Why We Clash (and Still Make It Work)

0:01Ryan, we're off to Antigua tomorrow. Woohoo! I can't wait.

0:05Louise: Are you excited? Yes. I feel like it's been nine months since we've been on a plane. So yeah, this feels quite special. It's been a while. We have been to Antigua once before. Yeah. We had to cut the trip short. I had to fly back early because I, surprise, had an emergency surgery. So it slightly feels like we're rewriting history with this one. Creating positive memories. We're going away with my dad and his girlfriend. yeah it's five of us um yeah i feel like we really need it yeah i do as well i feel like it's been quite heavy not in a bad way but it's been quite a heavy start to the year i started it with no management now i've got new management you started off with this massive ambition at taking on government and getting the whole maternity thing moving which you've now done and doing really well yeah we've got a new family here staying relevant yeah we do clothing launch just sold out yeah um there's there's been quite a few other things as well that i can't think of right now but it's been good but somewhat heavy and i feel like we would really benefit from taking a short pause and i hope actually that we really can take a pause because i was just speaking to the girls next door annalise and uh hannah about how i really hope you can sorry did you say anna annalise oh wait i thought you said annalise and anna and i was like who the fuck is anna And Hannah, and Hannah.

1:27Louise: Oh, Hannah, Hannah. Sorry. And I was basically, in my mind, this is going in a really amazing way this holiday. Yeah, okay. And I just hope that, I don't know. I don't know if it's just adult life or parent life. Things never quite go as I hope they will. It's like, oh, well, it's a slightly different version, but we'll roll with that. I really hope that this Antigua version just like nourishes all of us in the best way possible. I want like heaps of sun laughter no like no like you and your dad going at it about trading stocks or something I'm not fucking talking about money with my dad not in public places it's so embarrassing especially when he tries to like educate Maxine his girlfriend on it I'm like absolutely not but even just like the kerfuffle was like which car should we take should we meet you there what time do you want to set off half nine or and I'm like oh I'll get you I'll get you there I'll see you there can I just say the mental preparation that I have had to do ahead of this trip is actually not something I should even admit.

2:27Well, you just did, so tell us about it.

2:29Louise: I'm already imagining having to put a force field around my whole head. It was actually Zara that taught me this one. You know, like spacesuits, they have those big glass balls. Buzz Lightyear? Yeah, yeah, Buzz Lightyear. Basically, if you sort of visualize that you plonk one of those on your head, it reflects any bullshit around you. so you just cut the world out. Hopefully there's no bullshit around us on a family holiday. Dude, if this weekend that has just gone is anything to go by, like we hardly survived that. What was this weekend? Just this weekend. Me, you, Leo, two parents, one child.

3:07Louise: We could hardly get through it. The monster beat us. I'm not even kidding. I'm not exaggerating. No, no, no. At like five o 'clock yesterday, we had to start pulling the what percentage are you on? You were on 10. I was on 10 % after 48 hours of parenting. No, that's fair. You had a mega week, which we should get into in this conversation. But he was being, was he being a little shit? It just. No, he's not. He's not being a shit. Why was it so exhausting? We had a mega week and I mean, I was feeling a little bit kooky anyway. Just. Just like didn't leave the house for the whole weekend. Yeah. And I started to come back up out of it Sunday afternoon and you started to go down.

3:47But that's all right, because we sort of like, I took him out with the dogs for an hour or something.

3:51Louise: Yeah, I think like as long as you basically, it's a roller coaster, and as long as one of you's at the top when the other person is down, you're like screaming, yeah, I'm having the best time ever. And I'm like, I feel like I'm about to die. I feel like we need some listeners or people, other people just to be like, dude, it's all right to feel tired on a weekend. It sounds pathetic though. Like for people that don't have kids that don't understand, they might be thinking like, what is your problem? Who? Just like, why are you complaining about that? one child no we're not complaining we're just just letting people know that it's pretty tiring sometimes so i think also because of everything that happened when i was there last time i've clearly my body is like holding on to some stored trauma really because the last couple of nights i've had nightmares what about the trip or just being there yeah and actually last night i woke up and i was awake for an hour in the middle of the night freaking out that i was pregnant which just so weird well hang on you just you've just jumped from butt problems to v problems what do you mean pregnancy problems well if by v you mean vagina that's not where you carry a pregnancy right do you know can i can i just give you a quick anatomy lesson yeah do you know the vagina actually do i even know this is vagina the same as vulva is that the inside or the outside but i I think the vagina is like where the willy goes in.

5:14Louise: Then it hits the cervix. And then beyond that, which you definitely couldn't fit into, is the uterus. Vulvas outside. The vulvas outside. Lovely. I love that. Pip has just clearly Googled it. She's like, you're right, Ryan. External genitalia. So what can I do to help with this? because what I don't want to do is go into this holiday with anything but like positivity and like relief almost to be there. What can I do to help you? Actually, you know what? Talking about it now is quite helpful. Because at home, I've said maybe every hour of the last week, we're getting on a flight on Tuesday. And you've been like, why do you keep talking about it?

5:58Even Leo said, why do you keep mentioning Antigua?

6:01Louise: Because I think I need to like physically prepare my brain. is that weird to you? Why has that been frustrating? Because I feel like you, you build these moments up so frequently with such passion, just as you Thompsons do. And for the first couple of times, it's really like cute. And I'm like, yes, this is great. And then I just feel that you take it to a place where I'm like, okay, well, we're going to struggle to now live up to what you're building this to be. Well, because I keep saying I'm so excited because that's actually my excuse. When I'm saying, oh, it's only because I'm so excited.

6:32Louise: is actually because I'm so petrified about going on holiday. I feel like you make it quite hard then to let the reality catch up with the vision in your head. Scotland was great, but I feel like it probably wasn't as good as you were hoping it was going to be. I feel like most weekends you're like, oh, I can't wait. It's Friday. We've got this. We've got a paddle. And then when we get to paddle, I feel like you're, I don't know. But do you know what's funny about you? Many things. So many things. you take everything really personally. So if I came back and said, oh, Scotland wasn't that great.

7:06Louise: Like I was really excited about it and it was a four out of 10. You immediately take that as a criticism as if you are Scotland, which is just fucking mental. Like stop being so narcissistic. That's not, no, that's not what it is. No, what is it though? Why do you feel responsible for the time that I have? for the enjoyment that I have? That's a good question because I shouldn't. Your happiness is not my responsibility. Not at all. Okay, good. Let me just process that. So if I'm saying, okay, I'm really excited about Antigua, it's going to be the best trip ever and I'm putting a lot of pressure on it, even if it's not, firstly, I'm trying to kind of like manifest that energy into the trip because I'm so nervous that something's going to go wrong.

7:53Louise: um but if it isn't wonderful all the time 24 7 7 days a week 14 days we're going to be there for such a really long time um that it's not it's not a you problem if anything it will be my dad problem helpful to know because sometimes you make me feel like i am somewhat responsible how okay how so that i can stop doing that probably because i'm the one that i'm the one that will always get the brunt of it meaning if you're not happy about how a lunch went or how a hotel went you're not telling it you're not telling the waitress and you're not telling the the receptionist at the hotel you're telling me in what way give me an example huffing and puffing snarls sniggers words that i don't know don't even make sense at the time i get the brunt of it every time and i feel things deeply it's no secret at this point everyone knows that so i take it as like fuck's sake okay i take it as i take it on my shoulders so i'll try it's gonna be hard though so if we're on holiday and i need to have a rant i'm gonna have to pay maybe my therapist caroline to start working with me again so i can just jump on a call with her daily or like send a voice note to a girl's group yeah yeah that one yeah that was a good option okay and i'll just put on like a really brave face i think um yeah i think but that's useful though i'm gonna i'm gonna take that with me i'm gonna not put myself at the center of your happiness yeah don't great that feels freeing that feels good when it comes to traveling we're such different people and i think it like really firmly puts us into two camps type a type b you're type a i'm type b yes thank you for the listeners yeah yeah okay so i'm type a ryan's type b i think that they probably have already but we might have to define what it means yeah um the things that i've done to try and like wrap around some like protection around this trip are just like the kind of like neuroses of a Taipei person going on holiday might look like packing 14 tea bags, packing like minerals and vitamins and greens powders.

10:21Louise: I've also packed like 14 packets of porridge so that I know I can control like a little bit of my morning routine. Interesting. What else? Oh, I've also got like magnesium balm so that I can, this is like a Taipei, but also previously traumatized person that needs to try and regulate her nervous system. I actually really enjoyed my experience of reflexology. So the feet obviously really do like have a massive bearing on how you're feeling, right? Yeah, totally. Well, in reflexology, they believe that every organ can be connected to a point on the foot. Yeah, your feet mirror. And do you want to know something?

10:57Louise: I've actually never shared this before. This is disgusting. I had reflexology for the first time after giving birth and going through all of that chaos. with lovely Maria who actually reached out recently and she was pressing on this part of my foot, which is like just below the big toe. And she was like, Oh, this is the uterus. And she was like rubbing it. And I could really feel like the tenderness in that area. Okay. Afterwards, she was like, you might feel a bit weird for a while. Um, you might cry a lot, just like rest, take it easy, drink lots of water. I feel like that's what all massage therapists say.

11:41Louise: She didn't warn me about this other weird thing that might have happened. So half a day later, I go to the loo and I literally had like a jellyfish come out of my uterus. What's the fuck? Not a natural jellyfish, but this thing that resembles, I'll show you a photo if you want. Nope. Anyway, moving on from feet. Yeah. What's a type B personality as headspace ahead of a trip? A lot more relaxed and a lot more simplistic. For example, you probably have enjoyed packing. I've hated every second of packing. You probably like to look at the hotels and the weather forecast and maybe have a little bit of an idea of what the day might look like, at least the first few days.

12:25Wait, you've had a look at the weather forecast? No, this is you.

12:27Louise: Oh, right. I'm sort of assuming that's what you might do. I never look at the hotel. I never look at the weather forecast. I pack with such like almost resentment because I'm like, I fucking hate doing this. And I'm just like throwing shorts and t-shirt and I'm like, I'm not going to wear even half of that. I should just literally pack one pair of shorts and four t-shirts, one of which you'll wear. That's true. Thank you for packing this for me. And yeah, I don't really have a plan, but for me, I just want to get there and just get my feet in the sand and get sun on my back. And that is, that's it.

13:00And any, any plans from there? I'm like, sweet. I'm in. Do you want to go to Victor's bar for lunch? Yep, that sounds good.

13:08Louise: That is mental to me. Like you've not even checked the weather forecast? No. So you don't want to know if it's going to be raining for 14 days before you go there?

13:20No, I don't want to know.

13:24Louise: Like nothing? No thought? No thought. Do you even think about the trip before it comes? Yeah. With excitement. And like I look at the, I look at the aspects that you probably don't look at. Like? Sliding the door open, having a coffee on the balcony, looking at Blue Sea, having a swim in the pool. You're probably thinking, what time do the cleaners arrive in the morning? Yeah, I actually am. What time is breakfast? Oh my God. How far is, how far is lunch destination from the hotel? What time should we leave? Should I take a second outfit or third outfit? Type A. You know, I think the thing, you know, I think I figured this out.

14:02Louise: I think that we're problem solvers. So we're already thinking about, okay, what are the problems that might arise when we're on holiday? And how can we make sure that they do or don't happen? Or what's the solution for that? So can I pack or prepare some solutions for the inevitable problems that we'll be faced with? Also, because we get really overwhelmed when things don't go according to plan. We're not relaxed. Like you can just, you're like a, you're like water. Like if there's an obstacle, you just move around it. Trickle, trickle, trickle, trickle. Just like moving like a river. you um we are really bad when obstacles appear so we've got a forward plan a bit for them and also I think in a way like your brain gets enjoyment just from the simple things like the simple pleasure something that feels like a bit new you know the stimulus from the sun like a potential conversation I don't know like a sip of coffee whereas for me I actually think I need to work harder for enjoyment so I feel as though oh wait isn't that nuts but I feel like I need to like almost like I need to earn my enjoyment so when I'm there it's like I need to structure I need to like find things that I can do so I can like tick off the list of doing those things because that's what gives me the enjoyment isn't that mental i feel i feel kind of tired just listening to this like so and if and also the problem is you need to work hard for enjoyment if i don't have that those things to work towards each day when i'm there if i relax like properly relax

15:44Louise: i don't know what's gonna happen like i'll probably just fall asleep and never wake up again i um stumped at this point like i get panicked at the idea of just lying down i genuinely would i would pay to to get you into that state where you're so relaxed and you're not thinking have i deserved this or what can i do to earn this or is the world going to stop spinning if I just lay on this bed for 20 minutes. I think that is so, by the way, this is, I'm not, I'm not judging you. I think you're great. And part of the reason why we work is because you're type A and I'm type B. That's great. But the fact that you just said you have to work hard in order to find enjoyment.

16:36Where do I look or start with that? That's mad to me. I think that that is actually, I think we've just cracked the nut open.

16:46Louise: I think that's the difference between a type A and a type B. Because type A are competitive, like high performers, overachievers. Look at me giving myself all these amazing adjectives. Like rigorous planners. What are the qualities of type B? I feel like I'm still stuck in two minutes ago that's type of yeah yeah god you know I've absorbed some of your traits definitely not all of them but I it's kind of weird because some days I at some points I feel like it's not really me I get like really stressed by certain situations that I never used to I need to take a breath Ryan needs to run away from me I thought it was, I actually, this is really interesting because I thought that this was just like a Louise Thompson, like, oh, she's quite an intense character, but she's great.

17:47This is type A because your brother's the same, your dad's the same. My dad's type A, he's a little bit the same. There's other type A characters in my world, in my life that definitely match up to this description.

18:05Oh my God.

18:06Louise: But I don't know whether... On paper though, I don't love it. I actually think that in a relationship, you need type A plus type B equals happiness. Well, that's what I said. That's why it works. But I'm going to be honest with you, the description on paper doesn't... But if you had... So wait, what's the description of type B? I wrote down relaxed, just relaxed. That was the only word that I wrote down. A lot more relaxed, a lot more spontaneous, a lot more would adapt and adjust to what's in front of them. This is the best example. You said it earlier. like you will forecast for something that's happened in Antigua and your pack and your plan and you'll have, you'll have things in place.

18:42Like your dad, let's use him as the example again, not to bring him back in, but on the beach in his beach bag, he will have a plaster that size, a plaster that size. Yeah, he's got a first aid kit. He'll have antibacterial syrups and liquids and everything else. Jolene, Safflon. Yeah. He'll also have.

19:01Louise: But do you know the pleasure that he gets, oh my God, this is actually my book. No, he's waiting for me to cut my foot. Sorry, he's actually waiting. He's actually, the enjoyment in his holiday is someone cutting their foot so that he can get that, the first day cut out. Because up until that point, he's useless. Like he actually feels like a redundant person until you can actually help fix something. Like what's the point? Well, the apple's not falling apart from the tree because you just said that you love, you're forecasting for problems. I see a problem when it hits me there and I'm like, okay, I can figure a way out.

19:28Louise: I think that a really good example of like comparisons of type A and type B people are you're Rachel from Friends and I'm Monica from Friends which I kind of hate because when I watch that show I'd much rather be Rachel that's a good one that's a good one do you feel guilty if you relax

19:48Louise: I think I do feel guilty um it depends actually if I'm so burnt out from parenting like yesterday no I think I don't feel bad taking like 20 minutes but it's got it takes for me to feel like so knackered that I like almost can't function basically to reach full burnout for me to then go oh okay I deserve a bit of rest or for me to get ill to deserve a bit of rest and that's not okay this is such a fascinating question I feel like I need to move so much you've said so many times on weekends in particular you will ask me something like is it okay if i sit on the sofa or it'll be like 7 p.m. ask that isn't that absurd you'll be like it'll be it'll be 7 p.m.

20:35and you'll be like i'm so tired can i can i go to bed i'm like or you'll like an even sort of like even more um minor example it'll be an afternoon on saturday and you'll say, can I just sit on the sofa and watch Housewives? But you'll say it in, you actually are looking for permission in that moment.

20:58Louise: Yeah, it's true. I think I'm like hardwired as a bit of a machine just to keep going. I think part of it is running away from having to deal with a lot of stuff that still feels quite unpleasant. And so for me, that is also tied up with like taking a holiday. it feels quite scary. But I know... Sorry, I missed that. What's the scary part of taking a holiday? Just like having a lot of time to process some unwanted thoughts or just to allow the thoughts to pop in. But isn't that where healing and recovery happens, in that silence and break from the norm? Yeah, but in order to heal, you've got to...

21:41Louise: I know that you've got to get worse before you get better, and I just worry that I don't have the capacity to get worse, to open Pandora's box when I'm around, gosh, it's quite hard to talk about, but around like my kid who requires so much, who like needs so much from me all the time. And my dad, who's basically a big kid, who also needs so much from me all the time when I'm in his company.

22:17Louise: so does it really feel like a holiday

22:23Louise: it will be it will be because now we've had this conversation we're gonna we're gonna make sure it is i i'm gonna really struggle with a lifetime of this well yeah because i can actually feel myself aging because of this speed of life and this is this is the sort of like i'm on the outskirts of your speed but it's so constant and relentless the whole time and even now you're saying you're scared of you're scared to relax on holiday because you're worried about letting that speed come down i'm gonna try that's so worrying for me

23:09Louise: am i gonna get divorced now guys no because you're often saying things like why are we working so fast we're just racing our way to the graves and i'm like but you don't mean that do you because you ain't gonna change you're just gonna continue to be in gear six straight there what's it gonna take you've already had three three near misses so what actually would it take for you to be like i'm going to take this down to neutral and just take two weeks to just be calm well let's see we'll report back when we get back from the trip i think um

23:46okay i don't know ryan we've got a plan we've got a we've got a plan the plan is that we're

23:52Louise: going to take a bit we get an hour each to ourselves i'm sure there are lots of parents that can relate to this. But I will take four, please. We'll take an hour each, each day. Do you know what I mean? Please take four. That we can have on our own. Please take more than one, please. What do you mean four hours? No, I really mean it. I'm sort of like, I'm laughing, but I kind of mean it as well. I'm like. Okay, I'll have four hours. Tomorrow on the flight? No, not the flight. We'll do that in 30 minutes.

24:22Take four hours on the beach though. It's like, leave me with your dad for four hours and everyone else.

24:30Louise: Okay. You sure? You will age so quickly. Ryan's going to get another hair transfer on when he comes back because all of his hair is going to fall out after this trip. Fuck. We've also got quite different love languages. I think whilst it's okay to be different personality types, I do think that it would be useful if people paired up with someone that had the same love language as them. Ah, which we don't either. Well, what are yours? What do you think mine are? This is the big question. So your primary love language, because apparently, according to the author of, what is it, the five love languages?

25:12Gary Chapman.

25:13Louise: Yes. Apparently everyone's got primary and then like a secondary one. I do. I think your primary is acts of service. correct and i think that your secondary is gift giving which i always say and you get so angry it is though and i don't mean it in like an offensive way i just mean it in the way that like when someone gives you something it is an act of affection like it shows you that you're worth something and that they've spent time buying something for you okay well i can't i get where you going with that but for me acts of service and gift receiving is kind of if you gave me a wrapped up box and a coffee i'd be thrilled with both the when you make me a coffee in the morning i love it when you give me a little present i love it but for me it's kind of in the same category i would say my secondary love language is touch like when you i don't know ruffle my follicles or something oh my god what when i touch your hair like when i've shampoo and conditioned my hair and i look like an absolute like beaver and you'll put your hands through my hair i'm like oh you quite like you like that yeah do you but that's maybe because that's like a head massage so okay so this is actually really useful because ahead of antigua as well if we're ever having like a fallout moment we can learn like what we need to do to one another to claw her back.

26:44Louise: So you just want like me to, to touch your head. Give me a little like back tickle or like a little rub on the back. Just let me know you're there. Yeah. I'm dying. Cause I would not think. I'm so simple. I would not think that yours would be a physical touch. Cause whenever I try and hold your hand, you're like, no, it's too much. You're like, it's too hot. And you're like, uh, and also if I like try and cuddle you or if I even kiss you, you're like, no. Okay. So actually, I think you're lying. I think what you like is massages and gifts. Let me just hit you back. Let me hit back. Guess what?

27:15Louise: I'd actually put the head massage more into the gift category. Can we hold hands a bit more? Yeah. Yeah. Because last night, after this chaotic weekend, following the chaotic week, let's just be really honest. We both actually felt a bit depressed yesterday just by how stressful the weekend felt for no good reason. I think it's just part of being human is that sometimes we have hard days. And when you tell a story, you forget the context to it. What is the context then? Shit everywhere. There's like 16 suitcases opened with like stuff spilling out of it. And that in itself is enough to put me in a slightly stressed state.

27:59Louise: Okay. And then in the middle of that, you've got Leo, who is just a million miles an hour. Oh my God. He's literally like a monkey with a symbol. He's got like bags of crisps and he's just going like smacking the crisps. And you're like, just shut up. You've been making noise all day. There's no noise. Maracas. It's like bang, bang in the mirror, smacking the mirror. He's like dancing and singing. And then like this was so much overstimulation. And unlike speaking to an adult where you can just say like, I've actually had enough. Or like it's fairly obvious. Like there are obvious social cues that mean someone would just shut up if you're annoying them.

28:35Louise: with a child, they don't get it. And you can't just leave the room because like, God knows what, they're going to burn the house down. So it's a lot. And so I got into bed with him because I now have to go to bed at six o 'clock with him to get him down while you watch movies downstairs. Until midnight. You do. And I was like, Ryan, can I just ask you a favour? Like, can I just have five minutes of enjoyment so that life feels like it's got a purpose at this point? So I asked you just to lie in the bed and I literally said so basic. I was like, can you just, can we just hold hands for five minutes in bed?

29:13Louise: Because I feel like it might make everything okay. Just needed like a little bit of oxytocin. Did he come upstairs and do it? No. I said I'd come back up and do it. Yeah, but you didn't. Wait, why did you not come back up? Because I wasn't feeling that centered myself at that time. So, but that's where the problem is. But you just said physical touch is your love language. Have you seen the film Space Jam? What with Michael Jordan? Yeah. Not really my vibe, but yes, I have. Listen, because you'll get the anecdote. When they touch the basketball and they lose their powers, don't touch my basketball if I'm not feeling centered.

29:48Because if I hold your hand, you're going to suck my energy. Let me go and figure my shit out and then you can take my energy. Okay? Fair enough. Yeah. Watch Space Jam, man. That moment was, why are you looking at that now?

30:01Louise: No, that's such a good reference. okay that sigh usually i i get it like three times a year she's like that was so great yeah you're so right i now get it oh my god but what if i need to suck the energy out of you you've now i'm realizing sorry i was like you can suck something else no no no no no not okay

30:31Louise: I feel like it's just one of the expectations though of a partner. Because I get it. Should you expect behaviour from people in general? You know when Sam comes around and you're like really exhausted and he clearly wants to come and like suck some of that like good juice out of you. Right, pause, pause, pause. Sometimes you're like, I cannot have him come around. I've got Leo sucking me. I've got you sucking me and Sam sucking me. That sounds so bad. I'm being sucked the whole time Ryan you can't say that it's true though this is the world that I'm in and you'll be like oh it's not that fucking bad is it but that is literally you like limpets on me little black limpets well Sam definitely does try and like suck like out of you I don't and Leo if I don't do it I'd literally get a slap in the nuts he's like a Grim Reaper he literally comes around with like a big like Grim Reaper stick and it's like trying to actually suck the life out of us and sometimes it's like no you need to go home but with your partner you like you've we've like you know we're like two peas in a pod we are yeah I feel like we're two lobsters in a pot yeah that's good we're like yeah lobsters loyalty of love remember that story yeah okay so okay so maybe then you just need to say basketball if I'm not space jam space jam I'm jamming out.

31:53Give me some space jam.

31:54Louise: Give me some space. Give me some space jam. No, but it's actually, it is actually useful for you to know why I didn't do that. Because I didn't communicate it at the time. You would think that I'm just being dismissive and like not helpful. When in reality, I'm like, no, let me go and sort myself and then I'll come back. Okay. Well, and then the issue, and I'm sure lots of people listening

32:24Louise: will relate to this question. What do you do then when you're both at 5 % and you've got loads of stuff to do just to get through the day?

32:44Oh no, if I'm at 5%, nothing's getting done. And I'll just, I'll surrender to it. whereas you'll keep trying to find a way. That's a big difference between us. If I'm in the red zone, I'll surrender to it.

32:58Louise: You can't surrender when you've got a four-year-old. That's the problem. Do you know what? When have we ever both been in the red zone? No, it's quite convenient that we aren't at the same time. Anyway, should we move on to Bonnie Blue? Bonnie Blue, that is the worst. we're going fucking hell what a segue but yes let's go there Ryan loves talking about Bonnie Blue I actually don't know where this part of the conversation is going to go because how truthful can I be in this space I think you can be truthful I'm sure that I'm sure that most people share a similar opinion to you what question would you like to ask me okay so lots of questions Bonnie Blue has announced that she's pregnant right following hang on what was it called she's been on like on this actual thing a breeding mission a breeding mission isn't that so dark oh my god it actually honestly makes my skin crawl I don't even know what to say about it so yeah she's pregnant she's been for this scan supposedly following a breeding mission where she slept with 400 men in one day unprotected sex right what the hell is that about so any one of those guys did they know when they were signing up to shag her i guess like you probably do have to sign up to like turn up to the public was it a hotel i have no idea um do you know that you're like that she's having unprotected sex does she have to let you know that in fact i think that i think that they do because i think that they also had to give dna at the time that they were doing it right so that if they if she did get pregnant they could confirm who the father was oh god apparently she's also announced that there is a guy who is the dad who has now fled the country unsurprisingly i don't know where to start with this though because my mind's going to some really weird places with this like is every one of those dudes finishing the job inside bonnie blue i guess that's the point what the hell of the breeding mission oh god as a guy like how could you wrap your head around doing that knowing that someone else's children are swimming around inside her is that not absolutely hideous say what you want to say i knew i knew i was going to struggle with this um i'm having like some visceral reactions to this conversation i'm getting itchy collarbones

35:51i saw something pop up on my algorithm obviously i even spoke to another bloke about this this morning at 7 30 in a coffee shop i was like mate help me out i gotta talk about bonnie blue later Yeah, what's your thoughts? And we both sort of agreed that there's a world in which like society and men have like created an opportunity where a savvy woman's been like, okay, well, you've teed it up. I'll just do it and reap the rewards and get rich and famous. I think my biggest gripe with this is that she's sort of praised and celebrated for this behavior. I saw that thing on my Instagram pop up. she's in a blue van in the middle of a city center and some american blogger he's like doing his like self-vlogging stuff and catches sight of this blonde girl and he runs over oh my god it's bonnie blue like he's proper fanboying over this girl how old's the guy mid-20s 30s he's not a kid he's you know anyway just like the level of excitement he had and then And as the video unfolds, she basically slides open this transit van and in the back is a bed and she's basically parked up in a city center waiting for blokes to spot her.

37:08And then she's going to be like, shall we just have a quick one? What the fuck? And I'm like, I feel so bleh about this whole thing.

37:15Louise: I feel like even though she doesn't have a partner, like it's kind of feels like adultery, doesn't it? It feels like she's cheating. like whatever way you look at it even though she's single and able to make her own decisions her body her rights her rules whatever it does feel I can't get I can't understand how there are guys out there that like want to feel like they're being cheated on like why would you ever want to sleep with someone that is also sleeping with loads of other people sorry you're trying to get into the mindset of those 400 blokes waiting to go in yeah equally as bad but you asked me about Bonnie Blue not the bloke so i'll ask her i'll answer her about her i just think it's um really disgusting and i saw a podcast interview with her and her sort of she's she's so she's so numb by it and i think it was actually someone we know who interviewed her and it almost it almost came across as that she was she was justifying the whole thing she was like yeah well i was able to buy a house outright with cash.

38:20Louise: So she's like a robot, basically. And I'm like... But someone's obviously instilled in her that money is the most valuable thing in life. But the issue is that we do live in a world now that celebrates rage bait. Like we're all so suckered in by a dramatic headline. That's what we give all of our attention to. So where will people stop? I don't know. I think it's obviously disgusting. I also think that there are some significant health risks to having sex with 400 people unprotected in one day. And if she was to indeed be pregnant, which I'm not sure that she can be, given that she said that she had a scan and she was only, this was two weeks after this sex mission she was on to get pregnant.

39:04Louise: You can't actually have a viable scan in two weeks. You need to wait until six weeks anyway. Didn't you say that she also worked in the NHS? She actually used to work in the NHS. Isn't that mental? There's a chance that this is all something called rage bait, where she's doing it just for the engagement and to stay relevant. Hello, stay relevant. I know. Oh my God. And here we are. And here we are talking about it. So she's fucking won again. No, but she hasn't won because actually we're respectable people, Ryan. And what we're doing is trying to make sure that anyone that's listening does not condone this sort of behaviour, but also parents don't, I don't know.

39:45Louise: I don't feel particularly threatened by her, to be completely honest. I know that like people do and they worry that we live in a society that does glorify this kind of behaviour or like give space for this sort of behaviour. Yeah, I'm that person. But I, it doesn't, since the dawn of time, there have been a lot of wrong people doing some really wrong things. That's true. like this is not a new phenomenon really like people have behaved fucking disgustingly since whatever like a little like dinosaur turned into a human and and and and like and you just have to get on with it like you either choose to let it like let the fear control you and your life or not I don't believe that she will have an impact on our son.

40:36Louise: Let's put it that way, because we will raise him in a family, in a household that would never touch a woman like that. Oh my God, touch wood. Whoa. It's very difficult to articulate how I feel, but I don't feel good about it at all. And I do worry that, you know, Leo's obviously way, way, way off this, but if we continue to condone this kind of behaviour on social media and pay her millions and give her followers and exposure and everything else. There's going to be another one and another one. Yeah, there is. I think she's already got a competitor. And it will seep into how young men view women and sex and relationships and all that sort of stuff.

41:16And ultimately it's just like a domino of like, we're moving away from the classic James Bond gentleman and stuff that we all dream of, you know?

41:26Louise: The thing that as a parent I feel really bad about when I read this story is the idea of her ever getting pregnant and actually giving birth and actually having a child that has to live on this earth, knowing that their mother is selling their body in this way. That feels really selfish. Like do what you want to do. But when you're bringing another life into this world, that child has got no hope at living a dignified life. she's also said things that she's going to carry on her pursuit of sleeping with loads of strangers whilst she's pregnant oh no which is so vile and anyone that is interested in that kind of like who the fuck is watching that i'm sorry that is gross pregnancy is not sexy i'm sorry it just isn't nope nope i'm withdrawing from this we did not get very sexy when we were pregnant I got a message from someone on my Instagram this week.

42:29Okay. And it was... I was so ready for it. Tell me more. Tell me everything, Ryan. You're like a dog barking, man. You've got my attention. She sent me a message and it was around her husband getting a stoma bag surgery. And she was asking me for some advice. The only thing that I was able to say was just paying forward the same advice that I got, which was just normalize the whole situation as quickly as you can. because that's what my dad told me because I was also worried about it and I I was so concerned about how I was going to react when I saw it and everything else normalize it as quick as possible was the advice that I gave her and she was super thankful and I didn't really say anything more than that because she just kind of took it and went with it but I've never really I mean I have asked you but you have dealt with the whole stoma thing so well it's become second nature to me so from the moment that I had it I just had to learn to to live with it and to get on with it

43:31Louise: I think um I don't give it a huge amount of thought day to day it's only when it's really inconvenient to say if I have like a leak or I'll tell you at the moment it's been driving me mad I'm constantly having this it's a bit gross but I am constantly having to change it at night I don't know why so it disturbs my sleep and that's a real pain in the ass and now I think that we're going traveling I thought about it a little bit more because we've not been away anywhere hot for a while and

44:06Louise: obviously just clothing is a bit different I have a lot of women that ask me about how to dress with a stoma bag because they're worried that it's going to puff up and they they don't know how to dress comfortably and they don't want it to be really obvious How do you feel about being on the beach with a stoma bag? You wearing a bikini or you going sort of one piece? I actually feel a bit guilty about this because I have tried to advocate for body positivity with a stoma bag. And I've had lots of people message me to say that since showing my stoma bag on the beach in the past, that they've gone out and bought bikinis, which I think is so cool.

44:41Louise: Like wear the swimwear that you want to wear. Wear whatever you want to wear. Righto. Don't be limited. by a disability if you can um but do you know what i find but i weirdly have not packed a single bikini so i don't know if that makes me a bit of a hypocrite i'm encouraging other people to do it but i don't feel like i need to at this point in my life i also don't know whether that's just part of like now being a mom to 36 being a mom actually no i shouldn't say that i know moms should be able to wear whatever they want as well. We don't have to put them into a racket where they have to wear sensible clothing.

45:22Louise: But I have just packed like the black Hunza G swimsuit with little frilly waist, which does quite a good job at hiding it. That's fair. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Before I used to train a lot. I'd exercise a lot and I do that for my mental and physical health predominantly. But a little side bonus was that I did look quite good in a bikini. So it was like, oh, it's nice to show off now and again. Yeah. you had a super athletic bod i did but i don't i don't have the health or the time now to exercise in that same way so i don't have the same body to show off so in a way like i'm quite comfortable with just having like a very average body and wearing a very average swimsuit really yeah because actually i think that my value i'm worth so much more than what my body looks like like i've got so much more to offer and i've really learned that in the last couple of years since having this surgery that actually um i don't know people value what i have to say and what i do and how i behave a lot more than the way i look which i find really validating that's probably the healthiest thing you've ever said

46:38she had a few things on this conversation that i didn't think were that healthy like my body i guess used to be a bit of a project and now like

46:45Louise: the project project is staying alive so yeah like it big respect to be comfortable and to let go of what once was and to have this acceptance and realization that you can offer much more than what I'm giving you visually that's a healthy place to be I'll tell you something I'm not there I still attach a lot of who I am and how I feel and my aura and energy to my physical state so interesting I don't think I'll ever get past that well you don't think that you would now until you have to go through something that maybe alters your physical state forever very true and that's why these are the scars that shape us yeah turn us into different people stronger people yeah but it's got a lot more it's got a lot more depth and weight weight to it when it's delivered from someone who's living it do you think i said that you'd be like okay but you're you've lived it and you're proof of it and I think it's really powerful.

47:58When I was a kid and I'd go to London or another city and you'd look up at statues, I can remember looking at every one of the statues and all the male statues were chiseled, muscular men. And I actually thought, I was like, wow, maybe that's how we should look.

48:14Louise: They've all got tiny willies. Does that mean you want to have a tiny willy? I have anyway. So I was like, I better hit the gym and just build up the body around it. That's not true, by the way. for lol i wish that you i like i hear what you're saying and i i respect that i'm probably not as attached i wish i'm probably not as emotionally attached as you as you're receiving it but when i used to look at my dad and you wouldn't think it now necessarily because he's 67 but he was a big he was like a big hombre you know like a big sort of like a big granite rock and i was like wow Well, my dad was overweight and short, and I still think he's a superhero.

48:59But you're a girl. You're a girl.

49:03Louise: But I think that you're putting too much onus onto one's physical form. I'm telling you that Leo will respect how much time you spend with him and your behaviour more than how you look. Okay, I'll accept it. And let's remove Leah from that bit there. For me then. Yeah. I don't know. You have to remember that I come from a sort of semi-sporting background. I was a PT before I met you. For a number of years, this was a reflection of the lifestyle that I was living. So if this was giving you a healthy, strong, fit guy, I'm already halfway there. I'm still kind of in that mindset. even though it's kind of like you've got to not fake it to make it but it's like if you look a certain yeah if you look a certain way that people will believe that you are healthy and well and that you it's like when you go to the dentist it's like let me see you're like wow you've got amazing teeth oh well that's that is fair enough yeah it's part of the identity yeah so you have to remember like my identity has shifted i'm a dad responsibilities and priorities everything shuffled but there's still like the identity of ryan is there's still a little bit of ryan in there that's the whole like pt ryan yeah you and actually there are guys who are fit up until they're 70 80 years old i i hope i'm that guy and i will do as much as i can without getting in the way of the more important things i'll do as much as i can to make sure that happens if i could change it i'd change it but that's just me i'm type b baby just before we go on holiday i wanted to give a really quick update for those that are following our fertility journey so we have had amazing conversations with this brilliant agency that is based in georgia so it's looking like quite a strong option for us or has been and we've been having lots of conversations back and forth trying to collect collect connect our uh clinic over here with the agency over there because because transporting embryos can be really complicated, wrapped up in so much paperwork, understandably, because you are literally transporting DNA.

51:23Louise: Like it's the most precious thing in the world. Um, and it can take eight weeks. So we kind of want to do it. We wanted to do it before we went away. So at least that would, we would like, you know, be feel two weeks ahead. But now I think with all of the unrest that's going on in the world, things feel a little bit uncertain and Georgia if you look on the map is actually really unfortunately it's a bit compromised and you obviously all of this feels really unpredictable um it's in between Russia it borders Russia it's very close to Ukraine and it's also very close to Iran and with Iran, um, sending missiles to neighboring countries, I do worry about like the safety of, of keeping our embryos there.

52:17Louise: But then again, uh, Georgia actually hasn't been in war, war with any country for a really long time. And I think they are like a very sort of peaceful, peaceful place. So it puts us in just a slightly different headspace, I guess. I'd say that puts us in a very different headspace. I mean, it is crazy to think like one of our really good friends, sorry, not really good friends, but a lady that I've met a couple of times. Sorry, quite, quite different. One of our really good friends to someone I've met a few times. She's become quite good friends. Have I even met her? You've not met her. Right.

52:54Louise: But she's... She's great friends of us. No, no, no. I've become good friends with her because it's such a small network of people that have ever done a surrogacy journey that you suddenly feel like you're best friends with people because you have to lean on them so heavily. Um, she, she actually did have embryos in Ukraine and then they, when the war broke out there, she had to move them to Georgia. So there are options where you can move them around. I think it's just the sort of cost factor that every time you do move them, it's about three grand, which is really inconvenient.

53:30Oh gosh. I don't want it to feel like a big, um, I don't want it to feel like a big setback. I'll be honest with you. I feel like that it feels like a setback.

53:41Louise: I wasn't expecting my dad to feel so strongly about it. I'm not entirely sure what was left and what was cut out for anyone that was listening. He had quite strong opinions about us doing it in the US, but I think that's quite short-sighted of him. I think my dad, my dad was a bit worried about Georgia as well. He was worried. Well, if either of them wanted to pay for it, then I'd happily do it in the US. yeah yeah maybe maybe we could um maybe we actually should speak about it a bit when we're away what you mean you mean yeah allocate some time I have to say like the surrogacy thing is such a huge project it's so time consuming and if you don't spend it sit you know sit down and look into it then the months just roll by and the window just gets even bigger.

54:36Louise: And I think that... Type B. Yeah, so basically if Ryan was in charge of this whole thing, then... We wouldn't be going down this route. That's what would happen. Yeah, you're probably right.

54:54We'll keep you updated then. After our two week vacay of discussions.

54:59Louise: How much of the information about surrogacy that I told you have you actually retained? i take what i need to as with most most things i don't need to know the full picture yeah that's not an ignorance thing but i'll take what i need what i feel i need to take and i guess that might be a trait of type b actually you will want to know the ins and outs of it i'll take what i need to know yeah and you guys should do the same with this conversation anyone that's listening take what you need and then save your brain power for something far more important so yeah we we have mentioned that we're going away for a couple of weeks but episodes will still be rolling out when we're away if you'd like to get in touch with us with any questions or dilemmas or things that you think we should dive into we have an email address hsss at srproductions.co.uk It's in the show notes.

55:59Louise: I've never realised before that you're in H-R. You just said H-S-S-S, you chav. This is one of the first things you pulled me up on in our early day relationships. You used to H-S-S-S. Did I? God, I'm so fussy. He's actually exaggerating. I'm not like a total monster to be around.

56:20Louise: So yeah, pop us a little email. Also, make sure to follow us and subscribe us everywhere so you get notified about the latest episodes. What's that little trick they've got to do in the top corner? Oh, yeah. If you click the follow button, it's like a little tick, isn't it? And then it automatically downloads weekly episodes. Yeah. Okay, please do that, people. Don't get so angry. That sounds really forceful. No one's going to do it. Holla. Pepper really wants us to tell you guys to do that. let's go and finish packing your suitcase okay see you later dudes see you later dudes god I could sit here all day I'm like really reluctant to get out the chair but we'll save it for next week bye hasta luego Easter oh my god cut that out cut that out that's my favourite ending yeah