155: Pete's back and Sam has gossip...

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2:03Why have we got a fucking Christmas trap? It's November. Yes! There we go. It might be the tinsel actually that's not doing the lighting for. Maybe it's the tinsel Pete. Or it could be the ballroom. It's not even a good trade. Welcome to Staying Relevant, the podcast hosted by Two best friends back together after a week off. It's me, Sam Thompson, and Peter, James, Jonathan, Joseph, Wicks, everybody. Come on. And before we get started, just would love to know if you would like to enter some shenanigans with us both. A little bit of tomfoolery, if you will. Maybe a couple of silly billies are going to be here today.

2:43What is he doing now? Do you like to be a silly Billy today Peter? They'll be swearing if you don't like it go f*** yourself this is a main episode which means it's Monday so you'll be able to watch it on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel on Wednesday from 5pm and then we'll be doing a bonus episode which comes out on a Thursday which you can watch on a Sunday on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel so that means you can catch us on a Monday Wednesday Thursday Sunday Nice Rate review all of that f***ing crap right let's get back to your tomfoolery you bollocks. Well, it turns out that Pete, as it, well, maybe not going into the jungle.

3:22Pete did just turn his phone off and, and he, and he is still in the UK. So if you're going out, the big guy, you need to, you need to hurry up a little bit. Before we get onto that, what was the weird tomfoolery at the start? Just want to enter some shenanigans today, if that's okay. Be a couple of silly billies. Because you've all, because I've been gone for a week, I feel like you've all prepared loads of little things. fucking things for me to try and fucking catch me out and trick me. Catch me out. All right. And it ain't going to fucking happen today. Just want a bit, just want a couple of shenanigans from you if that's okay.

3:59What have I missed? Absolutely nothing. We thought you were going in the jungle at one point. Who thought I was going into the fucking jungle? We all thought that you might be going into the jungle. You turned your phone off. Everyone was very worried. And so there may be a rumour that may have been started by me. I don't know. Maybe all over TikTok. That you may or may not be a late entry into the jungle. Turns out you're not. I was in East London. And Devon. And Devon. It's not quite the Outback. No, I'm not in the jungle. I'm not planning on going to the... Could still go. Hasn't it started?

4:43Yeah, but there's still some later rivals to come. I'm not one of them. Okay. Oh, he's not one of them. Is he or isn't he? You never know. Is this what happens when I'm off for a week? This is why I don't take time off. What's happened to you all? You've all fucking lost the plot. Maybe this episode's pre-recorded before he left. Oh, my God. Don't give it away. Sorry. It ain't pre-recorded. Pete said his favourite was Angry Genge Who the fuck is that? Who's who? Angry what?

5:22It's either going to be you or Ruby Wax

5:28Who do you prefer? Angry Genge or Ruby Wax? I know Ruby Wax is Yeah So her I don't What? What's going on? Our listeners even started a hashtag. Where is Pete? It was trending on TikTok while you were gone. Where is Pete was trending on TikTok. We thought we'd lost you to the out, to either to I'm a celeb or deaf. Again. Yeah. I just, I just had a couple of days off guys. I didn't go to Australia and I'm not dead. This isn't pre-recorded. Yeah, well you do, is it? And as far as I'm aware, I'm alive. So where is Pete? He's here. In the fucking studio. But could be about to fly somewhere soon. Where?

6:18I'm not going to Australia. You're going to Australia. We're going to Australia. I'm fucking not going to Australia. Not again. Not after fucking last time. You must be joking. You've got absolutely fucking no chance. Once was enough, my friend. Once was enough. I will not be going to Australia. So why have you started a room with, I'm dead? No one could get a hold of you. Pippa had only exposed you on Tuesday. And then no one could, you just went off grid. It's just seven days. Seven scary days. Everyone knew that I was going to have. We were very worried. I was scared. I was actually scared.

6:50I would wake up and go, ah! I was nervous. I was terrified. This is the first week I've had off in two years. Yeah, we don't like it. We do not like it, sir. And I don't know what's happened to you all. I got the shivers on a Wednesday. And you know when sometimes you feel like you're sort of like, because you're so interconnected with somebody that like your energies are aligned and your chakras are there and something's happened to the other one person. So you feel it. Sam, I love you, man, but energies have never been aligned. They are, they are. And I woke up, I not even woke up, it was just on Wednesday.

7:18I went, ooh. I went, oh fuck, something's wrong with Pete. I fell in my sphincter. You felt that there was something wrong with me in your sphincter? I did, yeah. And I went, fuck, someone get a hold of Pete. Call Pippa straight away. Respond to Pete, is he okay? And what did you say? They said, yeah, he was okay on Tuesday when I spoke to him. But this was on a Thursday. So what did you think had happened in the two days? I'd got lost in Australia. I don't know, mate. This is the thing. I hadn't seen you on the jungle at that point. You hadn't arrived yet. Because I'm not going to the jungle.

7:50You're not going to see me on there at any point. So says you. Don't be tuning in just in case you catch a glimpse of me because I ain't going. I ain't there. I'm right here. All I want now is to see Pete in those red shorts and hiking boots. just like just coming through the bush hi guys Ginge how are you big guy hey nice to meet you talk to me about Ginge it's just one of the camp names why are we calling him that though his name is Angry Ginge oh don't be so fucking his name is Angry Ginge and they asked us actually if we wanted what do you mean his name is Angry Ginge I don't have their names on the back of their yeah he's called Ginge fuck off is he Ginger yeah like flaming red is he okay with that yeah you know he called it that's like putting old girl on the back of Ruby Wax's fucking top you can't do that

8:48he's called angry and H is H

8:53rapper H rapper H I knew you knew because we saw what the Brits wants and I did Pride of Britain oh yes not actually quite a nice guy not the guy from Steps Not the guy from Steps. He's not in the jungle, like me. Me and the guy from Steps are not in the jungle. As of now, Peter isn't there. They actually, so we asked, you know, if we could maybe sort of like interview Ginge afterwards because he's hot tipped to win the show. Save it for my next week off. Well, no, they said, you know, we can't do that as of now, but we could give you Taze. So we got offered Taze. We didn't get Ginge, we might get Taze.

9:33And what's a Taze? And there's also, he's part of Bev. He's part of Bov. Part of the Bov Coalition. Who's Bev, Bov and Taze? So Angry Ginge is part of a YouTube group called the Bov Boys. Why is he angry? Is it because his mates are called Bev, Bov and Taze? And he's got one of his best mates called Taze. So what am I, Angry Pete? Yeah, you're fucking, yeah. Well, hello. So, Angry Pete goes on a road trip with Angry Ginge. Is he angry? No, he's a nice guy, actually. I just saw a crime with him. So why is he not called a nice orange? I don't know what's happening. But do you want Taze? I don't know what that is.

10:15It's a guy. No, I'm trying. Do you want Taze from the Bov Boys? I'm good. I ain't bothered. Hey! No, I don't know. Do you not bother him? No. Do you? Oh, my God. I actually do like a bit of bovril. With meat in it, I thought. Yeah, good point. Oh, good old Taze. We might get Taze on you. When was the last time you had bovril? I have it at home. When? Oh, fuck off, Sam. When was the last time you sat and went, do you know what I fancy? A nice cup of bovril. Fucking all do like bovril, me. I do. Lucky's just one of the people. When have you ever had fucking bovril? I love a bovril. Maybe an eel pie.

10:54An eel pie. Right, this is because we did a photo shoot that's just come out in a pie and mash shop. All right? And we're speaking about jellied eels. The eels aren't in the pie. Oh, shit. They're jellied eels, and the eel juice makes up the liquor. Oh, right. You don't have an eel pie. I thought you did. I thought that's what we were going to have. Oh, thank you, Angel. Well, Pete, can I have a sip of your Lemsip? No, you cannot. Have a Bob rule. Okay. Right, so we're going to put a pin in Taze then. Fucking Christmas cups. But have we got Christmas cups already? Fucking hell. It's not even December and we've got Christmas cups.

11:27Actually, on that note, Pete, What do you think about the Christmas decorations? I fucking hate Christmas. You've got a pink tree. Yes. I mean, the ball balls are fine because they say fuck off and ****, but there's a pink tree. That tree's fucking awful. The tinsel's everywhere. There's more Jenny cats now.

11:46Are they dolls? Yeah, we've got some dolls. Got you on the broomstick. You missed you on the broomstick with the Death Eater. Clear this shit before I fucking, before the end of the day. What have you Why It's Christmas It's Christmas It's November Yeah but it's gonna be Christmas At some point soon Yeah December It's the same every year Yeah but everyone Just getting into the spirit Let me give you some of my spirit Have a bit of that That's some of my spirit

12:20Did you throw your spunk at Jamie? I didn't No Right So why is it okay for you doing me? That's a really good point I didn't actually do any Spider-Mans. No. You did ask where you were. He thinks you're going in the jungle. Because you told him he was. Right. I think we should move on from this. I'm just going to clear up a couple of things. I'm not going in the jungle. Yet. Neither is H from Steps. There is an H in there, along with a ginger fella who's quite angry. I don't know who Bev, Bob and Taze are, and I don't care. Christmas is shit. I don't like it. The decorations are crap. He's gone fucking weird.

12:58You're all mental. Let's move on. Okay, fine. To something you might quite like, seeing as you're dressed a little bit like an author, we're bestseller. Yeah. A Sunday Ties bestseller. Now, what was his reaction when you told him? Screaming, really happy. Over the moon. Think you were jumping around. Yeah, like a kangaroo. Was he actually? Yeah, genuinely. Oh, nice. Yeah. How do you feel being a Sunday Times bestseller? Well, if I'm honest with you. Has it changed you as a person? It actually has. Have you let it go to your head? No, I have. See, this is where it gets a bit dicey. I am going around calling myself a bestselling author now.

13:37I actually did it in a meeting I had yesterday. I said, yeah, you are looking at a bestselling author. And they went, what's it for? And I went, podcast book, saying relevance. And how did that go down? Went down very well. They went, congratulations. How many copies did you sell? I said, I don't know. and they were like what's the book about I'm not sure but we have the title and that is all that matters you didn't think we were going to do it I didn't think we were going to do it I mean we we scraped it by the skin of our teeth but we did make it mate how fucking jokes is that I mean it is quite funny you keep throwing them up and we keep batting them out of the park give us something next what next do you want us to fucking take down honestly we'll fucking Merk it we'll Angela Merkel it German Chancellor no I knew who it was I just didn't under fucking hell well actually have you fuckers had him in a cage or when you've just unleashed him today or what have you not been speaking to him or something have you all ignored him for a week and he's just he's fucking lost the plot this is I'm sorry I've actually this is an unbelievable segue from Angela Merkel from Angela Merkel to Keir Starmer we have our own Peter, James, Jonathan, Joseph who's interviewed the PM fucking you keep throwing him up and we just keep batting him out of the gate he's fucking suited a boot I think you're going for drinks later aren't you you're going for pints with the fucking PM later no I'm going to an evening at Downing an evening with an evening at Downing mate why am I not invited get me in there well I imagine because me and SK it's okay right got ya okay got ya fucking hell I imagine this is probably why you're not going just in case you were sort of in 10 down the street just batting them out the park and you know knocked over a priceless heirloom or something but yeah yeah it was fucking weird mate number 10 what's it like so you step inside walk me through the decor old Is it?

15:50Yeah, it's fucking huge as well, mate. I don't know why they call it an house. It ain't an house. Is it not? It was just a sort of standard. It was just a standard terrace house. No, mate, it's literally the whole terrace. So there's just, and it's all interlocking. There's fucking rooms everywhere. There's a fucking kitchen. There's people everywhere. There's like staff everywhere. Do you live there? Yeah. But I think there's obviously like private quarters, isn't there? But the rest of it is an office. The whole thing? Well, basically, there's just loads of staff there. Everyone's going to offices and working on things and whatnot.

16:22So we went into the drawing room. Oh, my God, did you draw? That's not what you do in a drawing room. What do you do in a drawing room? Drawing room is like for meetings and gatherings and stuff like that. You don't go in there to draw, I don't think. Everyone could just kindly meet in the drawing room. Oh, yeah, isn't it? It comes off the tongue nicely. Well, you must have grown up with a drawing room. No, we didn't. We had a living room. Is that where you had your bov-roll? I do love a bov-roll. But yeah, no, it was fucking weird, to be honest with you. What did you call him? Right, so you walk in, you meet at the PM, right?

16:55Siki, having a tough time at the moment as well. So he's probably more nervous than you are at this point. You walk in, you're shaking hands, you're hugging. Where are you at? I'm not a hugger, I say, am I? Okay, so you're... Why, as someone who's not a hugger, would I think, I'll tell you a time to try it out. PM. The PM. I don't know, mate. There's no better, there's kind of a top tier of hugging. Well, no, I met the staff and the aides and all the rest of it first and he was a little bit late. So then he called me down to his office. He called you in? So me and him sat in his office, just the two of us, a little bit before we did the pod.

17:31Gosh, you've just got a little bit of alone time with SK. Yeah, we just had a little chat. Then we went and did the pod. Listen to On Man Made, by the way, when it comes out. It's out on Friday. Out on Friday. But yeah, the whole thing was just a fucking, like that it's just weird the security to get in is worse than an airport really oh fucking hell yeah see any guns yes oh wow did you get a hold one no it's weird that isn't it well I don't know I would have probably asked to hold a pistol you reckon take a photo so you reckon the security at 10 Downing Street yeah so the guy that is you know supposed to be the top dog in the country yeah you reckon his security are just going to let you hold their loaded guns.

18:15And then you'd be like, oh, okay. And then you'd go, oh, gangster. What's he like as a human being? He was a nice guy, to be fair. He came across as quite a nice guy. Listen, we didn't, the whole thing, like, and the whole point of doing the pub, because everyone's going to get the fucking, you know, whether you vote for him, you didn't vote for him, whatever the fucking situation is, he's in charge. It wasn't, we didn't talk politics at all. Yeah. It was all to do with the whole mental health side of stuff. He spoke a lot about his family and his upbringing and, you know, whatnot. Yeah, so he came across as a nice guy.

18:47It was personal. It wasn't like a fucking... And so the man behind the politics is a decent bloke? Yeah, he seemed like a really nice guy. Sport football team? I didn't ask. Yeah, don't rate him then. Well, he might, Sam, I just didn't ask. Okay, fine, okay. Yeah, I didn't, it wasn't sort of on my... Okay, fine, well look, I will reserve judgment. I do know what his favourite colour is. What is it? I don't know, Sam, I didn't ask him what his football team was or his favourite colour. Harper's in. Baby Blue No I didn't I didn't I didn't ask him about his football team I'm sorry Do you know anything about him I mean obviously I don't give too much away from the pod but do you know anything about him that other people that people might be like oh I didn't know I didn't know how about Mr.

19:25Keir He has a visceral hate for the word thick Really? Thick So why is he not like that?

19:37You'll have to listen to the pod Oh Like, hey, here we go. But there is a reason for it. But no, it was a fucking wild experience. Have you ever been to 10 Downing Street? Never. Never in my life. I mean, this has been a big year for us, really. You've met the king. Did you call him? What did you call him? Because I called him... I didn't call him king. I called him... Well, I called him mate and then sir and then your majesty. So I sort of like built my way up to what he actually is, I suppose. Did you just start at the pinnacle or did you have to sort of build your way up as well? No, I just went in with prime minister.

20:07Hello, evening prime minister. Yeah. Yeah, nice one. Yeah, went for a solid handshake. Double-handed or just one? I did double-handed. Oh, nice. He went for the hand and shoulder. He went for the hand and shoulder? Yeah, yeah. I have a picture of it, actually. You do, you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you manage to get the Hugh Grant dance down the PM stairs? Unfortunately not. Can I get a shout-out from the Prime Minister? Where would you like the shout-out? Cameo? Well, just a video. You know, when people get asked to do video messages, I'd quite like one myself. You'd like a... That's your job. Your job for this pod for next week is to get me a video message to go, Hi, Sam, it's Keir Starmer here, the Prime Minister.

20:43Just wanted to say hello. You're going to have an amazing – you're going to have amazing Christmas. That's what I'd like, please. All right. I absolutely won't be doing that. No, please just try. Please. I'll have a real good go at it. I trust you with that. If it slips my mind, it slips my mind. I can be quite forgetful in my old age. Okay, fine. I'll have a – You can, but try. Yeah, it's out on Friday, but yeah. I'm now just a regular down the street. Well, he's wearing a pinny. Is this appropriate for Downing Street for sort of an evening, the pinstripe suit? I felt like it was pinstripe. Have you got a pinstripe suit?

21:15I don't actually, but you're making me want to buy one, baby. Yeah, I feel like you should get a little pinstripe number. Wouldn't mind. For next time you and Chaz. Me and the big Chaz. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, moving on. Strictly, very sad, Vicky's gone. I don't know. We're going to do it. Let's do it. Like, this is something that I didn't see coming at all. Now, I didn't watch it, Pete, but... Neither did I. From what I understand is... Yeah, but you were in the jungle. Vicky was top of the leaderboard the week before she left. Yes. So, and it was on her birthday, apparently, she got booed out. It was her birthday on Sunday, and yeah, she left on Saturday.

21:59Bloody Nora. Yeah, bit of a shock. Didn't see it coming, I imagine. She didn't see it coming, no. Do you know who she was up against? Yes, the person that's in the dance-off every week. But she's been in about five dance-offs and survived them all. Really? And then, yeah, yeah. So Vic stayed in. Sorry, Vic went out. She didn't stay in. How close to Blackpool was she? It's Blackpool this week. Oh! She really wanted to go to Blackpool. It's very sad. And then someone else has now dropped out. Does that mean she's going to come back in? No. It just means that that person can't dance because they're injured in Blackpool, so they just get a free ride to the week after.

22:36What, isn't that like the semis? No, there's a quarters. No, there's, I don't know. That's wild. Yeah, there's Blackpool, then there's another week, then there's the quarters. No, there's Blackpool, then there's another week, another week, a quarters, a semis. There's still about six weeks. It just fucking goes on forever, that show, doesn't it? Longest show in the world. But yeah, very, very sad. But she's done it and she's performed well. She got halfway through, didn't she? Yeah, over halfway. Over halfway. They're all dancers now. Yeah, mate, this is the thing. This is why I just don't think I can do it.

23:05They're all fucking dancers. They're all very good this year as well. Thank fuck I ain't doing it this year because I'd have looked even worse than I did last year. Yeah, you had Paul Merson. Fucking hell, thank God for that. Love Paul, but Jesus Christ because they are fucking shit hot this year, aren't they? Anyway, so that's it. Let's move on to you because I feel like this is important. I've quite enjoyed that. There's been a lot to discuss and dissect with Peter James. He's only gone a week. He's back and forth from Oz. He's seeing the PM. He's fucking strictly stuff. Yeah, let's move on to you because I feel like you're more at home here.

23:40All right? Okay. All right, what you got? You're back on this morning. Twice in a week. Twice in a week, which is why Sammy's run down and tired. He's had two mornings of work. Shove you the hill for ages. And he hasn't had his bubble roll. What have you been on this morning for? The jungle gossip. I've got my own. I've got my own shed. I've got my own shed on this morning that I stand in and give my... Why have you turned your head away, Pete? Why have you turned your head away? Why are you laughing at my jungle shed? I gave you a shed that I have. Yeah? And you've got trees. Didn't even get your seat in it, no?

24:20No, I just stand. You just stand in... Stand in my... So let me get this right. You're doing jungle gossip, stood in a shed. Yes. Okay. And just giving the... The update to what happened the previous evening. And are you doing this now every week? No, just Mondays and Tuesdays. Just Mondays and Tuesdays? Mondays and Tuesdays. So next Monday, presumably, the gossip will be Pete's not in the jungle. Well, we never know. You'll be able to shout it from the shed. He could be a late, late arrival. You don't know. I do, because I'm him. Okay, fair enough. And I know I'm not. Well, you can agree to disagree.

24:54Okay, so interesting. Is it nice to be back on this morning? It is very nice. Ben and Kat's in their best regards to you, by the way. Love Ben and Kat. And I had to do an eating challenge with Ben Shepard yesterday. Oh, do we class this as a promotion, the shed they've given you? Well, quite possibly, actually. We're not sort of going around the country anymore. We're in the studio. So you're in the studio, not quite to the sofa, but you are. Was on the sofa, actually. Was on the sofa, yeah, because we do showbiz. And also sat there with your favourite person, Mr. Jamie Lang, who came in and talked about his new book he's got coming out.

25:28which is always crying. Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. Always crying. Jamie, always crying. Yeah, so do you know what? I was thinking, is Jamie the new nemesis? You know, Roman's kind of, I don't know where he's at at the moment. He's sort of doing whatever. Well, he sort of surpassed you. Yeah, Roman's. He's so far ahead now. He's now doing Sky Sports, you know. You know what I mean? The one show. Yeah, exactly. He's doing his, Roman's miles away. I'm now looking at Jamie, I'm like, you're now an author yourself. You know, you've got a podcast, you've got a podcast company. Is this Jamie's first book?

26:02This is Jamie's first book. Oh, excellent. Yeah. So it really is, well, technically then you're his nemesis, not the other way around. That's a big point. Because you did achieve Sunday Times bestseller before him. That is true. So anyway, so talk me through this morning then, properly. Well, mate, do you know what? Is there anything else to do other than you were in a shed? I was in a shed. I basically give my I'm a Celeb updates, which I'm watching this year. I know you're not, but I'm watching it. It's a bit of a corker, actually. You know, you've got your angry Ginges, your H's, your Ruby Waxes, Jack Osborne.

26:34Who's your favourite? Osborne's son is in it. Oh, Jack Osborne. I've met Jack Osborne in New Zealand. Yeah, he's a nice guy. I don't know how well he's going to do. He was quite sweet. He obviously spoke about his dad, because his dad only died like four months ago. And so he was talking about that on camera to a lady called Lisa. And he was crying. Is Lisa part of the camp, or is Lisa just someone they brought in to talk to Jack? Lisa's part of the camp. Lisa is actually you know how they always sort of like they shoehorn in who the fuck is Lisa you can't just say Lisa and then Gary's in there Lisa from Emmerdale Lisa from Emmerdale you know how they always put a couple of soaps in there not to wash yourself with a couple of soap stars did we not put 50p in this morning so Lisa so Lisa from Emmerdale was Emmerdale yeah so Yorkshire Lisa Yorkshire Lisa do you know Lisa no No, I don't know.

27:27It's because they're from Yorkshire. I was like, but you know where she's from. But apparently she's a piece of soap. No, no, no, no, no, no. She's on a soap called Emmerdale. Now, who's your favourite? My favourite's probably H. Right, why? Because he's all Ruby Wax. Ruby Wax is you. See, if you were in the jungle with Ruby Wax, she's like a female version of Peter. She must be quite old now. She is, she's about 90. I remember Ruby Wax from being on the... She's not 90? I remember from being on the telly she was she's quite loud didn't she yeah oh she's 72 oh fuck me that is still quite old to be in a fucking jungle but mate she is like no shit's given Pete like she's like we'll just say exactly how it is people hate her at the start now they absolutely love her yeah she's I feel like and I only remember her from being on TV years ago one of them people I think she would aggravate the shit out of me no you'd love her I can see it going one way or the other either you find it really funny or it would no because she's quiet but when she speaks she's honest so she literally she didn't eat in trial did the whole thing was really good with it then got given a kangaroo tail and angry ginger did it with her was like you know she goes this food's fucking shit she was like I wouldn't have done it if I wouldn't have done it if I'd known I'd get a kangaroo tail and he goes yeah but you know everyone's happy she goes I don't fucking care she's like I wouldn't have eaten a fucking bollock if I knew I was getting this what was that a trial yeah she had to eat no they got given as a prize for getting 10 stars a kangaroo tail to eat.

28:56What? Yeah. Savage. What, so you go and eat a load of fucking kangaroo cock and then have his fucking, his fucking arse whip for dinner? I mean, Amy Jane actually had a crocodile anus. Was that a trial or was that a present? You could see the hole. Yeah. Well, talking of eating trials, you did one. I did. I spat all over fucking Cat Dealey. That was bad. How did she take that? Do you know what? She was really, really sweet about it. What did you spit at her? I was eating a water beetle. They're fucking enormous. Like that big. And it wasn't actually the taste. It was real water beetle. Yeah. But it was.

29:31You're not in the jungle anymore. This is what I said to Ben. I went, mate, there's no need to do this. I was like, we're not winning anything. And he was like, oh, come on. You know what he's like. It's quite competitive, Ben, isn't it? Mate, so competitive. He did. We had a cricket protein shake, downed it. He was like going, give me more. Give me more. And I was just like, fucking hell, mate. We're not winning anything. so Ben Shepard was going give me more like that and then you spat at Kat yeah that was the water beetle because it was so dry I had one of the legs itching my throat and it went was it alive no no no it was dead but it was just so it wasn't itching it was just in there just doing that as I was swallowing it the leg just brushed my gullet right and so it just came back up and it whizzed past her face god it's all fun and games on this morning it's just crazy was it You guys are mad.

30:22Which is crazy. Was that in the shed or was that? That was in the shed. That was in the shed. And that was not before, as I said, sat on the sofa talking about Jamie's new book. So I surprised him. We talked about mental health. We talked about you actually, Pete, as well. So the Pete's always there for me whenever I'm having a bad time. It was very, very sweet. Was this after you'd spat a water beetle at Catdini? This was before. I mean, how did we segue from a fucking, have a chew down on this? Go on, my mental health's bad. Yeah. Where was the segue there? I don't know. There were different parts of the show.

30:55Fucking hell. Matt's sticking around for the whole show these days. Oh, fucking. It is a promotion. I've herpes this morning. Honestly, you know, and like you get in there. Is that another segment? No, no, no. It's just an example. It's a metaphor, if you will. I've basically got, I've like burrowed myself into this morning and now they can't get rid of me. Well, they could, but then they're not yet. So it's a step in the right direction. It is. and then week after next I'm off to Australia. So who's going to look after The Shed? I don't know maybe Sian Welby. Oh I like Sian. Yeah maybe Sian Welby.

31:27Well look obviously Worky's going fabulously for you. You are back on this morning as one of the big dogs. You, your Shed and your water beetles. Yeah. Oh do you know what there was one more thing actually that I spoke about in The Shed. It was the fact that and I hope you don't mind this because I think this is very true. Lisa from Emmerdale said something very poignant actually in the jungle. She went to, she sat around camp. She goes, Dex, the kind of guy who tuck you into bed and that's the kind of guy who show you a good time. And I say, well, that's a bit like me and Pete. Which one am I?

31:58You're the one who's showing a good time. I'll tuck him in. You'd stay there.

32:08So I hope you don't mind. That was on this, on daytime TV.

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34:29Don't know how well it went down, but it went down. Did you explain it in that way? Yeah, I did. I'd tuck him in and he'd stay there. Just sort of lingering. Pete's the ant. Just watching after I've tucked you in. I've tucked you in left. Wheel in Pete. he's there for a good time wheeling me in again that was nice I don't think anyone knew really what to want to make of that one but you know when it goes a bit quiet I don't know what to make of you today I'm going to be honest with you are you I know you're not very well are you are you are you dosed up on I could be on the verge of death I'm not entirely sure I'm running on very very low fumes oh well listen there's a lot going on you've obviously been very busy at work which is we're going to get on to the most important part of the podcast now and that's building works have resumed.

35:19So, strap in. What have we gone for in the kitchen this time? Have resumed. We've gone for all. The builders were allowed a couple of weeks off for a holiday. They are now back at base. Back at base camp. The refurb ongoing has been for the past six years. What are they touching up this time? Done a whole kitchen refurb. Whole kitchen refurb. So, So the brand new kitchen that we had in two years ago, which was lovely, really, really lovely, really happy with, we've gone for a complete repub. What style have we gone with? Have we gone with marble counters or are we changing the marble? The marble's still there.

35:56So the island's still there. But we have gone for oak doors now. Oak, yeah. Oak doors. So it's a bit more mature. Very woody, very sort of farmhouse-wise. Very, yeah, very farmhouse. Yeah, yeah. And I had to, though. Oh, no, of course. I mean, every time I went to that kitchen, I thought to myself, my God, you need to get this done. Honestly, get them builders back in. Do you know what you need? You need a bit of oak in here because this looks shit. How do you live in this shit hole? Hey, where the fuck can you sit and enjoy a cup of Bovrul looking at this crap? You can't have anyone round. You know what I mean?

36:31Just a squalor. Just honestly. So I'm glad you're treating yourself well. Thank you, mate. So yeah, it's been a full overhaul. And are you happy with progress? I am. I mean, I wish I hadn't done all of it in the first place. It's cost me an arm and a leg, but, you know, I have to, you know, can't do anything about that now. No, absolutely not. I mean, yeah, it's almost like you should have just sort of done it properly two years ago when you did it. But hey-ho. It wasn't my idea to have all that. No, no, no, no, no, absolutely not, despite being your house. The builders are still there, though.

37:06Yeah, of course. And they're great lads. I sang with them. Well, I mean, listen, you're basically day ones, you guys. You've been together for a long time now. They're working in the kitchen. I sang a little Backstreet Boys. This is how you know they're good lads, Pete. I'm walking downstairs and I flow into the kitchen. You flow in? Flowing into the kitchen. You stopped walking and then flew. And floated in. And I've got my camera on. I've gone, just to see the vibe in the kitchen whilst everyone's working away, I've gone, Tell me why he ain't nothing but a honey. and then one of the builders just goes tell me why and then the other goes tell me why and we went to a fucking proper sing song in the kitchen just asked us three legends going I never want to hear you say I won't and then it was just really nice what are their names?

38:02you and your ledge mates yeah but they're good boys yeah you really liked one's good and one's boy they actually asked how you were Did they? Yeah. I don't know them. I know, but they follow us. They follow the pod. Oh, amazing. All right. Well, that's good. I mean, are they going to... I'll tell you what you should get done. You should get your bedroom done. I've just had it done. Oh, yeah, again. I actually believed in that. It's like, what, again? Yeah. Yeah, bedroom's been done. So are we just going room by room now? We are. We're now going to the basement. So we're going to the basement. Oh, that is good.

38:30Because originally, when the basement was first done two years ago, it was going to be a plunge pool. Yeah. Then it was going to be a sauna. Yeah. then you decided on a bar that you've never used. Yeah, so now it's going to go back to a sauna and a plunge pool. Are you getting the plunge pool in? Yeah. Are you actually having a plunge pool in it? Yeah. Oh, okay. Got a nice bath. I feel like you get more use out of that than the bar. Same. Same. Well, I mean, look, I'm pleased that the refurbs are going well. I have, sorry, just seen a note here from Pippa that actually the kitchen and basement were both done less than a year ago.

39:01But actually... Yeah, it's like 10 months. No, the bedroom wasn't my... Again, the bedroom wasn't my decision. That was before things changed. You just couldn't bear looking at it. So, no. There was nothing wrong with it, was there? I know, the bedroom wasn't my decision, though. That cost fucking thousands. But it was your decision to redo it? No, it wasn't my decision to redo it. It got redone. Sorry, who's living in your house now that's making the decisions? It was redone back then. And then you've done it? No, I haven't done it again. So that bedroom's just stayed. Right. Got you. Yeah. Okay, it's all starting to come back to me.

39:34You haven't been back to mine in ages, though. Pete is, by the way, Pete's really due coming round mine. He hasn't been round mine probably for about three quarters of a year. That doesn't seem right, does it? No, because it's not. It is. Yeah, it is. No, it's not. Well, I'll tell you what. The last time all of us were there was... Oh, the flat party. Yeah, which was fucking September. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But just me and you. Oh, well, listen, I don't need to be... There's no room there, mate. You and all the builders are fucking too busy fucking forming a choir. Oh, that's something we should think about for Christmas, though.

40:09Not again. Something we should definitely, definitely think about. What's the next room in the house to be done? The basement. And then after that? That's when it finishes. The garden. We're going to redo the garden? Yeah. What are we going to do with that? I'm just going to make it a little bit more fire-pitty. So when you say a bit more fire-pitty, there isn't a fire-pitty in it. No, so I'm going to put a fire-pitty. So you're just going to put a fire-pitty in it. I'm going to put a fire-pitty in it. Excellent, good. Yeah, this is a big one. This is a big one, okay? This is something I really wanted.

40:37We as a team actually really wanted to get your opinion on this. We've been waiting all week for this. So London Tubes, don't know whether you've seen this, they face backlash. I'm not going to look at them. They face backlash after commuters are calling for a no kissing before 10 p.m. rule. Sorry, 10 a.m. rule. London Tubes have faced backlash after commuters are calling for a no kissing before 10am rule. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me get this right. So people on the tube are the ones asking for TFL to make a rule. What, like presumably put up signs saying... No kissing before 10am. Right.

41:18How do you feel about that? Do I need to form an opinion? Yeah, no, absolutely. It's literally dividing the country. Why are you shoving your tongue down some c*** throat on the tube anyway? Yeah, all right. at any time of day. Right, right. It doesn't matter whether it's fucking morning, noon or night. You don't need to be doing it. Okay. I don't think... Also,

41:43if TFL go, new rule, no kissing, what happens if you do? That's a really good question. Who's going to enforce that? Are they going to have the kissing police there? Hey, tongue out. or a ticket maybe. It's 9.43. You want to fucking stick your tongue down her throat, wait 17 minutes. Or a ticket. Are you going to write a ticket up maybe? What, like an IOU kiss for 17 minutes time? Yeah, maybe. No, but just maybe be like, that's a 50 pound fine. Fine people for kissing? Yeah. Shit. So kissing, can you finger someone before 10? See, these are the questions we need to ask the TFL. Maybe we should have a no fingering rule.

42:28That should be like a three-piece. I can't kiss, but listen, we need intimacy before we go to work. All right, let's just do a little hypothetical here. Or is that a bigger fine? Seeing as we're in. That's under a pound, apparently, that one. Well, it depends if you know her. Is that parking on a single yeller or a double yeller? Petewicks, you're still... What about spitting in the mouth from a distance? Just in case you need the saliva. Well, how would you feel about that? If you're there on the tube, right? Well, if a random spat at me from a distance, I'd probably have the other... I assume that there's kissing things for people that know each other.

42:58I don't think it's for random people that are just... Okay, why is there someone you don't know spits in your mouth? Surprise, kiss! Why is someone spits in your mouth and you don't know them? If someone spits in my mouth, I will fucking throw them under the train. So let's say you're on that side. There'll be some fucking delay then. I'm on this side. And then there's some dude you've never met before who goes, just gets it in your mouth. You're stood on the tube with your briefcase. Well, hold on. So some dude, and I'm watching him spit, and then I've gone, Oh no, it's gone in my mouth. Why would I open my mouth?

43:27Yeah, why would your mouth just happen to be open? Just in case, because I often, when I am on the tube, I often sit there like that. So Pete's like this on the tube? Just on the off chance some **** will spit in my mouth. Eh? So you've got your mouth first. It used to be kissing, but we can't do that anymore, so I just wait for the saliva. Generally, though, what do you do is someone spit in your mouth? Fucking hell. Someone spits in your mouth, what do you do? someone I don't know spits in my mouth yeah but not not in like a but not in like a not in a rude way like sorry sorry sorry whoa whoa whoa no no no because I really need to understand before I answer this one so so a stranger spits in my mouth but not in a rude way just sort of a friendly way when he goes morning mate what is he a fucking alpaca yeah no but like but he goes he goes he goes like that and looks at you like that.

44:22No, if he does it gently, it's fine. Yeah, so that's what I meant. You're on the tube, you don't know this guy and he does a gentle spit into your mouth. What are you doing? What am I doing? Yeah. I'm murdering him. I would pay so much money to watch some random man just spit in Pete's mouth. And Pete's like, what the fuck was that? I wouldn't speak. Straight punch. Oh, it wouldn't be. And then a repeated stamp on the head. All right, next question. What are you doing? Oh, because the first one was so good. No, no, we're going to tell this back a little bit, actually. What would you do if you're on public transport, you're a bystander, and it's a really packed train, so you can't fucking move.

45:06You've got a hand up there, Pete, and you're briefcasing them around. You're wearing that suit, and you're literally like this on the tube. This is my tube suit. And there's a couple, and you can't move, and the people right in front of you, sits right in front of your face, just start proper tongue-kissing in front of you. and they're just rattling around. Well, it depends what time it is. And you know you've got to, would you be like, that's fine, I'm all for it? Would you be like, guys, would you mind just getting out of my face? Well, if it's pre-10am, I'd say you don't want to get caught, you'll get a fine.

45:34Okay, but what if it's after 10am? Finger him instead. Okay, fine. Fair enough. There you go. Okay, so you're all for it. If it's after, or are we talking about the fines not coming, it's just if I see people doing that. Yeah. All right. So I'm fucking holding on to the thing and there's two people just having a fucking ride in front of me. What would I do? Yeah. Have a day off.

46:00And they haven't heard you. They haven't heard you because it's going... What would I do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a day off.

46:11So they've looked around and gone, what? What do you mean have a day off? Wait till you get home. I don't need to fucking see and hear the squelching of your fucking tongues, do I? I bet it's a free country. We're allowed to do this on the shoot. You're not, actually, because they're about to bring in a new one.

46:29No! Oh, that is the most brilliant thing. It's so Kevin. The lower of the tone? You're not, actually. I have you, mate. Who's Kevin now? Oh, so good. Devon Bobs, mate. Oh, fuck me. Who the fuck's Kevin? Oh, mate, do you know what? I've got to say something that's made me laugh nearly as much as the Wicked for Good premiere because that because that was huge so obviously you've seen Wicked for Good part one why would I watch that Wicked for Good 2 though it's all about so you know it's about two witches one's good one's bad Glinda and Elphaba alright mate it's and you know the rest yeah they do magic and stuff don't they yeah yeah well basically they've got it's mental mate it's fucking wild so if someone gets stolen by the shark, right?

47:17And then, you don't know that. I've kind of given away a bit of a spoiler there. By a shark? Yeah, one of the, so one of Glinda's people works. Which has got a pet shark? No, one of the, no, the shark's the evil villain. And basically one of Glinda's, like. Does this take place underwater? No, no, no, it's on the Yellow Brick Road. And like. There's a shark on a road. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the walking shark. And he's a bad shark. Yeah. He's a lone shark. Yeah, well now I'm making it sound bad. But yeah, basically he's nicked someone from Glenda's Park Castle. Yeah. So he's nicked it, taken her. So they're basically trying to find the shark.

47:51And obviously you know all the twists and turns and she basically gets Elfborough involved. Now I know that this isn't a prank because you've lost everyone else as well. Yeah. It's not just me. I don't know what you're saying. I mean, I don't, the yellow brick road, is that not Dorothy? It's the same universe. And then they've added the shark. Well, I remember there being a lion and a fucking tin man. No, that's Narnia, mate. I don't remember there being a scarecrow and then his best mate, the shark. No, no, they've added the shark in. Oh, naughty shark. Yeah, they've added the shark. Yeah. You have what, Sharknado?

48:31No. It's a tornado full of sharks. But yeah, so basically you've got to find the shark. And then there's like multi-legged creature. There's not a shark. There is a shark. There's not. There's not a shark. Are you trying to describe the plot of Wicked to Pete? Yeah. Because I don't think you're very well placed so far to do that. Pretty sure there's a shark in it. Have you seen the first one? Have you seen it? I've seen bits. No. Okay. So what's happening here then is neither of us have seen the film. But what you've done is decided that it's a sequel to Jaws. I just feel like there was a shark in it.

49:09Yeah, because it makes sense. I mean, to be fair, listen, you know, there's a couple of fucking witches. Why not throw in a shark? It's the natural conclusion. When you see two witches, you go, where's their shark? It's the natural next step, really, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, just, you know, of course. Do you know what, though? So what I do know is so Ariana Grande... Do you know what? Don't worry about whether I know what. Do you know what?

49:35You know what? so so ariana grande and cynthia reva have formulated this this friendship right like this is off camera like genuine this genuine friendship right so not as the characters no no we're talking about the actual women yeah so for example cynthia reva saw a helicopter flying over and started crying and ariana grande was like get away to the helicopter that's legit yeah so like they back each other they back each other through everything No you're gonna have to stop there That's legit Have you seen the clip? No you're gonna have to stop I think it was just causing her distress An helicopter?

50:15Yeah it was flying overhead She was trying to speak And there was a helicopter overhead And she just couldn't handle it And so she And then Ariana Grande had to hug her Had a nervous breakdown Yeah and Ariana Grande had to hug her And be like it's okay So it's gonna be okay And then she shooed away the helicopter So she's a witch in real life? No no no no know the helicopter just happened just to pass overhead the point i'm making is you know roles can reverse as well because on the red carpet this is mental on the red carpet at the premiere a fan oh i've seen this ariana grandet and sythia revo went get off her i did see that so she sythia revo basically sort of like got her round like under her wing went get away and sort of guarded her and i was wondering whether i should have done that to you in manchester why absolutely or even last week in Birmingham or last what happened last week in Birmingham put in a headlock and then someone licked my face yeah yeah then yeah when did that happen oh no we've not had a debrief of this have we oh my god the book tour yeah the book tour someone some what yeah you know when you know when you ran into the thing even though I said to you listen let's not run into the crowds this time alright and then you jumped in within about five minutes and then at the end you did a big run through and then you went go on and then everyone started cheering come on Pete and then I ran in someone put me a headlock and licked my face.

51:27Sorry, what? Is that why you came back and you said never again? Yes. I didn't even know that. Did you see it? Did you see as Sam runs up the gangways and just high fives everyone down the thing, I run up, get rugby tackled to the ground, licked on. In fact, I'll be honest with you, I think someone might have spat in my face then. That's so funny. I didn't even know that. That's why I was out there, so I couldn't get back. They blocked the gangway home. That's so good. I should have known him, so I should have done a Cynthia Erivo on you. Get away from him. I did that in Manchester. You were getting your cock handled in Manchester last year.

52:04No, you didn't, Sam. Yeah, I did. I was in the crowd going, get off my best mate. No, you weren't. No, you weren't. You didn't know what was happening. And then you come backstage and I went, I've just been fondled. And you went, whey! And started calling all your mates. in fact that's exactly what you did in fact you got the camera out we actually both got groped at the most recent book signing oh that lovely old lady that's a consensual bum squeeze though isn't it really well she didn't ask me well she asked me actually and i said yes well there you go then so she just assumed that that was fun yeah you said yes for both of us excellent so not only are you not preventing me from getting groped you're actually encouraging it oh wonderful Well, that is the last time I shoo a helicopter away for you.

52:55Jesus Christ. Right, I think let's fucking wrap this up because both of my brain cells are fucked. Oh, no, last thing. We've got merch on the way.

53:08I know I signed it off. Tell them. Oh, yeah. They don't know. We've got merch on the way. We have Peter Wick's condoms. No, we don't. We've got Peter Wick's fendoms. No, no, we don't. Got Peterwick's cups. No, no, we do have mugs. We got mugs. There's mugs coming, there's T-shirts, there's hoodies, there's tote bags. There is a brand new restocking of... Ooh, Dishy Cross. Sam's got a new Dishy Cross. Does he? Yes, because Sam's last Dishy Cross didn't sell. It was just sort of a headshot. He has now got a topless Dishy Cross. Oh, hey, man, I'll do more if you want. what like sort of what's more I don't know I just whatever whatever no no no no no enlighten us what's more I don't know just whatever you tell me I'll do it Dishy Cloths are back question answer someone and this is legit made two grand of selling feet pics on OnlyFans should we as a company be thinking about this someone yeah You're just saying someone?

54:16Yeah. I think people have made more than two grand. Should we as a company be thinking about this? I don't. I don't think so, no. Are you sure? Yeah. I mean... Could be some good income for the team. Let's... I think... Josh, get him off. Oh, someone needs a little break. Thank you for listening to Staying Relevant. This is the main episode and I am back. I'm not in Australia. Yet, yet, yet. Wow. Damn, damn, damn. Wow. Not going. Make sure you tune in next week. Do all the fucking crap. You know the score. Tune in? I don't know what's happening. You know the scores on the doors. Jesus. Triple five, feeling alive.

54:58That like something to do with bingo or dance? No, because... No, it's not... No. No. 120. 80. Let's dance. Have a wonderful day. We really, really appreciate, love and cherish you. and thank you for being there for all of our tomfoolery and shenanigans and being a couple of silly dillies. Why are you clapping? What are you clapping? This has been a Staying Relevant production.

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56:40Hello, Relevancers. We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog, Marry, Avoid, one of our favourite games, all with fictional characters. So prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin. We don't know yet. We were sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one genie. I don't know. I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.