182: Will Sam score at Soccer Aid?! (Spoiler: No)

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1:52Experience the difference of Kohler smart toilets. Find more at Kohler.com. 9.59 everybody, a new record. Welcome to Staying Relevant, a podcast hosted by two best friends with two moose knuckles. and we are going to have quite the dalliance. So this is Staring Red Ever with Pete and Sam, just so everyone is aware. This episode will contain swearing. If you don't like it, go f*** yourself. This is the main episode, so that means it's Monday when this comes out audibly, but you can watch it on Josh and Keira's YouTube channel from 5pm on Wednesday and then we'll be doing a bonus episode which comes out Thursday audibly, but you can watch that from Sunday at 5pm on Josh and Keira's YouTube channel, which means you can catch us on a...

2:37Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday. As I've been getting into it, a little bit of asthma for you. Oh, on a hot day as well. That is going to trickle down that gullet. Really nice. Make sure you rate, review, do all of that sort of stuff. You know the score by now. At time of recording, we are in the middle of a heat wave. It has been a lot for everyone. People start acting mad, doing weird things. Sam has shaved. I didn't know where you were going with that. The heat has got to him. He has unveiled what can only be described as a small dented chin. They do say beards are men's makeup. Sam has come au naturel today.

3:24Now, I don't think it looks that bad. It's terrible. It does look like you have potentially shaved it with a brick because it is a range of different lengths. So I actually pulled a straggler from your neck earlier on today. But the most interesting part is what you've done with the sideburns. I didn't do the sideburns. Well, that's exactly the point. I got mutton chops. So it's, obviously, if you're going to shave like that, and I've done it, it's where do you go with the sideburns? And what you decided to do was... Nothing. I had no time. I didn't know what I was doing. I've never done it before.

3:55You had no time. I would just like to point out that I have heard about your weekend. You shaved this yesterday because you sent me a picture. And yesterday you did nothing. So there was lots of time in order for you to tidy things up. But how do you feel? Do you feel fresh? Do you feel less hot? I've got the fucking bum chin, mate. I forgot I had an ass chin. And it's just like, and I've left. I forgot to like get into the crack. And so now I've just got like a really long patch in the crack, which makes it shadowed, which accentuates the crack. But you do know that actually that is a sign of beauty in men.

4:31Well, I don't want to say anything, but... No, no one said that either. Oh, fuck. But there are lots of famous men who are very attractive who have got bum chins. John Travolta, famously, big bum chin. Yeah, yeah. Can't he wears a beret? Don't think we're going to be doing this again, though, to be fair. I didn't actually mean to do it. I just want to let you know, I put a 1.5 on, right, which I didn't realise was... What happened because you've been doing the barber and all that? I just, I just, I actually genuinely was like leaving the house and I was like, oh, do you know what? I'll just do one of them.

4:58and I went like that and went oh no I've got to even it up and then well I hadn't even even it up and then and here we are but I feel like I don't want to just sort of like throw things out there could pass us 26

5:13Pippa I do think you're significantly younger looking like in a more of a child so you're going to keep it childlike no I'm not going to keep it I can't I mean I I appreciate it because I mean you did it yourself in the stories but this is the Sam of old. Yeah, this is made Chelsea Sam. This is what we remember before the glow up. The teeth that are too big for the mouth and the beard. Yeah, it's not a good look. Are we doing any sort of exercises on the jawline? No, we're not. We're absolutely not. Have you heard about that clavicular guy? Looks maxing. Yeah, what do people do? Like chew and fucking jawlines and shit?

5:52Yeah, they chew rubber to give themselves a massive jawline. You fancy a bit of that? No, I don't think it would work on me. But right now you're mogging me. You're completely mogging. Come home and find you chewing on a crock just to increase the appearance of the jawline. I haven't been in the crocks for a while. No, I've lost them. Yeah. And they were the only pair in the world. No, I need to get another pair to be fair. Right. Okay. Well, the heat wave has affected a lot of people. Pippa's wearing shorts. Josh has come in a sort of an all beige outfit, which is very nice very summery rolled up the sleeves looking good you know they actually do say I don't want to look we're the bosses and so like you know I'm with you on this one but apparently they say the BBC is saying there should be a max temperature for working which means that 27 and above is a non-working day I'd just like to point out it's not the BBC saying that they've just spoken to some experts because I don't fancy getting sued BBC is saying that everyone has to not work I've spoken to an expert.

6:57Well, yeah. So in Spain, it's 27 degrees. Yeah. Now we've been at 30 plus for the last couple of days. Well, technically only yesterday because Monday was bank holiday. So we had a day yesterday. How did everyone find it? You know, were you working yesterday? Yes. And how was that for you? It was pretty tough out there, to be fair. I was actually wearing jorts. You weren't. You had jeans on that you rolled up, like pedal pushers. Yeah. But like into three quarter jean jorts. Nice, nice, nice, nice. What do you think, Sam? Do you know what? I actually think you could all go home. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

7:31I think that if it hits a certain level of heat, I think we all need to take precautions and we all need to be safe out there. I agree. When it does hit a certain level of heat, you can all go home. And that level of heat is 48 degrees. 48. Then I'm happy for you all to have the day off. And we should not put air con on as well. I feel like we should all sit here. No, because if we have air con, there's no need for you to go home. We're not switching it off so people can go home. Yeah, but I think we should. I think we switch it off to see whether it's at that heat that people can't handle it anymore.

8:05It's not. And whoever stays gets a bonus. So whoever sticks around in the heat, when we're going to put the heating on, actually, as well, and whoever can stick around gets five grand out of Pete's pocket. What am I going to pay myself? Because you'll all go home. I mean, I don't think it's that bad. It's fucking boiling. I'm hot all the time. I didn't sleep last night. But, yeah. I woke up in sweats. I was actually sweating so much. I stank. Aircon, though. You've got aircon. No, it's just blowing hot air at me. I don't know how to change it. It's mad, that, isn't it? So what you've done is you've spent thousands of pounds in the garden.

8:45But fundamentally, one of the things you probably should have fixed first was the aircon. Yeah. regretting that decision. Massively, actually. Really, really bad. Lovely patio, though. The patio's coming along. I always stand with a girlfriend at the moment. Well, I do have a girlfriend, but she's in Miami, so I don't have anyone sort of like complaining. Oh, well, so it's... Who knows then? Yeah. She came up to me, she was like, I've had so many guys come up to me and fucking hit on me. She was like, I didn't realise Miami was like that. You love to hear that when you're birds away. And I was like, I was like, fucking, really?

9:14I was like, how many? She was like, oh, like 10. Yeah. And then you FaceTimed her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see where you are. No, and showed her that. Oh, yeah, I did. I did. I FaceTimed her. She said she really liked it. Well, yeah, because you look more similar age now. Oh, fuck. It's nicer. She wasn't looking for a daddy. She was looking for a boyfriend. Oh, God damn it. But yeah, so I'm saying 27 degrees in Spain is fucking ridiculous. 27 degrees is not that fucking bad. And I sweat all the time. I'm a sweaty, sweaty man. He's wearing a jacket right now. He's wearing a jacket. Listen. And it's done up.

9:45You haven't even undone the zip. You've zipped yourself up in leather. I'm sorry. I would love to feel your under-bism. Fashion ain't practical, you know? But you must be so hot. I feel good. I genuinely feel all right at the minute. Obviously, we're only sort of 10 minutes in, and the way these, you know, the two hours that we're going to be in here, I imagine by the end of it, I will have evaporated. So it may just be you speaking by the time we get to the bonus. But at the minute, I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right. I mean, you've just said that everyone can have the day off. Yeah. If you want.

10:22No one's running for the door yet. Listen, you've been told you can have the day off. But what would you do if one of us, Josh calls you, sorry, Josh. Josh calls you both and he says, sorry, I can't come in today. I'm too hot. Oh, I love that hypothetical. What would you say? Well, I think I'll start it because I'd like to know what Pete's is. is mine would be look josh how are you feeling hot you just told you yeah but on a scale of one to hot like how hot we talking like boiling boy like do you need to go to hospital i'm not there yet but if i come in maybe okay fine look take the day off mate and just take yourself precautionary i really appreciate it i just need to call pete quickly and just make sure um that he's okay with that as well so i'm gonna dial you through to pete quickly josh he says ring ring ring ring right uh Josh, you're through to Pete.

11:12Pete, I'm boiling. And? I need the day off. Absolutely. You can have the day off, mate. And I suggest you use it to find a new fucking job. In fact, take the week off. Take the year off. Have a lovely time. Good luck with the baby, son. It's actually great timing. Thanks. Yeah, to be fair. That's where I come in behind Pete and go, yeah, fuck you, Josh. Why are you behind me when you've just dialed me in? So in the 10 seconds that me and Josh have spoken, you've ran to mine in East London. Yeah, but I've just said, like metaphorically speaking when Josh is on the phone to you and I've heard that you've said no I'm now like no Josh actually no piss off yeah exactly and now you've got two of this Josh wouldn't do that though because Josh is a reliable member of staff yeah has anyone seen Annalise?

12:00she's gone but listen it's a hot day and me and Pete did Good Morning Britain this morning we did do Good Morning Britain which was good fun got a bit nervous actually at one point because we didn't really know where we were standing. Well, no, it wasn't, no. It was awkwardly standing. We did a piece to camera, sort of a live sort of wave and smile with Richard Arnold, who was dressed as a banana, a yellow suit. It was a summary choice. It was. They then cut away after we'd done the wave to camera. He wandered off and we just stood in the corner of the studio. Awkwardly. I've never actually seen Pete awkward in a situation like that.

12:36And he went, what are we supposed to do? I went, no, no. Pete just stood there and then we started like shuffling towards him just slowly do we come? in fact at one point I went do we come with you? it was so funny to watch yeah it was but we were on Good Morning Britain because the nomination the nominations are open now which is wonderful, the show is obviously not until kind of October time but this is the point when you can nominate people who have done amazing things within the community. It's a fabulous night. So that's what we were on there for because we are doing the red carpet again.

13:14I feel like you all just had to join in that clap. But yeah, we are. Cannot wait for that. It's going to be very, very fun. I think we're going to go even loosier and goosey than we've ever been before. It sounds as if we may be. Sam, actually, what do you want to do for the entrance this year? I don't know, man. I was just thinking there's got to be some sort of skateboarding or something where we fly. That'd be really good for one of us who skates balls, wouldn't it? Horseback. Yeah, no, I'm not. Bro. Yeah, but again, I've seen you on horseback. I know, but quite fun. All right, well, suggest it to him, mate.

13:51I'm going to suggest it, actually. I will. I'm going to. Or canoe in. We should canoe in. Canoe in, yeah. We should put a little stream. So they're going to now build a stream. I mean, they didn't need to last year. It was so fucking wet. It was sodden. Speaker thinks heating up. Love Island starts does it start tonight? when this airs oh my god Love Island's coming around again holy guacamole I mean I'm buzzing no no no no this year I think we actually get really into it every year you get into it yeah this year I'm I'm not gonna oh my god I forgot that Love Island started I'm gonna do my watchalongs oh fucking great yeah because I'm not working with them anymore oh well what time so is it on every night?

14:34Yeah, every night. What time? Nine. Nine p.m. So everyone tune in to, give them your app. At Sam Thompson UK will be my Instagram handle. Or I could do a TikTok live. Or I could stream it, actually. I could do many a different thing, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could get all of that and you'll be able to, don't watch the show, just watch the watch along. Yeah. I used to do this all the time back in the day. And then I started working with Love Island. And in contraction, you're not really allowed to do that because you can't really say things and then go on. But now, because I'm not contractionally obliged at all, I can say whatever I want Well this is fucking exciting Oh my This has just added A new dimension To my excitement Yeah We should all do A watch along party Everyone looks Buzzing for it Josh You and I were talking About this morning We can't wait Can we Shit man I can't be honest with you Shall we have a little Look at the line up I've seen the line up Any Good looking geezers They all I mean yeah It's nice Yeah They all There's sort of a Tall one And like a Like a tattooed one And then there's like a muscly one and then there's like this girl in a bikini and then there's like another girl in a bikini and there's like Northampton and Manchester and Wales there's a London business boy Who's going to get the PLT deal that's the question I don't think PLT's a thing anymore Shit who's going to get the something deal then who's going to get the White Fox boutique deal Jasmine everyone says she's the next big thing Really why why do you think Jasmine SR are backing Jasmine I've decided on behalf of all of us Okay SR we are backing having not even seen what she looks like or heard from her we at Staying Relevant shall be backing Jasmine no Jasmine I don't think her name is Jasmine might be a silent J you never know that would be Asmin then Yamin Yamin you know what you mean?

16:22no I know what you mean no do not know what Yamin I do alright yeah so we're back we're back in Jasmine let's let's

16:33back in jasmine slay queen what do you hope to see from her well listen do you know I hope to see some you know some couplings and you know some I hope she pulls people for chats and you know just really like takes down I hope she clocks it oh of course you gotta clock it you know what I mean and also you know I just hope she survives Casa de Fuck and, you know, pops to the hideaway. Really looking forward to her competing in the challenges. One of my favourite parts of the show, like the challenge where they put like sort of an orange on the neck and pass it around and that. And, you know, I'm just really hoping she finds love more than anything.

17:17And she will. Knowing Jasmine as we do, she absolutely will. And there was actually a post put up on the Love Island Instagram account where Maya was reacting to their one-liners. and I actually don't know they're one-liners. Did they say anything that's a bit ropey? No, they're all just like the classics, like, hey, I'm Jasmine, I'm from Dubai and I'm here to... Jasmine's from Dubai? Yeah. Is she a native to Dubai?

17:48Is she a native? She's from Dubai but lives in London. Right, okay, yes. And it says Jasmine said... So what would that make her? Where's her heritage? World United Arab Emirates. UAE. UAE. I would imagine. She said she hates an insecure man. Oh, shit. Yeah, we're fine. They wouldn't be able to handle her. Oh, really? Is she packing heat? Is she? Yeah, yeah. Junk on the trunk? Yeah, old fucking. Bringing some heat, is she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you do, Pete, if someone said to you? She's coming from Dubai, mate. She's got heat all over her. She does. What would be your one-liner then? I don't remember.

18:30What's a one-liner? What do they do? They'll be like, and I'm here to steal your man. And I'm like, hi, I'm Pete. Is that your one-liner? And Chloe Burrows' was, I am partial to a married man. Yeah. It's like a bit, something to make a bit of an impact. Yeah. Okay. You're not just like, you're not just sort of, you know, Stuart. Not that Stuart's bad. All right. You're not an everyday John. So yours, Sam, would probably be about like small and cheeky. Yeah, exactly. Hi, I'm Sam Thompson. I'm from London. Hello, I'm Sam Thompson. I'm from Fulham. Yeah. Fulham. I think, yeah. Hello, I'm Sam Thompson.

19:07I'm from Fulham. I'm small. I'm cheeky. And you better lock up your girls. And you better lock up your girls. You better lock up your girls. I imagine they'd ask you to do another take of it. Because I'm coming in hot. Nice. I like a little bit of banter. And John T always says that I clean up with the ladies and we just love to be around girls. Yeah. That's what I would do. Yeah. Yeah, nice. I mean, immediately what happens when the line-up is announced is people judge them based on that kind of intro. And how do you think, what sort of reception do you think you'd get from that? I think they'd be like, oh, he's one to watch.

19:52Yeah. he's a dark horse yeah yeah yeah how's Curtis Pritchard back again yeah oh no alright nice I like it I'm Pete I'm from London I'm too old for this but I fancy the holiday and at the end of it I'm hoping to get some cash and find love no I'm not here for the love maybe a hand job if it's on offer Here for a handy. Yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm just hoping for a five-knuckle shuffle under the duvet. I know what that means. That's a wrestling term. That's such a good term. That's great. But here we are. Fingers crossed. Got me eyes on Yasmin. Got me eyes on Yasmin. Or Maya, now that she's single.

20:44Well, I mean, yeah. Give us the scoop. You know, have you spoken to your friend about it? I haven't. I should really send her a text just wishing her condolences. Why? I don't think he died. Well, no, but just for the breakup. Yeah. You know, like that combo. It's never easy going for a BU. So all - You dealt with it well, though. All power to her. Yeah. Maybe give some tips. Yeah. All power to you, Maya. There'll be plenty more men in the sea for you. And we hope that you find what it is that you're looking for in this life. From us, it's not right. Even I feel motivated. You got this. Even I feel motivated.

21:24Got this, Maya. Take a bit of time out. You know? Well, look, I like that. And I think you do really well. You get lots of people. Can you, do they disable people's Instagrams now? Oh, they do, yeah. That's, so people, because people try and search for them. Well, yeah, they don't want to hate. That's the problem. Why is UK on yours? Why?

21:48Why is UK on mine? because because it's one step down from official no do you know it's only because Sam Thompson was taken and when I first started it I was like well I want people to know there's probably Sam Thompson in the US well just in case they thought it was Sam Thompson Bulgaria well I don't know so I was just like Sam Thompson who's from who hails from the UK Sam Thompson Sierra Leone I just I genuinely just thought it was Sam Thompson who hails from the UK yeah I'm just hey I'm Sam from the UK yeah that's how I wanted to do it I like it I like it but now I wish I could turn it just to Sam Thompson but can you change him?

22:26no I don't think you can I'd have to buy the handle off somebody and I think it'd cost so much money thank god for that do you remember your first your MySpace name yeah fcukwit hotmail.co.uk I remember my first MSN email address was it bitches on my dick? no it was blueeyes69 blueeyes69 imagine if that was Instagram and then I ended up on fucking TV and then people now do you know what I mean following along what was Pete with Blue Eyes 69 fucking as a 38 year old man fuck me imagine imagine if we were introduced to a joint hosting gig we've got Blue Eyes 69 and fuck with with us because that's what mine was I just think UK makes you sound like you think you're quite important yeah why I started before I was even on TV it's just like enough to assert yeah like I'm the UK one the only one Listen, there might be a few Sam Thompsons, but I'm the UK's entrant into the Sam Thompson world.

23:23It was either that or Sam Thompson 2476. So I just feel like that was a better one. Yeah, you don't want to be 2 ,476 down the list. If you're going to be Sam Thompson... Pete Unscore Wicks 0-9? 0-1. 0-1. Well, so Pete's being like, I'm the number one Pete Wicks. No, I just tried to give... And that's absolutely correct, Jess. I'm like the best Pete Wicks in the plan. Out of all the Pete Wicks's, I am the first. And then yours is Pippa 09, isn't it? 08. Why the fuck do I keep saying 9? You're Pippa 08, so like what's wrong with the UK? I'll be honest with you guys, I think we should move on. He's not taking that as well as we thought.

24:02The hell's going on? Kira, what's yours? Oh, shit, now he's coming for everyone. Everyone, back off, back off. So Yasmin, we back you. Or Jasmine. I wonder what her answer is. handle what's jasmine's instagram handle i don't know it's uh jasmine jasmine dubs 01 p is traveling around the country he's filming for dog's sake and um and and we want to know as a collective sir uh first of all how it's going how's the dog's sake going and also what are you doing on the train journeys because you're going you're going up north you're going to Wales, I think, as well. You're all over the country. How are you keeping yourself busy?

24:44I'm driving myself a lot this year based on the fact that I cannot get on a train without there being a fucking problem. Yeah. I swear to God, I am jinxed every time I get on a train or I do something, there's a fucking something on the lines or, like, there's a diversion or I have to stop three stations ahead of where I'm going in the middle of nowhere and then you can't get a cab because there's no Uber in fucking fucksville or wherever I am. It's a fucking nightmare. What would be your message to UK Rail after, you know, all the bad times you've had on there? Fucking salt your life out. It's fucking awful.

25:21Honestly, there's always a fucking problem. I don't care about having me tea cakes. I'd rather get there on time, all right? And also, you don't give enough butter. If I want a tea, I want it smothered in butter. More butter, less delays. Quite simple. The sound of it, still keep the TKs up though. Tea cakes are lovely. I do like a tea cake. It's basically like a hot cross bun. So now I've just taken to driving through the night. Because I think, I know it's a five hour drive. I'll just do that. I can listen to Celine Dion. Didn't see that coming. Big Celine Dion fan. And currently just almost rediscovered her discography.

26:04What do you call it? Just discovered her music again. is she titanic she did sing the time yeah she's she's not the titanic because that's sung but she she sang my heart will go on yes can we just all like imagine pete he's on the third hour of his five hour drive and like he's silent because he's not got anyone to talk to obviously it's just in the car and you've got my heart will go on no it's no i'm so i'm not keen it's actually my least favourite Celine song. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Celine's done some absolute bangers, you know. Give me an example. I'll know. I might know a few. Power of Love.

26:42Give me a... In the mood. That's a great song.

26:50Can I am your man? And I sing full pelt while sort of chain smoking my way up the M1, which is lovely. It covered an awful lot of service stations along the way. Yeah. Always a treat when you find one with a Gregg's for a vegan sausage roll. Mate, do you like, do you pop into a little Gregg's? Oh, mate, if you're on a service and I see a Gregg's, honestly, I'm hard. It's, I just think to myself, but this was worth driving through the nightfall. I'll tell you what is annoying though, is if you get there too late, a lot of the food caught shut, which means you have to pop to WH Smith's for a stale sandwich.

27:28Ah, yeah, I'm all right. And it does let you down a little bit. because quite often the hotels and that that we're staying in, no room service, not generally that clean, I'll be honest with you. You're doing it for a good cause, man. But it is for the best show in the world. And tell us how the best show in the world is doing. It is. It's fabulous, actually. It's a tough series, this one. Yeah. It's quite sad. Yeah. Lots of puppies, though, which is nice. done a lot of hand rearing of puppies this time around um which is one of all can't say too much about it you you probably you may see a special appearance from um uh someone during this series as well by someone um rodney i'm not really supposed to give that away but he he he's he's potentially about to be filmed he's working as well he's not just a working dog he is going to be working.

28:29I don't know if I can say that, but do you know what? I can. Fuck it. It's my fucking show. Rodney's working. Rodney's working everybody. He's in the fields. He's just out there fucking chilling with... What's he doing? Oh, God. Okay, fine. But he's going to be working. Good old Rodney's new and joint. So he's sad, but there's obviously some beautiful light moments as well. It's just the best. We get to go up and down the country and just meet so many fucking dogs. It's just the best job in the world. So we're going to film this series, series four, which is longer than all the other series. And then I'm off abroad to film a special.

29:04Oh, we're off abroad. We're off abroad. We're taking, for dog's sake, on the road, but abroad, not just sort of up to Manchester and up the M1. Nice. We're really covering some fucking miles. Absolutely. I'm not going to drive there. No, I will not be driving there. No. And when are you doing it? so we haven't got TX dates for the show yet but all through summer I'm going to be filming and including the abroad trip as well so I'll be out of the country gone I'll be leaving this podcast for quite a while oh fuck me shit so we are looking for a co-host hey you get to work with me so who would your dream co-host be?

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31:07and one thing fashion has taught me is that the smallest details are often what makes something feel truly special. The weight of a fabric, the click of a clasp, or the way a beautifully tailored piece moves. Lexus approaches craftsmanship the exact same way. Their master craftsman, called Takumi, evaluates sensory details like the sound of a door closing, the click of a switch, and the acoustic feedback of the controls. They use human perception and intuition to create what feels right, and that's engineering to be felt. Because a car that doesn't make you feel something is a car that stops short of amazing.

31:39Experience amazing at your Lexus dealer.

31:52Ramesh Ranganathan. Really pulled that one out for no reason. I just find it quite funny. So this time at the palace, you wore a poncho and you met Prince Edward. So now you can concentrate on, you know, the upcoming event. There's always an event coming up with you. and this is a big one. You are a regular. Hopefully you're going to be a starter and you have promised a goal. How are you feeling about that guarantee that you gave to the Stam relevant listeners? I'm feeling very good. I feel very, very good. Although we've had more squad members. I don't think I'm going to get much time on the pitch.

32:20But you know, it doesn't matter. All you need is one go. Well, you'll have more time than you did last year because you were injured last year. Yeah. But you got a lot the year before. I did. I got a half. I got a whole half. Are we hoping for similar? Do you think you'll start? How important is it to start? You actually want to come in second half on soccer. Because that's when the shit ones are in goal. That's when the shit ones are in goal. That's exactly why. And so I'm hoping that I can come in on the second half maybe and then just batter some goals. Batter some goals. We've moved that. He's feeling confident.

32:48We'd love a couple. Because we've gone from a guarantee to a couple, a brace. We'd love a couple, yeah. What if you hit a hat trick? Mate, if I hit a hat trick, I'm not even joking. Could it be the perfect hat trick, left, right, head? Quite possibly, to be fair. But I'd play anywhere. I'd be centre-back if they wanted to. If it meant I could play more, I'd go centre-back. It's just so fucking fun. A small centre-back. Yeah, but man, I can jump. I'm actually going tomorrow. By the time this comes out, Socrate would have actually happened. But I'm going to training tomorrow, and Tommy Hiddleston's going to be there again.

33:20Well, I saw, yeah, yeah. We're pals. It was nice. It's nice that you remembered to introduce him to your girlfriend after the 10-minute conversation, hug and jump, and then, oh, God, yeah, come here. How did she feel about the situation, knowing that she is second love of your life? She loved it. She loved the little gala thing we went to. So you've actually been hanging out with all your Sokare people. So you said last time you weren't entirely sure about the new bit, but Damsen Idris was the goal. Danny Dyer's back. Good. You love Danny Dyer. No, I do. I was, Damsen, did we get to Damsen Idris?

33:57No, he wasn't there. He wasn't there. But you'll see him this week? I am going to see him this week. So have we moved on from Demson to Danny? Danny is fucking joked. Danny you already know. Mate, Danny, a relatively funny story about Danny is he was marking Eden Hazard. If you watch football, you know Eden Hazard, one of the best players that ever played. And he was on the left wing. Danny Dyer was right back. And he goes to me, he goes, Sam, let me tell you fucking something. You know, he just swears all the time. Please do it in the Danny Dyer accent. Sam, let me fucking tell you something now, son.

34:26He goes, if that **** tries to make a fool out of me, right, Stanford Bridge, I'll fuck him up. I'll two foot the ****. I was just like, all right, Danny Fairplay. And he goes, I'm not even joking. Within the first five minutes, he's tried to nutmeg Danny Dyer. The next minute afterwards, he's gone in two footed studs up to one of the most decorated footballers of like our generation. I've seen it. He's done him with both feet. It was so savvy. I've watched the clip and he didn't fuck about. Mate, that's what you would do. That's exactly how I imagined You doing it? I wouldn't be quick enough.

35:05By the time I'd got there, he'd have fucking gone and scored and I'd just be sliding. He's back. Jack Whitehall's there, which would be cool. Nice. I actually bumped into his girlfriend at the weekend. Wife? Roxy. Yeah. Danny Dyer. I mean, how do you find him in terms of everyone that's there? Because there's some big names there. You've got Tom Hiddleston. You've got Damson Idris. You've got all these kind of big Hollywood heartthrobs. but actually Danny Dyer is UK's number one sex symbol. What? Is that from rivals? Well, he's just a sex symbol. I'm declaring him the UK's number one. How is it for you being around a man so ravishing?

35:47Well, I'm going to be honest with you, mate. You know, I've been around you, so. It's slightly different. I don't even make the list. I now turn around and I just go, you're no Pee Wicks. Please, yeah. Please say that to Dan St. Idris. the scruffy looking bloke. Tom Hiddleston was like, where's Pete? I've never met him. I know, but he obviously knows. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm in the podcast studio where you're supposed to be. Any movement on that? He actually said that we could do some pod stuff at his, he's doing a screening for a new Pompeii show that he's doing. And he was like, if you guys want to do some podcast stuff from there, you're more than welcome.

36:27Pepper's eyes lift up. Yeah, look, we're opening doors, baby. Look, for all the people who are listening to this, right? Me and Pete don't fuck around now. We're like, delete our numbers. We are now going to Hollywood. We're in the Avengers. That's where we're going. That's where we're going to be. Is he an Avenger? Well, I actually asked him, I went, are you going to be in the new Avengers? Hold on. I thought it wasn't, isn't he like the evil little brother of someone? Yeah, Loki. Is that an Avenger? Yeah. Well, no, technically yes, actually. See, I really like X-Men. They're going to be in the new one.

37:00But I get confused with the Marvel stuff. So is he Thor's brother? Yes. Right, yeah. So are Avengers, but aren't they good people? Isn't he a bad person? He's a bad guy, kind of turned good. Turned good. If you're an Avenger. Oh, don't you dare. I feel like you'd enjoy this. Don't you dare. Iron Man. Thor. Spider-Man. Captain America? Nah, Captain America sucks ass. I actually think he probably does suck ass as well. All right, that's not where I was going. So now we've got two questions. If you were an Avenger, who would you want to be? Yeah. and then tell me who you would actually be. So, but you can make up your actual name.

37:36So, but who are the current ones? Is Wolverine an Avenger? Technically, no, he's X-Men, but X-Men are part of that universe. Who can I, who's a cool Avenger? I could see you absolutely being Hulk. Oh, I'll take Hulk. I could see you being Hulk. So Hulk, I would like to be, ideally I'd like to be Wolverine, so I think he's cool. Or Wolverine, but he's not really an Avenger. I'll take Hulk. Hulk, I'm cool with Hulk. He's quite funny. Relax until you're not and then he's big, green, scary. Yeah, yeah. Hulk smash. I'm there for Hulk. But so who would you, who would you be? I would like to be Iron Man.

38:10Who wouldn't want to be Robert Downey Jr.? To be fair, that's quite cool. Yeah, and you're still kind of a human author. Who I would actually be is Ant-Man. I would be Ant-Man for sure. Paul Rudd. So, oh, he's fucking cool. He's great. He's a man that doesn't age. I, weirdly enough, considering I don't really like them sort of films, if he's in it, I'll generally quite like it because I find him funny. He's funny, but his powers is a bit of shit. His powers in real life are better, which is anti-aging. Yeah, he doesn't really age. He's not fucking changed for about 30 years. Mate, if I was my own Avenger, I know what I'd be.

38:41El cockroach. El cockroach? El cockroach. Just can't die. Yeah, mate. I just get where water can't. Would you have any powers or just the can't die? I just think I can just, I just get into places, you know? I think I morph into a cockroach and I'm like king of the roaches. Well, like, how big would the cockroach? They'd call me Roach. Well, ah, so actually then when you morph into the cockroach, you can talk to the other cockroach and you'd all see you have an army of cockroaches. Yeah, an army of roaches. Like a plague. Yeah, we'd plague people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'd get into places, we'd get into your ears, into your nose cavities.

39:14On first hearing of that, it sounded awful. Now that you've explained it, I think that would be quite powerful. Roach boy. I'd be Roach boy. El Cockroach. El Cockroach. It does sound better than Roach boy. El Cockroach. Oh, yeah, nice. And I'd have a little guitar that I'd come in. A little sort of sombrero. Yeah, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Drink tequila. Coco Roche. Coco Roche. Who would you be? I think I'd be the Black Plague. What's that entail? Just if I look at you, you die. Yeah, but then you'd just have to be blind. Because you'd look at everyone, everyone would die. That's a shit power.

40:03If I wink at you, you die. Oh, it's like the Basilisk from Harry Potter. Yeah. And I'd unleash the Black Plague on you and anyone you've ever met. Fuck. That's quite the... Why would you wish people plague? Like, that's so intense. Well, it's any plague. You can fly. You can fucking shoot thunderbolts in your hands. Oh, okay. Spider-Man. But no, I do not... I just went straight for death. I just went straight for death. Sorry. I went straight for death. All right. You're not going to feel it now, but in two months' time, you're going to have the plague. Yeah. Well, yeah. I went straight for death.

40:38All right. I didn't understand. I apologise. I'd like to... Best superpower? Invisibility, I suppose. All right, cool. I'm in slightly off topic. Let's get back to... A couple of killed a gentleman, though, aren't we? Well, yeah, yeah. Listen, we're just a kind of small, cheeky lad. Just kind of being fucking weird, aren't we? Just kind of out there being kind of crazy. How crazy were you at the weekend on the bank holiday? Because I understand that you popped yourself into the lion's den. Lion's den, what do you mean? You went with all the boys and the lads. Oh, well, no lads, not out. Yeah, but you also went to the spot because you're a man about 10 dead at the old Petri Cafe.

41:21Oh, the Petri? Petri Cafe. The Petri Cafe. I have a magnum of whispering angel for the boys. I love the way Pete knows that. Have you been before? No, I've seen it on Instagram and thought, fucking avoid. Yeah, we went to the pear tree, had a really nice time there. Told Pippa. Pippa actually nearly came. Did you manage to get a table, all right? We did, yeah. We got a table. All right. And it was so fucking hot. No problems at the door? No problems at the door. Get ID'd because you look so young? No, because I hadn't shaved my beard by that point. I did have an ice cream, though. Oh. Yeah, loved it.

41:52I walked in with an ice cream. Very nice night. Walked in with an ice cream? nothing says my birds away then I've walked in with an ice cream I don't care it's time to really fuck shit up yeah oh I saw Joey Essex nice at Ruth Gardens and he was like where's Pete and I did the old because I don't really know him that well so I did the old oh he's at Stringfellas hey yeah and then he was like at three o 'clock in the afternoon on bank holiday Sunday he's at Stringfellas I wasn't And then he was like, oh, yeah, well, maybe I'll be there a little bit later. And I was like, I don't know if he actually is at Stringfields.

42:30Oh, well, it was a good chat then. Yeah, no, it was in and out. Good catch up. Well, nice. You had a lovely bank holiday. How was yours? What did you do? You went bike. You went motorcycling, I saw. Applied to DM. You didn't reply to me. I had a really chill, wholesome bank holiday, actually. But yeah, I went out on the bike. I actually, much to my mum's dismay, went and bought my 17-year-old nephew a motorbike. Oh, shit. But I did buy him some armoured gloves and an armoured jacket so that mum can't have a go at me. I said, you do with that what you want, mate, but at least you have it. Yeah.

43:07So, yeah, he picks it up this weekend. But, yeah, it was nice. But it was good that you had lots of things to distract yourself with at the weekend. Right. What with kind of the Pear Tree Cafe, you know, going out, all them sort of things. phone calls which have ramped up significantly I know that's come from Pippa I know you've put that in the fucking on his iPad well no it's just I'm just being friendly yeah yeah yeah I mean it's always nice to be friendly more so when you're a bit lonely I'm not lonely I just have more time to speak no I'm not saying you specifically just yeah you've got you know because the missus is away it's just it's a quiet house it's yeah it's quite a house it's a quiet house and i don't really know what to do with myself at the moment so i do call pippa i've actually stay away from the razor i've started yeah no that's never gonna happen again i have started calling pippa's boyfriends now as well yeah just just to see how he is and how how how does jack feel about that um sam said earlier that he seems to always call jack when he's tired or like just got home from work he He never quite gets the reception he's after.

44:16But all the calls have been at different times of the day, on different days. What's your favourite time to speak to Sam? I haven't had a late, late one in a while. We had a late one yesterday. It was like 5pm. 5pm, yeah. Just as I closed my laptop. Ring, ring. We don't talk about work. We talk about life. That one was like hour 45. Yeah, that was a biggie. That was a real biggie. You were on the phone for an hour and 45 minutes? Yeah, I was cooking. And I didn't have anyone to talk. I don't like being silent when I'm really in anything. I think like 15 minutes of it was, bye now. Yeah, she kept trying to go and I went, Bibb, just give me five more seconds.

44:52What on earth do you talk about? We just shoot the shit, man. New segment. Oh my God, we're about to tuck in something fucking new. Yeah, we just, listen, we're trying to freshen things up a little bit. Oh my God. Neither of our lives are that interesting these days, let's be honest. Let me undo my flies. Oh, yeah, get your cock out for it. What a way to celebrate a new segment. Undo your flyers and just whack out the old helmet. All right, well, here we go. Ready? What should our fucking intro be? Is that different to the current intro? Yeah. What's our current one?

45:27That's our reality news. You know, everyone's fucking doing that now. What? Everyone's doing those mock news things where they're talking about, like, reality news. We were the first fucking people to do that. Five years ago. Yeah. I want to let everyone know that now because everybody's doing it. Was Jamie Lang doing it then? No, he's not doing it. But most, most sort of comedian people are. And we did it first. So fuck them. And we're not even comedians. But anyway, we digress. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. A survey found that one in two British men think they could land a passenger plane. I fucking do.

46:03I'm just putting my hands up now. Mate, I'm almost certain. One in two? Yeah. I'm one of them too. So are you. I bet you think you could as well. We could. No. I know I could. Landing flaps down. Sam, you can't park your car. Yeah, I know, but this is different. Yes, it's a plane. I could land a plane. You couldn't land a plane. I could. Sam, you can barely drive. You have a plane, you're floating. Until you get in it and then you're crashing. How, why do you think you could do that? I just think. You've been in a cockpit because I've been with you many a time on a plane and you always have to go and say hello to the pilot, sit on his knee.

46:44So you've seen how many fucking buttons. Sit on his knee. You've seen how many buttons there are. You've seen everything else. What on earth makes you think you could land a passenger plane? Tell me the skill set that you have that is similar to that of a pilot that you go through years of training, do it as their day job, millions of your let's say you've got 300 souls on board souls as well that's what they call them yeah it is how are you gonna land a fucking passenger plane and not lose a soul well what I'm first to do is getting on the mic and go buckle up everyone because we're about to fucking get into it then yeah that'll put them all at ease buckle up everyone buckle up we're about to get fucking into it then I'm just calm under pressure mate I'm calm under pressure pressure.

47:34I'd be in conversations with Radio Tower. Okay. Mission Control. This is throwing up great segment, Pippa, because this is throwing up so much for me. Just, and you haven't got to tell me because I completely understand that you're calm under pressure, but if you could just tell the listeners times that you've been calm under pressure.

47:54Well, what? I don't even know how many pressure situations I've been in. Okay, alright. So you just think we're going to be calm under pressure. I do. I just think I'm going to be calm. I think I'm going to be in touch with the radio tower. And I'm literally just going to have them be like, right, Sam, what you're going to do, mate, is you're going to put the landing flaps down. Okay, landing flaps down. I just listen to what they're saying. And I just think... It's one of your strong points listening. I think I can handle that stick. Yeah. You know? I do. Is that what they... Do they use them once?

48:20Yeah. Yeah. I said this before, I always think that having sex is like landing a plane when you've never flown one before. And you're brilliant at that. And I feel like if you can get through that, you can get through this. If you can get through it... Oh, what a beautiful time you and Taddy must have. Listen, I managed to get through it, didn't I? You can suddenly make it. I landed the fucking plane. I docked it in your vagina. You could land a plane. You could easily land a plane. I absolutely couldn't. Yes, you could. It literally takes them years of training. All right, ready? People go down.

48:49It's so difficult. You wind everything. I wouldn't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'd just press stuff and hope for the best. Yeah, but you'd be in touch with ground control. But they'd be like, I don't know, fucking put the flat. Like, where the fuck are the flaps then? There's a million buttons here. I'd love to hear it. I don't want the souls to perish, but like I would love. Yeah, and I'd probably, I forgot to turn the fucking intercom on and they all listen to me in the background. I don't know what I'm doing. Where are the flaps? I don't know where the flaps. What's the joystick? I fucking pull it up.

49:19I'm pulling it up. There's birds in the engine. What do you want from me? And I'm your co-pilot? Oh, if that was the case and I had to listen to ground control, the only way I can concentrate I would knock you spark out but alright let me just sort one thing out and then I'll have a right go on tell me what I've got to do and knowing my luck you know what they say I've crashed the fucking thing and he'd be the only because he was relaxed that's what it'd be if they went to the is anyone can anyone land this plane I honestly I'm not joking I'd be like me and Pete I'd literally be like me and him we can land this fucking thing you imagine it easy jet easy jet to fucking Mallorca and there we are Ryanair sorry off to Mallorca the pilot's drunk can anyone land the plane yeah yeah no no absolutely imagine me and you stepping in I would honestly put my fucking hand up and be like we can take care of this don't worry and then everyone would see that it's me and Pete and they'd clap yeah they'd be like don't worry if there's two pairs of hands that I would want this plane to be in yeah Pete Wicks and fucking Sully over there fucking mental I think we could I agree with that stat.

50:30I do. I can't believe one in two. That's fucking... Josh, you're the other man here. No, I don't think I could. All right. So we've got one in three currently. We're slightly different in this office. You're pretty birch. You can land a plane, can't you? Yeah. What's your cock telling you? No. No, thank you. No. All right. No, thank you. If we're ever on a plane and something happens to the pilot, we're all doomed unless Sam takes control, in which case he will save us all. Mate, get me that pilot's hat. I'm waiting for the day. I do remember actually, didn't you tell me you wanted a helicopter licence?

51:04No, I want a pilot's licence. Oh, you actually want a pilot's licence. Oh, well, they're fucking hell. This could be the start. Maybe that is, last year's narrative was seven world records. This year is Sam flies a plane. I want to land a plane. I want us to land a plane as a duo. I don't think it's a two-man job. Absolutely. You need two people on both sticks. No, it's just one man. I think. I don't think they both do it. How in sync would you have to be if you're both all right? We'd be fucking great. One person has control, surely. Maybe I'm wrong, but surely it's only one. I thought the second one was there as like, if the first one doesn't feel well or something.

51:41Yeah, like if the other one's had a fucking tough night. I think they'd press some buttons and do some fucking bits. But I don't think they'd both mutually fucking, I would love to. Oh, you're a little bit like, we're going off that way. All right, to me, to you. It's not the fucking chuckle, brothers. I think we'd be great at that. I'd be like, Sam, crack on. Get yourself up there. I'll just have a gin and tonic. Yeah. I'm going to pop back and sit with everyone else. Watch them all scream. Have a wonderful day, everyone. Enjoy your sweltering Monday. So I imagine it's pretty hot. Enjoy your plane journey.

52:14There's actually more chance of getting struck by lightning than your plane going down. So look forward to those summer storms. Goodbye.

52:29This has been a Staying Relevant production.

52:59We'll be right back.

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54:54Hello Relevanters! We wanted to let you know that you can hear exclusive bonus episodes of Staying Relevant every month on Amazon Music. We are going to be playing Snog Marry Avoid, one of our favourite games, all with fictional characters. So prepare yourself for Sam to snog Woody from Toy Story and for me to marry Pocahontas. And possibly the genie from Aladdin. We don't know yet. We're sort of like undecided on that one. That's an avoid for me, that one, genie. I don't know. I quite like it. Listen to monthly bonus episodes exclusively on Amazon Music and enjoy ad-free listening on Amazon Music for all episodes of Staying Relevant with your Prime membership.