What was Made in Chelsea ACTUALLY like?!

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1:20Howdy, partner. howdy you look great in those glasses do i thank you i've real urge to sing guess who's back back back again is that eminem you love eminem i just i can't i'm not sure if i'm an eminem fan he's my whole pass yes he is yeah can't it be someone like jake gillingall who i actually think is fit eminem is not fit you're not opposed to talking about how fit other guys are i kind of respect it yeah well i'm very comfortable with my sexuality but like even if we drive past like a group of it's not just girls like you might drive past a bloke and be like wow he's really hench or like wow he's really hot are you bi no i just like to dish out compliments nice regardless of gender that's cool age i'm here for it i'd be all right if you were uh your legs are slightly hairy can you not start tickling them with your sock well i thought i was being cute i was like hang on a prickly little cactus down there i don't know i really threw this outfit on in a rush this morning oh yeah the glasses are great thank you look really nice it's nice to be able to see properly i've got 2020 vision now crystal clear how game-changing is that it is like the world is hd hd 3d 4d even just like those flowers feel really so you won't really alive you probably won't have the migraines or well i'll have no excuse if I'm squinting or if I've got a resting bitch face with the glasses on then we know it's another problem.

2:55But yeah, I'm into it. I actually did a job with Vision Express and I got a couple of pairs of frames out of it. Cheeky purse soles. You're lucky. You've got a nice... Yeah, mew mews. A mew mew. You've got a lovely shaped head for it. Thank you. For glasses, I mean. These ones are super cool because when I go outside they automatically go dark. The lenses, they're called transition lenses I used to think that was lame but it's actually dope but I don't know do I am I like a grandpa now no because it's like suddenly I've got these brown tinted lenses or am I just like a super celebrity with tinted I'll be honest you look like you're fresh out of Monaco or something oh no but I remember these transition lenses before and I used to think that they were a bit like dirty a bit creepy now I'm like I'm in I've had laser surgery so I don't really qualify but um I'll just wear Sam's Donnelly's his tinted face get me some blue light glasses actually on the note of glasses your mate Jack got in touch with me about that lady's glasses who I stole from Forrest that I mentioned on a few episodes oh no what did he say he was like oh by the way like yeah where are they and I was like oh sorry I told Ryan to let you know that they were on the table has he not been in touch was he not in touch sooner no anyway as you can imagine my anxiety has been quite high about that for about a week anyway they've been located either that or he's just putting the ad for my misery but i obviously would be happy to pay for them god how are you is that a new t-shirt dad's club yeah it's quite sweet isn't it it's very sweet i just got i just got back from being with your brother up north and this this was waiting for me should we talk about sam we could talk about Sam?

4:39Let's talk about Sam. I've just, I've just been with him as he's traveling north up country with the soccer aid. Matchball mission it's called. Yeah. We spoke about it before when, before I was going up there. Yeah. And now I've just literally got back about an hour ago. And how's it been? I've been crying all week. I know. It's really incredible it's really incredible the whole thing um the logistics to it and just the amount of people that are involved is it's mind-blowing well it's it's probably one of the biggest charities in the world isn't it probably is united nations yeah something for children's funds i thought i was riding a bike next to david beckham at one point i was like this is mad like there's backup of traffic on the main roads no one cares they're like yeah go sam i'm like he's He even got his little face on a car.

5:34This is two cars. It's wild. And you've got not just that. You've got like motorbikes out front that are leading the way. It's like he's the king. You've got vans. Driving in his rolls. Mate, you've literally got vans that zoom ahead, block the traffic on a roundabout so that we can crawl around on our bicycles. I'm like, bro, this is insane. I've had so many messages from people saying, why do all of the men in your life like to do funny challenges? Just why do they all like to run and do horrible things? Oh, is this you taking it back to Exodus again? Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I actually was only thinking about you and my brother.

6:13You with your desert stuff and then Sam. But yeah, actually, there is something to be said for that. There's definitely a group of you ex-reality lads. Me and Sam spoke about this last night until late. Because he's in a bit of a tussle with himself. because he's because he's torn his calf on day one yeah he's really taken it um badly to be honest he thinks he's now failing in this whole challenge he thinks that if he cycles or walks um it's not going to carry the same impact and he's not going to raise the money um and we had conversations for hours do you know what my retort to that is that people people are so invested in the emotion behind these challenges and the little bits of storytelling along the way it's less about the actual practicalities of it of so i you know i've loosely followed other people's challenges or even obviously i kind of closely followed yours i couldn't tell you i i just mean that the day three was the hard day you know like there was a hard day and there was some marathons going on around day four but day three yeah over was it day four yeah day four day four was a double stage but go on yeah see that's the thing people are just like the layman's out here aren't that interested in the details the spec they don't need to know whether it's five marathons or whether it's five bicycle rides it's just you're getting from a to b and and it's hot well i think that's the key point yeah yeah and it's the struggles that you go along you know that you kind of go through to get there that is what resonates with people at home and And also I think that people like to connect to the realness of it.

8:02The realness of it, like the authenticity, like seeing someone have like struggle because not many people can do that. But also I find it quite motivating. It makes me want to go out and do a bit of exercise, maybe try running. Also, it feels really nice to get behind somebody. And it's amazing. actually we had this conversation a couple of days ago one of the other times that i cried i said i feel like it's amazing that most of the people that are contributing to these hundreds of thousands of pounds that are being donated to this incredible charity probably don't have a lot of money no it was true and that like really really like warms me in a way that very few other things do yeah it's it is incredible i was only there for a short period of time with your bro but the stuff i saw was just so moving there was people that were people so we arrived into aston villa football stadium and um i overheard some of the conversations i wanted to leave sam to it because he was interacting really sweetly with all the people waiting for him and they were they were telling sam how they tried their best to keep up with like finding him on the route um from mk dons to aston villa they couldn't find him on the road so they decided to go to the destination which was Aston Villa for that day they stayed there from 2 p.m until 8 8 8 p.m just waiting sat waiting at the finish line and it was a dad and a daughter and it was just unbelievable and Sam Sam really made the daughter feel like seen and and really special and I think he's sending her some Denelis because she was wearing some and I was like this is like it's those moments I was like wow like Like this is, yeah, he really has like captured the nation even before this challenge.

9:46Like he's got so much support. Well, I think that's one of the reasons why I know that for him, he's worried and he's having doubts over whether he's the right person for the job. And he made a comment to me when I managed to FaceTime you guys saying, you know, it should be someone like Ryan doing this. It should be an athlete. I'm not, I'm in the dad's club. But I think the whole point is, is that he is really well positioned to do this because he's, he's somebody that is capable of raising the funds. And that's actually what's important. Oh, absolutely. In this instance. Absolutely true. I did try to suggest, you know, like, try and remove this in your mind, you've got this expectation of yourself to front up and complete this really big physical test.

10:31but actually that's not the primary reason for you being here you've been selected you've been handpicked by a massive global organization because you have such a profile such an influence on people and you don't need to do anything and i was trying to quote like different movies to like get the analogies across to him but he doesn't need to do anything he just needs to show up and be himself job's done and like 200 grand in two days is insane i've got goosebumps just thinking about it but i would i'd probably raise like 10 quid in two days well people struggle to raise thousands for the marathon and it's insane it's not easy it's really actually not easy to fundraise it's it's insane i mean i know you are proud of him but wow kudos anyway i want to get on to some things i observed that are quite similar between you and sam and i guess i'll just far and straight out yeah you you both suffer well suffer's the wrong word you both have this like sense of imposter syndrome when you're doing like really great things you both obviously have done some great things um and i've seen you in those arenas and spaces whether it's like jp morgan presentations or things on like bloomberg or whatever you were on some like pretty cool stuff right And I watch it, I'm like, bloody hell, she's killing it.

11:55She nails it every time. But you, I know you think like, oh my God, why have they selected me? Why am I here? I can't do this. Like, I shouldn't be in the room. Sam was exactly the same. Even though he was doing the task and everyone around him was so thrilled. Like, when I say he needed constant backup and reassurance, and I don't mean that to be rude, but I'm like, he can't process it. he can't accept that he has been chosen and he is the man for the job in the same way that you can't always get to that place of like owning it almost yeah yeah yeah yeah talk us through that is that like a family trait or it's interesting because there are i've i've him doing this challenge has really opened up a lot of shared personality traits between us and i think for that reason i I feel his pain going through this so intensely.

12:47And I really feel it viscerally. And it's making me really upset. And I can almost feel him just through the air, like what he's going through. And I think the point about imposter syndrome is something I've not actually chosen to look into too much. So I don't know an awful lot about where it comes from. I know that I have it because when I have done things like, you know, talks at JP Morgan or other big companies in the UK, I do get very nervous. And when I'm there, I do feel like I'm out of place and I feel as though I'm sat alongside experts. I think that's normal, though. But I think I think a lot of people feel like that.

13:32I have good I have friends who have really senior roles in incredible, like well-paid, I don't know, big, big firms. and they will message me weekly saying oh I've got to do a presentation in front of x amount of people on my own like have you got any words of wisdom like what the hell am I doing like I don't know how to do this and so I don't I think it's something that more people than would admit struggle with a bit of a turning point in getting over that was when I did a whole bunch of press when my book came out so I was doing a lot of podcast interviews and I did do you know I worked with a lot of news outlets I because I knew what I was talking about because it was so close to me I then did become an expert and I was an expert in my own story and that then gave me the confidence to speak really fluidly and to enjoy what I was talking about and to enjoy those conversations rather than fear them and feel like I was doing something wrong or that I think a lot of it comes from the fear of being told off and getting things wrong so his thing is what you've recognized is that he needs constant reassurance to make him feel like he is doing okay well so this yeah so you know we know that because every time i see sam we live obviously next door to each other like i tend to bump into him the most when he's on phone calls with his earpods in doing loops around the block and he's constantly on the phone he can't ever not be on the phone and he's always trying to it's probably that boils down to that adhd like problem solving thing but i think one of the hardest things for him during this challenge will be that he can't have those reassuring conversations he's got five days where he's not on his phone he's not speaking to people over the phone he's not sending voice notes he's not you know on social media he's not working like he's not distracted he's surrounded by people he's surrounded by people but he can't but he's got to put all of his focus onto actually just getting his legs moving to keep going it's phenomenal like when he's doing this challenge and he's in pain like from my perspective watching it i'm like i'm i'm kind of now waiting for you to go into this place of like like zone and just go and just be in your own little space and figure out where you're going to end up right but he is like even in that moment he's just so consumed by like what he's there to do from their perspective you know what i mean he's like am i doing enough to fulfill my role am i making the team proud am I raising enough money and it's like busy traffic flooding him the whole time you can flick a switch in your head and you kind of just go into autopilot I think and you just turn off the emotion you turn off the connection with your body like you could almost just numb the pain and kind of work through it and zone out you're also a very patient person I think this is a long thing to be doing five days straight the same thing the monotony of it trying to stay focused throughout that is hard and also I mean and I'll speak about myself because I don't want to speak for Sam in this situation but I think that a lot of people in my family are we know that we're impatient and like quick fixes I if I had to and my you know a car was on top of my child I believe that I could exert like so much force and power that I could I could lift that car and I could do incredible things in a really short space of time.

16:57Whereas doing something that's really slow where you can't see the finish line does feel like torture. Do you know what's interesting about that analogy, by the way? When I train, because I'm now trying to get back into weight training since all the running bits and bobs, my motivation when I'm lifting weight is always what you just described. Really? I need to be strong enough to lift a car off Leo. That's actually what you meant. I have like really like disturbingly vivid, like car crash moments in my head. And I'm like, I need to be strong enough to lift this car off my son. Do you actually think about that?

17:33Yeah. And I'm like, Like a 20 kg. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird. It's like, oh my God. That's quite a good empowering visualization, I suppose. Yeah. But when you just said it then, I was like, oh my God. Yeah. That flashes in my head like daily at the moment. Really? But anyway, so yeah, there was loads of moments where I saw similarities between you and Sam. One last thing to mention is like, he would often turn around and be like, how far have we got to go? And someone like who's got the route on their watch or computer, they'd be like 10 K. And then like 10 minutes later, but how far? And there'll be like, eight K.

18:05He's like, you're lying. How has it taken this long to crawl? He just didn't believe anyone. He was like, to the point where it's like, I'm not even gonna ask anyone. You're making it up. He's like, you're literally making the distance up. And he was so impatient. Cause he was like, I just need to get to the line. This literally stems from my dad, who is the most impatient person ever, to the point where when you feel like going through an airport, like you won't even see him. He's like the roadrunner, like... He literally will wait for nobody. Mate, I FaceTimed your dad on the bike. I just remembered it was the funniest thing in the world.

18:38He's never even seen his phone come up with a FaceTime call before. So he like hits it, obviously, with his fat fingers. He's got such fat fingers. And the camera's like, he's like, run and i just turned the camera on to sam and he's like and then he like jump like juggles the camera and fucking turns the thing off and i'm like all right i'll call him back sam two seconds and yeah it was so sweet he couldn't believe it he was like oh my god there's my son on the bike another similarity is the fact that i'm i'm better at this now but that sam's basically not even really told our parents that he's doing this challenge no i had to tell him i had to tell your dad all the detail and fill him in i speak to your dad so often but isn't that weird like why do we just do things without telling the important people we like bore the other people so sam's probably been complaining about it non-stop to other people but then it is weird because i didn't even tell my parents that i was going up to surprise sam and arguably i should have because they they they obviously very invested in like all of our lives it's weird it's weird it's weird anyway where are we going next then when you were there you said that you saw some people who used to work on Maiden Chelsea which is kind of a funny full circle moment and actually when I sent him we sent him off at Stamford Bridge we saw them as well yeah I didn't really clock them at Stamford Bridge but when I was in this car park they basically pulled Sam over to the side of the road for a technical check when in reality they were they had to leap out the van and mic me up so I could spring the trap on him and this guy walked over and I was like Dom what the hell I haven't seen you in years.

20:09Like he was like, obviously one of the camera crew from Made in Chelsea. And then when I caught up with Sam and I was cycling on the road, I was like looking at this back of the van that we were following, which was opened up with the cameras. I was like, Ben B is literally there. I haven't seen him for like six years. And I'm like, am I just back on set with Made in Chelsea? Turns out that the director of the whole thing was Phil in the front seat. And there was another sound engineer there, not Matt, who used to go. Yeah, there was a guy who used to make this hand dryer a noise do it no it sounds like one of these like dyson hand he used to he used to rescue like so many sticky scenes for me on mason chelsea when he when he could see that i was not having a good day i just hear him in the back of the room like

20:56there's definitely not a hand dryer in this room that's matt it's such an intimate job because these are guys who are like probably they were much older than us at the time a lot of the sound guys that would have to put like microphones down our tops and like often we were wearing really weird clothes or really tight dresses and they'd have to be like um can you just put this down your dress and like clip it to your thong yeah i had like the tight like lycra cycling bib shorts and don was like right up in my like personal space and he was like i'm so sorry mate i was like don don't worry we've been doing this for years mate get in there it's quite funny Isn't it nice?

21:33I felt quite emotional even seeing them. It must be quite small. Because so much time has passed and they were like, you've got a kid now. I know. And I was like, yeah, he's three and a half. It must be a small industry. I think it is, you know. I think a lot of people, they move, a lot of people in the industry move around a lot and it can be quite incestuous as well. Like everyone knows everyone's business and people end up hooking up and getting married. Oh yeah, yes, they do, isn't they?

22:00That was quite fun though, yeah. I think Sam actually really liked that as well because obviously he was in a new environment in the sense that he was like not in his comfortable space but to see familiar faces right in front of him it's quite cool yeah but again it probably like amplified the imposter syndrome where he was then thinking oh my god like these are guys that have seen me at my absolute you know worst when he was walking through the door here with Fran going on a date with Fran Newman young he was like really half a foot taller than him and he there was something about oh my I swear he like came into the room, into this room before we did the renovation with like a frying pan.

22:35He was naked with a frying pan over his cock. Oh my God. Just so weird. And then he like made her a mixtape. And then - A mixtape? Yeah. Like a CD-ROM with a little, you know - That's so fun. Writing on the front, little note. And I remember it was so weird. They'd be like, yeah, just like, just like give it a beat and then go in. And I'd be like, what? So just like, yeah, go in and like see what they're up to while they're like sat on the sofa, like canoodling. This house is steeped in rich history, isn't it? This house is steeped. It's like a museum for Made in Chelsea. We can never sell this house.

23:09No one would want to buy this house. It'd be like, it's way too public. Oh, man. What was this room before? Well, when I first moved here, this was the living room, wasn't it? Because that was closed off. So this was... This actually was where we had the TV and the sofa was there. This is exactly the door that we then... The door maybe moved. We came in and then, yeah, there was a lot. There were a lot of really intense scenes on that sofa. Yeah. A lot of bad news, a lot of crying. Tiff used to live in this house when I was here, when I moved here. And she's just had her second baby. And I was speaking to Holly, who I work with about this yesterday.

23:42And she was like, oh my God, Tiff's had her second baby. And I was like, Tiff was hands down one of the nicest people I've ever come across in the industry. She was sweet. Loved her. And we all lived together. It was like a little frat house. And then you had some dude at the top of the house. Leo's bedroom. room i was like what so much has happened in the last 10 years there was even the top top room which is now the green room that was actually that was like the hostel room so i used to call it i didn't call it the hospital room no you called it the rail room the rail room not like rails of coke but like rails of clothes no but before it was the rail room it was it there were two single beds in there and it was basically i don't want to know no i didn't do anything weird in there but you probably did but strangers would stay the night like regularly it was we had a revolving front door and people would just come have a party random sleep upstairs like two single beds and then they would leave the next day or a few days after mate this is the same chat that alec gave me when we had that little tussle on camera because he started to describe the house to me and he'd be like telling me about the wardrobe in the bathroom and what do you mean do not remember with it i remember obviously because i was like shut the wardrobe yeah he he was like basically reminding me in front of you that he was not long in this house and he's like talking about his dressing gown in the wardrobe and all this shit and i was like are you are you know what you're doing skadoosh hang on hang on that was that scene yeah wait a second he's he mentioned the fact that he had his dressing gown in the wardrobes yeah yeah and that was the thing that really tipped you over the edge well he was just i guess that is a bit a bit creepy that we don't have to we don't have to yeah but we've changed the we've changed the the like bed about five times since then oh no yeah the whole house has changed yeah the whole house has changed speaking of houses

25:40you're actually supposed to be the smooth one out of us too so give me a smooth wink I don't know my eyes are twitching because they're tired yeah we had an offer accepted yesterday woohoo woohoo except that then the onward chain is a bit complicated yes because there's no sure bet yet watch this space but really exciting we actually weren't even with each other when we received that message so this is the first time we've properly seen each other and had a chance to to ruminate go there how are you feeling about it I had a a chat with my life coach about it on the monday is she pro or anti it's not her role to be pro or anti like as in she'd never plant seeds she wouldn't make that like massive decision for me i think that that's the thing about being a good life coach is it's just an open forum to draw out conversation or things that i need to get out of my head and to like work work through them not to be like yeah no you shouldn't be with him or yeah i do know some some of my friends have worked with people who have said they should leave their partner i think that was crossing the line but she thinks that obviously the reason behind all of this is a great idea um given that it's supposed to be like a space for healing and essentially we're buying a second home because it's the only way we can be bound to eat and step away from work right yeah um but then maybe the she's very into like intuition and leaning into what your body says about a decision so often if i'm like struggling with decision making which is kind of a regular occurrence um she'll say just sit there shut your eyes and like listen to your body we didn't actually get around to doing that because it's just the whole like leaning in the leaning forward or backwards if you stand up um and i think i think because i've got i've just have had a few reservations about the compromises with the other properties that I bought I've got a bit of a a playbook and I and I know that all of those decisions have been really sound investments and I think with this it feels very very different and I have spoken to quite a lot of people about it now I went to dinner with some girlfriends on Friday and I was arming and aaring and they were like yeah but is this an investment or is this what's the purpose here what do you mean by that because it's either a financial investment or an investment into your health so it's an investment into health and that's really where i need to that's what i need to accept that it doesn't matter if it's not a finance a particularly good financial investment because it's going to offer us up so much more in other areas where's the priority at this stage in our life is it about is it about enriching your portfolio or your life and happiness and health absolutely the life and health i think leo's at the age now where we can scoot around in the garden and you can have actual memories from those times spring summers Christmases it offers it offers a very different lifestyle to what we have here and to have the option of both is incredible yeah so you know I've never I've never really viewed this as a my brain is not particularly wired like yours in that way but I've never viewed this as a in a sort of financial investment.

29:06No, but it would be, but it's been hard because with the other flats that I've bought, I've actually done the majority of the, I've done a lot more of the steps on my own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas this time we've involved a lot of people. Yeah. Like you're involved for one. We've involved the accountant, a financial advisor, a buying agent and got a lot more people's opinions on it. And actually I found that quite distracting and it's it's been really helpful in many ways like we wouldn't have been able to actually see any anywhere really without the buying agent because we're just too busy but also it's been hard to kind of like take on board everybody's opinions especially when they've been quite different and then when I spoke to a good girlfriend on Friday night who was actually the one who introduced me to the buying agent she said she was like yeah but you realize like buying a house is stressful like it's not supposed to be that fun and I was like but we are this is this has to feel like fun like the whole thing has to feel really good because otherwise like you know it's this isn't our primary home we don't we're not desperately looking for somewhere to live right right now so i want this to feel really right but then my life coach said when i said i basically thought it was crazy that anyone would buy a house having viewed anything less than like 10 to 12 plus properties because and that's and that's also coming from my own experience like with other projects that i've been involved with i've been shown a whole bunch of things and like they have continued to get better every time i viewed something so there's an argument for like the estate agents i don't know i think you're often going to get showed the stock that won't shift so things that have just been left in the market for ages at the beginning and if you're gonna you know you've got to see what you can afford and you've got to make a comparison and so i do think that we were a bit mad putting an offer on something in march when we'd only seen four or five things we've seen more now yeah um my life coach on the flip side bought something that she'd it was the first thing that she'd seen yeah but i'm and it was it was like off plan and someone that she knew from work was actually going to be like one of the neighbors and he was like oh there's this great flat that's coming on um and she just walked in and had a good feeling and then bought it yeah but that's great that really resonates with me your superpower is your brain in the sense that you can like boil it down to turning it into something that's going to pay you back financially and whatever else like that's your superpower i do not have that in my in my locker but what i do have is an instinct an intuition like that which i think has led me really accurately and quite right around my time and my point being is that when we went to that house yeah i nearly said the name of it it it was just pinging off in my whole system and that is then what i then came back to in all of these conversations i've had with people was that ryan had ryan really loved it and you that's really important and actually quite hard to but it's easy it's easy for some people to like look at that judge it quite quickly and be like well that's just a very impulsive you haven't thought this through like you haven't considered the full picture and I remember having it in my younger years as well talk me through your decision making I guess I can I can visualize the feet I can feel how I'm going to feel living there and I can and when I say feel I can actually feel the emotions I can feel the grass under my feet I can hear the sounds the smells like I can I can almost experience something that's not happening now.

32:45But does that make sense? Yeah. I could feel it. And I can feel it so strongly. When I know, I know. I feel like when I met you. Oh. Maybe you didn't know because you said in a podcast episode when I wasn't here that you didn't love me at the beginning and you don't believe in love at first sight. And I had to watch that back in a clip. My brother said, always choose the cute ones. Which brother? I chose the cute one. That's nice. I could have ended up with some FHM babe. Well, I actually did FHM. Did you? You're right. So that's good. You ended up with both. Sweet and sexy. Didn't make it to the cover though, like all my fellow co-stars.

33:22Why? Is there a difference in prescription when you do that on your lens? Why? What did I do? What did I do? Oh, God, not more of the triple chins that this medication I'm going to blame on the medications. For him? For him? For him magazine? Is that what FHM was? Oh, is that what it stood for? It's not a thing anymore. No, I know. World 2 PC now.

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36:08Got to see your listener submission. Hi both. I love the show and you too. I'd really value your advice on my marriage. My husband and I have been together for four years. We have a one-year-old via IVF and have been married for six months. Since having the baby, we've argued almost daily over both small and serious issues. He likely has ADHD and is often antagonistic, especially during this financially tough year while I've been on maternity leave. Now that I'm back at work and life is stabilizing, we're thinking about doing IVF again and possibly moving, but I'm frustrated. He seems emotionally immature and resistant to responsibility.

36:39He spends freely but insists we can't afford to move even though we can. He's a great dad but not a great husband. He's critical, makes hurtful comments and often blames me for our fights, even accusing me of being the reason our son might remember conflict. I try to stay calm but it's hard. I'm torn, I feel like leaving but I don't want a broken family. I feel gaslit and I feel like I'm not enough. How can I navigate this phase of life, possibly doing IVF again and moving while protecting my son and figuring out what's best for us? That's a lot. Yeah. There's a lot going on there. So there's a move, a potential move.

37:11There's some financial issues. She's not sure whether he has ADHD, which is tricky because unless someone has a formal diagnosis, you can't really just label someone with that and make excuses for them. So maybe you need to encourage him to, you know speak to someone you know maybe speak to a kind of a therapist or a doctor who can help you guys navigate that one together um and they're considering also growing their family although they've only got a one-year-old and they've been arguing daily my initial feedback would be and look like we're not therapists so this is just what's popping up in my head i'd say focus on one thing at a time it would be a lot to go through ivf also to move house to also be argued i know that we're i see ryan's giving me a very funny face right now because we are trying to juggle a lot with a new house move and potentially growing our family and having some financial issues and work you know things going on and there's some potential neurodiversions outside as well which is probably exactly why we've drawn in this question but it no but it has taken us nearly four years to get to a place where we're even comfortable within ourselves but also where we're at in our relationship to talk about growing our family so i know that throwing a baby into the mix is not the answer for curing relationship problems if anything it makes it more complicated there's more responsibility and it's likely to cause more arguments so i would i would definitely put that idea on ice agreed yeah you agree with that 100 % and also if the finances thing is an issue and he's spending freely you know it's a huge financial burden I think it's sort of minimum 8 ,000 pounds isn't it to do a round of IVF as they know how many pounds did you say?

38:595 ,000 sorry 8 ,000 did I say 5? no I don't know I missed no it's around 8 ,000, 10 ,000 oh that's a lot of money and that's with one round and one life is stressful enough for most people and you know if you've had a pretty difficult or not the ordinary route to having kids in the first instance you know IVF is expensive it's there's no guarantees with it it's pretty brutal on the woman I just yeah my point is I just don't know why you would within the first year already think about restarting the clock on that again adding more pressure to the to the situation more stress you mentioned that there was some financial tension with being on maternity leave and he's spending freely it just sounds like there's so much that they need to get sort of packaged up a lot more neat and a lot more cohesive and collaborative between the two of them it sounds just a little bit messy and a baby is not going to fix that which is what you started by saying so and also it's she says he seems emotionally immature and resistant to responsibility then i think he's gonna freak out even more when he has another child to be responsible for and also then if you're planning like a back-to-back maternity leave that's going to put you in more financial instability if he's a dad of one already and potentially are going to be a dad a second time over you just don't really have time to mess around with stuff like that you can't be irresponsible you can't be emotionally immature there comes a time in that first year i think where men notice like a huge amount of change to their life and how they used to go about their day to day and i just think there comes a point in in a man's world where you have to man up basically you can't piss around when you've got little ones involved you can't piss around with being financially frugal is that the right word no frugal's being saving financially silly yeah and uh emotionally immature and uh irresponsible because it's just not gonna fucking wash with the wife or the lady or whoever your little ones are going to be around and at some point they'll they'll be a witness to all of this so what do you say suggest that she leaves because she's considering leaving but then she doesn't want my suggestion my advice would be to fucking pull the handbrake on ivf number two and have a real conversation about like is this is this is this right this whole dynamic between you and i because at the moment we're struggling on on every level to make it work now financially chemistry between us you're a pretty good dad but like there's it's not meant to feel or look like this so we have some work to do there's a lot of work to do so do the goddamn work do the work have the conversation the one thing if i could try and make you feel a little bit better about your situation is that um you've said even accusing me of being the reason our son might remember conflict i think that when parents get in into arguments in the heat of the moment they can say stupid things and i'm sure pretty much every couple that i know has probably said that to their other half at one point or other saying look we shouldn't argue in front of our kid like you're the reason that they're going to grow up with issues or this is damaging and you know that's such a sort of cutting sort of going for the jugular but it's something that people definitely do so i think life is stressful i think having kids is stressful i think you shouldn't rush it and i think that you should have everything a little bit more stabilized and secure before what you think about adding more to that place.

42:24Okay, yeah, so. That's where I'm at. Sorry, I've got one more actually point to make on all of this. She says she's considering leaving him. They've only got a one-year-old. And people often say, don't make any really major decisions until the two-year postpartum mark. Okay. Let the dust settle. Let the dust settle. Like, we were pretty close to leaving each other during that first year or even two. and I think that you need to echoing what you've said you just need to let the dust settle well thanks for that one Louise thanks for the messages from the lovely audience cool well thank you and guys don't forget that we've got two episodes coming out each week now Mondays is the Ask Me Anything episode Wednesdays is the full length feature where we go into all these highlights and lowlights everything in between listeners submissions so please turn on your notifications subscribe and sign up to it all because this is all good stuff.

43:24See you next week. Love the confidence.

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