The Most Powerful Mental Health Moments From Season One | No Magic Pill

0:00Lemonada.

0:30game telling me about the year they were not okay. So I asked every one of them the same question. What actually helped? Just because you think it doesn't mean it's true. I always say nothing haunts us like the things we don't say. No one should beat themselves up for beating themselves up. This is evolution. We didn't choose it. It's our conditioning. Yes. I can differentiate between the pain that means like I need help, something's wrong, and I'm actually going through the change that's going to take me to a better place. You know, as mean as my dad was to me, I was twice This is normal, and we're going to help you.

1:02Here are five answers. No magic pill. Strap the old helmet on. Pad the walls and go. Okay. All right, let's have it out.

1:17When we're on our own and stuck in our own world where we feel like we're going to implode and we feel like paralyzed, well, then strap the old helmet on. Yeah. You know what I mean? Protect yourself. Pad the walls and go. Okay. All right. Let's have it out. Yeah. And you can, you know, so it's put yourself in a location where you can have it out with yourself. I like that. And get rid of the barbed wire and put some padded walls up for yourself. All right. Drink out of a plastic cup. I like that. Or get or and get to a place where you go. I have a destination today. I have a place I need to get to to find my bed.

1:53Yeah. Yeah. To get water. Yeah, I know. It's a simple thing. It's like the movement. Yeah. Yeah, like the old saying of chop wood, you know, carry water. Yes. Like sometimes that just simple repetition of accomplishing a simple task can get the momentum that you need to get clear in the head. And then that's when you really get those insights, downloads and helped you bring this great book into the world. And that is part of, I think, how we rehabilitate. When we just start dealing with the chop wood, carry water, deal with what's right in front of you. for long enough, one in a row, enough times, and we start to get out of the cave.

2:31People always ask me what I would tell my younger self or my 15-year-old self. That was my next question. Yeah. I mean, if someone's in that space right now, because I mean, this is the reason I'm doing the podcast. Yeah. Like, I mean, I am literally only doing this podcast for people who might be suffering, might be stuck, might be having those thoughts, because when I was having them, I couldn't find this conversation. and so assuming someone listening or watching having this thoughts like what do you tell that person or what do you tell your younger self yeah i always say nothing haunts us like the things we don't say great nothing haunts us like the things we don't say i like to say nothing haunts us like that we don't say but that's just me that's fine yeah this is one of those i'm an expletive i came from a four-letter home so like i'm i like that nothing haunts us like we don't say i'm gonna call that what we're gonna call that a in honor of mcconaughey yeah i would call that a note to You know, he says his note to sell, you know?

3:27So that's a note to sell. So we got to talk about it. No, that was definitely it. And then even on my drive over here, I was talking about like, at least with men or young boys, I feel like we've always been celebrated for like beating our emotions in a submission. Like we just bury it or just beat it down. And like, look at me. It's almost like when people were like, well, I didn't sleep at all last night. Look at me. Or I got three, four hours of sleep. It's like, dude, that's not cool. so then trust me as soon as you get older it's not really it's not fucking cool yeah and the um you know the emotions like you get asked oh how are you feeling like how are you really feeling where it was like i've always done this too it's it's you know i feel fine and then the other extreme is like i feel angry and there's like no other words or no other language to be able to express yourself like no i feel this way and this is why i'm feeling it or this is what's going on in my life.

4:21Like I was in that same, you know, masculine, male driven, you know, whether it be sports or just in your youth or in your teens, as you get into your twenties, like we're not, we were never taught to feel that way. We were never taught to be vulnerable or practice empathy, or we would, you know, a lot of times like make fun of it or like I said, offload hurt thinking and they're like, oh, I'm going to hurt that next person. So I can't get hurt knowing that at the end of the day. So much of the reason why bullying exists, right? For sure. And I always say like, I wasn't a bully by any means, but man, I have like, I talk about like the shame shivers and feeling a certain way.

4:58Like I go back to high school. I'm like, man, why did I do that? I'm like, I just, I, and I've, I, some of the people I've, whether it be a teammate or somebody that I went to school with, because I, you know, I was this basketball player that had so much, you know, influence and was well known in the state, but also across the country. Like I do feel like I just wish, you know, in hindsight and I've grown and done a lot, like I could have been, I could have done so much better to help enrich and help people's lives. But I'm very grateful that those, you know, a lot of those same people that I've come across and, And even with my dad passing last year, I was home for a long time.

5:41I was able to make peace with back home because I was able to have those conversations. That's such a blessing. It was such a blessing. And that's a big part of healing. And healing. Just admitting like you're wrong. Yeah. I was protecting myself. Yeah, I was tunnel focused on what was I trying to achieve? And in doing that, I hurt some people. And really— Is that okay? No. No. But how you deal with it, how you go back and reconcile, that's how you get rid of the shame. Yeah. Because shame is not an emotion that I think our creator wants us to have. No. You know? Now, you can feel guilty about something and then act on it and then make it right.

6:16But shame really can suck the life out of you. Well, and I think about regret a lot too. And this isn't, this is something that I've learned is that it's, yes, it's action and those things that I may have done. But so much of it is tied up regret and inaction. Yes, totally. So like nothing haunts us like this. We don't say. Nothing haunts us like this. So when you feel it and you know that it's time, take action, make repair, and then let it go. Well, and you also, you know, it's like when I would, you know, have to, you know, people say they fear public speaking more than death. Right? It's like when you're going up in front of the class and you're making a speech or something about something you might not be passionate about or not know about.

6:59Or maybe you're just scared to speak in front of your peers, right? You get up there, you go through it, you make it. And then you're like, oh, that wasn't so bad. Of course. It's like people, we're making up things because our brains do that. Yeah, yeah. And you're making up things in your head that are far worse than they really are. Just like they say, just because you think it doesn't mean it's true. I mean, if I could have learned that early on. I wish I could be more of a stoic, but I'm a practicing stoic, I guess. But that's exactly right. You make it up worse in your head, just like that.

7:25So it's a funny thing. So basically when we're caught, which is we're caught in a self-judgment or we're caught in anxiety, we can do a reset by something that I like to call the self-compassion break. It's like the reset button on the computer or taking a coffee break, you know, whatever you want to think about it. It's a break from our normal way of relating to ourselves. And by the way, I want to emphasize, no one should beat themselves up for beating themselves up because the brain is designed to do this. It's designed through the default mode. Also, when we feel threatened, we go into threat defense mode.

8:00You go into fight, flight, or freeze because we feel threatened. So we fight ourselves with criticism, thinking that somehow we'll get ourselves in line or maybe prevent the judgment of others if we judge ourselves first. Or we flee into a sense of shame and isolation. Or we freeze and get stuck. This is evolution. We didn't choose it. It's our conditioning, right? So it's natural. So don't beat yourself up. So if you're listening to this, and what Kristen's describing is something you feel on a regular basis. Yeah. You are human. You're human. This is normal, and we're going to help you. Yeah, that's right.

8:34So it's human. It's natural. But it's not the only system we have. We also have what's called the care system, which evolutionarily comes online for others, for our family members, for our good friends, those we love. It's also natural to care, but when we're so personally threatened. So when someone we care about is threatened, then we go into tend and befriend mode. Okay. So what we're doing is we're doing a little hack. We're using, you know, the Tend and Befriend, which evolved for others. And we're using it with ourselves. I have been using an AI emotional support app called Sonia. And it has had a huge impact on my mental health.

9:08Now, it does not replace my traditional therapist, but I use Sonia in between. I use it at 6 a.m. when I can't call my therapist. And that has made all the difference in the world. So I spoke to the founder of Sonia, and we have a special code for this community. It is Friend of Blake. So when you download the Sony app, if you want to give it a try, put Friend of Blake in there and you'll get two months for free. And I guarantee you it will have a huge impact on you as it's had on me. So now back to the show. What if my anxiety isn't the problem? What if it was something before I got anxious? And then I realized that my anxiety is always a side effect of consuming something that didn't agree with me.

9:49Just like food poisoning. every time I was anxious instead of being mad or trying to disassociate or suppress or medicate anxiety I should get excited because it's my only my only way that my body can communicate with me to let me know I mean yeah thank you thank you anxiety thank you anxiety like it's the little neon sign of your body trying to say hey you just consumed something that didn't agree with you and you know we have a brain and a dark box in our head that is trying to figure out how to relate to the world through our emotions and through our feelings and through our perceptions. And so every time I was anxious, I would, again, journal and I would say, what was I just thinking, feeling and doing?

10:31And I had three columns in my notebook and I'd had anxiety above it, three columns, thinking, feeling, doing. Every time I was anxious, I would stop. I would pause and I'd go, what did I just think? What did I just feel? What did I just do? And I'd write something in each column. And just guess if you don't know, like get close as you can. And then after about a month of doing that, you actually have a roadmap, a real blueprint to your own personal nervous system, your own personal psychology of what doesn't agree with you. Again, that's a really powerful thing. That is so powerful. And if you do this exercise, don't try to intervene when you're like, just give yourself a month to just write down what you're thinking, feeling, doing.

11:14Don't try to change what you're thinking, feeling, doing. Just be the observer. Just be the observer. I love it. This is a radical step because we internalize our abusers. You know, as mean as my dad was to me, I was twice as mean to me. I was cruel to me. And that's a really common thing. We become abusers of ourselves. And so to be able just to learn to be a neutral observer takes radical suspension of your own shame, of your own self-judgment. It's a trick. It's not easy. And so it sounds like a simple journaling exercise, but in the process of this exercise, you're going to have to practice neutrality, emotional neutrality, which is usually the very first time you've probably ever done it in your entire life.

12:00And so it's very important not to try to intervene or change your behaviors yet, but to just allow your nervous system to have a slight break from your own self-judgment. And so write down what you're thinking, feeling, doing. And then the next part of the job actually takes a lot of discipline. This is where discipline and grit and tenacity, and I call it channeling your stubbornness for good. I'm a stubborn person. I can dig my heels in. Yeah. What if I could dig my heels in for something that might radically change my life? Could I channel my stubbornness in a good way that might benefit me?

12:37And that meant abstaining from the things on the list. And you can't do all of them at once. You pick one thing, one thing at a time, and you start to say, all right, every time I think X thought, it hurts me. It makes me anxious. So it's a step-by-step process. A, you have to develop enough presence to notice you're doing it. Yes. That's a whole skill that takes months and months of practice, like learning to write a Bible. This stuff doesn't happen overnight. That's one thing I'm so glad that you're sharing and your journey is, is that you learned this over 20, 30 years. But you can start with these practices today.

13:14And over a month, you are going to have a lot more awareness around this stuff. Yeah. The first thing is committing to learn how to be present, whether you are super thrilled with what you're present with or not. Yeah. Yep. And then being able to notice, oh, I am thinking like a thought that would undo me was I don't know what I'm doing. It sounds like kind of an innocent thought. And by the way, it was an honest thought. Like I literally didn't know what I was doing. You're still living in your car. Yeah. And you're trying to, you know, figure out how to get food. And and you're beginning now to use your journal to write lyrics in your songs.

13:49Right. Like this is that time period. Yeah. And and so the journal goes from, you know, So kind of being your way to have awareness and to work through some of these mental challenges to then you start, you know, writing lots of lyrics. And we know where that leads and that leads to, you know, your first record deal and having a song and an album that I think sold like 13 million copies. And you had this incredible success and then you had a whole new host of problems. Yeah. Yeah. You know, the powerful thing about being homeless was I learned how to get relief from my anxiety and my panic attacks and my shoplifting.

14:29In my opinion, I became a very powerful person while I was homeless. Yes. Because I figured out how to have relief. And anybody that suffers from these things know that that relief is like, that's all you want. That's all you want. And money can't buy it. Nope. No. And so because of these types of exercises where I stopped, I learned to abstain from these thoughts. I learned to replace them with other thoughts. I learned to instead of shoplifting, start writing. I turned around on my own body. My body started feeling better. Being alive and awake in my own body became somewhat tolerable. When I was reading your book, I came across this page.

15:09It turns out it's on 150. And that's when I was like, I have to have this woman on the podcast. Thank you. And so if it's okay, I've underlined it. And I'd love for you to read. Okay. To kick this off. Because truly, this is the reason I started this podcast. This like, when you, when you, well, I'll let you read it. And then I'll explain why it was so important when I read it. Wow. Okay. I haven't opened this book in a long time. Okay. Page 150 of Bravey. I came to think of myself as a slow cooker. I had to throw a lot of things into it and then wait a very long time. If I looked inside mid-cook, it might not appear as though anything was happening.

15:48It would have been frustrating to peek into the pot too often, which is why it was important not to evaluate myself based on how I felt on any one day. I was an accumulation of all my days, good and bad. I can never know for sure what the single most helpful thing was for me, because in the end, everything blended into one stew. I just know that it worked. And in time, I became well again. So beautiful. So beautiful. And the reason it meant so much to me is that the whole reason I started No Magic Pill was because on my healing journey, I realized there was no magic pill. There was no one thing that made me feel better.

16:28There was no one thing that got me out of the depression or the chronic anxiety. It was a combination of all these things that I was doing like being in the crock pot. And then the part I like the most about that is about what it might look like midway. So when you're on a healing journey, and I think a lot of people that are listening and watching this are, if you look at it midway, you might get disappointed, you might lose heart. But all these little things, if you stick with them, make a difference and you can heal. I mean, you're a perfect example of that. I think I'm an example of that. And that's the whole reason that I named it No Magic Pill because there is no one way.

17:05It takes all these little things together. And you know that midway time can actually be really disorienting and discombobulating and feel like you're on the wrong path too, right? Yeah. Because our nervous system, I think, doesn't like change, even if the change is eventually going to be good. So maybe if someone is in that middle process and they're not because I've been there. I know with my mantra practice that I shared with you earlier, like day 20, I was like, this is not working. And then day 28, it really started to work. So is there a time specifically you can think of when you maybe looked in and you're like, is this working?

17:50And I don't know if it is, but I'm going to continue doing it. One of the ways that I learned how to look at the middle of the process was the way that we look at a caterpillar evolving into a butterfly. And this was Dr. Arpeya again, who helped me through that post-Olympic depression. And I remember I was going through one of these big changes. And he, I remember calling him and I was like, I'm doing all the things. I'm kind of a hot mess right now, but I think it's headed in the right direction, but I kind of am, I'm a hot mess. And I kept calling myself a hot mess. And I almost apologetically, I was like, I'm going to put it all back together, but I'm having these thought evolution.

18:30So it's starting to have sparks of like growth, but I was a mess. Right. And I think sometimes that can happen in any healing journey or evolution journey. Right. I know something is right, but I feel like a mess. And sometimes it's the darkest. I mean, that's what they say. The darkest part of the night is right before the dawn. Yeah. So sometimes it might be the most challenging right before the breakthrough. Totally. and he was like, Alexi, you keep calling yourself a hot mess. And he's like, but I think you're glop. And I was like, what's glop? And he's like, it's an unscientific term. Yeah.

19:07But he was like, do you know that when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, it doesn't just go into the chrysalis and become a butterfly. It becomes total liquid. Gooey mess. Gooey, gooey mess, right? Yeah, totally mess. And he was like, and then it becomes a butterfly. And he's like, now what's the difference between a human and a butterfly? And I was like, I mean, a lot, but in this metaphor, the butterfly, you know, the caterpillar does not feel the pain of glophood, right? We do. We feel the discomfort of that middle time. Yeah. And also the caterpillar can't choose to go back to being a caterpillar.

19:42It's going to become a butterfly. Yes. Right? Yeah. But we can make choices to go back. And that's what I'm talking about, about like when we're in that evolutionary time, we need to understand the difference between pain that is a sensation and discomfort that is a part of a process of change, which is what you're talking about, and pain that means that something's wrong. Yes. And that is something I'm really passionate about because I think that humans get really confused. Totally. And so talking about these stages and actually giving them like a name or a metaphor, like I just call it glop now, has been really empowering because then I can differentiate between the pain that means like I need help, something's wrong.

20:27And I'm actually going through the change that's going to take me to a better place. If this episode spoke to you, please share it with a friend, family member or someone you love, because No Magic Pill is not just a podcast. It's a resource to help us all live better lives. Hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode and let us know what you think by leaving a comment. A quick note that this episode is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional regarding any medical questions or concerns you may have.