171: Alan Carr on Traitors goss and his best night out with Adele!

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1:52We're Acast, and we put them right in front of you. Browse thousands of the world's leading podcasts, book host reads or run your own ads, and track every conversion in real time. Same skills you already have, brand new results. Acast. Acast.com slash advertise. Welcome to a podcast hosted by two best friends. It's Staying Relevant with me, Sam Thompson, and Peter James Jonathan Joseph-Wicks. As always, this episode will contain swearing. If you don't like it, go f*** yourself. This is a main episode, which means it's Monday. You'll be able to hear this audibly, and then you'll be able to watch it on YouTube from Wednesday at 5pm on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel.

2:37And then we'll be doing a bonus episode, which comes out on a Thursday audibly, which you can watch on a Sunday from 5pm on Josh and Kira's YouTube channel, which means you can catch us on a... On a Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and a Sunday. Ow. Make sure you rate, review, do all of that sort of stuff. Sam's just kicking the furniture. Sorry. Because he's sat in a different place today for a very special reason. Because we've got a guest. We do indeed. Oh. On your own. Not one person's mind.

3:05Alan Carr: There's no need for you to do that. There we go. And if you haven't guessed who that is. Yes. It's Alan Carr, everybody. Hello, everyone. You're right. What a bloody pleasure. I'm regretting wearing this cardigan. It gets very hot in here, doesn't it? It gets hot and I'm sweating. Look at that. Look at my hair. It's gone like a Brazilian. It's like a landing strip. It has a landing strip. I mean, I didn't think it was cold outside. Why is it hot in here? Well, it might be because you've just done a fucking super dance, Alan. I know. I didn't know about that. I'm really sorry. You need to stop that.

3:37Alan Carr: It's weird shit. Well, I'm going to be honest with you, Alan. We've never done it before. Stop it, Alan. So that was specifically for you. That was just for you, Alan. We just wanted to see if... You're lying, you're joking. No, I'm dead serious. We've never done it. We just wanted to see if you'd do it. Oh, my God, you little shit. I thought it was weird. Not as fucking weird as I thought it was, I'll be honest with you. Do, do, do, do. You're so sure I go along with it. Oh, God, a bit of these twats. I'll get you on this. La, la, la, la. Alan, do you know what I'm saying is you got involved?

4:07You didn't start singing.

4:08Alan Carr: You didn't ask any questions, Alan. Well, I know. I'm just a pussy, a pushover. I do any old shit. Oh, do you know what? Clearly, I'll do any of this. Yeah, exactly. That's having me on. Well, listen, we went and did your podcast. Yeah. How did we do? You did well, but as always with that podcast, did I say too much? Did you say too much? And I know you're a little bit, because you forget. We were having such a laugh. There was, I was telling you, my pin number, my inside leg measurement. You forget, you know. Yeah. We were talking about a lot of things. There was a lot of things that couldn't go in.

4:44Alan Carr: Yeah, why are you putting me? Basically what Alan's saying there is it was a tough edit. Tough edit. No, but it was fun though, weren't it? But I do get carried away in my mouth. Oh, so do Alan. So do I. I never get asked to go on podcasts, by the way, ever. Really? And there's probably a reason for it. We literally left and Pete went, right, do you want me to speak to the PR then? I'm not joking. We paced up and down the road for a little bit, speaking to the PR. Listen, I think we're going to have to have a look at what Sam said here. Well, I do a bloody wine podcast with my friend Lee. We do a double record.

5:14Alan Carr: So that second one, I don't know what the fuck I said. I do not know. And then I send it off and my agent goes, do you want to work in telly? Have you worked a record? I'm like, what? Because I just potty mouth, isn't it? Wine in, true foul, isn't it? I spoke to Liv Atwood. I do the radio with her and she said she did the wine with you and she went, honestly, you need to do it. It's basically you just get fucking pissed and have a great time. Well, yeah, and then I went on hers and then we were having a martini at half ten in the morning. I mean, I like a drink, but I'm not an alky. Yeah, but I mean, to be fair.

5:43Alan Carr: I am. We used to have, Alan, we used to have. You think this is coffee, mate? We used to have tequila and like a bucket of beers here when we were called at like 10 in the morning. Yeah. It was just for me. I didn't partake. James Buckley came on and had to have three stenners before he sat in front of us. He's quite windy and he burps a lot. Did he burp on here? I burp quite well. I don't know how I feel about it. Oh, you're not gassy, Alan? No, no. I have explosive wind. So do I. That's why I don't want to go on Big Brother. They say, you know, you want to go. I say, I can't because I've got explosive wind.

6:19Alan Carr: Yeah, so do I. So that's the reason for going on Big Brother. Yeah, because honestly, I'm... Are you a smelly farter? No, no. Neither am I. So am I. No, no, it's not silent. It's like, pooh! Yeah. Bang! But then it doesn't smell. Like fireworks. Yeah. Pooh! I knew me and you were similar. Yeah, very similar. For anyone listening, I hope you're enjoying the part. the fucking it's a serious problem IBS yeah it fucking is I actually get I have IBS oh fuck everything I've got you've got why do you get your own you'll be having fucked up teeth and glasses Nick I've already got the teeth he sorted them out don't worry about that he takes them out at the end of the fucking pod of course got the dentures in get your own act right so I mean we sort of mentioned it earlier on but recently I went viral for my age because I did Joe Marler's podcast and obviously you know Joe.

7:14Yeah, yeah, yeah, love Joe. Very well. So it's nice for you to be here, for me to not be the oldest one in the room. Oh God, don't. It's no fun, honestly. Nearly 50. Are you actually nearly 50?

7:24Alan Carr: Yeah, don't give me all that shit. Well, put a number on it, Alan. So that was rude. I'm 40. Count it ain't your strong point. Yeah, I'm nearly 50. It means I'm 49. Oh, you could be 48. Carol Borderman ain't going to lose no sleep. It should be you. I'm 49 for those of you who can't count. I'm nearly 50. The reason we're saying this is because you've just bought Castle. Yeah. Is that a midlife crisis? I think, listen, I could get myself a ponytail, Lamborghini, but I'm in my turret era. Yeah, no worries. I want a Castle and I'm 50. I'm not going to be around forever. And I think 50, I just want to do what I want to do.

8:07Alan Carr: and I fell in love with this castle. Right, but talk to me about, so have you always wanted a castle? Always wanted a castle. I'll be honest with you, I've never really thought about it, but when you actually say, well, I've got a castle, it's the coolest fucking thing in the world. Oh my God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But what was it that made you want it, like from a young age or? I just want a castle. I just don't know why. I'm not a pushy person. I don't go down mincing down Bond Street getting all the designer stuff, as you can see. Lovely Bottega shoes though. Okay, maybe I am a little bit of a dick.

8:37Alan Carr: And I just, yeah, I wanted a castle. And then being in the traitors, I thought, because you just wander around there. And, you know, you do. You can do whatever you want in there. Can you? There's certain rooms like that. And you can wander around the grounds. And they're filming you, as long as you can't leave the castle. And I went, I could live here. Better me, that is. I could live here. Would you want a moat? It's got no moat. Oh, that's good shit. It's got no moat. It's got a little railway as well. I can drive around. It's got a railway? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God, what do you mean?

9:08Alan Carr: It's got what? It's got like a fucking train. Yeah, right away. You can sit and go round. Well, you know what? Because I'm like, I'm an animal lover. I want it filled with animals. Can I come and be your gamekeeper? You can. What, gamekeeper? Gamekeeper. Gamekeeper, yeah, yeah. Keep an army, guys. Slow down, slow down. I'll just keep them all in line. Come on, guys, this way. This way. Get in your pen. So now, listen. Listen, and then someone sold a story to the sun. Can I clear this up? I want to turn it into a luxury spa. Fuck that. Why do I want to live in a spa? Come on, the smell of chlorine.

9:46Alan Carr: Come on, guys, we've got bums and tums in 10 minutes. So it's not a spa and it's not a hotel, but I think when you see what I want to do with it, I think you're going to love it. Community-based, I've got all this land, bit of rewilding, looking after animal. Longleet. Like me looking after a tiger. I struggle with your two dogs. But you're just... I think when you see it, but it's not going to be a spark because people read The Sun and I'm getting like, oh, my daughter's a chambermaid would like to gift you a jacuzzi. You're like, thanks, love. But it is my home and I have bought it and I'm selling up and I'm moving up there.

10:27Alan Carr: No, you're not. You're moving out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd like The Sun to get something wrong. So you're fully going to move because it's happening in Scotland. Yeah, yeah, Scotland. He's on the Scottish border, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, it's absolutely lovely. Are you going to miss London then when you leave? Well, I want 50. I want a new change. I want a break. I want a break out. You might get bored though, mate. It's so funny. Me on right move, you know, putting in how many turrets, you know, when you slide the thing up. Yeah.

10:55Alan Carr: Bedrooms five, six. Go on, fuck it up. Yeah, what is it? 17 bedrooms? 17 bedrooms. 17. So we can come and stay? You can. Oh my God. Would you have us? And it's dog friendly. Would you have us? What about cats? No. No. No, no, no. It's a pussy-free zone. Oh, right, okay, fine. Okay, cool. I'm starting to question whether I want to go now as well. I'll be honest with you. I'm in. I'm ready. I want it to be, yeah. When you see the show, because, listen, the thing is, I haven't got the survey now and I'm waiting for the keys to come. But, yeah, it's a lovely community, really small, and I want it to be, like, magical up there.

11:31It's going to make you a bit of a royal, isn't it, really, to be fair? You're sort of royalty up there. What? Lord Carr. Lord Carr. Lord Carr. Are you a Baron?

11:39Alan Carr: Yeah, Baron. No, you won't. No. Yeah, Baron Carr. Yeah, I'm going to get me own tartan. Fuck off. Oh, bro, don't speak to a Baron like that, you cheeky shit. You meant to curtsy. I get fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off, Baron. I'm going to call you Baron for the rest of this. Baron Carr, that's amazing. In my love life, I am Baron.

12:01Alan Carr: Yeah, I might get a nice man up there. I bet you do. as well. Well, you can audition them and they can stay in 16 rooms. You can do it like, what's that show, Bachelor? You can just do it having cast a bachelor at your own house. It sounds like you've had a real good think about this then, to be fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this isn't as pizza, this isn't sort of like a midlife part, this is actually something you want to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I mean, I think I have bought it. They said that, you know, someone else has bought it. I have bought it and it's, I haven't been this excited about a project for ages.

12:32Is there a lot of reno on it? Renovations and stuff?

12:34Alan Carr: It's great. You can't actually do anything. Yeah. But it's about me opening it up to the community and stuff. It's early days. I haven't got the keys yet. Okay. But, yeah, I love the idea of it, and it's giving back. Because I said, I can't just be a wanker in a castle. Well. You can, I suppose. Maybe I can. I'll be honest with you. If I bought a castle, fuck the community. That's why I was asking about the moat, mate. Fuck them. Yeah, it's the drawbridge coming up, mate. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I should dig a moat. Oh, they're fucking Dobermans rolling free. Like, fucking, like, get out of there. It'd be like Beauty and the Beast, stop being the Beast.

13:10You fucking ain't coming there. We're sort of going for a bit of a midlife crisis, Alan. Are we? I feel like. I think we are. I think we're going for a bit of a midlife. Nice to know, isn't it, Alan? I wonder what the problem was. We're going for a bit of a midlife. And I don't know what our purchases should be. I mean, we can't get a castle, obviously, but we're not quite there yet. But, like, what? Well, you grew up in one. I've just got a double-barred surname. Oh, okay. Yeah, he grew up with a butler.

13:36Alan Carr: The butler raised him. Will you get a butler? Oh, it's not very relatable, is it? Neither is owning a castle, Alan. That's not exactly fucking... But no, you must have staff for that bigger thing. Yeah, I've got some looks after all the grounds and all that. Ground's keeper. So, yeah, yeah, gamekeeper and stuff, looking after the animals and stuff. But, I mean, the woman went, hello, Alan, do you want some hayling cows? I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, they're amazing. I live on my own. They're shaggy ones. I don't have anyone to talk to. I went, yeah, yeah. Yeah, get some Aberdeen Angus. They're amazing.

14:07They're incredible. They're massive with a big old. Oh, great steak. Yeah. No. No. No. No. We've just said the room. We've just said we're all lovers in your stomach. Asking if you can take your fucking house cats up to Scotland. You're pushing a barbecue over the moat.

14:23Alan Carr: It's fucking ridiculous. Boys, I'm bringing a steamer. It's a castle, not an Angus Aberdeen Steakhouse. I'm bringing a smoker. I couldn't because I had a farm you know I had a farm already and I couldn't it put me off lamb I started because my ex was like a farmer and then I was and then they came into lambing season and I was there sticking my hand up a sheep trying to get the lambs out yeah was it really bad it was yeah it was quite oh and then oh god yes fisting it was like sticking it up yeah just sticking it yeah like that you can't go animal lover and then just doing a lot of that you know fisting a baby sheep yeah calming god He said, now I know how you felt when you left my podcast.

15:02Alan Carr: Danny, they're set up fists in the shape when you get out the paper. Do you know what's crazy leaving yours, though? Alan, like, mate, you're so, I don't know how else to say it. You're so famous. But, like, he's literally, we're walking out of the house. He's got to fucking take that walking in as we're leaving. I said hello to Gary Barlow. Ashley Mitchell. But did you see the pap? The pap was across the road. Because I had someone else on that day. It was one of those ones, you know, when you do, because I've been all over the place, let's get all these guests in. And then I came out to go shopping and the paparazzi went, mate, mate, what goes on in that house?

15:40Alan Carr: You've had all these celebs come out like that. What a payday for him just sitting in a Cortina. Studio fucking life. Like Studio 54. He didn't take the lens cap off until fucking tape that arrived. I'll be honest with you. Yeah, me and Pete just walked straight past. We look lovely, just finished cleaning it for you, for all your guests. Gary bloody Barlow though, man. Oh, he's lovely. Is he a nice guy? Yeah, really nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the Brits like? Oh, it was fucking great. I love people who like it. Harry, Harry, for me. Yeah? He's the best pop star going. Do you think? Did you like that performance?

16:13Alan Carr: Yeah, do you know what? I did like the performance. You didn't, did you? I'm going to be honest with you, Alan, there was no smoking era, so I spent about three hours just strolling around, patrolling the perimeter, trying to find somewhere to have a cigarette. So I missed every performance. I didn't even know he was there. I did like Harry's. I just don't, I think his old music for me is a little bit more. I prefer his old. What's your favourite? His old stuff. Oh, watermelon sugar. Yeah, what else? All his old stuff. You're a cold-hearted bastard. No, go on, go on. You like the old stuff. So the Traitors, Alan, was a great thing.

16:48You didn't go to the British. You can't be arsed for those kind of things anymore.

16:50Alan Carr: No, I used to go. I used to go, but yeah, yeah, yeah. I watch them on the telly. Yeah. Would you ever go? No, you don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. No, I used to go. Have you hosted it? Because there was a time when I wasn't 50, you know, wasn't you old. You used to be trendy. You'd have to go there and, you know, you'd be like, wow. But then as you get older, you're a bit like, oh, I don't know. Have you ever hosted it? No, no, no. Oh, mate, I'd love to see you hosted it. I used to just get rat-assed on that. I remember coming out and I meant to go like, I just went, I'm pissed. I'm pissed.

17:26Alan Carr: And then I tried to get off with take that when I gave them the award. No way. Oh, that's so good. You must have done well because they came to your house. I know, I know. Yeah, I'm a good kisser. What can I say? I feel like back then, though, it was a little bit more raunchy and a little bit better, wasn't it? It was a bit. You remember, you got Amy Whitehouse there. There was all, you know, people used to do crazy shit. Yeah, I bet. You know, I remember Liam going, all right, like that, and the Spice Girls slagging them off and all that. Really? It was a bit crazy. But that's so fun. If I had a vaping room in my castle, would you come up if I let you vape?

18:00Alan Carr: Well, if you've got all these grounds, mate, I'll just be strolling around. Listen, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll drive the train and I'll just change smoke. Pretend it's a steam engine. All the kids coming, look, look, mummy, I can smell blueberry. And then when the kids try and get, fuck off, it's my train. have you got to fuck off he's really good at it mate yeah he really gets your soul when he gives you a fuck off like that so listen you can't come on here without talking about the traitors because I read Sank actually this morning about you being one of the best and worst traitors ever I know I know did you know anything about the show before you did it loved the show loved the show and then I didn't know who was going to be on and then I rang up Jonathan and I said Jonathan and what are you doing in April?

18:46Alan Carr: And then he went, I'm on it. Are you on it? I said, I'm on it. Who else is on it? And I didn't know who it was because, you know, I mean, my stand-up, I slag everyone off and I thought, I really don't want to be there, you know, with people like, oh, well, I called you a bitch. Like that. And then when I stood there and I went, I'm a faithful, I went home and packed. I went, I'm out of here. I mean, there's nothing more I can do. I went, and then I'm down the round table. Joe. I'm like, are you fit? How do you think you got away with that? I don't know. I don't know. What could I do? I mean, I was just...

19:21Alan Carr: But when I look back, I realise how loud I was. You know, when I sat next to her and went, I did it, when I murdered Paloma. So loud. Well, mate, do Paloma. We've got to talk about that. I am friends. Everyone thinks I hate him. I am friends. You are friends. Let's say you treat your friends. What a fucking arsehole. Listen, I felt fucking awful. I felt awful. And then when she came down for breakfast the next day and she was alive, I went, oh, great. Oh, great. I haven't murdered her. Oh, she's still alive. Half an hour later, I'm shoving her in a coffin in a graveyard with Paloma Faith on the fucking head.

19:58Alan Carr: I'm like, oh, no. I mean, I hate confrontation. Oh, mate, so long. I was like that. And then Jonathan goes, say a few words for your friend. Like, you fucking fucking. Was she annoyed about it? She was annoyed, but then she's fine now. I mean, no one wants to go home first, but I panicked. I've got to touch someone's face. If I go up to Joe Marler, I, Joe, I'll be straight in HR. I've been with you. I think Joe would quite enjoy it. I know, I know. Who could I touch? Who's face could I stroke? Jonathan, probably the nearest friend, and he's a traitor. I couldn't do it. I panicked, and it was up to midnight, and it was about 11.20, and I went, it's got to be the easy option.

20:41Alan Carr: If you've got something on your face, I thought, fucking hell. So, after you murdered her, were you worried about Paloma's reaction? Because you didn't get a chance to speak to her afterwards. No, no, because you have no phone, no nothing. So, did you think about it after? Were you like, fucking hell? Yeah, yeah, and then I rang her up and then I felt... What was that first conversation like? I said, Paloma! What a lovely show you just done. Oh, no, I know. Did you have fun? All she ever said to me was, I don't want to go home first, Alan. I don't. Oh, no. I said, no one wants to go home first, Paloma.

21:13Alan Carr: You won't. But someone's got to. And you sent her home. But then it covered me, didn't it? Yeah, no, exactly. And it was only Claire Balding who was like, hmm. Yeah, she's very shrewd, Claire. Yes, yes, yes. So you call her, you say, Paloma. Did you just speak about it instantly? We were like, look. I said, Paloma. I said, it's a game. It's called. That I won. It's called the traitors. It's easy for you to say after you've fucking won it. I know. Listen, it's called the traitors. It's not like I did it on tipping point. you know, you have to be treacherous. That's the game. And she went, I know, I said, Alan, but, you know, it was upsetting.

21:49Alan Carr: I said, it broke my heart as well. And when I cried at the end, I think it was because, because I just, you know, I'd killed people. And you get, you know, people, and I know it's not killing, killing, but you just feel like an arsehole. My little Nick Muhammad goes to me at the final. We got this. And I was like, no, I've got it. I see why you did so well, because you're an incredible liar. You didn't give a shit, did you? Oh, no, stop it now. Stop it. Honestly, it was so... You get the general. But like I said, when you're there, you can go around the grounds and everything. It is great. And you can go...

22:26Alan Carr: They don't produce you at all. Yeah. Do they not? No, no, no. They don't. And I wondered, when I watched the civilian one, because some of those women just went mental. They go mental, yeah. Because I thought, it seems like maybe they've been told to go a little bit cray-cray. I want to ask you, because I watch the civilian one, and they do, they go fucking nuts at each other. Did you feel like at any point you were getting dragged into the game? Because it's such an amazing, immersive experience. They're like, when you're doing it, are you ever actually like, okay, this is fucking wonderful, and I feel like I'm actually...

22:58Alan Carr: The round table is terrifying. And on the, is it Stephen, the one who won it last time? I thought there was a really good observation, because they said, your life and soul, and I was life and soul in the thing, but round the round table, because I didn't really understand the rules and what a bloody shield meant, I was so quiet, because I didn't say boo to a goose, did I? I was like, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm, oh, yeah. But yeah, I was like, yeah. When I was round that round table, I'd say, don't say anything, because you will. But the great thing is, you know, you've only got two drinks tokes and drink two tokens.

23:37Alan Carr: Oh, really? So you can't really drink in there. So that's why I was behind the bar. Oh, right. And then some people don't drink and I was like, oh, can I have your tokens? Well, listen, we can't talk about, it's basically Sam's idol in life and Sam's favourite person in the entire world. You're also Stephen Fry, aren't you? I am. Oh, I love him. Did the traitors. Yeah. What's Stephen like? He also did your podcast recently. Yeah, my dog bit him. Yeah. My dog bit him. The dog, my dog only bites intellectuals. You two were great. We were fine. They started licking you when you walked in. Rolled over, played game.

24:07Rolled over on the belly. Absolutely fine. I can't imagine what Stephen Fry's reaction is to a dog bite. Like, what does he do? He went, oh, your dog's just bitten me.

24:16Alan Carr: I said, oh, I'm so sorry. I said, I don't know what it ended up. And she went, no, she don't bite. Although she did jump up at Miranda Hart and spilled a scalding hot cup of tea over her breast area. Oh, wow. And because I went into, like, mode, and then I thought, oh, you can't do that. Yeah, you can't lunge it at her breast, can you? No, you can't be like, oh. Well, I think it's more appropriate for you to do it than us. Yeah, I know. I know, but she was scolding. She had to do half of it in a bloody T-shirt. I gave her one of my T-shirts. But yes, she had scolding tits, which is a shame. What was I going to say?

24:50Alan Carr: What's Stephen Fry like? Stephen Fry's so lovely. Is he? He didn't stay in the show, believe it or not. Which is amazing, because obviously, being, I would probably say, the most intellectual person on the show, I think it's fair to say that. I would expect him to do quite well. No, but Stephen Fry, he was opposite me, and he said, look, he said, what about when they recruited spies in Cambridge? These people were camp. They were out there. They were over the top. They didn't hide in plain sight. I'm directly opposite him now. You're just sitting there going, and you're going, what am I, chop me?

25:21Alan Carr: Yeah. But yeah, it was amazing how outwitting Stephen Fry and stuff. But then I got a load of shit from the gays because I killed Tom Daly. Oh, well, yeah, no. Oh, great. Now, Alan, no eye candy. I'm like, hello. Joe Marla? Joe Marla, he's nice, isn't he, Joe Marla? He's a good guy, Joe. We love him a lot. If me and Pete ever did the traitors, you know us relatively well now. Yeah, yes. Do you think one of us would sacrifice the other? Oh, God. I would fucking drop you in a heartbeat. There we go. Mate, I wouldn't do it to him. He'd dig your grave. It wouldn't even be part of the game. I'd just fucking, I'd be wandering the grounds digging a hole and off camera I'd put you in it and fucking try and cover it over.

26:08Yeah, you come to the castle. Where's Sam? You see Sam? Don't worry about Sam.

26:13Alan Carr: Get me out, get me out. I'd leave with him. I'd be like, no, we're in it together. I'd go up to Pete. If I was a traitor, I'd go up to Pete and be like, I just want to let you know, mate. I know you're a faithful, but I'm a traitor. I'd just like to point out. You couldn't keep a secret. So who do you think would do better out of Sam and I on the traitors? I think you'd be a good, you'd be a great traitor. you would be great you'd be useless you'd just stay as a you'd be killed off first because you're so annoying like Paloma can this feud pick that up and tag her in it I've got love Paloma do you know what the way I can't say it anyway I keep saying I love Paloma people think I'm obsessed with her now it's gone too far the other way I love you I love you right there's two things we've got love and hate for Paloma and fisting a sheep we're done for the I genuinely think you're right I think I'd get binned off straight away wouldn't I everyone would be like mate he's pissing us off let's get him out they wouldn't even go and I'm joking but have you been asked to do it no no no we're not the smart colour would you do it would you do it I'm going to be really honest with you I've never seen it really I've genuinely never seen it oh my god so I but everyone always says oh you'd be fucking good on traitors because I'm you know if you ask sort of anyone that's been in contact I'm a great liar yeah you've got psychopath vibes yeah yeah yeah But you would love to do it.

27:31But I actually think you'd probably do all right because people, you're so sort of inoffensive other than the noise. Yeah, but I don't know, because I feel like what you do, because it's a psychological game, isn't it? Because, for example, Nico went early.

27:45Alan Carr: I know, Paul Negan, he was so sweet. But I think the reason is because not anyone really knew him that well. So because you don't know someone, you're like, well, he's the easy one to get rid of because it doesn't hurt as much. But the thing is with Trey is, it's all, I'm not undermining the show, but some of it doesn't make sense. I remember Tamika going, you're a traitor. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Well, a traitor would say that. What can you say? You know, there is that. And I just went for Claire. Claire, when you pulled that pulley thing, I mean, you didn't see it, but she made this honest error, you know, and I was like, that's weird, Claire.

28:20Alan Carr: Why would you do that? And you can see she panicked and pulled it by mistake. But I was like, that makes me feel a bit weird. Feels like traitor material love like that. I'm like grabbing at straws. I mean, look, you won the show. It's one of the biggest shows on TV. I think it is the biggest show on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously, it's for a great cause as well. You donated your prize money. 83 euro blastoma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love that, Cherry. So that's amazing. But I've never had, I've never had like that attention on me before. And people go, oh, isn't he funny? I'm like, I've been on fucking telly for 22 years.

28:52Alan Carr: I must have been really shit. I must have been really shit. Well, it's a different kind of audience, I suppose, sometimes, isn't it? Like that whole kind of... And I had a pap. I had a pap. One pap followed me around. Really? On the first day. Pop. Never saw him again. Pap. Hanging around outside Wetherspoons waiting for me to come out. No way. Don't know why I had a pap. It was so weird because I never get paps. Well, neither do we. Well, actually, Pete does. Oh, you get paps. Yeah, you get paps all the time. You must be joking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking invite the **** in for a cup of tea these days.

29:20There's always someone jumping out of a bush. I always find it so novel. because whenever it very irregularly happens to me, I'm like, oh my God, it's a fucking bad. And I sort of like look down the lens and I'm like, fucking hell. A show that I have seen and watched the first series of is Last One Laughing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to be on the next series, aren't you? Yes, yes, yes. It's absolutely brilliant. It's fucking hilarious. Bob Mortimer is, obviously he won the first series. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he's a fucking legend. Yeah. I cannot wait to watch you on this. I know you probably can't say.

29:53Alan Carr: I can't say jack shit. I know, I know you can't say too much, but how fun was it? It's so weird. It's so weird. When did you film it? Oh, well, last year. Last year, yeah. Is it harder than you thought? It's so hard. It's so hard. And I'm just like, you just like that. You realise what face you have. You've got to see Mel Goodroyd in it. Because she's like this. Every time she goes to laugh. like a depressed and then I was like I was just like this all the time I mean fucking I'm never gonna get a shag honestly I'm like Deirdre Barlow I'm like what are the parameters then is so like you can't utter a sound like you can't laugh you can't laugh you can't laugh and then people are just saying jokes at you and then you're like that and then you just and then Bob Mortimer's there and he's coming up to you and you're like you stay away away from me don't you dare don't you dare come near me like this and then you've got to do these ones where you know they do the joker and you are faced like that you know what's that thing with sandra bull at bird box you know with the eyes you're basically like that and you've got to watch and yeah i can't say but it is so funny is it but it's just weird is it harder to to stop yourself laughing or harder to try and make someone laugh?

31:18Because sometimes I imagine it's trying to make someone else laugh probably makes you laugh because you're doing such ridiculous things. So actually you could catch yourself out.

31:25Alan Carr: Yeah, you've got there. There's, well, there's certain bits in it you'll see where you've just got to go for it, but you know, you're just going to laugh. When you do, when you feel yourself going, do you ever just be like, right, this is my time. I'm just going to do it. Yeah. I think of how I treated Paloma and my face just looks sad. no it kind of got so good because again I had a picture of Paloma that would have been so good tell me you did that that would be so fucking funny when does that come out Alan oh next week next week I think it's next week that's probably when this comes out and also a little plug Bob Mortimer was on my Life's a Beach podcast which is going out on the same thing so a little plug for that you know but yeah so we were talking about it and I didn't I didn't really know who was in.

32:14Alan Carr: They'd leaked it for the traitors, but I didn't know. So I go in there and obviously there's some people like Diane Morgan. I mean, she's just so, isn't she like that? Yeah. Which I mean, dead pan. I mean, I laugh at anything. Yeah. Someone dies. I laugh. Someone can't pay the bills. I laugh. Murder your friend. You laugh. Murder me friend. Well, I know what you mean. I laugh. No, not because I'm sick in the head. It's an awkward laugh. I have the exact same thing. Someone like, someone literally tell me like, oh, I broke up with my girlfriend. I'll just start smiling. I don't know how to like not.

32:44Alan Carr: Well, you saw that in Traitors when someone says, so Claudia went, so-and-so's dead. I'm like, boom. Well, I thought what we should do in honour of, you know, the show coming out is Sam is a funny guy, is I think Sam should try and make both of us laugh. You see, now I'm laughing just because this is going to be so awkward. No, no, I think. Alan. So I think, so if we start it sort of now then, you have to try and make some of you. I

33:12quite like sheep

33:18I feel like I'm going to smash this like I'm going to actually smash this the energy's right in this room and I'm feeling good what are we waiting for I'm just going to smash it now I feel like I'm not going to smash it I'm feeling good I'm going to do well I've got Alan Carr looking at me and it's going to go well I'm going to smash this I feel like we're building up and you don't think I've got anything to say and I do but I'm building up to something here It's not a long podcast this

33:50It's feeling good

33:57I don't know what to say to Alan I'll be honest with you that was more awkward than even I thought it was going to be Alan do you want to try and do it to us? because I make you laugh.

34:08Alan Carr: I just panicked so much just then. I mean, that was awful. That was so awful. I didn't know what to do. I thought that fucking cult thing we were doing at the beginning was embarrassing. You could have just done that again. Do you know what I mean? He already gave you a clue of what was wrong. What kind of jokes do you like, though? Oh, no, I love it. I, ooh. I got you. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hell. Wow. All right. Well, that was going to be a great segment. We'll move on. So you're also doing tears. Help me out here, love. Fucking hell. That's what Pete likes to do. He throws me under the bus when I have no idea what I'm going to do.

34:47Because it's just going to make a great clip of Alan and I looking like we're having a terrible time. As you can tell, I draw the short straw on this podcast every single time.

34:57Alan Carr: Well, do you laugh much, though? No, he thinks he's very funny. He's got a dark sense of humor, isn't he? I'd actually be trying to make you laugh because he generally thinks he's a joker. I could just get me cock out, to be honest with you. There we go. That'll tickle you. That'll tickle my what? We'll see how long it takes you to laugh, Alan.

35:19I'll get me below my photo out. Talking of the interior thing, it's kind of relevant again for Sam because Sam has been spending... Oh, no. Sam spent the past five years renovating his house. Oh, yeah. As soon as it finishes, and it looks lovely. Like, you've got, your house is beautiful. But Sam, I don't know what it is, whether you can't settle in it, but I'm pretty sure your builders have been coming back. It's mental. We're doing the garden now. Kitchen's been done twice in about two years. So I had to do the kitchen. What's up with the kitchen? Well, no, it was a lovely kitchen. It was at the start, but I just, it basically had a relationship finish and I had names carved into wood.

35:58And so I had to change the wood. Don't make me laugh.

36:01Alan Carr: Oh my God, I've been pissing myself. Why would you do that? It wasn't my idea. It wasn't my idea. Is it like love, life? Like you got all that? No, exactly. Imagine you got all that. Issues of him and his partner. Yeah, yeah. Engraved into the door handles. Yeah, so I had to basically, I couldn't like. Oh shit. Yeah, and the drawers. So I had to, it wasn't my idea. Again, I want to stress that. And yeah, they like chiseled it in. So I couldn't even like fill it up. so I had to change it again basically which yeah well if you okay if you were going to go Alan if you were going to go and give you a bit of interior design sort of like a bit of a a review if you were to walk into my gaff and see well I wouldn't do like initials in here it's not a fucking toilet is it like a public toilet wasn't it Alan was here call this number for a BJ I must say have you ever done that what what no fuck oh my god No, as in.

37:05Might be a short answer.

37:07Alan Carr: Bloody hell. Right, so, well, effectively, Sam and I have got very different houses. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Can I just throw something in on the back of that? It depends what you're going to throw in. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know how you come off the back of that. Well, fuck me. I'm just going to shut up. After a blowjob, no. Basically, I wanted to do a gag on Pete where I was going to go into a construction site. Yeah. Port-a-potty. I haven't done this before. Construction site, Port-a-Potty. And I wanted to basically be like, let me rate your shit. And then put Pete's number on it.

37:40And then just have loads of people sending Pete photos of their shit. From a Port-a-Potty. That's disgusting. Oh, no. And just as the years go by. Rate my shit. Also, how have you gone from blowjobs to rate my shit? Imagine, just let me rate your shit and then just Pete's number and they don't know who they're sending it to. And Pete, just as the years go by, just keeps getting photos. I should have done this in last one laughing.

38:09Alan Carr: That's my humour. Have you seen that one where the man fell out with his girlfriend and put her phone number and did the, what's it, Chewbacca contest? No. What's that? Phone this number, you win 100 quid for the best Chewbacca. So she was getting... He was getting up the whole time. He's going, it's just not funny. Then it rang up. I love that. I adore it. So funny. It's terrible because he's going to do that to me. It's going to be awful. But, yeah, so Sam's house now is very much kind of country. The kitchen's beautiful now. It's very, very nice. So where do you spend most of your time? Is it in the kitchen?

38:46Alan Carr: Because that's what they say. Mainly in the kitchen. That's it. So you've got to make that the best. Spend the most money. That's what the man said to me. Yeah, I think we've done that. And then the living room and then, yeah, the garden's next. But Pete always takes the piss because the builders are around. I know the builders now so well that I'd probably invite them to my birthday. We are tight. But this is the last thing I'm doing. In comparison to my apartment, which has got... Apartment? Well, I'm just a single dog dad, do you know what I mean? I just have a party. It's weird for me to have a fucking old house with no one in it.

39:22Alan Carr: I know. Yeah, what kind of loser to say? How many bedrooms do you need? Because you know I'd round my house.

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41:52Alan Carr: Mary Berry. I did a show, Mary Berry. She cooks something in me house. Lovely, really lovely. What'd she make? What? Like a lasagna and then this cheese thing wrapped in parmaram and all that. And then she's promoting the show. She goes, hey, go around Alan Carr's house. and he's got nothing in his fridge. Just wine, wine, wine. I'm like, all right, Mary. Zip it, Mary. She's trolling me already, too. Yes. And he doesn't gawk and he says, all I have is takeaways, Mary. And he doesn't want to speak to the liveryman. He says he just shouts through the letterbox, leave it on the mat. Mary, I told you that over a rose, eh?

42:34Alan Carr: Yes. Now people think I'm an arse, though. I wonder I'm fat. All he's got is wine, wine. Do you know what? I think this is a good time for... Your impressions are now notorious. She doesn't sound like that. Well, she kind of sounds like Stephen Fry. Yeah, you did a good one. Stephen Fry. Let's see. Can you do an impression of Sam and me? You're like that, aren't you, really? I'm like that. Is that right? I'm quite nasally. You're like that, aren't you? Yes. to rape my shit. Let's pull up your number in a portfolio and then send your shit. He's also got a lisp. Yes. And I got off. That was the best thing I've ever heard.

43:21Best thing ever. Rape my shit.

43:29I don't know whether I'm going to go and jump from playing.

43:31Alan Carr: That would be your, that's your catchphrase. That should be your catchphrase. Rates my shit. Rates it. That should be his catchphrase. but after every Instagram video, hi guys, it's just me. Rayman's here. Rayman's here. Fuck me. Oh dear. I love a Renault. That was me giving me. I was just trying to mug myself off. I'm going to go and sit in the corner after this and be like, Ellen, Ellen, every time you come around me. Like an Ellen DeGeneres. Oh my God. Ellen, every time you come around here. I mean, listen, I know I'm not the best podcaster, but I at least get names right. We're meant to be in the top 20.

44:16I mean, that's charming, isn't it, Ellen? Jesus Christ. Ellen, I don't think I've ever had such a crumble. Pete, I don't think I've ever crumbled this much. And there's been a few times, but this is potentially my favourite. I just can't believe we've got you sat there. Yeah, it's amazing. I can't believe I'm here either. No, to be honest with you, we never thought... Is that Uber coming yet? we never thought we'd get Ellen on the podcast it's amazing talk to us about cancellation Jesus Christ listen one of the things that I think you and I definitely have in common is we like a drink yes love a drink I'm not going to mug you off like Mary Berry wine but boozy Sunday Sundays I think is a great day to drink

45:00Alan Carr: for me my favourite Sunday is a couple of bottles of rosé four in a bed and then four in a bed and then come down with me. And sometimes I'm there so long that that message comes up on the screen with a telly thinks you're dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to go on standby if you don't press any button. Yeah, press any button on the remote. So just to confirm, like Sam said, when you say four in the bed, you mean a programme, not four people in the bed. Oh, fuck, I can't even get one in a bed. I love four people. I know, generally, there's nothing nice than some cuddly-wuddly with like four people just all like with a duvet around them in a bed.

45:34Yeah, yeah. I love it.

45:36Alan Carr: Rating each other's shit. Four in a Bed, I love that. Do you like that show? So I like it. And were you a fan of Come Dime With Me when they did the old school Come Dime With Me? I love Come Dime With Me. I don't like the couples one. I like it when they just do, yeah. What's the sort of TV you watch? As someone that has been on so many shows and done so many... I love Coach Trip, as you know. Oh, no, no, no. Have you ever watched Coach Trip? I love Coach Trip. I want to go on Coach Trip. No, you... Alan, can I go with you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, let's do it. I would... Alan. Get this. I would love, we would have the best time.

46:07Wouldn't we just? Yeah, where we rate each other's shit. Yeah, wouldn't we? We would coach it together. I would love that. My mum would die. Who's voting? I've got voting on Alan and Sam. Why? Because they keep popping up the toilet and rating our shit

46:20Alan Carr: when we fucking had a dump on that fucking coach as well. He's written his number on the toilet wanting a BJ. I did coach trip, mate, as you know, and we went to Benadol. Wow. Really? We went to Benadol. Oh, my God, amazing. Right, so you two are up for coach trip then. Alan, if you want to do coach trip with me, I think it'd be one of the biggest honours of my life. So listen, are you really into four in a bed? Because I would not that kind. Stop being dirty. I think my cast, I'd love to do four in a bed at the castle. I think it'd be great. And have people come round and, you know, that'd be good, wouldn't it?

46:55Alan Carr: Alan Carr's making scrambled egg and all that. Hello, love. Come dine with me, four in the bed. I'm talking about the older one. The last five years, they've gone a bit fucking shitty. but the oldest got ones do you know what I mean? Well the reversing dump truck is like the best one. Oh like what a sad little life Jane like 10 days of confinement Oh that's classic that is classic yeah yeah yeah do you ever see the one where she was getting the Indian food from a takeaway and they were pulling through the kitchen yeah yeah yeah that's classic. All of them ones are fucking great and I love serial killers and animals they're the shows that I watch basically anything that's like true crime.

47:27Alan Carr: Because that's the thing with traitors because they take away your phone and your laptop and then they dismantle the telly out of fire stick So all I watched on my day off was like Netflix serial killer thing. No wonder I could just murder all these celebrities. I was like, I'm standing there with a pillow over Claire Balding. Stop killing. This isn't part of the show. So yeah, so Netflix, anything animal based. Love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of Comedy Central things I like. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, to me, it's like sort of like a warm hug. Channel 5 is more sort of like help. I married my...

48:02Alan Carr: I can say this myself because I am a larger bloke, but I love it. If it's got too fat for love, too fat for this, too fat for benefits, too fat for that, I will watch that. Followed by I fell in love with my hamster and married. That's what I love. And those human dolls, those human dolls. I'm in love with a monkey. Yeah, no, no. I love shit like that. I saw someone who married their theme park ride. I've seen that. You've seen that one? I've seen that. It's fucking mad. There's an actual thing, right, this is a weird story. We're completely off fucking topic here. I haven't looked at my iPad once I used to do a podcast years ago Good for you where we spoke to all sorts of different people and we spoke to this Ukrainian bodybuilder guy who had I can't remember what the name is but he had sexual desires and love for objects Yeah and he fell in love with an ashtray in a nightclub I'm not joking you fell in love with an ashtray in a nightclub and bought it from the nightclub Yeah took it home couldn't just to caress it and whatever else and he put I'm not even joking you he put I swear to God, it was during COVID I did this podcast.

49:03Times are tough, Alan. And work's dried up. Anyway, they put a plastic vagina on it so they could fuck it. Wow. I don't know how you do that to your theme park ride. Yeah. Well, you just whack a plastic vagina anyways.

49:18Alan Carr: You can put a plastic vagina on anything. I haven't put one on me castle. On me turret. Get out of your plastic vagina. Yeah. Most people put a flag up. There's me vagina. Where's Pete? He's up the total fucking hell. Oh my God. Pete, the trains are fucking on me down in a minute. Stop it. Tell them kids they're fucking getting up. Anyway, this has been weird today, hasn't it? Oh my God fucking hell. Is he still seeing the ashtray? I don't know because it was a few years ago. I'm involved now. I've got it too deep. Mate, anything Channel 5. They love that kind of shit. Too fat for this. Love it.

49:56Well, okay. Do you know what? I feel like in terms of talking about shows, you know, obviously you've done a fair amount of chat shows. Would you ever, are you still sort of like wanting to go into that realm?

50:06Alan Carr: No, no, I think podcasts are the new chat shows. And I think you get more out of people just having a nice chat. And listen, it gets us into trouble sometimes because people do listen to this. But I feel this for me feels more me. And I can have a laugh. We can go off topic. I'm not promoting anything. I just wanted to come along and have a laugh because we had a laugh. Have you had a laugh? I had a right laugh. Not when you've been talking.

50:33Alan Carr: You have both been making me laugh the same amount. It's like kids. It's like having two kids. So, I mean, you've got to... You have been making me laugh. No, I haven't said it now. You have, you have. Do you know what the funniest part about this is? He's so needy, he's so needy. Well, this is the problem. We have to fluff him. You're going to go home after this. I've got this for the rest of the day going, Alan hates me Alan hates me I adore you you do a couple of different podcasts is there and the good thing I agree with you the good thing about podcasts is regardless of what the name of a podcast is you can just fucking go off topic and do whatever you like and chat about anything and I'm potty mouthed as well sometimes you're on Lorraine and you go and I tell her so you know but I do agree podcasts are amazing but you do a couple of different ones what's your favourite one to do oh that's because they're all Yeah, yeah.

51:27Alan Carr: Bottoms up is because it's just me and one of my best friends tasting wine, testing different cocktails and stuff. I love that. Love Life's a Beach because it's my baby. It's been going long for ages. I did that during COVID. No, we all lost. No work going on. I went, well, let's just speak to some of my friends. You remember just doing it. But now everything's filmed, which is great. And, you know, you get people, it gets it out there, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I love podcasts. But, yeah, a chat show. What's the point of me doing that? I have great guests. I have Jeff Goldblum. I've had Mariah Carey come to my house.

51:57Alan Carr: I've had, you know, you lot. Everyone's, it's lovely. I've had you fuckers. Yeah, and when everyone's busy, there's always a bit of a thing. Mariah. Yeah, we were next to Jeff Goldblum and Mariah Carey. Talking of that. Well, take that. Take that. It's unbelievable. Talking of kind of like some of these big names, a really good friend of yours is Adele. Yes. So am I right in thinking that she flew you out to Vegas to watch a fucking Celine Dion show? No, no, no. When I got married, she said, I want to organise your wedding. She was like my wedding planner. That's fucking incredible. And so super, super sweet.

52:34Alan Carr: And then we got married in her back garden in LA. You were married at Adele's house? Yeah. That is absolute. Did she sing? No. Well, she didn't sing, but we spent the whole day together. And it was the most magical day ever. And then, surprise, we went outside. there's a limo. We get in there and then we're flying to Vegas to see Celine Dion. Fucking hell. And it was so funny because with Adele, we go, oh, I couldn't have her lifestyle. Oh, she's so famous. When she ain't got the air up like that, she's just had her hoodie on. We got Celine Dion merchandise. We met Celine, who is so funny. I see clips of her now.

53:17Alan Carr: She's become... Yeah, she's like, she talks like this. And you know, she does that on stage. She does that in real life. One of my favourite, One of my favourite clips I've seen of Celine recently is when she's being interviewed and she just starts fucking singing Cher. Yeah, she goes, Have you seen her and she goes, Oh, let the dog sound. Honestly, she's like that. So have you met, you've probably met her. Yeah. Well, yeah, we're on a hologram, love. We go backstage because it's all a surprise. And so Adele goes and then, and then we're like, I know with Adele you have to go backstage anyway.

53:51Alan Carr: You can't just be mincing around. And then she goes, let's go in this room like this. So we go, okay, we're sitting there, you know, because it's Adele. Can't wait to see Celine. And the door opens, hi, Adele is Celine. Oh, let the dogs out. No, she didn't be like, have a day off, Celine. No, but super lovely, gave us all this merchandise and everything. But it was funny because we were in, we sort of sneaked in. Seats, we're sitting with everyone else because there she's on the set and there's this, and there was a, I'm going to say, I think he was homosexual in front of us. That was my trousers, by the way.

54:28Alan Carr: I was so excited about this story. Explosive. That's the worst thing. That's my IBM. You said homosexual. My trousers are homophobic. And so there was a gay man going, Celine, Celine, I love you, Celine. Celine, I love you. And then Adele said to me, shall I just whisper to him? Hello? No. I said, you would kill him because he's like this, but then he's got probably the biggest star behind him. Annadelle. No. No, no, no. So we're there. I mean, yeah, it was just so funny. But how do we know? Can you imagine? Hello? Who's it? Well, this is also another one of my favourite clips is when she had that performance and you were in the audience and she got to sing.

55:20I know. Have you ever seen it? No. It was the fucking best. Emma goes, oh, it was set up.

55:25Alan Carr: Set up. I'd learned the words. Well, that's what I was going to say. Was it set up? No, it wasn't set up. Were you pissed, Alan? For once, I wasn't pissed, but I was so nervous. She went, oh, Alan, come sing a song. So she did like this big... Played him, and they surprised her with one of her old teachers. Oh, I did see that. She's in bits like that. And then she goes, I can't, I can't. And then I'm sitting there going, oh, you know, in that beautiful moment. Alan, Alan, do a bit, please while I have my make-up on. I'm like... So she's getting the thing and Alan just gets up there and they start going...

55:55Alan Carr: No, no, no, because now they edit it, I'm five minutes going, fuck off. No, no, no. And then on the edit... They said, Alan, do a bit, and fuck that. This is... I know, yeah. And then on the edit, I'm like this, this is my... It's obviously... It's the best clip. I'm going, oh, no, there's Dua Lipa, there's Stormzy. Why not ask them to sing? What was the first thing you said when you got up there? I just went, ah, I'm a traitor. My voice went that high. And then, yeah, and then I just, and it was that one. Now, I love Adele's music. I love Adele. But that bloody Feel My Love, I never know the lyrics to that.

56:35Alan Carr: If it was Rolling in the Deep, I would have gone. But I was like, when the wind is raining on your face. I'm like, what is the lyrics? But that's the only one I don't really know. Chasing pavements. You know, someone like you. I know I could say them. I don't even have to look at the screen, but I was like, when the rain is blowing on your face. It's honestly, it's the best clip. But yeah, so what a fun night. But I mean, yeah, that clip was misleading. I was like, no, go away. Ask Dua Lipa. Ask Dua Lipa. Ask Dua Lipa. She's only there. I'm going to be honest with you mate I think you may be my favourite guest we've ever had on this podcast oh that's very kind I'd have to say so as well I know you hate me Alan but I've had a wonderful time with you Alan it's been fucking wonderful you know when you sit there and you listen to someone's stories and you're like they are just because I'm old that wasn't Mary Berry that was Alan but they're brilliant can you do me something though.

57:42Alan Carr: Seriously. Can you carve my initials in your new island? Alan, that's fucking loony. If you come round, I want to make you a couple of steaks. And rate my shit. On that night. Alan, I'd love to have you round me. I'd love that. I'm there. Deal. All right, shake my hand. Oh, no. And we're doing coach trip. Why are you two doing these shaking things? Oh, no. And I'm doing coach trip. Shit. Fucking hell. Mate, did we just become best friends? Is this legally binding? We'll have an amazing time. I'll cook us a couple of steaks. We'll have a real nice time. Yeah, I'd love that. I'd love that. You're never coming, are you, Alan?

58:18I will bring the dogs to the castle.

58:22Alan Carr: Yeah, you do. And do you know what I mean? You actually will invite him. I'm having that plastic vagina popped up straight away. On that note, whilst Alan's Uber comes, make sure you listen to Alan's podcast, Life's a Beach, and you can catch Alan on Last One Laughing, which comes out on March the 19th. You're a fucking superstar. We love you so much. Thank you for doing this. I'll never work again, but thank you so much. You've done enough now. Go retire in the castle. You wanted a fucking change, mate. Do you know what I mean? Thanks for helping me. Don't worry. Listen, anything for you, mate.

58:53He'd be up there with a fucking mowing his own grass. I used to be on the telly. I used to be on... I'm on the track, as you know.

58:59Alan Carr: I wish I'd never gone on that podcast. With his cardigan wrapped, like, shawl around him. I just wish I'd never gone on. You'll end up like Forrest Gump just mowing the lawn at the local fucking team. No, mate, we've ruined better careers, mate, to be fair. We're the career ruiners. Oh, thank you. We do it to ourselves every single day. Thank you so much for having me on. We love you, man. Thank you so much. This has been a Staying Relevant production.

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1:00:33Hello Relevanters! We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog Marry Avoid, one of our favourite games, all with fictional characters. So prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin. We don't know yet. We were sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one, Jeannie. I don't know. I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.