long, long drive. No, that's quite sweet though. The moon does literally follow you everywhere. It's magic, isn't it? And even then in the daytime, you can see the moon when it's, I don't know why, but sometimes when it's a bit dark. But she believed that the whole, that the moon was the hole in a Capri Sun drink.

17:05She was living in a Capri Sun.

17:08Louise: What, did you believe anything nuts when you were a child? What kind of superstitious things? When I was a child. Well, I actually don't think I did, but I don't think I was around particularly creative people that were trying to, you know, story tell and encourage me to believe stuff, which is a bit boring really. Anyway, back to science. There was one thing that happened the other day. I was, so for a few years, I was the Kia UK ambassador, which is really cool. And then for whatever reason, I still don't know to this day and it's a bit of a shady situation, but my contract basically got terminated early and I don't know if it was because I was still driving a defender but i did say to them from the outset i was like if you just give me the car long term for the duration of the contract i'll get rid of my car they couldn't facilitate that so anyway um the kia thing went and the porsche thing has like started to trickle into my world and it was a few weeks ago when a porsche was delivered to literally outside there and this green porsche was rolling off the ramp okay and bearing in mind that road is busy there's cars up and down all the time all the time and i was i got my phone out to take a video because i was like this is quite brilliant like a porsche is being delivered to me this is fun and your dad was actually stood next to me anyway the porsche rolls off just as the porsche goes out of sight on the camera a kia ev9 rolls into frame out with the old in with the new and i was like that surely that's a sign because that's like all right see you kia hello porsche yeah and that was one of those moments that you just you couldn't have planned that like in any world but also in the video that you were taking there was only one car that drove past one car which was that perfectly timed the bonnet went out shot the bonnet came in and i was like oh my god this is wild i think that they're everywhere if you want to look is that a sign or is that serendipity i don't always get confused what's serendipity i don't know i think they're both similar

19:13hey guys it's mary from two judgy girls this episode is sponsored by airy if you're counting down the minutes until you take your bra off when you get home it's probably the wrong bra or if the straps are digging into your shoulder or you're constantly adjusting throughout the day it's definitely time to get a better fit that's why we love airy their bras are designed to be the essential effortless first layer with soft fabrics, great fits, and up to 59 sizes, so you can find the one that's right for you. Your bra should be holding you in, not holding you back. Visit Aerie.com to find the right bra for you.

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20:36Let me ask you a question. Yeah. What do you think about having each other on a find my friends thing? Because I was with a mate the other day. And I didn't realize that this is like a very commonly done thing. But partners, boyfriends, husbands, wives, whatever. They often have each other on a map on a find my thing, on a find my friends app. Do they? and i'm like yo is that i don't know i don't know how i feel about it because i

21:04well i suppose actually from our perspective we're always together whether that's here or i don't know studio i don't know whatever it is but it's weird it's a weird one is it

21:16Louise: to have tracks on my friends i used to have that when i was at uni it is called my friends yeah i hesitated because i do use the app but i have it for like where's my motorbike or where's my keys not like where's my partner oh isn't that find find my though find my like iphone yeah well yeah because you know what i and actually louise is sat in there who i work with this is quite interesting i've i've lost my phone a few times in the house over the last couple of weeks and i've had to use the find my app where you can send an alert it makes a noise so you can find it and because we've got quite a few work devices on that saved under the same account i then thought my phone was over and wherever I think like Louisa worked and I panicked and I thought oh my god someone's still on my phone and they've taken it there and then I realized oh no that's where somebody that I know that I work with lives and I thought oh my god I now feel like a complete fucking stalker and I don't want to know that information so I would want those people to turn that off because I think that what you don't know can't hurt you and I was actually having a conversation with um with this uh the lady who does my spray tans who sometimes does he's sophie who we love uh with tint tan she comes to the house weekly should i admit that and she's got a daughter who's 20 and she uses snapchat and i haven't used snapchat in years but she i think all of that age group use it religiously and apparently there's something on there called snap map right all of her friends are on it that's one thing i also think that people can see people in your local area that aren't even your friends as well really so she's at an all-girls so it just shows all snapchat users in your area i think maybe like people that are connected via somebody else i'm not entirely sure i need to kind of deep dive into it but she um so sophie's daughter is at an all-girls school she's pretty innocent right their neighbor is a boy at an all boys school they're exactly the same age they'd actually the neighbor had moved in during lockdown um and happened to be their their travel agent who they had somewhat of a relationship with but the boy and the girl had actually never met before right at separate schools i think they'd heard each other kind of like in the garden over lockdown the boy had been playing football and i think the parents had suggested that maybe they do meet or something because they'd been quite lonely during lockdown as everybody was and and they weren't interested anyway it wasn't until they started getting hounded by friends who thought that the that they'd been dating because they'd been under the same location on snap map so lots of random people friends of theirs who knew both of them had seen that it looked like they'd been staying the night together every single night and they never even met so they actually had to iron it out and they decided to then go for a dog walk and talk about what had happened because it became this huge drama that people are oh my god i can't believe you're dating whale i can't remember what their names were um and she was like no i've got no idea who you're talking about so people are accusing her of being in a relationship and anyway and quite sweet actually in the end this couple they uh this pair they went on a dog walk and then they ended up going on another dog walk and they did actually enjoy each other's company so they then ended up dating and I think they've been together for three years which is gorgeous but it just goes to show how

24:45Louise: like invasive it is knowing where people are in your network all the time and I think that then it's also a cause for concern when people see that all of their friends are at a coffee shop hanging out and you've not been invited I'd hate that when I was younger yeah and I think to take it up to where we are now I would have no problem with sharing where I am with you I think there are elements that are useful from a safety perspective so if I'm coming back from a friend's house quite late and I'm getting an uber I'll always share my location with you for an hour or eight hours so that you'll always be able to track where I am I like I do like that do you like that I do that with quite a few people and I sometimes ask my brother to do it and the people that I'm close with because i like to know if i'm going to be with them that day or i think if you're like at a festival or there are there are uses for it that are practical but i'm not sure the live location share for the live location share but i don't know whether a full-time thing is is helpful some some friends of mine are on it with their husbands i'm remembering now i think peli and tk are on it i would i would imagine it let's say that let's fast forward to leo's 17 years old I'd probably think about having it on his phone so I could see where he was yeah and I think a lot of parents do that for sure no you say 17 you know how old children are when they're getting phones these days they're 13 because Leo ain't getting one at 13 yeah but if all of his friends are I suppose it depends where he goes to school imagine when Leo's 17 what an iPhone's going to look like then well also there'll be like two grand to buy so he'll have to wait a few birthdays before he can find himself one of those or you get like a little burner phone you can have a burner phone yeah well actually then you can't put the tracker on just put a little tracker on maybe stick an air tag maybe kids will end up becoming maybe we'll all end up like dogs getting chips put underneath our skin wouldn't that be creepy like i had the the weird contraceptive progesterone rod in my arm they like implanted it in my arm how does that even work i need to chat gbt how does the rod actually work because that does it release some sort of chemical or like shoot some hormones out or what i don't know how it knows to to do it regularly i feel like it's just a tiny little plastic rod how does that release consistent hormones or hormone the fact that women have to have well not have to but i mean having something but would you rather have that or have to have a coil which is a bit of metal put inside your vagina.

27:21See, I don't know.

27:22Louise: That sits, what, blocking your cervix. God, it's rough, man. I know. Maybe we should just... Use the Femidom. What's the Femidom again? A Femidom is... Do you know what that is? That's where you have to put a cup inside your vag. Well, I... Yeah. That's equally as invasive. Does it... Why don't you just strap up and start feeling a little less? Connie's are the way forward. I don't know if anyone uses Femidoms. Does anyone use a Femidom? Have you ever dated a girl or slept with someone that's gone, oh no, don't worry, I'm safe because I've got a Femidom in? It's such a gross word. Femidom is like vagisil.

27:58It's like the thing that you see in boots and you're like, surely no one's using that shit.

28:01Louise: You're saying it like Megalodon, that like giant shark that lives in the ocean. You're like Femidom. It's just rolling off your tongue way too comfortably. You know what I keep getting emails from, from Harry, is from this company called Anusol. Oh my God. What's that? isn't that like anus cream must be it must be why is harry sending you that i mean i know i've had a lot of anal problems but i don't think i need to start using anisole but no femidoms i've never tried one i'm not that comfortable with putting things inside my vagina wait what were we talking about just before so the so why don't we download it now and then we can try find each other for a bit no where would it be a problem for us if you said i'm going out to meet the only place you really go is to go out and meet your friend i say friends like you call my friend friends but then friend and if i saw that you were somewhere in central london i might just get a bit jealous that i'm not in that fun restaurant with you did you ever have a nanny growing up no never no i had a nanny called Nikki when I was growing up who used to make me and my friends sit in the garden and make mud pies quite cute putting lots of mud into a little pot what I only realized quite recently or remembered was that she then used to make us eat them and so we were often eating ants isn't that disgusting and she used to make us eat worms and it dawned on me that that was definitely not normal and I was having this conversation with my mum actually when we were away because we had a bit of quality time and and i mentioned it to her and she was like oh my god i had a bad feeling about her when she used to work with us and apparently quite a few anyway well she kept her anyway up until a certain point then replaced her but she had quite a few friends parents complain about her because apparently she was really mean isn't that quite scary yes and you say eat a mud pie you mean like just like oh just pretend to eat no no no like actually eat it like swallowing the mud what yeah well how old were you between probably maybe like five right so you were old enough to be like no yeah but i didn't feel as though we could say no i wonder if sam remembers it was mainly when i I remember being with my friend Vol.

30:27Louise: Her nickname was Vol. She was cute. That's a pretty savage story. Isn't it? And then it made me think, gosh, if we ever got a nanny for Leo, we'd have to be really hot on the vetting process. Well, we just wouldn't get one. We did have a nanny though, for a little bit. And I wanted to get your opinion on a nanny and having a nanny and how that was for you, having someone around the house. She was Italian and didn't speak an awful lot of English. and she used to sing these hilarious songs. I hated having her in the house. Would you ever get another one then if we were to have another baby? No, no, I wouldn't.

31:06The only reason we had a nanny is because of our circumstance. If everything went to plan and it was all fine and we were home within three days and you recovered like that. My personal belief is that, I don't know, maybe it's a bit like having a personal trainer. Maybe you want to go on like a guide me for six, 12 weeks, show me how to do it, and then I got it. But people who have nannies from like naught to eight, I'm like, but you've just handed over responsibility. You've just delegated to someone else, and now your kids are eating worms and mud pies.

31:39Louise: Or they prefer the nanny. Yeah. And they look up to the nanny versus you. I don't love the idea of nannies, unless the circumstances are kind of like, what do they call it, extensuating circumstances. maybe maybe you'd be fine with a maternity nurse who does do that onboarding thing at the beginning yeah but listen this is this is like every circumstance is very different but like in generally the idea of a nanny is not something that i would choose to do what about a manny um what's the same answer isn't it well actually maybe it's not maybe it's not nanny to a really high net worth couple he had a great life we but i never thought that he'd be a manny but like to give you to give you an example we've we've we've tried and tested the idea of like going on holiday with a nanny i personally didn't enjoy at all she was just like a another thing that we had to be semi-responsible for when she would like hammer the like fresh fruit platters in the fridge at the hotel i'd be like what are you doing that's clearly for leo slash what are you doing stuff like that would drive me nuts and then like on the airplane you know there's this like awkward territory about you on or off the clock right now because you can see me struggling on this long flight to the caribbean and you're just horizontal with an eye mask and ear plugs in yeah and actually they're getting paid to then travel with you yeah Yeah, but I think that that's an us problem because we're quite bad.

33:08Louise: Well, you're better than I am, but with boundaries. So we would need to be more grown up about that if we were to ever hire anybody again. The only thing I think, I don't think we need it now because Leo's at nursery and then he'll be studying school next September. Absolutely, we don't need a nanny. And we love hanging out with him on the weekends. I have friends though who can't tolerate parenting on the weekend because they've got, well, this is actually the guy. Well, that just makes me angry. that i was at uni with he said to his partner that he wanted to get a nanny for the weekends they had one midweek but then he wanted to extend it onto the weekend and then went on to have a second child and i'm like look clearly you don't love parenting so don't go and have more kids yeah so i just think that's bullshit though like we always joke about like god like we need a weekend after the weekend almost because weekends have become so activity focused and you're bouncing around from different things and it's very much kid focus but that's fine like yeah it is what it like they i'm just so aware that there will come a time in our life where we'll be like shit what do we do we'll miss the time of going from swimming to jiu-jitsu to tennis to whatever else he's doing yeah i think it's nice to be there for everything as much as we can and that's that's just our style of parenting leo is about to be four in a few months and i just don't want to miss any more moments and i just think having a a nanny or a manny or a maternity carer or whatever unless unless the circumstance is different and you need the support which lots of people do my belief is that it's on you so here i've got a question then because a lot of people that i know are really good parents and they do have nannies for the reason that when your child then goes to school they finish at 3 p.m in the afternoon and if both parents are working in offices away from home and have a normal working day which might be eight hours nine hours then how do they actually get back in time to pick up their child from school right so that's why i said like depending on your circumstance what do you think we will do when we get to that point well um good question um i don't know i suppose my hope is that louisa no my hope is that when he finishes school at what time is it 3 30 yeah 3 3 30 i think there are clubs they can do but i'll be there to scoop him up and be like dude we're going to jiu-jitsu roll him into that for an hour and for the most part like i can move i can work on the bounce wherever i am so so you'd rather do that well i just want to be involved i want to be involved in like the journey from school to his club or from his from you know picking him up and going to a play date with i want to be involved in those moments as much as possible well those are the moments where the little magic things happen and you have those funny conversations the in-between moments getting around for me to be which a lot of people then those logistical moments are the ones that they people pass off onto somebody else to take care of but I think I'm in agreement and I think if we could find a way to make it work with both of us then we'd just get to spend more time with him in the afternoon we'd alternate I had a nightmare the other night you did?

36:09when I got turfed out of the bedroom and ended up in the spare room

36:12Louise: you ended up in the spare room oh you were in the spare room I was in the spare room yeah sorry I've been sleeping in his bed I had a nightmare you and leo got shot and i basically didn't sleep from about two onwards and it was just like obviously a very traumatic nightmare and um i don't know it's just since then it's like shit like anything could happen at any point to anyone and i just think being as present as possible with your loved ones is really the most important thing yeah so i guess that's kind of a deep way of answering the question but just i don't like the idea of just palming it off and to give you like a really clear illustration of this recent holiday to the pelagoni club amazing you booked ahead of time a week of crash care we didn't use it once because we didn't want to miss the moments of him swimming and getting better in the pool more confident jumping into the sea whatever it is like he didn't go once and i i said to you at the time i was like dude cancel that like we don't need to put him into a crush we want to be with him do you understand my reasoning for booking the crush though no well i'll explain it to you it was so that because he's an only child that he could get the opportunity to play with other kids that are between the ages of three and five in that little mini group so that he can play with fun teenagers that are heading up those play groups and learn from from other kids but i guess he gets enough of that anyway when he's at nursery but it wasn't it didn't come from a place where i was trying to um you know not not hang out with him no i know that i did want to ask you and i don't know whether this would be a hard thing for you to answer well i'm i guess i'm coming at this from a caring place

38:07Louise: i wanted to see how you were doing since the birth of your godson Charlie? And I guess that sounds like an odd question to ask. The reason I think I'm asking, I want to know how you're doing

38:26because our really good friends

38:28Louise: have had like a really seamless transition into parenthood and it couldn't have been more different to our transition into parenthood. And I want to know how that's, whether that is affecting you and whether you're okay saying that um well let me first say they are incredibly special people and i'm really close to them so i'm happy that it's turned out the way it's happened and to see them arrive home as a three i think maybe three days after having the baby or even less two days two three days i think that's incredible and that's the way it should be and I hope that's the way it is for many people.

39:07But I do remember receiving a picture message on WhatsApp moments after Charlie sort of arrived into the world and he was straight onto mummy's chest and they were looking into camera smiling, not really looking too disheveled or stressed, just quite peaceful. And that photo set me off. I haven't told him this. I haven't really told many people this, but it did send me into a slight regression i suppose i didn't feel angry i didn't feel resentful i just felt something was really stirred up in me and i think it was i i think my feeling was i wish that that was the version i had or we had i wish that we had the straight onto mommy's skin moment i wish we had that kind of like in your scrubs outfit with your silly hats and your photos you know instead we had separation of mum and baby he's in a glass box in miku and um you know the first picture we had was i think maybe three two maybe two days where i wheeled you in a wheelchair looking all swollen and um tubes everywhere and i had really shitty like scraggy blonde bleached hair at the time but there's a photo of you holding him and it's yeah it's just it was just so different to how like anyone would hope and so basically when I saw the photo of them as a three with their blue scrubs on looking peaceful and happy my mind went back to all of these flashing movements of the version that we had and it was very I had a very sad day as a result internally didn't let that really show to anyone I think I told you maybe the evening of that

40:55Louise: you did look that you not look sad but you i felt that for you in in a normal circumstance i would have clicked forward straight away but i didn't forward it to you because i i felt somehow that i should shield it i didn't want you to go through that same experience of like obviously first and foremost really pleased and happy but oh fuck's sake like such a kill shot that we didn't have that version that's really thoughtful of you i wonder how many people other people have felt uncomfortable about sending a newborn photo to us well yeah or even a pregnancy announcement but interestingly when i met charlie for the first time and went over to see him i hadn't i had no none of these feelings it's almost like it just evaporated from my body entirely and i just had a long cuddle with him and almost not not viewed him as my own but like just i felt very uh connected to him because of my relationship with his carlos and sophie and the fact that i've been given this role which by the way i take really i know that we joke about like godparents and whatever else but yeah i joke about presents and that you're not very good at buying them no but yeah but i'm like that with my own family and i probably i owe you probably like five birthdays worth but i just think the role and like the significance of being asked to be a godparent is really special absolutely and you're gonna be you are an amazing godparent already to that little boy i'm good at the gifts no but i will make up for that in my way i really will i'll make sure i will i know but you yeah you put in the time in fact this weekend i'll have two godsons with us will you are they both gonna come yeah oh my god it's gonna be ryan with his three boys oh yeah my three boys well let me just live in that and just experience that yeah and then you'd be like do you want more yeah i'm gonna no yeah no maybe i do well i think whatever happens in our own family whether we're able to grow it or not and whatever our fertility journey looks like in the future i know that you're going to be an amazing godfather thank you and it's really lovely to see how many children do you have i've only got one yes one girl you've got two boys i've got one girl there's your girl vera yeah i love her

43:32Louise: um i've got a list of submission okay okay hey guys given your recent travels i was wondering if you had any tips or insights for your first holiday without your child i'm gearing up for a few nights away for my friend's 40th birthday in Italy on one hand I know I love the much needed downtime from our hectic schedules and the daily demands of a toddler on the other hand I know I'll likely be crippled with anxiety the closer it gets to the trip as I'm not great with flying and will no doubt dwell on the worst case scenarios no well this this is you I know my son will be in safe hands I'm really struggling to let go thought I'd reach out as I think you could have some really useful advice on this well I'll just sit back and wait for you to roll on that god you know it's there's such rare pockets of time i think you really need to enjoy this weekend um i get it on the anxiety front i'm pretty petrified of flying as well and we'll test to actually charlie who work on this podcast with taught me an amazing trick that if you are scared of turbulence all you've got to do is shake your head like this like you're just move it around more than the turbulence is shaking you and then you won't actually feel it inevitably you will feel a bit nervous that this is the first time you're leaving your child behind and you're going overseas but remember it's just really important for kids to spend time with different people so whoever the whoever you're leaving your son with whether it's your partner or someone else other family members that it's good for them to to be away from you for a bit and try to enjoy it I think it's the same as you know when you go away without your other half distance makes the heart grow stronger and it's nice to come back and then be reunited and have stories from your trip that you can share with one another and you'll you'll notice different things in your child and they it's crazy how much they can change even over a couple of days you know Leo seems to be growing like a centimeter a day at the moment he's just shooting up and you know spilling out these new sentences every morning that i wake up next to him and i think oh gosh you know i don't want to miss those moments but you have to i would say i would say that this this question is something that near enough every parent will relate to and within that you know there's a sort of security and safety and reassurance because it's very normal to feel that way and parenting guilt when you when you leave your little ones behind when you go away on holiday or for a work trip i've i've certainly felt it and it's a tricky one i think there's no the more you do it the more comfortable your kids and the more comfortable they are with it they sort of realize that oh mommy or or daddy that they are going to come back they're just going to go and do their thing for a little while and as you really um quite rightly suggested like the more time they spend in different company that also will help their development and confidence and build their relationships and there's no better feeling in the world than when you do come back and you're reunited with them so it's almost worth going just for that moment well that's so that's fun yeah that and that's the exciting part of it isn't it because like every parent will feel pretty crap when they like get on the plane they're like oh leo's not here but when you you know even before you arrive home the days out you you get so excited to see them again and you hold a little bit tighter you kiss a little bit more on the cheeks and you you just you end up having this refreshed energy and love even if it's like a day or two that you step out for yeah you need to break up the routine i think how stagnant things get otherwise you start to really just not value each other's company when you're running the same drill over and over again on that hamster wheel if you don't break away then you're not going to know what you're missing we missed leo dearly when we were in croatia and he was in devon but we knew that he was having a great time and when he came home it was just it was almost like having a newborn again it's like this is so dope so the the one thing i would say if you can do this especially if you're only going away for a weekend i'd probably not speak to them i'd probably avoid a facetime because they're going to get upset like there's no world in which they're not going to cry and that's going to make you feel 10 times worse so we learned that this time around when we went to croatia we've only been away from you twice when we did it the first time for your birthday so round about this time last year we went to ibiza with sam we facetimed day one and he was in floods of tears and it was pretty devastating yeah and so then we couldn't get off the phone it was harder for your parents that were looking after him yeah and and it like puts a bit of a dampener on those next few hours so i just like go enjoy your girly time and and everything will be exactly the same if not better when you get home yeah nice always nice chatting to you we'll do this again next monday for the aua yeah we should be a short little nose into our rascal lives and then we'll be back on wednesday for a full debrief yeah we got a lot of exciting and stuff happening this back end of this week and weekend with celebrations and i know there's so many birthdays all of our friends are leo's we love august birthdays we've got leo we've got the best we've got sam we've got ryan we've got louisa we've got max we got my sister-in-law it's a fire sign as well isn't it jp loads of people we know go on say go on say it say your ex oh my ex yes my ex get the weekly mention in there one of the big ones the big names a few of them are very compatible aries and leos we've we spoke about that in a an early episode anyway thank you guys so much for listening and we'll see you guys soon please do remember to follow us um on whichever audio platform you listen on and give us a subscriber on youtube too ciao

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