170: What REALLY went down at the BRITS?

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1:39Welcome to Staying Relevant, the podcast hosted by two best friends, me Sam Thompson and our very own Peter, James, Jonathan, Joseph Wicks. Looking, by the way, incredibly dapper. In a collared shirt. It's like a rugby shirt. In a rugby shirt. Some shoes my dad used to wear that I adore. And I believe they're called some slutty glasses. I've got a new pair of slutty little glasses on today. Looking lovely, mate. How do you feel about those? I love them. Sam's came in a Canadian tuxedo. It's double denim. Up and down. But you're saying it a lot. No one has said anything bad about the double denim.

2:23Do you know what it is? But you instantly have gone with as if it's a bad thing. We'll get on to the way you look in a minute, all right? I'll know. Yeah, yeah, don't worry. So this is a main episode which means it's Monday. You'll be able to watch this on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm on Wednesday and then we'll be doing a bonus episode which comes out orderly on Thursday which you can watch on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel from 5pm on a Sunday which means that you can catch us on a Monday Wednesday Thursday Sunday there will be swearing in this if you don't like it go f*** yourself make sure you rate review do all of that crap I'm speaking very very quickly let's get through the intro and get on to Sam's Canadian tuxedo fuck's sake I think it looked great do you know what have I done it wrong no you've not done it wrong you've just not done it right yeah do you know I walked in and every single person I said hello to went oh double dead him and I was like fuck's sake I've not done it right no it's not that you've done it wrong I mean the brown sort of washed brown t-shirt with the white sock, black shoe, blue denim there's a lot happening you're almost there

3:25I went to see my friend earlier that's a serious crop on that as well isn't it I went to see my friend earlier and he literally went, he did the exact same thing went oh double denim, I just took it off hit a sore point there what friend was that? Ed I mean Highlight Fashion Ed well you look lovely so eventually well so do you mate eventually I'll fucking eventually I'll get there listen you don't need to you're comfortable and in love I'm sure some of you have seen the O2 doc that premiered on Monday so make sure you let us know what you think of that it is still available on YouTube to go and watch I suggest you go and do it it's a full hour long thing that was put together and cut by Kira and Josh and they have done an amazing job so

4:10but we are treating you to another fuckload of content this week because there will be a new upload on the YouTube channel this week, which is very, very special. When Sam and I visited a university, hence the reason I'm dressed like I've been to Harvard today. It inspired me, but we went and give, well, what we thought was a careers talk. As it turns out, what it was, was sort of a talk that everyone was in on apart from us. Yeah, so we look like a pair of fucking idiots. Completely and utter stitch up. and Pippa, all I'm going to say, was in charge of the clicker. So, yeah, you have to go and watch it.

4:47Also, another bit of free content as well. And I'll be honest with you. Just throwing it out there. Yeah, we are just throwing out free content. I'll be honest with you, I wanted to charge you all. Quick, can I just, so when we're watching, this is great. Weber, do you know what I'm about to say? When we're watching the O2 doc. Because we had a viewing party. We had a viewing party around Marm, which we'll probably get onto, actually, to be fair. And, and we're halfway through and, and all of your lovely messages were coming through and everyone seemed to be loving it. And people went, well, fuck me, everyone's loving it so much.

5:14It's probably, we should do a half-time whip round and just cut it off and be like, if you fancy watching the second half, you've got to pay 20 quid each. If you're invested and you want to see the rest of it, you know what I mean? Show me the money. We've lubed them up, cut it off, and tell them they can only watch the rest if they pay. Absolutely. But we didn't do that. I was talked out of it. But yeah, we did have a little viewing party around Sam's. Lovely, that. Really enjoyed it. No, I mean, I had a fabulous time. It was one of my favourite things. What I did notice, though, was not many of you actually watched the doc because you were too busy asking Pippa what snacks she was eating, which I found highly distracting.

5:52I got on the old... Pete got on the keyboard. Got on the keyboard. Had a little chat with some of you. Most of you just sort of chatting dribble. There wasn't much interesting chat happening, if I'm honest with you. This is why I don't interact. Quite boring. Do you know what I really like? Is that Pete then did, I think, his first ever Instagram live. Yeah, well, I was fucking live on the old YouTube. I was live on Instagram and on the TikTok. Yeah, he was. And bless him. At one point, I was live on everything. He actually was. That's not even live. I didn't know where to. I had one eye on TikTok and one eye on Instagram.

6:34It was fucking wonderful. he asked Pippa because the questions were coming in real fast on YouTube well it's very hard to hear like fucking give me a minute how can I answer that quote by the time that's come by the time I've read it he's fucking gone again and then I'm answering that one and then suddenly he's in a completely different question and I think well just fucking hell so Pete's taken the phone and stood up thinking standing up will like help him like adjust and so he's like stood up with the phone in front of his face he's like okay this is it I'm like going to really read them but a lot of them weren't questions they were just statements and I don't know what response you want and I don't really know what I'm supposed to say because when you all leave, I'm just reading a screen but you can all read it yourselves.

7:12I don't need to narrate what's happening. So it was a bit pointless because I was just sort of stood there confused. Do you know what I find? So Pete's actually just explained what I've always thought about like Twitch streaming and streaming. Oh, shit. All you end up doing is just looking, reading the comments and just sort of like being silent whilst reading the comments and then he very sweetly asked Pippa to help him with the questions. But she was struggling in her own right because she was having an allergic reaction and she looked like fucking Will Smith in Hitch. Do you know what I mean?

7:42All her face had swollen up. If you can believe her head had got bigger. It was sort of all red and her eyelids were closing and all sorts of things. She was fucking itching like she had fleas. Yeah, but basically Pippa's like highly allergic to my cats and at one point she was like a hunchback of Notre Dame. the face was so swollen and she couldn't open one eye. At one point, Pete was literally like, we're going to see her at A &E in five minutes. It was all worth it though for the viewing party. So yeah, I hope you enjoyed it. But yeah, I mean, the Instagram and the TikTok lives and all that, I won't be doing it again.

8:17What do you think about influencers and people who like literally spend, like some people spend hours on those things? I'd sort of get a hobby. What if that is a hobby? Get a life. Well, it's just, it's just, it's just nothing, isn't it? It's fucking mental. It is crazy. Well, you want to do that, but I didn't know what to do. Like, and it's boring. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, what's your favourite colour? What the fuck's it got to do with you? Do you know what I mean? Where's the dog? Well, obviously not here. Can you see him? Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, I really like Sam's Kitchen Cupboards.

8:56Yeah, me too. What do you want from me? what do you want? Interactions, exactly what they want. And you gave it in spades. Yeah, but I didn't really understand what was happening. It was, and I'm going to be honest here, you know, I don't often say this, quite overstimulating. Oh yeah, Pete also sent us to bed. Pete went, we're all overtired. Pete literally at 9.30 went, right guys, you've all got to go, we're all really overtired here. Like everyone's, as if we're like all kids acting out that's had too many Cokes. But it was a little bit like that because we watched this thing and then Instagram lives were happening and fucking all the reaction was happening and fucking there were cats there and fucking people going on and fucking Chuckles was in the corner and video and everything and then smelling salts come out and I thought, listen, we're all getting a bit excited and it's getting late at night now.

9:44It's 9.30. This sort of overstimulation is not good before bed. So true. You know, it was one of them where you just, we all just needed to take a minute. You know, we've all chatted to all our little friends on the internet and that and now I think we need to slow ourselves down because it'll be a struggle to sleep. Did you struggle to sleep? Yeah, because of the adrenaline I was forced to inhale at the end. Just a little bit of backstory. Pete mentioned smelling salts there. Just whilst Pip was like knees deep in the throes of a really bad allergic reaction. Highs, actual highs. She can't open her eyes.

10:18I've gone, this might help, and I've thrown bare 47 smelling salts under her nose. Which had a skull and crossbones on it. I'll be honest with you and said it was basically a waver on the bottle saying you know if death is caused it's your own fault she literally took a massive she goes is this going to help and yes took a massive sniff of it and then went what was that and starts crying and that's when I thought we're all getting a bit excited and it's getting late now you know what I mean like because we're all going to I mean we were about 10 minutes away from building a human pyramid do you know what I mean like and I thought myself oh this is a bit in our pyjamas yeah well yeah It was getting to the point where Sam was about to ask us all to stay and have a sleepover.

10:59And I thought, well, I think this is my time to duck now, isn't it? He's so right. I feel like we were on the cusp of a little pyjama ridden sort of like a little... Pyjama ridden. Yeah. Riding each other in a period. I've never heard of a fucking sleepover. Do you know what we should do this Saturday? What? Have a pyjama ridden party. What happens there? We're all just ridden in pyjamas. So, yeah, it was all getting a bit much for me. And I know what you're like. because the overstimulation and then the come down for you and we had to leave you with your missus and she had to do with a come down of you getting all over excited before bed she loves you by the way yeah yeah she was literally like Pete it's the night she always catches you on such a good mood she literally Pete was on fucking flying formal Monday and she was literally he's just like the nicest guy I've ever met and I'm like how does this happen I was like she keeps meeting you on like the nicest days she was like I don't think I've ever met anyone who's just so sweet sweet You know what I mean?

11:56I bought her a gingerbread man. He did. And she was like, that is the nicest thing. I didn't. They just put two in the bag. Yeah, but she thought you'd actually got one for her. Well, all right. Well, oh shit, I shouldn't have said that. But yeah. So anyway, so that was a little thing. So yeah, I hope you enjoyed the doc. Look out for the uni fuck around. There's no other word for it. Anyway, but it was a busy weekend for us. It was. Because we were upping Manchester for ze Brits. which I fucking loved which I hated I loved it this time that was my favourite one great line up yeah no who was your favourite Ray I think Ray did she perform yes yeah I do like Ray she was great she was fucking phenomenal as was Olivia Dean I do like Olivia Dean she was great Harry Styles at the start look I think we're all aware I missed all of these you missed Harry Styles at the start yeah where were you where was I?

12:55I was scaling the perimeter of the building looking for a smoking area. Oh yeah. There was no smoking area at all. At all. Like none. Four hours. I had to sit there tapping away listening to Jack Whitehall in the background thinking fuck my life. Harry Styles I'm just going to have another look see if I can find somewhere. And that's all I kept doing. That's so funny. You've got like, we belong together. And then just Pete go, fucking shot. It was just a lot. But we were on different tables. What I will say, the red carpet. Both of us, Sam had a lovely new suit on. He spoke to me during the day about what you should wear with that.

13:40Managed to get himself a little black shirt. Half of the course of that. I call Pete before every Brit. I feel like this is what I'm going to go with. What should I do? I think this is one of your best looks. I'm going to be honest with you. You look casual. You look cool. effortlessly cool Pete told me I needed to buy some new trousers which I then subsequently did and bought some really nice wide leg trousers but what Pete also said was that we'd be going at the same time well no no no no no no let me just put this out there you were late no I wasn't late you were very late no I wasn't late I wasn't late because I told you you were late I was early I was there before you what did I tell you?

14:13meet me at the hotel right there we go what did you do? go straight to the carpet so you could have come with me but you didn't because what you did was no no no and this is a Sam thing right it's a little bit like the watch along on Monday watch along's at 8pm 7.15 do you want to come for dinner I live an hour away come to the hotel Sam we can go together got the car sorted happily come with me to the thing no meets me there where are you well I'm fucking 20 minutes away mate well fine I'll wait for you get there He stood at the end of the red carpet on his own, watching everyone, waving people in like he was working there, just waiting for me, mate, for 20 minutes.

14:56It got so awkward. I literally, I walk in and there's like a few, by the way, so when you get out of the car on this red carpet, this isn't always the case, but when you get out of the car, there's like fans of the Brits. They're not fans. I'm sorry to throw this out. They're paid people to scream. No, they're not. Yeah, of course they are. There's someone there that goes, no. and then they all scream because they video it so it looks like there's loads of fucking fans that's what it is that's why every time any time anyone walks past I mean fuck me did you think they were that excited to see you no no you've got the same scream as Harry Styles mate and listen I know you're a national treasure but fucking hell no one gives a fuck that much this is what I was wondering because dude he's turning the car fucking hell mate I got out of the car I'm not joking I'm not joking Pete's completely right I so I'm like I'm in the car I hate and Pete will attest this I hate red carpets I get awkward I don't know what to do like I need Pete there I literally like will wait an hour for him if I have to and I'll like hold his hand and so I go there and I go I get out of the car and there's a car before me someone gets out I don't know who it is and everyone goes mental big screams everyone goes mental for this person I was like oh no like I've got to get out of the car and I've now got to like act as if like I'm like they're not going to know who I am and so I get out of the car and like big screams Pete's I literally went oh fuck you alright then I literally turned out I can just imagine it.

16:16I mean, I didn't see it because I was 20 minutes behind him, but I can imagine Sam probably did a fucking Mexican wave of them all run up and down. I literally ran up to them. I was like, way! Yep, there you go. Thinking they gave me shit. And they're going, fuck off, there's another car. We've got a lot of screaming to do tonight. Fuck, so they're paid. Yeah. I was wondering why they were so lovely. And then I got in and it's basically where all of the people who work for Brits are and they shuttle you through to a different area. And I was basically stood there being like, I'm just waiting for my best friend.

16:42He's coming. I mean, he's literally just going to be like five minutes behind. They were like, okay, you can wait in the side bit. So I'm literally in my black-on-black suit. I look like a butler. And I'm literally stood on the side of the red carpet whilst like different celebs come. Some of them I know, like Vogue Williams comes in. She goes, why are you just standing there? I was like, I'm just waiting for Pete. Then Tom Reed Wilson comes. Why are you standing there just waiting for Pete? Everyone's coming past me. I'm like, I don't understand what you're doing. Then one of the PRs went, you're going to have to move along.

17:08And so I was like, okay, I'm getting ushered away from the red carpet. I was like, I think he's going to be here in mere moments. It's fine. So then I literally went on my own around the carpet. And then I heard. Loitered around at the end. I heard, it's Pete. And I ran all the way back down to go and be next to him. And then we did the carpet together. So, I mean, yeah. I mean, that was that. Carpet, fine. Did the pictures. Didn't do any press. Just went straight in. And, yeah, we were on separate tables. Oh, wait, no, before that, Sharon Osbourne. Mate, so we're on. This is mad. So we're on, me and Pete doing photos together.

17:46And I'm a little bit in front. I turn around. And Sharon Osbourne is like sort of ushering towards like where me and Pete are. She points at Pete. And she's like, I don't think you know Sharon Osbourne, do you? I know Sharon Osbourne. No, no, sorry. You don't know her, right? No. Yeah, so she's literally pointing at Pete. And this is legit. She points at Pete. She goes, you. And goes like as in like how he looks. And it's like, look amazing. just to Pete Pete turns around and goes nice one and then just walks off it's Sharon fucking Osbourne I mean he just puts his hand and goes cool and just fucking turns away I went that's one of those baller things I've ever seen in my life I mean I do I'm a big fan of Sharon Osbourne as well the Osbournes in general I think do you know what I mean like legends I took my phone out I went Sharon Sharon yeah then Sam started trying to film yeah then Sam started trying to film Sharon Osbourne she looked at me like I was a fucking idiot I was literally like it's so upsetting.

18:43What was the highlight of the night for you? Highlight of the night for me. Did you speak to anyone interesting? Do you know who my favorite people of the Brits were? Sean Ryder and his mate. I can't remember his mate's name. Bez from the Happy Mondays. And they rock up onto stage. And they're just like, they're like an echo of a bygone era, right? And they like, the way they are and their energy is just like old school rock stars. he literally bears his going up to the camera going like that so the camera he's walking onto stage and I just thought they were so great it's a bygone era of over consumption of let's say skittles yeah I thought they were brilliant I thought Jack Whitehall was great angry ginge swearing at the Brits did he?

19:29yeah he went well he's an angry man nice orange he went London's a shit hole I met him I shook his hand he was at did you see did you meet him? well I shook his hand someone introduced me He was on our table. So he was on my table and he was like deliberating whether to do the swear. He was literally like, do I do it? Do I not? Oh, well, that's sort of less rock and roll that when you're sort of thinking about making an impression. Oh, yeah. And also, just for the record, London's fucking amazing. He was like, should I, should I? The commissioner was like, you probably was like in charge of our table.

20:00He was like, you probably shouldn't. I don't think you should. He went, yeah, no, I won't. To be fair, he went up and did it. Yeah, well, what a guy. Nothing like that sort of rock star energy when you go, Shall I swear? Shall I not? I don't know. I don't know. Get up to them and go, yeah, fuck London. Everyone goes, whoa. And they go, go on. I knew I did the right thing. Okay, nothing like a thought out fuck up, is there? Oh, my God. Sat next to GK Barry. Tyler, Chloe Burrows. Marv was on my table. Marv was at the Brits. Mate, clutch my purse. No, don't look like that. Well, I have to look like that, mate, because you repeatedly tell everyone he's your best friend, but you sound surprised every time he is anywhere.

20:36It's like, you must have got used to the fact that he's your friend by now. I just think he's such a great guy. Anytime you speak up to Marvin, he's like, from JLS. But like, you speak to him on a daily basis. It's mental behaviour. Like at some point, like you know him. I don't know. Are you aware you know him? Because every time we speak about it, it's like you've won a competition. I just love, I just think he's such a great guy. You haven't told us. Pete, it's the same reason why I wait for you on the red car. I've known you for about fucking 10 years. No, no, no. No, the reason you do that is because you can't walk on your own.

21:07Walk.

21:11I thought you meant like walk as in like walk it, walk the carpet. Like, you know, when models, like they do the walk. Are you malfunctioning? Maybe. I'm not.

21:24Walk.

21:27Walking. Is that funny when you walk? I thought you meant as in like that's what... What else were you going to crawl? Oh, crawl. It's the same reason. Fucking Beavis and Butt-head today, isn't it? Walk. I just like who I like. And I like Pete and I like Marv. And it was really nice to see him. I just never, you're right, he is at quite a few things, but it's always so lovely to see him. He is a lovely guy. Dressed head-to-tone leather. Yeah. Quite hot. Yeah. And he stayed the night in Manchester as well. And he never. Why have you made that sound? Like potentially he's done something wrong. Hey, exclusive, he stayed the night in Manchester.

22:08I thought we'd be getting a car back, but he was like, no, it's too late. Well, no, you're the only person that for some unknown fucking reason decided that one in the morning, that would be a good time to get a car home. Like, through the night, you got home at half past four in the morning, right? You could have stayed and got up early in the morning and left then like I did. but no drive through the night I just got to be home I'm going to drive through the night and then your whole Sunday's fucked you melt yeah do you know what I didn't realise that no one else was doing it do you know what I imagine it was because you thought Marv was doing it Marv it was got the title of the episode Marvin Hume stays in Manchester just wild but yeah no listen it was a good night it's always fun and it's always a blessing that we even get invited to those sort of things.

23:01Oh, I don't know. I've just remembered. Sorry. Oh, that's all right. Don't apologise, mate. It's all right. It was your nightmare, not ours. Oh, I messaged Miles Smith. I've just remembered. Yeah. Messaged Miles Smith. Because I actually had a few drinks at the Brit. And I was like, I was like. Sorry, did you booty call Miles Smith? Is that what you're saying? You've made that sound. What do you mean? Saying what? Fancy a bit. I messaged. What do you mean? What do you mean? You've made that sound. I messaged Miles Smith. I had a few drinks. and I was just a little bit horny. Oh, fancy a bit. Where are you?

23:32I basically messaged him and I was like, are you in the premises? No, where are we at? Are you in the premises? I was just like, are you here? Are you in the stadium? Are you in the premises? Are you in the stadium? Are you in the area? I found a lovely toilet. What do you mean? What were you hoping to get back from this? Basically, are you at the fucking Brits? Right. Are you at the Brits? But why didn't you say, why did you go, are you in the premises? No, I'm panicking. What? But you're panicking now after it's happened. I was like, are you with the Brits? And he went, no, I've left. He was like, I'm at the Sony party.

24:05And I went, oh, okay. I was like, where's that? And he was like. It was a booty call. What are you doing after? I then asked him for the address. I was like, what's the address? I'll come to you. And then I doubled down and went, don't worry. Just found the Sony table. I'll ask them. He didn't reply. Did you not? but you were driving home anyway so you weren't going to go I wanted to see him before I let me I think we're better friends than we are he's like there's fucking losers like what's the address I didn't do any after parties I went straight back to the hotel I went home sorry don't apologise mate carry on are you ok?

24:55I don't know I think so Are you sure? Yeah. Are you overtired again? Stimulating. Did you have a little smelling salts before the fucking pod? Because the adrenaline is hitting. Like I said. Sorry, so you stayed over. Yes, I did. And then, yeah, and then left the next morning. But I didn't do any after parties. I was very well behaved. Because I always find it's just a lot, isn't it? There's different after parties at different venues in Manchester. None of them are good. And then it's leaving there to then get to somewhere else and kind of do all that sort of crap. and there's fucking press everywhere and all sorts of stuff.

25:29And to be honest with you, at that point, I just, when I got back to the hotel, Sam had come to pick up Tally for the drive home. So met them for a cigarette in the hotel, which was nice. Tally looked lovely. Well, she was in a tracksuit at that point, but all her face and that looked nice. You were still in your suit. And it kind of looked like you'd picked, I mean, it did look like you'd picked your kid up. Because you were, well, you were in a full suit and she was in a tracksuit. He's like, come on, darling. So he'd come out and lift and I had a little cigarette outside and he was like, Tully, come on, let's go.

26:04Why did you go? I'm still so confused at what the idea of driving through the night was. Do you know what? Well, first of all, it's just because I don't obviously drink all that often and I get a bit nervous if I like these sort of after parties and stuff. You just make one wrong move. You didn't have to go to the after bar, I didn't. I know, but, like, I probably would have. So I was just like, you know what, it's just better just to, like, just swerve all of that, go home, wake up to your own bed. Is that why you regret messaging Miles Stevenson or whatever? That was so embarrassing. What's his name?

26:35Miles Smith. Smith. That was so embarrassing. Yeah, no, actually, no, it was nice, though, to wake up in my own bed, to be fair. So do you know what, actually, talking about, look, I was saying this to Pippa, talking about looking like Tally's dad, she called me her little balding man. Oh, it's my favourite thing. Yeah, well, so, listen, I don't want her out. you both but they've got lovely little nicknames for each other um sam calls her tiny uh and she is tiny so um very nice she calls him bean i'm not sure what that's in reference to well i don't know maybe that's just after spray tans baked bean um but it evolved on monday uh to tiny little balding man which is my favorite really painful so that's um tlbm well you must have had a couple I can't imagine you're a nickname guy actually in a relationship.

27:25No, not really. They're there for a nickname. The only sort of nickname I've been called by people I've seen is ****. Quite often get that one. It's nearly as I'm leaving the door. As they're throwing your clothes at you as you leave. No, I've never really had a nickname, I don't think. No, I've never done it. Well, I've never been really long enough to have a nickname. It's a bit weird. Shit, I can't wait for a first Pete Wicks nickname. Oh, my God. when that day comes and I hope it's something super like, just like fluffy. Do you know what I mean? What, like the nickname for me would be fluffy?

28:01No, imagine if they call him like Bunny. Boo. Yeah, boo. Boo-boo. Yeah. Boo-boo? Yeah. We should make... Don't do that while twiddling your hair. My little boo. My little boo-boo and then pizza. The boo-boo? If you were like dating though, a Rebecca, for example, would you just go with Rebecca? Not like Beck. Becky. Beck? Her name's Rebecca. Bec is the most disgraceful. Bex. Her name's Rebecca. So you'd only call her. No, come on. Like, she's your girlfriend. You've been with her for a year. You're only ever calling her Rebecca. Yeah. Yes. No, I'm hearing what people are saying here. Like, they do, like.

28:36Well, if that. What does she want to be. I don't suppose you went up to tell him and went, I'd rather you call me Bean. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's. I mean, I haven't made up. If she's called Rebecca, but everyone calls her Bex, then I'll call her Bex. Unless. But I would still prefer. I can't imagine Pete calling her Bex. But she doesn't exist. So how can you not imagine it? Of course you can't. Now we've got Olive and Bex. Bex is the new... Yeah, but like, I wouldn't just like randomly come up with like Pookie. Do you know what? Or Pookie? I could imagine that if we could all just close our eyes, just imagine, right?

29:10So like Pete's like in the kitchen, like they're rustling something up and like he needs... Rebecca! And he needs... No, no, no. He needs something out of like one of the drawers, like a spice from the drawers. I need a spice from the drawer. yeah because occasionally when I'm at home I'm just like where is that oregano and he's like Rebecca where's the cumin Bex passed me the cumin like do you know when someone said something really like just I can imagine him saying it so matter-of-factly though Bex can you pass the spice please what am I after the spice for I don't know maybe you're cooking something spicy fucking hell anyway look so that was the Brits We had a lovely time.

29:51Look forward to it next year. Oh, God. On to big news. It's coming around to that time of year where announcements are being made for all sorts of different things. And I know we'd like to give you all sorts of different announcements, but this is a big one. We like to make Sam's dreams come true here. This is a dream that we have absolutely no part in whatsoever. But Sam is officially returning to Soccer Aid. He was worried about getting the call up this year. I'm going to be honest with you. And that is purely down to past performances because he hasn't set the pitch alight, I'll be honest with you, in previous years.

30:35The year before, he ran around like a headless chicken and got taken out by Roman Kemp. And last year, he could barely walk, having done the mammoth challenge that he did, which we are still very proud of him for. But he did manage to make it, hobbled himself onto the pitch, to get a few minutes. This year, he's fighting fit and he's back. So, predictions. Do we think this is the year where you will sort of just... I want a goal. Well, let's... Listen. Reach for the stars, mate. But let's just concentrate on do you think you'll touch the ball? A few times, yeah. And I don't just mean walk it onto the pitch this time.

31:10I don't know because, mate, if you think about it, right, the first time I played, I just won the jungle. So you get a lot of minutes because you're like a known person, right? It's a shame you didn't do anything with them. Well, exactly, mate. This is the problem. So I got 43 minutes that time. That's a lot of minutes. You were on the pitch for 43 minutes? Yeah. And I tried to lob Petr Cech and I missed. Missed the ball. I didn't play very well. And then last year, I was so nervous. Yeah, nerves. And then last year, obviously. Last year, we'll give you a buy-on because you were injured. But this year, like.

31:45Well, you're returning. This is third year, so you must be comfortable. But no, but the point is that I think you get less and less minutes as like, you know, you're not like the big name coming on. Do you know what I mean? You're just like a guy. You say that, Tom Grennan gets more every year because he's good. Yeah, but Tom Grennan's a machine. Well, yeah, he's a great footballer. So have you been training? Because I think the problem is last year you couldn't train. I'm going to start training. I think maybe we need to get some drills going and different things. I have a lot of experience in football.

32:09I'm a, if in doubt, kick it out type of player. I'm quite happy to do some drills with you where I see if you can avoid tackles. They seem to have wanted two foot studs up. Sort of fucking. I mean, if you can get past me, then, you know, I think you can get past anyone because I am sort of a Palo and Waldini of the kind of world, you know. I'm not surprised you know who he is. Well, I've been to the football recently. But I think we should start some staying relevant drills. Josh is our resident athlete, as he repeatedly tells us. Josh, a big football fan, thinks he's a bit of a baller as well, Josh.

32:46So maybe the three of us could go and have a kickabout? I would love that. Yeah, let's do it. I would flipping love that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah? All right, great. So we're going to have a little kickabout because we need to get you prepared because I don't think this is your third chance. Yeah. It's like three strikes and you're out. You don't get a fourth. You don't get a fourth unless you make an impact. I've got to score. Now, we're not saying that you have to score. I do. Well, it depends where you're playing, mate, because, I mean, they just, you know, where are you going to be positioned on the pitch?

33:10What's your ideal position? Left wing. Left wing. Okay. All right. Although I'm not as fast as I used to be now, so I don't know. All right. Well, we'll get some interval training, some sprints going. You know what I mean? It's like that. I know we're joking, but Soccer Aid is such a huge deal. And for people like me, for someone who loves football. I don't want to go. That makes me not want to go. And I went last year. No, you did. You came all the way up to Manchester. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I get that. But it's going to be, I'm really fucking excited. The only thing I would say is, you know, not much fanfare.

33:44You know, Jordan North at Capitol, he got Tom Hiddleston coming and delivering the shirt. Well, yeah. Don't you dare know, because I know you haven't.

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35:20Get the full report at acast.com slash pulse.

35:28I know you haven't because Tom, I love Tom. No, and I'm going to be honest here. We tried, but he went home. He said, oh God, I still haven't replied to that mess. I need to start into DMs again, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it worked really well with Miles Stevens. Miles Smith. But this is going to be a big year because it is, and, you know, I think it's about time she actually entered the pod. We talk about it so much. How is Tally feeling about being a wag? She's coming. She's coming to the game. She's coming to the game. Amazing. She's coming to the game. Lovely. Will she have a sort of a shirt with Thompson on the back?

36:05Yeah, I've already got her. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. It's going to be really nice. Yes, I think so. Maybe. Which one? Well, I don't know. Because I don't know if they give, like, Socrate shirts. I don't really know. Well, she could just wear a Chelsea shirt. I've got her a Chelsea shirt with Thompson on the back. Yeah, that has happened. She likes coming to the football with me. Thompson forever. Yeah, she really likes it. Could have fought number four ever. Me and her. Me and her have been to three games together. Three Chelsea games together. Fucking hell. Which I don't know. But I just think that's really nice.

36:32It's cute. I don't know. one girl who like wants to come to the football and she's like if you know I'm gonna go with I'll go with you I was like that's so cool I mean it is amazing though that like do you think I mean it's a shame because you won't be able to do it this year obviously I imagine previously in your single era obviously you know we used Raya to make people think that you're a footballer oh fuck off with the England shirt on um just in case there's no we don't need to do that this year um Tani is aware that you're not a footballer though. What Pete is referring to there is, and I did take it down because it was a little bit misleading.

37:11Do you think? It's on my rare profile. It's like me putting up a picture of me in a police uniform and going cleaning up the streets. I had as my profile photo my soccer aid photo, which was at Stamford Bridge. But no, no, no, it wasn't just like a soccer aid, like, look I am, it's him on the pitch. like sweating yeah I mean the rain pouring down in the background with an England shirt on with like an official England shirt on so it looks like I'm actually playing for my country yeah and I got told pretty swiftly to take that one down it was like mate that's so embarrassing so I actually didn't take it down I put it into the fourth it was on the fourth slide well we are very very proud of you um for your third appearance on Soccer Aid um so make sure you support Soccer Aid as well is for UNICEF.

37:59It's incredible. You know what to do. We kind of did it last year, but it's an amazing thing and it's amazing that you're doing it again. Have it. And it's amazing that they've asked you back. It could be the last time. Not if you get the fucking goal. Not if I get the goal. Have you thought about a kind of a football celebration? Yes, I have thought about my celebration a lot, a lot. I know exactly what I'm doing. Shirt off, literally swan dive into crowd in the corner by the flag. Swan dive into crowd? Yeah, 100%. Swan dive into crowd. If I score, it's shirt off and one of these straight in.

38:30Hopefully I'm not going to land on a kid because there's a lot of kids there. Yeah, perhaps just a swan dive onto the pitch and then into the, if you go into the crowd. I just, it would be the best, it would be the best feeling ever. Well, we're very excited for you. But also, you know, we're always very proud of you. We're very proud of Louise. He said, she said, is part of the Stay in Relent family, which is amazing. But you have all recently been introduced to my favourite Thompson. walking big Mike entered the chat MT see what I did there MT he I mean just just a fucking ledge really he's such a good lad I was I'm so surprised that they got dad on the fucking podcast I I cannot I cannot believe he agrees to do it he always keeps pretty low key to be fair so yeah the fact that he went on I'm terrified to know what people think.

39:27Because you know what dad's like, mate? He's like pretty, he's just very himself and set in his ways. I think he's great. I genuinely get rid of him. Modern people are like, I feel like you don't know if he's going to go down well or not. Well, but he's obviously very, very proud of you both. He's very proud of what we've done here as a business. He actually referred to us as staying irrelevant. Oh my fucking God. Clip is on your WhatsApp if you want to have a little look. Oh Jesus Christ. those questions are both great for another day exactly i agree sam has missed the assignment because the really important question that he failed to ask you at the beginning yeah staying irrelevant no no he didn't even joke that wasn't a joke

40:18he then did a wanker sign it's so obvious Listen, you're not going on staying irrelevant. You're staying on our show. I'll just show you the... Here we go, really? Yeah. Staying irrelevant. No, no, no. Staying irrelevant. Wait for it, Sam. You're not going on staying irrelevant. Well, I mean, you know, it's actually...

40:43So, we love... He's such a fucker. We love Big Mike. My dad. I mean, listen, I think if he came on here, he might be my favourite guest because we could have a rant off. Oh my God, yeah, that would be dead. The amount, I don't know if anything can get used. I feel like everything would be on the top of a pill. Poor Pippa would be sweating. The amount of typing she would be doing. Also, Dad's the only bloke I know who's 75 and throwing out a wanker sign. Like, he shuffles along in his fucking, in his new, he gets box fresh New Balance and wears tracksuit bottoms and a gilet. And like, which none of it works and matches.

41:20And he just shuffles along. And he just like throws a wanker sign. You're like, what's going on? Listen, Big Mike is the guy. But on a serious note, he is very, very proud of you. We have the whole Thompson family who are now podcasters. One of them is successful. And that happens to be your dad, which is wild. But he did say that you were actually a very good child and you were easier than Louise. Yeah, by a mile. Okay. All right. Mate, by a mile. She was fucking terrible. My God. She was awful. Why was she awful? Oh, my God. She had such a bad temper. My sister used to chase me round. Bear in mind, she was like three foot tall at this point.

42:04She would chase me round. What was she, about 21, 22? Mate, not that far off. She was probably like 13. And she would grab the Sky Remote and chase me round. like the living room like there was a little table and the living room chased around it trying to hit me in the back of the head with fucking the sky mode. She was ferocious. She had a left hook on her. My sister, bear in mind, we all know how small she is, but she's quite built. Like she, no, that doesn't sound right, does it? Yeah. I always look at Louise and think you're a fucking unit. No, but it's like, my sister's very strong. She's really strong.

42:40Wiry. Mate, she's got a left hook like you wouldn't believe. She once punched my dad in the arm. And did he mention that? He told that whole story in the house. On the Eiffel Tower? Yeah, on the Eiffel Tower. He told the whole story. And then how she ripped a fistful of your hair out. Yeah, yeah. I didn't do anything, by the way. Oh, is that recent?

43:01Because you might not have to go to Turkey because that'll grow back. Fuck off. Mate, my sister, when we were on the Eiffel Tower, I wasn't doing anything, by the way. I was just silent. She had an argument with my dad. and she gave him a left hook and then turned around to me and I'm just looking off the side of the view and just grabs my hair and pulls out. I was like, what the fuck is that? I was way easier than my sister. I'm surprised that you've been a good child, I must say. Yeah, no, I just used to get well into my... Actually, I'm not, because you are a fucking goody two-shoes. Am I? You are a bit of a Jobsworth goody two-shoes type.

43:38Do you know what I mean? Like... What the fuck was that? Well, mate, your tummy's constantly brown. Like, you're just one of them. And I imagine that was the same as you were a kid. Like, you know what I mean? I just, I can just see it. Like, you doing something naughty is like a big, I can't just, I can't imagine you being that naughty. Do you know what? I was naughty at school, but I wasn't naughty at home because I was just always, I was just gaming a lot. What do you mean you was a naughty? Like, you wouldn't, you wouldn't sort of, like. No, I literally, I was quite a standard kid. I literally just went to the park, played football with the boys, came back in, played Nintendo 64.

44:13Put in all that practice for soccer, right? Went to bed. I've been training for years. Had trumpet practice, and that was about it. Oh, my good God. Fucking hell. Oh, fuck you, Luke. You know what? We spoke a lot about me. On to you, I think, mate, because you've got a massive weekend. Yeah, what segue? Mate, you do. You've got a huge weekend. You're off to crafts this weekend, mate. You are. Do you know what the funny thing is? Not that it's not funny at all, but like you've done, you're the dog guy. You are now the dog guy. You're like the Claire Balding of the new generation. I think that may be the worst reference I've ever heard.

44:48No, you are. Because someone in the cab, I was in a black cab actually recently, and a guy literally turned out, I wouldn't really expect a cabbie to be watching. It's amazing who watches that dog show, I'll be honest with you. It's a real variety. Yeah, but he turns around, he goes, how's your mate Pete? I went, yeah, he's really good. He goes, my God, I love his dog show. I was like, fucking great. but you are mate you're the dog guy the dog whisperer does anyone watch that Cesar Millan the dog whisperer I um yeah do you know what there was worse things for people to it's the thing that people speak to me most about now is the dogs and everything else well who doesn't love a dog do you know what it's really it's nice actually because if there's one thing I do like to speak about it's dogs so now when I'm out and people talk to me about the dogs they get a conversation at me previously when it was like who the fuck go away but now so if you do ever see me out and you just go I like dogs and I go fucking do you so what is Crust like talk me through what you're going to be doing Crust is like a dog show I'll be honest with you I'd love to talk you through it Sam but I've got no idea you're going to turn off for the day I'm there yeah yeah I'm not entirely sure so what do they do at Crust though so Crust is it's different it's best in show competition it's like a dog let's call it dog pageant show if you like for all different breeds and all sorts of stuff.

46:07But I will be going. Roddy and Eric will not be going. Not even Roddy's? I mean, Eric's a bit old. Yeah, Eric's a little bit old. And Roddy, listen, he's a baby. It's just loads and loads of dogs, loads of people. I imagine it would be quite a lot for him to go. So I won't be there. Oh, sorry. I'm going to be there. Sorry, I've decided that I won't be there. I was talking about myself there. there's just loads of dogs, loads of people. So I've just actually, now I think about it and I've said it out loud, I won't be there. No, I'll be going, but the dogs won't. So, but what does like best in show mean?

46:45You mentioned there, like, what does that, like, what would they like dress them up or what? No, no, no, no, no. So it's breed specific or group specific dogs. And then when you win your group, you kind of go on to the best in show. And best in show is the best example of that breed or that group. It's like the world's largest dog show effectively. So we're talking thousands of dogs. And do they like, I might be wrong here, but do they like run and the dogs run next to them and do like. Yeah. So you see, well, you have agility there as well. You have all sorts of stuff. And previously, because I'm an advocate for Adopt Don't Shop 100%.

47:20But there's all sorts of different categories now and it's really kind of opened up. But it's for basically dog mad people go to kind of craft. So there will be thousands of dogs there. Thousands of dog mad people there. So obviously I'm going to be there. I asked you a question. Yes. And still, three years on, you don't have to put your hand up. Like, has a dog ever just been, like, in one of these things and just, like, nature calls and it just has to do that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, all the time. There are so many. Do you mark it down for that? I'm not judging. But would you get marked down if your dog, like, did a deuce?

47:54Sorry? Did a deuce, did a deuce, that's a word, isn't it? Defecated. Defecated, yeah. No, I don't think you get marked down. I don't know the judging rules, if I'm honest with you, because, you know, it's not my forte, that one. But I don't see why you would, you know, when nature calls. You know, your dog can't go to you just before you're back to do, God, I fucking need a shit. You're going to have to hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Rodney would be awful. It'd be a fucking nightmare. But, yeah, loads of different things happen. But, listen, if you're a dog person, that's just kind of what happens.

48:25But there's loads of really, really kind of funny little bits that have happened over years. They do all sorts of different kind of – You have, like, the police are there showing, you know, police dog training. It's a whole dog, anything dog-related really is going to be there at Crafts. So anyone that loves dogs will be going along to that. But it did get me thinking about best in show. Because you have, like, gun dogs, working dogs. You have, you know, different breeds, different all sorts of stuff. If you were going to be best in show at something, at the world's largest bloke show, what do you think you would be best in show at?

49:04I genuinely think that I would be pretty damn close to best in show at lightsaber dueling. Like, I've spent a lot of time in my lightsaber recently. I'm going to be honest with you. It's not often that I have experience in this sort of stuff. I don't have experience in lightsabers. Just putting that out there, I'm not that fucking sad. but I have seen on tinternet it's cool oh right that's the last thing it is oh right I thought you were going to be like people actually have training there's actually like championships for lightsaber joining but they don't touch each other they just have lightsabes and then they describe what sort of fighter they are with the non-contact light up sticks that they have you've never been part of that but there's actual championships but you do think you could just enter and win oh 100 % right yeah I mean I have seen the type of people that do it and I think you have a fair chance.

49:53My blade skill is phenomenal. I'd go for a single saber. I don't need, because you can dual wield as well or you can actually do a double ender. But I'd just be a solo saber. And yeah, I genuinely think I'd be so, so good at it because I practice in my kitchen like all the time. And do you just practice with a single or do you double end sometimes? No, I don't have a double end. I've only got a single. So that's Darth Maul's got a double end. Right, okay, okay. And do you have to be a character or can you just be Sam Thompson and a lightsaber? or do you? I like to be a Jedi. You like to be a Jedi?

50:23Yeah, I like to be a Jedi. Why? What is it about being a Jedi? I just quite like the idea of being a Qui-Gon Jinn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I look at you and I think to myself that is a double ending Qui-Gon Jinn. Yeah, Qui-Gon Jinn. Qui-Gon Jinn. But that's what I'd be best in show. I'd like to say with Dueling for me, I genuinely think I'd be really good. Yeah. What would you be?

50:46Sort of, I think I'd be a good starer.

50:53what i don't think there's many people that outstair me what without blinking or just like just in general like how long can you fix the gaze for because i can fixate on something yeah for a long time because i make up stories in my head like now yeah i don't have to take my eyes off for you because i am just thinking what sad little man you are um with your sort of double ending fucking light sticks i'm just sitting there being like you know that hurt my feelings but it's okay we're gonna move on no no no but this wasn't a conversation i'm just still fix that you don't i can't even that's not what happens i can't even maintain eye contact i i i do the opposite whenever i speak to someone and this is actually the autism i i can't no i can't i cut yeah i've broken his gaze i can't stare at someone in the eyes when i'm talking to them like this so i'll speak to you right and then i'll look down i'll match match your eyes then i'll look away whilst talking and then i'll come back to your eyes for like a split second and then I'll go round again.

51:45Yeah. I can never fix a gaze. But yeah, listen. Staring, a stare off. Maybe we can look at getting you sort of involved in a light stick game. I would love that. I would love that. What do you think? So whack this on the list because we've got some things, because we've got to prep him for Soccer Aid. You know what I mean? So me, Sam and Josh are going to have a kickabout. so whack that in the diary but then also we need to get a little bit of training in for for the old quagmire gin man quagmire for when we enter him into the world championships world championships I guess I could be best in show for slightly little glasses slightly little glasses which by the way loads of people want you to start your own slightly little glasses brand really actually yeah yeah maybe we could do a collab.

52:43Let's give you a little shout out for Dinelli. Dinelli could release a slightly little glasses range. But we could do a Dinelli slightly little glasses range. I would love to. I would fucking love to. I said I'd love to go into, well, we're already in business together with this podcast, but I would love to go into business with Pete. I was saying I want to start a spray tan with Pete. Don't roll your eyes at that. I'm rolling my eyes because this is a true thing. And I'll be honest with you. if people were going to come to us for spray tans all they've got to do is look back a few months and go that is not a place I want to go for fucking spray tans because it would be like but you know that's what that was actually about it wasn't about him trying to look good he's just been road testing a lot of spray tan machines and he's come out with the Thompson tanner well Molly May's got one Vo Williams got one everyone's got a tanning like sort of like moose and I just feel like there's no unisex one so I feel like me and you But I don't think they advertise, I don't think Molly or Vogue advertise it as only for vaginas.

53:41What? Well, I think a bloke could use... Oh, yeah. Sorry. I thought you meant like this is only to be put on your vagina. Well, no, everything else needs it. It'd be a bit weird if you were really pale and just had a fucking sort of an orange vagina, wouldn't it? You know what I mean? This has gone weird. But also, whoever spray tanned you, did they say, is it different? Do they go, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. God, I nearly put the girl's one on you. this is a separate one for me. No, I just don't think it's been marketed very well for blokes. I just, I think there's a gap in the market.

54:11What, and you think you're a good advocate for spray tans? I could be. You could use what I had for water. Fucking this poor s*** was up in fucking, up in arms looking at the grading when it comes to you. You look radioactive when you were sat there, mate. But that's probably because you were using the girls' one. I know, I was so, but this is the thing, like everyone has a different shade that matches their skin. I haven't found my shade yet. Fucking, you can say that again. Fuck's sake. Jesus Christ we're on to pop culture now okay oh I didn't know this sorry Pippa's just put this apparently Tom Holland and Zendaya are secretly married good

54:49I actually do really like Tom Holland well I'm happy I'm happy for him I think she's stunning they're secretly everything though aren't they they're very they're very sort of like closeted I feel like Tom Holland and Zendaya well it's a call into claim made by Zendaya's long-time stylish Law Roach. Well, that's bold, isn't it? Well, fuck it, yeah. Fuck it. What if your stylist is giving away that news? That's huge. Yeah, it's mental. Glad he told us, though. She'll be living at that. Oh, she'll be going nuts. Any time I see it, and she always goes, I like to keep everything private, and I go, Zendaya, don't worry, I ain't going to tell a soul.

55:27But you shouldn't trust your stylist, because he sings like a canary. Well, it's called Roach as well. I mean, that's not good, is it? That's not a good start. That's terrible. Well, it's lucky his first name's not Cock.

55:41Would you ever get married in secret or would you let the world know? The world doesn't need to know whether I'm married or not. It doesn't have an impact on the world. It has an impact on me. So if I was going to get married, I would fuck off to Vegas, get married, be witnessed by, I don't know, whoever's on the street at the time. and then there's no absolutely no need why does anyone need to know and then if someone happens to go you man I go yeah how long for nine years what's it got to do with everyone else would I be best man because you know you'd be my best man but would I genuinely because we've had this joke before if I had a best man to be honest with you if I was going to do it it would be a spare moment I'd just fuck off and do it I'd come back and have a bit of a party and that you'd call me and be like look man I need a best man yeah I'd call you and I'd be like I'll be back next week are we doing the pod Listen, I don't think it needs to be Would I do it in secret?

56:33Yeah, probably Listen, I think marriage If you're going to do all that It's about the two people, isn't it? I want a really nice wedding day Well, I mean, yeah What were you laughing at that for? What does it involve? Yeah, talk us through your wedding day I mean, have you discussed this? Well, yeah, I just thought Because every little girl thinks about their wedding day When they grow up, don't they? I've thought about mine I thought I was either go like countryside like England summer countryside in like a nice old school church yeah or you do the full shebang or I would go abroad and go to like you know this is a bit standard but like maybe go to like a Greek island or something like that and a bit standard I don't know how many people do that but yeah no no it's relatable yeah and and I'd love to like go to like somewhere hot maybe and then all like my best my nearest and dearest come out that'd be just fucking great because it's a day I haven't thought about this at all.

57:28I thought about it a lot. So all we've come up with is a nice church or hot, like Greece. Well, no, because it'd be quite nice to go away because you can spend about three days then, everyone getting to know each other, people who don't necessarily know each other, like friends of the bride, friends of the groom, and they all come together. Yeah, I do. Little boat party the day, like two days before or something like that. Yeah, make an event out of it. Yeah, make an event. Then you gear up towards the big day. Quite selfish. Where did that come from? Well, I always think this, like, you know.

58:01Really excited about that. Just cuts to it quite selfish. Weddings in themselves, you know, I get it. It's nice for you, you're getting married. It's a lot of effort for everyone else. Like, even like, you know, I quite often, if I get invited to weddings, I say I can't attend the day because I'm busy and just come for the buffet in the evening because I don't need to sit. I know what happens during the day. Do you take this? Get it. You're all going to say fucking yeah. like gone are the days where the exciting shit happens where someone goes I object you know what I mean people don't do that anymore so and it kind of ruins the sort of unpredictability of them other than that they're quite dull and they're long old days but when you go away for a couple of days what you're asking people to do is take the time off work to selfishly go and celebrate you like we all give a fuck as much as you do and we don't so quite selfish I'll see you when you get back do you know what I mean like so we're getting married in Thailand great so it's going to cost me five grand to go and sit and watch something I don't really give a fuck about.

58:58Do you know what I mean? I've got to use my annual leave to go and watch you in Thailand. I'm your best friend. Eh? I'm your best friend. Yeah, and you still will be when you get back and tell me all about it. Show me a couple of snaps. But what a waste of my time. I'd want you to marry me. I don't want to marry you. Actually, no, I want you to be best man. I already know who I'm best man to be. Oh, sorry, when you say marry me, you're not proposing, you meant the vicar. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right, yeah, sorry, I was confused there. That was sort of a really awkward proposal. I'd want you to know. I know you'd be best man, actually.

59:30Well, you don't know. You haven't asked and I haven't said yes. What if someone invited you to a three-day wedding Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday? Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday? That's a tough ask. What if, okay, I'm getting married and I invite you to my wedding. On the Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday? The wedding day is the Thursday, but I want you to come out on the Tuesday. Well, it's really inconvenient for me. You'd have to change it because I do the dog show on Tuesday. Then I have a stand with him Wednesday and the dog show Thursday. I want you to come on the Tuesday for the boat party. Wednesday for the, I don't know what, barbecue.

59:58Thursday is my wedding day. And then if you could stay the Friday as well, because I'm going to do the celebration after. Yeah. Well, no, I have a lovely time, but I'm busy. You wouldn't come? I'd send you a nice gift. I'd be there. Yeah, he can go for the both of us. I'll do your video.

1:00:14Sorry, I can't be there. Put it on the big screen. Sorry, I can't be there, but someone's got to look after staying relevant since you've taken the whole fucking team. You know what I mean? I know it's your wedding. but think about everyone else. Would we be, we'd probably be sort of... And I'd probably have to pay for everyone to go as well so I couldn't afford my own flight. We'd be bridesmaids. Yeah, probably. Would we? Yeah, I think we would. Oh, I'm glad you've signed us up for that. I think we would. Thanks for letting me know. We'd be bridesmaids for you, 100%. I would have you as bridesmaids.

1:00:40Because we couldn't be best friends. I don't want to be. You can't say no. I can't get the time off, darling, so don't worry about me getting a bridesmaid. You can't say no. You don't even know when it is. What do you mean I can't say no? You can't say no. Oh, there's nothing like taking your guests hostage at your own wedding. And then forcing them to pay five grand. Yeah, yeah, for the fucking wedding. You can't say no. And chances are, we'd end up fucking paying for a wedding anyway. Yeah. What do you think of hen do's when, like... I'm not coming on that either. When there's a guy who's invited to hen do's.

1:01:08What do you think? No, no, no. The maid of honour makes a group chat and she's like, hey, everyone, like, hen do's come open a few weeks. So excited. If you could all transfer me, like,£800 by next Friday. But it's another thing. When you do that and you get different walks of life, it can be, because it does put people in a position. And I do think sometimes, as much as you want to do nice things, there has to be different levels of stuff, because it does get to a point where suddenly it's, you know, we've got the fucking stag do, we're off to Vegas, and then fucking two months later, we're all getting married in fucking Singapore.

1:01:37Do you know what I mean? Like, well, fuck me. Singapore? So basically, you're asking all your fucking pals and that to bang out ten bags for the fucking year. and you're like, but it's your wedding. I don't care about your wedding. I've got my own wedding to pay for. I can't do 10 grand on your fucking thing. So I do feel like you have to accommodate what you want and who you want there. So actually when it comes down to it, listen, if all your mates are like your fucking mates and they've all got trust funds, fucking go away, do what you fucking want. Mate, I can't afford to come on your fucking do.

1:02:09Do you know what I mean? It's one of them where you have to think about it. So sometimes I think to myself, look, if you're going to do a stag do, you should do a UK fucking base tag do. For people who can't make the abroad one. And if you've got, listen, if you've got to fucking pay for them, like if you want people to go pay for them, and it's the same with going away. If you're going to do something away, what I wouldn't do is invite 120 people to have to fly to fucking Timbuktu for my wedding. Like, because that's mad because you're asking people because then they'll feel bad, but then they have to, it's a lot for people to do that.

1:02:37But if you wanted to go away and get married, fucking pay for them to go then. Pay for everyone's fucking flights and then go, do you know what, I want you to come and celebrate with me. Because they don't want to celebrate as much as you fucking do. They're not marrying the fucking bitch. But what if it's the bride? No, she's not a bitch. What if it's the bride, and as people said, it is like the hen do, and there's always one who's like, yeah, yeah, no, I'd love to come, and then they're just like, I only got the salad. If my bride really wanted people there, and she really wanted to go and do something, I'd cover the hen do.

1:03:06You put people in a position where they feel they have to, because they're your friend, and it's like, oh, such an honour to be invited. I'm not honoured if you invite me to your wedding, right? Unless you're going to, like, if it's an inconvenience to me, there's no honour in that. Do you know what I mean? I'd be very honoured to come to your wedding. Well, yeah, but if I went to, right, yeah, I need you to come to the wedding, and let's say you had something fucking big going on, and then I went, yeah, but also I'm having it, you know, in fucking New Zealand, and you're like, oh, yeah, but I'm sort of working.

1:03:39What, you're not going to come to my fucking wedding? I thought you was mum, I'd go, all right, bud, don't worry.

1:03:46like why would you make something do you know what i mean like because that's so unfair that everyone has to change their life around your fucking wedding i just think there's there's no consideration for other people whatsoever sometimes with them sort of things so quite often i just don't go and and out of principle and the fact i don't want to well looks like my wedding will be in the country and by the way not even get married so i don't know where this is coming from yeah no but no but if you did you'd make an effort but if there was something like you know I try and pay for people's flights for sure yeah do you know what I mean like if you really want them there yeah and you know it's that big an inconvenience then fucking cover it because they I'm sure people want to be there but sometimes you just can't yeah like you know when it comes to money and things like that and I do think you fucking you know what I mean like because it does it makes people and then they have to start worrying about it and then you know if they've got a fucking husband the husband's got to take the time off work and he's like I don't even fucking like them you know what I mean you're dragging them along and then you've got fucking kids to pay and suddenly going to someone else's wedding has cost you fucking 10 grand.

1:04:46I do love a stag though. A stag's fucking great. It is crazy though, isn't it? Like normally, I don't mean to sort of like stigmatize but I'm going to. Normally the stags have an amazing time and they're like grooms, different friendship groups you've never met before, like bro out, become best pals and like everything's just happy ever after. Not so much on the hen do's. hen do's from what i've gathered from people that i know are like really like there's like a 50 chance there's gonna be a massive bust up someone's worn the wrong fucking thing and i'll tell you why that is right with blokes whoever the best man is the rest of the the fellas go fucking hell thank god it's not me it's a lot of fucking yeah yeah i can't they just have to be there you know i mean an usher great yeah love being an usher perfect it means he appreciates me but i'm just one of the boys yeah i don't have to get too intense so so yeah so so for blokes and they're like right should we do this yes wait should we do this yes wait with women the maid of honor sudden it's i'm the best friend so true i'm the best friend and she's conjured the group chat i know you've known her longer but i'm the best friend all right and then they have to let everyone know they're the best friend but then the other people are like i don't know why she's fucking doing it i don't know why she's doing it i've organized this because this is what she wants i've known in 20 years she won't like that but i'm the best friend and you know and then it becomes a hierarchy of who knows her more who who's got her best interests at heart who wants to do this but you're not thinking of it's like a cock off yeah right a hindu and then it becomes this whole fucking thing of i'm the best friend do you know don't worry the blokes are just like yeah sweet mate do you know he's so right there's there's always the one the hometown friend who's not the bridesmaid and it's the person who they've met in London or they've met at work who they've known for five years who's the bride who's the who's the maid of honour and then the person who's known them for longer as a home friend is fucking furious yeah and and I do think they got a bit power crate it's like a competition for who is the best friend and we couldn't give a shit we all just have a great time and all these guys we don't know we're generalizing this obviously because I'm sure I mean for example if I had a fucking stag do, you think he wouldn't be there going, I'm the best friend.

1:07:05But, you know what I mean? They'd literally be going, ask me, who the fuck are you? Mate, I've known him 25 years, but I'm doing a podcast with him. Yeah, I'd be like, wait, so I've never heard you mentioned before. Who the fuck are you? But do you know what I mean? Like, and I'm generalising, but I do think women, and there's always that kind of thing of like, you know, like, who's going to go to the wedding fitting? Who's going to pick the flowers with them? we've all got to do this. I can't because I'm at work. Can you check? No. No, we cannot. There's always, always a drama. There's always somebody who cries on a hen do.

1:07:37And there's normally someone who's not happy in their relationship as well. Yeah, and on a stag do. Who literally just has an absolute like wobble and then goes like, I shouldn't be with my boyfriend. And then you've also got the bloke. There's another thing about blokes on a stag do. She'll love her then. Yeah, sweet mate. I'll leave you. Yeah, that's exactly what happens. Even if you see, she's a knobhead. Whereas women, are you sure this is the right thing? So true. And then suddenly the doubts go on. No, no, no, no, I'm the best friend, so I'll handle the crying. Fuck off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:08:02It's like, you know, who can be there the most? Yeah. Who's the... I'll do it. Oh, fucking hell. And all we do is go get pissed and have a good time. Yeah. You could learn a lot from a guy stag do. What are we going to do? You could learn a lot. Yeah. And basically the blokes are sitting there and going, what outfit have we got in? Yeah. Big penis. Yeah, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, nice. Going to do what? staple his bollocks to a lamp yeah ah the cock munchers on the shirt lovely I like that one are we pussy patrol sweet great beer at 5 in the morning nice one see you there lovely thanks for listening well it's been a real pleasure yeah we really appreciate you tuning in shall we move on because we've done a long one it's 2 o 'clock yeah thank you so much for uh by the way if any of you do have a good hen do story actually no we do we love hen do I thought you were going to invite us on one yeah oh well if you want to invite us on a hen do as well we'd love to go but yeah if you do have any hen do stories we'd love to hear when something just went completely terribly or big arguments happened or something like that but yeah thank you so much for listening yeah great review do all that sort of stuff you know just go by now yeah i wonder if you're at your stop yet or wherever you're listening i bet you're at temple i bet you're at temple right now or like or like maybe maybe cut the fucking feed, mate.

1:09:22This has been a Staying Relevant production.

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