159: Pete’s Christmas RANT!

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1:34Well, ho, ho, ho and Merry Christmas. Welcome to Staying Relevant, the podcast hosted by two best friends, me, Sam Thompson and PeeWix. This episode will probably contain more swearing than normal because I'm wearing Christmas pajamas. If you don't like it, go f*** yourself. This is the main episode, which means it is Monday, so you'll be able to watch this on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm on Wednesday. Then we'll be doing a bonus episode, which comes out Thursday audibly, which you can watch on a Sunday visually on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm, which means that you can catch us on a...

2:11Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday. And give us a quick ho-ho, ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho! Yeah, ho-ho! They did it, though. Yeah, they know that, yeah. Well, yeah, nice. They actually did. Make sure you rate, review, do all of that sort of crap. You know the score by now. This is a special episode. It's Christmas, baby. You're listening to this on Christmas. Are they listening to this on Christmas? No. No. When are you listening to this? Well, they're listening to it whenever they want. Okay. It comes out on Monday. So that is the 22nd. 22nd. So we're on the lead up to Christmas. But this is the staying relevant Christmas episode.

2:53We're going to be treating this like our very own Christmas day, because obviously everyone's going to go on holidays after that, which is kind of sad, because I wish we could all spend Christmas together. Whereas I'm over the moon to have a break from you all, especially after today when I came in to this. And when Pete says this, what he means is, is that we are all in this office wearing matching pyjamas, which is very important. It's obviously a very, very special day. Pete, your thoughts on matching PJs? I fucking despise it. What's annoying is I did radio yesterday and it got brought up on radio and I literally, I went on a full rant about the fact that no one wants to do this.

3:34All right, the amount of wives that force husbands to do it and the fucking kids and then you've got fucking, the fucking cockapoo in the corner. Like I've just, I despise it. And then what has happened? I've walked in today.

3:49crawled in and we've all got fucking matching pyjamas on it makes me feel sick Josh

3:58looks like a lovely young man Josh when we came in Sam and I were in normal clothes Josh looks like a man who has managed to bag himself an invite to a girl's slumber party by pretending to be gay but actually not being gay it's weird but now that I'm in it I look worse and what I don't understand is why you and I have got the same size pyjamas on but mine don't fucking fit I don't understand that I feel like you've got maybe the ladies version why have I got the male version why have I got the birds version I think it was just whatever we could get whatever we could grab and put our hands oh it's amazing it's whatever we could get everyone else managed to get a nice fucking set of fits and I've managed to get a fucking tiny little pet nice that you care to be honest with you I don't care.

4:46There's no slippers. Yeah, yeah. That was one of the things that Pete did say when he walked in. He goes, well, if we're going to do it, wear the slippers. What I like about Pete is if he's going to do it, he goes full hog. Well, do you know what I mean? If you're going to do it, have a go. We love to have a go. We'll have a go. Mate, do have a question for you because this is what, you know, wholesome families, you know, the kind of families see in movies who love each other and, you know, get eggnog together and pretend Santa's come down the chimney and go in those nice little human pyramids that they do and then they send those Christmas cards off to people.

5:19They're real wholesome families. This is what they do. Let's say in just a hypothetical world. Oh, fucking here we go. You know we love a hypothetical, especially on a Christmas day. No, you love a hypothetical. No, I love a hypothetical on a Christmas day, Peter. You are with a girl and you're spending Christmas with her and her family and they're really wholesome. She's got a really good family. I love the way, hold on. you know it's unusual she's got a good family alright not like the fucking reprobates that you're fucking spawned from mate to be fair I don't put pyjamas on either to be fair you have in the past maybe yes not anymore to be fair these are probably fit peep you'll be taking these home wouldn't you it saves you a fucking job I've actually already said to the team I was like I'll have two please yeah there you go fucking job done I'll have a pair, please, if that's okay.

6:14But let's say we walk in, you walk in and the family are like, oh, hey, it's a Christmas grotto. Is this the first time I've met them? No, this isn't the first time you've met them, but it's very close to. You've met them like once before. And like, it's quite intense to be fair. You've been going for Christmas. It's quite early on, but like you had no plans. You like the bird. And you walk in, it's a fucking Christmas grotto. The dad's dressed as Santa. The dogs have elf outfits on. and the miss is like, I'm really sorry, Pete, but like they take Christmas really seriously here. Dad opens the door.

6:46Ho, ho, ho, ho, Peter. Nice to see you. Come in. And he's got that weird, like he does like a weird Eskimo kiss with his daughter that they have that you think's a little bit too far, but they've been doing since they were kids. And like, and he's like, oh, come here, you little squidger. It's his past experience again. No. No. Let's just say that's the kind of family that they are, right? And they go, right, Pete, we picked you out. a really nice pair of Christmas PJs. We all wear them on Christmas Eve and watch a Christmas movie together and play games. What are you doing? I've really set the scene with that one.

7:20I'm sorry. I ain't a bloody relative. You... I'm part of the family. Whoa, yeah, but Pete, that's just what we do. No, yeah, so as a family, crack on. No, but you, like, really, it would be ruining Christmas tradition and possibly ruining Christmas. In which case, I'd better go. Yeah, but if he's like, come on, Pete. Easy cash. have a lovely day but if he's like insisting like insisting first of all I'm not a big fan of people insisting anything it gets my back up straight away you don't you don't have a choice yeah yeah yeah but I do I'll tell you what Dave I fucking do if you're in my house I'll leave your house it's fine oh that's interesting my daughter's pretty upset now she'll get over it she's got over work us um okay fine fine you don't have to but like it's just kind of bummed out you know in all in all seriousness i'm saying this um you i would have i would be put in a position at that point i mean if we're going to go back to how well you set the scene this is the second time i've met them i've met them once previously presumably it's a fairly new relationship then which means that i've met them fairly close to the lead up to christmas so i'd make sure i you know you always have to set out there's always a contingency you know me lots of contingencies which means that I'm expecting if I'm meeting the family that I'll probably be with her at Christmas so on that first thing when I meet the family I will say I'm not a big fan of Christmas I hate it so they already know which means that if I turn up and it is a grotto and they bought me Christmas jammers jammers oh my god that's the best name I've ever heard of my life Christmas jammers I will say to them I did tell you I'm not a big fan of Christmas so actually it's quite disrespectful for you to make me feel this awkward I like what you've done there.

9:05A little bit of gaslight in there on the family. Well, listen, listen. But I would have to fucking wear them, wouldn't I? And I'll be honest with you, I have previously made an effort for Christmas for people. And? Well, they've had a lovely time. You know, I'm very good at masking my feelings. I have done for years. But then what happens is I will leave Christmas and I will need a week or so break from the girl. Because there's so much Christmassy stuff happening over the weekend. Because there's so much Christmas, but also she's disrespected me. so is the family. Oh, so when you both drive home that car journey home is silent.

9:38the car journey home will be, you know, what are we up to tomorrow? Oh, we'll have to wait and see. Plans for New Year's? Don't know yet. What are we doing? I don't know what you're doing. Why do you seem frosty and cold? Not at all. Christmas spirit. Happy Christmas. Well, did you not like the weekend that we spent together? Oh, it was great. Did you and the family have a good time? We absolutely loved it. Yeah, we absolutely loved it. Good for you. And let's just say you spent like a long time doing festivities. Board games were out. Charades was played in Christmas jammies. Are you partaking?

10:19Are you? I can't. You'd have to. But this is, again, this is the point. I'm technically a fucking guest. All right. So if I, listen, when me and Olive have Christmas, when, well, I am. Me and Olive have Christmas. I'll tell you what. and she gets to the age, sort of 35, where she's allowed to bring a fella back, all right? I'm not going to sit there, like if he loves Christmas, and go, well, we don't celebrate here, mate. If Oliver says to me, listen, he really enjoys Christmas, I'll fucking whack a tree up for the day. Wow. Do you know what I mean? Because I would want him, because he's a guest.

10:52Yeah. So if I don't like Christmas, and you force me to play fucking Shiraz and Pajamas, I'm going to do it, but I will fucking remember it. Quick question. And remember, Christmas is a week, right? There's 51 other weeks of the year where I'll fucking remember it. Okay, what about this? What about this? Ready? Film. One word.

11:22Two syllables. One arm. One finger. First syllable. Oh, first syllable.

11:32swim, water,

11:40stroke,

11:44up, climb, wank, fuck. Well, mate, you're doing that. The problem is, as a podcast, what's happening is I'm just shouting words. So for the last 30 seconds, everyone's just heard me go, ring. stroke, they don't know what's happened because they can't see what you're doing. So for anyone listening, we were playing charades. This would be... Well aware that we're, you know, not ideal for something that you only listen to in your fucking ears. All right? So that sounded like I malfunctioned for a minute there. Do you know what I love? I think we just got a glimpse into Pete playing charades. Just ring.

12:24Wank. Just showered. Wick. Wick. Wick. So that's a candle? Yeah. How? How? How? How is that a candle? Because that's the wick coming through. No, I understand. But so that was a flame. Yeah, that was a flame. And that was a thing. So what was that bit then? That was flame. Flame, wick. That's a prime example of why I don't want to play. Because people go, oh, Shroud, loads of fun. Is it? Why is it not? Because I'll sit there, drunk at this point as well. Oh, yeah. Got to factor in that as well. What do you mean? We'll factor in the booze. How else am I going to get through it? And do you know what else?

13:05I'll tell you what fucking really annoys me. Oh, yes. All right? About Christmas. It's when people go, do you know what my favourite part of Christmas is? Oh, do you know what I mean? The cheese. Because people eat things at Christmas. You can get cheese all year round, you c***. All right? It's not a special December. Oh, I have loads of cheese at Christmas. If you like it that fucking much, eat it for the rest of the year. It's like the same as like, oh, I'll tell you what else I love at Christmas. Twigly. You can buy them all year round. I love a twiglet on Christmas. Everyone's always got dates at Christmas.

13:33You can buy them all year round. Or a quail's egg. Like the as-if. Twiglets. But do you know what I mean? It's one of them things like, oh, do you know what I love about Christmas? It's the cheese. What do I love the cheese, though? But you can get that in fucking March. Yeah, I know, a bit of Vashara, a little bit of blue cheese as well. Oh, yeah. No, it's that special one that only comes out in December. No, you can get it any fucking, all year round. And I don't understand why people just associate that with Christmas. That's got nothing to do with it. Christmas is Jesus' birthday. Well, you just sit.

14:04You just sit and indulge. That's the beauty of Christmas. You indulge and you just don't think about anything. You're not going to the gym. You're not worrying about anything. You're just eating cheese. There's just so much cheese. Like, there's normally a cheese board. You've got to breathe. But you can have a cheese board at any point. But you don't want it at every point. You want it when you're snuggled up. Well, then you don't like it that much. Watch your doctor. So why sit there? Why sit there and, oh, I do love a cheese board. We'll fucking have one another time of the year then. No, because I can't, not allowed.

14:32Oh, who says that then? Your cheese mother? No, just the rules. The rules. What do you mean the rules? There's rules. Sorry, sorry. I don't remember buying a packet of fucking Stilton and sitting on it only to be eating at Christmas.

14:47And if you don't, we'll know. Yeah, fucking it. You'll have the cheese police on you. Fucking rules. God, the best thing is, what we're doing here is we're actually we're showing everyone what Pete would be like at family Christmas so I'll tell you what this is another thing when I say I'm spending Christmas it's because I want to so stop inviting me because this is what you'll get this is why I don't want to go alright I don't want to play charades I don't want to sit and watch you dribble over a cheese board that you could have at any point in your fucking life or what about Christmas purd bring over the Christmas purdy bring over the Christmas purdy have you made this up that's what our family sings when mum lights the Christmas pudding.

15:26Do you ever light it up? I can just imagine Ryan sitting there loving it. Yeah, right. Ryan does always sort of quieten down at that point, to be fair. And then we all watch the King's Speech. Yeah, and then the King's Speech, then the Christmas pudding. And mum lights it up on fire and she walks it round. Bring over the Christmas pudding. See, this is the point, like, it's just, you know what I mean? We all sing in unison. Well, I'll tell you what, if you started fucking singing Bring on the Christmas pudding, I'd light you on fire. who wants to hear Pete I flambé you who wants to hear Pete come to mind for Christmas and we'll film all of us in tandem and Pete and Paul going oh I can't wait to do it in tandem bring us the Christmas bring wait bring over the Christmas purdy bring over the Christmas purdy and then he goes bring over the Christmas purdy and bring it right now my tummy is very hungry my tummy and then we all start rubbing on tummy it's very hungry my tummy is very hungry so feed my tummy now.

16:24I'll be honest with you. Perhaps wouldn't invite Pete round for Christmas. Oh, actually, she's coming. Fucking hell, I know. Oh, Jesus. Go on, Karen. Yeah, no, this is a story. Doing God's work, she is. This is a story for maybe a little bit later. My last question for you, though, and I'm sorry if we're going straight into annoying you over Christmas. I don't mean to, but. Yes, you do. That's the purpose of. Sorry. Sorry. I'm not stupid enough to realise it's not the purpose of this pod. All right. There's no other purpose to this. What it is, is an excuse for you every week to fuck me off. All right, that's where we're going.

16:54Sorry, I do apologise for trying to annoy you. I have put you in Christmas pyjamas and made you play charades on a podcast, despite the fact that I know you fucking hate Christmas. So what other reason would you be doing this other than to piss me off? No, I really apologise, Pete. I'm really sorry. And the way you're closing your eyes and shaking your head as you're saying it is very sincere. I'm really sorry, Pete. I don't mean to get in your grill, but just one last question, if I may. Christmas cards that get sent round, because this happens to me, and I want to know if this happens to you, from like long lost cousins or like people from across the world, maybe in Australia who are like sort of like family members who've been living out there for years.

17:28And they send you their cards, but it's like a round robin. They send you these cards with letters inside explaining how amazing their family is. Have you ever received one of those? I mean, you know me. At what point do you think I've got long lost family and cousins around the world? All right. It's very hard for people to send Christmas cards from prison. all right and there's not much for them to put in it what do you do well i had an extra fucking hour in the yard this year you know what i mean there's not really i didn't get shanked you know what i mean like that's as far as the christmas cards go on my fucking family side okay i'll explain to you mine then so what normally happens is oh i can imagine we have we have we have a very specific cousin who um who will send a christmas card they don't live in the country and they'll I mean, I'm calling them out here.

18:16They'll send a card, but inside that card is like life updates and what their family's been up to through the year. But what they do is, it's basically just tooting their own trumpet. They're literally like, so far I'm not going to say the same name, but it's like, ah, little Ruth got A's in everything, made the sports team. Little Eamon has like, has smashed their GCSEs. Sorry, their kids are called Ruth and Eamon. Oh my God. Big daytime TV fans, are they? No, sorry. that's wild because actually they just came to my head so that must be subconsciously me thinking about but what would you do if you received a letter like that which is just bragging basically well I mean look it depends I'm going to hypothetically answer it but I'll also tell you the reality of it when I get sent Christmas cards alright which just happens I've had a few in my post box alright from to be honest with you mainly just like the team in the building I work with you've got one coming for me excellent What I do, because you can see it's a Christmas card, is I put it on the side and it don't get opened.

19:19I don't even read it because I know it just says, Happy fucking Christmas. Listen, the thought's there. I don't need to read it. It ain't going up nowhere. All right? So it just, oh, I've got a Christmas card. Lovely. I don't care what it's from. I don't answer. I don't know. But hypothetically, if I answered it and it was from my long-lost cousin and his kids, Ruth and Naaman, I imagine what I'd do is go through it, read it, and go...

19:47Why do I care what his two little daytime TV presenter kids have done for the fucking year? Well, no, because he's just informing you that, you know, Eamon's now got an internship at the bank. Oh, fucking wonderful. Can you give me a loan? In which case, I don't care. But, like, they're just updating you and all the great... That would be wonderful if I'd have asked for an update. But I haven't. See, that's the thing. That's what they do. They write a massive, like, two-pager, front and back. Excellent. So what would you write if, staying relevant, we're going to send a round-robin Christmas card to Ruth?

20:25Send one back to Ruth and Aisling. Okay, great, okay. Describing what our kids have done this year. Okay, fine. Bear in mind, and just take a minute before you write this, look at them. What? Look at them. All good. They're looking really lovely in their pyjamas.

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22:49hi ruth no sorry not ruth hi i actually haven't said the hi to whoever it may concern well i imagine well so if it's ruth and amen are the kids i imagine you're sending this to Dermot and Alison. Died to her and Alison. Lovely to hear about Baby Ruth and teenage Eamon's exploits. He's done well, teenage Eamon, to work at the bank. They sound... Baby Ruth's done well to get an internship. Fucking hell. She's straight A's. Fuck me. She's absolutely blinding. But that's what they do. She's a fucking savant. She's a child genius. They lie anyway in these things. So I'm going to be like, okay, great.

23:25What we've done at Staying Relevant is we did the O2, which is brilliant. We sold it out. Then we also did a book tour with Sunday Times Bestseller. That's great. Also, Pete's now in a new relationship, which is amazing. I have a little lie in there as well. I quite like to lie in these things as well. I don't know if you've ever done this. Do you ever like to make a... Oh, excellent. So Pete's in a new relationship. And weirdly enough, my cock's finally grown. It's 10 inches now. Happy Christmas. That's only an inch off, so it's fine. That's like a white lie. But realistically, I'd just like to point out.

23:59They're not forgiving these pyjamas. They're baggy. Mine are very baggy, actually, I'll have you know. It's just, I just, this is, the whole point of this, and I've realised this is supposed to be a Christmas episode and it doesn't, I've sort of just battered Christmas, really, is... I've now got a picture in my head of Pete, like, actually physically battering Christmas. But that's why, like, the whole fucking family thing, I don't care. It's forced, it's forced. You've forcibly done that. forcibly updated me. I didn't want it, but you've given it to me anyway. I didn't want to play charades, but I'm doing it anyway.

24:35I didn't want to wear Christmas pyjamas, but I'm doing it anyway. I didn't want to eat your dry fucking turkey. It's not always dry. But do you know what I mean? Like, it's like all of that stuff, it's forced upon you. At what point do you do what you want to do at Christmas? I'll tell you, the only person I know doing what they want to do at Christmas is fucking me. Nothing. I'm the only person I know. Everyone else I've got to go to. I love Christmas. That's great. But do you want to sit and fucking read Ruth and Eamon's fucking school reports. Well, they brag quite a lot, to be fair. Right, so you don't really want it.

25:04You didn't ask for it. So there's one thing you didn't want to do. Everyone starts to, do you really want to fuck off to Stafford? No, not really. It would be better if they fucking came down here. Do you know what I mean? Do you really want to go and see your fucking in-laws? Do you really want to be doing... No, you don't. You don't want to do it. So why the fuck are you doing it? Do you really want to sit there and... No, you don't want to fucking do it. Because you have to. Exactly. Well, no, you fucking don't. Do what you want to do. You sit home, have a wank and fucking... Fuck, he's done us.

25:31He's fucking done us. All it is is forced fun around people that are forced upon you. No. Pippa, are you going to Stafford? How do you feel that we get up at like 8am and then we have to like rush through breakfast, quickly open a few presents, then we get in the car and we drive for three hours to Stafford on Christmas Day? How do I feel? I pity you. Do you know what the best thing is? I do the exact same thing to go to my grandparents. The whole thing on the road. The whole thing on the road. The whole Christmas is on the road. and it all crammed into a car on the way out there. There's always an argument in the car, by the way.

26:00100%. I don't know if anyone's listening to this and they get on the M4 or wherever it may be and on the circular and they go up. They always go to some sort of family members. M4, not that circular. No, I know, but like I'm just saying, there might be different roads that they take and then they basically go to whatever family they're going to go to. They cram to the car. Also, packing the presents into the car takes about half an hour And that's fucking a nightmare as well. On a serious note, listen, as much as I'm sort of taking the piss. There's something magical about it. Well, as much as, well, not really.

26:33As much as I'm taking the piss about it, listen, people get to see their families and spend time with their families, and that is all really nice and that. But the premise of it for me is that it is a lot of false fun. Everyone kind of goes, oh, I can't wait to break up for Christmas. I cannot wait. Honestly, it's going to be lovely to have a break. I love the way you hold your nose. But it's true. And they go, oh, honestly, it's going to be lovely. I get to see the family do all this. And then you say to them on January 3rd, how was your Christmas? oh fucking glad it's over I'm glad to be back at work so true so ready to get back into it the idea of Christmas I get people fucking love it's lovely you spend time you eat food and you fucking do this and we can have a fucking drink and you see all the family and do all that sort of stuff the reality of it is fucking dog shit it is funny isn't it because you do Christmas and then you're so over it by the end of it oh no no no no no your end of it you're over it when you're in the fucking twilight zone between Christmas and New Year oh no I love that zone at that point when people I still get up at 5am every fucking day alright that's so bummed out I still do the same fucking routine I don't understand and people are oh do you know what time I got up I got up at 11am you lazy bone idle get up and do something you bone idle for enjoying yourself in the run up to New Year for Christmas we got the Christmas party this week no like listen I wish everyone the best at Christmas and all the rest of it but it's so go back for it now Pete yeah I feel like I've maybe gone in quite hard then.

27:55Do you know what I really like about that? Is we, if we could possibly clip that up and you know those cards that when you open them there's a voice that comes out. Get up you bone-eyed I think we should clip that up and have Pete go it's fucking shit and just Merry Christmas from the Staying Relevant team. No, it's just on a serious note listen, it is a wonderful time of year and all the rest of it for lots of different people. My favourite is in between Christmas and New Year's all the TikToks. Did you actually like it? All the TikToks you make. Alright, let's move on from that. Oh God, I can't wait.

28:22Christmas party I'm spending it with Pippa by the way yeah yeah no don't look at me like that you're spending when with me after Christmas we're all after Staffordshire oh right yeah okay you invited me I'm not in Staffordshire between Christmas and New Year I'm going to Devon I'm coming to see you Devon I'm going to Devon oh what a few walks on the beach I'm making loads of TikToks it's all my cousins they want to make TikToks can I just quickly so just I know we spent a long time on this but Pippa is your idea of hell on earth when it comes to Christmas. Pippa likes to... This room is. Pippa's all over the place.

28:56Pippa's in Staffordshire for Christmas. In the run-up to New Year, she's in Devon. She loves a walk. She literally will get up and be like, I think we should go for a walk. Yeah, but nothing fun about that. No, no, no. Do you know what's mad? Don't you dare U-turn now. There's no way you do it. So you go, oh, I could do with a walk. No, no, no. But what I do like is she's doing something. What I don't like is the run-up and they just go, do you know what I'm not even going to have a shower today? Dirty ****. Fucking shit. It's not an excuse to forget your fucking hygiene. All right? I don't understand.

29:26People are in... I've had the same pyjamas on for three days and they're all covered in... Why do that? That's me. But they're all covered in the Christmas cheese you can only get in December and fucking twiglit fucking crumbs. Literally me. Do you know what I mean? And you've got a fucking date hanging out your ear roll and that. And you're just like, oh, it's just lovely, isn't it? Ain't got to do nothing. Get up. Five a wash. Oh, I like... That's literally me. Honestly, I feel attacked. I want sharted in between Christmas and New Year. Do you remember when you said you wanted to become more adult on this podcast?

29:53Mate, I mean, mate, that was real bad. Fucking real bad. I remember sitting there being like... And he still didn't change his pyjamas for three days. Mate, well, this is the thing. You just wallow. It's just terrible. But it just... The last thing I'm going to say on this now is... I get it's nice to see people and all the rest of it, but all of you are thinking he is right. it does end up being full stride. We just hate, we just don't want to admit it. No, no, no, you don't. And everyone goes, oh, you go out of your way to be a fucking hater on it. No, I'm just telling you the truth. I will enjoy Christmas because it means that I'm not working for a little bit.

30:33That's great. So it means I can do other things. But everyone goes, why don't you come to us for Christmas? Like I'm Tiny Tim. I don't want to. Do you want to come to mind for this Christmas? No, I don't want to. You can meet Peep. Honestly, it baffles me. Everyone goes, oh God, he's going to be on his own for Christmas. I want to. Okay, quick question. Would you, how would I, what would I have to do to get you round mine just for Christmas time? I have spent the entire year. It's a nice drive. No, it's not. There it is. No, it's not. It is because there's no cars on the road. Oh, fucking hell.

31:03I have spent the entire year doing everything I don't want to. So at Christmas, I'll do what I want to and that is sit quietly staring at a fucking wall on my own in silence. Finally, I have the peace because you're all too busy hating your family. Anyway, fuck me. Do you know what? We actually, I'm really delving into this. We have an uncle who sometimes gets a little bit too pissed. And then we have quite a liberal younger cousin. Really fun. That's really fun. What happens? Well, the uncle that gets too pissed will normally say something a bit too conservative. The liberal cousin will then throw a strop.

31:40And then I will sit there and decide which position to take, which will cause maximum problems for the rest of the family. I literally, I have two polar opposites sat around the same table and I'll literally nudge Ryan and be like, which one do we back this year? But even that as well, like it's just the fucking, it's just no drama. Oh, it's so fun. No, it's not. It's so fun. I just, it's not. Like I just can't, I can't understand why, just having a bit of peace and quiet is just my dream. it's just to be left alone for once, it couldn't get any better. Like, it's honestly, that I'm working towards just a quiet death.

32:29A quiet death. Do you know what I mean? Where I can just disappear. And Christmas is my little time of disappear because people are too busy. Yeah. And it's lovely. I really enjoy it. Anyway, so Christmas do on Friday. As you tell, we're all excited. Can't wait. Are you excited? I actually am really excited, to be fair. We've got a bit of a different one. We're actually going to be viewing something really exciting in the office that we've made, be making sort of over the past few months. It'll be really, really nice. That may be coming to you sooner rather than later, but that'll be really fun on YouTube.

33:04We've got a nice Christmas dinner booked. We've got then a club booked. Then a nightclub. So Secret Centre is today. Yeah. are you happy with what you've bought your purse? Over the moon. Ecstatic. I'm very surprised that you remembered. Oh, mate. Over the moon. Everyone has remembered, presumably. Yeah. Annalise sent a message around last night to everyone, which is good. So everyone knows, which is happy days. You are aware of how Secret Center works. We're going to be doing it after this record. I am. It's going to be a very exciting time. Here we go. You can't. I know. I get it. I now understand it.

33:44but so this is pre-opening the presents what would you like? what do you think? what would be a good £20 Secret Santa present? something like a Tamagotchi would be nice quite like a Tamagotchi I'm going to be honest with you not a bad shout yeah not a bad shout for Secret Santa something like a Tamagotchi one of them aliens that you always used to think could give birth but never did do you remember does anyone remember that? did you ever have one of them? I never I remember them I used to you said People would be like, put them in the fridge, that'll work. And like, it just, I don't know how the fuck young Sam thought that like in the 90s, there was going to be like some sort of toy that like procreated and gave birth to a mini version of itself.

34:34It was just slime. Yeah. And we all thought it. Yeah, but you say that as if it's fucking wild, but you have just asked for a Tamagotchi where pressing a button fed it and if it died, you cried. So it's the same sort of thing. It's not really dead, is it? You know what I mean? But then we moved on to the old battle mons, the ones that you used to make fight each other. Do you remember? Oh, my God, yes. I can't remember what it was called. It was not a battle mons. The thing you control your hands. No, no, no, but it was like a Tamagotchi and you used to have to feed it and train it. Oh, no. Digimons.

35:02Digimon, that's the one. And you used to be able to fight them. Yeah, yeah, Digimons. Yeah, yeah. That was good for me because it meant that I was... Fighting. Well, I was just training something, so I had to have the best one. Having a Tamagotchi is just keeping the c*** alive. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I was saying? Do you ever get a Furby back in your day for Christmas? Oh, mate, do you ever have a Furby? They were like the little gremlin thing. Dicey little fuckers, yeah, man. Well, they basically came back this year in the fucking 2025, the three-month revival of fucking Furbies.

35:31They just renamed them the Boo-Boo's. They're fucking silly little bright-eyed p***s. No, but these, mate, these, you remember you had to stick your finger in its mouth to feed it and it'd go, feed me and stick your fucking finger in its beak. But then what would happen is get bored of it, put the battery on those bastards, mate. They would last for years. So you'd be lying in bed. You haven't touched your fucking Furby in three years. Well, it'd be weird if he's in bed. Are you sure you're just putting your finger in his beak? Hey, you're lying in bed, right? And you're trying to get to sleep.

35:57His battery's only run out. He's 32. Mate, out of nowhere, there'd be a feed me. And you're like, what the fuck? And you've forgotten what the fucking Furby sounds like. And then you're rooting around your bedroom trying to figure out what the fuck that sound like. I feel like I'm the only person who's done this. Mate, my sister used to get presents. My sister used to get, like, toy babies. They used to shit themselves. Oh, no, yeah, I remember the doll. And they used to piss. Mental. But they used to actually piss. Mate, they pissed. Do you have one? You're nodding like you had one. Yeah, but if you give them water, it basically just comes out.

36:33Oh, obviously. It's not obviously urinating. He was like, oh, they actually piss. Well, don't dehydrate it. No, because then you're a bad mum. It's not real. Yeah, but you know. Did you water yours? I never actually had one. It was more of a Bob the Builder kind of girl. Yeah, always. Oh, you had a tool belt. You got the head for it. Thank you. Not the helmet. Couldn't find one to fit. You are such a Bob the Builder person. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, yeah. All those toys back in the day. I feel like no one makes toys like that anymore. Well, I'd say electric. Well, hold on, hold on. When you say no one makes toys like that, what's your knowledge of toys these days, mate?

37:13I don't know. Because I'm going to be honest with you, at 30 fucking 3, 2, 1, 4, whatever you are, I wouldn't expect you to have a great knowledge of toys. I don't feel like we're in that zone anymore. We're not, but I feel like... But Leo is. He is. I actually got him a toy recently. There we go. He hated it. Oh. Yeah, he's not old enough for it. You gave him the fucking Furby, didn't you? He's not old enough for it. I got him a flying plane, but he didn't know how to fly it. Yeah, well, I mean, I imagine. Your nephew's three and you bought my drone. I bought my drone, yeah. I bought my drone.

37:42He didn't know how to work it, so I just ended up using it. Yeah, he bought my drone because he wants him to film his content at the park. Come on, let's get you trained up early. What have you... I mean, that is one thing I will say about Christmas, actually, on that note. It's fucking a wonderful time of year for kids. And for Leo, like, it would be really, really special. And you've kind of got that. And for everyone else, like, I do get it. And if I was a fucking parent, I wouldn't be like this if I had kids. I wouldn't I do get that one so parents with young kids are excused I think it's the older you get the more Christmas matters again though to be fair like mate I don't I don't agree with that one mate we're going to cow service on Christmas Eve that's nice because it's you know but hell I mean I haven't been for a while so I'm intrigued to see what it's like we don't go for cow service no no we haven't been for a while this year well all the family well that's nice yeah that would be nice yeah that would be nice do you want to come to that no no another way you had to pretend that's nice then So, yeah, that's quite nice.

38:38It's nice for all of you. I think people should be a little bit more selfish with their time at Christmas and do what they actually want rather than forcibly doing it. How many wanks are you going to have? I don't know. So we've got Secret Centre coming up after this. I imagine I'll have friction burns. We've got Secret Centre coming up after this. Are you excited about giving the presents away? Are you excited about the whole present thing? Well, I absolutely am. Whoever's got me is going to be incredibly fortunate. Well, we are going to find that and you're going to be able to watch the entire secret.

39:11Why will they be fortunate to give you a present? Oh, sorry. What I mean is whoever I've got is going to be really, really... Are you sure you understand how this works? Yeah, no. Whoever I've got... Well, listen, you're going to be able to watch that on YouTube because we are all going to sit down in our matching pyjamas and open fucking Christmas presents. We may even do a pyramid. But the team actually, all together, we have got a special gift for you, which you're going to open now. Not for me. Specifically for you. Why? Why? Because it's Christmas. So there is a gift for you. Now, why are you looking?

39:49I've got it here. Why are you looking for it? Well, I was looking to see if I've got one for you. No, I just, it's fucking hell. It's just a specific present for you. That's very kind. I just don't know why I've deserved it. Because it's something you've wanted all year. Oh my god, is it a transformer?

40:13Oh, it's the YouTube plaque! Oh my god, we got the YouTube plaque in! Oh my god, we're plaqued up! Oh my god! It was one of your goals for the year. Oh mate, that's fucking awesome! And it's arrived for Christmas. Wow! Guys, this is actually really cool.

40:35Lighter than I thought it'd be.

40:40Josh, Josh, mate, have a hold of it. It came to my house, but I can hold it. Give me a kiss.

40:49Excellent. I mean, I don't know many people that open the present and then smash it across someone's face, but... Oh, mate, that is fucking... See, we thought you'd enjoy that one. How cool is that? So, whack it on the side. Sorry, GBU. there we go right and centre in front of the GBU boys I feel like isn't it well that is the start of Christmas the first present is unwrapped I can't believe that do you know how fucking cool that is that's so hard to get I'm really proud of that Josh you'd be massively proud of that mate it's fucking great there you go so see we despite this being a Christmas episode full of misery we have ended on some Christmas cheer we love cheer loads of cheer to go around and to send you off because this is the end of the episode so this is the 22nd this comes out everyone have a wonderful Christmas enjoy yourself Sam do the Christmas cheer thing ready Pete one two three away in a manger no crib for a bed but little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head I don't know the rest of it okay Excellent.

42:04Do you want to say anything to everyone? Well, I just thought we could sing people out for Christmas. It'd be quite nice. Well, we've got one final episode coming next week where we're going to look back at our goals for this year and all that sort of stuff, what we've achieved and what we've failed at. And looking forward to the next year because this is the penultimate episode of 2025, the penultimate main episode of 2025. What a year it has been. Yeah, so we've got all of that coming up as the New Year thing. But from everyone at the Staying Relevant team, and from Sam and I happy fucking Christmas enjoy yourself eat all the cheese you want get drunk argue with your family and then come back to work and get on with it Sing Hosanna you know this one not a Christmas song though is it oh fuck could we just go with something like Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jingle all the way oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh.

43:04Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh.

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