How to Forgive Someone Who Isn’t Sorry

0:00Adam Holbrook: If you've ever worked with someone who creates chaos, plays the victim, and blames everyone else, then this podcast is for you. So here's your host, Adam Holbrook.

0:19Welcome to the Managing Difficult People podcast. I am your host, Adam Holbrook. The reason I created the Managing Difficult People podcast, I was noticing that there's so many people out there, leaders, team members that are sabotaging themselves, not leading themselves well and not leading their teams well. And I thought, maybe I can create a place, a safe place, where listeners can hear my story, my guest stories, our failures and our triumphs. And maybe, just maybe, the audience will gain the awareness of what's holding them back in their own lives and a pathway forward. I work with schools and organizations that want to change culture.

1:04Here's the thing. When you stop talking about culture and actually do something about it, that's when everything changes. People show up more excited to work, build connections with one another, and the bottom line increases as well. If this is something that you're interested in, you can go to www.managingdifficultpeoplepodcast.com or my personal website at adam-holbrook.com for more information. Today's episode is all about forgiveness. And you might be thinking to yourself, well, Adam, it's easier said than done. You don't understand my situation. They hurt me. They destroyed me. or you're carrying too much weight on yourself and you need to forgive yourself.

1:52Today, we're going to take a dive into that, and we're going to start off with a story from the Bible about Peter and Jesus. Peter approached Jesus and said, how many times am I supposed to forgive Matthew? Because Matthew was the tax collector, and he was against all of the Jews because he was collecting all the money. He was imprisoning his own people. And a lot of people thought he betrayed his religious followers and religion. And Jesus said to him, you've got to forgive him seven times. Meaning you keep on forgiving. You keep on forgiving him. But the issue isn't the forgiveness, which they don't.

2:37They talk about the forgiveness in the Bible, but what they don't talk about is how we forgive. What does that process look like? And that is why I wanted to create today's episode. Because saying I forgive you is one thing. Or saying like, I get it. I need to forgive this person so I can move on with my life. But doing it is a completely other thing. And if we're going to actually just keep going through the motions of this life, we're never going to be actually moving our lives forward. So I want to talk to you today about our friends, forgiving our friends, our spouses, and our workers. And it's four strategies.

3:15We're going to be talking about four strategies for finding forgiveness in others and moving your life forward. Let's get right into it. The first strategy is stop requiring people to apologize to you. I hear people say it all the time. I actually heard it this week. You screwed up this week. You need to apologize. And then they put together an apology, which they may or may not even believe. I used to say to my wife all the time, you need to apologize to me. And then she would say, for what? And I said, you know what you did. And then she would say, I'm sorry you feel that way. Forgiveness is a selfish act.

3:56We have to forgive for ourselves, not for other people. When we require another person to apologize, what we're really saying is you must see the world the exact same as I do. And nobody sees the world the exact same as another. Now, this doesn't mean you need to be hanging out with them all the time. It doesn't mean that. And I like to forgive people. And I like when people forgive me for my mistakes. But if someone's not going to forgive or they don't want to apologize, that's on them. And we're going to talk about what you do in those situations. If people really create a nasty atmosphere and everyone kind of sees it and the other person doesn't want to apologize, instead of asking them to apologize, what could you do instead?

4:44But requiring a person to apologize, it's just going to be fake. And it's about letting the person live the life they want to live. And it affects you. We're going to talk about boundaries in a bit and how you can pursue boundaries, both with your family, your friends, and your spouse. Strategy one is stop requiring an apology because true forgiveness is a selfish act. Forgive for you, not for them. The second strategy for forgiveness and finding a pathway forward is what I call blame hoarding. You know, when you kind of forgive somebody, but you're keeping receipts, waiting to throw it in the person's face the next time they do something wrong.

5:29Oh, I forgive you. You give them a hug. I forgive you. I forgive you. And then they do something else wrong. And then you start stockpiling the stuff that they did in the past on top of the future stuff, making yourself miserable, making them miserable. Stop it. Let it go. It's over. It's done. Forgiveness is a selfish act. Stop blame hoarding. I'm going to let it go. I know it's easier said than done. And I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I'm saying it's a work in progress. But awareness is the first step. And sometimes we recognize that we forgive somebody and then they do something else wrong and you start stockpiling everything on one on top of the other, making yourself miserable.

6:11Review. Strategy one was stop requiring somebody to apologize. If they want to apologize, let them do it on their own. And I think it's a noble thing to apologize when you know you're wrong. People that don't apologize ever. Yeah, I think that they're struggling with something in their own life if they can't recognize that they make mistakes. Because we all make mistakes. I make mistakes. We all make mistakes. I make mistakes every single day. So strategy one was stop requiring an apology. Strategy two was blame hoarding. Let it go. It's over. It's done. Now, strategy number three is my personal favorite for moving forward with forgiveness is boundaries.

6:50And we're going to spend some time on this boundaries because boundaries are not walls to keep people out. They're doorways, which we choose when to open them and when to close them. Boundaries are always misunderstood. Boundaries are not walls to keep people out. They're doorways, which we choose when to open them and when to close them. Because here's the thing. If we create walls around everyone that's ever hurt us, you're not going to be left with anyone. We all screw up. We're all human. We're all growing. Some of us are growing faster than other people. When creating a boundary, we don't want to ghost another person.

7:29I used to ghost people. People used to ghost me all the time. Ghosting creates confusion. You should absolutely let the other person know your feelings. But it should never be an attack about what they did wrong. Because if it's about what they did wrong, they're going to come back on the defensive. I like to use I statements. Something like, I understand how you can feel that way, but that's not how I feel. Or I'm working on my own mental health right now. I need a little space from this.

8:03And when you create a boundary, one of two things are going to happen. People are going to respect that boundary and back off, or they're going to push back on the boundary. And if they push back on the boundary, that's on them. And I know as much as you want them to open their eyes and see what everyone else sees, they're not going to see it. They're not going to see it. And as much as you want to have your ego and the need to be right, as soon as you say, no more, I'm not doing this and release it, you gain the power back. You can release it and be done with it. You can have boundaries at a distance.

8:43It doesn't mean we're going to shut these people out forever. It means loving them at a distance. It means instead of showing up for an hour, show up for 15 minutes. It means showing up every other month, every third month for a get together. It means calling somebody back. But while you're driving to pick up your son from school and when you get to the school, you got to go. It's a natural, easy way to get off. but boundaries do not become real until you enforce them. If you say to somebody, I'm not going to put up with this and then they do it again and you stay there, that's on you. Boundaries don't become real until you enforce them.

9:25If you say you're going to do something, you should do it. Let's review. Strategy number one for finding forgiveness is stop requiring somebody to apologize. Strategy number two is blame hoarding. Blame hoarding. Let it go. It's over. It's done. Strategy number three is all about boundaries and finding those boundaries, what work for you. And you can adjust your boundaries. And we're on all work in progress here. But if somebody overtakes your time, somebody violates what you believe in, what's that boundary look like for you? limiting your time, finding something else. And strategy number four, and the most valuable tool for all of finding forgiveness in others, is delay your emotions.

10:15I know you want to react to them. I know you want to rip them apart. But as soon as you do, your character is determined. Because your character isn't determined by who you are on a good day. Your character is determined by who you are on a bad day, when life is against you. That is when your character defines you. So as your emotions of rage, frustration come in, take a deep breath and know if you can delay your emotions this time, the next time will be that much easier. Think about your leader of your organization, of a club that you belong to. If that leader screws up even one time, they lose the crowd.

11:00And it's very, very difficult to gain the trust of the people back because leaders are emotionally intelligent. They know how to control their emotions. They believe in their people. They trust in their people. They know that they can take their team to the next way. And one of the ways to do that is through people skills. And delaying your emotions is key. When I was preparing to sell my last company to Culligan Water, big Fortune 500 company, I was excited to sell it to them. We were caught up in all this due diligent work for 90 plus days, making sure every graph, every chart was perfect. The day of closing had come.

11:44It felt like a relief. It felt like we were there. It was just a giant sense of relief. And then the phone call comes in. They want to change the terms of the agreement. They want to meet with my largest customer before closing. And I said, no way. no way no customer interaction before closing i let you guys know this all along they go adam this customer makes up 28 of your business i go i'm sorry the deal is off and i walked away from that deal on a friday now i didn't suppress my feelings and hold my feelings in now listen to this. I absolutely positively communicated with clarity what my needs were.

12:30I communicated that I never agreed to this. I said no customer interaction before closing and I walked away. Now, I wanted to rip them apart. I wanted to raise my voice, but I didn't. Now, sometimes I will suppress my feelings and hold my feelings in if it's just not that important. If it doesn't matter to me, if it truly doesn't matter to me, I'll let it go. The car that cuts me off, that comment that rubs me the wrong way, but I know it wasn't any harm in it. I let that stuff go. But if it truly matters to me, I'm going to try my best to communicate it with clarity without raising my voice, belittling the person, or attacking the other person.

13:14I walked away from that deal on a Friday, Saturday morning. they called me. My emotions weren't in check. I couldn't answer the phone. Same thing on Sunday morning. Finally, I pick up the phone on Sunday night. They go, Adam, we have a new deal we want to work out with you. I go, what's that? We want to wire into a phone call with you and your largest customer on the line. I go, are you guys going to say anything? No, we're not going to say a word. What do I need to do? We want to verify that they're happy with service and they're going to continue using us. I said, fine. And just like that, the deal closed seven figures by delaying my emotions.

13:52Now, we talked about limiting our time and limiting our distance with people and delaying our emotions. And I want to give us an exercise for delaying our emotions. When the emotions of rage and frustration come in, a mindfulness coach shared this breathing exercise with me. It's called the 7-11 breathing technique where you take a deep breath in for your count of seven and you release it for your count of 11. Take a deep breath in for your count of seven and release it for your count of 11. Let's do one together. Ready? Everybody, deep breath in. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Release it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.

14:46Now, I want to talk one more time about boundaries and finding a pathway forward. because sometimes somebody has hurt you so bad that they take up so much mental space in your head, right? And you're just looking for clarity and you continue to talk about it with your friends. You talk about it over and over again and it just eats away at your brain, your mental space. This is why I love the three-minute drill. The three-minute drill is you find a loved one, somebody you care about, somebody that's not gonna add fuel to the fire, but it's gonna offer support and you can talk through this issue for three minute timer.

15:25Set the timer for three minutes. Talk about all your feelings. You can say bad words. You can say whatever it is that is on your mind. And after the three minutes is up, it's over. It's done. It's over. It's done. Because number one, it's going to take up mental space. Unless something new happens, a new occurrence happens, that subject is completely dropped. It's over. It's done. It's taking up space in your brain. And the three minute drill is working wonders because what happens if you continue to talk about it, you become a gossip. You become a gossip. And this lesson occurred at one of the teachings that I recently did at a school with a bunch of kids.

16:03The girl just kept gossiping about the same girl. She needed to clear that space. I get it. But after she kept it going, it became a gossip and it was affecting her well-being. It was affecting our class's well-being and everyone else. Get it all out. Three minutes is up, then you got it out. People understand how you feel. They empathize with you, somebody that empathizes with you, and then you can move on. So you're not carrying the weight of this mental space. Now, one thing I want to make clear is boundaries. We were talking about boundaries. Boundaries are not for you and your spouse. Boundaries are for everyone else because we're talking about finding some space with people that have hurt you, people that you love, maybe show up later, make a quicker phone call to them, but they're not for you and your spouse.

16:52If you and your spouse are struggling, it's often a communication issue. It's often not about the issue at hand. It's usually a communication issue, but if you and your wife are struggling, you don't want to create boundaries around them. You got to get it right with them, and there's a lot of different ways to get it right, and you know, you can get therapy. You could come up with a communication drill, which sometimes I have done in the past where we do a 10-minute drill where I speak for 10 minutes and my spouse will speak for 10 minutes and we let the other person know exactly what's going on in our life and it really just kind of helps clear the air.

17:29And I'm not perfect at any of this. I just want to let you know that. But I am a giant work in progress, but I also have the general awareness of when something is happening. And when something is happening, I get to decide how I'm going to move forward. If I'm going to hold grudges, if I'm not going to forgive somebody, life is about forgiveness. And I know this person continues to hurt you time and time again. You can forgive them, but you can also limit your time with them, limit your space with them, not let them have ultimate control over you. What does that look like for you. So let's review the four strategies for finding forgiveness.

18:10Jesus wants us to find forgiveness if they talk about it in the Bible. It's listed in the Bible over a hundred times. Stop requiring an apology was number one. It's over. It's done. When you force somebody into an apology, they're not doing it for their true self. If they actually felt it, they would do it. I always think apologizing is great. And I think in relationships, it's most important to apologize when you know you're wrong. Number two, blame hoarding. That's my favorite word. Blame hoarding. It's about letting go of the past. Letting go of the past. Stop holding on to something they did 10 years ago.

18:49It's over. Don't bring it up anymore. Let it go. Number three is all about boundaries. We talked extensively about boundaries. finding space for this person, loving them at a distance if we need, and what that boundary looks like. And boundaries, you're not going to get it right the first time. You may have to play with it. And then enacting the boundary. It's not an effective boundary if you're going to let it happen time and time again. And the last one is delay your emotions. Because as soon as you react, you're showing who you are as a person. Even if the other person did something wrong, The person with emotional control wins.

19:31This is some of the work that I do with schools. I do emotional intelligence work with organizations. I do workshops. I do disc personality assessments. I do a variety of different speeches, executive coaching, book studies, so many different criterias. If you want to improve your organization, go ahead and shoot me an email at info at adam-holbrook.com for more information. And thank you guys for joining me today on this episode of the Managing Difficult People podcast.

20:09Adam Holbrook: So that's it for today's episode of the Managing Difficult People podcast. Head on over to Apple Podcasts or iTunes wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week that posts a review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a$10 ,000 private VIP day with Adam Holbrook himself. Be sure to head on over to managingdifficultpeoplepodcast.com and pick up a free copy of Adam's gift and join us on the next episode.

20:48Thank you.