163: Quizmas Crackers

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1:00Page 94, the Private Eye podcast. Ho, ho, ho, and welcome to this special post-festive edition of Page 94. My name's Andrew Hunter-Murray. I'm here in the iStudio with Helen Lewis and Adam McQueen. We're all wearing hats, but we're not here to talk about the hats. We're here because we're having a special... Please, can we talk about the hats? Please stop sniggering, guys. It's the way you've got a bauble to your ear. It's adorable. I'm taking the hats off. The hat's coming off. It's so sweet. hello welcome to page 94 we are doing a special end of year uh christmas slash new year quiz very exciting this is always very hotly contested um we've each written around and the other two are going to contest in each round uh can i can we just start with a sense check of our our buzzers if you hear this noise that's helen buzzing in if you hear this one sleigh bells ring are you listening adam and this one the clanging chimes of doom is me thank you brilliant i'll kick off with the round about uk politics this year yeah fingers on those buzzers or bells or horns okay yeah liz truss sent keir starmer a cease and desist letter in january what was she asking starmer to stop doing a presiding over a culture of decline b telling everyone what his father did for a living c letting migrants come here from calais or d saying she crashed the economy saying she crashed the economy yes that's right easy one to kick off uh her letter was six pages long and it said starmer had harmed her reputation and contributed to her losing her seat in the 2024 general election she said it also wasn't a crash of the economy because it technically didn't involve a fall in gdp or a rise in unemployment very comforting for those of you listening with mortgages uh if ever there was a case for an arkel v press tram response That was the one.

2:53Look it up, kids. It may not even have gotten RKLV press-traum response. Anyway, there we go. We're off the blocks. Helen, one point. Next up, also in January this year, Mike Amesbury, Labour MP, admitted assault by beating after getting into a physical fight with a constituent in his Runcorn and Helmsby constituency. He's now no longer a Labour MP. But what had he and his constituent disagreed over? Was it local transport infrastructure? Was it GP appointment availability? Was it the rise in antisocial behaviour? Or was it bins? Adam. It was a transport one, wasn't it? Transport. It was about buses.

3:33Helen, do you want to weigh in? I think it was... What's the second one again? GP appointments. I'm going to say GP appointments. Adam wins it. It was transport infrastructure, but it wasn't buses. I'll just tell you quickly what it was. It was about the 99-year-old Sutton Weaver Swingbridge. I mean which of us hasn't had a fight in the street about that It's about This bridge is a terrific swing bridge Which connects the town of Frodsham With the village of Sutton Weaver next door It's due for substantial repair works Which have been causing 20 mile detours For some local residents The works have begun but obviously because this is Britain They haven't finished yet Apparently they'll be concluding in February Great one point to Adam So you've both got honour now So now let's just carry on Even though we've got Christmas hats on We have on Next up, the SNP's Mary Black, the party's Former deputy leader In Westminster, I think one of the Youngest MPs in that whole Time, she was an MP She left the party in July this year What is her new media based career move Going to be?

4:37Will she be Doing communications for the Cal Mac Ferry Company? Will she be On the next series of Strictly? Will she be starring in a legal drama set in Scotland or will she be the voice of the lifts in the Robert Burns Birthplace Museum in Air? Adam. Lifts. It's got to be lifts. Lifts. I'm going to go Cal, Mike, because it's funny but it's also a real government job. Oh, I'm sorry you've both fallen into my trap. Yeah. She's going to be in a legal drama called Councils set in Scotland. Really? Yeah, she's going to be playing, I think, maybe a police officer. Blimey. I know. Obviously it's not the lifts at the Robert Burns Birthplace Museum in Air.

5:14The Robert Burns Birthplace Museum in Air is a cottage with no lifts. So, you know, you should have known that one. I've been there. That's the tragedy. Oh, Adam. It's not a tragedy. It's a terrific museum. Anyway, no scores there. I went out canvassing when I went to report on her canvassing when she won that seat in 2015. She was enough. She'd just finished her final year at university. And she was up against Douglas Alexander, who was then shadow foreign secretary. Complete dethroning of a Labour big beast. Yeah. Happy ending, though. She's in a legal drama. He's now back in government. So everyone's got something out of this?

5:47And neither of them are the voice of any lifts. Still some career options out. Next up. Rail Minister Peter Hendy, known to us all, I know. Handy Hendy. Received a fine. That's one the lawyer's going to question, isn't it? Because he has a German word for mobile phone. Okay. Peter Hendy, Rail Minister, received a fine earlier this year. For what? was it littering out of the window of a moving train? I'd remind you he's a rail minister. Was he using his phone while driving a bus? Was it unwarranted use of the horn while driving? Or vandalism in the loo of a virgin pendolino? Helen? I want to go littering.

6:30Littering out of the window of a moving train? No, because you can't open the windows on trains anymore, can you? Well, the ones in the vestibule you can. Because of woke. Go on. I'm going to go for, what was the third one? Unwarranted use of the horn? Yes, yeah, yeah, between 11pm and 7am. Sorry, I'm afraid he used his phone while driving a vintage Routemaster bus through London. That's one I didn't buy because I was like, why would he be driving a bus? You've explained it. It was for a charity called Railway Family. He's the rail minister. So he drove a bus? Yes, I did. Okay, so his nickname could be Hands Free Hendy, because that's what he should have done.

7:06Very good. The lawyer. Well, he can think of that new nickname as he considers it the six points on his license he's got and a fine. Right. Now, we've had some quite trivial political matters there. I know we haven't spent all year thinking about Peter Hendy. But let's move to some big, big stuff now. Right. Robert Jenrick's little videos. Yes. Which of these subjects has Robert Jenrick not made one of his little videos about this year? Was it A, going to migrant camps in northern France to call the police? Was it B, going to a car boot sale looking for some stolen goods? Was it C, going in a Spitfire to complain that young people didn't know about the Battle of Britain?

7:50Or D, following fly tippers in a hired van? I'm going Spitfire just because I feel like I would remember that. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. Yeah, I'm going to go Spitfire as well, actually. Oh, I'm so sorry, you're both wrong. What? What? He went up in a spitfire. No way. Okay, that is objectively quite cool. But a lot of under-40s don't even know it happened. Well, I didn't even know that that video happened. Well, there we go. He's quite right. So in raising awareness, he's not doing terribly well. But he went up in a spitfire to complain that young people didn't know about the Battle of Britain.

8:20So good for him. They have a gunner seat then, presumably. It's a two-seater. Sadly, not an ejector seat. I'm trying to resummon back my memories of what happened in Biggles. But that was a lot of... That was the Sopwith Camel in the First World War. so technology obviously came on. I'd just like to shut down any people writing in saying that the Spitfire doesn't have a separate gunner's seat because I believe it doesn't. Well, what was he sitting in there? There are entire podcasts about this already. We don't need to get into this area. Al Murray, drop us a line and tell us what you think. What Generic didn't do this year was following fly tippers in a hired van.

8:52He did go up in a Spitfire. He did go to migrant camps in northern France to call the fuzz and he did go to car boot sales looking for stolen goods. And he did walk around talking about fly tipping, didn't he? in Hansworth. Yes. That's the van. He wasn't in a van. How has he not been to that big field in Oxford that's full of fly tip? I could still see him surfing down it. Anyway, Robert, if you're listening. Absolutely. Staying with the Conservative Party for the moment, which of these items was not available to buy or on display at this year's Tory conference? Was it A, a Margaret Thatcher Toby jug?

9:24Was it a Thatcher Christmas bauble reading ho, ho, ho, no, no, no? If you've invented that, then kudos to you because they should get on there. Was it an AI Thatcher which allowed her to speak on current policy matters or was it a Thatcher impersonator on the decks at one of the parties? It's the Christmas bauble. You've made that one up. Okay. Helen? Okay, but just to be different, I'm going to go with the AI Thatcher. Guys, this is a low-scoring quiz so far. You're both wrong. The thing that wasn't there was a Thatcher impersonator on the decks at one of the parties. To my knowledge, I did search and try and find out if that had happened.

10:01No, they had the Christmas baubles and they had the A.I. Thatcher. I remember the A.I. Thatcher. You could post a letter to her, couldn't you? And she would come back to you from beyond the grave. That's like a Ouija board. That's a bit tasteless. That's quite weird. A little bit. They also had some of her outfits on display. Great outfits. Showing that they're a party looking to the future. It's also 100 years this year since she was born. Wow. I know. Next question. This is now the fabric of Parliament bit. as part of its ongoing renovation what did the Houses of Parliament spend nearly £10 million on this year was it a single door which trapped disabled people inside it was it an entire building of windows which concentrate the sun on people was it a lift for some falcons or was it some paint which turns out to contain lead it's the door it's the door it's the door on the House of Lords entrance it's absolutely that and it has trapped people in wheelchairs inside it and it needs a security officer to press a button to operate it.

11:02It's a bad door, but it's only cost£9.6 million, to be fair. Wow. I know. I mean, again, it's one of those things where you feel like, I've got to probably about£500, I reckon I could find someone to install the door. But as expensive metaphors go, you know, the east wing of the White House is probably a bit of a better one. Yeah, absolutely. And just so you know, there was a project to rehouse the resident. I think it's Peregrine Falcons, but that cost a mere£80 ,000. to rehouse two of them, or£40 ,000 of falcon, you know. This is quite right, too. More appreciated than any other inhabitants.

11:36To be fair, I imagine they do sterling work in how many... Imagine what kind of clean pigeon droppings off all that fancy facade. Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. They earn their weight in whatever they get paid, those falcons. Scraps of bacon. Next up, disruptors. Who does... Oh, sorry, I thought you were just addressing this. Yeah. who does Zahra Sultana say she and former potential co-leader of your party Jeremy Corbyn are like is it Princess Harry and William is it the Gallagher brothers is it the Mitfords or is it Cain and Abel Helen it's the Gallagher brothers it's the Gallagher brothers I like to be like the Mitfords and they're just like they've got one who's a fascist one's a fascist one's just a lesbian one likes horses ain't great it's the Gallagher she said in October I know that I'm in Manchester so I have to reference Liam and Noel Gallagher If they can do it, of course, me and Jeremy can.

12:27After this, she then organised a speech simultaneously with Jeremy's for the first night and then boycotted the following day of the conference. So harmony remains. To be fair, it took them 20 years to need the money enough to get back together again. So maybe it will all work out OK for Zara and Derek Dizzer. Very good point. A cheering point. Right. A couple more. Which of these is the odd one out and why? I'm going to be strict on this. Lucy Powell new deputy leader of Labour Nick Robinson Laura Kunzberg Donald Trump Lucy Powell's going to feel terrible that she needed glossing you thought we wouldn't know who the deputy leader of Labour was I'm sorry Donald Trump president of the US okay there we go Adam Donald Trump's American correct I can't give it to you I can't give it to you that was correct I want to point only one of them's president I mean this is get ridiculous this um is it about suing people it's not shall i tell you about having a podcast it's about having a modern thing uh a tiktok account one of them has this and the other three have merely uh been and the other three have been victims of a scam claiming they've got such a thing i'm going to put you all out of your misery it's cryptocurrencies uh uh the first three powell robinson and they have all been hacked on twitter uh by hackers posting adverts for fictional meme coins Powell's was the dollar sign HCC, the House of Commons coin Nick Robinson had the dollar sign Today coin Only President Donald Trump has actually launched his own Cryptocurrency, the dollar sign Trump And the value since launch is down by 85 % What was the Koonsberg one?

14:09Koonsberg Grugerrand It's the only one I didn't write down Again, with your laser-like journalism skills, Adam You found a weakness and you zeroed in on it Right Final one What did Kent County Council spend£11 ,000 on this year Prompting complaints Was it taking down patriotic flags Was it a logo for its Doge department Was it equality, diversity and inclusion training Or was it imitation coal fires for its offices Adam Was it taking the flags down so they could put Christmas decorations up It was taking down the flags Yes Because then Warwick, the 12 year old who's in charge of Warwick Council said that he was going to take all the flags down and store them very, very carefully and put them back up in January as a result.

14:54Lovely. Lovely. Yes, well, what an exciting round. That was it. Adam, I think you've won. Oh! Very close round. 3-2. Close but low scoring. You know? Close but kind of rubbish. I wouldn't get cocky. We're about to go to Adam's notoriously difficult round. Yeah, absolutely right. Well done, everyone. I had a great time. I hope you did too. I would just like to say it's not a difficult round And if you've been bothering to read The Street of Shame pages in private eye all year, or rather for about the first six months of this year, because that's when I got bored going through them and thinking up questions.

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16:11What kind of pro can fix a backsplash? Can I replace one cracked tile or should I replace them all? What if I just use Thumbtack? I can hire top-rated pros, read reviews, and compare prices with a tap. All on the app. Thumbtack knows homes. Download the app today. All right, far away. This Christmas sees Murdoch's children, James, Elizabeth, and Prudence, firmly on Father Rupert's naughty list, and Lackland, Grace, and Chloe getting extra helpings of plum pudding. But how much did Dad shell out to each of his least favourite children to settle the succession battle over his business empire in September.

16:47Andy. One billion dollars. I'm going to say 300 million. Dollars or pound? Does it really matter when he's gone for a billion? I mean, you're both right. Andy, do I give this to you as a closer? 1.1 billion dollars. Wow. 810 million pounds. Thank you. So someone's having a lovely Christmas dinner this year. So one point to Andy so far. How much cash did Tortoise Media hand over to The Guardian in order to take over the Observer newspaper this spring? Go on, Halim. Was it£1? It was not. Well, actually, it was technically minus money because The Guardian ended up putting a big investment into them.

17:25I think it's£5 million that they paid. That who paid? That The Guardian paid. It's either£5 or£25. It was The Guardian paid. Right, both of you are going to get a point on that one because you've both got different hearts. It was a trick question. it was actually the Guardian who paid Tortoise to take the Observer off their hands they put£5 million of investment into them and said that's your problem now you've got to deal with it it was a great bargaining by the Guardian wasn't it in that essentially the initial offer was a pound and then they ended up being I was desperate to do business with them 2025 saw an unexpected change of astrologer unexpected unexpected change of astrologer at the Daily Mail with Oscar Caner replaced by his cousin Jemima the daughter of original horoscope botherer Jonathan.

18:09What was Oscar's surprising parting revelation? Hadn't he communicated with a ghost of someone quite important? Like Thatcher? No, I think you're going back to the Tory party conference now. Yeah, I'm Thatcher. It's quite a simple one. It's one all of us might be capable of making about horoscopes and astrology in general. It's all fraud. It's all made up. Well, effectively, yes. He said, I don't think I can predict the future much better than anyone else. And neither did my uncle, who was, of course, the best paid journalist on Fleet Street for very many years. Hang on a minute. But was he outed or did he resign of his own volition going, I can't do it anymore.

18:47I don't care. They're all the same. There's no difference between Libra and Aquarius. He was just ousted by his cousin, who just fancied to go. I do remember that being an incredibly good story. It was a fun one. OK, Royal News. The Prince and Princess of Wales dispatched a letter to newspapers via their lawyers, Mishkondorea, at the beginning of the year, complaining about invasions of their families' privacy. What particular phrase, as featured in the Mail, Express, Hello and OK magazines, were they particularly concerned about? Ooh. Surely it's not all grown up. I'm afraid it is. This is the most tasteless Christmas question, I'm afraid.

19:23Yeah, all grown up. specifically they said the media presenting their 11, 9 and 6 year old children in a more adult like manner than is appropriate may lead to fascination and even potential objectification online did one of the papers age them up to say this is what they're going to look like when they're grown ups yeah they've done that as well yeah a bit dodgy isn't it so in conclusion name all three entities that have nearly bought the telegraph this year but haven't I'm going to let Andy you're behind so I'm going to let you go on that one Redbird oh we can all get Redbird Andy no no no not just Redbird come on I need specifics Redbird IMI this year Redbird China edition effectively Redbird Taylor's version Pyongyang

20:17Kim Jong Un the Daily Mail group Boko Haram between you you've got one I'm worried that Boko Haram's market share would be too large the Daily Mail group are currently in the running to take him over at some point in the new year the Redbird who tried to buy it from the original and current owners Redbird IMI were Redbird Capital can you remember the person who was in the front running at the beginning of the year Dove Foreman no that's the one who does the Dovey just go with all unlikely vowels in the name David and you will get there. Dovid. Dovid Ifoon. Yes. Owner of the New York Sun. I think we should deserve a point for that because that was heroic.

20:57Both have a point. It's Christmas. Whatever. Thank you. Well done, Andy. It means you both equal on three in this one at the moment. So it's all very, very exciting. What is unusual about Daily Mail website hack Melody Fletcher? Ting, ting. Doesn't exist. Yep, that's exactly it. She is a pseudonym used by journalists who either don't want to put their real names to the stories they're obliged to write because they're afraid of the reaction from fans of people like Taylor Swift. Oh, fans of the Daily Mail. They just get monstered online, so they just put the name Melody Fletcher on it instead. Or they just put the name Melody Fletcher on it because they're just so embarrassed about what appalling crap.

21:32I thought you were going to say she was going to be AI, but that's... No, she's pre-AI, she's literally... Like Hollywood film directors using Alan Smithy when they didn't want people to do it. It was the story over Eleven in Stranger Things, do you remember, where she clapped back against the mail and said she was being bullied. And after that, they just started putting Melody Fletcher on absolutely anything they read about her, but various other people as well. So there you go. The Telegraph, in a front-page exclusive revealing what it claimed was a free speech row in March, described comments reform supporter and peculiar plumber Charlie Mullins had made as criticising London's mayor in what might be termed a robust manner.

22:09What did Mullins actually say about Sadiq Khan? He said something like someone should kill him. He said exactly someone should kill him. specifically time to dump the Muslim mayor someone should kill him that's free speech telegraph style it's fairly unambiguous isn't it's not not really the dog whistle there one more for Andy I just love my horn we're going to take that away from you at the end of the recording you know you can't just keep it forever it's very dusty I don't think people have been using it in the interim we haven't used it since last year's Christmas quiz that's why it's been sitting on a shelf celebrating her first full decade as editor the Guardian's Kath Viner boasted this spring that when she had taken over, the Guardian was making big losses and the business model was not sustainable.

22:50In 2015, that year, the Guardian's losses stood at 17.6 million. What did they stand at in 2025? Numbers. 17.7 million for Comic Effect. I'll say 20 million. Higher, higher, higher. 100 million. Lower. 50 million. Lower. 24.3 million. That's interesting. Although the Guardian does prefer to term them as adjusted cash outflow for the operating business, which is a rather wonderful euphemism, I think. And it was down for 37 million the year before, we should say, to be fair. And it went through profitability for a while, didn't it? Yeah, and then straight out the other side. And we're like, oh, we don't like this.

23:28It's not right. It's not the Guardian way. Right. I think Andy was closest on that, so I'm going to give Andy a point on that one. And in your final question, the Daily Express was way out ahead in 2024 as the most successfully complained-about newspaper, with seven breaches of the editor's code and Ipso-obliged corrections made. This year, and I'm not going to ask you to get a number, but do you think that was higher or lower in total? Got to be higher. I'll be sporting and say lower. I'm going to need a honk. Higher. I'm going to need a ding. Lower. You're wrong, Andy. They were all higher. There was higher.

24:05Twelve of them, twelve complaints upheld so far, and amazingly, every single one of them was from the same complainant. who is a man called Alan Williams-Key, who seems to have made his full-time job just to complain about inaccurate coverage in the Daily Express. Wow, does he have a specialist subject? Do we know? Is it? He's particularly keen on economics and criticisms of Rachel Reeves. Is he not, as far as I know, related to Rachel Reeves? As I say, is he Rachel Reeves' only fan? That's exciting. Wow. And on that round, we have a total of four for Helen and five for Andy. Yes! Just a wipeout for me, over and over again.

24:39All right. Did you lose the last one as well? I did. I'm sorry, Helen. But by default, lost this one. Because I know you're competitive. It's fine. You must be really sticking in the craw. I've actually tried this year. I've really learned to be humble. Saturday, September 26th. Two of combat sports' most dangerous strikers collide. Bare Knuckle. Liverpool's own Darren the Gorilla Till goes to war with Cuban powerhouse Yoel Soldier of God Romero. Plus the Bare Knuckle Middleweight Championship of the World is on the line. when the reigning champ Dave the Redneck Mundell defends against undefeated British challenger Jack the Meek Pleaver Colon.

25:16BKFC 94, Till vs. Romero. Watch it live only on DAZN. Sign up now at DAZN.com. This January, Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship takes over the ocean. The inaugural Bruise Cruise sails from Miami to the Bahamas aboard the Norwegian Jewel. Three straight days with pool deck bare knuckle fights in the Caribbean. Massive parties, beach events, DJs, cigars, tequila tastings and non-stop action. The line-up reveal's coming soon. Cabins are disappearing fast and the prices won't stay this low. Reserve your spot with just$200 down at bkfsea.com. This is the 12 Trumps of Christmas. Oh, brilliant. Fantastic.

25:58Which of the following did Donald Trump not do on his first day in office? Now this will be multiple choice. A, ban TikTok. B, change the name of Denali back to Mount McKinley. C, declare there are only two sexes, or D, withdraw from the WHO. Ooh. Adam. Is it the banning TikTok? Because they did preemptively cancel themselves, didn't they, and said they weren't going to be in America. I'll say the mountain thing, which he probably did do at some point, but didn't do it on day one. He did do it on day one. It is, in fact, banning TikTok, as you observed. Instead, he seems to plan to flog it off to some of his mates and still have the algorithm run by China.

26:37As Elon Musk's time in Doge drew to a close, he appeared at a White House event with a black eye. It is generally agreed that he was decked by Scott Besant, the Treasury Secretary who hates him. But who did Elon try and blame the injury on? His wee lad. Can you give me the name of his wee lad? X-I, source code, forward slash... Absolutely final, this one, new document X, yes.

27:06like one of us trying to file a piece of the subs on the monday morning no absolutely use this one um yes i was just horsing around with little x and i said go ahead punch me in the face and he did mr musk explained if only he would extend this invitation to more people i feel the world would be a better place okay in may after the death of pope francis who did trump suggest could be the next pope tweeting an ai generated image of them in full papal regalia? Himself. It was, of course, himself, yes. He's not going to nominate anyone else, is he? No, it was not. Which political disruptor explained his nickname like this?

27:43I use it as my LinkedIn username. People on LinkedIn take themselves super seriously, and they're pretty averse to risk, and I was like, well, I want to be no other of those things. So I just set it, and honestly, I didn't think anybody would notice. Is it the guy from Doge who's called Big Ball? It is the guy from Big Balls. Edward Correstein. I'm afraid Big Balls has now left Doge. Much like the ravens leaving the Tower of London. Big Balls has departed. Right. Well done. Doing very well, both of you. Well, I think we're connected on LinkedIn, he and I. I wonder if it was in the middle of his name or if that was just his first name.