More Rosebud - Gyles's Diaries, episode 34

0:00I'm Giles Brandreth and this is more Rosebud. Cue the music.

0:24I am Giles Brandlis and because it's more Rosebud, you heard the little chuckle there. It's from my friend, colleague, companion, Harriet Jane. I'm very pleased to see her here today because yesterday I turned up here at our studio in Park Lane at Grosvenor House Came into a darkened room, sat down and thought, well, I'm sure our guest is due at 4. It's 3.15. Normally Harriet would be here putting up the lights, getting everything ready. No one here. Oh, well, I waited a moment or two. I looked at my notes. I thought I'm quite looking forward to today's guest. I used to know her quite well. In fact, I might send Harriet some pictures of her and me together 10 years ago.

1:06And then I thought, well, I'll just check where is Harriet. So I gave her a call. And I said, where are you? And she said, I'm at home. The recording today isn't happening and I forgot to tell you. I thought this is too much. And I became quite stressed, didn't I, Harriet? You did, yes. Can I just say, and I want to say this on the podcast, I'm so sorry Giles that that happened so Giles was here ready and waiting with one of his jumpers on all ready to interview shall we say who it was? Yes Susan Kalman Yeah and I hadn't told you that it had got It isn't happening at the moment Yeah it was just penciled and it never got firmed up Oh It was a big admin fail I was looking forward to it because Susan and I were quite close about 10 or 15 years ago I don't quite know how we must have done lots of work together.

1:59We used to text each other and send each other pictures. And I hadn't seen her for a while. And I thought, oh, I'd love to see her. I'm looking forward to that very much. Oh, I'm so sorry. Because she lives in Scotland, doesn't she? I don't think she comes down here that much. That's why you haven't seen her, maybe. I remember she used to send me pictures of herself on the sleeper. She would send me goodnight pictures of her socks. She would be lying on the sleeper. And she'd take pictures of her feet. And then I sent her pictures of my feet back. Oh, how charming. So we were quite close. Has she got really sweet little feet?

2:30Little dainty feet in bed socks. Oh. They weren't naked feet. They weren't clothed feet. Well, on the sleeper, you probably want to wear some socks. I think you would. I have to say I love sleeper trains. I don't go on them much, but whenever I have, you get such a nice sleep with it rocking you around. Yeah, providing you on your own. You've got to go first class. None of this sharing a sleeper. Oh, I went in India where there are something like nine of you in a carriage. and it's, for some reason, it's totally fine. Oh, well, that's good. Yeah. But I think it's just two people in a compartment.

3:03Maybe that's worse than nine, in a way. Yes, I think it is. Because nine is a party. Yeah. Two is potentially a tryst or something. Oh, God, don't. And, you know, you don't necessarily want to have a tryst with just some person in a sleeper who you don't know, do you? I think you definitely don't. No, you don't. Getting back to where we began, it was quite tense for me yesterday because i'd come here yeah i was ready and willing and able and i thought this is i'm gonna have my stroke this is the moment i'm going to have my stroke i've reached the age where i dread every day having a stroke oh and i thought this is now calm down i thought put your palms up michelle was turning up my life because she wanted to see Susan Kalman and hear the podcast.

3:50Oh, gosh. So she arrived. What's going on? I said, well, and she said, go with the flow. She said. Oh, that's why. Yes. So we went to the park room. I was sitting there very, very tense. And then from another table, a gentleman came over and said, out of the blue, stranger, I love Rosebud. Oh. And that's when I got him. I phoned you, didn't I? Yeah. And to hear him, because the son thought, oh, well, that's why we do it. So I didn't have the stroke yesterday. Oh, thank goodness for that. But I'm worrying about the stroke every day. I do not want to be the cause of your... I love the fact you call it my stroke, because if it's just a foregone conclusion, this stroke.

4:32My stroke. My friend Anthony Holden died a couple of years ago, a great writer and a great friend of mine. He had a stroke and he hated the word stroke, because he said a stroke implies something like a caress. It's gentle. It doesn't sound that bad, does it? It's a brain attack. That's what a stroke is. A brain attack. So I don't want a brain attack. No. Tony, he did wonderful work to recover and his brain was really sharp after the stroke but his right-hand side, or was the left-hand side? Yeah, that's the problem in your speech. Oh, and his speech, it was really challenging. but I mean I've known a lot of people who've had strokes and who've fought valiantly back and have really almost recovered but it's not not nice oh no I know how I want to go I want to go like my friends Frank Thornton the actor Captain Peacock oh I think we've spoken about this haven't we and Beryl his wife they just went in the night went to bed don't wake up that's how everyone wants to go that's the way we want to go not a stroke induced by incompetence on the part of Harriet Jane, currently the producer of Rosebud.

5:47Currently. Oh, gosh. Yeah, exactly. You heard it here, listeners. If I'm not here next week, you know why. She'll be here next week because I need her. She's so good. And if you'd like to see her, you can because some of our podcasts are now on YouTube. Is that right? Yes, yeah. Yeah, the Friday episodes it's going to be at the start. The big interviews. And people find that, just go to YouTube and then... Search Rosebud Podcast. Rosebud Podcast. Yeah. And up we come. And people also can go to Patreon, which is the Rosebud family. Yes, so you can join the Rosebud family. So if you want more Rosebud and you want no ads when you listen to Rosebud and you want to get some really fun bonus episodes, don't you think, Giles?

6:31We've enjoyed doing them, going down memory lane and sharing our own diaries as they go. Yeah, we've really enjoyed doing them. We've had a real laugh. Patreon.com forward slash Rosebud. Yeah. That's where you go. Now, look, before I start on the diaries, who have we heard from this week? Will you read this one to us? Because I'm going to read my diaries. Yeah, I think you'll like this one, Giles. It's from somebody called Vicky, and I'm afraid I don't really know how to pronounce her surname. I think it's Harry. Oh, goodness. Harry. Oh, H-A-E-R-I. Unusual name, isn't it? And this is about her childhood.

7:04So this is when she was Vicky Colm Seymour. And she writes with news of a potential relation for you, Giles. So it says, Dear Giles, how interesting hearing that you're descended from Sir Giles Daubeney. I wonder whether a man I knew with the same name was any connection. When I was a child, aged eight, I'm now 86, we lived in a large detached house in a little village called Weir Gifford in Devon. Up the lane next door were Major Giles Daubony and his sister Violet. Giles used to come and babysit for my younger sisters and me when our parents went out in the evening and we were frightened of being left on our own.

7:47However, the extent of his contribution to our safety was to sit in the drawing room downstairs, nursing a glass of whiskey that my father left for him. I gathered from my parents that he was happy to come because Violet would not let him have whiskey at home. So our house was his escape. Thinking about him now, I imagine he must have had a very difficult time in World War II, because he seemed quite sad and much older than my father, who'd also fought in the war. In fact, my earliest memory is age three when my father came back from sailing to the Far East and I was stationed by the front gate to look out for him.

8:25He came rushing in and pushed past me to go and find my mother. She'd been cooking and hugged him with her flowery hands, making white marks all over his naval uniform. Memories. Rosebud is a wonderful programme. Long may it continue. Best wishes, Vicky Harry. Nay, Colm Seymour. Lovely. What a wonderful letter. How evocative. Well, I think this will be a relation of mine of some sort. It must be. Because the Dormanies, when they are called Giles, the Y as this was, it is all because of this forebear. Yeah. So, a kinsman. Very good. But you don't drink whiskey in the evenings, do you, Giles? I don't.

9:07I drink sparkling tea. It's my little treat. I'm actually trying to drink a little bit less of that. I'm trying to drink more water. Are you? Yeah. How many litres a day are you trying? No, I'm not. I mean, a few glasses a day. I should be on the litres. I know. Because you know, I'm doing this project with my friend, Finola. Have you met Finola yet? No. She's my physiotherapist. And we're writing a book about the 100-year life. How to live to be 100. Brilliant. Because I want at least another quarter of a century of rosebud. And to achieve that, I'm going to live to 100. Yeah. And one of the key things that you've got to do is drink lots of water.

9:42hydration is key to everything oh it really is it's so hard i find it hard to drink enough i get a bit bored of it somehow my hairdresser was saying even is good for your hair your hair is composed of water so you know it'll make your hair nicer if you drink do you think it affects everything i'll grow more hair i would like that on my head yeah no one else your hair will get thicker and more lustrous love that so i think it's drinking giles i've reached the stage in life when there's no hair on my head but no shortage of it in my ears oh i know ghastly it's to do with testosterone isn't it giles if you lose your hair it's because you've got testosterone so i think that's good yeah you're so just so virile giles the people feel free to write in about that i mean it's love to hear about major giles dorminy but if you want to write in about your experience of my virility you know the address where should people send it it's just coming over the airwaves at you now, everyone.

10:35Giles' testosterone. Watch out. It is hello, H-E-L-L-O, at rosebudpodcast.com. Great. Well, I wonder if there'll be much testosterone in the diaries. There usually is. There sometimes is. There certainly was when I was at school. We've reached November 1972, and I must be 24 years of age. So, today is the official publication of Brandreth's Party Games. Oh yes this was my second book and the first of four published by a company called Air Methuen. I then did a book called Brandreth's Bedroom Book and a book about pantomime and a book celebrating Frank Richards the creator of Billy Bunter. Oh wonderful.

11:17Anyway, I love the cover design. I love the orange endpapers. I love the look and feel of the book. This afternoon I went out to Enfield to the Spears games factory to see mr richard spear he's very old very blind and very nice oh he held my sample board for the alice in wonderland game right up to his eyes i'd invented an alice in wonderland remember my obsession with alice so i turned this into a game he held my sample board for the alice in wonderland game right up to his eyes so the board actually touched his nose and pronounced himself satisfied. He's a remarkable man. His office is completely uncluttered.

12:01He and the factory manager and the sales director, George Hanna, run his multi-million pound business between them. They sell Scrabble and Tell Me and all the rest all over the world. And it is just the three of these men running the whole show. No. Yes. Gosh. Isn't that extraordinary? Yeah, That is extraordinary. There are 12 of us on the advisory council for Radio London, and all we do is talk. There are just three of them running Spears games, and you'll find their products in homes across the planet. And now they're going to manufacture my game. I'm very happy. Isn't that interesting? Amazing.

12:43And for this company, Spears, I also created the Treasure Island game and the Teddy Bear Games box. and as well as originating and hosting the annual Scrabble Championships, I then later became a non-executive director of the company and I remained involved with it until it was acquired by the toy giant Mattel in 1994. Oh, I was going to say, is it still a British company? No. But unfortunately not. Oh, that's a shame, isn't it? This evening, Mark Boxer came to draw my caricature. Does that mean anything to you, the name Mark Boxer? I don't think so. He was the first editor of the Sunday Times magazine.

13:20He was later editor of the Tatler. And he was a pocket cartoonist called Mark. So clever, isn't it? He's tall and smooth, friendly, comfortable in himself, comfortable with his place in the world. He's completely an insider in the London of the 70s in a way in which I don't think I'll ever be. I met him first with Eve Arnold when he was editing the Sunday Times colour supplement. I remember him telling a joke about Christ on the cross. what a way to spend Easter. Eve Arnold reproved him for telling the story in front of Ham, her son and me. So he made it worse by giving a different punchline, something about Jesus having his legs crossed because he was desperate for the loo.

14:03It was shocking. I was shocked. I didn't like him then, but I liked him a lot today. He, more than anyone I know, represents the metropolitan man of our time. Can I just ask you really quickly, because we've chatted a lot this show, you say he's an insider in a way that I don't think I'll ever be. To me, you seem like you're perfect insider material. What makes you? That's now, of course. He was so smooth. He was tall, he was handsome, he knew everybody. He was an establishment figure. You know, he'd been on the Sunday Times. He did these pocket cartoons that were on the front page of the Times.

14:41I think it was the times and he just was effortlessly at ease right of course his girlfriend was anna ford the most beautiful girl on british television he just you know was comfortable with anybody and i imagine to sunday times they were the people that employed tony armstrong jones lord snowden married to princess margaret so he was at ease with the royals he was politically adept this eve Arnold, who is referred to here, is a famous American photographer who took the last photographs, I think, of Marilyn Monroe. This was a man who just... And you didn't feel you were there? No, and I don't think I ever thought I would be.

15:23I think I was conscious of being an outsider. The diary, I think, made me feel more of an outsider because I felt I was observing the world. He'd come to draw me, this is Mark Boxer, because I'm being profiled in the New Statesman in a series called Figures of Our Time. What's he going to say? I wondered out loud. Nothing nice, he replied. With these things, that's rather the point. Oh dear. So he knew, you see, he wouldn't have said yes to doing it, but I thought, oh, Figures of Our Time, I'll be happy to be in that. It's worrying. It is worrying.

16:04Monday, 6th November 1972. Today, on behalf of the publishers Hodder and Stoughton, disguised as Charles Schultz's creation Snoopy, I appeared at a press conference at the Playboy Club in Park Lane to launch Snoopy's first foray into fiction. It was a dark and stormy night. The costume is outstanding, hot to wear, but satisfying because it does look good. The hound's head is huge, so big I discovered I couldn't get into a London taxi wearing it. When I'm in the outfit, I see the world through a gauze in the dog's mouth. Have I already explained the background to this? In case not, this is it in a nutshell.

16:45I sold my second book to Air Methuen, overlooking the fact that there was an option clause in my contract with Hodder, obliging me to give Hodder first refusal on whatever I came up with next. Robin Denniston, the editorial director at Hodder, summoned me to his office and tore me off a strip. He told me that created in captivity would lose the money, but a Christmas stocking fella like my party games book might not. What was I proposing to do about it? I asked him what Hodder's Christmas list looked like, and he mentioned the Snoopy novel. I said, I have an idea. bring Snoopy from America and send him on an author tour.

17:25I'll play Snoopy for you. He said, you're on. And I was, and I am. Today was the day of Snoopy's arrival. At the press conference, hosted by Clement Freud, connoisseur of dog food and director of the Playboy Club, we pretended I'd just come in from the airport. It all went wonderfully well. Loads of press and no awkward questions. The only person who seemed discomforted was Clement Freud. He's an odd fellow. His smile is completely cold. There's an edge of sarcasm in everything he says. The photographers didn't want him in any of the pictures. Just Snoopy, if you don't mind, Mr. Freud. Even though I could only glimpse him through the gauze darkly, I could see that he was not amused.

18:11Wednesday, 8th November, 1972. It's ludicrous but wonderful. Snoopy is a smash hit everywhere we go. The coverage has been extraordinary. Front page pictures, TV news, the works. We're selling 300 plus copies at every signing. The signature is in fact a paw print. Whenever I'm near the public, I stay in full costume. If I need to take off the head for a breather, I disappear to a storeroom. At the Midland Hotel in Manchester, where we stayed last night, they wouldn't let me into the French restaurant. Don't you serve dogs? I demanded. It's not that, sir, said the maitre d' smoothly. It's just that you're not wearing a tie.

18:55We watched the US election coverage on TV in my room, a landslide for Richard Nixon. He secured 47 million votes to George McGovern's 29. Nixon is promising peace with honour in Vietnam and launching a fresh bombing attack to coax Hanoi towards a ceasefire. At home, Mr Heath is also set on draconian measures Since the CBI and the TUC can't agree on a voluntary pay agreement The government is imposing a statutory wages and prices freeze Initially for three months, but it could be for longer Later Hullsworth Hall and Kendall Mill in Manchester this morning A bus drove onto the pavement at the sight of me prancing down the street No injuries Birmingham this afternoon At Hudson's Bookshop We bumped into Jilly Cooper Who went wild with excitement Gurgling and purring I love dogs I love Snoopy What a beautiful wet nose We sold many more copies Than Miss Cooper too Cardiff next Then Bournemouth And Southampton It's a funny way to earn a living Saturday the 11th of November 1972 The new Statesman profile Could be worse It's the usual guff cobbled together from old cuttings.

20:19There is one sentence that stings. As a writer, he was always repetitive. As a penologist, he is rotten. But his woman column is very dreary stuff indeed. Oh, dear, Charles. Too true for comfort. But as Noel Card would say, Rise above it, dear boy, rise above it. I shall. I have. Lunch at the Verbanella. supper at the Campana and in between a wonderful film about a race for the US Senate The Candidate with Robert Redford Thursday the 16th of November 1972 another day another luncheon club more ladies in flowery flowerpot hats and glasses like Mrs Whitehouse views like Mrs Whitehouse too today it's the East Lanks ladies I'm on the train to Preston and reading a kind letter from Fanny Craddock.

21:14You may or may not know that I am in fact a witch, hopefully a white one, but just occasionally my witch-like and insatiable curiosity impels me to have a little private peek forward. This, my latest peek, tells me that for some time to come you will emulate that famous character who jumped on his horse and galloped away in all directions. Curiously enough, I did exactly the same thing, and long before anyone else had arrived to the same conclusion, I decided that my alleged early promise was not going to justify itself. You will do the same thing at some future stage, which will be a much sillier exercise than it was for me, because if I live long enough, I know I shall say I knew you were frontline material when I heard you delivering a speech standing on your head.

22:05Try everything that opportunity puts on your way. Enjoy it to the full and you will find none of it will be wasted. They will all come together in some form of outstanding success, which I would not want to know now and should not tell you if I did, because it would damage the pattern. Now, tell me I'm a silly old bag and I shall not blame you, but remember That's a nice letter Giles Well I'm rather moved you know I get moved easily but I'd forgotten that letter existed and I don't say it here but I may have said it somewhere else in the diary I bet I was glad to receive that letter after the unkind I'm sure piece in The New Statesman Yeah And funnily enough she was writing this because I was running in every direction Yeah writing a serious book about prison reform then writing a jokey book about party games dressing up as snoopy um but at the same time trying to be serious you know what was it all about and i did run in all directions and i know that my father particularly i think was anxious about that you know was i wasting whatever i had to give by doing so many different things anyway bless her because you still wanted to be home secretary i did yeah i wanted to be snoopy one day home secretary the next um i wanted to be all sorts of things what a nice lady i mean she first knew me when i was 19 20 years of age and to take an interest to maintain the interest to take the trouble to write like that yeah she was a nationally famous figure very sweet be like getting a letter from mary berry today if you're a 20 year old yeah giving you encouragement yeah well lovely saturday the 25th of november 1972 last night at the white elephant on the river, I found myself washing my hands in the basin next to Peter Sellers.

23:58This morning, I find myself on the 1004 from St Pancras, on my way to Leicester to spend a day dressed as Snoopy. Fee,£30. I'm having to tread carefully as Snoopy nowadays. Charles Schultz got wind that we'd launch Snoopy in England at the Playboy Club. As a born-again Christian, he did not approve. Now, my proposed itinerary has to be approved by him personally in California in advance before I go anywhere. I think Mr. Schultz would at least approve of my reading matter this morning, Woman Magazine. We're celebrating the Queen's silver wedding anniversary with a world exclusive trumpeted on the front page.

24:40The Queen's private silver, for the first time in colour. Yes, the first ever colour photographs of the silver teapot given to the Queen on her wedding day by the people of Aberdeenshire. There's more. An eight-page pull-out royal anniversary songbook. Your keepsake that recalls 25 years of happiness. And for Petula Clark and her baby, we design his layette, knitting patterns inside. Petula Clark. Amazing that this is the contents of Woman magazine. Of course, we've had Petula Clark. We have, I wonder. As a guest on Rosebud. We should knit a little set for her son. But well done her, being on Rosebud 53 years after, featuring in Woman, with them having designed a layette for her baby.

25:33Amazing. And my column? It's up against stiff competition. Tucked away between two huge full-colour ads, How to Keep Him Satisfied, American long grain rice is tasty rice. And she said, I'd love a baby sham. But can I say something? My column, it's not bad. The theme is things I can't resist. And for what it's worth, I think it reads pretty well. Wednesday, 6th December, 1972. Value added tax is being introduced in the UK on the 1st of April 1973. Last night, Mr. Crumblish from Customs and Excise came to call. I liked his name and his helpful manner. In surprisingly straightforward terms, he explained to me how I've got to keep my books after the 1st of April and provide him with quarterly returns.

26:28Interesting, isn't it? The VAT man actually came to the house to explain how it all worked. I can't believe that. Did they go to every single person who ran a business? Amazing. Yeah. Anyway, that's when VAT began. Mr. Crumblish, he must have been terribly busy. Great name, isn't it? This morning, I began the day in the sub-basement of Broadcasting House with the Settlers. We were recording songs for my Pop Into Panto radio program. This afternoon, I took tea with Earl Grosvenor. Oh, this is Gerald Grosvenor, 6th Duke of Westminster. I mean, he reckoned to be worth billions. Amazing. I think he was the wealthiest-born, British-born UK citizen.

27:09Wow. I think it was a Grosvenor family. And we're in Grosvenor House. And we're in Grosvenor House, which once belonged to his family. Hasn't done since the 1920s. Anyway, this afternoon I had tea with Earl Grosvenor at 53 Davis Street Mayfair. When he turns 21 on the 22nd of December, he's going to inherit millions. He was pleasant enough while giving nothing away. He left Harrow without a single O-level. Perhaps he thought he wouldn't need them. Now, why didn't I ask him that? I have a feeling I was nauseatingly sycophantic. He looked utterly exhausted. The one weakness he admitted to was a fondness for fast cars.

27:46Motorway madness in the middle of the night. I had no sense of being with someone special. He has no plans to use his vast wealth to any particular purpose. This evening, the Mumtaz, our new favourite restaurant. Indian food in the Grand Manor. Tomorrow, Burnley and the delights of the Nelson Dinner Club. Treat of the Week, Behind the Fridge, with Dudley Moore and Peter Cook at the Cambridge Theatre. I can see them doing a sketch in which Mr Crumlish, from Customs and Exiles, calls on Earl Grosvenor, the richest young man in the land. Saturday, the 9th of December, 1972. Letter from Barbara Buss, Editor of Woman.

28:29It is very sad for me to have to write this letter, but I'm afraid I've decided to discontinue your column in Woman, the last one to appear in the March 17th, 1973 issue of the magazine. She says a lot of nice things about my efforts and professionalism but the nub of the matter is this. Your writing has not developed the qualities I feel necessary to promote a personality who, in the reader's eyes, has a voice that speaks for and to them all. I'm disappointed. I'll miss the money. but I know she's right. Godfrey Wynne did shake hands with the reader's hearts. I don't. We're going off for a consolation lunch at the Mumtaz.

29:14Chicken Muglai, here I come. Oh dear, Giles. Yep. That is disappointing. I've known ups and I've known downs. And that was a big down. Yeah. But I recognised at once that she was right. and in a way it I think was absurd to get a 24 year old yeah to write a column in this then best-selling woman's magazine in the world in succession from a man called Godfrey Wynn who's in his 60s and been doing it a lifetime and did shake hands with the hearts of the people he had an empathy with the woman readers of this magazine that I simply didn't have the life experience to have. So it didn't ring true. And I've worked out over the years.

30:06I don't really think I hit the ground with writing until much, much later. Much, much later. Not really until I ceased to be a member of parliament. I joined the Telegraph when I lost my seat in parliament and began doing interviews and pieces for The Telegraph for a number of years. And they did work. And it was because I was older and was able to be emotionally engaged. I was just writing these pieces without any sense of emotion. Emotional engagement is key if you're going to be a successful columnist. Wow. Anyway, Sunday the 31st of December 1972. The news out there. 10 ,000 people killed in the Nicaraguan earthquake on Christmas Day.

30:55President Harry S. Truman is dead. President Richard M. Nixon has halted the bombing offensive against Hanoi. The news in here, David Shook at his apartment on Connecticut Avenue, Washington, D.C., after a good week, ranging from the Library of Congress to the Sunshine Boys on Broadway, we are seeing the new year in with champagne caviar and beans on toast while watching tv our maxim for 1973 onward upward the best is yet to be well i clearly gone to the states for christmas yeah to stay with my friend david shookett and michelle was with me so when we talk about we it's the pair of us how lovely monday the 22nd of january 1973 1973, I've had to abandon my scrapbooks.

31:46My cutting and pasting days are over. I'm still keeping everything, letters, programs, articles, clippings, but now all I have time to do is put them in a box for the relevant year. I'm just putting 1972 away, and I've come across this. Cosmopolitan magazine's list of Britain's most eligible bachelors. Giles Brandreth, writer and panelist David Broom, showjumper Robert Carrier, gourmet Tom Courtney, actor Georgie Fame, singer Michael Fish, fashion designer Benny Hill, comedian John Hurt, actor Simon Jenkins, journalist Eddie Kulakundis, wealthy impresario Ian McKellen, actor Brian Patton, poet Ned Sherin, script writer Dave Cash, disc jockey Jack Wild, actor Oliver Reed, actor Earl of Litchfield, photographer Peter Wingard, actor John Peel, disc jockey John Bentley, multimillionaire tycoon Carl Green, a Herman's hermit Cosmo asked each of us to define what we'd look for in a wife I specified a non-smoker who is kind and jokey Georgie Fame was more direct Nice legs and big bristols Ditto Oliver Reed She must have good knockers I hate the bull dyke women's lip diaper bird Oh, gosh.

33:07Clearly, Ian McKellen is rather more of a gentleman. I'll know my ideal woman when I meet her. An aristocrat without a title. What's fascinating about this list? Well, two things are fascinating here. Such a funny list. Especially knowing what we know now about Sir Ian McKellen. So many of them actually were gay. But then you couldn't come out. No, I know. And so they had to, really bizarre. I mean, Ned Sherin was really gay. Yeah. But even when I was young, you know, George Michael was being touted as kind of an eligible bachelor. It's extraordinary. But also, it's a woman's magazine, Cosmopolitan.

33:45Yeah. And that they use these quotes from the guys. I know. She must have good knockers. What a world. I know. It's changed so much. It has changed so much. Not necessarily for the better. I mean, I don't want people going on about big bristols all the time. But it was quite fun in a way, wasn't it? It was quite fun. Because I don't think anyone was taking it that serious. No. What are you looking for? Yeah, well, if you want to know the truth, I slayed some big bristles. I mean, oh, God. Well, it has the merit of truth, didn't it? Exactly. As you'll discover, I got to know Oliver Reed. Anyway, that's another story.

34:21I'm lunching with Irene Josephi at Rules in Medinland. I'm seeing the accountants in German Street at 4pm. I'm meeting up with Michelle for tea at Fortnum's at 5pm. I'm not entirely sure my darling fully appreciates that she's living with one of England's most eligible bachelors. It's quite nice to have been on the list, actually. Very nice. Well, it's quite a weird list. It's all right, it's a weird list, but it shows you what the people working for Cosmopolitan at the time thought was an eligible bachelor. Yeah.

35:00Wednesday, the 24th of January, 1973. Lyndon Johnson has died aged 64 of a heart attack at home in Texas and in Paris at the peace talks they've agreed a ceasefire in Vietnam that looks set to be the real thing I'm on a train bound for Yeovil looking at my column in Woman one of the final few and thinking it isn't that bad it's about the way to a man's heart and it was fun to do I phoned up Percy Edwards do you know what I mean about Percy Edwards? he was an ornithologist animal impersonator do you remember that yes yes you've spoken about him you'd ring up and he'd answer in animal noises yeah absolutely i phoned up percy edwards and spoke to his wife she turned away from the telephone and tweeted a summons to her husband this is before twitter when i say tweeted it went he told me that when he first met his wife it was her hands small neat delicate that captured his heart.

36:00And Nona Wynne, she was an Australian-born actress, broadcaster, she told me that you win a man through his ears. Tell him the things he wants to hear about himself. Men are only interested in food when they're bored. Interesting, isn't it? Mrs. Schilling, Gertrude Schilling, she was notorious for huge hats that she wore to Ascot. Mrs. Schilling, our neighbour in Clarence Care Gardens who travels asked Ascot in her roles with her hat at her side while her husband follows in the Fort Cortina behind, opted for constancy. My friend, the Dean of St. Paul's, said, fastidiousness in a woman goes straight to my heart.

36:43Fastidiousness in appearance and habits and values. My favourite answer came from Jack Warner. Does that mean anything to you, Jack Warner? He was an actor best known for playing Dixon in Dixon of Dock Green. My favourite answer came from Jack Warner. I've been happily married for 43 years and I know the way to a man's heart, he said, but it's a secret and it's far too good to give away. Isn't that a brilliant answer? Brilliant answer. Wednesday the 14th of March, 1973. Michelle's 26th birthday. She isn't here. She's flown to Scotland for High Street, the new daytime programme for housewives. I spent the afternoon in Oxford Street at Preview 2 doing the first of the recordings for our new Sonne Lumière the story of Royal Greenwich Today's guest star was Sir Alec Guinness who had said yes, then no, then yes again He was courteous but inscrutable except that he made it clear he did not require my direction I wanted him to end his big speech with a dying fall but he just wouldn't to do it that way is a little obvious don't you think i always try to end a sentence on an upward inflection it leaves the listener expecting something more keeps them on the edge of their seats so to speak i'm aiming for an early night going to bed with virginia wolf the two-volume quentin bell biography of virginia wolf is my birthday present for michelle up early so that I can give my all to the Buxton Ladies Luncheon Club.

38:21I'm back at Euston at 6.54pm. We're meeting up in Flood Street at 7.30pm for one of our bridge evenings with Francis Crowdy. He's lovely. He mixes the best gin and tonic, tells tales of Milos Forman, and teaches us bridge in a really civilised way. There's many a man walking barefoot along the embankment tonight because he failed to draw out all the trumps. Ah! Monday, 26th March, 1973. It's just gone six o 'clock. An hour ago on the radio, I heard that Noel Cowart has died. He was 73. I went out straight away and bought a copy of the Evening Standard. It's the lead story. I'm glad about that.

39:06He was a great man, a major playwright, whatever they say, an extraordinary performer. I can do Noel Cowart in Las Vegas by heart, and by every account, a really nice, generous human being. I tried to follow his assorted maxims, especially keep coming out of a different hole and read all the notices but only remember the good ones. He was very funny. One day I will retire from public life. How will we know when that day has come? You may follow my coffin. We're going to Il Travatore of the Colosseum in a minute. I'm really sorry it's not private lives. Saturday, 14th April 1973. A rollercoaster week of glamour.

39:50Solihull, Coventry, Blackpool, Altrincham came to a headed climax today in Leicester where Snoopy led the night children's book promotion through the streets of Leicester. This morning at the offices of Brockhampton Press I went into the ladies' lavatories to change. If I have a choice, I always choose the ladies. It's bound to be cleaner and there's usually more space. Because it was a Saturday and the offices were closed I assumed I would be alone. Unfortunately, one of the cubicles was occupied. I was just putting on Snoopy's gigantic head when the cubicle opened and out popped a startled lady.

40:27She squawked loudly when she saw the six-foot dog and then shrieked in alarm when I yanked off my head to apologize. She was an unlikely sight herself, spindly, respectacled and dressed in a Cub Scout Arkela's Uniform. Her name is Jane Osborne. She's the children's book editor here. And as the day wore on, we found we got on famously. She wants me to write a book for her. It seems I'm to be a children's author. Oh, all from a chance meeting in a ladies' lavatory. In a ladies' room with me dressed as Snoopy. And it never occurred to me to be a children's author. But as a result of that meeting, I will have written, wait for it, I'd say more than 100 children's books.

41:15In fact, and maybe I should have done this, I could just be a children's author. The first books I wrote were all nonfiction books. You know, books about party games. I think it was the first one I did for her. Books about riddles and jokes. Books about word and language. Collections of funny facts. And then I got into writing fiction. And I've written, oh, 20 or 30 children's novels, short novels for young children. One in particular, Max, The Boy Made a Million, that was optioned twice for movies and that Disney were going to make into a film once in a while at a time. And I still have got the hope that it might happen.

42:00You could be the... I mean, J.K. Rowling made a lot of money out of this. hers were books for slightly older children mine were really for sort of six seven eight year olds but yes i might have hit the i didn't well i did a series about a boy called hamlet orlando julius caesar brown and he was as you could imagine the son of actors yeah and hence the names he had and that was very successful they were all about a boy at number 13 there were about a dozen in the series so i wrote lots of children's books which is how i met people like roldal because eventually I was published by Puffin Books. Some of my children's books are still in print.

42:38Some were reissued last year. That's a good present for a young person. Yeah. But the question I really want to know the answer to is, do you still use ladies' loos when you want to get changed? Well, I no longer need to. Good. Because there are now loos for disabled people, which there weren't in those days yeah lots of legislation introduced rightly to make sure there were proper facilities for people with disabilities and when they came along if you are me obviously then i was dressing up as snoopy but as you'll discover later i dress up as a dinosaur i dress up as a jester i wear lots of costumes on different occasions when i'm quite young and in the evenings I'm wearing a dinner jacket and you need somewhere to change.

43:28The gents' loo is never nice to change in. No. So if I'm in a building where I think the ladies' loo will be, I don't use the ladies' loo, I use it to change in. Yeah. I'm using the wash basin, the mirror, the greater space to change in. Yeah. I'm not trying to invade women's spaces in any sense. Well, I would be quite shocked if I found you changing into a Snoopy costume. Yeah. In the vestibule. It was very disconcerting for this lady because the costume, and we must put one of the pictures on our website, it was a huge costume and the head was enormous. So there I was, this enormous, and she comes out of the cubicle, this poor lady, dressed as our Kayla, dib, dib, dib, dob, dob, dob.

44:10She was quite a shy person. And I'm sort of there and I'm yanking off the head and then she sees this young man inside. So it was quite shocking to her, but we got on well. And then later, when these looes for disabled people were introduced, I'm afraid I did begin going. And not if a disabled person who needs to use them is waiting, but if not, they're much more spacious. They are. They're changing into one's outfit. Yeah. Indeed, when we were at the Charing Cross Hotel, I probably showed you the one I use there on a regular basis. Oh, the disabled. so if you are waiting to get into a disabled loo and you can't it's Giles Brandreth in there changing into a jester's outfit you can knock on the door and say is that you Giles and I'll say I'll come out straight away you shouldn't really be in there now should you no I shall feel very guilty about that anyway is that it for today's diaries that's it yeah so more diaries in two weeks time if people want to watch us on youtube now they can all our friday interviews will be on youtube they will so the the big name interview so you can see them find us there and if you want to join the rosebud family and join us on one of our trips down memory lane add free listening and all the other things we go to patreon.com forward slash rosebud yeah but we're here for free and with lots of love every Tuesday, every Friday.

45:36I'm Giles Brandreth. You are... Harriet Jane. This has been Rosebud. Until next time... Cue the music. Cue the music.

46:29That was more Rosebud with music by Phil Leppard, Production by Harriet Jane And in the chair, me, Charles Brandreth Thank you for listening