More Rosebud - Gyles's Diaries episode 47

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1:21This is Charles Brandreth welcoming you to More Rosebud. I'm in my room at the W Hotel in Edinburgh and I'm not alone because I've been joined this morning by my producer and friend Harriet Jane. We've now been in Edinburgh for a week, haven't we? How has the week been for you, Harriet Jane? Well, I've loved it, but I am quite tired, I would say. We are exhausted. Yeah. Totally drained. and I did warn you, because I've done Edinburgh quite a few times over the years, that week one you can't do anything but concentrate on the show. Week two, you're trying to get into the show, bedding yourself down, but family, friends turn up expecting, oh yeah, have you got some comps?

2:10Can we arrange the tickets for them? Then afterwards they want a drink, then they want to go out for dinner, then they want to go to a late night show, and all you want to do is go to bed. Are you physically exhausted? Yes, I'm very tired. but I did something brilliant which is I joined a gym and spa right across the road from where I'm staying so I just go in there and have a sauna and a swim in the pool every now and then I've already been in this morning Giles and that really refreshes you I've never had a sauna in my entire life I've been into the funny room where they are with sort of wooden slats because I think we once bought a house or had a house where there was a sauna already fixed and I was a kind of outhouse with wooden slats.

2:53Yeah. It was, I think, because we bought the house or acquired the house from Swedish people. Yeah, they loved them. We loved all that. And they would sit in there. And I didn't know what to do. I sat in there, and it got all sort of hot and sticky. And I thought, this is not very nice. So I left. Oh, well. What's the idea of a sauna? Well, I don't really know the technical details, because I'm not Scandinavian. But you don't get sticky. It's dry. The heat is dry. I think we must have got it wrong, then. a steam room is you get sweaty in a steam room yeah that's a lot of moisture a sauna's dry and you sit and but it is hot yeah uh and you sit still i do because it's really hot and you do deep breaths and you it really relaxes your muscles and i think maybe i mean some people say things like oh that'll get rid of a lot of toxins i don't know i've heard that really getting rid of toxins um but you feel relaxed you feel calm and it does do something really good to your body if you do that and then go straight away into cold water oh you've got to get into the cold i've heard about this is why i can't do these things are you alone doing this or are there strangers in the room as well no this one that i've been going to in edinburgh is absolutely deserted oh that's nice i'm just it was just me and an old bloke this morning but he was sitting by the pool.

4:14He wasn't in the sauna. We were being respectful of each other. So I'd go in, he'd sit outside. Then I'd go out. Because no one really wants to be in the sauna. Because it's not a very big room, the one that we had. No. I mean, you sit there quietly. So you can be in there with, I think you can be in there with a group, a whole load of you. And what are you wearing? A swimming costume. Oh, so it's just before going into the pool. Yeah. But if you were in Scandinavia, I think you'd probably be naked. I know. Yeah. Or Germany. And they actually frown upon people that aren't naked. This is not for me.

4:46I think it's. I mean, it's not for me, but I really do think it's probably better to be like that. You know, in Germany, they are all fine with being unclothed. I know. It's cool. It's not cool. I've seen some of them. It's not cool. I know. The aesthetic, as far as I'm concerned, is not cool, but then I'm looking in the wrong way. I appreciate that. I've had bad back problems. Oh, you need a sauna then, Giles, because it's about relaxing. I've been doing 10 minutes a day with Fanola, my physiotherapist, who, as you know, is based in Switzerland with her little baby boy, Oscar. Yeah. And so she's been giving me 10 minutes a day, often with Oscar participating.

5:28And Oscar's now recognising me. He comes running towards the camera and waving at me, which is rather lovely. How sweet. He totters towards the camera. Yeah. And I wave back. and I'm doing basically I suppose stretches of different kinds to get my back settled and I'm doing breathing as well and she says don't concentrate on what's worrying you just concentrate on the breathing yeah think about the breathing yeah focus on the breath and that has been very good I've done it every day but I couldn't do it today for complicated reasons I couldn't do it yesterday for complicated reasons because I had to be up at seven in the morning doing publicity because I'm still doing pub.

6:06You are good, Giles. I am quite good about that. You really are. And somebody said to me, I did BBC Breakfast, I was there at 7am with sumo wrestlers and a Frank Sinatra sound alike. And somebody said to me, Giles, do you need this? Yeah. How's your show doing? I said, well, we sold out yesterday. And I said, we've sold out today. He said, well, I don't think your show needs this. I said, yes, maybe we sold out yesterday and today because I am doing this. So it's a very difficult thing to judge, you know, and I'm still handing out leaflets in the street and saying to you, where are flyers, Harriet?

6:37And you're saying, oh, they're in the bag. Do we need to bother? And I'm saying, yes, we do need to bother. Yeah, I think you might be overdoing it, but I'm grateful to you for doing the sumo wrestlers. And that was fun, Giles. It looked fun, the sumo wrestlers. They were great fun guys. Did they wrestle you? Well, they were naked, funnily enough, and it didn't matter at all. No, they have, what do you call those sort of... Nappies. Huge, like huge nappies. They don't have their... No, they don't have their what's-its. Sumo sausages dangling down, do they? Their sumo salamis. But it's quite funny because they were making noises like, because they invited me to smack their tummies, which was quite an interesting experience.

7:20Gosh, were they firm, their tummies? Yeah. Wow. I don't know. I didn't raise this with them because, obviously, I wanted to be respectful and then we were fellow artists and they are really skilful at what they do. and they were fun, I was worried about how healthy it is because two of them were, you know, big guys, but one of them was a really huge guy with a huge gut. Yeah. And the way he was throwing people around. Yeah. And I sort of bounced up against him for fun. But my gosh, it's like hitting an enormous wall. And I thought, you know, quite young, is this good for you to be? But I don't know what the story of sumo wrestling is.

8:00No, it'd be interesting to look into. I don't know what the average life expectancy of a sumo wrestler is. But what I can tell you is the average life expectancy of a seagull in Edinburgh. Oh, this is fascinating. What a segue, Giles, can I just say. I love that. It's Jonathan Livingston segue. Jonathan Livingston segue. And I think I'm going to really find this fact that you're about to tell me fascinating. The average life expectancy of a seagull. I would like people to think about this because I've been writing an article for The Spectator for this week, my Edinburgh diary, and I began it by saying greetings from Edinburgh where the air is full of love and seagulls because there are seagulls everywhere, aren't there?

8:48Haven't you noticed? I have noticed seagulls because we are near the sea, aren't we? We're very near the sea. It is a port. There are bits of Edinburgh, like Leith, that are actually on the dockside. Yeah. In fact, I walked past a restaurant the other day. It was called something like the Muscle Bay Seafood Restaurant. And I walked past it and the name sort of printed out clearly. And above it was this really wily looking seagull looking beadily down on these people eating their fish and chips. and I took a picture of it because I thought this seagull knows exactly what this restaurant is and then further down the road there was another seafood restaurant with another seagull they are not stupid these seagulls they're not stupid they're quite greedy I think they can read well they certainly looking down on the world yeah you pass any statue in Edinburgh and perched on top is a seagull absolutely surveying the scene yeah and you would think if you were in Edinburgh that the seagull population is exploding because they are there.

9:50And they're so bold. They strut about on the pavement. You come along, they make you walk around them. They walk across the road and the cars stop for them. I was in a rickshaw yesterday. I'll explain about that later. I was in a rickshaw yesterday careering through Edinburgh and we had to keep repeatedly stopping for seagulls. Why don't they fly? I thought they flew. Of course they can fly, but they can't be bothered. They can't be buggered because they don't need to because it's their territory. Now, we are being deceived by these seagulls in Edinburgh. There is a seagull shortage. What do you mean a seagull shortage?

10:27There are at least, I think, a million fewer seagulls in the UK this year than there were five years ago. The seagull population is plummeting. I think people might be quite relieved to hear that because they can be a bit of a menace. Well, there was a counsellor in, because I've been investigating this, There's a councillor in Edinburgh who wanted a seagull cull. Oh, no, that's not good. And the RSPB and the other charities that look after birds said, no, no, no, no, no, no. You shouldn't be culling them. You shouldn't be culling them. You know, they've got a right to live here too. They're lovely.

10:58They are fascinating creatures to look at. Also, they said there is a crisis on. Yes, there are lots of seagulls in Edinburgh because there is food here. They're scavengers. Yeah. And, you know, it's fantastic for them. Yeah, seafood restaurants, ice cream. But elsewhere, and they come, are they sitting there with your bag of chips? No, no, no, you watch out. You watch out in case they miss the bag of chips and land in the watsits in your sumo sausage. Anyway, the point is there's a national seagull shortage crisis. How long do you think a seagull lives? Well, I, I. You know the answer, don't you?

11:35Well, because I guessed this, didn't I? You asked me this and I said, I had a feeling it was quite a long time because they are old, ancient creatures. You know, these birds, they're descended from dinosaurs. You know, they've been around longer than us. They're also big and strong seagulls. And they've got a look about them. You know, when you look them in the eye, you think you've seen, you've seen some action. I mean, they're not born yesterday, these seagulls. They're like you. Yeah. so I said to you I think the average lifespan of a seagull is 30 years you looked a bit disappointed I was very disappointed that I'd got because I was actually not far off Harriet Jane knows it a lot she's such a clever cock everybody else I've asked it to has varied between sort of nine months thinking it's just a bird three years somebody said oh maybe six years no nobody got it right which you did bingo because you see the baby seagull that I mean, the baby seagull lasts a while.

12:37It's a whole season, the grey baby seagull. And it's this, the reason it seems so crowded in Edinburgh now is that August is peak seagull month. Seagulls are being born, seagulls are growing older, and they can live. There is a seagull, reported seagull, who has lived longer than you've been alive. 49 years of age is the longest known living seagull. And they can live anything. Of course, it can be more dangerous for them living in a place like Edinburgh because they do occasionally get run over. Things happen to them. But 30 is about par for the course. But they can live well into their 40s. Like a horse.

13:14A horse lives that long. Does a horse live that long? Yeah, a horse 30, 40 years. Not in the case of Tonka, the pony we bought for our son, Bennett, who's going to feature in my diaries. Are we going to do some diaries in the world? Oh, did he have a premature death as well as everything else? Well, we're going to hear about that. Gosh. Are you keeping an Edinburgh diary? no i'm keeping an edinburgh diary because i find and i think even you are finding the process of performance interesting because we've come here to do 26 shows in a row it is your first appearance on a professional stage we have been very blessed and we've had sellout shows so far that may not last it depends entirely on the word of mouth but it's very interesting the first preview the the anxiety, the second show, maybe not as good as the first, the third show, somewhere everything comes together, and how we feel differently, registering the audience, learning not to tread on our own laughs, knowing when to slow things down, knowing when to listen to the silence.

14:20All of that is interesting and also, surprisingly, physically exhausting. I came back from the first show. We made a mistake after the first show, I realised, when I got back to my flat, which was we immediately left on a real high. It was a real buzz during the first show because it happened and the audience in Edinburgh is so big and up for it. And we had a great stage crew. We had a great stage crew. So we went on, we felt really confident. Well, it didn't at the beginning, but at the end of the show, every cue had worked. The music came at the right times, the lights were correct, everything worked.

14:57So we came off high, didn't we? Shout out to our stage crew, all of them. Oh my goodness. Greta, Malachi, Miro, Jade, Amber, Jacob. They're all brilliant. And we have so much confidence in them. They're so professional. They're so friendly. So that's great. Anyway, we came off on a real high. It had gone really well. The audience seemed to enjoy it. We were relieved. We were happy. We said we did a meet and greet. That was fun. Then we went straight to Starbucks. and I had a huge coffee. What a mad thing to do at something like six o 'clock at night after a huge adrenaline rush. So I had this big coffee, went back to my flat, walked through the front door and literally thought I was going to add the shakes.

15:48And so I had to drink two massive glasses of water, eat some bread, sit down and try and get rid of some of this energy that I had. So that is really tiring on your body. Yeah. We had some lovely visitors, though. We've had rosebud listeners coming to see us. Oh, yes. We want to do a shout-out for some people who've come. Because what we're doing at the end of every show, if you are coming to see us in Edinburgh, and we're here till the end of the month, immediately after the show, we were standing by the theatre. But I'm pleased to say the management felt that too many people came to say hello.

16:17So will you please go and stand by your poster out in the street? So we're standing by a big poster picture. You'll recognise us, because we look like slightly older versions of the people in the poster. That's true. So that's where you'll find us. And we're really enjoying meeting people. Yeah, come and get a selfie. Taking selfies. And it's quite fun. So who do you want to shout out to? Well, just a few people that we've met who've made a special journey to come and see us. And it's been so lovely to meet people. I mean, sure, there are lots of others that I'm not going to mention, but it's been so nice to meet listeners and to hear that you've enjoyed yourselves.

16:51And it gives us a lot of pleasure. And we're really, really grateful to you. So first of all, I want to say hello again to Dougie and Aileen Alsop. And Aileen was the person whose 80th birthday it was in our first show, and we gave her a shout out. We did, and she sat in the very front row. It was lovely to see her. Lovely, yeah. And Dougie, I think, was really pleased that we could do that. And he put a lovely post all about it on Rosebud Reflections, which, by the way, you should join. If you're a Facebook member, join Rosebud Reflections, the group, because there's lots of updates. I did a big update on it about our first day and I'll carry on trying to update everyone with how it's going.

17:29And there's just some lovely things on there from other Rosebud listeners. I also wanted to say hi to Laura Jinks and Evie who came to see the first show. And Evie gave us some guest recommendations. She said to us, why don't we have the cast of ghosts on Rosebud or some of the people from Ghosts? Because she was a big fan of ghosts. she was a teenager and that's a really popular show and my kids loved that show so I thought that was a good suggestion it was really nice to meet them we met someone called Val I think who used to live in Totnes in Devon so we had a connection and she had this amazing document in her pocket which she showed us it was about six or seven pieces of A5 notepaper upon which she'd written in hand all of the episodes of rosebud so far she'd written them all out all the names in a very nice elegant hand yeah blue ink and though she knew that she could actually go to our website rosebudpodcast.co.uk where everything is listed with a description by you of each show she wanted to have it in her handbag so that she could be on the bus yeah and think what am i in the mood for and then in her own handwriting just look through these pages and think oh yeah i want to meet alison hammond she'll make me laugh such a good idea very good idea because a few people email in and say oh it's rather difficult to search for old episodes because there are so many and i think it can be a bit bamboozling when you look on your phone and you're scrolling down there's all these episodes so if you've got the time you can do what val did which is to write them out now do you remember the danish family we met oh they were so stylish well they were so stylish it turns out they are family members of the rosebud family if you want to belong to the rosebud family this is a thing where we do a we do an extra show on a sunday and uh it's ad free extra on a sunday and you simply go to is it patreon.com forward slash rosebud patreon p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com forward slash rosebud and you can become a family member this really unique family and they did look unique they were a mum and a dad and two children they looked so stylish and so different to everyone else and as soon as they said we're from Denmark I thought of course you are they were just so well dressed all had wonderful spectacles on and they looked fabulous they did they looked fabulous they did look fabulous anyway but wasn't that nice Danish So they're Rosebud family members.

20:07They explained, we are part of your family. Oh, wonderful. It's so impressive the way people from Nordic countries speak English that's almost more beautiful than ours. Oh, they really do. I tell you what, I'm just impressed by how all the members of the Rosebud family are sort of top-notch people, Giles. I mean, it's not surprising, but they really are. It's like a sort of elite club of some of the best people out there. Now, one thing, speaking of elite clubs, One of the advantages of being here on the Fringe as a performer is that we have been given access to a variety of bars, haven't we? Oh.

20:42Well, yes. I've only been to one. Well, I've only been to one with you, but I've been to the others in the past. And I'm looking forward to taking you to... You don't drink, Giles. No. Though, I've had my first ever non-zero-zero beer. It was, I think, a Heineken. Yeah. I really liked it. Oh, beer. So refreshing. It was so refreshing. And then last night, I had another one last night, and then you hurried me away. I was still drinking it. Did I? Yeah. Yeah. You say, come on, come on. I need to eat, I need to eat, I need to eat. Come on, come on. And I clearly had half a glass. I'm cutting this bit then.

21:10No, we're not cutting this bit. Honestly, I want to explain to listeners. I'm cutting anything like this. Let me just explain to our listeners, and you can decide when you hear this back whether you want to cut it or not, that Harriet is the editor. She is the producer of the show, and I trust her. And I trust her to get the balance right. And I want her to leave enough flavour of what really goes on, because that interests people, the reality of what really goes on. Anyway, what's really going on in Edinburgh is we are exhausted, but we're having a wonderful time because it's also nice going to these clubs afterwards that are for the artists.

21:47And there's a fellow feeling, isn't there? Yes. You meet other people who also are still giving out the flyers, are still exhausted, you know, all that's going on. And there is a real, I think it's a really democratic world, the world of entertainment. People of all ages, you know, very young people, very old people, people with, you know, who are sumo wrestlers and people who are, well, we met up with Rosie Jones, a comedian I've worked with on QI the other night at one of these bars. All human life is there and we're all hugging each other, saying, well, we're here and we're doing it. So that's why the air, as well as being full of seagulls, is full of love.

22:30Oh, that is nice. I've got one last shout out to some people who emailed in to say that they're flying up to see the show just for the purpose of seeing the show. They're flying up for a day from East Sussex. Oh, you're going to say Rio. No, but I thought that was impressive. Have they got an air and plane? No, they're going from Cobra. I think they go to Stansted. They stay the night at Stansted. They fly up to Edinburgh. They see our show. They go back home. I mean, dedication. Unification, Giles. The people from Denmark flew in just to see our show. They did not. Yes, they said we are family members.

23:08That is why we have come to see your show. Oh, my goodness. It's so humbling. It is humbling, particularly when you've seen the show. We better do a good job, Giles. We're going to do a great show again today. Also, I'm loving it because we are the only show on the Fringe that doesn't take a day off. I didn't let... Are we the only show? Yes. I didn't let Harriet know this before when we do the book. I said, no, no, we always do. Which we do. I always do every day of the Fringe, but every other show takes a day off a week. A day off a week? Yeah, they all take one day off a week. That's four days off?

23:41Yes, they all take a day off a week. But we don't. I really want a day off. You don't need it. You need your public. I do. I haven't had a day off for about three weeks. Or three years. Because you've been doing Rosebud. I'm so tired. I know you are. On stage, you don't look it. Can I say the years fall away, the bags under the ice disappear. We've got very good lighting. I have to tell you. Oh, my goodness. Do you want to do an email or should we go straight into the dowries? I think we should go straight in because we've been going on for quite a long time. But I love chatting. It's fun. No, you surprise me.

24:13I'm trying to learn to be quiet too. I try to have quiet moments. Do you? When you're asleep? The other night. Now, we went out for supper one evening to a lovely vegetarian restaurant that's still good called David Ban here in Edinburgh. Lovely. And I was challenged by my granddaughter and her friend Annie, who is here. They're both 19. And by Harriet to shut up for a minute. To do a sponsored, we thought you should do a sponsored silence. Yes. So I thought I will do an hour. They didn't realise that because they mentioned I was going to do an hour. And I couldn't tell them I'm now doing an hour because I'd gone silent.

24:51I wondered why it lasted so long. It lasted an hour. I didn't speak for an hour. How did you find it? Okay. I could certainly do it. Yeah. I could certainly do it. But it's a shame if you've got things to contribute. Also, possibly things to correct. Because I heard other people saying things that weren't quite right or telling a story that didn't have quite the payoff I hoped for. But it would be a fun item for this morning or something. Giles Brandreth is quiet. I think that would be fun. Yeah, but that's only for a few minutes. Yeah. Something sponsored you want to go for hours. Like my longest ever after a speech.

25:2524 hours. 12 and a half hours. Oh, 12 and a half hours. Okay. Shall we go to the diaries now? Yeah. And we're back in 1978. Not quite 50 years ago. Monday, the 24th of July, 1978. On Start the Week on Radio 4, who did I meet? Desmond Wilcox, Sheridan Morley, Kenneth Robinson, Barry Norman, Diana Quick and me. Then, a driving lesson. We're getting there. Then, the bodily head proofs. I've done them. Then Mrs. Parr, my secretary Useful session Family, all's well Bennett, back from his weekend away With my parents in broadstairs and happy Nina, the nanny, enveloping Scythrid in love Afra, our newborn, is lovely And the nights are fine, but it's early days But the news of the hour is this Mrs Windler is going to agree to sell us the house next door.

26:27Numbers 1 and 2 Camp and Hill Gardens will then make one huge detached whole house and we will no longer have noisy neighbours. But can we afford it? Or must we move to a detached house elsewhere? At least now we have an option. Hooray! Sunday 27th August 1978 Today, we took Bennett by underground to Tooting to ride Tonka his pony. It was Bennett's first underground trip. He took it entirely in his stride. I love the London Underground. It is, I suppose, where I have spent much of my life. I remember revising for A-levels, spending days going round and round on the circle line, reading and re-reading my notes, and getting off at Paddington every time I reached it to reward myself with a cup of tea.

27:20Tonka is looking well. And according to Sister Hester, Bennett is a natural rider with a good seat. The sun is shining. I love London in August when everyone is away, just as I love working when everyone is on holiday. But Michelle says, why aren't we in Italy? That's where the sensible people are. Certainly, today, that's where the action is. In Turin, the shroud displaying Christ's features has just gone on display for the first time in 45 years. In Rome, they have elected a new pope, John Paul I. Apparently, he was swiftly chosen. God was in the mood to be decisive. There's plenty about it in today's paper, but nothing about the ritual that intrigues me.

28:09As I understand it, since the unfortunate election of Pope Joan around the year 850, to ensure that no further female imposter slips through the net. Every newly elected Pope is required to sit on a raised ringed stool, robed but sans underwear, while cardinals pass beneath him, gazing upwards, each one declaring,

28:35I do hope it's true. Is that true? I believe it is true. It's a great story, isn't it? because there was this pope called Pope Joan who was a girl who managed to become pope because they were very young popes once upon a time. And she, you know, looked like a boy, became an elected pope. And then they discovered she was a girl. Crumbs. And yeah, crumbs indeed. You can't cope with a girl pope. No. Though I've always had a bit of a girl pope fantasy. That's neither here nor there. And so this ritual was started where, you know the thing they're carrying them on? I forget what it's called. Yeah, yeah.

29:09But there are four sort of Swiss guards who carry the pope on a catafalque. and it just had a sort of see-through bottom to the chair and they would peer up and they would repeat, well, testiculose habit at Bene Pendentes. No. I don't need to translate that. Is this the scene in that film Conclave? I haven't seen the film with Ralph Fiennes. No. Hey, you see more than you bargained for. Yeah. But is it? I don't know. I've not seen the film either. Is that what the film's about? I don't think it is necessarily, but it will be quite fun. No wonder it was such a hit. Do we want to have him as a guest?

29:44what's he called the pope no no we do want the pope as a guest i very much want the pope the present pope as a guest and he's american yeah so he'd be brilliant he'd be brilliant yeah i will drop a line to the vatican you know i did once interview the pope's exorcist yes you mentioned that that's very interesting it is very interesting and one of the things i hope we can do next year is i've got a lot of these conversations on tape we might re-edit them so that we can actually because he did exorcism with me. And by the end of it, I was convinced. What, he exorcised you? He showed me the ritual of exorcism, what it involves, which was very intriguing.

30:23And he spoke Latin too. He said, oh yes, it's the vernacular there. You know, the devil speaks very good Latin. Oh, the devil speaks Latin, does he? Yeah, so if you want to chat to the devil, brush up your Latin, start. Anyway, on we go. Thursday the 21st of September 1978. I'm in bed with grass... I was going to do a joke here. This is the joke I was going to do. I'm in bed with gastroenteritis. I love a Greek girl. I was going to say something like that. Were you? Yeah, but I couldn't quite think of the payoff. But it was a girls, yeah, a joke about girls. Ridiculous. Aren't I ridiculous? Did you used to like...

31:05This is us being on the fringe. Just as a side, aside. side um did you used to like asterix yes that's the sort of name they would give one of their yes female characters i bet there is a character in asterix called gastroenteritis yeah i'm in bed with gastroenteritis i'm never ill but today i am it struck at 2 a.m i feel like death and i fly to new york on saturday i've been getting up at 5 a.m to finish the words book i've been having daily driving lessons. We had the excitement of Bennett's first full day at school. He looked so grown up in his slightly too large school uniform. I took a photo of him on the doorstep, looking very serious, holding his satchel and his lunchbox.

31:49Yesterday was too much. Up at five, finishing the words book, lunch with Gail Rebuck, jabba jabba jabba, interview with Nursery World, jabba jabba jabba, photograph for over 21 grin grin grin then collapse i will be fine but i feel grim i'm reading the last chronicle of barset for comfort novel by trollope i love you like troll yeah friday the 22nd of september 1978 this afternoon packing my case for the flight to America tomorrow, I dug out my passport and, to my horror, discovered that it had expired. Oh, no. By underground and on foot, running all the way, I reached St. James's Park Station at 4.27pm and the passport office at Petit France at 4.29.

32:42As I reached the doors, they were being closed. Sorry, sir, we're closed now until Monday. But I need my passport renewed. Sorry, sir, but I must have my passport renewed. I must. Sorry, sir, we're closed. Suddenly, exhausted and overwhelmed, I burst into tears. I need my passport. I must go to New York tomorrow. My mother has died. Within 40 minutes, I had the new passport in my hand. I perjured myself. On the form they gave me, I declared my mother's date and place of death as 21st of September, 1978, Brooklyn, New York. To secure my American visa, at 6pm, I repeated the whole exercise, tears and all, at the United States Embassy in Grosvenor Square.

33:32May God and my mother forgive me. If she dies tonight, I shall feel guilty indeed. Giles. Well, sometimes you've just got to get that passport, haven't you? Sometimes you have, but I do realize I did actually purge myself because it's an official document. You know, I lied about the death of my mother. My mother happily didn't die for many, many years. She lived to be 96 years of age. But there you go. I got to New York.

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34:42We all belong outside. We're drawn to nature. It calls to us. Whether it's the recorded sounds of the ocean we doze off to, or the succulents that adorn our homes, nature makes all of our lives richer, calmer, and frankly, better. Despite all this, we often go about our busy lives removed from it. But the outdoors is closer than we realize. With AllTrails, you can discover trails nearby or trails worth traveling to and explore confidently with offline maps and on-trail navigation. Whether you're looking for a laid-back walk with family or something more adventurous to get your heart pumping, AllTrails gives you the tools you need to get out there and find your outside.

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36:07grocery trip and feel more confident about your choices.

36:14Saturday, 30th September, 1978. I'm writing this at JFK Airport, waiting to board BA Flight 176, scheduled to depart at 2200 hours. When I get home, I shall speak of the trip as a triumph, but in truth, it's been pretty much a disaster. Why did I come? To promote the great big funny book, my first children's book to be published in the US. What did I expect? To be the star guest on the Dick Cavett show and wow the nation, I suppose. In fact, the highlights of my tour were as follows. One, guesting on the Joey Adams radio show. Mr. Adams is very old and very famous and apparently very funny. Certainly he thought so.

36:59My book of jokes was a splendid opportunity for him to retell many of his. In the ten minutes I was on air, I reckon he spoke for eight. At least, I was broadcasting from 1500 Broadway. Two, the Harry Schneebaum hour. I made the pilgrimage to I know not where. I got into a cab and gave the driver the address. Forty minutes later, I arrived somewhere north of Central Park. I found where I was going, a dilapidated apartment block. A decrepit hall porter directed me to the 18th floor. I found the apartment. On the front door, which was a jar, was a piece of paper bearing the words, The Harry Schneebaum Hour, Come Right In.

37:43I entered a cavernous, dimly lit room. There was very little furniture, but in the far corner, an elderly man wearing earphones was seated at a table, fiddling with spools of tape and an antiquated tape recorder. I'm Harry Schneebaum, he called out croakily. Welcome to the show. It turns out he makes a bi-monthly tape of interviews with authors and sends them personally by post to three radio stations in the Midwest who transmit them in the middle of the night. Three. And today, my one and only TV show. Okay, it was a morning show on a channel no one appears to have heard of, but at least it was television.

38:27if a long way out of town. The taxi took an hour and the welcome was disappointing. At reception they had no idea who I was or why I'd come. Eventually someone emerged from the back and said oh sorry you're here but we cancelled you. We called your publicist. You're cancelled. Haven't you heard? The Pope has died. Suddenly I heard myself saying I know. That's why I've come. I was in Rome recently, and I met him. The guy went berserk. You met the Pope? Within the hour, I was on air, with a nun, an academic, and the Cardinal Archbishop of New York. They did all the talking. I was just brought in at the end.

39:12I told my story, ridiculous, absurd, every word of it a fabrication. And as the host leant towards me, clearly urging me to finish, I rounded off my hysterical spiel with this. Pope John Paul was a lovely man, a happy man. He had laughter in his soul. The world saw that. And I have a feeling that when he gets to heaven he will be going straight to the celestial bookstore and ordering this. And here I held my tome up to the camera. The Great Big Funny Book by Giles Brandreth. Crumbs. Crumbs. Shameless, Giles. Shameless. shameless, the hysteria. I was very young. I think maybe there was a kind of manic element to me at that stage.

39:58Do you think so? Maybe. Anyway. Well, you did some good PR for your book. Did it sell well in America? The joy of this book is that it's still in print somewhere. Wow. It's gone on and on and on. It was brilliantly illustrated. It was a great big funny book. There were jokes of every kind, beautifully illustrated, and I was very proud of it. And it stood the test of time. Even the jokes are acceptable today. Oh, great. Well done, Charles. It was a happy experience. And I hope it, if there is a library in heaven, it's certainly a good book to have. And that Pope who died. Pope John Paul I. Yeah.

40:31And he, his papacy only lasted 33 days. I mean, he was famous for the delight he took on his election and he was immediately nicknamed and Il Papa del Sorriro, the smiling Pope. Anyway. So why did it last, he died? He died. And there's still a controversy surrounding the cause of his death, given officially at the time as a heart attack. But there are people who think maybe there was more to it than met the eye. I think there have been novels written about it since. But that's why I felt able to do the thing about him getting the book out in heaven, because he was known as the smiling Pope. So I'd seen, which was true, Michel and I had been in Rome and we had seen him.

41:07So I hadn't actually met him, but I felt I'd met him. Poor him. Yeah, poor him. Well, I saw Pope Francis just before he died. It's not the Roosevelt effect, is it? I hope not. No, I went to Rome last January, and I went to the square and saw him appear at his balcony. Yeah, and it was very exciting. Oh, it's lovely, isn't it? And he died about four or five weeks later. Oh. Yeah. Gosh, Giles. Do you know, we've got quite a lot in common. I think we should make sure we don't go to Rome too often. But we want to meet this Pope. We don't want to kill him. Oh, I don't know. What? We might go viral.

41:45If it was the last interview he gave. Il Papa, rather, he's American. He might be a rosebud person. Yes, we don't want to kill you. We just want to chat to you about your life and your first memories. That's exactly. I'm going to take this seriously. I'm actually going to do the emails about that later today. Yeah. Shall I go on? Yes, please. Friday the 20th of October, 1978. Horrible experience. I spoke at a lunch at the Savoy and I misjudged it. The event, a celebration of 50 years of women's suffrage, sponsored by the Publicity Club of London and Cosmopolitan magazine. I tried to be funny. I was funny.

42:25I talked about the emancipation of women and then teased Cosmopolitan, Cosmo, for its obsession with sex, men and the way we look now. The audience across the room laughed heartily. The ladies at the top table did not. Una McDonald, Labour MP, scowled. Deirdre McSharry, Cosmo editor-in-chief, wept. Anna Rayburn, advice columnist, spoke after me and tore me to shreds. As I left, no one said goodbye. I tried to apologise to Deirdre McShally, but she turned her head away. Rayburn snarled. I've just been walking round Holland Park with Michelle to try to get over it, but my stomach is still churning.

43:10Michelle says there's a lesson here. They are paying you, so don't try to be clever. Just give them what they want. She's right, and I will. I know it is the secret. Listen carefully to your audience and then play them back to themselves. Tomorrow I go to Birmingham to do one of my stints for West Midlands Gas. Rather more my cup of tea. Ooh, Giles. Sunday the 5th of November 1978. We have to make a decision. We know we need a detached house. We cannot live with neighbours ever again. Even if they're quiet, there's now always a sense of apprehension. when will the noise start. We have a choice.

43:55We can either buy the house next door, joining up the gardens and knocking through on some of the floors, or we can buy a detached house. We've now seen several. 11 St Mary Abbots Place, a country house in Kensington. 13 Dawson Place, my favourite I think. 80 Addison Road, but it's a 61-year lease, etc. We're just in from viewing something in Abbotsbury Road, priced at£395 ,000 but worth£195 ,000 max. That's the horror of it, the prices. The world is going to rack and ruin inflation, strikes, national collapse, but the housing market doesn't seem to have got the message. What do we do? We can't sit put.

44:42Later, happy lunch at McDonald's, followed by unhappy trawl through the whole of central west and south London in search of frigging fireworks. None to be found, not one. Well, a wretched Catherine wheel, two Roman fountains and a packet of sparklers. Michelle said, I did ask you to get the fireworks a week ago. Do I have to do everything?

45:14Hey guys, it's Mary from Two Judgy Girls. This episode is sponsored by Aerie. If you're counting down the minutes until you take your bra off when you get home, it's probably the wrong bra. Or if the straps are digging into your shoulder or you're constantly adjusting throughout the day, it's definitely time to get a better fit. That's why we love Aerie. Their bras are designed to be the essential effortless first layer with soft fabrics, great fits, and up to 59 sizes, so you can find the one that's right for you. Your bra should be holding you in, not holding you back. Visit Aerie.com to find the right bra for you.

45:50That's A-E-R-I-E dot com. Ready to experience something new? All Trails helps you find your next hike. Whether you're looking for something nearby or planning a trip, read reviews from real people like you to choose your trail and know what to expect. You can also download the map in case service gets spotty. Plan and experience your next hike with AllTrails, the app for exploring the outdoors. Download it today and find your outside. Hi, this is Monica Reinagle of Nutrition Diva. Today's show is sponsored by Nature Raised Farms. Grocery shopping can be a little overwhelming, especially if you're reading labels.

46:36And in my opinion, chicken shouldn't be complicated, which is why I appreciate Nature Raised Farms. It's chicken that's just chicken. And their lightly breaded chicken nuggets are free from gluten, dairy and soy. Look for Nature Raised Farms on your next grocery trip and feel more confident about your choices.

46:5817th December 1978 St James, Barbados, West Indies I should report that it is perfect here Others may prefer Sandy Lane but we are very content with the Miramar Beach Hotel This is our kind of luxury Intense but not excessive and they make the children very welcome I'm sitting in the shade on the quiet side of the bar by the pool with a pre-prandial rum punch at my side. It does grow on you. I've just finished the Sunday Advocate News. It seems the island has been threatened with invasion by international bandits. We hadn't noticed. We've not emerged from the hotel compound. And the Prime Minister, Mr Tom Adams, assures us that he will not bend to blackmail and is ready to repel borders.

47:48So that's all right then. I have to say, everything here is very much all right. The brilliant sunshine, the dazzling sea, the friendly staff, the fabulous food. Some of our fellow guests leave a touch to be desired, but I suppose East London jewel thieves do have to go somewhere for their holidays? Seriously, some of the folk here do look pretty sinister, and the vulgarity quotient is pretty high. There's a lady in the pool at this moment who keeps telling anyone who will listen that she's a close personal friend of the Governor of St Lucia. And the governess, of course. However, Mr Diefenbaker, lately Prime Minister of Canada, is also a fellow guest and very amiable.

48:33I sent Bennett and Scythrid past his deck chair to trip over his feet to effect an introduction. I can now say that I've shaken the hand that shook the hand that wrote The 39 Steps. Is that right? Oh, it is right. Because John Diefenbaker, he was Canada's, I think, 13th Prime Minister. And John Buchan, who became Baron Tweedsmuir, who was the author of 39 Steps, was Governor General of Canada and will have met John Diefenbaker. So by shaking hands with John Diefenbaker, at one remove, I've shaken hands with John Buchan, who wrote the 39 Steps. Woo-hoo! Hey! I know I'm ridiculous. Do you think we get on well on holiday, you and me?

49:20We only ever work together. We've never been on holiday. I can't imagine you on holiday, Giles. You won't even let me have a day off from the Edinburgh show. No, that is true. But this is because it's like being on holiday, being in Edinburgh, doing a show just once a day. We are on holiday. But do you think we'd cope well? I don't know. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, we might give it a try one year. Let's do it. It won't be immediate because I want us to do five good full years first and then we might take a holiday. Oh, wow. Five days off. A day a year of your service to Rosebud will give you a holiday.

49:51Okay? Right. Because that's fun. So this means we're going to carry on working now. There'll be another episode this Friday. Have you got a good guest coming on Friday? I think we have. We've got Maggie Adairin. I have to say I cried watching it. Yeah, it's so… Because you watch it because we're not on YouTube as well. Yeah, I watched the edit of it. And it's a brilliant episode. Dame Maggie Adair. What a brilliant, interesting, inspiring person she is. Gosh. And we don't have enough scientists. No, we need to have more. But, yeah, so interesting. And actually we're going to record one or two episodes while we're up here.

50:30I'm trying to persuade the great violinist Nicola Benedetti, who is also the artistic director of the International Festival here in Edinburgh, to be a rosebud guest. Woo-hoo. Which would be quite exciting. Yeah. Because she was a bit of an infant prodigy. Yeah, my daughter Belle would like that. Oh, fantastic. Because she plays the violin. And you know, Nicola Benedetti once played the lark ascending for me on a hillside in Worcestershire. But that's by the by. Yeah. So, we've got some exciting episodes coming up. If you want to join us on a Sunday ever, all you need to do is join the Rosebud family.

51:07To do that, you go to patreon.com forward slash rosebud. You can follow us, well, on YouTube, wherever you get your podcasts. You can find our own website by simply going online to rosebudpodcast.co.uk. So anyway, from Harriet and me at the W Hotel in Edinburgh, thank you very much for being with us. Oh yeah, shout out to the W Hotel. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Giles, that's where you're staying, isn't it? It is, it's where I'm staying. It's a Marriott Hotel, is it? It's a sister hotel of Grosvenor House in London, which is the natural home of Rosebud. It's an extraordinary building. It looks like a peeled orange.

51:46It's a controversial building. Some people adore it. It's won prizes. Other people don't because it does look a little bit like a peeled orange. What they say it is, it's a festival flourish going up in the air. It's like a festival flag. Yeah, it's pretty amazing. You can see it from all over Edinburgh. Anyway, we're enjoying life here. We're loving being in Edinburgh. If you're anywhere nearby, we're here till the end of the month, every day at four o 'clock. And happily, we are setting out most days, but there's still lots of tickets for, you know, coming weeks. Yeah, please come. Do, please come.

52:20And say hi to us. Afterwards, we're there outside the theatre. Buy our poster. You will recognise us. We look vaguely like slightly older versions of the people on the poster. Speak for yourself. I do speak entirely for myself. Harriet at all times looks younger than springtime. Wearing a lot of mascara today. you don't normally wear this much makeup gosh face is a bit cake I really like the natural look okay that's it bye for now cue the music

53:14Thank you.

53:46Hey guys, it's Mary from Two Judgy Girls. This episode is sponsored by Aerie. If you're counting down the minutes until you take your bra off when you get home, it's probably the wrong bra. Or if the straps are digging into your shoulder or you're constantly adjusting throughout the day, it's definitely time to get a better fit. That's why we love Aerie. Their bras are designed to be the essential effortless first layer with soft fabrics, great fits, and up to 59 sizes so you can find the one that's right for you. Your bra should be holding you in, not holding you back. Visit Aerie.com to find the right bra for you.

54:22That's A-E-R-I-E dot com. Hi, this is Monica Reinagle of Nutrition Diva. Today's show is sponsored by Nature Raised Farms. grocery shopping can be a little overwhelming, especially if you're reading labels. And in my opinion, chicken shouldn't be complicated, which is why I appreciate Nature Raised Farms. It's chicken that's just chicken. And their lightly breaded chicken nuggets are free from gluten, dairy, and soy. Look for Nature Raised Farms on your next grocery trip and feel more confident about your choices. This Monday.com ad was created by a team of people and AI agents. Reese, our content agent, wrote the copy based on our best practices, like mentioning monday.com three times.

55:06That was the second. Johnny, our coordination agent, built the timeline and kept everyone aligned. Olivia, our human creative director, stayed in the loop because agents are great, but they don't always know when a joke lands. She had one note, tell listeners it only takes minutes to build an agent. So, minutes. Create your own AI agent today on monday.com.